Monkey Business Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Monkey Business script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Marx Brothers movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Monkey Business. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Monkey Business Script


            [Fast-paced lively instrumental music]

            [Fast-paced lively instrumental music continues]

            - What is it? - Sorry to have to report...

            there are four stowaways in the forward hatch.

            Stowaways? How do you know there are four of them?

            They were singing Sweet Adeline.

            Get them out of there, you hear?

            But we can't find them.

            And besides, they've been writing insulting notes.

            So, I'm an old goat, am I? Listen to me.

            Find them if you have to clear out that whole hatch!

            Yes, sir.

            - Captain, when do we get in? - Wednesday!

            - I beg your pardon. Wednesday. - Thank you.

            GROUCHO: [Singing] In all my dreams STOWAWAYS: [Singing] In all my dreams

            GROUCHO: Your fair face beams STOWAWAYS: Your fair face beams

            ALL: You're the idol

            of my heart

            Sweet Adeline

            My Adeline

            This is the only way to travel, boys. The only way.

            I was gonna bring the wife and kiddies...

            but the grocer couldn't spare another barrel.

            I was gonna bring my grandfather, but there's no room for his beard.

            Why not send for the old swine, let his beard come later?

            - I sent for his beard. - You did?

            It's coming by "hair" mail.

            Fellas, I think I hear someone.

            If it's the captain, I'm gonna have a few words with him.

            My hot water's been cold for three days and I haven't got room to swing a cat.

            In fact, I haven't even got a cat.

            - My grandfather can swing a cat. - He can?

            That'd make a good job for him.

            GIBSON: Come on, men.

            Someone's coming.

            Come on, men. Snap it up.

            Listen, fellas.

            We've got to find those stowaways.

            - And when we do, we'll put them in irons. - Aye, aye, sir.

            Take a look in behind those cases.

            You fellows, look behind those boxes.

            - Never mind the barrels. - Aye, aye, sir.

            - What's that? - I just said "aye, aye, sir."

            - Never mind that. Find those men. - Aye, aye, sir.

            [Lids rattle]

            [Horn tooting]

            - They're not here, sir. - Oh, yes, they are.

            Hoist all this stuff up on deck.

            - And get these barrels out of the way. - Very well, sir.

            Lower away up there.

            Hurry up with that sling.

            - You'll never find them standing around. - Yes, sir.

            You look in back of those bales.

            OFFICER: You look in those boxes. SAILOR: Yes, sir.

            All right, boys.

            Make it snappy up there!

            GIBSON: Hey!

            There they are!

            CHICO: Hurry.

            [Footsteps pattering]

            [Horn tooting]

            [Crowd chattering]

            [Playing lively music]

            [Crowd applauds]

            You fellas, go aft.

            You fellas, take a look in behind those lifeboats.

            [Woman exclaims in shock]

            [Crowd chattering indistinctly]

            WOMAN: Captain, tell us about the stowaways.

            I'll have them in the brig before long.

            That's terribly romantic. I'd love to meet a stowaway.

            CAPTAIN: Hey, you.

             Are these your gloves? I found them in your trunk.

              - Go to your rooms. I'll be down shortly. - Who are you?

              Are you the floorwalker? I want to register a complaint.

              - What's the matter? - Matter enough.

              You know who sneaked into my stateroom at  :   a.m.?

              - Who did that? - Nobody, and that's my complaint.

              I'm young. I want gaiety, laughter, ha-cha-cha.

              I wanna dance.

              [Singing] I wanna dance till the cows come home

              Just what do you mean by this?

              I don't like the way you're running this boat.

              Get in the backseat and let your wife drive.

              CAPTAIN: I've been captain of this ship for    years.

              Twenty-two years?

              If you were a man, you'd go in business for yourself.

              I know a fellow, started last year with a canoe.

              He has more women than you can shake a stick at, if you enjoy that.

              One more word, and I'll throw you in irons.

              You can't do it with irons. It's a mashie shot.

              It's a mashie shot if the wind is against you. If the wind isn't, I am.

              How about those barrels down below?

              GROUCHO: I wouldn't put a pig in there. CAPTAIN: See here, you...

              Not even if you got down on your knees.

              And here's your gloves. You would take them, wouldn't you?

              And keep away from my office.

              CAPTAIN: Now, see here, you!

              How dare you invade the sanctity of the captain's quarters?

              I thought you was the captain. I'm hungry.

              I'm gonna find something to eat.

              I'll take care of that. Hello.

              - Send up the captain's lunch. - Two.

              Send up his dinner, too. Who am I?

              I'm the captain. You want to choose up sides?

              Engineer, will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking?

              I'm gonna have lunch.

              - What's the matter with you? - What's the matter with me? I'm hungry.

              - I didn't eat in three days. - Three days?

              - We've only been on the boat two days. - I didn't eat yesterday...

              I didn't eat today, and I won't eat tomorrow. That makes three days.

              State your business. I've got to shiver my timbers.

              I got no business. I come up to see the captain's bridge.

              Captain's bridge? I'm sorry. He always keeps it in a glass...

              while he's eating.

              Would you like to see where he sleeps?

              I saw that. That's the bunk.

              You're wasting your breath, and that's no great loss.

              A fine sailor you are.

              You bet I'm a fine sailor. You know, my whole family was sailors?

              My father was partners with Columbus. What do you think of that?

              - Your father and Columbus were partners? - You bet.

