Loser Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Loser script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jason Biggs and Menu Suvari movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Loser. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Loser Script





-This might be it, Paul. Good luck.




Oh, boy. lt sure is thick.



l'm in.



See, your brother's smart.



He's smart. Are you as smart

as your brother? l think so.



We are so proud of you.



A full scholarship!



Plus a meal plan.



First one ever in our family.



Of course, he was

reading ''Archie'' at   .



Hey, hey. That's for Paul.



-Take this.

-Grandpa, no. l can't.



No, no. You don't know the city.

Everything there is very expensive.



Just parking your car costs $ .



Grandpa, l don't even have a car.



Make an old man happy.



Thank you.



Paul, dance with me?



Do it. All right.



Yeah! Cool.



Come on!



What are you doing?



No. Like this.



Come on, Paul. Do it right.



-You're messing it up!







-You all packed?




Can l give you a hand?



Yeah, wiggle that tail section

for me just a skosh, will you?



Don't know what l'll do here

without my wing man.



Oh, l'll be back soon

as they catch on to me.



What have they got to catch on to?



Well, it's a tough school.



And everyone else will be

more used to the city.



Did you know that one skyscraper

has more people than all of Clairmont?



And they're all real

sophisticated too.



You've seen that Seinfeld show.

lt's just like that.



They've all got that sarcastic

kind of humor.



Who was purported to be

the funniest kid at Jackson High?



You told me a hilarious joke

the other day.



-''A frayed knot--''




-...walks into the bar.

-Wants a drink. That was funny.



You're a funny guy.



Oh, l don't know.

l mean, it's such a giant city.



How can you possibly meet anyone?



You want the secret to making friends?




-l picked this up in the service.



You'll have a lot of buddies

if you remember this one rule:



lnterested is interesting.



Wow. What do you mean?



Well, everybody's got a story, okay?



And all they want is for somebody

to listen to it.



People are basically good.



lf you care about them,

they'll want to be your friend.



All you got to do is look at people

when you're talking to someone.



That's it. Look them in the eye.




Hear their story.

Hear what they've got to say.



You do that, buddy,

and you can do no wrong.









Wiggle that now, will you?



Excuse me.

Do you want to sit in my seat?



You can have my seat.

No-- Hey, that was for her.






You look familiar.



Tall drip.



That would be me.



Hi, l'm Paul.



Abnormal Psych.



We're in the same class.



See you there.






Left, left, no. Left, no!



But you're pushing!



Hey, guys, can it go over there?






Good afternoon.



Hey, what's up, man? How are you?



-Let me try that one again.

-No, that's good. Don't worry.



See you later.



Hey, guys.



That is a great hat.



Did the producers of Fargo

have a garage sale?



-Leave it be.

-Here, ''leave it be.''



-That fraternity called for you.

-Which one? Which one was it?



-Gamma something.

-Oh, it was....



-Gamma Delta, Gamma Delta Pi?

-Gamma Delta Pi.



No, it was gamma globulin, actually.



lt was a blood bank.

But they were interested in you.



lt was a blood bank.



''The Hunger Artist.''

lt's the story of a performer...



...who fasts as a form

of entertainment.



Sits in a cage all day. This is how

he manages to entertain his audiences.



But with his dying breath...



...he reveals his great secret:



That he could never actually

find any food that he...






l meant that.



Jerry Lewis, ladies and gentlemen.



Listen, mind if l continue

with Mr. Kafka's story?



Are you all right?



Yeah, l'm okay.



You banged your knee pretty bad.



No, no, l'm fine.



Let's put some ice on it.



What was Mr. Kafka saying about

free will versus destiny?



Anyone? ln the entire class

of      students...



...all paying $      a year

to be here?



-You? Lady in the infantry?

-l didn't read it yet.



l understand that.



You had Ben Affleck on the Leno show

last night, right?



Great stuff, witty banter,

looking forward to the movie.



Perhaps in the future...



...there'll be a course on    st century

literature but until that day--



Want some honey? l have more.



No, thank you.



Listen, people, those rectangular

slabs you're using as doorstops...



...they're books. Careful, first time

you open them, they'll crack a bit.



Don't be alarmed.



Florence Nightingale,

Kafka on free will versus destiny?



lt's not about free will

versus destiny.



You don't? Would you mind telling us

what it is about?



Sometimes you're so powerless that

the only thing you can control...



-...is how little you can live on.




You've reduced the father of modern

literature into an anorexic teen girl.



You just love humiliating me,

don't you?



l won't have one of those...



...''l know, you know and we know and

they don't know'' arguments in class.



We've agreed that it's got

to be secret.



l know how ashamed you are of me.

l'm your dirty little secret.



Secret means clandestine.

Shame means embarrassed.



-You didn't cover that in junior high?

-Stop treating me like a baby.



Why don't you take me seriously?



-l'm risking my job to be with you.

-What are you talking about?!



l'm over    . You're not

selling me alcohol!



-Do you know Professor Brown?







Of course not. He lost his tenure

for having an affair with a student.



The board considers that taking

advantage of impressionable minds.



l could tell them how unimpressionable

and pigheaded--



You are so condescending!



lf l'm not smart enough for you,

then go for a professor!



Your capacity to edit out ideas

you don't like makes...



...TASS look like an Al Goldstein




You think l don't know anything.



l think you know how to walk

in a pair of platform Mary Janes.



l think you know how to style

your hair with an eggbeater.



Save a little time by layering on two

or three weeks' worth of eyeliner.



-l hate you!

-You don't hate me.



-Let me go!

-Say you don't hate me.



-Let me go. Stop it!

-Say you don't hate me!



Hi, Ma.



Hi, Rho!



Hi, Brenda.



Hi, Bren!



Hi there, son-in-law.






We're ordering 'za,

slap me a big head.






l've got the descending dollars meal

plan so l already ate at the union.



l have $     but it has to last

till the end of this....









Could you turn it down a skosh?



A skosh? What the hell is that?



Just a little.



l'm gonna to tell you something,

and this is for your own good, okay?



No one likes you.



They don't?






You didn't notice?



Well, no.



-What did l do? Why doesn't anybody--

-l don't know, l mean...



...you talk weird and

your clothes are lame.



