Voila! Finally, the Meet The Parents
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Ben
Stiller, Robert De Niro, Owen Wilson, Teri Polo, etc.. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Meet The Parents. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Look at the light coming out of the earth
Show me a man who's gentle and kind
And I'll show you a loser
Now show me a man who takes what he wants
Look at that boy sitting on the moon
Look how exciting
Look how exciting
So the poets say
When you're a fool in love
And nothing goes the way you plan
And no one cares and no one understands
That you're a fool and you're in love
Never another spring for you
Never a robin to sing for you
You're out there on your own
When you're a fool in love
When you're a fool in love
A fool in love Seems like the skies
Are always gray
You turn around there's someone in your way
And it's you and you're in love
Sometimes you think that your luck has changed
And a rainbow explodes across the sky
But when you're a fool in love
You'll be a fool till the day you die
A fool in love
[Man] I know we haven't been together that long,
but these last ten months have just been the happiest of my life.
You're not only the person I love, you're also my best friend,
and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me?
Seriously. Do you think that sounds good?
- No! - Really? 'Cause I think that kinda sums up--
- No! - Oh? Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Sometimes these catheters can pinch a little bit.
Well, thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.
You've got a real gentle touch there, Doctor.
She won't be able to say no.
Actually, I'm a nurse. Doctor'll be right in.
Good luck, Greg. Thanks, Kim. Good luck, buddy.
[School Bell Ringing]
Okay, it's time for our problem of the week.
I want you to pick out your problem--
a problem that's been bothering you all week--
With your eyes still closed,
I want you to picture that problem in your mind.
Pretend that it's right there in front of you.
Not only are you my best friend,
but you're also the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
I love you. Will you... marry me?
Now I want you to scare your problems away. I want you to say boo.
- Boo! - [Screaming] Boo!
[Chuckling] All right, you guys are great.
Very good. I will see you guys after lunch, all right?
Hey, Pam, isn't that your special friend outside?
Yeah, I think so.
Why don't you go talk to him?
You think I should? [All] Yeah.
Hi, sweetie. How you doin'?
What's going on? I was in the neighborhood, got off work early.
Thought maybe you wanted to get a bite to eat.
Oh, that's very sweet. What a nice surprise.
Oh, shoot, I forgot to change my shoes.
You don't have to change. I can't resist a man in nurse's shoes.
I know, but I got sneakers in my backpack.
- It'll just take a second. - [Giggling] Okay.
- Honey-- - Hmm?
Pam, I love you. Yeah?
I love you too. Come on, sweetie.
I got a half hour before I have to be back, so you wanna go have lunch?
- What are you doing? - Um, nothing.
I just love you so much.
These last ten months have been the happiest of my life.
Yeah, they've been amazing. W-What's going on?
Nothing. I just-- I just-- I just feel like we're so close.
You're my best friend, and you're also the woman that I love, and--
Are you okay, sweetie? You're acting so weird.
I'm fine. I just got a crick in my neck. I was doing C.P.R....
on a -pound crack addict this morning. Oh, my goodness!
Do you want me to massage your neck or something?
No, no, no, I'm fine, I'm good. A back rub? Are you sure?
Honey, look, your kids-- they're trying to tell you something.
What? Hold on. Look! [Cell Phone Ringing]
Oh, it's my sister. Hello? Hi! I'm engaged!
You're engaged! That's wonderful. Congratulations!
Oh, my God, you're getting married in two weeks. That's a little soon.
Wow, Mom and Dad really don't know Bob very well. Dad was okay with this?
Well, Bob asked Dad. Wow, that was very thoughtful of him.
I can't believe he knew to ask Dad's permission.
I'm just here with Greg. He's gonna take me out for lunch. He's okay.
Okay, yeah, I know you gotta go. I love you.
Okay, talk to you soon. Bye.
So what's going on? What? Debbie's marrying that guy? Yeah, in two weeks.
Dr. Bob of Denver. Isn't that great?
Yeah, yeah, that's-- Didn't they just meet like a few months ago?
Well, yeah, but, you know, he asked her, and she said yes.
He asked my dad. He said yes. Then he asked Debbie.
Huh? Yeah, I overheard that. So, what, like he had to ask his permission?
No, no, he didn't have to.
Bob just understood that Dad appreciates that kind of thing.
Hmm? Mm-hmm. Anyway, Deb said Dad's crazy about him.
Evidently, Bob bought him, like, the perfect gift that just won him over.
You know? Really? Huh? A gift?
Are you sure it's okay to X-ray this?
Yeah, it's not gonna mutate or anything.
- Uh, sir, that's not gonna fit. - Wait. Hang on a second.
The bag's too big, guy. You gotta check it.
[Beeping] Over here.
Raise your arms, sir. Look.
I've got an engagement ring for my girlfriend in the bag.
I can't open it here. Don't you think I can just carry it on?
Hey, pal, if it ain't fittin' through the frame, you ain't carryin' it on the plane.
- -- New York La Guardia. Check it. - Wait, wait!
Excuse me! Don't worry. It'll be waitin' for you on the other side.
Baby, hurry Don't make me worry
[Woman Over P.A.] Welcome to New York's La Guardia Airport.
Excuse me. Hi.
You lost my bag, and there's a two-carat diamond ring inside it.
I didn't lose your anything, sir.
But put your local address on this form, and we'll ship it when it surfaces.
And what if it doesn't? Am I supposed to spend the entire weekend...
with just the clothes on my back?
It's a great gift. I just thought you were gonna get them champagne.
Trust me. I think your dad is gonna be very psyched about this gift.
Well, don't forget he's retired, though.
The guy was in the rare-flower business for years. I think he still maintains an interest.
You make it sound like they're really hard to please. No, not at all!
He's the sweetest man in the whole world. Just relax!
He's gonna love you. I promise.
As much as he loves Dr. Bob?
Take it easy on the sarcasm. Humor is entirely wasted on my parents.
What, are they Amish? [Pam Giggling]
Okay, no jokes.
What are you doing? What?
I told you my dad sees smoking as a sign of weakness.
Okay, all right, I'll leave 'em in the car.
No, no, no, no, he'll check there. Oh, gosh.
Yeah, the roof is probably a better idea.
Okay. And, oh, uh,
we're not living together.
I thought you said you told him. Well--
Hi, Daddy! Hi! Sweet pea!
I missed you so much, Pamcake. I missed you too, Flapjack.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
[Together] Short stack, short stack, coming up.
- Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba. - Where's my "wittle" girl?
- Mommy! Mom! - You look so beautiful.
[Pam] So do you. Look at you.
Oh, I'm sorry. Mom, Dad, this is Greg.
Hi, Greg. I'm Pam's father, Jack Byrnes. Great to finally meet you.
Good meeting you. And I'm Dina. Welcome to Oyster Bay.
Oh, thanks. Ah!
What are you driving there, a Ford?
Oh, yeah, it's a Taurus.
We were gonna get a mid-size, but I figure, hey, we pull down decent bucks.
Might as well go all out, pop for the full-size.
Sure. Interesting color. You pick it? Oh.
Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?
Well, they say geniuses pick green.
- But you didn't pick it. - Jack!
Oh, yucky. What smells of old sour milk?
Oh, poor Greg got spit up on by a baby. He didn't.
Yeah, he did, Ma, at the lost luggage counter. The airline lost his bag.
They didn't! Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, they did.
What about you, honey? Oh, no, no, no. I carried on.
That's my girl.
It'll turn up, I'm sure. And anyway, Greg, meanwhile, anything you need, just ask.
That's right. Mi casa es su casa. Oh, thanks, Jack. You too.
This is so nice. [Jack] We like it.
Oh, now, Greg, you have a very unique last name.
Um, we were curious, how do you pronounce it?
Oh, just like it's spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Focker. Hmm, Focker. Hmm.
- Oh, I'll get it, honey. - Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Oh, there he is. There's our little guy. -Jinxy, come here, boy.
