Voila! Finally, the Man Of The House
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Tommy
Lee Jones and Cedric The Entertainer. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Man Of The House. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Says your source got religion
while he was in the can.
- You trust him?
Sharp, we're going to a church.
That's why I didn't bring a helicopter.
Everybody, get your hands up.
Now keep them up...
and say, "Hey!"
All right. Then go ahead.
We have learned from the three wise men...
Eddie, Walter, and the other guy...
that there is a train coming...
and it is a train of love.
Michael rowed his boat ashore.
Because he, too, wanted to get
off that water and get on the train.
Had the ticket.
And I, too, want to be on that same train.
So I will see everyone next week. Hopefully.
Percy Stevens. What's it been?
Three to five years with time off
for good behaviour?
Sharp, how are you?
This is a church, all right?
A place that's sacred.
And it shall remain untainted.
We're looking for an old cellmate of yours,
Morgan Ball. You seen him?
He's a key witness in one of my cases.
Come on, man.
I don't hang with that crowd anymore.
I am a prophet in a non-profit world.
Aren't you worried about him getting away?
I'm more worried
about him having a heart attack.
You want me to call an ambulance for you?
Look, man, I don't even know
why I'm running in the first place.
I'm on God's side now.
Give us the phone, Percy.
Man, why are you all treating me
like I'm some little punk kid?
Besides, the Lord says:
"He who is without sin
cast the first stone. "
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- It slipped.
Where's the damn phone at?
It's a musical cow.
Look at it. It's a miracle.
Like the parting of the Red Sea.
Or the time I saw Mike Tyson's face
in a taco.
What is he doing?
No. I know he's not about to do that.
Come on, man.
He gonna really put his hand up that cow?
You can't do that.
It's against the cow's rights, man.
What's up with the...
All the way... In the hand...
It's for you.
Hey, Morgan. Calm down, man.
All units, stand by for the whereabouts
of our friend Morgan Ball.
They're coming in.
Texas Rangers looking for Morgan Ball!
Sure hope we don't have the wrong house!
Go to hell!
Morgan, don't run.
Eddie Zane, FBI.
How the hell did that fire start?
I don't know. We heard some shots.
- Who's in there?
- Sharp and Swanson.
You know what's in those barrels, right?
One wrong shot and we could all go.
Look, Ball, you have three choices:
You could stay in this hellhole
and burn to death.
You can come with us
and testify against John Cortland.
A and B suck.
What about C?
C is my personal favourite.
Take it easy.
I'm sure there's a way
we can work out this whole thing.
Seems like it's pretty
well worked out to me.
I got money. Lots of money.
If you get me out of here,
I'll make you both rich.
Look, see this key? It's yours.
Thank you. I'll put that in evidence.
Look, I can't testify. Cortland
will kill me. It's a death sentence.
Let's go outside and talk it over.
You gotta be kidding me.
Nice job, Sharp.
What's that they say?
"Texas Rangers always get their man"?
That's the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
You both have funny hats and funny boots.
Who can tell you apart?
- Long time, Eddie.
- More than five years.
Margaret Swanson, Eddie Zane.
He's with the Federal Bureau of Idiots.
I'd have become a Ranger
if they said my partner would look like you.
If you were a Ranger,
you'd have caught this bastard by yourself.
That's the beautiful thing
about working for the federal government.
Other people do your grunt work for you.
- How's your daughter doing?
- Real good.
Excuse me, I'm bleeding here.
You're gonna be okay.
Just hang in there. EMT is on the way.
Oh, my God, you guys.
It is so hot out there.
I'm so hot, I think I'm sweaty.
Oh, God. I need to get some air.
Oh, my God. You guys, come here.
- Just come here.
Guys, come here.
I think this guy got mugged or something.
- Should we call the cops?
I think this guy's coming to help him.
Once again, put it together...for the lovely ladies
of your Texas Longhorn cheer squad.
What the hell happened?
I heard a shot.
I turned the corner, I got clipped.
- Did you get a good look at him?
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
- I ordered for you.
- Medium rare, right?
You know. The usual.
How's your mum?
I wouldn't really know.
She and Keith took up scuba diving.
Anyway, she was cleaning the house
and she wanted you to have these.
This is a beautiful picture of you
and your mum there in little bathing suits.
Oh, there's that donkey.
I keep looking for a picture of you and me,
but I guess I was always taking the pictures.
No, you were just never there.
So, I'm applying to a few colleges.
Rice, SMU and...
Yeah, I'm on my way.
- Look, I've got to...
- Go. I get it.
- Looks like you've been busy.
- Yes, sir.
- Hell, ain't it?
- Yes, sir.
They said you had some witnesses.
Yeah, they came waltzing in here
about a half hour ago.
Said they saw the whole thing.
- Anybody else know about this?
Can we keep it that way?
I'm tired of being shot at.
Who are your witnesses?
You know, I think we could be on the news.I'm not talking local.
I'm thinking maybe Katie Couric or Oprah.We shouldn't have come here.I need to get to the library.Now I'll never get my psych paper done.
I'll just keep seeing his head explode.Evie, remember what we said?You got to breathe.
Let air in, and now let that air out, okay?
I totally have a double chin.
I don't trust cops.
We shouldn't say anything
till our lawyers get here.
We don't need lawyers.
We didn't do anything.Relax, everybody.
