Mr. 3000 Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Mr. 3000 script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the baseball movie starring Bernie Mac.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mr. 3000. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Mr. 3000 Script



You don't like me because

I don't sign autographs.



You don't like me because

I don't smile for the camera.



You don't like me because

I don't suck up to the press.



You don't like me

because I make a lot of money.



But you love me.



Because I'm one of

the greatest hitters alive.



[Crowd cheering]




We're back in Milwaukee,



and the sound you hear




across the cities and farms

of the great state of Wisconsin



is the roar

of the Brewer faithful



for their longtime hero,

Stan Ross.



And here he comes with that

trademark arrogant scowl.



     hits to date

in his illustrious career.



Will this at-bat, July        



against the rookie

right-hander Billy Earll,



be the historic moment



when Ross joins

only    other major leaguers



in that elite     -hit club?









You're gonna be the best-looking

cat in the Hall of Fame,



that's for doggone sure.



Yo, scrub!



You want my autograph now

or after I make history?



You ain't getting this hit

off me.



This is gonna be

your one career highlight.



You're gonna be

a game-show answer.



Well, I'll take

"Kiss my Ass" for $     .



Make it     .



You hear that language

on that rookie?



Kiss my ass.



How about you, Ernie?



You're gonna tell me

to kiss your ass, too?



Why don't you suck my...



I'll show you

what kiss my ass look like.



I'll show him.

I'll put up this...






Damn it, Joe! He know better

than to get me pissed off!




No pitcher wants to be the one



that gives up

that     th base hit.



Clearly Earll

just sent that message.



A purpose pitch

to get Ross angry.



Come on, this is the one.

You know what I'm talking about!



Hope he trips

and breaks his leg.



- Uhh!

- ANNOUNCER: Oh, my!



It's a vicious line drive

off Earll's...



Well, it's

a bell-ringing base hit.



That's what it is.



Stan Ross is safe at first.



Hey, Coach, get me that ball.



That's the ball that got me

to the Hall of Fame.



- You want this ball, Ross?

- Yeah. Thanks, man.



There goes your damn ball.



You see that, Coach?



You see what he just did?



He threw my Hall of Fame ball

in the stands.



What's your problem?



- Back up. Back up.

- Move, man!



You be out when I get back,

or someone will have to pull



a piece of baseball history

out the crack of your ass!



- What you looking at?

- Make a move.



Okay, I'll shrink your big ass.



You'll get some, too.



You saw what he did, Coach.



All right, guys.



That ain't gonna mean nothing.



Get back in.



Who got my ball?

Open that gate.



All right!

He's coming on up.



- Hey, congratulations, Stan!

- [Laughing]



- [Laughing stops]

- Give me my ball.



- What?

- WOMAN: What'd he say?



Give me my     -hit ball.



Don't look at your daddy.

Give me my ball!



Whoa, make him a trade at least.



Give him your cap

or an autographed bat.



- I'm not trading him!

- Hey, whoa!



What the...

Are you all right, pal?



Why don't you take his

cotton candy while you're at it?



Were you glad to get

number      here in Milwaukee?



Sure. You ask any

of the all-time greats, man.



We all got a special connection

with our hometown fans.



What connection did you make



with that kid who caught

the ball tonight?



What you talkin' about?



People in that section

say you threatened him.



I gave him good advice.



What the hell

wrong with you people?



I just became a legend

like Willie Mays,



Stan Musial,

and Carl Yastrzemski.



Y'all gonna try to speak

on something negative?



That's what I'm talkin' about.

That's why I'm quittin'.



- What?

- What?



What do you mean, quitting?




I'm done.



Hangin' it up.



Now that I got this,

I ain't playin' no more.



And that means no more talking

to you stank-ass reporters.



- Excuse me?

- That's right.



I'm talking to you.



And I said "stank-ass. "



Why now with the Brewers

still in the race?



Couldn't you wait

until after the season?



I'd have quit last season

if I didn't think



you were gonna try to block me

from the Hall of Fame.



But it don't matter

'cause I got mine.






Like it or not,

I'm a certified immortal.



And there ain't nothin' you

sons of bitches can do about it.






ANNOUNCER: Attention,

all Milwaukee leprechauns.



STAN: Hey, all you

Milwaukee leprechauns.



This is St. Patty's Day.



Get your shamrock groove on at

Stan Ross' Mr.      Sports Bar,



located on Peacock Street

in Waukesha County.



We got      different kind

of beers.



We got Wild Irish Rose and

anything that you might want.



But wait.

There's more.



You want to get

that heavy vibration



from that special someone?



Get your page on at      Beeps.



Get your hair dyed, fried, and

laid to the side at      Cuts.



Knickknack patty-whack,

get your dog a bone.



And get your woof on

at      Paws.



Get your Szechuan feast on

at      Woks.



Bring the whole family down

to Mr.      Shopping Center.



STAN: First year,

I was     votes short.



Come here.



Second year,

I was less than    and so on.



Last year,

I was just   votes away.



Sportswriters hate me.



But my numbers don't lie.



I got      up there,

one for each one of my hits.



They gotta let me in.



It's my year,

and everybody knows it.



What about him?



Who's that?



You know who that is.



That's T-Rex Pennebaker.



Best player on the Brewers.



T- Rex Pennebaker ain't nothin'.



I don't even know why

you bother learning his name,



especially what you got in front

of you, a living legend.



A certified immortal.



And I know you don't know

a lot of immortals.




Hey, easy, old man.



Old man?



What you mean is "aged,"

like U.S.D.A. Beef.



It's what's for dinner.



Not on my plate.



- No?

- No.






Just ain't like

the old days, huh, Boca?






- Wow.

- Spring training.



You can practically smell

the grass, can't you?



Can't say I can, man.



What, you don't miss it?



Miss it?









Stan didn't make many friends

when he was playing here.



He wasn't very good

with the press.



We invited him

to Old-timers' Day



every year since he retired.



That's nine years.



And he never RSVP'd once.



He might not want to do this,

you know what I'm saying?




What are you saying?



I'm just saying,

"Stan Ross Day. "



Retire his number.



The fans, man.



[Crowd cheering]



Did he go for it?



Did you hit him

with the fans bit?



How about where you say you

didn't know if I would do it?



Boca, I swear,

when you get to going,



you can talk a stripe

off a zebra.






MAN: And welcome

to beautiful Miller Park.



Ladies and gentlemen, we're here

today to retire number   



worn by one of the Brewers'

all-time greats.



Seven times an All-Star,



a member of that exclusive

    -base-hit club,



the Wizard of Wood,

the Count of Contact,



and the King of the Swing,



Milwaukee's own Mr.     

Stan Ross!









I still look good.



He hasn't lost his touch,

has he?



And joining us today

to pay tribute to Stan,



let's welcome former teammate

Bill "Big Horse" Berelli.






I think he played with you

a couple of months in '  .



He was a middle reliever.



What happened

to Paul Molitor, man?



Robin Yount? Cecil Cooper?

What happened to them?



They declined.



We're lucky we got him.



You know, a lot of people

said that Stan



only looked out for himself.



That he wasn't a team player.



But I'm here to tell you

that if you get      hits,



you don't have to be

a team player.






If you have a lifetime

.    average,



you don't have to be a good guy.



If you lead the league

in batting for three years,



you can be the biggest jerk

in the world.



- [Crowd booing]

- [Laughing]



He laughin', man.

He laughin'.



So on behalf of all of us

who played alongside of you,






Go on, go on, man.

You can't help me now.



Also here with us today,

you remember him well,



number   Anthony Carter.



All right, come on.

Tell them like it is, Boca.



Come on, baby.

Now we're talkin'.



Me and Stan were teammates.



Man, could he hit the ball.



Tell 'em, baby.



And I loved him for that.



I love you more.



[Light applause]



That's it?

I'm trying to get enshrined.



That's it?

Man, y'all killin' me, man.



All right, Milwaukee,



let's hear it

for our Brewers' own Stan Ross!



Thank you so much.



First, I want to thank you,

Mr. Schembri,



and the entire

Milwaukee Brewers organization.



And to my main man,

my best friend, Boca Carter.



And to you, Old Donkey.



- Big Horse!

- Whatever!



But most of all,

I want to thank you-all.



