Multiplicity Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Multiplicity script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Michael Keaton cloning movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Multiplicity. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Multiplicity Script

              Hi, Douglas. How's it going?

            - What did you do? - Demo'ed the driveway.

            - Nice job, too. - What's the problem?

            It's the wrong driveway. That's a problem, isn't it?

             2933 Vic. This is 2935!

            We're in the wrong... These guys are morons.

            - I'm sorry. It's going to cost. - It's going to cost who?

            I'm in a bad way right now. Money's very tight with me.

            I can't afford to eat this, even if it was my fault.

            Shut up, Vic. What am I going to do?

            All right. We're going to do both driveways.

            No matter how long it takes. And if you say one more word -

            - I'll beat you to death with a drywall hammer.

            - You got it? - It makes sense to me. Thank you.

            Hello. Kinney.

            Problem this morning? Giving away free driveways? Come to my place.

            No. Fax those plans right now. Hold on.

            Hi, hon. I was just about to call. What's the matter?

            Really? No, I know what it is. It's the hot water heater.

            My fax machine's gone psycho again.

            What's up?

            Do you hate me?

            Do you want me dead? A guy from Beverly Hills is going to sue me.

            - You ruined his driveway? - Yes, we did.

            - Like a prank? - No, Del.

            Don't worry about it. It's my fault. I'll fix it on my own time.

            When? Ted told me you haven't finished the Malibu job yet.

            You know what I think?

            - No, what do you think? - We'll have to put in more hours.

            This isn't a nine-to-five job. We had a saying where I worked last.

            "Unless you come in Saturday, don't bother coming in Sunday."

            - Are we going to work weekends? - Weekends, nights, holidays.

            My office. Two minutes.

            Do you have any stegosauruses?

            No. I have an iguanodon and a tyrannosaurus.

            I fished a stegosaurus. Hi. dad.

            - Good hand. Hi. - Did you look at the water heater?

            - I just walked in the door. - No bath tonight, Zack.

            Brush your teeth and go to bed.

            You missed Campfire Girls.

            I'm not in Campfire Girls. I'm a Brownie.

            - It was Jennifer's graduation. - Man, I forgot!

             I phoned and reminded you.

              I totally forgot. Was she upset?

              Yes. All the fathers were there. Even the divorced ones.

              - And the lesbian moms? - Both of them.

              - Where is she now? - In the den. Drinking.

              - She's asleep. Where were you? - I had to work late.

              - King fired DeGrazzi. - You're kidding. Why?

              He does bad work. But at least he does it slowly.

              - Who will replace him? - The guy you sleep with.

              The video store guy.

              I knew you were dating, but not that you were sleeping with him.

              That's great. It's like a promotion. It's not great?

              - Guess who'll do my job. - You're going to do it all?

              - Will they give you more money? - It's more of a prestige thing.

              They'll probably give me a plaque or a certificate for being so great.

              That's ridiculous. We hardly ever see you. Can't you say no?

              Yes, if you want to catch your own food. Don't worry. It'll be okay.

              I'll go check on the water heater.

              Jennifer Kinney.

              I'll seek the way that'll bring me to the fllre of kindness, -

              - Lighted by those who have gone on the Campfllre Trall.

              That's so great.

              I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

              I really appreciate it.

              Thank you.

              I'll call you. Thanks. Bye.

              - Hi. Hungry? - No. I'm too tired to eat.

              - Who was that? - Valerie.

              Who helped her dial the phone?

              Don't start. The company made her regional manager.

              When I quit work to have Zack, they thought more of me than of Valerie.

              - Did she call to tell you the news? - No...

              She offered me her old job, now that she's been promoted.

              - Are you going back to work? - Yes. What do you think?

              What do I think?

              The first couple of months you won't make anything because it's hard.

              We're paying more for child care.

              We're both working and then we're both not going to Campfire Girls.

              - Maybe you could help out more. - How am I going to work that out?

              I just meant in emergencies.

              A real estate emergency? My whole life's an emergency.

              I'm not going back to work, am l?

              We always said I would, but now I realise I never will.

              Take my job. Go build condos. Make sure to be there at  :  .

              Call an exorcist.

              I don't know where it came from. I'm sorry, Laura.

              I'm sorry.

              This is stupid. We just need to get a schedule.

              We don't need a schedule. We need a miracle.


              Once we get all this duct work in, this should just fly.

              Are you paid to watch her ass? Because you do an excellent job.

              We've got a problem down here.

              I don't believe this.

              Have a seat. Damn!

              Get out of the way. Man. what is this?

              I'm sorry. I just went crazy. We'll turn the water back on now.

              - This thing goes off all the time. - Tough business.

              - What do you do? - Not mine. Yours.

              Yes, really tough.

              What do you do to relax?

              - Well, play golf. - That's a great game. How often?

              Let's see...

              Never. I'll have to cut back. That's really going to hurt.

              You don't have to live this way.

              With all due respect... I forgot to go to medical school.

              - I can help you. - Help me how?

              Change your life.

              - What do you guys do around here? - We make miracles.


              Call me.

              I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my family.

              Then I get resentful because l don't have enough time for myself.

              Work is first, my family is a close second and I'm a distant third.

              - Is that crazy? - I'm not a psychiatrist.

              And you don't need one. Real problems require real solutions.

