Mobsters And Mormons Script - Dialogue Transcript

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Mobsters And Mormons Script





Hundred bucks a plate.



They cannot pour

a decent cup of coffee.



Your refined palate for coffee.



Coffee is coffee already.






Take a sip.

Doesn't it taste like garbage?



l don't know how garbage tastes.



lt tastes like cof...



Shut up.



But l have smelled garbage,

and l'll tell you what--



this here coffee--

it smells like coffee.



Let's do this thing, huh?



l'm hearing that someone

lifted jewelry from a heist



the other day.



You know about that?



l don't know...



Don't lie to me

like l'm Judge Judy!



Young people today

take no responsibility.



lt's the decline

of the two-parent household.



What are you talking about?



My old man left when l was ten.

l turned out fine.



This kid's just a punk.






Okay, okay.



l lifted a couple of necklaces,

but l still got 'em, l swear.



l got a buddy.

He's keeping 'em in the safe.



All right,

you're taking us there.



l don't want no more, uh,

little fandangos here.



Wrap up our package.



With what?



Do l care with what?

Rope, chain, whatever.



What, his cumberbund?



We don't got nothing.



You just told us about this.



But if you'd have told us...



l'll send you an e-mail next time!



We're in a commercial

establishment, right?



Find a utility closet.



They got rope, string.



l think he'd be perfect.

His name is Carlo.



The eyes, the hair.



-Where you been?

-What do you care?



Who is it this week?

lt's Connie Tadero's sister.



Can l ask you something?



l don't want to disturb...




How are you?



-Not bad.

-How you been?



Um, give us a minute.






Look at this.



l got a plate of gravy

and no macaroni.



My wife's idea.



Low-carb diet.



Oh, yeah.



l tell ya, l meet Dr. Atkins,

l'm gonna kill him.



So, how's that thing?



That thing is good.



We're taking care of it now.



Good, good, good.



Now listen, Beans, not for nuthin',

but you know l think you're aces.



You're one of my best earners.



Thanks, Angelo.



l always saw you as kind

of a father to me, you know?



That's why l want you

to hear it from me first.



l'm making Mickey Valecci

the new captain.



That's, uh...good.



Mickey's good people.



l knew l could count

on your support.



Yeah, well, you're like

a father to me.



l'll take care of that thing now.



Uh huh.



-Enjoy your meat.

-All right, Beans.



Hey, l found some duct tape.



l said to make sure

he doesn't go anywhere,



not wrap him like a Cuban cigar!



You said, ''Wrap.''



lt was a figure of speech!



Why is he in his underwear?



The tux has to be back;

he used his mom's credit card.



l'll drop it off on the way;

it's no big deal.



We kidnap him

and make stops along the way?






How you gonna get him out?



How can he walk

looking like a mummy?



He can hop.

Show the man your hop.



Go on. Hop up and down

or l'll stab you in the leg.



l mean it!



He can hop.



We got Carmine ''The Beans'' Pasquale

and his crew



with Jimmy Amoroso in the trunk.



l think we're the ones

that get a big gift.



Attention: Crappy Mart shoppers,

the store is closed.



Oh, what is this?



You, let's go.



l'm buying smokes.



Smokin'll kill you or l will.



Now beat it.



What's going on?



Where's the safe?



-You robbing me?

-No, that's already been done.



We're here to take back what's ours.



l want you guys to know l didn't

have nothin' to do with of this.









Aw, you broke my safe, dog!



Oh gees.



FBl! Freeze!



l'm not doin' nuthin'.



All right. Okay.



Look, Carmine, kidnapping,

accessory to a jewelry heist,



coupled out with your rap sheet,

you're looking at    years.






Unless you want to play ball.



l could do    years

standing on my head, boys.



As l'm sure you could.



You know, Carmine,

l've got to be honest,



lt's devastating.




lf Angelo Marcello is worried

you'll talk, he might hear



you're upset about getting

passed over for promotion.



You know how rumors fly.



Like rockets.



To the moon.



Do you take your show

on the road?



Go to schools?

Keep kids off drugs?



Because your little puppet show,

very entertaining.






Who do you think is pulling strings?



Clearly, Angelo Marcello

is pulling the strings.



And if he thinks

that you're talking,



you're going to be doing

a lot more time six feet under.



Unless, unless, and l'm just

thinking out loud here, but um...



unless you actually do talk,

then we can at least help you out.



Six accused members

of the Marcello crime family,



including mafia boss

Angelo Marcello,



were found guilty today

of twelve counts of extortion

and racketeering.



Prosecutors credited the victory



to testimony of longtime

Marcello crime family member,



Carmine ''The Beans'' Pasquale.



Pasquale is now believed

to have entered



the Federal Witness

Protection Program.



Let's go live...



...not being able to see

her great-grandson no more,



Grandma Florentino

is gonna be heartbroken.



Oh, please!



When she came from the old country,

the statue said,



''Give me your tired, your poor,

your huddled masses...''



Know why they huddled?



She was beatin' the crap out of

everybody with that wooden spoon.



You know what, Carmine?



The place may change,

but you'll always be a jerk.



Will you guys shut up?



Oh! You do not talk

to me like that.



You know what this is?

Rap music.



lt breeds disrespect like a fungus.



The names these guys have:

Slim Shady, Puff Daddy.



He goes by P-Diddy for short.



For short?




lt takes all day to say ''Puff''?

Oh! l'm exhausted.



Look who's talking about names.



They call you Carmine ''The Beans.''



Yes, because l grind

my own beans for coffee.



A nickname has to be married...






You're no longer known

as ''Carmine The Beans.''



You're George,

Linda, and Patrick Cheeseman.




What is that, French?



Who's Patrick? Who's George?

Because l ain't no ''George.''



l ain't no ''George,'' either.



l think Linda's a beautiful name.



l always wished my mother

had named me Linda.



Should've named you

''Chatty Kathy.''



l ain't no ''Patrick.''

They call you ''Pat'' for short.



''Pat'' is a girl's name,



and l ain't no name

that goes both ways.



Look, we have driver's licenses,

birth certificates, bankcards,



social security cards,

and supermarket rewards cards.



They're all made out to George,

Patrick, and Linda Cheeseman.



Well then, l'm going by ''Rick,''

because l ain't no ''Pat.''



So, Agent Banks, where we moving to?



Mr. and Mrs. Cheeseman,

l'm Special Agent Tuttle.



Welcome to Utah.



Okay, the arrangements

have been made for you



to stay in a hotel tonight,



then provide you with a vehicle.



How many wives you got?



You're not a Mormon?



l am. The Church hasn't

practiced polygamy for      years.



lt's the offshoot groups

that still have plural wives.



You'd have to shoot me.

Having one is bad enough.



lt'd be nice to have more than one.

Give me a break from you.



l'll grab your bags.



We're right out here.



Take a break.




-Go ahead.



Find me somebody else.



Preferably someone without

a mustache and a bad attitude.



This looks like

a whole lot of nothing.



Actually, it was a desert wasteland



when the Mormon Pioneers

arrived in July of       .



Under the leadership

of President Brigham Young,



the entire area...



You work for the Park Service

or the FBl?



Patrick, there's a lot to do...



lt's Rick!



There's a lot to do

just a day's drive from here.



We've got the Grand Canyon,



there's Hollywood, Disneyland...






My old man promised to take me

and you know what?



Took off and never came back.



l haven't had much desire

to visit there ever since.



l'm afraid it'll bring up

too much repressed anger.






So, take a Prozac

like a normal person.



