Muriel's Wedding Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Muriel's Wedding script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Toni Collette movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Muriel's Wedding. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Muriel's Wedding Script





Hey, I'm already taken, love.



- Who got it?

- Muriel.



Looks like I'm next.



Cheryl. Cheryl!

I can throw it again.



You can't do that.

It went to her.



Muriel, throw it again.



What's the use of you having it, Muriel?

No one's ever gonna marry you.



You've never even had a boyfriend.



Cheryl's been going with Shane

for over six weeks. She's next.



Muriel, don't be selfish.



Sugar baby love



Sugar baby love



Keep your stupid bouquet!



Shane and I broke up last night!



Cheryl! Cheryl!



Now look what you've done.

You didn't even buy a new dress.



- Yes, I did.

- Cheryl!



Chook, I won't be a minute.

Cheryl's upset. Cheryl!



- Leave me alone!

- Yes, all lovers make



Make the same mistakes



As me and you



There you are. Now if you

put this under your pillow,



you'll dream of your future husband.



- That's what they say.

- We always meet at Mary Tate's.



G'day, Muriel.

That's an eye-catchin' dress.



You got a minute?



How's your dad?

Give him my card.



I want you to tell him that

Leo Higgins reckons he's a great man...



the best council president

this town's ever had.



- Will you do that for me?

- What happened to your nose?



- What?

- Nothing.



Sunburnt, that's all.



Oh, my God.



But we're friends. What?



- I love you.

- Yeah, but you love Tania too.



- Chook.

- What?



Shut the door!



Excuse me, sir. Move aside, miss.

Can you step aside, please?



- Please tell me--

- That's her.



Miss, we'd like to have a word

to you about your dress.



- What's wrong with it?

- You stole it. I saw you.



Give me your work number,

and if she can't turn up a receipt...



I can call you for a statement.



Ask for Dianne,

Senior Store Detective.



- Mind your head, please.

- I'm so pleased.



I had the perfect arrest record

until I lost her in boys wear.



How'd you know she'd be here?



I didn't.

I'm the groom's cousin.



It's as good as approved.

Well, no, it's not.



But it will be. Porpoise Spit Council

backs me a hundred percent.



- Look, we'll talk about it

at dinner tonight.

- Around and around



- Yeah, me whole family. Penelope!

- And around--



Do that somewhere else, will ya?

Ask your mum to make a cup of tea!



Mom, make Dad a cup of tea.



Mom! Make Dad a cup of tea!



- Me too.

- What?



Tea? Oh, yes.



- He got it! Look at that!

- Oh, man.



Did you see that?

That was unreal.



Muriel's back.



Muriel, did you steal this dress?



- No.

- Where'd you get the money to buy it?



You haven't had a job in two years.



- Mum gave it to me.

- Is this true?



Um, no, I don't think so.



Find the receipt. Go on!



What happens

if she can't find it?



We'll have to contact the store

and see if they want to press charges.



- You know who I am?

- Yes, sir. Councillor Heslop.



- Who are you?

- I'm Constable Saunders,

and this is Constable Gillespie.



Saunders? You're not

Graham Saunders' oldest boy, are you?



- Brad.

- Young Brad.



I haven't seen you since you played

fullback for the Porpoise Spit Giants!



How's your dad? How's he

recovering from that stroke?



- He's better than he was.

- You're terrible, Muriel.



How about a beer? Cold one

before you go back to work?



- Betty.

- Yes? What?



- Get the young fellas a beer.

- Oh. Yes.



You can dance



You can jive



Having the time of your life



Ooh, see that girl



Watch that scene



Diggin' the dancing queen



Friday night and the lights are low



Looking out for a place to go



- Where they play the right music

- See you, boys!



- Getting in the swing

- See you, Bill.



You come to look for a king



Anybody could be that guy



Night is young

and the music's high



I think he'll enjoy that.

It's very good.



Oh, honey prawns! Yes! Yum!



Aw, look at that!

You're a wonderful man, Charlie Chan.



- Thank you.

- How's your uncle?

- Very well.



I got his uncle out from China.

Talked to the boys from lmmigration.



lan McKay and his blokes,

they got his uncle out from China.



- This is a great man.

- Charlie.



- This is Victor Keinosuke

and his mate, uh, Akira.

- How do you do?



They're building a resort

at Wallum Beach...



and they might want a Chinese restaurant

in it, so keep the food comin'.



- Please, please.

- Thank you. Thank you.



It's all on the house.

I got his uncle out from China.



You've done a lot for the people

of this town, Bill.



- Who told you that?

- You did.



Ah, well, um-- I like helping out.

Ran for state government once.



Joanie, stand up.

Show 'em your shirt.



"Bill Heslop.

You can't stop progress."



- He lost.

- Yeah, well, missed on the postal vote.



In a way, I'm glad

I didn't get in.



I can do more for this place

at grass roots level.



You know, high rise,

malls, resorts.



Porpoise Spit Council

believes in progress. Muriel.



When Victor was   

he was a millionaire.



Muriel's on the dole.



So is Perry.



Well, I've got a job interview

next week. An apprentice locksmith.



Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Doesn't it, Bill?



A bit old for an apprentice,

aren't you?



A bit old for everything!



After she failed high school...



I get her into a secretarial course

run by a mate of mine.



$    a term.

Two years, $    .



- She comes out, she can't even type.

- I could type.



Then I get her a job

at me solicitor's.



After a month, Stevie Mason rings up

and says he'll have to let her go...



'cause she can't type.



If I couldn't type, why did they give me

my secretarial diploma?



Because I paid for it!



Sits around the house

like a dead weight...



watching TV, sleeping all day,

getting arrested at weddings!



You're useless.



You're all useless.



A bunch of useless no-hopers.



Bill! Bill!



- It's Deidre Chambers.

- What a go!



- What a coincidence!

- What a coincidence!



Deidre, pull up a chair.

