Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy
Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Woody Allen movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
(Mendelssohn's "Wedding March")
Ghosts? Little spirits or pixies?
I don't believe in 'em.
- Do you, Mr Foxx?
- No, sir.
You sound it, with all
your metaphysical gibberish.
I didn't mean ghosts as spirits, Professor.
Nothing is real but experience -
that which can be touched, tasted, felt
or, in some scientific fashion, proved.
We must never substitute
that are marked by similar properties
and recurrences for fixed substances.
Mr Snell, since these are the last few
moments before the summer vacation,
I would appreciate it if you could
remain awake until the final bell.
I'm sorry, sir.
I take it you rule out metaphysics
as unworthy of serious consideration.
As I stated quite clearly
in my latest paper,
metaphysical philosophers are men who
are too weak to accept the world as it is.
Their theories of the so-called
"mysteries of life"
are nothing more than projections
of their own inner uneasiness.
Apart from this world,
there are no realities.
But that leaves many basic
human needs unanswered.
I'm sorry. I did not create the cosmos.
I merely explain it.
(bell chimes the hour)
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Do you have a photo of the lucky woman?
- The wedding is tomorrow?
- The day after. Sunday.
We're going to my cousin's
for a country ceremony.
- She's magnificent!
- She'll be the final jewel in your crown.
Is it boorish of me to ask you
to inscribe your books?
I agree with you about Balzac.
He's vastly overrated.
- She has the face of an angel.
- And the disposition of one, as well.
As someone who has resolutely
I now must admit to being
the fortunate individual
on whom fortune showers her favours.
She must appreciate what
an extraordinary catch she's getting.
- You flatter me, Ambrose.
- I flatter him!
A philosopher, an art critic, an astute
political theorist, an outspoken pacifist.
- A man of culture!
- And a singer of Schubert lieder.
Come now, am I to be overpraised
merely for being a civilised human?
What after the wedding?
We are only having one week of leisure,
which we will spend in London -
a long-awaited opportunity
to show her Thomas Carlyle's grave.
we depart for the continent,
where I have consented to give
a series of lectures on Renaissance art.
It will be a pleasure to bring Tintoretto
into perspective for his many sycophants.
- (woman) Andrew, are you all right?
- Yeah. No, I'm fine.
I can't seem to get airborne
with my wings for some reason.
And I've had wonderful success
with my flying bicycle.
Why does a beautiful day like today
give me such a sad feeling?
Adrian, I don't want to hear anything sad
now. I want this to be a terrific time for us.
I just wanna relax and have a good time
and go fishing
and work on my inventions,
and I don't wanna think about Wall Street.
This is supposed to be a vacation.
I never noticed this thing before,
Andrew. What is that?
That's my spirit ball. If it works - which
I doubt - it penetrates the unseen world.
Oh, yeah? Which unseen world is that?
You do admit that there's more to life
than meets the eye? Either that, or I weep.
- Yeah, well, like what?
- Like ectoplasm and various energies.
I want that thing to emit light rays,
and to capture the future and the past.
Incidentally, I'm putting my cousin
Leopold and his fiancée in our bedroom.
We'll take the guest room for the night.
It'll be much nicer before their wedding.
Imagine sharing a bed before marriage.
It's a little bit depraved.
I'm very anxious to meet your cousin,
cos I tried to read both his books.
I couldn't get through the first one
or the second one.
Is Maxwell going to come up alone
or will he bring a guest?
Maxwell appear without
You know better than that.
You look adorable.
Oh, Andrew. Um...
I don't know where he comes up
with some of these women.
He's a doctor. These poor women in
the tubercular ward show him gratitude.
Don't think I don't notice you leering
at his buxom weekend guests.
I leer. I admit it.
I look. I leer. I salivate.
I salivated the day that I met you.
Andrew, what are you doing?
- Come on, Adrian.
- It's high noon!
This'll give you an appetite.
We can't go on like this.
Because my husband is beginning to
realise there's nothing wrong with me.
It's medically sound
to have periodic checkups.
Yes, but not so many. The president
doesn't have this kind of healthcare.
- Come away with me this weekend.
- Oh, I can't!
- Why? You know how I feel about you.
- You know how much I wanna come,
but it's just not possible.
This is the best weekend
of the whole summer.
- Oh, Maxwell!
If there are other guests,
we'll have to have separate rooms...
That's OK. You can always
leave your door unlocked.
- I can't.
- We'd have fun.
It's impossible! Stop asking me.
Another time, I promise.
- You swear?
- I swear. Now I have to go out.
Thank you, Doctor.
It's all right, Charles.
It's only a muscle spasm.
Come in next Tuesday at three.
I'd like to take one more look.
What are you smiling at, Miss Ford?
I was thinking about something
I read in The Katzenjammer Kids.
- What are you doing this weekend?
- Me? Oh...
I'll probably go to Coney Island. Why?
- Come away with me.
To the country. The cousin of my
best friend's wife is getting married.
- A few of us are gonna celebrate.
- Is it all right if I called you Dulcy?
- (laughs) Yes. I'm just surprised.
Did you not know that I've had my eye
on you these last two weeks?
I've only been working here for five days.
I lose track.
You always seem so shy around me.
The nurses on the floor say you're fast.
- I mean, I think you're handsome.
Come with me. We'll have a fabulous
weekend. We'll sun, swim and drink beer.
Naturally, I'll make sure
we have separate rooms.
We don't need separate rooms.
I'm sorry about this afternoon.
- It's not your fault. It's probably me.
- I don't know what's wrong with me.
What's wrong is that
we have a bad sex life.
- But why?
- Because we never sleep together now.
- But what went wrong?
- Don't ask me.
Everything seemed great till about a year
ago, then you just sort of cooled off.
I've apologised to you
about a hundred times.
You don't have to. I must have done
something to make you feel that way.
No. I can't explain it. I just started
having those moods and odd feelings.
And the annoying thing is
that I get tense and I can't relax
and the whole thing gets destroyed.
I know. It's become a chore.
Right. It's not the kind of thing that
should be hanging over our heads all day,
that we're gonna be in bed together.
- It's not fair to you.
- It's not fair to you either.
That's why today at the barn I tried
to do it quickly and get it over with...
I don't mean "get it over with"
in a horrible way.
I mean that... I don't know what else to do.
Adrian, I'm sorry.
- Come on, I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
Could you get me a headache tablet?
We should ask Maxwell.
He's a friend and a doctor.
God, no! I don't want everybody
to know our personal problems.
What about your cousin?
He's a philosopher.
Do geniuses have problems
with their sex lives?
(Adrian) Oh, please, don't bring it up!
(Andrew) I'm only kidding.
So who's he marrying anyhow?
What does she do?
Is she also a philosopher,
an astronomer or something?
(Adrian) She doesn't do anything.
I think that her family's in politics.
I believe her name is Ariel Weymouth.
Did you drop something?
Yeah, I dropped a glass.
I better get the broom and make sure
all the slivers are up off the floor.
(tinkling)(Mendelssohn's "Symphony No. in A Minor")(car approaches)(Andrew) Hi! Hey, Maxwell!
Andrew, my goodness!
How are you? Be careful.
This is Dulcy. Andrew.
- Don't kill yourself. We just got here.
He delights in making impractical but...
