My First Mister Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the My First Mister script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Albert Brooks and Leelee Sobieski movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of My First Mister. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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My First Mister Script





Red rain.



Death touched her lips

as she kissed her lover good-bye.



She tried not to touch his skin...



knowing the coldness

would chill her.



As it was...



she still hadn't cried...



nor had she decided

who was in the better position.



The end.



I wrote that.



I'm a fucking poet.



When I'm not writing poems...



I'm writing eulogies.






- Yeah? Oh, yeah?

- Yeah! Yeah!



- Take it easy, fellas.

- My mother...



a shirley partridge wanna-be...



would like for me

to go to dental school.



I can't imagine spending every day

dealing with other people's spit.



Somehow, I just don't think

I'm the type.



I think it's just horrible...



the amount of confusion

and angst...



that we teenage girls have to endure

regarding our apparel.



I mean, it takes a lot of time

to mix and match.



I think every girl

should be provided...



I'm sitting in writing class,

surrounded by alien creatures...



with pretentious names

like ashley...






I'm not really into people.



Anyway, I think that if everyone

just drove the same car...



that it would put an end...



to envy and jealousy...



and carjackings.



All right, ash.



Thank you.



Okay, ashley.



Thank you.



Let's see who's next.



Jennifer wilson.



My parents named me

jennifer anne wilson.



My middle name

is because someone is dead.



I don't really have a passion

for the name jennifer...



so I refer to myself as j.



I don't think of myself

as a teenage girl or a woman.



I'm just the opposite of a boy.



J, your bio was cool.



It moved me.



You look like those cool vjs

they get off the street on mtv.



You totally rock.



If I brought you home,

my mom might hemorrhage.



Do you wanna maybe

go have sushi?



I'm a lesbian.



I'm okay with that.



Once, when I was   

i thought I was a lesbian.



The question of my generation:



To dive...



or not to dive.



But this one day,

my mom took me to her gym.



She stuck me in the steam room

with a bunch of women...



posing as elephants.



Cured me of doubt.



Now I masturbate to a picture

of freddie prinze, jr...



and I'm quite certain

of my sexual preference.



I'm cooking a brisket

for dinner tonight.



A woman needs to eat blood

every now and again.



She just really does.



Oh, no, it's my musicals.



When I have a brand-new hairdo



with my eyelashes

all in curls



i think my mother

was deeply affected by the divorce.



I enjoy being a girl



when men say I'm cute

and funny



and my teeth aren't teeth

but pearls



i just lap it up like honey



i enjoy being a girl



stop that.



Dad, the sperm that bore me,

cheated on mom.



Blah, blah, blah.



Mom remarried.



I think his name is bob.



Hi, jennifer.






Surprise, jen!



- Cosmopolitan.

- Tomorrow's our big day.



Brisket in half an hour.



Jen, it's best when it's hot.









Brisket's ready!



Time to celebrate

your graduation, honey.



- Brisket's all ready.

- Vintage tvrocks.



What I wouldn't give to live

with the partridge family.



I think shirley

would really get me.



I like chocolate.



- It's dark and warm.

- Come here, baby.



Like what I imagine

a hug would be like.



- Doesn't sound friendly to me.

- Wanna look like a dope, go ahead.



- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

- Yeah! Yeah!



I'll meet you at the table.



She's coming.

Takes her a while, that's all.



Takes her a while.









But I just need enough cash

to get my own place.



I need help, someone.






Oh, thank god!



I got these pants caught

on my earring. Bad pain.



Bad pain.



All right.



Do you have one?



No, not there.



You should get one.

It makes sex amazing.



You have one here?



No, not there either.



You don't know

what you're missing.



Well, I'm not the one

with a pair of dead man's pants...



hanging from my labia.



"It makes sex amazing. Ow!"



Maybe I should get

some more piercings.



I'm not busy.



What is sex anyway?



If memory serves...




I'm still a virgin.



There was this one day

in third grade...



when matthew kingsley came over

and we played doctor.



He confused my vagina

with my anus...



and took my temperature

with a fire-engine red crayon.



From then on,

whenever I'd hear a siren...



I'd giggle.



I never had a boyfriend.



I don't know what I'd do

with one if I did.



Guys like calvin klein

g-string ad girls.



I wear boxers.



I once had an orgasm, though.



With myself.



I think.



I'm gonna go to hell anyway.



J! Yo, j!



Eulogy number    .



She was loved by no one.



She chose indifference

as her state of mind.



She leaves behind

not even a memory...






she never existed.



That was a cheery one.



Hiya, rudy.






Hey, dorothy.






Good news and bad news.



Good news:



I didn't get caught

for stealing.



Bad news:



I got fired for farting.



So I decided to go

where the real money is...



the century city mall.









Need a hand?



Thank you.



Thank you.



Thanks very much.



I was wondering...



there's a sign in the window.

You need some help in your store?



Fuck you.



Asshole with a beer belly.



What did you say?



You think this is a beer belly?






