My Son The Fantatic Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the My Son The Fantatic script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Om Puri and Rachel Griffiths movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of My Son The Fantatic. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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My Son The Fantatic Script



           Madelaine was a delightful girl.

            She still is, of course.

            And a little bit plumpish at times.

             - [Man] As you said, twice.  - [Woman] Rice is very good.

            - For reducing diet. - Cricket is excellent.

             Farid was captain.

            Mrs. Fingerhut... Hilda...

             This boy of ours,  I can assure you,

            he's all-round type, going whole hog, but not on field.

             At school he carried the prizes home.  Now at college he's top student of year.

            Oh, itís not difficult.

             - [Horn Honks] - The chief inspector.

            About time. He should have been home hours ago.

            The law never sleeps at night.

             Put on a cheerful face.  Blast it!

            This is happiest occasion of life.

            [Speaking In Foreign Language]

            Ah! [Laughs] Hello, sir.

            I will arrange all engagement party details personally.

            Our tradition is beautiful in this respect.

            You enjoy our food when I bring it personally to police headquarters.

            Chief Inspector, please inform me absolutely in confidence.

            Farid is top police material, isn't he?

            Isn't he training to be an accountant?

            Law and order might be more reliable.

            Crime is everywhere out of control, wouldn't you confirm?

            My boy says the same.

            Get camera. Now is moment.

             Please, sir, would  a pose be all right?

            For private use exclusively.

             Bring champagne too.  Please come.

            Hey, Farid!


            - Oop. - [Chuckles]

             Ready? Smile.


             [Man]      In this green and pleasant land     

                 We have a treat you understand     

                 In the mountains of the mind     

                 There is a spirit you will find     

                 Just like an angel from above     

                 We turn to the little  words of love     

                 Ancient cross and Zion star     

                 Eastern wings and praise toJah     

                 This is our land     

                 This is your land     

                 This is our inheritance         


             [Woman On P.A.]  Your attention, please.

             Passengers are warned  that for security reasons...

             baggage may not be left  unattended at any time.

             Baggage left unattended  will be removed immediately...

             and may be destroyed.

             You see that chimney, sir?

             Itís so tall it can be seen  from Inkley Moor.

             The man who built the mill...

            toasted his future on top of that chimney with champagne.

            Actually, he built it so tall...

             so that the smoke will fly over  the house of one of his rivals.

             This town was the center of  worlÔs textile industry.

             Even Ayatollah Khomeini wore a robe  made in this city in a mill over there.

             Actually, you won't see it, because  it was demolished some years ago.

             Local people and  religious types don't like.

            Condom and all, you know, hanging from the rose bushes.

             Good, good.  Final decoration is done.

             Here we'll be having  my son's getting-engaged party.

            He's marrying Madelaine... Madelaine Fingerhut... the top policeman's daughter.

            He impressed her no end.

            This restaurant, sir, belongs to my friend Fizzy.

            There, that fattish one.

            [Chuckles] We came together to this country.

            He had five pounds which he borrowed from me.

            Look, now, and look at me. [Chuckles]


             Your name too small  on front here.

            Don't block parking space.

            Come. Eat.

            I'm eating to capacity when I have one minute of silence.

            I must have date of engagement party.

            - Yes, yes, coming up. - Tomorrow for definite, huh?

            Okay, okay.

            [Foreign Language]

             Top-class place, sir.  Almost.

            Here you are. Thank you.

            Thank you, sir, and, please, sir, letís meet again.

            Call me personally by name, Parvez. Thatís me. Or at home.

            - Thank you very much. - Auf Wiedersehen, sir.

            [Man] Come on.

            Charlie, just wait. We're almost back to the hotel, okay?

             - Just slow down. Slow down, Charlie. - Aw, come on.

              Oh, give us a bit.

              - I say. - Hey. Hey, stop.

              - Stop. I'm goin' in my pants. - Do not water new upholstery, sir.

              Come on! Get out!

              - Come on, come on. - Hey. Fuck. Get the fuck off. Get off!

               I told a German about you.

              Rich-smelling, new in town.

              Ta very much. You'll be wanting commission next.

              - Am I later taking you home?  - He's paid for an all-night job.

              But I think he's lookin' a bit on the bright side.

              - I'll wait then.  - Will ya?

              Ta. How have you been?

              Same. You know, I liked our, uh...

              - What?  - Little talks.

              [Charlie Sighs]

              Please, sir, no smoking indoor.

              Smell is deafening.

              Oh, come on.

              - Go! - Don't touch me,

              in case I go left instead of right.

              Look straight ahead, sir. [Laughs]

              [Charlie Grunting]

               [Grunting Continues]

              [Grunting Quickens] Oh, fuck.

              For weeks I haven't slept for ten minutes.

              He throws away his things. He won't talk.

              Who would have sons? Thank you.

              Will you say something about what you noticed?

              I've been observing daily.

              I don't want to be some fool interfering with his freedoms.

              He gets easily rude with me now.

              His mother's side of the family. [Chuckles]

              Let me show you a place. I need the air.

              Surely there's air everywhere about.

              Come on. Itís not far.

              - Oh, Bettina. - Come on.


