Mystery, Alaska Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Mystery, Alaska script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Russell Crowe hockey movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mystery, Alaska. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Mystery, Alaska Script


  

  

 

                   

Oh, Skank!



 

                   

Fuck me!



 

                   

Hey.

What did you say?



 

                   

You teach him that?



 

                   

He heard it

in the locker room, Dad.



 

                   

- From who?

- Everyone.



 

                   

You know what it's like

in there.



 

                   

He shoots.

He scores!



 

                   

Wouldn't start again?



  

                   

- Was it the gas line?

- I don't know. I'll ask Tinker.



  

                   

- Mmm.

- Mmm.



  

                   

Take the sled, will ya?

I wanna wait for the mail.



  

                   

- The magazine's supposed to be here, express.

- Okay. Better be good.



  

                   

Of course it's gonna be good.

That's the whole point.



  

                   

I don't exactly trust

Chuckie boy.



  

                   

Come on.

Pass it off.



  

                   

All right.

Let's go again.



  

                   

Bailey!



  

                   

Hi, Bailey.



  

                   

Fat men don't shovel,

Bailey.



  

                   

No, it's dry.

It's dry.



  

                   

- Ew! Fuck me!

- That's a lung biscuit.



  

                   

Joey!



  

                   

That's it. Neither of you guys

are coming to the locker room again.



  

                   

John?



  

                   

Have a good game today.



  

                   

- God, it's cold!

- The taters are hot.



  

                   

Right here, Connor.

Thanks. Hot, hot, hot!



  

                   

- What the hell kind of bird is that?

- Bobby, throw some tape.



  

                   

- It's gonna be a hot one today.

- Hey, tape!



  

                   

- Hey, is the magazine out yet?

- Monday.



  

                   

- Johnny's supposed to get a copy expressed.

- Maybe we made the cover.



  

                   

- We ain't on the cover.

- He said it would be a big story with pictures.



  

                   

Yeah, Chuck exaggerates.



  

                   

Hey, guys, you are

not gonna believe this.



  

                   

Sarah Heinz.



  

                   

I know!

She's supposed to be this shy girl.



  

                   

I figure, what the hell.

I ain't that attractive.



  

                   

I'll vaccinate her quick, get home for an

early sack, beat what's left of the bishop.



  

                   

Like this?



  

                   

- She's much fatter naked. Yeah!

- No.



  

                   

I'm telling you, she got her February

fat now in the second week in December.



  

                   

She's riding me

like a wet walrus,



  

                   

making these fat sounds.



  

                   

- Thwap, thwap, thwap.

- The boy's got no shame.



  

                   

You're a sick man, Skank.



  

                   

- Hey, you got the magazine? Damn.

- The mail didn't come yet.



  

                   

- Hey.

- What?



  

                   

- You kill one more wolf...

- Ain't no sheriffin' in here.



  

                   

I ain't sheriffin'. I'm just

a teammate concerned for his freedom.



  

                   

Come on, boys.

Let's move it.



  

                   

It's two tenths below zero.

The committee won't be happy.



  

                   

- The committee.

- You seen Weeks lately? He's been skating the river.



  

                   

I don't care. I'm about to be on

the cover of Sports Illustrated.



  

                   

That photographer said I have

one of those expressive faces.



  

                   

- A face that tells a story.

- Too bad it's a tragedy.



  

                   

- A comedy.

- A horror story.



  

                   

Come on, guys.

Let's start gettin' our heads into it.



  

                   

Like Connor says,

that Weeks kid, he's got jump.



  

                   

I'm tellin' you, Tree,

there's rumors.



  

                   

One of us is going down.



  

                   

Let's go! Let's move!



  

                   

Let's go!



  

                   

Good game!

Good game!



  

                   

Stretch 'em out.



  

                   

- Let's do it, Sheriff.

- Sticks!



  

                   

- Line 'em up, Michael!

- Don't give me Tree. I wanna win this week.



  

                   

- I win no matter what side, huh?

- Win this, Tree.



  

                   

- Maybe it's you and me, huh?

- Winetka.



  

                   

Here.



  

                   

- Paul.

- Brown's the winner.



  

                   

- Dad!

- Thanks, Mikey.



  

                   

Tree!



  

                   

- You see Stevie Weeks yesterday?

- Chump.



  

                   

You think

we gotta do it?



  

                   

- Birdie!

- Try and pass me!



  

                   

- Give it to me!

- Try it! Try it!



  

                   

Pass! Damn!



  

                   

Whoo!

All right!



