Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Martin Lawrence Live Concert Movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat Script



Listen, you're in a privileged position

to learn a thing or two.



Keep your mouth shut

and your eyes open.






I been through so much,

you know, in my life, so...



I kind of wanted to get back out

and tell my own story.



Maryland, DC, is my hometown,

so I grew up here.



I'm a little man, so you kind of get

the 'little man"complex sometimes.



You feel like you gotta

fight for everything.



You even gotta fight for when the

french fries have been taken from you.



First of all. We would like

to thank God...



who just helping us to see another day

to get up to bring you comedy.



Can you hear

what the fuck I'm saying?



I'm not saying that all people

in the media are bad.



Some of them do theirjob.

Some of them do the research...



and they report the truth.



Actor and comedian

Martin Lawrence...



was apprehended by Los Angeles

police offiicers yesterday...



after he was discovered in the middle

of one of LA 's most congested streets...



hurling obscenities at passing cars.



The popular television personality

was admitted to a nearby hospital...



by LAPD offiicers

after they subdued him by force.



No one is immune to the trials

and tribulations of life.



No one. We all have ups,

and we all have downs.



I mean, that's just life.



Martin Lawrence's current scrape

with the law...



could be evidence

of Martin's mania.



Something's obviously

gone wrong in this man's head.



I mean, hejust settled

a case out of court...



because he attacked somebody

with a bottle who was making a toast.



Why? Well, apparently,

he didn't like the phrasing.



Martin's acting like a madman,

and people don't think it's funny.



But other people in the media,

some reporters...



and some tabloids,

they ain't interested in the truth.



All right? They like

to sensationalize bullshit.



You do the math.



From bad boy on the big screen...



to a menace in real life...



how far will Martin's fans go

to stand behind their tarnished hero?



It's easy to fade into obscurity

in Hollywood. Martin better watch out.



If Martin doesn't clean up his act,

he's not gonna be acting anywhere.



- I'm not perfect. I'm only human.

- Important words to live by.



Fuck 'em.

Fuck 'em. Girl. Fuck 'em.



We're all one 'cause we're

all human, you know.



We experience a lot of the same things.

Just as we wake, we sleep.



Just as we live, we die.



That's just life, human nature.



He had a body temperature




at slightly over

    degrees Fahrenheit.



He was, at that time,

in a coma and unresponsive.



Fuck dying.

Fuck dying.



Mama said. "The world is yours.

Don't sleep."



Fuck dying.



After spending

three days in a coma...



Martin Lawrence's condition

is improving.



His eyes will focus on a person.



He can't talk just yet because

we do have a tube down his throat.



But he is alert,

and he is improving.



One of the achievements

I'm most proud of is...



to be where I'm at

in this business today...



after everything

that I've been through.



You know, I can honestly say

I'm blessed.



There's all kind of folks

that was just negative...



when it came to Marty.



- I remember that shit.

- Right.



Well. We still here.

and they can run tell that.



Runteldat. Nigger.



We've been mashing city to city

for six months...



putting this tour together.



I think doing stand-up comedy...



is one of the hardest things

that somebody could do, you know?



You know, when you get on stage

and you got the microphone...



and thousands of people,

you know...



waiting for you to make 'em laugh,

you got to bring it.



That's why I love it.

You know, it's a challenge.



It's who I am.



Yeah, it's game time.



Ladies and gentlemen,

Martin Lawrence!



Come on!



DC. I love you.



DC. I love you.



I'm home.

I'm home.



I love you so much.

Thank you.



That was...

Hey. What can I say?



You make it all worth it.



What can I say. You know?

This is what it's about.



Thank you.



Oh. Man. And y'all look good.

Everybody's dressed tonight.



Came out. "Fuck it. We going

to see that nigger. Fuck it.



Show him some love."

Well. I had to come out tonight.



I don't know if you just saw the film...

the tape and everything.



I said. "Fuck it. I got to come out

and tell my own story."



I ain't waitin' for the

E! True Hollywood Story to tell my shit.



You know what I mean?



Fuck that.

I got to tell my own shit.



I see you. Baby.

Hey. How you doin'?



Yeah. Hello. The ladies just screamin'

like a motherfucker.



Yeah. Thank you.

I know.



But if you want to scream.

please send your panties up here. Okay?



Just put your number

on your panties...



and I'll get back

according to the smell.



Before I left the hotel. I was watching

something on TV... this lady.



I'm gonna say. If you smoke.

please be careful...



'cause I saw this lady on TV

had a hole in her neck.



It was real bad.

Anybody see that shit?



She was smoking the cigarette

with her neck. And she's. Like...



And blowing the O's and shit

with her neck.



Did anybody see that?

Please be careful if you smoke.



'Cause that lady had a hole in her neck.

You could see food falling.



When she eat. You could see string beans

and pudding and all that shit.



You know?

I bet her breath don't stink.



Her neck probably fuckin' stink.

huh. Man?



You just put a fuckin' Altoid

in her neck and shit.



If she choke on something. You ain't

gotta worry about the Heimlich.



You just go right in the neck.

Got that.



Yeah. A piece of gristle. Baby.

That's all that was. A piece of gristle.



You got to love a woman

with a hole in her neck. Fellas. You do.



Take her out to eat and shit.

Got a hole in her fuckin' neck.



But you get mad. "Look. Goddamn it.

Look at your neck.



What have you got to fuckin' come to

the restaurant with your neck all out?



Got the fuckin' maître d'

looking at ya. Shit. Goddamn.



Oh. You couldn't put on

a turtleneck or nothin' tonight?



Couldn't put no mock neck on?

None of that shit?"



They say this lady got a man.

I know they be doing some freaky shit.



I know he come home.




I want to do something

a little different tonight.



Let me put my dick

in your neck.



Oh. That's some good neck there.

That's some good neck there.



Fuck head. I said neck.

I like neck."



Her ass straight to here

and shit.



And I'd like to say...



if there's any critics

here tonight...



fuck you and kiss my ass.



I don't give a shit about you.



They're like the scum of the earth

to me. Fuck them.



I can't stand a critic.



My mother don't like me to say

that I hate. But I can't stand 'em.



What the fuck is a critic anyway? That's

somebody that can't do what you can do...



so they want to criticize your shit.



You know what I mean?

Think they authority on some shit.



You want to criticize somethin'.

criticize these nuts.



Fuck you.



I don't see you

talkin' about my balls on the news.



"One of Martin's balls

is bigger than the other.



I give that a two star."

Get the fuck out of here. Man.



But you know what? When I think about

everything that's going on...



Critics are so unimportant to what's

going on with the USA attacks...



everything that happened here. The

Pentagon and New York. All that stuff.



My heart goes out to families that have

went through all this and lost people.



I feel for 'em.



And it's a sad thing.

It really is a sad thing because...



I'm glad to be an American.

This is the best country in the world.



I can say that. You know.



I wouldn't want to be nowhere else.

but when I seen this shit happen...



I think any of us could've been on them

planes and anything that happened...



been in one of them buildings

that they crashed into.



Any-fuckin'-body in here.

Know what I mean?



If it affects one person.

it affects us all.



And now my nerves are bad.

y'all. After this shit.



I got to drink

Milk of Magnesia and shit.



Every time before I board a plane.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.



But out of all this. This is one

of the first times in a long time...



since I don't know when...

This is one of the first times...



I seen black and white people together

on something. Standing for a cause.



It wasn't about race.

It's just about life.



You know what I mean?

Nothin' else but life.



Together on somethin'.



We will get together

and fuck you up today...



on this USA attacks.

you know what I mean?



I ain't seen black and white people

together since...



Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney

did "Ebony and Ivory."



So now. If I go to board a plane.

if you like me...



you get nervous as a motherfucker.

you see somebody boardin'.



You sit there talking

to your white friend.



"What's up. White boy.

I don't know you...



but we getting on this plane together

and shit. Might as well be together.



Who's that motherfucker getting

on the plane right there?



You don't know that motherfucker?

Oh. Shit.






You about to get on

this motherfuckin' plane. Man?



Don't start no motherfuckin' shit

when we get on this plane. All right?



I'll punch you

in your motherfuckin' mouth. Nigger.



Nigger. Don't go for your hands.

Don't move your hands. Hold on.



What you got in your shoes. Nigger?

What the fuck you got in your shoes?



I'm-a tell you. Don't start no shit

when we get on this plane. Nigger.



I will knock your motherfuckin'

ass the fuck out. I ain't playin'.



We ain't done shit.

Don't start nothin'.



'Cause the white boy can wrestle.

and I can box. Motherfucker.



He'll tackle your ass.

and I'll punch the fuck out you.



Don't start no shit."



But your nerves is bad

with these USA attacks and shit.



You don't know what's going on.

They lookin' for bin Laden.



