Mighty Aphrodite Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Mighty Aphrodite script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Woody Allen and Mira Sorvino movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mighty Aphrodite. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Mighty Aphrodite Script


            Woe unto man.

            Brave Achilles, slain in trial by blood.

            For prize, the bride of Menaleas,

            and father of Antigone, ruler of Thebes,

            self-rendered sightless by lust for expiation,

            lost victim of bewildered desire.

            Nor has Jason's wife fared better,

            giving life, only to reclaim it, in vengeful fury.

            For to understand the ways of the heart

            is to grasp as clearly the malice or ineptitude of the gods.

            Who in their vain and clumsy labours to create a flawless surrogate

            have left mankind but dazed and incomplete.

            Take for instance the case of Lenny Weinrib,

            a tale as Greek and timeless as fate itself.

            - Lenny, let's have a baby. - Hey..!

            Because she's pregnant, you want to have a baby?

            You could raise your own middleweight.

            - I don't want a middleweight. - Flyweight.

            - It'd be fun. - Have you ever had children?

            - No. I never... never had children. - Why not?

            Why not? My first wife didn't want to have a child,

            and then I never remarried...

            What am I? Chopped liver?

            Until now. You didn't let me finish.

            You changed your mind. You didn't want to have a child.

            You should have kids.

            Give him a break.

            You don't want a kid?

            When we first met, she didn't like the beach.

            She hated the Hamptons. She didn't want to have kids.

            She loved the Upper East Side.

            Suddenly she's making noise about having a kid

            and moving to Tribeca.

            Only if the gallery moves downtown.

            Being pregnant is great. You get treated like the Queen of England.

            You say that like it's a good thing.

            Well, I love the pampering.

            - Yeah? - It's fantastic.

            I can't give up the time.

            There are too many exciting things happening in my business.

            - Let me ask you a question. - What?

            How do you plan to swing it without being pregnant?

            That's a very good question.

            It's easy. We'll adopt.

            - Oh, well... - Not me. I don't want to adopt.

            - Why not? - No.

            - That's a good idea. - No! You must be nuts.

            With my genes? To adopt?

            I have award-winning genes.

            I'm going to pass them on. That's crazy.

            It's for the same reason we don't lease the car.

            'Cause it's pride of ownership. And I don't want to adopt a child.

            Sorry, Lenny, but it's crazy, because the world is full of needy kids.

            - She's right. - That's true.

            I know, but... you know...

            No, I mean it.

            Why overpopulate the world

            when there are thousands of parentless kids?

            It's because you don't want to get morning sickness.

            That's not true. I just can't afford to give up a year.

            Well, forget it. The subject is closed.

            I'd be afraid that I might get a bad seed.

            - Oh, come on. - That's paranoid.

            He's right. You read that in the tabloids all the time.

            We adopt some sweet little boy,

            he turns    we go to sleep at night,

            he'd split our head open with an axe.

            - Why'd you tell him that? - It's a common occurrence.

            I been to the same Payco.

            What do you mean, he? Why can't we adopt a girl?

            We're not adopting anything.

            Let the guy have a shortstop or point guard.

            Can we get the check?

            I'll take the check. I'm paying tonight.

            - Yes. - I'm stunned.

            You pay, you break your record.

            One more and you break DiMaggio's record    straight.

            Now be nice.

            Laius, proud father, speak!

            I with joy did have a son, so fair, so clear-headed, and brave,

            that I a thousand pleasures did derive from his presence.

            So what happens?

            One day, he kills me.

            And don't you think, he runs off and marries my wife.

            Poor Oedipus. King of Thebes.

            My son, my son did slay unwittingly my noble husband.

            And did without realizing hasten with me

            his loving mother, to lustful bed.

            And a whole profession was born, charging sometimes     an hour,

            and a   -minute hour at that.

            And why a child now, out of left field?

            One hopes it's not to fill some growing void in their marriage.

            Leave her be. A woman's urge to motherhood is old as the earth.

            Children grow up! They move out!

            Sometimes to ridiculous places, like Cincinnati.

            Or Boise, Idaho.

            Then you never see them again.

            You'd think once in a while they'd pick up a phone.

            But is there a growing void in the Weinrib's marriage?

            We didn't say there was.

            We're all just speculating on possible motives.

            Children are serious stuff.

            Look! Here's a man who killed his father,

             and slept with his mother.

              I hate to tell you what they call my son in Harlem.

              Hello.

              There's a baby we can adopt.

              Are you serious?

              I spoke to Carolyn Hester and she's found an infant for us.

              But we have to act quickly.

              I don't want a kid.

              Lenny, you know how hard it is.

              The baby's one day old, totally healthy.

              Unwed mother, no diseases.

              And it's a boy! You wanted a boy.

              I can't get into this with you now.

              This is not the place to have this discussion.

              I told Carolyn to be on the lookout.

              She's experienced with adoption.

              It's a boy. Healthy. Born this morning. No strings.

              If we act quickly.

              Look, look... I gotta put my foot down.

              I... I... you know, if you want to discuss this another time, we can.

              But if you gotta have a fast answer, it's definitely no.

              - Got his head? - He's adorable. Yes.

              Oh, God, this is great. This kid is never gonna be a fighter.

              I gotta run out and get some weights.

              Because he's really... he's light as a feather.

              Yeah. Perhaps I should have him back. He's...

              Here, maybe you better hold him. He's crying.

              It's okay. It's okay.

              He's so good. If there's any greatness in my hands,

              let it pass into your body.

              Get a grip on yourself.

              This kid is going to be a great kid.

              He's fabulous. What do you want to call him?

              - This is unbelievable. - Call him?

              What about Eric?

              Eric? The kid's not a viking.

              I want to call him after one of my heroes.

              Like what?

              I don't know. What about Groucho?

              Groucho? Oh, get real.

              I'm serious. It's a great, you know... I don't know.

              What about Phineas? Do you like Phineas?

              - Phineas? Are you joking? - Yeah, call him Phineas.

              Phineas is the guy who forecloses on the mortgage.

              I don't want to call this kid Phineas.

              He's adorable. That's so great.

              What... let me think. What about Django?

              - Django? - Django, yeah.

              After Django Reinhardt, the great guitar...

              Django Weinrib?

              That's the curse of the Weinrib name.

              It doesn't go with anything. Nothing works with Weinrib.

              Okay, what about something simple, like Ben?

              Ben? You want to call him Ben Weinrib?

              What's he going to be, a gin rummy champion?

              You want to deny your heritage?

              You know, I just want the kid to have a great name.

              What about Sugar Ray Weinrib?

              Holden, after Holden Caulfield.

              Holden's one of those things that works

              if we use your maiden name, if it's Holden Sloan,

              but not Holden Weinrib.

              The kid is so cute. I can't believe this.

              What about Cole? Cole Weinrib?

              Harpo Weinrib. How about Earl the Pearl Weinrib?

              - That would be so perfect. - Oh, God.

              What about Shane? Do you like the name Shane?

              - Yeah, Shane's pretty. - Shane would be okay.

              On the other hand you wouldn't want

              a supreme court justice called Shane.

              Oh, Jesus. I got it! I got it!

              Brilliant. This is so brilliant.

              Got it? Ready? Are you ready?

              - Thelonius Weinrib. - Max! What about Max?

              - Max? - Yeah, Max.

              Look how cute he is. I want to hold him.

              - Max is okay. - Look. He's smiling.

              Doctor Max Weinrib. I like the name Max.

              - Max is good. It's simple. - How about Senator Max Weinrib?

              Rabbi Max... Rabbi Max Weinrib?

              Maybe we should rethink Max.

              - He's happy. - He's so great.

              I think he likes us. He looks like you.

              - He looks like me? - Yeah.

              He looks like Robert Crawford a little bit.

              - He's so smart. - Yeah.

              He picks up on everything.

              He's got a great personality. You wake him up, he's always smiling.

              You were like that when you were a baby.

              - He's so verbal. - Well, he's around a writer.

              And an art expert, right?

              Listen, when are you going to move the gallery downtown?

              We don't want to get into that discussion,

              'cause, you know, I think we should move

              and Lenny is a devoted Upper East Sider...

              Or shall I say is opposed to change in any form?

              He's unbelievable. The kid is unbelievable.

              I got him trains. He put 'em together.

              He put the trains together himself.

              I thought you bought him an erector set.

              I got him an erector set. And I also got him this tricycle.

