The Longest Yard Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Longest Yard script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Adam Sandler football movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Longest Yard. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Longest Yard Script





Hey, sexy.



I love that dress.



Of course you do, Lorenzo.

You made it.



- Hi, sweetie.

- Hey, guys.



- There you are.

- Lena.



- You've done it again.

- Well, it's all for you, Bradlee.



Gotta mingle.



Oh, the girls are by the pool.



Well, well, well, Lena. So where's

this sexy boy toy of yours hiding?



I didn't know you were

a football fan, Patrick.



I've never watched a game. I'm just

a big fan of his old underwear ads.



Well, he's probably just getting out of

the shower. Let me go hurry his ass up.



- Hi.

- Hey, babe.



Start of the fourth quarter, and Owens

will throw. He's got Brown wide open!



You have got to be kidding me.



Honey, just let me finish the game,

I'll take you to the movies.



Take me to the movies?



Hello! There's a huge party

going on downstairs.



Remember the catering trucks

and the valet parkers?



Oh, shit, I forgot.



I'll tell you what

you should forget about.






Because it's forgotten all about you.



Now, you're going to put this outfit on

that I bought you,



drag your drunken ass downstairs



and mingle with my clients

like a good boy.



Who am I? Elton John?

I ain't wearing that shit.



- Yes, you are.

- I'm not your trained monkey, honey.



No. You're much more

expensive than that.



But I tell you what.



If you're not downstairs

in five minutes,



I'm gonna throw you out of my bed,



out of my house and out of my life.



Then you're gonna have to

pay for your own bananas.



I'm just so mad at you

because you're not wearing my gift.






What gift?



It's like a I-love-you gift.

I left it in the closet for you.






Paul, I'm so excited.



I can't believe you did this.



- Where'd you put it?

- In the back, on the right.



Paul? Paul, what are you doing?



I think we need some

alone time, honey,



so I'm gonna go take a cruise

in your Bentley.



Don't you dare take my car,

you drunken bastard!



- I own you!

- I love you.



Somebody please open

this damn door! Patrick?



- Lena?

- Patrick.



What happened to you?



He locked me in the closet

and left me to die.



Oh, my God, he is deranged!



He thinks he can mess with me.






Oh, man.

Here come the party poopers.



Well, well, well. I'll be damned.

If it isn't Paul Crewe.



So, what did I do wrong?

Was I driving poorly?



Nope. Nope.

This car was reported stolen.



No, no, no.

It's actually my girlfriend's car.



Shit happens.



Shit does happen. I mean,

look what happened to your ears.



I gotta ask you something.

Does he get XM Radio with those?



Actually, they get

a couple of channels.



It's Paul Crewe.



Another question, though.



Santa Claus. What's he like?



Boy, I hate to arrest a public figure

like yourself,



but, hell, I don't think

you got too many



endorsement deals to worry about,

now, do you?



Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo.

Don't get short with me.



That was good. I mean, he's good.



Man. I hope you got a lot of money

for that game you threw,



because that was the most pathetic

thing I ever saw.



Now, step out of the vehicle,

Mr. Crewe.



Don't you think I should pull the car

over more? I could get sideswiped.



You're slurring your words a bit there,

Paul. You been drinking tonight?



Absolutely not. Now, could you do me a

favor? Hold this beer while I back it up.



Hey, you can finish that one.

I got five more. Take care, guys.



We got a  -   in progress.



Okay, remain calm.



How you doing? What's up?

What's up? What's up?



What you are watching is live footage

of a vehicle, apparently stolen,



being pursued by police. 



We're receiving word now

that the driver of that vehicle



is former Pittsburgh football star

Paul Crewe. 



Crewe, you might remember,



was the only man ever to be indicted

on federal racketeering charges



for shaving points

in a professional football game,



although it was never fully proven. 






- Hello.

- Do not get one more scratch



on my car, or I will slit your throat.



See, that's our problem, sweetie.



You care about this car

more than you do us.



And how'd you even know

there was a scratch on this baby?



Because I am watching you on TV,

as is the whole country.



Once again,

you are proving to everyone



what a worthless piece of shit

you are.



Well, I hope they like this.



Hey, Lena!



I think we should start

seeing other people!



I think I'm in love.



Good news, boys,

I didn't spill my beer.



Without question, Crewe's five-year

federal probation for point-shaving



has been severely violated tonight. 



The future of this once-great football

star looks very dark indeed. 



Long way from the big city,

huh, superstar?



Staying with the times

around here, huh?



Ain't she beautiful?



Home sweet home, boy.



Get on your feet.



You're one lucky son of a bitch,




- Is that right?

- That's right.



See, the warden loves his football.



Fact, he was on the winning side

of your little thing.



- Well, tell him congratulations.

- But I wasn't.



Welcome to Allenville.



Thank you, sergeant.

I'll take it from here.



- Afternoon, inmate Crewe.

- Yeah.



Come on. Warden wants to see you.



Let's do it.



Move it.



I used to play

a little college ball myself.



Down at the University of Miami.



I bet a lot of your old teammates

are locked up in here.



No inmates from my playing days.

Couple of guards, though.



See, we got us a fine

prison-guard league down here.



It's like a company softball team.



Now, the warden...



...he's gonna ask you to help out.



Okay. With what?



That wasn't nice.



When the warden asks you,



what are you gonna say?






You're gonna tell him "no. "

You got it?



You're gonna tell the warden



that you want nothing to do

with his football fantasies.



Not in my back yard.



Because the warden

don't run this prison. I do.



You understand?



Not entirely.



Okay. I feel you, dog. I feel you.



Paul "Wrecking" Crewe.



I don't get to say this

to my new guests very often,



but it's an honor to have you

here at this institution.



It's an honor to be

locked up here, sir.



Oh, well, this is Errol Dandridge.



Colonel Sanders

been eating his own chicken.



He's my political adviser.



See, I've been approached

by several very influential people



wondering if I'd be interested

in standing for governor.



They see the way I run this prison,

think maybe I should run this state.



Only with less sodomy, right?



Hopefully none.






Now, there are two things we take very

seriously here in the state of Texas.



Prison and football.



We play a little of the latter here.



The warden is too modest to admit

that his team is rather good.



But not good enough.



Five years since

our last championship.



Five years.



Now, I've worked real hard,

pulled strings,



called in quite a few favors

to get you here, Paul.



Now, why would you go and do that?



Because I am convinced that

you can get us back on track.



I haven't played football in I don't

know how long. I don't really want to.



You wouldn't be playing, Paul.

Just consulting.



Anyone who was once the MVP

of the National Football League



must have a great deal

of expertise to offer.



Captain, what would you say

to Mr. Crewe looking in,



giving us the benefit

of his experience?



I think that's a real good idea, warden.

We can use all the help we can get.



Well, then, it's all settled.



What you say, Paul?



I appreciate the offer,

but I'm gonna have to pass.



Now, I can assure you



that your time here will be a whole

lot easier if you just participate.



I just wanna do my time

and go home. Nothing else.



If you'll excuse us, Mr. Crewe.



Captain Knauer, you can stay.



Sit down!



I used to love

your underwear commercials.



Thank you very much.



My ex-husband wore the

same brand of tighty whities.



He didn't fill them out

quite as well as you, though.



Special effects. Hollywood.

Not all me.