  

                   

Soon, it'll be you

out there.



  

                   

- Oh, I don't know.

- It will, Stevie.



  

                   

- Ow!

- Daddy!



  

                   

There are things you do in public...

and things you don't.



  

                   

We're just kissing.



  

                   

For God's sakes.



  

                   

Geez.



  

                   

Very effective, Walter.



  

                   

Nipped in the bud.



  

                   

- MaryJane.

- You got it?



  

                   

I got it. Look. It's three pages

with pictures and profiles.



  

                   

- There's John.

- A mix between Bobby Bond and Moose DuPark.



  

                   

Yeah,

he won't like that.



  

                   

"Clears the crease like a snowplow. "

Well, he can't not like that.



  

                   

Come on.



  

                   

- Honey. Look at this.

- Hey.



  

                   

- The mayor should get first look. Not bad, right?

- Wow.



  

                   

Son of a piss whore.

Our town in Sports Illustrated.



  

                   

Listen to this.



  

                   

"The legendary hockey players of

Mystery, Alaska, were born on skates...



   

                   

in a world perpetually covered

with ice and snow.



   

                   

Isolated by rugged mountains

and vast glaciers,



   

                   

they hone their skills

by playing each other,



   

                   

Saturday after Saturday,

for as long as anyone can remember.



   

                   

The citizens attend with

religious devotion in sub-zero weather.



   

                   

A committee of town fathers

decides who plays and by what rules.



   

                   

The game has become

more than a sport.



   

                   

It's a weekly

ritual celebration. "



   

                   

"The Winetka brothers

forecheck like gophers.



   

                   

When a puck goes into a corner,

a Winetka comes out with it.



   

                   

- Yeah!

- Read. Read!



   

                   

And then there's

Connor Banks.



   

                   

- Connor!

- What about Connor Banks?



   

                   

Montreal had its rocket.

Mystery has its cruise missile!"



   

                   

The only rocket you got

is your meat whistle.



   

                   

Hang on. Hang on. " Perfecting the art

of the pass is John Biebe,



   

                   

whose precision and accuracy more

than compensate for slowness of foot.



   

                   

- The only player without lightning speed.

- Every team needs its thumper.



   

                   

Fuck 'em, Johnny. Fuck 'em.



   

                   

On pure skating ability,

the boys of Mystery, Alaska...



   

                   

rival any team in

the National Hockey League!"



   

                   

That's us!

That's us!



   

                   

And isn't it exciting

for Charlie...



   

                   

And isn't it exciting

for Charlie...



   

                   

getting his article published

in Sports Illustrated?



   

                   

I bet this is a big

accomplishment for him.



   

                   

He kind of embellished

a little.



   

                   

He's always been so smart, that Charlie.

I knew when he left he'd make it big.



   

                   

Well, actually, I heard he left

'cause he skated like a homosexual.



   

                   

You think because you scored two goals

today, you played a good game?



   

                   

We don't talk about hockey at the table.



   

                   

We've been talking about it

for    minutes.



   

                   

We've been talking

about the magazine.



   

                   

Which is about hockey.



   

                   

Can't we just enjoy

the attention tonight?



   

                   

Sports Illustrated,

for God's sakes.



   

                   

Hockey is played

at both ends of the ice.



   

                   

You, you coast in your own zone.



   

                   

You skate like a figure skater.



   

                   

And when you get the puck,

you don't pass.



   

                   

More potatoes?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

I've lost my appetite.



   

                   

Oh...



   

                   

He never made the Saturday game.



   

                   

That's what's bothering him.

Why should he tell me how to play?



   

                   

- He played college  -A, Birdie.

-  -A isn't the Saturday game.



   

                   

- That's enough.

- Well, he started it!



   

                   

Margie has relatives

in Waterville, Maine.



   

                   

She said as soon

as Price World moved in,



   

                   

all the local shops

went right out of business.



   

                   

Price World's not gonna come, Mom.

We're not big enough, for God's sakes.



   

                   

Well, they've been sniffin'.



   

                   

Oh, Skank.



   

                   

- Yeah!

- Yeah! Yeah!



   

                   

"On the left side,



   

                   

Skank Marden is a master

of sticky sores... "



   

                   

No, no, Shawnette.



   

                   

Um, remember, you want

to sound out the words.



   

                   

- Okay.

- Let's try again.



   

                   

"Skank Marden,

a master of the stick,



   

                   

scores on demand. "



   

                   

That's right. Good. Excellent.



   

                   

Tommy! What?



