Mad Dog And Glory Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Mad Dog And Glory script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Richard Price movie starring Bill Murray, Uma Thurman, and Robert De Niro.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mad Dog And Glory. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Mad Dog And Glory Script



- Yo, fellas, what's up?

- Same ol', same ol'.



I got eight-balls, redi-rocks, jumbos.



- I even got starter kits.

- Jumbos, two twenties.



Two twenties would be $  .



Can you break this?



I ain't no cash machine.



You laughin' at me?



No, brother. I'm just sayin'...



You laugh at this?






Get the shit.



Get the roll.



Motherfucker's so dead.



Dead all over.






You're dead too.



I tell ya, Grandpa.



This lot was full

of used cars this afternoon.



Crime scenes. Detective Pavletz.

How're you doin', Sarge?



Hold on.






"Black male...






" car...









"...and Leavitt.



"Apparent gunshot victim."



What's "apparent," Sarge?






"...fuckin' bullet holes...



" head...



"...and chest."



Good enough. All right.



Mad Dog. You're up.



Ass end of the South Side, right?



No, you got a male dead man

in the   th district. You'll find it.



Indoors or outdoors?



In a car.



Yo, Mike. You're up.



Five more minutes, Ma.



Hey, Mad Dog,

you know what I want for Christmas?



Sixteen vestal virgins.



Fix your collar.






That head-in-the-garbage-can job

last night?



I told the coroner:

"Just bring a bowling ball bag."



Mad Dog, I tell you this,

'cause your partner is brain dead.



Get me some Twinkies.



There should be a store open

a couple blocks from the scene.



It's  :   a.m., you fat fuck.



Twinkies. And a banana for this monkey.



A green one.



Hey, Mad Dog.



I got some sandwiches over here.



Just your basic dead shitskin.



Nobody's been in the car, right?

It's nice and cherry?






Brother, you fucked up.



The doer might be in the crowd.

Can you get me a group portrait?



Yeah. Let's do the street.



From the blood on the window...



...I'd say your victim got whacked here.



And your shooter was sitting

in the front passenger seat there.



Got a lot of blood in the door well...


            the door had to be open at the time.



Maybe he slipped in for a quick sale...



...and the deal went sour,

or it was rip-off time and ba-boom.



See the scorch mark over the temple?






The muzzle was no more

than three inches away.



But you see this?



Your blow-back shot a good two feet.



So the shooter's arm

will be covered with blood.



I can tell you more when we pull him out.



This blow-back, too?



- Where?

- Over there on the window.



No blood on the headrest.

Blow-back don't leap over things.



That's somebody else's.



We got a crowbar somewhere?



Hey. It's a doubleheader.



- I'll be right back.

- You're killin' him, Mad Dog.



Get him some Melba toast.



Mike, do me a favor? My name's Wayne.



"Old black magic has me in its spell



"That old black magic

that you weave so well



"Those icy fingers up and down my spine



"That same old witchcraft

when your eyes meet mine"



Got any Twinkies?






How about Melba toast?



What the hell's Melba toast, right?



Let's see...



What's that?



- A dollar.

- A dollar? What is this, a hotel lobby?



Fifty cents.



Jesus! Don't shoot him, please.



Don't shoot!



There's a crime scene down the block.

You shoot, they'll hear.



You want the money?

Just take it. Go out the back.



You take it yet?



- Did you take it yet? Jesus Christ.

- Shut up!



You want the money?






You smoke?



What do you smoke?



Take some cartons here.



- You like some candy?

- Do you like candy?



- Give him a fuckin' back rub, too.

- I said shut up!



Go out the back. You gotta go now.

You gotta go quiet, please.



Call him a cab!



Get the fuck up!






Please. Do you like Rice-A-Roni?

How about a nice Diet Sprite?



They'll hear it. I swear.

They're right down the block.



You fucker!



You all right?



Fuck off.



Call    . Say that a police officer

needs assistance.



You're a cop?



- Just do it. Tell 'em where your store is.

- This ain't my store.



It's his store.



Just do it.



"Down and down I go

Round and round I go



"In a spin

Lovin' the spin I'm in



"That old black magic called love"



- Wayne.

- Jesus.



- You okay, Wayne?

- Yeah.



What's up?



Thanks, Wayne.



Do you want a cup of coffee or something?



No, I'll go through the roof.



How about a shot of something?

It'll help you sleep.



I better just flop.



Sweet dreams.



Thanks. You, too.