Oh, I doubt that very seriously.



Well, then get him enthusiastic,

damn it!



Come on, get up.



How'd it go in there?

We all set now?



Oh, yeah, we're real tight.



Only the finest for you, superstar.



I was just playing.



I ain't gonna forget you, Crewe.



Hey, yo, you owe me money

on that game, punk!



Better watch yourself, Mr. Football!






Yeah, you better run, woman.



Yo, football.



Take a seat.






You know, I have never seen

one inmate just walk in here



and be unanimously hated

by the entire population.



- I ain't never seen it.

- How'd I get so lucky?



You could have robbed banks,

sold crack,



stole your grandmama's pension,

and nobody would have cared.



But shaving points off a football game?

Man, that's just un-American.



- You play football?

- Me? No.



I suck so bad, they used to pick me

after the white kids.



Used to be mad too. It's like, "I can't

believe I picked a nigga that can't play. "



- Caretaker.

- Paul Crewe.



Whatever your pleasure,

I can facilitate.



You need weed, you need meth...

Hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man.



I know how you white boys

always deal with that depression.



I mean, me personally, I don't

understand what you white boys



all depressed about.

Hey, you're white. Smile.



And for a small fee,

I can even get you McDonald's.



- Really?

- Yeah, that's right. Mickey D's.



My man Cheeseburger Eddy

got the hookup.



Cheeseburger Eddy?



That's right.

We can get our McFlurry on.



Enjoy it, fat man.



What about the love

of a beautiful woman?



Well, you're gonna have

to lower your standards



on the beautiful part

and on the woman part.






Let's just stick

with the cheeseburgers.



Oh, they ugly now, but in eight months,

he gonna look like Beyoncé.



No, thanks.



Now, here's the most important part.



You can't let these guys scare you.

You can't let them punk you.



Because if you do that, you gonna

end up being somebody's bitch.



Don't want that.

Thanks for the advice.



Hey. Let me take that tray

out for you.



I ain't done eating yet.



Oh, you're not?

I'll give it back to you, then.



You're dead!



Hornet's Nest!



Everybody stay down.



Stay quiet!



Come on, Crewe, get up.



Get up, superstar.



Yes, sir.



You think you can do anything

you want around here, don't you?



Well, you are no different

than any other piece of shit



that calls this place home.



Really? These guys think

you're a dumb redneck too?



Girl, that's your new boo.



You better cut that shit out.

It's getting old.



That's gonna cost you.



Looking forward to it.



Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.



Hey, superdick.



Warden's wondering if your stay

in the hotbox has changed your mind.



How long have I been in here?



One week. Wanna go for two?



How'd you find these guys anyways?



Recruitment, boy.



When college stars don't get drafted,

they need a place to go.



A job, money, security.



Who drank all the damn Gatorade?!



Damn it!



And apparently steroids.



Look, seems like you got all the talent

you'd want. So why do you need me?



Well, now, you might

find this hard to believe,



but there's folks here in the prison

league don't care for me very much.



- You, warden?

- They thought it might be amusing



to schedule the defending

league champs as our first game.



And me? Well, I thought

an old pro like yourself



might have some training-camp tricks,

drills, insights to offer up.



Give us the competitive edge.



All right. Relatively simple.

You need a tune-up game.



A tune-up game?



Yeah. In college, we'd start every

season against Appalachian State



or some slack Division II team.



Kick the living shit out of them.

Get their confidence up.



You know something, Paul?



- You've just given me an inspiration.

- That's great. What?



You're gonna assemble a team

to play the first game against us.



And you, Mr. Crewe,

are gonna be the quarterback.



I don't think so.



Let me tell you something.



In my prison, to get along,

you gotta go along.



I just wanna do my three years

and be done.



Three years is before

you assaulted Captain Knauer.



Now, you could be with us

for a very long time, Mr. Crewe.



Fine, I'll do it.



Good choice.



But one condition, though.



Gotta promise me to keep

Captain Knauer off my back.



It's a deal.



Now, you got four weeks

to assemble a team and train them.



What, are we gonna have a half-hour

a day to practice with a Nerf ball?



Oh, I'll make sure my boys allow you

sufficient freedom, within these walls,



to get your team in shape.



What's this? "Football 'tree-outs. "'



What the hell is a "tree-out"?



"Tryout," you half a meatball.



- What's this football thing about, man?

- Crewe's getting a team together.



- To play against who?

- The guards.



Now, I don't know about y'all,

but I occasionally have the impulse



to physically assault one of our

finer correctional officers.



Yeah? Well, how the hell

we gonna get to do that?



Just show up at the "tree-outs,"

you big, dumb bitch.



Do the girls get to play?



We're playing footballs,

not balls-balls.



This is bullshit. Just another chance

for the guards to beat on us.



Don't you idiots get it? We could get

a free shot at the guards.



This is our turn.

We could beat up on them.



We could kill them.



Kill them.



You know MVP

sold his own teammates out.



What do you think

he's gonna do to you fools?



And that's the truth.

With some cheese on it.



There ain't no meat loaf

between these buns.



Yo, man, that's my flier, man!

I worked hard on it!



You see? He ran like a little bitch,

right? You saw that, right?



Yo, team needs you.

Team needs you.



You sh... You come to the tr...

Come to the tree-outs.



Crappy field, shit-ass equipment...



Hey, man, at least we got some

world-class players over there.












He might make the team.



Well, if we gotta cut him,

you're doing it.









- All right, man.

- Good job, man.



Well, well, well.

You a football player?



Oh, no. I never played

no football, mister.



So, what happened? You read the flier,

thought it looked like some fun?



- Oh, I can't read.

- Oh, don't worry.



Reading's for rich people.



So you know, we're putting together

a football team. Love you to join.



Will you teach me to football?



Sure we'll teach you to football.

Won't we, Caretaker?



Hey, I'll teach you anything.

Just don't eat me.






Down, Shrek. Down!



Okay, bring it in. Whoever's trying out

for the team, wake up.



Can you give a brother

a little hustle?



Very good.



For those of you who don't know

who I am, I'm Paul Crewe.



I'm gonna be your coach,

your captain, your quarterback.



You haven't played in years.

Why can't I be quarterback?



- You're right. Let's see what you got.

- All right.



- Hit me, I'm open.

- Hike, hike! Hike!



That's why.

Now, sit down and shut up.



It slipped. I just ate popcorn.



Question: Any of you gentlemen

ever play football before?



- You did? Where?

- Kansas State.



Are you shitting me?

For Coach Snyder?



Kansas State Prison.



Now, I hear they have

the softest mattresses out there.



Yeah, they do.



Not as soft as the ones

at West Texas Mental Institution.



- Really?

- Let's finish this conversation later.



For now, I wanna see

what you got out there.



We'll grade them

on a scale of one to ten.



Move it! Hustle, hustle, hustle!



Give these guys sixes.

Give these guys fives.



Good. Good.

Give them threes.



Very nice!



- Aren't we missing somebody?

- Where's the Kansas State guy?



You assholes better not cut me!

I'm still on this team!



Negative two.



All right, go with negative two.



Hey! Somebody bring me

a Diet Coke!



- Let's do this!

- That's it!






Good. Seven.



Stupid tire! You're a fricking tire!



You think you're better than me?!

I'll kick your ass!






And a half?



Yeah. That's better.