              Columbus has been dead     years.

              They told me it was my father.

              Hop up there, and I'll show you a few things you don't know about history.

              Now look. There's Columbus.

              That's Columbus Circle.

              Would you mind getting up off that flypaper and giving the flies a chance?

              You're crazy. Flies can't read papers.

              Now, Columbus sailed from Spain to India looking for a shortcut.

              You mean strawberry shortcut.

              I don't know.

              When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.

              What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?

              You bet she could, but I found it out too late. Enough of this.

              Let's get back to Columbus.

              - I'd rather get back to the nurse. - So would I.

              But Columbus was sailing along on his vessel.

              - On his what? - Not on his what. On his vessel.

              - Don't you know what "vessel" is? - Sure. I can vessel.

              [Chico whistling lively tune]

              Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

              Now, one night Columbus' sailors started a mutiny.

              No mutinies at night. They're in the afternoon.

              You know, mutinies Wednesdays and Saturdays.

              There's my argument. Restrict immigration.

              [Gibson talking indistinctly]

              All right.

              Of all the colossal impudence!

              Why don't you stand up? Can't you see he has no chair?

              - Why, you... - You better keep quiet.

              We're a couple of big stockholders in this company.


              You look like a couple of stowaways to me.

              Don't forget that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

              Well, you look exactly like them.

              What do they look like?

              One of them goes around with a black moustache.

              So do I. If I had my choice, I'd go around with a little blonde.

              I said one goes around with a black moustache.

              You couldn't expect a moustache to go around by itself.

              Don't you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?

              CHICO: Sure, it gets lonely.

              When my grandfather's beard gets here, I'd like it to meet your moustache.

              I'll think it over. I'll talk it over with my moustache.

              Has your grandfather's beard got any money?

              - Money? Why, it fell hair to a fortune. - Now, listen!

              Stockholders or no stockholders, you clear out of here!

              [Knock on door]

              CHICO: There's someone in that room.

              GROUCHO: There's somebody in that closet, and I think it's you, Captain.

              - Now, we can eat in peace. - All right. Here's a piece for you.

              That a baby.

              [Knock on door]

              - Beg pardon, Captain. - How dare you enter the captain's quarters...

              - while I'm eating. - Sorry, sir.

              [Knocking on door]

              [Groucho guffaws]

              Now I've got you!

              Don't forget the butter.

              [Slow, romantic instrumental music]

              You know, there's some mighty pretty country around here.

              - I've... - I beg your pardon.

              [Zeppo whistling softly]

              - Pardon me. Is this yours? - Why, no.

              - You sure? - I'm positive.

              - Is this yours? - Yes, it is.

              As I was saying, there's some mighty beautiful country around here.

              - The trees are lovely. - You bet they are. I love them.

              [Puppets chattering]

              [Children cheering]

              Get out of my way!

              [Children continue laughing and cheering]

              [Harpo humming in distorted voice]

              [Harpo screams]

              Gibson. Come out of there.

              Yes, sir.

              I want to report I found a...

              Gibson, you've been drinking again...

              and you know what my orders were.

              But those stowaways, I just caught one of them in there.

              - Stowaway, huh? - Yes. There he is.

              PUPPETEER: [ln falsetto] Help! Look out! You're choking me!

              I thought so. Go to your quarters.

              [Children laughing]

              That's one now.

              That's a dummy. Come with me.

              [Children laughing]

              First officer.

              I'm telling you, that's him.

              This has gone far enough. Get up to your quarters.

              [Captain screams]

              Yes, sir.

              [Children laughing]


              I think you're right.

              I know you're right.

              [Puppeteer shouting indistinctly]

              [Harpo whistling upbeat tune]

              [Horn tooting]

              [Children cheering]

              Would you like anything before lunch?

              Yes, breakfast.

              Nobody eats in here.

              I do.

              Mustard's no good without roast beef.

              Do you want your nails trimmed long?

              About an hour and a half. I got nothing to do.

              You're a nice-looking gal, all right.

              You got it.

              Thank you.

              And you can keep it.

              [Girl screams]

              That's a nice gal?

              Somebody's coming.

              Come on, boys.

              You're next, Cap.

              I'm looking for a couple of mugs.

              - No, you boys look on B Deck. - Aye, aye, sir.

              How about a shave?

              - Sure. Give me a once-over. - Once-over, partner.

              OFFICER: No, a shave. CHICO: On the face. All right.

              - Wake me up when you get through. - We'll take care of you, all right.

              We take the tonsils last. I think we work on the moustache first.

              Give him a little snoop.

              CHICO: This side's too long. Give him a little snoop this side.

              CHICO: Now this side is too short.

              CHICO: It's too short. The other side is too long. Snoop him up.

              That's better, but the side that was too short now is too long...

              and the side that was too long is too short.

              I think you got to give him one more snoop.

              I think we better measure.

              It's about a foot too much.

              No, the measure's a foot too much.

              Now it looks much better.

              CHICO: It can stand one more snoop in the middle, I think.

              In the middle, one snoop.

              That's fine. That's very good.

              I think it's a little bit rough right here. I fix that.

              You know, I'm never going on this boat again. The food is no good.

              Of course, I no eat yet, but even if I don't eat, I like the food good.

              One more snoop.

              That's beautiful? That's what you call a work of art.

              Hey, you know, I think you give him one snoop too much.