This is not a beer belly.



- Oh, no?

- No.



Wanna see a beer belly?



That's a beer belly.



Thank you, mister.



I feel just truly enlightened.



Let me profusely apologize for my

little crude, naive observation.



All right, great.



Now, scram. Go. Shoo.



Go get pierced

or whatever you do.



Get out. Hey, why don't you

get your eyeballs pierced?



What are you doing?



Reviewing my options.



You've got options?



What is it you can do?









Why don't you go home now...



take the silverware

out of your face...



come back in, say, a week,

look like a person...



then we'll talk.



But you really do

have to go now because...



you're scaring the customers.






Honey, we're having leftovers.



Let me guess. Brisket.



Baby, I could cook up

something else for you.



How about a vegetable souffle?

How would that be?



Please come to the table.



We could light those kind

of candles that you like.



Inspiration. Jen?



Listen, I know that you've been

trying really hard to find a job...



but I was thinking maybe...



maybe we could talk about college

one more time.



Ode to my facejewelry metal.



Shiny, sharp.



Good pain I inflicted myself.



Jennifer, I can relate to

what you're going through.






Adorning my face

where the smile used to be...



once as a baby,

when pain had no definition...



now grown and alone...



my jewelry off...



naked again...



identity gone.



I had a dream last night...



that I had earrings

all over my face.



I thought that this

looked really cool.



And then my maybe-boss

made a suggestion.



Maybe you should

pierce your ears.



Then I tell him...



that is so sick.



I'm keeping this one.



Fuck 'em.



I think bruce would just

love the way this feels.



It's so soft,

yet still masculine.



I don't really know bruce...



but if he'd like to come in

and feel it for himself...



I'm happy to hold it for him.



What a dick.



She'd do him right here

in the daylight.



Take a look at this.

These are    percent off.



Excuse me a moment.



- Hello.

- Hello.



You look better...



but in this store,

we like to stand up.



Come on.



Come up.



Follow me, quickly.



So what does

your mother call you?



Jen, jennifer, jennikins,

lamb of my loins.



All right.



I'll just call you j.



This is jack...



one of our best salesmen.



This is j, possibly

our new stockroom girl.



"Jay" as in the bird?



Yes, jack, as in the box?



He's actually not bad-looking...



for an older, overweight...



undesirably aged male.



He has kind of a big butt

for a guy.



This is a wall of shirts.



Everything in this store

is color-coded.



Button-down shirts, red;

tab collar, blue;



french cut, green.



This is very important.



The boy who worked here last,

he didn't understand.



The reason we do this

is that everything arrives...



in these boxes.



You immediately open it.



A lot of times what the boxes say

is not what's in the box.



You open it up, see the tab,

you know where it goes...



and you're done.



It's color-coding.

It's important.



Color-coding saves time.



Are you listening to me?



The ins and outs

of being an idiot.



Yes, I've worked

the stockroom before, sir.






My master.






Can I call you r?






If you have any questions,

I'll be out front.



One question.

Do I get the job?



Well, we're trying it out.



What is your cat's name?






Of course.



He touched my tit.



I ran into betty lewis

over at the rite aid today.




And I have to tell you...



i liked it so much better

when it was thrifty's.



They've rearranged the whole place

in the most... excuse me, honey...



inappropriate manner.




i have been thinking...



of speaking to the management

about it.



What do you think, bob?



About what?



Honey, at the rite aid.



Please, bob, the situation.



Grandma's here.






Bob, please.



Jenny, that's not funny.

Your grandma's dead.



She's allowed to visit.



I don't want this.



I do not want this.



I don't like it, bob.



I really don't like it.



- Please.

- Honey.



What's the matter with you?



You know how sensitive your mother

is about your grandmother.



Why would you do

something like that?



One last time,

the sweaters are four steps...



each arm first.



By the way,

the shirts are nine steps...



but we'll get to that after you're

comfortable with the sweaters.



Fold the body in and up...



and it's folded.



- You're beyond anal.

- It's important to be organized.



Number one on my list.



Number one on my list

is "don't mock me."



Number two on my list is "remember

to stay back here, please."



There's a man who really

knows how to live.



That is a man set in his ways.



Please don't make him

this semester's science project.



Get in the back

before he sees you.



Can I help you with anything?



Is there something

i can help you with?



No, just looking.



That's the finest material

in the store.



I'm not a mugger.

I work here.



Why else would I be

in this nice clothing store?



Oh, your eyes are that blue.



Oh, my god,

there's this suit here...



that has this slight blue tinge

running through it.



It would be totally groovy

with your eyes.



- Groovy?

- Groovy's back.



Check it out, man.



- What do you think?

- Very nice.



You have the yellow shirt

and you have the tie.



It's nice.



- Oh, my god. Funky stuff.

- It is nice.



Next time, ask first.



Yes, sir.



If you're not gonna stay in the

back, which clearly you're not...



it's clean and spick-and-span.

There's nothing more I can do, sir.