              - Well, then... What do you do? - I told you. I make miracles.

              l create time.

              l make clones.

              Doug, sit down.

              I'm a geneticist.    years ago I started cloning viruses.

              And then, ten years ago, I cloned an earthworm.

              - God bless you, sir. - And then... a chimp.

              And last year...

              Last year...

              - Hi there. - Just in time.

              - Doug is doing our new offices. - I know Doug.

              He and I went over the plans one day. You were sailing.

              Wait a minute.

              - You understand my suggestion? - Sure. What's not to understand?

              - You xerox people. - In a way.

              The procedure takes about two hours. It takes more or less two hours.

              Then you have everything you need.

              What is it that I need?

              - Time! - All you need. For everything.

              Let's say I was interested. What would a..?

              Nothing fancy, just a basic...

              What would a basic clone job cost?

              - Doctor, we're ready for you. - Very good.

              I hate to sound like a baby, but promise me it'll be all right.

              You're going to be fine. There's nothing to worry about.

              - I won't be like them. will I? - I hope not.

              Watch your head.

              Lie back and put your feet in the stirrups.

              Did you see "The Fly"? Jeff Goldblum came out with enormous eyes.

              Peripheral vision is one thing, but this is a bad look.

              And he eats everything with these little hands and everything.

              Take it easy.

              Well... What is that thing?

              - This'll help you relax. - So far it isn't working.

              I'm sorry. My uncle went to the dentist, and he was never the same.

              I don't know if he got that suction thing lodged in his throat.

              But after that he was always, "Hi, Doug... What's wrong?"

              - Count backwards from    . - Sure. Like that'll work.

              - Am I all right? - You're fine.

              Well? I mean...

              Is it..? Is it a boy? I mean, did it work?

              - Is that it? - No. I'm afraid you're it.

              What do you mean? I can't be it.

              - You mean. I'm the clone? - That's right.

              - No. I'm me. He must be the clone. - No. I'm me.

              - Help me out. I'm me, right? - Look here.

              - I must be me. - Hold this.

              Attaboy. Now... look here.

              - You see that? - I see a " ".

              There you go.

              Wait, I remember everything.

              I came in. I put this on. I remember getting the shot.

              You have all Doug's feelings and memories right up to the cloning.

              But now, when you have different experiences, you'll diverge.

              - What do I feed it? - Feed it? What am l? A hamster?

              - Sorry. I mean, it eats something. - He's a person, just like you.

              He'll get duplicate identification here. You take care of the rest.

              Now I'll leave you two alone. You'll have a lot to talk about.


              - What? - Nothing.

              So... Where are you from?

              - Stay down low. Really low. - You want me to get under the car?

              Good. Laura's not home.

              - The Mildew Suite. - We'll fix it all up.

              Am I really going to live here?

              You can't live with me and Laura. She'll wake up, roll over and say:

              "Doug, you two have to get to work or you'll be late."

              Don't worry. We'll clean up, put down some rugs, get a TV...

              We ought to get a satellite dish. Get all the sports and movies...

              I don't know about that... I don't think Laura'll go for that.

              - I knew it. You're whipped. - I'm not whipped.

              You're whipped, partner.

              - Fine, I'm whipped. - Some guys are whipped. It's okay.

              No, you're right. We've got to get a plan together.

              Think fast. Wear these till you get some of your own.

              Don't make me want to kick your ass.

              Come on. Come on.

              Look at this. This is a great coat. l love this old coat.

              - Always use the garden gate. - We should black out the windows.

              Good idea. We have to come up with a strategy for work.

              - We're going to get a lot done. - We're going to kick ass.

              - And Ted... - We're going to destroy Ted.

              We'll ruin him. Bring him down. Crush him. And I'll break his neck.

              Laura's home.

              Hi, honey.

              Zack, help me.

              - What are you doing up there? - I was looking for something.

              - You look really beautiful today. - I do?

              Do you want to go to the pony rides?

              We could go to the movies tonight.

              We could car pool, if you want. No, I could pick you up.

              - Doug! When did you get here? - Six. Half day today, Teddy?

              Let's have that meeting now, Del. Here's the report on the Palisades.

              - When did you do all this? - We should do them every morning.

              Two minutes. Conference room.

              Sure... Find out what he had for breakfast.

              - Morning. Meeting start yet? - I thought you were in the meeting.

              - Did you see me? - Yes, but in a different shirt.

              Yes, but do you know why? I spilled coffee on it.

              - Then I went to my truck when... - I was in the ladies room?

              Perfect. I have another shirt. which I keep for emergencies.

              Like when I spill coffee. Also, I got out my briefcase.

              Then I came back. and I forgot the meeting had started.

              - Shouldn't you go back in? - Yes, but I must go to the truck.

              I'll get the original shirt. It's dry now. And I like it better.

              So when I come out of the meeting I'll be wearing the original shirt.

              - Are you okay? - No problem. Never been better.

              Why don't you forget all about it?

              - Del King Construction. - Is Doug Kinney there?

              - He's in a meeting. Who is it? - Carl.

              - Roger. - Roger who?

              Carl Rogerson.

              Phone call for you, Doug.

              - What's going on? - Who is it?

              It's me. You. It's us.

              Hold on. I'll take it in my office.