              And I want you to know, I'm fed up on your alibis.

              Take it easy.

              You're getting all excited.

              Now where do you think you're going?

              Never mind. I'm running this racket.

              Just stay here and keep out of sight like I told you.

              No you don't. Now, listen to me, Mr. Alky Briggs.

              You can't keep me cooped up like this.

              I've played second fiddle on this ship long enough.

              Now you listen. I'm not after any dames.

              I'm after Joe Helton, I tell you, and he can't get away from me on this boat.

              He's got to put his okay on my gang, or he's gonna get this.

              Hey, who are you?

              I'm the tailor.

              That reminds me. Where are my pants?

              You've got them on.

              Pardon me while I step into the closet.

              And get a load of this, if you come in again at  :   a. m...

              - Stop bothering me. Tell it to the tailor. - Alky!


              LUCILLE: What are you doing in there?

              Nothing. Come on in.

              LUCILLE: You can't stay in that closet. GROUCHO: I can't, can I?

              That's what they said to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor...

              Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier, and Thomas Shefsky, mighty like a rose.

              Just remember that if there weren't any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks...

              and if there weren't any hooks, there'd be no fish, and that would suit me fine.

              LUCILLE: Don't try to hide. I know you're in that closet.

              - Did you see me go in the closet? - No.

              - Am I in the closet now? - No.

              Then how do you know I was in the closet? Your Honour, I rest my case.

              Come here, brown eyes.

              You're not gonna get me off this bed.

              I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.

              You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

              Then what do you think of an egg that would give me...

              You've been getting nothing but dirty breaks.

              We can clean and tighten your brakes...

              but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

              I want excitement. I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.

              [Groucho playing upbeat music]

              You don't realise it.

              From the time he got the marriage license, I've led a dog's life.

              Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?

              Alky can't make a fool of me.

              I want to go places. I want to do things.

              I want freedom, I want liberty, I want justice!

              [Groucho humming]

              Madam, you're making history. In fact, you're making me.

              And I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

              You know what I want. I want life, I want laughter, I want gaiety.

              I want to ha-cha-cha-cha.

              [Groucho playing upbeat music]

              Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce...

              and so will my wife.

              The first thing to do is to arrange for a settlement.

              You take the children, your husband takes the house.

              Junior burns the house, you take the insurance and I take you.

              LUCILLE: But I haven't any children.

              That's the trouble with this country. You haven't any children.

              And as for me, I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats.

              LUCILLE: Brown eyes.

              [Groucho exclaims]

              [Upbeat instrumental music]

              Sir, this is an outrage, breaking into a man's home.

              There'll be a letter about this in the Times tomorrow morning.


              But you won't read it, 'cause I'm gonna lay you out pretty.

              You're gonna lay me out pretty?

              That's the thanks I get for freeing an innocent girl...

              who, although she is hiding at the moment...

              has promised to become the mother of her children.

              And with that, sir, I bid you a fond farewell. Good day, sir.

              Good day.

              Come out of there. I want to talk to you.

              I'm sorry, but we're using the old-fashioned iceman...

              and we find him very satisfactory for keeping the house warm.

              Just as I thought, you're yellow, grabbing at a woman's skirts.

              - I'm wise. - You're wise?

              What's the capital of Nebraska?

              What's the capital of the Chase National Bank? Give up?

              Now, I'll try you on an easy one. How many Frenchmen can't be wrong?

              - I know... - You were warm and so was she.

              Don't be discouraged. With a little study you'll go a long way.

              - And I'd wish you'd start now. - Do you see this gat?

              Cute, isn't it? Santa Claus bring it for Christmas? I got a fire engine.

              Listen, mug. Do you know who I am?

              Don't tell me. Are you animal or vegetable? Animal.

              - Get this. I'm Alky Briggs. - And I'm the fellow who talks so much.

              Fancy meeting you here after all these drinks.

              - Wait a minute. - Sorry, I can't stay.

              The captain's waiting to chase me.

              You can stay, all right, until I finish with you.

              Alky, darling, please!

              Don't "darling" me. Get in that next room and stay there!

              Get in that next room.

              I'm not good enough for her, am I?

              Is there anything you've got to say before I drill you?

              - Yes, I'd like to ask you one question. - Go ahead.

              Do you think that girls think less of a boy if he lets himself be kissed?

              Don't you think that although girls go out with boys like me...

              they always marry the other kind?

              If you're gonna kill me, hurry up. I have to take my tonic at  :  .

              I can use a guy with your nerve.

              I think we could get along well together.

              Of course, the first year we might have our little squabbles.

              But, then, that's inevitable, don't you think?

              And what do you want here?

              I was just looking for him.

              Do you know this guy?

              I've known him for years. He used to live in the next barrel to me.

              I see. The stowaways.

              I can help you bozos.

              - Mr. Bozos to you. - All right, Mr. Bozo. And you can help me.

              I'm shorthanded, and I want to get a guy on this boat.

              It's too late to get him on now. Should've said so before we sailed.

              Listen. This is a map of B Deck. There's Joe Helton's stateroom.

              And he's a tough egg. And you're coming with me...

              while I have it out with Joe.

              Do you know who Joe Helton is?

              I think I'll get off this boat until this blows over.

              If you know what's good for you, you'll stick with me.

              You keep the windows covered while I go in. Now, move!

