Marci X Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Marci X script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Lisa Kudrow and Damon Wayans movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Marci X. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Marci X Script



Good evening, I'm Marci Feld.



Oh, thank you.



Please! Oh, please, stop it!



Enough. That's enough.



Tonight, the American Jewish




You Jews, you wonderful Jews.



Who needs Santa Claus?

Am I right?



Tonight, the AJF presents

its highest honor,



its Global Humanitarian Award,



to the finest human being

I have ever known.



This award goes to my father,

Mr. Ben Feld.



We love you, bubby!



Ben! We're here for you!



Isn't he handsome?



And kosher, right?



Love you.



Now, most of you may think of my

father as, first and foremost,



an incredibly successful

corporate legend,



but he has always taught me

about responsibility



and giving something back.



He would say, "Sweetheart, you

are the prettiest, the smartest,



"the most perfect girl

in the whole world,



so you must reach out

to all of those who aren't."






Doesn't Marci

look fabulous?









The full Marci.



Ten years ago,



we opened our first

shelter for the homeless,



helping those in need

of a bed, counseling,



and shampoo and conditioner.



Next came a drug rehab program

called "Marci Cares,"



and today, there are   

branches of Marci Cares



all across the tri-state area.



Can you imagine being

addicted to heroin?



Oh, it's heartbreaking.



But does the weight

stay off?



I only wish that my mother

Sheila could be with us



on this joyous occasion.



But, as some of you know,

six years ago,



while we were opening

a free clinic in Johannesburg,



she was tragically killed by

a savage South African leopard.



It is in her memory



that I would now like to present

this medal of mercy,



a medal from Marci.



Tonight, this award

goes to my father,



Mr. Ben Feld!



We have problems, sir.






Daddy, where are you going?



Was it the entree?









What's going on?



Marci, incoming.



This way, Miss Feld.



Daddy, what is wrong? I...



Shh! Sweetheart, sit.



The corporate crisis

centering on Ben Feld



has begun to escalate

out of control.



I got here as

fast as I could.



Daddy, what is this?



Daddy's busy.



...include the notorious

urban record label



called Felony Assault.



Earlier today,

that label released



a new CD by controversial

gangsta rap star Dr. S.



Dr. S has been

a hard-core success...



I don't know this person.



He's a rapper.



His songs are known

for their extreme sexual



and often violent content.



His latest release, however,



is by far his most provocative.



Controversy is erupting,

protesters are converging



on Feldco headquarters

in Manhattan.



An angry mob is calling for

blood, specifically the blood



of mogul Ben Feld...



Oh, Daddy, is that your picture?



...honored tonight

as a great humanitarian.



I am here with senator



and leading media watchdog

Mary Ellen Spinkle.



Oh, no.



I am appalled.



Is she wearing

a helmet?



I am outraged.



I am so disgusted



that I can barely speak...

but I will.



Oh, my God. Oh, my God!



This recording

is unspeakably offensive,



not just to all Americans,



but to all human beings




I will not quote the lyrics

because, as a Christian,



I cannot even pronounce

some of the words.



But let me just read you

some of the song titles:



"Shoot the Teacher."



Oh, my...




-Not good.



"l Am the King of Your Mouth."



-Very nice.

-Uh-oh. -Ooh!



"You My Special Bitch."







"l Love You Because

I'm High."



"Six Grades Are Plenty."



Lane, did you ask Legal?

Do I really own this label?



You bought it years ago

as part of a package.



"lt Ain't My Baby Because

I Don't Like You."



This is it.



...and "The Power in my Pants."



Has Dr. S gone too far?



I don't blame these rappers,



I blame the man who profits

from this perversion!



I blame the man who makes

his dirty millions



from the wholesale slaughter

of our children's innocence!



I blame an American Satan,

Ben Feld!



I am calling for a complete

boycott of all Feldco products



including movies, newspapers,

TV shows,



and DVDs!



A boycott?

A boycott?!



Are you listening to this,

Mr. Feld?



Or I should say "Mr. Filth."



Ben Feld...



you are a dead man!













Ben, don't die!



The moral firestorm

blazing around Ben Feld



has raged into a white-hot

economic inferno.



A what?!



Pickets have closed

record stores nationwide.



My God... I'm choking...



We have contacted Tubby Fenders,



the president of Felony Assault,



who is currently serving time



-in a penitentiary.







Mr. Fenders, what about Dr. S?



Dr. S would never apologize!



He would never bow down

to the white man's censorship!



Just like me, he has been

unjustly oppressed and accused!



Tubby Fenders, the president

of Felony Assault Records.



Give me that remote!



Big baby!



I can't believe this.



Everything I worked for

my whole life,



it's all going

to crumble.



Baby, I'm so sorry.






Because you

have to see all this.



Because l...



I just wish I had a son.



Why would you want a son?



Someone to take over,

to take charge,



so that you wouldn't

have to worry.



Someone we could trust.



Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.



I just two weeks, we are going

to put Ben Feld on trial



before the entire civilized

world and China...



That's it! That's it!



I'm out of here!






Uh-oh. Dr. Skellar!



I need Dr. Skellar!



Oh, Daddy! Look...

Look what's happening.



I can't stay here!

I... I...



You get back in that bed,

Your Highness.



Mr. Feld...



Mr. Feld, you are an

extremely sick man.



Now, no visitors,



and nurse, get rid

of that television



and I need    cc's

of Valium right now.



Oh, thank you.



For your father.










I'm going to put you

in complete isolation



for two weeks

for your own good.



No cell phones, no faxes,

no lnternet, nothing.



Like the '  s?



I'm warning you, Ben.



If you have any more

stress, it could kill you.



Sweetheart, please,

just go.



You don't think



the rules apply to you, do you?



Ben, you're in real danger.



You're a very sick man.



Thank God you're rich.



You're here in this hospital



and you're going to stay here

until I release you.









Oh, Marci,

I can't believe it!



Are you all right?

Is your dad okay?



Have you bathed?



Look, chocolates!



Did you get a chance

to bathe yet?



They're for you...

and your dad.



But I feel so useless.



I love my father so much

and I can't even help him.



And he doesn't... he doesn't

really want me to try.



Why not?



