Monster In Law Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Monster In Law script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Monster In Law. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Monster In Law Script



  You thought you had

found a good girl  



  One to love you

and give you the world  



  Now you find

that you've been misused  



  Talk to me,

I'll do what you choose  



  I want you to  



  Tell Mama  



  All about it  



  Tell Mama  



  What you need  



  Tell Mama  



  What you want  



  And I'll make everything

all right  



  That girl you had

didn't have no sense  



  She wasn't worth

all the time that you spent  



  She had another man

throw you outdoors  



  Now the same man

is wearing your clothes  



  I want you

to tell Mama  



  Tell Mama  



  What you want  



  And I'll make everything

all right...  



Hi, it's Charlie.

Leave a message.



Hi, Charlie. It's Carol

from the LA Temp Agency.



Listen, Dr. Batel's office needs you

for tomorrow. Is that okay?



Let me know. Bye.



Good morning, neighbor.




Help yourself.



Oh, thanks.

I was out of everything.



Aw, why do I even bother?



You know, Remy, I gave you

that key for emergencies.



Extreme emergencies.



It was.

I needed caffeine.



I don't know.

This is good. I'd even wear it.



Good, 'cause I've got to go.

I'm late for my first client.



But you stay,

have breakfast, take a shower.



Go through my drawers.



  Tell Mama  



  All about it  



  Tell Mama  



  What you want  



  Tell Mama...  



- Hey, Charlie.

- Morning.



- Are the boys ready?

- Dragon! Zorro!




There are my boys.



Come on. Yay.



- See you later!

- Bye!



- Be good, boys!

- Whoa! Slow down!



  Tell Mama

all about it  



  Tell Mama

what you need...  



"Romance is in the air today.



No one can resist

your obvious charms."



Well, Otis, your horoscope

seems accurate.



Stop it.

Come on.



Let's read mine.




"Do not leave your house today."

Too late.



"And stop looking so hard.

Love is right in front of you."




What's wrong?



I ordered a nonfat latte.

I can taste the fat.



I would be happy

to change it for you, sir.



Can't you even make a friggin' cup

of coffee? I can taste the fat.



How hard it is to make

a friggin' cup of coffee?



I can make another one

for you if you'd like. I'd be happy



- to exchange it for you, sir.

- Hello? It's okay.



- You've done enough, thanks.

- I'm sorry.






- Have a good one.

- Thanks, girl!



- Oh, sorry.

- Oh, I'm sorry.









I don't know how

to read tarot cards.



- Why am I in the cards?

- Come on, just try.



Okay, well, this crazy old lady

keeps coming up.



The knight

in shining armor.



- Mmm! That's mine.

- No no no. What?



- I saw this guy twice today.

- That guy?



Two times in one day.

That's got to be a sign, right?



Mm, a sign.



Yeah, okay. What did he say

when you talked to him?



I didn't talk to him.



Well, are you sure

he saw you?




I mean, I think so.



Okay, honey,

we're worried about you



because you're turning

into a little bit of a freak.



Yeah, we think

it's from not having sex.



- Exactly.

- Look, just because...



I haven't been in

a relationship in a while



doesn't mean

I'm miserable.



I just want a sweet guy,



you know, a guy

who's strong but still...



...opens a door

once in a while.



And who notices

things and...



you know, maybe

makes a difference.



Maybe he completes you.






You complete me.



Oh, sorry.



Dr. Batel's office.

Hi, Mrs. Reynolds.



- Go to Grandma's, tell her

I'll be home late.



- I still have stitches to do...

- Yeah, can you please hold?



I'll see you

at home.



You know what? You go ahead.

I can do that for you.



- Oh thank you, Charlie. You're a doll.

- No problem.



Hey, George.



- How're you doing, Charlie?

- Good.



- What do you got there?

- The doctor asked me



to bring it from home.



Whew! Okay!



All right. The doctor

will be right with you.



  I said "Leap into

my arms, babe"  



- Thank you.

-   Come on, dive into the stove...  



We're here!



Thank God

you guys are here.



I am down two girls

tonight. Here.



- Sorry, that's all I got left.

- Sweet.



Wow. You know, I love that I am

now comfortable enough with my sexuality



- to wear something like this, you know?

- Looks good on you.



- Hey, what's up?

- Take off the apron now.



- Sorry.

- Where do we start?



Okay, uh, hand out

these shrimp balls.



There has got to be

a better name for those.



- I don't think it's that bad of a name.

- What's wrong with the name?



  I said, I say,

sometimes we look back...  



- Oh my God, that's him.

- Whoa! Who? Who?



The guy I ran into.

He's here.



- Where?

- What?



That is three times in two days.

What are the chances of that?



- Um, like, none.

- That's Dr. Fields.



This is his party. He just moved

back from San Francisco.



- Really?

- Yeah.



Well, you're right.

He is hot.




with disaster  



  You're the one

I'm after  



  I think I've found

my destiny  



  I can fly  



  On the wings

of my heart  



  Deep inside  



  I've been falling apart  






  There's a magic in you  



  And I'll be  



-   Under your spell...  

- Here's the best part.



The guy then goes

into cardiac arrest,



Kevin performs CPR

on the guy,



saves his life again.




Disgusting, isn't he?



No, you are amazing.






Excuse me?



W-wait wait wait.

What do we have there?



Oh, um, balls.



Uh, shrimp balls.



Um, shrimp in...






I'm sorry,



but we're not really

into fish genitalia.



Yeah, okay.



Was she really listening

to our conversation?



Excuse me.



Wait a second.



Um, so I know two things

about you... you work in catering,



and you have a lot of dogs.



Oh, that... no.



Uh, I'm a dog walker.



I'm not some crazy dog-lady

with       dogs.



- That's why.

- And I'm sorry about before.



I didn't mean

to be eavesdropping.



Well, you're right.

You shouldn't have.



You should have stayed

and talked to me.



Well, your girlfriend

seemed pretty offended.



Oh no, that's...

that's not my girlfriend.



I-I don't have a...

I'm sing...



I don't have

a girlfriend.









Nothing. Um, I'm Charlie.

Charlotte, but Charlie.



Well, I'm... I'm Kevin.



- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.






What? What does

"uh-oh" mean?



It looks like someone else

is mowing your lawn, Fiona.



I'm gonna go

destroy these.



Excuse me.

I'll see you guys.



Oh, my shoes

are killing me



which means

they must look fabulous.



Can I get you anything?



One of him on a platter.



Such a waste.



What's a waste?



Oh, you didn't know?



Kevin's gay.



- What?

- Yeah.



That's Kit, the groom.



Or maybe he's the bride.

I can't remember



which one's the top

and which one's the bottom.



Yeah, they're getting married

next Christmas in Maui.



I didn't get that vibe.



Trust me.






Look at

that dude's arms!



I used to have

such good gaydar.



Oh, you're home.

Thank God.



- I'm exhausted.

- What did you do today?



- Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.

- Went to the post office.



Uh, hi, Charlie.



- This is Kevin Fields.

- That's him.



I don't know if you remember me

from the party the other night,



but I was just calling,

uh, to see if, um,



maybe... maybe you wanted

to walk my dog.



What? No!



Hang up the phone.



No, actually, you can't,

because I don't have a dog.



So maybe you could

walk me.



Hang it up.



All right, you know,

I'm-I'm gonna go now.



Call me at    -    

and ask for Dr. Fields.



Okay, thanks. Bye.



Oh man, that was...

that was horrible.



Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath

for a callback on that.



Yeah, she'll call me back

if she wants to walk an idiot.



Yeah, I'm not going

to disagree with you.



So takeout

or raid your fridge?



Here we go.



Take it easy, Lilly.









You never called me back so I figured

I would bring the coffee to you.






Um, look, I think you're

a really nice guy and everything,



but I don't know why

you called me.



- Hmm?