   

                   

Word is Biebe is out

and Weeks is going up.



   

                   

Really?



   

                   

- Don't get too far.

- Yeah, Dad.



   

                   

- Hey, Johnny.

- Hey.



   

                   

Thanks for coming, Johnny.



   

                   

Well, we can't hold

Stevie Weeks back any longer.



   

                   

You'll be first alternate,

of course.



   

                   

That's...



   

                   

There's more to the game than speed,

Scott. Experience counts.



   

                   

Which Stevie Weeks can't get

till we call him up.



   

                   

You've been in the Saturday game

   years, Johnny.



   

                   

- That's a record!

- I can still play.



   

                   

When was the last time

you scored a goal?



   

                   

Look, it's not fair to the Weeks boy

to keep him back.



   

                   

And it's not fair

to the Saturday game.



   

                   

Shit!



   

                   

I gotta go.



   

                   

Donna's inside, Johnny.



   

                   

- Hey.

- Hey.



   

                   

I'm fine, Donna.



   

                   

We talked about this.



   

                   

We knew one day eventually...

I'm fine.



   

                   

Don't tell me you're fine.



   

                   

I better check on Mike.



   

                   

- You could've told me.

- I can't give you that kind of information.



   

                   

We're sleeping together,

for God's sakes.



   

                   

Skank, we're committing adultery. It's

not like I threw in trust as a perk.



   

                   

Honey.



   

                   

- Hi.

- Look, you, uh... you may have heard.



   

                   

- We just did it.

- I heard.



   

                   

And so did I,

and it's a big mistake.



   

                   

John Biebe is the anchor,

for God's sakes!



   

                   

Geez.



   

                   

Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!



   

                   

Guys, it ain't my birthday.



   

                   

It's better.

You're in the Saturday game!



   

                   

L- I could go down

as fast as I come up.



   

                   

- There's no way.

- Hey, I'm next. They'll be callin' me next.



   

                   

Hey, Mike.



   

                   

- Hey.

- Why don't you get yourself that milkshake?



   

                   

Better not hear

your grades are dropping off.



   

                   

They-They won't, sir.



   

                   

You skate like you can

and you'll be fine.



   

                   

- Boys.

- Sheriff.



   

                   

- I ordered one for you too, Dad.

- Thanks, Mike.



   

                   

- Johnny?

- Yeah?



   

                   

You gotta get out to Gagney Grocers.

Connor Banks just shot a guy.



   

                   

Ow! Jesus!

What, did you put your finger in it?



   

                   

- Try and hold still.

- Could you jam the oxygen tank...



   

                   

a little further up my ass, please?



   

                   

Have you done this before?



   

                   

- Who is he?

- A rep from Price World.



   

                   

Good. Twist it! Yeah, that helps.



   

                   

Think about trimming

those nails too, Tarzan.



   

                   

- Just try to hold it there.

- Are you trying to hurt me?



   

                   

Huh?



   

                   

- You okay?

- No, I'm not okay!



   

                   

Do I look like I'm okay?

The fucker shot me!



   

                   

What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck,

shithole town is this?



   

                   

I make a business call.

I give him my card.



   

                   

And the hick-ass fucker shoots

my foot off! Cock-fucking shit!



   

                   

- John, it was an accident.

- You read him his rights?



   

                   

- You have the right to remain silent.

- Oh, come on, John!



   

                   

- I didn't mean to shoot him.

- Call Bailey Pruitt. Talk to him.



   

                   

Don't be saying

anything to me.



   

                   

Johnny, I heard.



   

                   

- I'm sorry.

- Connor, you just shot a guy.



   

                   

- Take him.

- Read him his rights.



   

                   

Cock-fucking suck-ass fucker!



   

                   

Have fun in jail, asshole!



   

                   

They, uh,

got into a beef.



   

                   

- Connor pulled a pistol.

Happened over in feed.



   

                   

Says he was aiming at a sack

of Puppy Chow, trying to scare him.



   

                   

He hit a wheelbarrow.

It ricocheted.



   

                   

- Ow! Ow, ow!

- Johnny?



   

                   

- Yeah?

- There's a helicopter hovering over town hall. Looks Russian.



   

                   

Whoa!



   

                   

I'm slow in the feet?



   

                   

That's it?

That's all you got for me?



   

                   

No, "Wow, nice helicopter"? No, " Hey,

great article in Sports Illustrated"?



   

                   

How's Donna doing?

Does she miss me?



   

                   

Twice in one year, Charlie.

What do you want this time?



   

                   

I come bearing

the New York Rangers.