You never come in with a sixer.



You're just this wormy little guy who

sits here and studies. lt's so gay.



But l'm on a regent's scholarship.

lf l do badly, they'll kick me out.



l'm not like you guys.

You can just...



...drink all night and still pass.



-You must be really intelligent.

-No, believe me. We're not.



Look, you just gotta play it smart,




Take a few Mickeys.




-Mickey Mouse. Cake. Easy classes.



l have to take my prerequisites.



Okay. l mean, take whatever

you want, just...



...try not to be so much like...






Well, you know what l mean.



Yeah, l guess so.



Just trying to help.



Hey, Chris.



-What's a sixer?

-lt's a six-pack.



Beer. Thanks.



Hi, Rho! Hi, Bren!



Excuse me.



Come here, please.



-What can l get you?

-Your pantyhose.



How about a screwdriver?

They're good here.



l'll give you $   for them.



You can get three for $    at Wal-Mart.



$  .



Please order a drink. Just get a beer

and l'll think about it.






Oh, hon, do you have anything smaller?

We can't change this yet.






Get the small bills

when they're sober.



When they're drunk, they won't know

what they gave you.



-You mean give him the wrong change?

-lt's a donation to your college fund.



-Yeah, but that's stealing.

-You're funny.



Hey, J.J.



-You are such a shit!

-Annie, get back here!



-You don't care about my feelings!

-Look, l had to tell them.



You did not!



Excuse me, it's Truth or Dare!

That's how you play the game!



What's wrong with you?!

You're totally unstable!



Do you think it make me

want you more?!



Are you out of your goddamn mind,

you raving lunatic?!



Look at her, man, she's a psychopath!






-Sal, it's     :  .

-Wait a second, l'm talking.



lf l miss the     :  

then l can't get home.



Give me the money.



People should show appreciation.

You're a nice guy...



...and nobody appreciates you anymore.



You know, you're $   short.



-What? That's impossible.

-Want to take it up with Victor?



You don't want to call

his attention to that.



There must be some mistake.



All right, he should be here soon.



Thank you.



The   :   for Westchester,

Bronx and Yonkers...



...now leaving on track   .



  :   now leaving track   .



Wait, wait! No!






Ma, listen. l got totally

screwed at study group.



My topic was last, and l had to stay.



l rushed to the station,

but l missed the last train.



-Where are you, Grand Central?




l went with my friend Linda

to the girls' dorm.



Can you stay there?



-l'll just sleep on her couch.




-l'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

-All right. Bye.



She's gonna star   .

lt'll only be a second.



Rubin Hall, ladies' residence.



-ls this a dorm forgirls?

-Yes, this is a dormitory for women.



Canjust anybody get in there?



No, there are security doors

and a night watchman.



-Okay, thank you.

-You're welcome.



-Hey, that was great. Thank you.

-Oh, bless you, honey.



Dude, l got this girl's phone number

last night. Guess what she's got.






No, genius,

she's got a pierced tongue.



That means she's gay, you know.



-What are you talking about?

-lt adds to their sensual pleasure.



-No, it's for my pleasure.

-No, it is not.



Let's ask Dr. Drew.



We got Chris on the phone

from Seattle.



Which sex prefers

a pierced tongue more?



l don't get it.



Come on, guys.

l just washed all these towels.



Oh, speaking of which, Paul,

next time don't use so much starch.



Hey, has anybody seen my toothbrush?



You can't find it?



Shit. You better find that thing.

Those things can cost up to $ .  .



Yeah, and yours had such

a nice handle, man.



You still don't qualify for financial

aid. Try student placement.



Those jobs pay five dollars an hour.

l make three times as much at the bar.



But l can't pay tuition because l live

at home and can't work more hours.



Look, not everybody who's accepted

can actually attend this school.



Why don't you try to get

yourself emancipated?



Okay. Thank you.



-Where are your parents' tax returns?

-l don't have them.



How can you prove they're not

claiming you as an exemption?



Well, they kind of are,

but if l get emancipated...



...and l get financial aid,

then l'm sure they'll stop.



-Right. Who's your attorney?

-Attorney against my parents?



Are you--



Are you saying that it's uncontested?






Then you need W- s, rent stubs, proof

of residence, power and water bills.



l don't have a residence.



You can't get emancipated

to live on the street. Okay?



But l can't apply for work-study

unless l get emancipated.



-Then you'll have to get an apartment.

-But all my money goes to tuition.



Then you'll just have

to make more money.



Noah! Noah! Get up!



Give me a hand! Here, hold it up.

Hold it up!



Shouldn't we call the resident

assistant or housing services?



We're not supposed to have waterbeds.

They'll think we're bad.






Dude, it's only water.

Let it dry, man.




-Noah, we're eating.



-Come on. Breakfast!




Hey. Hey!



-We have to resolve this Paul issue.

-That guy's totally weak.



We gave it our best shot.

l say we get rid of him.



Look at him and look at us. The guy

can't possibly feel like he belongs.



With his own kind, he'd feel more

comfortable, better about himself.



lt'd be best all around.



l try to get along with everybody

but that guy's got no personality.



And he reflects poorly

on us with the ladies.



Do you take student meal vouchers?






Okay, Paul.



Apparently, you've caused problems

for your roommates.



l'd like to resolve this situation.

What are your complaints with Paul?






...it's not that l don't like Paul

as a person. He's a very...



...fun-loving guy.



But we've divided up our chores

for the week...



...and he's always too busy...



...or has some excuse.



And we wind up doing his.



How about you?



Well, he says derogatory things

about other ethnic groups.



And even though l believe in freedom

of speech, it's like...



...you know, the way smoke

is air pollution...



...l feel that racial slurs...



...are a form of hearing pollution.



Look, l don't want to sound girly

about any of this...



...but l think all of us have taken an

exception to Paul's personal hygiene.



How about Paul makes more effort?

We'll meet again after a grace period.



l don't know if l could do that.



l love making racial slurs,

and l hate doing chores...



...and this indoor plumbing is

just way too confusing for me.



Hey, that's who l am, and if they

can't deal with it...



...then l'd rather live alone.






l'll file this with housing and see

if we can't get you moved, but...



...in the meantime,

better start packing.



