My Wife Is An Actress Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the My Wife Is An Actress script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Yvan Attal movie with Charlotte Gainsbourg (Ma femme est une actrice).  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of My Wife Is An Actress. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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My Wife Is An Actress Script




My name is Yvan.



I'm 35 a sports reporter..

I'm either in a stadium,



or here, the news room

of Info-Sport TV.



My chances of meeting

an actress were 12 -1.



When I met Charlotte,



I saw only her.



Now I realize living with an actress

is a crazy thing.



What do you put

when you sign an autograph?



Depends. "Kisses."







-Stop fucking around.




- Not at all.



I catch you writing sex...



Like when I'm in London

you won't imagine...



You're so lucky.

I love that actor.



-That doofus?

- He's great!



I can't talk to you.



- He's fabulous.

- He's bald.






Calm down, honey.



We're going to be auntie and uncle!.



What's this "auntie" business?



What do you say? Aunt?



Don't start.



-A good uncle would say quit smoking.

-After I defend you!



He's right. You should quit.



Enough. Now I feel guilty.



-You should.




You always feel guilty.



You're more Jewish

than your brother.



What's that mean?



What's that?



Guilty, Jewish...

They married? Why are we guilty?



I didn't say that.



You always bring up Jews.

Someone always does.



   tables here,

all burning to talk of Jews.



Something wrong?



-See, her problem...

- It's your problem!



Just like with the names!



Could we have an autograph?



He likes Jean, Jules.



It's a boy? You know?



We don't know yet. But...



I like Abraham.



That's your right.



I just hope he's not born

with a beard.



She likes Moses, too.



It's virile. Moses is virile.



Where are you going?



- Bathroom. Am I allowed?




Ten quarts of water

a day for her figure!



- Don't like my figure?

-Sure I do.



These autographs get to you?



Get to me? Drives me fucking nuts!



She's nuts. So am I

for putting up with it. But how long?



You love her, put up with it.



Love my sister? Put up with her!



She doesn't sign autographs.



Or drink    quarts of water a day!



Next guy asks for an autograph

I grab him...



Was that Miss Charlotte...?



- Mrs.

-Could I have an autograph?



For my daughter.



Sure. She'll be right back.



-Where were we?

- Next guy who asks...



Waiting here?



My daughter's sick. She has ALS.






I mean, I understand.



She'll be right back.



-Go to a game?




A cab.

We really should.



We'll go when you want.

Just call me.



Don't hesitate.



Don't you open the door

for my sister?



The whole family in the cab.



Feel like walking?



Here's a cab.



Come on. I want to walk.



-Why so fast?

- I have to pee!



Excuse me, all right if I smoke?



Can't you read?



You're angry.



A bit much, with the names.



See? You're angry.



No, but how do I look?



It's not me. It's our problem.



Let's ask your brother.



Can't this wait until we're home?



Why not say it?



Because there is no problem.



If it's a boy, he's circumcised.



Smoke if you want to.



I can't believe I have to leave now.



London's not that far away.



-Come with me.

- I have work.



But I'll come see you.



How about around the   th?



The   th? Why the   th?



Uncle's fine, Dad is better.



What's wrong?



It's Charlotte!



Holy shit!



Great! How about an autograph?






Who has paper?



A picture OK?



Yeah! A picture!



Could you take it?

Just open the little door.



-The little door?

- Right.



I've seen all your movies. Wow.



Don't move, girls!



No exaggeration.

It can be hard to take.



It taught me stuff

about curious people.



Like this young woman,



who'd never have noticed

my, sex-symbol quality



without my, celebrity wife.



That made me a fantasy, object, too.



Equal, sure, but there are drawbacks.



Yeah, right. I agree.



Seewhat I mean?



Sure, yeah.



I didn't take advantage.



Well, not in that way,.



Oh shit!



License and registration.



Car yours?



My wife's and mine.

You'll see on the registration.



May I see your ID?






Thanks a lot.



-You can't help yourself.

-This guy's a retard.



Look at them. Unbelievable.



Blah, blah. Look at them.

They're having fun.



I'll let you go this time.






Put your seatbelt on.






So... good night.



One film just out, another

shooting in London, starting...






Tomorrow? You never stop!



And you're shooting with

an incredible actor.



Who is very attractive.



Why did I say that?



No matter.



He's an artist. A real artist.



I mean a complete artist.

Who also paints, right?



I haven't seen his stuff..



How's it feel to star with him?



I'm very excited.



How's it feel to star with him?



I'm very excited.



