Moscow On The Hudson Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Moscow On The Hudson script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Robin Williams movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Moscow On The Hudson. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Moscow On The Hudson Script



Moscow on the Hudson



Excuse me, please, sir.

Does this bus go to the Lincoln Center?



- Lincoln Center?

- Yes.



You're on the wrong bus.

It's okay, don't worry.



All you have to do is go to 57th Street,

change buses and get on the No. 30 bus.



Don't worry.

I'll let you know when it's time.



Then you go and get a free transfer

from the driver.



- Thank you.

- No problem.



It's tough getting around here at first.






Toilet paper?



Shoes, I think.



They must be Czech or Polish

for such a line.



I don't know.









No forty-fives left.



Forty-four or forty-six will do.



We only have thirty-eights.



I'll take three pairs.



Only two to a customer.



Two thirty-eights, then.



If you want to go on the New York tour

you'd better behave.



You are late. We're getting ready.

Don't you want to go to New York?



I couldn't help it.






The queue was endless.



I wear a forty-two.



These are thirty-eight.



How much?



Forty roubles.






I know you only paid twenty.



All right. I give them to you as a gift.



Why forty, you only paid twenty?



Did you lick his ass good? Was it tasty?



When you arrive in New York,

you must understand...



... that you are representatives

of the nation of the revolution.



Many people will take perverse pleasure in

tempting you with American decadence.



KGB pig!



They see you as targets for seduction.



Prostitutes will try to tempt you

with their unhealthy immorality.



And stay away from places

like the subway.



Times Square.



Greenwich Village.



Rockefeller Center.



I'm an artist, and an artist without freedom

is a bird without wings.



Watch where you drive, artist.



I know the same nausea is grabbing at you.



I am content.



Bullshit! You are a gear in a bad machine.

Don't you have a soul?



My soul is standing in line

at the food store.






Fill them up.



See how corrupt we are.



America is not corrupt? France?



My soul is dying.



My stomach is growling.



Let's practice our English.



Let us practice. You start.



Hello, mister.



- Hello, mister. May I buy lamb chop?

- Sure thing, mister.



- Do you read Ernest Hemingway?

- Every fucking day.



Kiss me, beautiful. Beautiful? Beautiful.



I love you.



Yes, my dear clown?



When we come to New York,

I'm going to defect.



- Why do you do this to me?

- I had to tell you that.



You know I am obliged

to report you to the authorities.



I want a Mercedes-Benz.

I want to piss in the wind.



I want to see Rio de Janeiro!



I want to see London! I want to see Paris!



Stop it.



Taxi, take me out of here!



I could be KGB.



Then my ass is already frozen.



Please. Be careful, my friend.



I hate my life.



Tonight at  :   as usual?



Yes, see you.



Toilet paper?



Toilet paper or chickens, I'm not sure.



Toilet paper?



Top quality.



Thank you.



Leonid? You're back.



How is your music?



I still play for tigers and bears. And you?

Are you teaching?



No. I have a new job. I pave streets.



I protested Afghanistan...



I know. I heard.



They said I was crazy,

so they sent me to a mental hospital.



Were you crazy?



If I was really crazy, how would I know it?



We shall talk, Leonid.



Don't ever go crazy if you can help it.



You! Don't try to break in the line!



You found it! Congratulations, Vladimir.



Why does everyone in this family

make such a fuss over toilet paper?



Eating and going to the bathroom

are the secrets of happiness.



I've made some borsch, Vladimir.



I can't. I'm meeting Svetlana.



If you married her,

you'd get an apartment of your own.



I'm not ready for another marriage.



I like Svetlana.



Is she the one with the big tits?



You should have been a poet, Grandfather.



Oh, I almost forgot! Pickled mushrooms.



It would make me happy

to be a grandmother, Vladimir.



Look at those black people. What a mess.



Beautiful people and great musicians.



Do you know Duke Ellington?



There's a great tune: Take the 'A' Train.



Now we'll be arrested for sure.



Before we marry, you should join the Party.

It would help us get a good apartment.



You know I'm not a joiner.



It's a bit humiliating,

always borrowing Anatoly's place.



That's what friends are for.



Get away, you snoop.



I am going to report you to the police.



- May I kiss your lamb chops, beautiful?

- Okay, mister.



I have something for you.



You certainly know

how to get to a girl's heart.



It's for your soft, rosy bottom,

not your heart.



Will you miss me in America?






You know, I am jealous of you.






I wish I could see America.



Yes, I am lucky.



I'd like to see it with my own eyes...



... the decadence...



... the crime, the poverty...



The inflation.



You know what I would like from America?



Blue jeans, my darling.






Sergio Valente...



And anything from Calvin Klein.



Too much vodka.



Hush, my Don Juan, hush.



There are whores in Gorky Park

who have carved my name on trees.



Horseshit! You smiling bastards.



Good morning, Grandfather.



Good morning, Vladimir.



Next they'll tell us

the crops are good this year.



The agricultural news

is excellent this morning.



Lies, tell us more lies.



You shouldn't talk that way, Father.



You have no respect for position.



