Mafia! Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Mafia! script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Godfather spoof movie starring Jay Mohr, Christina Applegate, etc.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mafia!. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Mafia! Script



Life's an enigma, a puzzle, a confusing

struggle between right and wrong...



good and evil, truth and deceit.



You could drive yourself crazy

trying to figure it out.



But I know one thing for sure:



You're just buying someone else's

headaches when you get a used car.



Stop that run! Stop that run!



Night and day



You are the one



Only you beneath the moon



Before I got myself blown up...



Anthony Cortino was one of the most

powerful men in Las Vegas.



I ran the Peppermill, the flashiest,

most profitable casino in Nevada.



Hey, Barry.

Keep the car.



I drove the hottest cars,

hung out with the biggest stars...



dated the sexiest babes.



- Watch your head.

- I was set.



Night and day

Why is it so



I had created paradise on Earth...



and all because I ate, slept

and breathed gambling.






- Loser. Seven out.

- Stack 'em right.



I was a gambler's gambler--

a guaranteed winner.



- That's just the way it was.

- Go fish.



The Peppermill meant cash. The money was

comin' in so fast we couldn't count it.



Watch these guys.

I think they're stealin' towels.



- And it all went right

to the family, tax-free.

- Back to yellow. You lose.



The high rollers, the slot junkies,

the vacationers from the Midwest...



all came certain they could win...



- that this was their shot at a miracle.

- Place your bets.



It's all been arranged just for us

to get your money.



Let me see. Uh, two.



That's the truth about Las Vegas:



I'm sorry.

I was thinking of three.



The Mafia is a high-overhead machine,

and somebody's gotta pick up the tab.



- House wins.

Place your bets and guess again.

- Three.



To the bosses, I was a cash register.



All they had to do was to ring the bell

and take the money.



One, two, three, four.



- Back down the chute.

- Whoa!



Fixed fights, doped horses,

locked-in point spreads.



- I had the cake pouring in.

- Come on, baby!



But nothing brought it in faster

and in bigger bundles than the casino.



- I'll get these. You get those.

- I'll get those! You got those?



- Yeah. You get these over here.

- All right, I got these.

- Whose are those?



This was the end result of all

of the bright lights and glitter.



- Booze, broads and free hotel suites

for the high roller...

- Put your backs to it, men.



cheap drinks and all-you-can-eat buffets

for the everyday sucker.



The smart ones just send us the money

and save on plane fare.



I think of you



Day and night



I said, night and day



Under the hide of me



- All right, move' em out. Let's go.

- There's, oh, such a hungry yearnin'



It's burnin' inside



If we had our own printing press

we couldn't have done any better.



I made the Mafia happy, and the bosses

knew just how to spread the influence.



But life is an enigma.

I never planned for any of this.



And I'll lay you eight-to-five

when he was a kid back in Sicily...



my father, Vincenzo Cortino...



never thought his life would turn out

the way it did either.









Wow! The colours!

Great shit!



The categories are:

the Chinese Theatre,



Female Firsts...



Documents, please.



The white zone

is for white people only.



That's right, one at a time.

Papers, please.



- Move along, sir.

- But we had reservations.



Next. Name?



- That's right, ma'am, your name.

- Sir, over here.



What's your name, boy?



- Step up, please.

- You next.



- Armani Windbreaker.

- Cortino.



Fine. Read this.

Stand over there.



- Next.

- Clamato!



Dominick Clamato!



I'm lookin' for Dominick Clamato!



- Sweat shop. Cheap wages.

- Clamato!



I'm lookin' for Dominick Clamato!



- Don't say nothin'.

- Dominick Clamato!






- Where is your family?

- Family? No.



- Alone.

- That is so sad.



But when I close my eyes tight

I can picture them here.



When you squeeze your eyes closed,

do you see lots of things, eh...



- Rectangles?

- No.



All I ever see

are those long, floaty things.



Ah. Eye worms.



In Sicily the peasants

used to get them...



by eating raw pork

and then rubbing their eyes.



Once the worms

get inside your eyeball...



it's just a matter of days before

they eat their way into your brain.



Then you shit yourself

and die in a most embarrassing way.



Rosa was not very attractive

by ltalian standards.



- Rosa, come.

- Hardly any body hair.



Come on.






Thanks for carryin' my luggage, pal.

I'll take my gun.



Don't be a fool.

Cops don't help our kind.



In this country,

we gotta look out for ourselves.




-Give me your money. Give me your money!



- Use the gun.

- No.



I will use my brain.

It is as big as any bullet.



- You won't look so pretty

without a nose.

- Why don't you pick a nose

your own size?



Look at you.

You're just a boy.



Think you can stop me?




- I'll outsmart you.

- Oh, yeah?