   

                   

The New York Rangers?



   

                   

Yeah, I was pretty blown away myself.



   

                   

But the article sparked some kind

of brainstorm at the NHL.



   

                   

- Good writing, I guess.

- The New York Rangers.



   

                   

The New York Rangers.



   

                   

- In Mystery, Alaska?

- Right here.



   

                   

To play against our boys?



   

                   

The NHL feels it'll be

great publicity,



   

                   

and the network figures

a    share, minimum.



   

                   

All right.



   

                   

What's in it for you,

Charlie?



   

                   

Community pride.



   

                   

A sense of giving back to

the place where I grew up.



   

                   

Money.



   

                   

If you all settle down, we'll, uh,

we'll try to answer all your questions.



   

                   

Now, nothing is definite.



   

                   

There's still some dealing to be done

with the players' unions and things.



   

                   

But what needs to be decided first is,

do we want this game?



   

                   

- I won't kid ya, it would be

a goose to the economy.



   

                   

What economy?



   

                   

We can be serious

about this,



   

                   

or we can simply leave the decision to

the committee, which I'm quite happy to do.



   

                   

Yes, Miram?



   

                   

The question is,

do we really stand a chance?



   

                   

'Cause if all that's gonna happen

is we'll get laughed at,



   

                   

I'm not for it

at any price.



   

                   

That's fair. That's fair.

And to answer that,



   

                   

I'd like to call up here

someone we all know and...



   

                   

Well, we all know.

Charles Danner.



   

                   

Thanks. Um... Well, first of all,

it's really great to be back.



   

                   

Bullshit!



   

                   

Uh... Um, here's the thing.



   

                   

On a standard ice rink,

no, we don't come close.



   

                   

But... our boys on a pond?



   

                   

Now, hold on

just one second.



   

                   

You're using words

like "we" and "our boys. "



   

                   

You left this town,

Charlie Danner.



   

                   

You can't even skate.



   

                   

Plus, this may be

an old lady talking,



   

                   

but I've always thought

you were a bit of a prick.



   

                   

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This is a town meeting.



   

                   

Let's have some order,

for God's sakes! John.



   

                   

Could we make a game of it?



   

                   

Yeah, John.



   

                   

Depends on rules.



   

                   

We play four on four.

They play five on five.



   

                   

Boards, offsides,

two-line passing.



   

                   

Rules that keep everything bunched.

It's a different kind of game.



   

                   

John, excuse me, but this game

is gonna be played on a pond.



   

                   

- Hey, Chuck...

- One second.



   

                   

Everybody here always says on a pond,

nobody beats us, right? Nobody.



   

                   

Okay, well, you got a chance

to prove it now.



   

                   

John, can we win?



   

                   

Shooting, passing, stick handling...

The truth?



   

                   

Except for Connor,

nobody here comes close.



   

                   

Except for Connor,

nobody here comes close.



   

                   

But on the pond,



   

                   

black ice, wide open surface,

it's all about skating.



   

                   

And we can skate.



   

                   

Yeah, we can.

All right, man.



   

                   

The New York Rangers

are professionals.



   

                   

Two things we've always had

in Mystery:



   

                   

Our dignity

and our illusions.



   

                   

I suggest we cling to both.



   

                   

Where's the dignity

in not trying?



   

                   

I'll play those Rangers.



   

                   

- I'm in.

- I'll play.



   

                   

I'll beat 'em.



   

                   

As mayor of Mystery, Alaska,



   

                   

I'm gonna extend a little invitation

to the New York Rangers!



   

                   

Hey, Johnny!



   

                   

- This can't wait till tomorrow?

- No, no, we gotta be on the ice at sunup.



   

                   

If this game happens,

it's only    days away.



   

                   

We gotta get goin'.



   

                   

- I bet you're back on the team now, right?

- Maybe.



   

                   

Well, they're not gonna play the Rangers

with just ten guys.



   

                   

Here he comes.



   

                   

- John. Hey, Donna.

- Hey, Scott.



   

                   

- Witch-tit cold, huh?

- Yeah.



   

                   

Look, John,

these are the developments.



   

                   

Things have changed.

We want you to coach.



   

                   

Judge turn you down?



   

                   

Yeah.

He's got some bug up his colon.



   

                   

But next toJudge Fuck Nut,

you know most about hockey.



   

                   

Scott, you'll need him

to play, right?



   

                   

Oh, uh...



   

                   

Well, the committee feels you can best

help the team by, you know, coaching.



   

                   

You're the guy.