Okay. Good.



Yeah. Hit that bag, man.

There you go, man.






- Five. I don't know.

- I go.



Come on, Switowski!






Oh, man!



- Look at that.

- He got it off the hinge.



- I think that's a ten.

- Let's go with a ten.



I'm sorry. I "brokeded" your toy.



No, that's a good thing. You should

have a victory hug with Caretaker.



What? What you

talking about, man? Hey!






Okay, fellas, it's pretty simple.

You do a buttonhook.



The rest of you guys block for me.

I'll take care of the rest.



Okay? On "go. " On "go. "



Ready? Break!



We'll work on that.



Okay, half speed on this one, guys.

Slow and easy.









Stop it!



Stop the violence!



Can't we all get along?



- Hey, Paul.

- Unger.



- Team's looking great.

- Oh, yeah.



- So are you.

- Yep. Working on it.



The blood of the guards is gonna flow

like the rivers of ancient Babylon.



That's good news.

Unger, you're the man.



Good job today. You're all starting

to look really sharp out there. Yeah.



See you tomorrow.



- We're gonna suck.

- Yeah. No doubt about it.



You look like

you could use a little help.



No offense, my man,

but you're a little seasoned.






I'm not asking to play. I'll coach.

I'm Nate Scarborough.



Nate Scarborough?



The Heisman Trophy winner

from Oklahoma?



The inmate from cellblock D.



But about a hundred years ago,

when I could run and gun,



yeah, I was a Sooner then.



I heard you were dead.



No, I ain't dead.

I've been right here, rotting.



Waiting for a chance to get back

at those sadistic guards.



Waiting. For this.



Well, coach, as you can see,



we don't exactly have the cream

of the crop to work with here.



Well, what are we gonna do?

How are we gonna find players?



How'd they get you

to go to Florida State?



They recruited me.



I'll get the strippers.



Well, now, Lindsay, this isn't

about credit or congratulations. 



This is about giving men

who've made mistakes in their lives



an opportunity

to rise above themselves.



To move beyond

the bars of containment.



Say what?



What I would do to you.



Yeah. Nice boot, skin man.



Hey, why does he get to be

the kicker? I was All-State, man.



Let's see what you got.



That's why, you dumb-ass.



Just go do some laps.



I heard you boys needed to see me.



Yeah. I want you to meet Skitchy.



Hey, dog.

Check that building over there.



They keep all the records

in the basement.



He's been here so long,

he knows where everything is.



That ain't necessarily

a good thing, is it?



I had a parole date in '  .

But I got in a tussle with a guard and...



One punch and it went away.



Twenty extra years for one punch?



Well, unfortunately for him,

the guard he punched



just happens to be the warden now.



Oh, shit. Warden Hazen?



"Oh, shit" is right.



Fight in the yard. Send backup.



Right on time.



- Let's do it.

- Let's do it.



Ain't you guys glad you got

a black man for a friend?



- Hell, yeah.

- Come on.



Hazen has a rating system

for every con.



What's three stars?



The more prone to violence that the

inmate is, the more stars he gets.



Five stars is the max.



I didn't know that. Let's see how many

stars my maniacal ass got.



Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake.

Check it again. Check it again.



You're about as maniacal

as a boxful of kittens.



Come on, that's not funny, man.



I'm gonna have to stab somebody

or something. Get my rep up.



Why don't we have a maniacal pillow

fight tonight. That could get it up some.



Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view.



Superstar Versus Half-a-Star. 



Why don't you shut up before I slit your

throat and watch the dust come out.



Come on, guys,

we only got a couple minutes.



How about this guy?



Damn, this fool got the chair

three times, ain't died yet.



Well, we may not have

the most talented team,



but we will definitely

have the meanest.



- What's he doing that for?

- Because he's a freak.



Hey, Sasquatch!

Someone's here to see you!



Not too smart on your part.






How's the headbanging coming?



You're bleeding. Just so you know.



People have told me that

you and I look a lot alike,



so I wanted to see for myself.



I'm gonna take a piss.



You scared him away, dumbshit.



You're kidding. Five-star Torres

likes The View?



No, just Joy Behar.



The good news is she can

breast-feed standing up. That's it. 



Where does she come up

with this shit?



I'm a Star Jones man myself.

I love that big bitch.



That was, like, the furthest thing. 



I got married so young, so, I mean,



they weren't pressuring me,

the society was pressuring me... 



Mr. Torres.



Us convicts are starting up

a football team.



Not interested.



We're playing the guards.



Walk away.



Good idea.



  for  .



You're putting the pressure

on her right now. 



Show's over, amigo.



I still got    minutes of Joy Behar.



Well, I'm cutting you short.

Back to your cell, asswipe.



Hey, white boy.



Cherryhead gonna play?



Yes, he is.



Crewe, don't forget,

I'm gonna be open.



Green   ! Hut!






Brucie. Brucie. You all right?

You breathing?



I got a bird. His name is Ronnie.



Well, tell Ronnie you got

knocked the fuck out.



Wow, no bullshit. Real football?

Against the guards?



Full contact.



Captain Knauer is their quarterback?



- Yep.

- So I get to tackle him?



Yeah. You can either tackle him or hit

him over the head with that hammer.



I wanna hurt him. Not kill him.



Let's get out of here

before that thing bites somebody.



All right. We'll see you

and your pet iguana at practice.



Down, set!



Hut! Hut!






- Hit me.

- Get rid of it.



Get rid of it!



He didn't get rid of it.



Sacked your ass.



Somebody's gotta get open, guys.



You got hammered by the hammer.



I think I felt it on my leg.

We gotta get some speed, man.



What'd you expect?

You got no brothers out there.



What are you talking about?

We got Switowski.



Switowski? That's one brother.



That's a lonely nigga.

This ain't hockey.



You want some speed,

you know where to go.



Hey, yo, check out

this fake Slim Shady, man.



I knew you couldn't resist my shit.



I got the shakes

that'll make you quake.



I got the fries that'll cross your eyes.



I got the burgers that'Il...



I just got burgers.



I'm all right. Thank you.



Just wanted to talk to you fellas about

possibly joining the football team.



The only game we'd play with you is



Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy

Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch.



Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch

Baby-back bitch



- That's a big-ass robot.

- Yeah.



You gonna help me out here?



Thank you, Half-a-Star.



Just so you know,

we are playing the guards.



That ain't a team.

That's just a bunch of dumb rednecks



giving themselves excuses

to grab each other.



This guy must be

quite the athlete, huh?



You risk bringing your ass in the jungle

because you know I am.



Yeah, so you'd beat me

in a game of one-on-one, right?



- What?

- I think it's time for you to get stepping.



How's this, though? One game.



I beat you, you guys play for the team.

You beat me, I'll leave you alone.



Take that. Take that, Deac.



This fool ain't nothing

but a thing, baby.



- Ball, dog.

- Ball up!



Can Crewe play ball?



He's a natural athlete.



So is Greg Louganis, but I bet you

he'd get his ass whupped out here.



- Game's   . Call your own fouls.

- Okay.



- Come on, come on.

- Give it to him, Deac!



Did I get you?



No, that was clean.



He'll be all right. Call his mama.



- If I foul you, tell me, dog.

- Okay, baby.



Take this f... Take this foul.



What happened there?

I think it's my ball, right?



All right.



