Meatballs Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Meatballs script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Bill Murray movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Meatballs. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Meatballs Script








Camp North Star senior staff...






and counselors-in-training...



please rise for our national anthem.



How about that anthem, huh?



I don't know about you, but I just get

a great, big lump in my throat...



every time I hear it.



It's  :   in the a.m. And...



it's, wow,    degrees...



on the old Camp North Star

weather dial.



That is kind of nippy

for a June    isn't it?



I'm Tripper Harrison...



I'm your head counselor...



and this is my wake-up show.



I'll be coming at you every morning

about this time...



hoping to make

your summer camp experience...



the best available...



in this price range.



Of course, across the lake...



over at Camp Mohawk...



they won't be getting up

for another hour or so.



And when they do, they'll be awakened

by servants bearing croissants...



and café au lait.



Whoops, I hope I didn't hit anybody.



But here at Camp North Star

this morning we're gonna be having...



a delicious gruel breakfast.



And don't forget to ask

for seconds because...



it's all the gruel you can eat.



Are you ready for the summer



Are you ready for the good times



Are you ready for the birds and bees

the apple trees



And a whole lotta foolin' around



Are you ready for the hot nights



Are you ready for the fireflies

the moonlit skies



And a whole lotta foolin' around



No more pencils, no more books



No more teachers' dirty looks



No more math and history



Summertime has set us free



Are you ready for the all-day fun

in the sun



'Cause the summer is ready for you



Okay, everybody, I'm waiting.

People, settle down.



Okay, that's better.



There's a lot of new people this year,

so before I go any further...



I want to introduce myself.



- My name's Morty Melnick.

- Hi, Mickey!



The name is Morty, not Mickey.



The buses are leaving tomorrow morning

at  :   to pick up the kids.



It's important you get

your bus assignments...



to know which kids

you're in charge of.



Don't argue with me, Bradley.



You can get rabies

from a raccoon too.



- Tell him, Maury.

- That's right.



Don't forget to put paper

on the toilet seat covers...



'cause you can get

a terrible infection...



I meant to ask you,

did you bring smokes?



No, I couldn't. I forgot.



My mom found the carton in my suitcase.

She had a shit-fit.



- Why don't we get some.

- Yeah.



Mommy. Mommy.



Where's my mommy?



Tripper, I'm looking forward

to some action this summer.



I hope you and your gentlemen

can supply it for me.



I could supply you, but the guy

you gotta watch out for is Spaz.



- Spaz?

- He's a sex machine.



Are you kidding me?



He couldn't wake me up

with a trumpet and a drum.



Well, I went out with him one night,

and he got us six nurses by himself...



and four of them couldn't report

to work the next morning.



You gonna be okay?



Hey, I'll see you

at the end of the summer, okay?



This bus does not have

a safety inspection sticker.



- It's a fine old bus.

- No, it's not! It is a piece of junk.



I'm gonna tell my father,

and he's gonna report you...



- to the Department of Motor Vehicles...

- Roxanne!



And you're going to jail,

behind bars.



Just like last year,

we'll hate it.



Camp is lousy, and you're a dork.



You're right.

You sure are one.



- Hiya.

- Come on.



- What do you want?

- Are you having trouble?



- I can't get these kids on the bus!

- That's because I'm not goin'!



Come here. I wanna have

a word with you, all right?



- You guys, you better get on the bus.

- Why?



If you don't, I'm gonna beat

the pants off of ya!



Not bad, huh?



- Watch it. That stuff's expensive.

- Very good, sir.



Hey, Spaz. How you doin', buddy?



- Good to see ya.

- Give that back.



- We're doin' you a favor.

- Give it back!



Wanna make us, Spaz?






- Give him back the milkshake.

- All right. Here you go.



Hey, we'll see you

at the basketball game, Spaz.



Mohawk jerks.



These children are going to the most

glamorous of all summer camps...



Camp Mohawk.



There's a two-year waiting list...



and every child has to be voted in.



On top of all that, it costs

$     a week to go to Camp Mohawk.



The question is:

Is it worth $     a week?



It sure is.

It's the best darned camp there is.



Well, are you connected

with Camp Mohawk?



I think so.

I'm the program director, Jerry Aldini.



Well, how do you justify

$     a week?



We have some special programs.



We're doing "Shakespeare in the Round"

again this year.



Our political round table.

Henry Kissinger will appear.



Yasir 'Arafat is gonna come out, spend

a weekend with the kids, rap with 'em.



That's amazing!



The kids wanted animals, so this year

each camper will stalk and kill...



his own bear

in our private wildlife preserve.



Are you sure

the children can hack that?



We'll see. The real excitement is

gonna come at the end of the summer...



during Sexual Awareness Week.



We import     hookers from

around the world, and each camper...



armed with only a thermos of coffee

and $     cash...



tries to visit

as many countries as he can.



The winner, of course, is named

King of Sexual Awareness Week...



and is allowed to rape and pillage

the neighboring towns until camp ends.



That's incredible!



What do you expect for $     a week?

Hey, you have a good summer.



You must be the short, depressed kid

we ordered. Glad you made it.



Want half of this?



Come on inside, Frankenstein.

