Voila! Finally, the Mirror Has Two Faces
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Barbra Streisand
movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mirror Has Two Faces. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Notice the elegance of the proof. lt's beautiful!
lt reminds me of a quote from Socrates:
''lf measure and symmetry are absent from any composition, -
- the ruin awaits both the ingredients and the composition.''
''Measure and symmetry are beauty and virtue the world over.''
- Do you think he's straight? - Yeah, he's too boring to be gay.
- ls it 5:15? - Yes, it is.
Thank you ...
l'm releasing you a half hour early today. l have ... an appointment.
l'm giving a lecture on my new book tonight. You are all welcome.
Rose, get that mask off your face. lt'll clog your pores.
You're going to be late. lt's almost seven o'clock.
You bum! Three million dollars a year! For what?
Come on. Just one more out.
- Barry Neufeld. - Hi, it's Rose.
Hi ... Not again.
l think it's an allergic reaction to something l ate.
- My throat's starting to close up. - lt sounds like you're dying.
- Sure you're not allergic to me? - That's a terrible thing to think!
Every Manhattan restaurant hates me for not keeping reservations.
Why don't you call me next week? lf you still want to.
- Feel better. - Thank you. Bye.
- Should l start with a joke? - No, there's not enough time.
- For what? - To develop a sense of humour.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the author of ''Absolute Truth'', -
- Columbia's very own Professor Gregory Larkin.
You're going to be fine.
Thank you. l'm honoured by this warm and gracious welcome.
Being here, at the end of a journey, l'm reminded of Descartes' words:
''Whether l am awake or asleep, two and three will always make five.''
''lt does not seem possible that such a truth can be questioned.''
This book has taken me over years to write.
lt is with sadness l say goodbye to it consuming my days and nights.
And nights ...
And as l stand here ...
ln coming up ... "summing" up ...
Excuse me, l'm feeling a little dizzy.
l thought it would feel differently. l thought l'd know more. l don't.
l don't know anything, really.
Thank you all for coming.
What did l say?
lt was fine, though you shouldn't work for a suicide hotline.
- You did fine until Candice came. - Don't start. l just forgot to eat.
lt's natural. She left you what, a year ago?
Thank God Candy left when she did, or l'd never have finished the book.
You're a guy who can't have sex and chew gum at the same time.
When l'm with someone, l tend to get a little sidetracked.
- years? ls that sidetracked? - l bet she's still out there.
lf l know Candice, she's out there.
She's out there. Face her like a grown-up.
- Don't let me go home with her. - lt would be odd not to invite ...
Just don't let me go home with her.
Are you all right?
- lt was the stupid wine. Hello. - You look great.
l hope you don't mind me showing up like this on your big night.
lt's just that l've been thinking so much about you lately.
- Do you want to go get a drink? - l'd better not.
- A bite to eat? - No, l'm not hungry.
- Do you want me to take you home? - Okay.
- Good to see you, Henry. - But Greg ...
- Don't leave. Aren't you staying? - Well, we're done.
- l still have feelings for you. - But l dumped you for another man.
- And l'm still sort of with Paul. - l thought that was over.
He cheated. l wanted to feel better about myself before l see him.
- That's why you're here? - Well, yeah.
You were always a nice guy. But let's face it, -
- we've nothing in common except sex, and the fact you idolize me.
l really do care for you.
- l just can't wind up with you. - Can l call you sometime?
- Are you going? - No, l cancelled.
What do you want to do for dinner? Make that pasta with artichokes.
Later we can figure out what to do with your hair for Claire's wedding.
What is this?
Look at that.
y:i The mating ritual y:i is both speedy and violent.
y:i The lesser male often covers y:i the larger female.
y:i lf unsuccessful in mounting, the y:i male is often eaten by the female.
y:i We're the girls of - Hot Talk.
y:i Briana, Tina, Marla y:i and me: Felicia.
y:i Anything you want to talk about, y:i call me ...
- l don't know where to begin. y:i - Are you lonely tonight, darling?
y:i - So am l. What are you wearing? - Nothing special.
- Can l ask you a question? y:i - l'm just wearing a towel.
l was drying myself off, after a hot shower ...
y:i Why do women leave?
Why do they leave? Especially pretty ones. l can't do it any more.
Life is very complex. There are no guarantees.
The mathematical world is completely rational.
You think too much. Don't you want to know how big my tits are?
No! l just want to share my life with someone.
y:i Someone y:i l'm not sexually attracted to.
How can two people come together in lasting respect and affection?
- The world's run by sex ads. - Take out your own ad, l guess.
Look at me. l'm a grown woman wearing a prom dress.
l look like an over-the-hill Barbie doll. And it's too tight.
- l want something in my colour. - Maids of honour don't wear black.
- Why aren't you wearing make-up? - l am wearing make-up.
- You'd look good with a perm. - Like Shirley Temple on crack.
Where is she? She can't stand that l'm getting all the attention.
- We should've had her committed. - For excessive vanity?
How wonderful! Two compassionate daughters. No make-up today?
l am wearing make-up.
- What the hell are you wearing? - lt's an imitation Scassi.
- You're my mother, not the singer. - l'll go home and change.
Stop it. We're late. The priest is sweating.
All celibates sweat, dear. lf they didn't, they'd explode.
l bought a snack. lf l sit through this without eating, l'll pass out.
lt'll only take minutes.
Marrying outside your faith, and on the sabbath ...
All l know about the sabbath is that Bergdorff's isn't too crowded.
l want you to remember, today is my day.
Behave, or l'll blow up your birth certificate into a Christmas card.
l should have never encouraged you to speak.
Maybe she'll look back and turn into a pillar of salt.
Alex looks nervous.
- l hope l'm doing the right thing. - l think you are.
The party is about to get started. The dance floor is all yours!
Okay girls, lick your lips.