Shit. Sorry, I...



Always stop at the wrong moment.



Do you mind if I..?



How's it feel to star with him?



I'm very excited.



It's me.



You home?



- Here I am!

-You scared me.



- How are you?

-And you?



As long as you're here...



Watch it.



-What's up?

- I'm packing.



- Make dinner?

- I'm exhausted!



Some women have real jobs,

hard work,



and they always make dinner.



Some men, too!



I'm fucking around.



Yeah, well, I don't like it.



I'm fucking around!



Plus, I'm sure you're serious.



-You don't care about my job.

-That's not true.



See the film yet?



You didn't even go!



I was going to. I'm going to.



I said I'm going to.



You look so cute in that hat.



Call Chez Lorette and reserve.



-Are we going out?

- I leave tomorrow.



Exactly, let's kick back.

I'll make you a nice dinner.



I feel like eating out.

I'll get ready.



Oh, shit.



Hi, I'd like a table, please.



Not before midnight?!

OK, right. Thanks.



Not before midnight. Give me a break.



Hi, It's Charlotte.



Fine, and you?



Could I reserve for tonight,

about nine-ish?



Great! Thanks a lot.



See you later. Bye.



I don't believe it.



That gets me so pissed off..



Could you wear that suit I like?



All dolled up!



I'm dressing nice for you.



Come here.



The penguin tie's not great.

And the shirt...



What's wrong with it?



I don't know.



- I take it off?




Hurry, up.



Take your pants off too.



Want to stay in?



Love me?



Of course, I love you.



I love you. so much.



Take that off..






- Hello?

- It's me.



See the film?






Great... Really good.







- Nothing.

- Come on.



Tell me more.



I'm telling you.. Good.

Everyone says you. were great.



- Really?

- I'm telling you.



- What ?

- I was talking to an assistant.



-Who's he?




Whata pain in the ass she is.



It's like she's afraid I'll fly away.



So what's John like?



- Real nice.

- What does that mean?



Flirting with you?



Got to go. They're waiting.



- Love you.

- Me, too.



With a baby,

the play-acting is lover.



It'll work itself out.



You never thought of this before?



Find out if it's a boy.



-What's the difference?

-You'll circumcise a girl?!



Look, the problem is...



There's only a problem

If it's a boy.



For now, you don't know.



So next ultra-sound, you ask.

If it's a girl, you have time.



It's even money.



- Maybe you're right.

- I am right.




-That dummy.



I should've married him -

he was after me.



A nice Jewish boy.






How are you?



Fine and you?



Been so long. What're you doing?



Having tea with my brother.



Yvan, Georges...



We met. Ata friend of Sandrine's.






How long?



Since March.






I would have liked to be the dad.



I saw your wife's movie.



- Like it?

-Yeah, great.



Could I ask a question?



Does it bother you

being with an actress?



What's your wife do?



Dentist. Thank God.



- Doesn't it bother you?

-She doesn't sleep around.



Like mine does?



Well, that's her job.



No, that's whore.



No fucking around. I'm intrigued

by your being with an actress.



Is he stupid?



-Should've married you.




What intrigues you?



You don't mind her

kissing guys in films?



Sleeping with them?

They do lots of takes.



-You needling me?

- I'm intrigued.



He's intrigued.



It's not real.



What's not real?



It's make-believe. It's movies.



I'm not an idiot. I see movies.



When they kiss, they kiss.

Tongues and all.



We've known each other   minutes.



I don't want to bother you,

but really.






when a guy gets shot...



You're intrigued, I'll explain.



He's got a gun. You think it's real,

but there are no bullets.



It's a make-believe shooting,

phony blood.



But the guy doesn't die.

It's a movie.



I'm not a retard.



Two guys shooting is not kissing.



Guys kissing is disgusting.



I mean a guy and a girl.

That's different.



Real mouths, real tongue.

That's not guns.



Last night even I got hard.

Imagine the actor!



No, really. Incredible.



I couldn't stand it.



I'm glad my girl gets you hard.



I need hot water.



Coffee for me.



How about this? How about her

being naked in a movie?



Just that we see her naked.

For real.



That doesn't piss you off?



No, it doesn't.



OK, you're taking it bad.



I was intrigued.



Not anymore. It doesn't piss me off..



Can I ask you something?



Your wife's a dentist?



Am I naked at work?



What's there to see?



Quit fucking around!

Listen. I'm serious here.



It bothers you?



Of course. How'd you like it

If I did girls all day?



-Wriggling around?

-What is it? Are you nuts?