I'll buy you a cocktail.



All the   -year-old girls here finally?

It's gonna be a terrific year.



This ground is too slippery.



I could fall and get whiplash

or a broken neck, a serious injury.



- A guy could die from that.

- Phil, he's all yours.



Thanks, Tripper.

Are you Rudy Gerner?



I'm Phil.



- Gotta get this...

- Hi, Morty.



- Hi, Trip. You got the rules?

- No. I'm lookin' for them.



Here they go. Very important.



All your CIT's have gotta know those

inside-out, backwards, whatever.



Post 'em up,

make sure they know 'em.



Hey, Larry.






- I think that chick is staring at me.

- Which chick? Where?



Over there.



Hey, she is starin' at ya.



You better go talk to her.

She probably wants it.



What's cookin', good-lookin'?



Your fly's undone.



Come on.



Hey, Fink, come on.

Off your knees.



Spaz, I was watching you. Looked like

you had a chance there for a second.



Thanks, Trip.



- My man, my main man.

- Hey, Tripper.



Eyes right, gentlemen.



All right, now.

Just right, left, right, left.



All right.



These are the camp rules.

Morty would like you to look at these.



They'll be in here

if you want to check these out later.



And now, gentlemen...

and you are...



I'll take you to your cabin assignments

for the first week. Let's go!



This is the six-year-olds' cabin.



All they know how to do

is eat and wet their beds.



You guys will teach them

everything else. Crockett, take it.



I don't want it. No six-year-olds.

Aw, come on, Trip.



My man. Good luck.



Put the comic book away

and get your shirt.



Take the shirt by the shoulders.



One fold sleevie...



two fold sleevie.



- Presto! It's done.

- How's this, Mike?



That's not bad. Why don't we have

a nap and come back later and try it.



- No. Forget it.

- Come on.



Do I have to count to three?

One, two...



Two's good enough.

Come on, Steve.



What's that?



It's Ernie, my pet frog.

He's a jumper.



- How come he doesn't hop?

- He's tired, I guess.



- No, he's dead.

- No, he's sleeping.



For sure he's dead.



Mister, could you help me

wake up my frog?



He looks tired.



Why don't we let him sleep

a little longer.



You take that nap now...



and I'll take care of the frog.



This is the   -year-old girls' cabin.



They've got the drive and the equipment,

but they don't have the experience.



They better not get it from you guys.

Not this summer, anyway.






Just the person I wanted to see.



Later, Tripper. Say, Christmas?



A.L., that's your cabin.



You got the jailbait. Watch 'em.



- Women.

- Thanks.



- See you later.

- I want you to know I'm deeply hurt.



I mean that sincerely.



Glad to hear it. Excuse me.



Hi, Hardware.



- Hi, Larry.

- Hi, Finkle. Hi, Hard.



Hey, guess what, guys.

Liza finally got her period.



- You don't have to advertise it.

- They gotta know.



You better watch it,

'cause now you can get pregnant.



I heard about this girl. She got

pregnant without doing it with anyone.



What do you mean?

You can't get pregnant without doing it.



No, stupid. She didn't do it.

She almost did it.



Oh, my God.



Hi, guys.

I got your cabin this week.



Go on. Ask A.L.



Ask me what?



Can a girl get pregnant

if she almost does it with a guy?






I don't think so. No.



That's a relief.



Spaz-alapolis, you're in here

with Phil and the   -year-olds.



- This here is Rudy.

- Rudy, how's it goin'?



Watch out for this guy.

He's done time for car theft.



My kind of guy.



You could be a bad influence

on the other children. Watch it.



We'll see you guys at dinner.

Watch out for the ear, Rudy!



- See you later, Spaz.

- Bye-bye.



Hi, guys. I'm Spaz.

I'm your CIT this week.



I want to introduce you

to a new guy...



Hey, bozo, this is my bunk,

so shove off.



Settle down! Come on, guys.

Settle down.



Let's see. Everything's put away.

That's good.



Everybody has a bunk.

That's good.



Everybody's settled in.

That's good.



Everybody's been deloused

and fingerprinted. That's good.



Phil, look. It's the first day of camp,

and we're bored already.



What are we gonna do?



Relax, Peter. Relax.



Okay, guys, after lunch

we got a big game with Cabin B-  .



And I really want to win it, okay?

So what do you say?



- We're gonna kill 'em!

- What?



I can't hear you.



Attention, all campers.

Afternoon swim schedule is as follows:



Advanced Dolphins, report to the dock

for survival swimming and IQ testing.



All Senior Silverfish,

meet on the beach for nude sunbathing.



Junior Salmon, Trout and Herring,

report to the nearest delicatessen.



Six-year-old Tadpoles,

report to the swamp.



And all Lobsters, get outta here!

You're a menace!



- David says it's very important...

- Hi, girls.



I'm really looking forward

to working with all of you this summer.



I just hope there's enough of me

to go around.



Lance, please! We're eating!



Aw, crap!



Do I have to stack the dishes again?



I don't have the energy.

I'm weak from hunger.



Less flap, more stack.



Gossip! Gossip! We want gossip!



We have a gossip update.

This is the news.



