Lover Come Back Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Lover Come Back script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Doris Day and Rock Hudson.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Lover Come Back. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Lover Come Back Script



This is Madison Avenue,

center of the advertising world.



In these steel and concrete

beehives are born the ideas



that decide what we will

eat, drink, drive and smoke,



and how we will dress, sleep,

shave and smell.



In all beehives,

there are workers and drones.



This is a worker.



Thank you.



And this is a drone.



Jerry, Honey...



You're at work.



Good night, darling.

- Good night.






What kind of good-night kiss is that?

We're not married.




what a way to go to work!



That's a woman!



Make you homesick, Fred?



Yeah. Makes me sick

we're going home next week.




McGalpin & Gaines, advertising.



I'll give him the message.



Dorothy, Mr. Bracket in yet?

- No.



Tell merchandising, copy and art

there's a meeting. Right away!



Miss Templeton wants merchandising,

copy and art in her office.



On the double!

Looks like a rough day.



Good morning, Mr. Webster.



Good morning.



Would you send a tomato juice,

black coffee and a masseur?



Yes, sir.



Mr. Webster wants tomato juice,

black coffee and a masseur.



Looks like a rough night.



Miller's Wax is changing agencies.

We can get the account.



Miller's coming tonight.

Find out where he's staying.



I want an appointment in the morning.

- You can't work out a plan by then.



We can and we will.



Here's some thoughts I had.

Tighten them up.



Tell research I want a complete

rundown on J. Paxton Miller.



His packaging, distribution, sales,

and strong and weak market areas.



Kelly, what's new

in our gray flannel jungle?



The natives are restless.

Miller is to pick up a new agency.



The account's up for grabs.



Let's grab. Where's he from?



Richmond, Virginia.



Get me a book on the civil war

and a complete rundown on Miller.



Family? Will his wife be with him?



What liquor does he drink?

What kind of girls does he like?



That's a very good idea.

- Thank you.



Develop it further, Leonard.

- And here...



This isn't bad either.

But what color's that floor?






Lilac? Who has

a lilac floor in their kitchen?



I have.



Well, everyone

isn't as artistic as you are.



We have to sell this wax

to average, ordinary people.






Carol, I've photographed

this can of wax from every angle.



With every kind of lighting.

I just can't make it look good.



You may have hit

on the key to the whole thing.



This can - it's unattractive.

- So?



So, Leonard designs a new one.



When? It's ten thirty!



We'll be here half the night!



Believe me,

the agency that lands this account



is the one

that shows the most attractive can.



Most attractive!



More bourbon, Mr. Miller?

- Just a touch.



Yes, sir. She's most attractive.



You know, I'd like to meet her.

- You're going to.



We're having a party

with those rabbits, I mean, girls.



I'll drink to that!



More bourbon?

- Just a touch.



Rebel Davis...



She's distantly related to Jefferson

Davis, our great leader.



Did you say "our" leader?



I was raised here in the North,



but my heart remains

loyal to my birthplace, Virginia.



You're a Virginia boy?

- Richmond!



That's where I'm from!



You are kidding.

- Born and raised.



Well! To Richmond!

- Of course!



So you one

of them Virginia Websters!



My great-grandfather

fought with the Virginia volunteers.



So did my granddaddy.



He fell during Picket's Charge.

- Mine too!



He was following that great

Captain Elijah E. Miller.



That was my granddaddy!



Mr. Miller,

this is a hallowed moment.



More bourbon?

- Just a touch.



Son, you hear that?

They're playin' our song!



On your feet, Yankees!



That's what I call a party!



Gee, I'm sorry I missed it.



What happened to the house detective?



I don't know if he jumped,

or somebody pushed him.



Penthouse, please.



You're a little late for the party.



Was the party at Mr. Miller's?

- Not a party...



The party!



How about stopping off at my pad?



What for?

- Look what I'm takin' home.



You think that's somethin'?






Excuse me.



I'm looking for Mr. Miller.



You'll never find me.



Mr. Miller?



Sir, I'm Carol Templeton,

with Bracket, McGalpin & Gaines.



Have a sit down.



I have an appointment

to talk about handling your account.



I've signed

with Jerry Webster.






Of Ramsey & Son?

- Of the   th Virginia Volunteers.



But I worked up

a complete presentation,



a whole campaign.



Even a new container.

Here, let me show you.



I can't. I'm flying back to Richmond.

- When?



Now, honey. Now.



We just passing over Pittsburgh.



Mr. Miller,

please open your eyes.



Why? I've seen everything.



Just a touch.



Mr. Bracket, this man Webster

is a disgrace to the business.



He should be barred.



I'd like nothing better.

It's not the first one he's taken.



Then go to the advertising council.



Charge him with unethical conduct!



Who do you think will testify?

Miller? The girls?



There's no law against entertaining.



There must be a law against

that kind of entertaining.



It was a Roman orgy!



I saw this girl carried out



in a bass fiddle case. You can

imagine what else went on.






Mr. Bracket! Surely you don't

condone Webster's methods!



Course not.

No ethical agency does.



Then how does he get away with it?

Ramsey & Son has a fine reputation.



The old man ruled with an iron hand.

His son doesn't know what's going on.



Then it's time

somebody told him!



Miss Templeton,

you've only been with us a while.



We've learned to live with Webster.

He's like the common cold:



You know you'll

get it once or twice a year.



There are two ways

to handle a cold:



You can fight it,

or give in and go to bed with it.



I intend to fight it!



Wait here.



That's a cab zone, buddy.



I am not your buddy.



I happen to be Peter Ramsey.



I don't care if you're Peter Rabbit.

Beat it!



How would you like a fat lip?



Fine, fine.




Give him a fat lip.



Okay, so park there.



Hope Mr. Webster

won't get angry.



I assume full responsibility.

I am his employer.



All right, Mr. Webster. Hear this!



It's been brought to my attention that

you're guilty of unbecoming conduct.



You have embarked on this course

without my knowledge or consent.



My father, the commodore,

would not brook insubordination.



By thunder,

neither will I!



I demand a full and complete

explanation, or heads will roll!



Speak up man, I'm waiting.



Do you realize what you broke?

That was to build my confidence.



I ought to break your neck,

barging in on me. - Take it easy!



I've had a rough morning. Took a

tongue-lashing from Carol Templeton.



Who's that?