Come here, baby. Come to Daddy, Jinxy. Come on. Come on, Jinxy.
Come here. Come to Daddy. Jinxy!
Come on. [Chuckles] Taught him that in one week.
This is Pam's cat, Jinxy. Jinxy, say hello to Greg.
Hi, Jinx. Wave to Greg. Hello, Jinx.
Attaboy. That took me another week.
Oh, my gosh. Pam, I didn't know you had a cat.
Yeah, I left him here when I moved to Chicago.
Your daddy's found his new best friend.
You won't believe it. He even taught him to use the potty.
You won't believe it. He even taught him to use the potty.
- He did? Dad, that's kinda weird, isn't it? - What's so weird about it?
Now we don't have to smell kitty litter all the time. That's right.
That's incredible. How did you teach the cat to use the toilet?
Oh, that was easy, Greg. I just designed a litter box to put inside the toilet,
and then once he got used to it, I took it away.
Yeah, makes sense. But I don't think he likes it.
I mean, every chance he gets, he tries to dig, squat and bury.
I had to move all my potted plants off the floor.
Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.
He can't lift the seat, Greg.
He lacks the strength and the opposable thumbs. Yeah.
Ah, right. Opposable-- I didn't think about that.
Jinx is strictly a house cat. Can't let him outside because he lacks outdoor survival skills.
Okay. One of those things, isn't it, sweetheart?
I don't think Greg will be playing with Jinxy too much. He hates cats.
[Chuckles Nervously] Pam, I don't hate cats.
I don't-- I don't hate cats. I just happen to be more of a dog lover.
Yeah, yeah. [Mouthing] I am too.
Well, that's okay if you hate cats, Greg. No!
I don't. I don't hate cats at all. [Jack] That's okay.
Just be honest about it. There's some things I hate.
I-- I'm being honest. Really? Like what?
Honey, why don't we let the kids freshen up, huh?
Greg, you come with me. We'll get you something to wear from Jack's closet, okay?
Okay. Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey.
- Yeah? - I'm so happy you're home, sweetheart.
Oh! Me too, Dad.
Hey, listen, be nice to this one, okay? I kinda like him.
Okay, I'll try. Thank you.
Shirt fit okay, Greg? Oh, fantastic. Thanks, Jack.
Good. Tom Collins coming up.
- You know, I wish you hadn't told your parents I hate cats. - But you do hate cats.
Yeah, but you didn't have to tell them right when we met.
I know. I'm sorry. It just kinda slipped out.
Get your red-hot papooses. My goodness, what is that?
Oh, that's just a little something from me. Go ahead. Open it up.
Oh. Look, honey, Greg brought us a present.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Oh! Oh, look at this.
It's a flower pot with the dirt in it.
- Hmm. - Actually, the real gift is what's planted in the soil.
The bulb of a Jerusalem tulip.
Which I was told is one of the rarest and most beautiful flowers in existence.
Oh, right, right, the Jerusalem--
From the "Jerusales tulipesias" genus. Yes, yes.
Hmm. Anyway, yeah,
the guy said with regular watering, it should bloom in about six months, so--
Oh, we'll look forward to that, Greg.
[Clearing Throat] So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking.
I, uh, I recently got transferred to triage.
Oh, is that better than a nurse?
No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E.R.
It's where all the top nurses work. Well--
No, they do. [Chuckling Nervously]
Not many men in your profession, though, are there, Greg?
No, Jack, not traditionally. Mm-hmm.
Oh, Pam, honey, did you know that your father started his own business?
Really? Dad, that's great. Oh, wow!
Yes, I thought with my knowledge and experience,
why should I allow retirement to stop me?
I really admire that. Yeah.
So what is it? What's the new venture?
Let me ask you a question, Greg.
Let's just say you have kids...
and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town.
So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust.
References, work experience-- it all checks out fine.
But then how do you really know for certain...
that your loved ones are safe with this stranger?
I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
Sure, I think so.
No, the answer is you cannot.
Let me show you something.
Take a look at this, Greg.
What's this look like to you? Um--
[Squeaks] This looks like a teddy bear.
Smile, you're on "Nanny Camera." Ah!
Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah! I've seen these things advertised on TV.
Oh, no, not like this, you haven't. Take a look.
Oh, my gosh. Hi! Oh!
Where's the other camera? Right here in this decorative artifact.
Wow, that's great. Our cameras are motion-activated,
so they begin taping as soon as they sense any movement.
We can hide 'em in anything. We hide 'em in mirrors, lamps, televisions, you name it.
So no matter where you go,
we'll be watching you. [Pam Chuckling]
So, Jack, couldn't this maybe be construed as illegal? You know, invasion of privacy?
Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around,
you'll understand the need for this level of protection.
Impressive, isn't it?
Quite. Mm. [Phone Ringing]
Quite. Mm. [Phone Ringing]
Oh, I'll get that. I'll get it. I'll get it.
Honey, I'll get it.
Any problem with the documents?
Okay. I'll meet you at the Oyster Bay Drugstore in about minutes.
Now you gotta be more careful when you call here.
If anybody else answers, just use a Southern accent...
and ask for the vegetarian special, okay?
Oh, that wasn't the airline, was it?
Nope, wrong number.
We're all out of Collins mix, so I'm gonna make a run for the store.
That's funny. I thought I just bought some.
You know how that stuff-- it just goes, so I'll be back in a jiff.
Well, why doesn't Greg go with you?
Sweetie, you'll need something in case your suitcase doesn't show up.
- Oh, I'm sure it'll show up. - Yeah.
You don't wanna take a chance. You don't have a toothbrush. Go on, sweetie.
Yeah. Okay, unless you want some privacy.
Why would I need privacy?
No, I didn't think you would.
Okay, let's head out. [Dina] Oh, good.
Have fun, you guys. Pam, he seems wonderful.
He is. We have the best time together. Good.
Now, have you two been mm, mm, mm?
Mother! Oh, thinking about anything permanent.
Oh, I don't know. I mean, we haven't really discussed it,
but I definitely have a feeling this is it.
[Sighs] Dad seems to like him. Don't you think?
Big day, Saturday. Nice car.
Yes. This car is--
You got-- What do you use? Unleaded? Regular unleaded?
Hey, you know, Jack, now that we have a second to talk,
I just want you to know how much Pam means to me.
I know-- I know that we haven't been together that long,
but the time that we have spent together has been really incredible.
Greg, how come you don't like cats?
I don't not like cats.
I-l just-- I just prefer dogs.
I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know--
Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of--
You need that assurance? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?
You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog,
his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down.
A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection.
- They don't sell out the way dogs do. - Huh.
You like Peter, Paul and Mary? [Tape Starts]
Yes, I do. I'm a big fan.
Puff the magic dragon Dragon
Lived by the sea
Great song. Yeah, one of my favorites.
Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
[Chuckling] What do you mean?
You know, the whole drug thing.
No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Some people think that...
to "puff the magic dragon" means to--
They're really, uh--
to smoke-- to smoke--
a marijuana cigarette.
Well, Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.
Are you a pothead, Focker? No! No.
What? No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm-- I'm not-- I--
I pass on grass all the time.
I mean, not all the time. Yes or no, Greg?
No. Yes. No.
Hey, Greg, I'll meet you back out front in about... to minutes.
Hey. Hi. How you doing? Hey.
Do you have any of those nicotine patches?
No. We have the gum.
Great. You chew it.
Thank you. Yes, okay. And what's your most expensive bottle of champagne?
Mumm's. It's on sale for . .
Really? That's it? You don't have, like,
a nice, like, or $ bottle of something?
You can get a whole bunch of Mumm's.
Focker. Hey, Jack. Ready to go?
I've been ready, yeah. They ran out of Collins mix.
- You been waiting here long? - No, I was just reading up about...
Yes. Breast pumps.
I grew up on a farm.