Then answer me this:

A rooster sits on the peak of a roof.



It lays an egg.

Which side will the egg roll down?



The left--

No, the right.



- I don't know.

- Neither, my friend.



Roosters don't lay eggs.



This was no ordinary kid.



I had a feeling

we'd be seeing a lot of each other.



Stay in school.



Thank you.

I don't even know your name.



Uh, Vincenzo. Vincenzo

Armani Windbreaker Cortino. You?



I'm Rosa Versace Blue Blazer

And Matching Skirt Pantuzzi.



- Are you from Sicily too?

- No. Milano.



My father was in the military.

A lancer.



- Bengal Lancer?

- No, a boil lancer. One of the best.



But then one day

there were no more boils.



He turned to drink.

We lost him at a Grateful Dead concert.



Look! A falling star!



They say that if two people meeting

for the first time see a falling star...



their wish will come true.



Make a wish, Vincenzo.



I believe in America.



I raised my daughter

in American fashion.



One day she went to see a man.



He got her alone in a room.



Held her down in a chair.



When she resisted,

he stuck her with a needle.



Then, when she was helpless...



he took pliers and...



Look at her, Don Cortino.




I'm familiar with this Dr Mendelbaum.

He's not a dentist, he's a butcher.



Put caps on the Turteltaub twins.



I saw them.

They looked like beavers.



In fact, I have

a cord of wood they cut.



I'm all set for the winter.






Ah. I found my keys.



I must own a car.



A beautiful girl, Don Cortino.



A daughter who has brought only

happiness into our home for    years.




Can't really blame the boy.



Die, you bastard.



What is it you request?



Uh, that's my bad ear.



No, I was wrong.

This must be the bad ear.



Don Cortino, I want justice

for my Angelina.



All right, Bonifacio, all right.



I will do this thing for you.



Thank you, Godfather.



Thank you.



Diane was my first love.

We were made for each other.



About the only disagreement we ever had

was when I went to war.



While I was off fighting, she was

working for the world peace movement.



But despite all that, when I got home

she was there to greet me.



I guess she was a sucker

for a guy in uniform.



Oh, Anthony, I'm so nervous

about meeting your family.



- If they don't like me, I'll just die.

- Hey! Tony!



Big war hero.



- I got you a souvenir.

- No.



Oh, wow. A North Korean.



Tony-- I mean, I do--

I don't know what to say.



I want you to meet Diane.

Diane, this is Dominick Clamato,

my father's most trusted friend.



- Hi.

- Bella.






Hey, you guys,

look at what Tony brung me.



I'll bet you never seen

one of these before.



Anthony, isn't that Cesar Marzoni? The

man's a criminal. What's he doing here?



Maybe he does business

with my father.



What are you saying?



Look, I'm not my father, Diane,

just as you're not your father.



If we were our fathers, what we did last

night would only be legal in Arkansas.






Some champagne, sir?



It was like I never left.



- These were the faces I grew up with.

- Good to see you, Anthony.



It wasn't just me and Joey and Pop.



- It was Frankie Totino,

- Look who's here.



Hey, Anthony, welcome back.



- "Fatso" Paulie Orsatti,

- Try the veal picatta.



who was Benny "Big Features'" brother--

he controlled the unions.



- Then you had Nick Molinaro,

who ran the North Side;

- Hey! How ya doin'?




"The King of Big Screen TV" DeNuzio.



Yo, Tony, I'll knock    percent

off that Trinitron for you.



- There was AI "The Mailbox" Faducci,

- Miller Lite.



- Johnny Love...

- Who's the pretty girl?



and Charlie "Big Red-Ass Baboon

On His Head" Petrella.



Catch you later.



The Don'll see you now, Mr Gorgoni.



- Pop, this is Sal Gorgoni.

- Don Cortino.



It is a honour to be in the presence

of such a great man.



Your flattery brings a redness

to my hair.






Very fresh.



Uh, thank you, no.



Please, sit down.



Now, what is so urgent

that you've come to see Don Corduroy...



on the third anniversary

of my stepson's liposuction?



It is a known fact

that you have the judges in your pocket.



The politicians, they dance like--



Iike puppets for you.



You control the courts.



If you agree

to share your influence...



I will make you a partner

in my new business.



Suck my big ltalian sausage,

you magootza.



You make us partner?



You'll have to excuse my son.



Now, what sort of business

are we talking about?



I can make us bigger

than the Almighty Himself.



Shut your slimy guinea pazatz!

Nobody's bigger than Sinatra!



Joey's a good boy,

but there's always been something

about his personality that, uh--



How shall I put it?

He's fuckin' nuts.



This was brought in at great expense

from our friends in America Del Sur.



Ah! Nondairy creamer.

Good investment.



Drugs, Don Cortino.