New executive

at Bracket, McGalpin and Gaines.



She accused you

of pirating the Miller Wax account



by getting him tipsy and a girl.



That's not true. I got him loaded,

and there were seven girls.



Just a moment...



I'm head of the company!



You're accountable to me.



I leave the bridge,

and you steer the ship on the rocks.



I demand to know if your

conduct was in the firm's interest.



That's sadistic.



You listen to me. I was up all night

in the interest of Ramsey and Son.



I landed a $  million account

in the interest of Ramsey and Son.



You haven't been

in the office for two months.



And that's in the interest

of Ramsey and Son.



I have very good reason for that.



It depresses the employees.



I discussed it with my analyst,

Dr. Melnick. He understands.



He says I depressed him too.



He's only human. - You don't know

what a handicap it is to be born rich.



Some handicap. - Don't sneer.

Wealthy people are hated.



What's written on the Statue of

Liberty? "Send me your rich"?



No, "Send me your poor."

We're not welcome in our own country.



You're one of the lucky ones.



You were born in the slums.

- That's lucky?



You had everything going for

you: Poverty, squalor...



There was only one way to go:

Up. But I did it the hard way.



Done what?



Taken over Ramsey and Son.



As president, I've a right to know

what's been going on.



Well, I'll tell you.

I've landed    new accounts.



There's a lot more to advertising.



The big job

is selling the product.



Gimme a well-stacked dame

in a bathing suit, I'll sell anything.



Girls again!

What's the obsession with girls?



I was a poor kid, remember?

I didn't have toys to play with.



See. Told you

it's a handicap to be rich.



Get me that green tie.

- Right.



What about Miss Templeton?

What am I gonna say?






I'll say it for you.

- Oh good.



Tell her...




we re very sorry.



And that if she's willing to forgive,



that henceforth we'll

conduct ourselves beyond reproach.



Carol Templeton, please.

Jerry Webster calling.



Ramsey and Son. - Assure her

of our high moral character.



Yes, Mr. Webster. - Mr. Ramsey tells

me you spoke to him.



I'd like to ask you a favor. Kindly

keep your nose out of my business.



If the competition's too tough,

get out of the profession.



You aren't even in

the advertising profession.



I ought to tell you your profession.

- Tell me anyway.



Let me put it this way,

I don't use sex to land an account.



When do you use it?

- I don't!



My condolences to your husband.



I'm not married.

- That figures.



What do you mean, that figures?



A husband would be competition.



There's only room for one man

in a family.



Let me tell you something:

I wish I were a man right now...



Keep trying. You'll make it.



Milly, get me the number

of a Miss Rebel Davis.



She works at the Bunny Club.



Your trouble is you're

living in your father's shadow.



You're even afraid to get rid of

his car. - He dominated me.



Just once,

I spoke back to him.



He cut a switch from a tree

and gave me a whipping.



In front of this girl.



It was a shattering experience.



Pete, all kids get whippings.



But I was   .

The girl was my fiancee.




- You no-good, lowdown liar.



Rebel, honey, what's the trouble?

- There's trouble?



You promised

I was gonna be the Miller Wax girl



and now Mr. Miller says

there ain't even gonna be one!



Carol Templeton surely was right.



Carol Templeton?



Are we in trouble?

- When did you talk to her?



She wants me to go to the ad council

and tell them about those parties.



I'm gonna do it!



Don't you go near the ad council!

I'll be over.



We're in trouble?

- I can handle it.



As head, I've a right to know.



Yes, we're in trouble.

- You shouldn't have told me.



You get outta here!



Now, honey,

let's talk this over.



I'll do my talking to the ad council.



Sugar Lump!

- I am not your sugar lump!



So stop nibbling on me.



You've been promising

to put me on TV for two years.



Baby! Baby!



You are not gonna nibble

your way out of this one!



I'm gonna tell that

advertising council plenty!






Tell 'em there isn't any Miller Wax

girl, but also tell 'em why.



Tell 'em I cancelled when they were

gonna hide that glorious figure.



That's like hiding a Rembrandt

under a dishtowel.



Tell 'em everything. Tell 'em...



how I turned down, for two years,

sponsor after sponsor,



looking for

the right product,



the perfect product

for you to represent.



Tell 'em

I finally found one.



What is it?






woulda made you more famous

than Miss Rheingold.



Well, what is it?



A brand new product.



It's, uh, different. It's...






Well, what is it?



Well, it's, uh...












I was gonna make you the Vip Girl.



What's Vip?

- Vip?



It's the product that

woulda brought you fame and fortune.



The key that

woulda opened the key to Hollywood.



And you turned it down.



No, I didn't!



Jerry! Jerry, wait, honey!



I didn't turn it down.

- Same thing.



We're filming the Vip commericials

at one o'clock.



I've got to pick out another girl.

- Oh no you don't.



I wanna be the Vip Girl.

- You had your chance.



Please, don't go.



Come back. Give me another chance.



I'll do anything you say.




- Well, I...



Well, all right...



It's him!



Let's face it, Charlie.

Either you've got or you haven't.



He's got it.



Vip commercial, number  .



Okay, Rebel, action.



Hi there, I'm the Vip Girl.



Everything I've got,



I owe to Vip.



I'm just a slave to any man

who uses Vip.



Good things have been happening

since I discovered Vip.



I got my man

when I got Vip.



Oh yes, folks,

everything I got...



I owe to Vip.




- That's it.



Wrap it up.

- Thanks.



What do you want done with the ads?

- Put them on the shelf.



On the shelf?



Call me about it later.

Rebel, you were fabulous.



Do you think they'll like me?

- Honey, single-handed...



you may bring in the

forty-inch screen.



When are they gonna be on?

- Well, I...



I haven't got the deal lock up yet.

When they see you, it's in the bag.



Hurry, you're due at the ad council.

- I don't wanna testify against you.



Don't worry, you won't.

- But they're gonna ask questions.



Here are the answers.

Memorize this.



Wear this around your neck.



Couldn't I just not show up?



That won't stop Templeton.

This will.



Don't worry,

I'll tell you every move to make.



Wait, what's this? Very-tass et...

- Veritas



et probitas super omnia.



That's Latin. That means:



Truth and honor,



above all.



That's Mr. Webster's motto?

- It's the code by which he lives.



Many's the night

he's walked me to my door,



bowed, kissed my hand

and said, "Rebel...