              Itís... [Panting] Itís magnificent!

              There were places back home I used to go.

              With a girl, actually.

              Uh... Hey?

               - Hey. - [Laughs]

              - [Screams, Laughs] - Careful.

              Oh! Oof!

              Oh! There are icicles going inside! Ah!

              Those trousers will have to come off.

              - Hmph.  - [Laughs]

               - [Dirt Falling On Paper]  - We can't afford new shoes.

              You're not a coolie to carry baggage through mud.

              There are many abnormal occurrences in the taxi business.

              Usually not involving a wet bottom.

              Hamid had to transport a tortoise in a box to Newcastle.

              I saw a strange building...

              which reminded me of the ruin near your grandfather's house in Multan.

              Take me there, "Papu."

              Minny, how has Fizzy done so well?

              He was always greedy for things.

              Ah, he was a greedy little boy.

               You are easily made happy...

              and like things always to be the same.

              Thatís why you never made a success.

              Not a success?

              - Driving taxi for    years is not a...  - All right.

              All right!

               [Angry Voices Arguing]

               [Door Slams]

               [Arguing Continues]

               - [Farid] Madelaine!  - [Madelaine] Don't walk away from me!

              - Just stand still, Farid. - Madelaine, stop embarrassing yourself.

               [Farid]Just why don't you...  Just go!

               - [Vacuum Whirring] - Now! I want you to go right now!

              Where is she going?

              - Why are you fighting? - Why do people fight?

              Whatís the problem here? Can I help you, Farid?


               Here's     now.  I'll give you the rest later, okay?

              Where's that going?

              You used to love making a terrible noise with these instruments.

              You always said there were more important things than "Stairway To Heaven."

              - You couldn't have been more right, Papa. - Where are you going?

              To college! Papa, go inside. You'll catch pneumonia.

              I have been driving       hours nonstop.

              Many times I have gone through the red light. Everywhere I'm hurting.

              Itís hell on wheels.

              - Don't do it for me. - Who else to do it for?



               [Woman]      Letís start with the ABC of it     

                       [Blues Band]

                   Roll right down to the XYZ of it     

                   Help me solve the mystery of it     


                   Teach me tonight     

               You know how you complain  when your food goes cold.

                    The sky's a blackboard     

                   High above you     

                   lf a shooting star goes by     

                   I'll use that star  to write "I love you"    

                   A thousand times across the sky    

               [Phone Ringing]

              Hello? Yes?

              Just a minute.

              Itís someone calling you. A shit.

              Shh! Minoo! Hello, Mr. Schitz.

              Coming, coming. Directly on call. Immediate service.

              I think we should have a party here.

              Mr. Schitz, here I had my first job in England.

               Fizzy and I, five years. Double shift,

              seven days a week.

              - But they wouldn't put me in their team.  - Team? What team?

              - The management team?  - No, no, cricket team.  We were the best players.

              I could spin a little. [Grunts, Laughs]

               [Laughing Continues]

              - What business are you doing here, sir?  - Out-of-town shopping.

              - Everything under one roof.  - Oh.

              The land and the labor is cheap, yeah?

              What was the name of that woman you recommended?

              - Bettina. - You tried her yourself?

              Sir, I just joke with them and all.

              [Man] Gettin' sociable at last, Parvez, eh?

               [Men Laughing]

              Hey, hey. Shh, shh.

              Fuck off, Parvez!

               [Woman] Hey, piss off!  You can't sit here!

              Shove it, you twat!

              Are all those people your colleagues?

              Sir, a lot of these drivers are very low-class types.

              They can hardly speak English.

              So you're better then?

              "Gentleman" is my code.

              And that stops you from enjoying women?

              There is respect, sir, but not degradation.

              Respect is no substitute for pleasure.

              What in life do you enjoy?

              Your family?

              I left mine.

              Thatís not a very nice thing, sir.

              What do you know about it?


              I think we boys are going to start to enjoy ourselves.

              Now couldn't you just kiss every part of her?

              Couldn't you just kick every part of him?

              [Laughing] Get her a drink, please.

              Like to have some lunch? Have some lunch.

              She's good. She's very good. Letís go.

               [Woman]  Thatís         .

               Thank you, sir.

              Excuse me. Uh, sorry. Urgent personal matter.


              Madelaine, Miss Fingerhut. FariÔs dad, Parvez and all.

              Excuse me.

              Food is waiting anytime. Why not come Sunday, eh?

              We've packed up.

              Engagement is off?

              He didn't tell you?

              Suddenly you don't like my boy?

              But I thought you were arranging a marriage for him?

               A month ago  he took me out to tell me.

              But all this time I have been preparing party.

              He wanted someone he had more in common with.

              I'll break open his face until he obeys.

              The best thing, I'll discuss this with your father.

              You don't know anythin', do ya?

               Farid told my father he was the only pig  he'd ever wanted to eat.


              - Bettina, your ride's here!  - [Bettina] Cheers!

              You bastard! You lyin', fuckin' bastard!

              - Hey, come on! - Givin' her a lift!

              Oh, Bettina always gets a ride, doesn't she? What about me?

              - Leave it! - You never give me a fuck... He never gives me a lift!