We just came here to tell them what we saw.
- Do we have to?
we're role models to the community at large.
If we don't do the right thing,
how can we expect others to?
Now I'm gonna throw up.
I'm not gonna be staying
here all night long.
Why don't we just tell these people
that we need to reschedule for tomorrow?
Well, I can't do morning.
I'm having my legs waxed.
I have a biochem lab at noon.
I'm good between : and : .
Would that work for everybody?
Don't work for me.
And who are you?
Roland Sharp, Texas Ranger.
Oh, my God. Do you know Derek Jeter?
No, he means the other Texas Rangers.
You know, like the Lone Ranger.
He had that cool Indian friend.
What was his name?
He was hot.
Why don't guys wear loincloths anymore?
A Texas Ranger was shot this evening
in connection to the murder you witnessed.
Anything you remember,
no matter how insignificant...
may be of the utmost importance.
- Do you want a piece?
- No, I do not.
- You don't like gum?
Chewing gum is the most significant factor
in the decline of Western civilization.
The decline of what?
When people chew gum,
nobody can read their expressions.
Like with BOTOX.
I like an older man
who knows what he wants.
We should so not get involved in this.
Oh, God, here she goes again.
- She do this a lot?
- Whenever she gets nervous.
She drops, like, pounds around finals.
Can anybody describe the perpetrator?
The bad man with the gun.
Actually, he was kind of cute.
Gross. He was a total skank.
On a scale of to I'd give him a .
No, a ruthless killer's kind of sexy.
I give him an .
Let's try to concentrate. How tall was he?
Average. Like, ' ".
No way. ' " at least.
I thought he was kind of short.
What about his hair?
Definitely needs to rethink his cut.
- I mean the colour of his hair.
- It was dark. Almost black.
I thought it was blond.
- This is bad.
Did he have any...
distinctive facial characteristics?
Sideburns? A moustache?
- There might've been a moustache.
- No, definitely not.
Was I the only one who saw a goatee?
Look at these guys.
You guys, wait.
Wait. Looks like your ex-boyfriend,
No, he doesn't.
The Dixie Chicks here...
looked at mug shots last night.
Wee. Look at this bad boy.He is yummy!He's kind of a cross between
the Unabomber and Mark Wahlberg.
I now know the hottie rating
of every ex-convict...
in the western United States.
Been up all night,
haven't learned a goddamn thing.
Please tell me this sweet thing
is out on parole.Look at him. He's fine.Girl, good.Oh, my God, you guys,
I think this guy is in my poli- Sci class.
They all said they could ID that feller
if they saw him again.
That's a two-way mirror, girl.
People are watching you.
What do you think?
I don't know what to think.
I feel really...
Excuse me, Captain.
The Governor's office just called.
Thanks for coming, fellas.
I'm getting phone calls from some daddies
that are worried about their daughters.
They have good reason to be concerned, sir.
If Cortland finds out there are witnesses,
he'll come after them sure as hell.
Gentlemen, I told those guys we'd take care
of their daughters. Stay with them.
- Yes, sir.
- Good luck, Roland.
Is the taller blond Anne or Barb?
I can't remember their names.
- "He" what?
HE-BAT. It's a mnemonic device, son.
Heather, Evie, Barbara, Anne, Teresa.
This is a plainclothes operation.
Take your hat off. Conceal your badge.
Try to look normal.
Yes, sir. And I just want to say thank you
for taking me along on this one, sir.
That's the third time today
you've thanked me...
and I can honestly say at this point
I feel the full brunt of your gratitude.
Thank you again, sir.
Get in the damn van.
You, move over.
You think you could turn some music on
- Turn the motor off.
- Problem, sir?
We don't have a secure cabin.
This vehicle will not move
until all these ladies buckle up.
You're kidding, right?
One thing you'll learn about me is
I do not kid, or jest, or joke, or jape...
Looks like we're waiting on you, Teresa.
I saw that.
I saw that, too.
I see everything.
Mr. Cortland, do you expect
any further charges to be filed against you?
how do you feel about the verdict?
After failing to produce any evidence...
the government has dropped all charges
against John W. Cortland.
Needless to say,
my client is pleased with this outcome.
What about the murder
of a key government witness last night?
If you'll excuse us, Mr. Cortland
is anxious to get home to his family.
No further comment.
Are you denying any prior knowledge?
It's me. I still don't have the money
Ball stole from me.And the shooter you brought in
shot a Ranger.
I covered for him. The job got done.
Even shot myself in the arm.
You're a free man.
Yeah, well, here's the thing.
You left some witnesses.
Hey, pull up over here.
Now you listen here.
You better start cleaning this mess up.
Already on it.
I got to shower.
Triple-lock all the doors,
put magnetic contacts on all the windows.
I only want one port of entry.
Y'all can put your audio and visual stuff
upstairs and downstairs.
I want you to check all the crawl spaces,
if they got any, for outside access.
Put a tap on that telephone and a bunch
of Barq's Root Beer in the refrigerator.
Where do you want your stuff at, sir?
On the couch in the front room,
facing the door.
Yes, sir. Where do we bed down, sir?
With that bunch of scholars over there.
Ladies, if I might have y'all assemble
in the living area.
Is my root beer in the refrigerator?
Root beer? No, sir.
Then why are you still here?
Antonio? Baby! Where are you?