Get up! Get up, Deac!



Come on, Paul!



- Calm down.

- What?



Now, don't stir up

the brothers, now. Come on.



Come on, Deacon!



Did I get you, dog?



Hell, no, baby. That was clean.

Good D.



I thought he didn't wanna get hurt.



It ain't about getting hurt.

It's about pride.



I bet you he's pretty proud right now.



It ain't easy being cheesy!



Did I get you? Did I get you?



- No, I think I'm okay, baby.

- I didn't get you, did I?



That's traveling, bitch.



You keep coming, huh?



Game point, baby.

How you want the game put up?






That was a bullshit call!



My court, my ball.



All right, y'all. Let Deac speak!



Nice spanking that ass, dog.



- Now, get stepping.

- Hold up.



Y'all got a running back?



Not any good ones.



No disrespect, Deac...



...but any man that can take

that kind of beating out here,



I can't wait to see what he can do

in a contact sport.



Shit, I'm in.



Man, give me that cheeseburger.

You acting like a real McAsshole.



Cheeseburger, he wants to run

with the white boys, we will let him.



Let's do this.



Earl Megget.



Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate

bar, but we got a Hershey's Kiss.



I'll take it.



Let's get this over with, rookie,

I'm starving.



Fresh meat, boys! Fresh meat!



Down, set!



Battle, you're a psycho!



Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!



Holy shit!



Get him!



Ran right out of your shoes, huh?

Hey, manager, don't you think



we can get our new star running back

a decent pair of cleats?



Yeah. I think I got a cousin

that drives a truck for Reebok.



It's cool, man.

I never had shoes growing up no way.



- I'll be all right for now.

- Oh, okay.



Get your country ass

back in the huddle.



That boy got some slave feet,

you see that?



Defense! Huddle up over there!



Paul. Paul.



Hey, ladies. How's it hanging?



- Tell him.

- I'm gonna say something to him.



I just wanted to let you know

I am your biggest fan.



And I will be cheering my jailhouse

boobies off for you at game day.



I appreciate that. Thank you.






I appreciate you.



Okay, thanks. I'm glad to know that.



Okay, are you done now?



What's wrong with you? Jealous

because I don't cheer for you anymore?



I don't know what

you're talking about, freak show.



Whatever, back freckles.



Oh, yeah, back freckles.

She's making up shit now.



I'm gonna get some water.



That feature interview

worked better than I thought.



I just got off the phone with ESPN .



They want to televise

the football game.



Guards, cons, Paul Crewe,

it's compelling stuff.



Lots of human interest.



Don't do that in here.






Dandridge, do you think

that might help my visibility



with the registered voters

of this fine state?



Oh, yes.



The freak is back!



Hey, hey. It's me again.



You know, if I take this half down,

we could play together.



I'm just gonna take this half down.



Don't worry. Don't worry.

I got another ball.



It's okay.



You wanna serve?



I'll serve.



Really good news.

We started a football team.



You like football?



It's kind of like Ping-Pong.



Only the ball's a little bigger

and egg-shaped, like my head.



Just a joke. Stay calm.



Give you a good chance

to throw people on the ground,



hurt them like you used to when you

were a kid,    feet   inches ago.



We'd be playing the guards.



I think Papajohn's their safety.



Turley, nobody gets to me.

We'll play more Ping-Pong later, okay?









- All right.

- He brokeded my nose.



I don't wanna play no more.



Hey, hey, hey. Switowski,

what are you talking about?



This is football. Shit happens.



Paul, he brokeded my nose.



Okay. Stop crying.



All right. We can fix this.

Here we go.



Okay. Good, good.



How's it look?



How's it look? It looks... It looks like...

It looks better than before.



- Really?

- Yeah, it's straighter.



More distinguished.

Kind of like a young Michael Jackson.



I love little Michael.



That's great. That's great.



I think he did it on purpose.



No, he didn't.



Okay, maybe he did.



You gotta apologize to him.

Come on, Turley.



Say you're sorry.



Come on. Say it.



He said he's sorry.

I got him to say he's sorry.



Yeah, yeah. We're all impressed.



Looking good, gentlemen.

Way to work hard.



Good practice, Paul!

Me and the girls wanna show you



- what we've been practicing.

- Okay, hit me.



- What we've been practicing.

- Okay, hit me.



Come on, let's go. One, two, three.



Give me a...



D, D, give me a I

I, I, give me a C



C, give me a...



All right, all right! I got it.

Just save it for the game.



Don't act like you ain't

want to see more, Brucie!



- Yeah, you wish, pal.

- No, you wish I'd kiss you again,



because your breath

smell like eight cans of shark shit.



I wouldn't touch her

with a   -foot pole.



- What's he talking about?

- He's a freak.



Run, Forrest, run!



That's how a white man plays guitar.



Captain, he said he had some info.



You guys have "Halo  ."

I didn't even think that was out yet.



Focus. Turn the music off!



Yeah, captain.

You know them convicts?



They're starting to get

some serious players.



But their biggest threat?

A running back. Megget.



- He's good?

- He's fast.



He's really, really fast.



I mean, he's so fast,

he makes fast people look not fast.



I got it, he's fast.



Now, why don't you show us your speed

and get your pyro ass out of here.



Yes, sir. Here I go. I'm sorry.



Any books

you'd recommend, inmate?



No, sir.



Not much of a reader.



Oh, come on, now, maggot.

I've seen you in here reading before.



You requested this detail.

Isn't that right?



No. It's the quiet time I like, sir.



Maybe you'd like to read this.



What the hell kind of bullshit

book is that?



It's historical. Sir.



Now, why would he want to read

a book about a four-eyed nigger?



Does the N word

offend you, nigger?



No, sir.



Sorry about that.



You mind fetching

these books for me, boy?



No, sir.



Just pick them up.

Put them on the table.



There you go.



You forgot one.



Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?



Hit you, sir? No.



Y'all my friends.



Pick these up.






Hit me! I'm open! I'm open!



Come on! We got one week

before we play that game.



We can't complete a pass yet.



- Megget can't run the ball every play.

- I know, coach.



What the hell is he smiling at?



This better be on the up and up.



I guarantee it.



Let's do this shit.



There goes the neighborhood.



Now I'll never get to play.



Did you see that? Did you see that?

The Deac is here!






Okay, we seal off here, seal off here.



- Cheeseburger.

- Yeah.



You're just gonna chip this guy...



That stings.



It's nothing a Quarter Pounder

can't fix.



With cheese on it?






Man, that boy would catch a cold

in the desert. Here you go.



- Everything's looking up.

- Yeah.



Still got one more

pain in the ass to deal with.



All right, what do you say?

How about a little best ball?



No, I hate that bullshit.

Everyone play their own damn ball.



Holy shit, is that Paul Crewe?



How do you like that, boys?

The MVP coming to kiss my ass.



So, what's on your mind, Paul?



Got a problem with inmate Unger.



- Is he on your little squad?

- I believe he's on your little squad.



Mr. Crewe, would you mind

if we had a picture? Please?



That's up to the warden.



- Damn it. All right.

- Rewound it. Did everything.



- The flash is ready.

- You don't need a flash. It's daylight.



Oh, my bad.

I just want a good picture.



You know, I think you had sex

with my wife before I married her.



- Sorry about that.

- Oh, hell, no.