Veritas et probitas super omnia."



This is ridiculous!



Miss Templeton,

please stop challenging your witness.



Obviously, she's been coached.



Or bribed.

He gave you something, didn't he?



Sit down!



It's true. He did give me something.






He asked me to wear it over my heart.

He got it in the army.




it's the good conduct medal.



Oh well!

- Would you care to look?



Yes, indeed.



Most inspiring.

May I?



Takes me back a few years...



to my own army days.






Miss Templeton...

- Would you move on?



Gentlemen, if we're through

admiring Mr. Webster's trophies,



I'd like to ask Miss Davis

to tell us about that wild party



he threw last night.

- The revival meeting?



Mr. Webster held a revival?



Revival is right!

Everyone there had to be revived.



You're making serious charges

against a man who is not here.



That's a very interesting point.

Why isn't he here?



Miss Davis,

do you know where Mr. Webster is?



He's at the Red Cross, donating blood.



They wouldn't take his blood.

It's    proof!



Why would he be there now?



That's where he's

meeting his Boy Scout troop.



He's a Scout leader?

- He's taking them on a hike



to Inspiration Point.



At the top of the Chrysler building.



The top of the Chrysler building

is not Inspiration Point.



It is to Mr. Webster.



It looks down on Madison Avenue.



Miss Templeton?



Have you anything further to say?






I'd like my body sent back

to the agency.



That was quite a performance,

Miss Davis.



You ain't mad at me?

- Oh no!



You should be an actress.

- I am. I'm goin' to Hollywood,



just as soon as I'm famous

as the Vip Girl.



The Vip Girl?



What's Vip?

- It's a brand-new product.



Mr. Webster's tryin'

to get the account.



This will be my big chance.



And mine!



Milly, drop what you're doing.

We're after the Vip account.



The what account?

- Vip. V-l-P.



Never heard of it.

- Find out about it.



Jerry Webster's trying to land it,

but we're gonna beat him to it.



Are you sure?

He fights rough.



Then we'll fight rough!

This is war, Milly!



That means

liquor, wild parties and girls.




- Right.



I'd like to volunteer

for frontline duty.



Well, my boy, we did it.



We've been absolved by the council.

- Yes.



We really put that Templeton woman

in her place. - "We" did.



We deserve a reward.

A vacation.



We're gonna go to dad's hunting lodge

in Canada and do nothing:



No radio, no television, no phones.



A thousand miles from the nearest

sponsor. - Sounds great.



Is it all right

for you to be away from Dr. Melnick?



Must be,

he's the one who suggested it.



What do you say,

you go upstairs and pack?



No, I'm gonna go to the office.



You go pack, I'll handle things.

- You?



Melnick says

I've gotta start making decisions.



Good, grand.

- That man has worked miracles.



Everyone should go through analysis.

- Not everyone can afford it.



That's the tragedy of it.

Look at these poor people.



They go through life,

contented, happy, laughing,



never knowing how sick they are.



You're sick! Sick!



Just a minute, you can't come in

here. Who are you?



I'm Peter Ramsey.



Oh, Mr. Ramsey.



Who are you?

- I'm your secretary.



You're not Elsie.

- No, I'm Deborah.



Elsie got married. Jerry...

Mr. Webster hired me.



Well, if there are any calls,

I'm not in.



Yes, sir.






How are we in the copy department?



On the ball? Got the big picture?



Come on, nutsy, who is this?

- This is the boss.



I'm sorry, Mr. Webster.

- This is Peter Ramsey. Who is this?






Memo. To all departments.



Subject: Insubordination.



Certain department heads...



Yes, Hadley, come in.

- Oh, Mr. Ramsey, I...



I was looking for Mr. Webster.

- Anything I can handle?



No, sir.

I need a decision.



Now look here, Hadley.

I happen to be company president.



I'll make the decisions.



It really isn't important.



I'll decide what's important!

Now, what is it?



Commco Film Studios are calling

and wanna know what to do with the...



Vip commercials

that Mr. Webster made.









What do we usually do

with commercials? We show them.



Mr. Webster didn't brief me

on the Vip account.



Well, it's a lucky thing

I'm here.



Are you familiar with the account?



Who d'you think got the deal?



Oh. Well, congratulations, sir.



With a new product, Mr. Webster

starts off with a campaign on TV,



you know, to get the ball rolling.



Let's forget Mr. Webster, shall we?

I'm rolling this ball. - Yes, sir.



We'll start off

with a campaign on TV.



Yes, sir. Right away.



Dr. Melnick,



Peter Ramsey. I've done it, Doc.



I made a decision.

And it was a beauty!



    dollars for a private detective?






To find Jerry Webster

and track down the Vip account.



Did you find him?




- Did you find out who makes Vip?




- Did you find out what Vip is?



No. But...

- As long as it's money well spent.



I want you to forget the Vip account.

Webster's got it.



But I don't believe it.



Rebel Davis, the Vip Girl herself,

told me he didn't have the account.



That same day, he disappeared.

Something is wrong.



What about all those commercials

on television all week?



I still say something's wrong.



Mr. Bracket, please give me more time

and I'll prove it to you.






But if this detective doesn't find

what you're looking for,



there's something else he might

find for you.



A new job?

- Exactly.



I already told him.



This is the forest primeval,



just as it was

at the dawn of civilization.



And this is how

the first man explored it:



In a birch bark canoe,



pitting his skill and strength

against the forces of nature.



Survival of the fittest,

that's the law here.



Harrison has run out of road.

- Good, he might scare the game.



What is that?

- The mating call of the moose.



This call

is absolutely irresistible.



Your bull moose will run    miles

to get to the source of this call.



And then what happens?

- I take his picture.



Pete, he's not running    miles

to get photographed.



I suggest you stop blowing that.



You just leave

the decisions to me.



The same wise leadership that



saved us from a costly blunder will

see us through. - Costly blunder?



You've been so relaxed,

I haven't wanted to tell ya.



You've goofed. If it weren't for me,

those Vip ads wouldn't be on air.



They're on?



A saturation campaign, my boy.



Now, Pete, don't panic. Turn around!



What's wrong? - Turn around!

- What's wrong? - We've got to go.



What's wrong?

- Start paddling!



I have a right to know!

- There's no such product!






But you made films!

- They were to keep Rebel in line.