Let them come and arrest me.



Let them take me away like Leonid,

the neighbour's boy.



Leonid is stupid.

He sympathised with the Afghans.



Trotsky was right.



They have dumped shit on the revolution

from head to toe.



You'll land us all in prison.



They're not looking for you.

You're not a dissident.



You're not Sakharov or Shcharansky.



Our leaders are only good for parades.



And they don't have any balls.



I've never seen the balls of our leaders.



Oh, you'll see them. In the next revolution.



They'll hang the balls of our leaders

on the walls of a museum.



Good morning, Vladimir Ivanoff.



I have done nothing.






Nicholai Ivanoff is your grandfather?



Of course.



Your neighbours say he yells

anti-Soviet slogans out of the window.



He's an old man.



Makes rude gestures at people

doing their socialist duties.



He is a comedian. He likes mischief.



Perhaps he is senile

and should go to a mental hospital.



He is a war hero.



Please, I will talk to him.



It might be wiser for you

not to use the apartment...



... of your friend, Anatoly Cherkasov,

for your sexual encounters.



I have done nothing wrong.



Good. It might go well

for your grandfather...



... if you kept your eyes on Cherkasov.



He is only a clown.



Yes, but perhaps he wants

to clown his way out of the Soviet Union.



Goodbye, Vladimir Ivanoff.



Also, those fucking shoes are killing me.



Vladimir, one day I'll perform on Broadway.



It will be a big sign:



"Anatoly Cherkasov

and Barbara Streisand."



America is magnificent.



They say it is customary to take towels.



Look, a giant prophylactic. It fits me.



Please speak English.

You promised. I must practice.



- Okay, mister.

- Thank you very much.



This television is a piece of crap,

just like in Russia.



My father will love this.



It must be smooth like velvet.



Stop thinking of your ass

and think about your soul.



Don't play game with me, okay, pal?



Do you want to know why I am lucky

to share room with you, polodurak?



Because they want me to spy on you.



I shit on them!



Maybe this decadence attempt to lure us.



Then they have succeeded.



- What a country.

- What a country.



I really do want to go to Leningrad.



Tell me, do you like Barbara Streisand?



Yeah, she's wonderful.



Waiter, I'll have a Black Russian.



- Is something the matter?

- No, I am happy here be.



- Your English is excellent.

- So is your.



Veronica Cohen.

I teach Marxism at Columbia University.



Vladimir lvanoff.

I am musician with circus.



Yes, I know.



You don't look like a Marxist.



I'm not. I'm a humanist.

What does a Marxist look like?



Usually has beard, moustache.



- The women, too?

- In Russia, especially women.



Excuse me. I am happy to talk to you,

but I must now to make toilet.



What about your president?



He was an actor before, just like us.



What about credibility with him?



I know what I will do.



Tomorrow, during the opening parade,

in my bicycle routine, I'll do it.



- I will defect.

- Good. They throw you right to bear.



Tomorrow is the day.



Think of your family.



Would you like to watch me

take a piss, comrades?



Soon we'll be back in Moscow.



Ladies and gentlemen, good day.



I hope it ain't as bad

as when we had them Chinese acrobats.



Them Italians came one time

and stole half the store.



They weren't Italians,

they were Romanians.



I thought they said they was from Rome.



See the game last night?



Yeah, Magic Johnson was the best guard

I ever saw.



What a pair of hands.



Buon giorno, Lucia, darling.

What a piece of lasagne.



You have only    minutes

to shop in Bloomingdale's.



Then we go to the airport.



My God!



What decadence!



Excuse me.



You must be Russian.



Yes, I am with the circus.



We heard you guys were coming today.



Let me tell you something.



I wish for peace among all nations.



I am looking for blue jeans.



We had a nuclear freeze demonstration

this year, and I marched.



"Make love, not war," we say.



Make love, for sure.



I look for blue jeans.



Blue jeans, right. Designer jeans?



Jordache, Calvin Klein?



You go straight back to menswear,

like where that pole is.



I am Russian, not Pole.



Yeah, I know.



Well, anyway, you go straight, okay?



Then you take a left.



You can't miss the Denim Den.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.



I hope you have a nice stay in New York.



I go back to Moscow today.



Well, goodbye.



I will do it here.



Everyone watches here.



I don't give a shit.



I swear, I'll do it.



Do it! Go. Do!



Leave me alone. Go, do it.



Three items to a dressing room.



Gentlemen, please button your flies.



What are you doing?

No women in the dressing room!



Women don't belong in the dressing room!



They don't stay in the dressing rooms!



They can't be here. What do you mean...



I don't understand.



You're in America, speak English.



Are you feeling well, Anatoly?



You are pale and sweating.



It's nothing. Just a slight cold.



You know, different climate.



Soon you will be back in Moscow,

where the air is always clear.



- I can't do it.

- Good.



I am a bird without wings.



I'm sorry, my friend.



What are you guys doing?



Only one customer to a cubicle.

This ain't Russia.



Excuse me, sir.



Fags everywhere.



- Your wife will love Forbidden Fruit.

- Thank you.