Tell Claire l'm looking for her.
Your husband's a lucky guy.
- Waiter! Can we have more dressing? - We were separated at birth.
- Two more drinks, when you can. - This looks delicious.
- l can't believe he's married. - And that he chose Claire over you.
- l told you not to introduce them. - She was married, l didn't think.
- How are you handling all this? - No more fantasies of handsome men.
- There's a guy out there somewhere. - Who? Barry Neufeldt?
What's wrong with him, other than that he looks like Gumpy?
Gumby, not Gumpy.
- l'm no great prize, either. - You're a great person and teacher.
l think l've reached the point where you know you'll never get married.
Married? What's marriage? A ring, a contract. Fighting, compromising.
lt can be more than that. You know what l envy about people in love?
l'd love it if someone really knew me.
What l like. What l'm afraid of. What kind of toothpaste l use.
l think that would really be wonderful.
Hey, sister-in-law, having a good time?
- Have you seen Claire? - No, l'll find her for you.
You look beautiful tonight. l'm not just saying that. You really
l heard you.
Why don't you have some coffee? l'll find Claire.
- Alex is looking for you. - Brother, it's starting already?
How could you do this? l'll never forgive you.
- Yes ..! - l'm Professor Gregory Larkin.
l'm calling about the response to my ad. ls this Professor Morgan?
- l'm her sister. She knows nothing. - Then maybe we shouldn't talk.
No! Rose would never answer herself. Most of these guys are creeps.
But when it said you taught at Columbia, something just clicked.
- You have seen her picture, right? - Yes.
- And ..? - And what?
Make way, please.
This is the scene at my sister's wedding.
She's getting drunk, regretting that she got married for the third time.
My mom's sprouting snakes from her hair in jealousy. lt was perfect ...
We've got three feminine archetypes: The divine whore, Medusa -
- and me. What archetype am l?
- The Virgin Mary? - Thanks a lot, Trevor.
No, the faithful handmaiden. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
lt proves what Jung said all along.
Myths and archetypes are alive and well and living in my apartment.
As l stood beside the altar beside my sister and her husband to be, -
- it struck me that this ritual, a wedding ceremony, -
- is the last scene of a fairy tale. They never say what happens after.
That Cinderella drove the prince mad by obsessively cleaning the castle.
They don't say what happens after because there is no after.
The be-all and end-all of romantic love was ... Mike?
- Sex? - You have sex on the brain.
- Marriage. - But it wasn't always like that.
The th century had ''courtly love'', which had nothing to do with sex.
The relationship between a knight and a married lady of the court ...
And so they could never consummate their love.
They rose above ''going to the toilet in front of each other'' love, -
- and went after something more divine.
They took sex out of the equation, leaving them with a union of souls.
Think of this. Sex was always the fatal love potion.
Look at the literature of the time.
All consummation could lead to was madness, despair or death.
Experts, scholars and my Aunt Esther are united in one belief:
True love has spiritual dimensions, while romantic love is a lie.
A myth. A soulless manipulation. And speaking of manipulation ...
lt's like going to the movies and seeing the lovers kiss ...
The music swells, and we buy it, right?
So when my date kisses me, and l don't hear strings, l dump him.
The question is, why do we buy it?
Because, myth or manipulation, we all want to fall in love.
That experience makes us feel completely alive.
Our everyday reality is shattered, and we are flung into the heavens.
lt may only last a moment, an hour, but that doesn't diminish its value.
We're left with memories we treasure for the rest of our lives.
l read, ''When we fall in love, we hear Puccini in our heads.''
l love that. His music expresses our need for passion and romantic love.
We listen to La Bˇheme or Turandot, or read Wuthering Heights, -
- or watch Casablanca, and a little of that love lives in us too.
So the final question is: Why do people want to fall in love -
- when it can have such a short run and be so painful?
- Propagation of the species? - We need to connect with somebody.
- Are we culturally preconditioned? - Good, but too intellectual for me.
l think it's because, as some of you may already know ...
While it does last, it feels fucking great.
l'm almost finished, and you haven't started yet.
The perfect bite.
You need a therapist.
Do we have to have the TV on? Can't we have a conversation?
l'm not intellectually stimulating, like your university people ...
l'm sorry. How was your day, Mother?
- Who gives a shit? - l said l was sorry. Let's talk.
l've lived too long. l should be dead.
Give me that! Talk to me already!
All right. You haven't even noticed l had my hair done differently.
l thought you looked different. lt looks great.
- What's different about it? - The ...
Nothing. You're just like your father. So easy to trip up.
- So, how was work? - Same as always.
Though l had one customer in for a make-over. She needed one.
Dyed blonde hair. Blue eyeshadow. Ash-brown foundation. Hideous.
- She was shocked over my age. - How old were you?
l ran into Mr. Jenkins again. He cornered me in the elevator.
He invited me to an Alzheimer's benefit. l said forget it.
l can't believe he still asks you. Why don't you go with him sometime?
No ... l raised two daughters. l buried a husband. That's my life.
l don't want to start another. And he knows my situation with you.
You won't see him because of me?
How would it look? The mother's dating and the daughter stays home?
Hello ... Hi.
Hello, this is ...
Hello, l'm Gregory Larkin.
Professor Gregory Larkin.
Answer the phone. l'm sleeping.
ls Professor Larkin there? l mean, is Professor Morgan there?
- Barely. Who's this? - Gregory Larkin.
y:i l'm a professor y:i in the math department at Columbia.
y:i l was just calling to see ...
- How are you tonight? - l'm fine. How are you?
y:i l hope it wasn't presumptuous y:i of me, but l went to your class -
y:i - and was very impressed. l hoped y:i we could eat dinner Saturday.
- Louder! - l sat in on your class.