I thank you for your offer, Mr Gorgoni,

but, well, answer me this:



Where is the future of this business?



Drugs don't taste good.

You can't put them on cereal.



Why would anyone want to invest

in something like that?



I hope you don't live

to regret this decision, Don Cortino.



Now, if we're finished, I'd like to get

back to my stepdaughter's coronation.






- Congratulations.

- Oh.



Hey, Pop.



Hey. I missed you, son.



- I missed you too, Pop.

- How was the war? Did you have fun?



I want you to meet Diane.



- Hi.

- Oh.



Tastes like chicken.



- Tony!

- Hey!



My big brother got married, huh?

Who is she?



Ah, some ltalian girl.

Who's this?



Oh, this is Diane.

We went to Vassar together.



Hi, Joey.

Anthony's told me so much about you.



Psychopath, right?



- Yeah.

- Hey!



- Oh, he seems so nice, honey.

- Get back here.

I'll shoot you in the face!



Easy, Joey.

Easy. Easy. Easy.




Say hello to Guido.



Hey, scunge,

say hello to my present.



- How ya doin'?

- That's somethin', huh?



Don Cortino,

Don Marzoni from Las Vegas.



Don Cortino. You honour me

by inviting me to your home.



I've heard great things about

what you're doing in Las Vegas.



You know, you look familiar.



Uh, this is a friend of mine,

Pepper Giannini.



Mmm. Giannini.

Any Sicilian in you?



Not since last night.




The bond that binds us together.



Myself, I've been married to

the same wonderful woman for    years.



Of course, sex stopped for us

about a week after the wedding...



as it should.



I love my Rosa as much today as I did

the first time I forced myself on her.



But, uh, how 'bout this one here?



Breasts like cabbages.



And how about that ass?

You could play canasta on it.



So, Joey...



remember this old Sicilian proverb:



"Man is like a piece of cheese."



Hear, hear!



- Piece of cheese?

- Piece of cheese.



Say hello to my little friend.



- What the hell's that?

- That's the jitterbug, guys.

Come on. Jitterbug.



Keep up, keep up.






What's he doin' now?






After the attack on Pop, Joey was on

a rampage. He was ready to go to war.



So we brought in some strong-arm goons

from out of town.



Pop was in and out of consciousness...



and when he was awake

he seemed to have lost his will to live.



No doctors? No nurses? There's--

There's no one here to help him.



- Diane, he belongs to an HMO.

- Oh.



- Is he okay?

- Pop. My God. Pop!



I had a dog dream.



Anthony, I always knew

I could count on you.



Well, we've been here every day.



Really? So have l.



Come close.



Uh, Diane, could you excuse us

for a minute?



Oh, sure. If you need me,

I'll be up on the bidet.



- How bad is it? The truth.

- You're gonna be okay.



- You lost a lot of blood,

but we found most of it.

- Yeah.



This just arrived.



Oh, a carp. How thoughtful.

Fish sticks for everybody.



No, Pop, it's a message.

"Oyster Jimmy sleeps with the fishes."



Well, I hope he's using protection.

Good-looking fella like that could have

any woman he wanted.



Present company included.



Pop, somebody's out to get us

and we don't know who.



Can you think of anybody, Pop?




Well, there is a man.

He has only one thumb.



It matches this.



We used to just steal things,

kill and dismember people.



Now it's all drugs.

Oh, where is the honour?



Why go on?



I brought somebody

to cheer you up, Pop.









Look what they did to my boy.



Oh, my sweet Vincenzo.



I kept your ring for you, Mama.




Let me.



It's stuck.

I can't get it off.



- You. Whose kid are you? Huh?

- Here you go, Paulie.



Gino, don't eat so fast.

God'll give you a tumour.



Hey, Ma, lay off the kid.

Slow down. You gotta digest.



Gorgoni wouldn't try to kill Pop

just 'cause he insulted him.

There's gotta be more to it than that.



It had to be Gorgoni.

I say we whack him.



- Don't talk business at the table.

- This shirt is stranglin' me.



- I told you I'd take it back.

- It makes me nuts, the way you shop.



Ooh! ltalian food.



What, you think Gorgoni

wants to take over the family? Come on!



- He ain't got the cogliones for that.

- Maybe somebody bigger

ordered the hit, Joey.



I told you, not at the table.

You wanna bring a pox?



Gorgoni will not stop until Pop is dead.

We gotta have a war.



Kill every one of those

rat-lickin' basserinos.



Tie his steaming intestines to a runaway

horse and yank 'em out his ass!



- Who wants tea?

- Don't reach.



- Hey!

- Don't say "Hey!" to your grandma.

Show some respect.



I'm gonna get some tea.

Sure nobody want none?



I tell ya how I'm gonna settle our

differences. I'm gonna shoot the guy

right in the lombardos.



