Man On The Moon Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Man On The Moon script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman/Tony Clifton movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Man On The Moon. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Man On The Moon Script






I am Andy.



And I would like to thank you

for coming to my movie.



I wish it was better, you know...



...but it is so stupid.

It's terrible.



I do not even like it.



All of the most important things

in my life...



...are changed around and mixed up...



...for dramatic purposes.






...I decided to cut out

all of the bologna.



Now the movie is much shorter.



In fact, this is

the end of the movie.



Thank you very much.



I am not fooling. Goodbye.






You're still here.






I hope you're not upset.



I did that to get rid of those folks

who wouldn't understand me...



...and don't even want to try!



Actually, the movie is really great.



It's filled with colorful characters,

like the one I just did...



...and the one I'm doing now.



Our story begins...



...back in Great Neck, Long Island.



This is our house.



And that's my father's old car.



That's my father.



That's my little brother, Michael.



That's my little sister, Carol.

And that's my mom.






Andy's up in his room?






Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat

made his head fall off.



And Mrs. Bear is saying she

saw it, and it's not true.



Today's special guest: Mr. Bear.

What's up, Mr. Bear?






Son, this has got to stop.



Our house is not a television station.



There's not a camera in that wall.



It isn't healthy.

You should be outside, playing sports.



But I have my own sports show.



Andy, that's not what I meant.



I'm gonna put my foot down.

No more playing alone.



You want to perform, you've got to

have an audience.



They're right there!



That is not an audience.

That is plaster.



An audience is made of people.

People who live and breathe.



Andy Kaufman and Howdy Doody present:



"The Animal Song"!



Now, I'll say the animal,

then you tell me what it says, okay?






The cow goes






And the cat goes



Meow, meow.



And the bird goes



-Tweet, tweet.

-Tweet, tweet.



And the lion goes






-And the dog goes




-And the cat goes




-And the bird goes




-And the pig goes




And that's the way it goes



The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman,

ladies and gentlemen.



So, Mr. Besserman, same spot tomorrow?



I don't know, Andy.

I think I have to let you go.



You're firing me?



You don't even pay me.



I don't want to be insulting,

but your act is like amateur hour.



Sing-alongs for  -year-olds...



...puppets that aren't funny,

playing records...?



But it's original.

No one's ever done it.



I'm not like everyone else.



Everybody else

gets this place cooking.



I thought it was cooking.



There was a man really upset.



He stormed out, and other people

left during your act.



I can't sell booze

to people who--



It's about booze.

Not comedy, not art?



I can't sell booze when you're

singing "Pop Goes the Weasel."



I'm running a business.

It's show business.



Show. Business.



Show. Business.



Without the business, there's no show.



And there's no show for you.



What should I do?

"Take my wife, please"?



Yeah, at least it's a joke.

Try some jokes.



Like, "Why did the Siamese twins

go to England?"



I don't know.

Why'd they go to England?



So the other one could drive.



Why doesn't the other one

just learn how to drive?



Maybe that one isn't for you. Do

jokes about traffic. Do impressions.



Maybe some blue material.



Thank you very much.

Good night!









Thank you very much.



One thing I do not like...


            too much traffic.



You know?



Tonight I had to come from...



And the freeway,

it was so much traffic.



It took me an hour and a half

to get here.



Talking about the terrible things...


            wife, take my wife.

Please take her!



No. No. I am only fooling.



I love my wife.

But she don't know how to cook.



Her cooking is so bad. It's terrible.



Now I would like to...



...I would like to do for you...



...the imitations.



I would like to start with...



...the Jimmy Carter.



The president of the United States.






I am Jimmy Carter,

the president of the United States.



Thank you very much.



And now I would like to do for you...



...the Elvis Presley.



Well, it's one for the money

Two for the show



Three to get ready

Now go, cat, go



Now don't you

Step on my blue suede shoes



Well, you can do anything

But lay off of my blue suede shoes



Let's go, cat



Budd, what's the story with this guy?



I think he's from Lithuania.



Blue, blue

Blue suede shoes, baby



Blue, blue

Blue suede shoes, woman



Blue, blue

Blue suede shoes, baby



Blue, blue

Blue suede shoes



You can do anything

But lay off of my blue suede shoes



Well, we were dancing



We were dancing



To the jailhouse rock



All right!



Thank you very much.