They ain't found his ass yet.



How you not find... You blew up all that

shit. And you ain't found bin Laden yet?



That motherfucker

at a club right now.



What the fuck is that shit about?



Ain't found no bin Laden.

You know why?



'Cause a lot of motherfuckers

look like bin Laden.



There's a nigger in McDonald's right now

look just like bin Laden.



Got a high-top fade

and every-fuckin'-thing.



You walk in that motherfucker

to get a cheeseburger...



"Bin Laden! That's bin Laden!



Call the government.

That's motherfuckin' bin Laden.



I know a motherfuckin' bin Laden

when I see...



Call the Taliban. Nigger.

That's him."



'Cause they looked. Man.

You can't even find his ass.



I almost fucked an Indian up

on the way in here.



He said. "No. I Indian. I Indian."

I said. "Pull your turban up. Nigger.



Let me see a dot or somethin'.




I'll fuck your ass up.

Don't start no shit.



I'll crack that fuckin' dot.

Don't start it."



It's just all crazy. What's this shit

about you can't open up mail?



What the fuck is that shit?

You can't open up fuckin' mail?



You open up mail.

you all fucked up.



What the fuck is that shit?



Can't open mail.



That's probably a good thing

for the bill collectors though.



You know. They call your house.

"Hi. Mr. Lawrence. Yeah.



I sent out a bill

about three weeks ago...



and I haven't received

payment on that.



I was wondering if...

Was there a problem?



Well. Is there a reason

that that's not paid?"



"Ain't you been

watching the news. Nigga?



I can't open it. Motherfucker.



They got powder

and shit in there...



that makes you lose your eyebrows

in  .  seconds. Motherfucker.



You're welcome to bring your ass

over here and open it yourself...



Mr. Bill Man."



It's fucking crazy. Man. Anthrax.

This shit just don't make no sense.



Now. I'll tell you.

life is so short. Y'all.



You know. Please.

just realize that.



You're not promised tomorrow.

you know.



You really ain't.

You're not.



Every day you get a chance to wake up.

you gotta really be grateful.



Most importantly. Be grateful...



and ride this motherfucker

till the wheels fall off.



Live your life.



Ride this motherfucker

till the wheels fall off.



When it's time to go. You're gone.

Fuck it. You don't owe nobody. Fuck it.



If you do owe 'em. You're gone.

They can't get it.



So now with all that... You know.

that gets you down every now and then.



'Cause you see it every time

you turn on the news and all that.



It's something that's gonna

be with us a long time.



You know. That's just...

for the rest of our lives.



I'm trying to do things

that make me feel good.



Like. I'm watching Cops.



Black people. Come on. Y'all know

we on Cops every fuckin' week.



Every motherfuckin' week. Cops.

Black people. Starring black people.



We runnin' through the motherfucker

with helicopters chasing us and shit.



Go to commercial. Come back.

We still runnin' and shit.



Runnin' like a motherfucker.



You know. Just runnin'

in the fuckin' street. Man.



But one thing I noticed

on Cops... Is it me?



But white people get away

with a lot of shit with the cops.



They talk to the cop.

They talk back like a motherfucker.



They cuss their ass out. "What the fuck

did you pull me over for?



I don't give a shit. I want to know

what did you pull me over for.



I didn't fuckin' do nothin'. Asshole.

You fuckin' asshole. You're an asshole.



You're an asshole.

and you're a dick. Yes.



Fuck that. Man.

You don't pull me over for nothin'.



Yeah. I know I was speeding.

ya fuck. I'm in a rush.



What the fuck is wrong with you?

You're an asshole.



And fuck you.

You're an asshole.



And you're a dick. You know what.

why don't you put your dick in your ass?



Fuck you. Fuck you.

My dad's gonna have your ass.



There goes your $  million

donation. You fuck.



See your ass in court. Buddy."



They cuss the cops out

like a motherfucker.



Black people. We don't

do that shit no more.



Ever since that Rodney King

ass-whupping. We shut the fuck up.



'Cause you never know if that shit's

gonna be us on TV tomorrow on tape.



They pull us over. We...

"What's the problem. Officer?



Yes. Was I what?

I was speedin'? Damn.



Where's the light? I didn't even

see me go through the light. Damn it.



Look here. Would you

give me a ticket?



Yeah. Yeah.

'Cause I got to learn.



I got to fuckin' learn. You know.



Let me give you my full name.

my middle name.



Let me spell that for you and stuff."



We only that nice 'cause we know

we got some shit under the seat.



Who knows what that is?




Latinos. They act like

they ain't from this country.



They don't speak their English

when they get pulled over...



till they see that ticket price.



They get pulled over.

"No. No. What I do? I don't know.



I don't know what I do.



Speedy Gonzalez?

Was I caught speeding?



Don't know."



They see that ticket.

"Motherfucker. This is bullshit!"



But I talk about watching

positive programs. You know.



I joke about the cop shit. 'cause

ain't nothin' positive about that...



gettin' arrested.

I'll tell you that.



But a program that is positive.

if you ever get a chance to see it...



it's called Eye on the Prize.



This program will make you cry.

you know. I'm serious.



If you ever seen it. You've seen that.

It's a beautiful thing.



I'll tell you.

I love America.



This is the best country in the world.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.



But I'm a black man.

and I ain't forgot...



what the fuck we. As black people.

have been through in America.



You know what I mean?



We ain't gonna just

act like shit is all right...



but we gonna work towards change.

to make it better.



That's what people... in this

Eye on the Prize... have done for us.



They put their lives out there

so that we can be in the forefront...



so that we can better ourselves.



Isn't that beautiful. When you

look at Eye on the Prize...



when you think of segregation

and civil rights and all those things?



When I was watching Eye on the Prize,

you had Martin Luther King...



you know.

great man in history...



Malcolm X... great man in history...

standing up for us...



so that we could sit together.

blacks and whites.



Work together. Freedom!

Grow together. That's beautiful.



Martin said...



"Nonviolent. Nonviolent.



We shall overcome.

I've been to the mountaintop.



Nonviolent. Nonviolent."



Malcolm said. "Yeah.

but by any means necessary."



Martin said.

"Nonviolent. Nonviolent."



"By any means necessary."



Martin and Malcolm

were saying the same thing.



They just had different opinions

and different approaches to it.



I thought that was beautiful.

I said. "That's all right."



But then one day I was watchin'.

and Martin Luther King...



And I'm named after Martin.

I was proud. Martin!



I watched him

go through Birmingham. Alabama.



And this racist white boy

picked up a rock...



you know. Like a half a boulder

or some shit.



He pitched that motherfucker like he

was pitchin' for the Orioles...



and hit Martin in his head.



And all Martin did was say.

"Nonviolent. Nonviolent.



Don't nobody do nothin'.

Nonviolent. Nonviolent.



My head's bleeding right now.



Don't nobody do nothin'.

We shall overcome.



I've been to the mountaintop. I'm

having a dream right now. Nonviolent.



Nonviolent. Nonviolent."



I was proud. I said. "Damn.



That takes a strong man

to get hit in the head...



with a half a boulder

and still say 'nonviolent. ' Damn!"



But if you're like me...



then one time you would have

loved to hear Martin say...



"Another one of you motherfuckers

hit me with a rock...



I'll beat your bitch ass.

you motherfucker.



Fuck that. Coretta.

These niggers think I'm soft.



Let me show you how Martin

get down. Motherfucker.



This is how Martin get down."



I know he got on his boys.

I know he was here and said. "Jesse.



Damn it. Jesse. You seen

who threw that fuckin' rock. Jesse.



Get off your ass

and go handle that.



Stop chasing them ho's. Jesse."



Can I get a little water?



I gotta ask y'all.



There's predominantly

black people in here.



They don't want you to pause

in no show.



"Come on. Hurry up."



Somebody put something in his mouth.

My zipper's stuck. Y'all.



I warned you.

Watch your mouth now.



Don't forget who the original

DefJam host was. Motherfucker.



I know I'm gettin' old.

Thirty-six. Man.



You know. Gettin' older. Yeah.



You don't do the same things

you do when you get older.



I want to grow old gracefully.

Gettin' old ain't no joke.



It's. Like. You know. When you

see older people... old people...



you gotta really show 'em

some respect and love...



'cause there's

a lot of wisdom there.



They're livin' their life.

They got seniority here in this life.



You gotta show 'em

some love. Man.



I know when I get old...

That's why I said until that point...



I'm gonna ride this motherfucker

till the wheels fall off.



Live your life. I'm sure that's what

an old person will tell you.



You think about it. You look around.

This is just a body of life right here.



You got some young.

You got some old and everything.



Just look around. That's what it is.

It goes in a cycle.



You go young. Old. Old. Young.

Young. Old. And that's it.



That's about fuckin' it.

Think about it.