Goddam it, I said

not in front of the kids.



Just once I'd like to see ya buy

somethin' without havin' to exchange it.



Twenty-four years I'm married.



I coulda shot her and been out on parole




I'll do it. I'll kill Gorgoni.



You? College boy?



It's just business.



We'll set up a meeting someplace public,

like a roller rink or a boutique.



I'll kill Gorgoni myself.



- Diane.

- Cut off her feet and make soup.






Anthony, do you remember when we were

in college, before you were drafted?



We said that we were gonna dedicate

our lives to, to ending war...



to bringing peace to the world.



- What happened to that?

- World peace?



Don't be so naive, Diane.



Besides, I can't turn my back on Pop

and Joey. They're like family to me.



Anthony, they're criminals.

They're murderers.



Criminals are people too, Diane.



If you prick a murderer, does he not

leave a blood trail all the way back

to his Rockingham estate?



This is that whole Sicilian thing,

isn't it?



I'll never belong, Anthony.



I'm always just gonna be that Protestant

chick who never killed anyone.



All right,

let's go over it again.



Now, you kill him after the main course.

Salad's too soon.



And then somethin' light for dessert.

Maybe a sorbet or some kiwi.



Frankie'll stash the pistol

in the bathroom for ya.



He'll put the gun in the stall

behind the flush tank.



Hey, don't worry, Anthony.

You'll do okay.



Anthony. Benvenuto.



- He's gonna frisk you.

- Turn your head.






He's clean.



- And April fresh.

- Sit.



I'm gonna speak ltalian to Anthony.



"Lyle Menendez"?

Come on.



Come on!



EI Nino.









Lou Ferrigno?



So, Anthony...



Can we do business?






I can hear the ocean.



My life had come to this.



The little crippled kid

they used to call "Tiny Anthony"...



who had sold flowers

on the street corner...



had grown up to be a killer.



When he was my age,

things were different for Pop.



By the time of the Great Depression,

my father, Vincenzo Cortino...



was a law-abiding citizen

struggling through the ranks

of the Manhattan olive oil business.



Vincenzo Cortino!

Hey, Vincenzo.



- Hey, Clamato, how are you?

- Look at you. You work too hard.



Come to the duck fights

with me tonight.



- The kid is undefeated.

- Eh, no, Dominick, thank you.



I have a family. I'm married.

I'm not supposed to enjoy myself.



Besides, where'd you get enough money

to buy your own duck, hmm?



When are you gonna wise up, Vincenzo?



Someday I'm gonna own

an entire goose...



and you'll still have

the stink of olives on you.



- Who is he?

- Don Narducci, the Black Hand.



For a price,

he protects the people.



Stay away from him, or your life won't

be worth the paper it's printed on.






- That's a good week's work, Vincenzo.

- Papa! Papa!



Papa, Papa, good news!

I sold the other daisy to Signor Biggio.



Ah, Tiny Anthony.

Come. Come.



Ah, you are such a good boy.

You know that?



- It's Joey's birthday, Papa.

- Yes, yes, I know.



We will try to find him something nice

on the way home.



Well, I guess

you'll be needing your pay.



I give you the big half.



Grazie, Mr Rizzo. Grazie.



- You are too good to me, huh?

- It's nothing.



- Come. Let's go home.

- You do well. Right, Tiny Anthony?



- I'll see you tomorrow, Signor Rizzo.

- Si.



Goodbye, Mr Rizzo.



God bless us, every one!



Mama, we're home!



- Papa.

- Joey.



- I sold another flower, Mama.

- That's wonderful.



Come. Sit. Dinner is ready.

Sit, sit. I've been cooking all day.



I had to sell the hook.






I saw a man today, Rosa,

who sucks his own people dry.



Mmm. Like in those movies

you made me watch.



- No. I mean, in a bad way.

- Oh.



What did you bring me

for my birthday, Papa?



What did I bring you?




Happy birthday, Joey.



- Mmm, boot! It smells delicious, Rosa.

- Mmm.



- Who wants an end cut?

- Can I have the tongue?



Open your present, Joey.



- Pop, it's a rat.

- No.



- It's a puppy.

- But it looks like a rat.



Don't argue with your father.

God'll pluck your eyes out.



It's a puppy.



- Must have cost you a fortune.

- Yes. But look how happy the boy is.



Someday, will I be able to run and play

like all the other children?



Yes, my son. Yes.



And I promise you,

there will come a day...



where your legs will be as strong

as any ox...



and this--

this battered old crutch...



will be nothing but a memory.



So, the Cortino's are celebrating.



I want my cut of the money

you've been making, Cortino.



Please, Don Narducci.

We have nothing.



- Papa! Papa!

- What is it, Joey?