Penelope, shift out.



- Deidre, Victor Keinosuke

and his mate Akira.

- Hello. Hello.



All the way from China--

Uh, Japan.



Deidre's a sales representative

for Radiant Cosmetics.



- Beauty consultant, Bill.

- Sorry. Beauty consultant.



"Sales representative"

sounds so common.



I advise women on the right

lipstick, base and eyeliner.



Of course, you'd know all about make-up.

Your wives are probably geishas.



You look lovely, Deidre.



Muriel, how was that wedding?



- She was arrested.

- That's lovely.



Don't you wish you were

   again, Betty?



Remember that age?



Oh, yes. What?



I bet you were a terror

when you were   .



Bill, was she a terror?



Where's Charlie Chan

with that food?



Oh, yes, where is he?



Anyone? Oh, wait.

I think we've got a winner over here.



Two new bars through there.



Here she comes.

Give her a bit of a hand.



Your dad was telling me

you're unemployed, Muriel.



Would you like to work for me?



- What's wrong?

- What's the matter?



Yeah, tell us.

We won't tell anyone.






Don't bottle it up, Tania.

You've got to let it out.



You can tell us what happened.

We won't tell anyone.



He-- He couldn't do it...



so I-- you know.



And I noticed there

was lipstick on it.



- On what?

- His dick!



He said he was having an affair.



Who with?



- Rose Biggs.

- Rose Biggs?



Well, he said they don't sleep together.

She only sucks him off.






- Out of respect for me.

- Bitch.



- Bastard.

- What am I gonna do? I'm a bride!



I'm supposed to be euphoric!



Come on the holiday with us!



Cash in your ticket to Bali

and have your honeymoon with us.



- Yeah.

- Yeah, come on, Tan.



All right.



We are gonna have the best time.

I'm so excited!



What holiday?



Just Hibiscus Island.



We didn't think that you could afford it

because you don't have a job.



Yes, I do. I got one last night.

I'm a beauty consultant.



Let's tell her. We were

gonna tell her after the holiday...



but I think we should tell her now.



- Muriel--

- Wait!



Let her finish her Orgasm.



Muriel, people think we're mad.



But that's just us.

We're ragers.



People invite us to parties, and

they know we'll just have a good time.



- We're mad.

- Party, party, party.



That's our image.

You know what I mean.



We're mad.



We don't want you

hanging around us any more.



I didn't steal the dress.

It was a mistake.



It's not the dress, it's you.



We've told you a thousand times how

to do your hair, but you never listen.



- You never wear the right clothes.

- You're fat.



You listen to '  s music.

This is the '  s.



- We all listen to the Baby Animals.

- And Nirvana.



- You bring us down, Muriel.

- You embarrass us.



I, I know I'm not normal,

but I'm trying to change.



I'm trying to become more like you,

more of a--



- It's too late.

- But I can change!



You'll still be you.



Muriel, you've got to find

friends on your own level.



Like I found Chook.

He's up on my level.



Marrying him was

the happiest day of my life.



I love him so much!



That bastard!

I'll show him.



I'll go on this holiday

and I'll sleep with a thousand men!



I'm not nothing.



Muriel, can't you think of anyone

but yourself? Tania's upset.



I'm not nothing!



Well, nobody said that.



Oh, please don't chuck me

out of the group!



Muriel. Muriel, you're

embarrassing us again!



And Perry kicks!

He picks it up!



"Go yourself! Go yourself!"

is the roar from the crowd.



Heslop! Heslop! Heslop! Whoo!



How can a man be so strong

and so fast? Heslop!






Wake up to yourself!



And Heslop's made a comeback!

How does he do it?



- Did he apply for the police force?

- Yes, but they wouldn't let him

sit for the test...



'cause he was too tall.



- Muriel up?

- Muriel!



You've got to get up!

It's nearly   :  !



Make sure she sees Deidre Chambers

about that job.



- Give her a blank cheque

for the cosmetics.

- A blank cheque? How much for?



It's a blank cheque.

She fills in the amount

when Deidre tells her what it is.



And tell Perry to mow that back yard.

Clean the place up. It's a pigsty.



Joanie, will you turn

off that television and clean

this place up? It's a pigsty.



Muriel, you have to get up and go

and see Deidre Chambers about that job.



- And I have to give you a blank cheque.

- Have you seen my smokes?



It's wonderful for Deidre

to give you work.



She's a wonderful person.

I don't care what anyone else says.



- Mum?

- What who says?



All those people

who've never liked Dad.



Those greedies and those

terrible women at the post office.



What are they saying?



Do I make this out to Deidre Chambers

or Radiant Cosmetics?



A blank cheque. Cash.



What are they saying

about Deidre and Dad?



They say that they

go driving at night...



but he's only showing her

his developments.



- His what?

- His building sites.



I'm gonna be a success, Mum.



I'm gonna get married,

and I'm gonna be a success.



I know you are. Your dad just

wants to be proud of you, that's all.



I'll show him.

I'll show them all.



And now, everybody a big round of

applause as we welcome to the stage...



act three in Hibiscus Island

Talent Quest.



The Tropical Delights!

Let's hear it for the girls! Thank you!



The tide is high

but I'm holding on



I'm gonna be your number one



I'm not the kind of girl

who gives up just like that



Oh, no, oh



- Hey, whose shout is it?

- Cheryl's.



Cheryl's shout!



- Muriel!

- Where did she get the money?



Hi. What a coincidence.



You're a mental case!

You keep away from us!



You're got no dignity, Muriel.



- Are you Muriel Heslop?

- No.



- Yes, you are.

- Why?



I don't know why.

You just are.



Rhonda Epinstall.

We were in high school together.



You dropped out in year ten.

I dropped out in year eleven.



Ha! I knew it was you!



- Hey, swap seats?

- Yeah, indeed.



So, are you married now?



- What?