So, what's the neighborhood

we're moving into like?



l received a page.

l have a family emergency.



We'd like

to excuse Bishop Harrison



who's had to attend to

a very important family matter.



Our concluding speaker will be

Brother Chris Moore.



Brother Moore.



-lt's okay.

-Hang on, Brother Moore.



Let me try and get this

a little higher for you.



Brothers and sisters,

l'm grateful for the opportunity



to stand before you this...



Hang on.



lt's moving, it's good.

lt's coming.



Thank you.



Sorry to hear

about Bishop Harrison's dad.



When are they leaving

for the funeral?



First thing in the morning.



They're worried about how his mom's

going to handle the farm alone.



He'll be gone  -  weeks

to sort things out.



With the bishop gone, does that mean

we won't have church?



No, sweetie,

with the bishop gone,



your daddy's first counselor

to the bishop and he'll be in charge.



He certainly had things

under control today, didn't he?



Thanks for the support there, Jewels.



Anytime, bro.



Exactly when are your parents

getting back from the Philippines?



Two years, ten months.



You got a countdown?



Technically she is my aunt,

but l despise her like a sister.



There's a ''SOLD'' sign

on the Cooper house.



When did that happen?



l don't know.



lt has been vacant for a while.



Be nice to have someone in there.



He had eight stitches.



Yes, l just got off

the phone with his wife.



With Bishop Harrison gone

for who knows how long,



the inmates are running

the asylum.



Michael James in charge?







Sister Johnson's on the phone.



Hold on, Robin.



Mary Jo, did you hear?

Eight stitches.



What? Are you sure?




Run to the Cooper's house and see

if there's a ''SOLD'' sign.






l wonder who's moving in.



This place is a shoebox!



lt's a great house, George.



We got a satellite, right?



Actually, we cover the house,

but amenities are extra.



The government pays three grand

for a military toilet seat,



but they can't pop for HBO?



l can't believe it.



Why not send us to the Amish?



Because they sent us

to the Mormons.



Yeah, same difference.



Honestly, no, it's not.



Right--because the Amish wear

black shirts and ride in buggies,



but the Mormons wear white shirts

and ride bikes.



Completely different.



Okay. Look, George...



l hate that name.



Mr. Cheeseman.






This right here is

your first month's stipend.



You'll get a few more

until you're on your feet.



What do l do for a ride?



You'll get that red minivan.



Are you kidding me?



-l think it's real cute.

-You would.



You drove an AMC Pacer when we met.



l loved it.



l was heartbroken when it got stolen.



You still think it got stole?



l paid Butch    bucks to drive it

into the river.



Why are you complaining?

l bought you a new lroc-Z.







l'm Chris Moore.



These clowns are stealing my stuff!



We're your neighbors.



We're just here to help.






Don't break nuthin'.



George, you've got to understand

people here are friendlier



than what you're normally used to.



Yeah, here two days, and no one

has flipped us the bird.



l don't want friendly.



l just want to be left alone.







l wanted to welcome you

to the neighborhood.



Thank you.

Please come in.






Um, l'm Louise Means.



l'm Linda Cheeseman.

This is my husband, George.



Nice to meet you, George.



These are for you.



Thank you. Have a seat.



Oh, thanks.



So, where did you move from?



Omaha, Nebraska.



You have a slight Eastern accent.



We're from the eastern side.



So, anything you want to know about

the neighborhood or the neighbors?



l got a question.



You're not going to come knocking

on my door  :   AM Saturday, are you?



Why would somebody do that?



Come on. l know you people.

lt's what you do.



You go door-to-door,

knock, knock, knock,



talking to people,

preaching your Mormon Bible.



Meanwhile, inside are staying down

trying not to make a noise,



so you think we're not home.



So, you're not members?



Members of what?



Louise hasn't wasted any time

burning up the phone lines



letting people know

they're not members of the Church.



l just hope

she hasn't offended them.



We'll do a little damage control.



We'll show them the rest of us

are just regular, normal people.



Um, we can see you've got a lot

of unpacking to do.



We didn't want to intrude.



We just wanted to come over and

introduce ourselves--say ''Hello.''



No, it's no intrusion;

it's very nice of yous.



Something to drink?



Oh no.



No, let us get you something.



Okay, great.

Thank you.



l'll get you a beer.



Uh, no.



That's okay.



You said okay.



All right.




How bout you, Toots?



Um, no, no,

l'm fine thanks.



What're you thinking?



She's not going to be drinking

while she's pregnant.



Why not? You did.



Actually, we don't drink at all...




-ls that a Mormon thing?

-Yes, we don't drink alcohol.



We got coffee.



Hey, that website l would get

my imported coffee from,



what was that called?



l don't know.



l'll Google it.



lt's okay, because we don't

drink coffee, either.



We'll, go to the kiddy menu.



l'll get you a Coke;

and you a Diet Coke.



You're not going to believe this.



Um, there's some members

of our church that um,



choose to drink cola drinks,



but Michael and l, we happen

to not drink cola drinks.



What do you do

for liquid refreshment?



What, is your mother

still nursing you?



Thank you so much.










Nice to meet yous.



Thanks, you too.




That was interesting.






Uh, hello, ma'am.

l'm Rick Cheeseman.



We just moved in down the street.



l'm Blanche Brinkerhoff.

Nice to meet you.



Blanche, Louise Means

is on the phone.



l'll call her back.



l was just walking around

meeting the neighbors and uh,



l was wondering,



do you know those people

with the satellite dish?



That's Bishop Harrison's.



l knocked, but nobody answered.



They're out of town.



Really? l see.



Hey, you wouldn't happen

to have a ladder



and some power tools, would ya?



l still have homework.



Which you wouldn't have



if you hadn't been on the phone.



lf l still lived in California,

l could see my friends



and not worry

about making time for phone calls.



And making time to get up earlier

to do your homework,



because now it's time for bed.



Good night.



l hate this place!



You know, we need

to make an effort and reach out.






l was thinking more along the lines

of a padded room with a big lock,



and the only contact is to slide food

through this tiny, little slot.






l'm talking about dealing

with your sister and her attitude.



l was talking about the Cheesemans

and their not being members.



What do you mean?



Well, l've just been thinking.



l know what it feels like

to be the minority.



My dad moves us down to the South,

and suddenly, l'm the only Mormon



in a high school filled with

born-again Christians.



l mean, l was voted

most likely to burn in hell.



l think dealing with your sister



comes in close second

to eternal damnation.



Didn't l get you Dr. Phil's book

on teenagers?



You said were going to open it.



''Ten Stupid Things Women Do

to Mess Up Their Lives.''



Seriously honey, l know

she's your sister, and l love her.



l do; but something has to be done.



Okay. All right.

l'll, uh, l'll talk to her.



l promise, l'll...

A little tough love.



-You will?








And about the Cheesemans,

why don't l call Linda tomorrow



and see if they want

to come to dinner?



Yes, yes. Good.



That would be nice.



l just, l don't know,



l gotta do something,

with the bishop gone--



gotta step it up a notch.



Don't worry.

You're doing a great job.



Don't stress.



The Cheesemans will fit in

just fine.



Excuse me, uh.



How you doin'?



That's my paper.



Oh yeah. Here you go.



You live here?









We're neighbors...over there.





Yeah, well uh, my wife and l



were thinking about coming

over tonight or sometime or...



Do you mind, uh?



What? Oh yeah.






That blonde girl.

That's your wife?






Hey, you got one like that,

who needs twelve?



