Men In Black Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Men In Black script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Men In Black. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Men In Black Script



Goddamn bugs.



Oh, shit!



Oh, crap.



Well, Nick the Dick.

What a surprise.



Where you coming from, Nick?



Fishing in Cuernavaca.



Sure you are.

Let's take a look at your catch.



Come on.



Me? I would've thrown them back.



What do you get?

     bucks a head?    ?



Hope you saved it all for your lawyer.

You are gonna need it.



We'll take it from here.



Who the hell are you?



I.N.S., Division  .



Division  ?

I never heard of Division  .






Who you got your money on, Dee?



Tough call, Kay.



- We've got a winner here.

- Oh, I know.






Don't ''sir'' me, young man. You have

no idea who you're dealing with.



We're going to chat with our friend.

You can hit the road.



Keep on protecting us

from the dangerous aliens.



You ever hear of Division  ?



There is no Division  .



- This is bullshit.

- Hell, yeah.



Looks like you fell off the bus

in the wrong part of town, amigo.



I'll bet dollars to pesos

you're not from anywhere near here.






When did they let you out of jail?



Political refugee. Right.



You know how many treaties

you just violated?



- One!

- Try seven.



That's enough, Mikey.

You hand me that head.



Put up your arms

and all your flippers.






Shoot him!









Was not human. I know.

You got some entrails on you, pal.



What the hell?



The situation's under control.

Calm down, please.



Give me your attention for a moment.

I'll tell you what happened.



This is called a neuralizer.



It's a gift from some friends

from out of town.



This red eye isolates...



the electronic impulses in your brains,

specifically memory.



Fellas, give me a splay burn around

the perimeter with holes...



at       and    meters

from right here. Thank you.



Good. Thank you.



- What in the hell is going on?

- Excellent question.



The answer you're looking for

lies right here.



Who are you, really?






I am just a figment

of your imagination.



Damn, what a gullible breed.



I'm serious, fellas. You're lucky

to be alive after a blast like that.



- What blast?

- The underground gas vein, genius.



You should exercise a lot more

caution before firing.



I'll tell you that right now.

Especially you.



Have yourselves checked out

with E.M.S. before you leave.



I'm sorry about back there.



That happens.



Didn't used to.



The spirit's willing, Kay, but...



the rest of me--



They're beautiful, aren't they?






The stars.



We never just look anymore.






I'll tell you, Kay...



I will miss the chase.



I will miss the chase.



No, Dee...



you won't.






N.Y.P.D., freeze!



All yours, Edwards.



Freeze means stop!



What the hell?



It just be raining black people

in New York.



Do you see this?






It means I will knock

your punk-ass down!



He's coming!



Yeah, and when he gets here,

I'll arrest his ass too.



You trying to catch a beat down?



What's up?



He's coming.



He's coming because I failed.

Now he'll kill me.



You pissing everybody off today, huh?



You don't understand.



Your world's going to end.



What the hell are you?



Watch that ledge.

Watch it.



Come down. We'll get those eyes fixed.

Don't even worry about it.



Wait a minute.

Let me talk to you!



I go out. I work my butt off

to make a living.



All I want is to come home

to a nice clean house...



with a nice fat steak

on the table...



but instead I get this.

Looks like poison.



but instead I get this.

Looks like poison.



Don't you take that away!

I'm eating that, damn it!



It is poison, isn't it?



I swear to God,

I wouldn't be surprised if it was...



the way you skulk around

like a dog been hit too much.



Or ain't been hit enough!

I can't make up my mind.



You're useless, Beatrice.



The only thing that pulls its weight

around here is my goddamn truck!






What the heck is it, Edgar?



Get your big butt

back in the house.



Place projectile weapon

on the ground.



You can have my gun...



when you pry it

from my cold, dead fingers.



Your proposal is acceptable.



Edgar, what on earth was that?






I've never seen sugar do that.



Give me sugar.



In water.









Your skin is hanging

off your bones.



Oh, yeah.



Is that better?



''The perpetrator then blinked

two sets of eyelids.''



You mean blinked with both eyes?



No, sir. He blinked one set,

then a completely different set.



You know, like high beams

and low beams.



Was that before...



or after he drew the weapon that you

claim evaporated into a million pieces?



After, sir.



Why is it that no other officers

saw either of these events?



Some other officers are soggy

around the midsection.



I guess that's why

they couldn't keep up.



If you were half the man I am--



What the hell?

I am half the man that you are.



- What is your problem?

- You being all up in my damn face.



- I think he threw him off the roof.

- Maybe you're next.



- I want to talk to you. Now.

- Ten minutes, take your best shot.



Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster,

you pudgy bastard.



I believe you.

Laurel Weaver, Deputy Medical Examiner.