- I'm a woman.



Yeah, I love that fact.



Have you ever been

with a woman?



Excuse me?



I mean, have you only

ever been with men?




What are you talking...



whoa whoa whoa.

Wait a minute, I'm not gay.



- You're not?

- No.



No, I like women.

Lots of... no, not lots of women,



but you know what I mean.



Why did you think

I was gay?






Okay, I got to go now.



Wait wait.

Wait wait wait.



Okay, I'll prove to you

that I'm not gay.



Let me take you out on Friday night.

We'll watch the playoffs,



I'll order a pizza,

I'll completely ignore you.



Give me one good reason.



'Cause I'm different.






Okay, what color

are my eyes?



Well, at first glance,

your eyes are brown.



But when the light hits them

they change to amber.



And if you look really closely around the

iris the color is pure honey.



But when you look

into the sun



they almost look green.



That's my favorite.



How did I do?



I would've settled

for brown.



- Okay!

- Peanut, let go!



Off! Off!



I'm sorry he bit you.



I mean, they all have their shots

so it should be fine.



Seriously, don't worry about it.

It barely broke the skin.



- Outside.

- Did you just move in or something?



No, I've been here

a year and a half.



Oh, nice place.



I should have some hydrogen peroxide

around here somewhere.



What is all this stuff?



Oh, I'm a yoga instructor.



- This?

- And a Little League coach.



And a dog walker

and a caterer.



I told you I'm a temp.



That is not true.

She is an incredibly talented artist.



- Remy! Remy!

- I mean, look at her sketchbook.



- She hides it right under there.

- Remy!






He's not...



- Are you all right?

- Yeah. Yeah, thank you.



Found it!



So you're an artist, too?



Uh, I like to dabble

in a lot of different things.



I mean, life's too short

to live the same day twice, right?



Yeah. That's a good

philosophy to live by.



My dad always used

to say that. Come on.



- Used to?

- Oh, yeah,



- my parents died when I was little.

- Oh, I'm sorry.



That's okay.

It was a really long time ago.



- You ready?

- Yeah... I mean,



it's a little embarrassing.

I'm the doctor.



I'm the one who's supposed

to look at the... ah! Ow!



- Oh my God. I'm sorry!

- I'm just kidding.



I never get to do that.



Okay, because the cut is,

like, three inches higher.






- Do you need my phone?

- Oh, no thanks.



It's just my mom. And it's only

her second page of the day.



She's just getting started.



- Well, you're all set.

- Thank you.



So, do you think, uh...



we could do this again sometime,

maybe without the biting?



Yeah, that would be nice.



- Heard from Kevin yet?

- Not yet. I've paged him.



Would you page

him again?



- Good morning, Stan.

- Good morning.



- You're in a good mood.

- The last time the network executives



came to my dressing room

I got my own show and a big fat raise.



- Yeah and I had to start kissing your...

- Viola Fields? Oh my God!



It is such an honor

to meet you.



Oh thank you, darling.



Would you mind

just signing this autograph?



For my grandmother.



I'd love to.



You know what else

I'd love?



I'd love you to get me a latte.

Do you mind?



- Okay.

- Thanks, hon.



Hi, guys.

How are you?



That woman is a legend.



Shouldn't you be

getting the latte?



I just can't believe

they picked me to replace her.



Oh, shit!



I-I've been replaced?



I'm so sorry, Viola.




I'm fine.



I mean, you've had

an amazing career, Viola.



It's just that we're trying to appeal

to a younger demographic.



I'm fine.



I'm fine.



God damn!

Get my manager on the phone!



And then I'm gonna call

the head of the...



Uh, we're on in two minutes.



- Okay.

- Will you get her to come?



- Please!

- Okay, she'll be ready.



I'm ready.



 ... love got jeans

and a tee  



  Am I kinky or sweet?  



-   Take a look inside my makeup bag  

-   Ooh  



  If you wanna love me  



  How good or bad

I can be...  



- Are you okay?

- I'm great.



Hey, I've had

a great run.



I've done exclusives

with Kissinger, the Dalai Lama,



Muhammad Ali...



four sitting presidents...



three of them hit on me.



Five Emmys!



Now I'm being replaced

by a young thing



whose grandmother

loves me.



You know what

I'm gonna do?



I'm gonna finish out

my contract



and I'm gonna leave this show

with my dignity intact.



Okay, coming back

from commercial.



Three, cue announcer.



Today on "Public Intimacy,"



pop singing sensation

Tanya Murphy.



And now we're live

with Viola Fields.



Four, three, two...



Well, that was

very nice.



My goodness, you have a big voice

for such a tiny girl.



You're gonna miss

Viola Fields.



Have you always

been a singer?



Ever since I was

a child.



I would sing

in school plays, choirs.



- How old are you?

- I'll be    next month.



W-what do you do for fun?



I love watching

really old movies.



- They're my favorite.

- Really? Really, which ones?



Well, "Grease"

and "Grease II."



Um, "Benji."

I love "Benji."



"Free Willy," um...



"Legally Blonde,"



"The Little Mermaid."



- Oh.

- Yeah... oh, I know.



You ever read

a newspaper?






Viola, the girl

has stars on her nipples.



I don't have

much time for that.



So basically, you have absolutely

no idea what's going on in the world?



- Oh, l...

- And yet, you've sold



over five million albums... CDs,

to millions of kids



- who listen to your insipid lyrics.

- What is she doing?



"You want to know me,

look in my makeup bag."



You're influencing

an entire generation of kids



who won't know how

to think straight,



or vote for a president,



or remember the significance

of Roe versus Wade.



Oh! I don't support

boxing as a sport.



I think

it's too violent.



Y'all better get that

little girl out of there.



- Holy crap!

- Get us off the air!



- Quick!

- Go to commercial! Go to commercial!



Crazy bitch!

Get off me!



- Cut! Cut! Put in the Bow Flex tape!

- Get her off!



Juice Man, something!



Oh, I don't support

boxing as a sport.



I think

it's too violent.






I wanted you to take one last look

at the old Viola.



Oh, thank God

I've changed.






Well, just remember



the breakdown was

only a few months ago



so take it nice

and slow out there.



No stress.






In fact, I'm going

to take a vacation.



I've been promising my son

we'd go to Africa



since he was a little boy.



And I finally have

the time.



That's wonderful.



Not to worry,



I'm in complete control.



Ruby! Ruby,

my dear old friend.



Oh, I'm so happy

to see you.



Well, good,

they still have you medicated.



Ruby, I figured it out.



- Life, I mean.

- Oh, this ought to be good.



It's not about how many celebrities

I interview or what my ratings are.



- It's about relationships and family.

- Oh!



Me and my son.



Oh, I just spoke to Kevin.



- Did you get the tickets?

- Sure did. Right here.



He's going

to be so surprised.



Yeah, the three of you

should have a good time.



- Three?

- Yeah, uh, you, Kevin



- and his new girlfriend.

- New girlfriend?



That's a lovely surprise.



Is it?



Well, I mean,

it can't be too serious.



I've only been away

a few months.



Well, that's

the end of it.



Where do you want me

to put this?



Oh, under the bed.



Uh, you sure you don't want me

to put it by the door so you can



make a quick escape to the apartment you

still have for some reason?



Now come on. You agreed to me

subletting my apartment.



I would have agreed to anything

to get you to move in here.



Oh, these are great.

Are they new?



Oh, no!

You can't look at those!



- 'Cause they're not finished yet.

- Oh, sorry.



- Okay? Please?

- Okay.



Here, I'll put them back.



I forgot to tell you, we're having lunch

with my mom tomorrow.






Lt'll be fine.

I promise.



You want

to take a shower?






Yeah! Okay!



  It's just a ride,

it's just a ride  



  No need to run,

no need to hide  



  lt'll take you

round and round.  



All right, so tell me

about your dad.