- Hold on. Don't go away. - l was impressed by your teaching.
y:i l was hoping y:i we could have dinner Saturday.
l can do this!
y:i Can you hear me?
- Okay ... You want to eat dinner. - l sat in on your class.
- Who's on the phone? - Quiet! No, not you.
Gregory Larkin. Math department. Columbia.
- l saw you pass by. - l was just passing by ...
- l'm sorry about calling ... - l was so confused.
- Are we on for Saturday night? - Sure.
- l'm looking forward to it. y:i - Moi aussi.
He must be good-looking, for you to go to all this trouble.
- l hate lipstick. - Did you try the samples l brought?
- l'm not going. - Oh, what do you want for dinner?
l don't care. l'm upset. Can't you see that?
- You always cancel your dates. - This is not a date.
Then why does it matter how you look with this one?
Stop calling him ''this one''. And nothing's going to happen.
You need more colour. Let me do it.
- Don't make me look like a clown. - You won't look like a clown.
- Where's the hairpiece? - Shall l make you something to eat?
Make him wait. He mustn't think he's the only date you've had in years.
Where's the bow?
Hey, your mother did you up again. Looks great! Can l get you a cab?
Are you sure? You're going to take me?
Here's where l'm going, but don't go until l put up the window.
- They're broke, lady. - My hair!
Don't complain to me. Complain to the cab company.
- l'm sorry. - For what? You're exactly on time.
My hair. l must look like l was attacked by wolves.
l didn't even notice.
Could you excuse me while l go to the ladies' room for a minute?
Do you enjoy dancing?
l used to love to dance with my father. You?
l find it embarrassing. l enjoy watching it.
- Watching? - Pairs ...
lt's interesting how coupling appears in nature and mathematics.
- You were talking about pairs ... - Oh, the twin-prime conjecture.
lt explores pairs of prime numbers. Those only divisible by themselves.
Three-five. Five-seven. Not seven-nine ...
- Nine can be divided by three. - That's right.
- and - and so on.
lt was discovered that pairs were often separated by ...
- One number in between. - Exactly. Did you read my book?
- No, l'm sorry. - That's okay. This is marvellous.
- A first date like a game show. - l didn't mean to lecture.
l'm sorry, l didn't mean to call it a date.
lt's just rare that l meet a person l can discuss these things with.
- Some pepper? - No, not for me.
Could you bring me a side dish of extra dressing?
l don't particularly like salad, l just like the dressing.
lnteresting theory. Are there still pairs like that past a million?
l can't believe you thought of that. That is what is to be proven.
l have concert tickets next Saturday. Can we do this again?
- Sure. - Great. Terrific.
What was it you wanted to discuss about my teaching?
l have to confess. That was just an excuse to meet you.
l hope you don't mind.
l found it interesting. l have many questions, the first of which is:
How do you get them to stay?
- Nothing. - What happened to your hair?
- You won't be seeing him again? - We're going out next week.
So, he must like you.
Did he kiss you?
That's kind of sweet, actually.
Hi. This is Cindy.
This is a spectrum analyzer.
lt makes graphic representations of the music. Watch.
- Who's the girl? - Rose Morgan.
Henry Fine is a professor in anthropology.
Beautiful music, isn't it? Beautiful atmosphere.
l enjoyed that. Thank you so much for inviting me.
Why don't you come up? l'd like to give you a copy of my book.
l'd love that. Your book, l mean. Not to come up to your apartment.
But Rose, l'm inviting you.
lf you like this kind of music, l have some wonderful CD's, but ...
... they're also in my apartment.
l have to be honest with you. l'm a bit out of practice with this.
l want you to feel comfortable. That's important to me.
l want to tell you upfront. l'm not interested in sex.
- You're not? - And it has nothing to do with you.
lt has to do with what you were talking about in your class.
l, too, believe it's illusions about love and the emphasis on sex -
- that separate people today. As you said, romance is a myth.
l was referring to academic opinions that are purely subjective.
You were right! Relationships based on romantic love are worthless.
Did you stay for my whole class?
l left when you mentioned the music we hear when lovers kiss in films.
lt is manipulative! ln real life, we don't hear music when we kiss.
And the person you're with isn't a movie star. lt's a malicious ...
Fantasy? ls it all right if l sit down for a minute?
The addiction to beauty and perfection created by advertising -
- feeds on people's pathetic hopes. They don't have their own opinions.
The media tells us what's beautiful.
TV shows tell us what a relationship is supposed to be like. And sex!
l don't even want to tell you how that's ruined my life ...
Well, l go crazy.
When l want someone sexually, l go out of my mind.
Do you remember that film where the woman kills the bunny?
- ''Fatal Attraction''? - Granted, it was a film.
But l understand how she felt. Not that l would kill an animal, -
- but l know the feeling of wanting someone so much that it hurts.
This fiction, known as love, drives people crazy, as you said.
- Then you're either mad, alone ... - Or dead. But that was fiction.
Right! We're dead!
l do believe two people can come together, even marry, -
- for reasons more concrete than sex.
A love that grows out of respect, love, trust, common interest.
Have you noticed that friendships last longer than marriages?
The th century was on to something. Would you like coffee?
- Got any scotch? - Yeah.
Are you busy this week? l was hoping you could help me with my teaching.
You give yourself too little credit.
Maybe you could sit in on one of my classes.
lf X squared plus Y squared equals -
- how do we find DY/DX as an implicit function of X and Y?
Well, Y is a function of X ...
You walk across the room like this, and you're into your own thing.
Your body language is very detached, very alienating.
l think you have to relate more to the kids.
You're up there with your back to the room, solving your own problems.
lt's like you're having a math party, and only invited yourself.
- Relax. Loosen up. Have some fun. - Relax. Have fun ... What else?
Loosen up. Put the pen down, l'm not going to test you on this.
