Mousehunt Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Mousehunt script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Nathan Lane movie by Gore Verbinski.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mousehunt. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Mousehunt Script

            - Hold your end up higher. - I am.

            - You are not. - Don't worry about me.


            - Hey, isn't that suit charcoal? - No.

            Looks charcoal grey to me. Some gray polyester blend.

            Couldn't you find a black suit for your father's funeral?

            - It's black. - It's grey.

            - It's black. Black. - Grey. Grey!

            Fine, it's black.

            It's the greyest black I've ever seen.

            - The colour doesn't matter! - Oww!

            I'm sorry, Pop. I'm sorry!

            - Quick! Get him out of there! - He's halfway to the harbour by now.

            Ah, well.

            "I leave you not just a model factory...

            but something infinitely more valuable."

            "The future of string... itself."

            "And thus it is my dying wish...

            that my two sons run Smuntz String together."

            Great. Stick a "For Sale" sign up, see what we can get.

            Ernie, we're not supposed to sell it. We're supposed to run it.

            Either way, this godforsaken museum piece is not worth a dime, is it?

            Some things are more important than money, Ernie.

            The financially challenged always say that.

            Uh, please, please.

            "I also bequeath to you my personal effects,

            including my ceramic egg,

            half box of Cuban cigars..."

            Oh! Yes, yes, yes, yes.

            "...m-my collection of spoons."

            My goodness, what a treasure. What a legacy.

            Spoons! Spoons! So many spoons, so little time.

            Oh! And, of course, something no household should be without.

            The ceramic egg! Ooh-hoo-hoo.

            Can I have the egg? Can I? Huh? Huh?

            - No. I want you to have it. - Fine, I'll take it!

            If you find any real estate on that desk, let me know.

            It seems there is also a house.

            - A house? - Yes,      Nortondale.

            Your father acquired it many years ago as payment of a debt.

            H-he never lived there, but i-i-it's interesting.

            It seems the previous owner was found locked in a trunk in the attic.

            Wait a minute. Is it worth anything?

            Well, he was able to borrow $      against it.

            Really? So, what is its value today?

            $     .

            Great. A worthless house and a broken-down string factory.

            Oh, well. At least the day wasn't a total loss.

            Thanks for the stogies, Pop.

            Wait. You can't go. W-we have to go through all these papers.

            You'll have to excuse me.

            - I've got a date with the mayor.

             Mr Mayor! Mr Mayor, over here! Mr Mayor!

              Will your recent triple heart bypass affect your campaign strategy?

              Now, Leslie, I'm just here to eat.

              Ah, monsieur le maire, Madame maire,

              welcome to Chez Ernie.

              What an honour it is to have you in my humble bistro.

              Suivez-moi. You brought the little ones. The little bicycle thieves.

              Bonjour! Our very best table.

              - Have you lost weight? - Oh, I...

              - I think so! I think you may be!

              Je suisse enchanté pour votre beauté.

              - You know? - Oh, monsieur Ernie...

              Excusez-moi. Au revoir, les enfants!

              The air's not so thin at the top.

              Just like the old man to die before I hit it big.

              Remember, everyone. Attention to detail is vital!

              Presentation is everything.

              No, no, no, no, no! These I must deliver myself.

              Duck a l'Orange avec du quack sauce...

              And for ze Mayor, la specialite de la maison,

              Lobster Loaf a la Ernest ou la bibliotheque.

              - Oh... - Bon appetit.

              - Ah, bonjour! - How does it feel...

              to serve the mayor after his re-election?

              - Well... May I call you Leslie? - Of course.

              Crunchy! Hmm. I love the almonds.

              Leslie, cuisine, she is a fickle mistress...

              Ee-yew! Look!

              - A cockroach!

              That's only half a cockroach.

              Daddy! You ate the head!

              Honey, are you OK?

              Not again!

              Was this an accident or murder...?


              - I can do that better!

              Smuntz String is a relic of history.

              You don't make string by twining two strands together any more.

              No. You make it simple, singular, strong, with nylon.

              Bu-but that's not string. Tha-that's cord.

              - Exactly. - Twine is yesterday. Cord is today.