The fans.



You were always there for me.



And I know for a fact,

if it was up to you,



I'd have been in the

Hall of Fame a long time ago.



But unfortunately, it's up

to a bunch of sportswriters.






Some metalhead half-asses.



How the hell do you bat     



and not be selected

into the Hall of Fame?



- What type of bullshit is that?

- [Feedback]



Let me tell you something.



You-all believed in me

when I was at my best.



You-all believed in me

when I was at my worst.



You, the fans!



[Cheers and applause]



That's why I know for a fact



I can depend on you-all to bring

me, Stan Ross, to Cooperstown.



I can hear you say "Stan!"







Say "Stan Ross"!



Stan Ross!



He's the boss!



Say "Hall of Fame"!



Hall of Fame!



It's a damn shame!



Over here, say, "Hell, yeah"!



Hell, yeah!



Say, "Hell, yeah"!



Hell, yeah!



Say, "You're the man"!



You're the man!



Let me hear it again!



You're the man!



- They love me.

- You're the man!



[Cheering and chanting]



You got a minute?



Hang on.




You know how when we think

somebody's gonna be voted in,



we run the numbers.



Every win,

every home run, every hit?






We were running that

for Stan Ross.



A list of every one

of his      hits.



- There's an error.

- One of the hits was an error?



No, all the hits were hits.

There just aren't      of them.




Start over.



Okay, there was a game in May

     that was called for curfew.



When they finished in August,

the hits were recorded twice.



Once in May, once in August.



Stan Ross had three hits

in that game.



That means that three

of the hits don't count.



- So you're telling me...

- Stan Ross, Mr.     



- has only      hits.

-      hits.



As Yahko tried to escape

across the rope bridge,



he realized that he was trapped

by both sides



by the dreaded, evil boars.



Yahko knew his only hope

was to do the unthinkable,



and that was to jump

far, far below



into the raging, raging river.



Hold on, kids.









Hey, man, the press

is eating it up.



What happens to Yahko?



Shh, shh, shh, shh.



- What happened to Yahko?

- What?



- What happened to Yahko?

- What happened to Yahko?



Shut up!




I can't believe you said that.






Man, that's bullshit!



- Oh, Mr. Ross.




- Please, the children.

- Man, hell with the kids!



Yahko's dead!



SCOTT: The Hall of Fame vote

is in, and Stan Ross is not.



The always-controversial




had slowly crept to within

four votes of enshrinement,



but this time

finished     votes shy,



following a correction

in the record books



that left him three hits short

of the magical     .



- Stan's gonna wait

- Turn it off.



Till next year

to wait till next life.



From the green...



I can't let them do it to me.



I can't let them

take away my legacy.



* Watch me! *



* Watch me! *



* I got it *



* Watch me! *



* I got it, hey! *



You love me because I'm one

of the greatest hitters alive.



* I got somethin'

that tells me *



You love me because I'm one

of the greatest hitters alive.



* I got soul,

and I'm super bad *



You love me because I'm one

of the greatest hitters alive.



* I got soul *



* And I'm super bad *



* I got it, hey! *



I'm back!



The King with the Swing, the

right arm they call "The Gun,"



Stan Ross.



Nitroglycerin himself.






the man with sweetest swing

in the major league, is back.




You gotta be joking.



How old are you?






   and getting younger.



That's why I love you, man.



Man, what the hell?

What's your damn problem, man?



That was  /   of a second.



That's how much time you have



after the ball

leaves the pitcher's hand



to decide whether it's

a fastball, a split-finger.



Wait, wait.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.



What you know about the game?

You played in the majors?




He's drunk.



No, I've just been

a Brewers fan my whole life



while you treated the team and

the fans and the city like dirt.



Yo, Boca, get this man

another bottle.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.



- I want you to try it again.

- What?



'Cause last time

I wasn't standing at the plate.



Come on, try it again.







See that?



Three more of these.



Three more hits.



As I said before,

Stan Ross is back.



Better talk to him, Boca.



Ladies and gentlemen, number   

the great, the fantastic,



Mr. Incredible.






MAN: I thought

when we retired his number,



we wouldn't have to see

that prick anymore.



MAN # : He's a senior citizen.

Do you think I want him here?



And he hasn't played the game

in nine years.



It's not like we're in

the American League anymore,



so he's gotta play the field.



Can he even handle first base

at his age, let alone hit?






We are in fifth place,

and we are not drawing flies.



And we've got two

very long months ahead of us.



The biggest crowd

we've had all year



was the day we retired

Stan's number.



Now, we give him a physical.



Give him a month

to get in shape.



Then after that September

roster expansion,



if he's up to it,

we put him in the lineup.



Bo, all I need is a bat.



That's it, baby.



Look at him.



He ain't got no waist on him.

He got nothin'.



- Stan Ross.

- Hey.



Eddie Richling.

I'm the conditioning coach.



He here to carry you home?



The only thing Boca gonna carry

is my plaque.



- That's why I love you.

- I love you more.



Is that right?

How many push-ups can you do?



One arm or two?



Well, I'll tell you what,

last time I counted,



what was it, about      ?



I got   bucks in my pocket

says you can't give me   .



That's easy money.

Back up, man.



- You better help your boy down.

- He didn't help me in.



Come on, let's see what you got.



Okay, well, that's one.



How many is that?



Oh, I don't know.

I'd say      .



That's four.



Come on, Stan.

You got this one.



Oh, oh!

Your knee touched, man.



- That's a girl push-up.

- You see my knee touch?



Well, it might have, yeah.



But who said

girl push-ups don't count?



Yeah, who said

girl push-ups don't count?



How you want to pay me,

cash or check?



Oh, look at them arms

starting to shake.



Come on.







Okay, Stan, now you ready

to get started for real?



Man, what type of shit is this?



Hydrostatic weighing.



It's how we determine how much

body fat you really have.



I don't need my balls washed

to tell you how much I weigh.



Hold your breath, Stan.



This ain't nothin'

but a Southern baptism.



It's called

modern technology, Stan.



Recently, the Brewers

have incorporated new methods



of training

into their exercise regimen.



We're gonna get you started

on this bad boy.



- Look at this.

- Mm-hmm.



This looks like some punishment.



Actually, it's very gentle.



It's called Pilates.






Breathe in.



Okay, feel the extensors now.



I feel like Flipper.



B, that's what

I'm talkin' about.



I'm gonna start off real light,

about    .



You can throw     on

if you want to, chicken chest,



but your equipment

is right over there.



Remember what I told you.

Keep that ass up.



All right, push!



Whoa, where you going?



Is this a joke?



It's only a joke if you think

weak abs are funny.



Feel it in your lats?



You ask me about my lats.

Yeah, I feel it.



My spine and my butt, too.



Push it! Push it!

Push it!



- Come on!

- Aah!



* It's fun to stay

at the Y.M. C.A. *



* They have everything

for young men to enjoy *



* You can hang out

with all the boys *



Whoa, where you going?

Get back here.



* It's fun to stay

at the Y.M. C.A. *







* You can get yourself clean,

you can have a good meal *



* You can do

whatever you feel *



Stand up.



Sit down.



Come on, now up.









Look at this boy go.

Look at your boy.



- What's your name?

- Stan Ross.



- Tell 'em your name.

- Stan Ross.



- Who are you?

- Stan Ross!



- Louder!

- They call me the boss.



- Who?

- 'Cause I pay the cost.



- Why?

- 'Cause I'm Stan Ross!



* You can get yourself clean,

you can have a good meal *



* You can do whatever... *



So, tomorrow, man, you ready?



Game's changed a lot

since we last played.



I still see the ball.

I still hit the ball.



All day.



But I do miss playin'.



I know I always said I didn't,

but I do.



Ain't nothin' like hittin'

in the major leagues.



Bein' a part

of that great tradition.



I never felt that type

of respect



that I felt on the ball field.



That kind of attention.



Oh, shoot, that reminds me.



You got a call this afternoon.



Some ad-agency guy

from New York.






Was it Reebok?



It's not Reebok.



Adidas or Nike?









Viagra, man.

You'd be the spokesman.



I ain't gonna be no damn

spokesman for no Viagra.



I can still swing my bat, Bo.




Are we ready to roll here?