If she's hot enough to have

a one-nighter with a pro football player,



I must be doing all right.



Okay, here we go.



- Sergeant Engleheart?

- Yes, warden.



Would you step out

of the picture, please?



Yes, sir.



- His wife has got the hottest ass.

- Great.



Just cut to the chase, shall we?



You don't actually think you have

a chance of winning, now, do you?



We're gonna get

our asses handed to us.



I know it. You know it.

I just don't want my players to know it.



Your players?



Just when I thought

I had you all figured out.



- What does that mean?

- In the time you've been here,



you haven't made or received

one telephone call.



You haven't opened so much

as a single shred of mail.



What do you give a damn

about those slimeballs?



You never cared about anybody

in your entire life.



Well, maybe I finally found

that sense of family



I been yearning for since I'm a baby.



And gosh almighty,



my new family and I

would sure appreciate it



if you got Unger off the field.

You hear?



Sergeant Engleheart.



Thank you.



Oh, and as for your request...


           'll have my answer

soon enough.



Did it rain last night?



Not a drop.



Son of a bitch.



All right, boys.



The warden is trying

to break our spirit.



He thinks we're gonna

skip practice today,



wait for the field to dry,

make it up tomorrow.



You know what? Who gives a shit?



Three days till game time.

We can handle it.



But let me say this:



That old man flooding this field

tells me something.



The guy is scared.



Scared of you sick,

degenerate convicts.



And you know what?



He should be.



Because I got news for you guys.



We're gonna win this thing.



Did he say "win"?



What's it gonna be, boys?



Do we go back to our cells,

call it a day?



Or do we get ourselves ready

for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta



in the history of football?



I'll leave it up to you guys.



Hey. You're part

of the goddamn team.



Get your point-shaving ass in there.



You got it.



I guess that asshole Hazen

wants to play dirty.



- We all convicts, right?

- Right.



Maybe it's time

we started acting like it.



Right here. Right here.



Take it, Deac.



Let's see which guards

have some broken bones.






Shoes, nigga!



Check this out. These be brass

knuckles. They damn near old as me.






That's perfect, Cheeseburger!

Never been better.



Good ball. Good ball.






- Who we gonna crush?

- The guards!



- Who we gonna kill?

- The guards!



- Who we gonna kiss?

- The guards!






Lights out!



Good night, ladies.



- Yo, Crewe!

- Yes, Mr. Caretaker.



Check your toilet. There should be

a little surprise in there for you.



You took a shit in my toilet?



No, that's the surprise

I left in Brucie's toilet.



- You got something else.

- All right.



Well, would you look at this.



A bottle of Ketel One

and two glasses?



Now, what would I need two for?



Just shut up

and pour me a drink, bitch.



- Man, who taught you to be so cool?

- My mama.



Now, when I get out of here, I don't

want you to get all Hollywood on us.



I want you to meet her.



Here, look at my girl.

She's your biggest fan.



Your mom's beautiful.



And you, you are ugly.



Thank you. Got it.



Here's to...



...the first friend I've had

in I don't know how long.



Hey, I thought

I was your friend, Paul.



You are, Switowski. Just finish your

coloring book and go back to sleep.






And here's to having one of these

with you on the outside,



sometime in the next

three to five years.



- Yo, Crewe.

- Yes, sir.



You being a ex-football player

and all,



I'm sure you got a lot

of hot ass on the outside.



Well, let's not forget I wasn't

the most popular guy out there.



Don't give me that shit.



O.J. Chopped his wife's head off

and still got some ass.






My mama taught me not to kiss

and tell. Now, go to sleep.



All right. I got one more question

to ask you.



Okay. What is it?



Why'd you shave those points?



Didn't you read the papers?

I'm innocent.



Yeah. Ain't we all?



Yo, Crewe, what would you say



if I could get you film

from the guards' games last year?



I would say that's incredible,

but how?



Thanks, gentlemen.



The warden will be done with him

in    minutes.



- We can handle him.

- Yes, ma'am.



Then you're gonna, ma'am.



Nice job.



I can't tell you how much this means

to me. Thank you, Lynette.



Now Nate can study

all the guards' formations.



Not so fast, sugar bear.



You gotta earn them.



We only got    minutes,



but, sunshine, we're gonna

make them all count.



One more, please?



Let's go.



- Quiet down. Guys.

- Let's go.



Before we watch the guards'

game film from last season,



we have a special presentation

from our very own Mr. Paul Crewe.



What are you talking about?



What's going on?



Now I gotta relive this shit?






You can say this,

my man's a team player!



You know what they say. Once

you go gray, there ain't no other way!



Hey, hey, hey. Brucie! Brucie!

I'm glad you think that's funny,



because I got something pretty funny

to show you guys.



Tony, hit it. You're gonna like this.



- What the hell is this?

- What? It's good. It keeps going.



- Hi. 

- Here I am. 



Turn this shit off. Turn it off.






Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny.

Trick photography.



Nothing happened.

Nothing happened.



I was showing a little wrestling move.

That's all.



Knock it off!



Knock it off!



It's time we took a look

at what we came here to see



before the guards come back.



The first film is the guards' offense

against Texas Southern.



Now, as you can see,

they're running a standard wishbone.



So you're telling me that these animals

are watching our game films.



- Is that right?

- Yes, sir, boss.



They got all last season.



Seems to me that we ought to

do something about this.



What do you want me to do?



You're the criminal. Be creative.



But on game day, if I so much as...



What are you doing?



I don't know.

I've had hot flashes all shift,



and now my nipples are killing me.



Why are we talking about

your nipples?



We're not. Just go do

what you're doing there.






I want Crewe finished.



Yes, sir. You give me the inspiration,

sir. I got something for him.









Huddle up!



Every day we've been taking shit,

for a long time.



Tomorrow, payback.

Now, think about that for a second.



- What time is it?

- Game time!



- What time is it?

- Game time!



- What time is it?

- Game time!



Tomorrow,   :   the bus leaves.

Don't be late!



Where the hell is Caretaker?



I don't know.



A gift for you, Mr. Crewe.



How does he listen

to that cracker shit?



We're here deep in the heart

of toothless country,



coming to you from a simple

Texas high school stadium



that's been retrofitted

for the big event. 



Now, when my man Travis

tried to drag me out here, I said,



"What are you, brain-dead from

talking to too many Raider fans?



It's not going to work. "



But the fact of the matter is,

this could shape up as an epic day.



Hot-dog vendors, high-powered rifles,

I love the combination. 



And apparently so do the fans. 



Hey, shitheads! Listen up!



Everybody on their feet

for the warden.



Anthony, wow. You can sit down.



Thank God.



Gentlemen, Texas marshals

have been kind enough



to supply us with a dozen

of their finest sharpshooters.



So for those of you thinking

of mingling with the civilians



or trying to make a break for it,



you will be shot.



In the head.



Now, let's all go out there

and have some fun!



Crewe! I'll see you on the field!



I think he's in love with you.



All right, listen up.



I know it's hard to get psyched for

the game without Caretaker being here.



But somehow that sick,

skinny bastard



found a way to get us all fired up

from beyond the grave.



Caretaker's last gift to us.



Battle, I presume this is yours.



I still don't think that's big enough.



- That's it?

- No, that ain't it.



Caretaker said he'd find us

some gear to wear.



I think he found us a name too.



Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

Mean Machine! Mean Machine!



Good afternoon and welcome to a

very special edition of ESPN football. 



As today, the semipro

Allenville Federal Prison guards



will be taking on the very prisoners

they guard. 



And with this special game, folks,

comes a special broadcast,



as I'm joined in the booth

by Baby Face Bob.



Say hi to the folks, Bob-O.



Chris, we went to a commercial.



This job, Bob,

it's a lot of give and take.



So when I bring you in,

don't be afraid to talk to the folks.



Unless you don't want to.



And here come the cons,



led by former NFL MVP quarterback

Paul Crewe. 



Holy shit. Hey, hey, hey.



Well, hello. How are you?



Back away from the girls!



- Hey, now.

- Call me!



What the hell

are you dressed up for?



Hey, I didn't spend    years

in the joint just to watch this game.



And there in the

high-security bleachers



are the good-behavior cons,

along with their... 



... cheerleaders?



We're the mean machine

Don't mean to dis you



We're gonna kick your ass

And then we'll kiss you



Hey! Ho!




I didn't do it!



Come on, Batt!



- What's that?

- Did you see that?



Damn it!



Papajohn's at the    the   .

And he will score. 



Sweet dreams, bitch.



That's a   -yard return. 



And I gotta tell you, the cons seem

more interested in hitting the guards



than tackling the ball carrier.



Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Thanks for picking me up from school.



And here comes the big story

of the day. 



Paul Crewe,

serving a three-year sentence,



hasn't played since he was banned

from the NFL six years ago. 



Center, shift it! Shift it!



Hey, Sasquatch!



Twenty, hut!



Crewe drops back to pass. 

Turley's leaving him unprotected. 






Holy shit!



Goddamn it.



That's gonna be a personal foul

on the big guy. 



And this is certainly an inauspicious

start for the cons. 



Come here! All right! You got him.

Now, protect me!



Let's go! Hold them!



And here comes Knauer and that

big offensive unit for the guards. 






Back to your cell.



Hut! Hut!



Knauer has Potter wide open. 

Touchdown, guards. 



- Son of a bitch!

- And in the first    seconds,



the guards are up

by two touchdowns. 



This one looks like

it could be over early.






What are we celebrating for?!

It's   -nothing!



You guys wanna beat these assholes,

do it on the scoreboard!



Are you okay? Oh, God,

you're not hurt, are you?



Jesus, you sound like my mother.



Listen, if you wanna cry,

you go ahead and cry. I'll cry with you.



Get off me! Get back out there

and kick some ass!



Why are you yelling at me?

All I did was care!



Look! A broken leg will heal.



A loss to the Mean Machine

lasts forever.



Sorry, guys.



Yeah, yeah. Me too.



All right. Now, let's get started!



Now, get the hell out there! Let's go!



Way to go! Way to go!



There's the first sign of life

from the cons. 



Let's see if Paul "Motley" Crewe

can make something happen.






On first down, Crewe will throw. 

He's got Deacon wide open. 



That's gotta be pass interference. 



But the ref is waving it off. 



- What?!

- Oh, come on!



Come on, now. I'm in this hellhole

for less than that.



- Be a man and make a call.

- You're right.



Unsportsmanlike conduct!

Eighty-eight black!






Come on!



This is baby-back bullshit!



- Bullshit, D.

- Calm down. Let it go.



Let's call that one

a questionable call.



Blue    hut!



The give is to Megget. He spins

to the outside. Megget has room. 



He's at the   . The   .



He's brought down hard,

by his facemask. 



What? Oh, come on, man!

That was a facemask!



- You're not gonna call that?

- I saw a clean tackle, sir.



What you looking at?

Are you serious?



Tell it to the parole board, criminal.



I mean, this is absurd.



We can't win with the refs

on the payroll!



Listen up. I got an idea

to end all this bullshit.



Come on, let's all stay up! Come on!



Down, set!



Red   .



Cover your man!



Red   . Hut!



That one hurt my marble sack.



All right!



- You all right?

- Yeah.



- What down is it?

- Fifth.



- No, no. It would be fourth down.

- Okay.



What do you think?

Should I go for the left nut this time?



Underneath! Let's go!



Ref, you gotta get in the game!

Right over here!



Well, I don't quite get this, but on fourth

and    the cons are gonna go for it. 



Down, set!



Red   .



Red   . Hut!



You gotta always protect

the McNuggets.



How about from now on, you call

a fair game? How's that sound?



Sounds good.



Okay. Wet Willie.



Yeah, you like that.



And so the guards will take over



after one of the strangest

offensive series I've ever seen. 



Okay, boys. We know who doesn't

have any balls out there now.



Have we got any?

Have we got some balls?



- Yeah!

- All right! Let's go kick some ass!



Come on, Swit, stand them up, baby.



White   . White   . Hut, hut, hut!



Knauer, play action. 

Here comes the blitz. 



Switowski is so big, it's like being

tackled by a Coke machine with legs. 



This is fun!



Nice to see you smiling, Bob.



Thanks, Chris.



Green   ! Hut!



Third and  

and the give is to Megget. 



He's to the   

where he'll come up short. 



But look at Turley push the pile. 



And now Crewe. 



And that's a first down!



And look out. Boy, somebody better

take control of this game soon,



or they're gonna need body bags

on the sidelines. 



Let's go, guys.



Start of the second quarter. 



Cons still down by two touchdowns,

but they finally have some momentum. 






Crewe with a shovel pass to Megget. 



And Megget scrambles

for a first down. 



Oh, you fooled me.



- I got you there, didn't I?

- You did.



You know, Engleheart, you are

the best-looking guy on your team.



You know, Paul, in the midst of all this,

for you to say something like that is...



Come on, let's go. Let's go, D.



First and    at the guards'   .



Crewe dumps it over the middle

to Deacon Moss. 



And he's hammered at the    for a

  -yard pickup, and that's a first down. 



- Hut!

- Crewe, trying to get his team



on the scoreboard. 



He will throw. 



And it's caught by Deacon Moss

for a touchdown!



All right!



And so there'll be no shutout today,

as the cons are on the board. 



Quit booing, people.

Both teams are trying very hard!



What the hell's wrong with you?

Stop acting like a damn cheerleader!



- Sportsmanship, try it.

- Shut up.






 :   left in the first half. 

And Dunham is back in at fullback. 



And he is a load, at  ' ",    .



Dunham, breaking tackles. 



He refuses to go down. 



But he finally does

after a   -yard gain. 



That's how a white man

runs a football.



If I was on D, I'd crack you square

in that egg-ass head of yours.



Yeah, but you ain't on D.

Are you, bitch?



Switowski! Come here.



Do you know what

he said to me in the library?



Yes. Him. Out.



D, D, defense

D, D, defense



The cons don't seem to have

an answer for Dunham,



who's averaging close to    yards

a carry this half. 



Green   .



Green   . Hut!



Oh, what a hit on Dunham

by Switowski. 



I think I made him shit himself.



- Shit!

- I think he just shit himself.



I think he just shit himself.



Good Lord.

This guy shit himself bigtime.



See? I told you

I made him shit himself!



Yo! I'll make sure I send

them books to the hospital, pimp.



And some diapers.



Nineteen seconds.

We got a lot of ground to cover.



So you bastards remember

that play we practiced in the mud?