-You from the veterinary school?




-No? Then why'd they pick you?

-There's a housing shortage and...



...l'm on the list for another dorm

but since l'm not paying...



...l'm sure l'm a low priority.



-That's okay, baby, it's all right.

-l'm really sorry.



Did the mean man hurt you? lt's okay.



Give me kisses. Yes! Don't worry.



lt's all right, baby.



These are the operating rooms.



But don't ever go in there.

They're sterile.



All you have to do is change

their poopie papers...



...give them their medications and

if there's ever an emergency...



...you gotta page the vet.



And this here is your room.

You got your hot plate...



...your bed and the refrigerator.

But that is for employees only.



-You'll get used to the smell.

-l need some help.



Just hold her down.



Oh, ''meow, meow.'' Shut up.



l could use your help on

a tooth-cleaning too.



You do something with her, okay?




Yeah, l know.



l hear you.



Boy, do l hear you.



Dora, Victor wants to see you.



lt's okay.



lt'll be okay.



-l don't think this is working out.

-What? Why not?



See this? Last night, Kitty's station,

$      Angel's, $    ...



-...your station, $   .

-l'm in the back.



There's always less people in back.



You're not getting it. What do you do

if a customer talks to you?



-l listen, act interested.




Say something funny, then walk away.

To talk, they gotta buy drinks.



-Okay, l'll try and do better.

-No, forget it.



l don't know if you're too smart or

stupid, but it ain't happening.



Could've made some real money.

Take this and leave.



Please let me finish tonight.

l really need the tips.



Victor, she's working her way

through college.



Did l ask you?



Come on, take it. For last week.



Take it.



Man, our T.G. party was a total bust.



Every time l hit on a mama, her evil

girlfriends would screw it up.



What we need is a higher female-to-

male ratio, like in cool nightclubs...



...where they let in

five times more women.



How are we gonna get five times

as many women to show up?



We have a party but we call it

a fundraiser.



-So we gotta think of a charity.

-lt's gotta attract hotties.



-What's that place with all the babies?





-No, but wait.



l don't know about babies.

lt'll give them the wrong message.



-How about AlDS?

-Oh, there's a mood-setter.



How about a suicide hotline?



But do they need one?

All they have is phones.



-Are you sure?

-Hey, backpacks!




-lnspections for drugs and alcohol.




-Since when?



-O'Brien on the  th floor is in a coma.




-So the board instigated new policies.

-This is whack.



-Can they do this?

-l'll call my father's lawyer.



Our parents pay a lot of money for us

to enjoy our college experience.



Hey, my metal detector.



l don't know how to make it any easier

for you. lt's character evaluation.



lt's like a VH-  Legend show

except you're discussing fiction...



...instead of a coked-out singer.






How about this? Dismissed.

Ah, yes.



Mr. Alcott,

l don't understand my grade.



That's the letter we use for failure.

See me after class.



-Do you have to ask him something?

-Oh, no, it's okay. Go ahead.



Professor Alcott?







l'm on scholarship and l have

to have a  .  average...



...which l can do with two As and a B+

with my B in physics...



...but l can't get a B- because

one A's left to balance it.



The thing is, my roommates never

let me have any quiet study time...



...and l've had to move--



l have this crazy philosophy

that your grades...



...should represent your grasp

of the material...



...not your negotiating skills,

which are amazing, by the way.



Sir, l would never ask for a grade

that you didn't think was fair.



But since l have    credits

and l only need    ...



...can l take this pass-fail

so l don't get kicked out?



Sir, l promise l wouldn't slack off.

ln fact, l'd work doubly hard.



l'm ecstatic to hear your plans

to work doubly hard...



...because Lit      courses

are never given passlfail.



Why don't you take all that

non-slacking energy, apply it...



...focus it toward your finals.




Yes, sir.



That wasn't very nice.



l'm a mean son of a bitch.

When's your next class?



Not till six.



l'm off at four.



Okay, but can we discuss something

that l want to ask you about...



...in a non-emotional way?



How am l supposed to teach Camus

when you're wearing this sweater?



We have to take it off.



 :   my place?

l could be wrong, but l think so.



l'm sorry you feel that way

about the French but it's...



...a course on European Literature.

Can't ignore the whole country.






-Can l help you?

-Correct me if l'm wrong.



Didn't you kick me out of our room

for wetting your bed?



Noah didn't talk to you about this?



Look, what do you want?



You thought we were kicking you out?



Come on. You're my asshole buddy!



-Look, since O'Brien died--




O'Brien on the  th floor died.



They've instituted a new policy...



...where there's inspections

to make sure no alcohol comes in.



And they're making sure that

there's one guest per person.



Just because he can't monitor

his buzz, we all suffer.



Which is why Adam came up with this

idea that one of us live off campus.



-Noah didn't explain this?

-No, he didn't.



And look, maybe l'm the world's

biggest cynic but...



...l'm finding all of this

very, very hard to believe.



Paul, why would l play you?



Why? Why?



l don't know why.



Why would you reset my alarm

so l'd be late?



Why would you hide my clothes

and fill the drawers--



With Styrofoam!



Why did you glue together

every page of my psych book?



You know how long that took?



l thought you'd laugh.

lt's just stuff we do to each other.



Look, Paul.



All l wanted is for you to feel

like part of the group, man.



l mean, seriously.



Remember those talks about

how nobody



liked you and what you could do?



l was trying to help you

get in with us.



l was tired of seeing you sitting

around by yourself. Come on.



So look, can we have a trial run

get-together tonight?



Paul, l guarantee you will tap

some fine hide.



l have Everclear tickets for tonight

and l was gonna ask a girl so....









This is Annie's.



Oh, no, no, no.



l don't know where that came from.

l have no idea where that--







-Are you hitting my bitch?




No! l'm not hitting your bitch.



l've never hit your bitch nor

would l ever hit your bitch.



l'm just playing with you.



-Because you know, right? l mean--

-l know. l know.



l knew it was there. l put it there.



Look, l gotta go. Okay? Dust.












Every part of me is satisfied.



Even my teeth are relaxed.



Oh, shit.



l'm late. l got a  :   workshop.

What time is it?



-You said we'd discuss something.