He said he wished he had a son.



Maybe he's right.



Maybe I'm not strong enough

or smart enough.



Maybe I am just a socialite.



Excuse me?



Just a socialite?



You serve on the boards

of three major museums.



You are a guest editor



at Vogue, Vanity Fair,

and Mademoiselle.



And last year alone,

you raised over seven figures



for literacy, muscular dystrophy

and cancer.



In this town, you are cancer.



No, but this involves law suits

and spin control



and the whole worldwide

entertainment industry.



Which is your life.



You introduced Princess Diana

to Mother Teresa



at your bat mitzvah.



They had cake.



Well, not Diana.



Time Magazine has declared you



the most charming white woman

in America under   .



Oh, except we're

talking about rap.



And, you know, the inner cities



and censorship and the cultural

legacy of black people.



Well, I happen

to adore black people.




-Word up.



Word perfect.



You can get anybody

to do anything you want.



It's your gift.



Yeah, yeah,



yeah, and my dad

is being isolated.



But I've only got two weeks

until the hearings.



So get out there...



...and show your father

just what you're capable of.



You say, "Watch out, America,

here comes Marci."



Yeah, I'm going to go see

that Dr. S,



in person, on his own turf.



I'll explain everything

and we can work together.



Marci cares.



Marci loves.



Marci saves her father's life.







So where is this Dr. S?







-All the way.



Yeah, someone call



for a doctor?



You say you want the power,

the power to see



You say you want the power,

the power to be



You want to see the power,

then give it a glance



Come on, I got the power,

the power in my pants



You say you want the power,

the power so fine



Screaming for the power,

the power that's mine



If I showed you all the power,

you'd go into a trance



I have you in my power,

with the power in my pants



We want the power



Try not to stare



We want the power



Give me some air



We want the power



Give, give, give



Give me some drums



We want the power



Here it comes



You say you want the power,

the power to come



# You want to ride

the power to the maximum #



You say you use the power

to enhance romance



Come on, take some power,

the power in my pants



You say you need the power,

the power supreme



You want to touch the power,

till you make it your dream



-You play with the power...

-Excuse... Hi.



You know it's your chance



Got a magic wand, yeah,

the power in my pants



Hold on to your purse.



We want the power



'Cause he got game



We want the power



# You're playing games #



-All right!




Feel my song inside your thong



The power that stick,

that knows every trick



If you can't live with it,

then you don't know dick.



Thank you.



Sit down.



Sit your asses down.



All right.



How y'all feeling?






Ain't y'all glad

there's a doctor in the house?






I want to give

a special shout out



to someone who is near

and dear to my heart.



I think you all know

who I'm talking about.



That's right.



She's a recording artist,



and she's got a workout video



and her own perfume.



And she got an ass you just want

to take pictures with.



You know who I'm talking about--



the Booty Monster herself...



Miss Yolanda Quinones.






Am I late?



You're late,

but you're right on time.



Come on, sit down



while the Doctor

put on the clinic.



Hey, Medic, show 'em

how we operate.






Go. Go talk to him.



For your father.






Spanky, here.



Coming off,



coming through

and going back.



Dr. S, hi.

Marci Feld.



It's a pleasure.






Who are you?



Um, I'm Ben Feld's daughter.



Anyway, I can see

you're very busy,



so I'm just going

to take a second.



But we really do have to chat



about, you know, your new CD.






Well, I'm sure you know

all about the hoo-ha.



Please. Ooh!



I'm also sure you're every bit

as upset about it as I am.



You know.



You're upset?

You're hot and bothered?






Anyway, I have a plan.



-You do, huh?




You're just going to love it.



I bet I will.



Oh, yeah.



Ew, this is...

all covered with you.



You know, you could sell that.



Oh, yeah?



-On eBay.







Oh, okay.



Well, here it is.



Um... next week,

you're supposed to appear live



at the MTV Awards.



Perfect-- it's global,

millions of people watching.



Just the perfect place



for you to say to the entire

world, "I'm really sorry.



"l went too far.



Ben Feld is fabulous,

and I apo..."



I'm good. Thank you.



"...and I sincerely apologize."



Um, well, tomorrow morning

at   :  --



I thought we could

kick things off, you know,



with a public relations

event, sort of, in a way.



Five seconds.



How do I look?



You look amazing.



I got to run.



Stick around, all right?



Okay. You're too sweet.

I mean that.



It went very well.



He said to wait here,

and I don't know why.



Y'all take five.



What's happening?



Check this out.



I don't know if y'all

been tracking it,



but a lot of people

been coming down on the Doctor



for speaking his mind.



Folks like Senator Spinkle,



and the media.



And Mr. Ben Feld.



Guess who we got

in the audience tonight?






We got his little



goddamn daughter,

Marci Feld is here.



Kick her ass!



Kill her!



And she wants me...



-No. apologize...



Hell, no!



...and do some

public relation shit.



She wants me to change

who I am.






Say, bitch!



Oh, my God.



Bring your pasty white ass

out here.



You get out there.



You tell him you are not

a bitch. Not always.



That's your answer

right there.



I'm a real nigger.



I don't change for no one.



I ain't changing shit.



Can I get an amen?






You're out

of your element, baby.



You're out of your league.



And you're out

of your goddamn mind.



This is Harlem.



Get the hell out of my ghetto.



'Cause these people

ain't feeling you.



You know why?



'Cause you're not real.



You're unreal.



You're where real goes to die.



What do you mean I'm not real?






Talking about down.



Real is who you are.



And it's what you ain't.



Kill that bitch!



Shoot that bitch!



Whack, whack, whack,



whack, whack, whack, whack,



whack, whack, whack, whack...



Whack, whack...






I'm sorry.



...whack, whack...



Okay, okay!



If I can get real,

whatever the hell that means,



will you show up

tomorrow morning?



And how you going to get real?



What you going to do?

You going to rap for us?



No, I can't rap.



You can't rap?

Then I can't go. Bye.






All right, all right.



If I do rap,

do I have your word?



Word to your mother.



But you're going

to need a little beat.



Hold on.



What do you mean, a beat?



You can't rhyme if you

don't have no rhythm.



Hi, hi, hey, hey



Everybody have a nice day...