They all look up to you.



   

                   

Scott, I don't coach.



   

                   

John, I'm asking you

as mayor of the town.



   

                   

Will you coach?



   

                   

Look, think about it.



   

                   

Let me know, huh?



   

                   

You know,



   

                   

every ex-player turned coach says

they prefer coaching to playing.



   

                   

Why would they

all say that?



   

                   

Because they can't play.



   

                   

So why'd you wanna come?

You never wanna come when I plough.



   

                   

- Well, um, could you pull over?

- Sure.



   

                   

What...

What are you doing?



   

                   

Um...



   

                   

I thought, um...



   

                   

I think we should celebrate

you making the team.



   

                   

N- Now? Here?



   

                   

I don't know where else

to do it.



   

                   

I got a condom too.



   

                   

- So...

- Marla.



   

                   

With you on the team, Stevie,

a lot of girls are gonna be,



   

                   

you know, after you.



   

                   

I don't wanna lose you toJody Lange

just 'cause she gives.



   

                   

Marla.



   

                   

I'm not gonna leave you

on account of not having sex.



   

                   

I love you.



   

                   

Are you sure?



   

                   

Yeah, I'm sure.



   

                   

Oh!



   

                   

Oh, I'm-I'm...

I'm sorry.



   

                   

That's okay. That's...

That's okay.



   

                   

L...

Does this mean we're done?



   

                   

I'm-I'm sorry.

I must have...



   

                   

That's okay.



   

                   

It's okay, Stevie.



   

                   

Hey, Sarah, sorry to be calling on you

so late, but have you heard?



   

                   

- The Rangers?

- Yeah.



   

                   

Yeah, good news makes

the compass point north.



   

                   

How about a quick rattle?



   

                   

After you, Skank.



   

                   

"Mother walrus going

thwap, thwap, thwap"?



   

                   

- What?

- You wanna hear a thwap?



   

                   

Women don't like being referred to

as fat mammals, Skank.



   

                   

I never would've said that

to her face.



   

                   

- Are you gonna arrest me?

- Do you want me to?



   

                   

Well, if it's all over what he said, I'd

just as soon it'd be all over that I hit him.



   

                   

It will be.



   

                   

You gonna let the kids keep the school?



   

                   

We gotta have a new rink, Donna.



   

                   

You want one of those goddamn

TV trucks to fall through the ice?



   

                   

Plus we need new boards, lights,

and they're sending us a Zamboni.



   

                   

Oh, a Zamboni.

Gettin' wet just thinking about it.



   

                   

Jesus!



   

                   

- Donna. Hey.

- Hey.



   

                   

- Hi. How you doin'?

- Hi. Good.



   

                   

- How are you?

- I'm good.



   

                   

- You ran out before I could say hi last night.

- I know. Hi.



   

                   

Hi.

God, you look good.



   

                   

How can you look this good? What do

you have, like nine children now?



   

                   

All right, well,

we're not the Partridge Family.



   

                   

- Three kids.

- I know how many kids you have.



   

                   

So, you're a producer, huh?



   

                   

Yeah, well,

associate producer.



   

                   

What's a producer do?



   

                   

Uh, well,

I'm-I'm doing it.



   

                   

- Really?

- Yes, I'm liaising with the locals.



   

                   

I see.



   

                   

And the helicopter was...



   

                   

Well, you know, it's the kind of news

you wanna deliver in person, you know,



   

                   

and I can't help it if it impressed

the hell out of you.



   

                   

So, uh...

Well, so did it?



   

                   

Do I look impressed?



   

                   

You look good.



   

                   

Your Honor,



   

                   

at this time I'd be asking the court

to dismiss the charges...



   

                   

on the grounds of patriotism.



   

                   

I'm not in the mood,

Mr. Pruitt.



   

                   

If Price World

did come here...



   

                   

with the one-stop shopping

and the low, low prices,



   

                   

it would threaten to put every merchant

in this town out of business,



   

                   

as it has in so many communities

across this country.



   

                   

- Trial date?

- This Tuesday.



   

                   

Tuesday?



   

                   

- Fine by me.

- All right, next Tuesday.



   

                   

And impanel Monday.



   

                   

I don't want a trial now. Suppose I

lose? I get jail, I miss the game.



   

                   

Connor, trust me. They're not gonna

lock up our leading scorer.



   

                   

As the puck comes off the ice,

the left wing will always drop back.



   

                   

These four swing around here,

try and force the puck this way.



   

                   

So the puck carrier is

always facing three defensemen.