- This is Dulcy.
- How do you do?
Charmed, I'm sure.
- He's down.
- Don't worry. I always carry bandages.
You must be tired after your motor trip.
Can I show you to your room... rooms?
- It's up to him.
- We'll just use one room.
- (Andrew) Maxwell!
- Andrew, you OK?
- I've fractured my last remaining nose.
- You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.
Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor
with a licence is no smarter.
The man always insults me,
but when he's sick...
- Yeah, who overcharges me?
- But you always get well, don't you?
I would get well even without the leeches.
- Say hello to Dulcy.
- Hello, Dulcy.
Charmed, I'm sure.
- Maxwell, I'll help you with that.
- I'll show you to the house.
- Oh, it's a beautiful house.
- Thank you.
It was Andrew's before we were married.
Mm, smell that air.
Oh, a hammock. That's so nostalgic.
I lost it in a hammock.
- Pardon me?
- You really have to have good balance.
What is she, years old? ?
She's twice that. She's very experienced.
She couldn't keep her hands off me.
Will you grow up? You're like a character
in Greek mythology who's half-goat.
- You only live once.
- Yeah, I know your theory.
I see what goes on at the hospital.
I've had a hell of a week.
- People with tumours and brain damage,
a guy with sudden heart failure... Young
people. We tell 'em they're gonna die.
And they never seized the moment, never
had a life. "Gather ye rosebuds", Andrew.
So you never have any interest
in getting married?
I don't stick around
long enough to fall in love.
Marriage for me is the death of hope.
Plus I can't seem to find that one person.
What is it? What's the matter, Andrew?
Maxwell, things are very bad
with Adrian and myself.
- Yeah. We don't sleep together any more.
- That could be just temporary.
- It's been going on for six months.
- I don't know what to do.
- That's a long time.
- Maybe I should take your pulse.
- Oh, Jesus... It's awful.
She was never like that,
and then one day it just set in.
- Do you cheat?
- Of course I don't cheat.
What I do is I pour all my energy
into my inventions.
Because of my problem in bed with her,
I can now fly. It's awful.
Maybe she's anaemic.
Although it sounds like it's mental.
They're doing some amazing things
with hypnosis now in Europe.
Hi! Maxwell, come on up!
She's a very pretty little girl, isn't she?
- Dulcy, Maxwell's guest.
Why? Who were you thinking of?
Yes, she's adorable, I think. She is.
What was going through
your mind just now?
Just... Nothing. Why?
Last night, when you broke that glass
and I came upstairs to sweep it,
you were just sitting on the edge of
the bathtub, looking off into the distance.
I was exhausted.
Do you know Ariel Weymouth?
How is it possible for me... Of course not.
Don't be silly, Adrian.
She's very freethinking
and forward, isn't she?
- Who, Ariel Weymouth?
- No, Dulcy.
She seems to give off animal vibrations.
Yeah, well, she's a nurse.
Well, not every nurse is sexy.
But they're very knowledgeable
about the body.
They know exactly how all the organs
function, so they're wonderful.
Maybe I should ask for lessons.
I bet she'd be willing to answer
any questions that you might have.
I was just joking.
You think I need lessons?
Do you like it?
No, not a bit. My blood pressure
is always over .
It drives them wild at Coney Island.
But if we're gonna be in a country stream,
why do I have to wear anything at all?
Well, it might shock Andrew. He's elderly.
I brought some contraceptives
with me in case you forgot.
Oh, good. Cos I only brought .
(car horn)(Maxwell sighs)(car horn)
It's wonderful to see you again.
- Hi, there.
- You must be Ariel.
I'm Adrian. This is my husband Andrew.
- Yes, we've met before.
- Ariel told me about it.
It was such a coincidence when Leopold
said you were his cousin's husband.
I told him we were old friends.
I didn't know it was the same... I couldn't
imagine it was the same Ariel Weymouth.
I'll get the luggage, right?
(Leopold) Like each snowflake,
there is only one Ariel Weymouth.
"Only one Ariel..." Did you hear?
It's been a long time, Cousin Adrian.
(Adrian) Professor Leopold Sturgis,
Dr Maxwell Jordan.
- (Adrian) Dulcy Ford, Ariel Weymouth.
Blue Moon Glow.
That's exactly right. I'm amazed.
I didn't think they sold it in this country.
Well, an old love of mine wore it.
A ballerina from Spain.
And the scent you're wearing,
is that Bay Rum?
Yes, exactly right.
Straight from the corner drugstore.
We recognise each other's smells.
In the animal kingdom, we'd be married.
Are you the Dr Jordan who
wrote the book on natural science?
- Yes, it's my hobby.
- I must be honest. I thought it was poor.
It wasn't great. I'm just
an amateur speculator on science.
I liked your book, Professor.
Both of 'em. I liked both of 'em.
The first one was chosen as the best
philosophical treatise of the year.
- Which one?
- Conceptual Pragmatism.
I haven't gotten to that yet.
Exactly what is it?
- The house is exactly as I remember it.
- You've been here before?
- Just once. Years ago.
- What an odd coincidence.
Shall I show you to your room,
or do you know the way?
(laughs) "Do you know the way?"
Did you hear that?
"Sumer is icumen in,
Lhude sing cuccu!"
"Groweth sed, and bloweth med,
And springth the wude nu."
So, you've been here before.
You've met Andrew?
Yes. A long time ago,
before I left for Paris.
We spent a little time together.
I've been to Paris twice,
but I was miserable both times.
Probably because I was there
with the wrong person.
because it's such a romantic place.
If two people are really in love,
a city like Paris becomes a great medium
through which to explore their feelings.
- Don't you think, Leopold?
- I like large cities.
Oh, and in the rain...
Tell me about your book, Professor.
What's the plot?
- What do you do, Miss, uh...?
I'm a nurse, but I get to do a lot of reading.
The patients all have books.
A lot of them are too weak to read,
or they die and I get to keep the copies.
Look, why don't we change our clothes
and play badminton?
- (Adrian) How could you lie to me?
- (Andrew) I didn't lie, Adrian.
I was not lying.
- Do you wanna know why I lied?
- You told me you didn't know her.
- Yes, that part I admit.
- What do you mean, "admit"?
- I caught you! You were exposed!
- May I make my point, please?
- Why didn't you want me to know?
- The way things are in our marriage,
I thought you'd be full
of fear and suspicion.
- I thought you'd be uneasy all weekend.
- Because you're guilty.
Guilty? That's a laugh. How am I guilty?
How can I be guilty if I didn't do anything?
Why should I be uneasy
unless you were lovers?
Lovers? I never laid
a finger on the woman.
Didn't you even think
she was gonna give you away?
I thought it was so insignificant she
wouldn't remember. It was so long ago.
You think that I would care?
I know I wasn't the first one.
It's just that you lied to me
that makes me wonder.
You dropped that glass
at the mention of her name.
Our marriage is not going well,
so I thought the less said, the better.
- You went out with her?
- No, never!
- Yeah, once.
- Once, and you took her here?
So twice, three times. You gonna quibble?
I drove her up here.
It was a simple thing.
I showed her the premises and I drove her
back to New York City. It was very easy...
- I swear by my mother.
- You didn't make love to her?
No! I would remember that.
And what if I did?