All right!






It's okay.



Maybe she needs some bass.

Give her some bass.



Yeah, I need bass.



Give her some S! Yes!






Hi, hi, I'm so real



Let me tell you how I feel...



God, this is so embarrassing.



She's so white.



I can't watch.



We know how you feel.



And I know what

you want to feel.






But he's mine, bitch.



Okay, just give me another beat.



We're running out of beats.



Give her another one.

Go on.






Now listen, I know

I suck at this, okay?



But it's my very, very

first time.



And I'm just not very musical.



Although I did love Lion King.



All right, so, but rapping.



Let me just think



for a minute, okay?



So, okay, so rapping,

it's about being...



about being honest...



"real," right?






So, okay, okay, okay.



I would really like to talk

to all the women



in the audience...



in the house.



As you say.



Give me what you gave him.












Get down.



He says he's got the power



Somewhere in his pants



He says that I'm not real



That I don't stand a chance



Okay, I'm white, I'm blonde,

I'm Jewish



Could it get any worse?



But I have got a secret



The power in my purse



When I was very little,

my mom said to me



A man's just a man,

nothing comes free



Well, who can I trust

in this universe?



She said you trust the power,

the power in your purse



We've got the power



This one's Chanel



We've got the power



Mm, new purse smell



We've got the power



Yes, it's all right here



We've got the power



Come on, dawgs, get it in gear.



You tell it, girl!



Go on!



It's au courant,

just what you want



Hermes, Versace,

Saint Laurent



Please give me more

of Michael Kors



And Gucci, Pucci, Miss Dior



Louis Vuitton

just gets me gone



Ferra, Dolce, turn me on



Halston, Calvin, hip hooray



Herve Leger and Gaultier



Give me Ralph or give me Donna



Valentino, yes, I wanna



Lagerfeld, and in all candor



Balenciaga and Jill Sander



Armani, please, you know I gotta



And Missoni, Boss and Prada



Badgley Mischka,

Courreges, Cardin



Can I keep going?

Yes, I can



De la Renta and Kamali



Lecroix, Bill Blass,

bravo, Cavalli!



Betsey Johnson, Anna Sui



I see me in a Givenchy



Von Furstenburg and Perry Ellis



Please, Mark Jacobs,

don't be jealous



I love them all,

it's like a curse



It's fashion power in my purse



She's got the power



Oh! I love this thing



She's got the power



Everyone, sing, sing, sing



She's got the power



God, what it stores



She's got the power



So come on now, what's in yours?



-I got powder

-I've got gloss



-I got Kleenex

-I got floss



-I've got Visa




Yo, girlfriends,

you're living large



-I've got gum

-A bra with lace



-I've got tweezers

-I've got mace



-I got my smokes

-I've got a light



I've got the sun in the morning

and the moon at night



Thank you, Jesus

Thank you, Jesus



For my heavenly purse...






Okay, all right.



And I am telling you



I'm not going-ah...



That's all I know.



We've got the power



We cannot lose



We've got the power



Look, it matches our shoes



We've got the power



Come on, everyone dance



We've got the power



See, we don't need pants













Power, we've got the power



Power, Power






Power, we've got the power



Power, Power



Power, we've got the power!



You my goddamn lawyer,

just get me out of here.



Dr. S is joining

a public service campaign



to promote sexual abstinence.



Still, Feldco stock

continues to plummet.



Yo, Tubby!



Go, mama.



Did you hear about that Marci?



How could you let

that happen to me?



Baby, I'm in the joint, boo.



Tubby, you and I have a deal.



You promised me total

personal management.



That is why I signed

with your label.



You gave me

your word on Dr. S.



You said that we could be

a power couple.



It's under control.



I know we got to do something

about that bitch.



When, Tubby?



I'm on it.

I'll let you know, baby.



But he'll be here any second.



He gave me his word.



He's already cost us

over two hours.



You know, he's on his way.



He's in the car.

His people called.






Oh, Dr. S.



I told you.



Oh, you look great.



Doctor, this is

your director, Todd.



Okay, what is this shit?



Well, we're making

a public service spot



sponsored by the Save

Our Families Foundation



and you are going to

be its spokesperson.



Isn't that the best?



Hold on, spokesperson for what?






Let me introduce you

to your costars.



This is so major.



Just last week they sold

over     million copies



of their new CD.



What are you doing?



Look, they are huge.



This way.



Parents love them



because they are




Now if you appear with them,



people will see that

you're not so, you know,



filthy and evil and disgusting.



Not that those are bad things.



You know, last night,



I thought you were just

some crazy-ass bitch.



Now I have three little words

to say.



"Thank you, Marci"?



"Bye, bye, bye."



If you don't do this,

I will call Feldco



and we will stop

shipping your CDs today.



And you will be dead meat.



Which also describes abstinence.



Okay, what do I got to do?



Come on, the press

will be here soon.



We've got all the magazines

and the papers.



Don't you love this?



Oh, it reminds me of

my playhouse when I was little.



Did you have a playhouse?



-I did. -I did.

-I did. -I did.



Okay. Dr. S, this is Mikey,



Jonathan, Adam and Kelly.



Dr. S, may I present

Boyz R Us.



-What up?

-Props to the Doctor.



Okay, why don't we

run through the song



so Dr. S can see what it is

he'll be doing with you.






Watch it. Here.



Bell, please.



Okay, this will be

a full rehearsal



with cameras and everything.



-You want to sit? No.

-Can I get some lights, please?



And... action!



"A" mark.



Sexual abstinence spot,

take one.



Hold on... Hold on



Let's wait... Let's wait



Let's hold hands in the sunset



Let's date



What I feel for you is special



So let's not spoil it



Our bodies are a temple



Not a public toilet



Take care... Take care



Say whoa... Say whoa



If you see me coming



Girl, it's time to go



Let's be patient

till our wedding day



Till God tells us that it's okay



Till then,

let's stay six feet away



Girl, shut that gate



Hold off... Hold off



Hold off,

Hold off



Let's wait



Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh



Let's wait.






-Love of God.




-Wonderful! -Beautiful!

-Wasn't that something?



Guys, that was really nice.



Can you get through?