Well, he died

when I was two.



But that was just

her first husband.



At the time she was

a freelance journalist



and then she married this guy

who was a network exec



and got her her first

on-air break,



but divorced him

for Alec Wrigley.



Wait, the actor?

I thought he was...



Oh, he was.

It lasted about two years



till she threw him out for sleeping

with her second husband.



Wait, how many times

has she been married?



- Well, four.

- Wow.



But, you know, her career

was always the main thing.



She just lived for it.

Well, her career and me, of course.



And, basically,

now I'm all she's got.



Here we are.



Oh, no.



Oh, playing dress-up,

are we?



- Shut up. Is that the Dalai Lama?

- Yeah.



- Oh my God, That can't be real.

- It is.



Did you know

all these people?



- Some of them.

- Kevin!



- Look at you, all handsome.

- Ruby!



Good to see you.



Yeah, you too.



Now, forget about

my mother.



This is the woman you need

to get through. Charlie, this is Ruby.



- Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.

- Oh, the pleasure's mine.



Uh, excuse us.

I've got to talk to him about a rash.



You're bringing a girl home

to meet your mother now?



Yeah, Ruby, I am.



The women is fresh off

the funny farm.



I mean, why don't you

come back, let's say... next spring?



Oh, the trees

will be blooming.



- It'll be so beautiful. She'll love it.

- How is she?



She's good.

The first thing she did



when she got home was make me

lock up all the booze.



It's Oprah!






Yeah, Oprah.



There's one in there

with the cast from "Good Times" too.



So how big is this place?



About four acres.

There's a tennis court,



two swimming pools,

indoor and outdoor... it's kind of crazy.




No helicopter pad?



Oh, no.

There's one out back.



I'm kidding.






Oh, I've missed you

so much!



I promise I'll never

leave you again.



Oh my God, Mom.

Look at you. You look fantastic.



- It's just something I threw together.

- Come here.



- What?

- I want to introduce you to someone.



- Charlie. Mom.

- Kevin.



Charlie, this is Mom.



Mom, Charlie.



Oh, hi.



Oh, I'd love to just be able

to think of it and make it.



I must have spent

the last    years



looking for the perfect

little black...



- Cocktail dress.

...cocktail dress. Yes.



I know.



Well, it doesn't matter. You could

wear anything with your figure.



- I mean, you look amazing.

- Oh, honey, thanks.



Listen, when you're my age,

if ain't broke, you fix it before it is.



Why the question mark?



Oh, 'cause

I just don't know.



I love your jewelry.



- Oh, yes. Yes, thank you.

- I love that.



- I like it... the earth tones.

- It's fantastic.



- Where did you get this from?

- My first husband.



That's Kevin's father. He gave it to me

when we were in Peru.



- It's very earthy.

- It's like the dress,



very earthy.



I just think it's wonderful

that you've tried so many temp jobs.



Think of all

the experiences you have.



You've been

so quiet, Kevin.



Oh, well, it's kind of hard to get

a word in edgewise with you two.



Oh, is he great,

or what?



I tell you too,

that's a little scary.



Enjoy it while you can.



Here you go,

some more coffee.



Actually, I was a little nervous

about the two of you meeting.



- Really?

- Why?



Well, 'cause it's

important to me.



Mom, you're the most

amazing woman I've ever known.



And, Charlie,

I've never met anyone like you.



You're real,

you're honest.



And although we've only

known each other a few months,



I-I feel like

I've known you forever.



I guess what I'm

trying to say here...



is what are you doing

for the rest of your life?






Oh my God!



Charlie, will you

marry me?




it's too sudden.



- She's in shock.

- No!



- I mean, I am, but...

- Yes!









No no. Say "no."



Yes. Yes!






Oh, gee... oh!



Oh, I'm so happy for you.



- Congratulations!

- Oh my God. I can't believe this.



I am so happy for you.




I'm so pleased



that you're going to be

my daughter-in-law.



Oh, congratulations.



- I can't believe this.

- I'm so happy for you.



- Thank you!

- You're going to need a moment alone.



- Excuse me, I'll be right back.

- Okay.












Let's see.






What's... ah!



  % alcohol!



- You are so crazy! Oh my God!

- I almost forgot.



I've been carrying this around for two

weeks waiting for the perfect moment.



I can't believe this

turned out to be it.



- Kevin.

- Try it on.



It is the perfect moment.



Maybe you should go

check on your mom.



Oh, she's fine. She's probably

calling all of our relatives.



Oh, Holy Spirit...



surround me with light.



Please rid me

of my negative karma



and my wickedness.



Please help me be

a better person.



I could just kill

that dog-walking slut!



Of course.



She's pregnant.



So, goodness.

That was a lot to take in at teatime.



- Oh, you're telling me.

- I had no idea



that you guys

were so serious.



Kevin, you never

mentioned anything.



- Mom.

- Here's what I want to say.



It's wonderful

being in love.



But I don't think marriage is

the best solution to a thing like this.



Well, you know nowadays

a girl has so many alternatives



to getting married...

there's adoption, abortion,



- lesbianism... Hmm?

- Whoa, Mom!



- What are you talking about?

- Well, I mean, it's so sudden



I have to assume

there's a pressing reason.



Oh oh, no.



Charlie's not pregnant.



Call me old-fashioned,



marriage is a sacred union



that should only be entered into

with the utmost care.



Weren't you married

four times?



Yes, dear.



Which would make me an expert,

don't you think?



Excuse me.



It's the hospital.

I'll be right back.






You want me to go

with you?



No, stay right there.



You know, this is as sudden

for me as it is for you.



It's too sudden, right?



You think?









I mean, what's the rush?

It's not like the old days



where you had to get married

and have kids,



and have it all figured out

by the time you were   .



- Exactly.

- We have options now.



And I've always liked

having my options, you know?



Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.




This is so... big.



What am l...

what am I doing?



I love Kevin.



I want to spend the rest

of my life with him.



Oh my God!

I'm getting married!






Ruby, I need a bottle of champagne.

We're going to celebrate.



May I have the key

to the liquor cabinet please?



What key?



The key, Ruby.




There's no key.



Ruby, give me the key.



You want to take this




Bring me the key.



And fix your hair.



You look like

a damned cockatoo.



She is such

a fabulous assistant.



Hey, do you think

your mother liked me?



Of course. Why?



I don't know, because she called me

a pregnant lesbian?



I'm sure she meant that

as a compliment.



Trust me.

She loved you.



Oh, they're gone?



I'll just put this baby

back to bed, okay?



My son

the brilliant surgeon



is gonna marry a temp.



Gonna need something

stronger than this.



Where's that martini?



Hooch will not solve

your problems.



She's going to destroy him.



It is so clear.



She's got no money,

no career goals.



She was just waiting

for a rich innocent



to step right

in her path.



Oh, Kevin's

smarter than that.



Come on,

you raised him well.



He's a good boy.



But he's a man.

That's the problem.



The only time they think straight

is when they have an erection,



and it's usually pointed

right at the trampiest woman.



You talking about

her or you?



Look, there's nothing

you can do.



Just let it go.



You know what you need?

A project.



Or another husband.



You know, why don't you

marry another gay guy?



That was fun.



You know, you're right.



I do need a project.



And I have

the perfect one.



I am going

to save my son.






- What?

- You go use those old contacts of yours



to get all the information you can

about that little pimp.



And exactly what do you

expect to find?



Everybody's got

a past, honey.



Find something.



And I'm going to open up

the Montecito house



and get a party planner.



I'm going to give them

an engagement party.



And then what?

Lock her in the basement?



When he sees how out of place

she is in his world,



it's gonna be over.



This will end badly.



Get me another one

of those.






  I just want to

get down with you  






  I just want

to get close to you  






  I just need to go




Is it me, or is each house

you take me to bigger than the last?



But I thought your mom

said this was a barbecue.