Okay, the Milwaukee Brewers



are pleased to be able to help

a member of the Brewer family



reclaim his rightful place

in baseball history.



So it is with great pride

that I introduce to you



the once and future Mr.     

Stan Ross.



Thank you.



Thank you, Mr. Schembri, and the

Milwaukee Brewers organization.



And I promise,

it won't be like last time



when I'm in front

of the microphone



with all that cussin'

and shit, you know?



- Hey, Stan.

- Yes?



Is this only about

getting back to      hits,



or do you believe

you can help make the Brewers



more competitive on the field?



How could I not make them

more competitive?



Let me be a little polite here.



The Milwaukee Brewers are weak.



- MAN: Here we go.

- Who they got?



They're a Little League team.

You all know it. They need me.



How do you think you'll adjust

to the contemporary game?



You ever heard of Harold Melvin

& The Blue Notes?



Earth, Wind & Fire?



Some things

just always play well.



A little "old school"

is what this team needs.



- You nervous?

- What if you don't hit?



What's that?



I said, "What if you don't hit?"



If all this talk is just talk



and it becomes obvious

you're hurting the team,



will you take yourself

out of the lineup?



I said I'm gonna hit.



When I say

I'm gonna do something, I do it.



That's not always how it works.



Well, it is for me.



Not the way I remember.



Maybe you remember something you

thought I said I was gonna do,



but didn't say

I was gonna do it,



'cause I cold-blood do

everything I say I'm gonna do.




Is that the way you were raised?



Straight up and down, like  :  .



So what does your mama think

about this comeback foolishness?



Why are we getting

on this Mama stuff?



Okay, that's it for today,




Thank you very much.




Just get one more question.



Get in line.



You really nailed him

on that one.









What you doing here?



What do you think?

I'm covering the story for ESPN.




Why you, though?




They sent me.



Just by chance,

you ain't here to see me?



No, I'm on assignment.



They asked me to cover a story,

so I'm covering it, period.



I'll see you at the ball park.



Mo, Mo, Mo, Mo.

Wait, wait.



How about an exclusive?






You and me?







You think you'll get three hits

in your first three at-bats



and get this thing over with?



Come on, Mo, I'm    years old.



It'll probably take me maybe

four at-bats.



You're one of a kind, Stan Ross.

Thank you for sitting with us.



Good luck tonight.



Thank you.



That's it. Thanks, guys.

That's a wrap.



- That wasn't too bad, was it?

- That was great.



After I get my hits today, you

want to come by and celebrate?



You know, you better keep

your mind on the game, Mr.     .



You thinkin', eh?



Well, we'll see

in a few hours, won't we?



Stan, you da man.



Livin' legend, baby.



Yes, sir, all you got to do

is walk up in there



and take those youngsters

to school.



Hey, oh, good.

Buddy, come here.



Help me out, please,

with the zipper.



- Hey, can you give me a hand?

- You best mean a handshake.



Wait a minute.

You're Stan Ross.



Stan! Stan! Huge fan.

You gotta help me out.



You gotta unzip me.



I'm gonna tell my buddies.

"Stan Ross unzipped my pants. "



You crazy.



Oh, crazy?

Thinkin' I'm crazy?



Where is he?

Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan.



Let me tell you something.

I am crazy!



Crazy for asking you

to give me a hand!



[Rock music plays]



WOMAN: Yeah, good luck

on tonight's game.



Now, this shit is all right.



Uh-huh, sound effects

could be a little bit louder



when a brother hit.



That shit should sound

like a cannon!



Mr. Ross.



I'm Rick,

the clubhouse assistant.



Just Stan.

I'm just Stan.



All right.

That's your locker over there.




The Arizona Diamondbacks



and the Milwaukee Brewers.



Go ahead, man,

it's in my locker.



- I'm Stan Ross.

- I know very well who you are.



I grew up watching your

excellent play on television.



You are hero to many

young Japanese players.



But you have hole in your ass.



Hole in my ass?



- What's his problem?

- That's Fukuda.



He was taught English

in school in Japan,



but they never taught him

to cuss worth a damn.



But why he cuss me out?

I never did nothin' to him.



Brother, you're looking

at    Little Leaguers in here



who want to give you

an ass-whupping.



Oh,  - !

 -  man!



 - .



You're right,  - .

I was trying to cheat.



Minadeo, Skillett.

Second and short.



They'll go at it over anything.



What are you talking about?

No! That's half out.



- It all got to be in.

- It half went in.



It has to go in, all of it.



You're always

trying to pull this.



What do you say, Grandpa?

Does that count?






- MAN: Here it is.

- Uh-oh. Lineup!



Base hit, dinner's on me.



Ah, yes!

Now batting leadoff.



Skills that pay the bills.







Was Panas here yet

back when you were playing?



Yeah, he was here.



I don't think I was

one of his favorites.



Stan Ross, you bat eighth!

Ha ha!




That's for banjo hitters.



Man, I never batted lower

than fifth in my life.



You bat that now,

you son of my dick.



Son of my dick?



Hey, what size you swinging

over there, Old School?



   ounce, like I always have.



You sure you can still get

around with that at your age?



Don't you worry about me.



I've been swinging

this thing sweet



before you knew which side

of the bat was the good end.






Yeah, I swing a    myself.



Yeah, that's big talk.



I got a hammer my damn self.






Come on, Coach.




Ross, you suck!



How's it feel, Stan?



How about an interview

after the game?



Come on, now, don't distract me

when I'm hittin'.



Hitting's my business.



- That's what I'm talkin' about.

- Lookin' good, Stan.



MAN: Stan!

Still the Wizard of Wood!






Oh, yeah.



I'm about to take care

of business.



[Organ music plays]













ANNOUNCER: Bottom of the third,

and the cheers you hear,



and the boos, for that matter,

are for Stan Ross.



It's the reason

most of the      -plus fans



are here tonight.



MAN ON P. A: First baseman,

number    Stan Ross.



This guy throws

pretty hard, Pops.



Is that right?



Well, I hit pretty hard, son.



Strike one.



Come on, Stan.



Be aggressive.



I am.



Stay focused.

Keep your eye on the ball.



I'm looking dead at it.



I don't need you

to tell me what to do.



Come on in.



I've been here before.



This ain't

my first picnic, baby.



Ooh, Stan was a hair off



timing that big breaking ball

from Hamilton.



Of course, all season,

a lot of hitters,



who aren't    years old,

have been fooled by Hamilton.



And we're the Little Leaguers?



Not so aggressive, baby.







He playin' to you.



Let him play to you, baby.

Come on.



Come on, Stan.



Come on, baby.







Inside fastball,



and Stan Ross is out of there

on three straight pitches.



It looks like it could be a long

night for the King of Swing.



What up?

Welcome to "SportsCenter. "



Stuart Scott with you.

We got some more baseball.



Braves at Brewers.




Who cares?



Well, Stan Ross cares.



The first week at bat



was a lot like the first week

out of the womb for Stan.



A lot of drooling and a lot

of just flailing around



for the erstwhile King of Swing.



Let's check out the highlights.



Well, Stan the man

more like Stan the statue,



just chillin' at a curve

for strike one.



Next pitch.

Now, wait a second.



What was it that Stan said

about the rest of his team?



The Milwaukee Brewers are weak.



Who they got?



They're a Little League team.



They need me.




Little Leaguers, huh?



Well, my  -year-old

has a better swing



and better eyes than that.



Oh! Just chillin'

at a called strike three,



and, well, that'll get you

some halitosis action.



Yeah, when you get just a

little too close to the umpire.



Stan's not done. He decided

to do a little spring cleaning.



Either that,

or he just wants to symbolize



how well he's been playing.



Yeah, garbage!



Now, I'm not gonna say that

every Brewer but Stan had a hit,



but I am gonna say that every

Brewer but Stan that played



had a hit.



Our Maureen Simmons was at

the game and had postgame duty.



Not the day Stan Ross or

the Milwaukee fans had in mind.



Word around the organization

is that manager Gus Panas



is particularly unhappy having

Ross back in the lineup.



Apparently he hasn't forgotten

the way Stan abandoned the team



in the middle of

the pennant race nine years ago.






The press is having a field day.



Hey, they're just

getting even with Stan



for all those years of abuse.