- It's her boyfriend.
- It's a very co-dependent relationship.
Well, at least I have a relationship.
What do you have? Nothing.
Teresa's gonna have to get back to you.
You couldn't possibly be talking about
my mother because she's allergic to dogs.
- First rule: No cell phones.
No pagers, no Palm Pilots and no e-mail.
And the telephone downstairs may be used
in the event of emergencies only.
Give it up.
Send us back to the Stone Age,
why don't you?
You don't understand
what serious business this is.
In order for us to do our job,
we're gonna need your cooperation...
and that means paying attention
to what I say...
and doing what I ask you to do
when I ask you to do it.
Furthermore, I'd appreciate it
if you'd cover yourselves in our presence.
I realise how very proud you are...
of your tattoos, piercings,
and other body modifications.
However, my colleagues and I
do not need to see these.
Are there any questions?
I have one. Are you always such a dick?
Yes. There will be no guests
in the house ever.
Nobody may leave the house
without an escort.
But this is our house.
What about classes?
I'm in an advanced pre-med program.
- I have a...
- . we know.
Okay, guys. If I miss my biochem class,
I'm gonna lose my scholarship.
There are five of y'all, three of us.
You'll have to pare your schedules down
to the absolute essentials.
I'll skip all my classes
for the greater good of the group.
Work it out amongst yourselves.
- What about dates? Barb's got two tonight.
- Not anymore.
Hello! We've got a game on Saturday.
Don't even think about telling us
we're not going.
You're not going.
Don't say it.
As captain of this squad, I must inform you
that to stop us from cheerleading...
you're gonna have to pry the pom-poms
from our cold, dead hands.
I'm all clear.
Come on, Asst. Cheerleading Coach Sharp,
show me your spirit.
Where's your happy face?
This is my happy face.
Well, I think we're gonna have to turn
that frown upside down.
Now this cannot be how you helped
Florida State to the regional finals.
- Coach Beauregard?
- Please, Binky.
I specialise in strength and conditioning...
and I'm gonna leave the grinning
and the smiling up to you.
Well, okey-dokey then.
A water gun, sir.
Please don't hurt me. It's just a joke.
Check it out.
I'm Jimmy from next door.
Just wanted to come by
and welcome you to the building.
And, you know,
if you need any weed or anything...
just come bang on my door.
That's good to know, Jimmy.
- You'll definitely be hearing from us.
HE-BAT is secure.
Roger that. We'll see y'all in the morning.
I don't sleep.
Isn't that your partner?
- Shouldn't you have gone to the hospital?
Right. But she's been shot.
That's part of the job.
You ever kill anyone, Sharp?
Cold bastard probably doesn't even care.
Her middle name is Ellen.
A lot of the fellas weren't happy when
the Rangers started recruiting women...
and I was sure enough one of them.
She changed my mind.
I also hear everything.
"The brightness of her cheek
would shame those stars
"As daylight doth a lamp
"her eyes in heaven
"Would through the airy region
stream so bright
"That birds would sing
and think it were not night"
So your assignment is
to write a five-page paper...
due a week from Friday...
describing the function
of the recurrent imagery...
of light against darkness
in Romeo and Juliet.
What does it mean? How does it mean it?
And is it possible that this play...
is more than just a teenage romance
with a sad ending?
I want to see you in my office. Now.
- She'd like to see you.
- What for?
I don't know.
Mr. Sharp. Come in. Have a seat.
So, I understand you're
the new assistant cheerleading coach.
May I ask what you were doing in my class?
That's the way we do things on our squad.
If somebody's in the...
Let me be blunt, Mr. Sharp.
is interfering with her work.
And for the record, you should know
I think cheerleading is stupid.
I couldn't agree with you more.
She downloaded this paper
on plant imagery in Macbeth...
off the Internet.
I know, because I wrote it years ago
when I was an undergraduate.
Must be a hell of a paper.
Yes, I thought it was pretty good.
But that is not the point.
Plagiarism is simply not acceptable.
I've given Barb an F on that assignment.
If she wants to remain on the squad,
or in the school, for that matter...
her next paper on Romeo and Juliet
had better be wholly original.
I'll explain your position to Barb...
and make sure she understands it,
Okay, what's the big deal?
Presidents don't write their speeches.
When you're President, you can be
as lenient as you want to on plagiarism.
But wait. This play has five acts.
She can't expect me to read the whole thing.
It's all written in ye olde
weird English anyway.
- Hey, Barb.
- Hi, Scoot.
Besides, people think being a cheerleader
is this nonstop party and everything...
but, you know, they're so wrong.
- Hey, Barb.
- Hi, Chase.
Aside from all my games and my practices...
they still expect me to maintain
this . average, and I can't do that.
You need to manage your time better.
Time? What time? I don't have any time.
- Hey, Barb.
- Hi, Tim.
- Shoot! Sorry. Tom.
I really liked him, too.
You got some admirers on this campus,
Don't be jealous. They're just silly boys.
We can stop this charade
and run away together.
You got a paper to write.
I know. But if I write it myself,
it'll just be stupid.
You don't know that
because you haven't tried.
Cheating is a hell of a lot worse
than being stupid.
Plagiarism is an academic crime.
It is punishable by academic death.
What do you care anyway?
I wanna see you stay alive, academically,
physically, and every other way.
- You like me, don't you?