Come on. Teach me something.
lf a ball is thrown up into the air, and its height, H, equals T ...
What are you doing? Turn around. Talk to me.
lf T is time in seconds, at what limit is the speed ...
You lost me. You have to put it in context.
- Jazz it up, put some humour in it. - Humour in calculus?
- Well, try telling a story. - A story?
Once upon a time ...
... there was a ball.
lt was thrown into the air.
And its height ... Maybe l should just write books.
No one understands those, either. Just kidding.
- Don't give up. Try it again. - Tell you another story?
Hi, Professor Larkin ... Sorry.
That's all right.
- Do we have an appointment? - Actually, l wanted to make one.
Could you come back tomorrow? After class?
- My head is swimming. lt's hot. - Put your head between your legs.
With all that make-up? You don't wear any, do you?
l'd still look like me, only in colour.
You're too smart for that. You're a confident, no-nonsense woman.
- l sound like an airline. - l'm probably saying it wrong.
lt's just that you don't need any of that.
Thanks. How's your head?
- l think food will help you. - Pizza, maybe?
Where can we go? Dancing? Why did l say that?
There's that great dessert place. All delicious things are fattening.
My mother would kill me. What is that, Danish?
This is the one.
Trees are fascinating. They don't have to touch to propagate.
You would find that fascinating ...
- How many do l need? - One, two, three, four ...
Why didn't l see that?
- Thank you. l owe you one. - lt's right in front of your eyes.
Six and a five. l got you.
The pretzel! You can have mine. You sounded excited on the phone.
l'm going to take my theory of love as a man-made cultural creation -
- and expand it to include the biological effect on the individual.
You need a hobby.
l can't believe you've dated for three months and haven't kissed!
l can't believe you've dated for three months and haven't kissed!
- How do you say hello? - Well, we nod. lt works.
- You mean you haven't even touched? - l fell once, and he picked me up.
We talk a lot. That's what we do.
And l don't worry about what l say, what l wear, what l eat ...
lt's a relief to eat with a man, and not worry that he'll be frightened.
He's fun to be with. Maybe ''fun'' isn't the word. He's interesting.
How many men can you say that about? ls a tie too personal a gift?
Are you using it on something other than his neck?
Does he look good in vests? Why do you want him to meet your mother?
l kept saying l was a great cook, so l offered him a birthday dinner.
Now l need something nice. After meeting her, l won't see him again.
- l'm starving. Can we eat? - l can't, l have a date.
- Find a gift for Dr. Strangelove. - Who? We should get you some blush.
- l'm hungry, Claire. - Fruit.
Why are you so grumpy?
lf he wasn't gorgeous, rich and straight, l wouldn't have bothered.
l'm sick to death of the man l am bound to for eternity.
Why are you saying that?
No matter where l go, what l do, there he is.
ln the kitchen, on the phone, on my finger.
l was asleep the other night. When l wake up, he's staring at me.
- l think that's sweet. - l think it's strange.
Do you know how weird that makes me feel?
A lesbian dream, and he's staring at me like l should include him.
l can't even fantasize in private.
Mom said you've been seeing someone steady. ls he cute?
- What? - What are you doing here?
l thought l'd meet you for coffee. ls that a terrible thing to do?
Excuse me. l'm going to the ladies' room. Alone.
Can you believe this weather? lt's almost April and it's still cold.
l'm glad l have you alone. Can l ask you a question?
lt'll sound strange, but ...
ls Claire happy? l mean, do you think she's happy?
Yes, l think she is. Why?
l'm being silly. l'm a first-time husband.
lf she doesn't wake up and tell me she's ecstatic, l worry.
lmagine, l have you to thank for the fact that we're married.
You made this possible. Knowing you has changed my life.
- Don't do that. - What? What am l doing?
You don't even know, do you?
- Just tell Claire l had to run. - Rose, l'm sorry.
l really thought l was over him. l hate this. lt's so stupid.
l must sound so pathetic.
He asked if Claire was happy, and l lied.
- lsn't that awful? - Nothing criminal.
- Thanks for coming so quickly. - Are you feeling better now?
- You know, Rose, it takes time. - Yeah, l know.
l want you to know our friendship really means a lot to me.
l feel the same way, which is why tonight ...
l better go home, l have to get dinner ready. l'll see you at eight.
Shall l bring anything for your mother?
Yeah, a wooden stake and a crucifix.
Rose loves to fold napkins. lt's one of her idiosyncracies.
l came home late and threw this on. God knows how l look.
- l hope you like it. - My God, Rose, it's art!
lt's not art.
An artist isn't only one who paints. lt's one who sets the table, -
- prepares a meal, or teaches in a certain way. You're an artist.
Why didn't you use the Limoges?
May l serve you?
- Rose! - My hands are clean.
We go to all this trouble, and Rose and l don't eat very much.
l've always thought she had a very healthy appetite.
l can't stand women who eat two bites and say they're full.
Do you really need extra salt? You know how it retains water.
- Can l have some? And potatoes. - You don't need them.
Have you ever sat in on one of your daughter's lectures?
- Rose! - That's the best part.
Rose tells me you've never been married.
That's all right, Rose.
That's true, Mrs. Morgan. l guess l haven't found the right girl.
l've had relationships that haven't worked out, but that will change.
As l told Rose, l have a theory about love ...
- And sex. - Does anybody want coffee?
- What theory? - Regular or decaf?
- Regular. - l can make cappuccinos.
Would you like cappuccinos? Greg, why don't you help me.
- Why don't you put the coffee on? - l made dinner. You put it on.
l've raised two daughters, buried a husband, l've made my coffee.
Alone at last.
- l've heard a lot about you. - And l've heard a lot about you.
You've been seeing a lot of my daughter.
l hope you don't mind my asking ... What are your intentions?
What a lovely meal! You're a good cook.