Find me at the morgue on   th.

I'll show you.






Wait a minute!



You're Dr. Weaver with the coroner's

office working on theJohn Doe?



- Yes, that's right.

- Will you look at this, please?



Some night, huh?



Yeah, some night.



They were gills, not eyelids.




He was out of breath.



Who are you?



Did he say anything to you?



Yeah, the world was coming to an end.



Did he say when?



Would you recognize his weapon

if you saw it again?






Come on. Let's take a ride.



Wait a minute.

Look, I got tons of paperwork--



- Right. It's all done.

- Good work, Edwards.



You really ran this dude down on foot?

That's tough, kid.



That's double tough.



So who exactly are you with?



So who exactly are you with?



F.B.I.? N.S.A.?



I'm part of a bureau

that licenses, monitors and polices...



alien activity

on the planet Earth.






We're here.



- This is where we're going?

- Yeah.



This is JackJeebs' spot.

He buys from chain snatchers.



- He doesn't even sell guns.

- Really?



All right, look.



I'll slide in and put my thing down.

But when I come out I want answers.



Go put your thing down.



Officer Eduardo.



How did these get here? I thought

I turned them in to the authorities.



The way I hear it you're into

something hotter than stolen Rolexes.



I'm a huge crack dealer now,

but I work here as I love the hours.



I'm talking about guns, smart ass.



- Weird ones.

- Come on. What you see is what I got.



Why don't you

show him the imports,Jeebs?



- Hiya, Kay. How are you?

- Show him the imports right now.



I got out of that business

a long time ago.



- Why do you lie to me? I hate it.

-Just hold on a second.



- I'm gonna count to three.

- He'll do it,Jeebs.



- One...

- That man does not look stable.



- He's crazy when he's like this.

- He's always crazy.



Why don't you get a massage?

Take a cruise.



- Drop the weapon. Hands on your head!

- I warned him.



- Drop it! Don't make me kill you.

- You warned him.



You insensitive prick!



Do you have any idea

how much that stings?



Show us the merchandise

or you'll lose another head,Jeebs.



Mr. Edwards?



Right there.

The one in the middle.



You sold a reverberating carbonizer

with mutate capacity...



to an unlicensed cephlapoid!

Jeebs, you piece of--



He looked all right to me.



- Assassination. Who's the target?

- I don't know.



- Goddamn it,Jeebs!

- I don't know!



All that's confiscated.



I want you on the next transport

off this rock...



or I'll shoot you

where it don't grow back.



And I'm going to be back to talk

about them Rolexes.



Searching for a handle

on the moment?



I can't help you.



The only comfort I can offer...



is my promise that tomorrow morning

you won't remember a thing.



That's not exactly

some shit you just forget.



Ever seen one of these?



She looks over to her husband...



then sets it back down

in her lap and says...



'' Honey, this one's eating my popcorn.''



Get it?



- Yeah.

- '' Eating my popcorn.''



Gotta go.

Thanks for the egg rolls, kid.



Wait a minute.



Who are you?



See what I mean about tequila?

You're a bright young man,James.



But you need to lay off the sauce.

I'll see you bright and early,  :  .



Be there...



or be square.



Well, well, well.



Moving right in, are we?

Think we own the place?



I got an eviction notice

for you boys.



Just what exactly do you think

you're doing here?



Taking care of your pest problem.



Pest problem?






Yeah, you got

a hell of an infestation.



You know, I've noticed

an infestation here.



Everywhere I look in fact.



Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved,

barely conscious pond scum...



totally convinced

of their own superiority...



as they scurry about their short...



pointless lives.



Well, yeah.



Don't you want to get rid of them?



In the worst way.



Help you?



This dude gave me this card--






You're late. Sit down.



My name is Zed.



You're all here because you're

the best of the best.



Marines, Air Force, Navy SEALs,

Army Rangers, N.Y.P.D.



And we're looking

for one of you.



Just one.



What will follow is a series

of simple tests...



for motor skills,

concentration, stamina.



I see we have a question.



I'm sorry,

maybe you already answered this but...



why exactly are we here?






Second LieutenantJakeJensen.

West Point. Graduate with honors.



We're here because you want

the best of the best of the best, sir!



What's so funny, Edwards?



Your boy, Captain America, here.



''The best of the best

of the best, sir!''



''With honors.''



He's just really excited,

and he has no clue why we're here.



That's very funny to me.



Y'all ain't laughing, though.



Okay, let's get going.



Want to get down on this?



Edwards, what the hell happened?






May I ask why you felt

little Tiffany deserved to die?



She was the only one that actually

seemed dangerous at the time, sir.



How'd you decide that?



First, I was going to pop this guy

hanging from the streetlight...



but I realized

he's just working out.