Guys, stand by one moment.
Sergeant, your pizza's here.
Set the pizza on the porch...
take two steps back,
and place your hands behind your head.
What's the problem, dude?
If that pizza's hot,
there won't be any problem.
- All right, what do I owe you?
- $ . .
Hey, do you live here with all these girls?
Dude, you're my new hero.
Imagine what that means to me.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Without my phone, I am nothing,
I am worthless.
I need to speak to my Antonio...
- What is that?
- The Carnivore.
Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham, and
olive loaf, all together in one savoury pie.
- Want some?
- Yes. No.
- I can't. I'm on the Zone.
- What zone?
The proper combination
of protein, fat, and carbohydrates.
This combination's proper as hell.
I'm a total Atkins girl.
I do Weight Watchers.
You'll probably blow all your daily points
with just one bite.
This baby has one point and one point only,
and that is tasting good.
I don't know why you girls are on a diet.
You couldn't weigh any more than...
Don't even go there.
No, there are some things
we just don't discuss.
My daughter has a very healthy appetite.
Interesting. You never mentioned
you had a daughter.
- What's her name?
- How old is she?
- Is she a cheerleader?
- I hope not.
- What's her favourite band?
- You got me.
How about her sign?
Is she sexually active?
- Hell, no.
- She probably is.
% of high-school students
in Texas have had sex...
by the time they've reached the th grade.
Slightly higher than the national average.
Thank you for ruining my day.
I'll tell you one thing about this daughter
you know nothing about.
She must be supremely messed up
in the head from living in a house with you.
She lives with her mother.
Why did your marriage fall apart?
That's one of many things
that you and I will never discuss.
You see, you clearly don't know
how to speak to women.
I know how to speak to women.
I clearly choose not to.
We need to establish
this bathroom at the end of the hall...
is a % masculine bathroom.
From this moment on, it is off-limits to
you people and your foolish undergarments.
- You want an egg-white omelette?
- Does that mean no yolks?
- No yolks.
- No, thanks.
- Want some kamut flakes?
- Ancient grain. Tastes great with soymilk.
- Who ate all my kamut flakes?
- Not me.
What am I,
the Organisation to End World Hunger?
This is my cereal.
Why do you girls find it necessary
to listen to this constant crap?
You don't like vagina music?
Do you have to use that word
before I've had my coffee and soymilk?
- What did I tell y'all about wearing clothes?
- Jog bras are clothes.
That is it.
Just sign right there.
- Awful big unit for a house this size.
- I get hot.
I hear you.
All right. You win, okay?
We all agree to put on more clothes.
Now, can you please
turn the temperature up?
That's a very mature decision
and I'm proud of you girls.
But we should come
to a common understanding...
the meaning, the definition
of the word "more. "
We thought you might say that.
This is Courtney Ryan, my personal hero.
Like Courtney, we feel we should not
be penalised for maximising our assets.
However, we've all agreed to cover up...
these areas here...
and this area right here.
But what about these other problem areas?
You're killing me.
All right. We'll cave on the first two.
But we absolutely must maintain
We want to be realistic, not Amish.
- One inch on either side.
These girls are a different kettle of worms.
Something just came up.
I'll get back to you.
I need to speak to your witnesses.
Eddie, how's the arm?
Let's not change the subject.
There are no witnesses.
Even if there was, I couldn't let you
talk to them. You know that.
Come on, Captain,
we're on the same team here.
I think I can help.
At least let me talk to Sharp.
That was him on the phone, right?
Sharp's in the field right now.
Your Ranger screwed up my whole case.
He blew up that lab
and all the evidence in it.
Ball is dead and I got shot in
the arm, for Christ's sake.
I need to speak to those witnesses.
So I'm asking you again. Where are they?
This "One Riot, One Ranger" shit won't fly
when I slap a subpoena on your desk.
My desk's already a mess.
One more piece of paper
won't make me no never mind.
Circle the wagons if you want.
This is a federal case.
- You learn quick.
- Five years of college.
$ . right? Here's $ . Keep the change.
How's my favourite pep-squad leader?
I said, how's my favourite
Not real peppy.
Would somebody turn that music down?
Hang on, Cap.
Is there any more pizza left?
Somebody, please turn that music off!
Throw this away.
I cannot hear myself think.
Okay, as we involuntarily enter
into this enforced period of silence...
can I ask if there's any medication
you forgot to take...
or some I might recommend you should try?
Yes. Like take a chill pill.
I only need one witness.
What's up, Cap?
It's a subpoena from your buddy Zane.
The feds want our witnesses.
We're now officially in contempt.
Don't worry. If Cortland don't send
somebody to kill them soon, I'll do it myself.
One other thing. I got this invoice
here for an air conditioner.
$ . .
Can you explain that to me?
I'll have to get back to you on that one.
Where do you think you're going?
To the Cactus Cafe.
Asleep at the Wheel's playing.
Too many people. You know the rules.
Nobody goes out after dark.
We're young, we're strong,
and we're tired of being cooped up.
I haven't had phone sex with my boyfriend
in almost a week.
I have oats to plow.
You got oats to sow,
and it ain't gonna happen.
Like hell it's not. What's to stop me
from walking out that door? The Tontos?
I eat men like that for breakfast.
And what, you?
I'd like to see you try it, Mr. Ranger-man.
