Voila! Finally, the Mrs. Doubtfire
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Robin
Williams and Sally Field. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mrs. Doubtfire. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
On second thought...
Police! Civic authorities! ASPCA! ASAP!
Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped!
A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet.
Eat your heart out, Julia Child.
Excuse me, but isn't it customary
for the jailbird to get one telephone call?
In your case, I think not.
Afternoon snacks have few civil liberties.
But I'm not wholly without heart.
How about a nice soothing cigarette?
Oh, I will not do this. I cannot!
Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die!
I don't want to get beak cancer.
No! My lungs are blackened!
Here we go again. Cut, cut, cut! Roll it back.
- Help me...
- What are you doing? Daniel...
That line is not in the script.
Why did you add it?
- I wanted to comment on the situation.
- What situation?
Shoving a cigarette into Pudgie's mouth
is morally irresponsible.
This is a cartoon,
not a friggin' Oprah Winfrey Special.
Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon.
It's like telling them "Light up."
You can't put words in Pudgie's mouth
if his mouth isn't moving.
It's voice-over. An interior monologue.
Maybe even the voice of God.
Pudgie, don't smoke.
- What? Let's askthe technicians.
Do you think it's morally right
to promote smoking to the youth of America?
- They're biased. That's a mistrial.
- This session costs the studio thousands.
If you want a paycheck, stickto the script.
If you want to play Gandhi,
then do it on somebody else's time.
Then I've got to do what I've got to do.
That's very funny.
Where the hell are you goin'?
If you leave, you're not comin' back in.
I'm not takin' any crap from you, pal.
Well, in the words of Porky Pig:
Piss off, Lou.
- So what about that history test?
- Don't ask.
- Did you have fun in school?
- I painted a picture of a rainbow.
- I thoughtyou couldn't pick us up.
- Well, I got off early.
- You mean you got fired?
- No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.
on your th birthday. Got a surprise for ya.
- A stripper?
- Ooh, please!
- Two strippers?
- Hoo-hah, boy!
- A party?
No. No parties.
Mom said you couldn't have one
because of your report card.
Mom's not gonna be
home for another four hours, is she?
Prepare yourself... for the wild kingdom.
Coming up toward the very end.
There she goes. And she wins that race.
Come on off now. Here we go.
You want to feed him?
See if this guy will.
- Gregory, Henderson and Hillard.
- Miranda Hillard, please.
I know whatyou're going for with these
murals, but perhaps if they weren't so large.
And let's do steel windows, not wood.
Eliminate the Oriental rug.
Let's try an Aubusson carpet.
- More pinkthan red.
- Good idea.
Union Square Inn. This is better.
More Arts and Crafts. A Dirk Van Erp lamp,
a Stickley chair. Don't be seduced by chintz.
Excuse me. Miranda,
can I speakto you for a minute?
- Yes. Excuse me.
Just be one minute.
I just got off the phone
with a Stuart Dunmeyer.
- Stuart Dunmeyer?
- He said you were acquaintances.
He's putting millions into restoring
the old Wellman mansion on Nob Hill.
- He wants to make it into a $ -a-night B&B.
- Yes, I read about it.
- He's been doing very well.
- That's him.
And he specifically asked for you, Miranda.
- I told him you'd call first thing tomorrow.
- Yes, I will.
Miss Hillard? The operator
has a Gloria Chaney on hold.
- She says it's an emergency.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, my God!
- Is this your residence, ma'am?
Yes, I'm sorry to say it is.
Are you aware it's illegal to possess
barnyard animals in a residential area?
- What if you're married to one?
- We're also responding to a noise violation.
I'm going to respond myself.
I'm awfully sorry about this.
You ate my begonias! God!
Get out of my way!
You're home early, girlfriend.
Havin' a birthday in the house.
What the hell is going on around here?
Don't get mad, honey. Listen.
You're home a little early. I was gonna
clean it all up before you got home.
Honey... What are you looking for?
I'd be careful. That pony had a lot of water.
She called you
and you bust the birthday party. Great!
Don't you dare
make me out to be the monster here, Daniel!
You have all the fun
and I get whatever's left over.
- You chose the career.
- I have no choices here. I have no choices!
Even when I try to do something fun,
you do it ten times bigger!
I bring home a cake and gifts.
You bring the goddamn San Diego Zoo!
- And I have to clean up!
- It's not toxic waste, just a few party plates!
Why am I the only one
that feels there has to be rules?
Why do you always
make me out to be the heavy?
I don't. You do ityourself quite naturally.
- You set me up every time to be the bad guy.
- Oh, lighten up, will ya?
You spend too much time with
those corporate clones you used to despise.
I spend too much time with you, Daniel.
Come on, Miranda. We've got problems,
but who doesn't? We could work 'em out.
We've been trying to workthem out
Come on, please. Listen.
Maybe we need some help, OK?
Maybe a family therapist
will help us do this together.
It's too late for that.
Well, let's take a vacation with the kids,
as a family. Getyou away from work.
You're a different person.
You really are. You're great.
Our problems would be waiting for us
when we got back.
We'll move, and hopefully
our problems won't follow us.
Daniel, please don't joke.
We've just grown apart. We're different.
- We have nothing in common.
- Oh, sure we do. We love each other.
Come on, Miranda. We love each other.
I want a divorce.
We can't. We're a family. You know?
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, Ma, he told me all about it.
Yeah, Ma. I heard, I heard.
- Well, yeah, he's here.
Ma, he's not really in the mood to talk.
I mean, his marriage is ending.
My marriage is not ending. It's just on hiatus.
Ma, I think he's in a little bit of denial.
No, we're taking good care of your little boy.
Don't worry, Mom.
- Hi, Evelyn. Thanks for the jam.
- She says you're welcome.
That beige concealer.
When are we gettin' more of it?
- Next week.
- You hear that, Ma? Next week.
Wait, hang on.
- Enough already. It's a man.
- How would you know?
No, Ma, notyou. I was talkin' about the dog.
Ma, listen. We got people
waitin' for us on the set.
Oh, yeah. It's a busy life, Ma.
Places to go, faces to paint.
Yeah, I'll tell him, Ma.
Don't worry, I'll tell him.
Yeah. Hold on, Ma.
She wants to know
if you want to come stay with her.
- No way.
- He says he'll think about it, Ma.
I will. All right. I love you, too.
Hey, listen, you know you can always
stay with us just as long as you want.
Thank you, but I'm OK, really.
I mean, this is just a temporary thing.
I know Miranda. It's gonna blow over.
Mr and Mrs Hillard, although these custody
proceedings tend to favour the mother,
we also realise, perhaps now more than
ever, that it is not in a child's best interest
to deprive him or her
of an obviously loving father.
However, since at the present time Mr Hillard
has no place to live and no employment,
it is the court's ruling
to award sole custody to Mrs Hillard.
Mr Hillard will have visitation rights
- Can'tyou do something?
- He's made his decision.
Isn't it traditional
to say "I object" or something?
Your Honour, please.
Every Saturday? That's one day a week.
That's not enough.
I have to be with my children. It's not
a question. I have to be with them, sir. Please.
I know it seems like a lot,
but for me it's not enough. Really.
I haven't been away from 'em for more than
one day since the day they were born.
- Mr Hillard, this ruling is only temporary.
- Oh, good.
I will assign a court liaison
to oversee your case.
There will be a continuance
of these proceedings in days.