- Well, you said you

weren't Muriel Heslop.



If you changed your name,

I thought you must have got married.



No. Yes.



- I'm engaged.

- Anyone I know?



- What? Who? Tim.

- Who?

- What?



- Tim who?

- Simms.



Tim Simms.

Don't know him. What's he like?



- Um, like no one.

- Smoke?



- What?

- I shouldn't. I'm an asthmatic.



- So where is he?

- Who?



Tim Simms.



I'm on to you.



You're not wearing

an engagement ring.



You're here

without your fiance.



You're out for a good time,

aren't you, Muriel? A last fling?



I suppose so.



You are wicked! Well, stick

with me, 'cause I'm wicked too.



My whole life is one last fling

after another.



Hey, remember Tania Degano?

She got married, to Chook.



- To what?

- Chook. Peter Vernell.



Oh, I remember them. What a pair

of assholes. They deserve each other.



Whenever I think about

how revolting Porpoise Spit was...



I think about Tania Degano and those

idiots that she used to hang out with.



They made my life hell.



Do you ever dream about what you

would say to them if you saw them now?



I do see them now.

They're over there.



- What are they doing here?

- They're on Tania's honeymoon.



Chook couldn't come.



- No, l--

- Tania!



What a fantastic surprise.



I don't believe it.



I haven't seen you

since Porpoise Spit High.



- How are you?

- Married.



Muriel told me!



- Turkey.

- Chook.



Chook. That's right.

Well, congratulations!



- Come and have a drink with us.

- Yeah.



Really? You want

to have a drink with me?



Well, we can't let you spend

the entire holiday alone.



We're not in school

any more, Rhonda.



You don't have to feel

you're not good enough for us now.



- I don't.

- If I feel you've changed,

I'll tell you.



I'm honest,

unlike some people.



- I tell it like it is.

- The truth?



- Yes.

- I tell the truth too.



Nicole's having

an affair with Chook.



Muriel saw them fucking

in the laundry on your wedding day.



Stick your drink

up your ass, Tania.



I would rather swallow razor blades

than drink with you.



Oh, by the way, I'm not alone.

I'm with Muriel.



And now let's hear a warm welcome

for act five in the Hibiscus Island

star search.



- It's fabba ABBA!

- My, my



At Waterloo

Napoleon did surrender



Whoa, yeah



And I have met my destiny



In quite a similar way



The history book on the shelf



Is always repeating itself



Waterloo, I was defeated

You won the war



Waterloo, promise

to love you forevermore



Waterloo, couldn't escape

if I wanted to



Waterloo, knowing my fate

is to be with you






I'm finally facing my Waterloo



My, my

I tried to hold you back



But you were stronger



Oh, yeah

And now it seems



My only chance

is giving up the fight



And how could I ever refuse



I feel like I win when I lose



Waterloo, I was defeated

You won the war



Waterloo, promise

to love you forevermore



Waterloo, couldn't escape

if I wanted to



Waterloo, knowing my fate

is to be with you






I'm finally facing my Waterloo



So how could I ever refuse



I feel like I win when I lose



- Waterloo, couldn't escape

if I wanted to

- I'll kill you!



Waterloo, knowing my fate

is to be with you






I'm finally facing my Waterloo



Ooh-ooh-ooh, Waterloo



Knowing my fate

is to be with you



"Dear Dad, the girls and l

are having a great time.



Last night I sold a hundred dollars

worth of cosmetics...



to Barry Crocker. Muriel."



A hundred dollars worth to

Barry Crocker, eh? How about that.



P.S. I'm a fatso whale.



This cosmetic thing is the best thing

that ever happened to Muriel.



It really is.

She paid for this holiday herself.



Bought clothes to wear,

new suitcases.



Perry, you listening to this?




- I said, "yeah."

- Well, so you should, you useless lump.



Muriel's out there,

and she's made something of herself.



And she was the most useless one

of all, wasn't she, Bill?



Ah, she really impressed me.



I told her that on the way

to the airport for this holiday.



I said, "You've really impressed me.



You can't type,

but you've really impressed me."



You know what they call this great man?

Bill the Battler.



'Cause he's a little Aussie battler.



- Been battling all me life.

- Battlin' for Porpoise Spit.



Here's Deidre Chambers.

What a coincidence.



- Deidre! Hey, Deidre!

- Bill! Hello.



- What a coincidence.

- Take a seat. Penelope, shift over.



Deidre, Leo Higgins.



He's concreting Wallum Beach for us.



- Hello, Leo.

- Deidre got Muriel

into this cosmetics thing.



Perry, show Deidre Muriel's postcard.



Hibiscus Island. How about that?



She should really

be sending you postcards, Deidre.



You're the reason she's there.



- Bill.

- I told you. I'm thinking about it.



Not that. It's Muriel.



In the past two weeks,

she's bought two kits from me...



at a cost of $   each.



If she'd sold both kits

for the recommended price...



she'd make $   ...



leaving her a profit of   .



- Thirty dollars.

- What are you talkin' about?



She's on a $     holiday.



She's makin' a fortune.



Isn't she?



Do you think I could be famous?



Sure. For what?



Oh, I don't know.

I could be an actress.



I'm mental enough.



My, my



At Waterloo

Napoleon did surrender



Oh, yeah



There was something

in the air that night



The stars were bright






They were shining there

for you and me



For liberty, Fernando



Though we never thought

that we could lose



There's no regrets



If I had to do the same again



I would, my friend






If I had to do the same again



I would, my friend






Do you ever think you're nothing?



Sometimes I think I'm nothing.




You're not nothing, Muriel.

You're amazing.



Remember how you were

in school?



You were so quiet

you could hardly talk.



You were too shy

to look at people.



Now you're a success,

and someone wants to marry you.



You're not nothing, Muriel.



You've made it.



