Voila! Finally, the My First Mister
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Albert Brooks and
Leelee Sobieski movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of My First Mister. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Red rain.
Death touched her lips
as she kissed her lover good-bye.
She tried not to touch his skin...
knowing the coldness
would chill her.
As it was...
she still hadn't cried...
nor had she decided
who was in the better position.
The end.
I wrote that.
I'm a fucking poet.
When I'm not writing poems...
I'm writing eulogies.
Mine.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Take it easy, fellas.
- My mother...
a shirley partridge wanna-be...
would like for me
to go to dental school.
I can't imagine spending every day
dealing with other people's spit.
Somehow, I just don't think
I'm the type.
I think it's just horrible...
the amount of confusion
and angst...
that we teenage girls have to endure
regarding our apparel.
I mean, it takes a lot of time
to mix and match.
I think every girl
should be provided...
I'm sitting in writing class,
surrounded by alien creatures...
with pretentious names
like ashley...
cody.
I'm not really into people.
Anyway, I think that if everyone
just drove the same car...
that it would put an end...
to envy and jealousy...
and carjackings.
All right, ash.
Thank you.
Okay, ashley.
Thank you.
Let's see who's next.
Jennifer wilson.
My parents named me
jennifer anne wilson.
My middle name
is because someone is dead.
I don't really have a passion
for the name jennifer...
so I refer to myself as j.
I don't think of myself
as a teenage girl or a woman.
I'm just the opposite of a boy.
J, your bio was cool.
It moved me.
You look like those cool vjs
they get off the street on mtv.
You totally rock.
If I brought you home,
my mom might hemorrhage.
Do you wanna maybe
go have sushi?
I'm a lesbian.
I'm okay with that.
Once, when I was
i thought I was a lesbian.
The question of my generation:
To dive...
or not to dive.
But this one day,
my mom took me to her gym.
She stuck me in the steam room
with a bunch of women...
posing as elephants.
Cured me of doubt.
Now I masturbate to a picture
of freddie prinze, jr...
and I'm quite certain
of my sexual preference.
I'm cooking a brisket
for dinner tonight.
A woman needs to eat blood
every now and again.
She just really does.
Oh, no, it's my musicals.
When I have a brand-new hairdo
with my eyelashes
all in curls
i think my mother
was deeply affected by the divorce.
I enjoy being a girl
when men say I'm cute
and funny
and my teeth aren't teeth
but pearls
i just lap it up like honey
i enjoy being a girl
stop that.
Dad, the sperm that bore me,
cheated on mom.
Blah, blah, blah.
Mom remarried.
I think his name is bob.
Hi, jennifer.
Surprise!
Surprise, jen!
- Cosmopolitan.
- Tomorrow's our big day.
Brisket in half an hour.
Jen, it's best when it's hot.
Baby?
Baby!
Brisket's ready!
Time to celebrate
your graduation, honey.
- Brisket's all ready.
- Vintage tvrocks.
What I wouldn't give to live
with the partridge family.
I think shirley
would really get me.
I like chocolate.
- It's dark and warm.
- Come here, baby.
Like what I imagine
a hug would be like.
- Doesn't sound friendly to me.
- Wanna look like a dope, go ahead.
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! Yeah!
I'll meet you at the table.
She's coming.
Takes her a while, that's all.
Takes her a while.
Employment...
sucks.
But I just need enough cash
to get my own place.
I need help, someone.
Hello!
Oh, thank god!
I got these pants caught
on my earring. Bad pain.
Bad pain.
All right.
Do you have one?
No, not there.
You should get one.
It makes sex amazing.
You have one here?
No, not there either.
You don't know
what you're missing.
Well, I'm not the one
with a pair of dead man's pants...
hanging from my labia.
"It makes sex amazing. Ow!"
Maybe I should get
some more piercings.
I'm not busy.
What is sex anyway?
If memory serves...
technically
I'm still a virgin.
There was this one day
in third grade...
when matthew kingsley came over
and we played doctor.
He confused my vagina
with my anus...
and took my temperature
with a fire-engine red crayon.
From then on,
whenever I'd hear a siren...
I'd giggle.
I never had a boyfriend.
I don't know what I'd do
with one if I did.
Guys like calvin klein
g-string ad girls.
I wear boxers.
I once had an orgasm, though.
With myself.
I think.
I'm gonna go to hell anyway.
J! Yo, j!
Eulogy number .
She was loved by no one.
She chose indifference
as her state of mind.
She leaves behind
not even a memory...
because...
she never existed.
That was a cheery one.
Hiya, rudy.
Mabel.
Hey, dorothy.
Irene.
Good news and bad news.
Good news:
I didn't get caught
for stealing.
Bad news:
I got fired for farting.
So I decided to go
where the real money is...
the century city mall.
Damn.
Jack!
Need a hand?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
I was wondering...
there's a sign in the window.
You need some help in your store?
Fuck you.
Asshole with a beer belly.
What did you say?
You think this is a beer belly?
Yeah.
This is not a beer belly.
- Oh, no?