You may think you know how to do

this, but for every suit you sell...



you're gonna send    customers

running out of this store screaming.



If you wanna sell,

you have to look the part.



Dress me.



The last time I had

this much weird fun...



was with

the fire-engine red crayon.



I look like a republican.



You're no republican.



Thanks for being so cooperative.



Thank you very much

for the clothes.



- I'll pay you back.

- I'm not worried about it.



- Good night.

- Good night.



Thank you.



Are you all right?



Are you okay?






Need a ride home?






You don't have a car?



It didn't start this morning.



Are you thirsty?



No, not really.



You bought me clothes.

I'll buy you a cup of coffee.



It's all right.



Come on. We can talk about

my big promotion, boss man.



Actually, it's almost  :  .



 :  . so?



Well, I'm usually home by  :  .



What happens at  :  ?



I turn into the same person I am.



Go ahead.



Excuse me.



This is your hang, huh?






Never would have guessed.



You should get a spider coffee

with whipped cream.



It's really good.



Hey, j, what's up?



- What'll it be?

- Can we get two number sevens?



Actually, you know what?

I just want a sanka.






Anything decaffeinated.






Aren't you looking backwards?



Life looks better that way.



So are your parents divorced?



Very fuckin' divorced.



Any brothers or sisters?



Just my cat.



You have a copy of the bell jar

by your bed?






Earlier tonight when I was taking

the trash out in the back...



i lifted the lid

of the dumpster...



and I get hit in the head

with this paper airplane.



I read it. I'm sorry. I didn't

know it wasn't meant for me.



Is this a suicide note?






Don't worry, boss man.

It's not for now.



The sopranos are on hiatus.

I wanna see if they kill each other.



That's good to know.



Otherwise I would keep you on

at the store on a temporary basis.



That's funny.



You should do that more often.



Do what more often?

Joke around?



I don't think so.



People might get

the wrong idea.



What, that you're happy?

What's that anyway?



I'm not the one to ask.



You know what I think?



I think happy

is fucking overrated.



I mean, my mom's always happy.



She's got this stupid smile

on her face...



and she's singing,

and it's just disgusting.



Apparently you don't think

your mother is really happy.



Would you be,

having me as your only child?



That's a good point.



I have to tell you. I don't think

this is the least bit attractive.



And I think that this is gonna

get you on the cover of gq.



All right.



You thinking of fucking me?



Is there a bathroom in this place,

or do you go right on the floor?



Right there.



I can't believe

i just asked my boss that.



He could be my dad.



I don't want another dad.

I don't like the one I have now.



I want a lover.



Oh, I like that word.









My lover's in the bathroom

getting coffee out of his nose.



Yeah, whatever.



My lover.



I'm fine. I'm fine.



You ready to be a salesperson?






Sure. Fun.



All right,

I'm getting tired...



so I'm gonna run.



- You mind if I take you home now?

- No. I'll hang.



- I can walk home from here.

- Okay.



- I'm sorry about your nose.

- Don't worry about it.



Tomorrow we sell.



Great. I won't fuck up.



- You know "the boy who cried wolf"?

- I don't know.



There was this little boy,

and all day long he cried "wolf."



"Wolf is coming. Wolf!"

But there wasn't a wolf coming.



Then one day the wolf came,

and nobody believed him.



It just had no meaning.



I would reconsider

the use of the "fuck" word.



Good night.

I'll see you tomorrow.



Good night.



Did your dad leave?



My lover.






They have a noise ordinance

in century city!



Honey, you're doing windows.



Sweetie, you didn't tell me

you were doing windows.



You're wearing a dress.

I'm so proud.



- I'm so proud of you.

- Go home, mom.



Don't, please.



Baby, oh, my goodness.

You look so beautiful.



Go home.



I came to take you to lunch.



What do you say? Bob and i

ate at the most terrific...



if you leave right now,

I'll have dinner with you.



- Can you?

- I'm on my break now.



Pardon me.

How do you do?



You work with jennifer.

She is my daughter.



You're the infamous mother.



R, mom. Mom, r.



And r is my boss.



He really doesn't like me

to have distractions.



It's so nice of you

to hire jennifer.



Look, you run over to that new

parking structure restaurant.



- I'll meet you there.

- Listen, she's a wonderful girl.



Very, very brave.

Did you know that?



I value her more

than I can tell you.



Excuse me, randall?



Can you come out for a second?



How are you?



I'm coming out.

Listen, don't be a stranger here.



Come by more often.



Thank you so much.

It's so nice to meet you.



Nice to meet you.



Did you hear that, honey?



He's such a lovely gentleman.



He reminds me of somebody.



Who is it I'm thinking of?



Who is it?



- You know him too.

- I'm not gonna eat your lunch.



No, I mean,

you don't want a carrot?



- Maybe we should just have dinner.

- I have to get back to work.



Would you please promise me

that you're gonna come to dinner?



Because then we could celebrate.



- Promise?

- I promise.



I just want to say

one more time...



you look so beautiful

in that dress.