For turning this team

into a laughingstock.



Five games and hasn't

gotten close to a hit.



How long do we let this go on?



We got       people

in the park today.



We're committed to this.



Whether Stan Ross

ever gets another hit or not.



You sure you don't want anything

stronger than club soda?



Oh, no, I'm good.



Thanks, Boca.



Why you call him Boca?



Look at him.



He look like he's ready for

Boca Raton with them tracksuits.



Stan don't appreciate my velour.



That's all he wears.



Mo, I swear, he has

a black one for funerals.



Just comin' from me,

I think my man



take his old Reebok endorsement

deal a little too serious.



- Hey, a lifetime supply.

- That's why I love you.



- No, that's why I love you.

- No, I love you more.



No, I love you more.



No, no, I started the love.



And your life's been richer

ever since.



I hear you.



Nice to see you again, Mo.



Mm, you too, Tony.



So, you hire a fancy decorator

to help you do this place?



Girl, you need to quit fightin'.



You know doggone well



you thought I was gonna be old

and tired when I quit the game.



- I never thought about it.

- You thought it.



But I got news for you.



I own this place, and I own

all the stores next door.



     Suds,      Woks,

and      Beeps.



That's why you're comin' back.

So all them names make sense.



Sister, you know

why I'm comin' back.



'Cause I deserve to be in the

Hall of Fame with the immortals.



You know, you really shouldn't

word it like that.



- Is that right?

- Mm-hmm.



- What?

- Oh, you know what.



You better hush.



You eatin' that steak.

Let me see something.



- Come here. Flex.

- Mnh-mnh.



Mo, Mo, baby, look at you.

Come on, Mo.



Look at you, Mo.






And quick still.



You gonna eat this?



You sure got time to eat.



Baby, you hungrier

than a hostage.



Ooh, take a bite out of crime.



That killed me there,

I'll tell ya.



I thought the lady must have...



Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.



You don't train no more.

You don't drink no more.



What's up with that?



'Cause I remember

you used to drink



half the American League

underneath the table.



I realized I had

to start cuttin' loose



from those things that

weren't getting me anywhere.



- Where you need to be gettin'?

- On with my life.



We don't stay young forever.



Come on.

You know we're young enough.



Ooh, I don't think so, Mr. Ross.



Come on, I know you remember

what it was like.



You can't say we didn't have

something special.



Good night.



What about Kansas City?

That was a mind-blowing weekend.



You mean to tell me

you forgot about that?









when I had your toenails

poppin' off like Redenbacher.



- Bye.

- Come on, how about Toronto?



[Tires screech]






- Uh-huh.

- Oh.



- Come on, say it.

- Come on, now.



You know I didn't expect you

in Toronto.



You know how

those Canadian groupies are.



- Come on, now.

- You know what?



Don't give me that crap.



You're a selfish man.

You always were.



Okay, if you so upset, why was

you willing to get back with me?



We got together for a night,



but I didn't stay

for breakfast, did I?



We'd still be doin' it if you

didn't take that ESPN gig.



When there's a better offer

on the table, you gotta take it.



I'll pay for it.



- Bye-bye.

- [Tires screech]



ANNOUNCER: The count is  - 

on the second baseman Minadeo.



Brewers down by  .



Runner at first.



They sure could use

a little spark here.



Glickman now on the mound,

working from the stretch.



Throws to first

and picked him off.



Skillett is caught napping.



When is this ball club

going to wake up?



Another mistake.



Minadeo steps back in.



Here's the wind and the pitch.



Swung on, a one-hopper

back to the mound.



He bobbles it,

but what's Minadeo doing?



He's not running.

Now they pick it up.



The throw to first,

and he's out.



- Aah!

- Come on!




Look at that.



There should be a man on first

and second right now.



But easy, Gus.

Don't get excited.



I don't want you

to pop no blood vessel.



What you-all havin', prayer?



ANNOUNCER: The only shining star

on the team these days



is their strapping young

outfielder, T-Rex Pennebaker.



But even his impressive

power numbers



have done little to stop

the Brewers' losing streak.



Pennebaker digs in.



And here's the windup

and the pitch.



Swung on and a deep, deep drive

to left field.



It's going, going.



It is gone!



 - .



Yet another bases-empty home run

for T-Rex Pennebaker.



What the hell is that?



That right there?



That's a little somethin'

for "SportsCenter. "



Plus, that's gonna look tight

in next year's video game.



What the hell

you call yourself doin'?



Yo, I'm puttin' the show

in the show.



But your team losin'.



Instead of playin',

you makin' like Mr. Bojangles.



I just hit a home run, son.



Maybe you was takin'

a grandpa nap during that part.



But your team

gettin' picked off.



Your boys ain't

beatin' out grounders.



There should've been two men on

when you hit that homer.



It should be

a ball game right now.



So yell at them, Old School.



Get up out of my face.

I did my job.



You the superstar.



You set the tone.



Listen here.



When you get a base hit

in this millennium,



then you can come on down there

and talk to me.



Is that right?



Yeah, that's right.



Hey, Stan, you think that

diaper's affecting your swing?



Maybe you should use

something lighter.



How about a Wiffle bat?




How 'bout I shove

my Hall of Fame bat



up the crack of your mascot ass?



Make you a hot dog

on a stick, bitch.



Yeah? I might be

a sausage with teeth,



but you sure as hell

ain't no Hall of Famer.



- * If you disrespect *

- What?



* Everybody that you run into *




Looks familiar?






You ain't changed nothin'

since back in the day.



In fact, I don't think

you even vacuumed.



Well, why mess with perfection?



Oh, I can think

of a lot of descriptions



for this couch, and "perfection"

ain't one of 'em.






What's the deal there?



How come I hardly see you

on "SportsCenter" anymore?



You know.



They got some pretty young thing

they tryin' to groom.



That's bull.

They can't treat you like that.



I remember once upon a time

I pushed out the   -year-old.



I been playin' this game

long enough to know how it goes.



But I've been lookin' ahead

toward it, you know?



I'm gonna start producing

next year.



- I'm goin' behind the camera.

- Oh, you go, girl.



Like I've been telling you,

you can't beat Father Time.



Well, how come you really

haven't settled down?



The right man wasn't right.



[Marvin Gaye's

"Let's Get It On" plays]



* I've been really trying,

baby *



What's the matter with you?



That's my song.



* Trying to hold back

this feeling for so long *



Come on, bump with me.

Don't leave me hangin'.



Come on.

I need you, now.



Don't leave me hangin'.

Come on.



Come on.

Come on out here.



All right, only 'cause

I like this song, too.



- Not 'cause I like you.

- I'll take it.



- * Whoo, let's get it on *

- Come on.



* Oh, baby *



* Let's get it on *



- Hey.

- * Let's love, baby *



- * Let's get it on *

- [Chuckles]



Still got it, girl.



* Sugar *



- * Let's get it on *

- Still got it.



- Stan.

- Yeah, baby?



Honey, stop chasing the butt.



You know what, Mo?



The best sex I ever had

was with you.



- What?

- Yeah.



You had girls in every city

in baseball.



It wasn't the best.



Why is that?

We do it longer?



Not really.



More positions, then?



I ain't goin' there.






More times a night?



Oh, you still hold the record.



I don't know, baby.

I guess I like the rest of it.



The rest of it?

What's left?



Well, you know.



I like the sleepin'

and the talkin'



and hangin' out

and stuff like that.



* Giving yourself to me *



- * Can never be wrong *

- But that's not sex.



It is to me.



No, it's not sex.



What you call that, then?



* Ooh-ooh *



* Now, don't you know *



* How sweet and wonderful

life can be? *



* Ooh-ooh *



* I'm asking you *



Before we go too far,

I can't spend the night.



- Why not?

- Early flight.



Where you got to go?



I got three games

before we go on the road.



- But I got to get back.

- You got to get...



Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait.



Are you givin' up on me, Mo?



- What you got to say?

- I don't have a say.



I just go where I'm assigned.



You tell 'em I'm startin' to

swing the bat good again?



I'm just a reporter.



I don't make the news

or decide what is the news.



- You're givin' up on me, too.

- Mnh-mnh.



You just got to

make the news, baby.



- Start hittin' that ball.