Hey, I really enjoyed your set.



Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.



I really liked what you did out there.



Thank you very much.



So I understand you're from Lithuania.



No. I am from Caspiar.



Caspiar, huh?



It is a very small island

in the Caspian Sea.



It sunk.



Oh, I'm sorry.



Well, look...



...I'm probably out of my mind,

but I think you're very interesting.



If you ever need representation,

we should talk.






"George Shapiro."



Mr. Shapiro!



It is an honor, sir.



Caspiar, huh?



I want to be

the biggest star in the world.



Well, people love comedians.



I'm not a comedian. I don't do jokes.

I don't even know what's funny.



I'm a song-and-dance man.



Thank you.



I particularly suggest the lotus root.



You, you know, you show

a lot of promise.



My concern is

I don't know where to book you.



You're not a standup...



...and your act doesn't exactly

translate itself to film.



So help me.

Where do you see yourself?



Well, I've always

wanted to play Carnegie Hall.



That's funny.



See, I don't want

to go for cheap laughs.



I want gut reactions.



I want the audience to have

gone through an experience.



They love me, they hate me,

they walk out.



It's all great.



Andy, you got a little something.



When I'm famous, I'm gonna sell these.



"As worn by Andy Kaufman."



You can have this one.

It'll be worth a lot.



Because it was actually up my nose.



You're insane.



But you might also be brilliant.



Hello. George Shapiro here.



Is this George Shapiro?



Yeah, speaking.



Speaking! Reeking, seeking,

creaking. Freaking!



Big freaking deal!



Tell me something I don't know,




Can I help you?



You can stay away from Andy Kaufman,

if you know what's good for you!






Who is this?



Do not twist my noodle, toy poodle.



This is Tony Clifton!

A name to respect! A name to fear!



And Kaufman is a lying bastard!

He is a psychopath!



Now slowly open your eyes.



You should feel rested,

relaxed and alert.



I would like to thank you,

Your Holiness.



My heart is radiating pure energy.



Oh, no, wait. Wait.



I'm sorry.



I have a question.



Is there...



Is there a secret to being funny?









Welcome back to Saturday Night Live!



Now as a special treat on our first

show, musical guest Andy Kaufman!



What's wrong with this guy?



This is dead air.



Mr. Trouble never hangs around



When he hears this mighty sound



Here I come to save the day



That means that Mighty Mouse

is on the way



Yes, sir,

When there is a wrong to right



Mighty Mouse will join the fight



On the sea or on the land



He gets the situation well in hand



So though we are in danger

We never despair



We know that where there's danger

He is there



He is there! On the land!

On the sea! In the air!



We 're not worrying at all



We're just listening for his call



Here I come to save the day!



That means that Mighty Mouse

is on the way



Mr. Kaufman?



Right this way, please.



George is expecting you.



Hey, Andy.



-Thanks for coming out.

-Thank you, George.



Come on, sit down.



-Wow! Which one?

-Either one.



They're both red.



This one, I guess.



-Did you have a nice flight?

-I did. I had a really good flight.



The stewardess was very nice.

She allowed me to keep my headphones.



That's terrific!



Andy, I got something better.



You do?



This is big.



You are getting a once-in-a-lifetime,

very lucrative opportunity...


            star on a prime-time

network sitcom!



-A sitcom?




And this is a class act.



It all takes place in a taxi stand.



And you're gonna be the "Fonzie."




-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.



The Fonzie.



The crazy breakout character

who all the kids imitate...



...and they put him

on the lunch boxes.



I hate sitcoms.

I've never liked them.



These guys have seen

your foreign-man character...



...and they want to turn him into...



...a lovable,

goofy mechanic named...













No to which part?



No to the whole thing.

It doesn't sound good to me.



Andy, this is a comedian's dream!



I'm not a comedian, George.



And sitcoms are the lowest

form of entertainment.



I mean, it's just stupid jokes

and canned laughter!



You don't know why it's there,

but it's there.



And it's dead people laughing.

Those people are dead!



Andy, this is classy.



I don't care.



I want to generate my own material.



Listen to me.



I've been in this business

for    years, Andy.



I've seen this! I know this!



If you pass up this opportunity,

you will never...



...never see another one

like it again.






Okay. I'll do it.



But I have some terms.



Oh, sure. That's what negotiations

are all about.



What are you doing?