Which I didn't. I never did.
I've got a really terrible headache.
I'm gonna go get more tablets.
Listen, so how do you feel about her now,
when you see her after all these years?
This is why I didn't tell you. If things were
OK between us, this wouldn't bother you.
But you're so vulnerable,
and they'll be here all weekend,
- and we don't sleep together any more...
- Oh! Not so loud.
- And she's so beautiful...
That's a simple fact.
A blind man could see that.
Adrian, I love you. I was never in love with
Ariel Weymouth and I don't love her now.
Hey, trust me.
So how did you and Leopold meet?
(Ariel) We were both tourists
at St Peter's in Rome.
(Maxwell) You picked her up
at the Vatican?
(Ariel) My whole life I wanted
to see the Sistine Chapel ceiling.
(Leopold) I met her in
the basilica before a madonna.
I couldn't resist the impulse
to speak to this heavenly creature.
(Ariel) Leopold's an expert on Italian art.
(Leopold) I had the privilege of escorting
Ariel through the Sistine Chapel
and explaining to her exactly why
Michelangelo's ceiling was indeed great.
(Ariel) When Raphael first
laid eyes on it, he fainted.
(Maxwell) Had he eaten?
(Mendelssohn's"Violin Concerto in E Minor")
- To summer.
- To summer
(Leopold) "The spring, the summer,
The childing autumn,
angry winter, change
Their wonted liveries."
OK. Try something else.
- Got it.
- Can I stop now?
Do you remember these woods at all?
Do you remember the bridge down there?
Of course. It was one of the most
beautiful summer nights I'd ever seen.
It was very romantic.
I think about that night all the time.
- No, really?
And when I do, I want to kill you.
Kill you or myself, but much more you.
Do you have any idea
how much I lusted after you?
Why didn't you do something?
I wanted you to.
You were this diplomat's daughter,
raised by nuns.
I was shy. We were not in love.
It was pure animal lust.
- That's just what I was in the mood for.
- I know. I missed an opportunity.
I've regretted it ever since.
That's the saddest thing in life,
a missed opportunity.
And particularly rotten in this case
because after you left,
a month after you went to Europe,
I learned that you were, and had been,
sleeping with everyone. Everyone!
Well, maybe it was everyone.
I wouldn't have been the first,
I'd have been the st.
Writers, bankers, poets, the entire
infield of the Chicago White Sox.
You have to admit, I wasn't one of
your shrinking, mousy, inhibited virgins.
- The understatement of the century.
- Did you want me to take charge?
- You didn't act like you wanted anything.
- I was used to slower women.
Adrian and I had no sex
till we were married.
Why are we rehashing all this? Huh?
It's over. We're two older people now.
By tomorrow this time, I'll be married too.
What is it with you and Leopold?
He's so much older than you.
Leopold's very brilliant. A genius.
So what? If you're such a free spirit,
why do you want to tie yourself down?
You know. For a woman,
the years slip away quickly.
- Don't tell me you're getting scared.
But why? I don't understand.
You're so beautiful and charming.
- You could get any man that you wanted.
- No, that's not true.
That was always true, Ariel.
- Not you.
I think amongst all the love affairs
I was running through then,
you were the one person
that could have stopped me.
- I could have?
- Yeah. I...
I was really beginning to care for you.
Sometimes I wonder what would have
happened if we'd made love that night.
The moment was so perfect.
People find out things about
themselves through lovemaking
that they never dreamed of.
What? What are you thinking?
Nothing. Only that our whole lives might
have been different if only I had acted.
Tell me something, Andrew.
If you lusted after me so,
why weren't you also in love with me?
Can the two feelings really be separate?
(Andrew) Did you see the trout
that I got? It was great!
- (Leopold) Look, Ariel, a fossil!
- (Maxwell) He means you, Andrew.
Millions of years old, when prehistoric
man roamed here naked and savage.
Give me the good, old days.
You'd like to see
some long-haired Neanderthal,
his primitive weapon in hand,
stalking through the brush like an animal,
never dreaming that
some day he will be extinct
and culture will be the order of the day?
Well, I'd like to try it for one night.
Look! There's a yellow-bellied sapsucker.
- We get a lot of great birds here.
- I love nature. I could live in the woods.
- Maxwell was raised by wolves.
- And he was raised by skunks.
Maxwell, why not do
the dance of the merry peasants?
(Leopold) There are
too many peasants as it is.
- (Dulcy) There's another sapsucker!
- (Maxwell) That sounds dirty.
These woods are especially beautiful.
(Andrew) They're enchanted.
On summer nights, you can see things.
- (Adrian) Shadows and glowing things.
- (Andrew) Yeah, spirits.
glowing things, spirits...
What pathetic delusions
we frightened humans cling to.
(Ariel) Leopold has no patience
with the spirit world.
(Maxwell) I believe in the spirit world.
(Andrew) You have to.
That's where all your patients wind up.
(Maxwell) Very funny, Andrew.
You were fishing with Ariel
for such a long time.
I couldn't get the fish to bite, that's all.
- Were you reminiscing?
- I was out with her once years ago!
We had a couple of lobsters,
some beers and that was it.
You still remember exactly what you ate?
Adrian, I'm gonna be glad when
this weekend is over - it's a disaster.
Leopold and Maxwell hate each other and
you I'm gonna have to take to a hypnotist.
- So we can start making love again.
- You'll be in a trance, but that's OK.
- That's terrible!
- You haven't read my ideas.
- Your view is educated, but it's narrow.
That's why your book was second-rate.
A yellow-banded butterfly.
I've been looking for one my whole life.
- Don't scare it. Bring the net.
- (Ariel) It went that way.
- (Dulcy) Which way did it go?
- (Maxwell) Everybody quiet and fan out.
(Andrew) What am I supposed to be
looking for? I didn't see any butterfly.
- (Dulcy) There it is!
- (Andrew) What colour is it?
Did you hurt yourself? Did you...
Everybody stand back. Give her air.
- Does that hurt?
- It's probably the metatarsal.
- Relax, it's nothing serious.
- Maxwell, stop fondling her instep.
- The butterfly's gone.
- I'm sorry.
That's what comes from horsing around.
Running around the woods like Indians.
She's gonna be fine.
This man is a major quack.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, that feels good. Oh, yes.
- Right in there, isn't it?
- Do you two want to be alone?
- Are you well enough to walk?
- I think so.
- Just hold it.
- It's much better.
- You don't want it to come back.
- She said she was fine.
- OK. All better.
It's fine! It's good. I used
to get this at dance class all the time.
You studied dance? So did I,
but my folks insisted on medicine.
I'm tired of standing around amidst
poison ivy, snakes and toadstools.
I just wanted to make sure
she didn't pull a tendon.
Besides, it's not poison ivy
and they're not toadstools.
You are wrong.
Toadstools is exactly what they are.
Yes? Well, these
happen to be mushrooms.
- Those are poisonous fungi.
- I believe you're mistaken.
- Does it matter?
- I don't think you'd be willing to eat one.
- (Ariel) Don't be ridiculous. Let's go.
Those are toadstools. A doctor who writes
about nature should know the difference.
Yeah, give us all a thrill. Pop one
into your mouth and go into convulsions.
OK, Leopold. Yeah.