              Zeppco was interested in your factory but your father refused to sell.

              We are hopin' you're smarter.

              Zeppco is willin' to buy you out...

              and bring this museum into the   st century.

              We'd keep you on as a consultant, with a huge salary and hefty pension.


              what do you say?

              - My sons... - Ernie.

              - Ernie! - Yeah. Just a sec.

              I want you... to have... something.

              My most prized possession.

              Oh, it's a piece of st-string.

              Not just any string. THE string.

              I found it my first day in America.

              - What's with the string? - I've had it    years.

              Here! I want you two to share it.

              Maybe it'll bring you closer together.

              - You haven't talked much lately. - Yeah.

              - Ah! What are you doing? - I'm breaking it in half.

              - No! I want you to share it. - No?

              - Forever. - Sure, Pop, sure.

              You carry it the first    years, I'll take it the next.

              - Sure. - And turn up the morphine drip.

              I heard that.

              Promise me... that you will never sell...

              Smuntz String...

              to one of those big conglomerates.

              Keep it between you.

              Brothers. Family.

              - Promise. - I promise, Pop.

              - I promise. - So, you were sayin'?

              I'll have to pass.


              "A world without string is chaos."

              For once the Smuntz name was worth something!

              - No, no! Don't! - Oh!

              You... You used to love string!

              That was when I was dating the son of a wealthy string magnate!

              Not now, when I am married to the owner... of a worthless death-trap!

              I thought you'd be happy! I stood up for myself today!

              April, I've got new ideas.

              You know, I've got big plans!

              Don't you see, Lars? That's all you've ever had are plans.

              But my life is passing me by, and I... I need more!

              There's no air in the middle class, Lars. I can't breathe here.

              Please, April, don't go.

              I'm not going anywhere.

               y:i In a few moments, the joy  y:i of the holidays was shattered...

               y:i and the world changed  y:i for many people.

               y:i Mayor McKrinkle died at  :  pm,

               y:i at Our Lady of Sorrows Hospital.

               y:i Doctors say  y:i the cause of death is...

               y:i heart failure due to  y:i the mayor's culinary disaster.

               y:i And once the hottest restaurant...

               y:i Chez Ernie is scheduled  y:i for demolition.

              I-I don't think I ordered my cheese sandwich with capers.

               y:i - We go live to Leslie Reinhart. - Sorry.

               y:i If this tragedy has a villain  y:i it is Ernie Smuntz.

               y:i - Once a local... - Ernie, you're on TV!

              What? Oh.

              You know what this is? I'll tell ya.

              - Guilt by accusation. - No capers.

              But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point?

              Why don't they eat out of a trough?

              Which one of you palateless sheep sent my sandwich back?

              Hi, Ernie!


              When I'm in the kitchen, I cook.

              I can't control everything in there.

              You know, it isn't fair to blame you.

              - You didn't do anything wrong. - But society likes to persecute.

              A scapegoat, someone to demonise. The same thing happened to Galileo.

              Really? That's unbelievable.

              With a cockroach and everything?

              No. The point is, I put everything into that restaurant.

              It was my livelihood and my home.

              In one fatal bite, it was all taken away from me.

              If only we could sell the factory.

              I'd let you stay with me, you know, but, uh, April threw me out.

              - Oh, that's too bad. - Yeah, well, don't worry about me.

              April's been like this since high school.

              - She'll be back. I... - Would you look at them?

              Sleeping in the street. Pitiful.

              If I had a house, I'd sleep in it!

              - Remember how close we were as kids? - No.

              Hey! Merry Christmas!

              Yeah, I was on top once too.

              But there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby, down!



              Ernie! Ernie, there was a quarter in there.

              A quarter? You think so small, Lars.

              Look at the bigger picture. You have no home, no wife, no money.

              You have no discernible talents. How can you ignore that?

              Ernie, it's Christmas.

              Instead of dwelling on what we lack, let's be thankful for what we have.

              # If only in my dreams #

              What a dump.

              Wow! I can't believe Pops never told us about this house.

              It's huge.

              This is the kind of house he'd have.

              It's just like him. Cold and spooky.

              - Wow! Did you feel that? - What?

              I got a chill. You shouldn't talk about Pop like that.