              - I don't give a shit! - You slag!

              Get in the fuckin' house! Shut your mouth!

              She always wants a ride. Never has any money.

              All her money goes into her arm.

              She even sold her floorboards.

              Well, you didn't buy any, did you? They're riddled like her.

              This is what drug types do?

              Look out for sweats, mood changes, frequent visits to the bog.

              Also, the eyes. Are they big or small?

              Bloodshot, tired, vacant? And his arms.

              Look out for blue veins, bruises and blisters.

              There you go.

              Itís better the other drivers don't know this.

              They're envious of Farid winning the prizes.

              But you've always seen what I'm so concerned about.

              Well, you talk about Farid a lot.

              The other drivers like to pretend they don't have families.

              He used to love his clothes.

              At weekends he worked in those fashion shops.

              I've never known a boy with such enthusiasm for ironing.

              I was worried he had gone homo. [Chuckles]

              - I told you he did some modeling. - Yeah.

              In London they wanted him.

              I thought anything he wants he can do.

              Now he has become...

              I never before cursed the day I brought us to this country.


               [Man]      I'm checking out of     

                   Hotel Loneliness     

                   All my lonely days     

              Why are you getting rid of these things?


              I can always tell when you've been reading "Daily Express."

               Farid! Do me "the credit here," yaar"?"

              Tell me something! Why make me into the fool?

              Madelaine not coming over tonight? Why not? Thatís what I'm asking here.

              - Where are you going? - To see Asad.

              I'll get your coat.

              Playing squash? Have you got rid of the racket I bought?

              I worked my ass off to pay for that! Overtime!

              All the time you shout and swear. Thatís why nobody speaks here.

              - Let him go, you useless idiot. - Useless?

              Who earns the money?

              I don't know what games you play out there in the mud.

              But itís practically nothing now.

              - Who spends it? - There's nothing to spend after all these years.

              - Look at Fizzy. His wife went on a cruise. - Ex-wife!

               All you do is hand my money  to your lazy relatives.  What are they eating there?

               - Diamonds? - I wish I were with them.

              Go then!

              I met Madelaine.

               Yes? What about the engagement?

              I am intending to marry.

              Yes? Madelaine is so nice.

              Minoo has written to all three people she knows in Lahore, announcing.

              I've asked trusted people for a suitable girl.

              You go to others secretly when I have handpicked Miss Fingerhut?

              You used to kiss her?

              Oh, stop it!

              Is it wrong to find out if our son is normal?

              Normal is not perverted like in your mind!

              - Keep quiet. - You might not have noticed.

              Madelaine is so different.

              - How? - Can you put "keema" with strawberries?

              In the end, our cultures... they cannot be mixed.

              Everything is mingling already together, this thing and the other.

              Some of us are wanting something more besides muddle.

              - What? - Belief, purity, belonging to the past.

              I won't bring up my children in this country.

                  [Blues Band]    

               [Man Chanting]

               [Chanting Continues]

               [Man] Bow down saying,  "Allah al Akbar. "

               Place your hands  on your knees and say...

               [Foreign Language]

               "Glory to my lord, the greatest, "  three times.

               This position is called...  [Foreign Language]


               [Man Chanting]

               [Chanting Continues]

               [Chanting Continues]


               [Chanting Stops, Arguing Continues]

               [Parvez]  Whatís doing here?

               [Man]  These boys are not welcome here.

              They're always arguing with elders.

              They think everyone but them is corrupt and foolish.

               [Man] But they're not afraid  of the truth. They stand for something.

              We never did that.

               [Chanting Resumes]

               [Radio Static]

               - [Man on Radio, Indistinct]  - [Clicking]

               [Man On Radio]  Car   . Come in, car   .

               Parvez, yeah, your call number is  asking for only you at Midland.

               [Foreign Language]  Get moving.

              Sorry, sir. Four minutes only held up.

              Tonight, little man, we are being accompanied.

               She's wearing  the finest cut tonight,

               cashmere, satin, silk.

               Don't you just love the sound  of silk on skin, huh?

               And her boots are shining.

              I call her Puss-In-Boots now.

               [Parvez]  Why you come to our town, sir?

              Oh, I wanted to try a strange and awful place...

              where everything was new to me.

              - How is it? - We'll see.

              Tonight we will experience Northern English culture.

              Ah, we'll be in bed by  :   then.

               - [Schitz] Come along, Parvez. Join us. - Oh, no, sir.

               I'll book you for the whole evening,  little man.

              Thatís right. You got no choice.


               [Man] My missus is going  through menopause.

               You know, they get a bit silly  at that period.

               She comes back  from the doctor's last week.

               She's had the new lesbian operation:

               A- Strap-a-dick-to-me.

               Whatís a-strap-a-dick-to-me?

              Strap a dick to me. Strap a dick to me?

              Oh! He strapped a dick to him.

              Apparently it was just a spastic trying to get to the bar for a drink.

              Bettina, you have no idea how relieved I am...

              that the weight of drugs have gone from my head.

              But why has he never discussed this new direction with me?

              We all need something to hold on to, don't we?

              Hey! Somebody farted. I can smell shit somewhere.