- You okay?

- I'm good.



- You look great.

- Think so?



- Yeah, I do.

- Thanks.



I'm being rude.

Let me offer you something.



I don't have a lot.



Oh, my god.



What is that?



- Oh, my god.

- I've gotta go back to work.



Thank you.

I had a nice...



you are a shitty

window dresser.



Who told you you could

do the windows anyway?



Ooh, you said "shitty."



I'm not in the mood

for this side of you.






I thought we were

somewhat in synch here.



I thought we had

some kind of communication.



I extend my friendship,

and you just step on it.



I trusted you.



I really did,

and I don't now, see?



I tell you something...

this is bad.



Whatever this is,

i can't do it.



- You can trust me.

- I don't trust you.



Can I show you something?



Just go fix the goddamn window.



You know what?



Why don't you just take

the rest of the day off?



Go hang with your friends.



You do have friends,

don't you?



No, not really.



Who do you talk to?



Like a therapist?



Not like a therapist.

Like anyone.



You certainly don't talk

to your mother.



Would you?



- What about a boyfriend?

- No.



Is that silicone lips

your girlfriend?



I'm asking the questions now,

thank you.



You know, I'm really

curious about this.



Who do you talk to?

Who are your friends?






Me? I'm    years old.



I'm   .

Nice to meet you.



Who are your friends?



I don't wanna get into this now.



- Who?

- Don't worry your head over this.



I've got lots of people,

plenty of people.



You have magazines,

not people.



Piles and piles of magazines

you read all the time, right?



It's the first thing you do when you

wake up in the morning alone...



and it's the last thing you do

when you go to bed at night.



You communicate with articles,

not humans.



So can I show you something,







Who did that?









Lack of alternatives.



If you hate living

at home that much...



if you hate living

at home that much...



just get your own apartment.



Well, I'm kind of broke.



Yeah, but now you have

a really good job.



I've had it for, like, a minute.






you might have

the kind of boss...



who would consider

giving you an advance.



Given my special talent

for window dressing?



Because he might be leaning

towards the trust situation.



Yeah, all right.



If we're gonna try

this friendship thing...



you need to make me a promise.



Do I get one in return?



Yeah, that's fair.



I want you to promise you're never

gonna hurt yourself like that again.



I'll try.



What's yours?



I reserve the right to redeem mine

at a later date.






- Watch it, asshole.

- All righty.



Come on.



I love this song.



Give it a chance.



Mom flash. Disgusting.



This is classic stuff.

It grows on you.



Yeah, good music.

My turn. My music.



This is supposed to be

an experience where we share.



I'm sharing my taste with you.

You're torturing me with yours.



I'm the one being tortured here.



What do they call your music,

"crap to swoon to"?




Another one of your favorites.



It's not for me.



Oh, right. Sure.



Gettin' down

to your funky self, sir?



No, her arm was broken.



This is for young people.

I didn't know that.



You said  :   anal dude.



You're never late.



Sometimes I am late.

Is that all right with you?



What was wrong with that one?



- It was on the first floor.

- So?



You can't just shut your eyes

and pretend life won't get you.



You gotta take precautions

so you can live a long time.



What makes you think

i wanna live a long time?



That isn't funny.

It's not funny.



Okay, I'm sorry.



I like this one.



It's on the top floor.



I gotta live on the top floor so i

can grasp all of life that I can.



No what?



I'm sorry,

but I have my preferences.



What kind of preferences?



No tattoos, piercings

or potential for loud hip-hop.



- I hate hip-hop.

- Yeah, she hates hip-hop.



And the tattoos aren't even real.



This phase shall also pass.



This is a highly intelligent girl.



She's an incredible poet.

One day she's gonna be very famous.



You know, famous people

know other famous people.



You're gonna wake up,

look out your window one morning...



and who's that

that's visiting her?



- It's...

- regis philbin.



- Yeah.

- Regis?



She's gonna know regis?



And other people too.



Movie stars. Keanu reeves.



Who's she?



- She sometimes guests on regis.

- She's a good guest.



I'll take it.



- Just like that?

- I'm like that.



Don't you have any questions?



Yes. Will you christen

the place with me?



What do you mean by "christen"?



Dance with me.



Oh, I can't do that.



Why not?



Well, there isn't any music.



If I'm ever gonna dance,

i need my music.



If you listen very carefully,

you can hear it.



What do you mean? Like,

"if you build it, they will come"?






I don't hear anything.



So is this good

for your daughter?



My daughter loves the place.



I can't believe I'm getting

my own apartment.



It's so grown-up and scary.



- When will you tell your parents?

- Why don't you tell them?



Yeah, right.



"A home is a place

where you keep your socks...



and socks are for keeping

everything warm."



That's my grandma.



Come on, rasta man.

Share something with me.



I just did an interpretation

of my dead grandmother.






I was married once...



about    years ago.



How long were you married?



Two years.



Her name was sara.



She used to put baby powder

in all of her shoes.