For once in your life, do you stand...
Get some coffee or something.
Do we have anything in here? Quickly.
There's some aspirin.
Get some plain white bread.
(Andrew) I don't know
what he was trying to prove.
(Adrian) Leopold, put down
the telescope and come help us.
The summer light is so beautiful
at this hour, isn't it?
I love the long days.
So do I. It makes me think
of when I was a little girl.
Me too. Full of dreams.
Yes. Mostly about falling in love.
Do you think that when
two people are in love
it must always express itself physically?
I don't understand.
Do you mean that, um... a man
could lust passionately for a woman
but still he might not love her?
I don't know. It's very confusing
when you try and think about it, isn't it?
Tell me, I don't mean to be forward,
but was it a difficult decision
to, you know, come from a convent
and everything, and guard your chastity,
to decide to share the bed
with Leopold before the wedding?
N... N... Not too tough.
I wish I'd have been that brave.
It's funny. I always considered
myself a modern woman,
and then I see someone like Nurse Dulcy.
(Adrian) Yeah. I hear she knows how all
the organs function and just what to do.
(Ariel) I think men
appreciate vigorous women.
(Ariel) And young ones. This beautiful
summer light doesn't last for ever.
I was watching you. You shoot well.
It's all in the pectoral muscles.
Healthy pectorals. You should try it.
Rather than using
weapons of destruction,
my aggressive impulses are given vent in
the more socially acceptable chessboard.
- I wouldn't mind learning chess.
- I feel it would be tame for you.
I like the way the stallions look.
They're called knights.
That's a knight. Not a stallion.
- They're watching us.
- Leopold. He tried to poison me.
- Yeah. Right, sure.
- I'm in love with Ariel.
- I know, she's beautiful.
- No, I mean I'm really in love with her.
- I don't blame you. She's exceptional.
You don't understand.
I don't want her to get married.
Maxwell, make your shot.
I wanna take my bath.
I've never felt like this.
The moment I smelled her, I loved her.
Smell someone else,
because she's taken.
- Jesus, he's such a pompous ass!
- I know.
But this time tomorrow
she's gonna be Mrs Pompous Ass.
What's the matter with you?
Don't you know what she's thinking?
- What does that mean?
- I kissed her!
- You did?
- Yeah, in the woods. I think Leopold saw.
- He's watching me like a hawk.
- She let you kiss her?
Not exactly, but I could feel
her lips tremble with feeling.
Don't tell me about it. Adrian's jealous
enough. I've had an experience with Ariel.
- What was that experience?
- It was nothing.
- What do you mean "It was nothing"?
- It was brief and platonic.
Bring her to the brook.
Don't tell her it's to meet me.
- Why the brook?
- What's the matter? Relax.
You just lust after her. You're not in love.
You wanna sleep with her.
How could anyone just wanna sleep with
such a dream? Not that I don't. She's hot.
They're incredible in bed,
the ones raised in a convent.
Maxwell, go play with your butterfly net.
- Take a walk with Ariel. Go to the brook.
- I can't! Adrian's too jealous.
What did you two do
that was so incriminating?
- Don't say nothing. You're blushing.
- Leave me alone, Maxwell.
- You slept with her, didn't you?
- I didn't.
- You still like her, don't you?
- No. Go away.
God, Andrew, I'm suffering. I mean it!
All right! I'll bring her to the brook.
I'll talk to her on your behalf. I'll try.
Stop it, they're looking at us.
Didn't he say
that they napped before dinner?
(Leopold) Very aggressive.
You learn quickly.
And if I do this?
You have a wonderful flair
for spatial relationships.
Can you get away later on?
- What do you mean?
- I mean can you get away later on
to be alone with me?
- What for?
- These are my last few hours of freedom.
I pray you, do not register
I have known many women, and it is
only because I cherish Ariel so intensely
that I am, with some trepidation, closing
the book on my bachelorhood for ever.
I hold the marriage vows sacred and,
once wed, would never be unfaithful.
- I don't know what to say.
the shame I feel over my desires
is already too much to bear.
Don't be ashamed.
I'm just surprised it's me you asked.
You have an open personality and I feel
you're modern enough in your thinking
not to make more of the experience
than is intended.
And, although I'm surely
not the first to tell you,
you're quite attractive
and you radiate a certain raw energy.
I'm not saying that it wouldn't be
an interesting experience for me.
- What if your fiancée finds out?
- She must never.
I want Ariel for my wife and...
yet the pull is strong.
I cannot help imagining
what it would be like with you.
Have you ever made love
with a much older man?
Illicitly? In the woods?
- Was he a genius?
- He was a dentist.
- Do you find me unattractive?
- No, you're elegant.
Would you meet me
where we swam today, at six?
(Andrew) Ariel! Psst!
(stones clatter on wall)
Are you gonna be in there for a while?
(Maxwell) I just got in the tub
about two minutes ago.
I really like soaking in a good, hot bath.
I think I'll stay in here for half an hour,
cos the water feels so good on my back.
I'm bushed. I think I'll just
take nap, so just, you know...
relax and take as long
as you want in the tub.
Don't worry about me. I'll take a nap
for about, maybe, half an hour or so.
- (Dulcy) Oh!
- (Adrian) I have to speak to you.
- (Dulcy) Now?
- (Adrian) Please. It's an emergency.
- (Dulcy) What's the matter?
- I didn't know where else to turn.
(Dulcy) Calm down, please.
I'm a nurse. It's OK.
- Sorry. This is very hard for me.
- (Dulcy) Don't worry.
He can't hear you. It's fine. It's OK.
All right. The thing is...
I want to learn how
to please my husband in bed.
- Andrew! What are you doing there?
- Maxwell Jordan is in love with you.
He's a medical Casanova.
No, he's a wonderful guy
and a terrific doctor.
Really. Never lost a patient. Got a couple
of 'em pregnant, but never lost one.
- I'm getting married tomorrow.
- You don't love Leopold. You know that.
You're just in love with the idea of
marrying a great scholar. I know you.
- You've got a lot of nerve.
- That was your goal even way back then.
You weren't listening to anything
I was saying "way back then".
All that was on your mind
was animal passion.
And what was on your mind?
It's my fault.
I shouldn't have flirted with Maxwell.
It just comes naturally.
Now I've started something.
- He likes the way you smell.
- Oh, Andrew. I'm so mixed up.
That's why the sooner I marry Leopold
and settle down, the better.
You've gotta give Maxwell five minutes.
He's pining away for you.
I never saw the guy so serious in his life.
Unless you're absolutely certain that what
you're doing tomorrow is the right thing.
It's a little late for me
to be having those thoughts.
But not too late.
I was fine till I saw you again. Fine!
Come with me to the brook.
Here, I've brought a hat.
Hop on, really. For five minutes.
Andrew, we'll get killed.
No, don't be silly. Trust me.
It's me, Andrew.
Trust me anyhow.
- (Ariel) My God, we're flying!
- (Andrew) I know. It's perfect.
- (Ariel) It's great. Better not look down.
- (Andrew) Hang on tight.
- (Andrew) I knew it would work! I knew it!
- (Ariel) It's wonderful!
I was, uh...
I was just here and looking
at some moss formations.
I couldn't sleep. I felt like a stroll.
What a coincidence.