Get your hot buns, hot patooties.
Wow, Dina, everything looks fabulous.
It's such a treat for me to have a home-cooked meal like this.
Dinner at my house usually consisted of everybody in the kitchen...
fighting over containers of Chinese food.
You poor thing. What, there wasn't enough food to go around?
No, there was. We just never really sat down like a family like this.
- Oh. - Greg, would you like to say grace?
Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.
You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? Unless you have some objection.
No, no, no, no, I'd love to.
Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something.
I said grace at many a dinner table.
O dear God,
You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle...
and accommodating God.
And we thank You, Osweet,
sweet Lord of hosts...
You have so aptly lain at our table this day...
and each day... by day.
Day by day by day.
O dear Lord,
three things we pray.
To love Thee more dearly,
to see Thee more clearly,
to follow Thee more nearly...
day by day... by day.
Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
Thank you, Greg. That was interesting too.
Oh, that's a-- that's a lovely vase. That's great.
Let me guess, Jack. Is that one of your secret cameras too?
- Boogah-woogah-woogah! [Stammering] - [Pam] Greg.
Greg, that's an urn which holds the remains of Jack's mother.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
That's all right. You didn't know, Greg.
I'm-- That's our Gran-gran.
We like to think of her as watching over us as we eat.
Love you, Ma. Miss you.
Miss you every day.
Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.
What? No! What-What-What poem?
You see, when Jack had to retire...
for health reasons-- That's a bunch of malarky. Honey, I'm fine.
The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he...
sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way.
Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
Please, we really wanna hear it.
Poem, poem. Please!
Oh, all right. It's a work in progress.
I'm still not happy with it.
As soon as it's ready,
then I am going to glaze it onto a plate... Mm.
and put it next to the urn. Nice.
It's very special.
"My Mother" by Jack Byrnes.
"You gave me life, you gave me milk,
'you gave me courage.
"Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven,
"but you were also an angel of God, and He needed you too.
"Selfishly I tried to keep you here...
"while the cancer ate away your organs...
"like an unstoppable rebel force.
"But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face...
until we meet... in heaven."
- [Sighs] - Daddy, that's beautiful.
[Whispering] It always gets me. Amazing. So-So--
So much love, yet also so much information. [Groans]
It takes a lot out of him.
Greg, would you like some yams? Thank you. Oh, yeah.
You must've had vegetables fresher than that, growing up on a farm, Greg.
Dad, uh, Greg grew up in Detroit.
He told me he grew up on a farm.
- Do they have many farms in Detroit? - No, Dina, no, not a lot.
In fact, Jack, I should clarify this.
I didn't actually grow up... on a farm per se.
The house we grew up in was originally erected...
in the early Dutch farm, colonial style.
So that, plus we had a lot of pets--
- Which one did you milk then? - Dad!
Honey, he said he pumped milk.
What have you ever milked?
I milked a cat once. You wanna hear a story? Sure.
My sister had a cat, and the cat birthed a litter of kittens.
Must've been of them, and there was this one little runt...
this little sweet little... little-engine-that-could runt...
who wanted to get up there and couldn't really get access to the-- to the--
to the-- to the-- to the teat.
Dad. What have you.
I went in and just simply, you know, just--
into a little saucer,
then took the saucer and fed it to Geppetto-- that's what I named him.
I had-- I had no idea you could milk a cat.
Oh, yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.
I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?
Okay, could we change the subject perhaps?
Oh! Champagne, champagne. Yes.
I thought maybe we could celebrate with a little bubbly. That'd be great.
Good idea. Yum!
[Mocking Jack] "l have nipples. Can you milk me?"
Well, in a funny way, you've already seen Deb's ring.
Mm-hmm, that's true.
Would anybody care for a bottle of Oyster Bay Drug and Sundries finest champagne?
That is so sweet of you, Greg. Isn't that a nice gesture?
That's very nice. How could I have seen Debbie's ring, Mom?
Well, when I gave Bob the okay to propose to Deb,
I put him in touch with my diamond guy,
and he picked out the same design Kevin gave you.
Kevin, your old boyfriend? [Clears Throat] Thanks, Dad.
Well, yeah, Kevin was Pam's fianc?
- [Screams] - Oh!
- [Dina Whimpering] - [Groaning]
- Oh! - [Whimpering Continues] - Oh, my God.
J-Jinxy, no! Psst!
- Oh! -Jinxy, no!
- [Urinating] - [Screaming] - Oh, God.
- Oh. - Shit.
Greg, sweetie, how you doing?
Oh, just fine, considering I desecrated your grandma's remains,
found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him.
At least back then he was still talking to me.
I can't believe you didn't tell me you were that close. Who, Daddy and me?
No, Kevin and you.
Do we have to know everything about each other's pasts?
You never told me about your cat-milking days in Motown.
That was a long time ago, Pam.
Yeah, okay, well, so was this.
Kevin's and my connection was more physical than anything else.
Physical? Like what? Like you worked out together?
No, no, it was nothing, nothing. It was a stupid sexual thing. Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna go throw up now.
[Groans] Greg, listen.
Kevin and I were only engaged for a month before I realized that I'd made a mistake, okay?
I-l-l gave back the ring, I moved to Chicago,
and I met and fell in love with you, okay, so can we please drop this?
Good. I just feel like this is not going well at all.
I feel like your dad hates me. He doesn't hate you, sweetie.
Come on. Just give him a chance, all right?
Maybe he's nervous too, huh?
I thought he would love my gift, you know, being this big flower guy,
but it's like he didn't even show the slightest bit of interest.
Listen to me. Forget the gift.
You are the most adorable, loving, sweetest man in the whole world,
and I love you.
And very soon my parents are gonna see that...
and grow to love you too, okay?
Speaking of growing to love you--
Honey, it's late. Come on. I know it's late.
But Mr. Winky is still on Chicago time,
and we both know there's only one way to make Mr. Winky go away.
[Knocking] And there it is.
What's with the robe?
It's Pam's. My pajamas are in the suitcase with everything else.
Hey, I'll lend you a pair of Jack's. Okay, honey? Sure.
You don't have to do that, Dina. Oh, no, no, no.
No, that's fine. We have to.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Look, Greg, I just wanna say, don't worry about what happened tonight.
Oh, thanks, Jack. Still, I feel horrible. I mean--
Well, it was a horrible thing.
But let's just put all that behind us and enjoy our weekend together.
Okay. Okay. Thank you, Daddy.
[Imitating Train Chugging]
Oh, thank you. Thanks, Mom.
These'll do just fine. Good night.
Good night, sweetie. See you in the morning. Good night.
Have a nice sleep. Okay, you too.
Oh, no, no, no, Greg, we made up the pullout for you down in the den.
Oh, okay, 'cause Pam said I should sleep in Debbie's room.
Well, Debbie'll be sleeping here tomorrow.
This way, you'll have more privacy, you'll have your own bathroom.
Just try not to flush the toilet. It's always a little quirky.
- Okay. - Oh, one more thing.
I'm a realist. I understand it's the st century,
and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter.
But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway.
Is that understood? Of course, yeah.
Good. Keep your snake in its cage for hours.
[Man On Phone] Welcome to Atlantic American Airways' Lost Luggage Department.
At Atlantic American Airways, customer satisfaction always comes first.
We are experiencing heavy call volume.
Your call is very important to us. It will be answered in approximately minutes.
Please press " " if you'd like to talk to a representative. [Button Beeping]
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I don't know what it is, but there's just something about him that's a little off.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack, you know we've been through this...
with every boyfriend Pam has had since, what, middle school.
I think Greg-- he's a lovely young man.
And, honey, Pam thinks he might be the one.
She said that? She said those exact words?
I didn't tape record it, Jack, but that's the impression.
What kind of a family doesn't have time to sit down for dinner?
Fugitives. Please try to enjoy the weekend, honey.
Both our daughters are in love. That's what I'm worried about.