We had this brown shag carpet

in the house.



So she'd walk around.



She'd leave these white

footprints everywhere.



It was like being married

to casper.



- Was she pretty?

- She had nice feet.



Did you love her?



Why do you hate your family?



I don't hate them.



I just...

I'm happy I'm not them.



Hate's an emotion.



I'm not good with emotion stuff.



No emotion.



I think I love you

so what am I so afraid of



I'm afraid that I'm not sure of



ben,   is the number.

You have    seconds to do it.



Let's begin. In the comic strip

peanuts, what breed is snoopy?






- Beagle.

- Yes.



The flag of what north african

arab nation is solid green?



- Libya.

- Yes.



Damn, this guy knows everything.



You scared me!



Look at you...



in this beautiful green top.



Well, you match the jell-o.



There's something I have to

talk to you about, mom.



- Want some, sweetie?

- No, I don't. Mom, mom!



There's something I have to

talk to you about, okay?



- Is that all right?

- Yeah, sure.



Honey, I think I know

what this is about.



Honey, you're not used to

wearing dresses...



that reveal your figure.



You have such a beautiful figure.



All you need is a good bra.



It has nothing to do with that.



Did you know there are women

in the stores who fit bras?



- Mom!

- It's just support.



I'm going to move into

my own apartment, okay?






That's so nice.



Hey, dad.



What are you doing?



Hey, jen.



The santa ana winds came in

last night and trashed my fries.



How you doin', girl?

It's been a while.



"A while."



That's a great song.



Yeah. Very groovy.



I didn't know you liked

that kind of music.



Is there anything

you know about me?






I know you're workin'

in a clothing store.



I know you don't have quite

so many holes in your head.



I know you're getting

your own apartment.



I know you're not talking

to your mother.



I know you hate me, and I know

i don't blame you for it.




The human has brain cells.






did you just...



come by here to make me

more miserable or what?



Oh, poor baby.



You're my daughter and I love you,

but cut the crap.



I'm still your father,

and I deserve an iota of respect.



Why should I respect you?



Fuck it.



So how did it go

with your parents?






Sounds like it.



Is that a sack lunch?



It's for you.



I don't want to have a sack lunch

with my lunch.



It's a present for you.



- Wow. Thank you.

- Gonna put it on?






I see somebody you know!



All right. Hold this.



I'll guard you.



- Can you hold that?

- I've got that.



- Oh, bitchin'!

- How does it look? Good?



- It kicks ass.

- Thank you.



So what do you

want to do now?



Come on. Yes!



Just a small one. We'll put it

someplace nobody will notice.



Listen to me very carefully.

I am not getting a fucking tattoo.



Ooh, you said

the really bad word.



Yeah, I did.



I am, in fact,

the boy who cried "fuck."



I want the smallest tattoo

that you can make.



A dot or a period

or something like that.



Does it come in a flesh tone?



Very, very, very small.



Oh, jesus.



Oh, god.



It's a scorpion.



That's it.



All right. I'm getting out

of here right now.






- What's going on?

- Nothing.



- This is insane.

- What's your problem?



- I just can't do this.

- What?



- This!

- Why?



- I can't.

- Can't what? Loosen up?



Not with you.



I'm sorry I made you

have a good time.



You obviously can't handle it.



Why can't you even tell me

what your problem is?



I don't care. I give up.

I don't even like you anymore.



You're pathetic.



You know,

the front door is open.



Where do you think you live,

knots landing?



We can't be friends.

I'm sorry.



What do you mean,

"we can't be friends"?



You just want to shut

the entire world out?



Guess what. I'm right here.

I'm not going anywhere.



You have to leave.

I don't have in me what you need.



How do you know what I need?



You don't even know me.

You don't know anybody.



- What's wrong with you?

- I'm old!



- I'm george burns.

- Who's george burns?



I'm uncle fester,

I'm andy of mayberry...



mr. Roper, grandpa munster.



- I get it.

- Good! Then leave.



What are you so afraid of, huh?



I'm afraid of everything.



- What's "everything"?

- I don't know. Everything!



I can't fly.



I can't be in a boat or a train,

any transportation.



I can't do that.

I don't like being in a car.



I don't take elevators.



Crowded places drive me crazy...



but uncrowded places

make me crazy.



I'm afraid of prescription drugs.



They won't do it in front of you.

They're going in the back.



There's something wrong with it.

They're doing something.



I'm afraid of falling asleep.



I don't even understand

the expression.



Why are you falling?

Where are you falling?



It's just so...



i don't know.



I always wished I had

a button on my neck...



where I could push it

and be asleep like a machine...



but I can't...



so I just lay there,

and I hate it.



I hate it.



What did I leave out?



Oh, yeah, yeah.



I'm not that crazy

about waking up.



You know, there's a lot of people

that have a fear of clowns.



Isn't that funny?



See, that doesn't bother me.



I'm afraid of clowns.



Why can't you be like other kids?



Stand in line at clubs,

smoke cigars, dance...



experiment with bisexuality.