"Old black magic has me in its spell



"Old black magic that you weave so well



"Those icy fingers up and down my spine



"The same old witchcraft

when your eyes meet mine



"Same old tingle that I feel inside



"And then that elevator starts its rise



"Down and down I go



"Round and around I go



"Like a leaf caught in a tide



"I should stay away but what can I do



"I hear your name and I'm aflame



"Flame, burnin' desire



"That only your kiss



"Put out the fire"



That's the first time

I've pulled out my gun in    years.



And I pissed on myself.



You know why?



Because you're a sensitive,

intelligent individual.



You ever piss on yourself?



I'd have walked in

and drilled the red-eyed bastard.



That's just the way I am.



But if I had an intelligent thought,

it would die of loneliness...


            it all evens out.

You know what I mean?



Let me tell you somethin'.



Next time that happens,

you're that scared...



...the best thing is sex.



You're all adrenalized,

you'll go off like a rocket.



Give me a break, will you?



If I was you last night,

I would have called...



...every broad I knew

who wasn't related to me by blood.



Wayne. On me.



No. Just a pinch in here.



Thanks, Tom.



They get the guy?



They know who he is.

He ain't goin' nowhere. They never do.



Now here's a guy

with one abiding principle in his life.






To always refuse to testify...



...on the grounds that it may

tend to incriminate him.






Chivas and milk.



Put that on my tab, Tommy.



You ready? Let's go.



No, I'm off tonight.



Really? You got somethin' on?



No, I'll just play it by ear.



That was balls up what you did last night.

Don't kid yourself.



Thanks, Tom. I'll call you later.



Are you Wayne?



Who are you?






I was over to your apartment.

You weren't there.



I work for my boss...



...and he asked me to find you

to invite you to this thing tonight.



It's free with this.



The Comic-Cazie Club.



You also get a free drink.



Who's your boss?



He said not to say, but that you know him

and he'd really like to talk to you.



Don't worry. It's not a bad thing.

It's a good thing.



Who is he, Harold?



It don't start till about   :     :  ...



...but I can come by later

and pick you up if you want.



No thanks. I'll pass.



That other cop? Your friend?



He's very sarcastic.



Hold it!



Don't move!



Don't even breathe.



Call it in, Fredo.



Now, Fredo.



Hey, I'm the greatest

piece of ass in the world.



I'm ballin' this chick.

The planet's fuckin' moving.



Until she said:

"Honey, that was an earthquake."



Nice place, isn't it?



Give him a coffee and cognac.



Comin' up.



Show her your comp.



- Decaf, please.

- Right.



Who's your boss?



That's decaf, right?



I'm sorry!



I'm sorry.



Can't you use a clean napkin or somethin'?



I'm sorry.



- Okay?

- No problem.



Take it with you.



You're wasting time.



Ever notice that all male nightclub singers

do this when they come out?



"Everything's gonna be okay



"As soon as I get my neck fixed"



Moving right along. And now...



... from Melrose Park,

the land of razor-cut hair...



... I.D. Bracelets and velour car interiors...



... the comedy stylings of Frank Milo,

ladies and gentlemen. Dig it.



Yo, Frankie!



Cosa Nostra.



"Our Thing."



"Our Thing, my ass.



"Cosa Nostra"is Italian

for cheap bastards."



The only thing cheaper

than a hood is a cop.



Cops. Forget about it.



They squeeze the nickel

till the buffalo shits.



Cosa Nostra babies.



Other babies, they're born,

they cry, they go: "Wa-wa."



Our kids, they cry.



They go:






My friend, Angie.



Angie's father was on his deathbed.



He calls his sons to him and says:



"Put $    in my coffin each year...



"... in case, you know,

you can take it with you."



The guy dies.



Angie's two brothers

put in their yard each.



Angie drops in a check for $   

and takes out the cash.



That fuckin' Angie!



When did Angie's father die?






There he is.



They takin' care of you tonight?



Yeah, thanks.



Don't let 'em schlong you on tips.



I told my therapist about you.

About what happened.



And she said that I was

a real suicidal asshole, and...





            fact, I was probably very scared...



...and was just resorting to macho bullshit

like I'm programmed to.



And that what you did...



...was very brave and compassionate...



...and that I should both

apologize to you and thank you.



Hey, Frank.



Isn't that Phil Donahue?



Put the magazine down

before you hurt yourself, okay, Harold?



Are you married?



Not personally, no.



Me neither.



Are you really connected?



I know guys. Guys know me.



I put money on the street, people know

to pay me back on time as a rule.



They call me '"Frank, The Money Store.'"



You hear of me?






I suppose that's good.



But my therapist says I crave recognition

more than actual accomplishment.