Oh, geez, I just realized something. What?
Pam's middle name. Martha.
[Together] Pamela Martha Focker.
"Operation Ko Samui"?
Looking for something, Greg? Oh!
Jesus, Jack, you scared me.
I heard a noise, so I came down to see if everything was okay.
Everything's fine. I just-- I'm sorry. I saw a light on, and I kinda stumbled in.
I didn't realize-- That's okay. See anything interesting?
No, not at all. I mean, I mean--
I mean, this is great, though. I love this-- what you-- it's a cozy little nook.
I noticed you were looking at that when I came in.
Yeah. It's an antique polygraph machine.
Is that what that is? I've seen these before,
but I never saw one actually up close.
You know what? Why don't you try that on?
Oh, that's okay.
Oh, come on. We'll have some fun. I'll show you how it works.
- Why should you be afraid? You have nothing to hide. - No, I know.
- I know you know, so there shouldn't be any problem. - No, there's no problem.
- So, try it on. - Okay.
I'll help you.
Don't worry. You'll enjoy this.
Looks complicated. Now these aren't % accurate, right?
They're-- You'd be surprised how accurate they are.
They can tell fairly easily if someone's lying or not.
Now I'm gonna ask you some questions,
and all you have to do is answer "yes" or "no."
- Okay. - All right.
Let's give it a whirl.
Did you fly on an airplane today?
Yes, I did. No peeking.
- Did we eat pot roast for dinner tonight? - Yes.
Was it under-cooked?
No, it was rare.
It was a little rare for my taste.
But I wouldn't-- I'm just kidding, I'm just--
Relax. Relax. The needles are jumping.
Have you ever watched pornographic videos?
- I mean, well, I don't-- - Yes or no?
- Hey! - Hey.
What's the matter? You can't sleep?
No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me.
- Oh, no, he didn't. - Yeah, he did.
Well, did you lie to him?
No! I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together,
and-- What'd you tell him?
I-l-l-- Nothing. Your mother walked in...
and yanked the little thingies off before I had to answer.
Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails?
Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?
Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.
What? Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business.
That was just his cover.
He was in the C.I.A. for years.
How could you not tell me this?
I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly...
on a need-to-know basis.
So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?
No, he was more like a psychological profiler.
They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
Oh, that's great. Yeah.
I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist.
It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.
Would you stop? You're doing great, okay?
This is a lot to take in, honey. I'm sorry.
It's just weird. Oh, I know, but you're doing fine.
Mm, no, no! W-What's wrong, sweetie?
I forgot. I'm not supposed to let the snake out of my cage.
I told your dad I wouldn't touch you for hours.
Okay, I'm not in junior high anymore, so-- No, no, no.
Seriously. I want to try to respect his rules, okay?
Uh, why don't you go ahead and get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning.
- Morning, Greg. - Good morning.
Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Yes, she did.
Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life,
you're in no immediate danger.
I won't tell.
I'm just being humorous.
Huh. That was funny.
But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given,
you are now on the inside of what I like to call...
"the Byrnes family circle of trust."
I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me...
and round and round we go.
Okay, good. Come on. Let's go inside and have breakfast.
Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat where are you
I love you
Not at the table, honey, please.
- Attaboy! - Hey, hey, look who's up!
Hi, sweetie. You must be Greg.
- Hello. - Oh, look, somebody had a visit from the hair fairy.
Oh, yes. Nice 'do, nice 'do.
I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie.
Hi. Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be.
- Congratulations. - And her fianc? Dr. Bob.
You can call me Bob... M.D.
- These are his parents, Linda Banks, - Hi. How are you?
Nice to meet you. and the world-famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Larry.
Whoa, now, cut that out.
You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry.
- Oh, really? What field? - Nursing.
[Both Laughing] That's good.
No, really. What field?
Hey, why don't I get you a chair, Greg?
Thank you. Thanks.
So, you didn't want to go for the M.D.?
No, I actually thought about becoming a doctor, but I decided it wasn't for me.
Just as well. Boards are killer.
Actually Greg aced his MCATs.
- You serious? - No, I did okay.
Oh, he did more than okay. Trust me.
Why did you take the test if you weren't planning on going to med school?
Well, I wanted to keep my options open,
but in the end, nursing was a better fit for me.
It gives you the freedom to work in several different areas of medicine.
Plus, I can focus % on patient care,
as opposed to being a doctor where you have to deal with the bureaucracy.
Wasn't your friend Andy supposed to be here by now? Oh, my God!
I thought Deb told you. Dr. Andy threw out his back. He can't make the wedding.
Oh, damn. Now I have to reconfigure the whole procession.
Um, Bob, why doesn't Greg stand in for Andy, be the usher?
- Oh! No, Pam, no. - That'll be fine. Bob, Greg'll be your second usher.
- Good. - Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay, sure.
Good. Let's all finish up and get ready to go...
because we have a pre-activity briefing in about minutes. Thirty-two minutes!
You know what? In that case, I'd better get upstairs...
and pay a little visit to the shower fairy.
Dina, thank you so much for breakfast.
Hey, you okay? Why didn't you wake me up?
- Because I thought you'd like to sleep late. - Not when I'm a guest.
- It's okay. Don't worry about it. - No, it's not okay.
Tell that to Dr. Torquemada in there with the Grand Inquisition.
Go take a shower, get dressed and come back down.
- Get dressed in what? - Borrow some more of Dad's clothes.
No, I don't-- Come on. Why not, honey?
I just-- No, I don't feel comfortable wearing your dad's underwear.
Okay, well, go wake up Denny and borrow some of his.
You want me to go wake up your brother who I never met...
and ask if I could have some of his clothes?
Okay, all right. Where's Denny's room? Top of the stairs, turn right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell you doing in here? Hi!
I'm-- I'm Greg, Pam's friend.
What? Were you just sniffing my boxers, dude?
No, dude, no. No, no, she said I could come up here,
maybe borrow some clothes from you. Do me a favor. Close the door.
- Tell anybody I wasn't here? - No, they think you're asleep.
Yeah, so, it's all good. [Sighing] You scared me.
Dad keeps you guys under a pretty close watch, huh?
No, it's not that bad. Your little Pamcake's got it a lot worse than I do.
Oh! You need some clothes. Yes, that would be-- that would be great.
Glad to hook you up. All right? Cool.
Like what you done with the crib.
Oh, L'il Kim.
Yeah, I think these ought a do it. All right, here you go, chief.
All right! Enjoy!
Thanks a lot, Denny. No problem.
Oh, and don't worry about the little covert op, all right?
I'll keep it on the lowdown. Down low.
No doubt. [Jack Imitating Trumpet]
People, people, come get your revised itineraries.
Larry, Linda, Debbie, Bob, honey.
Now, I'm gonna activate the alarm. It'll go off in T minus seconds.
I don't think I need a jacket. It's cold out, honey.
Hold on. Here, take Denny's jacket.
Hey, Denny, I'm lending Greg your jacket, okay? Whatever.
Denny, how's the tux fit?
Dad, uh-- What's that?
I-It's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket.
This isn't a sculpture, Denny. This is a device for smoking marijuana.
Not mine. It's not.
Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?
I like the top hat. Complements you.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Did I not clearly explain the circle of trust to you, Greg?
Mm, yeah, I think I got it.
Then is there something you wanna tell me?
Mm, l-l don't think so.
Didn't we have a discussion yesterday in the car about this?
Oh, yes! You mean-- Yes!
You mean me and Pam. Yes, I would love to talk to you about that.
We're not talking about Pam. We're talking about you.
See, if I can't trust you, Greg, then I have no choice...
but to put you right back outside the circle.
And once you're out, you're out. There's no coming back.
Mm, well, I would definitely like to stay inside the circle.
Well, then, tell me the truth.
Jack, I don't know what we're talking about.
All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man.
That's what months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you.
But I will be watching you, studying your every move.