              - And the plastic kitchen? - I got you a tricycle.

              You can't buy him so much.

              - I got you a tricycle. - Look at that.

              - You can't buy him so much. - I also got him skates.

              Skates?

              Yeah, and I got a couple more things on the way...

              A small truck is going to pull up in front of the house.

              What are you going to get next year?

              Want anything to drink?

              Go ahead. Shoot!

              Try it again.

              Ever think about what you want to be when you grow up?

              I don't know. Maybe an interior decorator.

              - What?! - Just kidding. Just kidding.

              Don't kid. Come on.

              Okay, those go in the bedroom.

              You follow me.

              - Give me a hand with this. - Why did we move?

              What do you mean why did we move?

              I told you, we moved because... because... you know...

              your mother wanted to move,

              because the art gallery she works at has moved downtown

              and, you know, she wanted to move.

              Who's the boss between you and Mommy?

              What is the question?

              Who's the boss between you and Mommy?

              Who's the boss? You have to ask that?

              - You don't know who the boss is? - No.

              I'm the boss, okay?

              Mommy's only the decision maker.

              You know, there's a difference between...

              Mommy says what we do,

              and I have control of the channel changer.

              - Here's your crayons. - Thanks.

              We're new in the neighbourhood.

              We want Max to be in the best school.

              - This is it. - Because he's a very very bright kid.

              - Really bright. - Yes, I know.

              I saw his test scores, and they're wonderful.

              - They are. - He's got a great sense of humour.

              - He's a sweet kid. - He's got a great personality.

              I wanted to talk to you about a special program

              we have for bright students.

              - Really? He qualifies? - Oh, yes. Absolutely.

              - Sorry. - This is so great.

              When you hear his syntax, it's amazing.

              Verbal skills are telling.

              His vocabulary's good, but his syntax... he speaks like a grown-up.

              - Sorry. Lenny. - What we can do...

              - Sorry. Excuse me. - Certainly.

              Can we meet the Dorans tonight for dinner at La Cirque?

              No, because we have tickets to the Edward Albee.

              - Listen, I can't. - You have to.

              We've been waiting for so long.

              You don't have to go, but I really should go.

              - No... - Go with Bud.

              This is the second time this week we've cancelled something.

              I don't want to go with Bud. I'm not married to Bud.

              Can we not discuss it now?

              Oh, my God! That was embarrassing.

              Just because I don't want to have dinner yet again

              with the world's dullest couple.

              Someday they may sponsor me for my own gallery.

              I said I'm going with you, but we got tickets to a show...

              This time, join in. Don't sit there like some zombie.

              The last time I joined in you got angry.

              Because we were discussing the I.M. Pei museum,

              not Muhammad Ali.

              My mind wandered. I can't keep on those topics.

              I just don't want to be at the Bender Gallery forever.

              I want the Amanda Sloan Gallery.

              Not Amanda Weinrib, because there's a euphony problem.

              I hope they don't play like this.

              What's the matter? You seem down.

              - I'm fine. - Fine? Something's on your mind.

              Last night I was at one of those dinner parties again.

              Amanda, you know, last week she took me

              to La Cirque with the Dorians.

              Last night it was with the Grossbads on Park Avenue.

              And then, after that, we were driving home

              and... I don't know what to say.

              It was Saturday night, and we stopped for a light

              over on Park Avenue.

              I looked out the window

              and I see some guy and this pretty girl.

              They're walking home, and, you know...

              and the guy's carrying the Sunday papers.

              They looked like they were having so much fun, you know?

              I don't know. I remember how great it used to be

              with me and Amanda in our first apartment...

              how romantic it was.

              ln those days it was just a kick shopping together,

              you know, just walking the New York streets.

              You know, and then when Max came,

              it was... everything was so great.

              We had such terrific times.

              I don't know. It's been so long since there's been...

              you know, passion between us.

              I don't know. But it was the first time I had any of those thoughts.

              They made me feel nervous.

              You weren't too pleasant this evening.

              Why? 'Cause I said no

              about going to your boss Jerry Bender's house in the Hamptons?

              I don't like the Hamptons.

              You used to hate the beach yourself.

              Not the way he lives. It's private and beautiful.

              What are you getting so angry about?

              Last time we went I got a tick.

              A tick? Oh, wow. Big deal.

              - For you it wasn't a big deal. - Everyone will be there.

              For the potential contacts I can put up with a few ticks.

              It's like you're an international spy.

              You've got contacts all over town.

              I plan to have my own gallery!

              You've changed unbelievably over the years.

              Oh, yeah? You know what? People grow. Some people.

              It's not growth. You used to hate the beach.

              And Jerry Bender has got a crush on you...

              What?! That's nuts.

              This guy stares at you and mentally undresses you.

              That's his normal look.

              If he looked at me like that I'd hit him with a brick.

              - Or kiss him on the lips. - Let's drop this.

              What do you mean, you couldn't find it?

              I'm sorry. It's dark in here, and, you know, we...

              We haven't done it in a while, and then you got so angry at me.

              I wasn't angry. You were fumbling

              and I was getting out of the mood.

              Sorry I couldn't find it. We haven't been doing it in a while.

              - I lost my sense of direction. - Let's not get into it. I'm tired.

              Every marriage goes through valleys and peaks.

              This is like a valley.

              I don't mind going through a valley, but not sinking beneath sea level.

              Why rock the boat?

              You got a bright, beautiful wife. You got a kid you're crazy for.

              Did I tell you about Max? They want to put him in a special class

              because he's got a high IQ.

              - Two bright parents... - Whoever they are.

              I still don't know.

              It's like raising thoroughbreds.

              This kid must come from good stock.

              He's good looking. He's got a high I.Q.

              He's got a great personality and he's amusing.

              This is not my doing. Amanda did the whole adoption.

              I just... resisted. I complained, like a jerk.

              I mean a good father, a dynamite mother

              produces a kid like Max.

              I think the father's dead, but...

              ..the mother...

              Don't go any further.

              I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it.

              How can I forget it? The thought's been put into my head.

              Oh, cursed fate. Certain thoughts are better left unthunk.

              I'll bet this kid has a dynamite mother.

              What makes you think he didn't inherit everything from his father?

              Everything? That's very unlikely. But I'm going to find out.

              Let sleeping dogs lie!

              - I'll bet she's great! - Curiosity. That's what kills us.

              Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer.

              - It's our own hearts and minds. - I'm going to find out.

              Please, Lenny, don't be a schmuck.

              I remember the adoption vaguely

              because I'm somewhat friendly with Amanda.

              It was not that long ago that we did this.

              I recall trying to expedite matters for her.

              I somehow think it was a single parent, with no father.

              Right. Exactly. So is it possible for me to get the name?

              I'd like the name of the mother, if I could.

              That remains forever in our files.

              Even if I have it, I can't give it to you.

              May I ask why you want to know?

              Yes... because I'm curious about it

              and I'm trying to get all the information that I can. So...

              Sorry, that's all I can help you with.

              There's no possibility of... of...

              No. Those are the rules.

              I'm the father of the child. I can't find out who the m..?

              They're very firm. It's never done.

              - How is the little boy doing? - Good. He's great. He's fabulous.

              Say hello to Amanda.

              - There's no possibility that I could... - I'm sorry.

              Really sorry. No way.

              - Okay. Thank you. - Bye-bye.

              What are you doing, Weinrib?

              Don't confuse me. She's coming back in a minute.

              You are breaking the law.

              Breaking the law? There's a higher law.

              I can find out who my son's mother is.

              A judge won't see it that way.

              Keep a lookout for me, for christ's sake.

              Me? I'm the leader of the chorus.

              So what? Look out!

              Get your friend Bud to help you.

              Bud can't help me. Ellie and Amanda are friendly.

              Bud can't keep a secret.

              Why is it a secret? Why can't Amanda know?

              What kind of argument am I getting into?

              Because she wouldn't understand.

              You're guilty because you already have exaggerated notions

              about your son's mother.

              It's understandable, because things are not going smoothly...

              That's why you will always be a chorus member,

              because you don't do anything. I act.

              I take action. I make things happen.

              Hurry the hell up. I hear footsteps.

              I forgot my... dropped my Manila envelope.

              I didn't realize... It has an important interview in it.

              With Roberto Duran.

              You won't believe this, but he's heading for Pennsylvania.

              Of all human weaknesses, obsession is the most dangerous.

              And the silliest.