I told ya

sex would get you into trouble!



Never mind me. Convince that fella!



Here she is!



Look at these letters.

Drugstores, wholesalers calling.



All these people want Vip.



We've sold a product that doesn't

exist. We've ruined the agency!



Relax, Pete.

- Dad'll kill me!



Your dad's dead and gone!

- No, he isn't.



He wouldn't leave this

business with someone like me.



Don't just sit there.

Let's do something!



Send Hadley in.

- That's it. We'll pin the rap on him.



Sure! It's our word against his.

Let them break Hadley.



He's not a senior executive.

He's expendable.



That's how Dad would've done it.



Come in,

come in, Hadley.



Webster has something to tell ya.



Telephone Commco Films.

We wanna make more Vip commercials.



More commercials?

- On the double!



Right. - Are you out of your mind?

There's no such product as Vip.



People wanna spend their money on

Vip. It's only fair we give it them.



Where do we get it?

- We invent it.



Can we do that?

- Why not?



That's not the way it's done.



You're supposed to have the product

first. Then you go out and sell it.



Pete! You are pioneering a method

that'll make you a legend. - It will?



The most convincing demonstration

of the power of advertising.



You have sold a product

that doesn't exist.



Yes! By thunder!



Even Dad didn't do that.

- Right.



I don't think I better either.

- You have no choice.



We come up with Vip or you're ruined.



Kelly, I want five $     bills

and the address of Dr. Linus Tyler.



Linus Tyler?



Only he can come up with Vip.

- No. He's a troublemaker.



He's been fired by   companies.

- He's brilliant and needs money.



No. Money can't buy him.



As Dad always said, don't

trust a man who can't be bribed.



Isn't it comforting to know

you can trust me?



Boss, your private eye called.

Webster's back in town.



He followed him to this address.



Dr. Linus Tyler. Who's he?

- He won a Nobel prize in chemistry.



He did that testimonial for

Mother Murphy's Home-made Soup.



They asked him to analyze the soup

and say what Mother Murphy put in it.



He did. Broke the company

and jailed Mother Murphy.



Milly, why would Jerry Webster

be interested in a brilliant chemist?









I'll bet Tyler's the inventor!



You're wasting your time.



Nothing could induce me



to again associate myself

with that dull group, the human race.



That's a very wise decision.

You've quit the world!



They didn't appreciate me,

now let them suffer.



They want to be misled.



I invented a hair tonic superior

to anything else.



Would the public buy it?



Not until they were told it contained

a secret ingredient: TR    .



Do you know what TR     was?



My phone number.



Now with Vip, the idiots

have reached the millenium.



They've bought nothing!



That's right.



Unless you come up with something.

- Never!



Here, in the comfort of

my laboratory, I'm happy...



and have the companionship of the one

person worthy of my company:






I want for nothing.



You're one man who can do it.



I will never again

prostitute my genius.



Not for all the gold

on Madison Avenue.



How soon do you need it?




back to the world, Doctor.



We're completely versatile.

Vip can be anything:



Soft drink, skin lotion, soap,

cigarettes, toothpaste, anything.



The important thing is speed.



If I can help you in any way...

- It's very kind of you.



If you'll carry on here,

I'll get some supplies. - Fine.



Doctor Tyler?

- Oh, I... - Carol Templeton.



Carol Templeton.



I would like to talk about Vip.

It is your product, isn't it?



Yes, I invented it.

- Good.



Doctor, have you signed

with Jerry Webster? - Why?



I'm with another agency. And

I have some marvelous ideas



for Vip.

- Really?



If you don't like what I've got,

I'll get more. - Fair enough.



I'll be there day and night.



I see.



Doctor, there's nothing I won't do

to get this account.



I haven't signed

with Webster.



Oh, Dr. Tyler, I'm so happy.



I know this is going to work out.

- Yes.



I think it has possibilities.



Shall we sit down and I'll tell you

my ideas? - No.



Not here. It's too dangerous.



All these experiments...



You mean there could be an explosion?

- Exactly.



If I'm not careful,

this whole thing could blow up.



V Day is coming.



I like it very much.



Thank you, Doctor.

- Got any more ideas?



Not yet. But I

could put the office to work.






As soon as you tell me what Vip is.

- That's a problem.






Mr. Webster's whole strategy

is secrecy.



To get people talking about Vip

and wondering what it is.



I promised him

I wouldn't reveal it to anyone.



Until I decide to sign with him



or someone else, I feel

I must respect my promise.






And I admire your integrity.

- Miss Templeton,



I have a code,

and I told this to Webster too:



Veritas et probitas super omnia.



So that's where he stole it!

- Pardon?



I wonder if you know the man

you're dealing with. - Webster? - Yes.



I guess I don't. I've only seen him

a dozen or so times.



Well, what's your opinion?



I prefer to reserve judgment

till I see him sober.



Doesn't that tell you what he is?



Miss Templeton, as my uncle,

the missionary, used to say,



"If thou canst not speak

well of a man, speak not at all."



You make me feel ashamed.



Oh, no please, I...



I cannot presume to judge.



I am but a humble chemist.

- Oh no,




you re a genius,

and a great humanitarian.



And I want to

know you better.




there's so much I can learn from you.



As my father, the philosopher,

used to say,



"Knock at my door

and I shall take you in."



Dr. Tyler,



I'm knocking.



Miss Templeton,



I'm taking you in.



And it was there,

in the seclusion of my laboratory,



that the idea came

for this wonderful new product.



For a while I was determined

not to share it with the world.



Then I remembered the words

of my grandfather, the philanthropist:



"The joy of living

is the joy of giving."



Oh my!

What a magnificent family!



Missionary... philanthropist...

a philosopher... doctor...









Oh, yes. Me.



When you said doctor, I thought

of my brother, the jungle surgeon.



He was the real doctor.






He went into the interior

to treat this tribe of sick natives.



Got them back on their feet,

restored their appetites,



discovered too late

that they were cannibals.



Oh, how awful!

- Yes.



His last words were:



"Better me than Schweitzer."



You mean they have advertising

in Nebraska? - Yes.



Of course, it was a small agency,

in Omaha.



Somehow one of my ads came to the

attention of Mr. Bracket,



and he offered me a job in New York.



How do you like Madison Avenue?

- Oh, I love it.



I love the creative challenge.



It's the social challenge

that presents a bit of a problem.