Time to go.

Put Cherkasov and the others on the bus.



I would like to see some Forbidden Fruit.



Great. All right, I'll see you tonight.



Talk to you later.



Fabulous choice, sir.



Are you all right, sir?



Excuse me, sir. Are you all right?






I suddenly feel dizzy.



Let's get you some H O.



- I got a dizzy Russian on my hands.

- Take him home for supper.



- Is there a large gay community in Russia?

- How would I know? I'm not Russian.



The men's room is downstairs,

to the left of the escalator.



This ain't no health club.



- I defect.

- Say what?



Don't be grabbing on the uniform.

I have to supply the threads myself.



I defected.



You're not gonna do that here.

I told you where the men's room was.



Maybe I better take him.



I am Russian.



- I defect.

- You're about ready to get maced.



Oh, my God! Don't you get it?

He's defecting!



Code  . We got a defection going on.

Style Boutique. Officer    on the scene.



Call the damn police!



You son of a bitch!



Please, help me.



- Are you the one defecting?

- Yes, I in danger, KGB. Please.



I think it's safe.



I know the Russian is behind the counter.

Give him my card.



My name is Orlando Ramirez.

I'm a lawyer. I specialise in immigration.



You've got a lawyer.



Thank you.



Are you enjoying yourself?



Excuse me.



Get up. Stay here. Stay right here.



This is Officer   .



The defector is between Estée Lauder

and Pierre Cardin.



Officer, you must help me.

I want political asylum.



- I am a security officer, not a policeman.

- They will send me to a mental hospital.



- Who are these dudes?

- KGB. They will kill me.



- We are Soviet officials.

- Keep your hands off the man.



- Don't threaten me!

- I got Mace and handcuffs.



If that don't dissuade you,

I got a  -inch razor that will end this talk.



Stay put until the authorities get here.



Call the embassy!



I want to keep my comrade

from making a big mistake.



I told you to back off!



You're in my jurisdiction which runs from

Style Boutique to Personal Fragrances.



So keep your hands off the man!



- What's going on here, Mr. Simpson?

- I don't know.



- Don't blame me. I was on the floor.

- Who knows?



Some Russian is running around

talking about defection.



We don't like that at Bloomingdale's,

and it's up to you to keep order.



Everybody on the bus.

Everybody back on the bus.



In the name of the Soviet Union, I protest.

This Soviet citizen has been drugged.



- I am not drugged.

- He's being held against his will.



Nobody is smoking no shit around here.

I've had it with you guys today.



Back off!



I'm Kaity Tong at Bloomingdale's

with a drama in American-Soviet relations.



Things are chaotic here,

but this is what we know so far:



Apparently, a member of the Russian

circus troupe, performing in New York...



...has decided to defect in,

of all places, Bloomie's.



Vladimir, I trusted you.

Now you do this to your family and to me.



You know what my life will be now?



Vladimir, have mercy.



You are a Russian.



Please, I will give you everything I own.



My sweet Volodnishka, please.



You will never see your parents

or your sister. Your grandfather...



... never.



I defect.



This is New York City.

A man can do whatever he wants.



The FBI has just arrived on the scene.

Gentlemen, a few questions.



How do you plan to handle this?



I'm Agent Ross

with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.



- Frank Williams, Justice.

- Mr. Ivanoff, let's talk.



Vladimir lvanoff is a defector.

And this guy, I don't know who he is.



KGB, whatever that is.



- What exactly do you protest?

- You cannot permit him to defect.



It seems he's already defected.



Mr. Ivanoff, can you tell us

why you're defecting?



- Freedom.

- Political freedom or artistic?






For now, consider yourself an applicant

for political asylum in the U.S.



That's a matter for lmmigration.



- You can still come home.

- I defect.



Let us pass.



Excuse us.



This means Siberia, for sure.



Do you have any family or friends

in the United States?



Sir, it's $   .   for the robe...



...and $   for the windbreaker.






Do you know anyone here, sir?



Only you. And this good black man

and shopping girl.



- Where is he going to stay?

- He can stay with me if he wants.



I can stay your home?



I'm Security Officer Witherspoon.



I understand how the brother feels.

I'm a refugee myself, from Alabama.



- Hold it!

- Wait a minute!



Tolya, I did it.



I'm free like a bird.



What are you saying?



I say goodbye to my saxophone.



Say what?



Mr. Ivanoff, did I hear you say goodbye

to your saxophone?



He left his saxophone on the bus, I think.



Also, you waved goodbye to your friends.

You are very sad, obviously.



No, I am happy.



It is so nice to be here.



Yeah, he's going to stay here.



Thank you. This is Kaity Tong.



I think he knows you are a foreigner.

He's jiving on you.



You got to learn to look mean.

You understand what I'm saying?






Is that your mean look?



Look crazy. Like this.






Crazy motherfucker.



Many different people here,

but not many white people.



This is what is known as a ghetto,

with a capital "G."



I like it. It is nice.

And the music, it's so free.



- Must be pretty bad in Russia.

- It's not human.



- But there are many beautiful people.

- Sounds like Alabama.