              - Yeah? -I'm looking for a former tenant here.

              A... a... Leslie Wright.

              Who are you?

              I'm a friend of hers, and I believe she lived here at one time.

              A Leslie Wright?

              Yeah, I remember a girl that used to live here.

              The pretty one upstairs. She was only here for a while.

              - Who are you? - Just an old friend.

              I was trying to track her down. Do you know where I could find her?

              Leslie Wales was her name. Not Leslie Wright.

              Leslie Wales?

              She moved to New York.

              You sure? 'Cause I have a Leslie Wright.

              Did she get married, or...

              I don't know.

              You have no other information? Where I could find her?

              No. She was only here for a little while.

              Let me give you my phone number.

              If anything turns up, I would love to locate her.

              I'll take that.

              - Thank you. - You're welcome.

              You have a phone call. Mr. Lamont.

              Says he's from Philadelphia.

              You gave him your number.

              Is this Lenny Weinrib? Go ahead, sir.

              - Hello? - This is Bill Lamont.

              That woman you were looking for... we asked another guy

              who said her name was Leslie St. James.

              Said she moved to New York City. Talked about becoming an actress .

              Leslie St. James?

              Yes, sir. He remembered her quite well.

              Leslie St. James is the name she took.

              There was a Leslie St. James

              who was a member of the Screen Extras Guild.

              So that's that.

              So what are you telling me? That she was a movie extra,

              or a stage extra?

              That's all I have.

              And there's an address, but, you know, this book's a few years old.

              So...

              I'm looking for a Leslie St. James, or maybe Leslie Wales.

              I don't know, but I think she lived here.

              Sure, I remember. A tall girl.

              She changed her name to Linda Ash.

              - Linda Ash? - Yeah.

              It was a fake name. She did sex movies.

              Sex movies?

              You know, like Deep Throat ? Skin flicks.

              Tall. Blonde. Hot. Very hot.

              Really good-looking?

              Great looking. Tremendous body.

              - How ya' doin'? - Hey, Lenny, how are ya?

              - Good. Can I talk to you a minute? - Yeah.

              I need a favour.

              You got it. What?

              You got friends in the adult film business, right?

              My nephew knows 'em all. Why?

              I'm trying to locate an actress named Linda Ash.

              You know which movie she did?

              No. I was in the video store, trying to get a video,

              but I get embarrassed because my neighbour saw me there...

              I hear ya. Let me get back to ya, Len.

              I don't know why we have to do this.

              I don't want to spend the whole weekend at Jerry Bender's.

              Please. We've been through this.

              There are lots of important clients there.

              Meanwhile, this guy is going to stare at you the whole weekend

              and mentally undress you.

              He is not. God, you're paranoia's rivalled in history

              only by Joseph Stalin.

              I'm glad you could make it out this weekend.

              There are some people around here you should meet.

              Thanks, Jerry. I really appreciate it. I really do.

              I love your sailboat.

              It's fun, isn't it? Sorry the waves were so choppy, Lenny.

              It's no problem. I don't mind throwing up into the wind.

              You know, we could see that house next door at three o'clock.

              - It's a great... - Could I make one quick phone call?

              - Yeah. Ken... - Right here.

              Could you show Lenny the private phone?

              Sure. It's right over here.

              That house sounds exciting. What are they asking again?

              Why don't you spend the night here tonight? What do you say?

              We could go for a sail.

              You can't believe what the stars look like lying in the back of a boat.

              I'd love to. I really would love to.

              - Then do it. - But I... he has to get back.

              Really?

              Yeah.

              I got the skinny on Linda Ash. She's been in a few films.

              She's no star, or nothin'. That's why you never heard of her.

              She works under the stage name Judy Cum.

              Mostly, she's a hooker.

              I got her number.

              Judy Cum?

              You never should have looked for her. Now I see big trouble.

              Oh, for God's sakes, you're such a Cassandra.

              I'm not such a Cassandra. I am Cassandra.

              That's who I am.

              - I gotta check this thing out. - You'll be sorry.

              I'm telling you, quit now.

              Oh, and don't let Amanda talk you into buying the house next door.

              This place?

              Yes. I see big problems with beach erosion.

              And a heavy mortgage.

              Well, I love that property.

              It's right near everybody.

              Doesn't mean we have to see them all the time, but we have the option.

              You... you're not afraid of beach erosion, right?

              Beach erosion? Come on, now. You're such a Cassandra.

              - You going to take a shower? - Yeah. Yeah, can you...

              - fix something for dinner? - I'll make dinner.

              - Yeah. I'll make the spaghetti, okay? - Yeah.

              There's some sauce in the fridge.

              Hello, is this Linda?

              Linda, this is Lenny. I got your number from Charlie Biggs.

              And I wonder if it would be possible

              that you would have some time tomorrow afternoon.

              - You shouldn't do this. - Would you please stop it?

              - You're going to cheat on Amanda? - I'm not cheating.

              I just want to see...

              You can get a disease. Aren't you scared of AlDS?

              I'm not going to sleep with the girl.

              I want to see what she looks like, get to know her.

              Is it possible that we could meet at a hotel?

              You're going to rent a hotel room with a hooker and not sleep with her?

              Leave me alone. I want to talk to her.

              How about the Plaza on   th Street?

              What are you doing? At least pick an out-of-the-way spot.

              Oh, Christ.

              Linda, maybe it would be better if I... What about your place?

              Would that be a possibility?

              Hold on one second.

              Three o'clock.

              Okay, um... I'll be there, and it's Lenny.

              Lenny Gildersleeve.

              Okay. I can't believe this.

              I can't believe it.

              Hi. Are you my three o'clock?

              - Linda Ash? - Yeah, that's right.

              I'm Lenny.

              Hello, Lenny. Come on in.

              You're Linda Ash, right?

              - Yeah. - 'Cause we spoke on the phone?

              Yeah. Are you okay? You look all white.

              I'm okay.

              Do you want something to drink?

              C... C... Do you have a little Perrier or something?

              - What? - A little tap water, or something?

              Oh, sure. I have that.

              You're definitely Linda Ash?

              Yeah. What's the matter? Are you a stroke victim or something?

              I told you three times I'm Linda Ash.

              Oh, you have a beautiful apartment.

              Thank you. I did it myself.

              Let me show you something I just got.

              That. lsn't it a pisser?

              Yes. It's magnificent.

              Yeah, I got a great sense of humour.

              That's something you're going to find out about me.

              I'm funny and I can take a joke. A lot of people can't.

              I can. They say that about me too.

              - That I have a good sense of... - Good. Then you'll like this.

              Look. I just got this. Somebody gave it to me.

              See? As the mainspring goes back and forth,

              the bishop keeps fucking her in the ass.

              It's a genuine antique and it keeps perfect time.

              My goodness, it's disgusting...

              The water today is a little bit brown.

              Would you like some Sprite instead?

              I'm feeling a little dizzy.

              Oh, no. Come sit down.

              I don't know why. Usually, you know, I'm just the picture of health.

              Yeah? Do you work out?

              Not religiously.

              Oh, I'm not religious either. Mostly my folks were Episcopalian.

              Oh, are they?

              - So... - So... So what do you do, Lenny?

              No, wait. Let me guess.

              I have a great knack for guessing what people do for a living.

              Rug salesman.

              You're close. I'm a sportswriter.

              Oh, shit. I wasn't even in the ball park.

              Wait, wait. Ball park. Sportswriter. Get it?

              I... I get it.

              I did it with a wrestler once... a huge, hairy guy.

              You'd figure he'd be hung like a horse, but there was very little there.

              Could I just get a little water?

              I don't care if it's brown.

              - I'm sorry. - I don't mind rust.

              I'm just feeling a li...

              Tell me, Linda...

              Tell me about yourself, Linda.

              What do you want to know?

              Anything. I'd just like to know about you.

              - Well, basically... - Yes?

              ..I'm an actress.

              That's wonderful.

              I like drama. I study.

              Yes? Where's that?

              Paul DeLucca. Have you ever heard of him?

              Paul DeLucca? No, but then I wouldn't.

              He's really well-known. He's a genius.

              I'm sure.

              He says he thinks I'm going to make it big.

              I know you will.

              Maybe you've seen some of my movies.

              It's possible.

              Did you ever see The Enchanted Pussy?

              Not yet. But I... I... it's on my list.

              They're videotaped, so you could rent it.

              But my real ambition is to be on Broadway in a musical.