We have the money in the green can we've

been saving for Anthony's operation.



I'm not a greedy man.

I just want to wet my beak.



- Please, no!

- Rosa.



Next time you'd better have more...



or I'll take something

truly precious from you.



God bless us, every one!



Danke schoen

Darlin', danke schoen



After I whacked Gorgoni,

I had to disappear.



When a guy on the run wants to hide,

there's no place like Las Vegas.



It's a city with no memory,

a town full of strangers.



I recall Central Park in fall



How you tore your dress

What a mess



They say you can't hit a moving target,

so I kept moving.



Danke schoen

Darlin', danke schoen



Right now, watch,

ladies and gentlemen...



as I transform my lovely assistant

Louise into a Bengal tiger.



Pop never groomed me for a life

like this. He had other plans.



I was supposed to be Senator Cortino

or Governor Cortino.



Louise! Tiger!




What a pair of legs on her, huh?



After a while the long hours, the

pressure to perform, the catty reviews--



it started to wear me down.



Then one day out of the blue,

I get a message from Don Marzoni.



The memory stays for always



- My heart says

- This guy owns Vegas.



Danke schoen

Oh, darlin', danke schoen



I don't know if I could run your casino

even if I wanted to.



You might think of this job

as kind of an insurance policy.



I know that, but I killed a guy.

I mean, I'm on the lam.

Nobody's gonna give me a casino licence.



You don't have to have a licence

to work a casino.



You just apply to the gaming commission.



This commission's the same guys

that run Major League Baseball.

Now, think about it.



You think they're gonna turn you down

just for killing a guy? Nah.



Who could resist?



- Anywhere else in the country,

I'd be just another murderer.

- Place your bets! Place your bets!



- The best things in life are free

- New shooter comin' in!



- But here I was a murderer

who ran a casino.

- Big time! Let's go! Big time!



- Big time!

- Suddenly I fit right in.

- New shooter!



Craps! Loser!



Marzoni brought out my brother Joey

to handle security, and we went to work.



Oh, look who's here.

It's Joey.



- Money don't get everything, it's true

- Oh, my God!



- But what it don't get I can't use

- I'm sorry. You lose.



Nope, I'm sorry.

Thank you for playing.



The way I figured it,

the best way to stay alive

was to make money for the family.



We love it.

Thank you for playing.



So I made money, enough to make

a Wall Street investment banker drool.



- Place your bets. Place your bets.

- All I thought about was the casino.



- Fifty-two pick-up.

- No distractions, no time for myself.



- Until...

- Yeah! Come on, baby! Yeah!



Yeah! All right, baby! Yeah!



Sittin' here

Eatin' my heart out, waitin'



Waitin' for some lover to call



- Lookin' for some hot stuff, baby

this evenin'

- Hot stuff, baby



- I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight

- Hot stuff, baby



- I need some hot stuff, baby

this evenin'

- Hot stuff



Got to have some hot stuff



Got to have your love tonight



- Ohh! Oooh!

- Yeah!



- I need hot stuff

- Yeah! Yes!



Hot stuff



She had everything a man could want--



beauty, brains...



and class.



Yeah, yeah! Yeah!



- Lookin' for a lover

who needs another

- Come here, baby!



Don't want another night on my own



What a dismount.

I fell in love right there.



Wanna bring a wild man back home



- Where'd you learn to dance like that?

- Juilliard.



I wanted to be a research chemist,

but my legs were too long.



You know, there's something

very familiar about you.



We met at your father's

attempted murder.



Oh, that's right.

You're Pepper Giannini, right?



- You were with Don Marzoni.

- He's such a sweetheart.



He helped me out once

when I was down on my luck.



- Financial trouble?

- No. Mai Luck, the Chinese ambassador.



Oh, hi!



So, the Peppermill.

Marzoni named it after you, huh?



Sure did.

I'm the apple of his eye.



I'll bet you're

rotten to the core.



Yeah. And I'm delicious.



Diane was becoming

a distant memory--



very distant.



I had a feeling

she was a wildcat...



but I knew I was just the man

who could tame her.






Anthony? Anthony?









Wow! Oh!



Oh, yes! Anthony!



Yes! Yes! Yes!



Oh, Anthony!






Wow. You got game.



All bets are down.

The lady's comin' out.



- Yea!

- This lady's a winner.



Pepper started taking up

a lot of my time...



but I tried to stay

focused on the casino.



Box cars. Come on. Yea!



Joey wasn't much help.



- You're winnin' my money?

- Yeah!



Looking back,

I was so blinded by love...



I didn't see the big problem

right in front of me.



Looking for love



If it was white and if it was powder,

Joey was into it.



It was my job to keep

an eye on the gamblers...



but my eyes were

only on Pepper.



- Fourteen, sixteen, bust.