- l didn't oversell myself? - Not at all, but the trouble ...
Of course l had to go to the trouble. lt was your birthday.
What are friends for, but to give each other presents and stuff ...
Open it up! l really hope you like it.
- Dice? - They once were dice.
- Now they're cuff links with ... - Prime numbers!
- They're great! How'd you do that? - l had them made just for you.
- They were done very fast. - Thank you.
l've wanted to ask you something, and l can only say this once ...
We have a lot in common. Some variables will remain unknown, -
- as is the case with most complex equations ...
- Greg, talk to me. - l'm not saying this right.
This feeling you have for Alex ... lt won't be the same with me.
You won't have that ache in your stomach, because we're not in love.
l think we share a genuine affection for each other.
We share a passion for knowledge rather than a physical passion.
Although, if sex is something that interests you, -
- l'm sure l could provide that on occasion, given enough warning.
- What are you saying? - We were in love and miserable.
lt's a waste, because as people, we're valuable.
When l look at you, l see a woman unlike any other l've known before.
Your mind, your humour, your passion for ideas. l'm very fond of you.
When l'm with you, l feel as if ...
... as if l'm home.
So l think we should get married.
People marry for sex or beauty. Are my reasons more insane than those?
Are you in shock, or just appalled? Blink if you can hear me.
Why are you laughing?
l'm sorry. This sounds silly, but l was just thinking ...
How could l marry someone that l've never even ...
You know ...
There's one thing l have to say. l promised your sister l wouldn't.
You love Claire, too? You just slept with her?
- You want to? - l don't even know her.
lt's about how l found you. l wrote this ad ...
l think that's kind of great.
- l thought you'd be upset. - Why? You picked me.
Actually, l found you through this charming woman on TV ...
Well, well, well ...
Gregory just proposed to me.
Do you need a valium?
l know you don't respect my opinion, but l don't trust him.
- l mean, where's the attraction? - He's not attracted to me.
He doesn't want sex. He wants to be companions.
What sane person would agree to that kind of marriage? lt's not natural.
Are Claire and Alex natural? He wants me, Mother!
He wants you to cook and clean!
- He found you through an ad. - l already know, Mom. Sorry.
lt's not your average proposal, but let's face it, -
- they're not standing in line for me. And we like each other!
Then say yes! l can live alone.
lf you think such a marriage is normal, then go ahead.
Why do you do that? Why do you make it sound so pathetic?
You had a life. A husband who adored you. Can't l have some of that?
l'm getting older, too. Why can't you be happy for me?
But you can't, can you?
You're scared to death of being alone. And you're jealous.
Jealous because a man wants me. A good-looking man. How ridiculous!
Well, you know something, Mom? A man does.
Today, Gregory Larkin and Rose Morgan have exchanged rings -
- and agreed to recognise each other as equals.
They shall seek a life of kindness and understanding.
The ceremony of marriage is a means of establishing a home.
And as you have exchanged vows before witnesses, -
- by the authority vested in me, l pronounce you husband and wife.
- Congratulations! She's a great ... - Yes. l've heard so much about you.
- Likewise, about you. - We all ought to ...
Had l known you were this handsome, l'd have answered the ad myself.
Congratulations. She's the best. lf l were a man, l'd be all over her.
Congratulations. l'm sure you'll both be very fascinating to watch.
Rose, isn't it amazing how many books you accumulate over the years?
- l know what you mean. - l can't believe it. And the dust!
- This place needs a good cleaning. - We'll take care of that.
l made room for your books. Need any help?
Everything's put in its place.
- What would you like to do? - Go to bed.
To sleep ... ln order to sleep. You go to the bed for sleeping.
- Do you want to do something else? - What?
- l wasn't going to say anything. - Do you want the bathroom first?
- No, l can wait. - No, you go. Please.
- Tired? - Not really.
Me neither. These are nice.
- You want to watch some TV? - Sure. l have some old movies.
''lt Happened One Night'', ''Lawrence of Arabia'', ''Now, Voyager''?
How about ''Lawrence of Arabia''? lt's nice and long.
Okay. ''Lawrence of Arabia'' it is.
Just stick it in.
- ls it over? - Yeah. Go to sleep.
Are you just looking or buying?
- l'm not sure yet. - So, it it seems to be going well.
- Have you ..? - No, and it's made no difference.
- l give you both a lot of credit. - Credit for what?
l was just telling Henry how sex isn't an issue for us.
lt's much less complicated this way, not to mention sanitary.
lt feels so good to be writing again. l have so many ideas!
lt's coming so easily. l have outlines for three chapters.
What a terrific idea to come here. l've never written in the park.
Another one of these ...
ls that Barry? l think it is.
- Hi. lt's Rose. - How are you? This is Gloria.
- This is my husband, Gregory. - Hi. This is Gloria.
- You got married. Congratulations. - Thank you. You look good, Barry.
- Being engaged agrees with me. - Congratulations!
- Finally, one who doesn't cancel. - Excuse me. Nice to meet you.
- l'm really happy for you both. - Thank you, Rose. And take care.
- Everything okay? - Yeah, everything's okay.
Jeans and a T-shirt is a good look for you. Wear it to class sometime.
- l'd love to get the scores. - l'll read the paper.
Oh, l didn't tell you ...
A few European universities have invited me to lecture on my book.
l told them, of course, that l wanted to check with you first.
- Sounds great. For how long? - Three months.
- All right, guys, let's get going. - How can baseball fascinate people?
You wind up at the same place you started.
This should interest you, because it's about stats and averages.
When a player comes up, they flash a three-digit number, his average.
How many times he hits the ball, in ratio to the number of attempts.
Anybody see the game yesterday? Marrakesh, what a bum, huh?
Let me try putting this another way.
lf a batter hits a ball, how can we determine how far it will go?
What variables add up to a home run, assuming the bum could hit one?