               Hey, itís Salman Rushdie himself.

               What you're smelling here,  folks, is a satanic asshole.

               If there's any of Rafsanjohnny's  mates in here,

              slip me a tenner and I'll shoot the bastard for ya.

              [Crowd Laughing Uproariously]

               If you fuckers all left town  on the same day, we'd have two  hours extra bleeding daylight.

               - You know why the fuckers smell so bad? - Piss off!

               - Give the blind a chance to avoid them. - You fuckin' bitch!

               I went to the doctor this  morning and said, "Got any more  sleeping pills for the wife?"

               - He says, "Why?" - Will you let us through, please?

              [All Chattering At Once]

              You should be more careful, Bettina.

              I like a plucky girl.

              So this is the celebrated Northern English culture?

              I will inform the police of this disgust.

              Hmph. They were sittin' at the next table.

               -     [Jazz]      - [Bettina] She says, "What?  Is this too kinky for you?"

              He says, "Oh, no, I already fucked your cat and shat in your handbag."

              Good. Now, bring here the dark younger pussy...

              - Oh! - I saw down at the corner right now.

              [Both Moaning]

              - Margot? What for? - To sing to me.

              - Can't Bettina sing? - No, her voice is too deep.

              Your pockets better be, Fritz. [Laughs]

              Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.

              Behind the wheel is my racket.

              Have you people got no ambition?

              The puss wants to work. I thought you immigrants were busy too.

              Sir, where has it got us?

              And how many of us are happy here?

              I feel sorry for you people. I really do.

              - I feel sorry for you. - [Laughing]

              Go ahead.

               [Snorting Continues]

              - What is it? - Itís good coke.

              - A drug?  - Thank God there's something  good in this town.

              - Not since you arrived.  - [Laughs]

              After a certain age there's no point in sayin' no to everything.

              There's a good drink for you.

              Enjoy yourself with Bettina when I'm finished.

              I see how you look at her, huh? She's delicate, isn't she?

              How all... how all the parts of women sing out.

              Come. Come. Run along, little man.

              Bring back the black beauty for double fun.

              The quality of pussy is not strained.

              It falleth from street corners like sweet rain.

              My English is actually better than yours.

              Hmm.     [Whistles]    

              Thatís tragic, that is.

               [Schitz Shouts, Bettina Squeals]


              Now, come on!

              Shit. Damn it.

              Thanks for helping me out.



               You talk about the lad a lot,  but you never talk about yourself.

              I had all these questions I've wanted to ask you.


              We were like children when we came.

              The thing is, my father used to send me for instruction...

              with the "Maulvi," the religious man.

               But the teacher had  this bloody funny effect.

              Whenever he started to speak or read, I would fall dead asleep.

              Bang! [Snores]

              Naturally I also annoyed him...

              by asking why my best friend, a Hindu,

              would go to "kaffiir," hell, when he was such a good chap.

              His eyes would bulge fully out.

               He would clip my arms and legs  with the cane until blood came.

              But it took no effect. Still I would drop off.

               He selected another solution.  He took a piece of string...

              and tied it from the ceiling to my hair here.

              When I dropped off, I would wake up like thus.

              After such treatment I said good-bye permanently to next life...

              and said hello to... work.

              But you can't blame the young for believing in something beside money.

              You've got to give Farid a better philosophy.

              - What type? - I don't know.

              How do you feel about things?

              The purpose of life, all that.

               How we should treat each other.

              Good, I think, where possible.

              But I can't explain the origin of universe.

              I'm full.

              See you tomorrow.

              Hey, call me Sandra when we're alone.

              This is the password, yeah, to you?


              I don't know when I last kissed a man.

              Do you mind?

               [Door Closes]

              [Foreign Language]

               [Man] Disease-ridden, filthy whore.  Look at her!

               So, our brothers, Allah's given us the  earth and all things natural within it.

               Itís all gifts. We have to look  after every single little thing.

              I've informed Fizzy we are going tonight to his place.


              there's a meeting for some friends.

              Isn't it written that you will respect your father?

                  [Blues Band]    

              [Man]     If I    

                  Attend church all day Sunday    

                  Yes, and cabaret all day Monday    

                   Ain't nobody's business if I do     

              I'll tape this for you.

              Or did you sell the player?

                   Lf I     

              - You're drinking already?  -     Stay out all night     

              I'll be waiting.

              "Papu," I have such hopes for this evening.

              It has been so long since we had a little enjoyable chatterbox.

              What a magnificent joint.

              Bloody old Fizzy has done good.

              What a handsome big man he's grown into.


              Is he good?

              Lately he's been having some funny ideas.

              - We must straighten him out. - And with engagement party coming up.


              Many thanks,"yaar," for the German.

              Those krauts certainly stuff themselves up.


              - Mmm! Tasty. - Ah!

              [Foreign Language]

              Mmm! More tasty!

              [Foreign Language]

              - Mmm! Extra tasty! - Boy, have a look.

              Bloody old Fizzy.

              But as your mother correctly confirms independently,

              he's greedy and all.

              Tonight you eat and drink as my guests.

              - No, no, Fizzy... - Without any quibble.

              Wedding present,"yaar."