Maybe that's why I do stand-up.



What the hell? I own the club.



What do you think of my act?



I heard two Buddy Hackett jokes,

a Pat Cooper and a half a Lenny Bruce.



Another thing. You know, I was...



...watching you lash out at people.



Sometimes you should aim in.



Make a joke at your own expense.

Otherwise it looks...



...kind of like it...



...comes off kind of hostile,

you know what I mean?



That's Phil fuckin' Donahue.



Let the body heat coming up

through your hand warm up the cognac.



Give it a little swirl.



All right, take a little sniff.



Nice, right?



Okay, take a sip. But hold it.



Don't gulp it. Just let it leak back

down your throat.



- I know how to drink cognac.

- Okay.



Hello. Not now.






My wife thinks fucking and cooking

are two cities in China.



I thought you said you weren't married.



- Where'd you hear that?

- I just made that up.



- Bullshit.

- Go ahead, use it.



Don't ever fuck with me.



Don't ever lie to me...



...disrespect me, underestimate me.



If you do, your life becomes a raging sea.



But come to me like a man...



...with your eyes open, head up, hand out...



...then I become more than a friend,

more than a shoulder.



I become the expediter of your dreams.



That's beautiful.



Get the hell in the car, Wayne.



What if it rains?



I wish I was a handsome man.






I wish I was brave.



I wish I was...



I wish I had...



...real guts.



Wayne, you wish you were a brave,

handsome man?



No offense,

but that sounds a little immature.



Sure, I wish a lot of things, but...



You don't know. Nobody...

You don't know.



You don't always talk

to other guys like this, do you?



What'd I say?



- Nothin'.

- What'd I say?






You're really good, man.



I wish I was a real photographer.



I don't mean police work.

I don't mean weddings.



- I mean...

- You mean like an artist.



I get this feeling. Me and you...



...we both wanna be someplace else.

Know what I mean?



Not me.



Okay. Not you.



This guy looks like William Holden.



I went to see this group show

with photographers...



...and I hit it off with a lady in the show.



I met all her friends in the lofts and all.



Then I showed her my stuff,

and this guy says to me:



"What do you think about being an artist?"



I said: "Yeah, sure, but the only thing is...



"...there's no pension, there's no security,

there's no major medical."



Nobody laughed.



But as soon as I said it, you know

what I thought? "I'm just a cop."



I'm a real civil servant.

That's the way I think, like a civil servant.



But these people, they're artists.



They're special. They take chances.



Chances. You're a fuckin' policeman.



What kind of chances

do you think they're takin'?



That the goddamn sushi might be tainted?



No! Look, it's different.



Look. Either you understand

what I'm sayin' or you don't.



Are you mad at me? I'm on your side.



No, look. Even she said it.



My stuff comes out of the job.

The job is the truth of it.



The all of it.



I don't create stuff. I find stuff.



Anyway, she was pretty nice about it.



A nice person. I liked her.



- She was nice.

- She sounds like a bitch.



Hey, Frank. Bobby Gee.



Yeah, so I noticed.



He looks good.



If you know what I mean.



Wayne, I'm gonna go home.



Wait a second.



My wife...



...they should cross her with a...



...Macintosh PC.



Get a computer...



...that never goes down.



This is good.



That's a nasty burn.



I'll have someone take care of it.



No, it doesn't even hurt.



Hey, the shooter?



I know who he is. The net's closing.



"The net's closing"?



I like that. "The net's closing."



I'm the expediter of your dreams, pal.



No, not me, brother. I'm flush.



You're "flush"? "The net's closing"?



- Hi?

- Yeah.



My name is Glory.



I'm the one who spilled the coffee

on you last night?



- Yeah, the bartender.

- Yeah.



Frank told me to come by and...



...take care of your hand.



Frank from last night?

He told you to do that?



Can I...



...your hand?






This is really stupid, I know.









Frank wanted me to stay.






Make sure it heals properly.

Change the bandage and all.



Change the bandage?



Whatever. I'll run down,

get more ointment.



Oh, yeah? How long did Frank...



- How long did he imagine this would be?

- A week.



Frank said a week.



Look, it's not what you think.



It's not a sex thing.






Just let me sit down. Please?



How's the coffee?



It's so rich. I can't believe it's instant.

How's your hand?






You know I'm a cop, right?



So I've been told.



Anyways, I have to go to work now.



So, I'll stay here?



This is my house, so...



I'm not gonna steal anything.



Look, what's Frank's phone number?



Talk to me before you talk to Frank, okay?



Look, you saved his life.