              I'm too busy to talk to myself.

              - What's up? - What are you doing there?

              - Where should I be? - I mean, you just went to work?

              - You wanted to be home more. - Yes, but we must discuss this.

              We have to coordinate some stuff. Anyway, how's it going?

              Good. Everything's under control.

              I'll go out to the Palisades later.

              - Then I'll go by Sherman Oaks. - I took care of it, pal.

              - I'll go to North Hollywood. - I'll do that on the way.

              - Reseda? - Already did it.

              I'll tell you what then... What should I do?

              I don't know. Start living it up. I've got to go.


              You think you're hot shit. But you won't fool anybody.

              You read me?

              I'm on top of you. I see you, my friend.

              Take this one.

              What are you doing? Don't kick it.

              It's not soccer. Fall on it! Fall on the ball!

              Defence, let's go.


              - Mom said you had to work. - You're playing, I'm coming.

              You looked good. Go sit with your team.

              I don't pay     bucks to sit and watch my kid eat oranges.

              He played four downs. That's all I have to play him. Period.

              Let go of that. I'm a lawyer, not just a coach. I'll kick your ass...

              Don't touch me! Back off. I've had it!

              - I don't need this. - Don't pay attention to those guys.

              I'm doing the best I can do. It's not like I'm getting paid.

              - No. You could be out playing golf. - I love golf.

              They don't know what they're talking about. I appreciate what you do.

              Can I mention one thing? You should think about a multiple-set offence.

              - Four of these kids are morons. - I understand. If you used Zack...

              - Zack is my kid. - That's it. Here you go.

              You turn this franchise around. See you in the Super Bowl.

              - Hi. What are you doing? - Dad's cooking dinner.

              - Spaghetti? - Yes. Just like the old days.

              Dad's the new football coach. He's great. We scored!

              We've got a good team. Go get washed up for dinner.

              Thanks for coaching, Dad.

              - I thought you had extra work. - Not any more.

              - Did you get fired? - No, no.

              I was tired of carrying that heavy load, so I went in to King and said:

              "You either get me some help or I'm walking." Taste this.

              - What did he say? - What do you think he said?

              I thought he was going to cry. But he agreed to hire some help.

              - The guy's like an assistant. - I'm glad. Who?

              Who? You mean, who's the guy? Just a guy.

              A new guy you don't know. Very new guy.

              - What you're saying is, he's new? - He's going to run everything.

              - And you trust him? - Yes, like I trust myself.

              - Great. What will you do now? - Now? I don't know.

              Right now I thought I might do this.

              - I want you to take that new job. - My job? You mean it?

              Yes! I can still drop off the kids at school and I can leave by three.

              So if you can just back me up occasionally.

              - Let's get the kids to bed early. - What time is it?

              -  :  . - Kids, bedtime!

              Hi, Doug.

              - Hi. Vic. What time is it? - It's...  :   in New York.

              - Then it's  :   here. - Why is it on New York time?

              I bought it in New York and couldn't reset the darn thing.

              - When did I tell you to be here? - No specific time.

              Yes.   :  . In fact, I repeated it twice.

              Do you want solid or laminate?

              That's strange. For some reason  :   just stuck in my head.

              I'll stick something in your head.

              You're fired.

              Take your New York watch and your fat ass and get out of here.

              - For being a few minutes late? - No, no. Three, four. That's a few.

              You were    minutes late. That's not a few. Hit it.

              Is this a negotiating tactic?

              I'm on my way.

              Take your hands off me, now.

              Now I'm getting mad. You've made a point. What's happening now?

              Are you guys on a break? Let's go!

              - What got into you today? - I should've fired him long ago.

              - But he has like    kids. - He's been married    times.

              - What have you got there? - You ought to see these plans.

              Hi, it's me. I need to work late. Could you pick up the kids?

              - Sure. - It's not that simple.

              - It's picture day at ballet class. - That'll be cute.

              Go home, give her a bath, mousse her hair and be there at  :  .

              - Can you do this? - I can do it. I'll see you.

              Okay. Bye.

              - Hello? - Take the kids to the ballet.

              - Wait. I was just teeing off here. - Not today, pal. See you later.

              I don't want a shower. I want a bath. I hate showers!

              Zack, get her on that side. Contain her.

              - You're going. - I'm not going.

              Let me see. Turn around.

              Good. I like it. Let's go.

              Hi. Sorry we're late. We're here for the pictures.

              Didn't anyone call you? It was changed to tomorrow.

              - No, seriously. The pictures. - Tomorrow.

              Get a photographer down here now.

              - Right now. - I'll see what I can do.

              Hello? She's not here right now.

              You can leave a message.

              Hold on a second.

              Can you call back? I have a little emergency here.

              One of the kids swallowed a spoon. No, just a teaspoon. She'll live.

              Keep it down!

              - He took it. - Zack, give it back to her.

              I'm telling you, give it back.

              - Doodyhead! - You're a doodyhead.

              Bath time. Go on up and don't come out till you're married.

              - Could we have some cake? - Get up there.

              I'm sorry. This couple wanted to see the same house over and over.

              - We're both here. - Of course, sir. Right this way.

              - This is like having an affair. - We're too busy to have an affair.

              I think he likes you.

              I like him too, but there's no future in it. Besides, I have you.