How'd I feel if somebody bust me

in my ass while I'm on the treadmill?



Then I saw

this snarling beast guy...



and I noticed he had a tissue

in his hand and realized...



he's not snarling, he's sneezing.



Ain't no real threat there.



Then I saw Tiffany.



I'm thinking, eight-year-old white girl,

middle of the ghetto...



bunch of monsters at night

with quantum physics books.



She about to start some shit, Zed.



She's about eight. Those books are

way too advanced for her.



If you ask me,

she's up to something.



Honestly, I'd appreciate it

if you eased up off my back about it.



Or do I owe her an apology?



That was a good shot though, right?



He's got a real problem

with authority.



So do I.



But this kid ran down a cephlapoid

on foot, boss.



That's got to be tough enough.



Let's hope you know

what you're doing.







You're all we've come to expect...



from years

of government training.



If you'll just follow me,

we have one more test. An eye exam.



Where are you going?



Hey, man, what the hell

is all this?



In the mid-     s the government

started an underfunded agency...



with the simple and laughable purpose

of establishing contact...



with a race not of this planet.



Look directly at the end

of this device.



Everyone thought the agency was a joke,

except the aliens...



who made contact March         ,

outside New York.



There were nine of us

the first night.



Seven agents, one astronomer...



and one dumb kid who got lost

on the wrong back road.



Oh, you brought

that tall man some flowers.



This way.



They were a group

of intergalactic refugees.



Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone

for creatures without a planet.



Did you ever see ''Casablanca''?



Same thing, except no Nazis.



We agreed and concealed

all the evidence of their landing.



So these are real flying saucers...



and the World's Fair

was a cover-up for their landing?



Why else hold it in Queens?



More nonhumans arrive every year

and live among us in secret.



Look, I'm sorry.

Not to change the subject...



but when was the last time

you had a CAT scan?



Six months ago.

It's company policy.



Make another appointment.



Tell your boy Zed

I had an absolutely wonderful time...



and thank you for everything

but show me the door.



All right. I'm going to get some coffee.

You want some coffee?



No, thank you, I'm fine.



How you doing, fellas?



- Shit!

- Okay.



- That's not decaf, is it?

- Viennese cinnamon.



Don't tell me we only got powdered stuff

for cream. I hate that stuff.



Well, that's good.

Good. Good.



You guys getting along all right?



Don't work too hard.



So, you guys seen

the cahuengas on--



Sure you don't want coffee?



Cahuengas, yeah,

but how about the zapoata?



All right, kid,

here's the deal.



At any given time there are

around   ,    aliens on the planet.



Most of them

right here in Manhattan.



Most of them are decent enough.

Just trying to make a living.



- Cab drivers.

- Not as many as you'd think.



Humans, for the most part, don't have

a clue. Don't want or need one.



They're happy. They think

they have a good bead on things.



Why the big secret? People are smart.

They can handle it.



A person is smart.



People are dumb, panicky,

dangerous animals. You know it.



Fifteen hundred years ago,

everybody knew...



the Earth was the center

of the universe.



Five hundred years ago,

everybody knew the Earth was flat.



And fifteen minutes ago, you knew

that people were alone on this planet.



Imagine what you'll know...






- What's the catch?

- The catch.



The catch is you will sever

every human contact.



Nobody will ever know

you exist anywhere.






I'll give you to sunrise

to think it over.



Is it worth it?



Yeah, it's worth it...



if you're strong enough.



What's up, pops?



All right, I'm in...



because there's some next-level shit

going on here, and I'm with that.



But before y'all beam me up,

there's a few things to understand.



First off, you chose me...



so you recognize the skills.



I don't want nobody calling me ''son''

or ''kid'' or ''sport.'' Cool?



Whatever you say, slick.



But I need to tell you something

about all your skills.



As of right now...



As of right now...



they mean precisely...






- Purpose of trip?

- Diplomatic mission.



- Duration of stay?

- Lunch.



Any fruits or vegetables?



You want to stay away

from that guy.



He's grouchy.



Three-hour delay in customs

after a     trillion mile trip...



gonna make anybody cranky.




What branch of the government

do we report to?



- None, they ask too many questions.

- So who pays for all this?



We hold patents on a few gadgets

we confiscated from the visitors.



Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction.



This is a fascinating little gadget.



It'll replace CDs soon.



Guess I'll have to buy

the ''White Album'' again.



That's fun.

It's a universal translator.



We're not even supposed to have it.

I'll tell you why.



Human thought is so primitive

it's looked upon...



as an infectious disease

in some of the better galaxies.



That kind of makes you proud,

doesn't it?



What's this?



Just be calm.






Watch your head!



Somebody get him some ice.



Move!Just move

when it's coming at you!






I'm going to pay for that!