Oh my God. It looks like she's invited

everyone I've ever known.



And they're all

in black tie.



Oh, there's my mom.





How was the trip?



- Welcome.

- I'm sorry.



- I didn't know this was a formal party.

- Well, that's because



I have something for you.

I bought you a new dress.



Oh, see?

There's a dress upstairs.



- Thank you.

- Besides, you look great in anything.



Exactly. You always look

so clean and shiny.



Oh, Kevin, your tuxedo

is upstairs in your room.



But first I want you to meet

some friends. Come.



- Prince Amir.

- Can I change first?



- This is Sarah. Kevin.

- You know Kevin.



And this is Charlie.

She's a temp.



Charlie, this is the man that introduced the

euro to the global market.



- Mr. Prime Minister.

- Viola.



Oh, Marie. You know my son,

but this is Charlie.



- Very good to meet you.

- So nice to meet you.



- She's a temp.

- Yeah.



I worked in a bank once.



Oh, look! There's

the Poet Laureate and...



oh, Charlie, first I want you to meet

the Secretary of Commerce.



Viola, please let me

change first.



I don't want to meet her

in my flip-flops.



Of course, of course. Ruby, would

you show Charlie to the guest room?



- Come on, Charlie.

- Thank you. Thank you.






Oh my...



it's vintage.



Oh, Fiona.



- You look stunning.

- Thank you. So do you.



My goodness.



Kevin just went up

to his old room.



- Why don't you go say hello to him?

- I'd love to.



Good girl.



Fiona, what are you doing here?

I'm dressing.



Why don't you let me give you

a hand with that?



Give it up, Fiona.



You know, you and I had

a very strong bond once.



No, you and I had

very strong drinks once.



That's not true.



Kiss me. I'll remind you

how good it was.



What are you doing?



I'm engaged.

I'm happy.



It's gonna fit!



Why did she get me

such a small dress?



I have two asses.



It'll fit.

There we go.






Okay! Okay!



What is it about her

that's so special?



I don't know but I plan on spending

the rest of my life finding out.






God! Men in love

are really hot.






Oops! Um...



I was just giving Kevin

a congratulatory kiss.



Don't, uh, worry.



Why would I worry?

He's gay, right?






Charlie, that was not

what it looked like.



I'm going home.



I've destroyed

priceless couture.



I embarrassed myself

in front of   % of the world's royalty.



Oh! I forgot, yeah!



I just caught you making out

with your ex-girlfriend.



Charlie, let me explain.




It doesn't matter.



I can't do this.



I don't belong here,




And if I don't belong here

then maybe we don't...



Hey hey hey.

Listen to me.



It's you and me now.



This isn't my world anymore.



You're my world.






Now let's get the hell out of here.

I'm taking you home.









Let me try and get out

of this dress and then...



Okay, see you




  There's a million miles

to go  



  Till our happiness lives  



  There's a million miles

to go  



  Till our happiness lives.  



Do you like it?



Yeah, it's great.



I'm so glad you

finally decided to do it.



I don't know. I just woke up today

and it just felt like home.



I'm gonna do

all three walls.



You know, I think it's time

to take a break.



Oh, wait!



- Wait a minute.

- Whoo whoo whoo!



I can't let it dry

too much.



Oh God!



Are we getting out of bed

today, "Camille"?



What for?



I could die

and nobody would care.



I would.



You promised me

a face-lift.



Sit down, Ruby.

Sit with me, hold my hand.



Have you got anything

on the girl yet?



Nothing. Nada.



No criminal record.

No debt.



Good grades. Went to design school.

And then a string of odd jobs.



Isn't that exactly what

somebody with a past does?



What about drugs?

What about promiscuity?



She's had fewer lovers

in her entire life



than you did

at closing day of Woodstock.



Well, find something.



Well, I guess if I had

a hair sample maybe I could take it



- to my little crime lab and...

- Perfect.



I'll get to work on it.



Listen to me.

There is nothing.



Has it ever occurred to you

that maybe she's a good girl?



Oh, don't joke.



I would like to speak to that woman

who got back from the loony bin.



Is she around?



Because you are taking me

for a spin in the crazy mobile.



Ruby, Ruby.



Everybody knows that when

a woman marries a man



she marries his mother

too, right?



What if I drive her crazy?



Okay, now you're

foaming at the mouth.






Charlie and Kevin's house.



Oh, I forgot you live there.



I didn't realize that you

had already moved in.



Kevin, stop it. I'm on the phone

with your mother! I'm sorry, Viola.



The slut's practically

fornicating with him!



- Stop it!

- I don't blame her.



That boy's a fine piece of ass.



Hold on, Viola.

He's... stop it! Right here.



Actually, Charlie,

the reason I'm calling



is I wondered if you'd

like to have lunch next week.



- Really?

- How would Tuesday work for you?




Tuesday's perfect!



Listen, Viola, I'm kind of in the middle

of something right now,



um, but Tuesday's fine.



Yeah, me too.



- Lots to do!

- Okay, bye!






I'll go get the vodka.



It's good to see you.



There she is.






Hi. I'm going to have

the garden salad



and the low-cal Chinese dressing

and a decaf iced tea.



- And you, miss?

- Oh, um, I'll just have a...




with fries and a soda.



- All right.

- Okay.



You continue

to surprise me.



Aren't you worried about fitting

in your wedding dress?



Well, I mean, I'm making the dress

to fit my body,



not the other way




Whoa. I wish I had been

that confident when I got married.



I'll tell you one thing

you're gonna have that I never did,



a stupendous wedding.



And it's important that we

book the church right away.



I always thought

that Kevin looked like Jesus



in the cathedral down

on Second Street. Mmm.



Actually, we were thinking

of having...



a non-denominational




being that I'm more spiritual

than religious.






What about my place then?



That way we don't even

need to book a location.



And Kevin was born there

and grew up there.



Oh, it would mean

so much to him. I'll plan it all.



We'll have that marvelous band

that the Swansons' had at their wedding.



And a divine cake.

Oh, honey!



No no no!

Tsk tsk tsk!




it's a disgusting habit.



Oh, hold still.

I've gotta... gotta...



- There! Got it!

- Ow!



Thanks, um...



What do you think

about peach?



- Oh, um, excuse me.

- Yes?



Can I get another salad

without the nuts?



- I have allergies.

- Okay.



I'm allergic to nuts,

and eggs, and shellfish,



and blueberries.

Oh... and soy.



It's amazing you've been able

to nourish yourself all these years.



Oh, yeah!

The cake!



I'm thinking traditional vanilla

with strawberry drizzle.



Look, Viola, I really do

have all of this under control.



I made this for you.



It's your wedding planner book.







Is that a picture

of me and Kevin?



Oh, and... present time

from your new mama!









It's big! You can see

the thorns on the roses.



You'll wear it on your wedding day,

just like I did.



Of course I was

a virgin when I wed.



But we'll just pretend

with you.



Now, about the wedding...



the two of you are going to arrive

in a horse and carriage.



And the driver's top-hat

will match the horse's saddles,



and the ribbons

on the doves



that will be released

at the exact moment



of "I do," hmm?



And I've been in touch

with your bridesmaids.



How do you know

their names?



Well, Kevin told me.

And I think for the honeymoon



St. Bart's is the absolute

best place for you to go



- 'cause Kevin adores it.

- Hey, just hold on!



Just wait

a minute, okay?






Thank you, but no.



Thank you,

but no to everything.



No to the horse

and buggy.



No to the top-hats,

and to the doves and geese



and any other farm animals

you're thinking of using that day.



And definitely no to you

planning our honeymoon.



- What?

- Oh no.



I can... oh!



- Oh oh!

- What's wrong?



- "Oh no" what?

- My pills, my pills!




Well, let me help you.



- Oh!

- Viola!



- Oh, no!

- Wait, Viola!