- I'm giving you three months, Mr Hillard.
- Thank you.
Three months in which to get a job,
keep it and create a suitable home.
If this proves to be a possibility for you,
I will consider a joint-custody arrangement
when we reconvene. We're adjourned.
Well, it looks like there is
a little light at the end of our tunnel.
- That's all my stuff.
- This is all my fault.
God, no. Why would you thinkthat?
I should have never had a birthday, Dad.
- This never would have happened.
- Yes, it would.
It was an accident waiting to happen, OK?
You did nothing wrong. You got that?
OK, gimme five.
You're the man of the house now.
Don't be messy.
- You can't go now.
- Honey, I have to.
We're in the middle of Charlotte's Web.
Who's gonna finish it?
Well, Grandma will finish it for you.
She's not as good. She always skips parts,
and she never does the voices.
She smells funny, too.
That's the formaldehyde.
That's why Granny's so well preserved.
Hey, come here.
It's the same as always.
We just have a really big backyard, OK?
- I love you.
- I love you.
I'll miss you. Saturday comes real quick.
- I'll miss you.
- Take care of her.
Thanks for the time, warden.
As your court liaison,
I will be looking at two things.
- Your living environment...
- It's more like a habitat, really.
And I will be coming by on Monday
and Friday evenings to inspect it.
Well, I'll put on a chicken.
And there's always the job issue.
This is the nearest employment office. I took
the liberty of making an appointment for you.
- Thank you.
- By the way, do you have any special skills?
Oh, yes. I do.
I do voices.
What do you mean, you do voices?
Well, I do voices.
We're looking for intelligent life.
Happy to be in America.
Don't ask for a green card.
I wantyou in the worst way.
This is certainly a rough meeting.
It's not going very well for me.
Hey, boss, give her a chance.
She's gonna loosen up any moment.
Look at me, Moneypenny.
I want to undo that bow and get to know you.
I'm crazy to make a deal with you!
Nancy and I are still looking for
the other half of my head.
They're doin' it! I'm sittin' on a gold mine!
Don't make me smack you, sweetheart.
I do a great impression of a hot dog.
Mr Hillard, do you
consider yourself humorous?
I used to.
There was a time when I found myself funny.
But today you have proven me wrong.
Listen, bottom line...
I need to be with my children,
and I'll do anything to do that.
You just tell me what to do.
- Excuse me. You Tony?
- That's me.
Hi. I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.
Oh, films! Will I be
introducing these movies on air?
- Not exactly.
- What do I do?
You take all these cans.
You box 'em and you ship 'em.
Then you box those cans over there.
Ship them. Then more will come in.
You box those, you ship those.
After you box 'em...?
You ship 'em.
Lots of luck, smartass.
I think I made a friend.
- It's been a long time.
Mr Dunmeyer's come by
to look over your sketches.
Let me show you to the conference room.
As you probably know,
the estate was built in .
These sketches are meant to reflect
your desire to have it completely restored.
You look better than ever.
The lobby will resemble a music salon with
inspiration from the French Second Empire.
I was thinking a th-century grand piano...
I've been following your career
these past couple of years.
A tufted sofa, a Flemish tapestry,
a brass-bound Regency-style table...
I'd love to get reacquainted. Catch up.
Fringed, upholstered chairs, heavy drapes.
Can we talk? Over dinner, maybe?
Stuart, thank you. I...
I'm at the beginning of a divorce.
It just didn't work out.
- Oh, Miranda, I'm sorry.
- You don't have to say that.
No, really. I mean, I never
held any grudges or anything. I just...
Well, I always hoped you'd find happiness.
Oh, God, that's so nice.
I was just worried my coming in here
might scare you off the project.
No, no. Of course not. I...
I'm a professional. I'm...
I was flattered thatyou thought of me
after all these years and everything.
Well... Ancient history.
I'm late. I've got a meeting over at the bank.
Can we talk maybe later in the week?
It's good to see you again.
I knowthe place
doesn't look like much now, but...
It'll be OK. How do you like it?
- It's OK.
Hey, just give me some time.
I'm not too comfortable
with this new lifestyle.
Neither are we.
I know it's hard, sweetie.
Can't you just tell Mom you're sorry?
Wish I could.
You know, grown-up problems...
They're a little more complicated, Nattie.
How is the old battle-axe?
- Your mom.
- She's fine.
Oh. I'm glad to hear that.
I'd hate to thinkthat she came down
with amoebic dysentery or piles.
What's amoebic dysentery?
It's an infection in your tummy
where you get diarrhoea for ever.
- Diarrhoea for ever?
- And your body dries up and you die.
- You die?
- You don't have to be so graphic with her.
- I read about it in a science book.
- Why would you want Mommy to die?
Oh, honey, I don't want Mommy to die.
Then why did you say that?
Look, Dad, you're not trying very hard.
We only get to come here once a week.
That's not very much.
You're right. I'm sorry. I'll try harder.
Nattie, I'll think good thoughts, OK?
- About Mommy?
- I'll try. I really will.
- And call her a princess.
- Oh, yes.
And right now I feel like a toad.
Daddy's a toad.
- That's Mom.
- Can't be. She's an hour early.
Come on, Nattie, we gotta go.
No, no! Come on, sit down.
You don't have to run off
when she honks the horn.
Come on, you're on my time now.
You're my goddamn kids, too!
Oh, Daniel... Charming.
Thank you, Miranda.
I was going for a refugee motif.
Fleeing-my-homeland kind of thing.
But look atyou!
This lovely Dances With Wolves motif.
What's your Indian name: Shops With A Fist?
- Are my children ready yet?
- No, our children are not ready yet...
...because you are an hour early
and you were late dropping them off.
Daniel, I don't have time for this. I have to
drop something off at the newspaper office.
Newspaper? Are you taking out
one of those personal ads?
"DWFseeks WWWM with BMW,
into light B&D"?
I'm placing an ad for a housekeeper.
Why do you need a housekeeper?
I need someone to be there when the children
get home from school, to clean, start dinner...
- How much are you gonna pay?
- $ a week. Is that all right?
May I see the ad?
- I have a right as their father. Please?
- All right. Anything else you wanna see?
- Are you offering?
- Not any more.
What's the change?
- Are you guys all right?
- Yeah, Mommy. We're fine.
Miranda, why not let me
take care of the kids?
I'll pick 'em up after school, be with them,
then drop them off atyour house after work.
- That'd be great!
- Look. The kids love it.
- Mommy, please!
I'll think about it.
We're his goddamn kids, too.
Kids say the darndest things.
Thank you. Any other choice phrases
you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?
Come on, everybody get their coats.
- Put them on and let's get out of here.
- OK, Mom.
I would say go to the bathroom before we go,
but I don't thinkthat's a good idea.
Don't forget anything.
I don't wanna come back.
Come on, let's go.
- See you Saturday.
- Say goodbye to your father.
- Here's your ad.
- I'll get my purse.
Yeah, you'd better.
Hello. Are you calling
in response to the ad?
- Who was your previous employer?
- I was in a band. Severe Tyre Damage.
- In a band?
- I just wanna know one thing.
Are your kids well-behaved, or do they need,
like, a few light slams every now and then?
- I'll have to get backto you.
Ja, my name is llsa Himmelman. I want
to know how many children do you have?
- I have two girls and a boy.
- Oh, a boy!
I don't work with the males
cos I used to be one.
Leyla, get back in your cell!