              - I sing. - Do you?

              Excuse me.

              Hello. Is he? Some of them are called John, all right?

              Was that your husband?

              Ha ha. Very funny.

              But I mean, you have no husband or family?

              No children or anything? Anything like that?

              'Cause some do. You have a funny look on your face.

              Did I say the wrong thing?

              No, not really.

              - I said... - No! No!

              Listen, what are you in the mood for?

              Me? I would like... we could chat for a while.

              I thought I'd get into it slowly, and, you know...

              You're married, aren't you.

              How can you tell that?

              'Cause you got that look.

              That look? What look is that?

              That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.

              Oh, that look.

              I can understand... Where are you from?

              Around. What are you so interested in me for?

              That's my fingers.

              Yes, I know. Here. Here. Pull! Pull!

              - Pull..? - Pull the string.

              - Pull these strings? - Pull all the strings.

              - See what happens? - I'm not so mechanical...

              It's easy. Here. Pull. See? It opens.

              That's amazing. Science is...

              Oh, really. You're a very attractive woman...

              a very beautiful young woman.

              Thank you, honey. You're cute, too.

              So what do you say? You want to go inside?

              Take a shower? You can study me up close and personal.

              Oh, no. See, I've bathed already.

              You got lipstick on my fi...

              You smell clean.

              Thank you. As I say, I'm basically...

              - My ear. - You're sensitive, huh?

              That's my weak spot, in my ear.

              Little nibbling. Just makes me...

              Okay, Lenny. Are you nervous.

              I... No. But, yes, I am nervous, to tell you the truth.

              I've never done this, actually.

              That's all right. I'll take it slow.

              Oh, okay.

              lncidentally, I think I should tell you ahead of time,

              I get $   .

              That's no problem.

              - I just... - Thanks, Lenny.

              Just a show of good faith.

              You're really sweet, Len.

              Put it down as a religious contribution.

              No, but seriously, you want to know why I liked you right from the start?

              - Why? 'Cause I'm always attracted to losers.

              Losers? You think I'm a loser?

              Yeah. You got no confidence.

              It's sweet. I like that in a man.

              I can't stand those johns who've come in here

              and throw down a couple hundred and whip out a big dick

              and wave it all over the joint.

              I wouldn't do that even if I wanted to.

              Shit!

              Hello. Oh, hello, Angela.

              Oh, God. Thank you for thinking of me.

              That's great.

              Okay, yeah... Well, I'll see you at ten. Bye.

              I just got a small part in an Angela Dawson movie.

              I get to do it with her.

              I don't understand you.

              If you're serious about being a Broadway actress,

              what are you wasting your time with all this porn for?

              What's it to you? It's good experience.

              Making it with a woman in front of the camera is good experience?

              That's going to get you closer to be a Broadway star?

              - What are you getting all mad for? - I'm not mad. I just think it's crazy.

              You're an attractive young woman.

              You don't have to live like this.

              You take money from guys, and you perform all these acts.

              You could be... hey! I'm talking to you.

              - You could have a family. - Let go of me.

              You could have a husband and a child....

              Stop! Stop it now!

              Now listen, I don't like possessive men.

              You don't want to do anything with me...

              - I want to talk. - Do you want to do it or not?

              I paid you, I want to talk.

              - I bought the time. - You get your money back.

              - Keep the money. - Refund. Let's go.

              I bought the time.

              Stop it. I'm giving it back and you're leaving.

              - Why can't I talk? - Get out!

              Daddy, why are you staring at me like that?

              Come here. You know why I'm staring at you?

              I'm staring at you because I can't believe it.

              Because you're so bright, and you're such a great kid...

              Come on, Max. It's time for bed.

              Come on. Time for beddums.

              Ready? Kid's gettin' heavy.

              He can walk, you know.

              Can you walk?

              Poor Weinrib. Turn back! Don't meddle any further.

              Accept the truth.

              I see disaster. I see catastrophe.

              Worse! I see lawyers.

              But wait! A messenger.

              I come from the midtown area, where Lenny Weinrib

              tortured by passions too overwhelming to regulate,

              did indeed call this little hustler on the phone

              in earnest attempt to see her again.

              At first, he wrestled with these drives,

              trying to master a curiosity not slaked by this initial meeting,

              but only whetted by it.

              His thirst to know this woman more

              did inexorably provoke him to call her.

              Nervous and confused, at first he only got her answering machine.

              Then, at fifth try, she picked up the phone herself.

              Painful to relate, that she thought he was nuts,

              and did not want to meet him no-how.

              ''Stop bothering me, creep!'' was her cutting declaration.

              Then she used the ''F'' word.

              Agonized, he called again, offering her abundant financial compensation

              just for a brief chat.

              But she bade him get off her back and slammed the phone down.

              Finally, in doldrums mixed with much anxiety,

              he stood watch outside her apartment,

              and waited until such a time

              as he did spot her heading for the laundromat.

              - Oh, my God. - Don't get upset or anything.

              I thought we could have lunch. I'll pay for your time.

              - I just want to speak to you. - All right!

              What are you? Some kind of fucking pervert...

              Leave me alone. I'm not one of those psychopaths

              that kills prostitutes. I promise you.

              - Why would you say that. - I'm joking. I'm joking.

              ln my work, I have to keep an eye out for strange individuals.

              I knew a girl that got killed.

              I got you some flowers. Here.

              Let's have lunch. I'll pay for it. I'll pay for your time.

              I just want to talk to you.

              So then my mother married my third father...

              I don't know if she married him, but he moved in.

              We didn't get along. He was a disgusting drunk.

              What about your hereditary father? Your actual, actual...

              Oh! He was a drug pusher.

              And he was also a car thief, and he picked pockets.

              And, you know, he burgled and stuff,

              and he was an epileptic.

              You haven't left anything out, right?

              - Mail fraud! - Mail fraud.

              That's what they caught him on.

              Hey, you got an appetite like a lumberjack here.

              Oh, well, thank you.

              It's fine. Eat all you want.

              I'm very hungry, actually.

              So then I ran away when I was   .

              And I went away with this musician named Johnny.

              It was terrible, because we fought all the time.

              Finally, he committed suicide.

              And for years I thought it was because of my cooking.

              He always hated my clam sauce.

              And so then I kicked around from Chicago, Philadelphia...

              ..all over the place, and I ended up here.

              You never thought of just getting a regular job?

              Well, yeah, sure I did.

              I did things. I waited on tables.

              I worked in a massage parlour. I did phone sex.

              Now and then I would turn a few tricks to make some dough,

              and one day my friend Suzie calls me and asks me if I want to be in a film,

              something called Snatch Happy.

              I said sure, and I remember I was very nervous

              because I'd never done it in front of people with a camera before.

              So there I am on the first day, on the set,

              and there's this guy fucking me from behind, right?

              And there's these two huge guys dressed like cops

              in my mouth at the same time, and I remember thinking to myself,

              I like acting. I want to study.

              Yes, well, it's... it's one way of getting into the profession.

              Tell me about your family a little bit.

              I told you already. You could write a book by now.

              But were there any unusual members?

              Very bright ones, brilliant, talented...

              Yes, I'm sorry. There was.

              My father's brother was supposed to be a genius.

              I never met him, but everybody said he was brilliant.

              Really? What did he do?

              He was a serial rapist. He spent his whole life in jail.

              But if he had gone straight, he might have been very good in math.

              I think I got my intelligence from him,

              because everybody else in the family is all slugs and lowlifes.

              - I'm the only one with any ambition. - Are you?

              And you never had a drive to get married?

              What for? They were all assholes.

              One of them used to beat me up.

              Another one used to fuck my best friend when I wasn't looking.

              It was sickening.

              Really? And let me ask you this.

              At any point in your life did you ever think, like...

              maybe I'd like to have a child?

              - I did have a child once. - Did you?

              It was a sad story.

              I'll tell you some other time when I know you better.

              If I ever know you better.

              Are you free this afternoon?

              Do you have some free time this afternoon?

              Are you finally in the mood?

              I have an assignment. I thought you might want to come with me

              because I think you'll enjoy it.

              I'm going to bet on a horse, and if it wins, you can keep the dough.

              Here's one. Eager Beaver.

              I once did a film called Beaver Patrol

              about these boy scouts who find drunk girl scouts in the woods.

              They take them to a cabin and pull out these dildos...

              All right, okay. You're sure you want to bet on Eager Beaver?

              - I know it's the one. - It's   -  .

