Meet Wally Sparks Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Meet Wally Sparks script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Rodney Dangerfield movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Meet Wally Sparks. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Meet Wally Sparks Script






Senator Bob Dole says...



trash TV is the beachhead

of controversy...



infinity backs

shock jock Howard Stern...



get this garbage

off the air...



declined to comment on

the TV censorship issue...



continues his attack

on TV talk shows...



Howard Stern...



take the trash out

of talk television...



demeaning, exploitative,

perverted, divisive...



What a great audience.

Welcome to the Show.



I have a very unusual guest today.



Cowboy Phil and his pig...



Wild, weird, and wacky...



He insisted that he

come dressed in drag.






As a woman, I am fierce!



I don't believe this!



We're discussing the problem

of nudity on television.



They just got back from Las Vegas,



and they lost their shirt.



They lost their shirt.

Make them happy.



What is going on?



OK, ladies and gentlemen,



the talk show host you love to hate...



Wally Sparks!



Meet... Wally... Sparks!







Wally! Wally! Wally!



Hey, what a crowd!

What a crowd!



I tell you, I'm all right now,



but this morning I was

in rough shape, you know?



Yeah, this morning I did

my pushups in the nude.



I didn't see the mousetrap.



Today I saved a girl

from being attacked.



I changed my mind.



Honey, if you are just joining

this show, sit down!



Right now, folks, we're

going to start our show



with a segment called

"It's hard to believe."



Or as my ex-wife used to say,



"I can't believe it's hard."



What the hell does he think

he's doing out there?



Come on, girl, hold still.



One more complaint from the F.C.C.,



and he's history.



I mean, she was a wild girl...



a very wild girl!




How wild, Wally?



When she made me French toast,



her tongue got caught

in the toaster!






I mean, a wild girl!



In fact, when I met her,



she was doing pushups

in her cucumber garden.



Hey, at least this isn't

The Wally Sparks Show.



I'd like to have all the girls

Wally turned down.



Yeah? I'd like to have all

the girls you turned over.



Ha ha ha!




Our guests today all live far

beyond the borders of normalcy.




I'd like you to meet...



the man who has fallen in love

with the family dog...



Harry Karp and Queenie.



No wonder all the critics are saying



talk shows are going to the dogs.



How did all this happen?



Last week he bought her this.



A collar with     -carat diamonds.



In all the years

that we were married,



he never bought me

anything like that!



Well, honey, maybe you're

not doing the right tricks.



What am I supposed to do,

sit up and beg?



It's better than rolling

over and playing dead



for the past    years.



Oh, you're impossible!



And he's says

you're being a dog, too.



How long do you think



that a relationship

like this will last?



In dog years?



Calmly and without swearing...



I hope that little bitch

gives you rabies!



I told you never to call her that!



Please, folks, settle down!









Everybody calm down!



No fighting!






Get her off me!



Get a dog-catcher!



Get the security guys.






Not another fight!



Ha ha ha!

Jeez, Wally!



Wally Sparks?



I'll tell you what I think

about Wally Sparks!



Wally Sparks,

Wally Sparks...



What do I think about Wally Sparks?



Wally Sparks is a pain in the ass.



Wally Sparks is still on TV?



He's still alive?



I thought those were just reruns.



Siskel and Ebert caught my show.



They gave me one finger up.



He's a Has-Been! He's a Never-Was!

He's a Wannabe!



He doesn't behave properly.



Obnoxious, overbearing idiot.



The only trouble is,

I'm sitting on top of the world,



and I got hemorrhoids.



I like him, though, actually.



I've seen him in a bathrobe,




Wally Sparks is an idiot...



and he's a lousy lay, too.



I think men like that

should be locked up.



Don't go away...



We'll be right... back.



Stay tuned...

when we come back...



we're gonna teach you married men



how to look at another woman's ass



without your wife noticing it, OK?



When we come back!






You know, folks, lately,

we're getting a lot of flak



from some of our conservative

affiliates down South,



especially in Atlanta.



In fact, Governor Floyd Preston

of Georgia



recently sent me a letter



telling me what he thinks of the show.



Here's the letter.



Governor Preston says,

"As a devoted family man,"



he feels that The Wally Sparks Show



"defies conventional family morals."



He says I'm not dignified



and "not suitable for public consumption."



Well, Governor Preston,

let me tell you this.



I've been consumed

by the public many times,



and once in a while,

even engulfed by some.



And you talk about family dignity?



Well, Governor, I looked up

your family tree,



and   dogs were using it.



Governor Preston's family's

always been mixed up.



Why, in the Civil War,

his great-grandfather,



he fought for the West.



I hate that man.



Now, Governor, don't you worry.



I seriously doubt if

any of your supporters



watch that trash,

and I'm quite sure



it will not affect the vote.



Damn! Harvey, I didn't write

that letter to get votes.



I wrote it because as

a concerned father and husband,



I do not want my family

or my state or my country



affected by that

media hog Wally Sparks!



I--I understand that, sir.



[Telephone rings]

I'm simply saying--



Hell! If I had my way,

the man would be banned



from the Western

Hemisphere altogether.



This is the Governor.






Baby doll!



Daddy, I just wanted

to let you know



that even though some of

these demented lowerclassmen



think this Wally Sparks is funny,



I find the man



a complete and total abomination.




Says Sparks is an abomination.



And I'm proud that you

sent that letter



to that dreadful man.



If he can even read.




Yeah. I don't know.



Honey, I hope you know

how disappointed we all are



that you can't make it

down here for the big bash.



Well, if I'm ever going to

fill that Governor's chair



when you become Senator,

I'd better finish my thesis.



By God, darling,

you're starting to sound



like a politician already.



I love you, daddy.



You, too, baby doll.



You come home as soon as you can,

now, you hear?






She says she's not entirely

sure Sparks can read.



Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!



What you got there?



Um, well, sir--



Floyd, Harvey, I thought you

gentlemen might like some tea.



There you go.



Thank you, Emily.



Now, shall I pour?



That would be lovely.



No, thank you, dear.



No, thank you, Mrs. Preston.



Oh, well, all right, then.






I'm afraid the polls are very bad.



Oh, isn't that a shame?



And they're such lovely people.



I forgot the spoons.



I'm going to run in

the kitchen and get them.



No, dear, we'll be fine.



Oh, but, darling,

how will you stir your tea?



Thank you.



I'll be leaving now.



All right, if you gentlemen

need anything else, now,



you just feel free to call.



Thank you, Emily.



Actually, we'd rather

not be disturbed.



Oh, yes, of course.



As you wish, Floyd.

As you wish.



[Doors close]



She's quite a woman, sir.



In your next campaign spot,



we want to portray the Prestons



as your typical

normal American family.



Now, the question is,



can I eat this banana

and still be a gentleman?



What do you think, huh?




I say go for it, Wally!






What's going on here?



You boys realize what time--



How many times have I told you



not to watch this moronic show?



You do this just to gall me,

don't you?



Come on, dad, it's almost over,



and Wally's totally awesome!



And totally unsuitable

for children!




Leave that off, young man!



Listen to me!



Robby-- That's it!



You're grounded for one week.



You can forget about coming

to my party Saturday night.



[Wally voice]

Oh, Governor, I'm crushed.



Your dad's pissed.






Wait till he sees who I

invited to his stupid party.



Hey, I'm talking about

a wild girl here.



All: How wild, Wally?



I mean wild!



When she licked the stamp,

Elvis started smiling.






Well, that's it, folks.



I'll see you Monday,

when our topic will be...



"Sex after    years of marriage...



should the wife know about it?"



But just remember, folks...



every man has his tale of woe.



Unfortunately, in life,

there's more woe than tale.






And... clear.



That was a great show.



I got to go talk to Wally.









Dean! Hey, what a surprise!



Hey, did you see the show?

Pretty crazy, huh?



Crazy's a good way to describe it.




Listen, I just wanted

to remind you,



the band's playing down

at the cellar door



in the village this weekend.



I'll be there.

Are you kidding?



Wild horses couldn't keep me away.



Unless they're at the track.



No, I promise you,

I'll be there, OK?



How are you guys doing?



Great. Great.



Our manager thinks we're

ready for the big-time.



Big-time, huh?

Hey, watch out for managers.



I had a manager once.



He booked me so far out in the woods,



my act was reviewed

in Field and Stream.



Hey, have a bite to eat.



Come on, we'll have a bite to eat.



Oh, you know, I got this--

I got this appointment.




At this hour, huh?



Do me a favor, will you?



When you get to the good parts,

think of me, OK?



Here, you need some bread?



- Oh, no, I'm OK.

- You're sure?



Dad, you don't have to

support the whole world, OK?



See you this weekend.



Wally, Miller's on the warpath again.



We gotta get out of here.



Sandy, do you think my kid likes me?



Dean? Of course.




I don't know.

Sometimes I get the feeling



he don't respect what I do.



Oh, come on.

What's not to respect?