Don't make me get the hose!
I am job.
- Do you speak English?
- I am job.
I'm sorry. The position has been filled.
Oh, what a nightmare!
Let's go in for the kill.
I'm calling in regards
to the ad I read in the paper.
Yes. Well, would you tell me
a little bit aboutyourself?
Oh, certainly, dear.
For the past years I've worked for
the Smythe family of Elbourne, England.
That's Smythe, not Smith, dear.
And for them, I did housecleaning, cooking,
and took care of their four glorious children.
I grew quite attached to them after
years, but they grew up, as children tend to.
Oh, but listen to me. I am going on when you
should be telling me aboutyour little ones.
- Well, I have two girls...
- Oh, two precious gems.
No doubt the jewel of your eye.
- And one boy.
- Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.
I must tell you,
a little light cooking is required.
Oh, I don't mind that, dear.
I'd love some heavy cooking.
But I do have one rule: they'll only eat
good, nutritious food with me.
And if there's any dispute, it's either
good, wholesome food or empty tummies.
That's my rule.
I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.
Would you mind coming on an interview?
Say, Monday night at . ?
- Oh, I'd love to, dear.
I'm at Steiner Street.
Steiner. Oh, how lovely.
- Could you tell me your name?
- My name?
I thought I gave it to you, dear.
- I beg your pardon?
Doubtfire, dear. Mrs Doubtfire.
- Well, I look forward to meeting you.
- Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.
- Daniel, hi.
- Could you make me a woman?
Honey, I'm so happy!
- Oh, come here.
- I knew you'd understand.
- Is this gonna hurt?
- Don't whine. Just relax.
- Are you sure?
- Just remember, pain is beauty.
OK, take a deep breath. Instant eye lift.
And the strings are under the wig.
- The man has five-o'clock shadow at . am.
- All right, we'll start with make-up.
- I'm not gonna wax.
- Don't worry. We'll just lightly spackle.
- I feel like Gloria Swanson.
- You look like her mother.
I'm ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille.
OK, everyone. Let's pray.
I hope you are using Jungle Red.
That is the colour I love.
- Matches your lips.
- God bless you.
I'm feeling fabulous
because I met this beautiful Cuban.
Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
I don't know. This would scare the children.
Maybe this is too much for them.
I think we have to go to the next level.
Oy, it was such a shandeh.
I should never buy gribbenesfrom a mohel.
It's so chewy.
- No, I feel like Bubbee. This is not working.
- Don't worry.
It's a work in progress and you're my brother.
I will never letyou be embarrassed.
- God bless you.
- We'll have to do the entire face.
But look at this nice thing we have here.
It's not working. I need to go older.
Older? Like Shelley Winters older
or Shirley MacLaine older?
- What's the difference?
- Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
- What about Joan Collins?
- I don't think I have the strength.
But I have some plaster.
Are we close?
Any closer and you'd be Mom.
The most revolting thing I've ever seen.
What is this? Turn it off, will you?
Come on. I wantyou
to meet this lady with me.
I wantyou to be polite to her, then...
tell me whatyou think.
Everybody stand over here
and help me decide what to do.
Hello. Mrs Hillard, I presume.
Yes. I'm Miranda Hillard.
Yes. Won'tyou please come in?
Thank you, dear.
- And these must be the cherubs.
- This is Natalie.
- Oh, hello, Natalie.
- Are you wearing bug spray?
It's quite all right, dear. No offence taken.
I was a little liberal with the atomiser.
And at my age, it's like a good Stilton.
Everything has its own aroma.
I admire that honesty, Nattie.
That's a noble quality. Never lose that.
It often disappears with age
or entering politics.
Look at that face.
You remind me of Stuart Little,
one of the most honourable creatures
in all of literature.
- Do you knowthat book, Stuart Little?
- Yeah! It's one of my favourites.
Mine, too! Maybe I could read it to you -
if I get the position.
- That would be wonderful.
- And who is this strapping young lad?
- This is Chris.
- Hello, Christopher.
Jeez, you're big for a lady.
You could play for the ers.
Well, I was a fullback.
But that's European football, dear.
- Yes. You play soccer, too?
- Oh, isn't that amazing?
Yes, I was captain of the women's team.
We won three university championships.
Oh, but that was decades ago!
But I was more disciplined then. I always
put my studies ahead of my athletics.
I'm sure you're the same
and you've done all your homework already.
- Well, not exactly.
- Really? Oh. That's a pity.
Young men who don't do their studies
often miss out on more amusing activities.
- And who is this young lady?
- This is Lydia.
This isn't fair, Mom.
Why do we need a housekeeper anyway?
- This is all I need.
- Why can't Dad do it?
Dear, I don't think it's appropriate to argue
with your mother in front of a stranger.
I just don't see why
we can't spend the extra time with Dad.
Maybe she's right, dear. Maybe their father
would be a more appropriate person.
No, I don't think so.
It's not my fault, honey. If he would
get a job and a decent apartment...
- You see, he's the kind...
- Excuse me, dear.
I'm sure you'd want the children
to step out of the room
before you verbally bash their father. Hm?
If I did that, I might never see them again.
- I'm sorry. You're right.
- No harm done.
- You're absolutely right.
- I'm not a therapist. I just see what I see.
Why don'tyou guys go on upstairs?
I'll be up in a minute.
- It's lovely to meetyou.
- Yeah, nice to meetyou.
You too, Lydie.
- Oh, they're a spirited bunch.
- Especially Lydie. She's got daggers for you.
- I know.
- They're very upset with me right now.
- Probably the divorce.
How did you know?
You can sense it, dear -
the way she talks about her father.
I don't think he's in the Navy, the way she's
saying she misses him. It's like he's nearby.
- Oh, that's so sad.
- Would you care to have a cup of tea?
- I'd love that.
- It's right in here.
- What a lovely home you have.
- Did you decorate this yourself?
- Yes, I did.
Oh, it reeks of taste! Isn't this lovely, dear!
- Here's my résumé.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Let me start this tea.
- Oh, no, dear. Let me get that for you.
You've had a hard day. You just sityourself
down on that stool and leave the tea to me.
Thank you. That's very nice of you.
Oh, not at all, dear.
- Oh. What a wonderful résumé.
- Thank you, dear.
"Expert in first aid and CPR."
And Heimlich manoeuvre, dear.
You can never be too prepared
when little ones are around.
They'll swallow anything.
You've got to be ready to pop it out.
Oh, let's see.
What a perfectly appointed little cubby!
Look at this. Everything
has its place and name tag.
How precise! It's lovely.
My husband never appreciated it.
Oh. Poor dolt.
That's not the reason
you divorced him, was it?
It's so sad, because marriage
can be such a blessing.
So can divorce.
Daniel is a very difficult man to live with.
But the children are crazy about him.
You don't have to be a psychic to sense that.
My, you certainly do know your way
around a kitchen!
It's just because everything is so accessible.
You designed it.
I'm amazed there isn't a little label there
that says "spoons".
You remind me of someone.
I feel like I've known you for years.
Maybe we knew each other in another life.
I would love for you
to come and work with us.
- So would I.
It would be an honour.
To us. The start of a business relationship.
Good evening, dear.
Cold night, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Hope you have somethin' nice and warm
to go home to.
Jesus! If I find the misogynistic bastard
that invented heels, I'll kill him.
Have we met?
No. But Danny's told me all aboutyou.
I'm his sister.