- No.
Wanna see a beer belly?
That's a beer belly.
Thank you, mister.
I feel just truly enlightened.
Let me profusely apologize for my
little crude, naive observation.
All right, great.
Now, scram. Go. Shoo.
Go get pierced
or whatever you do.
Get out. Hey, why don't you
get your eyeballs pierced?
What are you doing?
Reviewing my options.
You've got options?
What is it you can do?
Anything.
Okay.
Why don't you go home now...
take the silverware
out of your face...
come back in, say, a week,
look like a person...
then we'll talk.
But you really do
have to go now because...
you're scaring the customers.
Boo.
Honey, we're having leftovers.
Let me guess. Brisket.
Baby, I could cook up
something else for you.
How about a vegetable souffle?
How would that be?
Please come to the table.
We could light those kind
of candles that you like.
Inspiration. Jen?
Listen, I know that you've been
trying really hard to find a job...
but I was thinking maybe...
maybe we could talk about college
one more time.
Ode to my facejewelry metal.
Shiny, sharp.
Good pain I inflicted myself.
Jennifer, I can relate to
what you're going through.
Honey?
Adorning my face
where the smile used to be...
once as a baby,
when pain had no definition...
now grown and alone...
my jewelry off...
naked again...
identity gone.
I had a dream last night...
that I had earrings
all over my face.
I thought that this
looked really cool.
And then my maybe-boss
made a suggestion.
Maybe you should
pierce your ears.
Then I tell him...
that is so sick.
I'm keeping this one.
Fuck 'em.
I think bruce would just
love the way this feels.
It's so soft,
yet still masculine.
I don't really know bruce...
but if he'd like to come in
and feel it for himself...
I'm happy to hold it for him.
What a dick.
She'd do him right here
in the daylight.
Take a look at this.
These are percent off.
Excuse me a moment.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You look better...
but in this store,
we like to stand up.
Come on.
Come up.
Follow me, quickly.
So what does
your mother call you?
Jen, jennifer, jennikins,
lamb of my loins.
All right.
I'll just call you j.
This is jack...
one of our best salesmen.
This is j, possibly
our new stockroom girl.
"Jay" as in the bird?
Yes, jack, as in the box?
He's actually not bad-looking...
for an older, overweight...
undesirably aged male.
He has kind of a big butt
for a guy.
This is a wall of shirts.
Everything in this store
is color-coded.
Button-down shirts, red;
tab collar, blue;
french cut, green.
This is very important.
The boy who worked here last,
he didn't understand.
The reason we do this
is that everything arrives...
in these boxes.
You immediately open it.
A lot of times what the boxes say
is not what's in the box.
You open it up, see the tab,
you know where it goes...
and you're done.
It's color-coding.
It's important.
Color-coding saves time.
Are you listening to me?
The ins and outs
of being an idiot.
Yes, I've worked
the stockroom before, sir.
Sir?
My master.
Randall.
Can I call you r?
Sure.
If you have any questions,
I'll be out front.
One question.
Do I get the job?
Well, we're trying it out.
What is your cat's name?
Black.
Of course.
He touched my tit.
I ran into betty lewis
over at the rite aid today.
Honey.
And I have to tell you...
i liked it so much better
when it was thrifty's.
They've rearranged the whole place
in the most... excuse me, honey...
inappropriate manner.
Actually,
i have been thinking...
of speaking to the management
about it.
What do you think, bob?
About what?
Honey, at the rite aid.
Please, bob, the situation.
Grandma's here.
Please.
Bob, please.
Jenny, that's not funny.
Your grandma's dead.
She's allowed to visit.
I don't want this.
I do not want this.
I don't like it, bob.
I really don't like it.
- Please.
- Honey.
What's the matter with you?
You know how sensitive your mother
is about your grandmother.
Why would you do
something like that?
One last time,
the sweaters are four steps...
each arm first.
By the way,
the shirts are nine steps...
but we'll get to that after you're
comfortable with the sweaters.
Fold the body in and up...
and it's folded.
- You're beyond anal.
- It's important to be organized.
Number one on my list.
Number one on my list
is "don't mock me."
Number two on my list is "remember
to stay back here, please."
There's a man who really
knows how to live.
That is a man set in his ways.
Please don't make him
this semester's science project.
Get in the back
before he sees you.
Can I help you with anything?
Is there something
i can help you with?
No, just looking.
That's the finest material
in the store.
I'm not a mugger.
I work here.
Why else would I be
in this nice clothing store?
Oh, your eyes are that blue.
Oh, my god,
there's this suit here...
that has this slight blue tinge
running through it.
It would be totally groovy
with your eyes.
- Groovy?
- Groovy's back.
Check it out, man.
- What do you think?
- Very nice.
You have the yellow shirt
and you have the tie.
It's nice.
- Oh, my god. Funky stuff.
- It is nice.
Next time, ask first.
Yes, sir.
If you're not gonna stay in the
back, which clearly you're not...
it's clean and spick-and-span.
There's nothing more I can do, sir.