I read about slavery.



- With slavery, the work was steady.

- Sounds like Russia.



I make joke.



I feel to make joke

in other language is good.



... a member of the Russian circus troupe,

performing in New York, has decided...



... to defect in, of all places, Bloomie's.



- Get in here. You're on TV.

- You look handsome.



You look good, Vladimir.

Now you go running out the store.



We can see it again on the   :   news.



Mama, this is Vladimir.



This is my stepfather, Fletcher.

My bucket-head sister, Leanne.



My grandfather.

You have to watch out for his ass.



- I never met a Russian. They all white?

- You defected.



Yes. You are kind

to share your home with me.



Hope you didn't come for a job.

I haven't had one for eight years.



Welcome to the U.S.A.



Honey, you don't look so well.

Let's sit him down. You look peaky.



You can just lay down right here.

Lionel, get his feet up, honey.



Lionel, man in store give me card.



"Orlando Ramirez." Sounds like

a Cuban ambulance chaser to me.



Get his fucking feet off my couch.



Hush, Grandpa!



Good night, my American family.



I'm going to help you with everything.

Everything. Always.



It is very important to know

that you have a friend in Orlando Ramirez.



- Thank you.

- You don't have to thank me.



You have to pay me.

That's the way capitalism works.



One hand helps the other.



I have $    and one pair of blue jeans.



My fee for helping you

with immigration matters is cut and dry.



- May I call you Vladimir?

- Of course.



Orlando. That is a musical name.



My father was called Orlando.



He rolled the finest cigars in Havana.



Orlando "el Rey," they called him.



Orlando "the King."



Then Castro came along

and my father was on his ass.



Castro is a great man.



He's a bullshit artist who has been taken in

by Russian bullshit artists.



I'm not political.



- We had to get our asses out of Cuba.

- Defect?






We took a life raft to Miami Beach, Florida.



The only way to fly, let me tell you.



It was almost    years ago.



- I told you about eggs and onions.

- I want to go shopping later.



- I want to get something for the kids.

- We don't have any kids.



Jack's kids.

He wants some scuba gear for the kids.



Some vacation. They said this place

was sunny. This isn't sun.



You get better sun on our roof.

We're not wasting $   on that lotion.



There's the boy.



Ask him for a couple of rum and Cokes

and beach towels.



Give me two Cuba Libres

and a couple of beach towels.



Here, come on, make it snappy.



Talking to them is like talking to a wall.



Well, here I am.



It hasn't been easy,

but you can do anything in this country.



Where are you going?



You passed Chambers Street twice already.



Sorry, sir. I think Chambers Street here,

but Chambers is over there.



Drive a cab in Korea if you don't know

one street from the other.



Mr. Ivanoff, this is only stage one.



You will be interviewed again

to determine your status.



Until then, you'll need a work permit.



Make sure the man understands

all of this, Mr. R.



I understand. When for next interview?



In one month, we'll give an advisory

opinion if asylum should be granted.



Don't worry, you'll get it.



- In a year, you can petition for citizenship.

- I must wait for one year?



Do you know how many people

want to get in this country?



Vietnamese, Korean, Salvadorians.



Those Iranians, Mexicans, Bolivians,

Greeks, Turks.



Have mercy. So many people.



I have mercy,

but I can't carry the work home.



I'm like a TV set.

Turn me on at  :   turn me off at  :  .



I have been waiting two hours.

Who is your boss?



His name is Ronald Reagan!

Now sit the fuck down, Mr. Baktar!



Orlando, out!



Mr. Baktar,

your impatience is wearing me down.



I've been here two days

waiting to see the lmmigration Office.



You guys going to dance?



No, I rest now.



He is good boy, Lionel.






No, he's nice, but don't call him "boy."



Why not?



Black men don't like to be called "boy."

They take it as an insult.



- That was a brave thing you did yesterday.

- Thank you.



For the first time, I act from here,

not from here.



- You are a good girl?

- Yes, good girl. You're a good boy?



I would like to know you.



I'm Italian. From Italy. From the Abruzzi.



It's a little village called Casoli.



Everybody I meet is from somewhere else.



It's America.



- Would you like to dance?

- Okay.



Come on.



Why you came America?



When my father died six years ago,

he left us seven children.



We were so poor.

There wasn't much opportunity for a girl.



Or for a boy, for that matter.



So, I guess I was the lucky one.



I have an Uncle Sal who lives here.



He has a funeral parlour.



- He sponsored me.

- You speak very well.



In a few months, I will become a citizen.



Then watch me take off.



Take off?



I mean, I want to work in media.



In TV. Television.



I love sportscasting. Or newscasting.



Remember yesterday, this girl Kaity Tong?



At Bloomingdale's. You know, the girl?



I think she's great. She's fantastic.



- I am be followed.

- Where?



That man.



That's the FBI.



They watch you for a few weeks,

make sure you're not a spy.



Also to keep the KGB from kidnapping you,

for your own protection. Relax, amigo.



- Is that a new dance from Russia?

- Excuse me for my rudeness.



- Thank you for protection.