- When I stopped paying attention

so did everyone else...



- House pays.

- and the suckers

started beating the house.



Then the cheaters got wind

and started flocking to us.



They cruise from casino to casino

looking for weak dealers

the way lions look for weak antelope.






I could see the dealer

wasn't in on it...



but he was lifting his

hole card way too high.






We had a surefire way

of handling things like that.



Now here's this guy reading

the hole card and signalling his buddy.



- Bet the farm!

- Let me tell you now



I've never felt

like this before



Something's got a hold on me

that won't let go



Believe I'd die if I only could



I feel so strange

but it sure is good



- I said oh

- Oh



- Oh

- Oh

- Oh



- Oh

- Oh

- Oh



Hey, hey, hey, yeah

Oh, it must be love



- You know it must be love

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, now



My heart feels heavy

My feet feel light



And I feel all right



- I never felt like this before

- Lord!



Something's got a hold on me

that won't let go



- Mommy!

- Oh! Oh!

- I never thought it would be this way



- Joey was always a hothead,

but I could rely on him.

- Who?



- No, no, no!

- Oh

- Oh

- Oh



- Now with the drugs,

he was out of control,

and the place was falling apart.

- Get out of the way.



Then the take dropped off,

and that's the worst thing

that can happen at a casino.



I did what I could

to turn things around--



we recycled the food,

fired the dishwashers...



started a happy hour for seniors

and the mentally ill.



We even watered down

the drinks...



but that meant

we had to skimp in other places.



Happy birthday to you



- Then things really took a turn

when Pop came to visit.

- Happy birthday to you



Happy birthday, Don Cortino



Happy birthday to you



- Congratulations!

- Happy birthday!



Ah, the cake.

Beautiful, Bonifacio. Beautiful.



I want to thank you all

for coming today.



I know that, uh, many of you

have put off important murders

and drug deals to be here.



I'm especially pleased

to have representatives

from the five families with us--



the Badalotos, the Romanis...



the Marzonis,

the Jeffersons--



who moved on up from the East Side

to get themselves a piece of the pie.



My friends, a while ago

I was shot    times.



And it really got me thinking:

It's time to pass on my power.



And I want you all to know that at the

time of my death, l, Don Cortizone...



will turn over all that I control

to my son, Anthony.



- Congratulations!

- Congratulations!



- Good boy, Anthony.

- Just great!






Joey, you get Wisconsin.



Ah, devil's food.









- Pastiori!

- Quick-pick loser!




big, fat German women.



It ain't right.



If you ask me,

your being passed over's an insult.



I'm smart.

I can handle anything.



- I been groomin' myself

my whole life to be Don.

- Maybe I can help.



It's none of your business,

all right?



Don't ever try to come

between me and my family.



Ooh. Anger.



Maybe I've been barking

up the wrong Cortino.



That a girl.

Come get the bone.



You wanna go to the park?

All right, now roll over.



There you go. Speak!



- Oh, my God. How could you?

- What are ya talkin' about?



A total stranger I could understand.

You and another woman, maybe.



Me, you and another woman, definitely.

But Joey, my brother!



Tony, i-it's not

what it looks like.



It's the Heimlich.

She swallowed a big chunk of meat.



- You're banging your brains out.

- You're just guessing!



What do you take me for,

some kind of an idiot?



Tony, ti amo.

The air conditioning broke.



We had to cool down.



- How can you deny this?

- You can't prove anything.



- You're a slut.

You will sleep with anybody.

- That's what sluts do.



If I was particular,

I wouldn't be a slut.



Joey, you're the last person

in the world I'd expect this from.



- We're family.

I would never betray you.

- Don't lie to me!



- You guys are sleeping together!

- All right, all right!

But we never actually slept!



Oh, my G-- That's my brother!

Don't you ever go near him again!



You don't own me, Anthony.



- That's why we don't have

nice things, Pepper.

- Get out! Get out of my life!



- Tony, i-it's not what it looks like.

- Psychopath, right?



I can't turn my back on Pop and Joey.

They're like family to me.



- This is that whole

Sicilian thing, isn't it?

- I would never betray you.



- I always knew I could count on you.

- They're criminals. They're murderers.



- Criminals are people too, Diane.

- Get out of my life!



I did not have sexual relations

with that woman--



Miss Lewinsky--

but I am wearing her underwear.



It's done.






Watch this.



Boogey, boogey, boogey!



Boogey, boogey, boogey!



That stinks, Chuckie.



I started this.



Grandpa? Grandpa?






Everybody dies,

but in the Mafia...



people die more often,

and never by accident.



The death of my father sent

shock waves through the underworld.



The family was without a leader.



The news reached me at a private

hospital that catered exclusively

to English patients.