You see, in my business,



I'm called upon to do

some entertaining.



That usually involves some drinking.



And that's a problem?

- Yes, I don't drink.



Neither do I.



It's not that I object.



It's just I can't tolerate alcohol.



One little glass of champagne and

I become completely irresponsible.



Is that a fact?

- Yes.



As a chemist, you must understand.

- I might be able to do something.



Would you try?

- You may depend on it.



I'd better be getting back.

Mr. Webster mentioned dinner...



Oh, don't have dinner with him!

- What?



Let me take you to dinner.

There's so much I want to talk about.



I'll have more ideas for Vip.



Well, I...

- Please!



All right. - Good, I'll pick you up

at   at your lab. - Fine.



Oh, no. Not there. I'm moving.



Mr. Webster's

getting me a hotel suite.



Don't let him do that!



I mean, I'll get you a hotel suite.

- Miss Templeton...



But my agency will pay for it.



Please! - You don't even know if

I'll give you the Vip account.



I know you'll make

a fair and wise decision.



A woman senses

when a man can be trusted.



And you, Doctor, can be trusted.



Excuse me.



Rockefeller couldn't buy

a better suit than this.



$  .   and

I throw in a pair of knickers.






Haven't you got the kind

that was in style   or   years ago?



Have we!



Esther! Bring down the suit

we made for Prince Rainier's wedding.



Prince or no prince,

he didn't pick it up, he loses it.



One... two... three... together.



One... two... three... together.



Doctor. - One...

- I should have explained.



On "together", you bring

your feet together, not us.



Oh, I'm sorry.

- It's all right. You're doing well.



One... two... three... together.



Actually, we should

be together all the time.



This way

I can sense your next move.



How about that?



It's awfully nice of you

to teach me.



It's my pleasure.



I taught a Nobel

Prize winner. - Oh really? Who?



Oh, Dr. Tyler. You're very modest.



Oh, well...



I never think of myself

as a Nobel Prize winner.



It's my cousin Maurice who should

have it. He will, if he gets back.



Gets back?

- Yes.



Will you swear never to repeat

what I tell you? - I swear.



Central intelligence refers to

my cousin as the "human satellite".



You mean...

- Yes.



He was launched from

Cape Canaveral   days ago.



Every    minutes,

Maurice passes over this club.



Now you can understand why

I don't like to talk about myself.



I'm having a wonderful time.

- Good.



I really hate to leave.



Where are you going?



I have a meeting with Mr. Webster.

- Oh, Doctor, why?



Well, I...

- Please, sit down.



I'm not even thinking business,



but I hate to see you

associate with someone like Webster.



You're so cultured, so refined,



so innoc...



You're so nice.

- No.



Say it: Innocent.



That's what I am.



You're a gentleman.

- I'm dull.



One phase of my education

is completely lacking.



But Mr. Webster can teach me.



Oh, Doctor. You've missed nothing.



He had a long talk with me.

I've missed it.



There's nothing worthwhile

you can learn from Webster.



I find him very intriguing,

in a man-to-man sort of way.



Anyway, I've never seen

the places he wants to show me.



What places?

- Well, I'm kinda embarrassed...



Doctor, you know you can talk to me.

Where's he taking you?



Well, it's kind of a nightclub...



They have these girls...



They remove their...



They strip!



Say, I think

that's the word he used!



He said I'd enjoy it.



Do you think

you'd enjoy watching a girl undress?



I don't know.

But I'm willing to give it a try.



All right.



If you want a burlesque,

you don't need Mr. Webster.



I'll take you.

- You? - Me.



Oh, waiter. Cheque, please.



Hey, Charlie, isn't that him?



I think it is.



Keep the change.

- Thank you.



Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you a suite at the Royal Plaza.



It just doesn't seem right,

a man letting a woman pay.



Well, you're not exactly

an ordinary man.



It's him.



I wonder why

he grew the beard?



When has he got time to shave?



Remarkable muscle control!









how do you suppose she...

- I really wouldn't know.



Doctor, would you please stop?



I'm sorry.



And I'm sorry we went

to that place. - Are you? - Yes.



From now on, I'll leave

that education to Mr. Webster.



You mean,

you found that educational?



We never studied anything like that.



I only saw girls in the lab, and they

had on those long white coats.



I had no idea what was

going on under those coats!



Doctor, do you mind

if we change the subject?




- Thank you.



What would you like to talk about?



Anything but Jerry Webster.



All right.



You hate this suit, don't you?

- Oh no, no.



It's very colorful.



I'm afraid

it's the only new suit I have.



But tomorrow I'm getting

a new wardrobe from Mist...



Oh, I forgot.

You don't wanna talk about him.



Webster's buying you a new

wardrobe? - He insisted.



Doctor, let me buy it.

- Oh, I couldn't.



But I've told you,

my agency is paying for it.



They've given me carte blanche.

We'll go first thing in the morning.



And, uh, Linus?






How long have you had that beard?



Don't you like it?

- Yes, I do.



It's very impressive.



Makes you look so distinguished,

so intellectual.



So handsome. It's magnificent.



You'd like me to get rid of it.

- Would you?






Your husband's a doll without

the beard! - Yes!



I mean, he's not my husband.



I don't like it.

Maybe she'll go back to the lab.



Maybe she'll find out you're not

Tyler, that there's no Vip.



Maybe the world will end.

- Do you think?



Relax. I'm gonna keep

Miss Templeton busy day and night.



People want Vip. We haven't got it!

- We'll get it!



One of the most

brilliant chemists is working on it.



He may even have it now.



Dr. Tyler!

- Over here, my boy.



What exploded?

- Vip!



I know I said it could be toothpaste,

but isn't this the hard way?



It's not as mundane as toothpaste.



I seem to have made a mistake.

It all looked so simple.



You know yet what Vip is gonna be?

- Vip will be the miracle product.



It'll bring relief to the suffering,

joy to the depressed,



inspiration to the artistic and peace

to the world, all for only    cents.



Fabulous. It is a miracle product.



How soon will you have it?

- The product I have.



There are still bugs in the miracle.

- Keep at it. It'll make you immortal.



Boss. I brought the mail.

- I'll be right there, Milly.



How's the hermit?

- Who? - The mad chemist.



Oh, Linus? He's fine.






We're spending the day together,

playing golf.




Today, you are a woman.