Yeah, that was something.









And you're going

to introduce them.



Isn't that inspiring?



We have a responsibility

to our fans.



Yeah, we get so many

beautiful letters



from these sweet

little girls.



And their families.



And college-educated older men.



Dr. S?



Okay, I'm there.



But first, I'm gonna need

somewhere private to rehearse.



Of course.



With my dawgs.



Bell, please.






You see?

I told you he'd be into this.



He's gonna make America say,



"Hey, let's give this guy

another chance."



-We're lucky to have him.




"A" mark.



Sexual abstinence spot,

take two.



And action!



Hey, kids.



Gather 'round.



It's me, Dr. S.



And I know,

especially when you're young,



this world can be

a very complicated place.



So I want you to listen up



to some good pals of mine



'cause they got a very important

message for today's teens.



Hey, guy... Hey, guy



Let's date... Let's date



Let's date... Let's date



'Cause we're both

something special



Not straight



What I feel for you

is groovy



So let's enjoy it



I think your sister's pretty



But let's boy and boy it



I saw... I saw



You wink... You wink



And life is so much better



Now that we're in sync






I really like

your smiling face



My beach house has a fireplace



We'll watch reruns

of Will and Grace



Let's fornicate



Hold on... Hold on



Hold tight... Hold tight



Let's date,

let's date, let's date



Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh



Let's date.



-That was so good.

-Wasn't it?



Now please keep in mind

this is your last chance



to clean up your act.



You're lucky I thought

of bringing you tonight.



This party is such a fabulous

idea for our campaign.



Now people will see

that you're really decent



and helpful and nice.



Nice, my ass.



When you gonna wake up

and smell the brother?



What is that, rabbit?



Siberian chinchilla,     Gs.



What's that you got on?



Lab rat?



This is classic white mink.



Is that platinum?



Yes, ghetto fabulous.



What about your earrings,

those real diamonds?



-Of course.




I didn't know they made them

that small.



You know, you remind me

of someone in that outfit



with the jewelry and the hair.



Yeah, who?



Biggie? Tupac? DMX?



My Aunt Esther.






Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,



to our annual auction

to benefit CWNFlTA,



Children With No Feeling

In Their Arms.






It is a terrible illness still

affecting far too many wee ones.



Wee ones?



It's tragic.



They can't dial.



Ouch! Stop it!






Thank you.



That's great.

All right.



Our first item is something

truly, deeply exciting.



It's dinner for two

with the handsome,



the totally dreamy

Mr. Donald Trump.



I love Donald.



She can't be real.



Who wants dinner

with Donald Trump?



You don't have to touch him.



Maybe he's changed.



That's his real hair.



-This is whack.




Oh, that means "bad."



I do volunteer work,

teaching black teenagers



to wear the correct size.



I'll be back. Excuse me.



Is that Chuck Berry?






What is he doing?



You need some help, baby.



I'm here to back you up.



I'm... I'm working, okay?



Just go back to your seat.



It's okay.



We're working together

as a team.



They're old.

They don't have much time left.






shout out to the wee one.



Throw your hands up.



Stop it.






We got to get these

wee ones some arms.



My first item up,



I need to talk

to just the ladies.



Fellas, take five.



He is so sexy.



He's a gangsta.



He raps about guns

and bitches and hos.



That's what I said.



'Cause I know you ladies all

beautiful and bangin' and alone.



Are you alone, mama?



I'm with my husband.



Yeah, you're alone.






And you're all here



with your husbands

and your ex-husbands



and future ex-husbands,

but you're all alone.



I see it in your eyes.



Who's dis?



He's my fourth husband.



Your fourth husband.



Is he rich?



Not rich enough.



Then you're still alone.



And what do we have here?



Look at these lovely creatures

over here.



Hi, ladies.



Tell me the truth,

y'all ever get it on?



One bed, four bitches?

Be honest.



I'm telling you,



this room is just full

of lush, lonely,












Don't touch.



Now, who's wearing that perfume



that got me all worked up,

turned on, turned out, huh?



-Me. -Me.




Hey, hey,



now, now, don't fight,




That's right, ladies,



because you all deserve

something mo' better,



mo' blacker, mo' me.



Late at night you

want something hot



and homey.



You're not homey.



So, right now,

I'm offerin' a house call



from the doctor of love.



We gonna start the bidding

at    Gs.



$     .



Ladies... it's for the wee ones.



They can't touch themself

no place.



Do I hear    Gs?



$     !



$     !



$     !



$     !



$     !



$     !



$      !



That's great.



For the kids.



All right.



Thank you.



I'm so embarrassed.



Oh, stop it.



You made the bid.



He's got you.



That's true.



He's the man.



He's a player.



We're his bitches.



Yo, Yolanda, I just got word

they headed for the club.



Get over there.









On the way, boo.



What is this place?



This is my club.

My hang.



Do you own it?



Damn right.

And I will open up



branches in L.A.,

Atlanta, and Miami.



Plus a hotel and casino

in Vegas.



He's a mogul.



Like your father.



Very nice.



Stop it.



Yo, S!



Ladies, may I present



to you T-Bill, Freekazoid

and Quantrelle.



They all have such funny names.



Kirsten Blatt.



Caitlin Mellowitz.



Lauren Farb.



Hey, baby.



You know,

I did make the winning bid



at the auction for a house call.



So where does it hurt?



I'm not sure.



Does it hurt right there?



-Does that hurt?




What about right over here?






You must got a fever.



Well, maybe I'll feel better

down on the dance floor.



Stop. You dancing,

gettin' down busy?



I love dance.



Oh, my God,

there was this one piece



in college during

Black History Month,



we learned this dance

celebrating diversity.



Do you want to see it?



Oh, come on!



Okay, we need room.



This some good weed.



This is perfect.



Wait, wait, wait.

Excuse me, D.J.



We're going to explore

multi-cultural harmony



through self-expression.



Hector, cut it.



We're going to reach out.



We're going to celebrate




Yo, what's up

with those white chicks?



They gonna go dance

the black experience.






We are in Kenya.












And I'm an African princess



strolling along the Nile

with my handmaidens.



Our princess is proud.



But lonely.



She fears she will never find



her perfect rainbow soul mate.