Anybody else wanna go see
Asleep at the Wheel?
You think he needs backup?
I think he can handle it.
Let me guess, Clay.
You're looking for Jimmy.
Totally. Dude, are you like a psychic
or some kind of shit?
Some kind of shit.
The thing is...
- Where to?
- Travis County Jailhouse.
That ain't good.
Okay, a hairdo this phenomenal
only happens twice a year.
Please. It really needs to be shared
with the world.
- What if we have to go to the bathroom?
- Go ahead.
You're evil, you know that?
Face it, girl. You're with me tonight.
We didn't ask for this.
We just went into the bathroom
and saw a guy die.
We could've kept quiet, but we didn't.
I feel like we're getting punished for it.
- Sorry, but you're not being punished.
- Then let us out of here.
Even prisoners on death row
get a little yard time.
- How about the mall?
- Shopping with y'all? I don't think so.
- What about a movie?
- Not in the mood.
As captain of the cheerleading squad,
I demand that you take us someplace...
where you can protect us
and we can have some fun.
Look who's skating!
Last time I was here, it was Emma's
sixth birthday. She loved this place.
You don't speak to her much, do you?
I don't think Emma wants to talk to me.
Every girl wants to talk to her dad.
She may act like she doesn't, but she does.
Everything I say around her is wrong.
I've been wrong since she turned .
Maybe you're just not asking her
the right questions.
First of all, never ask, "So how's school?"
Nope. Dumb question. It's too easy.
Our brains just shut off.
And don't become her best friend.
We have enough friends, thank you.
What do you wish you could say to her?
That I wish I could see her more...
and I'm sorry it didn't work out
between her mother and me...
and it wasn't her fault,
and stuff like that.
If my daddy told me them things,
I'd be the happiest girl alive.
I haven't seen my dad
since he left me nine years ago.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
You have a daughter and you love her.
You should tell her.
Yeah, maybe you should take her
skating again, because you know what?
You're getting pretty good.
I am getting the hang of it.
All right, we're going to let you go.
Show us your funky groove. Come on, boy!
All right! Yes, sir!
- Are you okay?
- That was bad.
Look at you, you're all grown up.
Yeah. Wow, it's been a long time.
What are you doing here?
I'm looking for your father.
It's a professional matter.
You got any idea where I might find him?
No. He doesn't really tell me anything.
What happened to your arm?
It's just one of the hazards of the job.
You wouldn't happen
to have a number on him, would you?
Is he in trouble?
No. It's just that I'm working on a case
and I need his help.
If I need to get ahold of him...
I usually call dispatch and
they patch me through on a restricted line.
- I'll give that a try then.
- Good to see you again.
Sharp, look here.
Remember that John Doe
they pulled out of a rest stop last week?
Rifle from his trunk matches the bullet
they dug out of Swanson.
Is this the fella y'all see
shoot Morgan Ball?
No. The guy who shot Ball
seemed a lot nicer.
And a lot less dead.
- It was like Ball knew him or something.
- Knew him?
Yeah. If you're through playing detective,
can you get us home so we can rest?
- Come on.
Yeah, I like that.
That's where we're gonna kill them.
Remind me to take a collection
right after that.
That's gonna be a good time
to get the money.
Well, if it ain't Martin Luther Vandross.
Why don't you all take a break.
Everybody go ahead, real quick.
This man's probably got
a lot of sins he needs to confess.
Probably may have to exorcise him.
Y'all go about your business.
Can't you see
I'm doing the Lord's business?
You know this guy?
I mean, that is...
He got roughed up.
That is pretty bad right there.
- Is he dead?
- He way dead.
Yeah, I mean, looks like a guy
that was in the can with me.
Think his name's Jack Carter.
He work for Cortland?
No. He was more of a freelance artist...
if you know what I'm saying.
Looks like Cortland hired a second shooter.
Pull up Jack Carter, see what we got on him.
So, you girls are cheerleaders, huh?
Y'all recognise me? It's me, Percy.
Yeah. Percy "Pirouette"...
Class of ' . I was bad. I was a bad man.
Y'all think that's funny? I'm good. Okay.
All right, you think that's funny?
You wait one second.
"Ungawa, Texas got the power
"I said, yes"
Yeah, that was real fresh, Bobby Brown.
Yeah, let me tell you something.
Now, I may have missed the ' s...
due to a previous engagement...
but back in my day, we brought it.
Oh, yeah. I'm talking real old school.
Not like that little tired
crap you trot out to.
What's that spell?
What's that smell?
- All set?
- You bet.
"More power, more power
more power to the hour
"More bounce, more bounce
more bounce to the ounce"
"Hot, now show us what you got"
Now that's old school.
Hello?- Hi, Emma, it's...
- Psych!You got my machine. You know what to do.
Hey, Emma, it's your father.
I was just calling to see how you're doing.
It's kind of hard to reach me right now.
I'm working on a case.
You know, like I'm always doing.
Just working on a case.
Anyway, I'd like to talk to you.
So call me. You know how to reach me.
If you feel like it.
There's no pressure or anything like that.
- So I guess that's it.
- Tell her you miss her.
Except, I miss you, baby.
Can I help you?
Teresa had a visit from her little friend.
What did I tell you people about visitors?
Not that kind of visitor. Her menses.
- The curse of Eve. The crimson tide.
- I get it.
So, someone has to go shopping.