You may think you know how to do
this, but for every suit you sell...
you're gonna send customers
running out of this store screaming.
If you wanna sell,
you have to look the part.
Dress me.
The last time I had
this much weird fun...
was with
the fire-engine red crayon.
I look like a republican.
You're no republican.
Thanks for being so cooperative.
Thank you very much
for the clothes.
- I'll pay you back.
- I'm not worried about it.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Thank you.
Are you all right?
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Need a ride home?
Sure.
You don't have a car?
It didn't start this morning.
Are you thirsty?
No, not really.
You bought me clothes.
I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
It's all right.
Come on. We can talk about
my big promotion, boss man.
Actually, it's almost : .
: . so?
Well, I'm usually home by : .
What happens at : ?
I turn into the same person I am.
Go ahead.
Excuse me.
This is your hang, huh?
Yeah.
Never would have guessed.
You should get a spider coffee
with whipped cream.
It's really good.
Hey, j, what's up?
- What'll it be?
- Can we get two number sevens?
Actually, you know what?
I just want a sanka.
Sanka?
Anything decaffeinated.
Okay.
Aren't you looking backwards?
Life looks better that way.
So are your parents divorced?
Very fuckin' divorced.
Any brothers or sisters?
Just my cat.
You have a copy of the bell jar
by your bed?
Yeah.
Earlier tonight when I was taking
the trash out in the back...
i lifted the lid
of the dumpster...
and I get hit in the head
with this paper airplane.
I read it. I'm sorry. I didn't
know it wasn't meant for me.
Is this a suicide note?
Yeah.
Don't worry, boss man.
It's not for now.
The sopranos are on hiatus.
I wanna see if they kill each other.
That's good to know.
Otherwise I would keep you on
at the store on a temporary basis.
That's funny.
You should do that more often.
Do what more often?
Joke around?
I don't think so.
People might get
the wrong idea.
What, that you're happy?
What's that anyway?
I'm not the one to ask.
You know what I think?
I think happy
is fucking overrated.
I mean, my mom's always happy.
She's got this stupid smile
on her face...
and she's singing,
and it's just disgusting.
Apparently you don't think
your mother is really happy.
Would you be,
having me as your only child?
That's a good point.
I have to tell you. I don't think
this is the least bit attractive.
And I think that this is gonna
get you on the cover of gq.
All right.
You thinking of fucking me?
Is there a bathroom in this place,
or do you go right on the floor?
Right there.
I can't believe
i just asked my boss that.
He could be my dad.
I don't want another dad.
I don't like the one I have now.
I want a lover.
Oh, I like that word.
Lover.
Lover.
My lover's in the bathroom
getting coffee out of his nose.
Yeah, whatever.
My lover.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
You ready to be a salesperson?
Yeah.
Sure. Fun.
All right,
I'm getting tired...
so I'm gonna run.
- You mind if I take you home now?
- No. I'll hang.
- I can walk home from here.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry about your nose.
- Don't worry about it.
Tomorrow we sell.
Great. I won't fuck up.
- You know "the boy who cried wolf"?
- I don't know.
There was this little boy,
and all day long he cried "wolf."
"Wolf is coming. Wolf!"
But there wasn't a wolf coming.
Then one day the wolf came,
and nobody believed him.
It just had no meaning.
I would reconsider
the use of the "fuck" word.
Good night.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Good night.
Did your dad leave?
My lover.
Jenny!
They have a noise ordinance
in century city!
Honey, you're doing windows.
Sweetie, you didn't tell me
you were doing windows.
You're wearing a dress.
I'm so proud.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Go home, mom.
Don't, please.
Baby, oh, my goodness.
You look so beautiful.
Go home.
I came to take you to lunch.
What do you say? Bob and i
ate at the most terrific...
if you leave right now,
I'll have dinner with you.
- Can you?
- I'm on my break now.
Pardon me.
How do you do?
You work with jennifer.
She is my daughter.
You're the infamous mother.
R, mom. Mom, r.
And r is my boss.
He really doesn't like me
to have distractions.
It's so nice of you
to hire jennifer.
Look, you run over to that new
parking structure restaurant.
- I'll meet you there.
- Listen, she's a wonderful girl.
Very, very brave.
Did you know that?
I value her more
than I can tell you.
Excuse me, randall?
Can you come out for a second?
How are you?
I'm coming out.
Listen, don't be a stranger here.
Come by more often.
Thank you so much.
It's so nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Did you hear that, honey?
He's such a lovely gentleman.
He reminds me of somebody.
Who is it I'm thinking of?
Who is it?
- You know him too.
- I'm not gonna eat your lunch.
No, I mean,
you don't want a carrot?
- Maybe we should just have dinner.
- I have to get back to work.
Would you please promise me
that you're gonna come to dinner?
Because then we could celebrate.
- Promise?
- I promise.
I just want to say
one more time...
you look so beautiful
in that dress.
- You okay?
- I'm good.
- You look great.
- Think so?
- Yeah, I do.
- Thanks.
I'm being rude.
Let me offer you something.
I don't have a lot.