- That's what we're here for.



Have a good time.



All this week we've been working

on the stomach. Here's part three.



Time to work on the stomach again.

We'll begin with abdominal warm-ups.



Remember how to do this one?

You inhale and keep it nice and firm.



First we do lower back-drops.



- Good morning, Vlad. How you doing?

- Good. I feel fine.



I wish to be useful.



How may I help you?



You can do the shopping.



I have an appointment

at the Human Resources Administration.



- The unemployment office.

- Lucia has something going for you.



She's got an ass on her.



I like, last night, musicians much.



Excellent saxophones.



You ever hear of the "Bird"?



- The great Charlie Parker?

- He was a wailing ass.



That boy could blow.



Excuse me, Grandpa,

why you call Charlie Parker "boy"?



What should I call him? "Rhinoceros"?



- How's the coffee coming?

- We're out of coffee.



- We'd have coffee if you'd get off your butt.

- Don't talk to me like that.



- I'll work when I can find something.

- You could've delivered telephone books.



Bullshit! Deliver books!

I got a college education.



We know you got a college education.

You told us a million times!



You're just like your mother.

Just like your mother.



Leave my mother out of this.

She's more of a man than you'll ever be.



I go shopping. I must to pay. Please.






Aisle  .



- Coffee line, please?

- Aisle  . No line, though.



"Taster's Choice...






"...Maxwell House, El Pico...



"...Chock Full O'Nuts, espresso...



"...cappuccino, Café Français...



"...Sanka, Folger's...



"...Café Caribe."



Coffee. Coffee! Coffee!



Mr. Ivanoff, don't worry.



You're merely suffering

some hyperventilation.



Don't be alarmed. You are among friends.



You should have seen yours truly

when I first came from Bombay.



I was very nervous.



Look at these girls. They know, too.



I am feeling better.



- You're something of a celebrity.

- I'm his lawyer, Orlando Ramirez.



Everybody was worried about you.



My wife thought you'd been kidnapped

by the KGB.



I'm sorry.



I have wonderful news for you.



- I've made some calls to find you a job.

- I take it.



- Nothing fancy, my friend.

- I take it.



When you speak English,

does your mouth hurt?



My mouth is fine. My brain hurts.



When I speak English,

my lips and tongue hurt.



- I wish they would stop playing this music.

- I wish only to play music.



- You'll get your chance.

- So will you.



Do you know how difficult it is

to get a job in celestial mechanics...



...and astrophysics?



Boy, you speak English well.



In a couple of minutes,

we will take a break.



Maybe we pick up cheeseburger,

side of fries, and Coca-Cola.



"Dearest parents, dear Sasha,

and beloved Grandfather:



"I don't know if you'll ever receive

this letter...



"...but I will write to you every week.



"I am sorry to cause you pain,

but I acted out of real need.



"America is strange and wonderful.



"I live with a nice black family.



"My Cuban lawyer helps me also

to find sales job."



Okay, mister. Aquí, amigo. Bueno buy.



Two for $ .  . Okay, mister!



"I am learning to read and write English

in night school.



"Also, I have nice Italian girl

who likes American sports."



Johnson at bat for the Blue Jays.

Rawley sets.



Here's the pitch. A ground ball to third!



Nettles scoops it up, throws to Randolph.

Randolph to first.



Double play! What a play!



I don't believe this! It's incredible.



What does he need that Madison Avenue

preppy junk for?



- This will make your feet sing.

- They're very popular.



Madison Avenue

is where the money is being made.



- People make judgment from the shoes.

- What do you know? You're a foreigner.



While your ancestors were beating drums

in Africa and chasing animals barefoot...


            people were giving

the world Michelangelo.



- We invented style.

- You ever been to Little Italy?



All I see is plastic fruit

and fat guys in tiny hats.



- I like those, please.

- Those? Keep looking.



No, I take those.



"Yesterday, I bought my first pair

of American shoes.



"They were made in Italy."



Mustard? You got it.



"Today I opened my own restaurant

and I'm starting to make big bucks.



"I miss you very much. Love, Volya."



The best. Excuse me.






FBI? No.















Oh, no. No.



Sorry. You have a nice face.

I thought we had a moment back there.



I hope it didn't upset you.



No. It's okay, mister.

Thank you. Good luck.



"Dear Tolya: I have a new saxophone...



"...but I still don't have work as a musician.



"I have many other jobs, though."



Two Big Macs,

one Quarter Pounder with cheese...



...six pieces Chicken McNuggets,

two boxes Ronald McDonald cookies...


            order McFries,

two chocolate milk shakes.



Is that to go?



No, I eat it here.



Come back Mc-soon.



"I am now driving a taxi part-time."



Sunday I got a date with Lucia.



I knew it! I knew there was something

going on between you and her.



No, nothing going on.

I'm still virgin in New York City.



There ain't no crime in sex.

You're too shy.



- She digs you, man. I know she does.

- You think so?



You're probably the only man

in New York without herpes.



"I have met some members

of Russian community.



"Some of them are painters,

sculptors, writers, photographers.



"They all have made adjustments

to life in America.