- Come on.



- What?

- Come on.



You want to go up?

Stay down? What?






I'm not in the mood right now.






You're kiddin'.

You're not in the mood?



- No.

- Oh, come on, baby.



No, I got a headache.



Really? You gonna tell me

you got cramps, too?






You know...









All right, now.

I'm leavin'.



Lord, just when I thought

I'd seen it all.



[Door closes]



T- REX: When you get a base hit

in this millennium,



then you can come on down...




I can still swing my bat.




You think you'll get three hits



in your first three at-bats?



[Indistinct talking]




More like Stan the statue.




When you get a base hit...



MO: You just got to make

the news, baby.



Start hittin' that ball.



MAN: One, two, three strikes,

you're out!



Oh, bat boy.



Ooh, ooh, a little testy.

A little testy.



Anybody have

a Stan Ross rookie card?



[Scattered cheers]



Quite valuable.



If you look on the back, you'll

see it's written in Latin.



You see, very old.



Very old card.

It's on parchment.



- [Channel changes]

- He's now  -   in his comeback.



At what point, Peter,

does the rust come off?



I'm not sure it does.



Remember, Jim Palmer

tried to come back



after he was

in the Hall of Fame,



and he kept himself

in better shape than Ross.



Why does the media hate

this guy so much?



He's a jerk.



Because T-Rex is the best

in power and performance.



Find it at Radio Shack.



Radio Shack.

You've got questions.



We've got answers.



'Cause I want my hits

that got stolen from me.



Those hits are my ticket

to the Hall of Fame.



He's not going

to the Hall of Fame!



You think three hits

are keeping you out?



     hits, baby,

it's automatic.



Look at me.



You're    years old. You're fat.

You're out of shape.



Favorite portion of the show,

the comedy portion.



I'm gonna say it here,



the woman that puts on

the sausage outfit



that races around Miller Park



has got a better chance

of getting a hit than Stan Ross.



- [Audience jeering]

- That's not fair, Tom.



He's a black athlete.



Black athletes age slower.



George Foreman didn't

know when to get out.



Mike Tyson didn't

know when to get out.



Michael Jordan struggled,

and he was only out two years.



This guy hasn't played since

I was married to my first wife.



It just isn't possible

to get out of his day.



He's a bad teammate.



- Stan Ross was a great athlete.

- Stan is all about Stan.



The Brewers knew

what they were getting into.



It's a publicity stunt,



just like when the White Sox

hired that midget.



Tom, you can't say "midget. "



He's small. That guy was small

for a friggin' midget.



It's like if the Red Sox

thawed out Ted Williams,



although he'd hit better

than Stan.



Listen, Stan's playing

like he's frozen.



Stan is embarrassing.

He's embarrassing me.



He's embarrassing him.

He should give it up.



But when an athlete gets to that

point, he loses all his pride.



Yeah, you're making me cry.

I don't think he's embarrassed.



I think he's having

a party at his place,



got bitches all around

and counting all his money.



I don't think Stan cares.



MAN: Wrong!

He's embarrassed.



He used to be able to hit,

cannot hit now.




Very embarrassing,



especially with all the bitches

he got around.



[Television turns off]



Hey, Boca.



You think I should quit?



Do your thing, man.



You think?



I'm just saying.



Yeah, you're right.



I got three home games

against the Astros



before we go on the road.



I'm gonna play those games,

and that's it.



If I don't get a hit, it's over.



I'm not goin' on the road.



What you think, Boca?



Do your thing, man.



You think?



I'm just saying.






You're right.



You want to get married?



You the only one that love me.

I'm serious.



I've been waitin'    years

for you to ask me that.



And now that you have,

I don't know.



Yeah, you right.



Okay, Erica Kane.



Dog, come on.

"All My Children. "



You need to step up the degree

of difficulty, brother.



Asa Buchanan.



- That's ABC, right?

- I ain't telling you nothing.



- Oh! "One Life to Live. "

- Yeah.



- Okay, I got one.

- Come on.



Don Roberto.



Oh, that's the dude

with the cologne.



- "Guiding Light. "

- [Laughs]



- What?

- Wrong!



It's "Amigas y Rivales. "



No, we're not doing

Spanish shows, man.



[Speaking Spanish]



I don't know what you're saying.



What the hell they doing?



Seeing who can name the soaps.



You known me for two years.



- Have I ever spoke Spanish?

- Hey.



Why don't you have a contest

guessin' which team losin'?



- Stupid.

- MAN: Come on, Stan.



Get a hit, Grandpa.






[Organ music plays]








Come on, Brewers!



- Oh!

- Strike three!



He tucks his arm in

on the curve.




Number    Stan Ross.






You see that?

Hey, Skillett!



You see that?



I was all over

that nickel curve ball.




Looked like a groundout to me.



Say what, partner?



I said, "It looked like

a groundout to me. "



You don't see it.



He tipped his pitch,

and I called it.



Koron, how long has this pitcher

been in the league?



- Two years.

- Two years, man!



He's showin' his pitch,

and he don't know it.



Watch his right arm.



His elbow go in like this.

He grip the ball.



He throwin' a curve ball.



Dip, grip, curve ball.



Come on, man!






Come on, baby!



Come on!




Runners lead away,



and Fukuda working

from the stretch.



The pitch, and a swing

and a solid line-drive single



to left field.



And another run scores.



The Astros in a position now

to break this game wide-open.






You okay?



I don't want Panas

to take me out.



I had a few bad outings

in a row,



and if I don't get my face out

my ass and get out this inning,



I know the team is going to

give me the shoe.



Give you the shoe?



Yeah, the shoe.



Look, don't be thinkin'

negative out here, okay?



Just keep the ball low and away.

We'll get you out the inning.



Then I'm gonna work

on your cussin'.



Come on.



Let's go, baby.

Let's go.



MAN ON P. A: Shortstop,

number   Cecil Gervis.



ANNOUNCER: Gervis, with a  -game

hitting streak, at the plate.



Fukuda checks his sign.



The right-hander

from the stretch,



checks the runners now,

and here's the pitch.



A big swing and a slow roller

towards short.



Skillett charges.

His only play is to first.



He's safe.

The bases are loaded.



- And Ross is hot.

- That's the third out!



That's the third damn out!



Ray Charles

could've called that call!



Last warning.



Damn you, man!



Be with me.



Just be with me.



Come on, let's go.



Let's go!



Two out!



I don't know why

I bothered comin' back.



You can't play.

You definitely can't ump.



You need to relax

before you pop a valve.



- You need to sit your ass down.

- Yeah? Why's that?



- Because you out!

- He's out!



Right here.

Right here, baby!



Grab some, bitch!



* Whoomp, there it is! *




Let's go, Brewers, let's go.



STAN: Their man keep throwing

curve balls. That's all he got.



He lost his slider.

He lost his fastball.



Curve ball.

Curve ball.



Watch this.

Watch this.




Here you go.



What'd I tell you?

What'd I...



- Curve ball.

- Listen to what I'm telling you.



If he throw another curve ball,



I'm gonna slap

the shit out of T-Rex.



Watch him. Watch. Watch.

Watch him.




Curve ball!



* Groovin' *



* Ain't no stopping us now *



* Groovin' *



Aah, what'd I tell you?



What'd I tell you, baby?



Yo, what are you jawin' about

now, Old School?



He tipped his pitch.

You saw it.



Are you still talking

about that weak-ass ground ball?



Yeah, I'm talking about it.



All right, let me tell you

something, man.



All right?

I hit    home runs.



   home runs before

you ever even got here, man.



So I don't need none of that.



So save it!



- T-Rex.

- T-Rex.



It's the    st time you've

homered but your team's lost.



Does that get to you?



My team lost, huh?



You know what, man?



This ain't my team.



If this was my team,



these fools would be hittin'

home runs like I'm hittin'.



And they'd be stealin' bases

like I'm out there stealin'.



I'm the only one out there

gettin' mine.



What the rest of these fools




They ain't doin' crap!

Talk about a team!



We go out there every day,

but there ain't no nine guys.



This is me up in here.

There's eight other cats...



STAN: Whoa!



Boy, that pup sound just like me

back in the day, I swear.



Boy, I'm tellin' you.



But you didn't catch the real

story on tonight's game.