I'm writing out my terms.



-Are you making fun of me?

-Those are my terms.



This is ridiculous, Andy!



It's what I need to do the show.



What is this?



"Four guaranteed guest spots

for Tony Clifton."



-Who's Tony Clifton?

-He's a Vegas lounge singer.



I did impressions of him,

and we got into a fight over it.



-This Clifton called me!

-He did?



He's a loon! He hates you!



No, no. He just talks tough.

But I owe him.



And if I'm the new Fonz...



...then ABC is just gonna have to

give me what I want!



Mr. Kaufman will only appear

in half the episodes of Taxi.



Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed

   minutes of meditation...



...prior to filming.



Mr. Kaufman

gets his own network special.



Taxi must guarantee

four guest appearances...



...for Tony Clifton.







Tony Clifton.



Who the hell is Tony Clifton?



I don't know.



And now...



...Mama Rivoli's

is proud to present...


            international singing sensation!



Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Tony Clifton.



Ladies and gentlemen, due to

Mr. Clifton's vocal constraints...



...he asks that you

extinguish your smoking material...



...your cigars and cigarettes.




I paid    bucks for that cigar!



I'm sorry.



And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Entertainment...



...Tony Clifton!



No wonder my happy heart sings



Your love has given me wings



I got the wings of a dove



I got the wings...



I got the chicken wings

from Kentucky Fried.



Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-di.



Stick a needle in your eye!



Let's get something straight, people.

I play big showrooms in Vegas.



I need this place like I need

a shotgun blast to the face.



Let's go down and meet

some of the audience. All right.



Hey, how you all doing?

Where you from?



Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!



Somebody's wearing a lot of perfume.

Must be that time of the month.



I know all the tricks.



So how you doing?



You enjoying that pasta carbonara?



It appears that you are!



Hey, look out! I think you

sat in some cottage cheese.



Pardon me. That's your ass.



How you doing? You enjoying the show?






What's your name?









What's your last name,







Gorsky? That Polish?






You trying to do Polish humor?



-No, that's--

-Shut up!



-That's just my name.

-Shut up!



I do not appreciate racial slurs!



I think them dumb Polacks

have been ridiculed enough!



I do a clean show here!



You want to see humor?



Here's some humor right here.



Right there, okay?



Sit down and enjoy that, okay?



And you! Shapiro!



I'll see you backstage, baldy.



What do you want?



Just a little friendly conversation,




You hungry? You look thin!



Italiano, cacciatore

Scaloppine, pasta fagiol



I don't understand this act.



It's old-fashioned entertainment,

George. Everyone loves a villain.



What about that poor schlub

you humiliated?



Hey, man, excellent show.



That was a great show.

That was awesome.



George, this is my writer

and old friend, Bob Zmuda.



Hey, George. How are you?

I'm Bob.



He's very creative.



I'm the brains behind this operation.



Yeah, dream on.



He once faked a lion

escaping from the Chicago Zoo.



This was fantastic, George.



We got like    actors

tearing through the zoo.



And they're all screaming,

"There's a fucking lion, man, a lion!"



Your name's not Gorsky.



Don't believe everything you hear,




This cannot leave this room.



Do not write this down.



Tony Clifton is Andy Kaufman.



And Andy Kaufman is Tony Clifton.



They'll deny it up and down,

but believe me, it's true.



This is great business.



You get two Andy Kaufmans

for the price of one.






What's up?



They said yes!



You're getting everything.





-Whatever you want.



Thank you very much.



It was so good. It was so good.



-I have to do Taxi, don't I?

-You gotta do Taxi.



Party time for Latka.



Not till you take off

those overalls.



This is a good party!



No, no, no! Latka, listen to me.



There's a drug in those cookies.












I have never been so emotional

in all my life!



And this is for my mother!

And this is for my father!



And this is for my grandfather!



I hope you have a small family.



Thank you very much.



-I'm gonna quit.




Every show is worse than the last one.



Forty million people are watching

your ass, Kaufman.



What do they know?



Absolutely nothing! That's the

beauty. Man, look, it's credibility.



You make them love you now,

and then on your special...


            can fuck with their heads.

The sky is the limit, man!



Oh, yeah? I don't care!



Sir, there's a problem

down on the Kaufman special.



They say he's not following

the technical requirements.






Thanks for coming on my show.