I mean, how many kids

can say their father



can eat a banana between

a woman's breasts, huh?



Huh. You got a point there.



In fact, you got   points there.



Come on.



Wally, this special delivery

came for you today.



- Yeah?

- Yeah.



Well, what's this,



another hate letter from

that Governor in Georgia?



No. It's an invitation

to the campaign ball.



Ha! Look at that.

It's      bucks a head.



Go to Atlanta to see a bunch

of stiffs? No, thanks.



The only stiff I want

to see is when I'm naked.



Well, Mr. Degenerate.



I see you managed to put on

another fiasco tonight.



You know, Miller,



you're the only white guy

I know with a brown nose.



Very good.

Laugh it up, funny man,



but you lost another sponsor tonight,



and Mr. Spencer just downed

a year's supply of prozac.



He wants to see you in his office.






Hello, Wally.



Good to see you.



You know what this is?



Yeah. A healthy girl

laying on her back.







No, it's a history

of your ad revenue report.



Notice there's a lot

of peaks and valleys.



A lot more valleys than peaks



because your show has evolved

into a parade of freaks,



a carnival for the unfortunate,



a tits-and-ass burlesque show.




Oh, but the fans love it!






Well, the sponsors hate it.



They hate it.



What, is there an echo here?



We've been through this before,




many times.



It's my job to keep

the sponsors happy,



and they're not happy, so...



your show is coming to an end.






You're going to cancel us?



Oh, come on, we can work it out.



Not this time, Wally.



I'm sorry.



Wait a second!

Wait a second!



Excuse me, Mr. Spencer,



But this is bullshit!



And we all know that if it

wasn't for Wally Sparks,



None of us would be here right now.



I mean, the man's a friggin' pioneer.



He invented tabloid talk format



and made this network

what it is today.



I did that?



How dare you talk

to Mr. Spencer that way!



Mr. Spencer is responsible

for this network's success,



and no one else.



Why, he is a programming genius.



Shut up.




Next week are ratings sweeps.



Let us book some real

big names on the show



and change the show's format.



I'm afraid it's too late.

It's beyond repair.



Totally beyond repair.






Yes, sir?



I want you to go over there

in the corner,



face the wall, and count to    .



But, sir--



Make it    .



Yes, sir.












Mr. Spencer, you

and Wally go way back.



You owe him one.



You're right.



We do go back a long way.



A long way.



All right, Wally,

I'll give you another week,



but I want a total transformation.



Oh, you got it!



Thanks, Spence. I take back

everything I said about you.



Thank you, Mr. Spencer.









You can't be serious about

giving him another chance.



Sparks is an embarrassment

to the network.



I want to give him the benefit

of going out with a fight.



But, sir, I really don't think--



No, you don't, Miller.

Everyone says that about you.



You know, that girl was

right about Wallace Sparks.



We go back a long way.



I mean, there's a code of ethics



among old friends

in the broadcasting business



that you young punks

wouldn't understand.



It's about loyalty and respect.



OK, fine. Fine.

What if he fails?



He's out on his ass.



"Mr. Degenerate."




"Totally beyond repair."



Hey, I got a bootleg tape

of that hot new porno queen



I was telling you about.



She'd make a great

guest on the show.



Where is she?



She'll be up in a minute.



More of Joey's home movies?



I thought this was supposed

to be a staff meeting.



In a minute.

We're busy here.



All right, Joey,

book her on the show.



You haven't even seen her yet.



How do you know if

she's the right girl?



She's the right girl.



That is it!



This is our asses on the line.



If we don't clean up our act,



we're all going to lose our jobs.




From now on, no more porno stars,



and no more stupid shows



with alien lesbian

Elvis impersonators.



I thought that was

one of our best shows!



When, Robby, when are

you going to grow up?



When I was your age,



I went to school,

and I held down a job.



And you didn't have any Nintendo...



and you had to walk   miles

every day without any shoes--



And I respected my elders.



And I respected my elders!



That's because your daddy

put you in military school.



Our family has attended

that fine institution



ever since our great-great-




Colonel Bufford Preston

founded that school!




We're ready now.



I'm not going to that stupid school.



Mom, tell him!



Mom, tell him he is going.



Floyd, perhaps if you

spent some time with him,



I mean, he needs your guidance.



He needs what my daddy

used to give me.



A good old-fashioned

kick in the aspidistra!










How do you do?

I'm Governor Floyd Preston.



I'm here at home

with my wonderful family.



I'd like you to meet

my charming wife Emily.



I'm sorry that our daughter

Priscilla can't be with us.



She's away at school studying hard



to one day follow in the great

Preston family tradition.



And over here is our fine son Robby.



The Preston family name



has always stood for good,

wholesome American values,



So, remember...



a vote for Floyd Preston

is a vote for family.











Look, you'd better come up

with something quick,



or we're going to end up like this guy.






Hey, Wally, I could

use a little change.



Yeah? Why don't you try Paris, huh?



Here, take this.

Go ahead.




Over here!



Sorry, lady.



Hey, taxi!



Hey, you're Wally Sparks.

I'm your biggest fan.



Hey, how you doing?



Uh, we're in a hurry.

Take us to Soho.



You got it, lady.



Hey, look at that!

Wally Sparks! Hey, hey!



Driver: Let's go here!

What is this?






Hey, Wally, my name is Tony.



I can't believe you're here.



Wait'll I tell the guys

I had you in my cab.



Hey, Tony, first of all,

you never had me...



Ha ha ha!

You kill me!



And if you did have me,

it wouldn't be in a cab.



This guy kills me!

He kills me!



Hey, Wally...



I went out with a girl

last night,



and, boy, was she ugly.



Oh, go ahead.

How ugly, huh?



She went to the plastic surgeon,



he added a tail!



Ha ha ha!

All right.



Uh, Tony, don't lose

your hack license, huh?



Oh ho ho!



Wally, Spencer says he wants

a total transformation, OK?



That means we got to have

more newsworthy guests.



Tonight is Governor Preston's

campaign ball



down in Atlanta.



Listen to what he wrote you.



He says here he's sorry

about the letter he sent you,



and he's actually a really big fan



and thinks it would be "awesome"

to meet you in person.



He said "awesome"?



No kidding.



Yeah. Maybe we could get him

to be a guest on the show.



Think of it--



"Moral majority Governor

meets Wally Sparks."



Oh, Sandy, come down to earth,

will you?



The Governor, he's not

going to do my show.



Oh, come on,

what have we got to lose?



You know, let's go

down there and find out.



Yeah, Wally. Why don't you

go down and find out?



You think I should go, huh?







What am I asking him for, huh?



I don't know about Atlanta.

I don't want to go.



Oh, come on, Wally,

don't go soft on me.



Ooh, I hate when a woman

says that to me.



OK, Atlanta, here we come, all right?



You talked me into it.



We'll get there faster if we walk.



Thanks a lot for being in my cab.



Take care of yourself, huh?



See you later.



Go get 'em, baby!









Hey, this is some joint, huh?



Yeah. We're in the South.



Good evening.



Wally Sparks and guest.



Sir, are you aware this

is a black-tie affair?



Oh, indubitably.



This way, please.



All right, buddy.

Take that, all right?



And get me some grey poupon, huh?



Here, hold my purse, would you?






Thank you.






Oh, a bit of the bubbly.



OK, Sandy, what's the plan?



First, give me back my purse.



Come here.



I snuck in your video camera.



Look, I cut a hole in my purse.



We can shoot tape

without anybody knowing.



You go find the Governor,

warm up to him,



and ask him about appearing

on the show, OK?



Who knows what kind of juicy

stuff we're going to get?



I'm beginning to feel like



a real investigative journalist.



Well, good.



I'll be at the bar

investigating Jack Daniels.



Oh, Emily, you look so fine.



I can't believe it.



Let's get that photo

right over here.



Let's look right over this way.



Ha ha ha!



Hey, bartender, give me

a double anything



on the double, will you?



Wally Sparks!



What are you doing

at this square affair?



Oh, I came here to spread joy.



If I can find her.



Ha ha ha!



Hey, have you seen the Governor,




I haven't, but check

this action out.



Passion punch.



Hey, what's your name?






You're a cute chick.



Hey, Lola,



how about letting me

be the rooster?



Why don't you go pluck yourself?



Oh, you got a quick tongue.



That'll get you into trouble.



Or get her out of trouble.



Hoo, you bad, Wally!



What kind of work you do, hon?



I'm an actress.



Let's get together.



Maybe I can further your career.



I don't believe in casual sex.



Hey, it won't be casual.



I'll keep my tie on.



Enjoy yourself.









Randal. So glad you could come.



I wouldn't miss this

for the world.



You have my support    %.



I can't tell you how happy

that makes me to hear.



I hope we can count

on you for your support



for the development



of the new Civil War

Theme park.



My problem there is you

want to put that park



on a protected historical landmark.



I know, I know, but it's going to mean



millions and millions of revenue



for the state, Floyd.