              [Children chattering]

              [Horn tooting]

              [Harpo whistling]

              [Frog croaking]

              [Harpo whistling a soft tune]

              What is the idea of this?

              It's all right. I make a move for you.

              MAN  : This is an outrage! MAN  : I'll call the captain!

              - The captain don't play chess. - Purser!

              - Steward! Come here. - Too much noise here for us.

              We better go someplace where it's quiet.

              [Knock on door]

              Come in.

              BELLBOY: Your cigars, sir. JOE: Thanks.

              Wait a minute.

              Thank you, sir.

              Dad, now look at you. You aren't even dressed yet.

              You can do all the dressing for the family, Mary.

              Old Joe Helton is taking things easy for the rest of his life.

              We're big shots now, baby.

              [Knock on door]

              Come in.

              - Hello, Joe. - Hello, Briggs. What do you want?

              I just wanted to have a friendly talk.

              I'm sort of worried about business.

              Step in the other room, baby.

              - But, Dad... - Run along, honey.

              Your kid?

              She's cute, isn't she?

              I don't think we've got anything to talk about. Get out.

              Not before I get your okay on my gang.

              - I'm not doing you any favours. - Yes, you are.

              You're gonna sign this.

              [Dog barking]

              I'm taking over your territory, or there's gonna be trouble.

              I'm taking no sides.

              You'll have to fight it out with Butch and the gang.

              I'm stepping into your shoes as boss.

              I'm not backing up any small-time chiseller.

              ALKY: Don't put on the Ritz with me.

              JOE: Don't get cocky with me, Briggs.

              ALKY: I'm talking turkey.

              You can't make all the dough and then run out on your pals.

              I'm not taking orders from a mug like you!


              So that's your answer? Here's mine!

              [Horn tooting]

              So you got your gang with you? I'll get you later.

              Who are you guys?

              What are you doing in my room?

              That's my partner, but he no speak. He's dumb and deaf.

              [Horn tooting]

              [Joe chuckles]

              You guys don't know it, but you just scared a pretty tough egg out of this room.

              Sure, we're a couple of tough guys.

              - Do you want to make some money? - Money?

              [Chico guffaws]

              Money? Feel this muscle. Feel his muscle.

              All right. How much you pay?

              Just how tough are you?

              You pay little bit, we're little bit tough.

              You pay very much, very much tough.

              You pay too much, we're too much tough.

              - How much you pay? - I pay plenty.

              Then we're plenty tough. And we show you, too.

              Partner, show him how tough we are.

              See? That's nothing. That's free. Now we give you the real stuff this time.

              CHICO: Come on. Put some pep in it.

              The one-two uppercut. You know, on the button.

              No downstairs button. Upstairs button.

              That's fine. That's good, all right.

              I tell him you're tough, and you punch like a lily. What's a matter?

              You wanna lose this job? Give him the stuff this time.

              Excuse me, boss. He can do much better...

              but he no work good today.

              He no get paid. When he get paid, you watch him.

              Come on. This time we give him the works. Come on. Hurry up.

              On the button this time. Come on, I tell you. On the button.

              CHICO: Hurry up. Give me the punch. Come on.

              CHICO: All right.

              Come on! Punch!

              [Frog croaking]

              That's enough. Wait.

              - What do you think of us? - You're great.

              Not so loud. You want him to get a swell head?

              You guys are plenty tough, all right.

              I'm spying on you.

              You're just the fellows I need. You're hired.

              CHICO: We're great, huh? JOE: You're great.

              CHICO: My partner? JOE: He's great.

              My grandfather's great. He's a great-grandfather.

              When Helton comes out of his room, plug him.

              - What'll we plug him with? - Didn't I give you two gats?

              We had to drown the gat, but we saved you a little black gitten.

              Here, take these, and hang onto them now.

              Don't leave me for a minute.

              And keep your eye on that guy that just went out of here.

              You understand.

              Anybody come near the boss, let him have it.

              You're all right now, boss.

              Anybody comes near you... What's a matter with you? Look out.

              That's all right. He was just practicing.

              Get out.

              Now I can take a walk out on deck and feel safe. Come on. Let's go.

              There he comes now. Get him.

              Don't worry. We'll get him. I've got my finger on the trigger.

              Hey, don't forget.

              Anybody comes near the boss, let him have it.

              [Chico laughs]

              It's the boss. He's got a disguise.

              Take off the whiskers. We know you.

              [Screams] What do you mean?


              Why didn't you get him? Not afraid, are you?

              Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight...

              in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid.

              - So... - Hello. How are things in the closet?

              You know, I still smell of mothballs.

              I don't want to talk to you.

              [Groucho humming dramatic dance music]

              So here you are, loafing around with these tramps.

              I came down to see Joe Helton.

              - Don't you think we'd better go? - What?

              And leave this woman alone with her husband?

              Suppose her sweetheart came in.

              Alky Briggs, don't think you can keep me cooped up in that stateroom.

              Because you're crazy!

              You'll stay down there and keep out of my business.

              Do you understand?

              - Keep out of my business. - Your turn.

              You were going to show me a good time. A good time!

              I might as well have stayed home and played solitaire!

              Your turn.

              Pipe down. I've more important things than you to worry about.

              Your turn.

              You say that again and I'll scratch your eyes out!

              You take this gun. You're gonna need it more than I will.

              Oh, you!

              [Woman screams]

              Just the man I wanna see. If I show you how to save   %...

              would you be interested? Of course you would.