Oh my God, Viola.

Oh my God!



- Give her some room.

- Help!



- Give her some air.

- My God, is she dead?



- No!

- Get her some help.



It couldn't be

that easy.



She's had

an anxiety attack,



which can feel like

a heart attack.



She's gonna be okay.



But she definitely needs

to take it easy. No stress.



She said that you were

yelling at her,



that you refused her gift

and said she couldn't plan our wedding.



Tell me that's

not true.



Well, technically...






But, hold on.

I didn't yell at her.



And she just kept pushing

and pushing and pushing.



And, okay, I admit it.

I snapped a little bit. But...



What was I supposed to do?

She wouldn't take no for an answer.



Come on, look, you know

what a hard time she's been having.



- So she's a little difficult.

- Difficult?



A two-year-old

is difficult.



- She's like... ah!

- Come on, she's all alone.



I'm all she's got...

we're all she's got.



Come on.



Excuse me.



I'm Dr. Chamberlain,

the psychiatrist in residence.



- Are you Mrs. Fields's son?

- Yes.



- May we speak in private?

- Actually, this is my fiancée.



We can talk.

Um, is she okay?



Well, I just completed your mother's

interview and I'm concerned.



It's possible that she's on the verge

of a psychotic break.



I should probably see her

at least twice a week, minimum.



Also, I prescribed her

some anti-anxiety medication.



If she starts to feel

overwhelmed, they'll relax her.



Does she live alone?



Uh, yeah.



Well, I feel

it would be best



if she were cared for

by relatives...



people that are closest

to her during this time.



Just until we're confident

that she's out of danger.



All right.

Well, thank you, Doctor.



Oh, God.



I've got that

medical conference.



What am I gonna do?



You know what?

Don't... don't worry about it.



Um, I'll take care of her.



Thank you.



- Come on.

- What?



- No, come with me.

- No no, the doctor said no stress.



- Charlie, come on. Enough already.

- I'll stay here. Kevin!



Come on.



I am so sorry.



No, Mom, don't be.

It's okay, really.






I'm sorry too, Viola.



No, I was too pushy.






You weren't.

Look, Viola...



I would love it if you would

help me with the wedding.



It's all right,

sweetheart, l...



I don't really think

I'm up to it.



My nerves are shot.






Mom, Charlie and I think

you should live with us for a while,



until you feel better.



Are you sure?






Oh, I can't possibly.



- I couldn't.

- Mom, it's okay. Relax.



I couldn't possibly.



Not unless I know

Charlotte's forgiven me.



Will you?






Yeah, I forgive you.



You just put those




- Hi!

- Hi.



- Are you feeling better?

- I'm much better, thank you.



- Great.

- Sweetheart, I'm kind of thirsty.



- Would you... is the kitchen over there?

- Yeah, sure.



- Great. Goodbye.

- Okay.



- Hey, Charlie.

- Are you moving in, too?



No, I don't like

the neighborhood.



Look, do you have any

firearms in the house?



- No.

- You might want to get one.



When will you be back?



Soon as I can, honey.

I promise.



Are you sure

you're gonna be okay?



Yeah. I mean, hey,

it's only at night, right?



And, I mean, she's gonna

sleep most of the time



with those pills

the doctor gave her. Right?



Look, I know my mom can be

a little challenging.



So if you have any

problems just call me.



I'm on the first flight back,

I promise.




Well, hurry home.



And who knows?

By the time I get back,



maybe you two

will be best friends.



Oh, am I interrupting




- Uh, no, Mom, come in.

- The caterer called.



He still thinks

I'm doing the wedding.



He sent over a sample plate

'cause I gave him the colors you wanted.



I said absolutely no peach.



And from now on, everything

goes through my new daughter.



- Thank you.

- Yeah?



Okay, I'll be

right down, thanks.



- Oh, here. Look.

- Oh, it's beautiful, Viola.



- Thank you.

- Oh, I'm glad you like it.



- Thanks.

- My car's here. Gotta go.



- Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom.

- Okay.



Oh, bye, sweetie.

Oh, it's gonna be fun.



- We're gonna have such a good time.

- I love you.



- I'll be a good roommate. I promise.

- Okay.






It's so nice

to have a girlfriend.



Yeah, huh?






- Are you all right?

- I can't sleep.



I feel so alone.



I do.



You're not alone.

I'm here.



Did you take

your pills?



My pills?

Oh no, I forgot.



Could you get them

for me, sweetie?



They're on the sink.






Here they are.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.



Oh, I don't have any water.

Could you get me some water please?






Oh, I can't drink out

of the tap.



Would you get me some Evian...

with ice?






Here you go.



Oh, thank you.



You have a good night,







I hate to ask you this,



but it's my

first night here.



Could you stay with me?






Sleep with me.

Be a good girl.



Huh? No no no!



No no, don't!



God! Viola!



- Are you okay?

- No, let go of me, you!






Huh? Oh!



Okay. Okay.



Hi, how was your day?



It was... okay.






You're cooking.



I wanted to make you

dinner all by myself.



- Sit.

- Okay.



It's steak

and kidney pie.



Actually, the steak didn't defrost

in time so it's mostly kidney.






- Do you like it?

- Mm-hm!



I made a decision today.



I called my lawyer

and I asked him to redo my will.



I want to include

my new daughter.



Really, Viola,

that's not necessary.



Oh, don't be silly.

I want to.



Of course they have all these

stupid questions that they want to ask.



You know, like, "Are you

currently an illegal alien?"



Oh, uh, no.



Oh, that's interesting.




Um, are there any hereditary illnesses

in your family?



You know, the kind that could be

passed on to grandchildren?



- Uh, no.

- No.



How many men have you been

sexually active with?



What? Why would they

want to know that?



That many, huh?



Would you be willing to sign

a prenuptial agreement?



- Excuse me?

- I know.



They're such nosy bastards.

It's none of their business.



Let's just deal

with this later.



No, why don't we deal

with it right now?



I'll tell you what,

I'll clean up the kitchen



and you continue

enjoying your dinner.



No no no.



You did all the cooking.

I'll clean up.



- Are you sure?

- Yeah.



I am kind of tired.




Well, I'll just

go up to bed then.



I had kind of a difficult

night last night.



You had a difficult night?



He's skidding

out of control.



This bus is out of control.



Is somebody there?









Who the hell is that?







Oh my God.



- I thought you were sleeping.

- Well, I couldn't sleep.



Hmm? What do you think

of my outfit?



This is a ceremonial robe

given to me by Chairman Mao.



These go with the robe.



This was a birthday gift

from the Dalai Lama.



He never forgot

my birthday.



Of course now

he doesn't care anymore.



- Do you mind if I sit with you?

- No.



- Just for a little while.

- Okay.



Why is she running?



Well, someone's

chasing her.



Why is he chasing her?



I'm not sure.



Well, who is he?



I don't know.

We have to watch.



- You have to stop talking.

- Mm.



Don't you hate

what she's wearing?



Running out there

with bare feet and, what is that,



a pajama top?

It's so unrealistic.



I once did a whole segment

on nighttime television.



You would not believe



how much the demographics

influence the networks.



I mean it's just ridiculous.

All they care about is the bottom line.



Oh, it's so nice just to sit

with family and do nothing, huh?



Don't even need to talk.

It's wonderful.



I miss so much

being a working mom.



I used to bring Kevin,

though, to the set.



That's where he met

Gore Vidal and Jackie Chan.



Is there anybody famous

in this movie?



Because I don't know

any of them.



And they all look

the same... all the girls



have the same body,

all the boys have the same hair.


            many beautiful people

who live in Los Angeles?



I think all the beautiful genes

ended up in California.



Why is he kissing her?

It's beyond me.



I'm sorry. I thought

it was air freshener.



- Charlie?

- Dr. Batel's office.



Miss Reynolds?