The party is counting on you

to do the right thing.



Well, first I have to

do right by this party.



Can we chat about it later, gentlemen?






Talk to you soon. Bye.






[Raucous laughter]



Hey, boys, you want

to have some laughs?



Take a porno movie

and run it backwards.



That way you see the hooker

give back the money.



Once in D.C.,



we will remember who

our friends are, hmm?



Oh! Oh...



I'm so sorry...



Oh, th-that's quite all right.



I was due a fresh one anyway.



Oh, wait. Here, let me get that.




Oh, I think it's coming out.






Oh, don't worry,

it's just a little one.



Ha! Um... yes.



Oh... the stain.



I don't think anyone's

going to notice, huh?



I'm Harvey Bishop,



the Governor's campaign manager.



You are?



Well, hello!

Hello there.



Floyd, Floyd,



did you see that strange man



that was bothering us?



What strange man

are you talking about?



He's wearing a red jacket

with fireworks on it.



No. What happened?



Find him.



Agent Cameron. Look, please

find a guest, red jacket.



Check out here, will you?



Yes, my husband is

the Canadian ambassador.



You're from Canada, huh?

What a place, Canada!



They started a country,

and nobody showed up, huh?



I'm just kidding, folks.



I'm Wally Sparks.



Maybe you've seen

my television show.



Well, we don't watch

much American television.



Oh, that's too bad.

I heard in Canada



they only have sex doggie style.



That way, you can both

watch the hockey game.



Ha ha!



Ooh! Ah! Oh...



Do me a favor, will you?



Scratch my back, right back there.



I got an itch right there, huh?



Over here--

Will you get it?



I've tried everything

to lose weight,



but just   more weeks

on this cabbage diet,



and my dietitian told me

I'll have the body



of a   -year-old, heh heh heh!



I know.

I'm so excited!



Oh, lady, stay right there,

will you?



Oh, that's the spot!






Oh! Too much!

Yeah! Yeah!






Oh, that's the spot!






Oh, honey, oh, I'll marry you!



Oh, I'll marry the dress,

whatever you want.






Get over here!



Excuse me,

I'll be right back.



What's happening?



How did he get in here?



Wally Sparks?



You got it, honey,

a trip to Puerto Rico,



whatever you want.



You're a genius.

Oh! Yeah!



Surely his name wasn't

on the guest list?



No, sir--






No, sir, no! We do not

want to create a scene.



Let me check the guest list.



Oh, that's it, baby.



Now, stick around, will you?

I may get jock itch.



[Music ends]






Well, it's legit, sir.

Here's his invitation.



How on earth could

this have happened?



I don't know.



[Paper Doll plays]



Hey, you two should find a room.



You two should find a warehouse.






Governor Preston.



It's so nice to see you again.



Why, yes. Hello.



I do hope you'll save a dance

for me for later on.



Why, sure I will.



Mrs. Preston.






Floyd, who was that?



I have no idea.



What a party.



Looks like the unhappy hour.



Hi. You come here often?



Don't worry, honey,

I'm not making a play for you.



I don't want this guy-- Oh!






Oh, I'm sorry.



[Voices approaching]




Good evening, sir.



Hi. Ha ha.



It's, uh...

quite a night, huh?



It certainly is, sir.






[Tiger Rag plays]



Ooh... oh, wow!




How come they're all staring at me?



They must recognize you from the show.



Oh, there's Governor Preston.



Remember, be charming.



Why, don't I look charming?



Oh, God, Harvey,

they're coming this way.



I can see that.



Governor Preston?

I'm Sandy Gallo.



I produce

The Wally Sparks Show.



I'd like you to meet Wally Sparks.



Hey, Governor, how are you, huh?



You don't know how excited

I am to meet you, ha ha!



[Crash, tinkle]






By the way, thanks for the invite.



You got a hell of a shindig

going on here.



How do you do?

I'm Emily Preston--



How do you do, baby?



Hey, Governor, I found out

you're a big fan of mine.



You know, how about doing my show?



I'll fly you to New York,

first-class, nice room.



You want some company,

I'll work that out, too--



What does he mean by company?



I have no idea.

Oh, your friend wants you.



Oh, thanks.

Excuse me.



I need some ice here.



You don't need that, do you, buddy?



OK? Good.




You promised me a dance.



Your timing couldn't be better.



Company. I see.



Wally, there's the Governor's wife.



Why don't you go grab her

and dance with her?



I'll get it on tape.



- Yeah?

- Yeah. Go on.






Hey, buddy, hold that for me.



Emily, baby, come here.



Let's show them how to do it, baby.



Oh, no, thank you--



Ah, come on, you'll enjoy it.



You never told me you

worked for Wally Sparks.



Oh, Harv, there's a lot

of things I've never told you.



I'm a very deep...

caring... sensual...



giving person, you know?



You know what I'd like more

than anything right now?



What's that?



Sex on the beach.



I'll get the car.



Wait a second, honey.



It's just a drink.






- Why don't you get us   OK?

- Yeah.



- Be a doll.

- All right.



All right.



[Tango music playing]









Excuse me.









Senator Floyd Preston. Whoo!

I like the sound of that.



Oh! Oh! Ah!



Hey, who knows?

Someday you could be the first lady.



The question is,



was the Governor the first man?






We met in Savannah

at your campaign rally,



but you probably don't remember.






We both had an awful lot

to drink that night.



You have me confused

with someone else.









Please, sir!









Pardon me.






Oh, my God...







Oh, my big dipper!



Ah-- Oh!



Oh! Oh! Oh!






OK, baby, big finish.

Slap it down.



Ohh... oh!



Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?



Excuse me.



Hey, buddy, I'll take one of those.



Yes, sir.






[Jazzy Liebestraum plays]



Canapé, ma'am?



No, thank you.



...really try

this diet, Diane.



Well, it's a strict vegetarian diet,



but I can eat vegetables, olives,



it absolutely drives my husband crazy



that I won't eat meat anymore.






Emily: Oh, look who it is!

Oh, my God!



Bless your heart for coming, sir.



Governor, great to be here.



Or should I say Senator?



Well, I hope you should.



Could we talk you into

singing for us tonight?



I would love to,



but this throat's

a little sore tonight.







Don't even talk about it.

Say no more.



I'll get you some tea.



Wally Sparks!



Hey, Michael, baby, this is wild.

How are you?



Good to see you.

You know, I tell you, though,



I went out with this girl last week.



She was so ugly,

I took her to the beach,



they wanted to know

what I used for bait.



Hey, Michael,



you're going to sing for us

tonight, aren't you?



Mr. Sparks, we mustn't

impose. Sore throat...



Know what, Wally?

For you, anything.






Folks, uh...



I want to dedicate this song

to a great, great state...



Hear, hear!



and to a very special friend of mine.



The coolest guy I know,



Wally Sparks.



[Music starts]



* Georgia *



* Georgia *



* The whole day through *



* Just an old sweet song *



[Blows nose loudly]



* Keeps Georgia on my mind *
















Wally, come here. Come here!



The camera fell in the punch bowl.



Yeah? Ohh...



...some punch.



Oh, great. Here comes somebody.



I want to see if it's

the right temperature.



Here, put it in the bag.






The punch must've shorted

this thing out.



It could be the TV.



Sometimes with this stuff,



you just have to hit it



and it works, you know?



Hey, look at this.

It says "Screen."



Maybe this'll fix it, huh?



Excuse me just a moment.

I'm sorry.



Oh, sure.



Excuse me, darling,

I'm sorry,



But I think Harvey might be running



a new campaign commercial.



I had no idea



there was going to be

a screen presentation.



Will you excuse me, gentlemen?



Ladies and gentlemen--

Sorry, band? Please.



[Band stops]



Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,



if you'd join us down

at this end of the room,



we're going to show you

a little film presentation.



I hope this will prove to you



that we always try

to use your contributions



in a mature, responsible manner.



[Panting, moaning]



My God, it's a...



Well, I never...



How did this get on there?



I must've taped over Joey's porno.



Floyd, why is that man

in such pain?



Is he one of your supporters?



[Faster breathing]



Hey, here we go.

We got something.



Ha! Thank God.

It's about time.



Now, my wife has tried

every diet on the planet,



and her ass is still as wide

as the Mississippi.






Oh, Helen.



Oh, what a terrible--




Look at this.

The rewind button,



it's stuck!


















Check you out.



Owowoh! Owowoh!

Owowoh! Owowoh!






Harvey! Harvey!






- Here I am.

- Right now.



- Yes, sir.

- Do something now!



- Now, Harvey!

- Yes, sir.



We got nothing.

That tape is ruined.



Ah, so sue me.



OK, back to work.



Come on.

I need a drink.






Isn't he beautiful?






I had to outbid   other buyers.



Worth every penny.



You gonna race 'im, Floyd?



No, no, no.

Not this boy.



I'm putting him out to stud.



Thank you, Nancy, very much.