We dance the tragic despair

of the unmarried princess.



Oh... Oh...



Oh, Oh.



What was in that weed?



That's what I'm sayin'.



The tribal drummer

feels our pain.



And his ancient rhythms

fill our souls.



To lift our spirits,

we sing our



favorite tribal chant.







The words mean,

"Maybe I should




-become a lesbian."






Suddenly, one of the handmaidens

breaks away.



She runs across the fields

discovering freedom



and joy,



and her own

personal creativity.



Ooh, aah, aah, aah, ooh.



That one's craziness is catchy,

right there.






All right, chill, handmaiden.



Calm down, dear.



The princess... Back...







...wonders if she will be

alone forever.



Then late one night



a noble prince arrives

from the village far away.



No, no. Don't push me.



A village called

Harvard Law School.



He is handsome and regal.



Hello, ladies.



Do I know you?






There is a gathering

with music and movement.



Your Highness.



You, too.



Don't talk too much.



Don't eat anything.



Ask about his hobbies.



You will have

many strong children.



When you're ready.



When he's king.



There is fire!



There is heat.



He's a great dancer.



Yo, what?!



Oh, snap, Yolanda's here.






You on your own, brah.



Baby, I was just...






I'm just gonna be right there.



I'm sorry.

I was just dancing.



I was telling...



You have insulted my people.



Your people?



You've insulted Ricky Martin,

Marc Anthony,



Christina Aguilera,

on her father's side...



I'm... I'm sorry.



Yolanda, baby, you look so fine



in your little Peter Pan outfit.



I wouldn't dog you,

you know that.



But does she?



You kicked me.



Stop it!

This is so wrong.



Women do not have to fight

each other over a man!



Not without mud, y'all.



Stop it!

Stop kicking me!



Okay, ladies,

just stop it, okay?



Y'all calm down,



otherwise somebody's blouse

might get pulled open.



I'm warning you



I-I know Tae-Bo.







I could kill you



while I sculpt and tone

my midsection.






Oh, shit.



-She hit her.

-You have touched me!



-And you've affected my hair!




Check this out:

six bills on the white chick.



Yeah, I got that.






Oh, oh, stop! Put that down!



Give me that.






Drop it!



-Marci! -Marci!




Everybody freeze!



White girl, she's got the gun.



Well, it's not mine.



Drop your weapon!



On the floor?

It's filthy.



Do it now!






Cuff her.



Cuff me?



My skin's very dry.



So... But it's going to chafe.









Oh, S, I was so scared.



I was bleeding and bleeding.



I think I need a photographer.



Dateline: depravity.



Last night, out-of-control

heiress Marci Feld



was arrested in an exclusive

uptown nightspot



where she allegedly fired

    rounds of live ammunition



into a crowd

of innocent bystanders.



How will this rampage affect

Marci's father, Ben Feld,



who remains hospitalized?



Is Marci now the gangster gal

of notorious rap demon Dr. S?



All across America,

outraged citizens are asking:



"Has Marci gone mad?"



-Marci Feld?




Get movin'.

Somebody posted bail.



Who? I told them, no one

is allowed to call my father.



You'll never guess.






You posted my bail?



How 'bout "thank you"?



"Thank you, Dr. S."



Well, "thank you"?



Yeah, thanks to you,

this happened to me.



Look at my shoe.



And this gown was new,

you know.



Oh, my skin--

I had to give my moisturizer



to this huge transvestite

with a razor blade.



You smell like fuzz.



Oh, thank you...



...for the information.



Oh, my God!






This could ruin everything!






I look beautiful.



Please put the paper down.



I got you covered.



Oh... Ow... Why?



Why did I think I could fix




Because you're daddy's

spoiled little girl,



that's why.



You know, I spent all night

with these women in that cell.



Hookers and pickpockets,

drug dealers.



I thought I was so superior,



and just now I'm realizing...



they have a skill.



They can take care

of themselves.



I mean, yeah,

they're all criminals, but...



they know who they are.



Who am l? I'm nothing.



Look, you know what you are?



You're a baller.



I am?



A bo'n thug.






I don't even know

what that is.



You know, when you were dancing

in that club...



you was kind of loose.



Kind of bangin'.



I banged?



You was down.



Ah, how low?



When you was doing

all that Tae-Bo shit



waving that gun around...



Oh, yeah.

That was kind of hot.



-That was some sexy shit.




You was illin'.



I was da bomb.



You were da shit.



I was the big smelly turd.

Is that one?



Give me this.



Come on, get in the car.






Because it's a limo.



All right.



-Got some right there.

-Thank you.



Well... don't.



Where are we going?



To my crib.






We can't do this.



Okay. I'll take you home.






But first can I ask

you a question?






When black people make love,



is... is it different?



From white folks?



Oh, yeah.



Mm-hmm. How?



It's good.



Oh, no.



Mm, mm, mm, wait.



But first, you have

to tell me one thing.



What is your real name?



Can I trust you?






Kelvin. Kelvin Drell.



I like that. It's real.






Now you got to

tell me something.



Something you've never

told anyone else.



Like what?



-Your weight.

-No. Oh, no.



No, that-that...

I couldn't do that.



No, that's-that's

too intimate.



No, I'm saving that

for my wedding night.



Trust me.

You'll feel better.



Why should I tell you,

of all people?



Because I don't care.



Oh, Kelvin.



Dr. S's posse is so hot.



It turns out Freekazoid went

to Harvard Business School



with my brother!



T-Ville is going to open

his own restaurant.



-Quantrelle isn't just a lawyer.

-He isn't?



He's a new form of Pilates.



Marci spent

the whole night in jail.



-She did?

-With Martha Stewart.






Okay! Oh, that's great.



That's great.



Oh, almost a quarter mile.



I'm exhausted.



Hi, hi! Hi!



The club!







How are you?



Well, you know how just forever



I've been going out

with one guy after another



and it's never really

worked out?



Like that gorgeous

investment banker.



-And the senator.

-And Bill Gates.



And you know how

they're all great,



but none of them

ever quite measured up



to this dream I had

of the perfect man?



Someone incredibly successful.



-And incredibly sexy.

-And incredibly strong.