This thing caused

the       New York blackout.



Practical joke by the Great Attractor.



He thought it was funny as hell.



Sorry, y'all.



It was a accident.





the heart of our little endeavor.



Meet the twins Blblup and Bob.



This map shows the location

of every registered alien on Earth...



at any given time.

Some are under constant surveillance.



Everyone on those screens is an alien.



In public, they're normal as you are,

but in private, well...



You'll get the idea.



Oh, man.



Doesn't make any sense, does it?



Well, no,

it makes perfect sense.



When I was in third grade,

everyone said I was crazy...



but I knew our teacher was

from Venus or something like that.



Ms. Edelson.Jupiter, actually.

Well, one of the moons.






be quiet and pay attention!



If I have to tell you

one more time--






Let's put it on.



Put what on?



The last suit you'll ever wear.



You will dress only in attire

specially sanctioned...



by MIB special services.



You'll conform to the identity

we give you.



Eat where we tell you.

Live where we tell you.



From now on...



you'll have no identifying marks

of any kind.



You'll not stand out

in any way.



Your entire image is crafted to leave...



no lasting memory

with anyone you encounter.



You are a rumor...



recognizable only as déjà vu

and dismissed just as quickly.



You don't exist.

You were never even born.



Anonymity is your name.

Silence,your native tongue.



You're no longer part of the system.



You're above the system.

Over it. Beyond it.



We're ''them. '' We're ''they. ''



We are the Men in Black.



You know what the difference is

between you and me?



I make this look good.



We're going to go for a ride.



I'll put you down here for a minute

then Daddy will be right back.



Okay, now we're ready

to go for a little ride.



We're going to meet

with Daddy's friend who you'll like.



Let's see.






we've got the deposed sur-prefect

of Singalee...



touching down in the forest

outside Portland tonight.



- Humanoid?

- You wish. Bring a sponge.



And here.

Red letter from last night.



We had an unauthorized landing

somewhere in upstate New York.



Kay, keep your ears open

on this one.



We're not hosting

an intergalactic kegger down here.



Well, we got a skimmer.



Landed alien out of zone.

Who is it?






He's not cleared

to leave Manhattan...



but he's way out of town now,

stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike.



Why don't you take junior with you?



This is a good one

for him to warm up on.



Go get him, tiger.



''We're not hosting

an intergalactic kegger.''






He just...



Unlimited technology

from the whole universe...



and we cruise around

in a Ford P.O.S.



Fasten your seat belt.



We got to work

on your people skills.



You'd get a much better reaction

if you were more polite.



- Fasten your seat belt, please.

- Good. Did you hurt yourself?



Oh, the red button there.

Don't ever, ever touch it.



All right, pop,

that'll be $   there.



Okay, sweetie,

let me pay the impolite driver.



Six is up!



- Where is Ivan?

- Gave him a break.



You can kill us both,

but you will not find the galaxy.



You're right about one thing.



You're not going anywhere, pal.



What's going on?



I'd like to see

your license and registration, please.



Like to see your other license

and registration, please.



You're restricted to Manhattan.

Where are you going, Redgie?



It's my wife.

She's-- Well, look.



All right. No big deal.



Okay, you come with me, Redge.



And you handle this.



What! Me?



It's easy.

You just catch.



- He knows what he's doing?

- He does it all the time.



Let the man work.



Damn, man! So--

Something's peaking!



Croagg the midwife is

at   th and Madison.



You're headed out of town.

What's going on?



- We're meeting someone.

- Who you meeting?



It's a ship.



I saw no departure clearance

for today.



- You didn't?

- No.



- It's an emergency.

- Kay! Kay!



- You're doing fine, ace.

- Kiss my ass!



What kind of emergency?

What's the rush to get off the planet?



Excuse me, miss.



We just don't like

the neighborhood anymore.



Some of the new arrivals.



New arrivals? Have anything to do

with the crash last night?



Excuse me, miss!



Oh, man.



Oh, man!






Oh, man.



Congratulations, Redge.

It's a...









actually kind of...






Anything about that

seem unusual to you?



What would scare Redgick so badly

he'd risk a warp jump with a newborn?



We'll check the hot sheets.



These are the hot sheets?



Best investigative reporting

on the planet.



Read the '' New York Times'' if you want.

They get lucky sometimes.



I cannot believe you're looking

for tips in the supermarket tabloids.



Not looking for.






Wait, slow down.






Give her time to get the wrong

impression. Makes things smoother.



Can I help you, gentlemen?



Yes, ma'am. I'm Agent Manheim,

this is Agent Black, with the F.B.I.



We'd like to talk about your visitor.



You here to make fun of me too?



We at the F.B.I. do not have a sense

of humor we're aware of. May we come in?