Oh, well, thanks for having me--



-Okay. Right now. Roll it.




It's my special!



-I have creative control! Roll it!




Do it, man!



Oh, be careful, please.



Only positive energy allowed

beyond this point.



I've been hearing fabulous things

about the special.



What, did we hit a little speed bump?



And his name is Colin.



Look. Kid Genius told me

to mess with the vertical hold.



Show me. Show me.



Show him, Colin.



Thanks for having me

on your show, Andy.



Boy, it sure--



It'll be great!



People will think their TV is broken!



They'll get out of their chairs

and walk to the TV, twist the knobs...


            the TV store: "Hey,

I paid a lot of money for that TV."



They'll bang on the television

and they won't be able to fix it!



We don't want the viewers

to get out of their chairs.



But it's funny!

It's a practical joke.



The viewer must be able

to see the program.



But it's only gonna be for    seconds.















Okay, Andy,    seconds.



Ten seconds, okay.



-Ten seconds is all I wanted.

-Ten seconds is absolutely perfect.



Howdy, I've been watching you

since I was a boy.



I didn't know what TV was,

but I was watching you.



Look how cute he is.

Isn't this great?



It is so moving.



This is not funny.



This is artsy-fartsy shit.

I mean, what?



This is the magical part of the show.

It's not all like this.



It's hysterical! It gets very funny.



We're the number one network.

Can't we afford a decent TV?



No, no, no, that's part of the show.



-This is part of the show?




What do you mean?



That's the way Andy wants it,

with the rolling.



Thanks, Andy. I love you too.



Tell Kaufman this network

will never air this program.



Hey, that's Andy Kaufman.



You want to bet?



Hey! Hey!



Excuse me. Are you Andy Kaufman?



I get that all the time.






This is ridiculous.

Take off that apron.



No. I'd rather work here than at ABC.



I'm sorry.

They're a bunch of assholes.



Look, we work in a creative business.



There's no telling what people

will like or dislike.



The only reason I did Taxi,

the only reason...



...was to have my own special.



Oh, I know. I'll tell you what.



Let me book you some colleges now...



...then I'll take the special

and show it to people...



...and see if anybody wants to buy it.



We'll have a garage sale.



No, I'm over and out.



-You're not over and out.

-I am over and out.



-You can't be.

-I'll show you.



You've got a deal with ABC.

You've got to honor it.



All right. How much longer is

left on my contract?



Well, you signed for five years,

so four years and seven months.



Thank you.



It's really great to be here.



We're gonna have a great show tonight.

A really good one!



We're gonna start

by singing some songs.



Do Latka.



-Yeah, Latka!







Excuse me for one second.



I saw that.



-Give me the book.

-What book?



-Give me the book.

-I'm not giving it to you.



-Is something wrong?

-No, everything's fine.



Can I squeeze your nuts?




They're asking for it.



Ladies and gentlemen,

since you're such a...



...special audience...



...I am going to reveal

for the very first time ever...



...the real me.



That's right.



I'm actually British.



And though I dabble in clowning,

I do find it so boorish.



So American.



I prefer the fine arts.



Henceforth, today...



...I'm going to grace you

with a reading...



...of one of the greatest novels

ever written...



... The Great Gatsby

by F. Scott Fitzgerald.






"In my younger

and more vulnerable years...


            father gave me some advice...



...that I've been turning over

in my mind ever since.



'Whenever you feel like criticizing

anyone,' he told me...



'...just remember that all

the people of this world--"'






"But we've always been unusually

communicative in a reserved way...



...and I understood that he meant

a great deal more than that."



Thank you very much.



"In consequence, I'm inclined

to reserve all judgments...



...a habit that has opened up

many curious natures to me...



...and also made me the victim

of not a few veteran bores."



No, no. No, no. Please keep it down.

We've got a long way to go.



"They were the same people,

or at least the same sort of people...



The same profusion of--"



I tell you what. I tell you what.



Would you rather I kept reading...



...or do you prefer to hear

the phonograph record?






I'm sorry, I can't hear you.



Are you positive?






Very well, then.



Yeah, Mighty Mouse!



"Perhaps his presence gave the evening

its quality of oppressiveness.



It stands out in my memory from

Gatsby's other parties that summer. "



"--green light, the orgiastic future

that year by year recedes before us.






Tomorrow we will run faster...