Can you hear the drums, Fernando



I remember long ago

another starry night like this



In the firelight, Fernando



You were humming to yourself

and softly strumming your guitar



I could hear the distant drums

and sounds of bugle calls



Were coming from afar



They were closer now, Fernando



Every hour, every minute

seemed to last eternally



I was so afraid, Fernando



We were young and full of life

and none of us prepared to die



And I'm not ashamed to say

the roar of guns and cannons



- Almost made me cry

- ...move it into the pillow.



The pillow forms a perfect

sleeping cradle for your head and back.



We all have a different shape

to the head and neck.



- By sleeping on a pillow that

fits perfectly with your shape...

- I'm back.



- you relieve stress on muscles--

- You're terrible, Muriel.



Muriel, Daddy's so angry.



He's on his way back from the bank.

He'll want to talk to you.



All our money's gone.

$     .



You didn't do anything bad with those

blank cheques I gave you, did you?



- You wouldn't do that to me, would you?

- Of course not.



- There was something

in the air that night

- Did you bring me a present?



The stars were bright, Fernando



They were shining there

for you and me



For liberty, Fernando



Though we never thought

that we could lose



There's no regret



- If I had to do the same again

- Where to, love?



I would, my friend, Fernando



If I had to do the same again



I would, my friend, Fernando



When the coach turns 'round

into Stableyard Grove...



we will, for the first time,

see a glimpse of the bride...



with her father,

the Earl Spencer...



and we'll see that wedding dress which

has been kept such a wonderful secret.



There we are.



And what a bride--



Quite a job, getting it.

All those yards of silk.



Ah, what a dream she looks.

What a dream she looks.



There's a bride any man

would be happy to see...



coming down the aisle

towards him.



The dress is made of yards

of ivory pure silk taffeta.



It has big sleeves with--



- Card number?

- Ninety-two. Brice Nobes.



- You take out a lot of videos.

- Do I?



You should join our video addicts club.

It's for people who take out

too many videos.



- Too many?

- Well, you know, a lot.



You get a dollar off

every new release.



Do you wanna go out with me?

You know, on a date.






It's okay. You can say it.

I don't mind.



- Videodrama.

- It's me.



I still can't find any blokes

for us tomorrow night.



Even Tony's busy,

and his leg's in a cast.



- I've got one.

- You're racing off a customer.



You have got the best job

for meeting men.



Turn him around.

I can't see his face.



- Can you look at that dry cleaners

over there, please?

- Sure.



- What do you think?

- It's great.



Well, it's a start.



Meet me for lunch.

I want to hear every detail.



- You are wicked.

- This is my new life.



I'm a new person.



I'm changing my name to Mariel.



- That is your name.

- No, Mariel. M-A-R-I-E-L.



- Muriel--

- Mariel.

- Mariel.



Are you on the run

from the law?



I don't care if you are.

I'd just like to know.



Well, you know Tim,

my ex-fiance?



He was a policeman.



You jilted a cop?



He's after you?



Well, he said if I ever left him,

he'd find out who I was living with

and shoot them.



Then he'd shoot me,

then himself.



Shit. He really

loved you, didn't he?






- Rhonda's changed my life.

- She would.



- Do you-- Do you wanna go

somewhere else?

- What?



- Do you wanna go somewhere else?

- Oh, Rhonda wants to stay here.



I'm going.

I've got a date.



They're American.

Have fun.



Don't do anything I wouldn't do.



Hi, guys!

I'm really excited.



Do you wanna dance?



I-I'm a terrible dancer.



I don't care.



Nice flat. Very spacious.



- Cup of tea?

- Sure.



Come here. Come here. Here.

Right there. Right there.



You've been a bad boy! Yes!



What a guy!



- Bikkies?

- What? Sure.



- Jump over the bed! Jump over it!

- Wait. Where is the bed?



You get up here.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.



- Oh, yes, sir.

- Oh, that's rude!



- Ta.

- Oh, you wanna go faster.



- Yeah, baby.

- Oh, push!



Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.



Oh, push.



That's right. Faster.



In tonight's news, holiday makers

and staff airlifted to safety...



as Cyclone Terry devastates

the Hibiscus Island resort.



Buildings and vegetation

were flattened in minutes...



by winds of more than

    kilometres per hour.



- Rhonda and I went to that island.

- And the government inquiry...



- Looks like fun.

- into corruption continued today...



with president of the Porpoise Spit

council, Bill Heslop...



- admitting that he received

secret payments...

- Tim Tam?



- Maybe after-- Later.

- from a Japanese land developer.



Councillor Heslop said

his judgment had been impaired...



by the shock disappearance

of his daughter.



- He made this emotional plea

outside the inquiry.

- Mariel?



- Muriel?

- Mariel.



- Muriel...

- What?



if you're watching this, we just

want to know you're all right, love.



We don't care about the money.

The money doesn't matter.



We just want to know

you're all right--



I have to tell you something.

I'm a parking inspector.



That's okay.



- What did you do to her?

- Nothing.



- Where do you think you're going?

Come back.

- Ma'am. Hey, lady, are you all right?



- Shit.

- On the ground.



- Did he-- What did he do to you?

- I didn't do anything!



- Just shut up!

- What did he do?



- Keep him down there!

- What are you doing?



Are you all right?

Are you all right?



Get the cops.

Call the cops!



- Keep him down!

- I didn't do anything!




I can't move my legs.



...crept back into his kennel

early this morning.



At this stage, no questions are being

asked about his mystery escapade.



Well, just keep an eye on him.

The doctor will see him. Okay?



- Hello?

- It's me. Muriel.



- You're terrible, Muriel.

- Why is Dad on TV?



The inquiry. They're saying

he takes bribes.



- Does he?

- Yeah, but he had to

'cause you stole all our money.



- Was that the telephone ringing?

- Dad's moved out.



He says it's all Mum's fault

'cause she gave you the cheques.



He's living in a hotel.



- Who is it? Is it Dad?

- Muriel.