              First, your overhead is too high and your brow is too low.

              Interested already, aren't you? Wait till I get through.

              - I haven't got time. - Two fellows are trying to attack you...

              and two fellows are trying to defend you. Now, that's   % waste.

              Why can't you be attacked by your bodyguards?

              Your life will be saved, and that's    % waste. Now what have you got?

              Me, and I'll attack you for nothing.

              - What are you getting at? - I anticipated that.

              How does an army travel? On its stomach. And you? On a ship.

              Of course, you're saving your stomach.

              - The same common sense... - I don't think you realise...

              I realise it's a penny here and there, but look at me.

              I've worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty. What do you say?

              - I'll tell you what I say... - Then it's all settled.

              I'm to be your new bodyguard. In case I attack you...

              I'll be there to defend you, too.

              When you want to be attacked, I'll defend you    minutes later.

              I've already got two bodyguards, but I'll think it over.

              [Harpo whistling a soft tune]

              - Thank you. - You're welcome.

              - What's the matter with you? - I've got a frog in my throat.

              - What? - A frog in my throat.

              - You've got a frog in your throat. - Yes.

              You can't do that to my customers! Cut it out!

              Say, what's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something?

              [Frog croaking]

              [Harpo whistling for frog]

              [Ship's horn blowing]

              Have your landing cards and passports ready, please.

              - How do you do, Madame Swempski? - Hello, boys.

              - Any statement for the press? - No, I'm afraid not.

              Nothing of interest on this tour.

              Is it true the opera is on the decline in Central Europe?


              I predict they're going to have the greatest year they've ever had.

              Is it true that you're gonna get married again while on this tour?

              - Gentlemen, I don't know what to say. - Gentlemen, I'd say just this.

              The bicycle will never replace the horse.

              But, the horse will never replace the bicycle...

              which is quite a horse on the bicycle if I ever saw one, and I never did.

              I dare you to print that, you muckrakers.

              - Have a cigar, babe. - Okay for the picture, Joe.

              Pictures? Here's a little sex stuff for your front page.

              Now, hold it steady, please.

              [Horn tooting]

              You can say it was a real love match. We married for money.

              Eh, my shrinking violet? It won't hurt you to shrink    or    pounds.

              You impudent cad!

              - I'll report you to your paper. - Let me do the reporting.

              Is it true you'll get a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his sight?

              Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth?

              - Is it true you danced in a flea circus? - This is outrageous!

              - lf you don't stop, I'll call the captain. - So that's it.

              Infatuated with a pretty uniform. We don't count.

              We gave you our best years, now you want an officer.

              I don't like this innuendo.

              That's what I always say, love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

              Good-bye. It's nice to have seen you, but I've got nobody to blame but myself.

              REPORTER: Could you tell me... SWEMPSKl: Please...

              You're awfully glum.

              I was just thinking, after the boat lands, I may never see you again.

              Does it matter to you whether you ever see me again?

              I can't think of anything in the world that matters more.

              Mary, I'll never leave you.

              [Soft romantic instrumental music]

              SAILOR: Tag.

              SAILOR: Tag.

              Wait a minute!

              I'm just trying to sneak off the boat, that's all.

              I'm looking for the man who owns...

              Where's your passport?

              GROUCHO: Wait a minute. Let me handle this.

              I don't like to speak about it, Officer, but I happen to be...

              a good friend of the meat supplier to this boat.

              - Well? - Well, do you like lamb chops?

              - Yes, what of it? - This man doesn't handle lamb chops.

              But the roast beef is very good today.

              You fellows can't get off the boat without showing passports.

              Get on back there at the end of the line and get your passports open.

              CAPTAIN: Go on. Get back there.

              Stuffed shirt. When he said that to me...

              you could've knocked me over with a feather.

              He gives you service.


              It looks like we're up against it. It's up to you to get us a passport.

              I got you, didn't I?

              Well, you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning to steal from me.

              He did get up early this morning, but you weren't here. Perhaps tomorrow?

              Well, come on. Let's try another one.

              What's the idea, putting your hand in my pocket?

              Just a little mistake.

              I had a suit that looked just like that and I thought those were my pants.

              How could they be yours, when I've got them on?

              This suit had two pairs of pants.

              Better keep your hands to yourself.

              Do you know who's on this boat? Maurice Chevalier, the movie actor.

              - I just ran into him. - Did you hurt him?

              - How do you know it was Chevalier? - I got his passport right there.

              Now he can't get off the boat.

              Hey, he looks like Chevalier. And I can look like Chevalier.

              - I certainly look like Chevalier. - But that's not enough.

              You have to sing his song to get off this boat.

              [Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you

              They'd sing much better than you do

              Dandy. Sing like that, they'll throw us all off the boat.

              - Well, let's try it. - All right. Come on.

              Have your passports ready. Straight out...

              you'll find the baggage on the deck.

              Have your passports ready.

              Keep in line, everybody.    .

              INSPECTOR: Keep in line, everybody. Have your passports ready.

              INSPECTOR:     .

              [All talking indistinctly]

              INSPECTOR: Never mind. Hey, if you want to get off the boat...

              - get in the back. - Oh, I didn't get on in the back.

              - I got on in the front. - Never mind that.

              INSPECTOR: Leave them alone. ZEPPO: You're right...

              - I told them to stay in line. - Yeah? Show me your passport.