You know, teenage stuff.



Come on. We're trying

somebody new tonight.






I'd like to introduce you to

randall harris of the harrises.



Hi, mildred. How are you?



That's a silly question.



She might be a little shy.

I don't normally bring guests.






Why do you do this?






I can feel their energy.



A little bit

of a thousand souls.



Come on. It's your turn.



No, not just yet.



Come on. Lie down.

Close your eyes.



I love these slacks.



Come on.



Don't do that.



Lie down.



Comin' down.



Close your eyes.



Now what?



Now you start up a conversation.



With whom?



The person you're sitting on.



Can you feel it?

Can you feel their energy?



I feel it.



You do?



God, I really do feel it.



Thanks for letting me crash here.



Hey, it's late. No problem.






- Nice house.

- Thank you.



So I'm gonna put on

some hot tea.



Listen, if you feel that you want

to take a shower, just go upstairs.



I have fresh towels.



Make yourself at home.






Thank you.



Okay, so you're somewhere

and you see somebody you know.



What do you say?



I know you.









All right.



You're in the store.

A customer's just tried on a suit.



He looks quite handsome.

What do you say?



Hey, dude.

Funky stuff, man.






I pray to god that's not it.



You know, in spite

of what you're doing...



you should know

that you're very beautiful.



You think I'm beautiful?



You want to watch a video

or something?



Okay, how 'bout we have

a staring contest?



Oh, don't do that with me

'cause I'll kill you.



Fine then.

Let's see what you're made of.









You're blinking.






- Go.

- Go!



You want some more tea?



- All right. All right.

- Where you going?



I'm going to go for a run.



When I get back, we need to talk.

We have to have a little talk.



Don't worry about me. I'll just stay

here and go through some drawers.



Save me some time and tell me

where you keep the good stuff.



I don't have any good stuff.



- That's sad.

- Oh, is it? And you do?



- Yup.

- Uh-huh?



Where do you keep yours?



In a box under my bed.



I don't have a box under my bed,

and you're the good stuff.



I have a blue foot.



So much stuff,

so little time to snoop.



Don't do it!



I have to.



I just have to.



Don't do it.



I have to.

Oh, I have to.






Get up!



Get up!



Hey, help!

Somebody, help!



Help me, please!





Please, help!



Hi, I'm patty.



Did randall mention

any family at all to you?



No. Why does he need them?



Well, as you probably know,

he's had this for a long time.



He's very sick and...



the next few days

are gonna be critical.



I'm sorry.



So you wouldn't

suggest starting...



any new magazine subscriptions?



I'm sorry, randall.



I don't know

what to say exactly...



but you've known all along how

precarious this type of leukemia is.






you'll have some good days,

you'll have some bad days.



But when it becomes acute like this,

our options are limited.



Would you hand me that bag?



We'll give you antibiotics

to treat the infection...



pain medication

to keep you comfortable.



Chemotherapy's an option,

but it's very risky.



There are some experimental

programs we're looking into...



but those need fd a approval.



There's my beauty.



- We'll see you in a little bit.

- Call us if you need anything.



You look good.



You don't.



Come here.



Come over here.

Come here.



You didn't say

"simon says."



Simon says,

"come here, please."



So you just knew all along.



Yeah, I did.



I'm gonna use

the "fuck" word now.



I understand.



How can you do this?



How can you be sick?

You can't be sick, right?



Because you would have told me

you were sick, wouldn't you?



I'm sorry.



I should have told you.

I didn't tell anybody.



I never even told my wife.



It was like I thought

if the words didn't come out...



then maybe it wouldn't be true.



Does that make any sense?



So I'll just assume that

you're gonna be okay, right?



You're not gonna be okay,

and that really sucks.



'Cause for the first time ever

in my whole non-perfect...



excuse of a stupid life,

i really, really liked it!



I liked my life.



- You still have your life.

- No, I don't.



I don't have my life

because I love you so much.



Wait a second. Don't leave.



Where are you going?



If a person's on their deathbed,

you have to stay and listen.



It's the hospital rule.



Come back here.



I spoke to your grandmother.



- Oh, bullshit!

- No, it's not bullshit.



You taught me how to do it,

and I've been doing it.



Oh, yeah?

What'd she say?



She said to stop this!

Stop it!



You don't understand.



You have all of these people who

care about you. You have a family.



- Oh, yeah, great family.

- Oh, so what?



So they're all insane. Lock them up.

Who cares? At least they're here.



I wish my parents were still here.



I can't even call 'em up

and say, "i hate you."



You don't know how lucky you are.



- Well, I don't feel so lucky.

- You won't let yourself.



You think this is why your

grandmother tries to talk to you?



Don't you think she's got

better stuff to do all day...



than to get through to nobody?



You're not alone.



Who is this talking...

you or grandma?



I don't know.

We're both talking.



If it makes you feel better,

it's mostly her.



Come here.



Come here. Sit down.