Are you staying?
Are you? No!
Uh... Why don't we stroll together?
- No! Not that way.
I think there's something
more interesting up there.
- Oh, yes.
There's some very interesting leaves.
I'd like to show them to you.
It's much better that way, especially
if you're in the mood for a stroll.
Yes, that's the only reason
I'm about. I usually nap.
If you'd prefer to walk alone,
I could give you directions.
- Would you rather stroll by yourself?
- Certainly not! Not me.
We can talk about nature,
even if we don't agree on everything.
(Leopold chuckles)(Ariel) Oh, God. What am I gonna do?
Now I know my flying bicycle
won't handle that weight.
- We could have been killed.
- Not killed. Crippled.
- That lake is cold.
- You're shivering.
Come on, you're shaking.
- You know, you're wet.
- I know I'm wet!
- I thought I saw a red-winged blackbird.
These woods are fascinating
There is something
magical about them.
Four miles is rather longer
than I anticipated.
We're half there.
So, tomorrow's the big day, huh?
You know what I jokingly call marriage?
"The death of hope".
Jokingly, of course. Although
no joke is ever completely untrue.
I'm aware that you have designs on Ariel.
- It's pointless to deny it.
I observe the way you stare at her
and take pleasure in her behaviour.
I can almost hear your heart beat
when she's close to you.
You have some imagination.
I assure you Ariel does not return these
rather desperate and vulgar feelings.
You're not too overeducated
to get a punch in the nose.
Go ahead, hit me.
You've wanted to all day.
Don't be afraid. I never resist violence.
I realise that often it is
the sole recourse of primitives.
It's like swimming.
It's a measured stroke.
And remember, here's the key.
When the sperm count is low,
they won't listen to reason.
But when the sperm count is high,
they'll do anything you want.
It sounds awfully clinical.
Well, we're just going over some basics.
But if you love the guy,
it should all come together
with a certain sense
of danger and excitement.
You shouldn't just limit
yourself to the bedroom.
It should be full of surprise
It shouldn't be routine.
(Andrew) I understand
Maxwell kissed you today?
(Ariel) Yes. Very suddenly, in the woods.
- (Andrew) How did it feel?
- It felt good.
- (Andrew) What do you mean?
- You asked how it felt. I said good.
(Andrew) So how can you
think of getting married?
(Ariel) I'm always mixed up
when it comes to the opposite sex.
I think I know what I want,
and then I don't. And then I do.
- What about you? How's your marriage?
- My marriage is fine.
- It's not working, but it's fine.
- I'm sorry.
- So you find Maxwell attractive?
- Well, kind of. In his own way.
You're kidding. The kid's tubby.
Haven't you noticed? He's a butterball.
A few minutes ago you were
telling me how great he was.
He's great. Don't misunderstand me.
It's just that he's blubber.
I guess he is.
If I had only acted that time
when we were at the brook that night!
- It just haunts me.
Not a week has gone by that I haven't
dreamt about you or that evening.
We shouldn't be talking like this.
I gotta get married tomorrow.
Why? What are you running into?
Stop for a second.
I'm not running into it. No.
He's perfect for me, really.
He's solid. He's taught me a lot.
- Like what?
- Like how to listen to Mozart.
With your ears, right?
Is that a reason to marry...
- Hey, are you OK?
We got wet. We should go back.
(knocking at door)
Maxwell, it's flooding!
Maxwell, are you all right?
- I fell asleep in the tub and it overflowed.
I got everything under control.
Did you have a good nap?
Yeah, I just decided to change.
I, uh... didn't feel tired
so I took a brief stroll.
- You've been in there a long time.
- Oh, I... I... I...
I fell asleep in the bath.
Did you have a nice stroll?
Yes. Very enlightening.
- Did you have a nice bath?
- Oh, yes. Very refreshing.
Where have you been?
The table's still not set.
I was... chopping ice. I was in the barn.
I was just...
There was a huge block of ice
and I chopped it.
We... We'll have the ice for dinner.
OK, I understand.
Dinner's nowhere near ready.
I had to clean the fish.
I thought you said you cleaned the fish.
Oh, I didn't mean to say the fish.
I meant to say the chicken.
We're having fish and chicken,
because Leopold hates fish.
- More trout, Leopold?
- Please, yes.
The trellis is broken. Have you
been climbing on it again, Andrew?
No, I was just trying to fix
something there. It's a terrible story.
I once got locked in the bathroom.
Andrew climbed up the trellis and got
me out the window. It was very romantic.
I'd like to say that,
also that I'm a little drunk.
- The wine is a little heavy.
- It's gone straight to my head too.
You'll turn into one of those doctors
whose hands shake when they operate.
Domestic brands are always less subtle.
Did anyone see that big, strange bird
that was flying around before dinner?
- What bird?
- The one that dived into the lake.
You know what there is up here?
There's hawks and eagles.
You haven't been trying
your wings on again, Andrew?
Yeah, sure. I always spin around the lake
a couple of times before dinner.
It builds my appetite.
- So you're an inventor, eh?
- Crackpot inventor.
In actual life, I help people with their
investments until there's nothing left.
What was that odd-looking contraption
with the ball on top that we saw earlier?
That was my spirit box.
It's a kind of a magic lantern
that penetrates the unseen world.
What unseen world?
Forest spirits? Little glowing things?
You can make fun if you want,
but you all will admit
that there's more to life than
what we perceive with our five senses.
- I'm afraid not.
- (Ariel) Oh, I think there is.
I've seen these spirits on summer nights.
Truth is nobody really knows.
That thing looked like something I saw
at a magic show at Coney Island.
There is nothing magical about existence.
It grows more understandable every day.
Greater familiarity with some of
our best minds might make that clear.
I disagree. I think that if anything can
be said to be magical, it's the universe.
(Andrew) Me, too.
What a pity that people require
more for their existence
than the wonderful world about them.
It's not always so wonderful
down at the hospital.
So when are you gonna show us
this little trick of yours?
It's not a trick. I'm gonna try it later.
It's gotta be dark before I can do anything.
Andrew's invented a wedding present
for you and Ariel.
- Oh, really? What?
- Tell them about that.
It's nothing. It's a silly apparatus
that takes the bones out of fish.
Or if you prefer, although there's
no point to it, it puts bones in fish.
To Leopold and Ariel.
Tomorrow they will be man and wife,
forsaking all others
till death do them part.
May they be very happy with one
another for the rest of their lives.
- (Adrian) Are you all right?
- Are you choking? Are you OK?
Just a little wine
went down the wrong way.
You're gulping it down like it was milk.
- I'll be all right. I'm just a little dizzy.
- It's not a bone?
- Is he an alcoholic?
- No. He just had a little too much tonight.
(Dulcy) He started on an empty stomach.
He just has to walk it off.
(Adrian) So, where will you
settle after you're married?
I've taken a townhouse
near the university.
I can't wait for Ariel to meet the
professors. I'm the envy of the faculty.
You'll adore Professor Eddy and his wife.
They're very entertaining,
with a kind of a theme to their marriage.
He specialises in Dr Johnson
and she teaches Boswell.
They're an entertaining
and amusing couple,
and I look forward to
many wonderful chats.
Well, to wonderful chats,
and Boswell and Johnson,
and Leopold and Ariel,
and this summer night,
and you two, of course.