              If I had known it was free, I would have missed lunch.

              I tell everyone, eat here and you will never be constipated again.

              We will bring a good selection.

              Good, full selection. He's my only son.

              Have a beer with Dad?

              Seriously, these English...

              You would be a fool to run them down.

              - I have been thinking seriously.  - Good.

              - Good.  - They say integrate.

              But they live in pornography and filth...

               and tell us how backward we are.

              There's no doubt, compared to us, they can have funny habits and all.

              A society soaked in sex.

              Not that I have benefited.

              Papa, I want you to do something for me.

              Have I refused you one thing?

              Papa, there's a wise "Maulvi" from Lahore. He's a good man.

              We've invited him to offer us a little instruction.

               Can't he stay a few days?

               - In our house? - If you would give your permission.

              He can stay?

              Our house is open.

               This is why you left Madelaine?

              Her father, Chief Inspector Fingerhut of the police force.

              - Papa! - I don't want this anti-Fingerhut face.

              But you are reminding me of something disgustin'.

               The girl is okay, but Fingerhut...

               Couldn't you see how much  he hated his daughter bein' with me?

              And how... repellent he found you?

              I never want to see those people again!

              All right.

               If this is reality,  that I am disgusting,

              that I've never been a good man,

              and I've never done anything worthwhile, I must face it.

               After all, you have observed me  for a long time.

               But tell me, at least you are  keeping up with your studies?

              Papa, there are suffering men in prison who require guidance.

               What guidance?

              If they are inside, they must be fools.

              Papa, I've never met men more sincere and thirsty for the spirit.

               And accountancy... Itís just capitalism  and taking advantage.

              You can't succeed in it unless you go to the pub and meet women.

              Fool! You are beginning to irritate my ass! Whatís wrong with women?

              Many lack belief and therefore reason.

               Papa, the final message  is a complete guidance.

              - One thing I know!  - Please!

              Itís not too late. I beg ya...

               to seek Allah's forgiveness  for your mistakes.

              Please, boy, don't go too far in this!

               No, it is you who have swallowed  the white andJewish propaganda...

              that there is nothing to our lives but the empty accountancy for things, for nothing!

              I am swallowing nothing but brother Fizzy's dinner!

              - And it will give me indigestion now! - Parvez!

              But a wasp has gone into your gullet!

              Parvez, for GoÔs sake. Mayor is sitting over there! Eat!

              I have lost my appetite.

              This boy is massacring my life!

              I've never seen him like this.

              Leave me! I can walk.

              A drinking taxi driver is a bloody fool!

              Who gave him the alcohol?

              - Parvez. - Papa, come on.

              Parvez... What?

              Little man, you are everywhere.

              - Hello. - Hello, little man.

              This is him.

              I'm organizing a party for business acquaintances.

              Your friend here, he can fix the food,

              but I can leave the girls to you, yeah?

              For diversification.

              But only the best puss-in-boots, like Bettina.

              Your father talks about you "nonstop," as he puts it.

              - Your exams are going well then? - Yeah.

              - And what will you do later? - Something good.

              - Well, I hope so. - And you?

              How do you know Dad?

              Oh, I see him about.

              Why? What do you do?

              I'm in industry.


              He'll look after you, sir.


              - Come on, Papa. - Leave me alone!

              - Parvez. - Haven't you destroyed me already?

              Rear seat, "yaar!"

              Letís not lose your license, too.

              [Foreign Language]

              [Engine Revving]

              You think you are smart, mister?

               I know what it is.


              I loved your company as a baby...

               and as a boy.

               I would get out of my bed  only to look at your face.

              For you, it was just growing up.

              And for me, the best of life itself.

              I'm going ahead with all the arrangements.

              He agreed?

              He's beginning to see things from another point of view.

               [Vacuum Cleaner Whirring]

              Uncle. Uncle-ji. Uncle-ji...

              - Huh? - What? [Foreign Language]

              What? [Groans]

              Oh, God.

               [Whirring Continues]

              Don't miss a bit.

              And do my shoes while you're down there.

               [Men Talking]



              Don't scratch my bonnet! Whatís this?

              Surely you remember.

              [Horn Honks]

              Get dressed, Papa.


              Is it what you want, or what they have ordered you to do?

              - Papa, you gave your word. - Put him in the hotel, the Midland.

              - I can get special rate. - More boasting.

              He will stir up the pots.

              You don't know what these religious people are like,

              - imposing mad ideas. - Papa, the people are thirsty. Thirsty!

              I am beginning to feel bloody thirsty.

              [Engine Starts]


               [Chattering Continues]

               [Farid] That extremely tall chimney  on the left...

              perfectly symbolizes the overblown ego of the British industrialists...

              in the   th century.

              It were built that high so that smoke from it...

              would blow over the house of one of his rivals.

              Actually, the Ayatollah Khomeini wore a robe made here.

              The place where it were manufactured used to be on the right.

              Unfortunately, it were demolished some year ago.

               [Farid]  Wrong way.

              Let him see the true life,"yaar?"

              On our left is, uh...

              Hey, Parvez!

               [Farid] In the West, everywhere  there is immorality.