It seems as though last summer's

hottest couple have split.



I can't tell you their names,

but her initials are A. L...



and he's the hottest CIT on wheels.



We all know they spent

most of last summer in the bushes.



The question is:

Will true love bloom again?



And speaking of CIT's,

there's a certain girl named Wendy...



who's giving

all the guys wet dreams.



Okay, Jody.

Thank you very much.



Everybody, when you've finished, all the

cabins can go to their other activities.



- I'll see you in a bit.

- Guys, let's play ball.



All right!



Let's move. We gotta get back

to the cabin for a rest period.



If I wanted to rest,

I would've stayed in Cleveland.



You and Trip are playing defense.



- We're defense, buddy!

- Guys, let's go. We can win this game!



Hardware, you're doomed.



Louder, louder



Come on! Come on, people!



Let's kill 'em!



Rudy, get it back the other way!



Do we have to have this guy

on our team?



- He's totally useless.

- He sucks!



I know. Come on.

Let's regroup.



Can I have some fries, please?



Gerner! How's it going?



This is the best damn food

in the whole Two Pines area.



Not surprised you found this place.



I had you pegged for a gourmet

first time I met you.



You know, that's a smart move,

bringing a suitcase.



You don't want to be leaving valuable

socks and underwear around camp...



where people can rustle around in 'em

when you're out on the town.



Thank you.



You like ketchup?



I'm going away.



You goin' to Vegas?



If you're going to Vegas, I would be

up for it because I love that town.



I'm a party guy.

I love that town.



I don't think they want me around.



You talkin' about

the soccer heads back there?



Well, that's life

in the fast-paced...



slam-bang, live-on-the-razor's-edge,




world of junior league soccer.



I never played the game before.

I tried to tell 'em.



What? You tried to tell...



And they...



Who was it?



I'll get 'em.

I'll get 'em with this Swiss Army knife.



The Swiss trained me to kill,

and I will do it.



I will grab these guys by the neck,

take the toothpick...



and stick it

right in between their teeth.



Then I'll slap them around the head

a couple of times.



They'll go out for a couple of seconds.

I'll go for the corkscrew.



I'll grab 'em

and take that corkscrew...



and I will stick it

right into their voice box.



I will twist that mofo.



I will twist it into his voice box

and rip it out.



He'll talk like this

for the rest of his life.



I don't want to hurt anyone.

I just want them to like me.






You make one good friend a summer...



and you're doing pretty well.



Look, if you have trouble, come to me,

tell me, and I'll help you.



What is that?



Is that yes or no?

Yes is like this...



and no is just twisting,

twisting, twisting, okay?



- It was yes.

- This one? Definitely.



- Yes, one of those.

- It wasn't a side-to-side one?



You can hurt your neck doing that.



Have you got wheels,

'cause I need a lift back to camp?



My folks won't let me drive

'cause they caught me drinkin'.



They don't let me out of the house

anymore 'cause I'm a jerk.



They're gonna send me

to military school.



You forgot something.



Thanks for the fries.






- Christ, Hardware.

- What're you doing?



Why don't you warn me when you're

gonna play with your dynamite?



What are you doing, Hardware?



I'm hooking up this heavy duty outlet

for our new air conditioner.



An air conditioner?

That's great!



- Where is it?

- Morty's office.



He loves the heat.



An air conditioner

just doesn't get up and walk away.



Any idea where it might be, Tripper?



I have no idea.



Maybe it was stolen, Morty.



Of course it was stolen...



but I'm gonna find it.



Will you two go over

the schedules, please?






Monday, Wednesday and Friday,

 :   to  :   p. M:



Junior boys and junior girls.



Tuesday and Thursday,

 :   to  :   p. M:



Junior boys.



Thursday and Friday,

 :   to  :  ...



- Roxanne.

- What?



I have to tell you this as a friend.



I can see right down your blouse.



I can see everything too.



Tripper, is there something

seriously wrong with you?



Roxanne, I have what doctors call

"very active glands."



You're the only person I've told.

My folks don't even know.



Maybe you can have surgery

without them knowing.



The heck with surgery!

Let's wrestle.



I know, let's not, okay, Tripper?



The Atomic Skull Crusher!



Let's not do this, okay?

Let's just stop right now.



- Shark-infested waters!

- Don't do that one!



Let's stop, okay?



I'm sorry about that blouse thing,

but somebody had to tell you.



Get off me right now,

or I start screaming.



At the count of three, I guess, huh?

One, two... Help!



Help me! Somebody!



- Help! Get off me!

- Tripper, get off.



What the hell's goin' on?



She attacked me!



- Give me a break.

- She came on to me like an animal.



Would you get a hold of yourself!



It's great! You can't even see it

from outside because of the bushes.



This is it.



Now, in five seconds...

we're talkin' five...



we are gonna have

the coolest cabin in camp.



All right!



- Yes!

- Thank you, Mickey.



All right. Let's do it.



- Are you ready? Are you ready?

- I'm ready.



All right.

Five, four, three...



two, one.



Do it!



- Hardware?

- Yeah, Crockett?



You're a dick.



Okay, pit stop.



Change the tires.



Not bad.