...stretch our arms out further...



...and one fine morning...



So we beat on, boats against

the current, borne back...



...ceaselessly into the past.



The End."



All right!



You want to play Arizona State?



You give them Mighty Mouse,

give them Elvis.



I gave them The Great Gatsby.

F. Scott Fitzgerald's best work.



-A classic.

-His finest work.



I don't care!



Andy, you have to look inside...



...and ask this question:



Who are you trying to entertain?



The audience or yourself?



Excuse me.




-What, George?



I'm worried about Andy.



This is not good. His stress level

is affecting his work!



Calm down, though, George.

That's not gonna help anything.






...Tony Clifton is gonna

go on Taxi next week.



That should let him blow off steam

and relieve the stress.



Bob, Andy needs to relax.



This is your job. You have to

take him away from all of this.



Would you come on?



Come on!



Hi, how you doing?



Fine. Great.



Hello. Nice to meet you.



Nice to meet you.



-How are you?




-What do we do now?

-Now you pick.



But what if I

hurt somebody's feelings?



For Chris sake, you're not gonna

hurt anybody's feelings.



They're all professionals.



-All right?




All right, which one?



I will have both!



I will have this fräulein,

and the one with the big strudels.



Mach schnell, mach schnell!



Oh, no. Zmuda, I'm gonna kill you.



Excellent choice.






Are you having a good day?



It's a big day. It's my buddy's

first time with a prostitute.



What are you talking about?

Andy comes here almost every weekend.



Who, Andy?



He doesn't always call himself that.



Sometimes he's Tony

and he wears a tux.



Sneak attack!



If I gave you both $   ...



...would you...



...come to Hollywood

and help me destroy a TV show?



Five hundred.



What am I? Harry Houdini?



We busted through. Come on, girls.



Welcome to the Follies Bree-gere!



Here's the man, Tony Clifton!



Taxi, laxy, just the factsy, Maxie!



Hey, hotshot. How you doing?



-Name's Ed Weinberger, executive--

-Take a hike! All right.



All right, what are we doing?



Here's your script, Tony.



-That's the script I was given?




That's the one I have to do?



Okay, let me see.



Bullshit, bullshit, my line.



Bullshit, bullshit, my line.



That's hilarious!

God, that's hilarious!



I reviewed that script last night

and I was not satisfied.



I was not satisfied.



-Why don't we--?

-I made a few changes.



I stayed up all night

with these sweet ladies.



This is Lemonade. Sugar.



Ed, can we get to work?



You going on a hot date?



And this is Melonia.



How's my little produce department?



This is the new Taxi theme song.



Oh, yes, we drive a taxi






I can't afford to blow

this whole episode...


            we have to let him go.



I'm not sure how Andy's

gonna take this.



We just have to go down and tell him.



But that's Tony down there.

It's not Andy.



I don't give a fuck who it is,

he's fired.



Okay, all right. But we better

warn Andy first.



He's in San Francisco doing a concert.

I'll call my secretary.



Diane, this is George.



I'm trying to reach Andy

up in San Francisco.



-I'll patch you through.

-I'll wait.




-Andy, I'll put you on the speaker.



Hello, Andy.



I'm here with Ed over at Taxi.



-Hi, Ed.

-Hi, Andy.



-How are you?

-I'm fine.



-There's been some trouble with Tony.

-Oh, no!



Did he get hurt?



No, Andy, it's nothing like-- No.



-Did he hurt someone else?

-No, it's not that.



Andy, the reason I'm

calling you like this is...



...I have the utmost respect

for your artistry.



Well, may I say that I've

always appreciated that, Ed.



Thank you.

But you see, in this instance...



...I have to ask your permission

to fire Tony.



Oh, my...



George, this is gonna kill Tony.

He's waited for this his whole life.



There'll be other shots.



Yeah, we have to do this.

He's just a terrible actor.



Okay. But please let him down gently.



Trust us.



Fuck you! I'm not going!



We had a deal.



I don't know who you talked to.

You must have talked to someone else!



I was talking to Andy Kaufman!



I don't know no Andy Kaufman!



Okay! Security, get in here!



Security! Come over here!






Don't hurt him!

He's a talented man.



I don't want any pictures

leaving this set!



Hey, give me that!



This is Zmuda, he's one of them!



If you guys ever go to Vegas,

you're not getting in!