Ugh, this coffee is awful!






What do you mean ''really?''

You think l'm lyin'?



Nah, l believe you.



No, no you don't.

You're questioning me.



lt wasn't a question.



lf there was a stenographer here



writing down our little

jovial repartee here,



she would have typed, ''Really''

with a question mark.



l've had a lot of stuff

read back to me



that l said

that l didn't remember saying.



l meant l was surprised

that it was bad.



How could you?

Don't you drink it?



Nah, l don't drink coffee.



Let me guess.

You're Mormon.






Maybe that's why

Mormons don't drink it.



Because no one knows how

to make a good cup.



You know what, just give me

the paper and a Pick Six.



A pick six of what?









You've got to be kidding me.



Besides not making good coffee,



Utah ain't got no lottery either.



They got no horse track.

They got no lottery.



They got nuthin' up here.



How far away is Vegas?



l don't know, but don't talk

about Vegas.



These people are the good,

church-goin' type.



That's another thing.



l'll go in there, l'll eat

their crappy, white-bread food,



but l ain't holdin' hands,

and l ain't singin' no ''Kumbaya.''



Take those off.



These people invite us to dinner.

You're gonna be pleasant.



l'm just sayin', if they bring out

the Bible Pictionary--gone.



A perfect game for you;

no words--all pictures.



That's very funny.



-Let me tell you something.

-Let me tell you...




The kids are already started.



Everybody, this is

the Cheeseman family.



Uh, George, Linda, their son Rick.



Kepi, Laura, a couple of friends.



How ya doin'?



Nice to meet yous.



You remember Kate.



Hi, so glad you could make it.



And uh, several

of the children here.



We've got more

running around here someplace.






Hey, we brought you somethin'.



Oh, thanks.

You shouldn't have, really.



-We wanted to.

-lt's not booze or nuthin'.




You shake it.



-lt's good, right?




So George, what did you do

in Omaha before the move?



l was in waste management.



Then that's what

brought you out here?



ln a manner of speaking, yeah.



How 'bout you, big guy?

What's your story?



How's that?



l haven't seen black people in Utah.



Did you get lost

on your way to somewhere?




l'm not black; l'm Tongan.



l don't keep up with the

whole politically correct thing.



You know, l mean,

first you're Negroes.



Then you're blacks.

Now you're African Americans.



Now you're the Tongans?



l don't think it's as catchy--





l mean l'm from Tonga.



lt's a South Pacific island.



Oh, like ''Survivor.''

l love that show.



l bet it's very clean there.



We moved here

for my husband's health.



The air is better.



Yeah, there's no cigarette smoke.



Let me ask yous, is that like

the body is a temple sort of thing?



What's that?



The no smoking.



Oh yeah, yeah.



lt's a health code

that the Church practices.



l'll tell you something.



l have seen some of the biggest,

chunkiest people



l have ever seen in my life

waddling around Utah.



That was rude to say!



That's not rude.

lt's just, it's the truth.



You've given up smokes;

you've given up booze.



Maybe should think

about giving up baked goods.



Chungaloones over here.



We should have made fruit salad.



No, no.

l don't mean yous.



Fifty, a hundred pounds overweight,

that's not a big deal.



l am talking about fat people.



People walk down the street,

and you go, ''Fat guy!''



Look at this guy.

He is a fat guy.



Guy on Jerry Springer--       pounds.

What does he do for Halloween?



White sheet over his head

and he goes as one of the Alps?






This is Michael with

Bishop Harrison a few years ago.



Let me ask yous two,



are you like what,

assistant ministers?



Well, uh, we're what you call

''counselors to the bishop.''



Like the consigliere.



We also have full time jobs too.

Our work at the church is voluntary.



That's right.

That's right.



l know you don't

have anything lined up yet.



l mean--l could go into work



and talk to my manager about you

if you'd like.



Oh, that'd be great.



This is so nice.

Look at all this you got here.



You even saved your kid's hospital

lD tag from when they was born.



You know what?

lf you're interested,



there are a ton

of scrapbooking stores around here.



lt's really popular.



There's stores where people

come to save their junk?



Oh yeah, they do very well.



Besides, it's not junk.

lt's preserving memories.



Preserving memories?

What are you going to preserve?



What, old cocktail napkins

with guys' phone numbers on 'em?




Who wants desert?



Sorry about my dad;

he's kind of got a big mouth.



You know what?

He's hysterical.



My family is so boring with their

domestic-tranquility lifestyle.



Your brother seems like kind of

a cool guy.



Yeah, whatever.

He was my last resort.



l lived in California before my

parent's moved to the Philippines.



My dad had to become

a mission president over there.



So jacked up.



l didn't want to go,

so l had to come here.



Your dad was a mission president.

What's that?



Those guys that come to your door

to talk about the Mormon Church.



-Mormon missionaries.




Well, the mission president



is the really old guy in charge

of all those young guys.



l thought it would be cool



to give the Mormons

the Jehovah's Witnesses' addresses



and the Jehovah's Witnesses

the Mormons' addresses.



Have 'em go at it--



like religion's version

of the Bloods and the Crips.



-Do you ski?




l might do something,

if l don't want to die of boredom.



At least you have a satellite

dish to entertain you.



You saw that?



Your secret's safe with me.



Hey, no boys in the room.

You know the rules.



That was at home.

l didn't know that applied here.



Same family, same rules.



l'm sorry, sir.

l didn't mean to disrespect.



You didn't know.

Listen, we've got cake. Come on.



l'm watching my weight.



Watch it downstairs with us.



Let's go.



Rick, have you thought about

going out for sports



at the high school?



-Uh, no, probably not.




You seem like the kind of guy

they could use.




Like what kind of sports?



You know, the regular ones.

Baseball, basketball, wrestling...






You mean like, you know,

busting heads, fightin'?



Well, it's not like on TV.



No, no, no.

lt's fighting.



The beauty is,

it's sanctioned by the school.



They let you!



Beat the crap out of kids,

and l don't get calls



from some p.o.'d

vice principal sayin',



''Your kid beat up this one,

he threatened this guy over here.''



No fuss.



l'm not involved with you.



l love it!

Love it!



But it's not fighting.



No, no, it's not fighting at all.



Wink, wink, nod, nod.

l getcha.



Brother Cheeseman,

will you read us a story?



Oh, so you're a brother already?



You know what, sweetheart?



George is visiting.

Let's leave him alone.



Yeah, l can uh, yeah,

l can read a story to children.



What is this?

''The Three Little Pigs?''



l don't need a book.

l know this story!



You ready to hear it?

All right.



Once upon a time there were

three little pigs:



Antonio, Joseppi, and Fredo.



Antonio, he lived in a straw house.



And Fredo, nice brick house



with the cobblestone driveway

and the lights underneath



that show the trees at night--

adds to the curb appeal.



One day, Antonio,

in the straw house,



is sittin' around,

pickin' his teeth,



watchin' television,



when he hears a knock on the door.



lt's a soft knock.

The door's made of straw.



Outside he hears,

''Big Bad Wolf,



''l'm here to collect

my protection money.''



This is money that the wolf charges

them every month not to eat them.



Protection money.

They'd give money in an envelope.



Antonio was just sick of it.

He doesn't want to pay the wolf.



So Antonio says, ''Forget it!

l'm not payin' you anymore!''



Now, this of course,

makes the wolf very irate.



So, he says, ''l am gonna huff,

l am gonna puff,



and l am gonna b-b-b-b-blow

your house down!''



Antonio is very, very upset,

and the wolf huffs



and he puffs...blows it down.



