Meet The Fockers Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Meet The Fockers script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Robert De Niro, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Teri Polo, yadda yadda.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Meet The Fockers. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Meet The Fockers Script



You must do something!

Baby is coming!



Yeah. I know baby is coming!



Miss, you've to stay calm

and take deep breaths, okay?



Myra, I need a doctor here

right now.



I am working on it.



You're not a doctor?



No, I am a nurse.



You are man

and you are nurse?



What kind of man is nurse?



Look, folks,

I'm a professional, okay?



I know exactly what I'm doing,

so just trust me,



everything's going to be fine,

all right?







Yeah. You're fully dilated.



Hey, I need that doctor

right now.



There are no free doctors.



Nurse, you're gonna have

to deliver that baby yourself.



I can see the head!



Holy shit!



Check it out.



We did it.



We had a boy.



A boy. You are my hero.






I name baby for you.



Oh! You don't have to do that.



Yeah. I must.

It is Latvian tradition.



We'll name the baby...



Hello, you've reached the Fockers.



We're not around, so leave

us a message. Goodbye.



Roz, how the hell

do you shut this thing off?



I have no idea.

Just press a button.



I'm pretty sure it's off.




you want a chimichanga?



I thought they gave you gas.



A little bit,

but it's worth it.



Worth it for you, but I'm

the one that gets the fumes.



Honey, I'm in the mood

for a chimichanga.



So make a--



Hi, guys, it's me.



Dad, I told you

six months ago



you have to change

that message.



Anyway, I'm just calling

to double check



'cause I didn't hear

back from you.



You know that Pam and I are

flying out to Oyster Bay today.



And, then, we're flying to

Miami tomorrow with the Byrneses.



And our flight gets in  :  



so we should be

at the house around  :  .



So just give me a call

back on my cell, okay?



'Cause I want to go over

a few things



about Pam's dad and just, uh,



just some other stuff

for the weekend.



All right. I Love you, bye.




Hey, sweetie.

How was your shift?



Oh! Guess what?




I delivered my first baby.



No way.



Mmm. Yeah.



Oh, honey,

I'm so proud of you.



It was incredible.

I mean, just--



Just to be pulling

this Life force



out of this woman's...



You know, I mean,

it was just so-- It was...



The whole baby thing is--

It's so cool.



That's great, honey.

That's great.



So, uh, are you ready to go? I

want to get to the airport early.



I know.

Just give me a second.



You know how things

always goes wrong.



The flight leaves

in four hours.



I wish we could set

a wedding date



without our parents

actually having to meet.



Honey, this weekend

is gonna be fine.



And your parents are great.



Oh, they're great

in small doses.



Well,    hours in Coconut

Grove is a small dose.



Besides, you've already

won over my dad,



and that is the hard part.



Mmm. That is true.



I mean, I am still in the Byrnes

family circle of trust, right?



You're firmly in the circle.






Oh, taxi!



Going to the airport?






Take mine.






Nice guy.




You two, you're up.



Oh, dear.






Well, they overbooked coach.



So what does that mean?



Do we miss our flight or...



Well, we are gonna have to

upgrade you to first class.






Thank you.



Oh! Sir, why don't you

let me take that for you?



Okay, yeah.



So, uh, you wanna check it

or put it on another flight



'cause that's cool,

whatever you want to do.



I'm just gonna store it

in the Captain's closet.



That was nice.









Thank you.



Champagne, sir?



Thank you.






Would you like to purchase

rental insurance, Mr. Focker?






No. Thanks.






It's a scam.



That's how they

make all their money.



That's true.

You don't need it.



Get out of here.



The House of Byrnes.



Lot of good memories here.



Mom? Dad?



I am watching you.



Well, almost,



but you have to do it

with two fingers.



One on each eye like this:



I am watching you.



We'll get back to that later.



Guess who's here?



It's Prof. Einstein.



Hi, Little Jack.



You're a genius.



I see a Nobel Prize

in your future.



Yes, I do.



Study break, boys.

Company's here.









Shortstack, shortstack coming up!



Put some syrup

in the cup.



Pa, pa, pa, pa,

pa, pa, pa.



That's how it goes, right?



That's okay, Greg.



Nice to see you.




Nice to see you, Grandpa.



My God.

How did my nephew get so big?



Look at you.



You look just

like your mommy.



He does, doesn't he?



Hey. Hey. This is Greg.




we talked about him?






Sorry, Greg.



The card only

comes in one gender.



Oh! Yeah.

Now, that's-- that's all right.



He's taking you in.



He has a very keen sense

for people, Greg.






He's a chip

off the old block, huh?



We might have another CIA man

on our hands here.



I'd be discreet about my

profession, Greg, if I were you.



You know what I mean?



As far as your parents are

concerned, I'm still a horticulturist.



Hey, why is Little Jack here?



Are Deb and Bob house-sitting,

while we're in Florida?



No, they're in Ko Saimii,




Checking on the clinic they

opened during their honeymoon.



What is all this stuff, anyway?



After Denny was

sent away to military school,



your father turned this

into a learning laboratory



for you-know-who over there.



And do you talk yet,

Mr. Munchkinhead?



Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize

him. Talk to him like an adult.









Muskrat, Jack.

All right.



Just try to understand

he's a little person.



His communication skills

aren't verbal yet,



but he understands.




L.J., are you hungry?



Oh, wow.



Look at that.



''I would like to

eat more please.''



''I'd like a nap,



and then later

I'll enjoy a nice poop.''



Oh, yeah. I've heard about

this, this baby signing stuff.



This is like cutting edge.

Like... Yeah.



Well, at this age, Greg,

his mind is like a sponge.



Look, when he reaches

your age, for example,



his mind will be

far less capable



of absorbing

useful information.



So cute.

Hey, can I hold him?



Oh, I-- I don't think

that's such a good idea, Greg.









All right, all right.



This is Greg.



Greg will not drop you,





Be careful.



Hello. Oh! Hello.






I think he likes me.









Oh, shit!



Focker. He's absorbing

you like a sponge.



I don't want the first word

out of his mouth



to be a profanity.



It's okay. It's okay.



Cover your nose.

You're terrifying him.






It's cool that your dad is

so into being a grandparent.



Yeah, I guess so.

It kinda freaks my mom out.



She says he spends every

last second with that kid.



Oh, my God.









Daddy, what is this thing?



It's a custom-designed,




motor coach.



Jack calls it the

Highlight of our Twilight.



Wow. This is incredible.



Isn't it?






Ooh! Like a tank.



Well, in these

uncertain times, Greg,



I opted for

a Kevlar-reinforced hull



with two-inch thick

plexiglas windows,



just like

the ones they design on



the Russian Widowmaker




I want you to conduct

a field test for us, Greg.



I want you to demonstrate



the impregnable outer skin

of the coach.



Throw it at the window.






Jack, I'm not gonna--



I'm not gonna throw a brick

at your window.



It's a simple demonstration.



No, I'd-- I'd really

rather not. Throw the brick.










All your might.



All right.



Don't worry, your rental

insurance should take care of it.



You all right? What happened?



Come on,



we'll call a tow truck

from the road.







We're driving this to Miami.



I thought we were-- I thought

we were, we're flying tomorrow.



No, No. Airline travel

being what it is these days,



so unreliable,



I'll feel

much more comfortable



knowing I have my own

Posturepedic bed,



my own thermostat,

my own lavatory facility.



Uh-huh. So-- so we're all

going to be in this together?



We hit the road

in exactly seven minutes,






This way we'll get in early,



spend an extra half day

with your parents,



getting to know them.



Isn't that great?



That is great.



Worth it for you but I'm

the one that gets the fumes.



Honey, I'm in

the mood for a chimichanga.



So make a--



Hey, guys, uh, it's me.



Listen, I'm getting a little worried.

I haven't heard back from you.



Hope you got the message. There's

been a little change of plans.



We're gonna be, uh,

coming down in Jack's RV now,



so we'll be arriving

tomorrow afternoon,



not tomorrow night.



Okay? Tomorrow afternoon.



And, also, uh,



they're bringing

their little grandson,



so, uh, he's like a baby.



So... I don't know.



Oh, welcome aboard,

me hearties.



Hey, this is incredible.



Yes, it's as big

as our apartment.



Pretty neat, huh?






Mr. Jinx finally learned

how to flush the toilet, huh?



Yeah. Jack installed

a special flusher,



and he learnt how to do that

in about two days.



Right, Jack?



Hey there, Jinxy.

How you doing?



Ready to hit the road,




Wow! I'm the Co-Captain?



Let's set sail, sailor.



Good afternoon,

ladies and gentlemen.



This is

Captain Jack Byrnes speaking.



Yeah, Daddy!



A quick announcement.



As a courtesy

to your fellow passengers,



please remember

that the onboard lavatory



should be used

for number one only.



Should the need

for number two arise,



we'll stop at the nearest

rest stop, gas station,



or heavily wooded area.



Thank you. Welcome aboard.



I like that thing.

Hey, do you mind if I, uh,



make a little announcement?






Only the captain gets

to make an announcement.



You want to honk the horn?



Um... Sure.



Only the captain gets

to honk the horn.



Oh, look!



Hey, Jinxy, see that?



You hungry? Do you want some milk?



Hey! Jack?



Oh, she wants

you to honk the horn.



Not interested.



Rules of the road.

She honks, you honk.



Come on, Jack.

Come on. Give her a honk.



There you go.



It's like a team or something.



''Honk if your are horny.''



Thanks for that, Greg.



...for you but I'm

the one that gets the fumes.



Honey, I'm in

the mood for a chimichanga.



So make a--



Hey, there.



No hard feelings, all right?



Friends? What's that?



What're you saying?



Now, wait a minute.

What does this mean?



I know what this means.



Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.

Oh, poop!



You got to poop, right?

Okay, good.



Thank you for warning me.



Everybody poops.

Sometimes it hurts.



It's okay.

Just let it come out.



What did you do, Focker?



Nothing. He...

I think he has to poop.



That's not the sign for poop.



That's the sign for milk.