Folks, they're about to serve dessert.



Why don't we head back on in?



Nancy, come up to

the house for some supper



when you're through.



How are you?






Hey, how are you doing, boy?



So, they're going to

send you out to stud, huh?



Whoa! They'll be flocking

all over you.



I know, it's rude to drink alone,




You thirsty?

I'll take care of that.



Here you are.



Yeah, I know how it is, baby.



I know how it is.

There you go, baby.



OK, here, all you want.






Go ahead.

Hey, have a party.



I promise I won't

take advantage of you.



[Dixie plays]



Now, let's welcome to the stage



our great Governor.



He'll have our respect

and the nation's



as our next United States Senator--



Floyd Preston



and our lovely hostess Emily!



Thank you, thank you so much.




Thank you, Randal.



Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you...



thank you all very much.



I want to thank you

for being here...






and for your many

generous contributions.



I know this has been

a rough campaign,



but I assure you, we will--




No! No!



We will ride on...



to victory--














Get out of the way!






Is that horse too rough for you?



Oh, my God...



Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!



Hey, stop it!

What is this, foreplay?




Don't panic, anybody, please!



Do not tip the valets.



They have already been taken care of.



Wha-what are you doing there, sir?



Whoa! Slow down, will you?




Get off my horse!



Oh, my goodness!



Just... Jericho!



Watch the vermin on your right,




How do you stop this thing?



I need a designated rider.






Oh, my God!



You are desecrating the flag



of the sacred state of--



Governor, look out, will you?



Mr. Sparks, would you mind yourself,




Whoa, boy...



Easy, boy, easy...



Calm yourself, boy. Good lad.




What are you looking at?



Hey, no more for you.



The bar's closed.



Ohh... yeah.



Let's get out of here!









Look out!



He's gonna blow!






Run for your lives!

Drunk horse!



Good night.

Call me.



Hey, I thought we were friends.










I really hate that man.






get down from there.



[Horse snorts]



In a bizarre accident here

at the Governor's mansion,



talk show host Wally Sparks

heroically restrained



a maniacal horse

from injuring the Governor



and his party guests.



The Governor's prize

thoroughbred Jericho



was not seriously injured,

b-b-but they say he's...



suffering from a severe hangover.



This ain't going to

hurt you one bit, baby.



All right, grease him up there.



OK, give me that butt grease.



This is stuttering John

reporting to you from Georgia,



and this is freaking disgusting,



and I'm out of here.



Wally Sparks' condition is

still unknown at this time.



Stories are rapidly spreading



that the controversial

TV talkster's injuries



may prove fatal.



He's said to be resting

in the Governor's bedroom.




Oh, honey, I love you.



Baby, I love you, don't fight me.



Do the right thing, now, come on,




Don't fight me.



Do the right thing, will you?

Come on, huh?






Oh, baby, I love you.

Come here, baby...



Hey, Wally, come on, wake up!



Wally, wake up. Hey.



Oh, it's you.



Yeah. You all right?



Boy, I really poured one on.



Yeah, you did.



My head.



I got hammered.



Look at the publicity

you're getting.



Your accident was

a gigantic media event.



You can't buy this

kind of publicity.



Stop the presses!



I'm just about to be brilliant.



This... is how we're

going to save the show!



We'll tell them that you

injured your back.



Doctors can't prove a phony

back injury with an X-ray.



Then we'll say you can't be moved,



and you're going to stay

here till you can walk.



Well, what do I want to stay here for?



So you can do the show!



Here, drink this.

You'll feel better.



Do what show?



What show? "Live, from

the Governor's mansion,



The Wally Sparks Show!"



What are you trying to prove,



little things mean a lot?



I'm telling you, Wally, it'll work.



Oh, Sandy, I don't know,

you know?



I mean, I don't know what to do.



I mean, the Governor,

he's been so nice to us.



I feel like we're taking

advantage of the guy.






You look a lot fatter

than you do on TV.



Yeah? And I'm tougher, too.

Who are you?



Robby Preston, the Governor's son.



I invited you guys to the party.



Wait, you sent the invitation?



Oh, yeah!

I'm Wally's biggest fan.



[Imitating Wally]

Hey, she's a wild girl.



She put on a virgin wool sweater,



her body rejected it.



This kid's all right.



I can't hear you.

This jacket's too loud!



Hey, kid, you're all right,

you know?



But I thought your father

invited me to this party.



Oh, no.



You're the last person

on earth he wants to see.



He hates your guts.

He thinks you're slime.



That's why I love you so much.



Is that a compliment, or what?



What are you doing in here, huh?




Heard everything you guys said.



But don't worry.

I won't rat.






I'm the second-to-last

person on earth



my dad wants to see.



Is this true?

Is this true?



I'm over here, putz.



Is this true?



Is he really doing the show

from a wheelchair?



What a stroke of luck.



Wally paralyzed...



in the Governor's mansion.



Sir, what if this is one

of Sparks' wild stunts



just to save his show?



Maybe I should go down there

and investigate.



I'll prove to you he's

concocted the whole thing--






Yes, sir?



I think you need a woman.



Oh, sir, I--



Even if she's expensive.



O... K.



Governor Floyd Preston

and his supporters



have just finished their presentation



in opposition to the development



of a Civil War Theme park



planned to be developed



right here on this historical landmark.



[Fifes and drums playing

When Johnny Comes Marching Home]



Thank you.



I love working with a trio.



Next week they open in Vegas.



I'll be in the lounge. Cut.



Governor, if you kick him out,



they are threatening to sue.



Think of the negative press

you'll receive,



Not to mention what he might

say about you on his show.



I don't understand. Why didn't

he just go stay in the hospital?



We might be able to get some

good play out of this, sir.



Especially if we air

your campaign commercials



during the taping of

his show from your house.



Nobody said anything about him

broadcasting from my home!



Hold him, hold him.



Governor, I think it's

very gracious for you



to open up your home to Wally Sparks.



Any man with a heart like that



has got a vote from me.



Yeah, mine, too.

God bless you, Governor Preston.



What else does Mr. Sparks want?



Well, sir, he'd like to continue

to stay in your bedroom,



and he's just crazy about your pajamas.






Now, his producer,

a lovely, caring woman,



has assured me that the peace

and tranquillity of your home



will not be disturbed.



Back that mother up over here!



Come on, let's move it!

Move it! Move it!



Come on! Come on!



Let's go! Let's go!



Let's go! Let's go!

Let's move our butts here!



Come on, people, let's go.

We're losing the light.



Crowd, chanting:

Wally! Wally! Wally!



Oh! Oh! Aah!



It's Wally!



Hi there.



Oh, it's only the Governor.



How do you do, ma'am?



Wally! Wally! Wally!



Robby, on bullhorn:

Yeah, bring in that cable.



You know, we've only got a few hours.



Let's go, guys. Come on.

You're doing great.



Let's go! Yeah, hurry up!

We've got a show to do



in a couple of hours.

Come on! Come on!



Governor, will you please

get out of the way?



We're trying to work here.



Would you like a muffin?



[Everybody talking]






They're fat-free.



Emily, who are all--



Uh, would you like a muffin?



Emily, who--



Who are all these people?



They're guests on the show.

Floyd, isn't this exciting?



You should look at this.



Sir, that's an extremely valuable



  th century French inlaid side table.



It's very valuable,

I just--



OK, we won't break anything.



I don't want dents and scratches on it.



Get away from my chest, sir!



Live from the Governor's

mansion in Atlanta,



it's the show that tells it like it is.



Ain't no mystery to this man's history.



Meet Wally Sparks.



Tonight our show

focuses on a comparison



of American wrestling

to Japan's sumo wrestlers.



Sumo is the national

wrestling sport of Japan,



and the Japanese people

have high regard



for these mighty athletes.



OK, boys, stop bowing.

You'll tip over, huh?



That's it, sit down.

Down, boys, down. OK. All right.



Now, folks, let's meet

the American wrestlers,



the ever-dangerous Python Brothers.






[Audience boos and hisses]



Now tell me, boys.



Why are you giving

the sumos a hard time?



Well, Wally,

these fat tubs of lard



have the nerve to call themselves



professional athletes



when they look more like

the Fuji blimp!



We spend long, hard hours in the gym



getting our bodies to look like this.






Boys, name calling isn't

going to solve anything.



Then tell them to stop

stuffing their faces



and buy some brassieres!



[Speaking Japanese]



Does anyone know

what the hell these   jumbos



are talking about?






our Japanese interpreter

never showed up.



But lucky for us,

I speak fluent Japanese.



He does?



[Speaking Japanese]




Madame Butterfly...



[Speaking Japanese]



Oh, really?



They say you're nothing



but a couple of steroid-popping pimps,



and you couldn't lick the sweat



off their flabby armpits.



Tell Tubby he couldn't last

  seconds in the ring with me,



not even if his life

depended on it!



[Speaking Japanese]



You tell them



we'll wipe the floor with

their diaper-wearing butts!