-Yeah, l'm listening.



l got fired and l'm not gonna have

enough for next semester's tuition.



God. What are we gonna do?



lf l work the graveyard shift, l can

earn money instead of commuting.



-Maybe just crash here--

-Hold on.



Not even in the bed.

l could sleep on the couch.



No, l don't want to go there.




-That domestic place.



l don't want your grunge gothic-wear

lying around in my closet...



...or those blackhead strips in the

bathroom, posters up of Axl Rose.



Whatever adolescent icon. These

things sour when people get too close.



You get tired of each other.



l don't want that to happen to us.

You know why? l love you too much.



You love me so much you'd have me

sleep on the street.



l love-- Where are my notes?



My sweet, sexy, smart girl

that l have fun with.



lf l wanted teen angst, l'd watch

reruns of My So-Called Life.



You know, l'd do anything

to make you happy.



l type your papers,

l grade your tests.



l've told you not to do that

unless you want to.



Just because l'm giving doesn't mean

l can expect a man...



-...to lift a finger for me.

-lf she were alive, Dora...



...Betty Friedan would applaud

your little epiphany.



Well, if Kafka were alive,

he'd say:



''Stop misinterpreting my novels,

you pretentious bonehead!''



Hey again.






l eat here every night.

l've never seen you come in.



You eat in the student center

every night?



There's like    restaurants

on every block.



Yeah, l don't know New York that well.



You should do some exploring.

lt's the best city in the universe.



-See you.

-Where are you going?



Job interview.



l'll walk you.






l don't see why Alcott wouldn't

let you pass-fail.



Well, rules are rules, right?

What can he do?



Say, do you know this group Everclear?



-Are you kidding? They're my favorite.

-They are?



l love self-loathing complaint-rock

you can dance to.



Do you want to see them tonight?

l've got two tickets.



Shut up!



But you know, l got these

three interviews.



But there's an opening act, right?



Yeah. There's an opening act.



Can l meet you there at  :  ?



 :  .  :   would be great.

But here. You know what?



Why don't you take one and

if your interviews go long--



l could just meet you inside.






Now, don't go scalping that.






Why did you ask me?

You hardly know me.



Well, sure l do.



l know you're smart.



You care when people

bang up their knees.



Don't waste money when

you can get free honey.



You're cute.



You take a train from somewhere.

The number six. l know that.



All right.



All right, l'll meet you there.







l'm Dora.



-l'll see you, Paul.

-Yeah, l'll see you, Dora.






When did O'Brien die?



-After you left.

-Before the crackdown.



First they changed the dorm code.



Then we got our idea which

we thought Noah told you.



My bad.



l feel awful l never got

to know him better.



Yeah, that would've saved him.



l mean...



...l'll never forget

how weird it felt...



...when l looked out the window

and l see this body go by.



-l thought he was in a coma.

-Yeah. He fell into a coma.



Come check out my lighting design.

Look at this.



You ready?



Oh, yeah. Lighting changes

the party decor entirely.



Pretty extravagant.



Women expect you to set the mood.

We're not in high school anymore.



What about in here?



No, no, no. That's the operating

room. Not in there.



Hey, l'm gonna go grab a slice.

Want to come?



-Yeah. Sure.

-Let's go, buddy.



-Look what l found.

-Oh, man.



Come on.



That's for the animals. You don't

need flea medication, do you?



l don't know. He has slept

with a lot of dogs.



Come on. Come on, come on.



-What's this?

-Application for the night shift job.



-Where you get this?

-From the guy who was here.



Night shift is dangerous.

We can't have girls.



This is the third time that's happened!

Why don't you say so in your ad?



-He should not have given you.

-l don't know if that's even legal.



Actually, it's not. lt's in violation

of sexual discrimination laws.



Call next week.



Yeah, right.






Oh. Thanks for trying to help out.



Yeah, well, it's disgusting

the way women get treated.



l just wish they didn't waste my time.



Do you have plans tonight? There's a

fundraiser, it's blowing off the hook.



l have a date but not for    minutes.



Come drop by. lt's for a good cause.

Homeless animal shelter.



l don't have any funds to donate.



lt's okay. Just come in out

of the cold until your date.



Okay. But only if l can help

you carry that.



What's up, man?! How's it going?



Hey, how are you?



You look amazing. l like this very

much. That's very nice. Come in.



So, how you been?



What a turnout, huh?



l don't know how l'm gonna

find my date.



-Excuse me.




-l'll take a T-shirt.

-All right.



You know what? l'll take two.



lt's just juice. Drink it up.

You look a little dehydrated.



lt's good. lt's got juices

and cranberry....



Do you know cranberry juice is good

for your urinary tract?



-What time is it?

-lt's early.



So, which do you like better:



Yellow or checks?






Because l want to know which kind of

cab to call when we're done.



Dude, come here. Come here.



You gotta help me. Lisa is all primed

but her helpful friend, fat Rita...



...will take her home unless

she gets some action too.



First, l'm way too wasted to be

operating heavy machinery.



Second, l got this spinner

all G-ed out. She's liquid.



Leave her on the back burner.

Take one for the team.



-You owe me one.




-Count on it.

-All right.



-Where's the bathroom?

-Next patient, please.



-What is it? Your head?

-No, my stomach.



-This'll settle it.

-What is it?



lt's for your tummy.

Here. Drink it real fast.



That'll help your stomach.



Where's the bathroom?



Yo, where you been all night?

Did you go to the bathroom?



Give me your number before you go.



Excuse me! Excuse me!

This seat's taken!




-This seat's taken!



-This seat's taken!

-What?! What?!



l know. We'll move when they come.



Real nice.



Taxi, come here.



How'd you get out of your cage?



Okay, all right, Roxi, come on.

Come on, Roxi.



Come on. Okay.






Come on, party's over. Let's go.






Perfect. Hey, Dora, come on.

Wake up.



Wake up.



We can't sleep together on the first

date. Especially one you ditched.



Come on.






Come on, Dora, wake up. Please?



Wake up!



All right, all right, l got you.



l got you. Come on. Let's go.



l'm sorry, that's all l got.



-What's her name?

-Dora Diamond.



-How long has she been unconscious?

-l don't know.



-What drugs did she take?