What are you talking about?

That was some schoolyard bullshit.



Yeah. Let's try some

schoolyard bullshit.



Come on, D, let's go.



Down, set! Green   .



Green   . Hut!



The clock starts to run. Crewe hands

the ball to Megget. It's a reverse. 



Cheeseburger Eddy's got it. 



Go, baby, go!



He laterals to Deacon. 



Tackle him!



To Turley. 



The clock is running. To Brucie. 



Shades of Cal-Stanford. 



Back to Crewe. 



He tosses to Megget. 



Tackle him!



And look at that little Megget run. 



Three seconds left. 



Yeah! Go!



He could go all the way. Touchdown!



Did you see that?!



Do that sound again.



I like that.



And so, on a miraculous play,



the cons end the first half

with the score:   -all. 



Bring it in.



Do you have any idea

who's beating you out there?



This was supposed to be a blowout,



and they're showing you up

in front of the whole nation.



The whole nation!



I like it when he's angry.



- I told you!

- Way to go, baby, way to go.



What in the hell do you think

you're doing out there?



Playing football, sir.



I didn't say nothing about winning.



We're not winning. Not yet.



You got yourself in quite

a predicament, Mr. Crewe.



- Is that right?

- See, it's just come to my attention



that inmate Unger

has been taken into custody



for the murder of Caretaker.



- Good.

- Oh, yeah, it's good.



Only thing is, he claims

to have an accomplice.



Claims you knew all about it.



Hell, he even says

you sent Caretaker to your cell.






Captain Knauer says

he saw you planning it with Unger.



There's no way

that could hold up in court.






Hell, boy, in Allenville,

I'm the judge, I'm the jury,



and in your particular case,

I'm the executioner.



What do you want?



I want you to lose.



I can't do that.



Of course you can. After all,

you've had plenty of practice.



But the men. It's more important

to them than it is to you.



Okay. Suit yourself.



Spend the next    years

of your useless life in prison.



All right, I'll do it.



But I don't want my guys hurt.

You get ahead, you coast. We clear?



Fine. Right after I get

a two-touchdown lead.



I tell you what bothers me

the most, warden.



That you're not gonna be

out there on that field with us,



getting what you got coming to you.



The only thing coming to me

is victory.



Mean Machine.



It's cute.



- Let's go, boy!

- We can do it, baby!






May I have a word?



Don't worry, warden,

we'll take care of business.



I already have.



What? We can win this on our own.



Captain, a man in my position

doesn't leave things to chance.



Now, after you get a comfortable

three-touchdown lead,



I want you to inflict as much pain

as humanly possible.



Do not let up, you hear?



I want those cons to understand

who owns them.



Do I make myself clear?



Oh, yes, sir.






There's the kickoff, and we're

under way in the second half. 



Megget is finally brought down

at the guards'   



where Paul Crewe will take over. 



And what a first half he's had. 



Here we go! Here we go!



Down, set!



Y   . Hut!



On first and    Crewe will pass. 



- He's got Deacon wide open. 

- Come on.



Oh, incomplete. 



It's okay. Get your head up.



It's all right, man.



Come on, Paulie.



Second and    from the   . Crewe's

looking for Deacon once again. 



- He's open!

- He's open!



But overthrows it. 

And it's picked off by Papajohn. 



Look out! He might go. 



Say goodbye. 






The first mistake

Crewe's made all day.



Short memory, baby.

We'll get it back. We'll get it back.



Defense, let's do this!



 :   left in the third quarter,



and Crewe has struggled

thus far in the second half. 






The pitch to Megget. 

Oh, my! That ball is live!



It's picked up by Lambert. 



He's at the    the   

and he will score!



Yeah! Touchdown! Yeah!



Crewe took a shot on that play

and he's getting up slowly. 



Meanwhile, in the end zone, the guards

have something to celebrate,



as they find themselves up

by two touchdowns. 



This is simply a different Paul Crewe

we're seeing here in the second half. 



There's the old Paul Crewe

we love to write about.



What the hell are you

doing out there?



I'm done.



I'm out. That's it.



- Where you hurting?

- My knee.



- Seems okay to me.

- Well, it ain't.



If Crewe can't go, I don't know how

deep these guys are at quarterback.



The guards will try to keep it away

from Megget, so they'll pooch kick. 



Fair catch. Fair catch.



As Big Tony calls for the fair catch. 



Watch out. That was as late a hit

as I've ever seen. 



And even some of the home crowd

not liking that one. 



Hang in there, partner.



Can of corn. Can of corn,

and I'll be fine. Can of corn.



Yeah, I'd have a hard time

looking at me too.






Yeah, coach.



You're the only one that knows

this offense, son. Now, do it.



Coming into the game,

replacing the injured Paul Crewe,



is number   Brucie. 



All right, all right.

Crewe's playing like shit.



That's his problem.

I'm gonna bring us back.



Right,    Flex Dive Motion

on one. Ready!






Yeah. It's Brucie's

time to shine, baby.



Okay. Down, set. Hut!



There's the snap and the ball is

fumbled. And the guards recover. 



I knew I shouldn't

have had that popcorn.



The guards are in command here

as we move late into the third quarter.



Ninety-eight. Hut! Hut!



The give is to Potter. 

Back to Knauer. 



He's got a man open

deep downfield. 



He'll throw the flea-flicker!



And he's got it. Touchdown, guards. 



And this game is starting

to look like a blowout. 



Hey, man, after all Caretaker did,

this is how you show him love?



Don't worry about it.



You haven't changed one damn bit.



All right. Down, set!



Back in at quarterback is Brucie,



who will try to find a handle

on the ball this time. 



Throw it, Brucie!



Oh, shit!



And look out. 



What a shot he took!



How much more blood do you want?



I think the cons are just about

out of options at quarterback. 



Hey, Skitchy,

let me ask you something.



When you popped the warden,

was it worth it?



Was it worth spending

the rest of your life in here?



Was it worth it? It was worth

every goddamn second.



What the hell is he doing?



Paul Crewe must be feeling better,

because here he comes.



All right, I missed you guys,

so I'm back.



We got a lot of work to do.

Let's get it going.



Deuce right,   . Fly on two. Ready?






As we start the fourth quarter,

cons down by three touchdowns. 



Wide left! Tight left!



Black   . Hut! Hut!



Here comes the blitz,

and no one's blocking!



And Crewe will be sacked

for a big loss. 



That looked like a message to Crewe

from his offensive line. 



Did you see that, man?

They're quitting on him.



Okay, baby. Jailbreak Blitz. Ready?



We got that out of the way.

I deserved it.



- Now we gotta play some football.

- Switch it! Switch it!



Cons need to do something

to get back in this game. 



And that's not it!



And Crewe is leveled!



I don't think he's gonna get up

from that one.



Nice hit!



But he is. And I don't know how,

after that last hit. 



All right, punt team!



Keep them off the field!

We're going for it.



Dumbshits are going for it!

Let's go! Let's go!



Come on back, if he wants to get

his ass kicked. Come on back.



This is unbelievable. 



Fine. You guys don't wanna help me,

I'll do it on my own. On two.



Let's go, to the line.



On fourth and   



the cons are gonna go for it. 

This could be the ball game right here. 



Red   . Hut! Hut!



Crewe dodges the blitz,

but he loses his helmet. 