His... much older sister.
- You have his eyes.
- Only if he fills out a donor card.
- Is Mr Hillard in? I have an appointment.
- Do you? Oh, that's wonderful.
Let me go up and get him
and he'll be right down.
- I'll come with you.
Because I have an appointment on Monday
and Friday evenings to checkthe apartment.
I remember him saying something about that.
Are you sure, dear?
It's three floors, hoofin' it all the way.
- If you can do it, I can.
- I'll bet so!
- Is your ticker all right?
Oh, good! Cos I don't want to jump-startya.
Come in, please, dear. Sorry about that.
Here we are. Daniel's abode.
Oh, that's mine, dear.
I'm a messy house guest.
Well, just make yourself at home.
I'll be right back.
He'll be back. I'll go get him.
Don't be afraid. I'll be right there. Danny!
Danny boy, where are you?
Oh, here he is, dear. I found him.
Danny, there's a Mrs Sellner here to see you!
- Oh, is she here?
- Yes, she is.
Mrs Sellner, I just got out of the shower!
I think you'll be very pleased with me!
I've been through
some really interesting changes!
And I'm becoming a new man
and a model father!
He'll be right there. He's just changing, dear.
I want to keep you abreast
of the changes in my career!
There have been two big developments!
I'm finally starting to come into my own!
Things are really starting to take shape,
and I'm blossoming! Really, I am!
Things were hairy for a while,
but I'm in great shape now!
I'm my own man now! Oh, yes!
A job I could really sink my teeth into!
I'll be right there, Mrs Sellner!
So nice I don't have to
save face any more, Mrs Sellner!
Mrs Sellner! How are you? Always a joy!
If you wanted some cheese,
why didn'tyou just say so?
Well, you'll be happy to know
that I now am holding down two jobs.
One for an educational film
and TV company - heavy responsibility.
- And the other?
- Cleaning houses. Not mine.
- Big girl!
- Your sister is English?
She's half-English, half-American.
Half-sister, really. That makes her
an eighth English? I've never done the math.
Let me see, my father was American.
He flewfor the English during the war.
He was in London and...
he met this lovely Englishwoman.
Well, my sister was the fruit of their passions.
Sorry. My sister's, notyours.
You see, she's not a very good housekeeper.
But she makes a fabulous cup of English tea.
Really? Well, I would adore
a good cup of English tea.
Oh! Wouldn't we all! I'll go get her.
Sis! Oh, sis!
Sis, are you in here?
Tea? Cup of TNT.
I've gotta go down and get it.
- Yes, dear?
- I take sugar in my tea.
Oh, your tea!
I'll be right there with your tea!
Coming right up, dear!
Sugar - one lump or two, dear?
- Two, please!
- Tea, sugar, hot water.
You got it. Coming rightyour way, dear!
I'll be right there with your tea!
- Can I give you a hand?
- Oh, no, dear! I don't need a hand.
I need a face.
- Are you sure?
- Oh, definitely!
I'm not a Muslim. I need a face! Oh, God.
Miss Hillard? The water's boiling.
Oh, I'm sorry to frighten you, dear.
I must look like a yeti in this get-up.
This is my nightly meringue mask.
Part of my beauty regimen.
It's basically egg whites, crème fraîche,
powdered sugar, vanilla and a touch of alum.
There you go, dear. Oh! You've gotyour
cream and sugar. It's a little cappu-tea-no.
One drop or two? Would you like another?
Oh! There you go!
As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear.
I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix.
There we go again! I'll go get Danny.
He'll be right with you. Hold on.
- Coming, sis!
- It was lovely to have metyou!
- Lovely to meetyou.
- Had a little accident.
- Be careful this time. She's an old woman.
Why wasn't I an only child?
- That's quite all right.
Did you have fun?
- What did you do?
- I painted a picture of a bunny.
The teacher liked it.
Here it is, Mel. $ worth of hair.
What am I supposed to do with it?
- Alan, I was wondering if...
- You want one of them?
I'd rather make a coat for my wife.
All right, everyone.
It's time to expand your minds.
- It's homeworktime. OK?
- Yeah, but... after Dick Van Dyke.
We always watch Dick Van Dyke.
Really? Well, not any more.
The only thing you'll be watching
is Deep Sea-N-N.
I know you're used to loosey-goosey.
But I run a much tighter ship.
Between the hours of pm and pm,
I'm in charge.
And when I'm in charge,
you will follow a schedule.
Those who do not followthe schedule
will be punished.
- She's lying.
She'd never punish us.
Don't... fuss with me.
This is exploitation. It's not fair.
- Shut up, Lydie.
- Yeah. You got us into this.
Ooh, my little ankle-biters.
Do I sense dissension in the ranks?
Are we ready for homework,
or shall we continue manual labour?
- No. Anything but this.
- Then upstairs, my little nose-miners.
Go. Flee before me!
Onward and upward!
Go pump some neurons.
Expand your craniums.
- I miss Dad.
- Me, too.
I'm here, guys.
In some form.
OK. Pinch of basil.
Oh, God! It's gonna blow!
Damn. Calm down.
How is it? Oh, my God. It's clotted. Oh, God.
This hollandaise smells like burnt rubber.
God, it's hot in here.
Look at this! My first day as a woman
and I'm getting hot flashes.
- Hey, here's your food.
- How much is it?
- . .
- dollars?! That's certainly...
Four dinners. bucks extra for rushing us.
Rushing? Well, you could have been
a little bit faster, dear.
- There's . Do you have change?
I thoughtyou wouldn't.
Thank you very much.
Hello! Anybody home?
- Where were you guys?
- Upstairs, doing our homework.
Mrs Doubtfire said we had to.
Oh, she did, huh?
Doing your homework. How great!
- Hi, honey.
Look at this place! It looks wonderful!
Dinner is served, madam.
Lydia, dear. Get back inside
right now before you freeze.
Look... I just want to apologise
for being such a pain today.
- Oh, dear, it's all right.
- No, I'm really sorry.
It's just... I'm still kind of messed-up.
We all are, sweetie.
I just mean I understand
the pain you're all going through.
Well, I also wanted to thank you.
- For what?
- For making my mom so happy.
She hasn't been in this good a mood since...
I can't even remember.
It's been a long time.
- It has?
Well, I gotta go back in, but...
- OK. Thank you.
Well, milady! It's a pleasure to see you again!
A joy, as always.
I like that Mediterranean look in women.
Just the way God made ya.
He broke the mould when he made me, dear.
He made me very special.
He sure did.
I am not a crook.
"She kissed Stuart and thanked him."
"'How was it down there?' asked Mr Little,
who was always curious to know
about places he'd never been to."
"'lt was all right,' said Stuart."
Back off, asshole!
Broke my bag, the bastard.
Lover boy's here.
What a beautiful little car for Don Juan.
So sad when that happens!
It was our junior year in college, and your
mother got asked to design this big float.
- I wasn't thatyoung.
- I went to kiss her...
Elastic bands were flying out everywhere.
Hit you in the face.
- That's not true!
- It was like Jaws.
- Isn't that the pretty picture!
- Oh. Mrs Doubtfire.
Miranda. What a pleasant surprise
to see you home so early, dear.
- And who is your gentleman caller?
- This is Stu.
- He just wanted to come and meet the kids.
- Oh, did he?
Ah, this must be the famous Mrs Doubtfire.
It's a pleasure to meetyou.