Think he'll like it?



If he doesn't,

he's taking the wrong chemicals.



That was fun!



You did amazingly well for only

one lesson. - Thank you.



I'm sorry

I made you drive so far out.



Such a lonely stretch of beach.

- That's all right.



Really, you shouldn't be embarrassed.

- Well, I...



You look wonderful without your

clothes. - So do you.



I meant...

- So did I.



Carol, I...

- Yes?



There's something I'd like to ask.



Go ahead.



I'm afraid you might misunderstand.



No. Ask it.



Do you have any more ideas for Vip?






I hate to ask it,



but after what Mr. Webster said...



What did he say?



When I mentioned your idea, he said

it was the last one you'd have.



What? - He said you were

strictly a one-idea person.



If there's anyone on Madison Avenue

who's a one-idea person, it's him.



His whole career's been

built on one idea: Sex.



Funny. You claim he's

oversexed and he claims you're...



I'm what?



I'd rather not tell you.



Well, I'm not undersexed!

- I'm sure you're not.



It's true, I haven't come up

with any new thoughts.






We've been having so much fun

in the last few days.



I promise, tomorrow morning

I'm gonna bring you great ideas.



Good! That'll teach Webster.






let's talk about something inspiring.



I wonder where Maurice is.






Your cousin. The human satellite.



Oh, him.



Right now, he's over Russia.



Oh, brave, wonderful man.

- Yes.



I've often pondered his last words.

They were so cryptic.



What did he say?

- He said, "Cousin Linus,



life is like outer space:

Explore it today,



for tomorrow you may not be able

to get it off the launching pad."



I wonder what he meant.



He meant, enjoy life now,

before it's too late.



You know, there is something

I'd enjoy doing right now.



But I don't know how.



Well, let's see...



I've taught you dancing,




how to swim...



What is it you'd like to do now?



I'd like to...



kiss you, but I...



That's even easier than dancing.



This may be your best subject.



Hi, Kelly.



Mr. Ramsey's been trying to reach

you. - Thank you.



He's at your apartment.



My apartment?

- He says it's very urgent.



Hello, Pete.

What are you doing in my apartment?



Waiting for you.

- How are things going with Tyler?



Things are lousy with Dr. Tyler.

Get over here right away.



Why don't you come to the office?

- I tried to. I've been thrown out.



I'll be right there.



It's no use, I'm marked for life.



Have you tried alcohol?

- Yes. I had three martinis.



I warned you

not to hire that madman!



Here, try this kind.




- No. Rub it on your face. Here.



He's not a chemist.

He's a frustrated munitions maker.



He'll never come up with Vip.

We'll be exposed.



This'll be the biggest scandal

that hit Madison Avenue.



The agency's through.



There's only one way out: Suicide.



All right. - We'll get Hadley to

commit suicide and pin it on him.



You may have trouble with that.



He wouldn't dare refuse.

His job depends on it.



We'll go see Tyler first thing.

I'll meet you there at nine.



No, sir, you're not getting out

of my sight till we get Vip.



Okay, you can stay here tonight.

You have the bed. I'll take the couch.



Is the alcohol working?

- Yes, it is.



My face isn't purple anymore?

- No.









He stole it!



I'm coming.






What are you doing here?



Where am I?



This is Jerry Webster's apartment.



How did you get here?



Are you all right?



Try to think.

- I am.



Was he waiting for you at your hotel?

- Yes.



How did he get you to come here?

- Well, I...



Let me see.



He probably

gave you something to drink.






You should have refused.

- Well, I...



I would have, but I was so dizzy

from that cigarette he gave me.



What kind of cigarette?

- I don't know.



It didn't have any printing.



Oh, Linus!



Oh, that depraved monster!



It's time somebody...

- Wait!



You'd better let me look first.



You can't go in there.



Why not?

- Because he's not alone.



You mean there's a...

- Two!



Both famous actresses.



Hurry and dress.

We're getting out.



They're waking up.

- Come on!



All right...



We're getting out of here.



Where will I get dressed.

- At my place.



I'm not leaving you

with those actresses.



There goes Superman.



Makes you realize how old we are.



If he doesn't slow down,

he'll catch up with us.



I just can't believe Webster

would steal someone else's idea.



You're so decent, it's hard for you

to think ill of anyone.



I guess I do

trust everybody.



I've put your things

in the maid's room.



Thank you.



Where's your maid?

I don't have one. I just use it



as a guest room.



You know, I almost hate

to go back to the hotel.



Webster's bound to come over,

and I don't feel like talking to him.



Well, don't go back.



Maybe I shouldn't. I'm kind of

disillusioned with Webster.



I should think so.



Maybe I shouldn't let him

handle the Vip account.



Whatever you think, Linus.



It's your decision.



If only I had a quiet place where

I could think about this overnight.



Some place where

Webster couldn't find me.




- Yes?



I know a place.



Really? Where?



Right here, in that guest room.



In your apartment? Alone with you?



All night?



It's like a separate apartment,

with a lock and its own entrance.



I don't know.

- Oh, Linus.



We're adults.

- Yes, but...



Look at it calmy and sensibly.



You won't be disturbed here.

- Right.



You can concentrate

on what you want to do. - True.



Well then. For what you have

in mind, isn't this the best place?



I guess maybe it is.



I don't care how you do it, or what it

is, we must have Vip tomorrow.



What I'm working on

is highly volatile.



What I'm working on

is highly volatile too.



That only gives me tonight.



Believe me, Doc,

I'm in the same boat.



Hello? Mr. Bracket.



I'm here with Mr. Gaines. I'm filling

him in on Vip. How does it look?






Dr. Tyler's having dinner here.



Fine. We'll expect good news

in the morning. Goodnight.



Looks pretty good.

Dr. Tyler's having dinner with her.



Tyler, in a woman's apartment?



Why not? Miss Templeton's attractive.

- I know Tyler. He's a woman-hater.



Maybe he used to be. But Jenkins

saw them dancing the other night.



Linus Tyler, out dancing?



Something's wrong. Come on.

- Where to?



Greenwich Village, to see Tyler.



More coffee?

- No, thank you.



You know...



I have a small bottle of champagne

someone gave me. And...



I debated whether

to open it tonight.



But knowing how susceptible we...

- You were right.



In view of the situation,



being here alone,



I think we should be especially...

- Definitely.