              It's a sign. I know it's going to work.

              Famous last words.

              I got a hunch.

              You got a hunch. We'll bet on it.

              So if he wins, how much do I make?

              At   -  you make three thousand dollars.

              Oh, my God. I could get that blue chinchilla coat I wanted.

              You could get anything you wanted.

              - A jacuzzi... - Except he's not gonna win.

              I know what I could do! This is great.

              I hope you're right. There's a reason the horse is   -  though.

              He's probably got polio.

              No, no. This is a sign. My luck is going to change.

              Is your real name Linda?

              I use a lot of names.

              My born name is Leslie,

              but I like to use names that have nice meanings, like Mary...

              for the Virgin Mary, or angel, or Linda, which means pretty in Spanish.

              But my screen name's Judy Cum.

              Lucky there's not a horse with that name...

              No, no, no. My attorney friend would take that under advisement.

              I got exclusive rights to that name.

              All right, all right. Let me ask you a question.

              Are you ever frightened that when a guy comes over to your house

              and pays you that he's going to tie you up and kill you?

              I always get paid in advance.

              Come on. Eager Beaver. He's paying. Honey...

              They're coming to the finish. It's Autumn Daisy...

              Eager Beaver continues to drop back.

              Autumn Daisy... It's Autumn Daisy by a head.

              Shit! Last! Stupid Horse. Damn it. I had it spent already.

              Relax, relax. I mean, relax, will ya? It's not so terrible.

              I told you it was a long shot.

              I never have any luck. Never!

              I never win a fucking thing in my entire life.

              Stay calm. You gotta learn to be a graceful loser.

              If it's the money, I'll lend you the money.

              It's not the money. I don't care about the money.

              I just wanted to win so badly.

              What do you want to win for? We're just out here having a good time.

              Because I wanted to impress you.

              Impress me? You're not running in the race.

              You don't have to impress me.

              But I wanted to show you I could pick a winner.

              My horse didn't win either.

              Come on. You do impress me.

              You're attractive. You're quick. You have a lot of energy.

              You're obviously a state-of-the-art philatrix.

              - What? - Nothing. I'm impressed.

              Don't say ''nothing.'' You think I'm stupid?

              I don't think you're stupid.

              I think you're doing a stupid thing with your life, but I told you that already.

              I don't understand why it matters so much to you.

              We'll stay for one more race, and this time I'll bet for you.

              Let me make the bet.

              Let's go to the window. We'll make one bet.

              Please don't pick one that runs second,

              'cause I want a winner.

              They give these horses saliva tests. I can't guarantee anything.

              I gave you your winnings, right?

              Yeah. That was a great race. Too bad the horse only paid    cents.

              It was a heavy favourite.

              I bet him to come in third. At least you get something.

              Yeah. So, you want to come in?

              I gotta go home. I got a wife and kid.

              You only talk about me. You never talk about yourself.

              It's late for me. I had a great time, but I gotta go.

              I feel I owe you a great fuck.

              Do me a favour. Go upstairs, rest your ulcer. Stay in tonight.

              I can't stay in. I got six dates.

              Slow night for you.

              I wish I had the penicillin concession in your apartment. I'd be wealthy.

              So you gonna call me again?

              Yeah, I'll call you. Don't worry.

              Promise?

              I'll call you again.

              Okay. I had a great time. Bye.

              - Congratulations. - Thirty-five years.

              You and Amanda have a way to go, but you'll make it.

              You guys look so young, both of you.

              Your mother could be your sister, and you could be brother and...

              I don't know where that puts me, but anyway...

              She looks so beautiful, doesn't she?

              To me she always looks beautiful.

              And you, when I said sisters before, I mean it.

              You guys look so great.

              With all the responsibility she has opening her new gallery...

              What new gallery? New gallery?

              I didn't tell you, 'cause I don't know until...

              Did I say the wrong thing?

              - No. I'm just not sure. - It's     percent definite.

              You're so insecure. It's happening. Excuse me.

              What is the story?

              It looks like I have the backing, but it's not definite.

              Your mother said it was definite.

              Seems I do have the backing,

              and there's this wonderful space on Vesey street.

              Down SoHo. And it looks like... we think we can get it.

              The Dorans are putting in some money.

              - Don't look so happy about it. - I am happy. I'm very happy for you.

              But it's the first I'm hearing of it.

              And if your mother didn't tell me...

              I realize that for a time I'm going to be busier than usual.

              I know that's a sore point, but it will be only till it gets off the ground.

              - I'm happy for you. - You are?

              Yes. I just would have liked to have known.

              - The Amanda Sloan gallery. - On Vesey Street.

              Believe me, I haven't even told Jerry Bender yet.

              You've got a fine right, you have,

              after the way you treated mother, after the way you treated us all.

              A fine right you've got to come back in here in your best country manner

              and strike attitudes and make stands

              and criticise my fiancÚ,

              and give orders, and mess things up generally

              as if you've done... I can't help it! It's sickening.

              As if he'd done nothing at all!

              Well? What do you think?

              About what?

              About me. You think I'm any good?

              Yes, it's fine. I don't know that much about acting,

              to tell you the truth.

              I can tell you're not too impressed.

              I just thought it's a very odd part for you to choose.

              Why?

              - Because it's the Philadelphia Story. - I lived in Philadelphia.

              - What has that got to do with it? - I know the city.

              Who care...? You pick a part like this.

              You should get something closer to yourself.

              It wouldn't be such a struggle.

              What part should I play?

              I don't know. Something closer.

              Clint Eastwood doesn't play a meek little hairdresser.

              I could play a hairdresser. I used to do it a lot.

              I wanted to be one. I was very good at it.

              Why'd you give it up?

              I don't know. One thing led to another.

              My aunt worked at a beauty parlour for years. She loved it.

              Wait. You mean not be an actress.

              An actress is a very tough life.

              But a hairdresser can always make a buck.

              - A buck? - An honest buck.

              No beatings. No AlDS.

              You can meet somebody... get a family.

              Have a real life. Someone that cares for you.

              Hey! Now don't you think that I want to meet somebody

              and get married and get the hell out of the rat race?

              I would like to move away

              and become a mother and just raise kids.

              I don't want to be a hairdresser. If Clint Eastwood wants to, let him.

              You miss the point. Clint Eastwood doesn't want to be a hairdresser.

              I had a kid, Lenny. And I gave him up for adoption.

              It's the sorriest thing I ever did in my entire life.

              There's not a day that doesn't go by

              that I don't wake up thinking about him.

              Now some lucky family has him.

              I just hope to God that they're taking good care of him.

              Why'd you give him up?

              I don't know. I was all confused.

              I had no dough. I didn't know what to do.

              I... I didn't even know who the father was.

              It could have been any one of a hundred guys.

              Welcome to planet Earth thanks to a broken condom.

              That's tough.

              What about your kid?

              Max? You know, Max is the greatest.

              - Yeah? - Sure.

              Do you have a picture of him?

              A picture of Max?

              I'd like to see him.

              Yeah, I guess I...

              He's very sweet.

              You're very lucky.

              With Amanda, it was fate. With Linda, it's hubris.

              His drive to find out, and now, to change her life,

              to control her.

              - Yes. - Danger. Wait.

              I see danger.

              Wait a minute. I don't have any interest in controlling her.

              I'm doing this for Max's sake.

              When the kid gets older, inevitably he's going to trace his mother.

              And I'd be happier if she was married and a hairdresser

              rather than the star of The Enchanted Pussy.

              Danger. I see horrible, horrible danger.

              Terrible danger.

              I can handle myself emotionally.

              Not emotional danger. Physical danger.

              I see a bald man. He has a lead pipe.

              He's breaking your knee caps.

              So how did Jerry Bender take it

              when you said that the decision was final?

              You know what? He was amazing.

              I thought he'd be upset, but he was very excited and very supportive.

              He was absolutely great about it.

              Anyway, I'm calling to say I can't make dinner tonight.

              You're kidding. It's going to be great.

              Everybody in the Madison Square Garden organisation

              is going to be there.

              There's no way I can get away.

              The architects are here and the Dorans are in town from Paris.

              And the architects fly back to Milan tonight. I can't.

              I'll tell you what. I'll go home and put Max to sleep.

              I'll spend a little time there. And then...

              Look, let me... I'm going to call you back.

              I got... I'm going to call you back.

              - It's just against our policy. - I understand.

              - If you want to wait here. - Whatever.