              What are we celebrating?

              You know. I've been thinking...

              - This isn't working out. - What?

              This new arrangement. I'm not getting anything done.

              All I do is cook and do laundry.

              I pick up and drop off the kids, dress them and clean up after them.

              I've done that for ten years. You've done it for a month.

              - It comes more naturally to you. - How so?

              You're a nurturer. You are.

              First of all you have two X-chromosomes, and I have...

              It's scientifically proven. That's why you have breasts and I don't.

              Just what are you saying?

              This system isn't working. We have to go back to the way it was.

              You take care of the house. and I do what I need to do.

              And what do you need to do?

              I have to go back to work. And that's it.

              No, that's not it. I love my job, and I'm doing great at it.

              Valerie is moving me into estates. I'll be making a good living soon.

              I know it's hard, and I can imagine your day, but I'm not quitting.

              We'll just have to work it out. And that is it.

              It's funny you think that's it. Because that's not it.

              What I said... That's it. What you said... not it.

              No, Doug. This is it.

              I can't believe you lured me here for this.

              Can I have some water? I didn't lure you into anything.

              I had no idea. You tease me and I kind of liked it...

              But I thought you were a happily married guy.

              - I sleep in the guest house. - My God. Is it that bad?

              It's pretty bad.

              She's sleeping with another guy. That's the God's honest truth.

              - She doesn't even know I exist. - It must be so hard for you.

              - It is. - Do you want to go to my place?

              - I understand... - Doug, are you all right?

              - What's wrong? - It's a football injury. Rose Bowl.

              - You played? - I fell out of the bleachers.

              Can I help you to the car?

              - Let's get some dessert. - You're still hungry?

              My life's a shambles. I need pie.

              Can you breathe? Should I Heimlich you?

              - I'll get you some more water. - No! Laura! Look at me.

              - How do I look? - Crazy.

              Let's order. Let's get something to eat. We'll feel better.

              - I'm going to the ladies' room. - Me too. To the men's room.

              I mean, I'll accompany you to... You know what I mean.

              Boy, everything looks so good.

              Doug, that's the wine list.

              I thought there were a hell of a lot of beverages on there.

              Will you order? You know what I like. Anything with barbecue sauce.

              - What are you doing here? - It's my favourite restaurant.

              - I know. What about Noreen? - She's a colleague. We're talking.

              - Come on. You're up to something. - Are you jealous?

              - You can't cheat on Laura. - You can't. I never get to see her.

              - This isn't working out. - What do you mean?

              Our deal. We'll switch. I'll go back to work and you'll stay home.

              I'm going to do housework?

              I thought you were joking. There's no way that's ever going to happen.

              I got you the job, pal!

              You think I'm a genie? You rub a lamp and I do what you want me to?

              - I have things I need to do. - Look, things change...

              You took away my wife, my family, my friends. All I have is my job.

              I'm doing the work you couldn't do. And I'm making it pay, so back off.

              - I'm just washing his face. - Of course. Please, carry on.

              - What are you doing? - I had to do something.

              We'll talk later. I'll distract Laura. Get Noreen out of here.

              He's in way over his head.

              Doug, I'm ready for dessert. That's not your sport coat.

              I switched with a guy in the men's room.

              We traded. Men do that all the time.

              - Let's go. - I thought you wanted pie.

              It's your wife!

              - May we join you? - Have we met?

              - What happened to your shirt? - Water spots.

              - I don't want to fight about this. - Great.

              - About what? - My job.

              Hell, no. We don't want to fight about that. That'd be dumb.

              - Laura, do you love me? - Of course I love you.

              Then kiss me.

              Come on. Let's go.

              That guy looks a lot...

              I'm sorry... He's kissing her!

              - Come on. - Stop pushing?

              Hi. Can I talk to you for a second?

              Sure. You want a beer?

              Actually I could use a couple.

              Two, I'd like you to meet...

              - Three. - Hi, how are you?

              Are you nuts? Are you mentally nuts?

              - I have it all figured out. - What do we need him for?

              He's going to help me with the kids, and when you're not working -

              - you guys can hang out together.

              - I'm giddy! - We could do a lot together.

              - You're lonely. I got you a friend. - Where is he going to stay?

              Here with you. That way you have a friend and a roommate. Look at him.

              I have an idea. How about no?

              Doug, he needs space. It's a shock. I think.

              The idea was for you to work while I was with Laura and the kids.

              Well, it isn't working. I need a break, so I can work on the house.

              Or sit and think a single thought. Or play golf every once in a while.

              I've been working since I was    years old. It's break time.

              I think the   -year-old is saying: "You need time for Doug."

              - What a suck! - I don't know what a suck is.

              - Come on. For Doug. - Fine. Screw your life up.

              - You're in way over your head. - You're two good-looking guys.

              - I'll make this up to you. - Start by cloning Laura.

              Cloning, Laura... Bye, Doug. Have a good time.

              I'm worried about him. He's uptight, isn't he?

              He'll be all right.

              That's a lot of ribs. What is that? A slab?

              Okay kids, hurry up. We're going to be late.

              Books, jackets.

              I'll drive the kids to school. Take a couple of minutes to yourself.

              - Thanks. - That's all right.

              Look, what I said about you quitting your job... Forget it.

              You have as much right to work as I do.