This is the sign for poop.



Oh! What's the sign

for sour milk?



'Cause, uh

this tastes a little funky.



That's because it's from

Debbie's left breast, Greg.




she pumped for a week



to give us

enough for the trip.




snack pack for Little Jack.



What are you doing there?



Well, during

the breastfeeding stage, Greg,



infants can get

very confused and upset



when they're separated

from their mothers.



So I invented something



to ease L. J.'s anxiety

during chow time.



I call it the Mannary Gland.



I had it made

from an exact cast



of Debbie's left bosom.



Oh, yeah. Okay.



It's been so effective,



I'm thinking of

getting it patented.



Would you like to touch it?



Uh, I wouldn't.



Oh, come on,

feel how soft it is.



I can-- I can see

how soft it is from here.



No, feel it, Greg.



It's very--

It looks very--



Just feel the breast, Greg.



Just a...



Oh, watch the nipple.

Just around here.



Nipple is his.



Oh, yeah. Yeah.



It's got a great, lifelike,

and a...



Or what I would imagine



Debbie's breast might-- might

actually feel like.



Not that I would know.









Honey, you promised



you wouldn't take the boob out

in front of company.



It's nothing

to be ashamed of.



Breast-feeding is

perfectly natural.



Dad, that's not natural,

that's just weird.



As soon as

Little Jack's topped off,



we're gonna hit the road.






Oh, Jack,



you can't drive

any more tonight.



Dr. Monroe said

no aggravating your sciatica.



Honey, we're on a very

precise schedule.



We bunk here tonight,



we hit horrendous traffic

in the morning.









Maybe you could drive

the night shift.



I could do that.



I am the Co-Captain.

So, I think that falls



under my responsibilities, right? Yeah.



Keep her at    stay alert.



Yeah, yeah. I've been wanting to

get behind the wheel of this big boy.



You got it. Pass.



Sorry, got to go   .



Captain Jack's orders.









Would you like

some company, Greg?



Uh, yeah, sure.



If you can't sleep.

Go on. Have a seat.



How about a cappuccino?



Oh, you don't have to do that.



It's no problem for me.



Really? Yeah? Okay.






Wake up and make

Greg a cappuccino!



Shake a leg, woman!



Jesus, Jack,

you know, I'm not that tired.






Relax, Greg. This cockpit's

completely soundproofed.



You should've seen the look

on your face.



Okay, okay.



You got me. That was--

That was a good one.



Yes, it was. Yes.






It's funny.



But you should never talk

to a woman like that,



you know that, Greg.



It's disrespectful.



Right, of course. Yeah.



Greg, a man reaches

a certain age



when he realizes

what's truly important.






You know what that is?









Enjoying the moment.



Living. Just love.



His legacy.



That, too. Right. Yeah. Sure.



Now, my grandson, Little Jack,

is part of that legacy.



In six months, you and Pam

are gonna be married.



Sometime after that,



you'll want to start

a family of your own.



Yeah. Right.

Actually, on the subject,



I had some thoughts

about the wedding date.



We'll discuss that later,

after this weekend, Greg.



Now, let's get back on point.



Let me put it very simply.



If your family circle



does indeed join

my family circle,



they'll form a chain.



I can't have a chink

in my chain.






Yeah. Okay.

I get the metaphor.




I've never met your parents,



so I'm not going to jump

to any hasty conclusions.



But, like studying

a frozen caveman,



if I can see

where you came from,



I'll have a much better idea

of where you're going.






A- are you thinking

maybe my parents might be



like-- like a chink

in the chain or...



A doctor and a lawyer,

what's there to worry about?






Ooh, it seems very nice.



Is that your father?



That is my father.



Hey! There you are.



What the heck is

that contraption?



I thought you guys

were flying in tonight.



I left a message yesterday

We were driving--



Oh, I didn't get a message.



I left you like five messages.



Will you get over here

and plant one on me.



Talking about messages.



I've been waiting so long

to see you. My best buddy.



Good to see you.



Come here. Come here.

Oh, I missed you.



Is this not

the most handsome young man



you've ever seen

in your life?



I used to call him

a young Jewish Marlon Brando.






Can you believe



I conceived him

with one testicle?



No, really. It's true.



I only have one because

the other never dropped.



It's called

an undescending testicle.



It's not uncommon,

but look at him.



Imagine what he would have

looked like if I had two.



That's a good icebreaker.







There's the sexiest

second grade teacher



I've ever seen in my life.



That was a good one.



It gets her every time.



Goose bumps. She loves it.



I'm Dina Byrnes.

It's so nice to meet you.



The pleasure is all mine,

mon cheri.



You got to be the flower man.



That's right.

Jack Byrnes, Pam's father.



And I'm Bernard Focker,

Gaylord's father,



and we're all grownups here

and we shake hands like men.



All right.



Oh, we're just playing here.



Give me some love.



We're family now.



What're you so shy about?

Come here.



Oh, wow. Look at those pecs.



Wow! You're harder

than sheetrock.



Now tell me the truth.



You work out

with weights, right?



Well, I do

various callisthenics.



Some medicine-ball training,

I play bimonthly football.



Oh, footie-footie football?



I was just, uh,

practicing my Capoeira. What?



Oh, Capoeira. Yeah.



The Brazilian martial art

of dance fighting. Yes.



He knows what that is. Yeah.



You know,

I've been doing it for weeks.



I'm really into it.



It keeps me level.



Because sometimes

I get wound up so tight,



I could just snap.



You know what I mean?



What is that?

What is that?



Is there a baby on board?



That's a baby. Yes, yes.



Yeah. Hmm-mmm.

It was all in the message.



Hey, Moses, go ahead,



say hello to

your future in-laws.



No, no, he's harmless.



And yeah, fixed.




That's all right.



Just shake him off.



Oh, no. Don't shake.

He likes the shaking.



Moses, get off!



No, don't worry. The pink

part didn't get on you.



Moses, go, get

in your basket. Go!



He's all talk.



Who's this little guy?



This is our grandson,

Little Jack.



Oh, little baby.



How are you,

Little Jack?



Hey, Dad, don't-- don't--

don't infantilize him.



Just talk to him

like a person.



What are you talking about?

He's a baby.



I want to talk to him

like he's a baby.



Bazooka! Bazooka!



He likes me.



When Roz's dad died, I said:



''Hey, we're freezing our

tushies off here in Detroit.''



You know, ''Let's head south



and get some year-round fun

in the sun.''



This house is

over a     years old, so--



Dad. Dad,

you continue the tour.



I'm gonna tell Mom

we're here, okay?



Oh! The upstairs bathroom

is on el fritzo.



So we're all gonna have to

share this one for now.



Since there's a water scarcity

on the island,



we kind of abide by the

''if it's yellow let it mellow,



if it's brown

flush it down'' policy.



Oops. Forgot my own rule.



The RV has paid

for itself already.



All right, kids.



Forward and backward.



Rotate those hips.



Let's get your

kundalini rising.



And now it's time

for the ladies



to get into the reverse

cowgirl position.



Guys, you have to

lie across the Liberator pad



like so.



Everyone look at

how Ira's doing it.



Bingo. Bango. Bungo.



The man is loose, he's limber

and he's ready for action.



So, climb aboard, girls,



and let me hear

your bodies talk.






Whoa! Yes!



This position is terrific



for anyone with osteoporosis,

gout or goiter.



Stay with me, kids.

We're almost done.



Ah! Honey!



Oh! All right, guys.



We have to wrap it up.




Remember to take

your Liberator pads.



And don't forget to stretch

before you try this at home.



We don't want anyone

shattering a pelvis.



Hello, my precious.



Oh, I love you so much.



I haven't seen

my bubeleh in months.



Honey, you feel thin.

No, no.



You're not eating.

What's the matter?



No. I'm fine. Mom, how do we explain

all these people to the Byrneses?



Honey, they're leaving. The

Byrneses won't know they were here.



Okay. We agreed to be discreet about

you being a sex therapist this weekend



until you got to know

Jack and Dina better. Right?



Don't worry. I'll be discreet.

I put all my toys away.



And my office is all ready

for them to sleep in.



Your office? No, no.

we're putting them upstairs.



Your father thought they'd be

more comfortable down here.



The upstairs plumbing...

You don't wanna know.



Talk to me about

something important, honey.



How are things

with you and Pam?



They're great.



Because, you know,

after two years,



you have to work

to keep things going.



Does she still

climax regularly?






You can't talk that way

this weekend, okay?



Honey, I'm just saying



I didn't raise you

to be a so-so lover.



I know.

Okay, what is he doing?




Don't-- don't worry about them.



Mom, Mom,



you got to get these people

out of here now.






Wipe that

little gloss off you.






You hunt deer, Bernard?



What? No, I hate that thing.



Roz's father gave it to us.



He was into all that

macho-wacho crap.



Oh! So is Greg.



He and I went duck-hunting

together. Didn't we, Greg? Hmm?




Me and you?




Yeah. Mmm-hmm.



What? What?



Gay, you went duck-hunting

with-- with Jack?



Um, yeah. We went, we did.



We went

on a little hunting trip.



You shot a duck?



I shot at a duck and...




You killed an

innocent creature of the sky?



I don't... Did I...

I did... I don't...



I think

I might've clipped it or...



Never really checked.



Oh, Lord.



And now,

for the piece de resistance.



Oh, my goodness.



Little somethin'

I've been workin' on.



Oh, I see. Oh.



Mom will be out in a sec.

What's that?



It's you.



It's the Wall of Gaylord.



The Wall of Gaylord?



Isn't it nice to finally display

your accomplishments, Son?



Honey, look

at all your awards.



That's great.



He's my champion.



Oh, I didn't know



they made ninth place




Oh, Jack, they got them

all the way up to   th place.



Hey! Anybody want to

get a drink by the lagoon?



This one looks impressive.



''Mazel tov, Gaylord M. Focker.

World’s Greatest Nurse.''



Very nice.



We've always tried



to instill a sense of self

in Gaylord



without being

too goal-oriented.



It's not about

winning or losing,



it's about passion.