- The velocity of the ball? - l have a question.
Does a rising fastball really rise?
l don't know. l'll have to ask my wife.
l could not believe it. Suddenly the room was filled with energy.
We were exchanging ideas. We were connected somehow.
They participated, they questioned, they stayed!
l cannot thank you enough. l was a better teacher because of you.
- Fresh pepper? - Not for her, but l'll have some.
Could you bring her a side dish of dressing? She likes a little extra.
l feel l should return the favour. ls there anything l can do for you?
l'll have to think about that.
Just glop it on.
Enjoy your dinner.
- You're not eating. - No, l'm watching your ritual.
l just about got your sequence now.
You start by rotating the plate counterclockwise ...
...cut on the diagonal ... remove unwanted elements ...
And now comes my favourite part: The loading of the fork.
lt's fascinating, the percentages you use of different vegetables, -
- to create that one harmoniously-balanced, perfect bite.
You have a little ...
Don't smear it.
That might stain. You might want to put a little soap on that.
l'll be right back.
y:i l want to ask you something.
- Don't stop. - l'm not a machine.
y:i We both have overwhelming feelings y:i for each other, don't we?
- You're doing great. Keep it up. - Okay. Ready?
- Doesn't that music infuriate you? - Yeah, l'm livid.
l came by your office today for lunch, but you weren't there.
- Were you at a staff meeting? - l had lunch with Henry.
Rose, he's a friend of mine, but you have to watch out for him.
- Believe me, l'm not his type. - He can't always control himself.
- Did you pull something? - l think so. Right here.
A little lower.
Lower. Closer to the spine. There.
l thought you might like to meet me in Europe after your classes end.
- We never had a honeymoon. - That's right. l'd love that.
- Am l pressing too hard? - No, but l'm all sweaty.
And l have to floss.
When you've got to floss, you've got to floss.
l don't know how to ask for it.
We're so polite, l feel like we're room-mates in a charm school.
- l'm putting you on the speaker. - l'm so frustrated, Claire.
y:i - Give him an "l want sex" look. - He'll think something's in my eye.
- You have to generate heat. - Sometimes, l swear he feels it.
y:i Men aren't that bright. lt's easy. y:i Be subtle, mysterious, seductive.
Subtle, mysterious, seductive? Why don't men come with instructions?
- More coffee? - Thanks. My tickets just arrived.
My first lecture is in Paris, on the th. l leave Saturday.
- Do you want an English muffin? - No, thanks.
- l'm off. l have an early class. - All right. Have a nice day.
Oh ... would saying now that l want sex tonight be enough of a warning?
Or should we wait till you come back from Europe? Yeah, that's better.
No, no ... That's fine.
All right. l guess l'll see you tonight.
Have a nice day.
- Have you ever tried making love? - lt's never been about sex.
l don't understand. Things were going so well. Sex now will ruin it.
You're a very sick man.
- l have the game on for you. - Oh, great.
- Some wine? - l'll wake up with a headache.
- One glass. - All right, one glass.
This is good. Sweet. l normally don't like sweet.
l'm glad you like it. Do you ...
Would you mind terribly if we muted the TV?
- What are you doing? - Nothing ... much.
Would it be all right if l sat down?
- The wine made me warm. - l can fix that.
- Good game? - l can't hear.
That's all right.
- Did l hurt you? - No, you didn't spill a drop.
- l guess ... - That's funny? l guess it's funny.
Do you think we could turn the TV off?
- We have to relax. - l agree.
- How are classes? - Going well.
- And your book? - The outline is actually ...
lt's ... lt's coming along. lt's almost there.
lt's not at all what l expected. lt's harder than l thought.
But l'll ...
l'm sure that ... l'll get there.
l want you to get there.
What did you say?
- Rose ... - Talk to me.
Oh, yes ... Oh, no ...
Oh, God. Oh, Rose.
- No, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes.
l don't want to do this! l'm sorry, Rose.
l have to say, Rose, that l'm a little confused. A bit disappointed.
lt was going so well. At least, l thought so. Didn't you?
ls that the truth, or some kind of manipulation? Tell me the truth.
You knew the agreement, how l felt. Did you think it would change?
l hoped, though l made the offer, you'd see there was no need for it.
l'd hoped that we'd got beyond it.
Did you think this was the next step?
What we have usually comes after all this nonsense is over.
Most never get to where we are. They try to keep the sex going, -
- or find another. Our relationship works because it isn't physical.
l took every precaution to make sure there was no physical attraction!
Rose, l'm sorry.
l've never had this with a woman. l can share everything with you.
Are you not satisfied with me?
Maybe this is something we have to struggle through together.
Maybe this tour is coming at a good time. Maybe we can use the distance.
Don't you think? l thought we were good friends.
Talk to me, Rose. Let me in. l'm sorry.
Open the door.
Open the door, please. Come on, Rose.
What are you doing here?
l just came to sleep in my own bed. ls that okay?
What happened? ls it Gregory?
l don't want to say l told you so, but ...
- Mom. - What?
When l was a baby, did you think l was pretty?
All babies are pretty.
No, l mean me.
You must have thought something about how l looked.
Oh, what's pretty, anyway? What good did it do your sister?
Do you remember when l was a little girl?
You told me to push up my nose with my index finger.
- So it wouldn't droop. - l did not! Are you drunk?
That's what you told me. lt's funny, l never would have thought -
- that l wasn't pretty, if it weren't for those things you said.
lf you came to say more cruel things to me, l'm going to bed.
- Mom ... - What?
- How did it feel? - What?
Being beautiful? No, l mean it.
How did it feel having people look at you with such admiration?
Looking at yourself in the mirror with such appreciation?
How did that feel?
lt was wonderful.
- This is Gregory. ls Rose there? y:i - She's out. Can l take a message?