              There's someone here to see you.

              Come in. Come in. This is Miss Gildersleeve.

              You know her?

              Miss Gildersleeve. We're old... It's okay.

              I'll be in here.

              - You don't need anything? - I'm fine.

              What are you doing here?

              Lenny, I gotta talk to you. Ricky threatened to hurt me.

              Who's Ricky?

              He takes a percentage of my work.

              He's a pimp, right?

              No, he's like a business representative.

              What do you need a business rep...

              All you need is a mattress and a couple of garter belts.

              You're not a conglomerate.

              He said he was going to cut me up

              because I told him I didn't want to work anymore.

              It's a great idea that you want to phase out.

              He has no qualms about killing me.

              Call the police. That's not a big deal.

              How can I call the police with my set-up?

              You know, I told you a thousand times

              you're in a hazardous business.

              - So that's what happens. - I'm sorry.

              - Don't go outside. - I'm not going outside.

              I thought maybe if you could talk to him.

              Me? What are you, nuts?

              Because you're smart and bright and you got a way with words.

              I can't talk to him. I don't even know the guy.

              He knows it was your idea that I get out of the business,

              so he said he's going to kill you too.

              He said he was going to kill me?

              'Cause it was your idea, he's going to cut up my face

              and put a bullet between your eyes.

              Really? Did he specify the calibre?

              Listen! I just thought maybe you could reason with him.

              No, I can't. I never told you this,

              but I got a slight heart murmur, and right now it's murmuring, ''Hide''.

              I don't believe you're a coward.

              Only in actuality. This is not for me.

              - I need your help. - I'm not a violent person.

              I write about hockey, and boxing and football.

              - This is not my world. - I want to quit, like you said.

              He said he's not going to let me. He's going to hurt us both.

              What do you want me to do? How am I going to talk to him?

              You just talk, because you're smarter than he is,

              and you're stronger than he is. You're a much better man.

              Remember that. He's a little intimidating.

              He's got a bald head and an earring.

              But you'll win. I know you will.

              Does... I don't...

              You're a good man. You'll win.

              In case anything comes up,

              I want you to know that I'm type O positive. Okay?

              I got the feeling you came here

              and moved into this whole Knickpersona...

              Did you get caught up....

              Excuse me. I'm Lenny Gildersleeve.

              I'm a friend of Linda Ash's.

              And I thought that perhaps we could...

              What I want to discuss with you is that...

              there comes a time in the life of every young woman,

              not just Linda, but everyone,

              that they want to perhaps make a change in their life.

              They maybe want to settle down, or explore alternative lifestyles.

              I don't think you've been a very good influence on Linda, Mr. Weinrib.

              Weinrib. Right.

              Gildersleeve is a name that I use for business purposes.

              I got an investment in Linda.

              No question. I honour that.

              But by now she's probably repaid you ten-fold or twenty-fold...

              Don't be so fuckin' sure, 'cause you don't know

              what the fuckin' numbers are.

              That's a point well-taken. Excuse me, you're...

              I understand what you're saying.

              Is that a Peligrino? Can I...

              Because you've bent my throat now.

              The windpipe used to hang straight.

              Fucking Knicks suck.

              They need a good shooting forward.

              There's going to be a three-way trade.

              Seattle, Atlanta, and the Knicks are talking.

              Bullshit.

              I kid you not. I know. It's in the air.

              They're discussing a trade.

              You think the Nets got a chance?

              If they're injury free, I think they have a good chance.

              I like the Nets. They're two years away is all.

              I would say two or three, myself.

              See? We have a common interest, the three of us.

              - What were we talking about? - Linda Ash.

              Oh, yeah. That girl's goin' no place.

              She walks on me I'll disfigure her

              and I'll fuckin' kill you.

              That's exactly what Dr. Kleinholdtz would call acting out.

              Don't tell me how to run my business.

              My girls do what I tell them.

              Far be it from me to advise you.

              You obviously have a work ethic that's specific to your needs.

              That's why you can afford an establishment like this.

              You're going to take that from him?

              Take it easy.

              I'm about to have an out of body experience here.

              Show strength.

              Show strength? This guy is going to put me into    separate Mason jars.

              The girl was right. They respect strength. They despise cowardice.

              Power is all they know.

              Stand firm. Remember brave Achilles.

              Achilles only had an Achilles heel.

              I have a full Achilles body.

              Go on.

              Look, I'll level with you.

              I want to discuss this Linda Ash thing...

              What are you so interested in Linda for anyway?

              Are you fuckin' her?

              It's a strictly Platonic relationship.

              If you're a friend of hers, don't be putting stupid ideas in her head.

              She's liable to get hurt. You too.

              You going to let him do that to you?

              Would you do me a favour and go back to Athens?

              You going to let your son's mother

              remain a white slave to this two-bit pimp?

              It's starting to look that way.

              - Get the Knicks tickets yet? - No tickets. I tried everywhere.

              Do you need tickets to the Knicks game?

              Why? Who do you know?

              We want seats on the floor, next to the movie stars.

              If you want to discuss a deal with Linda I can get you courtside seats.

              Nobody can get 'em. I tried.

              I can. I'm a sportswriter. I can get 'em.

              I'd fucking give you my mother for courtside seats,

              much less this cheap little whore.

              Perfectly put. Succinctly put. I know what point you're making.

              If you're trying to fuckin' pull something,

              I will shoot you and her through the fuckin' eyeballs.

              Silly to haggle over details. I'll get the tickets. I promise.

              Then we can discuss Linda.

              Dad? Are you very brave?

              Am I brave? Funny you should ask that question.

              Who'd win a fight, you versus Mike Tyson?

              What? Who'd win what?

              Who'd win a fight, you versus Mike Tyson?

              Me versus Mike Tyson? Who do you think would win?

              You?

              It'd be no contest.

              He would probably take the early rounds, but I'd get to him.

              I'd chase him all over the ring. That's my style. Always was.

              I think it will work. I think it will.

              I want the gallery to be lit from above

              so I guess the skylight will have to be enlarged.

              Honey, bed? Could you?

              - Me or him? - Him. Please?

              No, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't.

              Why are you fighting this?

              Because I'm married, and I have a family.

              And I love Lenny.

              I love him.

              Who are you trying to convince? You or me?

              I got you a present.

              You're kidding.

              Yeah, for fixing things up with me and Ricky.

              I know that he can be really rough.

              That was completely unnecessary.

              Very sweet, but completely unnecessary.

              You didn't want a blowjob,

              so the least I could do was get you a tie.

              Good thinking. That's, uh... a tie, isn't it?

              Would you ever wear anything that bright?

              If the occasion demanded.

              If I ever get invited to the Mardi Gras.

              Oh, good. Do you want a sandwich?

              No, I'm fine. Thank you.

              - It's great. - Good.

              You know what, Lenny?

              I couldn't get your son's picture out of my mind.

              He's a very cute kid.

              Yeah. Len, I think I would be a good mother.

              I think you'd be a great mother.

              You're very affectionate.

              I would like to start over again.

              Maybe have a house.

              - That would be nice. - It would be great.

              I think it would be fabulous. And you could do it.

              Yeah? The problem is now finding the right guy.

              I need to find somebody who will love me.

              Somebody who will take care of me, and respect me.

              I'll keep my eye open.

              Maybe, who knows?

              The only thing is he'd have to be as smart as me.

              I'm sure there's somebody out there... You'll find an equal somewhere.

              And don't worry, Len. I gave up on you.

              I knew it couldn't be.

              Let me tell you, at my age, if I made love with you,

              they would have to put me on a resuscitator.

              This is Max. My kid.

              How old are you?

              - Five. -You're five?

              You going to be a fighter?

              Max is going to be a middleweight.

              I think he's going to be a heavyweight the way you're carrying him.

              I'm going to teach you how to box, Max.

              I'm going to show you a combination punch.

              One five. One five. Two, three and four you're going to get.

              This is my kid, Max. This is Ray.

              Max is going to be a middleweight when he gets older.

              Maybe a heavyweight? Looks like a heavyweight.

              - You going to hit the bag with me? - Okay.

              - Nice kid. - He's a doll.

              So what's with the Sanchez thing?

              Is he going to win that? Is he training?

              He can do it. He's in the best shape of his life.

              Only thing is you don't know what these guys do outside the gym.

              That's the point. You hear the stories.

              He'll be all right. Kevin, come here.