The shit just recycles itself.

Like. The same things happen.



When you're a baby.

you got one tooth.



When you get old...



you got one motherfuckin' tooth

just hanging on. Just...



And that motherfucker

fragiler than a motherfucker.



You gotta cut the apple

to eat the shit. You know.



When you're a baby...



you know what I mean.

you wear diapers.



When you get old. You got

motherfuckin' adult Pampers on.



When you're a baby.

you're in that little walker...



trying to strengthen your legs.

tryin' to walk.



When you get old. You're in

that metal motherfuckin' walker.



You got one patch of hair

when you're a baby.



You got a patch of fuckin' hair

when you're old.



You try to cornrow

that motherfucker.



Tryin' to hang on to

what little hip-hop you got left.



It's just a cycle that goes like that.

That's all it is. A cycle.



When I get old... I don't give a fuck...

don't do me no favors.



Leave me at home.

Let me watch the birds. Like I said.



Don't be taking me

to no motherfucking game.



"Martin would want to go

to the basketball game."



They'd take me to the game

and then announce me.



"Ladies and gentlemen. We got

Martin Lawrence in the house."



I'm older than a motherfucker.



All they do is sit you up front

and exploit the fuck out you.



Got the camera

all in your face and shit.



You sittin' there. Can't even

follow the basketball game and shit.



You down here. They playin'

down this motherfucker.



Catch you falling asleep and shit.



Don't put me at no motherfuckin'

game and sit me up front...



puttin' an old-ass

Washington Wizard hat on me.



With Jordan's signature

on the motherfucker.



Talk about...

"How's he like the game?"



"He says it's wonderful."

I ain't said shit.



I said. "Get my ass home.

I don't want to do shit. I'm chillin'."



I'll tell you. The beauty of getting old

is that you do things differently.



Know what I mean? Even your dancin'

changes when you get older.



Young people. They go

do all the wild stuff.



Old people don't do that. They keep it

in one place. "All right. Now.



That's what

I'm talking about right there.



Yeah. Ain't gonna do

too much more than this here tonight.



That's right. Ain't gonna have me

winded out this motherfucker all night.



I got about

two more dips in me now.



One dip. All right.



That's it. That's it.

One more dip. I'm done.



Shit. I'm tired. I ain't gonna be

doin' that shit all night.



You tryin' to kill

a motherfucker."



There's a dance out right now.

A lot of people like this dance.



It's like the... What is it?



It's like the Electric Slide...



but it's not quite

the Electric Slide.



The cha-cha?



Yeah. I can't stand

that fuckin' dance.



That's a easy fuckin' dance. Y'all.

You know that dance is easy as shit.



Come on. "Two to the right.

One to the left.



Stop. Think about it."



Get the fuck out of here

with that shit.



"Take your leg like this here.



Do your arm like this.



Stop. Think about it."



That bullshit.



I know the fuckin' ghetto Hokey Pokey

when I hear that shit.



You know what I mean?

"Do your hip like this one time.



Now keep doing

your hip like this."



Get the fuck outta here.



I respect a brother's hustle.

but that's bullshit. Man.



That shit easy.



You know. The thing about gettin' old.

I'll tell you. Gettin' older is like...



If you have good kids

and you raise good kids...



your children will take care of you

when you're older.



Yeah. That's true.



That's a beautiful thing.

That's what you want.



You want to raise good kids.

I have two beautiful daughters.



And I'm proud of them.

I love them. Thank you.



But you get... Kids will take...

Good kids will take care of you.



But you know them badass kids like

the motherfuckin' Menendez brothers...



you gotta whup their ass. Man.

them little badass kids.



If you don't get them bad kids when

they're young. They will fuck you up.



That's how them brothers did that shit

to their mother and father.



They ought to have

their ass kicked.



I don't like them

badass kids. I tell you.



You gotta get 'em early.

'cause if you don't...



them motherfuckers will

put you in time-out.



They will say. "Get your ass

in time-out. Dad.



Get your fucking time-out. Dad!"



"Goddamn. What did

I do there. Dave?



I don't know what the fuck I did wrong.

What did I do?"



"Just shut the fuck up

and get a time-out!"



You know what I mean?

Telling you shit like...



"Don't touch my Twinkies

in the fridge. Motherfucker.



I'll be home about  :  ."



'Cause they get all tall and lanky.

and they bigger than you and shit.



Then they think they run you.



They try to run the phone

that you pay the bill on.



"Hang the motherfuckin'

phone up. Dad!



Hang the motherfuckin'

phone up. Dad!



I'm on the phone talkin'

to my homies. Nigger!"



Shit! You gotta get

their little ass. Man.



You gotta let them know.

You gotta put fear in their heart.



"I'm the parent. You ever raise up

on me... I don't play that shit."



They gotta fear you

for the rest of their life...



if they don't fear

no-fucking-body else.



That is yours.



You gotta make 'em know.

You gotta make 'em understand.



Don't play with Daddy.

Don't play with Mama.



But you know what started

some of that shit is that time-out.



White people. Y'all started that.

I ain't pickin' on you.



But that time-out shit?

Uh-uh! Ain't gonna work.



You know. I seen this

white kid tell his mother...



"Fuck you. Mommy. You ho. You bitch.

You ho. You bitch."



All she said was.

"Bobby. Go to time-out.



Go to time-out. Bobby.



You have some emotional issues

that you need to deal with.



Go to time-out."



And all the way to time-out.

he sang this shit.



You ho, you bitch

You bitch, you ho



Putting mixes on it.



Bitch, bitch ho



All my bitches

Say ho



Shit! You don't tell

no black parent that shit.



Fuck you, you ho

You bi...



Take time-out.

Pick up your teeth.



Take time-out.

Pick up your wisdoms.



Take time and get my foot

up out your ass.



Fuck the time-out.

That shit don't work.



I know what happens is you're scared

to discipline your child...



'cause now there's a law

that says you can get arrested...



if you whup your child's ass.



Hey. Whup your child's ass...



if they act up.



If they're showing off...



If they're showing off.

that's when you whup their ass.



Hey. Iook. I got a lot of ass-whuppings.

and look at me now.



But you gotta... If they're showing off.

you gotta tear their ass up.



You can't even be

trippin' on that.



You gotta do

what you gotta do.



I understand

what the law's saying.



You can't be in the street fighting them

like you're in a real fight.



Talkin' about.

"Come on. Fuck that.



You're gonna eat

your Rice Krispies.



You're gonna eat

your Rice Krispies."



I understand that shit.

But you know what you gotta do?



You gotta learn how to hit 'em quick

and then walk 'em to the car.



You gotta...



Then walk 'em to the car.



"Hi. Officer. Yeah.



Oh. No. Just out taking

a stroll. That's all.



Yeah. Okeydokey.



Get your ass in there!"



You're driving and shit.

hit him with the seat buckle.



"Shut up!

Never fuckin' embarrass me in public.



You like to got my ass arrested.

I'll fuck you up!"



Shit. That's why

you gotta get 'em.



You gotta scare them.



They could be babies.



Little infants. Little newborns.



You gotta let 'em know.

Instill that fear that you the parent.



You gotta instill

that shit in them!



You go to their motherfucking crib

and wake their ass up.



"What's up. You little motherfucker?

What's up?



Wake your little ass up.

little nigger.



Let me tell you something.

This Daddy here. Motherfucker.



You ever raise up on me. I will knock

your motherfucking ass the fuck out!



Don't play with me!

This Daddy. Nigger!"



You gotta catch 'em when

they're coming out the pussy.



"What up.

you little motherfucker?



This Daddy. Nigger!

This Da...



Get your little ass here!

Get off...



Get off the umbilical cord!

Get the fuck off!



Let me tell you something. I will

knock your motherfucking ass out!



Don't play with me!



Don't come here.

start no shit!



Don't come here.

start no shit!"



Best believe. That's the gift

that keeps on giving.



When they   .   .

go to them clubs and shit...



partying with their friends.

forgetting everything.



They don't know nothing.

Send a prerecorded tape to the DJ.



"Get your little motherfucking

ass home! Nigger. Get home now!"



"Oh. Shit! I gotta go!



Oh. God! My dad's in here!



Who mixed him with Tupac?

Who mixed him with Tupac?



Oh. Shit!"



Get 'em!



Like I said. That's the gift

that just keeps on giving.



But that's what it's about. Man.



And those are the bad kids.



But you got good kids.



It starts even in the...

in the delivery room...



like when. You know.

the ladies are giving birth.



And I commend you. Ladies. That's

a wonderful thing. Woman. That you do.



I commend you.



To be able to do that is...

It's beautiful.



'Cause I know. Men.

we couldn't do it.



If we had to have babies.

there'd be one motherfucker in here.



But ladies go through that.

and the strength of a woman. Man. Wow!