We just want him

to love what he's doin'.



You know what I mean, Jack?



Not really, Bernard.



I think

a competitive drive



is the essential key

that makes America



the only remaining superpower

in the world today.



Well, whatever works.




All right. Don't

forget the positions.



Bye, Dr. Roz.

You're a lifesaver.



Oh, Thank you, BJ.




Ira, remember,

easy on the thrusting.



You're not    anymore.



Bing, bang, bong.



What-- What kind of work does

your mother do with those patients?



Those look like yoga mats.

Is there yoga involved?



It's yogaesque.



It's sort of, um,



a, um, a-- a-- a

couples therapy.



Kind of mind-body...



It's kind of

her own sort of--



Rozela! Sweetheart,

living room!



Hello! Hello! Hello!



How are you, baby girl?



Good, Roz.



God! Look at you,

you're glowing!



Oh, thank you.



Hi, I'm Roz Focker



you must be Jack,

and you must be Dina.






I-- I just can't believe



it's taken us

this long to meet, huh.



And who's

this little hairball?



They brought their grandson

Baby Jack along.



He's so adorable.

I could eat him up.



Bern, did you show them

where they're sleeping?



Right, right, right. Because we

don't have any air-conditioning,



I made up a nice spot for you in Roz's

office 'cause it gets the best breeze,



and it's very near

the communal commode.



Oh, well, you know, actually,

we're gonna stay in our motor home.



In the trailer?



Come on, Jack.

You're family.



We sleep under the same roof.



Actually, Mom's office

is kind of cluttered.



So, that-- that

works all right.



It's just really easier

with Little Jack.



No, no. Really.

We insist.



They wanna sleep

in the trailer,



let them sleep

in the trailer.



Mom, it's not actually--

It's not a trailer.



It's kind of like-- It's like

a-- like a hotel on wheels.



This is practically a hotel. I

was gonna do the turndown service--



I know, I know,

but it's their choice.



Wherever you feel

most comfortable is fine.



It's not right. Bern, let it go.



Let it go? Fine.



Yeah, let it go.



Look at you, sulking.



Now, look at this.

I married a teenager. Right?



At least you have the libido

of a teenager.



I gave her

a little matinee today--



Oh! Don't you dare!

Stop it!



How about a double feature?



Come on. Come on.



Lagoon? Why don't we go

show them the lagoon?



The lagoon.

Come see the lagoon.



The lagoon, Jack. Come on.



We'll get drunk,



we'll take a piss

in the lagoon.



Roz, why don't

you take them outside?



Show them around.

I'll make a drink.



Oh, God.



Hey, Dad--



It's going good

so far, right?



Dad, you gotta take down

that weird shrine thing.



But I'm very proud

of you, Gaylord.



What's wrong with showing it?



It's ridiculous.



Most people aren't proud

of sixth place ribbons.



Most people?



Since when do you care

about most people?



I don't, but Jack

is really into winning



and competition and sports.



It's a whole other thing

with him.



Hey. Hey. You're a winner

up here and in here.



And that's all that matters.



Okay. Thank you.



I don't know what that means,

but thank you.



So, to solve that problem,



I created a life-like

latex left breast



moulded from his mother's

actual left breast,



so this way L. J. would avoid

any nipple confusion.



You're avoiding confusion

by strapping a boob on a man?



Well, yes, believe it or not,



it is less confusing

because of the texture






...of the breast itself.



Uh, I guess it's very,

uh, creative.



It's very creative.



A little birdie told me

that one of our guests here



is a Tom Collins man.



Oh, for pity's sake.



Isn't that nice, Jack?



That is nice. Thank you.



All right. Wait. Don't

drink. I want to make a toast.




I had a vasectomy in     ...



'   honey.



You're right. '  .



So, unfortunately, I never had

the chance to procreate a daughter,



but had I been able to,



I really

would've wanted a girl



as sensitive

and as intelligent



and as beautiful



as this young lady

sitting right here before us.



Thank you, Bernie.



And if I might add...









I thought you had a sister?



Nope. No sister.



You said you had a sister.



You said

you milked your sister's cat.



Okay, I'm not done

yet. What I'm trying to say is,



it's taken far too long

to do this, you know,



but we're finally

all together.



That's nice, honey.



Oh, thank you.



All right, that's enough.



L'chaim, everyone.









Like you have popcorn

stuck in the throat. It's a...



Okay. To family.



To family.



Oh! I forgot.



I want to say one more

thing about my vasectomy.



Sit down.




get yourself over here.



I went overboard?



A little bit.



You're so cute,

they'll forgive you anything.



God! You're so beautiful.



You are the sexiest

woman alive I know.



Mmm. You're just trying to

get me back into bed.



Or the hammock.



This is

a delicious Tom Collins.



What I did,

I used real lemon juice.



It's from our trees here.

That's the secret.



He was squeezing

all afternoon.



Yeah. And, Jack,



I managed to make some

lemon juice, too.



Gay, you all right?



Honey, you okay?

Are you sure?



Well, I think



that Roz and Bernie seem like

very nice people.



Oh! Very nice people.



A little off-colour,

but very nice.



Oh! But isn't it

wonderful, Jack?



After all this build-up,



the kids

are finally getting married.



I feel so happy.



Wait a second.

I think he just spoke.



Little Jack,

were you about to speak?




just a little flatulence.



What were you saying, honey?



Nothing, dear.



Guys, where are you going?



We're checking out

Jack's macho-wacho trailer.




I want to see that boob.



Can I talk to you for a sec? Yeah.



Hey, listen, don't let Moses

go in there. They have a cat.



Moses is perfectly trained--



Dad, he humps

everything that moves.




he's like his father.



I never cheated on you.



They're not listening to me.



So, what's up?



They seem to be getting along

really well, don't you think?



Yeah, they do. I know. I kind of

feel bad that I worried so much.



Yeah. That was okay.



What's going on?



I'm pregnant.



You're pregnant?




I'm two weeks late.

I'm nauseous,



my boobs hurt,

and I can smell everything.



You're gonna have a baby.

Yeah. A baby.



Oh, we're gonna

have a little baby, a baby.



I'm pregnant.



I just-- I...






Oh, shit!



You realize your father

is going to kill me?



No, no, no, no, no.



He's not gonna find out because

we're not going to tell him.



No, no, no, no, no. Come on.

He's a human lie detector.



He lives to sniff out

stuff like this.



We'll get

through this weekend,



we'll get through tomorrow.



And-- and-- and we'll tell

them on Sunday before we go.



Okay? We'll tell them all.



I just hate the idea of

keeping secrets from your dad.



It's just one little secret.



Oh! Hi, neighbours.






The Fockers, honey.



A la fancy-shmancy.



Welcome to the chateau.



No wonder they don't want

to sleep in our shit box.



Look at this place.



I-- I don't think the dog

is such a good idea.



Don't worry. Moses is more

of a lover than a fighter.







He's always dreamt of me

having a white wedding.



You don't know how upset

he's gonna be.



No, I do know.



Moses! Moses!






Dad, I told you

to keep him out of the RV.



He said he

wanted to see the RV.






Moses! Moses!



Get that goddamn dog out of here!






Oh, God!






Oh! Jinx.



Jinx, don't do it.



Jinxy, no.



Don't do it!






Jesus! Moses! Hold on.



Moses, hold on.

I'm gonna save you!



The cat can flush?



Oh, my God!



Get out of the way!



Hey! What the hell are

you doing? That's my toilet!



I got to get my dog!



Forget your dog.

What about my toilet?






No! Stop the baby! Stop the baby!



He's alive!



He's fine.



So much for the protection

of our rolling safe house.



Oh, honey, he was trying

to save his pet.



I mean, what if it was Jinxy



who got flushed

into a toilet?



Mr. Jinx has had

extensive aquatic training.



He would have known exactly what

to do in the event of a submersion.



  -minute warning for dinner,




Sorry about

the trailer, Jack.






It's okay, Bernard.



There's no way we're not

telling him this weekend.



I know.

That's what I was saying.



So, what do you wanna do?



I'm not sure. I never

thought this'd be an issue.



I thought we'd be married

before we got pregnant.







Why don't we move

the wedding up to next month?






Then we'll tell your dad



you got pregnant

on the honeymoon.



Oh, my God, yeah,

that could work.



Yeah. It's perfect, right? Yeah.



Okay. Good.

Just follow my lead.







Without further ado,

my famous Focker Fondue.



Come on, dig in. Come on.

Get it while it's hot.



That is so impressive, Bernie.

Did you do that yourself?



Oh, sure.

Oh! I love to cook.



I can't even fry an egg.






I burn cornflakes.



I'm amazed

he finds the time to cook



with such a high-powered

legal career.






I wouldn't exactly call--




You kicked me.

Why did you kick me?



I kick-- kicked you

because you're being modest



and you should tell people that

you are a good lawyer, which he is,



a- a-and he has fought



some really big,

important legal battles.



Truth is, Jack, when Gay was

born, I stopped practicing



and became

a stay-at-home dad.



Oh, believe me,



he won a trial or two

in his day.




Extremely good trial lawyer.



A regular Clarence Darrow.



So Roz was

the primary breadwinner



and you didn't have a job?






Honey, come on, you could say

he had the hardest job.



Oh, he's-- he's just kidding.



Of course, I'm... Yes.



Why don't we jump into

the topic of the hour, hmm,



the big

Focker-Byrnes wedding.



Yes. Good.



I know we've been talking

about a-- a fall wedding...



Is that Isabel?



Oh, yeah. Our former

housekeeper, Isabel.



You know, she has her own catering

business now, isn't that great?



And-- and I asked her to come and help

Bernie in the kitchen this weekend.



You didn't tell me

she was here.



Gay had a monster crush on

her when he was a teenager.






I didn't have

any monster crush.



You didn't tell me

about that.



Yeah. Because it's not true.



Oh, not true? Then I didn't catch

you doing baziga to her passport photo



when you were, what,   ?



Honey, stop.



I walk in the door...



Where is he?



Oh, there's my baby!