- Thank you.

- Lemonade?



Oh, yes, please.



The chief of police himself come

up to the house...



and did a full-out

professional investigation.



Took a police report

and writ down everything I said...



from A to Z,

not believing one thing I said.



Sort of poking fun at me.



Then they asked,

''If he was murdered...



how was he able to walk

back in the house?''



I gotta admit to you

that one got me sorta stumped.



But I know Edgar

and that wasn't Edgar.



It was like

something was wearing Edgar.



Like a suit.



An Edgar suit.



Dude was that ugly

before he was an alien.



I'm sorry.



Go on.






I come to and he's gone.



- Did he say anything?

- Yes.



He asked me for some water.



Some sugar water.



- Sugar water?

- Yeah, I remember that right.



'Cause I thought that was odd.



That he asked me for sugar water

and not lemonade or ice water or...



regular water or...



tap water.



All right, Beatrice.

There was no alien.



The flash of light you saw

in the sky was not a U.F.O.



Swamp gas from a weather balloon

was trapped in a thermal pocket...



and refracted the light from Venus.



Wait a minute.

You flash that thing...



it erases her memory

and you just make up a new one?



A standard-issue neuralizer.



That weak-ass story is

the best you can come up with?



All right.



On a more personal note,

Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend.



You'll go stay with your mom

a couple nights.



You'll get over it

and decide you're better off.



Yeah, because he never

appreciated you anyway.



In fact, you know what?



You kicked him out.

And now that he's gone...



you'll go into town,

find yourself some nice dresses.



Get yourself some shoes.

Find somewhere you could get a facial.






hire a decorator

to come here quick because, damn!



Yo, Kay, check it out.

When do I get my own flashy...



memory messer-upper thing?



When you grow up.



Please, not green.






I don't suppose you know

what kind of alien life-form...



leaves a green spectral trail

and craves sugar water?



Wait. That was

on '' FinalJeopardy'' last night.



- Damn, Alex said it was--

- Zed, we have a bug.







We don't like bugs?



Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger.



They consume, infest, destroy, live off

the destruction of other species.



- You were stung as a child, right?

- Listen, kid.



Imagine a giant cockroach

with unlimited strength...



a massive inferiority complex,

and a real short temper...



is tear-assing around Manhattan Island

in a brand-new Edgar suit.



Sound like fun?



What's the move?



With the bug in town,

we'll watch the morgues.



Where do you want

contestant number three?



Just leave it there.



What's with the cat?



There's a problem with the cat.

Sign here.



- What's the problem with the cat?

- It's your problem.



I hate the living.



Shall we?



Oh, my God!



Buddy, what are you?



Subject was approximately       degrees

at time of autopsy...



indicating an increase

in body temperature.



Examiner tried

to verify this rectally...



only to find the subject was

without rectum.



- Which is, needless to say, really--

- Weird.



I'm Dr. Leo Manville,

Department of Public Health.



This is Dr. White.



You boys must not have

much of a home life.



We watch the morgues very carefully.

Seen something unusual?



I'd say so.

Triple homicide.



The first body was pretty normal,

except he was broken in half.



The first body was pretty normal,

except he was broken in half.



But when I opened up

the other two, well-- Let me show you.



There's a skeletal structure

unlike any I've ever seen before.



I'll look at it.



Dr. White, why don't you and Dr. Weaver

check out the other body?



This way, Doctor.



This one's even stranger.



I did a full laparotomy.



I began with the stomach. We can start

with the gastroesophageal junction.



Whichever you prefer.



Let's start

wherever you started at.






- Your cat?

- Guess it is now.



It came in with the body.

Dive right in.



I'm sure he won't mind.



You have really pretty eyes.



Thank you.



Feel that?



Where the pyloric junction would be?

Push it aside.



Notice anything strange?

Stomach, liver, lungs?



No, all fine.



Doctor, they're all missing.



Well, of course.



That's obviously the first thing

I noticed.



What I was pointing out is the fact

that there are no...






of them left.



You know, so they're intact.



Wherever they are. Whole, somewhere.

That we can be sure of.



Have we met before?



I'm having the strangest feeling

of déjà vu.



- Yeah, me too.

- Really?



Okay, you want to know

what I really think?



But don't tell him,

he's under enough stress.



I don't think it's a real body.



I think it's some kind of transport unit

for something else altogether.



The question is, what?



Is this freaking you out?



No, girl.



You know what I like to do sometimes

when it's late?






Dr. White.



Excuse me.



What do you think?



Very interesting. She got a real

Queen-of-the-Undead thing going--



- Of the body.

- Great body.



The dead body.



Man, you have to look

at that thing.



You recognize him?



Yeah, he looks like the big guy I saw

down at headquarters, only deader.