Now, Antonio is losing

his little pig mind,



running around

screaming and yelling.



His house is ruined.

He's got no insurance.



He runs

to his buddy Joseppi's house.



Boom, boom, boom.



-''He blew it d--''

-''Yes, he blew it down!



Come on inside, sit down,

have an espresso, relax.''



They're freakin' out.



Next thing you know--

boom, boom, boom.



Who do you think it is?



Big Bad Wolf.




The Big Bad Wolf.



Wolf says,

''All right, l'm a huff.



l'm a puff, and l'm gonna--

b-b-blow your house down!''



There's sticks all over the street.



People are slipping and falling--

like a John Woo film.



lt's crazy!



Now these two pigs are

out of their...minds.



Don't know what to do.



They run to their buddy Fredo's



with the big brick house.



Boom, boom.



He blew down our house.



Fredo says, ''All right, come in.''



''Help. He's gonna cut us.

He's gonna eat us.''



Fredo's like,

''Please, have an espresso?



''Calm down. Relax.

l'll take care of it.''



Fredo is as cool as a cucumber.

Walks over to the phone.



He dials some associates

and hangs up the phone.



The next thing you know...

big black Cadillac limo



pulls up in front

of Fredo's brick house.



Two Goomba pigs

in dark suits get out.



They say,



''Excuse me.

You the Big Bad Wolf?''



He says, ''Yeah.''



They pick him up by his lapels



and start bangin' him

against the side of the house,



crackin' his brain

against the wall!



Then the pig reaches

into his pocket, pulls out his  mm,



puts it against

the wolf's temple--badabing!



They blow his brains

all over his suit.






Uh, George, l think we're...



This is the best part.



l think we probably...



This is the best part!

Trust me!



Then Antonio and Joseppi they go,

''Fredo, who was that?''



Fredo goes, ''Ah, those guys?



Those are my cousins,

The Guinea Pigs.''



Guinea Pigs...



Never mind.

The End!



Yeah! Yeah!!



Good kids, good kids.



Hey, tell you what kids, here.



Go get yourselves some ice cream.



That's fine.




What, it's ice cream?



They get an allowance...

garbage and things they do...



Eh, it's thirty bucks.

lt's no big deal.






Hey, how are you?



Good to see you.



So, what's goin' on with that thing?



l looked into the thing.






l talked to the guy;

he said it's early   th century,



maybe you'll get

$    - $    at auction.



Stinkin' ''Antiques Road Show''!



Getting everybody's

hopes up like that.



My Aunt Adeline--   years old.



She's up in the attic.



She's looking for things to bring.






What about that other thing?



Don't worry about that other thing.



We're gonna find Carmine,

and we're gonna kill 'im.



Kill 'im twice.



...his glorious resurrection

and ascension into heaven,



and ready to greet him

when he comes again.



We offer you in thanksgiving

this holy and living sacrifice.



Excuse me.



Father, not for nuthin',

but it's just the two of us?



Nobody else?



There was an altar boy once,

but he left for college.



My husband said

yous guys was comin' over.




l can't...






l said, ''My husband said

yous guys was comin'...''



Hey, where'd you go?



l came home from church

and went to the store.



You get the capicola?



Excuse me; l'm trying to have

a conversation here.



With who?



These are the seven-thirties.



lf you'll...just stand there,



l'll do that.



We're not a ''big box'' here.



l like to call it a customized store.



So, you'll find seven-thirties,




Brother James.



President Perry, good to see you.



How are you?



l'm fine.

My wife has me fixing the gate,



and l'm looking for

some specific hinges.



Yes, yes.



Hinges, l can take care of that.



Let me introduce you

to George here, first.



He just moved in a few weeks ago.



This is President Perry.



He's a stake president,

we call that.



He's a sort of the leader

of many of the local congregations.



Like a president.



Like president of the Mormons?



Something like that, yeah.



What, you want to be

the teamsters now?



The Mormon Jimmy Hoffa?



Did l mention that George

is from Omaha?



My son served a mission to Omaha.



Bet he knocked on your door.



Well, if he did,

l didn't answer it, Mr. Hoffa.



The hinge aisle, President,

is just over in this area.



-l'll take care of this.




Nice to have met you.



Wife's got 'im working.



Yeah, what?



Can get this cut in half?




You don't got a saw at home?



All right.



You want it exactly in half?




As close as you can get.



You have used one

of these before?



Yeah, but not to cut wood.




-Oh, Louise, you startled me.



l'm sorry.

l'm just out for my morning stroll.



l noticed when the postman

put the mail in,



the postcard from your

in-laws in the Philippines.






lt's nice to see things

are going well for them.



Thank you.



Yeah, you know, normally l'm not one

to pry into other people's affairs.



No, of course not.



l thought you should know,

the other night l was taking a walk,



and um, minding my own business,

of course...



Of course.



with the Cheeseman boy.






He's not a member of the Church.






Who knows what his values are.



l mean, to encourage them

to socialize.



l mean really.



Well, l thought that you

and your husband,



with him being in a position

of leadership,



would want to set the standard

for the community, you know.



You know what, Louise?

We are setting a standard.



We had the Cheesemans

over for dinner.



lt's called ''friendshipping.''



You know what?

You should try it sometime.



-l see.

-Hmmm, l hope so.






Yeah, it's Louise.



The end of your

first big day.



Bringin' home the bacon.



My old man used to say success comes



in a pair of overalls

and works eight hours a day.



lt feels good.

Do you feel that?



-lt feels good.




All right.

l'll see you tomorrow.



Eight hours a day,

forty hours a week!



How do you people do it?






Good afternoon, ma'am.



l'm looking for the owner.



Yes, l'm the owner,

Francis Eastlack.



Mrs. Eastlack, l'm Brigham Smith

from Scrapbookers Local    .



-From where?

-Scrapbookers    .



lt's the local scrapbooking union.



l didn't know

scrapbookers had a union.



Well, you're supposed to.



You're also supposed

to pay your union dues.



Union dues?



Yes, ma'am.



How many employees do you have?






Two full time and four part-time.



Well, as you know,

it's $   a month per person.



That's for the full-timers.



For part-timers

we have to charge double dues



because we find that they exert



a bigger suck on the pension

and health programs.



So, that's two workers

at $   a month,



four at a $     a month.



That's $    a month

you have to pay.



-l have to pay?

-Yes, ma'am.



l thought employees paid

for things like that.



What kind of money

do employees make?



Minimum wage.



And it looks like you're doing

pretty well here.



lt's a beautiful store.



Well, yes.



That's why you're responsible.



Let's talk about back dues.



Now, unfortunately,

l'm not able to wipe out



an entire    -month period

of back dues.



However, what l can do is

l can only go back three months.



So, that's this month

plus three months of back dues.



That would be $    

you have to pay.



That's a lot of money!



ls it Mrs. Eastlack?

ls it really?



Don't you think it's

in everyone's best interest?



You wouldn't want

a strike now, would you?






Oh yes, ma'am.



Your employees parading

up and down that beautiful sidewalk,



carrying large signs,

and screaming



about how unfairly

they're being treated.



We are very fair.






That's why you have

to pay the $    .



Well, will you take

a check?



Do you have a driver's license

and a major credit card?



What can l get you?



Yeah, could l get a pound

of your capicola?



l'm sorry?






Produce section is back there.



lt's not produce; it's ham.



We have boiled ham.



l don't want boiled ham.

l want capicola ham.



Hey, we have any uh...

cappuccino ham?