I'm going for muffins.



Yeah, dear. Whatever.



They wanna know--

In your relationship,



which one is the man,



and which one is the woman?



[Yelling and grunting]



Harvey, I don't like this at all.






Don't worry, sir.

It's just a setup.



It's all part of the act.






Good heavens.

Son, are you all right?






There you are.




I'm telling you,

you're blocking my closeup.



Whoa, very realistic, sir.









Wally: Boys, boys, can't we

all just get along?



Can I help you?



I'm Dean Sparks.

I'm looking for my father Wally.



Oh, yes. He's in the living room.



Follow me, please.



Muffin? They're mighty popular.



Hey, everything's getting

out of hand here.



There he is.



What is going on in here?



Oh, Dean. Egypt.

What are you doing here?



I'm worried about you.






Oh. Stop!




Oh, my God! The snake's loose!




Get a wide shot of that snake.



What is all this?



Aw, nothing.

I'm doing a show.



Oh, I'm sorry I missed

your gig the other night.



I really wanted to be there.



Don't worry about it.



Listen, when we heard

you were stuck down here,



we booked the band

into a local club.













Oh, you, put my husband down.






Where are you going?

Robby. Robby, honey.



Governor. Governor, I want you

to meet my son Dean.



He'll be visiting us

for a few days, you know?



Help me.



Well, the Governor says hello.



Welcome back to Talk Soup.

I'm John Henson.



Well, yet another fight

broke out



on The Wally Sparks Show

this week



when Wally and

Governor Preston mixed it up



with some nasty wrestlers.

Let's watch.






Oh, man. Who's Wally's

new promoter, Don King?



Let's get ready to rumble!



Now, folks, you hear about this?



I hear that Wally Sparks



is actually sleeping in

Governor Preston's bedroom.



The only problem is,

Wally says the Governor's wife



keeps hogging all the covers.



I don't know about that.



I thought there was going

to be a total transformation.



That was the same old

Wally Sparks Show.



The next show's going

to be much, much better.



I swear to God.



Ho ho ho. No.

There's not gonna be any more shows.






Tell him it's over.



What are you saying, sir?

You gonna cancel us?






[Sighs] Well, if that's

the way you want it,



I guess that's how it's gotta be.



I guess Wally will just have to take



one of the other   network offers



to air the special.



Special? What special?



Oh, nothing to concern yourself with,



I mean, now that it's over

between you and Wally.



Hey, wait a minute. Sandy,

what are you talking about?



Why didn't you tell me about this?



Well, because I thought

I'd just keep it on the Q.T.



You know, make it

a little surprise for you.



But, um, I booked Governor Preston



to do a one-on-one with Wally.



All right.

Well, then I'll tell you what.



I-I'll put a whole big

campaign behind this show.



Oh, great, but you know what?



You should hold off

until the day of the show.



Hold it? Why?



I haven't worked out

all the particulars



with the Governor's people yet.



Yeah, but you're gonna work it out.



Uh, yes. I'm going to

get right on top of it.






Oh, shit.



Aah! Aah!






Mom! Daddy! Mom! Daddy!

There's a man in my room!



Daddy! Mom!

Daddy! Daddy!



What happened, your husband come home?






It's frustrating for all of us,

baby doll.



Daddy, I cannot believe



you're letting this man

treat you this way.



For heaven's sakes,

just throw him out.



Darling, I can't do that.

Harvey Bishop



says that would adversely

impact my campaign.



Well, I have no campaign,

so if I throw him out, it's OK.



Priscilla, honey, don't do that.



Harvey says if I'm nice to him--



Harvey says?

Listen to you, daddy.



You don't even know who you

are anymore without Harvey.



Good night, daddy.



Wait, baby doll.

Wait. Hon...



[Door opens]

Welcome home, Sis.



What are you doing?



Wally wants some down pillows.



Get out of the way, Toots.

Hot stuff coming through.



[Door opens]

If you need anything, Mr. Sparks,



buzz me on the intercom.



Good morning, darling.




* Camptown races, hear my song *



* Doo-dah *



* Doo-dah *




Come in.



Mr. Sparks...

[Door closes]



Oh, those yankees.

You can't stop 'em.



I'm Priscilla Preston,

and I want to talk to you--



Oh, yeah. We sortamet last night.



That's what I wanted

to talk to you about.



You see, my father and I

were talking--



Oh, your father's a great guy.

The best. And your mother--



A real doll. And your brother--

Cute as heck.



In fact, I gave him

a job working for me.



You may be able to charm

the rest of my family,



but not me.



Oh, by the way,

say hello to my son Dean.



How do you do?

I wou--



Hey. Ohh.






Listen, I'm sorry about last night.



They-- They told me you weren't home.



That's OK.



I must have sounded

like a real wacko.



I'd scream, too, if there

was a naked guy in my bed.



Ho. A few guys I know

wouldn't mind at all.



Oh, Wally.



Dean, grab Egypt, will you?



He's due for doo-doo.






Hey, would you like to join us?



Sure, I'd love to.












Oh, OK.



OK. I'll just wait right outside.



OK. Thanks.









All right, Sparks.



Look at me.



[Egypt barks]



- Who's that?

- Oh, a little doggie.



A couple of lovers, huh?



Come on, Wally.



Where are you?



Heh heh heh heh.



Back injury, my ass.



I knew he was faking it.



Now we get the photos.






Oh. Oh. Unh.



What the-- Oh, Lord.



Oh, Lord, no. Unh.






Oh, my-- Oh, my God.












Oh, my God.









[Horn honks]




[Honk honk]




[Honk honk]



Oh, mommy!













Hey, dad, you can walk.






How do you like that? It--



It must've been a muscle spasm.



But I, uh--



But I-- I really can't walk.



Oh, my God, dad, you're faking it,

aren't you?



I thought you were really hurt.



Dean, I'm sorry.



I had to do it.

Otherwise, I'd lose my show.



Your show? Your show?



Of course,

I should've known.



Dean... you don't understand.



I mean, this is too important.



No. Dad, it's always been like this.



Everything you do

is too important.



[Door closes]



- Oh, great.

- Hi. Hello.












What the hell are you doing up?

Do you wanna get caught?



Get in bed.

Come on, get in bed.



If I get in bed,

will you tell me a story?



Ha. Very funny.

Come on, get in bed.



Sandy, I can't just lay in bed.



When I'm on my back,



I wanna be enjoying myself.



Do me a favor, will you?

Call New York.



Tell Vivian to come down here



and hang with me, will you?



What, are you crazy?



You can't have any girls up here.



You're supposed to be

in critical condition.



Huh. If   days go by,

I don't have sex,



to me that's critical condition.



Look, if you want things to

work out, you just stay put



until we get the Governor

on the show, OK?



Suppose the Governor

don't do the show?



Hey, not an option.



Remember unemployment?

Skid row?



Who knows what'll happen to Joe?



He's nothing without you.



Hey, look. You stay out

of the Governor's hair,



and I...

will do some work on--



[Squirt squirt]




Oh, and don't forget

what the doctor said.



Don't lift anything over    pounds,




Don't lift anything over    pounds.



Now I can never take a leak.



Oh, please.



Let's see... escorts.

Ah, here's one.



"We will fill any fantasy."



[Doorbell rings]



- Hi.

- Hello.



I'm here to see Mr... Wally Sparks.



Oh, yes.

Upstairs, first door to the right.






Um, whatever

your house call fee is,



please, put it on our bill.



Mr. Sparks already paid

with his credit card.



We always get paid up front,



the way we operate.



Oh, no. They're going to operate.



The man's a menace.



I don't care if they sue me,



he is not doing another

broadcast from this house.



But that's not an option, sir,



with all due respect.



You see, sir, after airing



your campaign spots

during the sumo show,



awareness among young

voters has gone way up.



Having Sparks here

has actually helped us.



In fact, I think you should

consider doing his show.



Harvey, I happen to think

it's time for you to go now.



I'll just leave you here

to ponder the possibility.



Just kind of kick it around

in your head.



Just try it on for size.



Bye, Harvey.






It's been real nice

doing business with you.



Ooh, I'll tell you one thing, honey--



You should be the head nurse.



A hooker.

What a business that is.



That's the best racket

in the world.



You got it, you sell it,

and you still got it.



"Back out of the election--"



What the hell is this?






[Labored breathing]



Floyd, darling, are you all right?



I don't know. Uh, I think

I'm having an anxiety attack.



Oh, darling.



I'll get the nurse.






Thanks for the house call, honey.






[Sliding door opens]



Hi. Your wife sent me in to, uh...



take care of you.



I've been under a great deal

of stress of late.






Well, you just sit back and relax,



and don't you worry

this little head



about nothing.



Well, I really do appreciate this,




I really can't see

what you're able to do.



Great balls of fire!

Never in my life--



What's going on in there?



Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

He just wasn't up to it.



What is going on?

I hate that man!