I'll help you with the dishes.



Oh, I wouldn't think of it.



It's a woman's job.




- Make yourself comfortable.



It's ten thirty.

I'd better be getting to bed.



Thank you for a delightful evening.



You're a wonderful cook,

charming company,



and some day, you'll make

some man a very fine wife.



Thank you, Linus.



Some day, you'll make

some lucky woman a fine husband.



That's kind of you.



I'm afraid I could never get

married. Goodnight.






Why can't you get married?



It's the sort of thing a man

doesn't discuss with a woman.



Oh, Linus.



What is it?



Carol, I'm going to say something

that'll shock you.



Do you know who I wish I were?

Jerry Webster!



Oh no!

- Yes! - Why?



Because he's everything I'm not.



He's a man of the world.

He's smooth, confident, experienced.



He's a real man.



You're the real man!

- Am I? - Yes.



Look at me. Here I am,

alone with a beautiful girl.



It's ten thirty,

and for me the evening is over.



Oh, Linus!

- Do you know what Webster would do?



In two minutes,

he'd maneuver you into that bedroom!



Oh, I'm sorry.



I didn't know what I was saying.

I didn't mean it.



I know you didn't.

- But I feel so insecure.



Oh, Linus, stop torturing yourself.



Now you know

why I'm afraid to get married.



I'm afraid,



afraid I'll be a failure.



But you won't.

I know.



A woman knows these things.



Don't lie to me, please. I'd rather

have your scorn than pity.



Linus, listen to me:



It isn't pity,

and I didn't lie.



You kissed me and I was thrilled.

- A kiss. What does that prove?



If you can light a stove,

it still doesn't make you a cook.



Listen to me. Look at me.



I can't. I'm too ashamed.



Forget me, Carol.

You deserve a man,



not a mass

of neurotic doubts.



Oh, Linus,

you mustn't have these doubts.



You're tearing yourself apart.

You're a fine, brilliant man.



Sure. Brilliant chemist!



Phi Beta Kappa!



Nobel Prize Winner!



I'd trade all of my knowledge

to know how to make a woman love me.



You can.

- No.



That's not true.



You're a kind, sensitive person.

- But not the man a woman could love.



Of course you are.

- But I don't know.



Linus, don't do this to yourself!



Any woman would love you.



If only

I could be sure of that.



Wait here.



Shall I resist my heart?



Shall I deny it's splendor?



Shall I insist we part?



Should I surrender?



Should I be fire or ice?



Should I be firm or tender?



Should I be bad...



or nice?



Should I surrender?



His pleading words so tenderly



entreat me.



Is this the night



that love finally defeats me?



Should I avoid his touch?



Should I be a shy pretender?



Should I admit



I'd much rather surrender?






Miss Templeton, I don't usually

discharge employees on the phone.



But in your case,

I'm making an exception.



I just left Dr. Tyler,

and he never heard of you!






But that's impossible!

He's here right now.



I don't know who you're

entertaining, but it's not Tyler.






Yes, darling?



Take my hand.



I'm not afraid anymore.



Oh, that's good.



What are you going to do?



I'm going to give you confidence.



Be gentle!



Of course, darling.



Remember that lonely stretch of beach

where we first kissed?



Let's go back there.

- Now?






To recapture the magic

of that moment.



But I feel pretty magic here.



There's a full moon.



We'll have a midnight swim.



But it's thirty miles.



And I don't have my bathing suit.



Oh, Linus.



My sweet, innocent darling.



We don't need bathing suits.



Trust me,



my precious.

- Oh, I do. I do.



I'm terribly embarrassed.

- No need to be, darling.



After you get into the water,

I'll join you.






Well, that's it.

Now it's your turn.






Now it's my turn.



Goodnight, Mr. Webster!



Hey, wait! Come back!



I'm losing

my confidence again!



I've picked up a few hitchhikers,



but you were a weird sight,

running along in seaweed shorts!



I'll have your coat back

in a minute.



Hey, Fred!






That's the last guy

I would have figured.



There'll be no slip-up this time,

Mr. Northcross.



You subpoena Jerry Webster,



and I'll present enough evidence

to put him behind bars.



They've been advertising

a product that doesn't exist.






I've already spoken to the

District Attorney. He'll be there.



No, Mr. Northcross,

I'm not trying to stall for time.



It just happens that

   o'clock is when I donate blood.



They need it.

It's a very rare type.



Eleven o'clock. I'll be there.



Did Hadley find Tyler?

- Not yet.



That Templeton is a mean woman.

- Lay off her, Kelly.



Congratulate me, boy.

I've saved the day!



My lawyers

have come up with a document



that will hold up in any court.

- Great! What is it?



A full confession.

Sign it.



Are you kidding?

I could go to jail for   years.



No, we make a deal with the judge.

Two years. Sign.



Forget it.

- Two years!



It's like being drafted.

Greetings from the president. Sign.



I couldn't find Tyler anywhere.

The guy has disappeared.



That tears it.






Step over to the window.



Mr. Ramsey,

I told you, I am not going to jump!



You don't have to. I'll trip you.



Your wife'll be loaded,

kids'll go to college.



Right? Come on, boy, run!



Knock it off. - You won't sign,

you won't jump. What traitors!



Dr. Tyler's here.



Doctor, where've you been?



In the subway.

Couldn't change a thousand dollar bill.



Gentlemen, I give you Vip!



That is Vip?

- They look like mints.



Don't they though?



$       for advertising,

and what does he give us? Candy!



I don't care if they're matzah balls.

I've got something for the ad council.



Hadley, let's have wrappers made.



Nobel Prize Winner, huh?



I could have hired Fanny Farmer.



At ten cents a piece,

you'll make millions.



Ten cents for one of these?



Try it.

- I've tasted candy before.



Not like these. Try it.



Have the rest of it.



I think you'd better sit down,

there should be a reaction.



I made it emphatic

to Webster he be here at   .



Hadley! Hold that elevator!






I think I'll try a red one.

- I think you've had enough.



Don't worry,

I can hold my candy.



Know something?



I'll tell you,



you've come up with a great mint.

- Mint?



Mint, you say?



This priceless pastille

you carelessly refer to as a mint,



is in reality

a triumph of advanced biochemistry.



Looks like candy.

Tastes like candy.



But it enters

the blood stream as pure alcohol.



Each one is the equivalent

of a triple martini.