Nope. Okay.






Oh God. I-I'm sorry.



You know what?

That's probably my fault.



I mean,

I never thought she'd...



I mean, she's a little

eccentric, you know?



- I'm sorry.

- Well, It doesn't matter.



I don't want to talk about your mom

tonight. I want to talk about us.



- I miss you.

- I miss you too.



Especially now

when I'm in the tub...



naked and wet...



and naked.






Well, do you know what I would do

to you if I was there?



- What?

- Well, for starters...






- I'm not looking. I'm not looking.

- Hello?



- I just wanted to return your shampoo.

- Your mom just walked in.



You really should use a shampoo

that doesn't dry your hair so much.



We don't want a bride

with straw under her veil.



- Oh, is that Kevin?

- Yeah, it is.



- Honey, your mom wants to talk to you.

- Sweetie, hi.



- Hi, Mom.

- Honey, I can't thank you both enough.



- Of course.

- I'm having the most wonderful time.



- How's Charlie?

- Oh, she's been a doll.



We've been girlfriends

all week.



- Great.

- I'm gonna be sad to go home.



You do? Well, you never know

what the future's gonna bring right?



I mean, I do love

this neighborhood.



In fact, you know,

two doors down,



there's this house

for sale.



It's got two

big bay windows



and a great rose garden.



You know how

I love rose gardens.



And basically,

it's got my name all over it.



I'm having my...

my... um...



real estate guy

look into it.



She's buying a house here?



Two doors away.



"Lovely property.

Beautiful bay windows."



It's bullshit!



She doesn't even like

this neighborhood.



Oh God, I'm so exhausted.



She's driving me insane!



- I can't do this.

- Yes, you can!



Stop being

such a big baby.



Kevin is the best thing

that ever happened to you.



Charlie, do not

give up on this one.



It seems Mommy Dearest

has been keeping



a very close eye on you,




What are you talking about?

What are you doing in her clothes?



I was just upstairs in her room

minding my own business.



And I found all of this

in her closet.



She's been

investigating you.






Why does she have

your high school transcripts?



I know.



There's a picture of me

at the beach?!



- Yes, it is.

- I can't believe that.



There's another picture

of you in here.



And it's... look.



Look at that.

It's like a closeup.



But you have to be close

to take that, right?



Look at all this Gucci!



It's just

Gucci Gucci Gucci!



She has skin caviar.

This stuff sells for $    a jar.



- I've heard of that. I want a try.

- Here.



- Mm.

- Doesn't that smell good?



Ooh, hello.



What are these?



Those are

just her anti-anxiety pills.



- Ooh, these are good.

- Really?



They'd knock out a horse.

I have these at home.



- You do?

- Wait



I don't know what these are.

But they're definitely not what I take.



They smell like

oranges or something.



- Are you sure?

- Yeah.



Let me see.



Hi, Andy.

It's Charlie.



Now, I'm not working

for Dr. Batel's office this week.



But I had a question.

Yeah, about some pills.



Can I stop by?



Charlie, I'm having

a bit of a bad day,



so Ruby's gonna take me

to see Dr. Chamberlain.




You take care!



Let's see

what you're up to.



- There you go.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.



- And thank you.

- Wear that, sister.



Okay, now Cartier

is one right down.



- Where's Niketown?

- What?



- Niketown.

- Niketown?



Bad day, my ass.



Wait a minute.



Dr. Chamberlain?



All right.






Hey, Andy.



What are they?



Chewable vitamin Cs, huh?



Okay, thanks.



I know. I can't believe

the wedding's only a week away.



No, we do the final

walk-through on Monday.



Oh! Wait a minute.

I think I hear her car.



Drop my stuff

at my house, okay?



All right.

Look crazy.













Oh, I had to bring him

home with me today.



He's harmless.



Sit. No!



No. No.



No, Zorro! Sit!



Is that expensive?



It was.















Good boy.

Come on.



Come on.






Hello, old friend.






You can't mix alcohol

with your pills!



I'm a little upset



as you can imagine.



Well, I know that



and I'm sorry,

but your doctor said



if you're feeling upset



that you should take

your pills, not alcohol.



So you relax.

I'll get them.






Here we go.



This will make

you feel better.



Drink up.



Now I hope you like

what I made.



It's one of my mother's




- What's that?

- Tripe.



It's a delicacy.



Try it.



It's like nothing

you've ever tasted.



Trust me.



So Kevin called.



He's coming home tomorrow.

I can't wait.



I'm so excited.

I miss him so much.



I was thinking maybe the three of us

could go to lunch tomorrow.



What do you think?



Yeah, I think it's

a great idea too.



I'll make reservations.



It'll be so much fun.



Don't you just love

being girlfriends?




sleep tight.



And good morning

to you too.



- Ruby, is that you?

- In here!



Oh my God.

Is she all right?



I thought she went

to bed.



I don't know.

I haven't seen her like this



since "The View"

won an Emmy.



I wish I could stay

and help



but I've got to go

pick up Kevin at the airport.






I underestimated you.



You don't need a gun.



I don't know

what you're talking about.






Last call!



We'll see you

tomorrow night.



Uh, there's a reservation

under Fields, Kevin.



Yes, right this way.



I'm so glad my mom and you

had a great week.



We did. I learned

a lot about her.



So who's

the mystery guest?



Oh, surprise!



I thought your office

said we were having lunch alone.



Well, I hope you guys

forgive me. I just...



I wanted to talk

to you and Kevin together.



So how are you, Mom?






Though I did have

a rather difficult night.



Ooh, it was probably

that martini you had.



Mom, you're not supposed

to be drink alcohol



with those pills

you're taking.



You know, the truth is



I owe you an apology.



You know, I was so insensitive

to your feelings



about wanting to help

with the wedding.



Oh, it's ancient history.



A young bride doesn't want to hear

the opinions of an old widow.



No no,

that is not true.



I mean, you're going

to be my mom soon.



And a grandma shortly

after, hopefully.



And I want you to know

that I will do anything it takes



to make this

relationship work.



That said...



will you be my maid...



I mean, my matron

of honor?



Charlie, that's...

that's amazing.



- Mom, what do you say?

- But, uh...



Morgan is gonna be

your maid of honor.



Oh no, she has graciously

relinquished her title to you.



And I had this

specially made up.



A dress in your

favorite color... peach.



- Come on, open it.

- Well, that's...



Char... ah.



I-I don't think I can.



Mom, I think

it's a great idea.



I just don't think

I'm up to it.



I really don't. I've got

to talk to my doctor.



Oh, I called him.




And he said he thought

it was a great idea.



- You called my psychiatrist?

- Mm-hmm.



In fact, we had lunch

at The lvy.



Well, anyway...



he said, considering

this turning point in your life,



you know, losing

so much so suddenly,



that being involved

in the future



would be the best therapy

in the world for you right now.



Careful. You know

those are strong.



You know, we...

are your future.



And we want you

to be part of it.



I can have a list of duties

for you tomorrow.






M-mom... no, Mom.



Mom, don't cry.









I didn't think

I would be this emotional.



Mom, here.

Can I?



Oh, oh!



Oh, thank you, baby.

I love you.



- I love you too.

- I love you too!



I love you too, Mom.



Kevin, you know what? Why don't you

give your mom and I a moment alone?



Yes, of course.



Just so you know,

the crying bits are getting old.



Just so you know,

Kevin likes his girls thin.



Oh! Well,

I can always get liposuction.



I've been meaning to ask.

Is it painful?



That maid of honor bit.






You know what they say? Keep your

friends close, keep your enemies closer.



- Oh!

- Now you listen to me.



This is my game now.



You are going to tell Kevin that you

are not moving into our neighborhood,



and that you've decided

that you're feeling like it's time



that you go on

with your own life!



You're moving out

of our house immediately.



This is over!






This isn't over,

not even close, girlie!