No, come here.

Let me ask you a question.




Move it over there.



When was the last time

you saw a   -year-old man



end an inning with

the hidden-ball trick, huh?



Is that the first time

you pulled that off in a game?



Are the Brewers goin'

to the World Series?



It was     

against the Mariners.



Yo, T-Rex.



Hold up.



You know why I stepped in

tonight with them reporters?






You can't stand to see another

brother gettin' some attention.



- Boy, that's what you think?

- Yeah, man, that's what I think.



Let me tell you something.



You keep talking about

your teammates the way you do,



boastin' about yourself, you're

gonna end up all by yourself.



All alone and empty,

like you are right now.



You know what's gonna happen?



They're gonna retire

your number someday,



and Big Horse Berelli gonna be

standin' up there with you.



[Scoffs] Yeah? Who the hell

is Big Horse Berelli?



That's my point exactly.



Nice car.




"Mister Softee" tune]




He's picking up his stride,



blowing away the competition.



Looks like the bratwurst

is getting smoked.



No pun intended, kids.



Looks like number   the Italian

sausage, has won the race.



Now batting, first baseman,

number    Stan Ross.



Come on, man.










Yeah! [Laughs]




Hey, Stan!



* Yeah *



* Hey *



* When you wish upon a star *



* Dreams will take you

very far *



* Yeah *



CROWD: [Chanting]

Stan! Stan!



* No matter who you are *



* Shining bright to see *



* What you can truly be *



* You're a shining star *



* No matter who you are *



* Shining bright to see *



* What you can truly be *



* You're a shining star *



Yo, listen up, y'all.



Yo! Yo!



Listen up!



That was a good game, y'all.



Hey, Stan Ross.



I got one question for you, man.



Yo, man, what the hell

was you thinkin'?






Y'all saw Old Man River



swimmin' all up in the dirt

for a hit today!



Yo, but listen, man.



How many games we got left

in this season?







   games left, y'all.



And how many games

out of third place are we?









We're only   games out, y'all.



Now, I don't see a damn reason



why we should settle

for being in fifth place, yo!



- Yeah!

- Yeah!



So let's get it together, and

let's do this like it's October!



Yeah! Yeah!







Let's get a "Brewers" on three!



Brewers on three!



-      !

- ALL: Brewers!



-      !

- Brewers!



Ohh, but listen.



I'm on third base, right?



Nolan Ryan looking at me like

he want to kill me, right?



Boca's getting ready to bunt.

The manager didn't call it.



But I know Boca's a ballplayer.



He's the real deal.

Plus, I know what he thinkin'.



Yeah, he was thinkin' that I was

thinkin' what he was thinkin'.



Well, I'm ready

to sprint towards home.



As I'm tearin' down the line,



Boca decided

he wanted to swing away.



I wasn't thinkin'.



Man, wasn't thinkin'!



I mean, hit a screamin' liner

right past my head.



All I heard...



Oh, hold on, fellas.



Hold on.






- * Da-da-dah, da-da-dah! *

- ["SportsCenter" theme plays]



So, you're the story again.



Still mad at me?









I'm hittin' now.



* I've been really trying,

baby *



* Trying to hold back

this feeling *



- * For so long *

- Mmmm.



* And if you feel

like I feel, baby *



* Come on *



* Oh, come on *



See, this is the part

I'm talkin' about.



* Let's get it on *



- * Oh, baby *

- [Sighs]



* Let's get it on *



- * Let's love, baby *

- Yeah.



- * Let's get it on *

- Well...



Hey, where you goin'?




I gotta go.



You gotta go where?



I just gotta go.



What's up?



Look, Stan,

it was just sex, right?



I mean, best sex I ever had,

too, but that's all it was.



Whoa, whoa, whoa.



What about the sleepin',

talkin', and hangin' out part?



- What about that?

- That's your idea of sex.



Hold on.

A man could be wrong.



You said it wasn't sex.

I'm just trying to go with that.



It was really nice, Stan.



Wait. Let me talk to you

for a minute.



- Oh, oh, hold on now.

- What?



Wait, look.









I was thinkin'

about that producer.



The behind-the-camera stuff

you was talkin' about.



And I'm just wonderin'.



Ain't that something you can do

here in Milwaukee?










Stan, you're being very sweet.



But we both know that you

ain't never been serious enough



to go bringin' up

something like that.



So I'll see you

at the ball park.






* Oh *



* Get yourself together *



* Or we might as well

say goodbye *



* What good is a love affair *



* When we can't see

eye to eye, hey *



* If you don't know me by now *



["Take Me Out

to the Ball Game" plays]



- Hey, Stan.

- Yo.



- Say, "      go. "

-       go.



* Take me out to the ball game,

take me out with the crowd *



* Buy me some peanuts

and Cracker Jack *



* I don't care

if I ever get back *



Yo, yo!



Come on, with that noise.

I'm tryin' to watch a game.



What are you talkin'

about, papi?



This song is baseball.



That ain't no real

baseball song.



You want to hear

a real baseball song?



* Da da-da-da da da da *



* Da-da-da-da da da da *



* Da-da-da da-da da-da *



* Da-da-da-da da da da *



* Da da da da-da-da *



* Da da-da da da *



- * Da-da-da da-da da-da *

- What the hell is that?




Man, let me tell you something.



When I was a kid

on South Side Chicago,



we used to play baseball



when we got out of school

till it got dark,



when you couldn't see your hand

in front of your face.



I used to play center field,



and every single day, man,

Mister Softee ice-cream truck



used to park right behind me

and play that damn song.



- Told you!

- * Da-da-da da-da *




Hey, yo!



Yo! Yo! Yo!



Fellas, come on, now.

We got a game goin' on out here.



Come on, we got a shot

at third place.



You're right.



Besides, dog, that was wack!



Fairmount Park, Philly, son.



We had that Good Humor truck.



And this is what baseball music

sounds like.



* Da-da-da ska-da-da da-da *



* Da-da-da-da-da da da *



* Ska-da-da da-da da *



- Boo!

- Boo!



* Da da da da da-da-da-da *



That's why you're not playin'

today, 'cause of that song.



You're wrong for that.

Don't make no errors.



It was wrong the way I quit

on the team back then.



I was young, Skip.



I was young.



MAN ON P. A: Now batting,

shortstop, number   



Thurman Yost.



Mow him down, Fu!



* Hit it! *



* Yeah! *



* It takes two

to make a thing go right *



* It takes two

to make it out of sight *



* It takes two

to make a thing go right *



* It takes two

to make it out of sight *



- * Hit it *

- * I want to rock right now *



* I'm Rob Base,

and I came to get down *



* I'm not

internationally known *



* But I'm known

to rock the microphone *



* Because I get stupid,

I mean outrageous *



* Stay away from me

if you're contagious *



* 'Cause I'm the winner,

I'm not the loser *



* To be an emcee

is what I choose-a *



Son of a...



- Bitch.

- Good. Good. Good.



After the game, we pick up a...






That's pimp stuff.



Kiss my...



- Black ass!

- No, don't get personal.



Don't get personal.



No, no, no.



- I didn't mean it.

- I know.



Stan's batting average in     .



Come on, come on,

come on, come on.



- .   .

- Yeah.



Yeah, okay.

Okay, my turn.



Stan Ross' RBls in     .



-   .

- Oh, no,   !



Bullcrap! Let me see that.

Yeah, right.



- Crap!

-   .



- Let's play again.

- I don't want to play.



- You don't want to play?

- We got a game. Get serious.



You're a sore loser.

You know what?






He's such a crybaby.



- Strike!

- Oh!







Game tied at  .



Just one out and the winning run

at third base.



The Astro infield moving in.



And here comes Stan Ross.



He could win the game here

with a long fly ball,



but you can bet

that's not what he's thinking.



Infield tight, hitter's delight.



A great chance to get

hit number     .



T- REX: Come on, y'all.

Here we go, Stan.



Be a hitter, baby.

Be a hitter.



Come on, just drive the man in.

A good fly ball, okay?



And here comes the pitch.



He swings, and it's

a high fly ball to right.



It's carrying well.



It's to the warning track.



To the wall!



It is gone!



A home run!






Stan Ross touches them all.



I don't believe it.