Here's to you, Doc. Bottoms up!



I've given this country

what it has long needed:



A good ten cent drunk.



I told you he wouldn't show up.



The D.A. Should take over.



It seems in order

to issue a warrant for his arrest.



And if he resists, gun him down!



Good morning.

I'm sorry to be late,



but I stopped to pick up Vip.



You mean there is such a product?



Would I advertise it if there weren't?



That would be dishonest.



Gentlemem, I give you Vip.

A confection for the entire family.



This is nothing but a mint!

- I never said it was anything more.



Hmm, it's quite tasty.




- May I have another one?



Sure, Mr. Williams, help yourself.



Help yourselves.



Unusually refreshing.



Try a green one.

- How many colors are there? -  .



Let's all have one of each.



Dr. Melnick?

- What happened?



He just suddenly went wild.

- He kicked this picture of his dad.



He tried to tear my clothes off!

- Mine too!



Where is he?

- Joe, take it down.



What are you doing, Peter?



I'm king of the elevator!



V Day is Here



Marriage Certificate












Miss Templeton?



Miss Templeton, wake up.






I had the most wonderful dream.



Dr. Tyler and I...



I know what you're thinking,

but just calm down.



We're in a motel in Maryland,

but it's all right.



We're legally married.

You're Mrs. Jerry Webster.



Now stop that!

You're my wife!



Some girls

just aren't ready for marriage.






Look. I don't know how it happened,

but I did the decent thing.



Oh, I'm your wife!



This is horrible!



I'm ruined!



You're not ruined!

I married you.



You'll go to jail for this.

- Carol...



Don't you touch me!



Will you listen to reason?



You give me back my clothes!



Poor lad! It's not likely

to be a long honeymoon.



I know you hate me, but you must

love me too. You married me.



You got me drunk!

- Maybe I did.



I know it's a shock

to wake up and find yourself married,



but this is the first time

it's happened to me too.



And you know something?

Cold sober, even with a hangover,



I kinda like it.



Mrs. Jerry Webster.



Don't you ever call me that again.



Plenty of girls

would like to be Mrs. Jerry Webster.



I'm sure they have a right.

- Okay, so I've sown a few wild oats.



A few?

You can qualify for a farm loan!



Honey, you're starting

off our marriage with a fight.



Oh no, I'm not.

I'm starting it with an annulment!



Carol, don't be so hasty.

Let's talk this over.



You listen. No alcoholic beverage,



no drug, no torture could induce me

to stay married to you!



Let's discuss this!



Where can I get this annulled?




it's only natural to be frightened.



Like olives, dear,

you acquire a taste for it.



Get me New York City,

Plaza      . I'll hold.



Hello, Pete? This is Jerry.



I'm in Maryland,

but I don't know how.



I'll tell you.



You ate some of those poison pellets

your Frankenstein friend



Tyler came up with.



Candy nothing! That stuff

turns into pure alcohol.



That explains it.

What about the ad council?



They found Northcross



barricaded in the ladies' lounge

at Radio City Music Hall.



Williams was on stage,

dancing with the Rockettes.



And Magnussen just washed up

on the beach at Waikiki.



Yeah, he's alive.



Can't find the District Attorney.



Is he gray haired with a moustache?



He was best man at my wedding.



Relax, Pete.

I'm gonna sign the confession.



I'm taking the rap for everything.

- You're not taking the rap alone.



I'll see that Hadley signs too.



That won't be necessary.

- Excuse me.



There are two men here to see you.



It's the FBI!

Send them in here.



I don't want you to think

I'm abandoning you.



The same lawyers who drew up

this document will break it.



I'll get you a fair trial

if I have to buy out the jury.






Mr. Ramsey?



I'm Ramsey. But Jerry Webster

is responsible for Vip.



He invented it. He dreamed it up.



Is that true?

- Yes.



It's all right here. - Don't say

a word till I get the lawyers.



We don't need

lawyers here, Mr. Webster.



Now, what is your price?




- We represent the liquor industry.



How much did it take

to burn that formula?



Well, I, uh...



You don't seem to realize

what you're asking me to do.



The government'll stop you anyway.



With that candy, we lose money.

Now, name your price.



Let's see.



The liquor industry spends    million

a year in advertising. - Right.



And we're prepared

to give you   % of our billing.



You can open

your own agency with that.




- Agreed.



You're not going to give the account

to me. Give it to Mrs...



That is...



Miss Carol Templeton,

of Bracket, McGalpin & Gaines.



If that's what you want.

- It is.



Shall we?



Our attorneys will draw up

an agreement. - Fine.






Send it to San Francisco.

I'm moving to our West Coast office.



Very well.

Thank you, Mr. Webster.



Thank you.



Are you taking Mr. Webster?

- No, he's going to San Francisco.



San Francisco?






This one. This one I don't need.

Take all of these.



Oh, Pete. I'll be leaving tonight.



We'll miss you, boy.

- I'm taking Kelly with me.



If anybody can do it, you can.



Hello, Mr. Webster.



This is Milly,

Miss Templeton's secretary.



You know how you married that girl

  months ago and she annulled it?



Well, it seems there was

something she couldn't annul.



I think every man has a right to know

when he's about to become a father.



Got the marriage license.

The judge'll waive the  -day wait.



I can marry you immediately.



The ring! I haven't got it!

- Here, you can use mine.






I've been carrying it for years.

I believe in being prepared.



Carol, please listen to me.

- I will not marry you.



Now go away, I'm busy.

- Darling, I love you.



You don't. You went to California

and forgot me.



Forgot you? I sent you hundreds

of letters,   every day for   months.



And the ninth month, when I

needed you most, not a word!



I didn't know it was happening.

You sent back every letter, unopened.



If you loved me, you'd have

kept writing. - I do love you.



Please marry me!



I'll think about it. I don't want

to rush into anything.



You listen to me! You're

going to have my baby, my son...



It's my baby and I'll have

what I want: I decided on a girl.



Whatever makes you happy.

I love you both. Will you marry me?



I always wanted a church wedding.



The next baby.



Please say yes!



Oh... Yes!




- Join hands please.



We're gathered here

to unite this man and this woman...



...I trust it will

symbolize your union.



By the powers vested

in me by the state of New York,



I now pronounce you

man and wife.




That's what I call cutting it close!

Special help by SergeiK