He wants me to be your friend for a week.



That's all, I swear.



I'm like a thank-you present.



I'm like a seven-day singing telegram.

I'm like one of those people...



...that comes to your door

in a gorilla suit with balloons.



Stop. Look, I gotta get outta here.



I work straight through the night.

I come back at  :    :    :   a.m.



No problem.



- There's a TV.

- Great. Thanks.



Refrigerator's in the kitchen.



And outside is downstairs.



Yeah, if you have a key.



Look, I'm really sorry about this.



We'll straighten everything out

when I come back.






Jimmy, come take a look at this.



Over there right now.

Are you awake, fellas?



The net of justice closes in.



Oh, Jesus.



That's my shooter.



- That was your fault, baby!

- My fault?



Why is it my fault?



Because you are really

into pressing that red button!



- No, I'm not.

- You like that shit, huh?



- I'm trying to make you something nice.

- Make me somethin' nice?



- I'm sorry, okay?

- "Sorry goddamn don't get it!



Sorry is for shits!

Sorry is what that fuckin' meal is!



I would have cleaned for you

but I couldn't find any dirt.



- It's time to go. Come on, get up.

- Why? Hey!



Why? Because you people

got me surrounded, that's why.



- So here's your bag. Come on.

- What are you talkin' about?



- Frank maybe killed somebody last night.

- Frank?



If Frank was involved in something,

he's not involved.



- He's a million miles away.

- I'll tell you about "involved."



I buddy up to a guy one night,

he maybe kills someone the next.



It comes out I got drunk with the shooter,

I got his girl in my house.



That is involved.



I swear I don't know

what you're talking about.



Good-bye. Let's go. Come on.



You don't understand!

There's a penalty system here.



For who? Me?



No, for me.



You send me back, I'll be into him forever.



Why? You owe him?



I don't know what happened last night.

I don't get involved with Frank's mess.



- But you owe him?

- It's complicated.



Complicated? Complicated, like how?



Complicated, like how?



Talk to me. This is my house.

Complicated, like how?



"If there's a cash-flow problem,

I'll take it in trade." He ever say that?



My brother had the cash-flow problem,

and I'm the trade.



I do what Frank wants

until my brother's in the clear.



You do whatever Frank wants like what?



He said to be your friend for a week.

You saved his life! That's all I know!



You send me back,

he'll tell me I screwed up...



...add two months, six months.



With Frank, you can't argue.

You can't fight.



You can't hide.



So can you help me out here?



Can I stay?



Why are you bangin' on my door?



You're makin' a lot of noise.

What's goin' on?



Are you the sheriff?



- I wanna see Lee.

- Fuck off.



- You okay?

- I'll snap it off at the ankle.



- It's okay.

- Are you sure?



Move your foot, shit bird.



I'm a police officer.



Wayne, we were just arguing in here.

Everything's okay.



- You're a police officer. Really?

- Yeah.



Guess what?



I'm on to you!



What can you do, you know?



At least you gave it a shot.



Yeah, you know, whatever.



Do you want me to make you some tea?



No, thanks.






It's going great.



Frank, I swear.



We haven't stopped laughing

since I came in the door.



He's tickled pink.



No, he can't come to the phone right now.

He's out.



At work.



Frank, that's none of your business.



I have to... I'll call you back.



Gotta go. Phone's ringing.



The other phone, okay?



Hi. Did I wake you?






So, you gave walking tours in school?



- What'd you study, history, real estate?

- Acting.



Like everybody and his cousin.



I gave tours to make the rent, but then...



...I got into tending bar

because it paid better.



Opened up my days

for more classes, auditions.



You ask a bartender or waiter

around here: "What do you do? "



They say: "I'm an actor," "I'm a singer,"

"I'm a student," "I'm a writer."



After a couple of years,

you have to be honest with yourself.



I'm a bartender, waiter...






Life is what happens to you while

you're waitin' for your ship to come in.



Cops are lucky in that way.



It's hard confusing a cop

with anything else.



I mean, a cop's a cop. The end.



I was working as a bartender

in a club Frank owned.



I knew Frank put money on the street.



So I put my brother together with Frank.



Going to Frank is like taking heroin

to cure an alcohol problem, you know?



My brother can't make his payments.

Frank starts taking over.



He fires everybody, puts in his own people.



He orders through the corporation.



Steaks, liquor, kitchen equipment.



All to re-sell on his own

'cause he's a silent partner, right?



He's not liable anyhow.



Next thing I know,

my brother slit his wrists...



...and his wife's ready

to run away with his kids.