* Whoa, I feel good *



- * I knew that I would, now *

- Aaaah!



* Ow! *



* Feel good *




Who's the old man, baby?



- Who's the old man, baby?

-   !



Who's the old man, baby?




I got your "old man," baby.



I got your "old man. "



Way to go, Stan.



I gave 'em

they money worth tonight.




You feel good?



- I feel great.

- You look great.



You looked like

a champion out there.



- Let me paint you a picture.

- Go ahead.



Miller Park, standing room only.



- Got that?

- I got it.



      screaming fans,



and they're there for one reason

and one reason only.



To watch the legendary Stan Ross

step to the plate and dig in.



Shoot, that ain't no picture.

That's a damn Rembrandt.



I agree, and that's why

I'm telling Gus



not to play you on the road.



Hold on, man.

Chill out, baby.



What are you talking about?

Man, we're on a roll.



We're going for third place.



You're one hit away

from making history, Stan.



Don't you think you owe it to

the fans to do it here at home?






I don't know. You're takin'

half my at-bats away.



Although I hit a home run,

I'm still   for   .



  for   !



* Stan Ross is at the plate,

the fans, they sit and wait *



Look, what I'm sayin' is,

don't cut me out.



The team need me.

Come on, now.



Stan, you heard the sausage.

You're   for   .



The team doesn't need you

to get third place.



They're on fire!

Come on, let's face it.



But you, my friend,



you have got to start thinking

about life after baseball.



I'm talking endorsements,

product lines.



A Stan Ross candy bar.



I want you doing press

all week long on the road, Stan.



You pull this off,



nothing's gonna keep you

out of the Hall of Fame.



You're a champion.



Hey, Stan, Tom Arnold here.

Congratulations on everything.



The team's on a tear.

You won seven in a row.



You guys could finish third.



Are you really talking to us

from the clubhouse?



Well, they're not gonna play me

until I come home,



so I might as well do

something else with my time.



Stan, how does it feel not

to be playing right now?



It don't feel good, especially

the way I've been swinging,



but that's Skip's decision.



I have to go with it

because, as you say,



we got a chance

to make third place.



And they were in fifth place

when you got there.



I finally got them playin'

patented Stan Ross baseball.



Okay, Stan.



Stan Ross, at    the oldest man

to homer in the major leagues.



How's it feel?



To tell you the truth, we

never thought you could do it,



and some of us hoped

you wouldn't,



so we owe you

an apology big-time.



Well, it takes a big man

to admit when he wrong,



but like my teammate

Kenji Fukuda taught me to say...



[Speaking Japanese]



What the hell

is he talking about?



- Stan.

- What does the future hold?



- Yeah, Stan.

- What about number     ?



What game are you

gonna get this hit in?



I think I'm gonna get it

on the next at-bat.



You got another homer

left in you?



Keep your popcorn by your side

'cause it's comin'.






- Stan Ross.

- Is it gonna be a home run?



The faster you throw it in,

the quicker it's goin' out.



- [Laughs]

- Hey, Stan.



I hope you weren't listening

to the trash



we were talking about you

before you hit your groove.



Tom, you wouldn't be where you

are if it wasn't for Roseanne.



You know what?



That would have hurt

if it wasn't true.



Stan Ross.



Hey, girl, you been watchin'?



The whole world

loves me again, baby.



Stan Ross, the King of Swing.



Sweetheart, I'm goin' national.



You know, you're starting

to sound like the old Stan.



No, you're gettin'

the best of both worlds.



The old and the new Stan Ross.



Team player, baby.



So after you go national

with all this press,



what's left for me?



I'm gonna tell you

what's left for you.



I'm gonna give you

a special exclusive.



You meet me at the ball park

Thursday morning at  :  .



Just you, me, and the team.



I called a practice on my

day off on our last home stand.



Wait a minute.



Stan Ross called for

an extra practice?



Now, I never thought

I'd live to see this day.



I guess you are getting

a little serious, huh?



Maybe I'm gettin' serious

about you.



I'll see you at practice.



Baby, you owe it to yourself.






Oh, boy.



What you gonna do?






- Hey, hey!

- How you doin', dog?



Hey, Stan, go get your hit

this Saturday, man.



I got tickets for that one.



No, I got tickets for tomorrow!



You save the stubs,

boys and girls,



because I'm going deep

every game,



and they all gonna be

collector's items.



You-all watch and see.



Come here.

I got a new idea. Listen.



I got a new PlayStation game,

"Hall of Fame Baseball,"



where I get a chance to hit

against those pitchers



that were dead

before I was born,



like Walter Johnson

and Christy Mathewson,



and that candy-ass Cy Young.



- [Laughs]

- Well, you draw up the plans.



You got a call an hour ago

from "The Tonight Show. "



They want you on there tomorrow.



I'm on a roll, man.

I'm tellin' you.



- That's big-time exposure.

- Here's the hook.



They want you

at the studio at  :  .



That's cool.



But you got that extra practice.



That's one practice.

One practice.



I'm talking about Jay Leno.

That's bigger than the game.



[Cheers and applause]




Stan Ross, come on out here!



[Cheers and applause]



What's up?



What's up, baby?



All on, baby.



Have a seat.



All right.



Team Brewer is on a roll,

making a push for third place.



Ha ha, baby,

I'm on a roll, too, Jay.



I'm on a roll, too.



I'm sure to stay on that roll,



what, are you taking

the Ensure every day?



- [Audience jeers]

- Is it once a day?



And then you have

a sensible meal for dinner.



I can do anything

a   -year-old can do.



Any doggone thing, baby.



- Anything, huh?

- Show you right.



Show you right.

And I can do it all night.






Yeah, there's a large black man

hitting on your wife.



- Yeah, show you right.

- What's next?



I started my own little stuff

right here.



Check this out.

Look at that.



- My own little candy.

- "Ross Bar. "



Get a shot of that one.



That is the most ratty-ass

candy bar I've ever seen.



It's a piece of loose-leaf paper

you wrote "Ross Bar" on.



- It's a prototype.

- Oh, the prototype.



You gotta start somewhere.



- You know, I'm an entrepreneur.

- [Laughter]



Once you get over the initial

modesty, I think you'll be fine.



You talkin' to the ladies' pet

the men regret.



- [Cheers]

- I'm Stan Ross.



What's my name, baby?




Stan Ross!



- They call me what?

- The boss!



- Because I...

- Pay the cost!



- Because I'm...

- Stan Ross!



Turn it up, baby!



Stan Ross.

Be right back right after this.



Don't go away.



[Cheers and applause]



Yes, sir.




Yo, Bo!



Did you see me, baby?

Ha ha.



Jay and I did our thing.

That ain't no ESPN.



I'm talkin' big-time.




Hey, baby.



Don't you "baby" me.



I went to the park this morning,

and you weren't there.



Your entire team was there,

and you're a no-show.



Well, I mean...



"Well?" Didn't you call

for the practice?



Besides letting down

your teammates,



you told me

I could interview you.



Well, interview me now.

Come on, turn the camera on.



It's not like

I'm hiding from you.



I'll come right around.

That ain't nothin'.






Come on, baby.



All right, forget this.

I'll freestyle it.



- Mark, Steve, are you ready?

- You didn't ask if I'm ready.



- You always ready.

- Let me get on that side.



You can see the balls.

It looks better.



- Hey, how you doin'?

- All right.






[Clears throat]

Come on, baby.



I'm here with Hall of Famer

hopeful Stan Ross,



who is now just one hit



from reclaiming his cherished

     career hits.



But let's talk

about the name "Mr.     ."



Fit just right, doesn't it?



Why is there so much emphasis

on the name?



Why do you care

so much about it?



Because it identifies greatness.



When you think of Mr.     

you think of Mr. Stan Ross,



one of the greatest hitters

straight up and down.



Who were you before Mr.     ?



Mr.     .



I'm just kidding.



Before that,

I was a young black kid



on the South Side of Chicago,

Stanley Ross, playin' baseball.



What does Stanley Ross

think of Mr.     ?



He wants his autograph.



- Really?

- Really.



- What about your teammates?

- They don't need it.



They get the chance to see

history in the making.



Oh, okay.



So what you're saying is,



your teammates get to see

your     th hit,



but not potentially move

into third place?