- And Maxwell.
- And Dr Maxwell Jordan.
- Doctor of high jinks.
- And to Adrian and Andrew.
Where did that come from?
- Maxwell, what is it?
- Maxwell, are you all right?
- Did you hurt yourself?
- You're bleeding.
I just picked it up and it went off.
I didn't know it was loaded.
Put that thing down! Be careful with it!
- Jesus, are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Andrew, you keep it loaded!
No, I don't. That's what I don't understand.
I'm OK. Go on back to dinner.
There's no harm done. I'm all right.
- Everybody, go.
- We'll put a bandage on it.
Go back to the house. We'll put some
alcohol on it. Just relax. He's OK.
Maxwell, let me see
that thing for a second.
Maxwell, are you crazy?
I never keep bullets in that thing.
- So what?
- So are you insane?
Is she worth putting
a bullet through your head for?
I love her.
I don't know who I'm talking to
any more. I don't know you.
- Nobody knows me.
- Don't be melodramatic. Are you crazy?
Maybe I'm drunk, but I haven't been able
to think of anything else but her all day.
- I have to be alone with her.
- What are you telling me?
What would have happened if you hadn't
missed? What a tragedy that would be.
- Wouldn't you die for Ariel?
- I see the way you look at her.
- I'm not a poet.
I don't die for love.
I work on Wall Street.
- I waited for her. You never sent her.
- I tried!
- Was she willing to come?
- Yes! I tried to take her by air.
We fell into the lake. It was ridiculous.
We had to get out. We walked.
Our clothes were soaking wet.
It sounds very romantic,
walking around with wet clothes.
- Did you kiss her?
- Kiss her? I sneezed on her.
- Why do you blush when we discuss her?
- Maxwell, leave me alone!
If I did love her, it wouldn't matter.
She's marrying Leopold.
What do you mean, if you did love her?
Do you love her?
I'm saying "if". If I loved her,
if I wasn't married, then...
Well, then we would have some problems.
Lass singen, Gesell, lass rauschen
Und wandre fröhlich nach!
Es gehn ja Mühlenräder
In jedem klaren Bach
Es gehn ja Mühlenräder
In jedem klaren Bach
Lass singen, Gesell, lass rauschen
Und wandre fröhlich nach!
(Dulcy) That's wonderful.
Ich grolle nicht
Und wenn das Herz auch bricht
Ewig verlor'nes Lieb!
Ewig verlor'nes Lieb!
- I love you. Don't get married.
- I can't live without you. I'm serious.
- What a childish thing to do in the barn.
- Do you have any feelings for me at all?
- I don't know.
- How will you ever if you get married?
- I won't.
- Meet me later.
- Go away.
- By the brook at midnight.
- Don't cause trouble!
Give me a chance! I haven't
had a single free moment
to show you how charming I can be.
Your charm is apparent,
but that's not enough.
Why are you so stubborn?
Do you love Andrew?
- How dare you!
- You protest too strongly.
- I love Leopold.
- You don't. He'd run a poor third.
- You're rude.
- You're adorable. And Andrew's married.
(Leopold continues singing)(Maxwell whispers)
Go away, will you?
We've both had too much wine.
How can you resist? The moon is full.
You're about to be married for ever.
This is your last free night.
Spend it with me.
Ten minutes, just talking. I know if
you knew me better, you'd like me.
You don't want to get married with the
nagging thought "Maybe I should have."
"Maybe if I'd given him ten minutes,
he would have changed my mind."
"But now it's too late.
I'm the professor's wife."
"Secure, it's true, yet something's
missing. Maybe if I'd acted..."
- Marriage is the death of hope.
- It is not.
- No, not with the right person.
- I don't love you.
Because you don't know me.
Give me ten minutes. Ten lousy minutes.
If you don't, I'll kill myself right after
the wedding. This time I won't miss.
All right! OK, I'll meet you.
- You promise?
- Go away.
If you don't come,
the guilt will haunt you for ever.
- (Adrian) Ariel, come play for a while.
- All right.
Yes, why don't you?
I feel like something devotional.
I love your accompaniment. You have
a way of caressing the words I sing.
Which art in heaven
- (door closes)
- What are you slamming the door for?
He doesn't sound that bad.
Is something the matter? You've got
a funny look on your face. Are you OK?
Andrew, kiss me.
- What are you doing?
- I want to make love to you.
Adrian, what's the matter with you?
Adrian, stop! Adrian! Adrian, stop that!
- Adrian, we've got guests in the house.
- Yeah, that makes it a little dangerous.
Adrian, stop it. Adrian! This is
the kitchen table! What are you doing?
Adrian! I cannot have intercourse
where we eat oatmeal.
I want you right now!
Adrian, stop this. You're crazy.
Adrian, there's a fork under me.
Oh, stop that.
Look, I broke an egg!
This is like a Flemish painting.
- Get those pants off!
- Ssh, quiet!
There's a man in the next room singing
the Lord's Prayer. We'll go blind!
- Adrian! Adrian, I'm on the burner.
- Kiss me.
(Leopold) Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the Kingdom
What are you doing?
- Don't stop.
- (Adrian pants)
I suddenly feel panicky.
You can't stop now.
I'm past the point of no return.
I feel a lot of fear
in the bottom of my stomach.
Yeah, but you're gonna
have to pack me in ice.
I can't. It's disgusting.
How can it be?
I don't have my clothes off yet.
I'm sorry, Andrew.
I really wanted to. You know that.
I just... suddenly...
I became aware of myself, of the others.
I could feel my heart beating.
You don't feel it for me any more. Face it.
Maybe I don't. I don't know what I feel.
I know one thing.
I can't go on like this any more.
(Leopold) What about the spirit world,
Andrew? We're all waiting.
(Andrew) OK, everyone, I can't
guarantee this thing is gonna work.
You're a man of science.
What are your views on an unseen world?
I don't believe in ghosts,
though I almost became one before.
- I believe in science and sex.
- Not love?
Yes. Love at first sight.
- Can there be love without sex?
- I think the two can be totally different.
- Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.
Think about that for a minute.
OK, join hands, everyone. Everyone,
just hold your hand. Everyone, relax.
I'm dealing here with ectoplasm
and animal magnetism.
Everyone, concentrate on the ball
and make your mind a blank.
- Can we look at it?
- You can look at it, yeah.
OK, relax. Please, take this seriously.
Look at that! Look, isn't that fantastic?
- (Dulcy) Oh, it's wonderful.
- It's working!
- We went swimming there.
- It's the brook.
- (Ariel) It's a person. Some man.
- (Adrian) It's Andrew! No, it's Maxwell.
It's Andrew. It's neither of them.
- (Ariel) He's waiting.
- (Adrian) For who?
(Dulcy) A woman.
- He's alone. She never came.
- (Andrew) Is this looking into the past?
- (Leopold) It's an optical illusion.
- There's someone in a dress.
- They're just talking.
- Why doesn't he kiss her?
- I know he wants to.
- I wonder why he doesn't.
- He's too timid.
- She really wants him to.
(Ariel) She does want him to.
You can see. She's straining too.
- (Adrian) But he just isn't.
- (Maxwell) He's missing his chance.
(Adrian) It's so sad.