              - You mean it? - I mean it.

              I just want you to be happy.

              I'll give you a foot rub tonight.

              - How's it going? - Fine. I'm baking. Where are you?

              At the Laker game. I meant to go home, but I felt like stopping here.

              Have a good time.

              - Did you hear from Two? - He's still at work.

              The guy's a horse. I'll be home soon.

              All right. See you.

              - What happened? - Nothing. I had a terrible dream.

              - What was it? Your dream? - I don't know.

              Go back to sleep. Everything will be okay.

              What was that all about? Up there, with Laura?

              - Who won the game? - Don't worry about that. Lakers.

              - What were you doing in bed? - Nothing.

              We were watching TV. Laura wanted to go to bed. What could I do?

              What do you mean, "she wanted to go to bed"?

              - What do you mean? - You know what I mean.

              - Did you have sex with my wife? - No!

              No, Douglas! Here was the plan. When she was asleep, I'd sneak out.

              I guess I dozed off. Nothing happened.

              She did kind of brush me in that region, but I mamboed out of there.

              Doug, he mamboed out.

              Listen to me. Both of you. Rule number one.

              It's unbreakable. Don't even try to bend this rule.

              Nobody has sex with my wife but me.

              Fabulous rule, Doug.

              - No clone nookie. - You're the man, Doug.

              Original nookie only.

              - We're clear on that rule, right? - Absolutely. It's locked in here.

              - So, did you? - No!

              - Wimp. - Slob.

              The mambo king.

              Watch the stern there!

              Number eight, it's a boat, not a bathtub.

              - Did you enjoy sailing? - It was more like bumper cars.

              How about a nice "I sailed with Walt" T-shirt?

              Do you have an "I got a refund from Walt" T-shirt?

              I'd like to learn how to sail. Do you have anything big enough -

              - to take my whole family out and not end up like Gilligan?

              Great show. Remember the one with the Harlem Globetrotters?

              That was good. Believable, too.

              - What the hell are you doing? - How many of you are there?

              That's our brother Doug. This is Patti and Beth. We were dancing.

              One's cuter than the next.

              Are you as much fun as Lance and Rico?

              Lance and Ri..?

              - You're Rico, I'm guessing. - Guess again.

              Even he can't tell them apart.

              Look, can we have some privacy? We have to have a family meeting.

              - Wait.. - We were going to have a party.

              - You're kidding, right? - No.

              - Are you a drag or what? - Try to keep your voices down.

              Goodnight, Lance! Goodnight, Rico!

              The adventures of Lance and Rico.

              - Where did you meet them, Lance? - They work at the Minimart.

              Yes, they're clerks.

              - Were the Slurpee girls busy? - I stopped to pick up my dinner.

              She offered to nuke my corn dog. What am I going to say? No?

              So we came back here to party.

              - They were two very nice women. - "Women" being the key word here.

              You can't just bring strangers up here.

              - Are we supposed to be monks? - He has a point.

              A damn good point.

              - What are you doing? - What do you mean?

              - I'm having a smoke. - I can see that, but why?

              I spent      dollars to quit. Remember?

              - Looks like it didn't take. - Don't ever do that again.

              - What are you going to do about it? - I'll hit you so hard, he'll die.

              Guys, come on. Let's sit down and talk. You're angry. Like two lions.

              - Shut up. - I'm sorry.

              - Where's your aspirin? - Tylenol. In the kitchen.

              I'll find it.

              I'll find it.

              Look at this place. It's a mess. I can't leave you for a minute.

              One, two, three, four.

              Doug, if I might...

              One, two, three...

              - Four... - Twelve.

              Doug, I'd like you to meet Four.

              I got a wallet. That guy gave it to me.

              I'm going to drive a car.

              He's got a wallet. Come here. Come here.

              - Where did he come from? - He'll help us out around here.

              Do the day-to-day stuff. Clean the house, take out the trash and so on.

              Forget that! What the hell is wrong with him?


              Nothing's really wrong. He's a little special.

              He's fine. He'll be all right.

              - He's special, all right. - We made a copy from Two.

              Sometimes a copy from a copy is not quite as sharp as the original.

              Leeds loved it. because it was very experimental.

              We got a great deal.

              Leeds loved it? Good. Because I hate it.

              You can't just go around cloning people. That's crazy!

              Listen up. Listen really clearly to me.

              Rule number two. First of all... We all remember rule number one.

              - No sleeping with your wife. - That's important.

              - Rule number two: No more Dougs. - This is plenty, I think.

              I'll call Leeds tomorrow. We're out of the Doug-making business.

              - Am I clear? Am I clear on this? - The book's closed on that one.

              I like pizza. I like it!

              We're going to need a cage.

              Bye, Steve. Good party.

              I like Steve.

              - How did it go? - I'm telling you, this is great!

              You want some really great sailing? Bring Mrs. Doug tomorrow -

              - and come to Catalina with Robin and me on my big boat.

              We'll cruise the Avalon Harbour at sunset. Champagne on board.

              We'd leave you alone. You make love right on the boat. Very romantic.

              - Think about Catalina. - I'll call you.

              Honey, may I do that? I want to show you something.

              First of all, this piece of aluminium foil is too small.

              It can't cover it all, so you'll get that hard crust around the meat. -

              - and nobody wants to eat that.