Well, bring it on,




That little bitch!



Let's go someplace near

the ocean and drink lunch.






You know exactly what.






Move! Move!



What's wrong with you?



I am sick.

I am sick sick sick of your shit.



And I when I'm not sick,

I'm tired.



I am sick and tired.



What are you saying?



Damn you

and your luggage!



Ruby, you're not going

to leave me too, are you?



No, I'm not leaving you!



You old slut!






- Ruby, please...

- Hey, you almost forgot your dress!



You'll have nothing

to wear to the wedding.



See you, Ruby!



Maybe we can get you

a matching bonnet.



See you

at the rehearsal dinner!






So, how's the bride-to-be

holding up?



Ooh, under the circumstances

I'd say mediocre. But she's tough.



Not as tough

as the old bird.



- What does that mean?

- For your own safety,



make sure you know where

the emergency exits are at all times.



Hey, are you

and my mom okay?



Great. Yeah, I just have a little

of the pre-wedding nerves,



but everything's

under control.



Of course.



Hello, everyone!




to the rehearsal dinner.



- My God, she looks amazing.

- I know.






Father Tyson.



Hello, Blaire.



Kit, how are you?



Hello, hello.



- Oh, you are Morgan.

- Yes.



I have heard so much about your delicious

catering service.



Oh! Oh, wow!



I have a lot of friends.

You're going to be a busy girl.



- And you're Remy.

- Yeah.



I recognize you from all the wonderful

things Charlie's told me about you.



Wow. Well, Ms. Fields,

I have to say...



- Oh, call me Viola. Please, I insist.

- Viola.



- All right, I'm gonna go get a drink.

- Okay.



I'm such a huge fan.



- Oh, you...

- Oh, l...



Well, mi casa, su casa.

Make yourself at home.



- Thank you. Bye, Viola.

- Cheers.



- Goodbye.

- I like her a lot. Hi.



- Hey!

- Hi!



- You guys have a nice little chit-chat? - Oh

my God. She came over



and started talking to us.

What did you want us to do?



- Ignore her?

- Yes!



So then getting her autograph

would be completely out of the question?



- Was that yes? 'Cause... okay.

- No.



So there I was sitting next

to the Sultan of Brunei



with Maureen Dowd,

Carrie Fisher and Snoop Dogg.



You know the story, Kevin.



I said to Snoop, "Snoop,

I think your lyrics



are sometimes a little

sexist and unfair to women."



And the Sultan of Brunei said,

"Really? I have     wives



and they're all

huge fans of the Dogg!"



Honey, would you see

who's at the door?






These are delicious, Viola.



Oh, Kit,

I'm glad you like it.



Mm, yeah.



Look who's here.

It's Dr. Chamberlain.



Oh my God!

It's Dr. Chamberlain.



- Hi! Everybody, it's Dr. Chamberlain!

- Hi. Good evening.



- Thanks so much for inviting me.

- Oh, shit!



That's Dr. Chamberlain.

He's Viola's doctor.



Oh, we're going to need

another place setting.



Oh, please,

let me get that.



- There's a chair in the living room.

- Sure.



Scootch down, you guys.

Come on, make room.



You guys move down.



Cheers. Thank you.



Who's he?



It's Viola's therapist.

Move down, you guys!



- Excuse me.

- No problem.



- Here's you chair, Doctor.

- Here. Have mine, too.









- Hi.

- Hi.



I'll get it.



So you just got here?



- Are you expecting anyone else?

- Huh-uh.



- Hello, everybody!

- Fiona!



I'm so glad to see you.



I just couldn't resist

bringing the happy couple



a little gift.



That's great. I will

get you a place setting.



She's bringing a gift?

I think she is the gift.



What the hell

is she doing here?



- How about some more wine, everyone?

- Yeah!



How much longer do we have to stay?

I have midterms tomorrow.






- Oh, I get it.

- No, baby, not now, okay?



It's not the time.



So, Dr. Chamberlain,



tell us about med school.

Where did you do your residency?



Uh, now that's...

that's a long story.



I don't think your guests

want to hear that.



No, we really

want to know.



I think we need

some more gravy.



What is going on?



What are you doing?



I'm behaving.



Viola, no!



You can't!

Charlie's allergic to nuts!



Give it to me!



Viola, you're crazy.



Oh, get up.



Put the gravy down

or I'm telling Kevin.






What's the big deal?

So her face swells up...



swells up a little.

So what?



Swells up a little? Her face'll

blow up like a Macy's Day balloon.



Well, good. It'll match

the other body parts!



Viola, think about

what you're doing.



Come on, the girl's

getting married tomorrow!



Ruby, when did you

lose your edge?



Right after

you lost your mind.



Come on.



All right. Okay.

No nuts.



Come on.



Viola, I think you

dislocated my vagina.



- Where's the...

- Where's the what?



Gravy? More gravy?



Anyone for more gravy?



Oh, I am not

doing time for you!



- Where's the back door?

- Stay cool, Ruby!



Stay cool! This is no time

to lose your nerve.



If I get arrested

I'm gonna sing like a canary.



Maybe she won't

take any gravy.



- That's a lot of gravy.

- Mmm!



This gravy's delicious!



You... you gotta go

stop her!



- Go on, stop her. Go stop her.

- You go, you go, you go.



Why me?

You're the culprit? You go!



- You're my assistant.

- What am I supposed to do?



Go out there and stick my finger

down her throat?






Baby, are you okay?



Kevin, my tongue

feels weird.



I think

something's wrong!



Charlie, are you okay?



- What are we gonna do now?

- Hide the damn nuts!



- Are you all right?

- Get her some water.



Flat or sparkling?



The caterer says he doesn't know how

this could have happened.



Well, I feel like I ate

a loaf of nuts.



I mean, even my tongue

is swollen.



You're marrying

a big, fat, puffy tomato mouth.



It's not that bad, really. Besides,

the swelling's already going down.



- Yeah?

- Hey, Kev.



- Yeah.

- Just coming to check up



on the bride-to-be.

For the love of God...



- Out!

- You see?



I told you it looks terrible.



- I told you.

- Baby, I promise you.



In    hours the swelling

will be completely gone.



Give me that!



Door was open.



Oh thank God.



- The Bride of Frankenstein is gone.

- I know.



I was up half

the night worrying.



- You look great.

- I just don't know



- how those nuts got in there.

- Yeah.







Hey, do you think

she would...






Come on.



I mean, she's crazy,



but she's not like,

psycho-killer crazy.









Oh, hey, I was wondering.

Could I bring a date



to your wedding?



Of course. My God.

How exciting.



Great. Thanks.

So then, I'll see you later.



But... w-wait!



- Who is he? Tell me!

- Oh, it's...



okay, don't be mad.

It's Dr. Chamberlain.



Actually "Paul."



- Is that his real name?

- That's very funny.



I gotta go get a mani, pedi

and my eyebrows waxed.



But I'll see you in

a couple hours, okay?



- Oh, let me go down with you.

- Okay.



Oh God.



She added

even more ruffles!



Where's your prom date,




Oh, wait a minute. This is too

damn good. Where's my camera?



This is just too good.



Will you just get me

out of this right now?



Come here.



- Cheers.

- Hey.



Thanks for coming.



Okay, guys, let's go see

how Charlie's doing.



Ah, yes, please.






Oh my God. Those are

so much better than mine.



Don't... touch me!



I got out of that car

the same way I got in it...



without you.

Now where is she?



You here with the bride

or the groom?



I'm here with my mother.






She looked a lot older. L...



Well, look

what we have here.



Oh my God.



You look beautiful.

Oh my God.



- Oh my God.

- This is it!






- Oh God, did you talk to the priest?

- I talked to him.



He's just going

to skip right over that whole



- "if anyone should object" part.

- Okay.



You're a vision in white,

sweetie, really.



Knock knock.