Just call me a whore!



What's the difference?



The difference?



When you kiss a guy in a film...


            don't really kiss him.



Don't give me that.



You physically kiss him.



It's real.



Know what? You're right.



When I kiss in a movie, I kiss.

I give it all I have.



Think that's easy?



Hey, pay me to kiss girls.



It's hard!



You don't choose the actor.



You don't always feel like it

when you act.



I said when you act..



Wait, let me finish.



You shoot a love scene at   AM



and the guy has garbage breath,

you have to act in love.



"Oh, my love!"



And he's got diaper breath!



Ever think of that?



Then you regret you're an actress.



Maybe I don't want to kiss that guy



at   AM

If that's your problem.



-Who do you want at   AM?

- I'm not talking to you!



Who do you want to kiss? Me?



So kiss me.



You kiss me.



What if it's De Niro?



Then I love my job,

even at   AM.






You should go to the Tate Modern.



The what?



It's a museum.

With a great modern art collection.






-You, if it's not soccer...

- If it's not soccer,



and it's not you, darling,

then I don't care.



Like I have time.



-You do nothing.

- Right.



Now you look like your sister.



You'resure? You want to know?

Should I tell you?






It's a boy. All is well.

You can get dressed.



Great. A little boy!



Don't pretend.



True. For a dad,



nothing like a girl.



No. Dr. Djaoui, you're Jewish.



-Quit it.




-Talk now?

- He's a doctor.



Let's talk to a goy doctor.



That exists?



So he'll feel Jewish and inadequate?



Right, so let him decide

to do it or not.



At a certain age, It's hard.



That'll be a measure

of how Jewish he feels.



Could you do it now?



Why have my, dick cut?!



To have one like your son.



I want him to have one like mine.



Your son in your own image?

Like you're God?



Why shouldn't he?



Get circumcised.



I'm serious.



On the way home from the game.



Pass me the phone,

I'll make an appointment.



What's it listed under?



Hello? Yeah, your sister's nuts.



Let me talk.



Yeah, it's me. So?



Great. It's a boy.



That's great.



She's crazy!



Watch your mouth!



OK, this is a bad time.



That's a big help.



Stop it already.



Come to me for help.



What's the problem?



I don't have one, do you? Bye.



OK, bye.



See you later.



Have a good day.



My wife's in a cult.



The cult of the  th art.



The great cinematic family.



I never understood

that phrase, but now...



now I understand.



- It's me.

- How are you?



And you?



I was going to call.



- I left you     messages.

- I was going to.



This is ridiculous, Yvan.



For you. Not for me.



Can I explain?



Can I?



I'm listening.



I had a fight with David.



It was a stupid idea...



It was the love scene.

I wasn't comfortable.



I went to David and asked him...



Anyway, he said he wanted.

to shoot the scene.



So I said,if everyone's naked,

I will undress.  I was just talking.



I wasn't serious.



I'm listening.



No, that's it. It's as...



As silly as that.






Honestly,, no.



I don't understand.



But I'm not an artist.

Maybe I'm a little



narrow-minded, but...



I don't understand.



Your job is...



Just a little weird.



I'll get used to it.



I like my job.



Sure, well everyone's naked...






I love you,

but I want to keepworking.



I hate the phone.

I said I love you.



I love you, too.



A vision of horror.

They were all nude.



- No way.

-On Mom's head!



She wants a kid.

"Let's go see Mom at work."



They're all hysterical wackos.



I should take drama lessons.

To understand the trip.



You should. Good idea.



Yvan, how are you?



And you?



I don't know why,

but she's not very warm.



Go stuff your naked actor stories.



Your son is Jewish,

because his mother is.



For the Jews.



For the goys, too.

Enough to send him to the camps!






Dirty Jew!.



Why are you interested in theater?






I like the theater.






We have a tradition here.



We always start someone out



with sort of an improv.



Please give us

the birth of a flower.



- Birth of a flower?

- Right.



Any flower?



It's up to you.



It's hot.



It's very hot.



Excuse me!



I loved your flower.




-Yeah, really.



You blew me away.



I never did a flower.

This was my first.



- No.

- My first.



It was kind of fresh.

Something, I don't know.



I was thinking, if you want,

we could do a scene together.



Sure. That would be great.



Want to come with us for coffee?



I can't right now.



Next time.



OK, next time.



I too am charmed, Colette.



How sweet.



I take pleasure in you.



I daren't note it too well



lest I reciprocate.



'Tis hardly decent to say it so.