You got pretty good form.

It's real good.






Yeah. You know,

it's your first time out.



It's okay.



You want to get into shape, though, you

gotta come out every morning with me.



I'll make you into an animal.



Top physical condition,

you gotta pay the price.



Attention, campers.



Remember, this is killer bee season

in the north woods.



So don't provoke

any flying yellow things.



You're just asking for trouble.



I told Candace I was gonna christen

my boat "The Candace"...



and she just about had

a heart attack.



I don't think she knew

how much in love we really were.



- Crockett, can you help me a sec?

- Sure, Candace.



Hurry up. Come on.



What are you doin'?



This is the first time

I've ever kidnapped a guy!



- No kidding?

- You'll be released unharmed!



I just want you long enough to tell you

that I'm really attracted to you.



- Yeah?

- Yeah!



I think I'm special too.



You're the only one in this camp

I really want to spend time with.




Well, what about Lance Cashman?



- Lance?

- Yeah, Lance!



Lance Cashman is a total jerk-off!



All right!



She likes me! She likes me!






I don't jerk off.



- I don't know how to do this.

- Just throw it up and hit it.



I'm sorry.



- Why don't we serve?

- Yeah.



Did you see the way she handed you

the racket? She wants it.



You guys ready?

Here it comes.



I got it. It's mine!



Get it! Get it!

Come on! Lob it!



I got it! I got it!



I thought you said

you had it, meatball!



Why don't you serve, then?






I got it! I got it!



Attention. Here's an update

on tonight's dinner.



It was veal.

I repeat, veal.



The winner of tonight's mystery meat

contest is Jeffrey Corbin...



who guessed "some kind of beef."



Congratulations, Jeffrey. You just won

a brand-new Chrysler Cordoba.



You can pick it up at Morty's office.



You bet.






I'll see that five.



Want a card?



I'll take one. Eight.






Eighteen. I'll stick.






You shark!



Playing some sort of system,

aren't you?



Been watchin' the cards,

marking the cards.






From the diaphragm. See?






From the diaphragm.



That's not from the diaphragm.



Ante up.



- What do you do in the off season?

- Go to school.






What are you,

some sort of madman?



Is that what they teach you

in that school of yours? Twenty?



I'll see your   .



I hope you walk outta here

with nothin'.



I think I like history the most.



It's fun to imagine that I'm in

some other time, in a different place.



Shut up and look at your cards.












I've had it. That's it.



Card monster. Get out!



I think you're pretty tired.

I think you ought to go home and sleep.



This was great.



You're the guy walkin' home

with all the peanuts.



If I were walking home with the peanuts,

it'd be incredible, sensational!



Are you going to bed?



No. I've called an organizational

meeting of the CIT's for a little later.



No midgets allowed. Sorry.



Enough of this playing for peanuts.



Tomorrow night we play

for real stakes... zucchini.



Children starving in India,

and you're walking...



around with a whole sombrero

full of peanuts.



I hope you sleep well.



Good night, Tripper.



Attention, all campers.



It's now  :  .



And that's lights-out time...



 :   as you know.



Tomorrow is parents day...



and you must look rested,

or Morty will be sent...



to the state penitentiary.



- What are you doin'?

- Cut the light!



- Come on. What, is it breakfast?

- Hardware.



Get up! Up! Up!



Who's the puppy?






All right, gentlemen.

Big event.



Operation Late Night Excitement.



Another panty raid, Trip?



No questions, dogface!



Dress up and move out!



All right. Now.



Don't wake him. Tie him gently.

He needs his sleep.



Honor guard.



Prepare to raise the casket.



It won't fit, Trip.



Spin him.



All right.



Company, rotate.



Right face.



Morning, Mr. Melnick!



Hey, Mickey!



Lots of room.

Looks fine, Dad.



Looks good, Dad. Come on.



Looks fine, Dad.



Sorry, Dad.



You don't have to run with me today.

I know you got things to do.



I'd rather run.

Takes my mind off sex.



Is your dad coming up today?



He can't.



Mine can't, either.



He's gotta mow the lawn.



Mind hanging out with me today?






If you let me



I could be your good friend



I know that if you let me



We could walk together



We're not so different, you know



Though we may have different dreams



- Say, got any kids in your family?

- No.



Did you ever do any time, prison?



- You know how to hot-wire a car?

- Not yet.



You'll learn in class.



Did you read in the paper today

about the Polish terrorist?



Tragedy. They sent this guy

to blow up a car...



and the guy burns his mouth

on a tailpipe.



That's an old one.

You'll get that a lot up here.



Rattlesnake! Look out!



Shh! Quiet. Quiet. Shh!



"...her head from side to side

against the dank jungle floor..."



Hey, relax.



"In the distance the ocean undulated

with increasing fervor."



- I can hear them.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!



This book is really disgusting.



Well, it sounds great to me.



I don't believe it.



"She could no longer

contain the plea."



Oh, my God!



Oh, you little hunk of honey bunch!



Take me!



Make me a woman.



"She realized she was uttering sounds

from deep within herself...



noises unlike any

she had ever made before."



Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!



"...the hungry personification

of passion and pain.