              And yet you take no action?

               Wild spice and variety of life  goes everywhere,

              like in Lahore and Karachi,"yaar?"

               - [Cartoon Continues] - [Laughing]

              Can I get you something?

              To be honest, I'm a little chilly.

              Chilly? He's chilly.


              I'll get the fan heater.

               - [Phone Rings] - [Laughing]

              Where is it, the heater?


              Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm only driver.

              But I'm arranging everything with red-hot tarts "tout de suite."

               - [Cartoon Continues] - Yes, yes. I know the place.


              Yes, yes.

              You've thrown away my bottle?

              What am I working for if I can't even wet my mouth?

              When you drink, you play that music.

               Whatís wrong with Louis Armstrong?

              - You don't know. - Itís too trumpety.

              The German likes me to dress well.

               I must start getting like Farid...

              and his long-beard best friend.

              Laying down the law for other people.

               I don't know how you can talk  to that man without wanting to...

              give his whiskers a hard tug.

              I might do it myself.

              Then we will see what is underneath.

              I'll tug so.


                   Lf you're gonna give me  good kisses like that     

                   Honey, don't you know I'm  gonna give 'em right back     

                   'Cause thatís a kissin'good way     

                   Ah, thatís a kissin'good way     

               -      Thatís a kissin'good way       -     Now thatís a kissin'good way     

                   Mess around and fall in love     

                   Don't mess around  Don't mess around     

              - Taxi! - Not for hire or sale.

                   Don't mess around  Just hug me right     

              How beautiful you look tonight, my love.

                   Bet your bottom dollar  I'm with you, Dinah     

                   Thatís a huggin'good way         

              This is the bloody life, huh?


              I'm so happy to get out of that house.

              Farid says the cultures cannot mix.

              Jesus, they can't keep apart.

              This is my first friend, Fizzy.

              - And who is this friend? - Uh, Bettina... Uh, Sandra.


              We are fully booked here.

              [Foreign Language]

              Um, let me see. [Chuckles]

              Where have I seen that tart?

              She came with the German who ate the whole kitchen, and then said it was too salty.

              - Hmm.  -     [Continues]    

              - Okay. - Good.

              Next door. Everything is all right there.

               [Silverware Clattering]

              I made a resolution to try something new every day.

              - Mm-hmm. - I even signed up for evening classes.

              - In what? - Singing.

              - Singing? - Mmm.

              Oh, good idea. In school I loved the hymns.

              - Yeah? - One thing I regret.

              Farid wanted to study music and arts and all.

              I didn't listen, but forced him into science and maths.

              - That caused resentment. - [Chuckles]

              You look like a hamster.


              I'm not used to being looked at with curiosity.

              Nor me, really.

              When you meet a new person, you don't know where you are.

               Itís like there's...


              So why did you come here?

              To feed my family only.

              I never saw further.

              You've been a dreamer.

              I wanted to be a teacher.

               But me children were too young.

               Then me man died. I had debts.

              I had a friend who was doing this.

              If you had the choice, what would you do?

              Itís been so long since I've thought about anything.


               What is date for engagement booking?

              At the moment, Fizzy brother,

              I am completely engaged and fully booked elsewhere.

              "- Parvez," yaar.  - Whole question of "engagement is off," yaar,

              for the time being, at the moment, for now.


              I am stuffed up far into the rear end.

              The boy doesn't like the girl, and the girl is fighting with...

              Boy? You are giving Fingerhut the finger?

              But we were expecting community policing at last.

              Whatís happened to your eyebrows?

              I'm sorry. I can't stay.


              All this is new?

              Big Shitís paying.

               [Zipping Sound]

              You're seeing him often.

               Saves me from seeing anyone else.

              You don't talk to him?

              Thatís not what he wants, no.

              And those bruises?

              That him, too?

              Look, I think I look excellent.

              If you don't like it, you can go.

               Well, go on!

              You like me today, don't you?

               Because sometimes  you're not so sure.

              Do you know why you like me?

              Itís only that I can't help thinking...

              that you are a magnificent, special woman.

              Itís a feeling I want to push away.

              Makes me feel good...

              and as if I'm going mad.

              You know what I've always wanted to do?


              Does your wife do that?

              Why are you asking?

              'Cause itís something I can't help thinking about.

              She's too bloody ugly.



              I lie in bed with the music on...

              when I think of you.

              I get a warm feeling in my stomach...

              and I have to close me eyes.


              These people are even taking over our bed?



              Where's your mother?

              Busy in the kitchen, I think.

              We always eat together as a family.

               Otherwise we would see  one another even less.


              I won't eat without you!


              [Shouting Continues]

              Look, just fuck off, you sodding do-gooders!

               [Woman] We've got every  fucking right! Every right to be here!

               - [Shouting]  - Look, just sod off!

              - Yes, yes.  - [Phone Rings]

              Bridge Taxis, Bridge Taxis. Itís on its way. I'm sorry about the delay.

               I'm on urgent business.  Tonight, later, I will work.

              But you must get me two drivers.

               Taking your girlfriend  somewhere nice?


              Whatís her name? Uh, Bettina. Everybody says...

              Everybody says nothing! Bloody fools!