See how hurriedly she goes!



She almost does it gladly,

which is bad for me.



It hardly pleases me!



Why incite me then?



Why rush to love M. Merlin?



Do you love?






I am obliged to



since I'm supposed to in the play.



And I'm a mockery

In this infernal game.



She pretends to favor him,

he to return her favor.



And 'tis all true.

For they're pretending to pretend.



Bravo. No, it was really great.



I swear.



Stop, It's embarrassing.



No really, you were great!



And you.



You were perfect. Incredible.



It's so true.



Marivaux's not bullshit.



You remind me of Charlotte...



Oh, yeah?



Come on, she's great.



She's hot.



Come on. You find her sexy?



She's so hot.



See who she's working with?



- Now he's a babe.

- No kidding.



- Major babe.

-Oh, yeah.



He ran out.



Looks like.



Listen, this guy is weird.






Look at him. He's a madman.



You here?



How are you?



How about you?



I didn't get that.



No hair, but he seems nice.



Very nice.






Great you came.



I don't know.

I figured...why not?



Great trailer.



You do love me.



What? Oh, OK.






He did those?



The drawings.



Well, I can't refuse them.



- He's coming on.

- No.



Like he just draws you?



Cut it out.



Don't be naive.



He draws everyone.



And he comes on to everyone!



What can I do?

We're working together.



I can't throw them out.



Think I like them?



Look at this. It's really naive.



Let me see.



- He did this?

- I know.






Does he ask you

to powder his butt, too?



You jerk.



I can't get lover it.



He forgot his cap.









Cool eating in a bus.






No, really.



But nothing will happen?



A horrible event.




No? I can relax?



Yes, relax.



Want some pudding?



No, thanks.



Goes nuts for a piece of cheese.



He's a moron.



- France is cheese.

-Stop it.



He's not an idiot?



No, he's not.



Want to know? He's a mental retard.

See those drawings?



They're very good drawings.



You got the right guy?



He's no Michelangelo.






You stop.

It's like you fell for him.



"Tai chi every morning at  :  ."



 :  ? My hero!

Tai chi every morning.



It's like you got a thing.



You got a thing for him?



I'm talking to you.



You have a thing for him?



I don't know.



What does that mean?



I don't know.



You slept with him?






You slept with him?



Tell me the truth. Did you?



No. That all you're interested in?



I like gardening,

but right now this is it!



I didn't. Ask me again.

I didn't sleep with him.



Then what?



It's late. I have an early call.



It's late?



I just sleep and find out tomorrow

If I still have a wife?!



Yvan, I don't know.



What don't you know?



We haven't been good lately.



You're too jealous.



I love you.



You're going with him?



You want to go with him?



You're in love with that asshole?!



You put it in my head.



With paranoia and questions,




It's like you wanted it.



Where are you going?



I can't talk.



I'm on the train.



Yes. Can I call you back?



OK. Kiss.



May I have an autograph?



Where was I?



I can't take it.



I can't take it anymore.



Calm down.



I feel like getting screwed




Come on, say something.



Get fucked!



That's exactly what I mean.



You got your lines down.



But It's "fuck" not "screw."



" getting fucked..."



With this script,

I guess that's important.



I feel like getting fucked...



- I have to pee.




Yes. Again.



Hang in there.



Just hang in there.



Hang in where?



Nothing. Forget it.



I just meant it's hard,

with a girl like that.



What's your problem?



Hey, I'm on your side.



No, you're not.



Look away and shut up.



I wasn't impolite to you.



- I said shut up.

- I will not.



I'm sorry.



Got plans tonight?



Depends. Why?



Hi. I'd like to reserve

a table for tonight.



Not before midnight?



That's almost breakfast.



OK, too bad.



Yes, hello.



I'd like a table for Charlotte...



Tonight, about nine o'clock.









Is it   or  ?



Three, but she's late.



We'll order, and she'll show up.



Someone coming?



I always reserve for three.

Room for coats.



What'll you have?






To eat?



I don't know, order for me.



- It's too cooked.

-As always.



I like it.



See, your son isn't eating anything.






Mom, I told you it hurts.



He got you.



And how is she?






We saw her on TV. Very pretty.



I can't really talk now.



Not too hard in London?



No, it's not.



-When is she done?




In the U.S., lots of non-Jews...



So a doctor can do it.



We'll all have dinner.



I told you, we had a fight.



-You're not together?

- No.



Women are like buses.

Always another one.



Don't hurt her.



Don't you think she can hurt me?



It'll work out.