              Really? What's this do for you?

              Thanks for nothing, you string-sucking old loon!

              He didn't mean it, Pop.

              Ernie! Ernie!

              Only one bed. I'll flip you for it.


              - E-Ernie?

              - Ernie. Ernie.

              - You asleep? - I was.

              - How can you sleep through that?

              - What? I don't hear anything. - Shh-shh-shh. That.

              Listen. Hear it? It's coming from upstairs.


              H-hey, stop it! Hey! Ow!

              Ernie! Ernie!

              Wait. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop!

              Look. Look, look, look. It's only a toy.

              Ah, shut up!

              It's coming from up there!

              One, two, three!


              - It's just a mouse. - What?

              - It's just a mouse. Never mind.

              Hey, there are some posters up here.

              Oh! Stand still!

              - They're blueprints. - Wow!

              Wait a minute. Look at this date.     .

              A centennial house could actually be worth something.

              Look, this must be the architect. Look.

              Charles Lyle LaRue.

              - Charles Lyle LaRue. - Charles Lyle LaRue?

              Charles Lyle LaRue.

              Charles Lyle LaRue!

              Charles Lyle LaRue!

              I'm actually standing in the missing LaRue!

              - It's bold yet subtle. - Classical yet non-traditional.

              The missing LaRue.

              The rumoured design completed before his committal isn't a rumour.

              Before his committal?

              I'm just glad he finished it...

              before they carted him off to the laughing academy.

              So, what do you think a magnificent edifice like this is worth?

              Properly restored, of course.

              Well, his Parma Charnel House went for six...

              But that was    years ago, and it didn't have this moulding.

              I see. I can't get enough of good moulding.

              - Did you hear that? $      . - Phew.

              Alexander Falko!


              Gentlemen, congratulations.

              Congratulations on your find. I'm a great admirer of LaRue.

              - Glass of rainwater, please. - The leading collector of LaRues.

              Sort of like collecting stamps, but bigger?

              I'll get to the point. LaRue. I have his books and his letters.

              You see these shoes?

              - LaRues? - No, but he would love them.

              Vegetarian snack. I own...

                 LaRue houses.   . I want to make it   .

              You tell me how I'm going to do this.

              Tell me how I will do this. Help me. How will I do this?

              Well, I'm, uh, glad you asked.

              His Parma Charnel House went for six, ten years ago,

              but it didn't have this moulding.

              A find like this today is worth twice as much.

              - He's a LaRue connoisseur. - Guilty as charged.

              Gentlemen, I'm going to make you an offer.

              No, no, no, I couldn't be so crass as to allow you to do that.

              But you are welcome to come to the auction.

              - Auction? - Auction, yes.

              It would be unfair of us to deprive others of the chance to bid.


              May I have one moment with my brother, please?

              - Sure. Of course. - Thank you.

              - What is this? - It's the...

              - What is this? No. - It's the first I've heard...

              - What are you doing? - Answering your prayers.

              These pigeons are ripe for plucking.

              Put them in a room to outbid each other?

              - We'll make $       $       easy. - Man, you're smart!


              - You'll get it... - Don't talk to me!

              So, when is the, uh, earliest we can set the auction?

              I suppose all arrangements could be completed within the week.

              - A week it is. - Great!

              - You're smarter than you look. - Thank you.

              But know this.

              I have never paid more than $   million for a house in my life!

              OK, see you, then.

              Yeah. Thanks for stopping by.

              Ten million linen napkins.

              Five million bales of top-grade cotton fibre.

              Forty thousand hot lamps complete with rotating plate-warming trays.

              Two thousand twine threaders, gleaming under real lights.

              My own chain of restaurants.

              April can have anything she's ever wanted!

              Cars, coats, china. She loves china.

              I'm gonna build a swimming pool...

              full of pina coladas and a college girls.

              If only Pop could've seen this house!

              He did. He just wasn't smart enough to sell it.

              We've turned a corner. Our future is staring us in the face.

              All we have to do is grab it, baste it, and scarf it down!

              Aha! We've finally found our friend's home!

              Well, I bought a present for ya, buddy.

              Ernie, i-it's just a little mouse. Do we really have to kill it?