Muriel. Oh.



Mum wants to talk to you.



Muriel, are you all right?



We didn't know what had happened to you.

We thought you'd become a prostitute

or a drug addict.



I'm in Sydney.



Dad's in Sydney for the inquiry.



He'd love to see you.

Where are you staying?



He just wants to know

you're all right.



- Joan said he's moved out.

- No.



Well, w-well, yes,

but only for his health.



Dr Farrell says

he needs a holiday from us.



I know he blames me

for you taking the money...



but I never thought

you'd do a thing like that.



Maybe it was a mistake

at the bank...



or I wrote the wrong figure

on the cheque.



No, I took it.



Yes, maybe you did.



Mum, the federal police are here.



Oh, I have to go.

We're being raided again.



- What's your phone number?

- Uh, I don't have a phone.



- Well, what's your address?

- Look, I'll call you later.



- Well, ring Dad. He's at the Hilton.

- Mrs Heslop, we wanna ask you

some questions about Bill.



And don't lie to us.

We know everything.



This tumour is pressing

on the spinal cord...



interrupting the flow

of electricity to your legs.



The operation will remove

that pressure.



I'd, uh, like to do it soon,

in the next    hours.



How did I get it?



I mean, it's nothing to do

with too much sex, is it?



No, no. Nothing like that.



- We don't know what causes cancer.

- Cancer?

- Cancer?



You never said anything about cancer.



-That's what the tumour is. It's a can--

-I've got cancer!



Oh, God! I'm gonna go bald

and have to eat macrobiotic food!



We're not talking about radiotherapy.

This is a discreet tumour.



Alone. Isolated. The operation's

all we need for the moment.



- For the moment?

- There's a minor risk of damage

to the spinal cord.



- What does that mean?

- It means I'm up shit creek,

that's what it means.



Silk chantel.






When's your big day?



Your wedding day?



- September.

- Spring. lvory.



- What's your fiance's name?

- Bill.



Well, Bill's

in for a big surprise.



- Will your mother be coming

to see the dress?

- No.



No, she can't.

She's in hospital.



She's got a tumour in her spine.



She has to have an operation.



We don't usually do this.



But your mother has to see

how beautiful you look in that dress.



Doing well.

Isn't she doing well, Mariel?



- You're doing really well.

- Now this foot forward.



You can do it. Good.



Now the other one.



Good. That's good.






- I have to sit down.

- Come on.



- I have to sit down!

- All right. I've got you.



Don't panic. Swing around.



That's it. Hand back.



Take a break, honey.



You're doing really well.



How can you stand this?



You push me around in this chair.

You cook for me.



You even help me dress.

I hate it!



When I lived in Porpoise Spit,

I'd just stay in my room for hours...



and listen to ABBA songs.



Sometimes I'd stay in there

all day.



But since I've met you

and moved to Sydney...



I haven't listened

to one ABBA song.



It's because now my life's

as good as an ABBA song.



It's as good as "Dancing Queen."



Come off it.



Promise me something.



- We never go back there.

- What do you mean?



I mean, I can't go back

and live in Porpoise Spit with Mum.



- Not in a wheelchair, not with her.

- You're gonna walk.



Promise we never go back.



I promise.



But you're gonna walk.



I believe

there's something out there.



- Yeah. I'm-I'm not a sceptic about it.

- I've been cheated by you



- Since I don't know when

- Too many people have seen it.

There's been too much documentation.



So I made up my mind



- It must come to an end

- Taxi for the rehabilitation centre?



- Hang on. I have to get my smokes.

- Look at me now

- Okay.



Will I ever learn

I don't know how



But I suddenly lose control



There's a fire within my soul



Just one look

and I can hear a bell ring



One more look

and I forget everything



Oh-oh-oh, Mamma mia

Here I go again



My, my, how can I resist you



Mamma mia, does it show again



My, my, just how much

I've missed you



Yes, I've been broken-hearted



Blue since the day we parted



Why, why did I ever let you go



Mamma Mia, now I really know



My, my, I could never let you go



I've been angry and sad

about things that you do



I can't count all the times

that I've told you we're through



- And when you go

When you slam the door

- Keep going.



I think you know

that you won't be away too long



You know that I'm not that strong



- Just one look and I can hear--

- Stop the car!






I hope the photos help your sister

out of that coma.



- Mariel! What are you doing?

- No-Nothing.



Why didn't you tell me

you were gonna marry Tim?



- Who?

- Tim Simms, your fiance--

the one who wants to shoot you.



Now, now, now, now just a minute. You

can't come in here and threaten brides.



- I don't care how unfortunate you are.

- Fuck off.



What is going on, Mariel?



I've seen your wedding album.

You've tried on every dress in Sydney.



- That doesn't mean I'm getting married.

- What else does it mean?



I wanna get married.

I've always wanted to get married.



If I can get married, it means

I've changed-- I'm a new person.



- How?

- Because who would want to marry me?



- Tim Simms.

- There is no Tim Simms. I made him up.



In Porpoise Spit,

no one would even look at me.



But when I came to Sydney

and became Mariel, Brice asked me out.



And that proves

I'm already different than I was...



and if someone wants to marry me,

I'm not her any more.



- I'm me.

- Her?



Muriel! Muriel Heslop!



Stupid, fat and useless!

I hate her!



I'm not going back

to being her again!



Why can't it be me?



Why can't I be the one?



Have you been in a coma?









If they have a copy of this document,

then the option is...



giving you a doctor's certificate

saying you are unfit to testify.



Can I have that title deed, Paul?

That's the one.



We can only assume that Victor Keinosuke

has given them a copy of this deed.



Muriel, why'd you do it to me?



I gave you money. I got you jobs.



I put her through

this secretarial course.



$     for two years, it cost me.



Comes out, she can't even type.



I get her into selling cosmetics.

We all think she's making a go of it.



Turns out she's robbin' us blind.