What do you think killed him?



- A bug?

- Dr. White.



You're up, slugger.



Look at this.



What the hell is that?






To prevent...






It's okay.

What are you trying to say?



To prevent...



''To prevent...''









To prevent...









The galaxy...










What is word?



The bed?




Orion's belt?



''To prevent war

the galaxy is on Orion's belt.''



What the hell

does that mean?






- whatever, come here!

- Dr. ''Whatever''?



You guys aren't really from

the Department of Health, are you?




Ah, damn.



The Arquillians will not like this.

He was one of the royal family.



I knew it.

This is an alien.



And you're from some government agency

trying to keep it under wraps.



He said, ''To prevent war,

the galaxy is on Orion's belt.''



This makes total sense.

How else do you explain New York?



The other day I was

in this cab and this guy--



''Galaxy on Orion's belt''

doesn't make sense.



That's what the little dude

inside the big dude's head said. Right?



Right after--



Damn, man.

You did the flashy thing already.



Whoever you are, you have to show I.D.

if you're gonna be in the morgue.



Of course, young lady.

Look at this for me, please.



- Would you stop that?

- What?



That thing is gonna give her

brain cancer or something.



Never hurt her before.

We have to close all the doors here.



Special Services will be here

any minute.



'' Before''! How many times have you

flashy-thinged that poor woman?






- No worries about no long-term damage?

- Little.



- Have you ever flashy-thinged me?

- No.



- I ain't playing with you! Have you?

- No.



I think I should be in charge

of the flashy thing department.



Not while I'm around, ace.



You won't be happy till you fricassee

someone's brain out.



We got two dead aliens

and a Deputy Medical Examiner...



- that needs a new memory.

- Yes, sir.



Make it a happy memory.



Where is it?



Hey, Zed.



Doesn't anyone ever get

any sleep around here?



The twins keep us on Centaurian time.

It's a   -hour day.



Give it a few months, you'll get used

to it. Or have a psychotic episode.



Here's Orion.



It's a grouping of the brightest stars

in the northern sky.



- And here's Orion's belt.

- That's what the little guy said.



''To prevent war,

the galaxy is on Orion's belt.''



Junior, there are no galaxies

on Orion's belt.



The belt is just these three stars.



Galaxies are huge.

They're made up of billions of stars.



You heard wrong.



Look, whatever,

I know what I heard.



Pretty lady.



The grumpy guy's story is starting

to come into focus a little bit here.



You were the guy in the picture

you showed me with the flowers.



And, I take it,

she never got those flowers.



So, what, she ever get

married or anything?



You know what they say.



''It's better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all.''



Try it.



Take a look at this.



My God, they're all leaving.



We've had     jump in the last hour.

Redgick was just the first.



What do they know that we don't?



Why does a rat desert a ship?



Give me Lem Sat   with a proton

induction thermoscan, please.



Thank you. Okay.

Lem Sat    .



All right,     .



- That's an Arquillian battle cruiser.

- We've got a dead Arquillian prince.



Speak of the devil.



They sound pissed.



Boys, translate that.

Step on it.



Go to Rosenberg's jewelry store

and see what you can turn up.



Give the kid a weapon.



- Series   de-atomizer.

- That's what I'm talking about.



Noisy cricket.



Kay, no, no,

come on, man.



You get a Series   de-atomizer...



I get a midget cricket?



Feel like I'm going

to break this damn thing.



Hey, this is my truck!



Make sure you tell them that

down at the impound.






Who breaks into a jewelry store

and leaves all the jewels?



Somebody not looking for jewelry.



He had a serious crush on his cat.



Get down!






That's him. That's the bug!



In the Edgar suit!



We do not discharge our weapons

in view of the public!



We ain't got time

for this cover-up bullshit!



Have you forgotten?

There's an alien battle cruiser--



There's always an alien battle cruiser

or a Korilian death ray...



or an intergalactic plague

about to wipe out life on this planet.



The only way people get on

with their happy lives...



is they do not know about it!



Don't worry about the bug.



He's not leaving town.

We've got his ship.



Zed, we need a containment crew...



on MacDougal Street

south of Houston.



Containment may be a moot point, friend.

The exodus continues.



It's like the party's over and the last

one to leave gets stuck with the check.



You sorry little ingrates!



What about the Arquillians?



We've only translated part

of the message so far:



- '' Deliver the galaxy.''

- They don't want much, do they?



Oh, it gets better.



They hold us responsible.



Where do you keep your dead?



I don't have any dead.






I don't know.



The city morgue?



That's three for a dollar, sir!



It was some light that refracted

off of Venus...



into some swamp gas...



and that's what made the--



All right, kid!



Excuse me.

What's up?



The Arquillians want the galaxy,

whatever the hell that means.