Yes, well... Miranda's been raving aboutyou.
- Odd. She's never mentioned you.
- Well... It's good to meetyou.
- You, too.
I have a home in London. I was born there.
What part of England are you from?
- Here and there, dear. All over, really.
- Accent's a little kind of... muddled.
- Really? So is your tan.
Dear, can you help me with something?
I found this outside.
Yes. This is off my Mercedes.
Off your Mercedes, dear?
You own that big, expensive car out there?
Oh, dear. They say a man
who has to buy a big car like that
is compensating for smaller genitals.
But not in your case, cos I see
that you're a strapping lad, aren'tya?
- It was lovely to meetyou.
- You too, dear.
- Mrs Doubtfire, may I speak with you?
- Ooh, certainly, dear.
Could you stay
a few extra hours this evening?
Stu. That's more of a thick soup
than a name, really.
It's a name. It's short for Stuart.
- Is it?
- Yes. He's a client. And a friend.
- He was a friend. He is a friend.
- What is he?
- I don't know what's happening.
- What is it, dear?
- Isn't he fabulous?
- Kind of, dear.
If you like that handsome, rugged type.
But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.
He just wants to go out and have a drink.
- I thinkthat's pretty harmless. Don'tyou?
- Absolutely not, dear.
- They always have other intentions.
- This is business, mostly.
I'll just sip club soda
and we'll go over wallpaper samples.
Dear Miranda. Wake up
and smell the coffee, dear.
Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes?
It's too soon, dear. Really.
You've got to give your divorce time.
Let your sheets cool down before you bring
someone else into the bed. All right?
Mrs Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?
How long after Mr Doubtfire passed away...
...did you feel any desire...
Once the father of your children
is out of the picture,
the only solution is
total and lifelong celibacy.
And if you violate that, heaven forgive ya.
Oh, that's very good.
Will you excuse me, dear? Call of nature.
Check those. I'll be right back.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God!
- Oh, my God!
- Chris! Wait!
Lydia! We gotta call the cops!
- We gotta dial now!
Mrs Doubtfire. He's a she!
- He's half man, half woman!
- All right, everyone. Calm down.
- Freeze! Or you're gonna get it!
- In the balls!
- She's got 'em?
- She's got everything.
All right. Listen to me.
I'm not... who you think I am.
- No shit!
- Watch your mouth, young man!
Oh, my God.
- Yeah, honey.
You don't really like
wearin' that stuff, do you?
Well, some of it's comfortable... No!
It's a pain in the padded ass.
This is not a way of life. It's just a job.
I don't go to old-lady bars or
anything like that after work.
It's the only way
I could see you guys every day.
- Who did this?
- Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
It's really you in there.
It's just a mask. And this is a body suit.
I didn't have any operations or anything.
- It's good.
- Sorry I scared you. Come here, Chris.
- No. No, it's OK.
I get it. I just...
don't wanna hug you or anything.
- Not justyet.
- That's cool. It's a guy thing.
Well, nowthatyou know,
you can't tell Mom, OK?
Cos if she finds out, I'll only be able
to see you through plate glass. OK?
And we can't tell Nattie,
cos she'll blow my cover.
So you have to promise me,
it's just us. All right?
- You promise?
All right? It's our little secret.
Most of the dinosaurs were herbivorous.
But this Tyrannosaurus rex
is a carnivore.
The reptile-like Saurischia
and the bird-like
Now, we're going to go
where no human being has ever been.
Which one's the dinosaur?
- The one in the middle, I think.
- Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct.
I can't believe they're still
subjecting kids to this. This is insane.
There should be a disclaimer: Do not operate
heavy machinery while watching this show.
This guy used to put me to sleep
when I was a kid. It's amazing.
He has the warmth of a snow pea. Makes
Mr Rogers look like Mick Jagger. It's insane.
What kind of idiot
kept this guy on the air for years?
Jonathan Lundy, General Manager, owner?
Daniel Hillard, former employee.
I don't mean to criticise. I just...
- Sometimes I have...
- Criticise all you want. Show's terrible.
I'm gonna cancel it. It's pullin' down
the whole afternoon schedule. It's gone.
You know whatyou gotta do?
Start from scratch.
Give it... maybe a musical number.
- A little Tyrannosaurus rex comes out...
- Hillard, getyour ass to the truck.
That shipment's gotta make
a six o'clock flight to LA.
Tone, this is Mr Lundy.
- He knows who I am.
Did you ever wish thatyou could
freeze-frame a single moment in your day,
look at it and say "This is not my life"?
Miranda. What are you home early for, dear?
I had an appointment. Oh, thank you!
With the court liaison. Mrs Sellner.
- I can't believe it.
- What, dear?
She says Daniel has some woman
living with him pretending to be his sister!
- I told her he doesn't even have a sister.
- Mrs Sellner's probably mistaken.
She's a social worker, dear. Really!
And besides, how could he replace you?
And so quickly. Really!
She's supposed to be older
and very unattractive.
- Did you and Mr Doubtfire ever...
- You must have had your share of problems.
- Oh, of course, dear. What marriage doesn't?
But I always say: the bad times fade away,
and the good ones
adhere themselves to your memory.
- Yes. Excuse me.
- That's all right.
As I hold this cold meat,
I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul.
When did he... pass on?
Eight years ago, dear. This November.
- He was quite fond of the drink.
- It was the drinkthat killed him.
- How awful.
- He was an alcoholic?
- No. He was hit by a Guinness truck.
So it was quite literally
the drinkthat killed him.
Oh, but he was a good man, though, really.
A sainted man.
And despite his mountains of faults, dear,
I always say: a flawed husband
is better than none at all.
- Who needs a husband when I've gotyou?
- Surely you don't mean that, dear?
- Oh, that's so sweet!
You can't imagine what it was like
being married to Daniel.
Tell me, dear. What was so horrible
about this man you lived with for years?
Well, at first, nothing.
He was so... romantic.
- So passionate.
He sounds like an absolute stud, dear.
I hope you don't mind me
being a tad rude, but...
How was he... you know...
on a scale of to ?
Oh, well. That part was always...
He was probably a Casanova
compared to poor old Winston.
- What was the matter with Winston?
- Oh, dear.
Winston's idea of foreplay was
"Effie, brace yourself."
It was Daniel's spontaneity and energy
I fell in love with.
Everyone else I knew
was so organised, so scheduled.
Like me, I guess.
But Daniel was so wonderfully different.
And funny. He could always make me laugh.
I always say:
the key to a solid marriage is laughter.
But after a few years,
everything just stopped being funny.
- I was working all the time.
And he was always between jobs.
I hardly ever got to see the kids.
If I got home early to be with them,
something would go wrong.
The house would be wrecked
and I'd have to clean it up.
He never knew, but so many nights I just...
cried myself to sleep.
The truth is, I didn't like who I was
when I was with him.
I would turn into this horrible person.
I didn't want my kids growing up
with a mother like that.
When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better.
And... I'm sure he's better
when he's not with me.
Well, you never...
I mean... Did you ever
say anything to him, dear?
Daniel never liked
to talk about anything serious.
I used to think Daniel could do anything.
Except be serious.
But then, I was serious enough
- This is great!
- Isn't this posh!
I'll bet it's very exclusive. Probably need
a credit reference just to get in the pool.
- Oh, Nattie.
Not a single body
that exists in nature. Look at that.
- There's Stu!
Where? Oh. On the board.