You're a disgrace, an absolute disgrace!



A-Are you Bill the Battler?



I saw you on TV.

Can I please have your autograph?



Me and my dad think

that you're not guilty, Bill.



I've changed my name to Mariel.



Good on you, son.

You spread it around.



You can't stop progress!



You're comin' back to Porpoise Spit

with me.



We'll leave in three weeks,

once this inquiry crap's over.



- I can't go back. I'm a new person.

- You're a thief.



The only reason

I never got the coppers onto you

is your mother begged me not to.



I want that money back.

I'll get you a job at the Leagues Club.



I'll arrange a bank loan for you.



You're going to make up

for what you've done, Muriel.



It's Deidre Chambers.

Deidre! Deidre!



Hey, Deidre!






What a coincidence!

What are you doing in Sydney?



Well, my sister lives in Sydney.

I'm down for the long weekend.



- Pull up a chair.

- What a coincidence!

- My barrister, Graham Newman.



- His two solicitors,

and Muriel you know about.

- Hello.



It's Mariel!



We should get back, Bill. Victor

Keinosuke's testimony starts at  :  .



That Jap bastard! He's gonna testify

that I took bribes from him.



- Commissions.

- Commissions. I took commissions.



Cut through all that red tape for him.

I deserve some sort of acknowledgement.



They'd never have got to build

that resort on Crown Land without me.



- It was the Crown Land that did it.

- Total overreaction.



- There were aboriginals living on it.

- The federal police raided the house.



Your mother just let them walk in.



She and Perry made statements--

told them I had money problems.



- Don't think about it.

- Of course I had money problems.



- She stole most of it.

- You need your family around you.



If the Feds come near you,

don't you say a word.



- Are you and Deidre together?

- What?



Have you left Mum for Deidre?



Yes. We're in love.



What about Mum?



What happiness has your father had

in his life if he doesn't have me?



- What about Mum?

- She'll have you.



You got three weeks.



It's come back-- the tumour.



I have to have another operation.



I'm not gonna walk.



But what about

your rehabilitation?



They're gonna cut

my spinal cord, Mariel.



Mum called.



She wants to take me back

to Porpoise Spit.



I told her I was gonna

stay here with you.



Head down! Head down!

Come on! Come on! Swing it!



Blokes with no legs and no arms

cut through the water faster than that!



Look at that! You're going through there

like a constipated duck!



Look at 'em flopping around

all over the place!



Burchett, what do you think this is,

synchronized swimming?



Water aerobics for geriatrics?

You're supposed to be a sprinter!



Go! Go! Go! Go!






Ken Blundell. How are ya?



Van Arkle!



I think we found you a girl.



David Van Arkle, Mariel Heslop.



Mariel, you've probably seen the news

about the civil war in South Africa.



Well, just as the South Africans

seem to be doing the right thing

by the blacks...



the police open fire on a black soccer

club, and that is bad news for David.



- Are you black?

- What?



I don't know why I said that.



Well, well, it is funny, in a way.



But let's be honest. The South Africans

were never much chop in the pool anyway.



David here

is a bit of a freak, really.



And I think that he is gonna get

the gold medal...



for the      metres

in the next Olympic Games.



Mariel, how did you feel

when Kieren Perkins...



took gold for Australia

at Barcelona?



- Who?

- Kieren Perkins.



- He's an Australian champion.

- Now, David's family...



are willing to do anything to see him

fulfil his potential as a champion...



even if it means swimming

for another country.



And they're willing to pay

$     ...



to the girl that'll help Dave out.



Are you from Sydney originally?



What? No, Porpoise Spit.



A-And why did you leave there?



Well, because of all the mental things

that happened to me.



I got shallow, and my physical being

could have been improved...



and as well as my mentality.



- What about the black-haired one?

- No, she was Turkish.



She's only been in the country

five minutes.



Now, whoever marries David

will have to...



tell the immigration authorities

that they're in love with him.



Now there'll be media attention...



so they'll have to live with David

in his flat...



for at least four months

after the marriage.



I've worked out all the details

of the romance...



which you and David

will have to stick to.



But the most important thing

is to convince people...



that you two are really in love.



- What about the blonde?

- You didn't like her.



- I'm not so sure now.

- Now, I think Mariel might be...



just what we're looking for.



Well, it's up to you now, love.

Would you find it difficult to lie?



I could try.



Well, don't rush your decision...



but if you could let us know

by tomorrow morning.



You can dance, you can jive



Having the time of your life



Ooh, see that girl

Watch that scene



Diggin' the dancing queen



I know you couldn't have got up onto

the altar, but at least she could have

asked you to be bridesmaid.



- She did.

- Why didn't you say yes?



You could have been on television.



I don't want to sit up here, Mum.



- I wanna sit in the corner.

- No one'll see you over there.



Well, if this is your attitude,

I don't know why you bothered coming.



At least you won't

be in anyone's way.






Is that you?



- You're the bridesmaids?

- Isn't it fantastic?



- We always knew MarieI'd come good.

- She's in all the papers.



- What happened to you?

- I had cancer.



It's all right. They cut it out.

I won't walk again though.



- You were so full of life.

- I'm not dead, Cheryl.



Come on. We better get ready.

Mariel's coming.



You must be so happy for her.



God, she has cancer!



I'm divorcing Chook.



I suppose I have you

to thank for that.



I hope I can do the same

for you one day.



You told me it would be

a quick civil ceremony.



Ah, it's good she wanted

a church wedding. It's romantic.



It looks like you mean it.



All the guests are on her side.

I should have hired you some friends.



The charges don't surprise me.



The bastards have been out to get me

from the beginnin'.



I just wanted you to know--



Mariel, are you marrying David

for money?



Is this a marriage

of convenience, Mariel?



Mariel, how long have you and David--



Your Mum's arriving in Sydney by bus

because I can't afford a plane ticket.



- You see what you've done to me?