How about me?



Since your son married an actress,



It's like he's Mr. Perfect!



I'm going to have a little boy.



We argue every day about

one of the world's great problems,



and it's all him.

Fuck the little people!



The mouth on her.






When they gas   million actresses,

we'll talk!



What's wrong with you?




Give me the peppers.



Say please. What did I do?



You gave me two crazy kids!



Pretty good foreskin, huh?






Do it for her.

It bothers you so much?



I'm not Jewish, or religious.



So who cares?



It's a religious thing.



She goes to synagogue once a year.



It's sentimental.



We all have to be white,




We are all the same.



Tell that to those skinheads.



Hey, you're married.



She's not bad.



- Player's wife.




So they get anyone.



No way.



The French players are champs.



Don't believe it.



They're national heroes.



She is hot!



Girls prefer guys with culture.



Just have your son circumcised.



Athletics are nothing.



What girls like is actors.



Don't say that.



An actor says one word,

girls are like this.



I loved my wife. I missed her.



Her body,



I missed her neck,

eyes, hands and mouth.



I dreamed of her.



I dreamed she called me.



I dreamed I missed the bus.



I wandered around.



I tried to understand

what spoiled things.



I was intrigued.



I knew I'd gone too far...



Could you put something on?



I had underestimated.

my, wife's profession.



Meanwhile, I hadn't heard from her.

Not one word.



You're wrong.



Don't tell me that.



-Say I'm not pretty.

-You are.



Well, then...



You're very pretty. You know it.



So, what?



So I think I'd better get home.






If you're gay, just say so.



You're wrong. It's just the scene.



Every day you say you love me,

you wind up believing it.



I'm no idiot. That's bullshit.



- Kiss me.




Kiss me.



Just once.



We know each other.



Yes, we do.



What a dummy.



-You know him?




I'm in no mood for him.



Should I punch you or thank you?



No. Thank me.



You opened my eyes.



See that?



- How are you?




You were really a drag



about my wife last time.



You're all a drag with her.



The guy with the ponytail

Is a drag.



Go ahead. I'm watching.



You're watching?



-You saw my wife at the Bartok?

- No.



You saw her there?



Ten minutes ago.



- Hi.

-Sorry, private club.



I've been here already.



Now it's private.



My wife's here. I'm meeting her.



Move it out.



Move it out?



Don't act dumber than you look.



Watch it. Make way.



They can go in, not me?



You don't have the look.



The look?



You can't say things like that.

You can't.



That's enough!



OK, enough.






Could I just ask you one thing,




Could you tell my wife

I can't get in?



How would I know her?



-You here?

-And you?



-To see you.

- Here?



What is all this? I'm sorry.



No problem.



- Let's all go inside.

- No.



The champagne's on me.



Shove it up your ass.



I don't have the look.



-Sorry. He has instructions.

-What instructions?



No guys who makeout

on the sidewalk.






Wait, wait!



Wait! You have no right to talk!



Wait! You have no right to talk!



-Who is she?

-There's nothing going on.



You kiss her but it's nothing?



It's nothing. I'm not in love.



- Me neither.

-That's different.



- It's the same!

- I didn't sleep with her.



I didn't sleep with him.



-You didn't?

- No.



Look me in the eye. You didn't?



Are you drunk?



Tell me, did you sleep with him?






-You didn't?

- No.



You know what?



You're a great actress.



It went great.



-Was Vincent there?

- He was great.



Djaou I was great, too.






He seems terrific.



How are you, Mom?



-Who's Djaoui?

- Her doctor.






Isn't my son handsome?



Sound like a Jewish mother.



Bye now. Vincent's here.



We're having him circumcised.



- I've never cut myself so much.

-Just cut it off. Once and for all.



OK. We'll leave you alone.



We won't argue.



We have to go anyway.



We have to go.



All right, OK.



He's very cute.



That was Mom? They OK?



- Fine. They come everyday.

-So do yours.



OK, let's go now.



You are so dishonest.



Wait until we leave.



Bye, Moses.



You never kiss me?



-So cute.

-Just like me as a baby.



Same face.



-Got everything?




A baby changes everything!

You can't do anything.



You're a prisoner. You can't sleep.



You're home, can't go out.



There are babysitters.



Babysitters! Modern women!

You have the keys.



- No, I don't.

-You do.



I don't have them.




- I got them.



This is great!



Great, yeah.



It's great!



- If only it's true.

-Yeah, right.



-You don't realize.

-Yes, I do.



No, silly. I'm pregnant!


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