Yeah, that.



lt's a ham.



We have boiled ham.



l don't want boiled ham.

l want cap...never mind.



Oh great! Name brand.



What is this, detergent?



What happened to the Pop-Tarts?



Hey, Kate.









Are you okay?



Oh, hi.



No. lt's nuthin'.

l'm fine. Honestly.



Oh, honey.

Honey, what is it?



Back home l had my friends

and family.



Out here l got nuthin'.

Not even good meat.



Oh, sweetie.



But you've got

a wonderful husband and son.



My husband?



He's more like

that college roommate



when you couldn't wait

for the end of the semester



so everybody could move out.



Except with him

l ain't never graduatin'.



Oh, hey.



Thank you.






You people are so nice.



There's such

a good feelin' about you.



Look, Linda, would you like to come

to church with us on Sunday?



l mean, just come out

and meet a few more people.



You could make new friends.







He hit someone.



Uh-huh. So what?

lt's wrestling.



Yeah, l know it's not fighting.



Wink, wink, nod, nod.



l get that, all right.



What do you mean, ''No l don't''?



You callin' me stupid?



You know, l may drive a minivan,

it's short, but it ain't yellow.



Who was that?



The high school vice principal.



What's his problem?



Eh, he's upset

that he's only number two.



You know, Buzz Aldrin

never got over it either.



Oh, and your kid

hit some other kid.



l don't know.






lt was wrestling tryouts.



Oh, did he make the team?



l'll get the update from him

when he gets home.



So you know,

Michael and Kate Jaymes invited us



to go to church Sunday.




l don't go to my own church.



l'm gonna go to somebody else's?



lt's not like we're gonna convert.



This is a different world.

l would like to know people.



l'm sure they are curious

about who we are.



Who are you talking about,

neighbors or the extraterrestrials?



Carmine Zindeli Pasquale,



this Sunday you are

gonna get dressed,



your son is gonna get dressed,



and we are goin' to church

like a happy, normal family.






Steve and I are going skiing.

Do you want to go with?



Third wheel?

l'll pass.



Another fun weekend for me

here in Happy Valley.



lf there was four of us...



Kopi Luac?



Oh, hey.



Yeah, it's this special coffee

my dad likes.



He wanted me to order it.

He's a freak about this stuff.



He grinds his own coffee beans.







What happened to you yesterday?



Yeah, Kate told me.

You guys came to church?






l faked a massive stomachache.

Sorry you had to suffer through it.



No, everyone was real nice.

l kinda liked it.



You're kidding me.



lt was cool.



Your brother asked me to

a paintball thing



the guys from church

are having in the mountains.



l'm gonna go.






Let's go guys.




-ls this my package?

-lt came today.



And this is the first l'm hearin'?



What, are you that desperate

for a coffee fix?







Who puts pineapple on a pizza?



Canadian bacon and pineapple.



lt's very popular here.



Folks said to try it.



You don't put pineapple

on a pizza!



lt's like putting pepperoni

in a fruit cocktail!



lt's something you don't do!



l wanted to try something new.



l though we were havin' manicotti.



l needed something easy,

l'm goin' out tonight.



There's a women's night

at the church.



-What church?

-The Mormon Church.



With the Mormon Church?

You were there Sunday.




There's something tonight.



Kate invited me.



...Fruit on pizza?



What, you gonna be a Mormon now?



No, but now l have friends.

lt's nice to socialize.



With them?

With June Cleaver?



lt's Nick at Night

with these people.



And what's wrong with that?



They have values!



Hey, take those off.



Leave the kid alone, will you?



lt would be nice to have

some dinner conversation.



He's got nothing to say!



You got something to say?



Bop! Nuthin'!



Some guys from Church



are havin' this paintball thing

in the mountains.



Kids your age?



lt's the guys.



lt's some father and sons.



Michael asked if we wanted to go.



You have got to be kidding me.



You wanna go runnin'

in the mountains



playin' Hide and Seek

with Mormons?



What's the matter?



lt would be nice,

yous getting together



and doin' something fun

like that.



Why do l wanna go?

l got a house.



lt's freezing cold outside.



l'm not goin'.



That happened with the Donner Party.



Them people--they froze.



They ended up putting themselves

on their own pizza.



You know what, this is...



l'm outta here.



Forget it.



l'm gonna go get

something to eat somewhere else,



and not in the woods.



Let me get this straight.



You're telling me

you are the largest



wholesale distributor

of scrapbooking materials



in the entire state of Utah?



And most of ldaho.



No kiddin'.



Where you were from again?



Save All Memories

of the Children.



What is that?



You heard of ''Save the Children?''



Well, we save all the memories.



What our organization does,

in a nutshell,



is we raise money



for underprivileged children

all around the globe,



so that they can keep

a scrapbook.



These little tikes,

they're gonna grow up,



they're gonna' become doctors

and lawyers and such,



and with these scrapbooks,



they're gonna be able to refer back



and see how far they've come.



That's very considerate.



l agree.



How else we gonna know

about these kids?



You've seen them.



lt's truly sad,

with the bloated bellies



and the flies flyin' around them.



How we gonna know bout 'em

if there ain't someone there



takin' pictures

while the flies are buzzin'?



We'd be more than happy

to donate scrapbooking materials.



l appreciate that; l really do.



Thing is, we already got us

a government contract



to purchase

the scrapbookin' supplies.



All we're looking for

quite frankly,



and there ain't no way

to sugarcoat it,



is financial donations.



lt's for the children.



Yeah, Salt Lake City

to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.



This Friday.



Do ya got something

in the morning?



l'll take that.



First class.



One seat.



And, no.

One way.






You know, Rick, after dinner

we'll check out



the paintballing equipment

if you'd like.



Hey, thanks.



And thanks for letting me stay

for dinner.



Oh, it's our pleasure.



But shouldn't you call your parents

so they know you're here?



Oh no, that's fine.



They got into another fight.



Dad took off and Mom drank

a whole bottle of white zinfandel.



She's facedown,

you know, wasted.



So this works out fine.



So you ever actually played

paintball before, Rick?



Oh, no.






Not everyone's Rambo.



Some people lead

civilized lives indoors.



lt's a shame your dad

couldn't make it with us.



He told me about

his doctor's appointment.



He told you he had an appointment?



Yeah, that's why he won't

be coming paintballing with us.



l thought this was going

to stay in the family,



but l guess we can confide in you.



Why, what's wrong?



Well, Dad--Dad's got

to get a colonoscopy.



Oooh, wow!



-What's a colonoscopy?

-Look on the lnternet.



No, no, no, no.



lt's just

a doctor's appointment, honey.



Look Rick,

l don't want you to worry.



lt's probably nothing,




l had an uncle;

he had a colonoscopy.



lt was a buffalo head nickel



that he'd swallowed

when he was two years old.



They got it back too.

Mint condition.



Thing tripled in value.



There isn't a paintballing

merit badge yet,



but some are working on it.



l like to use this space

to practice.



We'll set up targets.



Have you ever actually

shot a gun before, Rick?



-Well, uh...

-Well, it's pretty easy.



Use the rifleman approach--

the Chuck Connors.



Keen-haw, keen-haw.



l like that.



Some prefer sort of the delicate

Princess Leah sort of a feel.



You know what l mean?



You're right.

That's pretty cool.



Look at that, yeah.



l was thinking of having

that painted soon.



l'll put up some targets

to shoot at.



How bout that?



Hey, it's pretty fun.






Yeah, you're right.

That was fun.