- Where is she now?



I don't know.

Trying to get a taxi, I suppose.






You're beautiful.



Love me or leave me



Make your choice, but believe me



I love you



I do, I do, I do, I do, I do



I can't conceal it



Don't you see

Can't you feel it



Don't you too



I do, I do, I do, I do, I do



Oh, I've been dreaming



Through my lonely past



Now I just made it



I've found you at last



So come on now

Let's try it



I love you, you can't deny it



- 'Cause it's true

- Oh, God.



- Don't panic. Think of the games.

- I do, I do, I do, I do, I do



She's all yours, mate.



Father, when You created mankind, You

willed that man and wife should be one.



- Join David and Muriel--

- Mariel.



Mariel in the loving union

of marriage...



so that they may be living witness

to Your divine love in the world.



David, do you take Mariel

to be your wife?



Do you promise to be true to her

in good times and in bad...



in sickness and in health-- to love and

honour her all the days of your life?



Uh, yeah. Okay.

All right. Why not? I do.



Mariel, do you take David

to be your husband?



Do you promise to be true to him

in good times and in bad...



in sickness and in health-- to love and

honour him all the days of your life?



I do.



You have declared your consent

before the Church.



May the Lord strengthen that consent

and fill you with His blessings.



What God has joined,

men must not divide.



Mariel, take this ring

as a sign of my, uh--



- Love and fidelity.

- Love and fidelity.



- In the name of the Father--

- In the name of the Father,

Son and the Holy Spirit.



David, I take this ring

as a sign of your love and fidelity...



in the name of the Father and of the Son

and of the Holy Spirit.



I now pronounce you man and wife.






You may kiss your bride.



Congratulations! Oh, David!



Good on you.



- Mr Heslop.

- It's Bill.



Mrs Heslop.



- Thanks.

- Mariel, congratulations.



- Thank you.

- You look lovely. Have every success.



Well done, love.



Good on you.



- How do you feel?

- He's fighting fit.



The next gold you'll see

on this hand will be the gold medal

for the      metres!



- You reckon?

- Oh, yes.



Mariel and us

have been friends for years.

We went to Hibiscus Island together.



- We're like sisters.

- She's my best friend.



- I-I tell her everything.

- Mariel! Oh, you look beautiful!



Oh, isn't she beautiful?



She is wearing the make-up,

isn't she?






- I was tryin' to hide from you.

- I saw your wheels.



- I didn't think you'd come.

- I had to see it for myself.



Just the bridesmaids were worth it.



I didn't call them.

They came crawling back to me.



The way they picked on me

in Porpoise Spit...



saying I wouldn't amount to anything--



And here I am, famous,

and they're at my wedding.



- I showed them.

- Showed them what?



I'm as good as they are.



I have to go.

Good luck with what's his name.



Where are you going?



Where do you think?

Back to Porpoise Spit with Mum.



- We're catching the bus out tonight.

- I don't want you to.



Well, you should have thought of that

before you gave up on me.



I couldn't pay all the rent without you.

I couldn't even do the shopping.



I needed help.

I needed a friend.



I mean, I don't want you

to go back by bus.



I bought you two plane tickets.



Go to hell.



I already gave 'em to your mum.



You're right.

You are a new person, and you stink.



Mariel Van Arkle stinks!



And she's not half the person

Muriel Heslop was.



Rhonda, your mum just told us

you're moving back to Porpoise Spit.



- lt'll be just like old times.

- Don't worry about Rhonda, Mrs E.



We'll push her around.



- Are you rich?

- My parents own it.



- They didn't come to the wedding.

- No.



They paid for it.



They're in Johannesburg.

Kitchen, lounge room, gym.



You can use everything

but the weights.



Bathroom, my room.



Your room.



I'm going downstairs

for a swim.



It wasn't just the money, was it?



What kind of person

marries someone they don't know?



You did.



I want to win.

All my life I've wanted to win.



Me too.



$  .  . $  .  .



Ninety-nine cents.



Ninety, one hundred.



Thanks, Mrs Heslop.

Have a nice day.



You can see she's not right

in the head.



- Look, I'll see what I can do, Bill.

- You're a mate. I won't forget it.



I'll be in touch.



I meant to pay.



I need help--

around the house, and--



 :   news update.



Not comin' back.

I want a divorce.



I'm marrying Deidre.



You know what they say?



They say that I wasn't elected

to the state government that time...



because my family

wasn't up to scratch.



That's what they say.

Look at this place!



I never had a bloody chance!



Get out!

Get out and find yourself a job!



Get out, you layabout,

and stop embarrassing your father!



- You're an embarrassment!

- You're the embarrassment!



You mad bitch!



Oh, no.



Mariel Van Arkle speaking.



- Hello?

- Muriel?



- Mariel.

- Mum's died.



- What?

- We're all at the hospital.



Dad says you have to come home.






The funeral's tomorrow.

Are you coming?



Russell's gonna be there.



Yeah. I invited him.

He says he's gonna bring Alan.






- Hi.

- Mariel?



Is that you?



Not sure.



It was a heart attack.



Joanie found her.



She was lying on the bed,

looking peaceful.



She didn't suffer.



She made the ultimate sacrifice

for your father.



Judge will be lenient on him now.

He's got kids to support.



She'd be glad, in the end,

her life amounted to something.



Deidre, I finished up

in the bathroom.



You were right

about those cupboards.



Let's start on the laundry then.



It's a big job.



- What happened?

- Mum burnt it.






Because she got sick and tired

of waiting for Perry to mow it.






What am I gonna do without her?



Her photo album.



She took pills-- sleeping pills.



They were next to her

when I found her.



And when Dr Farrell come,

they were gone.



And when I asked

what happened to 'em...



Dad said he didn't want anyone

to know.



Dr Farrell said

Dad had been through enough.



I don't know. Maybe he has.