And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child,
I will bring you down, baby.
I will bring you down to Chinatown.
Where are we? I thought we were going to Kevin's house.
- We are, sweetie. This is Kevin's new house. - Wow!
Oh, this is a crazy house. Not bad, huh, Dad?
Maybe he uses marijuana for medicinal purposes. People do that nowadays.
Honey, this kid has been lying to us from the moment we met him.
Hey, you. Get in some quality time with the boys? Hey.
Uh-huh, yeah, it was fun.
Listen, I hope this lunch isn't too weird for you.
Why would "B.B.Q at Best Man's" be weird? [Doorbell Ringing]
Oh, my God, Greg. I was sure I told you.
Kevin is Bob's best man. This is his place.
Kevin, your ex-fianc? Hey! Welcome, everybody.
I don't understand. How does he know Bob?
Well, they-- they went to lacrosse camp together,
and Kevin was the one who introduced Bob to Debbie.
I was really lucky I was able to salvage this wood...
from an old seamen's chapel in Nantucket.
Kevin, the house is amazing. This is where
Maybe you should have gotten married here.
All right, the sun is out, the grill is hot and the pool is luke.
If I can interest you in a swim and a little B.B.Q, just follow me.
All right, Kevo. Right on schedule.
Bring it on. Wow. It must cost a fortune to heat this place.
[Jack] Wait till you see the rest of the house.
[Carmen Playing Over The Stereo]
You okay, sweetie? Yeah.
I'm really sorry. I don't know why I thought you knew.
It-- It's not a big deal.
If I can handle a weekend without sex and cigarettes,
I think I can handle an afternoon with your ex-fianc?
Okay. Thank you.
Now, for the floor that you're walking on, I chose this Bolivian wormwood.
I think it works well in here. I have the Viking range here and the twin Sub-Z's.
Yeah, they open up right there. Oh, I get it. Like hidden.
Yeah, kind of blend in. Great.
Are you a homeowner, Greg?
No, no, I rent. Oh.
So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo?
Gosh, things have been going so great lately.
I got in early on some wireless I.P.O.s, and the stuff just skyrocketed from there.
- Wow. - What about you, Greg? What line of work are you in?
- I'm in health care. - Yeah, so you know what I'm talking about.
There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff.
I don't have to tell you that. How's your portfolio?
I'd say strong...
to quite strong.
You gotta strike while the iron's hot.
Now's the time.
- Greg's a male nurse. - That's right. Thank you, Jack.
[Kevin] Well, that's great.
That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work.
Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that--
He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really--
It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do.
Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too.
So it's kind of an everybody wins.
What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader?
An investment guy? No. I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush.
Yes, that's my day job.
We have time? We got time, don't we, Jack?
I want to show you what I'm really interested in. Come on. Let's go.
Wow! It looks like somebody got an "A" in wood shop.
[Pam, Kevin Laughing]
Yeah, it's always been kind of a hobby. I whittled that out of beech wood.
Huh. It's beautiful. Yeah.
So what got you into, uh, "carpentering"? Carpentry?
[Snickers] I guess I'd have to say Jesus.
He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're gonna follow in someone's footsteps,
who better than Christ?
Are you? Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. - Well, so was J.C.
Wow. You're in good company.
Well, I'm gonna head to the pool,
but why don't you show Greg and Pam the gift?
[Greg] Wow, he made a gift. [Pam] Greg.
I put a fresh coat of lacquer on this this morning,
so bear with me with the fumes.
- Isn't that something? - That's incredible.
Thank you. Roses. Deb's favorite.
[Kevin] Yes, right. It's beautiful. The little holes are for candles.
[Kevin] Exactly. And then later, they'll collect rainfall.
- They make a tiny birdbath. - That's great.
It's beautiful. What is it?
It's an altar.
Or you might call it a "ho-puh."
Isn't that sweet? Wow.
I'm gonna take it over to the Byrneses',
and tomorrow Robert and Debra will meet beneath it to become man and wife.
And later, when they purchase a home,
maybe it will grace their garden.
Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea. [Chuckles]
Must have taken forever to build.
No, not too bad. About hours.
Which isn't bad, considering I carved it all by hand from one piece of wood.
Huh. [Jack] Hey, Kevo.
: . Time to start the barbecue, big guy.
Okay, Mr. B. I better get back to playing host.
Okay, you guys, grab your suits, and I'll meet you down at the pool.
- I think I'm gonna take a pass on the swimming. - Oh, no, you can't.
I don't even have a suit with me. The airline lost my bag and--
[Jack] Pamcake, let's go. Mom's got your suit here. Coming, Dad.
You better get going.
Gosh, she's great. Congratulations, man.
Thank you. And, by the way, she just had the nicest things to say about you.
Gosh. Yeah, we had some good times together.
Boy, she is a tomcat.
So, let me hook you up with some trunks, Gregger.
I'm not gonna swim. No, come on. I'm not taking no for an answer.
[Kevin] Cold buffet is on the left, wine and champagne on the right.
Comin' through here.
[Kevin] Yeah, that'd be gre-- Hey, there he is!
Get out here. [Wolf Whistle]
G-Man, we got salmon, we got swordfish. What's it gonna be?
Ah-- How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog? I'm pretty hungry.
I think they call that "the munchies."
Let's go. Hit the ball, Kev! Show 'em what you got!
Come on, Greg. Damn!
Come on, team. He's got nothing. Come on, Greg.
- Service. - Come on, Greg.
- [Glass Breaking] - Nice serve, pal.
- All right. - Set!
[Jack] Oh, Greg! Come on!
Whoo! Nice shot, Maverick! Sweet setup, Iceman.
[Denny] Nice one, Nurse. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.
You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball.
- It's Greg. - Huddle up, team.
Greg, not Glenn. Greg is afraid of the ball.
- [Jack] Come on. This is unacceptable. - He's gotta go for the ball.
- Here's what we gotta do. - [Bob] Let's go! We're gettin' cold in here.
We're gettin' creamed. If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense.
- Larry, I missed one shot. - It was a big shot.
Larry, keep floatin' where you are. You're doin' great.
Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you.
- If I set you up with the ball, can you jump up and spike it? - [Denny] No.
Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
I bet you would, Panama Red. [Snickers]
- All right, everybody, look sharp. Break! - Let's play some ball.
[Bob] All right, here we go.
Let's go. Come on.
[Denny] Greg! Set!
You gotta spike those, Focker! You gotta spike those!
- Look how Bob did that. Nice play, Bob. - Thanks, Jack.
Fire it up there, Focker! Let's do it!
- Way to go, Deb! - Greg!
- Oh! - [Bob] Honey! God!
- [Shouting] - [Whimpering]
What the hell's the matter with you? It's only a game, Focker!
- Oh, honey! I'm coming! - [Deb Crying]
[Jack] Get some ice.
My eye! Oh, my eye! Focker!
[Bob] God! [Deb Crying]
[Jack] Pam, help your sister, please. I'm sorry, Deb.
Deb, you can totally see Voit backwards on your forehead.
- Denny, get outta here! - You the bandleader?
Yes, sir. Go over the song selection with Bob. Bob? Bob!
[Bob] Yeah, Jack. Are you a Mr. Focker?
Yes. Okay. Sign here, please.
Hey, your suitcase. You go through it, make sure it's all there?
Yeah, it's fine. What's up? Good.
I just wanna make sure you're okay since hitting the spike heard 'round the world.
Oh, yeah. I'm really sorry about that. It's okay.
I don't know what got into me, Iceman.
"Iceman"? I'm sorry. Is that a special thing
Stop it. Stop what, Iceman?
Top Gun was a very popular movie when Kevin and I dated.
All right? That's it. Hey, Iceman.
Do you want to be Maverick? Is that what this is all about?
I can't be Maverick. Kevin's Maverick. He used to be,
but we can change that.
Um, can he be Goose? No, because Goose dies in the end.