Come here.

Come here.



[Woof woof]






I can't believe

you're Wally Sparks' son.



Yeah, I get that a lot.



I bet you do. How long

do you think it'll be



before your dad's well again?



Oh, my dad's never been well.



Ha ha ha.



OK, pull!






[Crash] Unh.



[Glass shatters]



[Chuckles] Oh, boy.

This is a Kodak moment.



Now, how was that one?






Then give me a high one.



Let's see if you can hit this one.



Smile, Sparks.

You're on Candid Camera.



Ok, pull!




Oh, shit.






I still got him.



No! Shit. Great.



Just great.



That was awesome, man.



You sure can shoot.



My old man taught me.



My dad won't let me use it alone,



And he's too busy to teach me.



Your father's an important man,

you know.



Yeah, but you're important.



Yeah. I guess being important

and being a good father--



They just don't go together,

you know?



I bet Dean had a great

time when he was a kid



with you as his dad.



I don't think they're good for you.



I think they're gonna

find a study someday



that says it isn't.



Hey, girls.

How you doing?



Well, Mr. Sparks.

How are you today?



- I'm OK.

- Good.



Good. Mr. Sparks,

this is Agnes Farber.



How do you do?



And Helen Williams,

judge Williams' wife.



They're both on the board



of the save the rain forest

foundation with me.



Oh, pleased to meet you.



Mr. Sparks, do you play bridge?



One of our friends

couldn't make it today.



We're looking for a fourth.



Oh. Well, I'll tell you--

I'm looking for a fifth.






He's funny.



What do you girls play for?



Mrs. Williams:

A nickel a point.



Oh, I tell you-- I think

I can handle that...



as long as you girls

take it easy on me.



So, you're saving the rain forest,




Oh, yes. I love nature.

I am also a bird-watcher.



I love blue jays.

I love robins.



But most of all,

I love peacocks.



I'll bet you do.



So tell us, what is

your favorite bird?



My favorite bird, huh?



The swallow.



Lovely bird.



I haven't seen one of those

in the longest time.



I know.

They're almost extinct.



So, girls, what are you drinking?



Oh, iced tea.



Oh, did you ever have

Long Island iced tea?



- No.

- No.



Oh, really?



Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!



I got    s.



I have a pair of aces.



Pair of aces?



Hey, honey, don't flatter yourself,

will ya?



I haven't got anything.

What have you got, Wally?



I got a straight,

but I can't show it to you.



[Sniff sniff]

Hey, what am I smelling?



Whose perfume is that?



Oh, that's me, Wally.



I'm wearing summer's mist.



Oh, I just love summer's mist.



I put a dab behind each ear.



Drives the Governor crazy.



Hey, girls.

Want to attract men?



I'll tell you the best thing

to put behind your ears.



Your ankles.



Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!



Oh, you naughty boy.

Naughty boy.



Girls, I'm gonna run along.



I don't want to see what

gravity has done to you.



No, Wally. Don't go.

Stay and play, please?



Wally, Wally, you play the piano.



OK, girls.

Keep your brassieres on.









* Just take those

old records off the shelf *



* I'd sooner

listen to 'em by myself *



* Today's music

ain't got the same soul *



* I like that old-time

rock and roll *




Play it, Wally.



Mrs. Farber:

That's right. Do it.



* Come on over, baby *



* Whole lotta shakin' goin' on *



* Whose boy? Your boy, my boy *



* Come on over, baby *



* Baby, you can't go wrong *



* Go wrong, go wrong, go wrong *



* We ain't fakin' *



* Whole lotta shakin' goin' on *



Oh, Wally, I just love

the way you play piano.



Aw, this is nothing.



You should see me play

my upright organ.



Oh, you rascal, you.

Ha ha ha.



One more time for Ronnie.



* Shake it, baby, shake it *



* Shake it, baby, shake it *






Here we are.



We'll keep this meeting

as short as we can, sir.



My pleasure.



It's an honor to be able

to endorse a man



with such high family values.






* Shake it, baby, shake it *



Whoo! Whoo!



* Shake it, baby, shake it, baby *



* Come on, baby,

shake it and shake it *



* Come on over and shake it *



* Come on over *



* Come on, baby, shake it now *



Shake it, baby.

Shake it. Come on.



Wack-a, wack-a, wack-a.



Helen, stop that!



At once!












What in the name of Sam Hill



has come over you?



Ha ha ha ha ha ha!



Hey, Governor, you can

take her upstairs.



She's ready now.



[Ladies laugh]



Honey, if I was with you right now,

I'd show you sex.



I'd give it to you real good.



Oh, what's that?

My   minutes are up, huh? OK.



[Door opens]



Mr. Sparks...






I cannot take you in this house



one more night, sir.



Get that filthy mongrel



off my grandmother's settee!




Down, Egypt, down.



That horrible animal did his,

you know...



did his business



in my study again last night.



Hey, Governor, that's why

we call him Egypt.



Every room, he leaves a pyramid.



That animal is dangerous.



Oh, peach fuzz.



Are you kidding?

Egypt is harmless.



There's not an aggressive

bone in his body.



Well, maybe one.



Get this dog off me.



Egypt, cold shower.

Cold shower, Egypt.



For God's sake, man.



Why don't you mate that dog?



Mate him? Are you kidding?

I wouldn't mate him.



Let him go through

what I go through.



Mr. Sparks...



I am sorry that you

were hurt in my home,



but you have overstayed your welcome.



I want you out of here tomorrow.



I really appreciate everything

you've done for me, you know?



I owe you one.

And to prove it,



I'm gonna have you

as a guest on my show.



Ha ha. Have you taken leave

of your senses?



I'd rather roll in honey,

jump on an ant hill,



and walk barefoot across hot coals.



Sounds good, but we had a guy

do that last week.









Aw, come on, Governor.

Do the show, will you?



Robby would love it.



What are you doing talking to my son?



He's a good kid, Robby.

Smart kid. He loves you.



He just needs some attention,

that's all.



Don't tell me about my son.

I know my son.



You're a bad influence.

You stay away from him.



Oh, and another thing--



That-- That-- That son of yours



is taking my daughter

out on a date tonight.



I want her in bed by   :  .



Don't worry about it, will you?



I know Dean. He'll have her

in bed by   :  .









I hate that man.



Hey, Wally,



Egypt found this wallet outside.



Oh, yeah?



Ooh, that's Miller!



Yeah, he must be down here

spying on me.



Who is he?



Well, he's not a fan of mine.



In fact, he can blow

the whole thing.



Yeah, well, don't worry, Wally.



With me and Egypt standing guard,



He won't get within

    yards of this place.



Ha ha, you're all right.






It's just I've heard

about you Southern women.



You have not heard a thing

about Southern women,



and you know it.



All right, now listen,

don't drive too fast, OK?



Hang on.



Here we go!









Aah-ya! Aah-ya! Aah-ya!


























Wally? Psst.



Wally? Wally?



Hey, Joey, up here.



What the hell you doing up there?



Come on, let's go.



I'll be right down.






Hey, what's going on here?



Hey! Where did you come from?



Get out of here, will you?



Hey, buy me a drink first!



Will you quit the clowning?



Oh, ooh!



Go find your own nuts,

will you?



Hey, hey, what?







He's dead.



Are you all right?



What were you doing?



That squirrel,



he was after my macadamias.



Did you remember

to bring my disguise?



It's in the car.











Harvey, come in here right away!



Close that door!



What was so urgent that you

needed to see me, sir?



Well, here it is, Harvey.



I'm being blackmailed.






I received a fax and a telephone call



telling me that if I

don't do what they say



and pull out of the race,



they're going to go public with this.



They say that they have proof



of my having had sex

in a motel with a stripper!







What kind of proof?



I don't know.



Well, that's ridiculous.



I'm innocent.



Of course you are.



It's my word against theirs.






I've never seen that woman

before in my life!



How do you like that?



The Governor's got a little

something extra on the side.



Be quiet.

I want to hear this.






Well, it does take two to tango,




That's a conspiracy, Harvey!



You believe me, don't you?



Damn it!



Well, sir, a stripper says



she had sex with you

in a motel room,



and then there's this

photo of you naked



in bed with a naked woman,



whom you say you never saw.



Yes, sir.



Yes, sir, I--



I believe you.



[Music plays]



* You don't care for me *



* I don't care about that *



* You got a new fool *



* Ha! I like it like that *



* I have only one burning desire *



* Let me stand next to your fire... *



Hey, he's pretty good, huh?



Yeah, terrific.



Can we get out of here

before we get caught?



I know it's a risk,



But I had to see Dean's band.



* Let me stand next to your fire *



* Let me stand *



* Let me stand *



[Applause and cheering]



Imagine, my son

and the Governor's daughter.




Yeah, they're adorable.



But he ain't going to be

Governor much longer



if those pictures come out.



I can't understand the Governor

getting into that position



with a stripper.



I didn't see the pictures.