Good to see you.



Mmm. Good to see you.



I-- I haven't

seen you in years.



I know.




Yes, you...



Wow! Yeah. Look at you.

You look...



I know.



Yeah. You look...



I had a boob job.




Yeah. Yeah.



Hey! This is, uh,

Dina and Jack Byrnes.



Mucho gusto.



Hi, Isabel.



Mucho gusto.



And this is Pam Byrnes,

my fiancée.






Nice to meet you, too.



Not yet married,

and already a little one?



And he is

a handsome little Focker.






Oh, no. He's not a Focker.



Yeah, no.

He's not mine.



And still you stayed

to raise her child?



Good for you.



No, he's Pam's nephew.



He has no connection

to Greg whatsoever.



I love you, too.



Mama! Mama!




Little Jack, no.



Those aren't for you.






I think I'll take

him inside.



Good idea.



You're a very

lucky woman, Pam.



He's very special,

this one.



I think so, too.



Oh, I could tell you

some stories about him.






Oh, she's just

being silly.



Nice to meet you all.



Nice to meet you.



So sweet. Oh! So sweet.



Hey, do you guys

want some more, uh, wine?



Mas vino por la mama, si.






Hey, you did good, Greg.



She's very pretty,

this one, huh?



Yeah, she's, uh,

she's really great.



Really great.



Can you believe

it's been    years?



So many wonderful memories

from those days.



Yes. Yes, lot of wonderful,



kind of private memories.



So, you never told

your fiancée about us, huh?



Um, no, I don't think I did.



I don't, I think, I don't

think it ever came up on my end.



Not that I didn't want her to

know. It just, never really...



Yeah, and not that, I-- I mean,

not that it wasn't great.



It was really, you know,

for me it was like...



And you were so



helpful and-- and--



Don't you worry, baby.



Your secret's safe with me.






There's no secrets.

But, good, yeah,



maybe if we keep it quiet

this weekend and then...



Because, yeah, I don't want

Pam to feel uncomfortable.



And then later, when it's the

proper, you know, setting, I can...



Okay, yeah, okay, good.

And, uh...






Oh, and fondue, fondue

is going-- is goin' over.



Gay, you're just in time

to hear me tell the gang



how you lost

your virginity to Isabel.



He was   . A late bloomer.



You s-slept with Isabel?



We were relieved.



Why-- why would you, why--

why would you bring that up?



What's the problem?



It was, what,    years ago.



Honey, your father thought



that it'd be fun

to share stories



about our first time.



Really? That sounds like fun.




That's fine.



Come on, tell us how you

popped your cherry. Come on.



I really don't feel




discussing that

with you, Bernard.



You know what? I suggest that we get

back to talking about the wedding.



Thank you, Bernie.






Mom, didn't you just take

Little Jack back to the room?



I'm monitoring him

from a high-powered



multidirectional microphone

planted in his crib.



Oh, baby monitors.

Hidden cameras.



Whatever happened to a

little thing called privacy?



Bernie, surveillance

technology has helped protect



a lot of the freedoms



that we as Americans

take advantage of today.



He's right.

It has been good.



S- son, that is bullcrap

in a chef's salad.



Jack, tell me one smart thing

the CLIA has done



and I'll give you

the deed to her house.






The Central Lack

of Intelligence Agency.



I think that baby might need

a couple of pulls



on that knocker

of yours, Jack.



No, it's okay.



We're Ferberizing him.



You're what?

The Ferber method.



You let him cry it out. This way

he doesn't depend on coddling.



On the other hand,

the Continuum Concept



shows that a baby benefits



more from constant

physical contact.






We use the Ferber Method.



We used the Focker Method.



We hugged and kissed

that little prince



like there was no tomorrow.



We Fockerized him.



That's right.



Greggy practically slept

in our bed till he was   .



Oh, my God!



Oh, I don't think

it was quite that long.



Yes, it was.



No, it wasn't   .



Nine-and-a-half, at least.



Mom, I don't think so.



I didn't sleep

in their bed all that time.



Bernie, get the photo album.



I'm one step ahead of you.



No, no, no,

we're eating dinner, come on.



These are the curls



from his first trip

to the barbershop.



Nobody wants to see this.



Oh, and you kept

all of his baby teeth.



Look at his

darling little teeth,



isn't that sweet?



Uh-oh, somebody looks

very grumpy there.



Oh, that's Gay with the mohel.



The mohel?




He's the man who snips

the baby's little winkydink.



See, that's Greg getting

circumcised, right here.



We had the ceremony

at my parents' house



but there was a cold snap

and... Tell him.



The heater conked out.






No matter how hard he tried,

the mohel couldn't coax



Greg's tiny little turtle

from its shell.



You know what? Let's not talk

about the tiny turtle, okay?



Let's... Th-this is dinner.



Honey, half the people

at this table have penises.



Mom, control yourself.



Roz, he's right.

You're embarrassing him.



Okay, I'm sorry.



Make a long story short, Jack,

he wound up with a semicirc.



What's a semicirc?



I can't wait to hear this.



What? It's a cross between

an ant eater and--



A German Army helmet.



But, honey... Oh!



You wanted to talk

about the wedding, right?



Don't tell me you kept

his umbilical cord.



Of course not,

that's Greg's foreskin.



All right, you know what? That's it.

That's-- that's enough humiliation.



Honey, stop.

We're having fun.



No, I'm not having fun.



Why deny us our memories?



Because we're done!



Anyone in the mood

for Chinese?



You told me

your first time



was with the Danish transfer

student in high school.



Yeah, well, you weren't

exactly forthcoming



about your engagement

with Kevin.



Yeah, well,

he wasn't my babysitter.



Okay, I should have

told you, all right.



Can we just let

it go, please?



We both got enough stuff

to deal with this weekend.



Oh, hi, Jack.



Hello, Greg.



Funny dinner, huh?



How do you mean?



I know that you are studying my

family like the frozen caveman.



So, I just, I don't want

you to be worried, okay?



I mean, they're

a little quirky,



but they-they're




and-- and I think

they're just nervous and...



Greg, I am sure tomorrow

will be a better day.



I'm sorry, ma'am.



I thought you

ordered room service.



Are you sure

you don't want



any whipped cream

with your sundae?



Bern, stop it!



Who's Bern?

I'm Chad, the bellhop.



Oh, no, come on,

we did that last week.



Can't you be

Sam the carpet-cleaning man?



It's illogical. Why would a

carpet cleaner have whipped cream?



Well, improvise, honey.



Good evening, miss.



I'm here to clean

your carpet.



Do you mind if I put some

foam down on your rug?



I don't mind at all.



Good night, Greg.



Okay, sleep well, Jack.



How long-- how long

have you worked in this hotel?



It's time to put some snow

on your mountains.



Come on, I'm gonna get

some whipped cream



on those Tetons.






Come back in the

morning, tootsie roll.



Gay, you see the

cowboy hat on the door?



Cowboy hat is off the door!



No cowboy hat this weekend!



I'm coming in!



Just stop doing

what you're doing!






Come on, man, you know



what that cowboy hat

on the door means.



Will you please

help me out here?




We're just being ourselves.



Mom, mom, please...



I think he's saying

not to be ourselves.



Yes, be yourselves



but be yourself in a way



that's a little less than

being your full selves, okay.



I don't understand this.



I mean, why you're so

afraid of this Jack?



You've been kissing his ass

ever since you got here.



Mom, I'm not afraid

of him, okay.



It's not true.

It is true.



I can't believe you

went duck-hunting with him.



Our people

don't shoot ducks.



Just make Jack feel a little

more comfortable here, okay?



So you don't want us

to be ourselves?



No, I just don't want you

to break his RV, Dad,



and-- and-- and reveal

that I had sex with Isabel



and play weird sex games that

everybody can hear in the house.



Mom... Mom, please.



If you ask me,

it wouldn't be so bad



if your future in-laws

heard this.



Do me a favour.



Just don't therapize the Byrneses

this weekend at all, okay?



All I'm saying is,



a few minutes

of concentrated work



with him and Dina,



she could get him

to blow like Krakatoa.



Right, okay, yeah,

you know what?



One day, just give me

one day, okay,



without any complications.



We get through it,

everybody goes off,



we go on with our lives.

Can we do that?



All right.

You got it, dude.



Thank you, okay.



Hon, put the hat

back on the door, okay?



No mom.

No cowboy hat this weekend.



Okay, but

tonight doesn't count.



All aboard.



Morning, partner.






Sleep okay?



I slept all right,

thank you.



It's nice, all of us

being here together,



don't you think?



Bernard, do you mind

if I have some privacy?



Almost done.




this fritatta is wonderful.



What's in it?



Well, a lot of the taste comes

from this old skillet.



I've never washed it.



Hey, guys,



can I have everybody's

attention, please?



Gay, be back in a second.



Okay, Dad. All right.



Uh, so...



Mom, I know we've been--

we've been talking about



having the, uh,

wedding in October,



but Pam and I have been

doing a little thinkin'



and playing around

with some ideas



and, uh, we're thinking

of moving it up to June.






This June?







That's-- that's in a month.



I always wanted

a spring wedding, you know.



Well, that's great, so we can

announce it at the party tonight.



Good idea.



Wait, what party?






Let's play football!



Oh, your father

and I are throwing



a little

engagement soiree



for you two lovebirds.



Look at that.



That's so sweet. Thank you, guys.



I thought we were just having

a nice quiet dinner.



It was supposed

to be a surprise.



The phone keeps ringing,

the list keeps growing.



Yeah, now,

it's up to    Fockers.



When were you going to tell us

about this?




What could be better?



Dad, what are you doing?

We never play football.



I'm trying to cement

relationships here.



Jack said

he was into footy ball.



Let's show EI Stiffo

how we play the game.



Footy ball?



Come on, come on,

let's play!



I'm feeling a little tired.



I think I'll sit it out

with Little Jack, okay?



Honey, you want me to

keep you company?



No, Dina, come on,



you and I will take on

Jack and Roz.



Come on, Jack, it'll be fun,

we'll swap wives.