              Yes. Listen to me. A single vermin can bring you down.

              Believe me, I know. Ah...

              - I trust you slept well. - Oh! Like a baby.

              Hey, last night, did you hear the, uh...

              Oh, yeah. Let's see.

              - Well, where'd he go? - Maybe it snapped by itself.

              I don't believe it.

              He snapped the trap, ate the olive, and left the pit just to mock us.

              You're giving him a little too much credit.

              Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humour.

              He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket,

              sipping cognac, giggling "I left the pit".

              The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off, and he ate it.

              But now he knows we're here, he won't come near us.

              We won't be seeing that... Mouse!

              Aha! Ow!

              What are you doing, ya stupid nitwit?

              Don't let him get away!



              Are you trying to kill me?

              Ah, the mouse!

              Let me see. Let me see!

              Can you see him?

              Get me my Gouda.

              - Careful, careful! - Don't touch me. You'll snap it.

              You're not doin' it right.

              Put it on carefully. I am.

              Oh, relax. It's cheese.

              Bon appetit.

              That takes care of that. Huh?

              Oh! Oh!


              Hey! What are you doin'?

              Lars! Gimme a hand with this.

              You sure this tub fits with the house?

              Jacuzzi tub, Lars. It's a Jacuzzi tub.

              And this isn't just a house. It's a LaRue.

              Of course it fits the decor.

              - Luxury is timeless. - How much, Ernie?

              It was a steal at $    .

              $    ?

              You spent our last money on a tub!

              A Jacuzzi tub!

              You have to spend money to make money.

              They threw in the cardboard lady too.

              - Well...

              Don't you think this is a little... much?

              Never underestimate your opponent.

              Say he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught.

              If he snaps one of these babies,

              a chain reaction will start snapping them all.

              The law of averages says one has to nab him.

              Not bad.

              Yes. Well, I like to use both sides of my brain.

              Come on, let's hit the sack.

              - Have you figured it out yet? - Shut up.

              I'm thinking. I'm thinking!

              Ernie. Ernie!

              Keep perfectly still. This is it.

              - What's he doing? - I don't know.

              That was good.

              Shh! He's goin' for the cherries!

              You said mice like Gouda.

              Not in the morning! They need fruit for energy.

              - Oh, no!

              Ow! Ow.

              - Aah... Ow! - D-D-D-D-D-D-D.

              There he goes!

              - Juice! - Got it!

              This game is over!

              - I think it's working! - Yeah.

              - Whoa! Uh! I felt something.

              Ooh, ooh, ooh. Keep sucking!

              Goddamn, that mouse stinks!

              Dead animals always do.

              - Ohh!

              - Keep sucking!

              Oh, yeah, this'll get him!

              - What's this? - We're foreclosing on your house.

              You quit paying your mortgage.

              Oh, wait a minute, there's some mistake, this house is paid for.

              It was, but you borrowed against it.

              If you don't pay the $     we repossess it.

              - $    ? - Well, how long do we have?

              One week from, uh... five days ago.

              But, uh, that's two days!

              We don't have the time or energy for this.

              We're in the midst of an extensive renovation.

              Looks like you're off to a great start.

              Ask your boss for an advance. Pay him back later.

              Couldn't your workers forfeit their salaries?

              If you hadn't spent all our money on that tub, we might be able to pay.

              - It doesn't help to start crying.

              No, Fluffy! No!

              No! I want my kitty!

              No, no, no!

              - That one's cute.

              - He doesn't have a killer instinct.

              Morning, gentlemen. I'm Maury. Can I help you?

              Uh, hi, Maury. W-we need a cat.

              Find the one you want and I'll spay or neuter it myself.

              Well, these are all kittens.

              We were hoping for an older cat. One with experience.

              Most people like cute little ones. Experience with what?

              - Mouse hunting. - All cats are good mousers.

              But we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers.

              So, we need a ferocious feline with a history of mental illness.

              I'm talkin'... one mean pussy.

              Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love.

              Do you have any of those knocking around?

              Funny you should ask. I had all but given up on anyone wanting him.

              We were about to gas him again.


              He's spent most of his whole life in that box, I expect.