Do you want me to go?
Holt, get over here.I'm going out for some air.Attention.
Price check on register three, please.
Can't make up your mind?
Do I need the slim fit, the regular
protection or the one with wings?
The ones with the wings. Definitely.
Cucumber-melon body spray.
Vanilla-smoothie bikini cream.
Sounds like a busy and painful night
for your wife.
I'm divorced. These are for the girls.
You do their shopping for them?
You are a curious fella, Mr. Sharp. You gay?
No. Girls are all tied up, studying.
I volunteered to help out
and pick up a few things.
Are you sleeping with any
or possibly all of these girls?
Wanna have dinner with me
- It's not really possible, with work and all.
Well, okay, that plane just flew
into the side of the mountain.
Call off the search, no survivors.
Have a pleasant evening.
- You left them on the counter.
I think I made a mistake back there.
Didn't want the wings after all?
No. In regard to dinner.
It's not that I don't want to.
It's hard for me to get away
with my busy schedule...
as an assistant cheerleading coach.
This whole cheerleading thing
must be a really tough racket.
You have no idea.
Anyway, I was thinking...
maybe you could come over
to the house tomorrow and I'll fix dinner.
- : ?
- Yeah, good.
By the way, I'm Molly.
You're not on the Zone or counting points
or anything like that, are you?
Is that the North Star?
No. I think that's an airplane.
You see the way it's moving?
That's the North Star.
So that's where they've been keeping it.
Someday I want to do more
than look at the stars.
I'm fixing to soar with them.
What, you mean,
like an astronaut or something?
No, not exactly. Not a living one, at least.
They got this company out of Beaumont...
and they will launch your remains
right out into outer space.
Really? I love shit like that.
- But how?
- What they do is they park you...
Holt, what the hell are you doing?
Contemplating the vastness
of the universe, sir.
It's supposed to be red.
Does this look like red to you?
Just shoot her, Sharp.
You'd be doing her a favour.
- Where are Teresa and Anne?
- I don't know.
- How do you know?
- You broke eye contact.
It's a sign of stress
and possible deception.
So is picking at your clothes.
Stop picking at your clothes.
Look me in the eye
and tell me where they're at.
Teresa and Antonio had a really big fight.
She had to blow off some steam,
so they went to the Buffalo Billiards.
You stay here.
Don't be contemplating the universe
Look, a native approaches.
Avoid eye contact.
You guys are the cheerleaders, right?
The ones with the calendar?
Could have sworn you were June.
June kicks ass.
Sorry, wrong girl.
Well, me and my buddies over there,
we go to every game.
Have you seen us?
I thought I recognised you guys.
You guys were the ones getting really drunk
going, "woo, woo," right?
- You saw us.
Your school spirit sucks.
I'm captain of the cheer squad.
Our school spirit kicks ass.
Yeah, and it's getting hit on
by idiots like you that really sucks.
You're a sassy bitch. I like that.
- Get your hands...
- Hang on now.
Everybody cool off.
We've had enough fun tonight.
Now I've had enough fun.
Was that completely necessary? You could
seriously injure a young man by doing that.
I should warn you.
I know karate.
You better know something.
Any of the rest of you boys here
wanna play the winner?
We had the situation under control.
Yeah. We were about to go all Buffy
on their gringo asses.
I brought you a pillow.
It's better than the ones you've been using.
Buckwheat hulls. It's good for neck support.
That was cool what you did for the girls.
It was cool.
That's one big honking bullet.
You fixing to send a monkey up
in that thing?
is a personnel suppressor deluxe.
Personnel suppressor? You mean killing?
Can't you just wound them or something?
Shoot the gun out of their hand?
No, it's impossible.
You're not really the cheerleading type,
For me, it's more penance than a passion.
Religious ascetics wear a hair shirt,
I carry the pom-poms.
I don't know.
I guess it's the duality of man, you know?
"That Jungian thing, sir. "
Matthew Modine, Full Metal Jacket.
Peace sign on one side of his helmet,
"Born to Kill" on the other.
It's my favourite movie.
My favourite movie is The Sound of Music.
"What's in a name?
"That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet"
I don't understand any of this.
Pretty simple, really.
She's a Capulet, he's a Montague.
The two families have always hated each
other and they always will hate each other.
- Why couldn't Shakespeare say it like that?
- He could have.
But nobody would be talking about it
How do you know so much
about Romeo and Juliet?
I read the play.
- Why would you read the play?
- Molly's coming over for dinner tonight.
You call her Molly?
This whole house totally reeks.
What is that smell?
Five Alarm Chili. It's my specialty.
You're putting meat into my lentil pot?
He's making dinner for Molly.
Professor McCarthy, Intro to English Lit.
I had her last quarter. She's a babe.
And this is what you're serving her?
It's his specialty.
My wife loved my chili.
Your wife left your gassy old ass.
- What's going on?
- Sharp's got a date.
- What are you gonna wear?
- Pants, sport coat.
- Not that butt-ugly thing.
I like that sport coat.
I grabbed everything I could find.
What comes first,
astringent or exfoliating lotion?
I don't use that stuff.
You've got pores
the size of manhole covers.
And the ears, the nose.
We better do something about all this hair.
You can use some bronzer.
You need some colour.
- I don't bronze.
- You'll bronze, white boy.