              At Christmas time we can make an ornament out of it.

              And save those fries. We'll paint them and hang them on the tree.

              The kids are going to love that. Okay, we'll take a fresh piece.

              Now we fold up one side. Make sure we're even.

              Then I fold once. twice or three times. Whatever you need to fold it.

              But don't just roll it over. Then you have that lump in the middle.

              Fold it nicely, so no air gets in there. Air is our enemy.

              Then take this. Tuck, tuck, fold. T.T.F.

              Two tucks and a fold. I just think of Elizabeth Taylor.

              Now roll it over nice and flat. No air is going to get in there.

              We could send it off to NASA and nothing would happen. Now, the lid.

              That's very nice. Very nice.

              Doug, I've noticed some things about you lately that make me think...

              - What? - Nothing.

              Go like this.

              Can I just do something?

              See what that does? It frames you better. It gives you height.

              Why don't you go relax and let me finish cleaning up?


              - Are you sure? - I'm sure.

               Freezer. Second shelf. With all the other meat products.

                Unless it's in a skin casing. Then it goes lower... In the bin.

                That was a great meal, honey.

                - You cooked it. - But you ate it.

                Were you wearing that shirt earlier?

                - This? Yes, sure. - I'm losing it.

                Dad, watch this.

                - I'll show you "walking the dog". - You just showed me before dinner.

                I did? That's right. I forgot.

                You want to go get some ice cream?

                Unless we already did.

                - Doug, did you decide? - Did I decide what?

                What we talked about all evening. You said you'd think about it.

                I did. I gave it a lot of thought.

                What did you think?

                Well, I gave it a lot of thought.

                I think whatever you think is probably the smartest thing to do.

                Don't put this all on me. They're your kids, too.

                Can I say something? Let's leave the kids out of this.

                You want to go to Disney World without the kids?

                No. I don't want to do that. That wouldn't be fair to the kids.

                To go, just you and me, would be stupid. When is it we're going?

                - Christmas. I bought the tickets. - Are you nuts?

                - You told me to buy them. - Not me.

                - Not me. Not me. - You're driving me crazy!

                I call and you bite my head off. At times you're as sweet as can be.

                Then you're obsessed with details, and now you don't even listen to me.

                - What is going on with you? - Nothing. Nothing's wrong with me.

                You could have bipolar disorder or multiple personalities.

                Let's sail to Catalina.

                - Drink wine and make love. - Doug, you don't sail.

                But I drink and make love. The sailing... How hard can it be?

                We can't just sail off to Catalina.

                Let's be spontaneous! We used to do stuff like this.

                You're the one who wants to go to Ecuador and throw harpoons.

                - Doug, that's just talk. - Let's do it. Why not?

                Your job. My job. Jennifer's dance recital. The Donaldsons' party.

                - I'm not going to that. - You said you were.

                When you figure out what you want, would you just let me know?

                - Hello? - In here, Doug.


                - Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure, Doug.

                - What's up? - I have to go away.

                - It's a business trip. - Business trip?

                - I handle the business. - He does. Steve.

                Fine. it's not business. I need to be alone and figure some things out.

                You need to get centered. Good idea. You deserve that.

                - You have to be me night and day. - What about rule number one?

                Rule number one. Steve! What's rule number one?

                Rain Man, go floss yourself.

                The rule stands. Remember when I had a bronchial infection? You got it.

                Cough. Tell her you don't want her to catch it. Can you handle that?

                - I have a sore throat and a fever. - Do you want me to handle it?

                - No. Thanks, though. - I'm just trying to help out.

                - Is he safe with that? - We take the blade out.

                We shave him while he's sleeping.

                It's cute.

                All right, I'm counting on you.

                Hi. Walt.

                - Where's your wife? - She couldn't make it.

                Don't you want to wait until she can come?

                - No. she'll come next time. - All right. Come aboard.


                I'm sorry. I understand why you wanted us to go away together.

                It sounded romantic. But we don't have to go away to make love.

                - Are you all right? - I'm coming down with something.

                I've got a lot of phlegm, and I'm burning up.

                I think I have a fever. We'd better not get close tonight.

                - I'm not worried. - I don't want you to get sick.

                I just think... You know what? Maybe if you'd not do that...

                - Maybe I ought to sleep in the den. - Just relax.

                Hey, did you hear from your parents? How are they?

                I'm really feeling sick.

                I'm going to make you feel better.

                - You weren't that sick after all. - No. I guess not.

                That was so unusual. I've never seen you cry like that.

                That time when the souffle fell. But besides that...

                l guess I was just moved by it all.

                - You know what I want now? - No.

                Graham crackers and chocolate milk.

                - You want some? - No, thanks. I've had plenty.

                What have I done? What have I done?

                - Hey! Who ate all the bologna? - Burglars.

                - Did you eat everything? - Count Chocula.

                That's it. I'm starving. I'll sneak in and get something to eat.

                Doug, you startled me! Change your mind?

                Yes, I changed my mind. I think.

                Want some?

                You taste good.

                You taste pretty good yourself.

                Remember when we used to make love all over the house?

                I remember.

                Aren't you hungry? Boy, I could go for one of these...

                ... canned hams.

                Wait. I don't know if this is... the worst idea in the world.