What's your problem?



You've been acting

weird all day.



My problem is when friends come



and spend the night

hanging out with my brother.



So? You was hangin' out too.



A good time



is not to hang out

with my brother.



l had a good time.



lf a good time is hangin' out

with my brother, you've got problems.



You said you had the problem.



-l did.




Look, my brother

is a complete dork.



And his wife is this little

homemaking Nazi.



Your brother and wife

are good people,



and probably your mom

and dad too.



You want nuthin' to do with them?



That's another problem

you got.



Technically, that's just

an extension of the problem.






Well, then you got one

really big problem.



All right,

l'm goin' to lunch.






George, it's Special Agent Tuttle.



Hey, how you doin'?



[faking bad phone connection ]



-We need to talk.

-Come on.



l just started lunch hour.



That's perfect.

Let's go.



ls your car parked out front?



All right, fine!






l did the scrapbooking thing.

Big deal!



You're doing scrapbooking?

See, that is so cool.



This going straight thing

has worked for you.



lt's opened up a myriad

of hobbies and interests.



When l got married,

we started scrapbooking.



Then we took scrapbooking

and combined it with genealogy



and made books...



La, la, la, la, la.



You see this?

This is my ''don't care'' face.



Now, we're not here

for the scrapbooking thing?



What are you doin' here then?



All right.



Agents in Atlantic City

collared a Rocky Delfurio



on a calling card scam.



Do you know him?



Yeah, he's like,



he's an old-timer

with Gagliano's crew, right?






He wanted to cut a deal

in exchange for information.



Everybody's a stool pigeon.



He actually had

a lot to offer, George.



He lead investigators

to an area in the Pine Barrens.



There were an old farm and well,



it had been dried up for years.



There was a concrete slab

placed over the top of it.



lt was at the bottom

of the well...



they found the remains

of your father.



l'm so sorry, George.



At the time your father was involved

in some importing operation.



A guy named Jimmy lanucci

tried to muscle in.



Your father and lanucci

had some words,



and one thing lead to another.



lanucci's been doing a     to    

on another wrap in Tallahassee.



He's up for parole in six months

but he's not going anywhere now.



The office sent me all



of your father's

personal effects to give you.



There's a gold necklace

with a gold crucifix.



A gold ring.



A gold chain with a squiggly thing.



A money clip, no money.



Gold, though.



A gold watch.



Gold bracelets.



Something else gold,

l don't know what that is.



Your father's billfold



with driver's license

and credit cards.



And a travel brochure

to Disneyland



with three plane tickets

to Los Angeles.



There you go.






So you got that doctor's appointment

this weekend?



Uh, yeah.



You know, l'm sure it's nothing

to worry about, really.



Rick, he told me everything.

He's concerned.



What are you talking about?



Look, l know

it's a sensitive subject,



and l want you to know

l feel for you.



l had an uncle

who had a colonoscopy.






Look, l want you to know

if anything unusual comes up



that we are here for you.




l'm not having a colonoscopy.



You're not?






You know, George, you're over   .

l mean, this is the time...



We are not having

this discussion!



lgnoring the situation

isn't going to make it actually...



You know what,

l'm sure your doctor...



All right, you know what?

l lied.



l made it up.



l got no doctor's appointment,

no colonoscopy, nuthin'.



l made it up so l wouldn't have to go



out with you into the woods

to play army patrol.









You know, Rick is really excited.



Let me ask you a question.



Why do you care about me

and my family, huh?



What is your...



You get me this job,

you bring me to church,



you invite us to dinner,



and now you inviting me

into the woods.



What, you need more converts?



There aren't enough Mormons

in this state?



No, no, George, it's not anything

like that, really.



l just--l consider you a friend.



l want you to feel like part...



Oh no, l do.

l do.



Every time we go walkin'



people close their drapes

when they see us.



Part of the community?



Ah, see, you know,



there's a saying

about Mormons by Mormons,



and it says

that the Church is true,



the people aren't--necessarily.



And what does that mean?



But l suppose you think

you're great?



No, George, l don't think

anything about myself.



l'm sorry.



l just--l just happen to think

that you're a great guy.



You have a great family,

and l want you to feel happy here.



That's all.






We're going in!



Put your bike down!



ln an approved parking place!



The guy said l should test drive

this thing before this weekend.



So you're going?



Yeah. l got you one too.

Give it a shot.



-All right.

-There's a safety on it.



-Right here.




Push that button.



All right.



-Show me what you got.

-Just go?






What's all this?



You look like Darth Vader

and G.l. Joe had a kid.



Hey, Dad's going paintballing too!



Really? That's good to hear.



You know what?

lt's gonna be cold.



-You know how to start a fire?

-l set a few.






Hey, how you doin'?



Oh, hey.



We're the missionaries from



The Church of Jesus Christ

of Latter-day Saints.



Got it.



Who were those people

you were talking to?



Oh, that was

the Mormon missionaries.



Are you kiddin'?



Who are they preachin' to?

Everyone's already Mormon.



We're not.



They're gonna be comin' here,

talking to us?



No, l took care of it.



l told them

this wasn't where l lived.



l gave them another address

to someplace else.



l love it.



Okay guys. Okay guys.

Listen up.



You got your teams.

You know the rules.



First team to get the other team's

flag and brings it home wins.



Let's move.



All right, let's go.



Hey, l gotta go to the bathroom

before we get started.



-All right. Take care of it.

-Well, where'd you put it?



Are you kiddin' me?

lt's pretty much anywhere.



l mean as long as it's

away from camp.



No, no--you're not hearing me.



lt's morning time.

l gotta go to the bathroom.



Oh! l got a fire in the hole here!



All right! They're your woods.



Wherever l want.



Wherever l want.



l want four walls, a newspaper,



and my toilet seat that plays

''That's Amore.''



That's what l want.



Aw! Who clipped you guys?



l don't know.

lt was a blur.



Never even heard it comin'.



You must have seen it.



This act does not go unpunished.



Give me a name.

Give me the name!



l'm hazy.



-Give me the name.




You're a good kid.

Let's go.



Why're you cryin' kid?



Because l want to keep playing.



What's your name?






Robby, huh?



lf l wanted to shoot you Robby,

you'd be dead already, right?



That's a nice gun you got.



What is this?









You're a kid.



You should be eating candy

and popcorn and crap.



l like it though;

l like the granola.



l'll tell you what l'm gonna do.

l'm not gonna shoot you.



But you tell us

where your home base is



so we can capture

your flag and win.



lt's the other side of the hill.



Don't lie to me kid!



l'm not lying.



My sixth sense tells me

when people are lying,



especially little kids!



l'm gonna ask you one more time!

Where is your home base?



l'm not lying.



All right.



l'm gonna shoot you.

Your day's over.



Okay, it's on the other side

of the stream down by the cliffs.







Don't be stupid.



Ah, man!

Now l can't keep playing.




That's the point.



But, l didn't shoot you, did l?

Let's go.



Hey, what should l do with this?



Leave the gun;

take the granola.






You have fun?



Yeah, l did.

lt was great.



lt was fun, huh?



Did you see me drinkin' coffee

so the Mormons wouldn't see me?



Yeah, that's not all you was doin'.



See that kid?



Comes around the big boulder

and sees me squattin' there?



The look on his face.



l love it.



You know what?

l got a good idea.



Why don't we go home,

get cleaned up,



and take your ma to dinner?



Yeah, where?



Know where l wish we could go?

Naples. Route   .



Get a big panzorotti.



Baked or fried?