   

                   

- Are we gonna play it?

- No.



   

                   

We're gonna learn it

so we can beat it.



   

                   

It's five-man, not four.

It's complicated.



   

                   

Before we get into that,



   

                   

There's one rule we got we live by.



   

                   

What happens in this room,



   

                   

what's said in this room,

stays in this room.



   

                   

Now, last night Skank

took a shovel to the temple...



   

                   

because somebody repeated what

was said in the locker room.



   

                   

Somebody repeated

to Silvie Walker,



   

                   

and Silvie Walker

repeated it to Sarah Heinz.



   

                   

- I told her confidentially.

- Aw, Jesus.



   

                   

What you say in the room

stay in the room.



   

                   

I didn't think she

was gonna say anything.



   

                   

Skank, I'm sorry.



   

                   

She just smoked the hog, man.

I wasn't myself.



   

                   

- It's your call, Skank.

- Oh, I want it.



   

                   

Fuck!



   

                   

Fuckin' wind-chill. This ain't right.



   

                   

It's not that easy!



   

                   

- One slip of the tongue. All right, that's it.

- Rules are rules!



   

                   

Come on, guys!



   

                   

- Do it!

- Come on!



   

                   

Aw, shit!



   

                   

Oh, shit!

Mother...



   

                   

I hate you bastards!

I hate you all!



   

                   

All I did was suggest we meet,

and then he pulled out a gun.



   

                   

Did he say anything,

Mr. Walsh?



   

                   

Objection!

Now, that question...



   

                   

Fuck it.



   

                   

What did he say?



   

                   

Well, he conveyed his anger at the idea

of Price World moving into the community.



   

                   

He threatened to shoot me if I didn't

leave the premises, and then he shot me.



   

                   

Thank you, Mr. Walsh.

Reserve the right to recall, Your Honor.



   

                   

Big doings we've got going here

in Mystery these days, huh?



   

                   

Price World wants to come here,



   

                   

and now the New York Rangers

want to come.



   

                   

Mr. Pruitt, I don't want to hear

anything about Price World.



   

                   

I don't wanna hear another word about

a hockey game. We talked about this.



   

                   

Yeah, well, forgive me, Your Honor.

I'm fat.



   

                   

Mr. Walsh, that bullet

that struck you,



   

                   

did it appear to ricochet

off a wheelbarrow?



   

                   

It... Maybe.

So what?



   

                   

Is it legal to shoot in the vicinity

of people in this town?



   

                   

You don't care very much for

our community, do you, Mr. Walsh?



   

                   

- I have nothing against

your community, Mr. Pruitt.



   

                   

Did you say,



   

                   

"What the fuck-ass fuck

of a bum-fuck shithole town is this?"



   

                   

Did you say that, Mr. Walsh?



   

                   

The game is tentatively

scheduled forJanuary   .



   

                   

- Hey, this is it!

- Sounds like fun, Barry, but evidently not for everyone.



   

                   

No, I don't think so, Steve.

No one thought...



   

                   

to check with the New York Ranger

players about this.



   

                   

The bottom line is, you only get

a few days off during this long season.



   

                   

Now, instead of spending these days off

at home with their families,



   

                   

they're told they gotta go to Alaska

and play a game of pond hockey.



   

                   

- This is a joke.

- Turning now to real hockey news,



   

                   

the NHL named Wayne Gretzky

as its player of the month.



   

                   

The superstar scored    goals

with    assists...



   

                   

Yeah, wait till we beat 'em.

Then we'll see who's a joke.



   

                   

You guys know what you're made of.

You know what you've got inside.



   

                   

Nervous?



   

                   

- Come on, let's work it around.

- Don't leave him alone!



   

                   

- Whoa. That guy can shoot, huh?

- Yeah.



   

                   

- Get on him! Get on him!

- Okay, guys, come on, now!



   

                   

- Fighting the puck a little.

- Oh, let him find his legs.



   

                   

Yeah, his first game.

He'll be fine.



   

                   

Go! Go! Go! Go!



   

                   

Look out!



   

                   

Get away! Get away!



   

                   

- Stevie? Stevie!

- Give him some air.



   

                   

- Biebe.

Good work, Tree. You killed him.



   

                   

- Head was down.

- I know. I know.



   

                   

I brought the salts, Dad.



   

                   

- Stevie?

- Huh?



   

                   

- It's okay. It's all right.

- Hello.



   

                   

Stevie, how many fingers

have I got? Hmm?



   

                   

I'm a premature ejaculator.



   

                   

Let's go, guys.