              [Women Laughing]

              - Dirty bastard. - [Laughing]

              They are the top pillars of the whole community.

              Pillocks, more like.

              Don't drop the food.

              Margot, I am observing naughty fingers.

              - Keep them for nimble uses later. - Nimble uses.

              So, whatís going on between you and Bettina then, eh?


              - What has she told you? - She won't tell us nothing.

              Thatís how we know itís serious.

              Silly girls. Imagine romances everywhere.

              - What makes you think she likes me? - She doesn't.


              But when she mentions you, she smiles a little bit.

               You're not like your son, then?

              That lad and his people look at you like scum...

              and they frighten the punters.

              - What do they say? - Abuse.

               A little one was beaten up.

              Dirty bastards took her up to the moors and did her all over.

              She were only   . No one touches me.

               - Everyone touches you. - Oh, shut up!

              - [Laughing] - How many times has my boy been there?

               A few.

              I apologize for his behavior. He's got many problems.

               Why's he taking it out on us?

               [Taxi Radio: Indistinct]

              Welcome, delicious tarts.

              Everything is ready but for you.

              This way, please. You look wonderful tonight.

               [Schitz]  Whatís the matter, little man?

              - Everyone is thirsty.  - [Woman] You can say that again.

               Why don't you get the drinks?  Get the drinks!


              - Don't ever do that to me again! - [Schitz Laughing]


              [Kissing Sound]

               [Laughing]  Get the drinks.

                   [Techno Rock]    

              [Foreign Language]

               [Shouting, Cheering]

                   [Techno Rock Continues]    

               [Whistling, Shouting]

               [Whistling, Shouting]

              [Bottles Clinking]

              [Foreign Language]

              [Foreign Language]

              Get going. Otherwise I'll swipe you with my bat.

              [Foreign Language]

              Good show, girls.

              Come along, love. Back to the hotel.

              I'm going with this one.

              He can't afford your prices.

              I'll have to make do with you then. Come.


              She's very hard to satisfy, little man.

              [Door Slams, Engine Starts]

              I love you looking after me.

              Here. Lie on top of me a little while.

              - I must go. - I want to hold you.



              Mmm. Sandra.

              No. You must stay.

              I wish I could. Let me go.

              No! Why should I?

              Come on.

               [Zipping Sound]

               [Light Switch Clicks]

              Again you're muddy.

              Schitz is getting my full value.


              Today I received a nice tip.

              What will you do with it?

              - Put it away for a better time. - You know,

              I want to take you to that place I saw.

              Can't we go on Sunday?

              Itís the first time you've asked me to go out,

              and I am gonna be too busy.

              - Doing what? - Looking after some things.

               [Men Chattering]


               [Chattering Continues]

              - Right. Sort those out. - No violence.

              No violence. No violence.

               [Chattering Continues]

              [Phone Beeps]


              One word, please.

               I'm in need of some legal advices.

              My work is here, so I will stay.

              And bring your family?

              You knew that?

              You are so patriotic about Pakistan.

              Itís always a sign of imminent departure.

               Look, can you help me?

                The point is, there are many who reject the teaching.

                They close their minds and choose atheism.

                 And thinking that bread is  all that man needs to live by...

                 and that the sky is empty.

                 But right conduct is possible,

                 provided that the preacher  advises and warns...

                 that in the military  industrial state,

                 that the greatness of GoÔs guidance  is essential in guaranteeing repentance.

                 - Loss of faith in all areas  is common here. - Farid!


                 - [Chattering] - Farid!

                Whatís the matter?

                 Now I will never pay off mortgage.

                 - I'll get a glass of water. - I can't breathe!

                 A few pounds is worth it  for what we're trying to achieve.

                 The house price will go up  once the tarts have gone.

                - One of the little ones was beaten up on the moors!  - [Phone Ringing]

                Propaganda. Why are you taking their side?

                 - [Phone Ringing] - Your great long-beard friend wants to stay...

                 in this immoral country!

                Knowing of my Fingerhut connections,

                he wants me to help him with the immigration!

                The German is calling you.

                Can you believe this?

                They say you've lost control of him.

                The boy will grow less zealous when he improves overall.

                Everyone says it was him personally...

                who invited this man into your house.

                They are agitated,"yaar," and complaining to me like mad.

                 If he doesn't bugger off, I will  report him to immigration authorities.

                Fizzy friend, I have never come to you before.

                Yes, yes. Shut up.

                But I haven't signed.

                You came with that tart here.

                 The community is small,

                but the big mouths say you two are doing something together.

                All the drivers are up to it, everybody in England.

                 - Full time, in fact. - You have never been cheap, "yaar," but she?

                Even you, friend, are divorced. Let me...

                 She is an old whore even  a taxi driver could afford!

                Everybody fucks her, thousands of dicks!

                - [Foreign Language] - Minoo's parents paid my fare to England.

                - I came to your wedding! - I know, I know.

                You will stop seeing this woman. Otherwise...

                Stick it in your backside. I won't beg, Fizzy!

                You don't like this woman, do you?

                What else is there for me but sitting behind that wheel without tenderness?

                Thatís it for me, is it, until I drop dead? Not another human touch?