Well, last night, I found him.

He found me.



-Oh, my God!

-This is so beautiful.



Oh, Marce!



There's just one day to go

before the MTV Music Awards,



and the story the world

can't stop talking about



is the rumored romance

between Dr. S and Marci Feld.



What's going on between

the princess and the player?



Is it the real thing?



Mary Hart.



Man, she don't write back.






Oh... man!



My brother!

















'Sup? You wanted to see me?



Yeah, I wanted to know,



all those years ago

in the projects,



who found you?



-Huh? -Who?




You was living next-door.



You were hungry. You broke in.



But who gave you the beats?



Who taught you to bounce?



Who made the first tape?



Who duped the demo?



-Straight up.

-Who? Who did it?



We did it together,



we started the label,



and you kept getting busted,



and I kept you on board.



But who believed?



What's up? What's going down?



You, my brother-- and I'm

saying that because I love you.



I love you, too, dawg.



And you're whack.






I tried to help you.



I sent Yolanda out

to get your attention.



You passed on by, you passed

on over, you passed on out.



Sure did.



What are you talking about?






Today we dealing



with Dr. S,



with a special BET jam

which I'm calling...



"He Real?"



So what do you think of Dr. S?

Is he real?



I don't know, man, he used

to be a bad-ass baller,



but now, what up?



He's supposed

to be with Yolanda.



He ain't down; he ain't real;



he ain't even Dr. S,

not no more.



Man, he Dr. Seuss.



Th-Those are just kids talking.



They're consumers.



-Buy your records!

-Right. Pay the bills!



Dr. S? I used to love him.



When I was doing it

with my last boyfriend,



I would put Dr. S's head on him.



But not now.



I hate him.

I hate him.



Oh, what, did he run out

of black women?



There's none left?



She don't know what's going on.



So with you and that Marci bitch

for the whole last week,



what's really been

going down, dawg?



Yeah, talk to us, S.



We just like spending time

together, having a meal.



Last night we rented DVDs.

So what?



Which ones?



They were kind of fabulous.



I mean, we saw, uh, Sleepless

in Seattle, City of Angels,



You've Got Mail,

stuff like that.



Meg Ryan?!






Not-not just Meg Ryan, nah, man.



I mean, we did

some-some hard-core



-inner-city shit, too.

-All right, all right.



Like this one where this chick

teaches these little ghetto kids



how to play violins.



Meryl Streep?!






This is like some sci-fi shit.






You're turning into

a Jewish chick.



Mazel tov.



Son, you got to choose:

the bitch or the brothers!



-That's right.




What's it gonna be?



The MTV Awards

are tomorrow night,



and everyone wants to know.



Dr. S-- will he apologize?



Should he?



To get some answers, we're here

outside the Eastside home



of heiress Marci Feld.



Here she comes right now!



Marci! Marci!



Marci! Marci!



-Hi, Marci.




Marci, what are you planning

to say to Congress next week?



Marci, what are you planning

to testify?



Okay, one at a time, though.

You, yes.



Marci, how's your dad?



Better and better.

Don't you just love him?



-What about Dr. S?




-Are you really involved?

-What about Yolanda?



What about Congress?



Okay, I will tell you this.



Everyone should really watch

the MTV Awards tomorrow night,



because you are going to see

a whole new Dr. S.



He's really not about

sex and violence, not anymore.



He's all about love.




we rented Kate and Leopold.



Global Premiere Video.



I'm a woman of color



Color me blue



Because I fell in love



With an asshole like you



I hate you, bitch Marci






Look at you! Who's my daddy?



Well, I really

shouldn't allow this,



but remember, it's

just for tonight,



and after the show,



I want him right back

here in his bed.






But the MTV Awards?






Iast week you told me that

you wished you had a son.



I was upset. I was... crazy.



-I never should have said that.

-It's okay.



You were right.



You need someone

that people respect.



Someone real.



Daddy, tonight,



I think you're going

to see that finally,



after all these

years, just maybe...



I can be that person.



Of course you can, baby.



Oh, and there's someone



I want you to meet--



someone who has made

all the difference.



Oh, Daddy,

he is so wonderful.






Bring your medication.



We're here live

at the MTV Awards,



and the question

on everyone's mind is,



Dr. S-- will he apologize?



Is he over,

or is he just getting started?



Senator Spinkle.



If Dr. S has not completely

changed his so-called music,



tonight will be the end of him



and Ben Feld.



-We will crush them.

-Really, Senator?



But I don't want people to think

I'm some right-wing ogre.



I enjoy contemporary sounds,



and so does my son Chip.



So, Chip,

who are your favorites?



Oh, he loves that Mariah Carey

and Cher and--



what is that group

that you like so much?



Boyz R Us.



Well, thank you, Chip.

Thank you, Senator.



Thank you very much.



This place is packed.



Yeah, isn't it great?



It's really full.






-Oh! You okay?

-Excuse me. What happened?



Oh, you look good.

I love this hat.



It's not too much?



No. Not too much.



-Now, ladies and gentlemen,




and MTV viewers worldwide,

it's the moment



we've all been waiting for.



Please welcome,

please give it up for



"Let's Make Some Nasty"

with Dr. S and the NNPP!



Yo, what's up?



Yo, live global interface,

what's up?



People everywhere,

what's going on?



Everybody's waiting.



Everybody's wondering,

what's he gonna say?



There's been a lot

of controversy



surrounding my music,



my mind, my action.



Folks been saying stuff like,

"ls he righteous? Is he real?"



So I decided to make

a statement.



This ain't about Congress.



Ain't about Ben Feld.



It's about a very special lady.



This lady got it going on.



I mean, she make a plan,

and she makes it happen.



She's something else.



This-this is a whole



other level of lady...



and she's really made

an impression on me.



Because this lady likes



to play doctor.



Baby, I'm thinking of you.



Want to show you

how much I love you.



I'm so into you,

a little kiss won't do,



so you gotta let me

love you, baby,



through and through.



So sweet.



I already touched your face...



Isn't he something?






This is the guy.



Oh, honey.


           're the one for me.



Let me tell you

where my love should be.



In the butt, in the butt,

let me love you in the butt



In the butt...