Mmm. Very sad.
Honey, I don't really-- Greg, shut up.
Jesus, Dad, you ever think of knocking? Not in my own den.
What are you two doing in here? I'd say rounding
- This is Greg's room, Dad. - Not anymore. We're gonna use it for storage.
Greg will stay in Debbie's room, and she'll bunk up with you tonight.
Fine. Come on, Greg.
- Okay. I'll be right up. - I'll meet you upstairs.
- Okay. I'll be right up. - I'll meet you upstairs.
Oh, good. They found your suitcase. Yeah.
Hey, Jack, I don't quite know what happened back at the tux shop,
but if I've given you the wrong impression regarding Pam in any way, I'm sorry.
Okay? I have nothing but the best intentions with Pam, and I-I just--
Actually, there's something in the suitcase here that I'm planning on giving her...
that I think, um, symbolizes...
[Jiggling Toilet Handle]
the level of my commitment, uh, to her. [Toilet Tank Lid Clattering]
And I wouldn't feel right asking her to wear it...
without her father's permission.
Did you flush this toilet?
Maybe. You know what? Maybe Jinx flushed it.
I saw little Jinxy come in last night,
and he took a little squat and relieved himself.
Jinx knows not to use that toilet, and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
- What does it matter? - The matter, Greg, R.N.,
is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs,
and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night,
then you could have a hell of a problem.
[Man] This is not part of my job description.
Nice stench. You're really on a roll there, bud.
Bite me, Denny!
In hours, I'm having a wedding here, so I need my cesspool pumped now!
- Not tomorrow. Now! - Dad, what's going on?
Oh, my God! What's that smell?
That smell, Bob, is our shit.
Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing.
Jack, I told you. It wasn't me. It was Jinx.
Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again!
Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat, for chris sakes!
The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.
- Hey, look at this! - Kevo!
Over by the tree, right?
No. No, no, no. Not on the lawn!
Stay where you are. Not on the lawn!
- [Pam] Kevin, no! - No, no, no, no!
- [Screaming] - Oh!
- No, no, no! - Ahh!
What the heck?
I got my mojo workin'
Just won't work on you
I got my mojo workin'
Just won't work on you
I know that's what I said I wanted, 'cause that's what I wanted.
It is a black Samsonite suitcase.
What I'm saying is, do you think it's possible that the Samsonite people,
in some crazy little scheme to actually turn a profit, made more than one?
[Woman On Phone] I don't think so. You don't?
I am going to need your baggage claim number again. Jinx, stop.
- I know I signed for it. - I'm looking at your signature right here, Mr. Focker.
- Do me a favor. Could I talk to your supervisor? - Excuse me?
Hmm? What's your name? Joy.
- Okay, let me talk to your supervisor. - My supervisor is on a break.
When he gets back, have him give me a call right away.
It's a very important bag. I'm sure it is, sir.
Don't ask me what it's for. I need you to do this thing. [Man] Yeah.
Please, I'm in a time situation here, so just do it. I'll hold on.
So the name's "Greg Focker"? I don't know. Greg or Gregory. Run both names.
Come on. No. Jinx. Come here. Jinxy. [Meowing]
Mew, mew, mew. No. No.
Jinx. Oh, shit.
Greg didn't ace his med school boards. He never even took the goddamn MCATs.
Oh, Jack, that's what you had your sources check out?
What this poor boy did on some test scores?
I bet he doesn't even have a real nursing degree.
A lot of these hospital workers are just pill poppers looking for easy access to ludes.
We already know that he's been puffin' the magic dragon.
I knew the little crack was lying.
Jinxy. Come here. Come here, little Jinxy.
Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat I won't hurt you
The fact is, Greg lied to you.
He did not lie to me, Dad. He lied to you when I thought you should know the truth.
I love you too much to see you get hurt.
I don't care what your information says, Dad. Greg took the MCATs. Okay?
[Sighs] [Phone Rings]
[Phone Beeps, Man Speaking Asian Dialect]
[Speaking Asian Dialect]
[Man, Jack Speaking Asian Dialect]
[Speaking Asian Dialect]
[Meowing] [Speaking Asian Dialect]
- Oh. - [Cat Meowing]
[Asian Dialect] [Beep]
- [Meowing] - Holy--
- [Meowing] - Shit!
Wah! Whoa! Whoa!
No, no, no. No, no, no.
No! Oh! Oh, my God!
[Jack] All right, everybody. All right, stand back.
- [Screaming] - Stay back. Stay back.
[Shouting, Screaming] Watch out. Watch out!
[Dina] Oh, Jack! Oh, God!
[Larry] We've got a fire! Somebody call right away! Hurry up!
[Dina] Jinxy! Jinxy!
We checked every yard, every car on the street. Nobody's seen him.
He's not up in any of the trees, Jack.
We checked all the bedrooms. Jinx isn't up here.
Yeah, none of the neighbors have seen him either.
You tried to milk him, didn't you, you sick son of a bitch!
Dad, stop it. That's enough.
Honey, please calm down. How can I calm down...
if we're minutes away from the wedding rehearsal and the ring bearer's missing?
Whoa. What do you mean, "the ring bearer"? Your daddy didn't tell you?
He taught Jinx to walk down the aisle with this little pillow.
Oh, no. No, you didn't, Dad.
Yeah, yeah. You put this around the neck, and these ribbons are for the rings.
[Bob] That's adorable, Jack. Oh, for Chris sakes!
That's great, Dad. Yeah, but now we have to postpone the rehearsal.
Bob, you ride with me. Larry, you come with your car.
We're gonna canvass the neighborhood. Dee, ask O'Boyle to wait.
If we're not back in an hour, we'll reschedule the rehearsal for the morning.
Jack! No! We cannot cancel the rehearsal for some stupid cat!
Stupid cat? How could you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you!
We're supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?
- D-Dad, Greg'll find him. - What?
- Yeah, what? - [Dina] Oh, that's wonderful.
Fine. Fine. Okay. Denny?
- Denny? Denny? Denny! - Dad, I'm right here.
Yoo-hoo. Okay. You're gonna fill in as the ring bearer for now.
- No. I'm not wearin' that stupid pillow thing on my head. - Oh, yes, you damn well will!
Jinx! Jinx! Here, Jinx.
You just go and wander the streets without food, water or toilet? Fucker!
[Cat Meowing, Dogs Barking]
Actually, you may be in luck. They brought in a Himalayan a little while ago.
[Gasps] There he is.
Holyshit, that's Jinx.
Jinxy! Uh, no, let me see that photo again.
You gotta picture him without that stupid Santa cap.
Come on, Jinxy. Jinxy! Uh, no.
You see, in the picture, your cat has an all-black tail.
Yeah. And this one has a white tip.
No, I'm sorry about that, chief.
Looks just like him. Almost.
Except for that tail.
[Chain Saw Buzzing]
Dearly beloved-- [Tree Crashing, Workers Shouting]
[Father O'Boyle] Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here on this beautiful day...
to join Dr. Robert Banks--
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this beautiful day...
to join Dr. Robert Banks and Debra Byrnes in holy matrimony.
This is a special day--
He found him! Yea!
It's him! It's him!
[Bob] I gotta see this.
Look, Dad, it's Jinx. Oh, my little baby!
We found you. We found you. Greg, thank you so much. This is so great.
[Dina] Where did you find him? Gave us a little scare, huh?
For once in my life I got someone who needs me
To Greg. Hooray!
[Dina] Honey, where is Greg, anyway? He's in the restroom.
Yes, I tried there. I've tried every shelter on the north shore, okay?
He's a brown-and-black Himalayan with an all-black tail.
Mr. Jinx. Yeah, okay. You go check. I'll call you back.
It's the man of the hour. Hey!
Sorry, folks. Had to pay a little visit to the urinal fairy.
Greg, nice work with the cat today.
Aw, thanks, Jack. I'm just glad I could help out.