Oh, my god.
What is that?
- Oh, my god.
- I've gotta go back to work.
Thank you.
I had a nice...
you are a shitty
window dresser.
Who told you you could
do the windows anyway?
Ooh, you said "shitty."
I'm not in the mood
for this side of you.
Fine.
I thought we were
somewhat in synch here.
I thought we had
some kind of communication.
I extend my friendship,
and you just step on it.
I trusted you.
I really did,
and I don't now, see?
I tell you something...
this is bad.
Whatever this is,
i can't do it.
- You can trust me.
- I don't trust you.
Can I show you something?
Just go fix the goddamn window.
You know what?
Why don't you just take
the rest of the day off?
Go hang with your friends.
You do have friends,
don't you?
No, not really.
Who do you talk to?
Like a therapist?
Not like a therapist.
Like anyone.
You certainly don't talk
to your mother.
Would you?
- What about a boyfriend?
- No.
Is that silicone lips
your girlfriend?
I'm asking the questions now,
thank you.
You know, I'm really
curious about this.
Who do you talk to?
Who are your friends?
You.
Me? I'm years old.
I'm .
Nice to meet you.
Who are your friends?
I don't wanna get into this now.
- Who?
- Don't worry your head over this.
I've got lots of people,
plenty of people.
You have magazines,
not people.
Piles and piles of magazines
you read all the time, right?
It's the first thing you do when you
wake up in the morning alone...
and it's the last thing you do
when you go to bed at night.
You communicate with articles,
not humans.
So can I show you something,
please?
What?
Who did that?
Me.
Why?
Lack of alternatives.
If you hate living
at home that much...
if you hate living
at home that much...
just get your own apartment.
Well, I'm kind of broke.
Yeah, but now you have
a really good job.
I've had it for, like, a minute.
Well...
you might have
the kind of boss...
who would consider
giving you an advance.
Given my special talent
for window dressing?
Because he might be leaning
towards the trust situation.
Yeah, all right.
If we're gonna try
this friendship thing...
you need to make me a promise.
Do I get one in return?
Yeah, that's fair.
I want you to promise you're never
gonna hurt yourself like that again.
I'll try.
What's yours?
I reserve the right to redeem mine
at a later date.
Okay.
- Watch it, asshole.
- All righty.
Come on.
I love this song.
Give it a chance.
Mom flash. Disgusting.
This is classic stuff.
It grows on you.
Yeah, good music.
My turn. My music.
This is supposed to be
an experience where we share.
I'm sharing my taste with you.
You're torturing me with yours.
I'm the one being tortured here.
What do they call your music,
"crap to swoon to"?
Fine.
Another one of your favorites.
It's not for me.
Oh, right. Sure.
Gettin' down
to your funky self, sir?
No, her arm was broken.
This is for young people.
I didn't know that.
You said : anal dude.
You're never late.
Sometimes I am late.
Is that all right with you?
What was wrong with that one?
- It was on the first floor.
- So?
You can't just shut your eyes
and pretend life won't get you.
You gotta take precautions
so you can live a long time.
What makes you think
i wanna live a long time?
That isn't funny.
It's not funny.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I like this one.
It's on the top floor.
I gotta live on the top floor so i
can grasp all of life that I can.
No what?
I'm sorry,
but I have my preferences.
What kind of preferences?
No tattoos, piercings
or potential for loud hip-hop.
- I hate hip-hop.
- Yeah, she hates hip-hop.
And the tattoos aren't even real.
This phase shall also pass.
This is a highly intelligent girl.
She's an incredible poet.
One day she's gonna be very famous.
You know, famous people
know other famous people.
You're gonna wake up,
look out your window one morning...
and who's that
that's visiting her?
- It's...
- regis philbin.
- Yeah.
- Regis?
She's gonna know regis?
And other people too.
Movie stars. Keanu reeves.
Who's she?
- She sometimes guests on regis.
- She's a good guest.
I'll take it.
- Just like that?
- I'm like that.
Don't you have any questions?
Yes. Will you christen
the place with me?
What do you mean by "christen"?
Dance with me.
Oh, I can't do that.
Why not?
Well, there isn't any music.
If I'm ever gonna dance,
i need my music.
If you listen very carefully,
you can hear it.
What do you mean? Like,
"if you build it, they will come"?
What?
I don't hear anything.
So is this good
for your daughter?
My daughter loves the place.
I can't believe I'm getting
my own apartment.
It's so grown-up and scary.
- When will you tell your parents?
- Why don't you tell them?
Yeah, right.
"A home is a place
where you keep your socks...
and socks are for keeping
everything warm."
That's my grandma.
Come on, rasta man.
Share something with me.
I just did an interpretation
of my dead grandmother.
Speak.
I was married once...
about years ago.
How long were you married?
Two years.
Her name was sara.
She used to put baby powder
in all of her shoes.
We had this brown shag carpet
in the house.
So she'd walk around.
She'd leave these white
footprints everywhere.
It was like being married
to casper.
- Was she pretty?
- She had nice feet.
Did you love her?