Oh, isn't he a stunning piece of work?
Look, Nattie. That's called liposuction.
I hope he had protection,
hitting the water at that speed.
- Let's go say hi.
- Let's do, please.
- That's amazing.
- Hello! You look lovely!
Oh, guys, I'm so glad you could make it.
- By the looks of you, that water's so cold!
- Yes, well...
Your tummy looks different from my daddy's.
Oh, Nattie! Not everyone has
their own personal trainer.
- Gotyour swimsuits? Wanna go for a dip?
- That'd be great!
- Good! How aboutyou, Mrs Doubtfire?
- Oh, you wicked, wicked man!
Isn't there enough flesh here
for you to feastyour eyes on?
- Come, Mrs Doubtfire. Don't be bashful.
- No, dear. They've outlawed whaling.
- We'd be re-enacting the Titanic.
- Come on, Mrs Doubtfire.
Oh, no. Just go. Leave me here.
I'll just sit in the sun and crisp.
You can't get heatstroke
twice in the same year.
OK. Well, let's go, kids. Swim time.
- Go, dear. I'll be fine.
- Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire.
- Anything you need, put it on my tab.
- Thank you, dear.
Touch me again and
I'll drown you, you bastard.
I'll just sit here and watch you
move in on my family.
Oh, God. What am I doing here?
This is beyond obsession.
- Is everything all right, ma'am?
- Can I have another?
Soda with a lime, please.
- It's on me.
- No, thanks.
Four iced teas, Todd.
So, whose rugrats?
- Miranda Hillard?
- The woman I'm seeing.
No kidding? You?
The guy who's never having kids?
Won't have anything to do with kids?
You won't even date a woman with kids.
People change, Ron.
I'm pushing . I don't want to
spend the rest of my life by myself.
She's got an awful lot of baggage. Three kids.
Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them.
Especially little Natalie. Look at her.
She's a sweetie pie.
God knows they need a stable father figure
in their life right now.
- What about their real father?
- What can I say? The guy's a loser. I'll see ya.
Loser? Oh, yeah?
I saw it! Some angry member
of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them?
Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way.
It was a run-by fruiting.
I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.
Good waste of juice.
What are you lookin' at?
Hi, boys and girls.
Today we'll be talking about dinosaurs.
It's A Dinosaurus Line!
And please welcome... the king!
It's a dinner show. Hi! Where you from?
I'm gonna make you lunch.
Thank you very much. Thank you! All right!
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your claws together!
Please welcome... James Browntosaurus!
§ I eat wood
§ It tastes good
§ No meat, big feet
§ I eat wood
Oh, I got to help myself!
Can't go on! I'm goin' extinct!
Oh, thank you, James. But right now...
it's time for the Raptor Rap!
§ I'm a raptor, doin' what I can
§ Gonna eat everything
till the appearance of man
§ Yo, yo, see me, I'm livin' belowthe soil
§ I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil
Very impressive, Mr Hillard!
- I didn't know anybody was watching.
- I was watching. That's funny stuff.
- Well, thanks.
- I think kids'd like it.
- They'd be entertained and get information.
- That's kinda my theory.
You don't have to play down to 'em,
just play to 'em.
- Listen, I'd like to hear more of your ideas.
- My ideas?
- How about a dinner meeting?
- Wow. OK.
Next Friday. Bridges Restaurant.
Seven o'clock sharp.
I'll be there.
Take five million. You're dead.
We've just had our first
home-cooked meal. I'm domestic now, huh?
- This is terrific, Dad.
- You want more spaghetti?
- No, I'm stuffed.
- Garlic bread? I made it myself.
Well, I didn't make it myself.
I cooked it. I sliced it.
It's OK, Dad. Thanks.
The place looks great. The food's terrific.
I'm really proud of you.
Yeah. Me, too.
I'll be right back.
- Thank you for knocking.
Look at this!
I see you got someone to clean for you.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Mom.
- Are they ready?
- No. They haven't had dessertyet.
- You cooked?
- Yes. I cook, I bake, I sew.
Thanks to this Amish
home study course I'm doing.
- I'm very impressed.
Give me a second chance. OK?
Let me take the kids after school.
- I can't get rid of Mrs Doubtfire. She's terrific.
- Why not?
She's the best thing that ever happened to us.
The kids are all doing better in school.
Chris is passing every single subject.
I find myself getting home early
just to be with them. We're all doing so great.
Sounds like an amazing woman.
Too good to be true.
- I kinda like the black one.
- Me, too.
I don't know. Actually... Mrs Doubtfire!
- We need another woman's opinion.
Oh! Then I'm your woman.
- Which one?
- What's the occasion?
It's my birthday.
Stu's taking me out to dinner.
They're both too brazen, dear.
They cry "harlot".
Red is the traditional colour for streetwalkers.
And the black one is far too short.
I hope you waxed.
They both say to me "I'm easy."
You want to be Kilimanjaro
on your first date - inaccessible.
Why buy the cow
when you can get the milk for free?
No, let's find something more your own age.
Something a little less tawdry.
How about this lovely frock?
Don't you think?
And old. I wore that
to my aunt's funeral in .
A classic never dies, dear.
I think it's time to revive it.
I think we should askthe kids.
What do you think?
- I'd go with the short, black one.
- Yeah. It's the most fun.
There. You see? I agree.
Fine. You ask my opinion, then don't take it.
- I will not be held responsible for your virtue.
- You'll be there to protect me.
- Stu has invited you and the kids to join us.
- Oh, how lovely! One big, happy family.
I wouldn't miss that for the world!
Should be smashing good fun!
- I'm so glad.
- When is this enchanted evening?
Friday night, seven o'clock.
- This Friday at seven?
- Yes. At my favourite restaurant. Bridges.
- Friday at seven.
- Yes! Bridges.
- The restaurant Bridges?
- Friday at seven.
- I can't. Please, don't. It's bingo night, dear.
- Cancel it.
I can't, dear. It's my turn
to pull the balls at the rectory.
- Please join us.
- Don't ask me that, dear.
I can't have my birthday withoutyou.
It's so important to us thatyou be there.
You're part of the family now.
I can't have a birthday withoutyou. It would
mean so much to me and the children.
Please promise you'll come with us,
Mrs Doubtfire. You just have to.
Who could resist that little face?
- I promise.
- Thank you!
Thank you, dear.
- Are you all right?
Let's see... Nothing.
- Anything in May?
- Not a thing.
It doesn't look good.
I'm sorry. Mr Lundy is completely booked
for the next two months.
- I'll meet him any time, anywhere.
- Sorry. There's nothing I can do.
Please. I can't cancel.
It's a huge opportunity.
Take my advice: don't cancel.
- Come along, Nattie.
- Hello, darling!
- Shouldn'tyou cover your shoulders?
- No! I'm fine.
- Good evening, Mr Lundy.
- Good evening.
Oh, God. Here we go.
- Mrs Doubtfire, you look wonderful.
- Thank you.
Come on. I hope you're all hungry.
- Good evening, Mr Lundy.
- I'm meeting someone. Is he here?
No, I'm sorry. He hasn't arrived yet.
But we can seatyou.
Smoking or nonsmoking?
- Tanya will seatyou. Table .
- This way, please.
- Reservation. Dunmeyer.
- Yes, sir.
- Smoking or nonsmoking?
- Mrs Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
No, I don't. But I did.