The Lord is good to me



His word my hope






He will my shield



And portion be



As long as life






I have a telefax to read.



Keep your eye

on them journalist bastards.



"To Bill Heslop and Family...



Hazel and I were sorry

to hear of the passing of Betty.



We are thinking of you

in your time of sorrow."



Signed, the honourable Bob Hawke...



former prime minister

of Australia.



- What are they doin'?

- They're, they're writin' it down.



I'll bet they are. Put that

in your papers, you mongrel bastards.



I've still got friends.



How many families get telegrams

from former prime ministers...



when somebody dies?



I'm not forgotten.



Betty Heslop lived

for her family.



She was very happy about

her daughter Mariel's marriage...



and attending the wedding

in Sydney...



was one of the highlights

of her life.



Her life, during her last days

on earth...



made me think of--






I'm sorry.



I thought I was so different--



a new person.



But I'm not.



I'm just the same as him.






On The Beach Motel.






I can't stay married to you, David.



I've got to stop lying now.



I tell so many lies.



One day I won't know

I'm doing it.



I don't love you.



I-I don't love you either,

but, uh--



I don't know. I-I think I could like

having you around.



I'll give you the money back.



It's yours.



Good luck in the games.



You too.



I don't understand it.



Why'd she burn the back yard?



We've got to stick together.



You've got to help me

with the kids.



What about Deidre?



She'll lend a hand.

I don't think she's keen to marry me...



now that livin' with the kids

has come into it.



Someone's got to look after them.



And it has to be you, Dad.



You owe me, Muriel.



Now, this isn't all of it...



but I'll pay the rest off

when I get back to Sydney and get a job.



So you're not gonna help me out.

Is that it?



You owe us, Dad.

We're not useless.



We never were.

Now you're looking after the kids...



and you're gonna tell them

they're not useless.



How about that telegram

from Bob Hawke?



How'd you get that?



I phoned his office.



I was nearly

in the state government.



Fourteen votes I needed.



Nobody knew who'd won for three days

till the postal vote came in.



For three days,

I was almost there.



Couldn't win a chook raffle now.



Resigned from the council.



I'm unemployed.

Got to go on the dole.



Imagine the faces

when I walk into that dole office.



You reap what you sow.



You'd think I'd have learned that

growin' up on a farm.



You reap what you sow.



Dad, the cricket's started.



Hi, Joan.



- Muriel's goin' back to Sydney.

- Are ya?



I thought you were stayin' here

with us.



Keep in touch.



Bye, Dad.



Do you want me to open you

a can of beer?



That would be lovely, Joanie.

With you in a sec.



I'm giving it another chance

with Chook--



as soon as he gets out

of the correction centre.



They've accused him of raping

a Japanese tourist, which is ridiculous!



Chook hates the Japanese.



We better fly.

We're meeting Rose Biggs for lunch.



Rose Biggs?

Are you friends with her?



Once we got to know her,

we found out she was just like us.



But Rose Biggs sucked

your husband's cock.



- Rhonda!

- Oh, she did.

- I know.



But w--



I sucked her husband's cock,

and it made me realize...



we all make mistakes.






- Mariel.

- Muriel.



What a surprise!



Rhonda, Mariel--

Muriel's come to visit you.



Actually, I've come to ask Rhonda

if she wants to come back to Sydney.



I've got a taxi outside

and two plane tickets, if you want to.



- What about your husband?

- We broke up.



I knew it wouldn't last.



What makes you think

I'd go anywhere with you?



Because I'm your friend.



Muriel, you can't come bargin' in here

without warning...



trying to turn Rhonda

against the people who love her--



against the people who were there

for her when she needed them.



Yes, she can.



Sorry, Mum. You know I love you,

but you drive me crazy.



And you three--

what a bunch of cocksuckers.



Who do you think you are

to call me that?



I'm married. I'm beautiful!



You can dance



You can jive



Having the time of your life



Ooh, see that girl



- Watch that scene

- See you, Mum.



Diggin' the dancing queen



Friday night

and the lights are low



Looking out for a place to go



Mmm, where they play

the right music



Getting in the swing

you come to look for a king



- Bye, street.

- Anybody could be that guy



- Bye, mall!

- Night is young and the music's



- Goodbye, beach!

- High



- Goodbye, tourists!

- With a bit of rock music



- Bye, plaza!

- Everything is fine



- Goodbye, Surf Club!

- You're in the mood for a dance



See you, surfies!



- See ya, high rises!

- And when you get the chance



Bye, Fun World!



- Goodbye, Porpoise Spit!

- You are the dancing queen



Young and sweet, only   



Dancing queen



Feel the beat from the tambourine



Oh, yeah



You can dance



You can jive



Having the time of your life



Ooh, see that girl, watch that scene



Diggin' the dancing queen



You're a teaser

You turn 'em on



Leave 'em burning

and then you're gone



Looking out for another

Anyone will do



You're in the mood for a dance



And when you get the chance



You are the dancing queen



Young and sweet, only   



Dancing queen



Feel the beat from the tambourine



Oh, yeah



You can dance



You can jive



Having the time of your life



Ooh, see that girl, watch that scene



Diggin' the dancing queen



Diggin' the dancing queen



Can you hear the drums, Fernando



I remember long ago

another starry night like this



In the firelight, Fernando



You were humming to yourself

and softly strumming your guitar



I could hear the distant drums

and sounds of bugle calls



Were coming from afar



They were closer now, Fernando



Every hour, every minute

seemed to last eternally



I was so afraid, Fernando



We were young and full of life

and none of us prepared to die



And I'm not ashamed to say

the roar of guns and cannons



Almost made me cry



There was something in the air

that night



The stars were bright, Fernando



They were shining there

for you and me



For liberty, Fernando



Though we never thought

that we could lose



There's no regret



If I had to do the same again



I would, my friend, Fernando



If I had to do the same again



I would, my friend, Fernando


Special help by SergeiK