So I go to Frank and say:

"Leave my brother alone.



"I'll do anything you want."





            brother's a waiter now.



At least he's alive and sort of intact.



- So what do you do for him?

- This, that, the other.



Like what?



What's the difference?



- Okay, here you are.

- Thank you.



Could you smile a little?

Hold my hand or something?



- Go home.

- Home?



Just take the keys, and I'll be there soon.



Listen, I'm a cop,

and I don't like to be followed...



...and I don't like her bein' followed.



Frank just wants to make sure

that you're happy.



Are you happy?



I get paid either way.






I said go home.



I wanted to wait for you.



Okay, let's go.



- Can I tell you something?

- I gotta go.



Give me five minutes.



Go ahead. I'll be there.



They found the gun that did your shooter.



- Where?

- On some other dead mutt.



Bullshit. He got taken out by Frank Milo.

He probably did this guy, too.



Left the gun with the body

so it looks like a solve.



It's a solve and nobody gives a shit.



Two dead mutts in Muttland.

 :  . Time to go home.



It's a plant.



Who was the babe?



A friend.






What happened to the girl next door? Lee.



She's a nice lady.

This one's a little too fast for you, no?



- You okay? What's the matter?

- Nothin'.



Hey, that's the one.



Jesus, look at that shiner.



Looks like that dog on The Little Rascals.

Who was it, Petey?



She's getting smacked around.



By him?



I had a talk with him. The guy's on the job.



He's on the job? So fuckin' what?

You had a talk with him?






He's an asshole.



Oh, yeah?



Hold this, please.



How're you doin', Sis? This is my sister.



- Yeah?

- Yeah.



What, did you walk into a door, Sis?



Did she walk into a door?



- You're not fuckin' hittin' her, are you?

- It's okay.



- What is your fucking problem?

- Tommy, I need your towel.



Slip your piece under the towel.

Tommy will hold it for you till after.



Come on, you fuckin' hump.



Come on, you hero.

I want a taste of you. Let's go.



I got no beef with you.



Slip your piece under the towel.



I got no beef with you.



Are you sweet? Is that your problem?



- Come on, I'm on the job.

- You ain't on my fuckin' job.



Hey, come on.



You lost her address, her phone number.

Can't even remember what she looks like.






- Yeah, right.

- What's her name?



I don't know, okay?



Don't even turn around to say good-bye.



Hey. Chivas and milk.

I never forget a neck.



You should try that shit

with me sometime.



Yeah? Different strokes for different folks.



No guts, no glory, right?



- Smoke, smoke.

- What?



You mean pot, crack?



Get smart with me

and I'll bust a cap in your ass.



You wanna do Dodge City with me?



- You crazy?

- Crazy? I'm a fuckin' mad dog!



Oh, Jesus.



Frank, you're making him strong again.



- Where were you?

- What do you do for him?



- Who, Frank?

- Frank.



- I tend bar.

- Tend bar. What else?



- Deliver things.

- What things?



- Some pretty weird shit.

- Like what?



Once I took this box up to a guy in Detroit.



I took the Greyhound. So I'm sitting

on the bus six hours, wondering.



I go into the bathroom in the back.



I open the box, look inside.



There was a human hand in there

with manicured nails and a wedding band.



I almost died.



I get up to Detroit.



I deliver it to a guy in a bowling alley.



This guy, he opens the box, looks inside...



...and he gives me a tip

like I was delivering take-out.



- You sleep with him?

- With Frank?



- I don't think he has sex.

- He make you sleep with anybody else?






He's got girls for that.



"The Frank Milo Dancers," he calls them.



So you never had to sleep

with anybody else.



One time, the guy from the bowling alley...



...he came into town, asked for me, and...



...Frank said I had to go out with him,

but what happened was up to me.



What happened was he was a lot

physically stronger than me, so...



I survived.



Oh, Jesus. She survived.



What about me? What if I get horny?



You're a thank-you present, right?



Why is the worst a guy can imagine

happening to a woman...


            she fucks another guy?



That's not what I'm drivin' at.



- What are you drivin' at?

- I don't know. So there.



I do what I can for people,

but I'm no warrior, I'm no hero. Sorry.



I'm not asking you to save me, Wayne.



So, you need to be saved, right?



Tell me. You need to be saved, right?



For the next five days, let's just pretend

we're your basic, normal couple.



- Normal.

- Watch TV.



TV. Right.



Frank! Stop it! Stop the machine!



Don't pull that switch!



Could you put your arm around me?



- Where's Varsdic?

- He said he'd blow up the dam.