One, two, three--



My explosion, his death--

someone wanted the Cortino empire.



We're here today to lay to rest

the dearly departed soul...



of Don Vincenzo

Armani Windbreaker Cortino.



The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.



He maketh me to lie down

in green pastures.



He leadeth me beside

the still waters.



Yea, though I walk through

the valley of the shadow of death...



I shall fear no evil.



The rod--

Thy rod and Thy staff--



- It's okay, Mama. I'm here now.

- They-- They will comfort me--



I'll preparest a table--

a table--



- I know.

- There's a table--

- I know. I'm glad to see you too.



My table is prepared.



- Everyone had something to gain

with Pop out of the way.

- Surely--



- I couldn't trust anybody.

- Surely and-and-and Laverne.



- Which one of them killed my father?

- There was kindness--



- Don Romani from the Chicago family?

- From the days--

All the days of my life--



- Don Badaloto from the Cleveland mob?

- Uh, and I will dwell in my house.



-Don Quixote?

-And I will dwell in your house-- house.



- Don Cornelius?

- Love, peace and soul.



Dwell in the Lord's house--



But it wasn't until I saw Chuckie,

my brother Joey's kid...



taking a pay-off from the man

with the missing thumb...



that I realized our family's enemy

had been Don Marzoni all along.



- I had been embraced by the very man

whose lifelong vendetta had been

to kill my father.

- Oh, no!



And now, with my own nephew,

he had succeeded.



In the quicksand of organized crime,

the only option is retribution.



My cup runneth--



I wondered how Pop

would have handled all of this.



- Then I thought back to the most

important day of my childhood.

- Daisies, daisies!



Five dozen for a nickel!



Daisies, daisies!

Five dozen for a nickel!



Hi, Tiny Anthony.

How's my favourite florist?



Oh, hi, Jenny.

This is for you.



Thank you.



Ah, the Cortino boy. You know,

your papa never paid me what he owes.



You've done well.

This belongs to me.



Of course, Don Narducci.

And so does this!



- Miracle Gro!

- You okay, boss? You okay?



- Hey, kid!

- Come on. Let's go after him.

- Get him!

- Hey, you! Come here!



Run, florist, run!



Get back here, kid!



Ooh! Pitchfork!

Look out!



Papa! Papa!



Tiny Anthony, my boy!



It's a miracle!






You surprise me, Don Narducci.

They say violence is

the hand puppet of the ignorant.



- Don't call me ignorant.

- No? Then answer me this:



Train "A" Ieaves Seattle

at    miles per hour.



Train "B" Ieaves Houston

at    miles per hour.



Which train

arrives at Sea World first?



- Papa! Papa!

- And carry the six.

- What is it, Joey?



This is     . There won't be

Sea World for another    years.



You tried to trick me.

Now I kill you all.



He's mine!



Don Cortino!






Papa taught me

the virtue of vengeance.



Now was time to take control

of the family business.



But first I had to put my life back

on track, and that meant finding Diane.



And although it seemed an

impossible dream just a few years ago...



the feeling here today fluctuates

between anxious anticipation...



and outright exhilaration

as political and spiritual leaders...



from every country on Earth

have convened at this historic site...



to witness the final signature

on the document...



that will secure and guarantee

world peace in perpetuity.



The "Peace For All Time" treaty--

or P-FAT...



as it has been dubbed

by its author and champion,

the President of the United States--



marks the culmination of one

valiant person's heroic crusade...



to end strife,

no matter where it may occur.



The presidential limousine

is arriving.



The president is emerging

and striding triumphantly forward.



One can only imagine the thoughts

that must be racing through her mind...



as the world's attention focuses on

this unprecedented achievement.



Mrs President.



With the addition

of my signature today...



P-FAT becomes a reality.



It is my most fervent hope

that this be...



the moment when

all mankind comes together--



when at last the world's population

can rise as one, and say--






- Oh, my God!

- Step back.



- Stand closely. Take the left.

- I got it.



- Anthony.

- It's good to see you, Diane.



- What happened to your face?

- Car exploded.



- What are you doing here, Anthony?

- I've taken over the family business.

I need you.



I care about you.

I came here because I want you

to marry me and come home with me.



Madam President, the treaty.



Madam President?



But what about P-FAT, Anthony?



I'm so near to fulfilling the dream

that-- that we once shared.



There's someone

I want you to meet.



This is my very good friend,

President Steen.



- Would you like to say hi to her?

- Hi, President Steen.



Hello. You're a daddy.



I'm a daddy.



- So, what's your name?

- Diane.



- Like me!

- I named him after his mother.



I'm a mother?



- Why didn't you tell me?

- You said you didn't want

to be a part of my life.






Anthony, he's the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen!



He looks just like me!



You smell good.



I had cantaloupe for lunch.