Closer and closer...



the stranger came

towards the entangled pair."



- What?

- Take me now!



- I said I'm getting a boner!

- Will you shush!



Wait a minute.

I think I hear something.



I'll check it out.






They can hear us.



I don't hear anything.



- I'm gettin' outta here.

- I bet they heard us. Get out of here.



Go on. Get out.



Spaz, I'm stuck.

I'm having trouble.



Come on. Spaz, help me.



I'm having trouble!



Spaz, what are you doing?



Spaz, you're rippin' my face off!



Let me outta here.



What are you doing?



What, are you a homo or what?



Attention. Bus for the Camp Mohawk

basketball game leaving in    minutes.



And there is a very fat pair of pants

hanging on the flagpole this morning.



See you at Camp Mohawk, Morty!



Okay, guys!

One, two, three!



Camp Mohawk!



Death, injury, blood and pain!



Mohawk, Mohawk, win again!



Look out, Mohawks!

North Star's comin' through!



I don't know, Trip. Those Mohawks

look better than last year.



Guys, it's important for us

to hustle at both ends of the court.



We gotta make the offense work.



We gotta play that big, tough "D."

We gotta contain their big men inside.



We gotta crash the boards at offense.

We can't give them the baseline.



But more important than the score

of this game...



is to score at the big social

at our place tonight.



So I want you to go out there

and protect your balls at any cost.



All right!



- Bruce Lee, patron of self-defense...

- Pray for us!



- Hey! Let's go!

- All right!



- Let's go!

- Go get 'em, guys. Thank you.



Come on, Spaz. Let's go, Spaz.

Sink it, babe.



- Sorry, guys.

- Fink, over here.



This is how it's done.



Looks good.

Hardware, it looks good.



All right!



- Try it again.

- Another one.



You know, our guys

don't look so good.



They're not.



Go, North Star, go!



Hurt 'em again!

Hurt 'em again!



Hey, Wheels, you're goin' home

in an ambulance.



- Nice shirt, Crockett.

- Thanks.



- All right, guys.

- Mook.



Let's go. Let's play some basketball.

Here we go.



Hey, nice-goin', Mohawks.







- Am I all right?

- Great try.



I think we're in big trouble.



That Crockett's really cute.



Yeah, but he can't play basketball

worth a shit.



There are five guys.

They play offense and defense...



but they play

at different ends of the court.



They switch sides at halftime.









- You all right?

- Yeah.



- Help him, Spaz. Come on.

- Easy, easy. Come on.



Now you know why

they call that guy Rhino.



- His nose is bleeding.

- It's gonna get even bigger now.






- Hardware, you okay?

- Yeah.



Hardware Renzetti, girls.

It's just a nosebleed.



Looks like he's gonna be

at the social tonight.



It really doesn't look any worse.




- Really?

- Go out there and kill 'em.



Hey, Larry, you scored!



Way to go! Okay, you guys, feed Fink.

He's our hot man.



Here, fella!



All right! Yeah!



Come on. Let's go.

Let's kill 'em.



- Come on, guys! That's it.

- Oh, sure.



Do it again, Larry!



We can beat 'em anyway!



It's all right, it's okay!

We can beat 'em anyway!



Okay, the zone's not working.



They're a little bit too good

to cover man-to-man...



and we can't shoot for shit.



What kind of talk's that

for a coach?



I'm not gonna lie. There's no way

we're gonna beat this team.



What are we gonna do, Trip?



- We're gonna lose.

- What?



But we can lose with some self-respect.

Here's the idea.



Yea, fellas!



Nice team spirit.



I'll talk to you after the game.



- Late as usual.

- Where were you, young man?



Okay, guys, a little teamwork now.



Spaz, get in the bus!

Hurry up!



This is the proudest moment

in North Star history!



Forget it, Spaz.



They all want me.



Candace is sure lookin' good tonight.



So he offered me     bucks

to run the sailing program.



I said, forget it. Two hundred bucks

doesn't even buy me a pair of shoes.



I'm the best...



Now the serious partying can begin.



Okay, virgins on the right...



nonvirgins on the left.



You fellas can divide 'em up

any way you like.



I got the virgins this time.

You had 'em last time.



You got 'em, but I get 'em next time.

There's two right there.



Groovy tunes, huh?



Hi, Jackie. Hi, Wendy.



There's Jackie.

Why don't you ask her to dance?



Nah. That Wendy's driving me wild.



Yeah, but Jackie wants it.



I have to talk with Roxanne

about a highly personal matter.



- Will you excuse us for a second?

- Well, I was...



Is that a bra you're wearing, or are

you expecting an assassination attempt?



Are those Clorets in your pocket,

or are you just glad to see me?



Okay, we're even.



Three years of this...



I don't think

I have many lines left.



Frankly, Roxanne, I'm frightened.



Don't go human on me now.



I really like to dance.



It's the music that starts my feet

tapping, and I get all happy inside.



I guess it's just something

I was born with.



Kind of a birth defect, huh?



Let's go get some air, huh?



I think not.



Well, I'm tryin'.



So keep trying.



I gotta go change the record.



You can change the record,

but don't you change.



Promise me?



I'll be waiting right here.