If you don't wanna do anything,

that's okay.



I'll go with that.



- Okay, I don't wanna do anything.

- Good. That's okay.



You're a sweet man, you know that?



No kiddin'. If you don't wanna do it...


           's okay.



Open your lips.



I know how to kiss.



You know, I should do some sit-ups.



- Right now?

- No, I mean in general.



Are you my hero? Are you my man?



You're a sweet man.



- Watch out for next time.

- Fair enough.



I haven't made love in two years.



"Made love." I like that.



You talk like someone

out of the Round Table days.



Sir Lancelot.






The thing about photographing death...



...there's no dignity in death.



The body can't defend itself.



Can't pull its skirt down.



Can't close its mouth.



Cops are walkin' around the crime scene,

everything's a joke.



What you're photographing on the job

is the worst kind of helplessness.



You know why I became a cop?



My father, his whole life,

was a sales clerk in a hat store.



A real invisible man. Spent his whole life

takin' shit from people.



I was afraid I'd end up like him.



I panicked and became a policeman.



Kinda overreacted, you know?



It's so quiet.



I can't believe I'm here with you.



One time, about  :   a.m.,

I was right here lookin' down this street.



I'm lookin' right down, swear to God.

You know what I see?



A goddamn deer is standing there

at that intersection down there.



I couldn't believe it.

I almost had a heart attack.



I don't know where it came from.



Maybe it swam from Indiana,

escaped from the zoo...



...but there it was, this deer.



Me and this deer at  :   a.m.



Let me show you that photo of the deer.



- Would you photograph me?

- No, you don't want that.



With the people I photograph

it would be bad luck.



- Come on.

- No way. Sorry.



- Come on.

- No, it would freak me out.



Where the hell did I put it?






All right.



Smile for the birdie.



Do me.



It's so weird,

you wearing a gun to work every day.



- I keep forgetting, you know.

- Hey, no guts, no glory.



You see? I told you, Wayne.



This food can kill you.



Waiter says guy walks in, comes up...



...bop, bop, back of the head,

walks right out.



Gangland, USA. Gino Coraldi

was sitting down to some calamari.



He'd just stolen the account books

of Alphonse "The Wolf" Lupo.



He felt like celebrating.



Louis Prima! The best!



What do you think is the motive here?



"When the end comes I know

they'll say just a gigolo



"Life goes on without me 'cause



"I ain't got nobody"



Did you get laid last night?



I don't get laid. I make love.



Thank you.



Hi, White.



- Hey, Mike.

- I swear to God, it's true.



Then my friend, Phil.



He applies to the police department.



Interviewer says: "Mr. Scarangelo,

what's your height? "



Philly reads off his palm:

"Six foot, three inches."



Guy says: "What's your weight?"



"    pounds."



Guy says: "And can you tell me

your first name?"



Philly goes:






The interviewer says: "What was that

you did with your head like that?"



Philly goes:



"Happy birthday to you"



That's nothin'.



I said to my wife:



"Did you ever hear of cleaning, cooking?"



She says: "Two cities in China?"



My wife said this!



Hey! There he is!



I just come by.



I went in on a bakery.



Pineapple-sour cream.






- You look drawn.

- What are you doing here?



I don't know. Harold said

you didn't seem so happy the other day.



I was in the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd check in with you.



So how's it goin'?



- How's that burn on your hand?

- Doing fine.



- Nice-nice?

- Fine.



The gift that keeps on givin'.



What's wrong?






She's yankin' your chain, right?



Messin' with your head?



Sure. Look at you.



Givin' you sob stories, I bet.



I don't know what you're talking about.



Then quit givin' me that look, Ma.



I'm your sonny boy.



Want me to sing for you?



May I?



I gotta go.



I'm doing Comic-Cazie tomorrow.

You should come.



Unless you're busy.



What the fuck is he doin' here?



I don't know.



- That's the guy I told you about.

- Fuck you. And who are you?



This is Frank.



Frank Milo?



You've heard of me?






Wayne says you killed that mutt we found

in the garbage can the other night.



I thought you'd heard of me in the clubs.



You know, comic circles.



No, just scumbag circles. Sorry.



Jesus Christ.



Wayne, is this what's troublin' you?



I'm kinda jammed up here, Frank.



I thought we were friends.






Two guys who wished

they were someplace else.






All right, I'll come by...



...let's see, tonight's Thursday.



I'll come by, pick her up Monday.



Okay? Monday morning.



See you, Ma.



And incidentally...



...I don't know what you're talkin' about.

A guy in a garbage pail, but...