It's a wonderful thing.

It's beautiful when you see that.



You're getting ready to have the baby.

and the baby's in there.



You gotta be strong. Secure and know

everything's gonna be all right.



'Cause if it's not.

it'll fuck you up.



You stand there

with the nurse and shit looking.



She in the hospital

about to deliver that thing.



You're with the nurse.

"Is she gonna be all right?



'Cause she seems like

she in a lot of pain."



The nurse calming you down.

You got the doctor over there.



Then all of a sudden. The baby

start coming out. And you go...



"Oh. Shit!

Oh. God! Oh!



Look at the head on that

little motherfucker! Oh. Man!



Look at the fuckin'

circumference on his head!



Oh. Shit!



He's tearing up the pussy!



That was my fit!

That was my fit!



Oh. Fuck!

Now look at that shit!



All these years

I look for that woman...



I found her. And now

the fit is all fucked up!



I don't know!

Talk to the doctor.



Nothing. Baby. You're doing good.

You're doing real good.



We're just talking about how.

just how well you're doing.



Damn it. Iook how big

that fucking hole is.



Well. You tell me. Nurse.

what am I supposed... Look at that hole!



I can't follow that.



What the fuck am I supposed to do.

fuck her with my knee?



Huh? Do some shit

like this here?



What is that shit?



Oh. Shit.



What the fuck is that big-ass. Twisty.

tied-up baby hanging on?



Oh. God. It looks like a...



Oh. That's the umbilical...




Oh. God. Oh. Shit!



I'm nauseous.



Oh. God.

Oh. My God.



What is that fuckin' chitlin bag

hanging out the pussy?



That's a big-ass chitlin bag.



Looks like

a fuckin' gizzard bag.



Hold up. Now I'm confused.



Is she a woman.

or is she a fucking turkey?



What the hell is that?"



And then...



And the baby's born.



And then you ain't

as nauseous no more...



'cause you just saw the strength

of a woman. And it turned you on.



You walk up to her.

and the doctor clears out and stuff.



Takes off all his surgical stuff.

You pass him. Damn near passing out.



Talking about.

"I don't know how you do it."



And you come up to her

and say. "Damn. Girl.



You did it. Baby.

Yeah. You did it. You know.



You somethin'.

Yeah. I'll get you some ice chips.



Hold on. Here's some ice chips.

Okay. Yeah. You did it.



I appreciate you. Girl. Yeah."



And you're lookin' at her and stuff.

and you look at the baby.



And you're lookin' at her and stuff.

and you look at the baby.



You say. "Yeah. That's us.

We did that.



It's hard to believe that the night

I had your legs on the chandelier...



that's what we got.



Yeah. Wow. Wow. Baby.



I'm gonna let you get some rest.

all right? I love you.



I'm gonna let you get some rest.

I'll be back.



Okay. All right."



So you start walking out.

and it hits you.



The strength of woman.

that's a sexy fuckin' thing.



You look back at her.



She's so sexy to you now. You're

ready to make another one again.



Your dick start gettin' hard.

and you're looking at her.



You say. "That shit turned me on

like a motherfucker."



But you can't get no pussy

for six weeks.



So now you walking around.

walking around.



You're in the house by yourself. You gotta

go back to the hospital to check on her...



or you stay in the hospital

in another room.



Keep holding your meat in your hand.

You don't wanna beat your meat.



Then you go back down there. And you

check on her a little bit and stuff.



You say.

"Hey. You all right?



Yeah. So it's been a couple

of weeks now. Girl.



Yeah. The doctor say he put

the dissolve stitches in.



He said that there is a chance they

could dissolve before six weeks is up.



Okay. Well. Let me take a look there.

Let me take a look.



Open up. Open your legs.



Does it hurt

when I do like that there?



So you don't feel this at all

right here. Like that there?



You don't feel that?

You don't feel that at all?



I'll wait. Shit!"



Then you can't get titty

for. Like. A year.



Ayear you can't get titty?



How long. Ladies. Is it exactly

that you can breast-feed?



- Five years!

- Somebody say five years?



Five years? Oh. Shit.



That ain't breast-feeding.

That's incest.



You're walking around

with a grown person on your titty.



"He's just a little big

for his age."



That motherfucker draggin' his feet.

sucking titty.



Fuck that.



Man. You can't get no titty

for that long. A year. Whatever. Man?



That's hard.

'cause I'm a titty man.



Ooh. I love the titty.



Mm-hmm. It's all right to applaud

the titties. It's all right.



I don't give a fuck

what size the titties are.



They could be big titties.

Just give me a day to work on them.



'Cause I like to

detail a titty real nice.



You know what I mean?

Oh. I like titties.



Big titties. Small titties...



big nipple titties

or small nipple titties.



You know.

it can't just be a nipple.



Okay? Cause I don't want to feel like

I'm kissing on Earl or shit like that.



But there gotta be a little cushion

up under that nip.



Just a little cushion up under the nip.

then we be all right.



I don't give a damn.

They could be saggy titties...



titties that hang to this side...



titties that hang to that side...



titties that hang over

the fucking back.



The ones that get smushy

when you put your finger in 'em...



and you take your hand off. They still

got fingerprints in the motherfucker.



Stretch mark titties.

I don't give a damn.



I lick between the lines.



Like a stamp.



I likes a titty.



And when you can't get that titty.

you miss it...



'cause the baby

got the titty on lockdown.



Baby at home...



And you see your wife

or your lady laying in the bed.



You see the baby on one titty and you...

"Damn. Why can't I get some of the tit?"



You know there's an extra titty.



You're like.

"I want some. I want some."



You try to ease over there. Get

a little lick of the titty that's open.



"No. Don't do that!"

"Shit. It's a free titty."



"Don't do that!

It's for the baby.



I gotta switch the baby over."



You're looking. Like. "Damn!"

You try to make up excuses.



"Shit. I got stronger jaws. I'm trying

to help suck the milk up for the baby."



"You've been drinking.

haven't you?



Don't do that.

You'll get alcohol on the titty.



You're gonna get the baby drunk.

Don't do that."



And the baby make the titty

look good. Don't they?



Babies show you

what titty's all about.






And they look at you

and roll their eyes.



They will fuckin' show you

what a titty is all about. Man.



Those are some of the things you

go through. Man. In this here life.



Round of applause.

all the couples that are married.



Well. Congratulations

to all four of you.



Now. I used to...

I used to be married.



I'm not married no more. We got

a divorce. It just didn't work out.



But it's hard...

You know. When you...



When you say. "I will marry you"

or "Will you marry me?"



that's like saying.

"Oh. Shit!"



That's why they line you up

like fighters and shit.



And guys be looking

at each other. Going...



"You know. When I finish

announcing these vows...



come out swingin'

like a motherfucker...



'cause it's gonna be

a barn burner."



But all this shit happens at first.

getting ready for the ceremony.



And then you gotta

fill out paperwork...



like if you feel as though

you have something...



that you want to be exclusively yours.

you gotta fill out IOU's.



I'm sorry.

I meant "prenuptials."



That's some hard shit. To tell

somebody that you love 'em...



and then the prenuptial comes into play.

but I guess it is what it is.



But a person will do that.

"You know. I love you.



"We about to do

this thing. Girl.



Yeah. Yeah.

We about to get married.



I'm so proud of you.

So glad we can make this happen.



Yeah. You know. What

excites me about this...



is that. For the rest of our lives.

we're gonna be together.



And. You know. That can't

be changed. You know.



And your world. You know.

is gonna be joined with my world.



My world joined

with your world.



And that's a beautiful thing.

We're gonna have one big world.



That's right.

That's right.



That's right.

I love you too. Yeah.



I need you to fill out

this paper that say...



Yeah. I just need you

to sign this here.



It say if your world

fuck up my world. Okay...



you don't get shit

out of my world. Okay?



You just go the fuck on back

to your world."



That's a hard thing to do

with them prenups and stuff.



Let me ask you a question.

Do you believe in the prenuptials?



Okay. Wow!

Y'all believe in that.



Wow. Who don't believe in it?



Overruled. Overruled!



I see you say. "Uh-uh."

You don't believe in that.



That's cool. That's cool 'cause

you believe that if it's love...



let it be pure

and just roll with that...



and let the heart take over

and see what happens.



That's a beautiful thing.

That's a beautiful thing.



So let me ask you...

This is hypothetically speaking here.



Let's say we was getting married

or some shit. Right?



This is hypothetical. Okay?



And coming into the marriage.

going in...



I got     million.

let's say.



And that's what

I'm coming in with...



and... you comin' in with a bag.



You still think you should

get some of that     mil?



- Half and half.

- Yeah. You be leaving.



"Damn. That's fucked up.



You could put something

in this bag."



I guess I can't answer that.