Hey, come here!

Give me the camera!



Give me the camera!



I got    bucks says

you work for me now!



I would like to use the phone!



Not on the lot, sir.



How about a bathroom?

I may have shit my pants.



-Drink of water? Aspirin?




-Moist towelette?




In that case, it has been an honor...



...and a goodbye.



This is great!



This is too much, man.



It makes Tony real, you know?

It gives him three dimensions.



It's good for his career, George.



Oh, really? You want to

book Tony Clifton at Harrah's Tahoe.



I know the kids

really like Andy Kaufman.



No, no, no, look.

Gene, let me be clear about this.



If you book Tony,

do not expect to get Andy.



Well, you know what,

I'll take my chances.



All right. Be my guest. Book him.



Shut up!



Shut the hell up!

All of you!



Make one more sound, I'll come down

and put your head in the soup!



When I go like this,

it means I expect total silence!



There is an artiste on-stage.



That's better.



Oh, whether I'm right



Or whether I'm wrong



Whether I find a place in this world



Or never belong



I've got to be me



I've gotta be me



Willing to try to do it or die



Thank you very much.



Thank you. I do all my own stunts.



I've got to be



What the hel"s going on?






Kaufman's crapping on my act!



Where's it say Kaufman's

in the act?



May I borrow this for a second?



Now you are all wet.



You looked like you could

use a little drink!



Go on, get out of here!



Don't leave, Andy, come back.



Get out of here, little drummer boy!



Don't leave, Andy, come back!



Go home!



Close the goddamn door. Close it!



Look at you.



You're so proud.



You're like a kid

who comes home from school:



"Look, Dad, I got an F!"



But wasn't it funny?



"Yes, it was funny, Andy. It was."



Yes, it was funny

for a little while...



...until the audience realized

that Tony wasn't you.



So what do you have here?

A big elaborate joke...



...that's only funny

to two people in the universe.



You and you.



Yeah, sure, George. And we happen

to think that it's hilarious.



But what's the point?

What is the point?



It's fun, George.



How is this gonna make you

the biggest star in the world?





            this point the audience

expects me to shock them all the time.



But short of faking my own death

or setting the theater on fire...



...I don't know what else to do.



I've always gotta be

one step ahead of them.



It's like ballet.



Did you see that?






These guys are brilliant.



I want to be a bad-guy wrestler

in the worst way.



I hate to break it to you, but...


            don't have the build

or the look for it.



These guys are huge.

They would kick your ass.



Maybe I could pick on someone

a little smaller than me.



Women are superior to men

in many ways.



That's right.



When it comes to cooking, cleaning,

washing the potatoes...



...scrubbing the carrots, making

the babies, mopping the floors...



...they have it all over men.

I believe that.



But when it comes to wrestling--



Shut up!



Be quiet when the man is talking!



If there is a woman here who can

come up here and prove me wrong...



...I will shut my mouth

and pay her $   !



I can do it!



First come first served.



Come on! You want to take me?

Come on!



-What's your name, sweetheart?

-My name is Lynne.



Lynne is our volunteer.



You're pathetic. You're pathetic.



We'll see about that, Suzy-Q!



No kicking, biting,

punching, scratching.



Do you understand?



He's gonna play fair?



You have to pin me.

I don't have to pin you.



Yes, I understand.



Very good.

Can we please shake hands?



Come out wrestling

when you hear the bell.



You see? You see this?



Lynne, no chokeholds!

I told you!



Break it up, Kaufman!



First warning!



You pulled her hair!



You won't be getting a second warning,




Shut up! I am the champion!



One. Two.




That is it!



It is over! It is over!



You are out! You are down!



The winner and still undisputed...



...Intergender Wrestling

Champion of the World...



...Andy Kaufman!



I am the winner!



I've got the brains!



Ma'am? Here is your

complimentary photo of Merv.



-And your Turtle Wax.

-I don't want Turtle Wax.



Every guest of Merv's

takes Turtle Wax.



-And your gift voucher to Red Lobster.

-Thank you so much.



I just wanted to thank you

for doing such a great job.



I really appreciate it.



Don't patronize me.



-No, wait!




I hope you don't take me seriously.



What I was saying,

it's just part of the show.



It's like the old days

of the carnival barker...



...when he'd get the crowd

all riled up.




Special help by SergeiK