"To tell you the truth, dear Tolya,

they still despair, and so do I.



"And, dear friend,

I wish you joy for all your days.



"Kiss the bears and the ponies.



"Perhaps, some day, I will see you again.




I like it.



It's very nice.



Not much furniture.



You bought the blender we had on sale.

What do you make with it?



Nothing. I don't blend anything.



You miss Russia, don't you?



Sure. Sometime. You want some vodka?



I'd love some.



You like music?



I love also music.



That's a nice tape deck.



I buy it from friend of Lionel's

from back of truck. A ghetto blaster.



It's a good thing

you found Lionel in your life.



This tape I bring from Russia.



It is great Wild Bill Hawthorn,

black saxophonist.



I tape from Radio Free Europe.



It's nice music.



Would you like to dance?



Why not?



You miss Italy?



No, I don't miss Italy at all.



I miss my family. My brothers, my sisters.



When I make it big, I'll bring them all here.

They'll love it.



Now, my mother's a very nice lady...



...but she's into that black dress for life,

so she better stay there.



When I go back to Brooklyn...



...and the Russian stores...



...the smells remind me of home.



And I know I can't go back,

but at least you can go back.



No, I don't want to go back.

I want to stay here. I'm very good here.



You smell very good.



It's Charlie.



- No, it's not perfume.

- Yes, it is.



It's you.



I really like you.






But I am...



- You have boyfriend?

- No.



I am a free woman.

I don't like to get involved.



Me, too.



What I mean is

that if I stay here with you tonight...



...I don't want you to think

anything special about it.



To exaggerate what it is. You understand?






I assure you as former citizen

of the Soviet Socialist Republic...



...I make no moral thought about sex.



I respect your new life.






But I do desire you in a big way.






I take FDR Drive, sir, to beat the traffic.



Whatever you say.

This is my first trip to NYC.



You relax, sir.

There's Perrier in the side bar.



TV is working.

I think General Hospital is on.



- What time is it, by the way?

-   :   in five minutes.



I had my damn watch stolen

out at the airport last night.



Really? That's a bitch.



Went into the washroom,

took my Rollie off, set her on the basin...



...stepped back

to shake the dew off my lily...



...turned around,

and she was gone like that.



- I'd like you to check this out.

- What's that?



It's a digital. It's Japanese.



Touch gives you heartbeat

and body temperature.



- What part of Texas are you from?

- The East Village, sir. Seventh Street.



You sound further away than that.



I have a fountain pen with an alarm clock

built in. Check this out.



You've got your hand on the bucket

and you're headed toward the well.



I also sell vitamins. Look at this.



"True Nature." It's a six-pack of health.

It's great for your sex life.



Gives you the dick of death.



I'd like to trade me some flat

for some round.



Pluck one of them long-stemmed

American beauties.



A little shaky pudding.

But get me to my hotel on time.



Just relax, sir. I give you great limo.



- I liked E.T. better.

- I think it was decadent.



I think it was fun and sexy.



It was childish.

It had no point of view, no moral content.



On the Lucia Lombardo scale of one to ten,

I give it a seven.



- You're reviewing film for the masses?

- No, but it's a fantasy.



You want fantasy, let's go to my place.



I can't. I have to study.

I have a class tomorrow.



- All she does is go to classes.

- Don't get possessive, okay?



I think I'm going to go back in

and see the movie.



I understand your liberation,

but what will you do with these classes?



I can do anything. This is America.



Let me know if you find something for me.



You make a mountain out of mothballs.

All I said was let's go.



- Yeah, because you want sex.

- Why not? Sex is good for you.



I'll see you sex fiends later.



- See you.

- 'Bye.



No, just let go.



- God.

- I'm sorry.



- You're not my boss.

- You're right.



- This can only work if we are equal.

- I agree.



If all Russians could eat Mu Shu Pork,

they wouldn't be afraid of the Chinese.



Tell me,

are all the Russians as funny as you?



You have beautiful lamb chops.

Did anyone ever tell you that?






You're happy all the time?



Sometimes, in the middle of the night,

I sit up and wonder where I am.



In Russia, you do that all day long.



You want to help me study?



What is the date

of the Declaration of Independence?



July       .



What did

the Declaration of Independence say?



That all men are created equal...



...and that they are given

certain rights inalienable.






Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.



Stop it now. Help me study.



Be cool.



What is the Bill of Rights?



The Bill of Rights...


            the first ten amendments

of the Constitution.



Freedom of religion, of speech.



Freedom of peaceful assembly.



Freedom of the press.



Freedom of holding meetings.



Freedom of...





The right to arm bears.



Unreasonable search.



Vlad, this is Lucia's Uncle Sal.



Lucia told me about you.






This is my mama and my wife.



How do you do, Mother?



That is my wife. This is my mama.



All rise for the Honourable Judge

Louise R. Reynolds.



You may sit.



Ladies and gentlemen, good morning.



Today you will become citizens

of the United States of America.



No longer are you an Englishman,

Italian, or Pole, or whatever.



Neither will you be

a hyphenated American.