Rush, darling.

Rush, darling!



- You know something, Al?

- What?



This is a very serious moment.



It is?



Don't you know what tonight is?



Tonight's our third anniversary.



Three years ago tonight, we met.



Oh, that is serious.



God, I'm sorry. I forgot.



Happy anniversary.



You know, Wheels, for a jerk,

you're really a nice guy.



Well... Come on. Let's dance.



- Come on!

- No. I don't know how.



One, two, three.

Simple as that.



Come on. Let's dance.



I'll lead, you follow.



And it made me love you



And it made me

never want to go away



And it made me helpless



And it made me always want

to stay that way



Attention, campers.



Arts and crafts has been canceled

due to bad taste.



All junior girls

are now junior boys...



and Nurse DeMarco says that the raccoon

fever epidemic is officially over.



Hey, you on the water skis!



- I saw you dancing with Roxanne.

- Oh, yeah?



Well, she sort of cornered me...



and there was nothing I could do

without embarrassing her.



Do you like her?



Well, I feel sorry for her.

You know, she's got a glass eye.



I'm one of the few people who knows

exactly which eye to look at...



when they're talking to her,

so she's sort of fixated on me.



Well, I like her.



Well, you're not exactly known

for your taste.



I'll probably just use her

for the rest of the summer...



and then throw her

on the scrap heap...



with all the rest of the women

that I've destroyed.



I have to go on this overnight.



I'm taking the CIT's on an overnight

for the next couple of days.



You're going to have to do

your own training.



I want you to run two miles today

and two and a half tomorrow.



- I've never run that far.

- Neither have I, but somebody's got to.



I can't be expected to do it.

Somebody's gotta do it.



And it can't be me...



because I'm too busy.



I have responsibilities.



I'm the entertainment director

for the overnight.



Come here.



Somebody's gotta make these P.A.

Announcements for me while I'm gone...



wake-up, lights-out, public service...



otherwise I'm gonna get in trouble.



I'd appreciate it if you could

help me out and accept...



this nomination.



All you have to do

is turn on this power switch.



- Everything will be hunky-dory.

- I don't want to do the announcement...



And you can start

by telling all the CIT's...



to meet me at the boat dock




I'll see you in a couple of days.



Remember, run two miles,

then two and a half...



and then run three or four

if I don't come back.






We don't have steering problems.

We've got manpower problems.



You're going too fast.

Slow down.



- Finkle! Paddle!

- What?



- Hey, you're splashing me!

- Paddle!



- A nice, even stroke, Hardware.

- Yes, sir.



Keep us in the sun.

I want to even out my tan.



Look at that!



Got it?



You love me, baby



But I love you



And you love me



So let's just walla-walla



Six to eight hours a day

down by the mango tree



Dang it, you, dang it, you

Dang it, you said



I love you if you love me



Come on!

You know the words, Roxie!



I love me



So let's walla-walla



Down by the mango tree



But you love you

and I love me



Have you kissed many guys?



- Does family count?

- No. I mean real guys.






only one was a real creep.



How did the creep do it?



What do you mean,

how'd he do it?



Did he ask you,

or did he just do it?



He just did it.



It's a weird moon.



Moon kills, you know.



It feeds off the Earth.



A night like this...



one of us could get up in the middle

of the night, grab an ax...



and cut somebody's head off.



I remember a night like this

a few years ago.



A guy and a girl went out driving.

It was one of their first dates.



It started out kind of casual,

but they ended up deciding to go park.



Not too far from here,

as a matter of fact.



They're going at it,

listening to the radio.



All of a sudden,

a news bulletin broke in.



"Dangerous lunatic has escaped...



from the hospital for

the criminally insane at Two Pines."



Oh, come on, Trip.



They described him as a monster,

six and a half feet tall...






with one horrible

distinguishing feature...



a sharpened,

stainless steel hook...



Oh, God.



Where his right hand used to be.



That was enough for the guy.



He slammed the car into gear,

floored it, bounced off a tree...



didn't stop till they got

to the girl's house.



Got out of his side,

walked around to hers.



There, hanging in the door,

covered with blood...



was a stainless steel hook.



The strangest part is

that after all these years...



after the biggest manhunt

in Two Pines' history...



they never found the killer.



Some people say he's still

up here in the woods...



waiting for the chance

to kill again.



And I say...



I say they're right.



Hey, my dinner!



That's a bullshit story.



You guys, it's true.

I heard it before.



I heard it was on a beach.



- Yeah.

- I heard it happened in a park.



I heard it, but the guy

was missing a foot.



How could the guy

have a hook on his foot?



That was nice, Tripper.



Thank you.



Thank you very much.



I think I am lying

on some sort of animal...



like a porcupine.



Just a broken beer bottle.



I was wondering

what you were yelling about.



- Where are you going?

- I'm going swimming.



- The water's great. Come on in.

- No.



You're not supposed to swim for half

an hour after close physical contact.



- You get bad cramps.

- Come on, chicken. It's not so cold.



No. I know you're lying.



Come on.



All right.



- It's not so bad, is it?

- Worse than I ever imagined.



Come here.

It's a real cold spot.