              - Yeah, right here. That's my name. - Maurice Chevalier?


              - This picture doesn't look like you. - Sure, I'm Maurice Chevalier.

              I'll sing for you.

              [Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you

              They'd sing much better than they do

              Here, never mind that.

              Get back in line where you belong.

              I was ahead of you!

              INSPECTOR: Your passport.

              Let me have your passport. This picture doesn't look like you.

              It don't look like me from the front, but go in the back of the boat, just like me.

              You're not Maurice Chevalier.

              - Are you Maurice Chevalier? - No.

              Well, there you are. Wait. I prove it.

              [Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you

              He sing much better than you do and


              - No push me! - Get out of here!

              Get back in line where you belong. Passport!

              - This picture doesn't look like you. - It doesn't look like you either.

              - This man has no moustache. - The barbershop wasn't open.

              - Why, look at that face. - Well, look at that face.

              Hey, are you going to identify yourself, or else...

              [Singing] If a nightingale could sing like you

              They'd sing much sweeter than they do

              For you brought a new kind of love to me

              Out! Back in line where you belong!

              OFFICER  : Get off there!

              OFFICER  : Get off the table! OFFICER  : What do you think this is here?

              OFFICER  : Put that down! OFFICER  : Lunatic!

              OFFICER  : Stop that! OFFICER  : You want to break that?

              OFFICER  : Here, let it alone!

              Passport. I said passport, not pasteboard.

              Come on with that passport! Not washboard!


              INSPECTOR: Chevalier?


              If a nightingale could sing like you

              They'd sing much sweeter than they do

              For you brought a new kind of love to me

              [Record garbling]

              And if the sandman brought me dreams of you

              I'd want to dream my whole life through

              For you brought a new kind of love to me

              INSPECTOR: Get him out of here!

              - Put him back there where he belongs! - Take it easy, folks.

              The gangplank is to the left, please. Don't crowd. Don't crowd.

              - Take your time. Ladies first. - Let me off the boat. I'm a sick man.

              - I feel faint. - I don't care, take your time.

              I tell you, I feel faint. I'm going to faint.

              SWEMPSKl: Someone get a doctor! MAN: Somebody fainted.

              Where's a doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!

              She's sick. We'll take care of you. Look, she's got a chill, cover her up.

              No, get off. Take her pulse.

              No purse, put it back. Pulse. I think you best take her temperature.

              That's good, we'll take care of you, lady.

              All right.

              You fools, I'm not the patient.

              We're not the doctor. Come on.

              Doctor! Is there a doctor on the boat?


              - Are you a doctor? - Sure, I'm a doctor. Where's the horse?

              - A man fainted over here. - Man fainted? I'll soon fix him.

              Just my hard luck it couldn't be a woman.

              MAN: Here's the doctor.

              Just as I thought, smoking too much.

              Here he is here, Doctor.

              Don't tell me. I'll find him myself.

              [People murmuring]

              I can't do anything for that man. He's fainted.

              What he needs is an ocean voyage.

              In the meantime, get him off the boat and have his baggage examined.

              MAN: Gangway!

              You all get close so he won't recover.

              Right this way, please. Step right around here.

              OFFICER: Step lively down there.

              Back that ambulance in here!

              [Women exclaim in surprise]


              Helton's throwing his party tonight, and this time we blow the works.

              Now, you guys are going in as musicians.

              And stay that way until I give you the office.

              Say, what about those four guys in the house?

              The ones you said were on the boat.

              Don't worry about them. They eat out of my hand.

              The thing for you to worry about is that girl. Keep your eye on her. Get me?

              That ought be easy to take.


              Sit tight and I'll give you a call.

              [Band playing upbeat music]

              Have you guys got an invitation?

              We give you invitation of Chevalier.

              [Singing] When the nightingale sings like you

              Cut it out! And stay away from this door, see?

              ZEPPO: Mary?

              You certainly had me worried. I thought you'd forgotten your own party.

              You haven't been doing all the worrying. I was afraid you wouldn't come.

              My, but, there are a lot of strange-looking people here.

              [Band continues playing upbeat music]

              Ladies and gentlemen! Quiet, everybody.

              A lady's diamond earring has been lost. It looks exactly like this.

              In fact, this is it.

              I beg your pardon!

              How about you and I passing out on the veranda?

              Or would you rather pass out here?

              Sir, you have the advantage of me.

              Not yet, but wait till I get you outside.

              You're pretty fresh, aren't you?

              That's my wife and I don't like the way you're acting here.

              If you don't like our country, go back where you came from.

              I should sink that right in your scalp.

              - Run for your life! The Indians are coming! - What?

              Put your scalp in your pocket. Here. The Indians.

              [Groucho whooping]

              - Come here. - I'll get him.

              [Groucho whooping]

              Have a good time, kid. This is going to be a real party.

              Is this a party? The beer is warm, the women are cold...

              and I'm hot under the collar.

              In fact, a more poisonous little barbecue I've never attended.

              You're a funny kind of a duck, but I like you.

              You stuck by me, and I'll stick by you.

              Sheriff, I ain't much on flowery sentiments...

              but there's something I just got to tell you.

              Shucks, man, I'd be nothing but a poisonous varmint...

              and not fit to touch the hem of your pants...

              if I didn't tell you you've treated me square, mighty square...

              and I ain't forgetting.

              Sheriff, I ain't forgetting.