              - "Catzilla"?

              The guys who clean up call him that.

              But you can call him anything you want.

              I'd say he looks like a "Fluffy".

              Ah, poor little Catzilla.

              You want a home, don't you? You wanna get out of here.

              Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it.

              - You're a stupid cat, aren't you?

              - Yes, you are. And ugly. Extremely.

              - Oh! Oh, you little bastard. - We'll take him.

              - Here, boy.

              Ooh... He's got the scent now.

              Yeah, uh, go get 'im, boy.

              Oh, easy, easy, easy, easy!

              Wow. I almost feel sorry for the little fella.


              Don't worry about that mouse,

              start thinking about how to get $    .

              Don't worry, the workers will help us.

              You see, the truth is...

              - we don't actually have any money.

              We may have to defer your next paycheque or... or two.

              - So we can pay the mortgage.

              It's the missing LaRue!

              There's no need for violence!

              Put that thing down. Whoa!

              - Ernie! - What's the matter?

              Well, the, uh, workers... didn't react very positively.


              Uh, what are you doing?

              - You could fit through here, right? - What? I guess so.

              Come on.

              But, Lars, that was our last resort!

              We'll have to find money someplace else.

              Gosh, it's a shame nobody's interested in buying the factory.

              Yeah, yeah, it's a shame. But who'd be stupid enough, right?


              Ah, you must be... Caesar.

              I'm glad you could get here so quickly...


              You have mice.

              He's good.


              January  th,      hours.

              Don't forget to get toothpaste and Saran Wrap.

              We're in sort of a hurry. I wanted to warn you about this mouse.

              Yeah! You got asbestos, all right!

              I'll bet it's up in the ceiling, mostly!

              Shouldn't take me more than a day or two to remove it.

              OK, then. Um, uh, so, we're gonna go upstairs!

              All right, well, we'll all go upstairs!


              OK, then. Yeah.

              What are you doing?

              - He's not listening any more. - Oh.

              Good. Well, you're the expert.

              I hope you can take care of this, whatever it takes.

              We've been trying to catch this menace all week.

              Here's your problem.

              Normal people are not...

              psychologically equipped to catch mice.

              You have to get inside their mind.

              You have to know what they want... need.

              You have to think like a mouse.

              If you can do that... if you can think like a mouse...

              you can anticipate their moves.

              Then, boom! Sayonara, mouse.

              Well, you got some great stuff...

              Whoa! Never touch that!

              - All right! - What is it?

              The big one.

              It's a flea bomb!

              Works on mice too.

              It better. Because we can't handle any more intrusions.

              Sure. That's how you perceive it.

              But to that mouse,

              you are the intruder.

              We can make enough string to meet our orders.

              Just so we can keep the LaRue.

              - Good luck. - Wait! Where are you going?

              I have to run a little errand.

              All you have to do is make $     worth.

              Light a match, they're frightened by fire!

              Unsanitary creature.

              Defecating... in the dining room.

                  . Evidence found.

              Mus communis. Ugh. Male.

              Ten to, uh, twelve centimetres long,

              with a... hmm...

              What's this? A slight calcium deficiency.

              That's interesting.

              Hi. This is Ernest Smuntz of Smuntz String.

              Is this Zeppco International?

              Vinny? Hi, Vinny. Oh, I'm glad I can call you Vinny.

              My brother and I have decided to reconsider your offer.

              I'd love to discuss selling our factory to you.

              Oh, no, not at the office.

              How about Ellman Square under the big clock at noon?

              Uh, you, you must be Mrs Lars Smuntz?

              I'm afraid that status is in transition.

              Oh, well, is Lars in? I'd like to discuss preparations for the auction.

              The auction?

              Careful, Lars. You might catch a cold.


              You look like you could use some warming up.

                   hours. I've activated the Squeak Seeker     .

              I'm about to join with the prey.

              I'm experiencing malfunction with the screen. Stand by.


              Nothing works.

              Ah, nuts!

              EKG, a C-spine, a chest x-ray and pelvis. Now move!

              $    ...

              Mr Smuntz, you've been hit by a bus.

              I feel fine. What time is it?

              You may have had a concussion.