What I'm saying is,



thousands of people

bought tickets this weekend,



not to see us play for third

place, but to see me get my hit.



- Really?

- Damn right.



It's the same reason

why everybody else here.



Same reason why you here, unless

you're here for something else.



Oh, okay.



You selfish son of a bitch!



- You don't want that on-camera.

- No, I'm fine.



Because I'm not the one

who's desperate



to live his entire life

in front of the camera.



Tell them about Toronto

and the history you left there.



- That's so old.

- Your damn ego is so old!



It hasn't changed, Stan.



[Voice breaking] I mean,

how am I supposed to think



about moving here when you can't

do what you say you're gonna do?



Mo, it's only

one damn practice, baby.



You know it's bigger

than one practice, Stan.



But you're right.



I am here to record

your history in the making.



And it's the same

as it ever was.







You gonna run after her?






I'll catch her later.



I got ball games to play.









- Whew.

- What?



No, I'm just saying, man,

that's why I love you, man.



Wait a minute.

What do you mean?



[Scoffs] I'm just saying

that I could always count on you



to do your thing, you know?



You're consistent.

You're always driven.



And you're always for yourself.



You sayin' that's a good thing?



I'm just saying.



[Rock music plays]



* Come on! *




Just two weeks ago, fans,



the Milwaukee Brewers

seemed willing



to accept

their perennial position



in the division cellar.



Is it more than a coincidence



that their solid defense

and clutch hitting



started with

Stan Ross'     th hit?



While Ross was just a spectator

during their last road trip,



T- Rex Pennebaker has emerged

as the team leader.



We've all witnessed the mounting

frustration for Ross,



who has gone hitless



in the first two games

against the Astros



in this, his final home stand.



You can't help but wonder

what's going through his mind



as Ross' window of opportunity



to join that elite

    -hit club



is about to close and close

before a nationwide audience.



So, here we are.

The stage is set.



A re-energized team plays

for respectability,



while Stan Ross knocks on

the door of baseball greatness.



Tonight,       fans

witness as history unfolds



over nine innings

of Brewers baseball.



Last chance to go out there

and get yours.



We have a lineup change tonight.



In hopes of squeezing out

an extra at-bat for Ross,



he's hitting cleanup right

behind Rex Pennebaker.



MAN ON P. A: Now batting,

first baseman, number   



Stan Ross!



ANNOUNCER: This big crowd

is charged tonight.



The right-hander Norton, one

of the most competitive pitchers



in the league,

will do everything he can



to avoid being a footnote

in baseball history.



One game, one more hit,

and he has that magical     .






They're on their feet, rooting

for Ross to get ahold of one,



as Norton gets his sign.



Ross puts a good swing on it.



It's deep to right field

and carrying well.






Yo, Ross!

Why don't you take a seat?



You ain't gettin' that hit

off me tonight!



Deal with it!




"Mister Softee" tune]



- This guy's slider sucks.

- Come on, man.



I guess somebody should have

showed up to that practice.




Home half of the fourth.



It's still a scoreless tie.



This crowd ripe

with anticipation



every time Ross

steps to the plate.



Ross swings.



A sharp ground ball

up the middle.



Second baseman Gomez

with a diving stop.



He scrambles.

It's gonna be close.



He's out!



- [Booing]

- Oh, my, what a close play!



From our angle,

I thought he was safe.




You're wrong!



I'm surprised Stan Ross

isn't protesting the call.






- That man was safe!

- That man was out.



What game are you watching?



I called the man out. I'm

watching the same game you are!



- We are playing for third place!

- The man was out!



Don't make me run you, Gus.



You got your head so far up your

ass, you didn't see the play!



- Head up my ass?

- That's right! Head up your ass!



- That's what I said!

- That's it! You're outta here!



You're outta here!

Let me tell you something!



Get off of my field!



You're the worst umpire

in this whole league!



Outta here!



You're such a jerk!



The man was safe!



The guy's out!



He was safe!



Walk him off the field!



- Get him off my field!

- You were safe!



You were safe!



You were beautiful.

Come on, tiger.



He was safe!



ANNOUNCER: So it boils down to

the bottom of the ninth inning.



Still scoreless here in

the final game of the season.



"Mr.     " very likely

will be making



his last plate appearance

of a storied big-league career.



But first the man who's become

sort of Ross' protege of late,



T- Rex Pennebaker.



We've got an interesting

situation here, fans.



If Pennebaker homers,



that's the game,

and Ross won't get another shot.



MAN: Go, T!

Come on, baby!



Come on, baby.

Get on.



I'll bring you home.

Come on, get on, baby.



Just get on.



And that ball is crushed.



A line drive

to deep left center.



It's going, going.



It is off the base of the wall.



Pennebaker rounds first,

heading for second.



And he is safe

with a ringing double.



Oh, man!



He almost took the bat

right out of Stan Ross' hands.



But now Ross is up

with not only a chance



for his     th base hit

and a call from Cooperstown,



but an opportunity

to drive in the winning run



and end the Brewers' season

on a high note.







All right.



Come on.



- Ball.

- [Booing]



- Pitch to him.

- Let's go, man.



Get your hit.



- Ball.

- Pitch to me, damn it!



Reach out there

and get it, then.



Reach out and get it.



ANNOUNCER: Those first two

deliveries, way outside.



Ross now crowding the plate.



  balls, no strikes.



Nothing close from Norton.






I'm right here!



ANNOUNCER: Here we go.

This is it.



 -  the count.



This crowd roaring,



begging Norton to challenge

Ross with a decent pitch.



BOCA: I could always count on

you to do your thing, you know?



You're consistent.

You're always driven.



And you're always for yourself.



That's why I love you.




Look at this!



Ross lays a sacrifice bunt

up the first-base line,



and T-Rex isn't stopping

at third.



Here's a throw to first base,

and Ross is out.



Here comes the play.



The slide, the tag.

He is safe! He is safe!



The Brewers win!



* We're movin' *



* Groovin' *



* Ain't no stopping us now *



* Groovin' *



CROWD: [Chanting]

Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!




Corny enough for you?



Well, it gets worse.



First off, now all of a sudden,

the press loves me.



Took 'em long enough,

though, huh?



The Hall of Fame voted me in

on the very next ballot.



And as you can imagine, I had

plenty of people to thank.



And old Mo.



She decided to move back

to Milwaukee after all.



I know she said

I'd never get serious,



but these days, I'm even

thinkin' about gettin' married.



You know, so I can have

that great sex all the time.






And hot damn, if Boca didn't

just up and move to Boca.



I can see him right now,

helping some lost soul, sayin',



- "Do your thing. "

- Do your thing.



And me, I retired again,

like you probably figured.



But I didn't want to go out

without leavin' the fellas



a little somethin'

to remember me by.



Even though I left the game,



I couldn't stay too far from

it, so I bought me that song.



["Mister Softee" tune plays]



* Out of the tree of life *



* I just picked me a plum *




And that's the whole story.



Like my baby Mo says,



"It's all about figurin' out

who you are. "



And some of that's

just a matter



of gettin' a little older

and acceptin' it.



And I can deal with that.



Just 'cause I'm retired

don't mean I'm invisible.



In fact, I'm guessin' you've

probably seen my commercial



once or twice yourself.



* The best is yet to come *



* And, babe,

won't it be fine? *



* You think

you've seen the sun *



* But you ain't seen it shine *



* Wait till the warm-up's

underway *



* Wait till our lips have met *



* Wait till you see

that sunshiny day *



* You ain't seen nothin' yet *



* The best is yet to come *



* And, babe,

won't it be fine? *



* The best is yet to come *



* Come the day

that you're mine *



* Come the day you're mine *



* I'm gonna teach you to fly *



* We've only tasted the wine *



* We're gonna drain

the cup dry *



* Wait till your charms

are right *



* For these arms to surround *



* You think

you've flown before *



* But you ain't left

the ground *



* Wait till you're locked

in my embrace *



* Wait till I hold you near *



* Wait till you see

that sunshiny place *



* Ain't nothin' like it here *



* The best is yet to come *



* And, babe,

won't it be fine? *



* The best is yet to come *



* Come the day you're mine *



* And you're gonna be mine *

Special help by SergeiK