I guess to each his own.



Fellas. I don't know.

I ain't no doctor.



I ain't no psychologist.

But I'm gonna tell you like this.



If a woman tell you she a virgin

and you gettin' ready to marry her...



test that pussy out

before you marry her.



That's just the way it goes.

Don't do it.



Don't get into it.

and then it ain't what you want.



You never know.

You gotta test that pussy out.



'Cause if you marry 'em

and then get it...



and wind up falling in the pussy.

you'd be. "Oh. Shit!"



You'd be in the land of Oz

out that motherfucker.



"Where the fuck am I?

Is this fallopian? Is this fallopian?"



So you gotta test it out.



It's just like you test-drive

a car or something.



You take a car around the corner.

bring it back to the dealer...



"Naw. I ain't gonna be able

to get this. Cuz.



Yeah. Naw. Naw. Naw. Naw.

Fuck that. Dude.



The wheels. They don't rotate right

on this motherfucker."



Test it out. If you don't check

before you get married. Fuck around...



wind up marrying

a hermaphrodite.



That's right. You thought

that was a big-ass clit.



Turned out to be a dick.



Now you fucked up.

You're..."Oh. Shit."



Can't talk to your boys and shit.

"What's up. Dog?"



"I married somebody with a fuckin' dick

I thought was a clit."



You don't want to do that.



Clit so big.

it looked like a thumb.



So check it out.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.



Ladies. The same with you.



Don't marry no man that you

don't know what you gettin'.



Yeah. You gotta marry that man.

you gonna know what you gettin'.



'Cause if not.

you marry him and don't know...



you gonna be a bitter housewife on the

phone with your girlfriend. Crying...



"You ain't gonna believe

this shit. Girl.



Damn it. You ain't gonna

believe this shit. Girl!



This motherfucker

can't do nothin'. Girl.



The best thing about it

was the ceremony. Girl.



Ah. Shit!

He noodle dick. Girl."



You don't want

to go through that.



That's why what you do...



you tell the man...

You grab him. Iook at it.



Look at the dick.

Grab it in your hand. Look at it.



You know what I mean?

Hold it. Become the dick.



And look at it.

Look on the head.



Look on the sides.

Look up under the balls.



Look at it and ask questions.



"What's those two bumps

right there?



What's those two bumps

on your helmet?



Well. Have you tried putting

Mercurochrome on that?



No. You haven't. Huh?




Why you got a boil

up under your balls?



That is a boil. Okay?



That is not a hair bump.

That is a boil.




Okay. Hold up. Wait.



Fuck this.

Hold on. Wait.



Okay. Now you got a boil...



two balls and two bumps?



Uh-uh. I ain't gonna be

able to do it.



No. I ain't gonna

be able to do it.



I am not marrying

no Nutty Buddy.



I'm not gonna be able to do it.



That is too many bumps

on one dick. Uh-uh.



Dick look like a Crunch Bar.

I'm sorry. I just...



I can't do it. I won't do it.

I just won't."



Talk and communicate...

so you know these things.



And so you check... You know what

you're getting and you can be happy.



Make him get butt naked.

Tell your man. "Butt naked."



Tell him to line up right.

Look at him.



Make sure the dick

is in line right.



Make sure it's straight.

Make sure. Okay?



If you don't do that. You'll wind

up marrying a motherfucker...



with a hook in his dick.



Gotta fuck you like this.



You don't want that.

You don't need that pressure.



You should not have to go around

the corner every time he wants to fuck.



"It's just better for my balance.

I got you. You feel me now?



You feel me now. Don't you?

You feel me?"



Chasing you

around the room and shit.



So please. Check all those things.



And then when you're ready

to get married. You get married.



And you're ready

for the ceremony.



Ladies love them ceremonies.

Don't you. Ladies?



You love to invite people you love

and people you hate.



And look at them women that's looking

at you going. "Look at me. Bitch.



Look how I float. Bitch."



And ladies love

to wear that white.



With the veil

and wear that white.



'Cause white

stands for pure.



White. Pure. White.

Come on!



Some of y'all need to be

wearing dark black.



Tease 'em taupe.



Sneaky salmon.



Money green.

All that shit.



Talkin' about wearing white...



knowing they done

fucked the usher last week.



Come on. Now. Wear your color.



That's all I ask.

Wear your color.



Marriage. Man.

It's hard. It ain't easy.



I'll tell you.

One thing I did come to learn.



A lot of people that are married.

you know. Either...



Someone in the marriage

either smokes herb or drinks.



"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

That's some true shit. Ain't it?



I got some partners. "Yeah. Yeah.

I got to go home to the wife. Yo.



She get on my nerves every time

I go in that motherfuckin' door.



Yeah. Yeah.

Roll me one of them blunts. Joe.



Roll me one of them motherfuckers.

Yeah. Make that a fat one. Man.



When I smoke that shit. Man. That

bitch look like Janet Jackson. Nigger."



Or they drink. If you check all

the bars. They're mostly married men.



Just look at it. They're mostly married.

and they in there dreading going home.



They in the bar.

"Oh. Shit.



Make me another drink. Earl.

Oh. God. I got to go home to the wife.



Yeah. I don't know. Earl.

You know what? Make it a double.



She wants to fuck tonight. Oh. God.

Well. Here's to her. Oh. God."



They go in the house. "Honey. I'm home."

They start drinking some more.



The in-house drunk

is a motherfuck...



'cause he says things

when he gets drinkin'...



and once that alcohol hits his system...



that he probably

is just out of order for sayin'.



But he don't realize it

'cause he's so drunk. And now...



that liquor taps into his emotions.

and he starts tellin' this woman...



everything he's been wantin'

to say when he was sober.



But he don't have the courage

to say it when he's sober...



and he says it when he's drunk.



"Darlin'. Do me a favor.

will you? Mm-hmm.



Yes. Baby. It's so good.

I'm glad I'm home. Mm-hmm.



Yeah. I think about you all day.

Mm-hmm. I'm glad.



Do me a favor. Never mind all that.

Would you make me a drink. Darlin'?



Yeah. Uh-huh.

Just a little Courvoisier.



Put a little something in that glass

for me right there. Darlin'.



Thank you so much. Baby.



Yeah. That's good Courvoisier.



Make you say yea.



Darlin'. Put a couple of cubes of ice

in there. Cut that warmth off for me.



Thank you. Baby.




That is a good drink there!



That is a good drink there!



That's my drink there.



That is my drink.



Can I ask you something?



When the fuck

you gonna grow your hair back?



I'm tired. Yes. I said.

Yes. Tired.



Uh-huh. You're a bald-headed

little motherfucker.



You told me

you was gettin' the...



the Halle Berry look.



Halle Berry don't look

like that.



I feel like you set me up.






I don't give a shit.



Darlin'. Put one more cube

of ice in there for me.



Cut that warmth.

Thank you. Doll.



That was good.



Can I ask you something?



How is it you got more motherfuckin'

shavin' bumps than me?



How you got more?



How is it you got more?



I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck.



Every week. You tellin' me...



you gonna

get your lip waxed.



You might as well just let 'em

take the whole lip.



'Cause that shit

sitting out there like Sasquatch.



Fuck that. Fuck that.



If I wanted to marry Scottie

from the Whisper Bitch...



I would've married him.



Motherfucker. Fuck that.

Fuck that. I said it. Huh?



That's because I feel bad

about it. Girl. Okay?



I said. 'Okay? '



Okay? You didn't

talk to me about it.



When you first gained

five pounds...



that was cute.



I'm-a admit. I'm-a admit that. Okay?

That was cute.



But    pounds? Goddamn!



What kind of fuckin' fool

you take me for?



My motherfuckin' ankles

is still swollen...



from the last time

we toyed around.



Look at you.

Oh. God. Look at you.



That is a good drink there.



I remember when I met you.



You was a     tender bone.



Yes. You was.



You was the finest thing

my eyes ever seen.



You was a round-the-way girl.



Now you just a big bitch

from up the street.



Goddamn! Huh?






I don't give a damn.



Don't give a damn.



And I don't like your mother

and your family.



I don't like

none of you motherfuckers.



Every year... Every year

we gotta do the family thing.



Everybody brings potluck.



Fuck that! None of you

motherfuckers can cook.



And your mother... Tell her to

stay the fuck out of my face.



Always in my face.



'How was my macaroni and cheese? '



It's fucked up. Bitch!



Don't nobody put pasteurized cheese

in macaroni and cheese.



You got to use cheddar.



Cheddar's what you use.



My mama taught me that.



I don't care!



I'm looking at you.

and I can't imagine it.



There should be a clause

in my contract that says...



if your ass gets bigger than

what you weighed in when we married...



I don't have to fuck with you.



Fuck it. Be a man.



You was... When I first met you...

Darlin'. I'm gonna say this.