-l only found beer cans.



-Are you a relative?




-l found her like that from a party.

-Nice party.



--put my glasses on because

it looks like hairgrowing.



And all Ron does is spray this.



-Going bald sucks.

-They say it comes from your mother.



-My mother's got hair, you know.

-Of course she does.



ls she okay?



She's stable. We pumped her stomach

just to be sure.



lf she took Rohypnol, she'll be out

for another eight hours.



The problem is, on her emergency

card she has Professor Alcott...



...as her next of kin.



You wouldn't happen to know

her parents, or if she's insured...?



No, no, l don't know.



Did you call Professor Alcott?



He doesn't know her.

We can't keep her.



l can take her. l'm her boyfriend.



l thought you just found her.



Yeah, l did. And, boy, was l angry.






Just fill this prescription.



Am l a man of my word or what?



-What the heck went on here?

-l came by to help you clean up.



l suppose you don't have

any idea about Dora.



No, who is that?



The girl who almost OD'd

in the bathroom.



She almost OD'd?



l found her and took her

to the hospital.



Shut up! All right, where is she?



Man, what kind of drugs

were you giving out here?



Drugs? Man, all we had was beer.



You can't pass out from beer.



You can, if you take something

before you drink it.



Oh, her?



What do you mean, ''Oh, her?''



Adam met her at a liquor store.

When l saw her, she was all over Noah.



God knows what she took

before she got here.



lt's impossible.



Why? You know these bridge

and tunnel girls.



They sleep around to avoid

the commute.



Well, we were going to the concert.



She never showed up.



Come here.



l'll help you out with this, okay?



Look, all right.



We'll do this again next Friday.



l'll hook you up with a nice girl,

the kind of girl you deserve.



What'll we do with her?



She just has to sleep it off,

rest a couple of days.



-What about her parents?

-l don't know.



She put Professor Alcott as

her in-case-of-emergency person.



What's that all about?



l don't know.



l'm gonna get out of here.



-Call me if you need anything.

-Yeah, sure.



You can't sleep while you tan.

Look at you. You're all burnt.



The tan is underneath. l have layers.



What's this genius plan

you've devised?



Okay, listen to this.



We figure out our worst class

and we drop it.



Then we transfer into European Lit,

but it has to be Prof. Alcott's class.



We dump a D and transplant it

with an A.



And why is Alcott suddenly

giving us all A's?



l'll make him an offer

he can't refuse.



All right, all right.

Quiet, you guys.






Good morning.



-How long have l been asleep?

-Since Friday night.



Oh, my God!



l've been in your bed and everything.



lt's no problem.

Can l ask you something?



Yeah, sure.



-Are you on any special medication?




Did you have a lot to drink?






l was at a convenience store applying

for the night shift job.



This guy told me about this

fundraiser he was having.



And he brought me back here.

And l drank some juice.



l don't really remember much

after that.



l think somebody slipped me a roofie.






l have got to stop trusting people.



You want some lunch? Yeah, you do.



You haven't eaten in days.

l'm starving and l ate this morning.



When you took me to the hospital,

did they call anybody to come get me?



No, no.



They said you could to go home,

rest a couple of days...



...and drink plenty of liquids.

And you need to take these.






So l can start a fire in your heart.



All right, that'll be ready

in just a minute.



You just lie back and veg,

as you young people say.



And l'll read The Plague so

we don't fall behind in Lit class.



You know, l don't know about you...



...but l really need a B+

in Alcott's class.



Alcott hates neediness.



You know how old he is?



He's only    and he's been

a full professor for ten years.



The youngest in the history

of the university.



-ls that gonna be on the final?

-Look, l'm sorry.



l should have told you

that he was my boyfriend.



We've been together all semester.



l wish they would've called him

instead of causing you trouble.



Oh, no, hey, it's....



lt's no trouble.

l enjoy having you here.



Yeah, but l've been asleep.



Yeah, well.



l guess it's a good thing

l'm easily amused, right?



Why are you so nice?



Hey, buddy.



Yo,  :   later.



Yo, gonna see you Friday, right?

All right.



Professor Alcott, l need

to talk to you about Dora.



l'll cut you the same deal

as l cut the others.



Sir, the thing is, she's at my place

and she had her stomach pumped...



...because she was given some drugs

and she's been sick.



She lists you as her

in-case-of-emergency person--









Miss Diamond has kind of like

this schoolgirl crush on me.



You know how they can build these

entire relationships up in their head.



-lt's great of you to be concerned.

-You don't understand.



No, l understand.



l understand, l get it, it's fine.

We'll work it out. Okay?






Good girl.






Thanks, Dora. l can finish up.



Good girl.



Come here.

l gotta show you something.



What do you think?



l like it. Kind of....



Kind of institutional,

yet post-Victorian.



Very nice.



Wait, look.



She's pregnant.

We have to let her out.



-She doesn't want to have them here.

-She might run away, though.



But look at her, she's really unhappy.

She's got to find a safe spot.



Okay. Sure.



Come here, sweetie. There you go.



l found these on your desk.



Oh, my God!



lt's almost not like him.



l know he loves me, but he's never

committed to paper before.



How can l ever thank you?



For what?



For saving my life,

for taking care of me.



You've been amazing.



-Wait. Where are you going?

-l'm going home.



l've gotta start looking for a job.



l'm sure you want a good night's

sleep in your bed.



No. l mean, if you stay tonight...



...you can get an early

start tomorrow.



But l don't have any clean clothes.



Actually, l was just about

to do a wash.



We can both wear my extra-

fashionable laundry clothes.



-What is this?

-Mid-'  s hip-hop for the heartland.



My mom tried to help me be cool,

so she went to Sears...



...where they take the guesswork

out of exposing underpants.



lf this is all you have,

then l think we better do a wash.



l'll change in there.



Oh, l'm sorry. l was looking for

another bag to put the laundry in.



-Sure, l'll get you--




l'll get you a bag.



Well, you didn't get it from me.

Come on!



ls it burning and itching?



Well, is there some--

ls there a discharge?



lsn't it gross what people

talk about on cell phones?



You'd think they'd be embarrassed to

have private conversations in public.



-l hate people with cell phones.