                 You are too certain  of what everyone else should do.

                - Go to hell! - [Foreign Language]


                Parvez! Ali! Ali! Parvez!

                Here, Parvez, here. Here! Here.

                [Radio: Indistinct]

                 [Schitz] Well, I'm really glad  to be moving on, little man.

                The women are the one good thing about this town.


                What the hell is all this?

                What are these bloody people doing now?

                [Men Shouting]

                You bloody idiot!

                Look out.


                 [Schitz] Where are you going?  I'll miss my flight.

                Special shortcut, sir.

                What are they doing here?

                 Oh, no.

                 We have no time for this.

                Now turn around.

                 Turn around and go back.  Turn around now!


                - Don't get out! - [Shouting]




                You fuckers!


                Rashid, you fucking maggot dick!


                [Screaming, Shouting]

                Fuck off! Aah!



                Indian fuck! Fuck!

                Dad, what are you doing here?

                 [Man]  Get out of there!

                She's a dirty whore!

                She's a dirty, filthy whore!

                She's a dirty, filthy whore!


                - Who the hell is he? - Out of my car, sir.

                Get out of my car!

                Put those back! Are you crazy?


                 [Screaming, Shouting Continue]

                 [Trunk Slams Shut]

                 [Siren Blaring]



                 Parvez!  Parvez, open the door!


                - Get this crap out. - No.

                 He could beJesus Christ himself,  but he is leaving!

                - If you shame me, I'm going away too!  - All right.

                I won't stand for the extremity of anti-democratic and anti-Jewish rubbish!

                And he eats too much!

                 Only the corrupt would say  itís extreme to want goodness!

                There is nothing of God in spitting on a woman's face!

                 This cannot be the way  for us to take!

                Why are you so interested in dirty whores?

                What nonsense is this?

                You do it to one of them, don't you?

                 - Itís been going on for... - Farid!

                - Answer! - You listen to the gossip of fools!

                 - They know you better than we do. - Would they be drivers if they were not ignorant fools?

                We drive the women and they pay us.

                Itís all around. Everyone says so.

                It makes me feel sick to have such a father.

                 [Sobbing]  I never thought you were such a man.

                 You are a pimp  who organizes sexual parties.



                You call me a fanatic, dirty man.

                Who's the fanatic now?

                 [Minoo]  Parvez! Parvez!

                 [Door Breaks]

                You've killed him!

                 - Farid! - He'll recover, I'm afraid.


                Papa, please, don't let him go.

                He will do what he wants.

                I'll be here alone like the Englishwomen, waiting to die.

                Minoo, just tell me, what can I do to make you happy?

                If you just tell me once, then I'll know for good.

                Is it true you have a friendship with one of those women?

                Yes, a friendship.

                Filthy, selfish man.

                Friendship is good, Minoo.

                 I think it can be found...

                in the funniest of places.

                 All this time I stayed  here to serve you,

                and you were out laughing with low-class people.

                What a fool I've been made into.

                 - What a waste!  - [Footsteps]

                 - [Door Closes] - Go.

                 Go to him!

                Go! Go!

                [Glass Shatters]

                Remember two things.

                There are many ways of being a good man.

                And I will be at home.

                Will you come and see me?

                I'll see everyone who loves me.

                My brothers and sisters and all.

                I have done nothing wrong.

                - I know I haven't.  - Yes.

                One unforgivable thing.

                Put self before family.

                Oh, God, yes.

                The first time, but not the last.

                Is it because of her that you won't come?


                Perhaps one day the boy will tire of his moral exertions and will need me.

                 I'll wait.  You will come home?

                Do you want me to?

                If you want to.

                Otherwise I'll come and get you.

                Itís too late now for us to be parted for good.

                No, itís not.

                I can tell you have lost your feeling for me.

                 [Birds Chirping]


                I have managed to destroy everything.

                I've never felt worse...

                or better.

                Can't we leave?

                - Where? - I thought India.


                For a few weeks, Parvez, you... You could show me the good places.

                We can live cheaply, everyone says.

                Thatís a young people's thing,"yaar."

                Why have you never been back?


                No time, no money.

                Come away. Itís a chance.

                Otherwise, what will we do but the same thing every day?

                You put such ideas in my head.


                Thatís good.

                What do you want?

                More than I've ever had before.

                Your face.

                Your hands.


                All of you.


                I want you.

                 [Record Player Clicks On]


                     Heaven, please send     

                      To all mankind     


                     And peace in mind     

                     But if itís not askin'too much     

                     Please send me someone to love     

                     Someone to love     

                     Show the world how     

                      To get along     

                     Peace will enter     

                      When hate is gone     

                     But if itís not askin'too much     

                     Please send me someone to love     

                     Please send me someone to love     

                     I lay awake nights     

                     And ponder world troubles     

                     And my answer is always the same     

                     That unless man put an end     

                     To this damnable sin     

                     Hate will put the world  in a flame     

                      What a shame     

                     Just because I'm     

                     In misery     

                     I don't beg for     

                     No sympathy     

                     But if itís not askin'too much     

                     Please send me someone to love     

                     Please send me someone to love    


Special help by SergeiK