Who you talking to?







But you know what?

l'll bet nobody's got no Naples,



and nobody knows nuthin'

about no panzorotti.



lsn't that a sports car?



No. That's a Maserati.

l said panzorotti.



lt's like, picture this.



Take a pizza, fold it,

throw meat and cheese inside,



deep fry it, done.



Oh, you mean a calzone?



No. No.

Look at me.



Does it not look like

l know the difference between

a panzorotti and a calzone?



Maybe l don't know the difference.



Bingo! Nathan.



l'll tell you,

today's your lucky day.



You're gonna learn.



Get me an apron; l'll show you

how to make panzorotti.



l'm gonna show you once,

so pay attention.



All right?



All right.



First thing you do,

you turn the dough into crust.



Roll it out nice.

Make a nice ball.



Nice thin crust; that's the key.



Throw in your red sauce,

around the edge, not too much.



You throw in your sausage,

your pepperoni, then your...



What is this?



A pineapple.




Now it's garbage.



Fold it over.



You make your seam.



You throw it in your deep fryer.



Nice and brown.



Like that, right?



Then you stuff it in your face.



Yeah, Mike is covered in paint,

and we find the kid.



Dad makes him tell

where his base is.



No loyalty, this kid.

Total stool pigeon.



Boo hoo, l just want

to keep playing the game.



He told us everything.



l would've blasted him right off.



You see?

That's the problem with kids today.



lt's all about the violence.



Be smart.



True coercion is an art form;

it all starts up here.



So we find the flag,



we grab it

and start booking it for camp.



l'm glad you twos

had a good time.



-We did, didn't we?




Yeah, l was thinking

maybe...spring comes,



it gets a little warmer

up in the woods,



the three of us, we go,

do like a camping weekend.



For real?



l don't think so.

You two go.



l have a house.

Why do l wanna go?



Ah, very funny.



We'll start out slow.



We'll finish dinner,

go home, open windows,



and we can snuggle up

in the same sleeping bag.



Hey, too much information people.



l'm headin' to the bathroom,

kinda like Dad in the woods.



-We're not goin' there.

-You already did.



Um, um! This is so good!



My compliments to the chef.



What do you think?



Tomorrow we get all dressed up

and the three of us,



we go to church together

like a family.



Not for nuthin',



but what's gotten into you,

George Cheeseman?



l don't know.



That's for me to know

and for you to find out.



Give to your people

the joy of continual health



in mind and body



with the prayers

of the Virgin Mary to help us.



Guide us through

the sorrows of this life



to eternal happiness

in the life to come.



l told you it's a hi-tech world,

and we gotta get an lT guy?



The jamook who every time

l got a problem with my computer



tells me to turn it off and on.



l get to thinking,

that special coffee



Carmine always says

he can't live without...






l get the computer geek

to go on the lnternet



and do some research.



There's a half dozen or so

home addresses in the U.S.



for somebody ordering

that special coffee.



But there's only one out West



just started ordering the same time

Carmine goes into hiding.



l want you

to handle this personally.



Already bought the plane tickets.



l'm goin'.



And l'm bringin'

Rocco Mancusso with me.



This time tomorrow,

Carmine Pasquale will be a dead man.



This stuff's pretty good.



l think they call it ''fry sauce.''



lt tastes like ketchup

and mayonnaise.



Thought you were on a diet.



l'm working on it.



Look at this.

What do we got here?






There. The van.



lt's the wife.



Look at this.



She must work out.



Oh, look at this.



The groceries;

a nice, happy family.



Not for long.



-Hi, babe.




You need some help?



There he is.



That's him,

that rat fink Carmine Pasquale.



Come on, let's go.



What, are you nuts?



lt's Little Nicky.



Do you got everything?






He made us.



Come on.

Let's get outta here.



Move over this thing!



-On the left.




Would you go left?



All right!



Me shut up?



-What are you gonna do?




Well, this is a stroke of genius.

He's just disappeared.



All these houses look alike to me.



How can we lose 'im?



Right there. Quick, quick!

Make a right.



Rest assured,

you were our last resort.



Good to see you.

Are Rick and Linda coming?



No. By myself.



Are you okay?

You seem a little rushed.



l'm fine.



Listen, do you have

like a...a basement?



No, no, we have Sunday School,

however, that's starting.



Listen, we also have

a church social next week.



-This is a Mormon church.

-Yeah? So what?



lt's supposed to be

some kinda cult.



What are you talking about ''cult''?



Would you come on?






Are you brethren visiting

with us today?



Uh...yeah, yeah sure.



Good, good, good.

Come on.



Now, here's our Sunday School class.



l'd like to welcome everybody out

to Sunday School today.



Do we have any visitors with us?



We've seen you here before,



but would you mind standing up

and introducing yourself again?



l don't want to.



Come on. lt's easy.

lt's the thing we do.



l'm George Cheeseman.



George Cheeseman?



Thank you, George.



And you two brethren back there,



l don't believe

we've met you before.



Go on, please,

introduce yourselves.


            name is uh...

Robert de Niro.



Rocco Mancusso.



Pleased to meet you.



Nice to have you.



Why didn't you use

a made-up name?



You took mine.



Okay, lets all turn

to John chapter eight.



You know what?



l left my Bible

in my other church.



Me too.



Come on.

Open up!



-Give me the keys.

-l don't have the keys.



Oh! There they are.






They're in the car.



We got you now, you rat fink!



Carmine Pasquale, you're a dead man!



Hey, it's the missionaries.



Hi, Elders.







They know where we are now!



George, relax.



We've got them in custody.

They're willing to make a deal.



You see this?

You can't trust nobody.



But it's perfect.



Now we're spinning a story



that they got picked up

before they got to you,



and you're completely

unaware of this.



lf Angelo thinks he's failed,

he'll send somebody else,



and that we use as leverage.



Of course,

he's gonna send somebody else.



What happens when

somebody else gets here?



We are dead!



George, we're going to protect you.






Trust me.



You got this Mormon family,

Catholic family,



living next door to each other.



So each family has

a little four-year-old kid.



One's a boy; one's a girl.

lt's summertime.



The kids are playin';

they turn on the sprinkler.



They figure, ''Eh, we'll strip down

to our birthday suits,'' right?



They're running around.



Little boy looks

at little girl and goes,



''Oh! Look, there really is



a difference between Mormons

and Catholics!''



All right.



l just got one more thing--

l wanna...



What are you gonna do?



Hey, uh, folks,

if l could have your attention.



Now, l know you don't drink,

or smoke, or have fun.



Of course, l'm kidding.



But l would like to raise a toast

with my caffeine-free Diet Pepsi



and share with you

an old ltalian toast.



lt goes something like:



''Chi trova un amico,

trova un tesoro.''



Which means, ''He who finds a friend

finds a treasure.''







Put your cups down!

That's not appropriate.



For heaven's sakes,

that's the appearance of evil.



Well, uh, thanks for having us guys.

This was great.



Oh, you're leaving?



Yep, we gotta go.

Saturday night mass.



Wanna to stay for desert?



l left the ricard pie on the table.




Oh, thanks for coming.



Listen, about the other day,

do you think we could talk later?



Um, yeah.







Good to have you.



Yeah, thanks.



You guys take care.



Yeah, sure.



When in Rome.



See ya.



See ya, Rick.



Thanks for comin'.



That was nice.






Aside from the food,

that was great fun.



You know, l've never heard a toast

at a church dinner before.



That was a first.



Well, George is a good guy.



Yeah, they're good people.