And he's not going down. 



He's got the first down. 






- Man, oh, man.

- Not bad.



Huddle up.






I'm sure you already know this,

but I never said it out loud.



I did throw that game.



I did it.



I was in a bad way

with some worse people.



After I did it,



I felt so shitty I wish I would have

just let them kill me instead.



Now the warden wants to pin

Caretaker's murder on me



if I don't throw this game.



So it looks like I'm gonna get

to know you guys a lot better,



because I ain't doing that

twice in a lifetime.



We got a little time left.

We can still do this.



I'm begging you.

Put your hands in here.



Okay. Thank you. Now, who are we?



Mean Machine!



Come on, Mean Machine, let's go!



That's great news.



All right. We got ourselves a game.



Brown   . Hut!



First and    from the   .

Crewe finds Deacon open in the flat. 






The give is to Megget. And he fights

his way for a  -yard gain. 



One yard, baby. One more yard.



Hut! Hut!



Crewe tries a sneak. Or is it?



He flips it back to Megget. 



Megget's got the first down

and more. 



And Megget is down to the  -yard

line, where it'll be first and goal. 






Crewe hands it to Turley. 

And look at the big man go. 



Tackle him!






That was some rumbling, bumbling

stumbling right there.



And listen to the crowd



as this underdog con team

is starting to win them over. 



Third down and  . Guards have

the ball on their own   -yard line. 



Knauer needs a first down

to put this game away. 



White   !



White   !



And look at Battle take off. 



He knocks the ball loose!



There's a dogpile in the backfield. 

The refs are trying to sort it out. 



My arm!



The cons recover!



We got the ball! We got the ball!

We got it! We got it!



With just over two minutes left to be

played, this has turned into a game.



Crewe will start in great field position

at the guards'   .



And look at this formation. 

The guards, they're confused. 



Shift over! Move!



They're trying to call time-out,

but there's the snap. 



Moss is behind a wall of cons. I

wouldn't wanna be in front of that thing. 



And they'll score!



- Hey! Is that legal?

- Yeah, it is.



- Is that a touchdown?

- Yes, it is.



What is going on here? Shit!



And with the extra point,

the cons are down by just seven. 



- Brucie!

- Yeah. Yeah, coach.



I want you to go out there

and kick off.



- I can do it.

- Kick off!



Brucie can't kick worth a shit.



I know. Recover the ball.



Jesus Christ, my savior.

If you help me out with this one,



I promise to stop cheating on my wife

with black guys. Amen.



Back in the game is Brucie,

and he'll do the honors. 



And it's a horrible kick. 



But the ball is tipped!



And the cons have come up with it!



- We got it! One time-out.

- Got it. Got it.



That's it, Brucie. Hey, hey!

My bad. My bad. My bad. Come on.



Give me that.






Well, that felt unnecessary.



Cons have enough time

for one final drive. 



Crewe drops back to pass. 

He's under pressure. 



- Watch the pass!

- He's looking for Deacon. 



He gets the ball up, but he's leveled. 



And Deacon's got it for a first down,

but he stayed inbounds. 



Tick, tick, tick. 

The clock keeps running. 



Clock's running. Clock's still running!

Clock's still running!



On the ball!



Goddamn it! Do something!






Crewe. He's looking to throw. 

Under pressure again. 



Go! Get rid of it! Go! Go!



He pitches it to Megget. 

He's got some room. 



Here we go. Here we go.

Go, Megg! Go, Megget!



- Go, Megget!

- Get him!



He could go all the way!



But he won't!



Goddamn it!



And Megget is hit hard

at the   and he's hurt. 



My knee, man!



You busted your knee for us,

we'll bust our ass for you.



Hey, coach, I need a back!



Just win this shit.



I'm going in.



Coach, you serious?



Yeah, I'm serious.



And look who's

coming into the game. 



You can do it!



Get that old ass of yours

in the end zone!



We gotta win this thing! Come on!



No, no, no. Hey, old man.



Absolutely not.

You're gonna get killed out here.



They've been trying that for years.

Don't worry, I got the perfect play.



- I ain't handing you the ball.

- You don't have to.



Nate Scarborough, the former

Heisman Trophy winner from     



is gonna play tailback,



but he's gotta be in there more

for moral support than anything. 



Mean Machine. Mean Machine.



Mean Machine. Mean Machine.



Mean Machine, Mean Machine

Mean Machine



Mean Machine!



Mean Machine!



Six seconds left on the clock. 

Cons down by seven. 



They must score on this play. 



Don't let them through!



Down, set!



- Black   !

- Come on, D!



Black   ! Hut! Hut!



Black   ! Hut! Hut!



The give is to the big man, Turley. 



He's stopped by Lambert

at the line for no gain. 



No! Wait!



The ball's picked up

by Scarborough. 



Come on!






What an amazing comeback, folks!



Taking a play from

the old Nebraska playbook. 



The Fumblerooskie.



Easy. Easy.



You still alive, old man?



Never felt better in my life.



You're a sick bastard. Come here.



All right.



And now the cons are a mere

extra point away from overtime.



Mean Machine!



Team vote: We go for the win?

We go for the tie?



Hell, guys, we're convicts.

We always go for it all.



Unfortunately, that's why

we're all in the joint.



What would Caretaker do?



Give me that blackboard.



Yeah, come on!



Come on.



Are you serious?



I don't know. That play is wack.



It's gonna work.



It's gonna work. Let's go. On the ball.



Come on! Let's go!



Let's go, y'all! Let's go!



I think it's gonna work.



Get them out there.



And wait a minute. 

Crewe is coming back into the game. 



The cons are gonna go for the win. 



They're going for it.



Crewe, trying to settle his team

into formation. 



But there seems to be

a lot of confusion. 



Come on! Run the play!



Turley! Turley. Over here.



Move your giant ass right here!

Right here.



Come on, baby. Come on.



The play clock is still running. 

Crewe better call a time-out. 



Come on, Crewe!



They don't know what we're doing!



Run the play we set up.



I think you're still dizzy from that hit!



The snap is to Deacon. 



It's a trick.



He throws it to Crewe. 



They did it! Unbelievable!



The cons win!



We win!



Group hug in the shower tonight!



Or not. Or not.



Well, there you have it. 



A bunch of ruthless criminals

have beaten



the men that uphold

our justice system. 



Criminals are people too, Chris.



Now, give me your wallet.






Just kidding.



You got a lot of balls, Crewe.

You played a hell of a game.



And don't worry, I know you had

nothing to do with Caretaker's murder.



And I'll back that up.



Thank you, baby.



Mean Machine! Mean Machine!



You humiliated me. I can't believe

you couldn't even win a fixed game.



Now, where the hell

does he think he's going?



He's escaping.



He's escaping.



Officer, shoot that man!



But, sir, there's people.



Shoot him.






Captain, I order you

to shoot that prisoner.



Shoot him! Fire!






Damn it, I'm giving you an order,







Pull the trigger!



It's the game ball.






Why don't you stick this

in your trophy case.



- You have a nice time, old man?

- Yeah.



Yeah? Okay.

So, what do we do now?



Well, the first thing is, we tell the

team where they're hiding Unger.



Oh, I can't wait to see

what Switowski does to him.



Great game, sir.



That's a week in the hotbox!



Who gives a shit?


Special help by SergeiK