(Dulcy) Isn't it true, the best
opportunities only happen once?
- Careful, Andrew.
- You got something to pour on it?
- Take that away from there.
- The house'll burn down.
- You've really invented something.
- Yeah, but what?
- Give it time. It'll die down.
- I hope so. I can't seem to put it out.
There, you see? That explains it.
Movement is no miracle.
The retina retains an image for / th
of a second, flickering lights...
- Quite explainable.
- Is it?
But what did we see?
The past, the present, the future?
Maybe it was the spirit world
and those were two ghosts.
There are no ghosts,
except in Shakespeare.
And many of those are more real
than many people that I know.
Come along, Ariel. Time to go to bed.
Thank you, everyone. Lovely dinner.
Thank you for dinner.
- Marvellous demonstration.
- I think I'd better go to bed too.
Adrian, dinner was super. Thank you.
- I was always scared of ghosts.
- Andrew's got everything under control.
- (Andrew) Aren't you coming to bed?
- (Maxwell) I'm gonna stay up for a while.
- I'm not tired.
- (Andrew) Really? You're just gonna...
- (Maxwell) Get a little air.
- (Andrew) No kidding.
A little. It's such a pretty night.
- Oh. Where's Dulcy?
- She's exhausted.
It's funny, Maxwell. You don't seem
as depressed now as you were before.
- I'm not.
- I'm much better.
- Good. I like to hear that.
How come, Maxwell?
Why do you feel better?
Well, I guess if marriage
is the death of hope,
then the night before marriage,
there's still hope.
Where do you think
you're gonna walk at this hour?
- Just around, under the stars.
- You think maybe down by the brook?
- Why are you so concerned? Go to sleep.
- I'm not concerned.
I'm gonna take a walk.
It's good for the digestion.
- Maybe I should walk along with you?
- No, no, don't bother.
- Why not? I'd like to. I like to digest.
- I prefer to be alone.
- Yeah, but why?
- Look, go to bed.
I'm going to meet Ariel.
- You are?
- Yes. By the brook at midnight.
- Since when did that happen?
- I spoke to her.
- She's gonna meet you?
- What did you tell her?
- I told her I loved her.
I told her not to marry Leopold.
I told her to meet me tonight.
- And she agreed to this?
- Andrew, I think I have a chance with her.
- You do?
- I got an idea. I'll bring her to meet you.
- No, you go to sleep.
No, I'm not tired. I'll bring her. Ma... Ma...
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
Maxwell, I'm not tired.
Yes? Yes, Leopold?
(Leopold) Ariel... Doctor...
Andrew... sing... music...
Ariel! Ariel, over here by the tree.
Ariel, by the tree!
- Why are you here?
- I'm here to see Ariel.
- I said I wanna be alone with her.
- It's no use. I'm in love with her.
- I can't fight it any more.
- I said I thought you loved her.
- I know. Don't get upset.
- You denied it. And I'm not upset.
- She's been in love with me a long time.
- You said it was platonic.
- It was.
I never touched her, but I could have.
She wanted me to years ago.
- I said I thought you loved her!
- What am I gonna tell Adrian?
- I asked you to help me.
- I tried to bring her. It didn't work out.
- We flew, we laughed. It turned romantic.
- Did she tell you she loved you?
She's loved me since
I took her to a baseball game.
- I'll kill you!
- I knew you would take this badly.
- You knew how much I cared for her.
- Nobody plans these things.
They just happen.
You gotta be a little mature.
I'll show you what mature is,
you backstabbing runt!
- (Ariel) Hey, what's going on here?
- Ariel, I love you.
- You do?
- She's not bowled over.
- I can't fight it any longer.
- Ariel, I love you too.
- Stop confusing things.
When did this feeling come over you?
I've had it for a long time.
I just didn't know what to do.
He's having some
domestic problems, that's all.
- Don't marry Leopold.
- She's not going to.
- You can't do that, you won't be happy.
- He's not the right guy for you.
- I told you she's not marrying him.
- I'm talking to her.
And I'm talking to you.
Ariel and I had a rendezvous.
- You're married, Andrew.
- The magic has gone in the bedroom.
- How can you reveal intimate secrets?
- What do you care?
Ariel, we stood here years ago
and I failed to act.
He'll always fail to act.
He's a procrastinator.
- He talks big schemes and does nothing.
- Don't get me angry.
I love you, Ariel.
I just need time to show you how much.
One thing's for sure:
I can't marry Leopold.
No, you can't.
And I gotta say something to Adrian.
Listen to him!
I wouldn't tell Adrian anything.
That's my business, OK?
We have a second chance.
Let's not mess it up.
It's no use. She may have
cared for you once, but this is now.
Ariel, I love you and, in spite of
all his nauseating begging, I want you.
I'm sorry, Maxwell.
Maxwell, you gotta understand.
Maxwell, I'm your best friend. Forgive me.
- I should have killed myself.
- Don't talk like that!
Only a drunken idiot shoots
himself over love. Not an internist.
- You'll forget me.
You will, we'll help you. You'll come
over. We won't let you sit and brood.
If I come over, how am I gonna
forget her? She'll be here.
That's a point. So don't come over.
Maxwell, we know each other
for so long. This was inevitable.
Maxwell, you know I love you.
Better Andrew than Leopold.
At least you'll have a few laughs.
What are you gonna do?
I'll go for a walk. I'll throw
a rock in the brook. I'll go to sleep.
Don't worry, I'm not
a drunken infantile idiot.
I'll go back and I'll get anaesthetised
with meaningless lovemaking.
- Maxwell, I didn't mean it.
- Will he be all right? I'm worried.
Why does it have to be so complicated?
The guy's my best friend.
(Ariel) Remember this tree? We stood
under it and looked at the stars.
(Andrew) The constellations are
in the same place. There's Gemini.
(Ariel) Yeah, I remember
you pointed that out to me.
We both had wine, and you showed
me your latest invention.
Did I? Oh, of course!
My musical house slippers, right?
As you walked, they would play
"My Old Kentucky Home". Never sold.
Remember what we talked about?
We talked about the brook
and the stars... and your dress.
- You had bought a new dress.
- Yes. This is it. This is the same dress.
It looks more beautiful.
You look more beautiful.
- You've lost a little hair from the top.
- I'm working on a hair restorer.
But you still have
that little boy's look. You do.
It's only Leopold. There's no need
to worry. I'm not a spirit.
I couldn't sleep, so I came downstairs
to read The Katzenjammer Kids.
The Katzenjammer Kids?
- That's what happened in the dream.
- What dream?
Just now, before I awoke.
- I was dreaming this.
Precisely this. That's incredible.
We were alone and you were lying
across the sofa, and you were reading.
I asked you what, and you said
"The Katzenjammer Kids".
And I thought it was funny.
And then your robe fell open slightly.
Only slightly, the way it is now,
and I was taken with
a great erotic fervour.
And all the terrible thoughts
of my whole life,
that I'd been afraid to unleash,
How did I react?
You pressed your lips to mine...
And then the scene changed, and we
were two savages in the wilderness.
It was a prehistoric era.
I was a Neanderthal, hunting
my enemies with primitive weapons,
and loving you uninhibitedly.
Jesus. What did you eat
before you went to bed?
- What are you doing here?