I have been successfully grooming myself
for longer than y'all have been alive.
Some things have changed
since you were young.
We've discovered fire and the wheel.
She's right. If you wanna get over,
you better listen to us.
I'm just having dinner.
Not looking like that you won't.
Barb, can you do anything with the hair?
Shave it all off.
Go talk to her. Give me that.
Come on. I mean, it's never gonna work out
between you and Sharp.
He's old enough to be your...
And you have an opportunity to help him.
You went to beauty school.
I flunked out.
But he doesn't know that.
"Natural-looking dramatic highlights...
"that enhance and brighten
your natural hair colour. "
Okay, let's focus on the conversation.
How are you gonna get things rolling?
I don't know.
It's been a long time
since I went out on a date.
Look, just give us a little preview.
I come in.
Well, I'll start out by saying "hello. "
No, I'll say "hi. "
No, "hello" is better. I think.
I'll wait and see how I feel at the time.
Then I'll probably start out saying...
Asking her if she ever...
We'll start talking about...
I'm in deep shit, ain't I?
Who knew you were such a babe?
Even if you didn't let us frost your tips.
You clean up pretty nice, Sergeant.
- You're all that and then some.
- Thank you.
Remember, a woman is like a horse.
She likes the guy on the saddle
to have a tight grip on the reins.
Excuse me, a woman is not a horse.
Just be yourself.
I'm not so sure being himself
is going in the right direction.
Okay. Just be yourself,
but not the you who you really are.
Be the you who you would be
if you were somebody else.
- Somebody better.
- That's what I mean. Somebody better.
- Maybe we ought to call this off.
It's too late.
Okay, just don't be the schizoid Sharp.
Be the Sharp who embraces life.
Now, don't worry.
We'll be with you every step of the way.
Sgt. Holt provided us
with a spare set of eyes and ears.
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me now?
- Out of here!
Just take these.
Tell her she looks nice.
You look nice.
Thank you. So do you.
Give her the flowers.
Girls thought you might like those.
No, they were your idea.
They're my idea,
but the girls thought you might like those.
Well, they were right.
- They're not here, are they?
Good. That would have been
a little awkward.
Yes. Real awkward.
Take the wine.
I'll just go open this.
Where do you keep the corkscrew?
Left of the sink, top drawer.
Base to Ranger One, we've got
a makeup check in the dining room.
- I repeat, makeup check in the dining room.
- What does that mean?
It means she digs you, man.
Now, loosen the hell up.
I gave up alcohol about years ago.
Didn't like yourself
when you were drinking, huh?
Hell, I loved myself when I drank.
It was other people that had the problem.
He's a dork.
Well, why don't I put these in some water.
All right, look, you got a laugh.
Now go to the table and light the candles.
No, that's such a lame move.
Candles are a total cliché.What do you know about clichés?
You've got a waterbed.
I say, light the candle. It's sexy.
He might as well pull out the bearskin rug
and the disco ball, for God's sake.
I need confirmation.
Is lighting the candle
a cool move or not a cool move?
All in favour of candles?
Mission Control to Sharp.
Light those candles.
I don't know.So many of my colleagues just stick it out
for the paycheque and the benefits.
Or, in my ex-husband's case...
for the endless supply
of fresh, young co-eds.
Why would a man want to be with a girl
when he can be with a woman?
Or in your case, with five girls.
What is your story?
My work became my mistress.
Before I knew it, that was all I had.
Man after my own heart.
You want to dance?
So, what's really going on here?
No, I mean here.
What is a man like you doing in this house?
a temporary assignment.
And I venture to guess it has nothing
to do with cheerleading, does it?
Not much, no.
It's kind of complicated.
You want to go in the living room?
Gross. What are you gonna do,
bag her on the couch?
Good night, Barb. Do your homework.
I can still see you.
You're killing me.
Hi, I'm returning a call
from somebody named Evie.
That's me. Is this Emma?
Yeah. I'm sorry, do I know you?
No. But I know your dad.
I got your number from his cell phone.
I hope you don't mind,
but I'm doing this psych paper...
and I was wondering
if I could ask you some questions.
- Yeah, okay.
- Great.I have this Hex Rally tomorrow night...but I was wondering
if we can get started tonight.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- This is...
- Terrible, I know.
I was gonna say good.
I'm proud of you. It's good.
- What are y'all doing?
- Getting pumped for Hex Rally.
- We'll have to nix the Hex Rally.
No. There's no nixing the Hex.
It must go on.
You can't stop the Hex, Mr. Ranger-man.
- It's bigger than all of us.
- Is that right?
If we were doctors, we'd cure cancer.
If we were nurses, we'd give people shots.
If we were astronauts,
we would do other things.
But we're not. We're cheerleaders.
And we're going to the Hex Rally.
- You don't respect cheerleading, do you?
That's because you still don't get it.
Samuel L. Jackson, Sandra Bullock,
Calista Flockhart, Madonna and Halle Berry.
Not to mention Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush...
and the governor of our fair state,
See, you're a negative person, Sharp.
Cheerleading is all about the positive.
Our job is to inspire,
support and electrify.
Any fool can feel good
when you're winning.
But when you're down points
in the fourth quarter...
that's when you got to ask yourself,
"Who you gonna call?"
I might call Halle Berry.