-All of them?



l hate everyone who can

get the new Garbage CD.



l hate them because they can eat

whatever they want to eat.



l hate anyone who has time to study.



-You hate a lot of people.

-l'm a rotten, nasty little person.



-No, you're not.

-Yes, l am.



Being poor isn't ennobling.

lt makes you mean.



Oh, yeah, l get it. That's why

all the really nice people are rich.



So who do you hate?



No one.







-l wish l could be more like you.



So how come you always wear that hat?



Because like   % of your body

heat escapes through your head.



But you're not particularly

attached to it, are you?



No. Not really. Why?



-Come on.




-These belong to someone.

-You need them more.



Howdy, Miss Dora.



Wait, here. Try this.



Oh, yeah.



Yeah. That's the one.









Should l leave this one here?



No, leave it in the park

for a homeless person.



-After you.

-Well, thank you.



Honey, l'm home.



-Who are you talking to?

-The dogs.



-What about the kitties?

-Kitties, l'm home.



lt's moving. lt's alive.



Come on, we have to hurry.



Here, put it on the heating pad.



And get some gloves, okay?



l can't let it pick up our scent,

otherwise the mother will reject it.



So we have to carefully...



...cut it out of its membrane.

What l need you to do....



Okay. Ready.



-Okay, hold--

-God, be careful!



-Don't poke it.

-Don't worry. Don't worry.



Hold that for me right like that,

okay? You got it?



-l'll cut the membrane.

-Be careful.



We'll get this little guy out, okay?



Watch the head.



Watching it.



Oh, be careful.



-Pull it back.

-All right, l'm almost there.



-You got it?




All right, l'm just going to cut

right underneath there.



And, okay.



Here we go.



-Here he comes.

-Look at the head. lt's so cute!



-ls it alive?

-Yeah, it's alive.



Let's go.



Let's see.



Here. Come on.



Come on.



Oh, now what?



We'll just keep it warm and

try again in a few minutes.



l always wanted a kitty,

but my mom was allergic.



l wasn't allowed to have pets,

but my girlfriend...



-...had a Siamese.

-You have a girlfriend?




We dated in high school.



-Do you still see her?




She lost some weight so

she's dating a lot more now.



You know how it goes.



lt must sound lame to someone

in a love affair.



-Relationship. Whatever it is.

-l don't even know what it is.



He thinks l'm too young

or something...



...so he doesn't want

to have a relationship.



But then he says things like...



...how he feels we're

the same person inside...



...and if he was female, he'd be me.



He said he didn't want to be

in a relationship.



Yeah, and that he'd always love me.



And he said he didn't want

to be in a relationship.



Yeah. So?



Well, sometimes when someone's

telling you something...



...they're trying

to tell you something.



Right. Like men know what's good

for them. Should we try again?



Yeah. Let's see.



She's licking it!



Told you.



What do we do now?



Go to sleep. l'll stay here to

make sure she doesn't toss him out.






Do you really need models of

all sizes? l'm only  '  .''



-That's not a problem.

-l don't have a portfolio.



We'll take your pictures

free of charge.



What? l don't get paid

for the pictures?



This is an agency. We send pictures

out and hopefully somebody will bite.



You can take your clothes off

in there.



What makes you so interested

in lithography?



l've always loved posters

and calenders and stuff.



Especially how the colors get put

on separately, then come together.



Are you in the union?



lt didn't say anything about

the union in the want ad.



This is a union shop.



-l'm calling for the gal Friday job.

-Thejob's taken.



l'm calling about the ad

for healthy girls...



...with good SAT scores.



ls this for some sort of drug trial?



And what is the foremost

principle of banking?



Remembering your secret pin number.



Forgive me if l reserve my chuckles

for when l grade your final.



-Guess what?




l'm not gonna have to leave school.

l got the best job.



-Doing what?

-Harvesting eggs.



-ln New York?




You're gonna be a farmer?






l grow baby eggs.

They operate and take them out...



...and give them to infertile couples.

l get a shot every day.



l'll have money for tuition

and time to study...



...and l'll get my mom a dishwasher.



-What kind of shots?

-l don't know.



Like hormones and girly stuff.



-Let's celebrate, okay?

-l only have $  .



lt's on me. Come on.



Wait, l'm a student member.



l can come any time.

lt's always warm.



There's artsy films and

the paintings rock.



You know what'd be fun?

To pretend we're really rich...



...and we can have one painting

from each room.



-That one.

-Aw, puppies!



They're cute.



This one.






-This one.

-That? That's chick art.



Then l suppose you like this one.



As a matter of fact, yes.



What guy wouldn't like a plate

of breasts?






Are you hungry?



l could eat.



-No. Wait, isn't that steal--

-Come on.



lsn't this totally pleasant?



This has been the best celebration.

Thank you for including me.



Ever been to a Broadway play?



No, but like l said, l only have $  .



Don't worry about it.






Here you go.



You missed? Here, let's try again.

Here you go.



You get it? You missed?



-Don't they check the tickets?




Just pretend like we were out here

for a smoke. Come on.



How much money do you have left?



$  . l can't believe

we didn't spend one cent.



-Do you know why?




The moon belongs to everyone



The best things in life are free



-Don't you get whimsical on me.




What happened to the girl

who hates everyone?



l don't know. l have fun with you.



-What's that all about?

-l don't know.



Look at how good he looks.



l know. He's so happy.



He's just resting with his brothers

and sisters.



You know, we ought to start thinking

about preschool.



What time is it?

l want to take the     :  .



Why don't you stay another night?



You know, l'll just get a video

and a pizza.



Better than waiting

on the train platform.



-We'll just chill in.

-You mean chill out?



Either one. Your choice.



Yeah, okay.



You call your mom, l'll go get

the video and the pizza.



Don't you go anywhere.



Thank you.



Excuse me.






Excuse me.



What's up?









...of these two...



...which would be good for me and...



...you know, if l was watching alone

with a girl?



Yeah. There you go.



When Harry Met Sally.



Can you maintain a rod and watch

Billy Crystal at the same time?



No, don't feel bad. No one can.



The Piano.



l don't know.

Full-frontal on Harvey Keitel.



-Not good?

-No, that dude's   % wiener.






That'll hurt you.