No. l've been giving you messages, and she hasn't called back.
- l want to say goodbye to my wife. - l'll tell her.
y:i l wanted to say goodbye to you y:i myself, not through your mother.
y:i l don't like leaving this way, y:i but my plane is here.
y:i l hope your mother y:i doesn't erase this message.
y:i l don't know what else to say.
y:i l wanted to say goodbye to you y:i myself, not through your mother.
- You're up early. - l haven't been to bed.
- You haven't been to bed? - No.
l had a lot to think about, after you left.
lt's awful to leave a woman my age alone with her thoughts.
You really love him, don't you?
You do, it's obvious.
That feeling ...
... you have for Gregory ...
l don't think l ever felt that. Not even for your father.
lt's not easy for me to say. Especially to you.
lt's awful to look back on your life -
- and realise that you've settled.
The problem was that l always felt l had more time.
l was ... Now, inside, l feel young.
Like it's the beginning. Like l have everything ahead of me.
But l don't.
So l guess l am jealous.
Parents don't have a plan to hurt their children.
- l never wanted to hurt you. - l'm not that hurt.
Do you know what l thought when you were a baby?
That you looked just like your dad, and that Claire looked like me.
She was so pretty, even then. Look at those eyes. Those lips.
That's not Claire, that's you.
Me? l never saw this picture.
- l found it when l was cleaning up. - This was me?
l was pretty?
Your father adored you. But you know that.
He never felt that way about Claire. Only you.
l don't think he ever held a baby until you came.
He never wanted to let you go.
- l'm glad you found this. - So am l.
She was very pretty.
You were very pretty. Remember that.
Thank you for your warm welcome. lt's an honour for me to be here.
Rose, l'd love to speak with you. l never seem to catch you at home.
We should discuss this, Rose. l have no judgement over what happened.
l'm leaving for Venice tomorrow and wanted to say happy birthday.
l have a present for you. lt's a week at a baseball camp.
Rose, are you there?
- Henry, have you heard from her? - She cancelled her summer classes.
- How do you know that? - l called her mother.
- Rose, try this one. lt's an eight. - l like the black one, in a six.
Rose, l can't believe how childishly you're behaving. lt's unlike you.
- How did she finally persuade you? - lt's a long story.
l'm changing my plans. l'll be in New York on Monday.
My number here is: - - - .
All prime numbers, by the way.
Rose? Are you there?
- Rose? - l'll be right out.
May l have a glass, too?
Good to see you, Greg. How was your trip?
Are you all right?
- Travelling doesn't agree with me. - You need a glass of water?
- What happened to you? - l just made a few changes.
- What did you do to your hair? - l lightened it.
- And you're wearing make-up. - Women do that from time to time.
lt's not like l had surgery, although my mother offered.
- Are you hungry? - You never wore make-up.
l know. The no-frills girl. Like l said, l made some changes.
And you lost weight.
These have no oil or butter. You just have to get used to it.
- What have you done? - l put on make-up and lost weight.
You don't return my calls, you completely cut me off, then this ...
l'm ... speechless.
- l guess you don't like it. - Don't like it? l'm in shock.
l come home to find a completely different woman. Why did you do it?
Why do l have to explain this?
l'm your husband. And l married a woman who looked a certain way.
- l feel sort of betrayed. - Oh, please!
You had no right. Why did you do this to me?
Do what to you? What does it matter how l look? You never look at me.
lf appearance doesn't matter, what's wrong with this appearance?
Sorry if it upsets your mathematical equation.
''Handsome, frightened man marries unattractive, desperate woman.''
l was simply expecting someone else. l'll just have to get used to it.
- You don't have to get used to it. - What do you mean?
l don't want to continue.
l don't understand.
l apologize. l settled for something that l didn't want.
l thought l could live with that. But l lied, to myself and to you.
To be honest, l think your theory about relationships is bullshit.
l believe in love, lust, sex and romance, not in a perfect equation.
l want mess and chaos. l want someone to go crazy for me.
l want passion and heat and sweat and madness! Valentines and cupids!
l want it all, and l want to thank you, -
- because you forced me to look at things l was too scared to look at.
lmagine, all this time l kept up this ridiculous fantasy -
- that you, like Alex, would fall in love with me. lt was wrong of me.
- But l think ... - l know. Just let me finish.
- l feel ... - Strongly about your beliefs. Fine.
l'm sorry l broke the agreement, but l fell in love with you.
But it's all right now, because l'm not in love with you any more.
Which now makes me perfect for this, but now l don't want this marriage.
Suddenly dinner doesn't seem like such a good idea.
l should go.
- Are you going to your mother's? - Just until l find my own place.
l hope at some point we can pick up where we left off, as friends.
Thanks. You're the first man who wanted to marry me, for any reason.
Can l call you tomorrow?
You all have copies of the syllabus? There will be four short papers.
Be prepared to also discuss these in class.
Some of my students from last term can tell you how important ...
Yes, l have breasts. They cannot, however, be the subject for a paper.
A double play!
l miss her, but l'm proud that l stood up for what l believe.
lt could have worked. Not with her, but it was an invaluable experience.
You're in bad shape, aren't you? May l make a suggestion?
Put all your valuable possessions in storage.
- Why? - So you won't break anything.
l just told you, l'm fine. l'm using all of this in my next book.
l miss him, Claire. But l don't think he's ready for me.
l still can't get used to seeing you like this. lt's sort of unnerving.
You're just like the rest of us now.
Now you'll spend an hour in front of the mirror, every morning and night.
Now you'll be scanning for who looks better than you and who doesn't.
As the years go by, the numbers change, -
- until you walk into a room and you're the last one any man notices.
Rose? My God! Rose!
- Hi, Alex. - l can't believe it's you.
- Alex, get a fucking grip. - You look incredible. Doesn't she?