I've heard of the buddy system,

but this is ridiculous.



You really talk too much.



I was just wondering if these

were shark-infested waters.



Shut up.



- There is a shark down there.

- My God, there is.



We'd better go back to my sleeping bag

before something goes wrong.



What happened?

Where were you?



I was with Jackie

in the woods.



In the woods?

Right where you want her.



Spaz, you old make-out master.



- How far did you get?

- We went down to Lookout Point, then...



No. How did you make out?



Well, we just kind of talked.



You had her in the woods

and you just talked?



- Well...

- You didn't do anything.



- We were...

- You didn't do anything.



I held her hand

when we walked home.



Held her hand?



Spaz, you're on your way.



- That's great.

- Yeah?



Held her hand?

In the woods?



- Yeah.

- And it was dark?






Let's celebrate.



- Here. Help yourself.

- I'll have some Cheezies.



The Cheezies?

Yeah, I'll have Cheezies too.






Oh, no.



Don't ever call me Bobby,

all right?



I mean, my grandmother

calls me Bobby...



and I hate it.



So I like it when

you call me Crockett.



All right?



- You wanna hear me say it?

- Yeah. Okay.



Let's say it was the moonlight



That drifted down from heaven



To fall upon your shoulders



And nestle in your eyes



Let's say it was the moonlight



With all its ancient powers



Much more than any mortal



Ever could devise






Land! Soil! Terra firma!



And it made me

never want to go away



And it made me helpless



And it made me

always want to stay that way



Let's say it was the moondust



That hides behind the moonlight



That fell and set us free



With its moondust melody



Lookin' good! All right!



Lmportant announcement.



Some hunters have been seen in the woods

near Piney Ridge Trail...



and the Fish and Game Commission raised

the kill limit on campers to three.



So if you're hiking today, please

wear something bright and keep low.



Good luck.



What's the matter? You're pacing

like an expectant father with the clap.



- The Olympiad's tomorrow.

- So?



- I wanna do well.

- You wanna do well?



- Bet every dime you got on Camp Mohawk.

- I don't wanna mess up again.



Let's see what you're entered in.






The potato race?



Damn it. Don't they know

you're just a kid?



Two years ago, a boy fell on a potato

and mashed himself.



Let's see what else you're in.



Egg toss? Oh, no.



Probably the most punishing

of all food-related sports.



I'm good at that one.



Sure. You got the build for it.



Ah, don't worry.

You won't screw up tomorrow.



No worse than

anybody else, anyway.



Are you gonna go and see Roxanne

after Morty's rally?



Could be.



After the way she treated me

on the overnight...



I'm afraid to be alone with her,

and I think you know what I mean.



I think you like her.



Really. Admit it.

You really do like her, don't you?



Yes, you do!

Come on, admit it.



You like her.



Ah, you like her.

You won't admit it.



Go! Go!



You pig!



Hi. I'm Morty Melnick.



Hi, Mickey!



And we at Camp North Star would like

to welcome our Camp Mohawk competitors...



Camp North Star sucks!



Quiet down.



To our annual two-day Olympiad!



So let the games begin!



You got any

last-minute advice, Trip?






Try to jump very, very high.



Hey. Thanks.



Good luck.



We're gettin' creamed.



You got it.






Hey, are you okay?



Come on!



Just let me know

when you've had enough.



You're out!

And the winner!



She's hurt. Get me a stretcher

from the infirmary.



I think her leg's broken.



Gang, come on.



Just 'cause we're losing

doesn't mean it's all over.



Cut the crap, Morty.



The Mohawks have beaten us the last

   years, they're gonna beat us again.



That's just the attitude

we don't need, Phil.



Sure, Mohawk has beaten us

   years in a row.



Sure, they're terrific athletes.

They have the best equipment available.



Hell, every team they're sending here

has their own personal masseuse.



Not masseur. Masseuse.



But it doesn't matter.



Do you know that every Mohawk competitor

has an electrocardiogram...



blood and urine tests

every    hours...



to see if there's any change

in his physical condition?



Do you know that they use the most

sophisticated training methods...



from the Soviet Union,

East and West Germany...



and the newest Olympic power,




But it doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter!



I tell you,

it just doesn't matter!



Even! Even if we win...



If we win! Ha!



Even if we play

so far over our heads...



that our noses bleed

for a week to ten days...



even if God in heaven above...



comes down and points His hand

at our side of the field...



even if every man,

woman and child...



held hands together

and prayed for us to win...



it just wouldn't matter...



because all the really

good-looking girls...



would still go out

with a guy from Mohawk...



'cause they got all the money!



It just doesn't matter

if we win or we lose!



Starters, take your mark.



Okay, we got two outs,

it's the bottom of the ninth.



Carla is our winning run.

What do you think we oughta do?



I don't wanna put any more pressure

on you than is absolutely necessary...



but there is a scout here today from

the New York Yankees organization...



and if my ball club could win,

I would get a chance...



to coach at

the professional level.



Seriously, Jody.

See that girl with the big boobs?



Hit the ball to her.

She can't catch.



- No sweat.

- All right, let's go.






Come on, Wheels!






My God, your pits stink!



Watch it!