From this day, you are no longer a subject

of a government...



...but an integral part of the government.

A free man.



May you find in this nation...



...the fulfilment of your dreams

of peace and security...



...and may America, in turn,

never find you wanting...


            your new proud role

of citizen of the United States.



Will the petitioners please rise?



Now, let us take the oath of allegiance.



"I hereby declare, on oath...



"...that I absolutely and entirely renounce...



"...all allegiance and fidelity...



" any foreign prince or potentate...



"...that I will support and defend

the Constitution and laws...



"...of the United States of America...



"...against all enemies.



"I take this obligation freely...



"...without any mental reservation...



"...or purpose of evasion...



" help me God."



Congratulations, citizens.



A wonderful day, I think.



- You have period today?

- No, why?



- You're so serious.

- It was an emotional day.



I'm just tired.



Goddamn it!



What? I'm sorry. I can't help myself.



- Nightcap?

- No.



What's the matter?



You don't like a man being crazy

for your sweet zhopka?



- Not with my Uncle Sal around.

- Uncle Sal is sleeping.



Why doesn't he like Russians?



He thinks you're a Communist.



You know what I think?

I think we should move in together.



I think you should live with me.

That way we save on rent, utilities.



You don't have to take the "A" train

to make love with me.



- What do you think?

- I don't feel like talking now.



You don't have to talk.

Just tell me what you think.



Haven't you ever felt like not talking

about something?



In Russia that's permanent way of life.



Just give me some vodka.



You don't care for me?



- That's the problem.

- Problem, why?



I think I care too much.



Come here.

You know how much I love you?



Don't! It makes it worse.



- Just leave off of me.

- What?



I have worked, okay?



I have worked and struggled

to make myself an American.



An American!



I want to be in love with someone

who fits with my...



Okay. Now I understand.



I'm not Robert Redford. Okay.



- I didn't mean it that way.

- What the hell do you mean?



Don't you understand? It's too fast.

I'm not ready for this. I don't want this.



I'm not ready for full-time love yet.



That's fine. I don't love you.



What do you mean, you don't love me?

Yes, you do love me!



You are big American.

Okay, congratulations, citizen!



Communist Pope killer!



There goes the neighbourhood.



Let me tell you, she's not the only piece

of pasta on the menu...


            you have to make a move

for something else.



Be difficult?



Hello, sweet thing.



Don't turn up your nose, honey,

it blocks the light.



Come on, Vlad, we're already here.

Let's go.



It's time to make a move.



Hello, sweet thing.



Don't turn up your light to me,

it blocks the nose.



Vodka? Double.



I can't do this. That's Wild Bill Hawthorn.



I got a surprise for you tonight.



I found out from a friend of mine

that we have a musician, a Russian.



His name is Vladimir lvanoff.



A nice round for lvanoff.



- Welcome aboard.

- Thank you, sir.



I played over in the Soviet Union in     .



Yeah, I know.



Do you know the song or blues to Yolanda?



Why don't you sit in with us on it?



I got smoked, man.



You didn't get smoked.

What did you expect from the man?



What are you doing?



Better to know who you are.

That way you know your limits.



You know who the hell you are.



All he said was practice and work on it.



- No, man, I am shit.

- You're full of shit.



- By the way, you are white.

- Thank you.



You just don't pick up soul

in two or three months...



...even if you are Russian.



And I'll tell you something else,

that self-pity won't get you nowhere.



The saddest thing in the world is life.



You telling me?



It gets so bad,

sometimes I don't think I'll make it.



Did I ever tell you I had a kid?



I met this girl, she got pregnant

and went back home to Alabama.



Thomas Alva Witherspoon,   years old.



- That's wonderful.

- When I think of that kid, I want to cry.



Why don't you cry?



- It's good for you.

- I don't have to cry.



When I was in Russia,

I did not love my life...



...but I loved my misery.



You know why?



Because it was my misery.



I could hold it.



I could caress it.



I loved my misery.



You know, I have a whole family

I will never ever see again.



You see? Now you see.

You know it. There it is.



Now you know that the saddest thing

in the world is life.



Yeah, man. Now you see.



Thank you.

Thank you for a wonderful night.



Boy, I feel great.



Take care. I love you.



If that was wonderful, what happens

when he hits deep depression?



Do you want to smell? You like it?



If she doesn't like it, you can bring it back.

But don't lose the sales slip.



- Okay, thank you very much.

- You're welcome. Have a nice day.



What are you doing here?



- You must to help me.

- What do you want?



I'm looking for blue jeans.



I love you.



I don't want to argue with you, Vladimir.



I know you love me, too.



Defections are in the blue jeans

department, fellow.



- What's happening?

- Hi, Lucy.



How are you?



I got some news.



- I'm turning in my badge.

- Why?



- I was due a raise and it didn't come.

- What are you going to do now?



I'm going to Alabama to see the kid.



That's good for you, but sad for us.



- I'll miss you.

- Why don't you two come see me?



We give you a call.



I want toilet water.



Tonight, we go and make party.



- No, I don't want to go with you.

- For Lionel. Why don't you want to go?