              [Groucho imitating a horse neighing]

              GROUCHO: Whoa, there, Bossie. Whoa, there!

              [Groucho imitating horse hooves clattering]

              [Guests applauding]

              My friends, this is indeed a surprise.

              You couldn't have pleased me better.

              I want you to meet the sweetest little thing in the whole wide world.

              [Guests applauding]

              [Dramatic instrumental music]

              [Horn tooting]

              GROUCHO: Hey. WAITER: Yes, sir?

              No, it's special for Mr. Helton, sir.

              You see this?

              Come back in a half hour, and I'll give you another look at it.

              Listen. Keep your eye on Helton.

              We're gonna grab his daughter and take her to the old barn.

              Old barn? A fine tinhorn sport you are.

              With all the good shows in town, taking a girl to an old barn!

              Once we get a hold of that girl, he'll take orders from me.

              - I'll show him... - Enough small talk.

              - Where's your wife, Lucille? - Would you...

              Someone's coming. I'll be back.

              Be back next Thursday, and bring a specimen of your handwriting.

              And, above all, don't worry.

              [lmitating cat meowing]

              What brought you here?

              It's midsummer madness. The music is in my temples...

              the hot blood of youth. Come, Kapellmeister. Let the violas throb.

              My regiment leaves at dawn.

              [Slow-paced lively instrumental music]

              I guess my regiment can go without me.

              No, don't, my husband might be inside.

              If he finds me out here, he'll wallop me.

              Always thinking of your husband. Couldn't I wallop you just as well?

              I heard Alky talking about this party.

              I've dreamed of a night like this, I tell you.

              You tell me about some of your dreams.

              Dreams? I can't even sleep anymore, wondering who he's chasing around with.

              Why can't we break away from all this, just you and I...

              and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.

              No, I couldn't think of it.

              Don't be afraid. You can join this lodge for a few pennies.

              You won't even have to take a physical examination...

              unless you insist on one.

              What a swell home life I've got.

              Why, I think I'd almost marry you to spite that double-crossing crook.

              Mrs. Briggs...

              I've known and respected your husband Alky for many years...

              and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.


              Henry, carefully, somebody may see us.

              I've been careful too long.

              Now that you've brought it up, how long have you been careful?

              - They saw us! - Be calm, Emily. I'll talk to them.

              You won't say anything about this?

              Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?

              But you don't understand. You see, I'm not happy with my husband.

              He should've married some little housewife.

              Madam, I resent that. Some of my best friends are housewives.

              [Clears throat]

              Now, see here, if you're going to...

              You're living in a fool's paradise.

              You intend to spend $   to buy this woman a ring? Look at this.

              It's solid brass and $ .   takes it away.

              I know it'll fit her. I got it from the nose of a savage.

              Well? $ .  . You can have it for $ .

              Fifty cents and not a nickel under.

              Now, my friends, what am I offered for this fine French piece of bric-a-brac?

              I know what it is to be unhappy.

              How do you think I feel? I'm stuck with this ring.

              I've been married for four years, four years of neglect...

              four years of battling, four years of heartbreaks.

              That makes    years. You must've been married in rompers.

              Mighty pretty country around there. Do you think you'll ever go back?

              Come here, babe. I like you.

              I shouldn't. What about my husband?

              That's all right. Maybe we can get a girl for him.

              Who was that? My wife?

              Married to her    years and you ask me?

              What're you doing here? I told you to spy on Helton.

              - I did spy on him. - What was he doing?

              - He was spying on me. - Did he see you?

              No. I was too foxy for him. All he could do was spy on me.

              Well, get back in there. We're all set to cop his girl.

              Okay, chief.

              [Girl screaming]

              They got some good stuff outside. You want a drink?

              Ready, boys? Let's go.

              [Band playing slow music]

              [Playing upbeat music]

              [Playing intense upbeat music]

              Beat you that time.

              [Playing rhythmic music]

              [Continues playing rhythmic music]

              - Very swell. Let me get you some punch. - I'd love it.

              Just what I needed.

              [Band playing upbeat music]

              Well, how's it coming, kid?

              - Got everything you want? - Sure, how about a job for my grandfather?

              JOE: Your grandfather, what does he do?

              He puts cheese in the mousetraps.

              Why, we haven't got any mice here.

              He brings his own mice with him.

              [Joe laughs]

              You know, Mary, everyone seems to be having nearly as much fun as I am.

              I beg your pardon, but there's someone to see you, Miss Helton.

              - Pardon me, and I'll hurry right back. - Surely.

              [Harpo whistles]

              No, you're wrong, girls, you're wrong.

              In the first place, Gary Cooper is much taller than I am.

              I wish you'd announce this singer. I can't make out the name.

              Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to announce...

              that the buffet will be served in the next room in five minutes.

              To get you in that room quickly...

              Mrs. Schmalhausen will sing a soprano solo in this room.

              [Singing a slow opera song]

              [Girl screams]

              [Schmalhausen continues singing slow opera song]

              [Schmalhausen singing high-pitched finale]

              That's no good. You wanna get thrown out again?

              Play something nice. I tell you what you play.


              [Chico humming upbeat tune]

              [Harpo whistling upbeat tune]

              That's it.

              That's beautiful. That's magnifico. I like that.

              [Playing upbeat music]

              [Continues playing upbeat music]

              [Plays fast-paced upbeat music]

              [Guests applauding]

              Mary! They've kidnapped her!