How could they do this to me?

I can't stack. I can't even walk.



Come off it. You can so.

I've seen you walk.



Anyway, you can do anything you want to

if you want to bad enough.



Besides, I know you can.



Come on.



Spaz. Spaz.



Stackers, get ready.



Get set.



You did it! I told you!



That's right, Fink.

Look at those steaming weenies.



And you know what

they're saying, Larry?



They're saying, "This is the year

that Fink beats The Stomach."



No, it's a couple of guys over here,

but they're saying it.



No! Save it.



Save it for this guy.



Hi, Stomach.



What? No mustard?



Hands up. You guys know the rules.

You got five minutes.



Half-eaten weenies don't count.

May the best man win. Ready?






You gotta want it, Fink!



Come on!

Give a hundred percent!



You gotta want it, Larry.

You gotta want it.



This is your year.

You gotta want it, Larry.



Every day I'm eating

more and more hot dogs.



Come on.

Pace, baby. Left.



Swallow. Right.




Larry, you gotta want it.



The Stomach's worried.

He doesn't want it bad enough.



Come on, Fink!



This is weenie war! Eat!



Stretch that stomach, Fink!



Come on!

Eat, Fink, eat!



Please eat.



Please, Fink.



Larry! Eat, Fink!



The winner!



Way to go, Fink.



You beat The Stomach, Larry.



We're close and we could win

this thing, so let's get serious.



There's only one event left:

A four-mile marathon worth    points.



Unfortunately our best distance runner,

Jackie, broke her ankle.



You jerk.



So we need a distance man.



- Any ideas?

- You, buddy.



Don't look at me.

I'd be pukin' after the first mile.



- Somebody's gotta do it.

- Finkelstein's your man, sir.



Larry Finkelstein.



- Here's your man.

- No, Tripper.






Right here. Rudy Gerner.



- Please don't.

- He's the best we got.



Get serious.



No offense, but that kid

can't even catch a football.



For your information, Phillip...



Rudy is a three-time Junior State

long distance medal award winner.



- Bullshit.

- And...



he won a presidential citation

from his Committee on Physical Fitness.



He's lyin' to me.



I can't do it, Tripper.



You can. Believe me.



Morty, give him a chance.

No one else wants to.



Come on, Morty!

Make up your mind.



Come on, Morty.

For once make a decision.



All right.

Gerner runs the marathon.



What do you think

our chances are?



I hope I don't

let you down, Tripper.



You won't.



Let's go get laid

before the race, huh?



- How's the leg?

- It's okay.



For now. But if you don't win,

we cut it off. Okay, here's the thing.



On open ground this guy could take you,

but you're runnin' through the woods.



You got a chance. You're smaller

and you can run through bushes faster.



You're like a little rabbit.

You're Rudy the Wabbit, okay?



When you're running, think,

"I'm Rudy the Wabbit."



Stay right behind him

until you get to the woods.



When you get to the woods, pass him.

Don't even look in the rearview mirror.



Be ahead of him when you get to the edge

of the woods, 'cause when you get out...



there's open ground,

and that's where you'll have trouble.



You gotta have a hell of a lead

when you get outta the woods.



- All right, what's your name?

- Rudy Gerner.



No. It's Rudy the Wabbit.

What's your name?



- Rudy the Rabbit.

- You're the winner.



Let's hear it for him.






Take your marks!



Get set!



Wun, you wascal wabbit!



He's sprinting!



Bye, Rudy.

You did real good.



- Thanks.

- You comin' back next year?



- Yeah, for sure.

- Stay in shape.



Get on a weight program.



Stop hangin' around with those friends

of yours. They're a bad influence.



Thanks, Tripper, for everything.



Good-bye, champ.



Go to bed!



Hey, look! There's Gerner!



You wanna go to

the final campfire?



All right.



If I have to.



Hi, Trip.



I just wanna say thank you.



You've all been a really

terrific bunch of CIT's...



and we've all had

a terrific summer.



Except for a few minor incidents

I don't wanna go into right now.



But through it all we share things

and we become closer...



and that even makes

it harder to say good-bye.



But I hope you've learned

a lot of things. I know I have.



I just wanna say...



I hope to see you all

again next summer.



Can I have some applause

for this man, please? Come on!



Way to go, Mickey!



Can you get this?



I'm very close.

Are you close?



I can't hold it!

I can't hold it any longer!



Stick your finger in my ear!




Save a little for us.



Morty. No hard feelings?



We are the CIT's



So pity us



The kids are brats

The food is hideous



We're gonna smoke and drink



And fool around



We're nookie bound



We're North Star CIT's



Here we go!



Here we go, you guys!

Let's go!



- There we are.

- Everybody there?



- Where will I stay?

- My place. Where do you think?



- Is it big enough?

- It's got a double bed.



Haven't you ever

lived with anyone before?



No. Have you?



Pets, you know.

A dog, a fish.



No, I haven't.



I've never asked anyone before.



Come on, let's go

say good-bye to Morty.



Bye, Morty.



Have a nice winter.



My father's buying a camp next year.

You wanna go up?



No, I don't think so.



I kind of like it here.














Special help by SergeiK