You were looking good from afar.



Now you're just far

from looking good.



I don't like you...



and you don't like me. Okay?



I'm taking karate every day!



I'm taking kung fu.



I'm taking jujitsu.



I'm taking all the martial arts.



I'm trying to master that shit...



so I can figure out how to

choke the fucking life out your ass...



without them tracing it

back to forensics...



you big bitch. You.



You know what?



Let me put this drink down

before I say some shit I shouldn't say."



Wow. But you know the ladies ain't

gonna let you get away with that shit.



You gonna pay the price for that.

You know what I mean?



'Cause she will wake your ass up.

cuss you out..."Fuck you! Get your ass up!"



You wake up and you don't even know

why you're up or what happened.



"What's the problem?" "You know what

the problem is. You dirty bastard!



I got big 'cause I don't

want your ass. Motherfucker.



You're so ugly.

you look like we got a dog.



That's what the neighbors think.

you bastard."



They get angry.



They will take it in. And they will be quiet

and let you talk shit and all that...



but they getting you back.



If you ever wake up sore...

I mean. Really fucked up. Hurtin'...



nine times out of ten you got

your ass whupped in your sleep.



And the only reason why you didn't

wake up is 'cause you was out.



That liquor had your ass out.



They running through

the motherfuckin' house...



You wake up the next day...



"My neck!



My motherfucking neck!



I don't know what's wrong with me!



I don't know what's wrong...

This morning...



What's wrong with me?"



She just gonna look at you...



"Maybe you should stop

drinking Courvoisier."



Be careful. Man.

That shit can happen.



I don't know if you guys

saw the film.



It kind of highlighted my life.



You know. Through it all...



I come to learn

what I got to do in my life...



What we all gotta do in our life is ride

this motherfucker till the wheels fall off.



We gotta live.

Ride it till the wheels fall off.



You might have looked at the tape.

It said one day I was...



I was out in the street.



This is some shit they said about...

They had it highlighted.



They said I was

out in the street...



and I was yelling stuff

out in the street and doing stuff.



Listen. Y'all.

I was married at the time.



Now. I'm not blaming that

for that. Okay?



But. Okay. At the time...

I'm gonna tell you what happened.



'Cause that's how they

put their story down. Okay?



I'm gonna tell it.

But that's how they do theirs.



But. See. L...



The day that all that went down...



I'm gonna tell it.



The day that all that went down...



I was married. And the wife asked me to

go to the store to get something to eat.



And being the good husband that I am.

I said. "Sure. I'll go."



Now that I think about it.

I don't know why I was out there...



getting something to eat

at McDonald's...



when. As hard as I work. I should've

had a home-cooked fuckin' meal.



You know?



But then again...



I should've asked that question

that day.



So I go out in the street...



and I go to run across the street...

I was trying to catch the light.



I go to run

across the street and...



because how the light changed. I got

caught in the middle of the street.



Next thing I know.

they got firemen. They got ambulance...



they got the police. Everybody out

there with guns... all of'em had guns...



just because I tried to

run across the street.



No. I'm fucking with you.

I was higher than a motherfucker. Y'all.



I was high as shit!



Oh. My fuckin' goodness!






I was smokin' that ooh-wee!



That shit done had me

all lunch-box.



I should have known

something was wrong.



I start blazin' that shit.

and I knew I started seeing blue smoke...



but the shit didn't hit me

till I'm walking in the street.



Some shit said.

"Run real fast right now."



Fuckin' runnin' in the street!



Fuckin' with the ooh-wee!



I'm running like crazy.



What kind of shit

has the dope man sold me?



I'm in that motherfucker just

ducking cars. Fucking with the cars...



jumping out the way.

fucking with the cars and shit.



Next thing you know.

the motherfucking...



police and firemen

and the ambulance...



"Mr. Lawrence. Son. What's wrong?

Calm down!"



And I'm up there looking at them.

all crazy.



They looking at me.

I'm looking at them.



I start singing...

How come I feel like



Somebody's watching me



I start singing Rockwell

up in that motherfucker.



I said. "That dope man

done sold me the ooh-wee."



Oh. Shit.



I seen all of them. And I thought

my audience had changed...



so I start performing for 'em.

dancing and shit.









Fuckin' with that ooh-wee. Man.



My damn...



My arm hit my jacket...



and my jacket flew open.



And they gonna say I had a gun

'cause my jacket...



I did have a gun.



That's true. I did.



But I ain't have it

to hurt nobody.



I just have it 'cause I'm by myself.

I didn't know if somebody would jump me.




Trigger tai chi.



I didn't know. You know.



But I wasn't trying

to hurt nobody.



Next thing you know...



when they saw that gun.

these motherfuckers loaded up.



Every one of them... the firemen.

ambulance. Everybody pulled out guns.



Yes. Sir. And I heard somebody yell.

"Nigger with gun! Nigger with gun!"



They got ready to fire.



I passed out like a motherfucker.



Somebody done fucked around

and sold me the ooh-wee.



I passed the fuck out. Y'all.



And I'm on the motherfuckin'...



I wake up. I don't know.

ten minutes. Fifteen...



I wasn't countin' time.



And they had me on a gurney...



with cameramen and everybody

in my fuckin' face...



flashing pictures

for y'all to see on the news.



Then they put me in a...

in a paddy wagon...






They want to show

that they cared...



but I'm lunchin'. So they're gonna

take me to jail or some shit.



So they're ready to take me to jail.

but I'm in there talking shit...



singing on the bed. Or the gurney.

laying there singing shit.



That just didn't sound right..."We're

gonna have to take you to the precinct."



And I'm lunchin' and shit.

and I say...



"Monkeys like to play volleyball."



I'm laying there...



"Pit bulls like to wear Jordans."



That's when they realized

I was sicker than they thought.



They said. "He's got something

in his system that got him sick-witted.



Fuck taking him to jail.

Let's take him to the hospital."



Them motherfuckers

rushed me to the hospital...



put me in a padded room

with just a big-ass mirror...



where you could kind of see through...

You knew they was on the other side.



And I didn't help. 'cause I'm

still in there lunchin' and shit.



Working on moves and shit.



Two to the right.



One to the left.



Think about it.






Fuckin' lunchin'.



Then a doctor came in. Y'all.



He was a fan of the show. And he really

wanted to see me get out of there.



He said. "Listen. Son. I'm a doctor.

I'm not here to hurt you."



I'm moving. Can't stay still.

and he's a little nervous.



He said. "I don't know what happened.

but you almost got yourself killed.



You were carrying a firearm.

and I don't know what you were thinking.



But listen. We ran tests.

We checked your blood. Son.



And we can't find

anything in your blood."



For a second I was sober...

"What the dope man done sold me?"



You know. When they can't

find it in your blood?



So he said. "I wanna help you

get the fuck home.



I wanna get you out of here

and back to your family.



But you're gonna have to help me

to help you. That's what you can do.



I need to know

what you were smoking...



and who sold it to you."



I sobered up

for about    seconds.



"I can't tell you that. Doc.



That's a street code. We never tell.

What the fuck you talking about?"



That's what I told him.



"You trying to get me fucked up

by the dope man?"



Then it was time for me to go.

'cause I was together.



The ooh-wee had got

out of my system.



I couldn't believe I was

out on the street lunchin'.



I had the hottest show on. I couldn't

believe these things was happening.



Marriage was on the brink.

All kind of shit after that.



But before I left the hospital...



I got your love. And I felt

your love and support for me.



You know?



And it was a beautiful thing.

and I thank each and every one of you.



That meant a lot to me.



It truly meant a lot to me.

so I'm forever grateful.



And I tell you...



celebrities came up to see me

when I was in the hospital.



It was kinda wild.

They came to see me.



Magic Johnson came to see me

when I was in the hospital.



When I was going through one of

my hardest times. He came and said...



"Martin. What are you doin'. Boy?



What are you doing out on the street.

doing that crazy stuff like that. Man?



You gotta take care of yourself.

You got a hot show. Don't blow it. Man.



You got to be like 'Show time!"'



That was a beautiful thing

for Magic to give me that advice.



So since I had him there.

I took the opportunity to ask him...



to get me on the Lakers.



And he said. "Sure. Mar.

I'll see what I can do. Mar."



I know he went home and told Cookie.

"Yeah. That motherfucker in bad shape.



He wanted to take Derek Fisher's job.

I don't know what the fuck he's thinking."



So finally I got out

of the hospital.



That was one thing I went through.

I couldn't believe it. Fucked up.



I said. "Now I got the embarrassment

hanging over me."



I never really wanted

to go down that way.



But I had to move on. So...



I'm trying to get it together.



Couldn't really go home. 'cause it

wasn't really going so well at home.



So I did what we all do when we're

trying to get our life together...



I went to a club.