              ZEPPO: Who's been kidnapped?

              Mary, my daughter! Do something!

              But who could've done it?

              It's that Alky Briggs! You saw them drag her into the car.

              Where did they take her?

              First, they blindfolded me and then they...

              Of course, they took her to the barn.

              Fellows, let's all pack up a lunch and go down to the old barn.

              Fred, you go down to the North Road. Jack, you head down by Front Street.

              I'll go pick up a couple of the boys.

               And I'll take care of picking up a couple of dames.

                Women? This is no time for women.

                GROUCHO: On to the barn!

                Gee, I wish I had a horse.

                ALKY: Hurry it up, boys.

                MAN: Come on.

                Let me go!

                No use yelling, kid. Nobody will hear you in here.

                You wait till my father hears about this!

                He's gonna hear about it because I'm gonna tell him myself.

                Take it easy!

                You're not going anyplace. Don't get all excited. Come on.

                You take your hands off of me!

                Listen, kid. Nobody's gonna hurt you.

                You'll be out in an hour if your dad comes through.

                Butch, you take care of the girl while I telephone Joe. Come on, you guys.

                [Mary screaming]

                You take your hands off of me!

                Now, make yourself at home, but shut up!

                DRIVER: $ .  . GROUCHO: Here's $ . Keep the change.

                DRIVER: But I said $ .  . GROUCHO: Give me $ . I'll keep the change.

                That's a half a dollar I owe you.

                You call this a barn? This looks like a stable.

                It looks like a barn but smells like a stable.

                Well, let's just look at it.

                Get out of here!

                Have you got a girl in that hayloft?

                BUTCH: No!

                You're a bigger fool than I thought.

                Beat it, I tell you!

                - What'd you say? - I said beat it!

                GROUCHO: Pardon me. What did you say? BUTCH: I said beat it!

                He said beat it.

                Gee, I wish I'd said that. Everybody's repeating it.

                I'm coming down there and get you!

                Don't bother. We'll come right up.

                Come on. I'm going in to get him.

                [Hens clucking]

                [Cow mooing]

                Here we are at the old barn, all set for a nice picnic lunch.

                Gosh, the picnic is off, we haven't got any red ants.

                I know an Indian who's got a couple of Red aunts.

                Don't you think we'd better go look for the girl?

                Let's wait till we eat, there's hardly enough lunch for two.

                I don't see why she couldn't get kidnapped near a restaurant.

                Some dark night, I think I'll come and lay for you if the hens don't get sore.


                Go over to that filling station and get some milk. Grade-A.

                Well, come on. Where's the milk?

                There's a customer ahead of me.


                - What are you doing here? - What are we doing?

                What about you, kidnapping a girl? Old-fashioned piece of melodrama...

                kidnapping a girl! You've been reading too many dime novels.

                Go on. You get him. I'll wait for you outside.

                Keep out of this loft!

                It's better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all.

                - Nice work. - Beat it, or I'll throw you out!

                [Hens clucking frantically]

                CHICO: Take your face out of my foot! BUTCH: I gotcha!

                So, thought we were afraid? Thought we were afraid, did you?

                BUTCH: Now I'm gonna give it to you guys right!

                [Mary screaming]

                [Cow mooing]

                Butch! What happened?


                You, get out of that loft!

                [Mary screaming]

                Butch, what happened?

                Come up here, Butch.

                Where's all those farmers' daughters I've been hearing about for years?

                Why don't you boys fight over there? You want to break my glasses?

                Come on, folks. Step right up.

                Only    cents a chance. Attaboy! Here you are.

                Ten cents gets you in the only game in the stable.

                Let's see. Number    wins. And the lucky number.

                There you are, young man. Sorry you didn't get a better one.

                CHICO: Here we go!

                Let's see what comes up. Well, if he isn't the lucky guy. Double  .

                Two shots for the price of one. Folks, this is the best game in all...

                You're a mother, you understand. How would you like to have somebody...

                steal one of your heifers? I know, heifer cow is better than none...

                but this is no time for puns. Get in that battle over there.

                Here we are again at the ringside, and it looks like a great battle.

                Now the boys are locked in the centre of the ring.

                What a grudge fight. Zowie! Zowie! Zowie!

                That makes three zowies, and a man gets a base on balls.

                Ending of the first inning. No runs, no errors, but plenty of hits.

                [Exclaims in mock joy]

                This program comes to you courtesy of the Golden Goose Furniture Company...

                with three stores:    th Street,    th Street and    th Street.

                You furnish the girl, we tar and feather your nest.

                Look for our advertisement in today's ash can.

                Now the boys are at it in the centre of the ring! Oh! That one hurt!

                Come on, you palookas! Stop stalling! Oh, mama, if I only had my youth again.

                [Bells clanking]

                Round two.

                Both boys are fiddling in the ring, and I don't think much of the tune.

                Briggs is bobbing and weaving.

                It's nice work if you can get it. Now they're trying. Very trying.

                I copped that one from an almanac.

                Now they're in the centre of the ring, and the crowd hurrahs.

                [Cow mooing]

                Oh, Dad!

                Are you all right, honey?

                [Bells clanking]

                Good boy. Remember, old Joe Helton never forgot a friend.

                This is one job that certainly was a pleasure.

                - What are you doing? - I'm looking for a needle in a hay stack.

                [Upbeat instrumental music]




Special help by SergeiK