I found the best way to keep from smoking
again is to be around those who do smoke.
I have to randomly ingest just a little bit
of nicotine and it steels my wool.
And I know you're Mr Health. Bless you
for putting yourself in harm's way.
- All right. Table .
- Follow me, please.
- ! My age! You're a saint.
Thank you very much
for humouring an old lady.
- He's pissed already.
- Mrs Doubtfire?
- Would you like to join us?
- Oh. I thought I saw Clint Eastwood.
That would make my day!
He is such a stud-muffin.
Will you excuse me, dear?
I have to check my wrap.
- I can do it for you.
- Oh, no, please. I'm quite capable of...
All right, dear. There you go.
- Oh, and your bag too, ma'am.
- Drop it!
Oh, I'm very sorry, dear. It's my medicine.
- I have to go take my medicine now.
- We have water at the table.
I can't take it orally, dear. I'll be right back.
- Would you like something to drink?
- Oh, yes. A good stiff Chardonnay.
I like 'em light and woody.
- Hello. Bridges Restaurant. May I help you?
- Yes. My name is Daniel Hillard.
Mr Lundy is expecting me for dinner. Will you
tell him I'm running late, but I'm on my way?
- I'll deliver the message personally, sir.
- Thank you.
I hope you like it.
It's gorgeous! Thank you!
Did I miss anything?
Well, yes. Look. This is the gift
that Stu gave me for my birthday.
- Isn't it gorgeous!
- Is it real?
It is very real, Mrs Doubtfire.
You can either wear that or feed a small
country. That's so nice. So decadent.
Mommy, I need to go.
- Mrs Doubtfire, would you take her?
- No. You.
- She wants you, dear.
- Well, I'll be right back.
Children, look at that lovely
dessert tray over there.
Why don'tyou go over and pick
what you'd like now so they could reserve it?
- We'll be back.
- All right.
That's a pretty impressive bauble you got her.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
A fella gives a gift like that,
he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh?
Bit of a going-down payment, huh?
- Excuse me?
- You know, dear. Sinkthe sub.
Hide the weasel? Parkthe porpoise?
Bit of the old humpty dumpty?
- Little Jack Horny? The horizontal mambo?
- Mrs Doubtfire...
The bone dance, eh?
Rumpleforeskin? Baloney bop?
Bit of the old cunning linguistics? Hm?
- Mrs Doubtfire, please.
- Am I being a little graphic? Sorry.
- I hope you're up for a little competition.
- I beg your pardon?
She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear.
It's her personal jackhammer.
She uses it and the lights dim.
It's like a prison movie.
Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.
I hope you bring cocktail sauce.
She's got crabs.
And I don't mean Dungeness.
I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I?
It's the wine. Oh, gosh!
Be back in a flash. All right? My tiny bladder.
- Mrs Doubtfire!
- You're going into the men's room.
- No! Oh, so it is!
I do need new glasses, dear. Sorry!
- Excuse me. May I have a menu?
- Of course.
- What's France like?
- Very beautiful.
Thank you very much.
- Mr Lundy.
- Oh, hi.
- Sorry I'm late. Did you get my message?
- Yes. Sit down.
- How about a drink?
- Sure. I'll have what he's having.
Double Chivas on the rocks.
Bring him two doubles so he can catch up.
- A Scotch drinker, huh? That's my kinda guy!
- Gentlemen, startyour engines.
- OK, everybody. Are we ready to order?
- Yes, I believe we are. Children, fire away.
Shouldn't we wait for Mrs Doubtfire?
- How are we doin' over here?
- No, no.
What can you do
to help the ratings on the kid show?
Bottom line: don't patronise kids.
They're little people.
You gotta personalise it. Make it fun.
If it's something you'd enjoy, they'd enjoy it.
- That's what I'm interested in.
Well, I wonder what's happened
to Mrs Doubtfire.
- We could cross over to the news.
- Would you excuse me for a moment?
- May I help you, ma'am?
- Yes, dear. Thank you very much.
- Oh, my goodness!
- I'm so sorry! It's my fault.
- Forgive me. Excuse me.
- I'm all right. There we go.
Thank you. Oh, let's see here!
- May I take your order, ma'am?
- Oh, yes.
Let's see. I'll have the poached salmon.
- And you, sir?
- I'll have the jambalaya.
- Make mine not spicy. I'm allergic to pepper.
- Certainly, sir.
Thank you. Cheers. Your health.
Oh, my God.
So sorry about that. Just one moment.
Carpe dentum - seize the teeth.
Let me assistyou.
A spoon. Oh, how clever. Wait. I've got it.
Wait. There. Make a pincer.
Come at it from both sides. Together - up.
Thank you. There it is.
Just shake them off, like a dog.
Sorry. Oh, forgive me.
- That's all right.
- Sorry about my spray.
I'll be right back. I just have to
re-attach them with a little adhesive.
- Tell him to purée the salmon, if you will.
- Purée the salmon.
Thank you. Sorry about that.
Oh, that one.
Oh. I didn't knowthere was
someone else in here. Sorry.
Damn it! Oh, there it is.
Where the hell have you been?
I ordered you another Scotch.
Are you wearing ladies' perfume?
Yes, I am.
Are you wearing lipstick?
- It rubbed off.
- From whom?
A girl I used to date. She's a waitress.
- A waitress? Here?
- Oh, yeah.
On the way to the bathroom...
Couldn't keep her hands off me.
- You dog!
- You scallywag!
I got the stretch outside.
Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?
- Hey, it's the ' s.
- No, no! I mean...
Does she have a lady friend for me?
- Go ahead. Ask her.
- I'll go ask her.
Go on. Come on, go get 'em!
I need my order for table !
- Relax. I'll be out in a minute.
- Thank you! Great.
- Can I help you, ma'am?
- Sorry I'm late.
But after all those Scotches
I had to piss like a racehorse.
Why in God's name
are you dressed like a woman?!
I'd like you to meet
the host of your new show.
Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialise in
the education and entertainment of children.
Oh, thank you very much.
- This looks terrific.
- Where's Mrs Doubtfire?
Well, I hope the dear lady's all right.
- Shall we start?
- Yes. Let's start. I don't want it to get cold.
Tell me. Why would Mrs Doubtfire
be a good host?
I'm a hip old granny who could
hip-hop, bebop, dance till ya drop,
and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.
Oh, he's choking. He's choking!
Help us! Somebody help!
He's choking! Help us!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- He's choking here! Call !
- Oh, no. I killed the bastard.
- Mrs Doubtfire! Help us! He's choking!
- Help is on the way, dear!
- Mrs Doubtfire!
- Help is on the way!
- Mrs Doubtfire, he's choking!
- Hold on, dear.
One more time, dear. Work with me!
I'm all right.
- Are you all right?
- Oh, my...
Yeah, honey. It's me.
Daniel! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
The whole time...
- The whole time?!
- I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?
Don't talkto me! Don't touch me!
I have to go. We have to leave now.
I have to leave!
We have to leave now!
I have to go! We're going.
- You guys go.
- I'm sorry, Dad.
Sorry about the pepper. I was...
What are you lookin' at? Show's over.
do you have any closing remarks?
Nothing further, Your Honour.
Mr Hillard, since you've determined
to act as your own attorney,
you are entitled to make
a closing statement at this time.
Your Honour, in the past two months,
I've secured a residence, refurbished it
and made it "an environment
fit for children". Those are your words.