Don't worry, you'll get her

back after the game.



Fine, we'll play

three on two.



But someone needs to be

official quarterback.



Gay goes both ways.



I'll bet he does.



One, two. Hut.



Come on.



I'll run a down-and-in,

draw in the defence,



then you'll hit Roz

here in the end zone for a TD.



What do you mean?

He hits me where with a what?



I'll throw you the ball,

you try to catch it, okay.



You want me to catch?




On two. Ready?






Hut one, hut two, hike!



Come on, this way!



That way, that way,

that way.



You remember

that time in the park?



You remember that time

in the park?



Guys, come on, come on,

cut it out.



I'm so proud of you.



I caught the ball.



Mom, come on.



I caught the ball!



Come on, huddle up.



No, I'm bored. Here!



Dina, come on, let's go.



You want a spritzer?



What? Oh, a spritzer.



That sounds yummy.



All right, come on. Dad,

you got to focus, all right?



He's beating you

down the field every time.



You want me to

be macho-wacho?



No. What? Have I ever said the

words macho-wacho to you in my life?



I got it.




I won't disappoint you.



Okay, let's try again,

I'm gonna run a stop and go.



Fake the short pass,

then hit me here



in the end zone

with a Hail Mary.



Okay, got that.



Yeah, we keep

running that play.



You want to mix

it up a little?



No, I don't. I've exposed

Bernie's weakness



and I want to take advantage

of it.



Exposed his weakness.

Okay, okay. On four?






Just you and me, Jack.

Mano a mano.



You think you can take me,




I'm pretty sure I can,

Mr. Mom.



You're going down,




I'm going to

rearrange your bouquet.



Sell the pump fake, Greg,



'cause that

Focker's gonna bite.



Hut one, hut two,

hut three, hut four. Hike!



Oh, my God!

Are you all right?






Hey, Jack, you okay?



I'm fine, Greg, thank you.



I see that kind of injury

all the time at the hospital.



I wish you'd let me

give you a quick exam.



No, I'm, I'm fine.



I told you I'll have my doctor

look at it when I get home.






You know, it's amazing how your father

anticipated the pump fake like that.



It's almost like

he knew it was coming.






Well, he definitely takes

competition seriously.



How a man handles himself

on the football field



says a lot

about his character.



Know what I mean?










We got him, didn't we,

dude, huh?



Was he impressed?



No, Dad, he wasn't.

That was a really hard shot.



You could've hurt him.



I just wanted it

to be a fun game



but you wanted to win,



so, you know,

you got me all steamed up.



No, I asked you to play

a little defence,



I didn't ask you to turn it

into a blood sport.



I play too easy.

I play too hard.



What are you really

asking me to do, Gaylord?



I'm not asking

anything of you, Dad.



Just-- just go down there

and apologize to him, okay?



He thinks it

was a cheap shot.



Sure. Okay.

Whatever you say.






I can't win with this kid.



- Honey--

- I can't.



It's okay.



Hi, baby.




So, how far along is Pam?







Come on, honey, I knew it

the minute I saw her.



Her boobs are bigger.

She's hormonal.



No wine at dinner,

no football.



She just found out yesterday.






My bubeleh's

going to have a baby!



My bubeleh's

going to be a father!



Oh, my God.



Tell me, talk to me,

so this is so exciting.




You didn't tell Dad, did you?



No, not yet.

He's gonna plotz.



No, no, Mom,

you can't tell him.



Why not? Because he can't keep a secret.



You know that.



You think Jack knows?



Are you kidding?

That guy's in such denial,



he still thinks his daughter

is still a virgin.



Yeah, I know,

he's very old-fashioned.



That's why Pam can't tell

him till after the wedding.



That is ridiculous.

Mom, it isn't, believe me.



You don't know him like I do.




My lips are sealed.



I am so excited

and thrilled for you.



So happy for you two!



Did you plan this?



Uh, no,

it just sort of happened.



How did it happen?






It just happened. You know--

you know how it happens.



I mean, I'm not going

into the details.



Honey, I love details.



- Sorry.

- All right. Okay.



Well, you know, honey,



many unplanned

pregnancies happen



because the man

is such a sexual dynamo



and the woman

craves his sperm



on an unconscious

but very powerful level.



Hmm-mmm. Mom,

I am truly not comfortable



having this

conversation with you.







I've been saying it

since I was   .



All right.



Love you.

Love you, too.



Uh, Jack!



What say you and me

go into town?



I got a guy

who can fix your RV.



I'm in far too much

physical agony, Bernie.



Gee, I'm sorry,



but it'll be good

for you, you know, to,



you know,

to get out and about.



Yeah. Perfect. I can take the

girls shopping in Coconut Grove.



Little Jack is on



a very specific

napping schedule.



I better stay here.



No, go. Greg can watch him.



Yeah, sure.



He has wonderful

parental instincts.



Dad, Greg deals with little

kids in the ER all the time.



It's true. They don't call me

Barry Poppins for nothing.



That's so cute.



Why would someone call you

Barry Poppins?



They wouldn't.



Now, remember, Greg,

we're Ferberizing him.



So unless it's an emergency,



under no circumstances

should you pick him up



or coddle him in any way

when he cries.



Hmm-mmm. Okay.



He's learning to self-soothe,



that means no television,

no unapproved toys,



and most of all,



no monkey business

of any kind.



Is that clear?




No monkey business.







Shall we get

a move on, pal-o-mino?



I'm ready.



I love this, Roz.



This is a great find.



Oh, good,

and it's loose,



so you can wear it even

if you gain a few pounds.



Isn't that lovely?



Honey, are you all right?



You look a little flushed.



Oh, it's just the heat.

It takes some getting used to.



I'm fine.

I'm going to try this on.



Thank you, Roz.



Now, madame,



let's find something sexy

for the momma to wear.



Look at this little number.






I think this will get

Jack's blood flowing.



Jack would have a coronary.



I thought so.



Oh, Dina, talk to me.



What's really going on

with that man?



He seems very uptight.



Jack's always been

a little wound up.



His job was very stressful.



Being a florist is stressful?



There's more to it

than people think.






If you don't mind me asking,

how is your sex life?



I can't tell you that.



What's the big deal?

I'm a professional.



Dina, I'm a sex therapist,



specializing in

senior sexuality.



I knew those

weren't yoga mats.



We're not    any-anymore.



But you're not dead, either.



Lots of couples our age



lack intimacy

in their marriages.



I didn't say

we weren't intimate.



There are special occasions.

You know, anniversaries and...



Well, on our anniversary.




Nicht gut.



I beg your pardon.



Not good.



I think that I can help

you and Jack reconnect.









it all starts

with a little bit of, uh,



how shall I say,

intimate contact.







My, that tingles.



Every pleasure in the body



can be stimulated

through the ears.



I'd give it a shot

with Jack tonight.



What's goin' on over here?




just having some girl talk.






Okay. Here's the deal, L. J..



I'm going to give you

a few minutes of attention.



But you have to promise



that you don't tell

Grandpa Jack anything, okay?



All right. Good.



Okay, I don't quite know

what that means,



but I'm going to trust you.



All right. Here we go.



Okay. Okay.

It's okay.



A little huggie-wuggie

never hurt anybody.



I know we aren't

supposed to watch TV



but we won't tell

Grandpa Jack, will we?



Oh, look, look, it's Elmo.



Do you like fishes?



You don't like fishes?



No. All right.







Hey, I got an idea.



Let's see what pre-approved

genius toys Grandpa Jack has



in his big basket of fun. Mmm?



Oh, look, look,

it's a-- it's a-- an abacus.



Abacuses aren't that much fun,

are they?



I don't know

why people think they're fun.



Look at this! Look!

It's-- it's bolts on a plank.



Hmm? Fun bolts.

No, not very fun.






A little birdie!



Look, he sings.






No, no, no, you don't want

to say that word.



We don't want to say that.

That's a bad word.






No, no, no.



I thought this

was a repair shop.



Oh, this is better.



That's Isabel's son, Jorge.



   years old,

he can fix anything.



Hey, Bernie.



Yo! Georgie boy!



So, I think you got a tear

in the bilateral valve.









Jorge, what did I tell you?



No more tinkering



until you finish

your science homework.






Uh, I was going to finish it



but, uh, Mr. Gerson

is out with, uh, rickets.



He said definitely don't do it



until his rickets

are-- are cured.



And, you know,

I-- I-- I really--



Who knows if he's ever

telling the truth?






I made chimichangas.

You guys want?



Have you ever known me

to turn down a chimi?



Jack, you in the mood, amigo?



No, thanks.



Why are you

looking at me funny?



I-- I-- I said--



Oh, no, no. You just look

like somebody I know.



No, no, no, no.



Tadpole. Tadpole.

Can you say tadpole?



Mad bull.






No, Jack's mole.



'Cause Jack has

a big mole on his face.



Is your father the mechanic?



Oh, I-- I don't know,

I never met him.



Never met your dad, huh?



Oh, that's unfortunate.



But very interesting.



Mind if I take

a picture of you?



You know,

just for fun.










Just hang on a second there.







Hi, It's me. How's it

going with the little one?



Horribly. He's crying

and screaming, and cursing.



That poor kid is

desperate for human contact.



Honey, you need to hold him,

and kiss him,



do whatever it takes.



I've been hugging him

in secret,



feeding him chocolates, too.



All animals have babies--



Say hello to my

little friend!



You know,

he's probably teething.



So put a dab of rum

in his milk.



And it'll ease the pain,

he'll go to sleep.



You want me to

give him a drink?



I'm talking,

less than a thimbleful.



You don't want Jack coming home



to a screaming baby.



Listen to your mother.

Goodbye. I love you.



All right, Mom.



Hey, Little Jack,

I got a surprise for you.



Little Jack?



Mr. Moose is looking for you.



Oh, shit!

Where the hell did he go?



L. J.!

Little Jack!



L. J.! L. J.!



Does that Jorge resemble

anyone you know?



No one I know.






There's something

you don't see every day.







Okay. I know this looks bad,

but I can explain it.