I don't want to argue.



I want toilet water.



If I go now, I don't ever come back, okay?

You hear me now?



I hear you now.






- I want toilet water.

- For you.






Thank you, Lionel.

Thank you for everything.



You've been greatest friend to me.



I'm just a citizen.



You keep your pecker in your pocket.



Glad you came up here, Vladimir.



Just wanted to check in. How you feeling?



Good and bad.



The feet have been swelling up,

so I got to keep them up.



- Or so they say.

- You look good.



Shit, don't get old if you can help it.



In Russia, we honour the old people.

We take care of them.



I think I move out there.



Hello, sweet thing.



Don't turn up your nose, it blocks the light.



You hear from Lionel?



The boy sent a card. Says he's okay.



Did he find work?



I don't know,

but man do need to work to feel good.



Next week, we get tickets,

we go to the ballgame.



- I'd love to if my feet are better.

- They'll be better.



- Take care, Pops.

- So long, Vladimir.



Who is it?



Who are you?



Who the hell are you, KGB?



I have a letter for you. From your family.



A letter?



Give it to me.



Come in.



Where did you get this?



I knew your sister, Sasha, at school.



How did you get it here? To America?



We were permitted to leave

after only three years. We are Jewish.



You have a beautiful home.



Bad news?



My grandfather died.



He was a comedian.



I will leave you, Vladimir Ivanoff.



Thank you.

Please call me when you get settled.



It's New York.






Shut up down there!



It's not a nightclub, asshole!



If you're looking for trouble, you'll get it!



You don't like jazz, pal? He was comedian.



He don't care about nobody.



Hey, you fuck yourself!

Okay, pal? Okay, mister!



Hold still, motherfucker!



- Who are you?

- Where's the money?



- Why you do this?

- Just shut the fuck up!



- I am Russian.

- You're no fucking Russian!



I am Russian!



I am Russian!



What was in the wallet besides money?



Some ID, driver's licence, Social Security.



Easily replaceable, my friend.

You want to go to a doctor?






This is a goddamn insane country.



They were so young,

and their eyes were cold like animals.



In Russia, I knew who the enemy was.

Here, it's too confusing.



You're overreacting.



I always heard

that Russians overdid things.



Is this liberty? If it is, it's false liberty.

Where are the poets?



What do you want, a perfect place to live?

There's no such thing.



Police said, even if they catch them,

they go free.



They're juveniles.

They get away with a lot of crap.



- Can I help you, gentlemen?

- Two coffees, please.



- An apple turnover.

- Make it two.



When you can't walk down the street,

is that freedom?



Do you really think

you were better off before in Russia?



It's freedom for a woman

to spread her legs like that on a magazine?



Hey, pal, you free?



Excuse us.



There's no freedom here.



If there is, she's an orphan.



To tell you the truth,

New York frightens me.



It's brutal. It's crazy.



What are you staring at?



Take it easy...



Don't tell me to take it easy!

No one tells me take it easy anymore.



What are you staring at?



What did he say?



He says that he's looking at

a giant asshole from Moscow.



What's he saying now?



He said he's from Leningrad, giant asshole.



He's been here seven years and he loves it.



He's telling me

to go back to Moscow, turd.



In Moscow,

we have to fight for a crumb of freedom.



Here, you shit on it!



He says that if I want law and order...



...I should go back

and stand in line for bread.



Stale bread.



What the hell is that?



Firecrackers. Independence Day.



I'm sorry.



Independence Day.



You know, it's, "When in the course

of human events, it becomes necessary..."



What is it? I forgot the rest.



"We hold these truths to be self-evident...



"...that all men are created equal...



"...that they are endowed

by their Creator...



"...with certain unalienable rights.

These are:


















What happened?



I got mugged. What are you doing here?



You want me to go?



No. It's a nice surprise.



I came over because I was going

to leave the key here.



Waiting for you, I fell asleep.



You don't look very nice.

Are you sure you're fine?



I'm strong like Russian bear.



- How you been?

- I've been okay.



I've missed you very much.



Me, too.



I'm not ready for marriage yet...



...but I would love to live

with an immigrant.



"Beloved family:

I received the news of Grandfather's death.



"Of course, I'm very sad...



"...but he lived on his own terms,

even to the end.



"I'm playing my dear saxophone again.



"Yes, I've finally gotten work

as a musician.



"My friend, Lionel, returned from Alabama

and he now has my old job.



"In the day, I'm free to do what I please

as long as it is legal."



A hot dog, please.



Don't worry, my friend. I'm retired.



Yeah? What are you doing here?



Did you think I could go back to Moscow

after what happened?



- Have you been well?

- Yeah.



- It's a strange country?

- Yes.



Strange and wonderful.



- Can I say thank you?

- Sure.



Put your money away.



It's a good hot dog.



The best in New York.



See you.



Okay, mister.



"This is a free country,

welcome to almost anyone.



"And I hope that someday

you will join me here.



"Of course,

I will continue to write to you every week.



"Yes, in America anything is possible.



"Goodbye for now, beloved family.

I love you. Volya."




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