Why do you hate your family?
I don't hate them.
I just...
I'm happy I'm not them.
Hate's an emotion.
I'm not good with emotion stuff.
No emotion.
I think I love you
so what am I so afraid of
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
ben, is the number.
You have seconds to do it.
Let's begin. In the comic strip
peanuts, what breed is snoopy?
Airedale.
- Beagle.
- Yes.
The flag of what north african
arab nation is solid green?
- Libya.
- Yes.
Damn, this guy knows everything.
You scared me!
Look at you...
in this beautiful green top.
Well, you match the jell-o.
There's something I have to
talk to you about, mom.
- Want some, sweetie?
- No, I don't. Mom, mom!
There's something I have to
talk to you about, okay?
- Is that all right?
- Yeah, sure.
Honey, I think I know
what this is about.
Honey, you're not used to
wearing dresses...
that reveal your figure.
You have such a beautiful figure.
All you need is a good bra.
It has nothing to do with that.
Did you know there are women
in the stores who fit bras?
- Mom!
- It's just support.
I'm going to move into
my own apartment, okay?
Really?
That's so nice.
Hey, dad.
What are you doing?
Hey, jen.
The santa ana winds came in
last night and trashed my fries.
How you doin', girl?
It's been a while.
"A while."
That's a great song.
Yeah. Very groovy.
I didn't know you liked
that kind of music.
Is there anything
you know about me?
Yeah.
I know you're workin'
in a clothing store.
I know you don't have quite
so many holes in your head.
I know you're getting
your own apartment.
I know you're not talking
to your mother.
I know you hate me, and I know
i don't blame you for it.
Impressive.
The human has brain cells.
So...
did you just...
come by here to make me
more miserable or what?
Oh, poor baby.
You're my daughter and I love you,
but cut the crap.
I'm still your father,
and I deserve an iota of respect.
Why should I respect you?
Fuck it.
So how did it go
with your parents?
Fabulous.
Sounds like it.
Is that a sack lunch?
It's for you.
I don't want to have a sack lunch
with my lunch.
It's a present for you.
- Wow. Thank you.
- Gonna put it on?
Here?
I see somebody you know!
All right. Hold this.
I'll guard you.
- Can you hold that?
- I've got that.
- Oh, bitchin'!
- How does it look? Good?
- It kicks ass.
- Thank you.
So what do you
want to do now?
Come on. Yes!
Just a small one. We'll put it
someplace nobody will notice.
Listen to me very carefully.
I am not getting a fucking tattoo.
Ooh, you said
the really bad word.
Yeah, I did.
I am, in fact,
the boy who cried "fuck."
I want the smallest tattoo
that you can make.
A dot or a period
or something like that.
Does it come in a flesh tone?
Very, very, very small.
Oh, jesus.
Oh, god.
It's a scorpion.
That's it.
All right. I'm getting out
of here right now.
Why?
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
- This is insane.
- What's your problem?
- I just can't do this.
- What?
- This!
- Why?
- I can't.
- Can't what? Loosen up?
Not with you.
I'm sorry I made you
have a good time.
You obviously can't handle it.
Why can't you even tell me
what your problem is?
I don't care. I give up.
I don't even like you anymore.
You're pathetic.
You know,
the front door is open.
Where do you think you live,
knots landing?
We can't be friends.
I'm sorry.
What do you mean,
"we can't be friends"?
You just want to shut
the entire world out?
Guess what. I'm right here.
I'm not going anywhere.
You have to leave.
I don't have in me what you need.
How do you know what I need?
You don't even know me.
You don't know anybody.
- What's wrong with you?
- I'm old!
- I'm george burns.
- Who's george burns?
I'm uncle fester,
I'm andy of mayberry...
mr. Roper, grandpa munster.
- I get it.
- Good! Then leave.
What are you so afraid of, huh?
I'm afraid of everything.
- What's "everything"?
- I don't know. Everything!
I can't fly.
I can't be in a boat or a train,
any transportation.
I can't do that.
I don't like being in a car.
I don't take elevators.
Crowded places drive me crazy...
but uncrowded places
make me crazy.
I'm afraid of prescription drugs.
They won't do it in front of you.
They're going in the back.
There's something wrong with it.
They're doing something.
I'm afraid of falling asleep.
I don't even understand
the expression.
Why are you falling?
Where are you falling?
It's just so...
i don't know.
I always wished I had
a button on my neck...
where I could push it
and be asleep like a machine...
but I can't...
so I just lay there,
and I hate it.
I hate it.
What did I leave out?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm not that crazy
about waking up.
You know, there's a lot of people
that have a fear of clowns.
Isn't that funny?
See, that doesn't bother me.
I'm afraid of clowns.
Why can't you be like other kids?
Stand in line at clubs,
smoke cigars, dance...
experiment with bisexuality.
You know, teenage stuff.
Come on. We're trying
somebody new tonight.
Mildred...
I'd like to introduce you to
randall harris of the harrises.
Hi, mildred. How are you?
That's a silly question.
She might be a little shy.
I don't normally bring guests.