We need help, a professional.



Somebody with years of experience

in intergalactic politics.



I just hope the little prick

hasn't skipped town.



May I have your attention?

Thank you.



If you'll gather over here.



That's right, move in closer.

That's good.



If you look right here,

I'd appreciate it. Thank you.



That's the worse disguise ever.

He's obviously an alien.



You don't like it,

you can kiss my furry little butt.



You busy, Frank?



Can't talk now.

My flight's leaving in--



- Get your paws off me!

- Call the pound! We got a stray.



The dog owes my friend money.



Arquillians and bugs, Frank,

what do you know?



- Nothing.

- Nothing?



Stop it. Stop it.

Okay. Okay.



Rosenberg wasn't some

two-bit Arquillian.



He was the guardian of a whole galaxy.

They thought he'd be safe on Earth.



The bug had other plans.



The galaxy is the best source

for subatomic energy in the universe.



If the bugs get their slimy claws on it,

kiss the Arquillians good-bye.



Ask about the belt.



Rosenberg mentioned a galaxy

on Orion's belt.



- What's he mean?

- Beats me.



Not around.



They're rehearsing

a ventriloquist act.



The galaxy is here!



What do you mean ''here''?



Galaxy's millions of stars and planets.

How's it here?



You humans!

When will you learn size doesn't matter?



Just because something's important,

doesn't mean it's not very small.



- How small?

- Tiny. Like a marble or a jewel.



If you'll excuse me,

I gotta be walked before my flight.



All right.

Get out of here.



If the galaxy's here,

it's not on Orion's belt.



Boy, when you want attention--






That's a pretty name.



What's this?



Yes, good, thank you.



Thank you for making sure

the bell works.



What's up, FarmerJohn?



A man came in here earlier.



A dead man.



And that means what to me?



It was a very dear friend of mine.



I believe he had

an animal with him.



It was a gift I gave him.

A pet cat.



It means worlds to me.



I'd like to have it back.



I'm gonna need

a picture I.D...



written proof

of ownership of the cat...



notarized proof of kinship with...



the deceased.



Don't do that.



Do what?



Don't do it.



Oh, man.



- Look, Kay, let me handle this one.

- What?



All we gotta do is get a cat.

It's not really that hard.



But if you go in,

you'll lay yourJack Webb on her.



Flash your brain ray all in her face.

She'll wind up with leukemia.



She's a doctor. She don't need you

flashing away her med school classes.



- Five minutes.

- Two minutes.



- Where's the animal?

- I told you I don't know.



Let's see if we can find it.









- How you doing?

- Hello.



I'm Sergeant Friday,

from the   th precinct.



A cat came in with a corpse

the other day.



- ''Orion'' on the name tag.

- Yes, that's right.



This cat is a...



a witness in a murder case.



I'm gonna need to take him,

ask him a few questions.



- I don't know where the cat is.

- You don't?



No, but maybe you could

take me with you instead.



Damn, you do start fast,

don't you?



I'd really like to go with you...






And exactly why is that?



There's something

I need to show you.



Slow down, girl.

You ain't got to hit the gas like that.



You don't understand.

You really need to see this.



I will, I will. One thing, I got

to drive. It's not some macho trip.



I'm saying

that's the way I get down.



Look, stud,

you're really not getting this.



There's something

I need you to help me with.



- Freeze it, bug!

- Christ, you are thick!



- How was I to know?

- Should I have sung it for you?



If you weren't coming on like--



That is so typical. A woman shows

a hint of sexual independence--



- Shut up!

- Let her go, shiteater.



Listen, monkey-boy.



Compared to you humans, I'm on the top

rung of the evolutionary ladder.



- So can it.

- You're breaking my heart.



Show me your face

and I'll cure all your ills.



Ever pull wings off a fly?

Care to see the fly get even?



How far can you go with no ship?



If that's what you call that space trash

we got locked in the office.



- Put your weapons down!

- Never going to happen, insect.



- It's okay.

- How is it okay?



I'm saying it's going to be okay.



Don't bet on it, meat sack.



Let me go!



Go on!



- Take me here.

- No way.



Take me!



He's in a cab!



Don't move! Don't move!

Don't move!



Hey, man, what?



He's not leaving the planet in a cab.

Let's go.



Come with me. Put up a bio-net

all the way around Manhattan.



If it's not human,

I don't want it to leave this island.



What do we hear from

our friends upstairs?



Same thing.

'' Deliver the galaxy.''



The bug has the galaxy but we have

his ship. He's looking for a way out.



Warning. Protonic fusion detection.



What the hell

they shooting at us for?



Battle rules, kid.

First, we get an ultimatum...



then a warning shot, then a galactic

standard week to respond.



A galactic standard week?