Look at you!



And so is your




Mm. Mm-mm-mm.



All right.

Everybody out.




Give the bride a moment.



- No way.

- What?



What is that?



- What?

- Where's your bridesmaid's dress?



Oh, I gave it

to Ruby's daughter.



She works at Hooters.

She was thrilled.



I don't have a daughter?









Take off that

white dress right now



or I'll take it off

for you.



Don't you tell me

what to do!



You did not

just poke me!



Don't you touch me,

you two-bit tramp!



Oh my God!

Viola, I'm so sorry.



I didn't mean to...



You don't go and slap somebody

then apologize.



Get some backbone!



God! This is crazy!



Why don't you just

face it?



I'm marrying Kevin today and there's

nothing you can do about it.



You face it! You'll never be

good enough for him!



Didn't stop you

from marrying my son.



- Oh God, no.

- Well, look at you.



All in white.



You are so predictable.



Oh, Gertrude.

I didn't know you were coming.



You didn't?



Wonder why.

Oh, I know.



You didn't send me

an invitation!



I thought you

were dead.



But evil doesn't die

so easily.



I heard you got sacked

and thrown into a loony bin.



- Oh! Oh!

- My congratulations.



Oh my God.



Oh my God!



These hors d'oeuvres

taste like old socks.



Now, I want to get



an up-close look

at the bride.



Holy Toledo!



You are a stunner!



My grandson

is a lucky fellah.



Look, what he did.



He went out and found

himself an exotic Latina!



Would that my son

had been that lucky.



Here we go again.



What? You were

a television weatherwoman



in Dubuque, Montana.



You drove around

in a broken-down minivan



and you drank red wine

from a box!






You killed him,

you know?



- What?!

- You killed him.



All the doctors agreed,



my son died

of terminal disappointment!



If anybody killed him,

you did.



You smothered him

to death!



Nobody was ever

good enough for him!



My God, you look old!






This woman is going

to drive me insane.



Now, I'd rather not

take all the credit.



You'll get over it.



- Okay, I love you.

- You're kidding.



This is never gonna end, is it?



I mean, that's going

to be me and you in    years.



We'll be doing

the exact same thing.



You know what?



I wanted to marry Kevin

because we make each other happy.



But you're never gonna

let that happen.



Are you?



Oh my God.

I can't believe I'm saying this.



You win, Viola.



What do you mean?



The wedding's off.



Bye, Ruby.



I-I cannot believe

she compared me to Gertrude.



I know.

Now that's just wrong.



- Thank you.

- You are far worse.



I don't recall Gertrude

ever trying to poison you.



And I'm pretty sure

she wore black to your wedding.



Black. Yeah, she said

she was in mourning.






I just want my son

to be happy.



Whatever made you

think he wasn't?



Hey, what are you

doing here?



Don't you know it's

bad luck to see the...



Charlie, what's wrong?



What is it?



Are you nervous?






- Kevin, I need...

- Charlie,



I need to talk to you.



- Viola, stop it!

- It's the flower girls.



- They're drunk again.

- What?



Yeah, in the toilet.



Not now, Viola, okay?



It's really important.



Just give us a minute.

She'll be right there.






Charlie, what is it?



I'll be right back.



What do you want, Viola?



I don't want you

to walk out on this wedding.



You don't?



No, I don't.



What, am I supposed to believe

that you've had some epiphany?



That all of the sudden,

everything is going to be different?



It's never been

about you, Charlie.



It's me.



I've been so afraid

of losing him.



He's the only family

I've got.



This is my chance

for a family, too.



- And I'm scared.

- Oh!



Don't blow your chance

for happiness.



You've never needed

my approval.



He's loved you

from the very beginning.



And I promise I will

get out of the way



and let the two of you

be happy.



That's not what I want.



I mean, there just has

to be some boundaries, Viola.



I can do boundaries!



I don't love boundaries

but I can do them.



How about the number of times

you call Kevin a day?



Can we limit that

to, like, one?



Oh, I need at least

four minimum.



- He's    years old.

- Three?



- Two.

- Deal.



Two long-ass calls!



When Kevin and I

have kids,



he and I will decide

how they're raised.



All right. But you know I have

raised one wonderful boy.



- And my advice could be very...

- Will be solicited when needed.



All right, as long as one kid

is named after me.



- Middle name.

- Deal.



What else?




and special occasions.



Are you gonna keep

me away?



You must be present

for every Christmas,







school play,

clarinet recital



and soccer game

in our kids' lives.



I want you to love them

and spoil them



and teach them things

that Kevin and I can't.



Like how to throw

a right hook for example.



I want you there, Viola.



I do, up front and center.



From this point

I will not negotiate.



Damn. That girl can give

a nice little speech.









can they call me "Aunt Viola"

instead of "Grandma"?






Come on, unzip me.



Viola, you don't

have to wear that dress, really.



Yes, I do. Really.



Go, Kevin and Charlie!









Do you really think I would leave without

saying goodbye?



I love you, Mom.



- Thanks for everything.

- Go.



Bye, you guys!



Okay, everybody gather around

the back of the car!






Charlie, right here!

Right here, Charlie!






- Oh, Hawaii! I cannot wait!

- I know. I can't either.



Have a great

time in Hawaii!



- Good luck!

- Have fun in Hawaii!



Just you and me

now, Ruby!



Jesus. Who did I kill

in a past life?



And take off

that damn dress.



You look like

a giant peach cobbler.



You're making me hungry.



Come on, weathergirl,

I'll buy you a box of wine.



  For once in my life  



  I have someone

who needs me  



  Someone I needed

so long  



  For once, unafraid  



  I can go

where life leads me  



  Somehow I know

I'll be strong  



  For once, I can touch  



  What my heart

used to dream of  



  Long before I knew  



  Oh, someone warm

like you  



  Would make my dream

come true  



-   Yeah yeah yeah  

-   For once in our lives  



  For once in my life  



  I won't let sorrow

hurt me  



  Not like it's hurt me




  Not like

it's hurt before  



  For once,

I have something  



  I know won't

desert me  



-   I'm not alone anymore  

-   I'm not alone  



  For once, I can say  



  "This is mine,

you can't take it"  



  As long as I know

I have love I can make it  



  For once in my life  



  I have someone

who needs me  



  Someone who needs me  




hey yeah!  



  Someone who needs me  



  All I need

is love, baby  



  For once in my life  



  Make our dreams

come true  



-   For once in my life  

-   For once in my life  



  I won't let

sorrow hurt me  



-   Not like it's hurt me before  

-   Not like it hurt before  



  For once, I have something  



  I know won't desert me  



-   I'm not alone anymore  

-   I'm not alone anymore  



  For once I can say  



  "This is mine,

you can't take it"  



  Long as I know

I have love I can make it  



  For once in my life  



  I have someone

who needs me  



-   Someone who needs me  

-   Oh  



  For once in my life  



-   Someone who needs me  

-   Yeah  



  Somebody that needs me  



-   Someone who needs me  

-   For once in my life.  



  You can cry

a million tears  



  You can wait

a million years  



  If you think that time

will change your ways  



  Don't wait too long  



  When your morning

turns to night  



  Who'll be loving you

by candlelight?  



  If you think that time

will change your ways  



  Don't wait too long  



  Maybe I've got a lot

to learn  



  Time can slip away  



  Sometimes you've got

to lose it all  



  Before you find

your way  



  Take a chance

and play your part  



  Make romance,

it might break your heart  



  But if you think time

will change your ways  



  Don't wait too long  



  Baby, you and I've got

a lot to learn  



  Don't want to waste

another day  



  Maybe you got

to lose it all  



  Before you find

your way  



  Take a chance,

play your part  



  Make romance,

it might break your heart  



  But if you think time

will change your ways  



  Don't wait too long  



  Don't wait  






Gettin' old.

Special help by SergeiK