Here's your winner:



Simon Birch.



About a little goofy kid with

problems. You'll look like a stud.



And this is, this is sexy?



Good for the girl?



Yeah, works for me.



Thank you.



Honey, l'm home.



lt's so much better saying

that to an actual person.



Do you think people said it before TV?



Hello, Paul.



Hello, Professor Alcott.



lt's been the best day of my life!

Edward asked me to stay over.



lt's going to be amazing.

lsn't it great?



He must really respect you.



Did he know you were in the hospital?



l guess. He did get me the flowers.



lt's a relief, because

the pressure's off.



With me taking fertility drugs,

it gives me financial freedom...



...so l won't be annoyingly needy.



l may actually turn out to be

one of those lucky people.



What lucky people?



You know couples that

stay together because...



...they feel they can't do better?



Or people who are sad

and miserable and live alone?



Then there's this microscopically

teeny group of lucky people...



...who get to be with the person

they're madly in love with.



You ever consider being in love

and leaving out the ''madly'' part?



Well, what's the fun in that?



Dora, come on!



Take care of the baby.



How about some change, man?



No, l mean that in a good way.



And don't forget my Somalian beans.



They don't have Somalian.



-Can't l just get ltalian?

-All right.



You sat so far away yesterday.



l thought you hate cell phones.



lt's digital. Edward got it for me.



l miss you guys.



You know, Taxi and Roxi

and Penny and the baby.



ls he eating solids yet?



Kitten Chow.



l printed this up for you.

lt's about those fertility drugs.



Hormones that make you produce eggs

also make cancer cells grow faster.



You should take a look at it.



You looked this up for me?



No, l came across it when l was doing

some research, so l thought....



Do you like Monty Python?



The film school is having a series--




-l think l want dessert with that.



Like a biscotti.



With nuts?



Yeah, it'll be great.



-l'll be right back.







So anyway, l was thinking of going,

and if you're free--



l really don't have any time.



lf l let my grades fall,

l'm out of here.



l didn't get much work done

last week, so....



l'm sorry.



No, it's not your fault.



l'm under a lot of pressure, you know?



Yeah. Right.



Well, if you change your mind....



Yeah, okay.









lsn't it totally great

how comfortable this is?



l have this feeling of bliss.

Do you feel it too?



What made you change your mind

about me being here?



Dora, can we turn down

the intensity just a notch?



l was thinking how beautiful

you looked while you were quiet.






What did you want to say?



l wondered what made you change

your mind about me being here.



l figured as long as l suffered

the consequences...



...l may as well have

you here, mending.



Suffer what consequences?



As you know, l'm listed as your

next of kin on your medical records.



-l wanted to talk to you about--

-l don't want to discuss it.



Your fraternity buddies want to spread

word of a student-professor affair...



...complete with roofies

and stomach pumps. Tea, please.



Yeah. Yeah, sure.



-But l was drugged.

-Oh, it's fine.



They've agreed to silence

in exchange for A's in Lit.



Plunge the tea bag six times, remove

it and squeeze in a half a lemon.



Two and a half teaspoons of sugar.



Paul had nothing to do with it, right?



Paul, Adam, Chris, Noah, they're

all my little honor students.



They can't get through one Rolling

Stone between the four of them.






Not in a mug. lt needs to be

in a cup with a saucer.






So they all came to you together

and blackmailed you?



l'm reading now.



-Dora, Dora, hold up.

-Wait, wait.



-You've been an inspiration to us.




We got this scheme.

We want you in on it.



-lt was Chris' idea.

-lt would help us to get a girl.



What are you talking about?



This spring, when we plan

our programs, we want to target...



...professors that are single, lonely.



For us, women, for you, men.

You know the drill after that.



Once they're interested, hint that

you're legally underage. lt's genius!



Meanwhile, we all get fake lDs, except

instead of being    , we're only    .



-You see where we're going?

-lmagine how high your GPA will be.



You just coordinate

your schedule with us.



You guys are amazing.



-Thank you.

-Thank you. Yes.



-All right.

-She's in.






There you go again with those books,

man. What is that?






Good one, man.

Oh, don't forget about Friday.



What, you didn't raise enough money

at your last fundraiser?



We barely made enough

to cover the beer.



But l got it in check.

l scored some rope.



Normally, chicks can drink  -  cans,

and they don't feel it.



But these bad boys,

one, and you're done.






Thanks, dude.



So, Friday.



Can l help you?



l'm looking for white pills that

come in a pop-out package.



We have this aspirin

that's in a bubble pack.



These have writing on them, though.

l'm looking for pills without it.



There's this.



What do they do?



Pretty much nothing.



Any harmful side effects?



Might make you a bit smarter.



Oh, my God.

Are you guys taking Psych?



-Did you ever look in the book?




Look at this retard.



-What's cracking?

-l left some books in the closet.



-You mind if l get them?

-Of course not. Want a beer?



Ever heard of autism?



Are we still on for

the shelter on Friday?



They might be painting the place

on Friday. l'll have to find out.



See what you can do, otherwise

we're up shit creek.






Help us out, Paul.

lt costs a lot to rent a bar.



-Thanks, guys.

-Thanks, buddy.



Don't be a stranger, buddy, okay?



Put your pants on!



Cover that up.






Ladies, no need to argue,

there's plenty for everyone.



Just line up in an orderly fashion.



-That looks like a penis, but smaller.

-Don't knock it till you tried it.



You got two minutes to cover it

or lose it.



-This sucks.

-l would've said it blows.



l slipped them some rope an hour ago.



l gave one to Shelly and look at that.



Maybe girls are developing an

immunity, the way pesticides...



...don't work on bugs anymore.



-Look how amped these chicks are.

-Oh, great.



lf this doesn't work, we'll

have to rely on our charm.



-That stuff you got was useless.

-Well, you still owe me      bucks.



The stuff l had

had writing on the package.



What are you talking about?



This isn't them.



-Someone snagged our rope?

-Who knows where l keep my stash?









Do you see what's wrong with this?



When the Greeks used a column,

form follows function...



...and it's beautiful

in its simplicity.



But this Roman column

is built into the wall.



l assume from your mocking tone

you have an opposing viewpoint?



No, but don't you ever like

looking around...