We never did get to finish that little "convo" back at the den.
So, when you have a minute, there is still something I'd like to talk to you about.
We'll get right to it as soon as we get back. You have my word.
I'm gonna hold you to that. Circle of trust.
Guess who's back in the circle of trust.
Pull the string and I'll wink at you
I'm your puppet
Look at Jack! Whoa! [Laughing]
Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.
Maybe I should ask him to dance. What do you think?
Sure. I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you.
[Chuckles] I'm serious.
I saw some beech wood outside. He's very handy. [Laughing]
He's an extremely handy and crafty craftsman.
I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but--
Come on. Seriously. Seriously. Part of you wishes you ended up with him.
Yes, he's very talented,
but it would've never worked out.
I was never in love with Kevin.
I'm in love with you.
That's a good explanation. Think so?
Mm-hmm. Thought you'd like that.
I do. I'm glad.
No, Jinx. Mr. Jinx. I called you like half an hour ago.
Okay, I already-- I already described it. Airline.
Uh, it's, uh-- It's brown...
with a little bit of black trim.
Yes. [Line Ringing]
[Mechanized Voice] Please enter your four-digit code.
Jack, hi. It's Hank MacAtee from next door.
You'll never guess who wandered over here this afternoon. Mr. Jinx.
Yeah, he's not wearing his collar, but, uh, I'm sure it's Jinxy.
Thought you might be worried, so just give me a jingle when you guys get home,
and I'll bring the little rascal over.
Okay, well, if you could just keep checking, please, and I'll call you back later. Thanks.
- [Sighing] - Any luck?
No, they're still looking.
Hey, Jack, this is a great party.
I guess sometimes these things sort of come together in their own kooky sort of way.
Yeah, it's kind of like the way you found Jinxy.
- You found him at that animal shelter, huh? - Uh-huh. Yeah, right.
- Well, the important thing is he's home now. - Yes.
Yeah. You know, there's something about that ball of fur...
that just puts a big smile on my face.
Mm. Yeah. You haven't seen any of his latest tricks, have you?
Well, when we get back, I'll show you.
We don't have to do it tonight. He's had a long day. He's probably tired.
I wouldn't want to-- No, I think he'd like to show you tonight.
Why don't you give me the key and let me drive?
Hey, Larry. You know what? Why don't I drive?
Oh. It's a very expensive car. Good idea.
I've always wanted to test-drive a Benz.
Be my guest, Focker.
- Hey, sweetie, what are you doing? - Larry said I could drive.
Let's go. Hurry, hurry. All right. Bye, guys.
[Pam] See you. [Linda] Thanks for driving.
[Engine Roaring, Tires Screeching]
Drives a little better than your Taurus, huh, Greg?
Come on. Get in the car, honey. Let's go. Hurry up.
[Tires Screeching] Whoa, Nellie!
[Larry] Everybody comfortable back there?
You're a real wild man at that wheel there.
[Larry] You got your seat belts on back there? Get your seat belts on.
Oh, Jesus, Focker!
You're driving like a maniac! Focker,
Benz drives like a dream, Lar. Let's not
Oh, there's Jack.
Hey, Jackie. [Engine Rumbling]
- [Engine Rumbles Louder] - Wanna play, Pops? Let's play.
[Engine Rumbling, Roaring]
[Linda] Okay, now, Greg? Greg?
- [Linda] Greg, no! - [Larry] Whoa! Oh! Oh!
Is everything okay, honey?
Yeah, just trying to make good time. Oh.
What the heck is the matter with you?
All right. We're gonna be home. We're gonna get home.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's not the autobahn. Come on, Greg!
[Linda] Maybe you should drive after all, honey. We're okay.
Oh, no. No, please.
Yes! [Bob] Jack just turned.
You were supposed to make that left at the light,
[Debbie] I think I'm gonna be sick.
[Denny] Where does he think he's going?
[Bob] Home, home, home. [Debbie] What a fun ride.
Who gave him the keys? [Laughing]
Okay, we're out. Yeah, we've had enough excitement.
[Larry] I wonder if he has a license.
[Bob] Yeah, a license to kill.
[Pam] Come on, everybody.
[Bob] Hey, nice driving, Mario!
You're a lunatic! [Chattering, Laughing]
Come on, Linda!
[Larry] Hey, hey! [Dina Laughing]
- [Larry] What in the world-- - [Debbie] Oh, my--
- [All Talking At Once] - Oh, the dress!
It was the cat! Goddamn you!
Dad, Dad-- Dad! Dad! Jinx, I'm gonna--
- [Shrieking] - Calm down!
- Where's the cat? - [Bob] Cat got out! Cat got out, Jack!
[Sniffing] You spray-painted his tail...
to make him look like Jinxy, didn't you, Focker?
Greg, what's he talking about?
Hank MacAtee called me a couple of hours ago and told me he found Jinxy.
He took his collar and put it on an impostor.
Then he spray-painted his tail, and then he tried to beat us back here...
so that he could get rid of the evidence.
Please tell me that's not true, Greg.
It was just a temporary solution until I could find the real Jinx.
[Sighing] How could you do something like that?
- I'm sorry. - What are you going to tell me next?
That you set Kevin's altar on fire? [Nervous Chuckle]
Oh, my God.
Well, it wasn't intentional. I was chasing Jinx up onto the roof.
I had a smoke, and I think I might have lit something that--
I don't know what happened. He put so much goddamn lacquer on that thing.
It was an accident waiting to happen.
This is very disappointing, Greg.
Get out of my house, Focker, and take your friend with you.
So you lied to me about everything, huh, Greg?
You lied about the cat, about the fire, about the MCATs.
I didn't lie about the MCATs. Don't you see what's happening here?
- Your dad has totally turned you against me. - I didn't turn her against you.
You did that to yourself.
Jack, please. You didn't like me from the second I walked in here.
I'm a very accepting person, Focker.
All I ask for is honesty.
You wanna talk about truth and honesty, Jack?
Okay, let's talk a little truth and honesty.
Let's talk a little "Operation Ko Samui," Jack.
What's he talking about, Dad?
Yeah, that's weird, 'cause I thought there weren't any secrets...
inside the circle of trust, Jack.
I don't know what you're talking about. You don't? Huh?
What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?
Hey, Pam, guess what.
Daddy's planning a little covert operation in Thailand for the day after the wedding.
Round and round we go, Jack. Hey.
I bet everybody would love to hear about your rendezvous...
in the parking lot of the Oyster Bay Drug and Sundry.
You know what I'm talking about. Where the guy gave you the passports and the documents.
Or how about your little phone call in Thai?
[Scoffs] Jack can't talk Thai. Oh, no, Dina.
Jack can talk Thai. Jack talk Thai very well.
I'm sorry, Pam, but your dad is not retired.
He's still very much in the C.I.A.
Daddy. What-- He's right.
He's right. [Stammering] My cover's blown.
I-l-I am planning...
a secret operation the day after the wedding.
- What? - A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob.
You stupid son of a bitch! You just blew it!
Ko Samui is an island off the coast of Thailand!
That guy I was meeting in the parking lot is Thor Svenson, my travel agent.
- He was giving me their visas. - [Gasping]
Wow, Thailand. Thanks a lot, J.B. That's something.
Don't mention it. I just, um--
You know, if this nursing thing doesn't work out, Focker,
I'd say you definitely have a career in espionage.
Well, I guess I'm gonna go to the airport now.
I guess you're gonna stay here.
- Gaylord M. Focker? - Gaylord? Gaylord?
Yeah, that's me.
- I thought your name was Greg. - It is.
That's not what it says on the form. I know.
It's my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since I was in third grade.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. So your name's Gay Focker?
Denny. I'm sorry. It's just it's not
Come on. Now look what you've done. Oh, P-Pammy.
[Denny] Don't-- Don't go away.
You're in luck. There is room.
And without a Saturday stay-over, that fare difference will be...