What the hell happened?

I said no monkey business.




There was no monkey business.



No monkey business?



You're wearing my breast,

Little Jack is drinking,



Moses is sodomizing Jinx,



and you're telling me

there's no monkey business?



What is going on here?

You all right, L. J.?



Hello! We're home!

Hey, guys.



Give me the bottle.



What's happened

to Little Jack?



His hands are stuck

to the bottle of rum.



Thank you, Dad.

You bet they're stuck.



Greg, how did this happen?



And why are you

wearing antlers?



It's very complicated.



It's just a little glue.

He's fine.



He's not fine. If he could use

his hands, he'd tell you himself.



All right. That's all right.

Come on.



Little Jack, honey,

are you okay?






Dina. Pam.



Yes, Dad, uh...

I'm coming. Little Jack.



Honey, I said a thimble,

not a bottle.



Oh, Greg.






How's the little guy doing?




is just as good as new.






Dad, come on.



Is he all right? He's asleep.



I don't care if they

did call you Larry Poppins.



You are completely unfit

to handle a child.



It was Barry Poppins.



What kind of sick cocktail

were you gonna make my grandson?



Jack, the baby's teething.



I told Greg to give him

some rum to ease the pain.



It was your idea?




What is wrong

with you people?



I used to rub bourbon

on Denny's gums.



Yeah! Look what

happened to him.



Greg, you couldn't follow

a simple set of instructions?



Jack, he was screaming.



So I went in and gave him

a little attention. Okay?



He's learning to self-soothe.



These setbacks are disastrous

for his development.



The child is adorable,



but you're not raising

Little Buddha over here.




What are you saying?



I'm saying that

I've seen that kid eat



at least    boogers

since he's been here



and I've got news for you,




prodigies don't eat

their own boogers.



And I have news for you.

Prodigies don't come in   th place



every time either.



Okay, Dad. That's my fiancé.



I'm sorry.

I've never seen people



celebrate mediocrity

the way you do.



Because we love our son?

We hug our son?



Let's get down to it.

The truth is,



you're so concerned about

that Little Jack, but I think



that it's the

Little Jack in you



who's crying out for a hug.



The Little Jack in me?



Jack, you have issues.



I'm trying to understand

why you run around



with a rubber boob

strapped to your chest.



Were you ever breastfed?



Mom, stop.

Key question.



My guess is no.



Spare me

the drugstore psychology.



Everybody! All right.

Everybody just...



Everybody just stop, okay?



Jack, I am not going

to make any excuses. Yes,



Little Jack wouldn't stop

crying so I gave him some hugs



and I let him watch TV.



I went to answer the phone, I

was gone a second, I came back in,



he let himself out of the

playpen, he put on Scarface,



and he glued his hands

to the rum bottle. Okay?



That's it.



Oh. That's it



Greg just said, ''That's it.''

So I feel much better now.



Daddy, would you mind...



Please, Daddy. He made

an honest mistake. Let it go.



He's fine, Greg.

He's asleep.



He spoke.









Did he say what

I am thinking?



I think he did.



Little Jack,

what did you just say?






His first word?



It just slipped

out of my mouth. I--



He has a mind like a sponge.



That's enough.



I'm calling

a family conference.



Oh, it's a great idea, Jack.



Let's finally get your

problems out on the table.



No, no, I mean with

my own family. Excuse us.



I'd like to talk to

Pam and Dina in private.



Of course, of course,

take your time.



Come on, honey.



I'm not so sure



this wedding is

such a good idea.



To say the least, I don't like

what I'm seeing from these Fockers.






Has Greg ever mentioned

the name Jorge to you? Jor--



I don't know what you're

talking about. No, why?



Because I think

your fiancé may have



a few skeletons in his closet

that he is not telling you about.



And skeletons don't like

living in closets.



Oh, my God, Here we

go again. Dad, listen,



you know,

Greg has no skeletons. Okay?



Oh, really?

He does not.



Do you know that?

Yes, I know that.



Will you just--

I'm not a child.



I see. She knows that.



This wedding will happen.



And the sooner

you accept that,



the better it's going

to be for all of us.



I can't talk to you.




Wait a second, sweetheart.



And I'm not so sure Roz

is a yoga instructor, either.



Jack, you promised

that you'd behave yourself.



And what you said

to those people



was really hurtful.



I think you should go up there

and apologize.



I'm not going to apologize

to them.






A little birdie told me



that somebody's going to

be a daddy.






Sorry, honey,

but look at that face.



How could I keep it a secret?



He's so excited

about being a grandpa.



What should he call me?

How about Poppy?



You don't have

to have champagne, okay?




Jack's really angry.



I know he's mad,



but he's also

a little meshuggenah.



Come on, honey. How often do

we get to be grandparents?



We're having a toast.



Okay, fine,

but, Dad, this is a secret.



We can't tell Jack

till after we are married.



Why? We are honest people.



No! I can't stand

this secrecy anymore. Why?



Be quiet.



Why should we diminish our joy



just because they live

in denial?






I promised Pam, okay?



She thinks it'll break

his heart if he finds out.



I'm not gonna take a drink.



Your father's right.



This is the   st century!

Married or not,



there's no shame

in fatherhood!



This is

the fruit of your loins.



That is so beautiful.



Say that to him again.



This is the fruit of your loins!



This is

the fruit of your loins!



Okay. Let's toast

and let's make a sandwich,



and Mom wants

to be the cheese.



Jack Byrnes,

what are you doing?



What did you do?



You okay there, Jacko?



What's the matter

What happened?



I was, uh, coming to apologize



and my back went into spasm.



It's very tender from that

horrific football accident.



Yeah, I feel it.



My God, you're knotted

like a pretzel.



You must be

in a lot of pain, huh?



I don't mind pain.

I learn from pain.




My fingers are magic.



Come on,

let me work out the kinks.



Oh. That's a

lovely offer, Jack.



Uh, no, thanks. I'll be fine.



My wife does

wonderful bodywork, Jack.



I don't think he needs it.



Okay, handsome, shirt off.



I'd rather have it on,

thank you.



Oh, no dice.



No, no, no.

It has to come off.



Ah, lovely.



You know,



most back pain

is psychological.



We carry our

emotional baggage



right here in our muscles.



I've been watching you, Jack.



Studying your body language.



And you're a very sensual man.



But I'm not sure

you realize that.



What are you doing?



It's a technique

I learned in Hawaii.



It's a Lomi-Lomi massage



named after the gentle waves

of the Polynesian Sea.



The waves go in,

and the waves go out.



The waves go in.






Hit some driftwood.



Jack Byrnes, you are a caged lion.



But lions can't be captives

their entire lives.



They have to be free

to roam the bush,



free and wild.



Your wife is a hot,

sexy tigress



and she's waiting for you

to pounce on her.



Let me hear you roar,

baby, roar.



Your body is talking to me.



It's hungry for action.



I can feel it.



Unleash the beast inside you.



Mom, stop it.

You're hurting him.



I am not hurting him.

I am helping him.



Just don't-- don't--



I don't think you

should move just yet.



Jack, come back

for an afternoon session.



It'll do you good.



What're you doing?



We were so close.

I could feel it.



I was getting through to him.



The guy doesn't

like to be touched.



Because he has



the emotional hide

of a rhinoceros.



Don't break him down.

Just let him be.



I was trying to do you

a favour.



You were riding him

like Seabiscuit, Mom.



Dial Foxtrot One.



Alpha, Foxtrot One.



Foxtrot One.



I need a full comparative

DNA analysis




one Gaylord M Focker



and one Jorge Villalobos.




George, House of the wolves.



It might take

a couple of weeks, Santa.



No good, Foxtrot One,

I need a   -hour turnaround.



I'll secure the physical

evidence and the handoff will be



at Harry Focker's

Good Time Supper Club,



     hours tonight.



You got it, Santa.

Foxtrot One out.






Bernie, this is Jack Byrnes.



Hey, Jack. Hey, where

are you calling from?



I'm in my RV.



Would you have Greg

meet me here in three minutes?



You're in your trailer?



Thank you, goodbye.






Hey, Gaylord!



Jack wants you to meet him



in his trailer

in precisely three minutes.



And I have to

tell you,



EI Stiffo was really

starting to freak me out.



Greg, wait, okay?



Listen, no matter

how hard he probes you,



you have to promise me

that you will not break



because I'm not ready

to tell him I'm pregnant.



Hey, honey.




What? What?



Let him probe,



'cause he's probing

a brick wall.



Now show me how



you would like

a romantic evening to go.



Oh, Jack, wine and candles?



Gosh, it's not

even our anniversary.



Come here, hot stuff.



Yes, yes. Oh, Jack.






Down here, under the bed.



Down here, Greg.






Have a seat.



Watch the panel.



This is incredible.



So this is like your, uh,

mobile command centre



for all your spy activities?



Mainly a secure space for me

to spend some alone time



and reflect on my thoughts.




Very cool.







You'll recall,



we had a discussion earlier in

the week regarding my feelings



about family, legacies,

children and so forth.



Oh, yeah, of course I recall.




I'm going to

just ask you once.



Is there anything

you want to tell me



regarding things

that might have happened?



Unplanned things?



Things involving

the fruit of your loins?






Well, if he's not going

to admit it on his own...






Hello, Jorge?



It's Jack Byrnes,

remember me?



Oh, yeah.




You came to

the house with Bernie.



You had that

fancy camera pen.



Yeah, that's right.



Listen, do you have

any plans tonight?



Uh, no.



Good, 'cause I'd like to

invite you to a party.







Having a good time?



Uh, no, not really.






Hey, listen, sweetie, did you

tell your mother I'm pregnant?



Because she keeps touching

my stomach




smiling like that.



Yeah. No, I didn't tell her.

She just, she guessed.



She what?



Yeah, and then

she told my dad.



Oh, my God.



Stop it, Bernie.

Bernie, stop.



It's not funny.



I told my mom.










Why'd you...



Your dad

will definitely find out.



She knows my dad.

She'd never say a word.



No, no.