...most of the people I know

who don't die in bed...



...they usually wind up killing themselves.



Pick who up Monday?



What's up, man?



I don't know.






What are you trying to pull now?



Frank, hi.



I want you out of there by Monday.



No more head trips on this chump...



...or you will be the one with the problem.



He's not a chump, okay?



I told you I was doin' you

a big favor with this.



I hate it when people

take advantage of my favors.



Taking advantage? Come on, Frank.



And then I'm gonna do you

one more big favor.



And this'll be about the last thing

you do for me.



It's for a friend of a friend from Detroit.



Thanks, Frank.



I'll be there.



Whatever happens is up to me.

Where have I heard that before?



I'm not...



I'm not giving you lip.



I'm sorry.



When have I not been good company?






What? You got a date

from Detroit comin' up?



It's not till next week.



We still have three fun-filled days

and nights here.



Let's make the most of it, okay?



You're not goin' back to him.



It's not the end of the world.



Yeah, it is.



I love you.



There's nothing you can do about it.



- What can you do about it?

- I said I love you.



I don't want another one of those.



It wasn't her fault.



Hey. Your pal, what's his name, Frank?



He sent it over.

I saved two pieces in the fridge for you.



Yeah, what is he, a baker?



He's killin' me with this crap.






Are you doing anything urgent on Monday?



What time?



"One floor below me. You don't even

know me. I love you



"On the ceiling if you want me



"If the answer is no



"Means you'll meet me in the hallway



"Twice on the pipe



"Means you ain't gonna show"



Occifer, what's the word?



Nothin' much.



She comin' down?



Where's she gonna fit?

Looks like a full boat.



She can sit on my lap.



She comin' down?



You wouldn't believe what happened

this week. It's crazy, man.



- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.



Listen, I'm serious.



We're in love.



And I think we're gonna live together.



Maybe even get married. Who knows?



I'm serious. I swear to God.



That's life, you know?



"That's life." Fuckin' Wayne.



You give him a hand,

he takes the whole arm.



Bring her down, Wayne.



I love her.



You love her.



I own her!



I knew it, I knew it!



Didn't I call it right on the nose

when I saw you in the office?



You're a schmuck if you don't think

she's playing you like a violin right now.






Fuckin' women. You can't live with 'em.

You can't kill 'em.



Okay, if you want...


            can assume the debt.



- Assume the debt?

- Yeah.



Be my friend.



For what, I don't exactly know.

You're a cop.



Maybe somethin', maybe nothin'.



You want me to forget about her,

for the next year...



...if I call you,

you have to pick up the phone.



That I can live with.



- I can't do that.

- Then send her down.



I can't do that either.






- Hello.

- How're you doin'?



Good. And you?



I'm good.



Are you heeled?



Did they ever catch the guy

who did the shithead in the garbage can?



"She don't love you



"Like I love you"



Watch the glass door, asshole!



Who's up there, Wayne?



I love her.



Jesus Christ.



Come on. Let's go see.



You always get someone else

to fight your fights for you?



Who am I to talk, right? You okay, Harold?



Since wild horses couldn't get you

to tell me where she is...



Stop me if I'm wrong.



This is the best I can do for you.



Now, the cash value

of her services to me...



...projected over one year...



...would be   ...



...$     .



You wanna buy her?



$     ?



The Money Store is gonna run

a founder's day sale.



$     .



No. You saved my life.



You can have her...



...for $     .



$     ?



If you don't have it,

you can borrow it from me.



You can pay me back

with a personal services contract.



Fuck you.



Fuck me? Okay.



Fuck me then.



Go to your credit union, go to your bank...



...go to Household Finance,

go to your mother.



You got three days.



I want $      or I want Glory.



This shit today, Wayne?



This was fuckin' Romper Room.



You like baseball?



You get this straight with me,

I'll take you to some Sox games.



I got a season's box.



$      in three, chief.



That guy bites.



- It's over.

- Wait a minute.



- He backed off?

- He's history.



I owe you one. I owe you ten.



- What the hell's goin' on?

- Nothin'. It's complicated.



Welcome to the world.



Mike, he's a businessman.

He wants to stay in business.



He's fightin' with cops.

There's no percentage in that.



That's it.



Thanks, man.



So, I'm really out of here?



Out of here?



You know what I mean. Am I free?



I can hop on a plane and vanish?



If that's what you wanted to do.



No, I'm just sayin'. Hypothetically.



In a few days you can go to the moon and

take cooking classes, for all Frank cares.



In a few days? Why not now?



He asked me to ask you

to sit tight a few days...


            he can take care of loose ends.