Would you just once...



do something I ask you

the first time, please?



Now you close your eyes,

and you listen.



Come on.

Close your eyes.






I don't hear anything.



I care about you more

than anyone else in the world.



What's that?






Morphine. Oh, cool.



"Dear rand, I can't live

with you in this house.



It's like I'm living alone.

You won't talk to me or touch me.



I don't know what's going on...



but I can't live like this





City and listing, please.






Sara harris,

      paso robles.



I'm sorry.

That's an unlisted number.






You have a cousin louise?



I'm only gonna be gone

for two days.



- Okay?

- Two days?



Yeah, it'll go by really fast.



I'll call you

when I'm on the road...



when I get there at the wedding.



- These are chocolates for you.

- Okay. Thank you.



Well, have a good time.



- Hurry back.

- Okay, I will.



I will hurry back so fast.



Be careful.



- I'll call you, okay?

- Put your seat belt on.



All right,

so I'll see you later.



Is there something else

i can get for you?



I wouldn't mind

a little company.



Okay, what was I gonna say?



I was gonna say, "excuse me, mrs.

Harris, I know we've never met...



and you haven't seen

your husband in    years...



but I really think

you should know that..."



oh, that's not good.




- What do you want?

- Who are you?



Excuse me?

Who are you?



Does sara harris live here?



You want any information,

you can tell me who you are.



How's that?



My name's j.

I'm a friend of her husband's.



That's interesting information.

You want to come in for a coke?



Do you have a telephone

and some chocolate?



How 'bout a lollipop?



So, my name is randy.



Sara was my mother.



- "Was"?

- Yeah.



She was in a car accident

about six months ago.






I'm sorry. That's awful.



Thanks, twilight zone.



Now, what husband

are you talking about?



She was married before.

Didn't she tell you?



Yeah, I know.

My father died before I was born.



Did she say anything about him?



No. She gave me a picture once.



Can I see it?






You find out you have a dad,

you're not even curious to meet him?



- Not really.

- Well, he's dying.



Yeah, I know. You let me know that.

And you know what?



That makes the blessed event

even more enticing.



You're basically asking me...



to go meet a man

who will be dead soon, right?



"Hi, dad. I'm here

just in time to bury you."



- What kind of friend are you anyway?

- I love him.



- What kind of love?

- He's been my best friend.



Did you fuck him?






Look, I'm a bitter asshole,




I have been most of my life.

I usually keep it to myself.



I've lost my mother, and now

i find out I have a father...



who's alive,

but he's dying.



Lot of stuff.



I'm just not sure if I have the

right outfit for my debut on oprah.



Well, I'm sure

i can find you something.



Where did you come from?



How did this happen?



I don't know

if you're a good thing...



or the fucking plague.



Does this mean you're coming

with me to meet him or what?



Yeah. You know what?

I will go with you.



But I'm not talking to him...



or you.



- Fine!

- Good!



You've been my nurse

for such a long time...



but I don't know

anything about you.



I'm a dick.



You're not a dick.



Believe me,

I'm very familiar with dicks.



You are just a man who hasn't

let anyone in his life...



because he knew he was sick.



Thank you.



You know, you've...



never asked me to leave...



but you never really

asked me to...



shall we say,

invited me to stay either.



Would you stay?



Would you ask me?



Want to come up for lunch?



Fine. I'll eat,

but I'm not talking.



No, we never did it.



He's the greatest person I've

ever met in my whole stupid life.



Turkey and swiss okay?



How about    questions?



I may not have that much time.



How about four questions?



Okay. All right. Four.



Number one:



Do you love her?






Is it romantic love...



or is it infatuation...



with youth and spirit

kind of love?



That's three questions.



Come on, I'm serious.

What is it?



I don't know.



It's like a family love.






- How's he doing?

- No change.



If he doesn't improve,

they'll just send him home.



- What are you doing?

- I gotta sleep.



No, no. Can you just get back

on the road right now?



- Come on.

- Listen, if I continue to drive...



then most probably a big truck

full of some farm crap...



is gonna mow us down...



and then look at how many

dead people will be in this story.



All right. Coffee.



Dude, get that away from me.



If you're not gonna drive,

let me drive. Get out of the car.



- When was the last time you slept?

- A few days ago, but...



exactly. So if I'm gonna

meet this dad guy...



then I get some beauty sleep,

all right?



Okay, listen,

you selfish loser asshole.



I've got to get to r

and I've got to get to r now...



and I've got to be in this car

for eight torturous hours with you...



so that means we have no more

pit stops, no more anything stops.



Maybe we can have one stop for

a coke and a pee, and that's it.



No, no, no. Never mind.



We don't have enough time

for a coke and a pee.



Maybe just a pee

if you're really desperate.



Shut up, sybil. Shut up.






Yeah, you know sybil... the woman

with eight home phone numbers.



It's not necessarily bad. A plethora

of personalities can be enchanting.



- Fuck you.

- Fuck you.



- Fuck you.

- Fuck you, all eight of you.