                I don't think we should do this. l have a really bad cough.

                Of course it could clear up in a second.

                I want you.

                I'm not so sure... Okay.

                Grab that.

                That was athletic. Better than the Stair-Master.

                I guess I got a little carried away. Are you all right?

                Shouldn't we go back upstairs?

                - I guess. Here. - Thanks.

                Laura, I almost forgot. There are some things I have to take care of.

                - I'll be up in a minute. - The kids.

                I forgot to shut the windows in the Volvo.

                No problem. I'll get it.

                Sorry about yelling!


                Oh, baby!

                You're drenched. I'm sorry. Come upstairs.

                I don't know what I was thinking.

                You're soaking. Come on and get out of these wet clothes.

                I'm sorry, I was so selfish.

                Let me help you with those pants.


                - My peepee. - I see.

                So much for rule number one.

                A hell of a ride.

                Maybe we'll get the onshore wind tomorrow. That'll be easier.

                You ought to sit up or you'll start feeling ill again.

                - I'm sorry I hurled on your dog. - It's not the first time.

                Some people really shouldn't sail.

                Maybe not. I was pretty miserable there for a while.

                It wasn't just the getting sick part.

                When I was down there with my head in the head...

                My whole life actually flashed before my eyes.

                The funny part is... I wasn't in it.

                I've got to get back into my life.

                I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

                But good luck to you.

                -    . You're not going anywhere. - You're not going anywhere, Steve.

                - The building inspector's coming. - You're too sick to go anywhere.

                - Del King. - Del? It's Doug.

                - How are you doing? - Not good. I can't make it today.

                - Why don't you rip out my liver? - You're being a little dramatic?

                If we don't get inspected today, that guy won't be back for a month.

                I understand. But I'm really ill. Can't someone else meet him?

                Nobody knows this job like you do. Get down here or you're fired!

                Nice attitude. Del.

                - He said... - I heard him. I have to go.

                - You can't go. - I have to go.

                - Maybe I'll lie down for a... - Take care of him. I'm going.

                Sorry, Steve, that leg has to come off.

                All right. So these are the water pipes.

                And you've got hot and cold available in all units.

                That's very nice. And what's that? It looks like...

                It's the gas line, which would feed natural gas to all appliances -

                - which would require natural gas.

                You're not answering the question.

                - What was the question? - The plan showed two-inch lines.

                Go like this. You've got something... That's it.

                - Why did you go with one-inch? - That's right. Now I remember.

                So what's the answer?

                Can you excuse me for a second?

                Why did you decide to use one-inch gas lines?

                Knock it off!

                Originally there were two ovens, but King cut it back to one.

                Got it. I remember now. The original plan called for two ovens.

                Somebody decided to cut back to one to save money, I guess.

                I like a double oven. Sure there's a lot of bending, -

                - but you can have a turkey in the bottom and rutabaga up top.

                - It's nice for entertaining. - But you stubbed out for two.

                What if someone wants two ovens?

                I don't know. Hold on a second.

                - This is ridiculous. - Wait...

                He can't answer the questions, he runs off. You know what that means?

                - Alcohol and drugs. - God knows what he's done here.

                Because of the oven we took the laundry room off this line.

                - We ran a separate line for that. - What about the gas fireplaces?

                Thinking. Thinking. Boy, does he have some tough ones.

                He doesn't know what he's doing.

                Wait a second. You're entitled to your opinion.

                But it's not fair to judge anyone after one superficial conversation.

                - We have to re-inspect everything. - Kinney. Doug Kinney.

                Stop all work until further notice. I'll be back in about three weeks.

                Get your act together or you'll lose your license. And get him some help.

                You what? You got fired? How?

                No, no, no. Just come home.

                Doug, what are you doing home?

                - Are you sick? - Yes. We're out of Pepto-Bismol.

                - What about your big inspection? - I guess I missed it, didn't I?

                Wasn't it important? I rearranged everything so you could go.

                What are you, some kind of saint? Do you want me to give you a medal?

                Now I feel better.

                Doug, you've been under a lot of pressure lately.

                But when you talk like that, I think you mean it. It hurts me.

                Something is happening lately. I feel like I don't know you.

                It scares me, Doug.

                You tell yourself that your problems aren't serious.

                They happen to everyone. You hope they'll go away, but they don't.

                It's like this house. You always said you'd fix it up.

                "I'll fix it," you always say. But nothing ever gets fixed.

                I need to know what you're feeling.

                I need to know if you still love me.

                Please, just tell me what you want.

                I want pizza.


                I want pizza. Give me some pizza.

                Hey! Are you guys crazy? What if Laura walks in?

                Not much chance of that, sport.

                - Where is she? - She left you.

                Nothing but tail lights.

                She took the kids and went to her mother's. They're in Palm Springs.

                - I'm sorry. Did you eat? - Forget that! Wait a minute.

                - What happened with Laura? - We had a fight.

                - Why were you even talking to her? - It's complicated.

                I was pissed off because I got fired.

                No. he did. You couldn't answer a few, simple, basic questions.

                Simple questions? It was like being on Jeopardy, for crying out loud.

                - Knock it off! - Puke-face.

                Did you bring me a monkey?

                - There's something else. - What?

                About rule number one...

                What about it?

                We bent it a little.