              Doc, I have to get out of here. I still have a chance.

              We saved your hat.

              - I'm sorry. Are you family? - Yes, we are sisters.

              There's some paperwork I need you to fill out.

              I don't even know them!

              Oh, I'm Hilde, and this is Ingrid.

              - We are hair models from Belgium. - Belgium. How exotic.

              Doc. I need to find a phone before I miss out on the deal of my life.

              - He's delirious. - I am not their brother!

              - I don't have any sisters! - Are you OK? I came when I heard.

              Why are you wearing a pink overcoat?

              Because April gave us the $    !

              She gave you the money? She didn't hear about the auction?

              I didn't even tell her about the auction until after she took me back.

              She just showed up at the factory and begged me to take her.

              We made love in a way I've only ever seen in nature films.

              Wow. I almost can't believe it.

              I can open up another restaurant, you're back with April,

              you can even keep that worthless factory.

              It's funny you call the factory worthless,

              because there's something I probably should have mentioned...

              Yeah? Well, I guess I have something to confess too.

              Hey, isn't that Caesar's truck?

              - Oh, my God! - Caesar! What happened?

              - Please, he's not well. - Did you kill the mouse?

              What's that? Horse?

              Fiendish! I won't eat it.

              How'd you find him?

                  call. No voice, but we heard screaming in the background.

              He was locked in a trunk in the attic.

              We'll call you if we get any leads.

              What's that?

               y:i Put that down.  y:i What is that?

               y:i That tickles!

              I don't think we're dealing with an ordinary mouse.

              My kitchen!

              Looks like Caesar decided to make himself a sandwich.

              Pickles, arugula and capers.

              He toasted the side with the cheese...

              but not the other side,

              so the arugula doesn't wilt.

              How did he know that?

              - Hello. - Hello.




              - Do you see him? - Yeah, I see him.

              Lars, I'm stuck! Get me out of here! I can't breathe!

              - I-I'll get a flashlight. - Hurry!

              - Here, Ernie, I got it. - I can see that.

              Wh... Oh!

              Hang on, Ernie. The flashlight's broken.

              - OK, Ernie. I got a light. - Great.

              Lars, do you smell something?

              Smells like gas.

              What are you gonna do?

              Kill that unspeakable thing.

              - Come on, Ernie... - Stand back!

              I'm a man on a mission!

              - This is how accidents happen!

              - Come on, put the gun down. - I'll blow his furry head off.

              And splatter his devious mouse brain from here to kingdom come!

              No, no! You'll blow a hole in the wall.

              It'll be worth it!

              Think of the auction! For God's sake!

              Think of the money! They'll cut our price if there's bullet holes.

              - The money? - Yeah, the money, the moola.

              - There he goes. - Shoot! Shoot!

              Yes... You hit the piano! You hit the piano...

              - Look... - Shh!

              What are you, crazy? The only thing you haven't hit so far is the mouse!

              Give somebody else a chance with that gun.

              - You're doing a wonderful job.

              Whoa! You got him!

              G-g-get him!

              - See you in hell, mouse!


              God, I hate that mouse!

               y:i After the beep,  y:i start talking.

               y:i Mr Smuntz,  y:i this is Vinny from Zeppco calling.

               y:i We waited in the square for an hour,  y:i but you never showed.

               y:i We do not appreciate  y:i being treated this way,

               y:i especially after your brother  y:i already turned down our offer.

               y:i Consider our proposal withdrawn.

                - Betrayed by my own brother! - Betrayal?

                Don't talk to me about betrayal. You should have told me about that offer!

                - Half that factory is mine. - And half is mi...

                And half is mine, including the half that you tried to sell.

                And would have, if it hadn't been for that bus!

                Bus? You can't leave well enough alone, can you? You ruin everything!

                Me? You... you blame me for this?

                Look! You blew a hole in the floor!

                I distinctly remember somebody yelling, "Shoot!"

                You've never listened to me before!

                - And you know why? - Why?

                Because I have no respect for you!

                Spending your whole life in that stupid factory!

                It's tragic.

                You think I didn't have ambitions of my own in my life?

                - Come on. You loved string. - I didn't love string!

                You and Pop were always running something through your fingers.