- I couldn't sleep.
I didn't want to read alone in the room.
All that ghost talk makes me nervous.
- Alone? Why alone?
- Maxwell's off walking.
- He is?
So's Ariel. She slipped
out of bed after I fell asleep.
- You don't think that they...
- I will not play the cuckold for that goat.
Relax! You must learn to trust Ariel
if you're gonna marry her.
I trust no one. I can feel it. They're looking
into each other's eyes or holding hands.
I can just envision his clumsy general
practitioner's attempts to kiss her.
Or worse. Worse! And it is
now officially our wedding day.
OK, you can relax now,
cos there's Maxwell and he's alone.
- He's right there.
- But where's Ariel?
That's Ariel's dress. Her French frock.
But if Maxwell is here...
Those eyeglasses... That's Andrew!
- (Dulcy) Leopold.
- (Leopold) Andrew and Ariel.
Deceived by that third-rate inventor.
- I'll kill him.
Leopold, come back! Leopold!
Maxwell, go get Leopold!
Leopold's gone to kill Andrew.
Was... was it a completely
horrible experience, Ariel?
No. At least I didn't...
At least we bulled our way though it.
Yeah. Great. That's exactly what it was.
- The frogs kept croaking.
- I know, I know. I got a headache.
Yeah, but it wasn't
what I thought it would be.
- Did you feel it was?
I think it's true.
You really do learn an awful lot
about yourself through lovemaking.
- It's quite incredible.
- It's so strange.
Years ago when we were here,
that kind of stuff never bothered me.
I know. I think if we had made love that
very first night when we had the chance,
we never would have dreamed
that the outside world even existed.
Boy, time passes.
Before you know it, a little hair falls out,
a little noise becomes bothersome...
I guess we just... we change.
We become different people.
Ah-hah, you little vermin!
- Prepare to die!
Leopold, don't shoot!
Leopold, you're a man of reason.
You're a pacifist.
You're an animal.
Stop it, Leopold! Come back!
Hold still, you miserable worm!
Leopold, I can exp...
I've drawn blood.
Who am I?
(Andrew) Maxwell! Maxwell!
- Maxwell, are you all right?
- No. I'm badly hit. I'm dying.
Oh, Jesus. Help! Help!
- It's no use, Andrew. I'm finished.
- Don't say that. Help!
I'm a doctor. I know where I've been hit.
(Leopold) Blood. Blood!
I've drawn blood - and I relished it!
- (Dulcy) Leopold, what's gotten into you?
- I've returned from the hunt.
(Dulcy) What's an intellectual genius like
you want with a simple nurse like me?
Maxwell, for what it's worth to you,
I don't think the magic is there
between Ariel and myself any more.
If it's any incentive for you to pull through,
I think you got a chance with her.
- I can't breathe. I'm dying.
- Take it easy.
I have a confession to make.
I want my soul, if it exists, to be clean.
Don't talk like that.
We won't let you die.
I slept with your wife.
- Pardon me?
- I did it with Adrian.
- What did you say?
- By the brook, one night last summer.
- What are you talking about?
- The images from the spirit box.
Didn't you recognise us? Adrian and me.
Didn't you notice? It was her dress.
- How could you?!
- The moment was perfect. I seized it.
- You only live once.
- But you're my best friend.
- I apologise.
- I don't accept it.
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
It's nothing serious.
Just an arrow in his heart.
He's still breathing. Where are you going?
We have to help him.
(Dulcy) Leopold. Bite me... hard. Harder!
(Leopold) I can't. These are not my teeth.
Andrew? I saw a light.
So you slept with Maxwell?
- Why? Cos he told me you did.
- How could he?
Cos he thinks he's dying, which
he's probably not, unfortunately.
I don't know what to tell you. It's true.
We were alone by the brook.
You weren't paying any attention to me.
You were obsessed with your inventions.
It was a perfect, moonlit, summer night.
He put his hands on my breasts
and my blood just started to boil.
And afterwards, I've never been
able to rid myself of the guilt.
- But you enjoyed it?
- Oh, yeah, definitely. It was hot.
How could you?
That's exactly when all the trouble
began between the two of us.
I will make it up to you, Andrew.
Now that you know this, I feel...
I feel really relieved.
This is like a weight is off my back.
I've been carrying around
a terrible secret.
Don't lie to me.
No, Andrew. I swear to you.
This is like a curse has been lifted.
- I hate you.
- You love me.
No. I love Ariel.
I always loved Ariel.
No, that's not true.
Andrew, make love to me.
- Adrian, don't mix me up.
- I mean it. In fact, let me handle it.
- No, I'm furious with you.
- I really mean it this time.
No, Adrian. Stop.
- Andrew, you're gonna like this.
- Stop, I've had a very rough night.
- Excuse me.
- Adrian, stop. What are you doing?
Andrew, I promise you,
this is a good idea.
Adrian, what is this with table tops?
I'm on a loaded pistol!
- It feels much better.
- Does it?
I can't believe I did this.
The sight of blood terrifies me.
- I love you.
- You're still wounded.
I need time to be with you, to prove
to you that you can be happy with me.
I'm such a frivolous person. First
I thought I loved Leopold, then Andrew...
But you never loved Leopold, and Andrew
was just a dream out of the past.
I, however, am the man of the moment.
We're gonna seize this moment
and keep it for ever.
I have to admit that when we first met,
and you recognised my perfume,
you smelled it,
I did feel a little weak at the knees.
I know. You were scared
and attracted to me all day.
We're two of a kind. We're both flirts,
but our flirting days are all over.
- Careful. Just easy.
Me, a confirmed bachelor,
struck down by Cupid's arrow.
Unfortunately, it was shot by Leopold.
You said you believed
in love at first sight.
It's all in the smell,
and you smell wonderful.
Oh, Adrian, I'm still spinning.
That was a deeply religious
experience on that table top.
It's only the beginning.
Wait till everyone's gone,
I'll show you what Dulcy
calls a Mexican Cartwheel.
- Really? That sounds incredibly filthy.
- It is!
- Good. I can't wait.
- So can you forgive me?
Forgive you? I can ordain you. You've
cleared my sinuses for the summer.
- And Maxwell too?
The way I feel tonight, I could heal people.
Oh! What is he doing with Ariel?
- Doing well, I think.
- Really? What about Leopold?
Help! Come quickly! Leopold's dead.
Help! Help! Come quickly!
- Oh, my God!
- What happened to him?
- Maxwell, what's wrong with him?
- We were making love...
He was like an animal.
He tore off my robe.
He was wonderful. We did it
all violently, like two savages.
He was screaming with pleasure,
and at the highest moment of ecstasy,
he just keeled over
with that smile on his face.
- Poor Leopold.
- I'm sorry, Ariel.
(tinkling)(Leopold) Don't feelsorry for me, Maxwell.
My soul has merely passedinto a different dimension.
I feel myself floating, liberated.
I am, at long last, pure essence.
Leopold? Is that really you?
Of course it's me, Ariel.
And I am most delighted to saythat Andrew and Adrian were right.
These woods are enchanted,filled with the spirits ofthe lucky men and women of passionwho have passed awayat the height of lovemaking.
Promise me, all of you,to look for my glowing presenceon starlit evenings, in these woods,under the summer moon... for ever.