Are we ready to take A&M to the mat?I don't think these guys can hear you.All right, well, now that we've put the hex
on those Aggies...I want y'all to raise your flames up high...for someone who knows
a thing or two about spirit.I am talking about
Assistant Cheer Coach Roland Sharp.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Inspire and electrify. Go!
This torch right here represents...the spirit burning deep within the heart...of each and every Longhorn
that never can be extinguished.All right.All right, you're all here because...you want to see your Longhorns
emerge victorious.You want to see them
dominate the football field...and win the football game.Well, then it's up to each
and every one of us to help them.We got to raise them up.We got to hoist them high...to put them on a platform of positivity.Any fool can feel good
when you're winning.But when you're down points
in the fourth quarter...you got to ask yourself,
"Who you gonna call?"I tell you who I'm going to call,
and that's these ladies right here.They're the most spirited group
of young ladies I've ever seen...or had a chance to get to know and
had the privilege of coming in contact with.Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!
Okay, now can I get a witness?
This man has got the spirit.
Swear to God, I thought
he was gonna start speaking in tongues.
What about "platform of positivity"?
I was gonna do a cartwheel,
but didn't want to steal the limelight.
I think Sharp just made a joke.
It's more of a jape or a jest,
but still, it's progress.
- Can we go to the party?
- Negativo, baby.
Please. When are you guys
gonna get over yourselves?
Nobody, I repeat,
nobody is trying to kill us.
Get out of this van, right now! Let's go.
This thing is not working.
- I'm stuck.
- Let's go!
I'm stuck! I can't get out!
Okay, maybe somebody is trying to kill us.
How did they, like, find us?
They looked for us.
- What about Emma?
- She doesn't know where I am.
Yes, sir, she does.
She called last night on the house phone.
She was returning my call.
Was that a mistake?
Get them upstairs.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, move.
- Where you at?
- I'm at home.
Where's your mother?
Dad, I told you. She and Keith
went to Cancún for a couple of days.
You don't have to check up on me.
Your friend from the FBI is here.
He told me everything.
Let me talk to him.
He wants to talk to you.
Hey, Sharp. How are your witnesses doing?
You're making a big mistake.
Good. I was just telling Emma that
a desperate guy is trying to cover a crime...
and if he couldn't get to you,
he might come looking for her.
I'm here now, and everything's cool.
Emma doll, is there any more coffee?
- Sure, Mr. Zane.
- Thank you.
I'm a dead man, Sharp.I don't care about your witnesses anymore.All I want is the money
Ball stole from Cortland.All right, the night you arrested Ball,
you took a key from him.
Good. Here's what you're gonna do.
You go to the bank, take the
money out of the safe deposit box...put the money in a duffle bag,
get in your truck...and meet me in Eagle Pass
near the border at : p. m.Only you, Sharp. No one else.
Put your keys in the bag
and get out of the truck with the money.
Bag on the ground.
Put your weapon in the bag.
Put your cell phone in the bag,
get back in the truck...
and handcuff yourself to the steering wheel.
Don't try any tricks, Sharp.
I will shoot her right here and now.
Thanks, Roland. You're a good parent.
Please board immediately.This is the last announcement...for the bus leaving
for Laredo, Nuevo Laredo...
What the hell?
- What are y'all doing here?
- Barb's got a plan.
Barb has a plan?
You know what you're doing?
I spent a year in juvenile detention
for stealing cars.
It was an educational experience.
- How'd y'all get here?
- Brand-new car.
I think I'm having the baby.
Evie, get it together.
I know you can do it. Just breathe.
Come on. Breathe. Ready?
Driver, stop the bus!
My friend's having a baby!
I did it!
I have to get off el autobús!
I have to have my baby in America!
I've got the bags.
Whoa, that's my bag.
- No, it's mine.
- It's my bag.
Hi, Emma. We're friends of your dad's,
so just follow me, okay?
Look, it's my bag, okay?
Drop the bag.
It's my bag!
Drop the bag.
- You okay?
It's just like dismounting
a stretch pyramid.
Off the bus!
- Come on, Emma.
- Are you guys serious?
I'm a math major.
You, too! Off the bus, now!
- Come on, you can do it!
You all right?
Eddie, there's doctors, air conditioning
and three meals a day back in town.
And I need you to testify.
You're gonna have to kill me, Sharp.
Looking sharp, Sharp.
I don't know.
Maybe we should do another mask.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I almost forgot.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. Damn it.
The language! Hello, we're in a church.
Look at you.
Hey, you guys.
Could you excuse us for a second?
- Yeah, okay.
Don't be nervous.
And Sharp, remember,
inspire and electrify, okay?
See you. Great.
I feel like a freak show in this dress.
Prettiest freak show I ever saw.
Wait till they see you at Vassar.
I was thinking of turning Vassar down
and becoming a cheerleader.
Dad, that was a joke.
A joke. That's why I'm laughing so hard.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you, too, baby.
we are gathered here for this most...
splendiferous and loquacious occasion...
to join this couple in holy matrimony.
do you promise to love this woman, and...
before you answer, remember that...
Get on with it.
Sure, but of course.
- Well, do you?
- I do.
radiant, beautiful Molly.
Molly. Good Golly, Miss Molly.
Do you promise to love Roland...
when he is odiferous...
- You do?
- I do.
By the power vested in me
in the state of Texas...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
Come on, y'all, let's get
this party started.
Who put this table here?