Take it, take it,

take it, take it



Take it, take it,

in the butt



Down she goes!



Who's the boss?



You the man! You the man!



...where the sun don't shine



Take it, take it,

take it, take it



Take it, take it,

in the butt






Okay, go.



Take it, take it,

take it, take it



Take it, take it,

in the butt



Take it, take it,

take it, take it



Take it, take it,

in the butt!



I love it.



For the past    hours,

Feldco has once again



been making headlines

all over the world.



The troubled corporation

is now near complete bankruptcy



and Ben Feld

remains hospitalized.



I'm speaking

with concerned parents.



Flush Ben Feld!

Flush Ben Feld!



"ln the Butt"-- your reaction?



That man is the devil!



Please join me in wearing

this brown ribbon of protest



when the hearings

begin tomorrow.



Let us send our message

to Dr. S



and the Feld family

filth machine!



Stop the music!



Wipe it clean!



Excuse me, ma'am?



No. Stop.



I'm no one.



I'm just visiting.



I'm not camera-ready.



I'm not camera...






Oh, bye-bye.












Marce, it's Kirsten.



It's time for some sunshine.



And some Prozac.



Look, honey. Look.



And I just had to come over...



just to tell you...



Everyone hates you.



I know.




The butler let me in.



Oh, it's awful.

It's shocking.



How can you bear it?



All those people.



What about the pickets

and the reporters?



Are they still out there?



All the networks.



Plus CNN.



And Stone Phillips.



Oh, he's cute.



He called you a whore.



So how's your father?



Well, the doctor said

it was just stress,



not another heart attack,

but you never know.



Oh, Marce,

first you lose your mom.



And now you kill your dad.



Is she all right?






No, I haven't bathed,

I haven't slept.



Have you eaten anything?



I can't. I'm too upset.



-Oh, good!

-Oh, good girl!



That's a good thing.



So, what about that Dr. S.?



How could he do this?



How could he sing that song?






did you ever let Dr. S...?






What about you and T-Bill?



In his dreams.



What about you and Freekazoid?



Not in this lifetime.



What about you

and Quantrelle?



It was his birthday.






The committee is now in session.



Please be seated.



Will you please

state your names?



Marci Michelle

Jennifer Rebecca Feld.









Dr. S.



And the "S" is for?






And is that your given

legal name?






And that would be?



Horndog Tittyman

Pussyhound Snatchcatcher.



I see.



And this is precisely

why this committee



must take aggressive action



against Feldco

and its hip-hop criminals,



especially as a result

of this week's



MTV Awards program.



Because on that night,



Dr. S told the entire world



that America

is the land of the foul



and the home of the butt.



Isn't that the case?



No. Senator Spinkle,



members of the committee

and everyone, no.



No, what happened that night...



This whole mess...






Please just don't,

don't blame my father, okay?



Just don't... and don't even,

don't even blame this person.



If you want to blame someone,



blame me.






Yes, I put myself in charge

of this whole situation, and...



I just, of course,

made things so much worse,



because I thought

that I could just



save my father

and Felony Assault



and the whole world.



I don't know.



I just thought that I was

so right and so real



and, and just this morning,



I put on five pounds



from the vending machines

in the lobby.






Uh... Uh... Senator Spinky...









This whole deal-- with you



and with these hearings

and with my song



has been one big,

complete misunderstanding.






A misunderstanding?



Oh, really?



I'm sorry, but I believe

that your message



has been,

in fact, far too clear.






Just like the history



of the proud black people,



once again,

we've been misunderstood.



We've been accused



and oppressed.



Ain't that right?



What are you talking about?



So l...



Miss Feld and l...



are gonna educate y'all.



We are?



Oh, please do.



As African-Americans, we

got us a proud oral tradition.



That's right, mama.






We've even got our own language.



Ain't that right?



I said, ain't that right?



Yes. Yo!



See, and this is a language



that white folks

just ain't, like, down with.



They don't get it. Ya dig?



No, they don't. They don't.



Uh, as in, for example,

maybe, when "bad" means "good."



Or "illin'."



It means "happening."



Who knew?



And like "phat."



That's a black word,



but in white English,

it would probably mean...



"Just swell."



You phat.



Thank you, motherfucker.



Which means



"my dear friend."



-Right on.




See, we can connect.



Can I get an "amen"?



Brothers and sisters?









So, like the joint

I was dropping



at the awards show,



I say, "Let me love you

in the butt."



That's all.



You see what I'm saying?



No! We do not know

what you're saying.



Just hear him out.

Don't be crack.










in the hood, "in the butt"--



that don't mean

like no sex thing.






No, no. Please.



No, no, no, no.



No, no, no, no, no.



Hell, no.



No, it means, it means,



I would imagine

something entirely



and completely different...


            the... in the...

in the rich, vivid



dialect of

a disenfranchised people,



a people we once enslaved.



You know,

my mama was a slave?



At Wendy's.



So, Dr. S, we're all

eager to hear, then,



in that...



poetic, triumphant

language, just what does



the phrase mean?



It means, "Let me

love you with respect."



"Let me love you

in a very special way."



"Let me love you






It's really so beautiful.



Know what I'm saying?



You dig?



No, I don't dig.



Two days ago,

controversial rap star Dr. S



told a Congressional committee



that in his song, "ln the Butt,"

the title phrase actually means,



"with love and respect."



Is this just a desperate ploy

to save his career



and the future

of Feldco lndustries?



Or has the slang remark

actually begun to take hold?



Is Dr. S becoming

the new American hero?



All across America, the cultural

crossfire has begun.



We are gonna hang him high!



A national survey shows



strong youth support for Dr. S.



Please. These polls are pure

media distortion.



I am here to protect

and defend the American people,



not to listen to them.



Dr. S, you are doomed.



You heard her:

We're doomed. Finished.



Senator Spinkle



is so powerful, so determined.



But "ln the Butt" is

going triple platinum.



I bought five copies as gifts.



Plus, we're making

all this money.



It's the biggest selling single

in the history of the label.



Celine Dion wants

to do a remix-- as a duet.



But this, this isn't

about money anymore.



Right? Isn't it, isn't it

about freedom of speech?






-Yes. -Yes.

-You're right.