I'm out that motherfucker. Man...



I'm at the club dancing. Minding my

business. Doing the ladies dance.



I'm a little off. Though.

I ain't on the right dances yet.



I'm still on some old shit.



And some. You know... I don't know

what this motherfucker was.



He bumped into me. And I said.

"Watch yourself. Partner."



Then he go and push me.



I punched that boy in his mouth.



We rumblin' in there.



Then everybody clears out.



I'm rumblin'. Everybody clears out.

Even he cleared out.



I said. "Damn. I know I can rumble.

but hot damn!



Shouldn't have started it

if you wasn't gonna finish."



So he runs out. And then

all these damn cops come in...



about    fucking cops

with shotguns and shit...



all for little-ass Martin.



Thirty cops.

You'd have thought I was bin Laden.



They came in that motherfucker...

"Mr. Lawrence!"



I fainted again.



How come I feel like

somebody's watching me?



Next thing you know. They put me in

jail. This time I didn't get off easy.



They said. "Fuck it.



On Ventura we didn't take you to jail.

but now we're taking your ass to jail."



When I woke up.

they had me ready to go.



I knew I was getting ready to go fuck

around with them hardheads up in there.



I wasn't trying to get them

to come at me right here...



so I jumped down

and did some pushups.



I said. "Wait. Officer.

let me do a few of these."



And I got real "deezed" on 'em.



My arms was hawked up

a little bit...



so I could go up in that motherfucker

and bang with these niggers.



"What? What. Nigger. What?"



So they take me to the precinct

and throw me in the cell by myself.



So I'm sittin' in that motherfucker

with the arms all swolled...



chest all "deezed."



Nobody to rumble

out that motherfucker.



They said. "The best way to get back

at Martin... let him stay by hisself."



The next thing you know. An hour go by.

my "deez" drops a little bit.



Another hour go by.

and they drop a little more.



About four hours go by.

I'm holding my arms. Going. "Oh. Bitch.



I'm sorry!



He hit me first!



I'm not an animal!



I'm not an animal."



Finally they let me

up out the motherfucker.



I'm getting ready to get outta there.

thinking I'm going home and shit...



and they hand me a paper

to go to court.



I go to court.



The judge I had was this. You know...

he was a cool. Young white dude.



Didn't take no shit. But straight

to the point. Tell you how it is.



He said. "Martin. What the fuck

are you doing in my courtroom?



I wanna know why the fuck

are you in my courtroom.



I don't understand that.



Whoa. Whoa. You mean I go to have

my bagel and coffee this morning...



I look at the paperwork. And your

fucking name is on my fucking desk?



What are you thinking?

You know what you're doing?



You're making an ass out of yourself

and you're blowing it. Kid.



You're blowing it.



You're in a position to do

what a lot of people would love to do...



and you're throwing it away.



You're becoming a menace to society.

and it doesn't even make sense.



Why don't you use all this exposure and

shit to do something positive. Martin?



'Cause you're in my courtroom.

I will lock your fucking ass up.



I don't give a shit.

I will lock you up.



Yes. I'm down with the brothers and

the homies. I will lock your ass up.






I put someone away about a year ago.

His name was Tank.



He thought he was bad.

Now his name is Tina.



And Tina's wearing

little tankies. Martin.



You need to get your shit together

or leave it alone. I'll lock your ass up.



Okay? Ask Gary Coleman."



I said. "Oh. Shit!



You're right.

I'll get it together. You're right.



I'll get it together."



And he said.

"Not without probation."



And I said.

"Never again. Never again."



I said. "Martin..."

I asked myself. I said...



"How did you go through all that?

How... That's stupid.



What you have gotten to do

in your lifetime...



a lot of people would love to do.



Fortunately. God has blessed you

with a gift to make people laugh...



and to do some very

special things in life.



And you come that far

to throw it away?"



Then it hit me.

I said. "Nah."



I didn't want to keep jumping on myself

and keep feeling down about myself.



I said. "Nah."

But then it hit me. You know what?



I said. "I'm only human."



If I'm crucified for being a human.

then so be it.



Because no one is immune

to the trials and tribulations of life.



No one.



No matter what you do.

you are not immune...



to the trials

and tribulations of life.



As I got out...



and tried to get myself together...



I stopped fuckin' with the ooh-wee

'cause it wasn't for me.



That's a start.



So I got it together.

I kept movin'.



I said. "Let me get my life together."

and as I'm getting my life together...



I'm dealing with the motherfuckers

writing bullshit about me...



saying negative things about me.



All these devils that

just wanna take God's child out.



Here goes all these rumors.



Here goes all these rumors

writin' about me.



I see on the paper.

one of'em says...



"Martin tries to jump

out of a plane...



using his jacket

as a parachute."



As I'm trying to get my life together.

they're gonna write that bullshit.



I know damn well

you can't jump out no plane...



using your jacket

as a parachute.



Shit. I know

you got to use your pants.



They don't think

I know this shit.



So I said. "Fuck that."



Then I was trying to get my dating

scene on. Find a lady in my life.



Then I was trying to get my dating

scene on. Find a lady in my life.



'Cause I wasn't married no more.

so I'm running around. You know...



"What's up. Miss lady? How you doin'?"

And they was believing that shit.



I'd say. "Hello."

They'd say. "Ah. You crazy. Ain't you?"



Girl. Don't fuck with him.

He crazy.



That motherfucker probably got a Glock

on him. Don't fuck with him."



I couldn't believe it.

So then I said. "Fuck the rumors.



Fuck what they say. Fuck what they

write. 'cause I'm gonna be all right."



And that's what I did.

I went running.



I went jogging.



I went running.



I was trying to

get my mind together.



I'm out there. I'm running.

and I'm jogging...



and I'm thinking. "Somewhere

there's got to be a love for me."



I'm doing my jogging.

listening to the headphones...



but I happen to go jogging...



on the fuckin' hottest day...



of the fuckin' summer!



And a nigger pass out!






I passed the fuck out.



Lyin' in shit on the lawn.



Can't believe that. As if I didn't have

enough shit going on in my life.



Now I'm back on the motherfucking scene

passed out by shit on a lawn.



Neighbors walking by.

seeing me laying there.



My white neighbors

didn't wanna bother me.



"Isn't that Martin

laying on his lawn?



Why doesn't he

go in the house?"



"I don't know. But that's that

nigger's house. Let him lay there."



But my lady found me.

She called the ambulance.



And I'm forever grateful

to her. My family. All of them.



They was instrumental

in being a part of saving my life.



But they didn't think

I was here. Y'all...



'cause I was laying on the ground.

and that sun was frying my head...



in a skull cap.

in a fuckin' wool-ass hat.



It was fryin' my shit.



So they think. "Oh. Man!" They checked

my pulse. They couldn't find no pulse.



My temperature was     .



So the ambulance drivers leaned over.

couldn't feel the pulse.



They said. "Fuck it.

This nigger gone.



You wanna stop

at the liquor store?"



"Yeah. Pick up some Courvoisier.

Fuck that."



But they get me

to the hospital on time.



I'm thankful to all of them...

the doctors and nurses. The ambulance.



But one thing they gonna do... I'm     .

They needed to put me on ice.



They put me on nothing but ice.

They put ice all over my body.



Butt naked.



Damn it!



Now. I don't mind that.



I'm hot? Cool me off.



But I was butt-naked. And I didn't have

the weight in my meat I usually have.



So I'm out there like this on ice.



And they around me

taking pictures and shit...



laughing at me!



I'm gonna fight that in court.

I'm gonna deal with that.



'Cause somebody could've put

an ice cube under my balls...



and swolled it up a little

or something.



Come on. Now.

I'm a black man. Y'all.



But they didn't do that.



My family was there.



The doctors tried to tell them

to go home. They said. You know...



And I love them and thank them so much

for never giving up on me...



because. Had they gone home. I probably

wouldn't even be here. You know.



My brother...



Yeah. Thank you.

I applaud 'em. All of'em.



My whole family.

I love 'em.



Yeah. It was rough.



My brother scared the doctor. 'cause he

didn't wanna hear that. He's military.



"What the fuck

you talking about? What?



Nigger. I'm gonna

walk down the street.



When I get back. Keep talking

that shit you talking. Doc.



Better pull out a stethoscope.

motherfucker. Or something."



That's when they started working on me.

Them doctors did all they could.



And I thank them for that.



But as much as I thanked them.

I gave God the glory...



for bringing me back.



I give him the glory.

No question.



I thank him. You know...



for putting his children

out there around me to help me.



So I woke up three days later.



Being out for three days

was some of the best sleep I ever got.



I woke up. Everybody was happy

to see me..."We love you! We love you!"



"Ain't nothin' wrong

with my hearing."



I had a tube in my mouth.

I had a catheter in my dick.