Don't leave me alone, please.






Wake up.

What's wrong?



What do you want?



Why don't you

help me stay awake?



We'll play a little game,

all right?



Yeah? Good.



Soda can.



All right, that was easy.



- Chocolate.

- Hmm. That was good.






What the hell?



So when was the last time you were

in a serious relationship?



A long time ago. I'm not

a good relationship person.



You speak for the world.



Okay, he's checked out,

and they said he could spend...



whatever time he has left at home,

so let's go.



You're gonna love him.



What am I doing? I cannot believe

I'm doing this right now.



Well, believe it.

It's your reality.



- All right, hurry up now.

- Oh, my god.



I hate this fucking song!



Oh, my god.



Oh, shit.



R, I'd like to introduce you

to your son.



- Son?

- Son?









- Come in.

- "Come in."



You don't even know who it is,

and just, "come in"?



I knew it was you.



So silicone lips

doesn't knock?



I'm sorry.



I understand.



Well, I'm three quarters through

the understanding stage.



But it hurts me, though.

You know?



And it's not good pain.



I don't know that there

ever really was good pain.



I used to think so,

but I don't now.



- Ramble, ramble, ramble.

- Hey, please, I get it.



Come here. Sit down.



I missed you.



Did you?



Yes, I did.



I missed you too.



It's a good thing,

this missing stuff.



Thanks for the present.



- You're welcome.

- What's he like?



Oh, he's kind of like you.



He's an asshole?



No, worse than that.



He's a pathetic loser asshole.



That's my boy.



So you like him.



- Are you mental?

- Totally.



I've gotten down with it.

I've boogied.



Okay, shaft.



Excuse me.



I hear my mother calling.



Sorry about the timing.



I don't think the first apology

should be coming from you.



I wish I could have known you.



Yeah? All right.



Well, I don't do drugs.



I do.



I don't know.

I failed algebra.



It's okay.



- I failed your mother.

- Yeah.



She told me you were dead.



It's true. I was.



Did she ever talk about me?






- Can I ask you something?

- Sure.



What are we supposed

to talk about?



Damned if I know.



I'm a fucking father.

I don't know what to say.



I'll leave you money

for therapy.



And for college.

I want you to go to college.



It's really important, okay?



- Did you?

- Yes.



- Yes.

- What did you learn?



Give me a second,

I'll think of it.



What is going on with you?



What do you mean?



Well, you're just sitting here

talking to me. You don't do that.



I know. I'm sorry.



Honey, what's wrong?



I'd like to be

a better daughter.



Sweetie, are you pregnant?









and I'd like

to be your friend.



I'd like to know

a lot of things about you.



I know that you are...



embarrassed and ashamed of me.



Oh, baby, no, no, no.

I never said that. No.



But I really, really need

to talk to you...



about the things

that matter to me.









- so, that was rap.

- Yep.



Well, I thought it was nice.



Come on, mom. I'll show you

how to talk to grandma.



- I do not know how you do this.

- I'll teach you.






grandma says "hi."



Take care of r for me,




Teach him to dance.






Should you be smoking that now?



Oh, man.



Come on.

I think tonight will be fun.



Oh, "fun"?



Fun was dropping acid

in the '  s.



Fun was streaking

at my sister's prom.



Fun was staging a sit-in

at a titty bar on sunset.






this is very bad fellini

we're about to enter into.



Tell me something.



Did you and j ever...



no, no.

The answer is no.



- Why don't you tell me something?

- Tell you what?



Tell me how you're gonna

look after her when I'm gone.



I just want to let you know...



as far as dads go...



you probably would have

been all right.






So you really wanted

this dinner?



Hey, I'm dying.



How bad could it be?






- The peas.

- I love peas.



So delicious.






Sorry, man.



You want to dance with me?






Oh, I love this song.



Thank you so much for this evening.



You're welcome.



You remember that promise

you owe me?



I do.



Promise me when you're gone...



you'll send a message

so I know you're okay.



I promise.



If you promise me your father

won't touch anything.



Mrs. Benson,

would you like to dance?



- Sorry.

- Would you like to dance?






I'm afraid I'm not very good.









What's up with you

and the dying guy?



I only sleep

with unavailable men.



The guy said,

"what's the name of your act?"



I said, "the aristocrats."



Look at that.



You must feel pretty

proud of yourself.



It's just one of those small

but enormous things.



The aristocrats.



- Wow.

- Fuckin' aristocrats.



But wait, wait, wait.

Tell that other one about dave.



Oh, jesus christ.



Absolutely true story.



Okay, now.






I'd like to propose a toast.



To all the special f words:



To friends...












and forever.



Thank you, honey.



Death touched her lips

to say good-bye...



and to always remember

the man who touched her first...



touched her with his heart.



That is forever hers.



My first mister.



A man of few words.



A life of more questions

than answers.



He awoke in me my heart...



which beats stronger

because of him...



and all that he has left me.



I think it's time...



i got out

of the eulogy business.


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