Sure.
Why do you do this?
Energy.
I can feel their energy.
A little bit
of a thousand souls.
Come on. It's your turn.
No, not just yet.
Come on. Lie down.
Close your eyes.
I love these slacks.
Come on.
Don't do that.
Lie down.
Comin' down.
Close your eyes.
Now what?
Now you start up a conversation.
With whom?
The person you're sitting on.
Can you feel it?
Can you feel their energy?
I feel it.
You do?
God, I really do feel it.
Thanks for letting me crash here.
Hey, it's late. No problem.
Welcome.
- Nice house.
- Thank you.
So I'm gonna put on
some hot tea.
Listen, if you feel that you want
to take a shower, just go upstairs.
I have fresh towels.
Make yourself at home.
Great.
Thank you.
Okay, so you're somewhere
and you see somebody you know.
What do you say?
I know you.
Hello.
Hey.
All right.
You're in the store.
A customer's just tried on a suit.
He looks quite handsome.
What do you say?
Hey, dude.
Funky stuff, man.
Yeah!
I pray to god that's not it.
You know, in spite
of what you're doing...
you should know
that you're very beautiful.
You think I'm beautiful?
You want to watch a video
or something?
Okay, how 'bout we have
a staring contest?
Oh, don't do that with me
'cause I'll kill you.
Fine then.
Let's see what you're made of.
Ready?
Go!
You're blinking.
Again.
- Go.
- Go!
You want some more tea?
- All right. All right.
- Where you going?
I'm going to go for a run.
When I get back, we need to talk.
We have to have a little talk.
Don't worry about me. I'll just stay
here and go through some drawers.
Save me some time and tell me
where you keep the good stuff.
I don't have any good stuff.
- That's sad.
- Oh, is it? And you do?
- Yup.
- Uh-huh?
Where do you keep yours?
In a box under my bed.
I don't have a box under my bed,
and you're the good stuff.
I have a blue foot.
So much stuff,
so little time to snoop.
Don't do it!
I have to.
I just have to.
Don't do it.
I have to.
Oh, I have to.
Grandma?
Get up!
Get up!
Hey, help!
Somebody, help!
Help me, please!
Help!
Please!
Please, help!
Hi, I'm patty.
Did randall mention
any family at all to you?
No. Why does he need them?
Well, as you probably know,
he's had this for a long time.
He's very sick and...
the next few days
are gonna be critical.
I'm sorry.
So you wouldn't
suggest starting...
any new magazine subscriptions?
I'm sorry, randall.
I don't know
what to say exactly...
but you've known all along how
precarious this type of leukemia is.
Listen...
you'll have some good days,
you'll have some bad days.
But when it becomes acute like this,
our options are limited.
Would you hand me that bag?
We'll give you antibiotics
to treat the infection...
pain medication
to keep you comfortable.
Chemotherapy's an option,
but it's very risky.
There are some experimental
programs we're looking into...
but those need fd a approval.
There's my beauty.
- We'll see you in a little bit.
- Call us if you need anything.
You look good.
You don't.
Come here.
Come over here.
Come here.
You didn't say
"simon says."
Simon says,
"come here, please."
So you just knew all along.
Yeah, I did.
I'm gonna use
the "fuck" word now.
I understand.
How can you do this?
How can you be sick?
You can't be sick, right?
Because you would have told me
you were sick, wouldn't you?
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
I didn't tell anybody.
I never even told my wife.
It was like I thought
if the words didn't come out...
then maybe it wouldn't be true.
Does that make any sense?
So I'll just assume that
you're gonna be okay, right?
You're not gonna be okay,
and that really sucks.
'Cause for the first time ever
in my whole non-perfect...
excuse of a stupid life,
i really, really liked it!
I liked my life.
- You still have your life.
- No, I don't.
I don't have my life
because I love you so much.
Wait a second. Don't leave.
Where are you going?
If a person's on their deathbed,
you have to stay and listen.
It's the hospital rule.
Come back here.
I spoke to your grandmother.
- Oh, bullshit!
- No, it's not bullshit.
You taught me how to do it,
and I've been doing it.
Oh, yeah?
What'd she say?
She said to stop this!
Stop it!
You don't understand.
You have all of these people who
care about you. You have a family.
- Oh, yeah, great family.
- Oh, so what?
So they're all insane. Lock them up.
Who cares? At least they're here.
I wish my parents were still here.
I can't even call 'em up
and say, "i hate you."
You don't know how lucky you are.
- Well, I don't feel so lucky.
- You won't let yourself.
You think this is why your
grandmother tries to talk to you?
Don't you think she's got
better stuff to do all day...
than to get through to nobody?
You're not alone.
Who is this talking...
you or grandma?
I don't know.
We're both talking.
If it makes you feel better,
it's mostly her.
Come here.
Come here. Sit down.
Would you just once...
do something I ask you
the first time, please?
Now you close your eyes,
and you listen.
Come on.
Close your eyes.
Listen.
I don't hear anything.
I care about you more
than anyone else in the world.
What's that?