I thought my dick had grew.




It was a damn catheter.



I didn't know how they

got that catheter in there.



They couldn't have got that shit in there

if I was woke. I'll tell you that.



So I had to learn

to talk again.



I had to learn to walk again.



I had to learn to do all these things

we generally take for granted.



It come not so easy.

I had to learn to do that shit again.



My show was running on the air.

I got movies out...



but I can't go to premieres and shit

because I can't walk.



Can't do all this shit.



So I said. "Fuck it.

I gotta work hard to get better."



So they put me in a room

and gave me a bell.



They said. "If you need help. Hit this

bell and we'll come in and help you.



The nurse will come help you."



This catheter was attached

to a tank that had...



It's where your piss goes.



One day I tried to get up

and forgot I couldn't walk...



and the whole piss tank fell.



I ring the bell.



"I dropped my piss!"



So the nurse came in.

and the nurse was fine.



She was so fine.

you'd go. "Goddamn!"



She cleaned up the piss.



This fine. Professional woman

started cleaning up the piss.



She talked to me and said. "Don't be

embarrassed. This is gonna happen.



But if you think you have to go to

the bathroom or want to try to get up...



ring your bell and I'll help you.



But don't try to get up.

all right?"



I said. "Thank you."



But I forgot.



Tried it. Piss everywhere.



"I dropped my piss."



"Mr. Lawrence. Don't try to get up.

Just ring your bell.



That's what I'm here for."



Then one day I was looking at

something on TV. And I laughed.



And I shitted on myself.



It was that borderline...



It was just really

all soft shit...



because I only had

liquids in me.



It just smeared

all around my fuckin' thigh...



and it was stinkin'

like a motherfucker.



I was gonna ring the bell. And I said.

"I can't call that fine motherfucker.



I can't tell that fine motherfucker

that I done shitted on myself.



I can't tell her.

I know she got a fine friend...



that know a fine friend.



All the fine ones

gonna know I shitted."



I couldn't do it. I'm holding my nose.

I couldn't take it no more.



It was cuttin' through

my passages.



"I shitted on myself."



And this fine woman...



came in...



and cleaned up the shit.



She was so patient with me.



"Mr. Lawrence. I know you're a little

embarrassed. But these things happen.



Now. I told you. Your bowels...

your muscles are not strong.



So don't worry about it.



There's no need to be embarrassed.

These things happen.



This is the hospital.

Don't worry about it."



And then she started

cleaning me.



And she cleaned. And she wiped.



I looked at her.



This woman was cleaning doo-doo...



off me.



And I said...



I started falling in love.



Now. Man...



that was a beautiful thing

for them to do... for her to do.



After that. I shitted maybe

seven more times. I would say.



Went from hard shit to doodle balls.

all kinds of shit.



Shit with corn in it.



And she cleaned it up.



About the tenth doo-doo.

she was madder than a motherfucker.



All that professional

went out the window.



"All right. Mr. Lawrence!



Now. This shit

don't make no sense!



You too grown for this shit!



You been in this hospital all this time. And

you ain't worked your fuckin' muscles yet?



Shittin' all over the place.

That's just not cute.



And you gonna act like you wanna get

with me. I don't want no shitty man.



Talkin' about 'Martin! Martin! '

Should be Shitty Martin."



Scared me so bad.

I just stopped shittin' for a while.



Didn't do nothin'.



I think she quit after that. They said

she was gone. Couldn't find her nowhere.



Said she couldn't take the shit

off Martin no more. She was tired of it.



I think I shitted one more time.

and I just sat in that.



"I will not tell nobody."



And the whole room was funky.



It was so stinky. "Fuck it.

My pride won't let me tell nobody.



'Cause I don't want them

to get angry with me no more."



I tied a pillowcase around my head

and around my nose...



and cut out the eyes.



I was in there looking like

a shitty superhero.



And then they motherfuckin'

came in the room and shit.



You know. They could smell.

'cause it was messing up the hospital.



They thought they was gonna

have to quarantine the hospital.



They found it was me sittin' in shit.

and I started blaming people.



I was in denial.



"There's a serial shitter

going around.



He broke in

and put the drawers on me.



He went that-a-way."



But one thing I can say...



honestly. Truly from the heart

that I learned...



from. You know. Ventura...



the gun. Assault. Whatever...

fights and coma and all that.



One thing I truly learned...



is that we fall down...



but we get up.



Thank you.



Will all the people

who like sex...



All the people

who like safe sex.



Sex is good.

I love sex.



That's a good thing. Isn't it?

I love sex.



I love everything about it.



Just not all the crazy stuff.



Ladies. I love that oral sex.



I love when you do me.

I really do. I really do.



You gotta soak. You know.



If I'm gonna do that.

you gotta clean it well.



Because. Guys. If you ever caught

a bad one. That shit will scar you...



for the rest

of your fucking life.



You ever go down

and it smell like...



you will be fucked up.



Shit smell like. "Oh. No."



So if you clean it right.

we don't have to go through that.



'Cause. Ladies. You don't like a man

with a stinky dick. Am I correct?



You would let a man know

in a minute.



"Your balls stink.



Your balls stink!"



I got a woman right now

suing me.



No. Not 'cause of stinky dick.



She gonna say I gave her

high blood pressure...



'cause I had salt on my balls.



I said. "I thought you liked your meat

seasoned. Baby. What's the problem?"



But sex is good.

Sex is good.



Do it when you get the chance

to do it. Have fun.



Make love. Let it blossom.

but do it right.



That weird sex shit? Who is out here

doing that weird sex shit?



Who's doing that?



Stop that shit.

You know who you are.



Pissing on people?



That is not lovemaking.

Stop getting that...



"You like that?



Let me drink two more cups of water.

and I got a little more for you."



Cut it out!



Cut out doing

that weird sex shit.



And whoever is doing

that S&M. Stop it.



Listen. If you wanna do a little

something. You just gotta be gentle.



Is it called S&M... S&M?



I don't do it.

so I don't know.



Listen. Ain't nothin' wrong

with a little pop on the ass.



I'm a pop-on-the-ass man.

I know how to do it though.



I been trained for that

and everything.



They show you how

you're supposed to do that.



One leg here.

the other leg here.



When you pop.

you come up off it like that.



See? That means you're not

actually trying to hurt 'em.



You're just trying to make them

feel that sting.



But when you pop

and plow 'em into the fucking wall...



then it's starting to get brutal.



You don't want that.

That's brutal sex.



You don't wanna

pull your dick out...



and then drop your foot

on the back of their neck.



You don't wanna take hot curlers

and burn their stomach.



Talkin' about.

"You love me? You love me?"



That's just not

what you wanna do.



I seen some white boy tell his lady.

"Kick me in my balls real hard.



Right now."



"Fuck. Yeah! Yeah!"



I seen a lady have her nipples

clamped to the door...



and have somebody slam the door.



"Oh. Yeah! Yeah!



Now take 'em off the hinges

and throw the doors.



Yeah! Yeah!"



So please...



be gentle with that.



And who is puttin' gerbils

in their ass?



Stop it!



Them gerbils ain't done

nothin' to nobody.



Them little rodents ride that wheel.

you snatch 'em. Put 'em in your ass.



Stop that.

I hope they scratch your ass out.



Hope you wind up in a hospital

sounding like a Chinese movie.



"Doctor! Doctor!



The rodent's up in my ass!"



Scratch his ass out. Little rodent.

Scratch his ass out.



You know the doctor gonna tell you.

"I can get him out.



But first you're gonna have to

fill out some paperwork."



"Hurry up. Doctor!

Hurry up. Doctor!"



So please...



be cautious with your sex.

be gentle with your sex.



Be gentle with your lovemaking.

Love one another.



Another thing. Fellas.



Have you ever...



been doing it so good...



so wonderful...



The mood is right.



The lights are dim.



It's probably dark...



but not quite dark.

'cause your bodies. They silhouette.



You can see each other.



The music is going. It seems to be

going with your emotion and your flow.



Everything's working that night.



"Ooh. Girl.



Why you do this to me. Girl?



Oh. That is so nice.



It's so moist. So wet.



Wow. It's so hot."



And you're going.

"My goodness. Girl.



You just so wet.



What. You gettin'

extra wet for me tonight?



Extra. Extra. Extra?"



All over you. You can feel it

all over your thighs. Everywhere.



Then you get up

and you cut on the lights.



Blood every-fucking-where.



It looks like a fucking massacre.



You look at your dick like

it's a knife. "Why? Why?"



You look at the bed.

It looks like a crime scene.



"Why? Why. Why. Why?"



You look at her.



"Why didn't you tell me?"



Ladies got the perfect answer.



"You must have brought it down!"



God bless.



Ride this motherfucker

till the wheels fall off.



Special help by SergeiK