                It didn't matter what I did!

                I made a special rack of lamb for his   th birthday...

                - Oh, no! - Yes! You remember.

                I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect.

                Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No.

                He only noticed the string I had tied it with.

                He was crazy!

                But I still wanted his approval.

                I didn't leave, Lars. I was cast out.

                There you go again! Blaming everything else but yourself.

                You think you're a success! Huh?

                Well, you... can't... cook!

                - I hate you! - And I hate you!

                - Not as much as I hate you! - Yeah?

                Yeah. Double. Double!

                Oh, give me something! I'm gonna brain you!

                Here it is!

                Oh, yeah, give it to me! Go ahead!

                You killed him!

                I-I didn't even know he was there!

                All the trouble we'd have saved if we'd just thrown fruit at him!

                Look! H-He's still breathing!

                Kill him! Kill him! Find a blunt object!

                There. Let him have it.

                - I-I... - What are you waiting for?

                - I can't just hit him. - Why not?

                Well, look at him. He's pathetic.

                Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail.

                This is The Omen with whiskers. Nostradamus didn't see this.

                - W-well, he's a living thing. - Not for long. Gimme that!

                I can't!


                Look at him just lying there.

                It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike.

                Do something! He's coming to.

                Ah, I forgot to put holes in the box.

                !Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!

                - Come on. We got work to do. - Two days till pay-day, my friend.

                It's the architectural find of the decade. Oh, let's go...

                - Shall we? - Yes.

                - It wasn't easy, but we made it. - Mm-hmm.

                Ernie, I want you to have something.

                Pop's lucky piece of string.

                - I'm glad you kept it. - He, uh, he wanted us to share it.

                I don't know why, but...

                I think if he were here right now,

                he'd be proud of you.

                I think he'd be proud of us.

                Hello, ladies. How magnificent! Welcome!

                Lars, you remember Ingrid and Hilde.


                Ladies, your hair is positively biblical!

                Oh, thank you.

                Well, if you will excuse me, I have to check on my crepes.

                Keep the champagne coming. The more they drink, the higher they bid.

                You boys put on quite a shindig here.

                Thank you so much, Mr Falko.

                You know, it would be very, very sad...

                if you boys put on this auction and nobody bid.

                That would put a real crimp in our evening, but...

                there's no danger of that.

                I don't know. There's a lot of Eurotrash scarfin' the shrimps.

                I tell you what.

                You call off the auction... now...

                and I will write you a cheque...

                for ten millions.

                As insanely generous as that is, I have to decline,

                but I appreciate your thoughtful concern.

                Enjoy the party.

                Are you interested in spooling?

                Oh, sure. My father...

                I mean, my brother and I own a string factory.

                - Really? - Mm-hmm.

                I would love to see your factory sometime.


                April. What a surprise. Dropping by for no reason, I suppose?

                Does a wife need a reason? Oh, are you entertaining?

                - You mean "ex-wife"? - Not quite yet.

                - Ah, hakuna matata. - This crepe... c'est magnifique.

                - The raisins are a nice touch. - Good, aren't they?


                Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

                We are about to start the auction.

                I don't know whether to congratulate you or wish you luck.

                - Wish us luck! - Hello, April.

                - Oh, hello. - Nice to see you again.

                - I didn't know you knew our lawyer. - It's just an expression.

                Thank you, for joining us for this momentous occasion

                the auction of our one item,

                - the missing LaRue.

                I would like to introduce the owner of this architectural wonder,

                - Mr Ernest Smuntz.

                Thank you, all, for coming.

                When my father left this extraordinary house

                to my brother Lars...

                and myself, uh, we...

                had no idea what surprises were in store for us or...

                what was going to happen next.

                Uh, when Quincy Thorpe of the, uh...

                Historical Society told us of its value,

                you, uh... you could have KNOCKED...

                us over with a feather. We...

                didn't know what... HIT US!

                The renovation was exhausting but ultimately rewarding.

                - The house was in terrible disrepair

                But nothing that a few nails...

                And old-fashioned elbow grease couldn't fix.

                - People are eager to start bidding. - What? The bidding?

                - The bidding! - All right. Thank you.