Three on three.



   

                   

- So?

- So?



   

                   

- Anyone special in New York?

- Uh, no.



   

                   

I don't... I don't want you

to feel bad about that either,



   

                   

just 'cause I haven't had a relationship

that's lasted longer than six weeks...



   

                   

since we broke up

in the   th grade.



   

                   

- That's... The important thing is that you're happy.

- Right.



   

                   

You are...

You are happy, I take it?



   

                   

Yeah.

I'm happy.



   

                   

Good. Good.



   

                   

How is your husband,

anyway?



   

                   

Appears to be, uh,

well fed.



   

                   

Of course he is.



   

                   

I mean, what else

do I have to do, really,



   

                   

besides slave over a hot stove,

rub my fat husband's feet,



   

                   

dig splinters out of my ass that I get

while sitting around pining for you?



   

                   

Well, you said it,

I didn't.



   

                   

Seriously, though.

I mean, forget about me.



   

                   

Don't you ever wish you lived

in a town that had a museum...



   

                   

or someplace where brothers and sisters

were off-limits to each other sexually?



   

                   

All right,

just follow the light.



   

                   

No, just over here. There you go.

Over here. Come on.



   

                   

Still sleepin'?



   

                   

- How's he doin'?

- He's a little happy.



   

                   

No, no, no.

Easy, son.



   

                   

- I'm okay. Birdie, I'm sorry.

- All right.



   

                   

I didn't even get

the condom on.



   

                   

It was 'cause of your sister's breasts.

They're perky.



   

                   

Well, he's out again.



   

                   

- Honey, what's wrong?

- Nothing.



   

                   

- Sweetheart...

- I don't wanna talk about it, okay?



   

                   

Well, if you can't talk

to your own mother...



   

                   

Stevie doesn't wanna

sleep with me.



   

                   

Oh. Oh.



   

                   

Oh.



   

                   

Hmm.



   

                   

So, uh, you two

have already,



   

                   

uh, you know,

had relations?



   

                   

No, he came in the condom.



   

                   

Oh!



   

                   

Where, uh,

was the condom...



   

                   

when he, uh,

you know...



   

                   

Um...



   

                   

On-On his, uh, serpent.



   

                   

Hi.



   

                   

What's wrong?



   

                   

Uh, Walter, get out.

This is private.



   

                   

I'm entitled to know

what's going on under this roof.



   

                   

After all, I am

the father of this child.



   

                   

Walter, if you don't leave,

I swear I'll tell you.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

The defendant will please rise.



   

                   

What say you, Karen?



   

                   

The State of Alaska

versus Connor Banks.



   

                   

Second-degree assault.



   

                   

We find the defendant

not guilty.



   

                   

That's a not guilty verdict on Connor.

Betty?



   

                   

And we further order Price World

to pay damages...



   

                   

in the amount of $     .



   

                   

- What?

-       bucks?



   

                   

They can't do that.



   

                   

This is a criminal trial.



   

                   

We don't award damages

to criminal defendants.



   

                   

The damage award is vacated.



   

                   

What's that, "vacated"?



   

                   

Look around.

Look at yourselves.



   

                   

You have exalted this game

above what is right,



   

                   

but you have

your star center back.



   

                   

The defendant is free to go.



   

                   

You have embarrassed

my courtroom.



   

                   

Thanks a lot.



   

                   

Fuckin' moron.



   

                   

It's me that embarrasses you,

isn't it?



   

                   

- Did I say that, Brian?

- I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.



   

                   

I'm sorry I don't feel like goin'

to college and getting some degree.



   

                   

I'm sorry for only wanting to play hockey,

and I'm sorry that you never played...



   

                   

in the Saturday game, but I would think

there are bigger tragedies in life!



   

                   

Brian!



   

                   

Scotty. Hey.



   

                   

I want you to meet

the folks from the network.



   

                   

- That's Jonathan Slaven. Scott Pitcher.

- Hi.



   

                   

- And, uh, this is Janice Pettibone.

- My nostrils just froze.



   

                   

It's a pleasure to welcome

a famous TV personality.



   

                   

- Uh, hi.

- Janice, see how everybody skates here?



   

                   

- Yeah.

- Even on the sidewalks. We should get some shots...



   

                   

- I can't feel my nose.

- All right, then.



   

                   

- She's cold.

- She's weird.



   

                   

"Eskimos On Ice. "



   

                   

In fact, that's what we're calling

the team: The Mystery Eskimos.



   

                   

Well, we're not Eskimos.