...just because it's all so pretty?






-Not everything needs a lecture.

-Christmas decorations are ''pretty.''



The cast of Friends is pretty.



This is a world-class museum.

You only get what you put into it.






Paul Tannek to see Professor Alcott.



He's in a meeting. Have a seat.



Great, thank you.







-Should we go inside?

-What can l do for you?



Dora left these, and l'm not sure

if she's supposed to take any more.



Goodbye, Professor Alcott.



Thanks for helping, Kristen.



Let's talk in here.



So how is Miss Diamond?



You know Dora.

A little goes a long way.



She's a sweet kid, though.

Keeps the place immaculate.



You're lucky. She cares

about you a great deal.



That's for you.



-What is this?

-Final exam.



-The final's a take-home test?

-For you it is.



That's the deal

l worked out with Chris.



l gotta have something

to substantiate an A.



-What's the matter?

-Well, l wasn't aware of a deal.



Then l guess it's a good thing

you dropped by.



Sir, if it's all the same,

l'd rather not.



Are you planning on saying

anything to the dean?






-You gonna tell Dora about Kristen?

-No, l'm not.



l don't understand.



l just don't like the idea

of being bought.



-You could lose your scholarship.

-l guess l could.



ls this like a moral stand?

ls that what you're doing?



l got to tell you, l don't

think that's very smart.



You know what?



l really don't give a fuck

what you think!



What are you doing?



You stole over $    of our medication!



The illegal drugs you disperse

at parties?



Are you gonna turn

into a narc on us?



No, l want to be like the cool guys.



The guys who never go to class.



The guys who hit on girls

who are unconscious.



All the girls want you

when they're straight.



Oh, wait, you're with that Dora girl.



What is that supposed to mean?



There's no velvet rope at Club Dora.

Any asshole can get in.



You okay?



Good Lord, l am so sorry. Come on.



-Are you okay?

-l'm all right.



Let's get that looked at. Come on.



Oh, great news.






lt vexes you that we never

do anything together...



...so l'm taking you to my parents'.



-You told your parents about me?




l told them my girlfriend's

out of town...



..and l'm taking

my teaching assistant.



But it'll be great.




-Hey, Dad.



Hey there, college boy! What's the

matter? You sound a little blue.



How's New York?



lt seems like this whole city

is one big orgy.



And if you actually care

about anyone, you're a chump.



l'm gonna go, but which cleaners?



-lt's the one on  th Str--




Hello, can you hear me?



Sounds like things are a little rocky

with you and Dora.



lt's not like that, Dad. l don't even

think she knew l liked her that way.



lt was just so much fun

having her around.



l don't know.



Maybe l should come home.



l don't think l belong here.



At your age, you'll get your heart

broken no matter what city you're in.



Yeah, yeah. l guess.



l just miss her.



God, it's all so expensive.



''What we obtain too cheap

we esteem too lightly.''



Thomas Paine.



Why don't l make something to wear?






Maybe. Help, please.



lf they think l'm your TA,

why don't l go as myself?



Dora, it's my parents.

l can't even go as myself.



That looks fabulous on.



l'll start a room for you.



l feel funny about you

buying me an outfit.



Consider it a loan until

you're a wealthy woman.



-The clothes, the haircut.




l made an appointment at Bliss.

Just do a little...



...shaping thing.






Oh, and thanks for the flowers.



What flowers?



The yellow flowers.

When l got my stomach--



Don't mention it.



-Those just came in.

-Thank you. Great.



-Let's get started.




Beautiful there, huh?



Dora! We're going to a dinner,

not a fox hunt.



Maybe l just shouldn't go with you.



l'll take you to Calvin Klein.

Maybe they're more borough-friendly.



-l had a real scare today.

-What happened?



Dean Hackelman said

he wanted to talk to me.



l was afraid Paul had informed on us.



Why Paul?



My so-called ''special'' students

got to take the final home.



Carte blanche to get an A, and

he wanted nothing to do with it.



l thought he was also

blackmailing you.



That's just it. Apparently he wasn't

in on it. lt was just the other guys.



He even gave me a discourse

on how he can't be bought.



-So what grade did you give him?




-Why didn't you give him a B-plus?

-lt was a B paper.



Yeah, but his scholarship.



He wanted that whole

''fairness'' thing, not me.



When we get to my parents',

none of this stuff--






Come on in.



l just came by to warn you that

Alcott was giving you a B.



Yeah, yeah.



l knew that was gonna happen,

so l dropped his class.



l can take an extra credit

and keep my average up.






You cut your hair.



Yeah, l did. Gotta keep up

with the times, right?



l was kind of going for that...



...George Clooney, my-face-is-too-

cute-to-hide-behind-my-hair look.



lt looks good.



What's with the pizza?



l realized that we never watched

that video you rented.



So l got another one, and a pizza

just in case you were hungry.



Look, Dora.



l can't just go around watching movies

and eating pizza with you.



Not that l don't want to,

it's just that there's....



You know, there's other stuff.



l know you're thinking,

''But what about our stuff?''



And you're right. l miss it a lot.



But l know Alcott is your boyfriend,

and to tell you the truth...



...l really don't like him.



Not that that has anything to do

with how l feel about you...



...except that it....



lt has a lot to do with

how l feel about you.



So that's why l can't have any pizza.



l should try that again.



Paul, he's not my boyfriend anymore.



l thought you wanted to be one

of those lucky people.



l do! Don't you?



Look, Dora....



You can't waltz in here

with your videos...



...and looking all cute....



-Unless, unless--

-Unless what?



Unless you mean it.



What was that?



A kiss.



You call that a kiss?



A botched hairplug operation

caused Chris to lose his ''good looks.''



He hoped women would see

his other good qualities...



Except he has none.



Adam was recruited

by a large corporation...



...and set up to take a fall

for their shady practices...



He now has an active

social life... in jail.



Noah used himself as a guinea pig while

trying to create a stronger party drug.



He's currently relearning

to tie his shoes.



Professor Alcott is serving

  to   years...



...for having an affair

with a seventeen year-old.



Dora used the animal hospital as

her residence and got financial aid.



She didn't have to sell her eggs.



Paul has first dibs on them.

Special help by SergeiK