I'm also holding down a job as a shipping
clerk. So I believe I metyour requirements.
Ahead of schedule.
In regards to my behaviour,
I can only plead insanity.
Because, ever since my children were born,
the moment I looked at them,
I was crazy about them.
Once I held them, I was hooked.
I'm addicted to my children, sir.
I love them with all my heart.
And the idea of someone telling me I can't
be with them, I can't see them every day...
It's like someone saying I can't have air.
I can't live without air,
and I can't live without them.
Listen, I would do anything. I just want
to be with them. I know I need that, sir.
We have a history.
And I just... They mean everything to me.
And they need me as much as I need them.
Don't take my kids away from me.
You've been able to fool a lot of people into
believing thatyou're a -year-old woman.
No easy task.
And your little speech seemed to be
very heartfelt and genuine.
But I believe it to be a terrific performance
by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.
- No. It's not that.
- The reality, Mr Hillard,
is thatyour lifestyle over the past month
has been very unorthodox.
And I refuse to further subject
three innocent children
to your peculiar
and potentially harmful behaviour.
It is this court's decision
to award full custody to Mrs Hillard.
Oh, God, no.
You will have supervised
visitation rights every Saturday.
A court liaison will accompany you
when you spend time with the children.
I am suggesting a period of psychological
testing and perhaps treatment for you.
We will re-examine this case
one year from now.
Thank you. Court is adjourned.
I don't do laundry.
I don't do windows. I don't do carpets.
I don't do bathtubs. I don't do toilets.
And I don't do diapers.
My children have been potty-trained
for some time.
Well, I don't do washing.
I don't do basements.
I don't do dinners. I don't do reading.
Yes. Well, we have your number.
Thank you so much for coming.
- We'll be getting backto you.
- Thank you.
I'll show you to the door.
Yes, here we are. Please...
Laura, that shipment
has been delayed three times.
Laura, I'm not gonna wait
another six months for it.
You do that. Call me back.
Oh, guys, please don't be so depressed.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- I miss her spaghetti.
- I miss her jokes.
I miss her stories.
Don't worry. We will find someone.
There are plenty of people out there.
Nobody like her.
All right. I admit things were a lot nicer
when she was around.
The house was so warm and cosy, the beds
were always made, and the dinner was...
She isn't real! We have to stop referring to her
as if she were a real person.
Hello, my dears!
We have a wonderful show today.
We have Mr Van Zandt from the Sierra Club,
and he's going to bring some animals
that are endangered species.
- Do you know what that means, poppets?
- Did you say "puppet"?
Oh, no, dear! It's Kovacs! Welcome, Kovacs!
Hi, guys. Did you say "extinction"?
Does something stink?
It's not something smelling bad. Extinction
means there's no more of a particular animal.
- Oh, my God.
- Doesn't that make you a little mad?
- Very mad!
- Tell people about it.
I'm mad! You know why? Because next,
it's the chimps! There are fewer chimps...
Doesn't it make you mad that
humans play your parts in movies?
Ooh! "Planet of the Apes": who gets the role?
Roddy McDowall! I'd be better than that!
- I'd be better than Charlton Heston!
- And your rug is better, too.
You couldfly to Persia on that rug.
- Shall we tell them where we'll be tomorrow?
- Yeah. They wanna know.
we're taking a wonderful trip.
But you don't have to pack
because we're going in our mind.
We're going across the Atlantic Ocean
to England, where I came from.
- You came from England?
- It's a wonderful country.
- Do you know about England?
- It's an island.
It's an island, dear. A glorious one.
- They have a queen and a royal family.
- Oh! Just like a poker game!
- It's a full house.
- Some cards don't live at home any more.
Thanks to mobile phones.
Do you know what language
they speak in England?
- That's right. In many stores they do.
But we'll get into that tomorrow,
boys and girls.
- You owe me a kiss, Kovacs.
- I'm gonna give you two.
- All right, dear.
- Here's one on the cheek.
- And here's a monkey bite!
- Oh, you wicked, wicked monkey!
Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye.
That's a wrap, folks! Thank you very much.
We're a smash! Number one in our time slot!
Yes! Calls from Detroit, Cleveland,
Chicago, Los Angeles...
- All with offers to syndicate.
- Could I talkto you?
I'll be right out. Just wait here.
Welcome to Euphegenia's house.
A little draughty but... you know. It's nice.
What can I do for you?
First of all, congratulations on the show.
Thanks. You got to see the dress rehearsal.
We've... The kids...
We've been watching every day.
It's nice to knowthey can see me every day.
Look, Daniel. I know it's gonna take
a long time to get over all the fights and
all the horrible things we said to each other.
It's... It's so hard.
But I know somehow you and I will be
all right and we'll get through this.
But the kids...
I don't wanna hurt our children.
So what do you want me to do?
You want me to pretend everything's
all right? Put on a happy face? Smile?
You took my children away from me.
I can only see them now with supervision.
Some woman watches me with the kids
like I'm some sort of deviant.
If I try to hug 'em, she wonders why.
You know what that's like?
You just sat there in that courtroom and
let that judge pass that despicable sentence.
- I was angry.
- Oh, God.
- You hurt me, too!
- You ripped my heart out!
You lied... You know what?
I don't wanna do this any more.
I don't wanna do any more
"who did what to whom".
Ever since this happened,
I've been trying to make sense out of it.
And the only thing I know in my heart
is that the children were happier
when Mrs Doubtfire was a part of their lives.
She... brought out the best in them.
- She brought out the best in you.
- And you.
They miss her terribly.
- What are you saying?
- Daniel, the kids need you.
I need them.
Well, tomorrow we'll have Frank,
who is a make-up artist.
A big knock at the door.
Who could that be?
And do we have enough time?
Mr Sprinkles, boys and girls!
Hello! What do you have for me today?
Mrs Doubtflier, I've got a letter from Katie...
It's the new baby-sitter.
Come on, guys! Get up! Let's go!
It's gonna be all right.
Chris, wait right over there. Everybody.
- What's goin' on?
- I'm here to pick you up.
Your dad's gonna take you
for a few hours every day after school.
What about the courts? That legal stuff.
- Ask your mom.
- I took care of it.
No more supervised visits.
No more court liaison.
- Just us?
- Just us.
Go get Mr Bear.
- Go getyour stuff. Hurry up.
- All right.
- Would you like to come in?
- I'll wait outside.
"Dear Mrs Doubtfiire - Two months ago
my mom and dad decided to separate."
"Now they live in different houses."
"My brother Andrew says that we aren't
a realfamily any more. Is this true?"
"Did I lose my family?"
"Is there anything I could do
to get my parents back together?"
"Sincerely, Katie McCormick."
Oh, my dear Katie.
You know, some parents get along
much better when they don't live together.
They don't fight all the time
and they can become better people.
Much better mommies and daddies for you.
And sometimes they get back together.
And sometimes they don't, dear.
And if they don't,
don't blame yourself.
Just because they don't love each other
doesn't mean that they don't love you.
There are all sorts of different families, Katie.
Some families have one mommy,
some families have one daddy,
or two families.
Some children live with their uncle or aunt.
Some live with their grandparents,
and some children live with foster parents.
Some live in separate homes
in different areas of the country.
They may not see each other for days,
weeks, months or even years at a time.
But if there's love, dear,
those are the ties that bind.
And you'll have a family in your heart for ever.
All my love to you, poppet.
You're going to be all right.