Yes, we already covered that.
l thought you hated salad.
l can't eat a cheeseburger in the middle of the day any more.
- Doesn't it bloat you? - No.
l thought it went well with the spareribs l had for breakfast.
- What's the matter? - l'm sorry.
l always thought we'd be in the same boat. lt made it easier.
l'll tell you what.
l'll give you half my salad if you give me half your burger.
- We'll need some more dressing. - Definitely. Waiter!
y:i We all want to be attractive. y:i But remember:
y:i One of the first things y:i people notice is your smile.
y:i Your appearance is probably y:i important to you.
y:i We spend so much time, energy and y:i money in an effort to look good.
y:i We all want to be attractive.
y:i Hello, it's Alex.
y:i - How are you? - l'm trying to get on with my life.
- What's wrong with you? y:i - Claire's gone.
l came home to surprise her at lunch and found her with her masseur.
lt's my own fault. Claire hates surprises.
- Alex, l'm really sorry. - l don't know why she wasn't happy.
- l couldn't have loved her more. - lt wouldn't have mattered.
- Claire was jealous of you. - Jealous of me?
She got so mad every time l'd talk about you.
She thought l had a crush on you.
Maybe she was right.
Do you want to have dinner with me? l'm asking you to dinner.
l have to think about it. l'll have to ask Claire.
- D! You're improving! - l don't understand twin primes.
l'm explaining it!
An infinite set minus an infinite number leaves an infinite number.
We spent time on this! My wife understood it on our first date!
Get out of here! Go!
Very enjoyable dinner.
- Did you cook it yourself? - Yes, l did.
- What a liar. - Yes, l am.
l only smoke when l'm with you. l wonder why?
l can't thank you enough for the other day. For tonight.
You're such an inspiration. The way you've changed ...
... evolved, l guess, is a better word, -
- into this beautiful ... smart ...
... very sexy ...
l must have loved you all along. l just didn't know it.
What an idiot.
Hannah, this is ridiculous. She can't not talk to me forever.
y:i - What are you doing? - l have to explain things.
- lt's a little late for that. y:i - No, l don't think so.
What Rose and l have goes far beyond what normal people ...
y:i What's all that noise? What are you y:i trying to say? What is going on?
- Put her on the damn phone now! y:i - She's not here.
y:i l might as well tell you, y:i she's with Alex now.
She's with him now. You know how much she's always cared for him.
So l see no point in you pursuing this any further.
l'm sorry to keep you waiting. So, Mr. Jenkins, which do you like best?
To be perfectly honest, l think you're more beautiful now.
What did you mean by, you must have loved me but didn't know it?
- l'd like an answer. - You were different then.
- How could you have loved me then? - l loved you for who you were.
So now you want who l am because l'm not who l was any more?
l have dreamt about this moment from the first day we met.
l've played out what you'd say and what you'd think a million times.
- But you were better in my head. - Maybe l've had too much to drink.
lt's not you, it's me. l don't feel anything. lsn't that great?
l never thought about my feelings, only yours.
- l didn't think l was good enough. - Oh, but you are!
l know. But Alex, you're not good enough for me.
She's with Alex now, Henry.
l don't know if it's my head or my stomach.
l might have Chinese food poisoning. Maybe my Szechwan chicken was a cat.
l'm so dizzy.
l was all alone, and l didn't know what to do.
- l'm sorry, Henry. - You'll just stay here tonight.
Henry, l love Rose.
The old Rose. The one with no make-up who loves the perfect bite.
l love her. lt's real. lt's not based on passion, -
- although l feel that. Or lust, although l feel that.
Or even physical attraction. She ... Though l thought she was beautiful.
Her eyes, her mouth. The way she held herself, made fun of herself.
She eats carrots now. lsn't that tragic?
What am l going to do?
ln the last two years l've been with different women.
Most of them half my age. Not one with a sense of humour l understood.
l don't do it because they're smart. l gave one ''A Farewell to Arms'', -
- and she thought it was a diet book.
- Can l help you? - Yes, l want to see Miss Morgan.
lt's kind of late to visit. l don't think she'd want to be disturbed.
l believe ... l know her a lot better than you do.
Do you hear that?
What the hell is going on?
- lt's him, isn't it? - Gregory!
Oh, God! l can't believe this.
- What is he doing out there? - l'm going to find out.
- He's insane. - l know. lsn't it wonderful?
Get the hell out of here! People are trying to sleep.
You had enough?
- Stop! - l'll call the police.
- No, this is my husband. - He doesn't have a key?
l said l knew her better than you.
- What are you doing here? - l came to see you.
Why did you come to see me?
ln light of our last conversation, and after speaking with Henry ...
... although you might have serious reservations about considering ...
Gregory, l'm aging here. What is it you want to say?
God, you're beautiful.
Thank you. Thank you, Gregory.
l'm so sorry for the way l acted and the things l said.
l know that l hurt you. That was the last thing l ...
- l accept your apology. - Let me finish. This is important.
That night ... That terrible night ...
l wanted you so much, l couldn't see straight.
l have to make sure you know that. lt wasn't you.
You're a very sexy girl.
l know it's unfair of me to say so, now you're with Alex.
- Who said l was with Alex? - Your mother.
My mother? Oh, great.
- l'm not with Alex. - You're not?
- Well ... - Talk to me.
Rose ... l love you.
And l want to be married to you.
Gregory, you are married to me.
That's right. Yeah, right.
- l'm getting a little dizzy. - lt'll pass. Just hold on.
- Rose, don't ever leave me again. - l'm not leaving you. l love you.
l couldn't stand being away from you.
l don't care if you are pretty. l love you anyway.
Everything will drop as l get older, and l'm gaining weight as we speak.
- Get in, lady. - Oh no, not you again!
- Your windows are still broke? - Complain to the cab company.