Morphine.
Morphine. Oh, cool.
"Dear rand, I can't live
with you in this house.
It's like I'm living alone.
You won't talk to me or touch me.
I don't know what's going on...
but I can't live like this
anymore."
Information.
City and listing, please.
Albuquerque.
Sara harris,
paso robles.
I'm sorry.
That's an unlisted number.
Shit.
You have a cousin louise?
I'm only gonna be gone
for two days.
- Okay?
- Two days?
Yeah, it'll go by really fast.
I'll call you
when I'm on the road...
when I get there at the wedding.
- These are chocolates for you.
- Okay. Thank you.
Well, have a good time.
- Hurry back.
- Okay, I will.
I will hurry back so fast.
Be careful.
- I'll call you, okay?
- Put your seat belt on.
All right,
so I'll see you later.
Is there something else
i can get for you?
I wouldn't mind
a little company.
Okay, what was I gonna say?
I was gonna say, "excuse me, mrs.
Harris, I know we've never met...
and you haven't seen
your husband in years...
but I really think
you should know that..."
oh, that's not good.
Shit.
- What do you want?
- Who are you?
Excuse me?
Who are you?
Does sara harris live here?
You want any information,
you can tell me who you are.
How's that?
My name's j.
I'm a friend of her husband's.
That's interesting information.
You want to come in for a coke?
Do you have a telephone
and some chocolate?
How 'bout a lollipop?
So, my name is randy.
Sara was my mother.
- "Was"?
- Yeah.
She was in a car accident
about six months ago.
Shit.
I'm sorry. That's awful.
Thanks, twilight zone.
Now, what husband
are you talking about?
She was married before.
Didn't she tell you?
Yeah, I know.
My father died before I was born.
Did she say anything about him?
No. She gave me a picture once.
Can I see it?
Sure.
You find out you have a dad,
you're not even curious to meet him?
- Not really.
- Well, he's dying.
Yeah, I know. You let me know that.
And you know what?
That makes the blessed event
even more enticing.
You're basically asking me...
to go meet a man
who will be dead soon, right?
"Hi, dad. I'm here
just in time to bury you."
- What kind of friend are you anyway?
- I love him.
- What kind of love?
- He's been my best friend.
Did you fuck him?
Shit.
Look, I'm a bitter asshole,
okay?
I have been most of my life.
I usually keep it to myself.
I've lost my mother, and now
i find out I have a father...
who's alive,
but he's dying.
Lot of stuff.
I'm just not sure if I have the
right outfit for my debut on oprah.
Well, I'm sure
i can find you something.
Where did you come from?
How did this happen?
I don't know
if you're a good thing...
or the fucking plague.
Does this mean you're coming
with me to meet him or what?
Yeah. You know what?
I will go with you.
But I'm not talking to him...
or you.
- Fine!
- Good!
You've been my nurse
for such a long time...
but I don't know
anything about you.
I'm a dick.
You're not a dick.
Believe me,
I'm very familiar with dicks.
You are just a man who hasn't
let anyone in his life...
because he knew he was sick.
Thank you.
You know, you've...
never asked me to leave...
but you never really
asked me to...
shall we say,
invited me to stay either.
Would you stay?
Would you ask me?
Want to come up for lunch?
Fine. I'll eat,
but I'm not talking.
No, we never did it.
He's the greatest person I've
ever met in my whole stupid life.
Turkey and swiss okay?
How about questions?
I may not have that much time.
How about four questions?
Okay. All right. Four.
Number one:
Do you love her?
Yes.
Is it romantic love...
or is it infatuation...
with youth and spirit
kind of love?
That's three questions.
Come on, I'm serious.
What is it?
I don't know.
It's like a family love.
Thanks.
- How's he doing?
- No change.
If he doesn't improve,
they'll just send him home.
- What are you doing?
- I gotta sleep.
No, no. Can you just get back
on the road right now?
- Come on.
- Listen, if I continue to drive...
then most probably a big truck
full of some farm crap...
is gonna mow us down...
and then look at how many
dead people will be in this story.
All right. Coffee.
Dude, get that away from me.
If you're not gonna drive,
let me drive. Get out of the car.
- When was the last time you slept?
- A few days ago, but...
exactly. So if I'm gonna
meet this dad guy...
then I get some beauty sleep,
all right?
Okay, listen,
you selfish loser asshole.
I've got to get to r
and I've got to get to r now...
and I've got to be in this car
for eight torturous hours with you...
so that means we have no more
pit stops, no more anything stops.
Maybe we can have one stop for
a coke and a pee, and that's it.
No, no, no. Never mind.
We don't have enough time
for a coke and a pee.
Maybe just a pee
if you're really desperate.
Shut up, sybil. Shut up.
"Sybil"?
Yeah, you know sybil... the woman
with eight home phone numbers.
It's not necessarily bad. A plethora
of personalities can be enchanting.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you, all eight of you.
Don't leave me alone, please.
What?
Wake up.
What's wrong?
What do you want?
Why don't you
help me stay awake?
We'll play a little game,
all right?