Oh, for sure.



You're going to have

to take the single



and the CD off the shelves.



That's what Senator

Spinkle is demanding.



You now what she needs.









But that isn't going

to change her mind.



What else can we do?



You know,

the ladies are right.



We are?



What are you thinking?



No. We can't.



It'll be wrong,

it would be low.



It would be the title

of my next CD.



Which is?



Play dirty.



I've got it!



For your mama.



Who was that?



It's after midnight.




Mom, are you still working?



Sweetheart, the hearings

end tomorrow.



I have to prepare my decision.



It's from Dr. S.



The note says

he made it just for you.



Oh, please. Put that down.



And wash your hands.



But, Mom, everyone loves Dr. S.



That's not true.



There are millions more

just like me.



It's called Utah.



Will you at least

listen to it... for me?






Now, go to bed.



And no Boyz R Us.



Senator Spinkle,



I know that we've had

our differences,



but I've been thinking



about me... and you



and I know you're up



for re-election.



so maybe there's

something I can do...



Oh, well, I promised Chip.



Vote for Spinkle,

vote for Spinkle



Yeah, you heard that right



Vote for Spinkle,

vote for Spinkle



I seen the light



Vote for Spinkle,

vote for Spinkle




-That's what I'd do



Oh, my God.



Vote for Spinkle, yeah...



I am a United States senator.



Mary Ellen



That's what I'm sellin'



That's what I'm yellin'



Soon you'll be jellin'



Come on, Senator Spinky



You're on the brinky



Don't need no shrinky



You make me kinky



Uh-uh-uh, don't you touch it



Vote for Spinkle,

vote for Spinkle



'Cause she's the one



Vote for Spinkle,

vote for Spinkle



And keep your gun



Vote for Spinkle,

vote for Spinkle




-'Cause she's pro-life



Vote for Spinkle,

vote for Spinkle



But don't tell your wife






Thank you



Th-Th-Th-Thank you



Twinkle, twinkle,

little Spinkle



You're in the pink



So just unwrinkle



Come on, you're the one



Yeah, you make me hum



So watch out, White House



'Cause here she comes!



Vote for Spinkle



Vote for Spinkle,

that's one fine bitch



-Vote for Spinkle

-lf you vote for Spinkle, huh



She'll help the rich



Vote for Spinkle,

vote for the Spinkle



My sister




My brother



Just vote for Spinkle



'Cause she's a mutha!



So, you have requested

a private meeting...



before I announce my findings.



And I assume that

you are hoping for,



that you've come begging

for some sort of plea bargain.



-She's psychic.

-Oh, she knows.



Well, I'm sorry,



but it is far too late for

apologies or special favors.



Dr. S, it is time

to take your medicine.



I know.



My music can infect anyone.



Can you imagine the damage one

of my beats could perpetrate



if it got into the wrong booty?



Oh, what would happen

to the country...



our families, these hearings?



If even a senator



wasn't safe...



Who are you talking about,

Mrs. Clinton?



I mean what if

the American people,



on every network, in prime time,



was exposed to a Spinkle



shaking her thing



to a Dr. S song?



But that's impossible.



That's entertainment.



Where did you get that?






You were taping me?



You're just like your father.



It's for your own good.



I love you, Mom.



In the butt.



After deep and sincere




the committee and I have

come to a decision



regarding Mr. Feld,

Dr. S and his music,



and we have determined

that not only



is this CD not harmful

in any way, it is, in fact...



the most important



cultural document since the

Declaration of lndependence.



And it is every American's duty



to purchase

as many copies as possible.



And do not download

or borrow or burn.






Miss Feld.



Thank you.



I would just like to say



how proud and grateful I am--



we all are-- as citizens.



And I know that my father

and Dr. S



join me in saluting

this decision



in the name of justice,



freedom and the American



way of life.



In fact...



...these two men,



these selfless,

unbelievably generous,



all-American citizens

have also decided



to donate     %



of their profits

from this recording



to the United Negro

College Fund.



How about that!



Isn't that something?

Good for you!






Good for you!



And on this occasion,

President Bush himself has asked



that Dr. S address the nation.






Who?! The president?!



I want to talk about being real.



Because whatever you do

and whoever you are,



you've got to be real.



The problem is who decides

who's real and not.






And I say there's

only one way to find out.






And remember you are both

still under oath.



All right, she's real.



There was a time I had no drive



I breathed,

but barely was alive



But fate changed

what my life's about



Whoever thought

that I would shout



I've got a job,

it's like a dream!



High fashion

gives me self-esteem



So shop hip-hop, it all connects



I call my label Marci X



I'm real, I'm down,

I'm total sex



I made parole in Marci X



Once they called her

Stinky Spinkle



But in this look,

she starts to twinkle



I'm real, I'm down,

so clear the decks



I'm downright on in Marci X



Hey, Marce, hey, Marce



We're glad, we're glad



'Cause we love

your collection



It's bad



I never judge,

I don't condemn



He's oh-so-butch!



He's kind of femme



We just had sex with Eminem



Yo Marce, yo Marce!



My father

now is feeling great



I dressed him

for a special date



I'm down, I'm real,

but hold the phone



You've got the Doc,

but I'm alone



I've made a match,

I think they meld



Meet my new stepmom,

Yolanda Feld



I'm a woman of color,

I make him twitch



Te amo, Ben,

so color me rich



I fly by my couture du jour



It's de rigueur

for him and her



It fades, it balls,

it's total sex



You'll catch your match



In Marci X



Who's real, who's bad,

who's hittin' da butt?



Who says, "Now stop it"



Then shut up!



Who's real, who's bad,

who is da bomb?



Email us at



I must confess, she was a mess



Not more, just less,

since she met the S



The doctor shocked her,

the doctor mocked her



The doctor rocked her,

then he wed-locked her



Who's real, who's down,

check out the dress



Don't hide the bride,

it's Marci X



Who's real, who's down,

who's total sex?



Just say the name:

It's Marci X



Who's down, who's dope,

who's total sex?



Just say the name,

it's Marci X.



Come, come, come,

come on!



Who's real, who's down,

who's total sex?



Just say the name:

It's Marci X



Don't mess with my music.



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