- You like football, huh?

- Uh-huh.



Ever since Michael lrvin

laid off the nose candy.



Do you want to play?



- I'd love to.

- Are you my real mommy?






Go long, Mommy.



Yeah, I understand, but--



I-l don't know

if I can make it there.



You sure?



You're out of the wedding, Joey.



- It's a local call.

- You gotta answer for Pop.



What the hell you talkin' about?

I had nothin' to do with that.



You fingered him. Just like you

set me up that day in Vegas--



that little sexual fromage-a-trois

you played with Pepper.



You think you can fool

another Cortino?



You bastarducci!



Sit down.



Get him a drink.



Tony, don't do this

to me, please.



You think I'd kill my own brother

just 'cause he tried to kill me?



Today's the day I settle

all family business.



- I'm putting you on a plane to Fargo.

- These are over the wing!



Now, tell me everything

that happened that night.



And don't lie to me,

because it insults my intelligence.



Pepper got me

together with Marzoni.



He said if I helped him out,

he'd make it worth my while.



- He said he'd make me

head of the family.

- You know I'd always take care of you.



You're my kid brother! You take care

of me? I'm the oldest, Tony,

and I was stepped over!



- That was Pop's idea.

- Well, it wasn't my idea.

- You're a psychotic lunatic!



And I deserve respect for that!



You broke my heart, Joey.



I don't ever want

to see you again.



That's, uh, $ .  .



Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

in the sight of God...



to join this man and this woman

in the state of holy matrimony.



It is the most sacred

of journeys...



one in which

the sanctity of human life...



is cherished and celebrated.



Your love must be sincere.



Detest what is evil,

cling to what is good...



rejoice in hope,

be patient under trial...



persevere in prayer,

be generous in offering hospitality.



Clothe yourselves

with heartfelt mercy...



with kindness, with humility,

meekness and patience.



Bear with one another. Forgive whatever

grievances you have against one another.



My dear friends, you have

come together in this church...



so that the Lord may seal

and strengthen your love...



in the presence of this church's

minister and community.



And so in the presence of the Church,

I ask you to state your intentions.



Anthony and Diane, have you come here

freely and without reservation...



to give yourselves

to each other in marriage?



- We have.

- We have.



Will you love and honour each other as

man and wife for the rest of your life?



We will.



Let us pray.






Anthony and Diane, since it is

your intention to enter into marriage...



join your right hands

and declare your consent.



Diane, do you take Anthony

for your lawful husband...



to have and to hold

from this day forward...



for better, for worse, for richer,

for poorer, in sickness and in health...



till death do you part?



I do.



Anthony, do you take Diane to be

your lawfully wedded wife...



to have and to hold from this

day forward, for better, for worse...



for richer, for poorer, in sickness

and in health, till death do you part?



I do.



Ow! Yikes! Hey!



That's my liver, you dick!



Watch me. Watch me.



- What God hath joined together...

- Not personal. Is business.



Iet no man tear asunder.



Mazel Tov!



- That's far enough, guys. Mafia only.

- Oh. Sorry.



Lousy, cold-hearted bastard!



You knew you were gonna kill them,

didn't you? Look at the papers!



That's you!

That's my husband!



- Is it true?

- Don't ask me about my business, Diane.



Is it true, Anthony? Did you kill

those men? Did you kill Joey's son?






Oh. Okay. Whoops.



You know what? Think I'm gonna

go get some frozen yogurt.



See you a little bit later.



So, here's the enigma:



Some would argue that

the Mafia's a bad thing...



that it uses its power

to undermine law and order...



- to promote the very lowest forms

of human behaviour.

- Don Cortino.



Of course, that's all true,

but in the end, maybe it's worth it.



The way I see it, when the law

fails us, it fails our children.



- Godfather.

- Only the Mafia has the power

to do the one deed...



to benefit all mankind.



We are family



I got all my sisters with me



We are family



Get up, everybody and sing



We are family



I got all my sisters with me



We are family



Get up, everybody and sing



Everyone can see we're together



- As we walk on by

- And



And we fly just like birds

of a feather



- I won't tell no lie

- All



All of the people around us

they say



Can they be that close



- Just let me state for the record

- Ooh, ltalian food!



We're givin' love

in a family dose



We are family



I got all my sisters with me



We are family



Get up, everybody and sing



-We are family

-We're family! I would never betray you.



I got all my sisters with me



We are family



Get up, everybody and sing






- Yea!

- Come on, y'all!



We are family



- Get up everybody and sing

- Hey, how ya doin'?



- Ooh, yeah

- We are family



I got all my sisters with me



- Oh, oh, yeah

- We are family



Get up everybody and sing



We are family



- You smell good.

- I had cantaloupe for lunch.



Just great!

Special help by SergeiK