              I want to introduce you to my friend. He's a sportswriter.

              How ya doin'? I'm going to get warmed up, all right?

              - Show us what you can do. - My hand's still sore.

              Wrap it up. You'll be okay.

              I don't know the kid.

              This kid can move. He hits good, too.

              Nice hand speed, you know?

              Only thing is you don't know about these guys.

              Sometimes they lack the desire.

              I don't know if he's got the killer instinct.

              Keeps talking about going upstate where he comes from,

              on an onion farm.

              He wants to be an onion farmer.

              - The kid's a farmer? - An onion farmer.

              I don't know how long he's going to stick around.

              That's the problem. It's a shame, too.

              He hits like a fuckin' mule. He's fast.

              But he wants to quit boxing. He wants to hang out on the farm.

              And the worst thing of all is his girlfriend left him.

              - She quit on him. - Really?

              Took him for everything he's got.

              He's a nice, sweet kid, but between you and I, ain't got much upstairs.

              They're all alike. What's the matter with you?

              Looks like you got something on your mind.

              Hey, this is the left, and this is the right, right?

              Yeah, yeah, Kevin. That's right.

              - Hi, Lenny. I'm so sorry I'm late. - It's okay. It's startin' to rain.

              I don't have an umbrella.

              I met a guy this afternoon that I think would be great for you.

              - Perfect. - For me?

              He's young. He's strong. He's healthy.

              Absolutely perfect. What does he do?

              He's dicking around in agriculture.

              What's wrong with his dick?

              He's a farmer. The guy's a farmer.

              - You met a farmer? - An onion farmer.

              - Where? - At the gym.

              What the hell is an onion farmer doing at the gym?

              He's finishing a very productive career as a boxer.

              A boxer? Lenny.

              He doesn't want to be a boxer anymore.

              He wants to meet the right girl and be a farmer.

              Don't look at me.

              His brother has a big onion farm upstate, and just think of it.

              It would be so great. A small town, and you're hairdressing,

              and raising kids.

              What small town?

              - Wompsville. - Where?

              It's an old lndian name. It's a place rich in American heritage.

              Are you off your fucking rocker?

              I'm going to marry an onion farmer and do hair in Wimpsville?

              Wompsville, not Wimpsville. It's so perfect.

              He's a nice, sweet guy. He's great.

              Forget it.

              He's perfect, though. He's bright. You'll think he's bright.

              He's a fucking onion farmer.

              He's a nice kid. More important, he's honest, and decent,

              and don't offer to give him a blowjob in the first five minutes.

              - He thinks you're a hairdresser. - You lied?

              - You shouldn't lie. - Just do what I'm telling you.

              Just listen to me for once.

              I don't know. I'm off the girls.

              The last girl I was with cheated me out of all my dough.

              This is a nice kid. She's nice.

              This the hairdresser you told me about?

              This is the hairdresser, and I gave you a big build-up.

              This girl could have her pick of any guy she wants.

              What'd you tell her?

              I told her you were handsome, a great athlete, you're gifted, bright...

              You didn't lie.

              Would I lie? Of course not.

              You told her I could fight?

              I told her, but what touches her heart is that you want to be a farmer.

              This is a girl that has a love of the soil.

              I promise you.

              Onions. My brother's got an onion farm.

              I want to go there and get the hell out of the city.

              Perfect. You mention onions to Linda, she goes crazy.

              She goes nuts if you say onion.

              You say onion to Linda, the girl...

              All right, all right. That's her name? Linda?

              Linda, yeah. It's a pretty name.

              What are you so standoffish...

              - Is that with a ''er'' or ''ur''? - Is what with an...

              - Linder. - Linda. Linda. With an ''a''.

              She's a great kid, and she's a substantial woman.

              This is not a dumb girl.

              This girl has got a PhD in root and follicle culture.

              She's pretty, right?

              To die. She's to die.

              That's important, 'cause I been stung.

              The last girl I was with drove me up the wall.

              She made my stomach sick to the stomach.

              Linda is church people.

              That's what I want. I want a church girl.

              I don't want one of these fast New York sluts.

              I want a nice homely girl that likes to raise a family,

              dogs and all that kind of thing.

              Can I say two words to you? Butter churn.

              Butter churn. This is a pioneer girl.

              This is a girl who is practically incidentally a virgin.

              What do you mean, practically?

              I want to level with you.

              She's slept with one or two guys in her life.

              An old college professor and her childhood sweetheart.

              Both of them killed in combat for their nation.

              - It's a sad story. - A professor got killed in combat?

              Humanities regiment.

              They were the first ones to land in Anzio.

              And you said she was an actress.

              She's been in some films?

              She's had a couple of good roles.

              Like what? She's ever been in anything I've seen?

              You didn't see Schindler's List?

               No, no, no. That was the one with the Jews and...

                who were the bad guys?

                The Nazis. The blond guys were the Nazis.

                They were tough motherfuckers.

                I'm telling you, this is a good girl.

                She's wonderful.

                He's playing God.

                It would be nice if he could bring this off.

                It's hubris.

                He spent a lot of time preparing her.

                Listen, have you given any more thought

                to what we discussed?

                Yeah, yeah. I did.

                I mean, look, the problem is I don't know how I feel anymore.

                I'm confused.

                - Listen, Amanda, I love you. - Yeah?

                And you're never going to be able to forgive yourself

                if you don't give it a try.

                Kevin, this is Linda. Linda, this is Kevin.

                - How ya doin'? - Hi.

                So... I'll go.

                I just wanted to bring you guys together.

                You know, you could maybe stick around.

                We could go out or something.

                I'm completely superfluous.

                You don't feel good?

                No, I'm superfluous. I'm completely unnecessary.

                You guys can have a great time and I got stuff to do.

                I got these for you.

                What are these, daisies?

                That's great. That's nice.

                - Yeah. - I thought you said he was a farmer.

                He is a farmer.

                I know they're not onions. They're not onions.

                Daisies make me sneeze.

                Come here a minute. Excuse us one second.

                They're beautiful flowers.

                Tell him they're beautiful and enjoy yourself.

                - They make me sneeze. - I'll hold them.

                She sneezes from flowers. That's good luck.

                - I'll hold the flowers. - Thanks.

                Go ahead, have fun. I'll see you guys.

                I'm going to go. Take care.

                So... you're pretty.

                He's tellin' the truth. You're really pretty.

                Thanks. You're not so bad yourself.

                Yeah, I know.

                I bet you're hung like a horse.

                Yeah, I could ride a horse.

                My brother's got a farm. I love animals.

                I like animals.

                He's got a farm up there with the ducks and the pigs...

                Oh, yeah. ln Wisconsin.

                Wompsville.

                - We'll go to the zoo, huh? - Okay.

                ..Something to me

                Something that simply mystifies me

                Tell me why should it be

                You have the pow'r to hypnotize me

                Live 'neath your spell

                Do do that voodoo that you do so well

                For you do something to me

                That nobody else can do

                I had    fights and I won them all but   .

                I'm impressed.

                How long were you doin' hair?

                I'm just getting started now.

                That's right, 'cause you were doin' the acting, right?

                - Yeah. - That's right.

                I didn't get to see Schindler's List.

                Me, neither.

                What were some of the other films you were in?

                I did The Enchanted... Salad.

                The Enchanted Salad? What was that about?

                Was it good.

                Yeah, it was really good. It was about a waitress.

                I had a really good time with you tonight.

                - Did you? - Yeah.

                Really? Me too.

                You're really good at arcade games.

                I used to date a pinball champ, not for nothing.

                Pinball champ? Was it like a serious relationship?

                We were getting engaged but then two guys strangled him.

                - You know what I like in a woman? - What?

                I like, like an old-fashioned girl, you know, like my mom.

                Like a girl who likes to take care of the house,

                cook and clean, and doesn't mind, you know, walking the dogs,

                doin' the lawn and that kind of thing.

                You know what I mean? That's like my mom.

                Yeah.

                What do you like in a man?

                I like a guy who has a good job

                who treats me nice, and, well, who's kind of built like you.

                Doesn't have to stuff a sock in his jock to look good.

                - You know what my dream is? - What?

                I'm in a field, right? And, like, this hawk comes,

                and picks me up in his beak, right?

                And then flies me like all over the world, right?

                So I see everything?

                And then like he flies me out of the country,

                and like we got up to the North Pole

                and he drops me in the snow.

                I'm just layin' there naked.

                What's your dream?