                We bent it a lot. Damn near broke the thing off.

                - Did you sleep with my wife? - Let's have some tea.

                I'm sorry, Doug. She's a powerful woman.

                Take it easy!

                She thought it was you.

                The fact is... She thought I was you, too.

                - We're not perfect. - We're not perfect.

                I don't believe this!

                I leave you alone for one day! And you totally destroy my life.

                We didn't destroy your life. You did.

                Actually, we were trying to save it, and we were doing pretty good.

                We just had one really bad day.

                We tried. She was unstoppable. It was like she couldn't get...

                She touched my peepee, Steve.

                I don't understand this.

                We've had fights before, but...

                Why did she leave?

                - You don't fix stuff. - What?

                You always say you're going to fix stuff, and then you don't.

                Did Laura say that?


                You talked to her before she left?

                Maybe. I don't remember.

                This will refresh your memory.

                Where do you put all that stuff?

                Did you? Did she tell you something?

                She talked to me a lot.

                She was afraid and she cried.

                She cried?

                She cried, because...

                - Because I don't fix anything? - She's scared.

                She's scared.

                - I'll buy you a present for this. - A chainsaw?

                Or a book. Something really nice.

                Come on up. I'm spitting on bugs.

                - What's going on? - I need you guys to help me.

                I'm putting my life back together. Come on. Let's go.

                - About time. - Polyblend.

                - Steve, can I help? - Grab the end of that plastic.

                You said to be here at  :  . I'd like you to note the time.

                -  :  . - This thing drives me nuts.

                I'm sorry I spoke to you like that. You're the best cement man alive.

                - Really? - No. No one else was available.

                I can accept that. You said you had your own guys?

                Hi. Vic.

                - Let's go to work. - Fair enough.

                Okay, you heard him.

                I made some really tasty sandwiches if you want one.


                - Tuna with curried mayonnaise. - I like that.

                That's why I made them.

                Let me ask you something.

                The other night, when you were...

                - When you were with Laura... - I'll tell you something.

                When she wants something, there's no stopping her.

                - I don't want any details. - No, no. I know.

                You think that...

                ... that she liked you better than she likes me?

                Of course not, Doug. First of all, you are me.

                - I am you. Do you understand? - Yes, that's right.

                I'm me, you're me and I'm you.

                I know she loves you, Doug.

                I wasn't there for her.

                Even when I was there I wasn't there.

                Remember what you said about quality time with your family?

                Trust me. It's all quality time.

                That's for sure.

                You have to brush your teeth.

                Don't forget your books and jackets. Grandpa will take you to school.

                Dad! Did you come to take us home?

                Go inside and let me talk to Dad. You can see Daddy later.

                Come on, you guys. Hurry up.

                - How was the desert? - Great. Just what I needed.

                I saw on the weather that it was like     degrees.

                It was a little hot.

                All right, here's the deal. I'm going to ask you to come home.

                But I won't plead with you. If you say yes, great.

                But don't expect me to stand in front of the neighbours and beg.

                I don't think...

                Stop it. Get up. Why didn't you talk to me? It was mean.

                - That wasn't me. - That's just the point.

                I was a little confused about who I was. All right, real confused.

                Look, it's happened to you. You want to be a mom and to work.

                You want to be independent, but you need to be taken care of a little.

                - It gets confusing, doesn't it? - Yes.

                Come home, so I can show you something.

                Come on. Just for a minute.

                It's beautiful. Oh, Doug.

                This is perfect.

                Great, right?

                The wall's gone.

                It's just like I dreamed...

                I'm so glad you like it.

                It's so pretty.

                How did you do this?

                I had some of the boys do some work and we just got it done.

                If you put your mind to it, you can do anything.

                - What do you think? - I think it's a miracle.

                It's good, right? I told you I'd finish it. I just needed time.

                I'm thinking of starting my own business. What do you think?

                That way I could set my own hours.

                I don't want to do anything big. l want to start with small projects.

                Bird houses and mail boxes. Stuff like that.

                That'd be nice.

                I love you so much.

                I mean, I just...

                I just really love you.

                Whatever I do. whatever you need to do...

                As long as we're both rowing the same boat we'll be fine.

                - Bye, honey! - See you.


                Where are you guys headed?

                - Wherever the road takes us. - Maybe Florida. Stop off in Vegas.

                We're going to eat a dolphin.

                - No, you're going to pet one. - Right. We'll pet a dolphin.

                - Will you be all right? - We'll be okay.

                - We'll be fine. Don't worry. - How about you? You'll be okay?

                I'm going to be fine.

                I'll tell you one thing. You're three good-looking guys.

                - When he's right, he's right. - I guess.

                - I'll see you. - Bye, Doug.

                See you, Steve.

                If a T. Rex fought with a tank... Who'd win?

                I don't know, honey.


                You know how to tell you love someone?

                When everyone reminds you of them.

                Dear Doug. Greetings from sunny Miami.

                We've been open for six months and business is booming.

                Two is happy because he gets to meet new people every day.

                You know how nice he can be when he wants to.

                I'm cooking up a storm and having a ball.

                The pizzas are selling like crazy. People just love my pepperoni.

                And you'd be so proud of Four.

                He's working two jobs. In the morning he delivers newspapers.

                And the rest of the day he delivers pizzas for us.



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