$ . .
Would you want me to book you the seat? Okay. All right.
Did you want to check any bags today?
We should be all right with only one usher, don't you think?
I'm not so sure, Jack.
Thought you might like to see this.
- How did you get this? - Oh, I have my sources too.
I called Gaylord, a.k.a. Greg's parents in Detroit.
They saved his SAT scores too, in case you're interested.
Oh, honey. It-- That doesn't matter if he did well on some test.
What does that prove? Look at this place!
He almost destroyed the wedding because he lied!
I love you, Dad,
but you can be a real jerk sometimes.
So what if he took the MCATs? He's still not good enough for Pam.
Who is, Jack?
Nobody has ever been good enough for your Pam.
I mean, do you realize that you never even warmed up to Kevin until she broke up with him?
Maybe it's time you think about what Pam wants.
Greg, it's me.
I'm sure you're in the air by now,
so I guess you'll just get this when you get home.
Listen, I am so sorry.
I acted like a complete idiot,
and I hope that you can forgive me.
I mean, I-I don't care about the fire or the cat or--
I mean, I can't believe you actually spray-painted a cat.
That's actually really gross, but th-the point is that--
that I understand why you did it, and--
and I love you.
I want you to know that I really-- I really, really love you, and, uh--
When you get this, will you please call me?
Marty, listen, I need a commercial flight I.D. scan.
Interstate from New York La Guardia to Chicago.
Four-hour sweeps, backwards and forwards.
Last name: Foxtrot, Oscar, Charlie, Kilo, Echo, Romeo.
First name: Golf, Alpha, Yankee, Lima--
Gaylord Focker on Atlantic American flight departs : .
: ? Twenty-three minutes. Thanks. Affirmative.
Enjoy your flight. Thanks.
Oh, I'm sorry. We're only boarding rows nine and above right now. You'll have to wait.
Well, I'm in row eight.
Please step aside, sir.
It's just one row. Don't you think it's okay if l--
We'll call your row momentarily.
Step aside, sir.
Thank you for waiting. We'd like to continue boarding the aircraft now.
We're now boarding all rows, please. All remaining rows.
Mm-hmm. Enjoy your flight.
Okay, where's the fire, huh?
[Woman] Will you hand me that pillow over there?
- I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that. - I got it.
No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit. No, I'm not-- Hey.
- I'm not checking my bag, okay? - There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay?
I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline, you suck at checking bags.
Because I already did that once, and you lost it,
and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me.
Okay? I can assure you that your bag...
will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.
Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage?
Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane?
Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?
- No. - No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole...
and listen to me when I say that lam finished...
with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!
Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we--
Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay?
It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.
- Sir! - I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.
- Sir, sir-- - If you would take a second...
and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears,
maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings,
and all I have to do is do what I wanna do!
All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you!
The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now...
and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers.
Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it.
Okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Get off of me! Get off of me!
You got him? Yeah. Ow!
Hey. Hey! You can't leave your vehicle unattended. Tow it.
I've got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.
I was not threatening her. I was trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing.
You were acting like a maniac, and you threatened her with a bomb!
- I said I didn't have a bomb! - You said "bomb."
- I said, "It's not like I have a bomb." - You said "bomb" on an airplane.
- What's wrong with saying "bomb" on an airplane? - You can't say "bomb."
Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb! You gonna arrest me?
- You assaulted an airline employee-- - What if I was a bombardier?
- I got enough to put you away for a few years! - Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb!
- I got enough to put you away for a few years! - Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb!
Norm. Take five. We got a specialist here.
Oh, shit. How'd you get here?
I'm everywhere, Focker.
I didn't do anything, Jack.
Yeah, I know. Well, then tell these guys that I'm not a terrorist.
Listen, Focker. I'm not gonna tell anybody anything until you answer some questions.
Unless you want to spend the next couple of years of your life in prison,
you better goddamn well tell me the truth.
No more lies. You understand? No more lies.
Did you do this? Just answer the questions.
Did you have me taken off of that airplane? Just answer the question.
Put your hands over there. That's it.
You're sick, you know that?
Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
Yes. Are you a male nurse?
Yes. Are you a pothead?
No. Have you ever smoked pot?
Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Yes. Because you love my daughter Pam?
Yes. Do you wanna marry her?
Do you want to marry her?
I did, until I met you.
What does that mean?
I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything.
But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law.
This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts...
about whether or not I could even survive in your family.
I think you've got some serious issues.
If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Would you lighten up a lot?
- Yeah. - Yes or no?
- Yes. - Would you let me and Pam...
Live our lives and not interfere all the time?
I promise not interfere in your lives all the time.
Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
-Jack, yes or no? - Ever?
- No! - Okay, yes.
Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Don't push it, Focker.
You're in a real mess.
If you married my daughter, would you support her...
in the way that she deserves to be supported?
- Yes. - Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
will you be my son-in-law?
[Door Hinge Creaking]
I thought you were going back to Chicago?
Yeah, well, we had a little plane trouble.
Plus, your dad caught up with me at the airport.
No. Don't worry.
It's okay. We worked out a lot of our issues.
You and my dad worked out a lot of your issues? Mm-hmm.
Yeah. First he gave me his little human lie detector thing, but I passed.
then he proposed.
Are you feeling all right?
Listen. This weekend was a nightmare.
I had this whole elaborate plan, and then...
somewhere between giving your sister a black eye...
and setting the house on fire, it kind of went off track.
I just-- I love you. I love you so much.
[Greg Speaking, Indistinct]
I think he's about to do it, Jack.
Come on, honey. Give 'em some privacy.
...and I think if we can get through...
what we got through in the last hours, we could get through anything.
I think so too.
And, Greg, I don't-- Wait. Hang on a second.
Mr. Jinx? Mew, mew, mew, mew.
Mew, mew, mew, mew.
[Gasps] That's a ring.
I like to think of it as a little circle of trust.
- Will you marry me? - Yes.
That "circle of trust" thing? That's mine.
Well, looks like we got another wedding to plan.
Yep. Just gotta do one more thing. What's that?
Meet his parents.
Jack-- Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful,
Good night, Jack.
I mean, they'd have to be, right, to name their son Gaylord Focker.
[Father O'Boyle] Do you, Debra Byrnes, take Robert Banks...
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
[Debbie] Yes. I mean, I do.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
[Guests Applauding, Cheering]
Let's just see if you really can flush the toilet, Jinxy.
["Puff, the Magic Dragon" Plays On Radio]
- [Toilet Flushing] - I knew it.
Oh! Shit! [Jiggling Handle]
- I knew it. - Damn it!
That's my future son-in-law. What do you think?
Oh, look at that. Nice Jack. Hi.
What's that, Jack? What?
You're a big, bad C.I.A. man, huh?
Did they teach you that in the C.I.A.? They teach you that?
Oh, yeah. What's that, Jack?
What? Yeah, you thought Puff was just the name of the boy's magical dragon? Uh-huh.
Not too quick on the uptake, huh, Jack?
Why don't you ask Denny who's puffin' the magic dragon? Not onto that one, huh?
Surprising for a big C.I.A. pulse detector.
Ooh. Hey, hey, check my pulse on this question, Jack.
Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.
What? Oh, you like my little gift?
What? The Jerusalem what?
What? I can't hear you. Jerusalem toodle-oo-poosey, poosley-loo?
What? What? Oh, you don't now shit about flowers.
What's that? You want me to what?
You have another question? Sure. I got one question for you.
It's can you deal with that?
[Handy Newman] When you're a fool in love
Seems like the skies are always gray
You turn around There's someone in your way
And it's you And you're in love
Never another spring for you
Never a roin to sing for you
You're out there on your own
When you're a fool in love
[Woman Singing In French]
[Woman Continues Singing In French]
[Newman] Never another spring for you
[Woman Sings In French]
[Newman] You're out there on your own
[Newman Woman] When you're a fool in love