                My dream is that somebody would come along

                and think that I was special.

                That, you know, they want to come and change my life for me.

                That's my dream.

                You could have that.

                You think?

                Yeah, I think.

                You could definitely have that.

                Pretty girl like you.

                So you think I'm going to get to see you again, or what?

                Do you want to?

                A lot.

                I want to a lot.

                Me, too.

                True love, as refreshing as spring.

                They kissed goodnight.

                And saw each other the very next night, and the next.

                Hold it, everybody. Something's coming in.

                A bulletin.

                Uh-oh. Here comes Miss Party-pooper.

                Tiresias, the blind seer of Thebes,

                I have a vision of him and Weinrib.

                Where?

                Wait... The Acropolis.

                Weinrib. I saw your wife, Amanda.

                You know me?

                Yeah. I saw her. She was working late at the gallery.

                And with her was this Jerry Bender guy.

                That's nothin'. She works with Jerry Bender. Nothin' unusual.

                - You didn't let me finish. - Go on.

                They spoke in intimate tones,

                and then Bender rose and laid a big wet one on her.

                Big wet... Bender kissed Amanda?

                That's what I'm tellin' ya.

                You must have known something was going on.

                I always thought that Bender had eyes for her.

                Now he's got eyes and hands.

                Amanda didn't respond, did she?

                No. She just opened her mouth very wide

                and stuck her tongue out as far as humanly possible.

                Are you sure?

                Hey, did the Trojan horse have a wooden dick?

                And then she pushed her abdomen against his.

                All right, all right. I got the picture.

                I knew it. I always suspected.

                Something you don't want to know, but you had to be blind not to see it.

                God. I'm gonna confront her.

                Not in front of Max.

                Max has got a sleepover date at his friend's house.

                I knew it. Down deep I knew it.

                Thanks, Weinrib. Thanks.

                Thank you. God bless you.

                Oh my God. It's more serious than we thought.

                It's very serious. Her marriage to Lenny is in crisis.

                With the passage of time, even the strongest bonds become fragile.

                Great, fellas. It sounds like a fortune cookie.

                Oh, Zeus, most potent of gods,

                we implore thee, we need your help.

                Zeus, great Zeus, hear us. We call out to thee.

                Um, this is Zeus.

                I'm not home right now, but you can leave a message

                and I'llget back to you.

                Please start speaking at the tone.

                Call us when you get in. We need help.

                God, I think I should move out.

                I can't understand this. It's so radical.

                No, 'cause I can't cheat. Jerry Bender's in love with me.

                And what do you tell me? That you're in love with him?

                I don't know. I gotta find out.

                What do you mean you don't know?

                - I don't know. - What do you mean you don't know?

                Are you in love with him or not?

                Face it, things have changed between us.

                We can fix things. And what about Max?

                He'll be okay. Maybe it will be better for him

                with us apart instead of together and arguing all the time.

                That's crazy. I just think that's crazy.

                I can't have this conversation. It's just too crazy.

                Where are you going?

                I'm going out. I have to get my thoughts together.

                I been waitin' for you, man.

                Leave me alone. I'm in a very bad mood.

                How could you do this to me?

                How could you set me up with this stupid girl?

                What are you talking about?

                You didn't tell me she was a hooker,

                and did porno films

                and had sex with hundreds and hundreds of men and women

                and who knows what else.

                - I thought it would prejudice you. - What?

                How did you find out?

                I call my friends up and tell them I got this girl I want to marry.

                They have me over for drinks

                and my friend puts in this sexy video,

                but I'm not into pornography.

                I look up on the screen and this actress is up there, Judy Cum.

                I told you she had dramatic aspirations.

                I flew off the handle.

                I thought you were broad-minded.

                I came over here and she confessed to everything.

                - And I hit her. - You hit her?

                I was going to break your neck.

                - I don't believe this. - I don't believe this.

                - You hit her? - A little bit.

                God.

                I called my mother. I was upset.

                She says I should come home.

                I don't understand you. You're a broadminded guy.

                People change. You going to hold her past against her?

                - She's a porn star! - You love her. She loves you.

                Forget it, man. It's over, man.

                I told you from day one the girl was not a virgin.

                You didn't tell me how many times, though.

                Thanks for nothin', Lenny.

                Nah, man.

                He hit me.

                I know. I ran into him downstairs and he...

                Oh, Jesus. Look at you.

                God. Does it feel terrible?

                No, not really. Just my ulcer.

                Your ulcer. You shouldn't be drinking.

                That's the worst... Oh, God, look at that.

                Remember you once said we were a couple of losers?

                - Yeah. - I think that's definitely true.

                Why? What happened to you?

                Amanda left me.

                Oh, I'm sorry, Lenny.

                - Would you like a drink? - No.

                What's the matter?

                I don't know.

                Was she great? You can tell me.

                Was she great in bed? I mean, a woman with all that experience.

                I don't know. I just know that suddenly I really miss Amanda.

                But wait! See who approaches.

                There you are.

                Where have you been? I've been looking for you all over.

                I was just out drinking and thinking about everything.

                Oh, Lenny, I'm sorry.

                I was up all night thinking how much I hurt you,

                and how much I messed us up for good.

                And the thought of not being with you... I love you.

                I don't love Jerry at all.

                We have to put things right. Whatever has to be done.

                When you're alone the magic moonlight dies

                At break ofdawn there is no sunrise

                And as for Linda, she drove upstate to Wompsville

                and pleaded with Kevin to take her back, but to no avail.

                Anyway, on the way home she was distraught,

                and felt life held no hope, when, talk about a deus ex machina...

                Like faded flowers life can't mean anything

                When your lover has gone

                So we just had a stabilizing problem and the thing got off balance

                and the radio went glitchy, so I needed to get down to use a phone.

                Thank you very much, by the way, for stopping.

                My name's Don.

                And so Linda married.

                And to a wonderful man who was not uptight and repressed

                and accepted her,

                and even laughed at wild tales of her promiscuous background.

                And so our little Greek drama comes...

                Wait, wait. There's more.

                What more, Tiresias, blind seer of Thebes.

                Tell them just to call me Tiresias, will ya?

                The handicapped are always cranky.

                On that night, Lenny Weinrib and Linda did make love,

                like he was Zeus and she was Aphrodite with an aphrodisiac.

                Get to the point.

                The point is Linda did that night conceive a child.

                She became pregnant with Lenny's child,

                but not wanting to complicate his life with Amanda,

                She never told him.

                lnstead she went off with her new husband

                who stood behind her loyally as she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

                Lenny never saw Linda again,

                and then, one fall day in New York...

                I think they're probably in the back there.

                We can look through the whole store if you like...

                I don't believe this. What are you doing here?

                I'm stunned. What happened to you?

                I'm living in Connecticut. I'm married,

                and my husband Don is a helicopter pilot.

                You're kidding? Where did you go?

                I searched everyplace. It's like you vanished off the face of the earth.

                We had our moment, but I knew you would be back with Amanda.

                I can't... That's so great. So you're married,

                and this is yours?

                Yes! Look at her.

                She's adorable. Very, very...

                - This is Max. - Is that Max?

                Max, say hello. This is a friend.

                - Hi, I'm Linda. - How do you do?

                What a handsome boy. Amanda must be very beautiful.

                And you've gotta have a very handsome husband.

                She has a great face.

                I'm stunned. I don't know what to say.

                Lenny, it's so great to see you.

                You too. You're okay, everything?

                I'm really good.

                Thank you for everything.

                I gotta go. I'm sorry. I'm going to be late.

                - It was great to see you. - It was great to see you. Great.

                But they have each other's child.

                And they don't know.

                Yes, yes. lsn't life ironic?

                Life is unbelievable...

                miraculous, sad, wonderful.

                Yes, this is all true.

                And that's why we say:

                When you're smiling

                When you're smiling

                The whole world smiles with you

                Keep smiling

                When you're laughing

                When you're laughing

                The sun keeps shining through

                But when you're crying

                You bring on the rain

                So stop your sighing

                Be happy again

                Keep on smiling

                'Cause when you're smiling

                The whole world smiles with you

                When you're smiling

                When you're smiling

                The whole world smiles with you

                When you're laughing

                When you're laughing

                The sun keeps shining through

                But when you're crying

                You bring on the rain

                So stop your sighing

                Be happy again.

                Keep on smiling

                'Cause when you're smiling

                The whole world smiles with you

  

  

 
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