But he's very suspicious.



Greg. Hi.




Hi. Honey, would you take this

to your mother?



It's a wine spritzer.



That's all she drinks now.



You boys have fun.




Nice party.



Isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's nice.



It's got a nice festive vibe.



You met some of the, uh,

some of the cousins?



I met some. Yes.

I met some, um...






Yeah, Dom Focker.



That's my dad's, uh,

first cousin.



Did you meet his kids,

Randy and Horny?



I've met Randy and Horny.




Come on. I want to

introduce you to somebody.



Come on.



Oh, there he is.



Glad you could

make it, Jorge.



Oh, hey,

thanks for the invite, Mr. B.




this is Jorge Villalobos.






Hey, how you doing?



Isabel's son.



Oh, I didn't realize

Isabel had a son.



When did she get married?



She-she's not married.



Oh, he's never met

his father.






I'm sorry.



That's, I mean,

that's-- that's too bad.



Oh, no, no, it's-- it's cool.



My mom said my dad

wasn't like, mature enough



to deal with a kid,

anyway, so, yeah.



So how do you

guys know each other?



Oh, this young man

is quite the mechanic.



And he's only    years old.

Isn't that impressive?



Really? You're   ?




That is impressive.



He's a handsome kid, huh?






Almost like a young,

half-Hispanic Marlon Brando.






I'll leave

you two guys to talk.



You probably have

a lot in common.



Well, hmm.



So you're   .



Come on, let's conga.



Did you order

the Tom Collins, sir?



Is it made with

fresh lemon juice?



They're Bermuda lemons, sir.



And I squeezed them myself.



Stay safe, Santa.



I mean,

it's romantic out here,



don't you think?



The moon, the sea,



isn't it nice?




Yeah, it's nice.



You look very handsome

tonight, Jack.




Thank you, honey.



What are you

doing to my ears?









I have to go to the bathroom,

I'll be right back.






Hello, Greg.



Hi, Jack.



Did you have

a nice conversation



with your son?



Jack, I've never even met

that kid before.



Focker, you've been covering

this up from the very beginning.



No, I haven't, Jack.



It's just another one

of your crazy theories.






You're still in

the circle of trust,



so I'm gonna give you

one more chance.



Are you ready to admit



that you've been hiding this

from Pam?



No, I haven't.



You're not hiding anything?



No, all right?



Oh, Greg.



What are you holding?

What's in your hand?






Jack, I can see it

in the mirror. What is it?



You got something

in your hand.



Don't worry about it, Greg.



Is that a needle?



Yes, it is.



You seem tense.



I was going to

offer you a sedative.



You're joking, right?



No, I'm not.






Is that tartar sauce

on your shoulder?



Tartar sauce?






You've been injected



with a highly concentrated

dose of sodium pentothal.



Street name: Truth serum.



You won't recall this

in a few minutes



and tonight, for the

first time in your life,



my young friend,



you are going to be honest.



Keep the pressure on it.



Get down, Little Jack.

Get funky.






Hey there, preggers.






How're you doin'?



Fine, where've you been?



I went to the bathroom to pee

and now I'm talking to you,



my fiancée, who I've delayed

marrying for two years



because I didn't want

our parents to meet.












You don't like me?

It's okay.



I don't like your

little red outfit.



Makes you look

like a little demon-baby.



Maybe I'll get you



a little pitchfork

for Christmas, huh,



so we can put you

on a can of Underwood ham.



I'm sorry that I can't make

little ''poop'' sounds



and I can't make

little things



that tell people

when I wanna do things.



And guess what?



I can make

a sign to you, too.



How's that for a sign?



Uh-oh. Look, Bernie's gone up

on the stage. Come.



Now, to say a few words,



one of the great

registered nurses of all time,



Gaylord Myron Focker.



Come on,

let's give it up to Gay.



Give it up to him.



Bernie Focker!



I love the shirt, Dad.



Thank you. All right.



It's great to be here

with all of you



as I am about to set sail



in my ship of life,



with my first mate,



the beautiful young

blonde lass over there.



Hey, baby.



I love you, honey.



I still masturbate to Pam.






What? It's true.



Honey, what?

Come on, you're hot.



Look at her.



Look at those boobs. Man!



I just wanna--



I just wanna lather them up

with soap and just...



I love it.



Man, I just wanna-- just wanna

nestle in there



and just take

a little vacation in there.






Honey, what? I'm sorry.



Okay, excuse me

for you being perfect.



Hey, you know

who else is great?



That woman over there.



My future mother-in-law,

Dina Byrnes.



You know, they say

if you really wanna know



what a woman

will look like



when she gets older, you

should look at her mother.



Well, I'm a lookin'

and I'm a likin'.



Look at her! Sweetness!



Good genes,

the Byrnes gene pool.



Hey, hey, you.



Yeah, you.



Hold on.




I gotta tell you something



about-- about this little

dude right here.



In my first really passionate

sexual awakening,



I did,

in fact, lose my virginity



to our beautiful housekeeper,




Greg, honey,

that was in the past.



So why don't

you come sit down?



No, no, honey, 'cause I have to

get this off my chest, really.






We conceived a child.



And his name is

Jorge Villalobos.



Come up here, Jorge.

Come up here.



Let's lift

the veil of mystery.



The fruit of my loins

is right here.



Everybody take a look.

See his face.



He's mine.



Search your feelings, Jorge.



You know it to be true.



It's okay.

I know.



I know.

Lot of information.



You let it settle.



Who'd have thunk it, huh?



Come on,

give that kid a hand.



Oh, and, uh, Jack?



Pam's pregnant.



Focker out.









What happened last night?



Well, you got drunk

and told my dad I'm pregnant.



You revealed you have



a   -year-old son

named Jorge.



And, oh, apparently

you have the hots for my mom.



Oh, my God.



I-- I...



You mean,

is that really true?



I think she's attractive.



No, that you have a son

you never told me about.



I... Honey, if it is,



I never heard about it

before last night.



Isabel never

said anything to me. I-- I...



I mean.



I don't even

remember drinking.



You're telling me the truth,

aren't you?



Of course, I am.




I love you.



I would never lie to you

about anything like that.



I love you, too.



And if Jorge

really is your son,



then we will make it work.









Hey, how did your dad react

to the pregnancy news?






just as you'd expect.



He slept in the RV.



He hasn't spoken

to anyone since last night.



Pam, we have

to leave this island.



Get in the RV right now.



Bernard, get out

from under the vehicle



or I will run you over.



I'm not moving, Jack.



There's a non-violent way

to handle this.



What's going on?



Well, your father

wants to leave,



and Bernie is staging

a sit-in.



Dad, come on, get up.



This is ridiculous.



You weren't around

in the '  s, man.



This is how

we got things done.



Pam, Dina, we have to

get off this island. It's evil.



Jack Byrnes, out of the RV.



You are acting

like such a jerk.



Yes, there you go.







Man, we're gonna

have a grandchild.



Come on,

we should be celebrating.



How could you not see it?



Greg is completely unfit

to handle a child.



He's neglected his own son

for    years.



Hey, Jack, I didn't even know

he existed.



That's right.



Who knows what to believe

with you?



You're dishonest

about everything.



You're so much better, Jack?

Why don't you tell everybody



what you did last night

to Greg at the party.



Muskrat, Dina.



Oh, stuff

your muskrat, Jack.



He shot Greg with truth serum

before his speech.







I found this in his pocket.



Here we go again, Dad.



He did the same thing

to Pam's junior prom date.



Wait a minute.

Yes, yes. Wait a minute.



You stuck a needle in my neck.



You drugged my son?



I had no choice.

He refuses to tell the truth.



Because he's terrified,



and he thinks

he has to impress you.



He's had us

trying to impress you,



but in my opinion,



Jack, I think it's you



who should be

trying to impress us.






You've insulted me,

my wife, my son,



our entire way of life.



I've sat back and taken it.

But now,



you've crossed the line, sir.



And I'm gonna have

to kick your ass.



Dad, dad, wait a second.



I'm gonna teach this florist

some justice, Focker-style.



Just calm down.



Just give me

a minute to stretch.



Bernie, you're

gonna hurt yourself.



We can talk this through.



It's too late for words,




Dad, Dad, no, no,




no dance fighting. Stop!



This is Capoeira, man.



This is hardcore shit.



Bernard, if you continue,



you will force

me to engage you.



And once I begin

the sequence of combat,



it can only end

with your demise.



Bring it, dog. Come on.

Bring it. Come on.



He's taunting me.






Greg! Greg!



What, Bernie,

you're gonna snap now?









Now look what you did.



It's your fault.



He's bleeding.

He's bleeding, Daddy.



That's it. Pam, Dina,



I'm calling

a family conference.



Come on.



No, Dad, this is the family.



All right? In a few weeks,

I'm not gonna be Pam Byrnes.



I'm gonna be Pamela Focker.



Or Byrnes-Focker.



We haven't

totally decided yet.



No, no, no, I'm gonna be

Pamela Martha Focker.



I know how that sounds,



but-- but that's

the name I'm taking.



Pamcake, you're upset.

I'm not so sure



you're thinking

clearly right now.



I'm trying, Dad.



It's you who

is not thinking clearly.



These two kids

love each other. Look.



We've been kvelling about

this pregnancy all weekend.



You knew she was pregnant?



We all did, Jack.



Daddy, I was gonna tell you

after the wedding, I swear.



This is the reason I created

the circle of trust



so we could

discuss these things.



The circle isn't gonna work



if you don't trust

anyone that's in it, Dad.






Jack, don't.



No, Dad.







Daddy, please.

Daddy, where are you going?



Jack. Come on.



Daddy, come back, please.



This is nicht gut.



Is it ringing?



There's no answer.



Well, let's give him

some space.



Maybe he's learning

to self-soothe.







This is crazy. I'm going.



I'm coming with you, Son.



No, Dad, I can do it myself.



We gotta make up time.

I know these roads



like the back

of my hand.



Come on, let's put

this family back together.



Dad, I know a shortcut.



It will lead us

to the freeway.