                - Thank you, Mr Smuntz.

                No matter what happens, keep going.

                Built in      the last LaRue in existence has five bedrooms...

                - Did you see him? I thought so. - Yes!

                - He ate the string. - What?

                The string. Pop's lucky string!

                The son of a bitch ate it!

                - Why didn't you tell me you saw him? - I didn't, but I found this.

                - You should have weighed him. - I'm sorry.

                - Did you see where it went? - It can't go far.

                Well, shall we start the bidding at $  million?

                Now, we all know we're here to bid on the missing LaRue.

                Shall we start at $      ?

                $       from the gentleman from Japan.

                - Now, can I hear a million? - A million!

                - I'll give you one and a half. - I have $ .  million. Two?

                There he is!

                Ladies and gentleman, all the carpets and tapestries...

                - are from Northern Turkey. - Oh!

                Now, can I have an advance on  . ? May I have two?

                Can I have two, ladies and gentlemen?

                - Two million! - I have $  million.

                I have $  million, ladies and gentlemen. Can I have an advance?

                Can I have an advance on $  million?

                I'd like to draw your attention to the Lincrusia details...

                of the gold and silver-leafed copper and pewter.

                Ladies and gentlemen, can I have an advance? An advance on $  million.

                May I hear $  million? I have three from the lady from New York City.

                - What are you doing? - Uh, uh, uh... nothing!

                Get your hand out of there immediately!

                Wait! Wait just a minute!

                - Wait! - Now, may I hear $  million?

                Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

                Four million.

                - Ooh! - $  million from the gentleman.

                I got it!

                Uh, the sheikh bids $  million. Thank you, sir. I have $  million.

                - $  million.

                Any advance on $  million? Ladies and gentlemen, $  million.

                An advance? Ladies and gentlemen, it's the missing LaRue.

                The bidding stands at $  million.

                I've got you now!

                - Hold on tight, I'll get it out.

                Uh, $  million for the missing LaRue.

                - Have you got it yet? - I'm not sure.

                Ladies and gentlemen, will someone give me $  million?

                - Six million. - Thank you, sir.

                Hilde, the spool is smoking!

                May I have an advance? An advance, ladies and gentlemen.

                Can I have an advance on six?

                The bidding stands at $  million.

                - $  million. - $  million. Thank you.

                - Any advance on seven?

                Keep her away from the walls! The house is priceless!

                C-c-can I have  . ?

                I have $  million over there.

                $  million going once, $  million going twice...

                $  million?! You should have taken the cheque!

                You shut up! You...

                - Ten millions! - $   million. Can I have   ?

                $   million from the gentleman from Japan.

                -   .   .   .   .


                - $   million from Ernie Smuntz. - No!

                -    million! - $   million. Thank you, sir.

                Any advance on   ?

                Good idea.

                When I say, turn it on full blast. We'll flush him out.


                - $   million. - $   million from the lady.

                You don't have that kind of money.

                - Ernie? - Not now.

                -    millions. -    million. Can I hear   ?

                $   million from the gentleman.

                - Any advance? -    million. That's my last offer.

                   million going once...

                -    millions. - $   million dollars.

                Thank you, sir. $   million.

                The bidding stands at $   million. Do I have an advance?

                $   million going once,

                $   million going twice...

                Going... going...

                Hey! Don't go!

                The water was just a...

                a demonstration of... of how durable...

                a LaRue really is.

                How about that?

                Now you know this house will last forever.

                - Pop's lucky string. - I guess we got him.

                Yeah, I guess we did.

                What was that?

                Lars! Look!

                It's string.

                It's cheese.

                The factory has been retrofitted to manufacture cheese-based products.

                - I see. - This is our new lactose-free line.

                - What is that? - That's quality control.

                Here you go. Knock yourself out.

                Oh. No good, huh? Otis, more curry.

                OK. Try this one.

                Huh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right?

                I've got an idea for a caviar-brie swirl

                and peanut butter and jelly for kids.

                But I really want to talk about marketing.

                You should be our spokesperson.

                I know some people who've used a mouse as a spokesperson.

                You see, I want to turn this into the string cheese factory of tomorrow...




Special help by SergeiK