How long is that?



One hour.



One hour?



Then what?



That's bullshit.



Kid, to keep the bugs from getting it,

the Arquillians will destroy the galaxy.



And whatever planet it's on.



- You're talking about us.

- Sucks, huh?



I'm getting the location of every

interstellar vehicle within      miles.



I already did.

Frank took the last ship.



- Snedens Landing and Throg's Neck.

- They're gone.



- Atlantic City.

- Adios.



- Bayonne?

- Gone.



- There's Three Mile Island.

- Gone.



- Y'all.

- Staten Island?



- Gone, thank God.

- Fellas!



We're running out of time.

If the bug leaves with the galaxy--



Hey, old guys!



Do those still work?



- You're coming with me.

- What?



It's a long trip.

I'll need a snack.



It's a long trip.

I'll need a snack.



Wait, the tunnel?



- You know a better way to Queens?

- It's gonna be packed.



- Remember the little red button?

- Yeah.



Push the red button.



You may want to wear a seat belt.



You're much too tense.

You're a young man.



You need to relax.

Learn to take some joy in your work.



You like music?






That's better.



You do know Elvis is dead?



No, Elvis is not dead.

He just went home.



You don't want to eat me.

I'm important on my planet. A queen!



A goddess, even.

There are those who worship me.



I'm not trying to impress you.Just

letting you know it could start a war!



Good, war. That means more food

for my family. All     million of them.



- That's a lot of mouths to feed.

- Wonderful, but I'm staying here!



Now, that's what I'm talking about.



Roaches check in.



But they don't check out.






Eight minutes

to the destruction of Earth.



Eight minutes to destruction.



We'll use pulsar level  

with a sub-sonic implosion factor.






Just shoot the damn thing

on the count of three. One...



two, three.



You idiots!



You don't get it!



I've won.



It's over.



It's over.



You milk suckers!



You don't matter.



In a few seconds,

you won't even be matter.



You're under arrest for violating

sections of the Tycho Treaty.



So hand over whatever galaxy

you are carrying and step away...



from your busted-ass vehicle

and put your hands on your head.



I'll put my hands...



on my head.



Like this?



That did not go at all

how I'd planned.



Whatever happens,

don't let him on the second ship.



- What are you talking about?

- Keep him on this planet.



Kay, where are you going?



I'm getting my gun back.



Hey, bug!



You know how many of your kind

I've swatted with a newspaper?



You're nothing but a smear

on the sports page to me...



you slimy, gut-sucking,

intestinal parasite!



Eat me!



Eat me!



What's up?



You just going to eat and run, huh?

What about dessert?



That's it?



Where you going?

This party's just getting started.



Where're you going?



Where you going?






There's one way off this planet, baby,

and that's through me.



Where're you going?



Why you runnin', huh?



I'm still standing.



Come on. Bring it.

Bring it.



I'm sorry.

Was that your auntie?



That must mean

that's your uncle, huh?



You know you all look alike.



Well, well.



Big bad bug got a bit

of a soft spot, huh?



What I can't understand

is why you...



got to come down here

bringing all this ruckus.



Snatching up galaxies and everything.



My attitude is, don't start nothing,

won't be nothing.



You need to ease up out my face

before something bad happen to you.



Too late.



Call the Arquillians.

Tell them we have the galaxy.



You got it, friend.



Going to get your gun back, huh?



I like this gun.



While you were in there playing around,

I was here doing all the work.



First, I had to bean him in the head

with this big rock.



Then I was going to hit him

with a two-by-four.



He kicked me.

You know, it hurt.



Then I got the fire.

I was ''yah'' with the fire.



Not bad for your second day

of work, is it?



This definitely rates about a  . 

on my weird-shit-o-meter.



Should've been here

for the Zeronion migration in      .



I guess you weren't

even alive in '  .



Interesting job you guys have.



Look, I know we got rules

and everything, but...



she did help us bust that bug.

Maybe we don't have to flashy thing her.



Come on. Who she gonna tell?

She hang out with all dead people.



It's not for her.



It's for me.






They're beautiful, aren't they?






I never look at them anymore,

but they actually are quite...






Kay, you're frightening

your partner.



I haven't been training a partner.

I've been training a replacement.



Wait a minute, Kay.



I cannot do this job by myself.



Hey, guys.

My apartment isn't anywhere near here.



It's not even

on the same island.












Always face it forward.



I've just been down the gullet

of an interstellar cockroach, kid.



That's one of a hundred memories

that I don't want.



See you around,Jay.






you won't.



Zed called. The Solaxiant   consulate

wants floor seats for the Knicks game.



Put in a call for Dennis Rodman,

he's from that planet.



Rodman? You're kidding.






Not much of a disguise.




Special help by SergeiK