What position was he in?













Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm.









I got you now, Sparks.












I love you.



Well, I love you, too, Floyd.









Wait, honey, don't.



I'll get it.



I hate that man.



Yes, Mr. Sparks.



The Governor will be right up.



[Grr rrr]









You want a cookie?







OK, no cookie.






You're a good doggie.












Aah! Ow! I'm OK.






Good doggie.









So long, sucker!

Ha ha ha ha!






No, no, doggie!












Let go of the tie!




Pull me in!



Good doggie.




Let go of my--!









Hey, kid, pull me in!



Pull me in! Aah!















Bad doggie.



Mr. Sparks, this is not a hotel!



Come on, Egypt.



And if it were,

room service would be closed!



Stay under there.

Good boy.



Yes, what is it, Mr. Sparks?



[Imitates Wally]

Hey, Governor,



I thought I needed your help

using the John.



Lucky for you, it was just gas.



[Dog passes gas]




Hoo, pardon me.






You know, you've got

a really big house.



Shh, you want to wake everybody up?



Well, frankly, my dear,

I don't give a--









You know,

I think we're doing pretty good.



We've known each other   days,



and we're already living together.






Y'all realize what time it is?



Sorry, daddy.



We were just saying good night.



Good night, Governor.






Oh, daddy, so much happened tonight.



I just saw Dean's--



Priscilla, I forbid this

relationship to continue.



Oh, daddy, I'm an adult.



You don't get to forbid anything.



Priscilla, don't you understand,




That boy doesn't care

anything about you.



They're using you to get at me.



Oh, how stupid of me



to think anyone could

actually be interested in me.



Oh, darling, I didn't mean--



Baby doll.




We got to get the blackmail pictures,



find out who the chick is.



Joey, I know people.



The Governor doesn't play around.



You sure you can get

back inside all right?



Yeah, yeah.



Robby left a ladder for me.



Be careful.



You Southern gentlemen are so charming,



so chivalrous.



I do believe you would never deny



a woman her desires.






Mmm. But first,



I just have one special request.



You idiot.



What? Ooh.















Oh, beautiful.









Is that you?



Who are you?






is that you?



[Old man's voice]

Yes, it's me, Floyd.



It's your great-great-granddaddy.






what are you doing here?



I'm here to help you, Floyd.



But first, you must answer

an important question.



Yes, sir, anything.



Did you slide your saber



into that modern-day Jezebel?



No, sir, I did not.



How do you know about that stripper?



Up here, Floyd,



bad news travels fast.



Now, Floyd, you want to be Senator.



There's one thing

you must do to be Senator.



You must appear on

The Wally Sparks Show.



No! He's an obnoxious buffoon.



Shut up, and you listen



to your great-great-granddaddy.



I want you to pray, Floyd.



Pray. Pray?



No peeking.



Repeat after me.

I pledge allegiance...



I pledge allegiance...



to the flag...



to the flag of

the United States of America.



[Toilet flushes]



And to the Republic

for which it stands,



one nation, under God, indivisible,



With Liberty and Justice for all.



I pledge allegiance to the flag



of the United States of America,



- ...and to the Republic...

- Floyd?



Floyd, darling?



Floyd, you're being patriotic



in your sleep again.



I'm sorry.



Emily, you'll never guess

who was here.






Oh, Floyd, don't talk crazy.

You were dreaming.



I'm not talking crazy.



Great-great-granddaddy was here.



If I say he was here,

he was here.



Please place your napkin in your lap.



Why? I'm not going

to spill nothing.



Do what your mother--



Excuse me, please.

May I have your attention?



There's something I have to say.



You will not believe

the latest polls.



Wally Sparks is saving our hide.



Especially since



you finally decided

to do his show.



Oh, dear.



You're going to be

on Wally's show?!






Is that what you wanted to tell us,







You lying,



conniving, son of a--



Sparks, you poltroon!



You announce it in the paper.



So if I don't do it,



it looks like I'm afraid

to face you on the air.



Well, you may have backed me

into a corner this time,



but let me tell you something.



The second this show is over,



you and your entire

 -ring circus are history!



Hey, doesn't anybody

ever knock around here?







Well, that's it, Randal.



I feel trapped.



On the one hand, the boys at the lab



tell me those pictures are real.



There's no hint of doctoring

on those photos.



So if I challenge these people,

whoever they are,



My family might be more humiliated



than they already have been.



On the other hand, if I back out,



those people are just

going to walk all over me.



And worse,



backing out might look like

an admission of guilt.






Floyd, the election is next Tuesday.



Now, by the time you can

prove your innocence,



you'll already have lost it.



And if you can't

prove your innocence,



you might even lose

your Governor's position.



Back out.



Don't you think I'll seem weak



if I don't fight all this?



Not at all.



I'd do the same thing

if I were in your position.



You have to do what's best



for Emily and the children.



You just gave me the same

answer that I arrived at.



I didn't want to hear it

from either of us.



Thank you, Randal.



When will you do it?






Ha ha ha!



I thought I'd do it tonight...



on the Sparks Show.



Wally: Why don't the Governor

just tell the truth?



If he's innocent,

the people will believe him.



Because he doesn't want this photo



plastered all over every

newspaper in the country,



that's why.



Let us help you.



We'll find out who the chick is,



and we'll put her on the show.



No. The Governor wants

this affair to go away



as quietly as possible.



Oh, so someone else can set him up



and blackmail him all over again.



Please, just let the Governor

make his statement.



Say anything about the stripper,



and he walks.



Oh, Harvey,



now, you don't really mean that,

do you?



Yes, I do.



You got it?



Got it.



She looks familiar.



They all look familiar to you, hon.



[Knock on door]




Oh, Miller.



Well, what a pleasant surprise.



I came to offer my congratulations.



You won, Sparks.



I didn't think you could do it.



And Mr. Spencer wanted me

to come personally



and hand you your new contracts.



I'm afraid you're going

to have to pick them up,



You know.



Oh, right, I forgot.



You can't walk.






So how long do the doctors

think it'll take?



Oh, a few weeks, a few months.



A year.



A few years.



Wow, look at that chick.

What an ass.



Ooh, where, where?



Aha, I got you!



I knew you were faking it.



I caught you.

I caught you!



Ohh-hoo, yeah!




Praise the Lord!



You can walk again!



Hey, I can walk!

It's a miracle!



No, no, no, no!

This is no miracle.



You are a fake,



a phony.

You are a charlatan!



All right, Miller, what do you want?



What do I want?



I want your head on a stick.



I want your neck in a noose.



Hey, you're trying to

make up with me, huh?



I want to see that you never work



in broadcasting ever again!



Ah, miss Preston.



You've been had.



They've been deceiving your family



the whole time.



He was never hurt.



Is it true?

Did you know he was faking it?



Look, Priscilla, I'm sorry.



Oh, daddy was right.



Thanks a lot, dad.









I guess now is the perfect time



for me to call Mr. Spencer



and put an end to your sleazy career,




You ain't going anywhere,

pretty boy.



You ain't even pretty anymore.




Remember me?



Hey, that's my wallet!




Grab him.



* Why do we stand on the roses? *



Yoo-hoo, Mr. Sparks?



Yo, what do you want?



Oh, there's a phone call



for Mr. Sparks on line  .




Somebody help me!



Is everything all right in there?



Yeah. Wally is just having

his physical therapy.



Oh. Is there anything

I can do to help?






Robby, look who's here.










Wally wants you to roast him a turkey.



A whole turkey?



No, you're not going to

get way with it this time.



I'm warning you, Sparks.

I'm warn--



That's the only way to shut him up.



I know her.



She's so familiar to me.



I just can't place her.



I knew it.

I knew I knew her.



Now I know where I know her from.



Where do you know her from?






I'm busy now.



Where do you know her from?



It's her!



She wants to meet with Wally alone.




Oh, it's you.



I thought you don't

believe in casual sex.



I never had sex with the Governor.



He was set up.



They slipped him a Mickey,



and while he was unconscious,



I took off my clothes,



and I posed for

those pictures with him.



Then why are you saying it now?



Because I can't live with the guilt.



I told you



I'm an actress, Mr. Sparks.



But I don't want to become famous



for ruining the lives

of an innocent man



and his family.



I want to do wholesome projects,



like Disney movies.



Well, how come you want to see me?



Because I want to go on

your show tonight,



and I want to tell the truth.



I want to do the right thing,



And I want to clear the Governor's name



in front of the whole country.



[Wally's theme music plays]






Hiya, folks.



Tonight you're going to see



a different kind of

Wally Sparks Show.



A much more serious approach.



And I want to start off



with my very special guest,



Governor Floyd Preston.



[Dixie plays]



Ah, Governor, it's great

to finally have you



on my show, you know?



At least you didn't have

to travel too far to get here.



That's true.



Although the traffic

was a little rough



coming through the kitchen.




Priscilla, listen, we need to talk.



OK, you don't understand.