I think you make

a right up here or a left.



It's either one or the other.



You don't know

where we are, do you?



You know,

something's wrong here.



This makes no sense at all.



Dad, it's a map of Detroit.



Oh, well, that explains it.






Punch it, Gay.



We gotta catch that dude.



Oh, shit.



Come on.

Come on. Keep going.



Dad, come on, it's a cop.



Listen carefully.

Let me do the talking.



I know how to handle

the local cops.



No, don't-- don't

do any talking.



Don't shush me,

I'm a lawyer.



I'm not shushing you.



You know how many tickets

I've talked myself out of?



Oh, wow.

Will you look at this guy.



Don't they have

height requirements?



We're screwed. No, we're not.



Don't. don't, Dad, he said

to remain in the vehicle.



Sir, I said to remain

in your vehicle.



I just wanna talk to you

for one second.



Let's just talk

like friendly Floridians.



If you fail to comply,

I will arrest you.



You see, my son's future




thinks my Gay back there

has a bastard son.



I said shut it.



Shut it.



I know my civil rights now.



You know your rights? Huh?






I have sensitive wrists.



Excuse me.



Sir, return to your vehicle.



I don't know

what he said, but--



That's it.

On your belly.



On my belly?



You got a hearing problem?



No, I'm just trying to say--



Now we have two failures

to comply.



Now, I need the two of you



to remain on the vehicle.



Okay, now here's my plan.






Dad, no.



That was just a joke.



I'm sorry.



I was-- I was just trying

to help you, Gay.



I know, Dad.



You're always trying to help.



Talk to me, Marty.



What's the intel

on Operation Living Skeleton?



Focker is not the kid's father, Jack.



Are you kidding me?



I was sure I had that pegged.



I'm sending you

a visual uplink now.



The dad was a minor-league

Florida ball player.



His name is Rusty Bridges.



We all make mistakes, Santa.



Foxtrot One out.



   years spent reading

other people



and I get it all wrong.



My own wife,



I don't even know

what she's thinking.



My daughter keeps

secrets from me.



Sometimes I think

you're the only person



I can really talk to, L. J..






I know.



F- O-C-K-E-R.



Hey, it's Jack.



Hey, Jack.


















Jack. Jack.



Weaver stance!



Oh, my God. You shot my son.






Your son has merely

been stunned



by a less than lethal weapon.



Remain calm.



      volts of electricity

are now passing



into your skeletal

muscle tissue.



Your central nervous system

has been incapacitated



but you will regain

motor functions momentarily.



Officer, do you mind telling me



why you're arresting

these men?



Oh, mercy, it just gets

better and better.



That is none of your business,




Return to your camper.



At ease, son.

Put away the Taser.



Jack Byrnes, CIA.



C- I what?



Says here you're retired.



What'll you show me next,

old-timer, your AARP card?



Now, you listen to me,

and you listen good.



What's he doing?



Don't worry,

he'll get us out of this.



You have no right to--



Stand down, sir.



No, I will not stand down.

You will stand down.



I will not stand down.



You will stand down



or you will be

working security



in a retirement home

in Point Beach.



Remain calm.



It's been almost an hour.



You think

they caught up with him?



Hmm. Sure, sweetheart.



If I know Bernie,



they're probably sitting in

a café in Little Havana



eating chimichangas

and working out their issues.



Check it out.



He's got a rubber booby.



What's going on?



What's going on? I was

talking to Judge Goldfarb.



It's done, we're out.



I thought you

were making a call.



We don't need it. I ran into

the judge in the hall.



I took care of everything.



Yeah, right.



What're you saying, Jack?



I'm saying, if you had kept

your mouth shut



in the first place

we wouldn't be in this mess.



I'm a lawyer, Jack.



I'm trying to get us

out of here.



What'd you do, give the

judge your fondue recipe?



At least I'm comfortable

enough in my own skin



to cook for my family.



When's the last time you gave

your wife breakfast in bed?



When is the last time

you gave her anything in bed?



Now you're out

of line, Focker.



You're out of line, man.



No, you hurt

my feelings there,



and there's no reason

to hurt my feelings.



Would you guys stop?

He insulted me.



Well, this isn't about you,

all right?



It's not about either of you.



It's about me and Pam.



We're getting married.

That's it.



We're starting

our own circle of trust.



And guess what?

You're not in it.



Oh, you can't start a circle

of trust. It's my circle.



You don't have a patent

on the circle, Jack.



By the way, you're not even

in your own circle right now.



That is untrue.



I say who's in or out

of the circle.



Well, I'm confused.

Whose circle am I in?







we're starting a family, okay?



We-we're gonna have a baby.



I have a   -year-old son.



You guys gotta put aside

your issues



and-- and

do what's best for us. Okay?



Greg, Jorge is not your son.






I had a comparative

DNA analysis done last night.



And I made a mistake.



You made a mistake?



- Yes, I did.

- Wait a minute.



Truth serum, DNA matches.



Who the hell are you,

Jack Byrnes?



I'm not really a florist,




I was in the CIA

for    years.



And I retired

right before I met Greg.



Oh, sure.

Well, that makes sense.



Bernie, what the heck are you

still doing here?






Open up, let these guys out.



Judge, what exactly

did he say to you?



He didn't have

to say anything.



Dr. Roz saved my marriage.



I'd do anything

for that woman.



You tell sugar-pants



I'll see her in class

next week.



Will do, Ira. Thanks.



Well, what can I say?



I'm married to

a powerful woman.



All right, gentlemen.

Let's go. Excuse me.






Can you close the cell door?



Focker! You want

to remain in the cell?



We're not done talking yet.






So, what do you think,

huh? Hmm?



Can we work this out or not?












Good enough.



All right, then, uh,



I think Pam and I

should-- should get married



this weekend.



This weekend?



Oh, I'm not so sure

that's a good idea.



You wanna be in the circle

or not, Jack?




we'll do it this weekend.



Oh, Jack.



Hey, I think I can get

Judge Ira to marry you guys.



Oh, I don't think so.



But if it's all right

with you, Greg,



I already have

a minister in mind.



Oh my God, Daddy.

You didn't!



Meeting Greg made

such an impression on Kevin,



he spent eight months

in Israel on a kibbutz,



then he took

an Internet course



and got ordained

as an inter-faith minister.



Jack told me you were okay



with me conducting

the ceremony.



I hope that's true.



Yeah, yeah, no,

I think it's great.



I mean, it is a little weird.



You listen to me

when I say this.



Pam and I didn't have




of the spiritual connection



that you two obviously share.



I mean, I look at you both

together and you're beautiful.



I get it. Okay?



Okay, thank you, Kevin.



Thank you, Greg.



You're gonna be a great mom,




Thank you, Daddy.



And who gives this woman

to this man?



I do.

Jack Tiberius Byrnes.






Sorry, Greg.



She's all yours now.



That was sweet, honey.



Are you all right?



Shalom, everyone.






Which is Hebrew for

''what's going on?''



Let us begin with

the blessing of the wine.










Yeah, go ahead.



Well, hi.







I just have to say

I underestimated you.






When it comes to relationships



I'm starting to see



that you might actually know

what you're talking about.



I appreciate that, Jack.



Really, thank you.



I also was curious about

the advice you gave Judge Ira.






Is that

classified information?



I thought you'd never ask.



I'm gonna give you

a crash course, okay?



Come here.









And I do that for

how many minutes?



Hey! There's my brother

from another mother.



Congratulations, Jacko.



Put that away, Bernard.



We're family now.



We're family.



Now, if you'll excuse me,



I have some unfinished

business to take care of.



Go get her, tiger.



We Fockerized him.



Sure did.



I'd like to Fockerize you.



Sweetheart, do we have

to hurry like this?




we're in a covert operation.



The bandleader

told me we have    minutes




they cut the cake.



Jack, what are you doing?



Little trick

Bernie taught me.



Now let's find out, L. J.,



why the Ferber method

isn't working.



Oh, hi, baby.



Hi, Little Jack.




Oh, look what I brought you.



Oh, what did I bring?

A chocolate.



For the baby.



Yummy, is that good?



I know you're

not supposed to have this.



Grandpa Jack

doesn't like chocolate.



But he's a little,

you know, whacko.



Don't tell him, okay?



You know what? I got some

cake in the refrigerator.



Later I'll bring

you that, okay?



Chocolate cake.

Good boy.



But don't tell anyone, okay?

One more.



You yell and scream

all you want.



Make noise, that's what

this country's all about.



I think we've got a

little protester on our hands.



Oh, it figures,



I should've known

this was gonna go on.



Always question authority.



You have to question everything

EI Stiffo Grandpa Jack says.



You know why?

Because' he's full of...



Because he's full of...



Grandpa Jack is full of...



Grandpa Jack is full of...



There he is.

Little Man Jack.



How're you doing?



Can I interest you

in a little vodka?



Just kidding.



I'm, like, uh, officially

your uncle now.



So I was thinking



maybe I should give you

some uncley advice.



You know, little hints

for surviving in this family



'cause you gotta learn

to keep secrets



from your psycho Grandpa Jack.



He was really upset



when you crawled out

of the playpen.



Which is why we never tell him

that instead of watching you,



I was actually

out by the lagoon



smoking a little reefer.



Or that whole thing

about Pam being pregnant.



There's no little Focker

on the way.



Whole thing was just made up



so Jack would

let us get married. But--



You gotta do

what you gotta do, right?



That's cute, that little

alligator tchotchke thing.



What's that in its mouth?



It's got like a-- a camera!






Hi, Jack.



I knew you were there

all along. I was just, uh,



doin' a little show for you.



You know I don't smoke pot

or anything,



and Pam is pregnant.



You should've seen the look

on your face, though.



Oh, so good.






Hey, look at me,

Jack, what am I?



I am a frozen caveman.



Study me, Jack.



Learn how strange

the Focker genetic code is.



We are weird mutants

who hug and kiss.



We show emotion.



Jack must learn from us



and chip away

with his hammer of truth.



Ha, Focker.



Wooga booga.

Special help by SergeiK