- Loose ends?



You know, he said he had to get coverage

for that guy from Detroit.



It's a steal. The guy said $     

on his desk by Wednesday.



He'll sell for $     

with a personal mortgage...



...between us for the rest.



The guy's desperate. The house

must be worth at least $      .



I just have to make the $     .



Lake Zurich.



- What the hell you gonna do up there?

- Nothing. I'll flip it.



Lend me $    

I'll give you back $     when I flip it.



I don't have it.



Don't you even wanna know what it's for?






It's for this real dream house

up in Lake Zurich.



How much does he want for her?



More than I got.



You gonna help me or not?



He ain't gettin' my money. Sorry.



How much am I goin' for?



- $     .

- That all?



Knocked down from $     .



Must be out of season.



- Where'd you get it?

- Doesn't matter.



I could only get $     .

You think he'll come down more?



Jesus Christ.



I just thought of somethin'.



This thing comes off, people say to you:

"Where'd you get the blond?"



Say: "From The Money Store,

marked down from $      to $     ."



No, I'd never say that.



I'm going home, Wayne.

Tell Frank to pick me up at home.



I just spent a year

being somebody's property.



Now you're gonna buy me?



No, I'm asking you. Stay with me.



Frank kept you, not me.

I'm not him. I'm asking you.



If you wanna get some air,

it's okay, I understand.



I'm not stopping you. It's okay.



I can't go through with this.

Save your money. Take it.



Take it.



Don't be a stranger.



I got a sense of déjà vu.



Me, too.



You got the money?



- Nope.

- Right.



Now I gotta get my big fuckin' ape

to go up and get her?



Maybe she's there, maybe she's not, right?



Guess what.



I'm not even gonna deal

with that right now.



I told you once before...



...don't ever disrespect me.

Don't ever underestimate me.



If you do, your life becomes a raging sea.



Get in the car.



- Get in the car.

- What are you doing? I'm a cop.



You're shit.



What's up, Mad Dog?



The  th Cavalry.



What's that make us,

the friggin' Comanches?



You think we're gonna have

a big street fight now?



We'll go away. But you know what?



We'll get her. Somebody'll get her.



A hit and run, a mugging.



Do you know what botulism is?



We can get her with soup.



Get you, too.






...happen all the time.



Then let's end it today.



Fine. Bring her down.



No. I can't be alone anymore.

I'd rather be dead.



That's your fuckin' problem.



Come on, you and me.



- You and me?

- Now. Right now.



- Grow up.

- Please!



I'll fuckin' kill you! I don't care!



- I don't care!

- Hey, Wayne!



- I'll fuckin' kill you right now!

- Wayne, take it easy.



- I'll shoot you and eat my fuckin' gun!

- Are you fuckin' nuts?



- Fight me!

- Come on, Wayne!



Come on, Wayne. It's a girl.



- Fight me for her!

- Put it down.



- That's playground.

- Fight me for her!



- It's getting real crazy here.

- Fight me!



Wayne, come on, man.



- Wayne.

- Now!



Okay. Put it down.



Put it down.



- Put it down.

- I'm puttin' it down!



Come on, man. Put it down.



Get him, Frank!



Wayne, get that piece of shit!



- Come on, Wayne!

- Hit him!



Hit him, Wayne!



Fuckin' A, Frank! Get him again!



- You fuckin' piece of garbage!

- Hit him, Frankie!



- Kick him, Frankie! Go ahead!

- Get him, Wayne!



She's just a piranha!



Look what she's doin' to us...


            our friendship, man!

- Then quit.



You're down. Stay down.



Stay down, Wayne.



Kill him, Wayne! Don't let him up!



Stop it! This is stupid!



He'll kill you sooner or later.



I'm goin' with him. Come on, Frank.



- No! No!

- It's not up to you!



- Come on!

- No, you're not!



- Yes, I am!

- No, you're not! It's over!



It's not over till he says it's over, Wayne.



Come on, Frank.



Come on, let's go.



Shut up.



Take her and choke on her.






I wash my hands on both of you.



It will make my therapist very happy.



The expediter of your dreams, pal.



Kill that fuckin' cop.



Frankie, what's the matter with you?



Come on, break it up, for Christ's sake!



That's enough!



What about accidents?



You're the fuckin' accident.



Do you see who I run with?



This is my life.



I lost a fuckin' tooth.






I thought we might wind up bein' friends,

me and you.



Let's go.



- You all right?

- Yeah.



Way to go, Mad Dog.



What are you gonna do?



Let's go home.



Come on.



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