You lied to me.



I should tell my father

and stop this show.



Uh, Mr. Sparks,



I'd like to say a few words.




Stop the show!



He's a fake! He's a phony!



He's a charlatan!



Get your hands off me!



You don't understand!



Listen to me!



I'm a very important person!




Stretch. Stretch it out.



Uh, one of the Governor's




They'll stoop to anything

to try and stop him.



Like calling him a phony, a fake.



They even claim he dyes his hair.



Lies! I've taken a shower

with the Governor,



and believe me, that's

his natural hair color.



And by the way, Governor,



you're quite a guy,

if you know what I mean.



Why, he could enter

a  -legged race by himself.



Why do you think his wife

is always smiling?




So, folks,



vote for Governor Floyd Preston.



Think big.



Mr. Sparks.



There's something very important--



Hold that thought for one moment,




'Cause right now

I'd like to bring on



a special mystery guest



who's about to become

the most important person



in your life.



Ladies and gentlemen,



Governor Preston was

just about to announce



he's going to back out

of the election...



Oh, no.



Because he's mixed up



in a disgusting sex scandal.









And here she is



to tell her side of the story.



The woman in question--

Lola Larue!



[Jazzy music plays]



All right, Lola.



Now you go ahead and tell our viewers



the same incredible story

you told me.



Well, I first met Governor Preston



in Savannah at a campaign rally.



And that night,



he got me drunk and

sexually molested me



at the fuzzy peach motel.



Governor, what did I tell you,




Hey, wait a minute.



That's a lie!



Emily, I've never seen

this woman before



in my life.



She's blackmailing me!




Baby doll, wait!



If you had sex with the Governor,



you saw him naked, right?













Well, tell me this--



Does the Governor have

any distinguishing marks



on his body?



A birthmark



shaped like

the State of Florida



on his left butt cheek.



Ho ho, really?

Ha ha ha ha.



OK, lucky guess.



Show 'em.



Go on, Governor.



Show 'em.






[Whispering] Cut.

We're going to commercial.



You're an idiot!



Stay tuned, folks...



You're stupid!



That does it!




And we're clear.



Crowd, settle, settle, settle.



Come on.



Floor manager:





All right, guys,



we need the makeup man

to get rid of the shine.




I can overlook taking over the bedroom



and this camera crew and the dog food!



But how could you do this to me?!



I was just trying to help you.



Help me? You're burying me out there!



Aw, come back on.



I promise I'll fix everything.



Excuse me,    seconds,

and we're back on the air.



No. No way I'm going

back out there.



You got to come back on.



If you don't, you'll look

worse than you look now.



Harvey, help me, help me.



What shall I do?



Well, I think you should--



I don't know.






We'll miss--



Floyd, are you all right?



I'm ruined.



Emily thinks I betrayed her.



It's all Sparks' fault.



Governor, you got to listen to me.



Trust me, will you?



Trust you?



Trust you?! I--



Now, now, don't worry, Floyd.



I'll see that he hangs for this.



OK,    seconds.

It's now or never.



All right, Governor,



what's it going to be?



Leave me alone.



I'm done.



Let's go. Come on.






Daddy... this is all my fault.



Son, you didn't do anything.



Yes, I did.



I sent the invitation to Wally.



I did it...



because I wanted

to get even with you.



I wanted you to stop

being the Governor



and just go back to being

my dad like you used to.






I'm not gonna call you Robby anymore,



'cause that's a little boy's name.



You're a young man now.



It took a lot of courage



to just say what you did.



I'll tell you something.



Being your daddy's

the best job I ever had.



And thank you for reminding me...



it's also the most important one.






Folks, the first half of the show



has been pretty amazing,



and the second half is no different.



And I'm gonna start the second half...



by telling you...



I can walk.



I've been faking it...



pretending I was hurt...



for my own selfish reasons.



You know, this may be my last show.



A lot of people think

I shouldn't be on TV anymore.



Maybe they're right.



I'm only sorry for all

the pain and suffering



I caused the Governor,



and how I hurt this sweet,

innocent girl.



Look at that virgin smile.



A babe lost in the woods.



And you wanted to be an actress,

didn't you?



That's right.

Disney movies.



Oh, I'm sure you'd

be right at home



with Pinocchio.



[Slide whistle]



Well, tonight, you're in luck,




It so happens we have

a clip of your acting debut.



Roll it, Sandy.






G-aah! Ohh...



Ho! Where'd you study acting,

honey, down under?



She gives a new meaning

to method acting.



Hey, with this role,



your acting career

really got a head start.



But wait, folks, there's more.




I never had sex with the Governor.



He was set up.



They slipped him a Mickey,



and while he was unconscious,



I took off my clothes,



and I posed for those

pictures with him.



Well, thanks to my producer Sandy,



and a hidden video camera,



we happened to get this

little performance on tape.



But wait...

there's even more.



You see, Julius,

what Lola doesn't know is,



we followed her into the woods,



where she had a rendezvous



with the big bad wolf himself!



[Swelling music]




I guess whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.



Judge Williams!






Wow! Looks like the judge

is banging more than his gavel.



This is absurd!

I don't know this tramp!




Screw you, Randy!



I ain't takin' the rap

for this on my own!



He knew if Governor Preston

got into the senate,



he'd prevent the development

of the Civil War Theme park.



She's insane!

Don't listen to her!



Judge here sunk all of his money

into the surrounding property.



Said it was worth a fortune.



You said you were

gonna share it with me!



Oh, go away, Lola!




Looks like she misjudged the judge!



I'm gonna fix you, Sparks!






Hey, get your own!



Just a slice.




Everybody, head for the hills!



Oh! Get the camera!



What's wrong?



Hey, get out of the way!




Prepare to die.



Keep moving, Wally!




Get a  -shot!



Aah! Ooh! Ooh!



Dad! Whoa!



En garde!









Oh, come on!

Pan out!



Judge, can't we talk it over?



Whoa! I see your point.



Get the wheelchair!

Put the camera in it! Go on.



Fresh-cut flowers!










Know-it-all yankee!



Take it easy, judge!



Look out!

He's nuts!




Randal, that is a priceless antique!



Oh, my gracious!


















Are you all right, son?




Alec, get the camera upstairs!



Haa! Haa!



I had tuna fish for lunch!



Watch out!



She's got a gun!



Stay back!

I'm warning you!



Robert, call    .



You! Come here!



Oh, dear, you don't--



Nobody try to stop me!



Hey, somebody, get me a lei!



I know I'm a kid.

I'm not joking!



I'm taking her with me.



Don't even think about it.



Ho! Quick, get in there!



Get a closeup!



It's my gun!



Ooh! He got me right in the touché!









Take that!



I got it!



Ha ha!



Ho ho!






Hit the deck!









Get off me!



Whoa-- Ohh!






I just got circumcised by benihana!




Don't think I won't use this.



Get back, or I'll blow

your brains out.



Don't be a hero, Governor!




Hey! No fair!



Oh, no!



Heh heh heh...






Adios, judge.



Aaaah! Get me a ball-buster!



Hey, now, don't say we never

played catch, all right?



Hey! Excuse me!

I've got the gun.



I need some wheels.



Governor, give me your car keys,










Here comes the judge!



He got the chair!



Huh? Huh?









Case closed.



That's our show, folks.



See you next week back in New York.



And remember, it's lonely at the top



when there's no one on the bottom.



See you next week, huh?



Dad, all right!

I'm proud of you.



Maybe you should grow a beard.



You looked pretty good the other night.



Can I cut in?



Oh! This show is an Emmy for sure!



Oh, thanks to you,

the polls are gonna be great!



Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.



They really are lovely people.



I was right.



Wally Sparks is a genius.



Miller's right.

I'm a programming genius.



Give me Miller.



He's not in his office, sir,



and he hasn't been there all week.



Where the hell is he?



[Muffled cries]












[Pleasurable moaning]






Ladies and gentlemen,



I'd like to propose a toast,

if I may,



to the bride and groom.



Dean, Priscilla...



may your love be everlasting.



Hear, hear!

Hear, hear!



Ah, love, it makes the world go 'round!



Oh, you're wrong, Emily.



It makes it go up and down.



Here's to you, Governor--



Or should I say Senator?



Yes, I think you should.



And I should say that

I owe it all to you, Wally,



and to Robert.



Too bad judge Williams isn't here.



Hah. You'll see him

in about    to    years.



I'm sure when he comes out,



he'll feel like a new woman.



Hey, what do you say we all get naked



and see who the best man is?



Hey, I'm betting on you, Governor.






[Band plays tango]



Emily, baby,

they're playing our song!



Oh, no!






Ho ho!

Ooh, Wally!



Hey, thank you, everybody.



On today's show,

you're gonna meet a man



who has fallen in love...

with a squirrel.






Well, there you have it...



Alan Miller and... Acorn.







Pretty nice couple, I'd say.






[Devo performs Communication Breakup]




Special help by SergeiK