Yeah? Good.
Soda can.
All right, that was easy.
- Chocolate.
- Hmm. That was good.
Shit!
What the hell?
So when was the last time you were
in a serious relationship?
A long time ago. I'm not
a good relationship person.
You speak for the world.
Okay, he's checked out,
and they said he could spend...
whatever time he has left at home,
so let's go.
You're gonna love him.
What am I doing? I cannot believe
I'm doing this right now.
Well, believe it.
It's your reality.
- All right, hurry up now.
- Oh, my god.
I hate this fucking song!
Oh, my god.
Oh, shit.
R, I'd like to introduce you
to your son.
- Son?
- Son?
Son.
Dad!
- Come in.
- "Come in."
You don't even know who it is,
and just, "come in"?
I knew it was you.
So silicone lips
doesn't knock?
I'm sorry.
I understand.
Well, I'm three quarters through
the understanding stage.
But it hurts me, though.
You know?
And it's not good pain.
I don't know that there
ever really was good pain.
I used to think so,
but I don't now.
- Ramble, ramble, ramble.
- Hey, please, I get it.
Come here. Sit down.
I missed you.
Did you?
Yes, I did.
I missed you too.
It's a good thing,
this missing stuff.
Thanks for the present.
- You're welcome.
- What's he like?
Oh, he's kind of like you.
He's an asshole?
No, worse than that.
He's a pathetic loser asshole.
That's my boy.
So you like him.
- Are you mental?
- Totally.
I've gotten down with it.
I've boogied.
Okay, shaft.
Excuse me.
I hear my mother calling.
Sorry about the timing.
I don't think the first apology
should be coming from you.
I wish I could have known you.
Yeah? All right.
Well, I don't do drugs.
I do.
I don't know.
I failed algebra.
It's okay.
- I failed your mother.
- Yeah.
She told me you were dead.
It's true. I was.
Did she ever talk about me?
No.
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
What are we supposed
to talk about?
Damned if I know.
I'm a fucking father.
I don't know what to say.
I'll leave you money
for therapy.
And for college.
I want you to go to college.
It's really important, okay?
- Did you?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- What did you learn?
Give me a second,
I'll think of it.
What is going on with you?
What do you mean?
Well, you're just sitting here
talking to me. You don't do that.
I know. I'm sorry.
Honey, what's wrong?
I'd like to be
a better daughter.
Sweetie, are you pregnant?
No.
And...
and I'd like
to be your friend.
I'd like to know
a lot of things about you.
I know that you are...
embarrassed and ashamed of me.
Oh, baby, no, no, no.
I never said that. No.
But I really, really need
to talk to you...
about the things
that matter to me.
Okay?
So...
- so, that was rap.
- Yep.
Well, I thought it was nice.
Come on, mom. I'll show you
how to talk to grandma.
- I do not know how you do this.
- I'll teach you.
Well...
grandma says "hi."
Take care of r for me,
grandma.
Teach him to dance.
Honey.
Should you be smoking that now?
Oh, man.
Come on.
I think tonight will be fun.
Oh, "fun"?
Fun was dropping acid
in the ' s.
Fun was streaking
at my sister's prom.
Fun was staging a sit-in
at a titty bar on sunset.
This...
this is very bad fellini
we're about to enter into.
Tell me something.
Did you and j ever...
no, no.
The answer is no.
- Why don't you tell me something?
- Tell you what?
Tell me how you're gonna
look after her when I'm gone.
I just want to let you know...
as far as dads go...
you probably would have
been all right.
Probably.
So you really wanted
this dinner?
Hey, I'm dying.
How bad could it be?
Excellent.
- The peas.
- I love peas.
So delicious.
Tasty.
Sorry, man.
You want to dance with me?
Pre-beatle.
Oh, I love this song.
Thank you so much for this evening.
You're welcome.
You remember that promise
you owe me?
I do.
Promise me when you're gone...
you'll send a message
so I know you're okay.
I promise.
If you promise me your father
won't touch anything.
Mrs. Benson,
would you like to dance?
- Sorry.
- Would you like to dance?
Sure.
I'm afraid I'm not very good.
Trippy.
Yeah.
What's up with you
and the dying guy?
I only sleep
with unavailable men.
The guy said,
"what's the name of your act?"
I said, "the aristocrats."
Look at that.
You must feel pretty
proud of yourself.
It's just one of those small
but enormous things.
The aristocrats.
- Wow.
- Fuckin' aristocrats.
But wait, wait, wait.
Tell that other one about dave.
Oh, jesus christ.
Absolutely true story.
Okay, now.
Dude.
I'd like to propose a toast.
To all the special f words:
To friends...
family...
fate...
forgiveness...
and forever.
Thank you, honey.
Death touched her lips
to say good-bye...
and to always remember
the man who touched her first...
touched her with his heart.
That is forever hers.
My first mister.
A man of few words.
A life of more questions
than answers.
He awoke in me my heart...
which beats stronger
because of him...
and all that he has left me.
I think it's time...
i got out
of the eulogy business.