According to a spokesman

for the FBl,



notorious mob figure

Carmine ''The Beans'' Pasquale



and his family,

known to neighbors



as George, Linda,

and Patrick Cheeseman,



were in the

Witness Protection Program



for just over a month,



when this apparent

mob retaliation took place.



lnvestigators say...



lt's all over the news.






President Perry.



l knew there was something

suspicious about them.



What if that explosion had happened

when we were nearby?



lt could have been a tragedy!



Brothers and sisters,



l bring you condolences

for this incredible tragedy.



You knew this family



and their effort to get

a second start in life,



and l understand many of you

here embraced them, as you should,



as neighbors.



Now, l have other news.



With Bishop Harrison's recent loss,

he and his family have decided



to permanently relocate back East

to assist with his parents' farm.



We therefore need to release

Bishop John Clayton Harrison



as bishop of the Mountain View Ward



with Michael lsaac Jaymes

as first counselor



and Kepi Vakasiwola Viahani

as second counselor.



Those who can offer

a vote of thanks for their service,



please join me in doing so.



Would the following individual

please stand;



as l read his name,

we ask for your vote.



As the bishop

of the Mountain View Ward,



Michael lsaac Jaymes.



All those who can accept

Michael Jaymes as your bishop,



please indicate.



No, l don't think so pal!






George, we're trying

to keep a low profile.



l gotta pay for meals in coach.



He says l look like l'm goin'

to a Barry Manilow concert.



George, you're in disguise.

Keep it low-key.



You could have done better

on these getups.



lt's temporary.

Your plane leaves in     minutes.






Now, be assured.



Angelo Marcello thinks you're dead.



l wish l was dead with these clothes.

You have no imagination.



Are you sure

nobody suspects a thing?






Everybody has bought this,

including your neighbors.



We've kept a tight beat

on the community



and what people are saying.



You might be interested

to know your friend, Mike Jaymes,



was called to be

the new bishop today.






Well, not for nuthin'.

He's good people.



l can see why.



-Apparently not everybody can.

-What do you mean?



ln the Mormon Church,

when called to any position,



everybody in the congregation

has to vote on it.



Now,     times out of      

everybody votes in the affirmative.



What happens on the      th time?



Once in a while people

will vote against it.



So, so what?



Somebody didn't want

to vote for Mike?



Actually about half

the congregation.






l've got to admit,

it's almost unheard of.



How could anyone

have anything bad to say about Mike?



We're here tonight for you

to voice your concerns.



l asked Brother Jaymes not to attend

--to allow everyone to speak freely.



l have known Michael Jaymes

for years.



We're not going to find anyone

with more dedication.



You know, l think l speak

for a lot of people here



when l say he may mean well,

but at what expense?



What if one of us had been killed

because Michael Jaymes



invited a mobster to wander

the halls of our church?



But he didn't know.



The federal government

sent them here.



There should be a law against that.



Or some law notifying us

that these people are moving in.



lt's the

Witness Protection Program!



lf we know they're here,

they're not protected.



Then who is going to protect us?



That mobster thug

scared my son to death



and ate his granola!






Michael Jaymes invited a wolf

into our little flock of sheep.



That is the most ridiculous

thing l've ever heard.






Can l, uh, say somethin' here?



Thank you.



Um, well, we're not dead.



That little magic show

you saw yesterday



was courtesy of the FBl.



They did it to trick

some people l used to know.



And we're movin' away from here now.



But the Feds have big ears,



and l heard what was going down here

with uh...with Mike Jaymes



and what some of you think about him,



that you believe he's responsible



for bringing in a wolf

amongst your sheep.



And my life these days

has been all about



saving my own skin

and looking out for number one.




my whole life's been that way.



But l figured when l heard about

this sit-down today,



it's a good opportunity

for me to stand up



for someone who done right by me.



Someone like Mike.






l just wrote down some notes.



You know l heard one time

that the Mormon Church is true,



but the people ain't.



l don't know if the Mormon God

is the one true God.



l'm not a prayin' man.



l have heard many people

say their prayers.



But l can tell you,



if there is one ounce

of truth in the Mormon Church



and l relied on the people

in this room to find out about it,



l'd never know.



Some of you people wouldn't give

me and my family the time of day.



That aside, you do have

one good thing going for ya,



Michael Jaymes.



That guy cared more about me

and my family than l did.



And he showed me what's

really important in life.



lf he can do that

with a guy like me,



imagine what he could do

with people like you.



So, l don't know if it counts,



but Mike Jaymes has my vote.






What, we need

an engraved invitation?



l smell dinner;

l don't know about you guys.



So, the Feds have

their undercover guy.



He's worked in with Angelo's crew,



he tells 'em

that what went down was real,



Angelo believes we're dead.



So did everyone else.



lt had to be that way.



But when we heard about

what happened...



l hadda come back and say my piece.



So any idea

where you're heading now?






As long as they don't put pineapple

on their pizza, l'm fine.



And good coffee.



l don't know.



Coffee almost got me killed

this time around.



l'm thinking there's something to

this whole Mormon health code thing.



-Oh, hey. President.




-l wanted to tell you.




Congratulations, Bishop.



Ha, ha, ha.



Everybody sustained me?






But l never said everybody had to.



All l wanted to know

was why they didn't.



But you're where

you need to be, Bishop.



The rest will come around.



Look at you.

The Mormon Jimmy Hoffa over here!



lf l were you,

just in case you ever disappear,



leave a note saying

to look for you



under the goalposts

at the B YU stadium.






He has no idea.



l don't know if you can write,

but if you can, here's the address



to my parents' home

in the Philippines.



Your brother's kickin' you out?



Nah. l decided l'm going

to live with my parents.



lt's sort of trying to find

a solution to my problems.



l thought it was a big problem?



Then it might get a little smaller.



Oh! Let's go!



l gotta go.



Thanks for everything.



Good luck with the baby.



Thank you.



All right.

Come on, get in.



Good luck with everything.



Be good.

Be safe.



You take care of yourself.



Oh, hey.

One more thing.



-Mike, could you do me a favor?

-Yeah, sure.



Can you deliver those?



But, l need you to do it personally.



What are they?



Refund checks.




Aloha, Bishop.



-See ya.

-Take it easy.






l love these.



You put the little bubble

on the picture,



like it's a comic strip.



Oh, that's cute.



How long have you been open?



My husband and l opened

about a month ago.



These are great.



Three, four, five,

five is ten.



Thank you very much.

Come again.






Ah, Mormon missionaries.



l tell you what,

here, it's on the house.



Oh, thanks!



-Where you from?








Looks like you haven't

had a decent meal.



How bout comin' over

to the house for dinner.



You won't hear complaints from us.



We won't hear any messages either.



We're just gonna eat.



lt's a start.



Forget about it.



l'm Elder Carpenter,

and this is Elder Martin.



How you doin'?



l'm Donald Clayton.



This is son Jordan,

my lovely wife May.



Get me May.



l'm inviting Mormons over...

on purpose.



-You're kidding!

-l don't know what got into me.



Give 'em our address,



and make it the correct one

this time.



-So you guys like ltalian food?

-Love it.




We're having Chinese.



lt's Tuesday.



Tuesday's Chinese food

at our house.



She makes a great stir fry.



Mom makes good stir fry.



-Not better than mine.

-No, she's the best.



And what she does--

what do you call that thing?



The big metal...



The wok.



She shakes it with her whole body.



lt's like watching

a Chinese hula girl.



No, it's nice,

and the food's delicious!


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