   

                   

Well, I don't think it refers

so much to your ethnicity.



   

                   

And the Native Americans who do live

here call themselves Inuit, shark meat.



   

                   

The deal here is we're selling

this as a human interest story.



   

                   

The strange snowmen who play

on a lake... the Mystery boys.



   

                   

We don't know who they are

or what they are.



   

                   

All we know is they have poor dental

health and can skate like the wind.



   

                   

It's a hockey game.



   

                   

- How does she know what kind of dental health we have?

- Guys!



   

                   

Guys!

It's just a name, you know?



   

                   

Nobody thinks the Dallas Cowboys

are actually cowboys.



   

                   

- If this ends up making fun of us...

- Scott, it won't.



   

                   

- You think I'd let that happen?

- For business, who knows?



   

                   

- Excuse me?

- He's right.



   

                   

- You'd bite off your own jimmy if the price were right.

- Really, Scott?



   

                   

My own jimmy? You know what?

Why don't you go plan a rummage sale...



   

                   

- or renew a fishing licence?

- If you try pulling something, I'll be so far up your ass...



   

                   

- Gentlemen.

- You sorry piece of tit meat!



   

                   

- Just talkin' about the game.

- Yeah.



   

                   

If nothing else,

it's good for morale.



   

                   

Good night.



   

                   

No blood.

Judge!



   

                   

- He started it.

- Don't!



   

                   

I'll talk to you tomorrow.



   

                   

I don't know how to coach.



   

                   

You taught half the kids in this town

how to skate. You played  -A college.



   

                   

You understand

North American hockey.



   

                   

Shit, they used to call you

the Bear.



   

                   

That was then.



   

                   

Okay, Judge.



   

                   

If we're gonna make a game of it,

it should be you.



   

                   

It won't be, John.



   

                   

Come on! Pull it off!



   

                   

People of Mystery,

I give you...



   

                   

your very own Zamboni.



   

                   

- Now, don't be alarmed.

- It looks     years old.



   

                   

Well, it works just like new,



   

                   

and it's kind of in keeping with

the whole idea, don't you think?



   

                   

What whole idea?



   

                   

Scott, you got a Zamboni here

in Mystery, Alaska.



   

                   

Yeah.

The original.



   

                   

Why'd you say yes to boards?

Sponsors?



   

                   

You guys have never played with boards.

Won't that be a huge advantage to the Rangers?



   

                   

John?



   

                   

You've been smiling

a lot lately.



   

                   

- Excuse me?

- Ever since he came back.



   

                   

Charlie.

You've been smiling a little more.



   

                   

John, that was high school.



   

                   

This is not a pond.



   

                   

The fans are into it.



   

                   

Let's play hockey.



   

                   

- Oh, there we go.

- Oh, Domi and Langdon.



   

                   

Well, eight seconds in. Domi leads

the league in penalty minutes.



   

                   

A couple of short rights knocks the helmet

off. Another one. Are they gonna get tired?



   

                   

- I don't know.

- We're playing these guys?



   

                   

Oh, he's landing a couple of big ones,

and so is Domi.



   

                   

He's got the fans

into this one early, Sam.



   

                   

Yo, maybe we should fast-forward

to the hockey part.



   

                   

- Yeah.

- Good idea.



   

                   

- Yeah.

- Good idea.



   

                   

- Come on.



   

                   

- Come on!



   

                   

- Caboose, holding on back there?

- Yeah.



   

                   

- Toot, toot!

- Uh-oh! Uh-oh, we're gonna crash!



   

                   

- Aah!

- Oh, no!



   

                   

- What happened down here?



   

                   

Are you okay? Let me see.

Are you all right?



   

                   

It's a Rockewellian Christmas

up here...



   

                   

skating, barbecues, snow.



   

                   

We're here with defenseman

Matt Marden and...



   

                   

- Cut.

- What?



   

                   

I can't feel my fingers.



   

                   

You need to rub 'em on

a nice warm Yuletide log.



   

                   

I beg your pardon?



   

                   

Look. Christmas is a lonely day

for a guy to be choking his own chicken.



   

                   

And, as women reporters go,

I find you supple.



   

                   

Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame

we weren't rolling for that.



   

                   

I'm sure he'd be happy

to repeat it.



   

                   

- You need to relax.

- Charles!



   

                   

Do you like massages?



   

                   

- Tree, take the man up front!

- Defense!



   

                   

Tree, you've got to take

the man!



   

                   

- Jesus!

- All right, all right, all right, all right.



   

                   

Sorry, Johnny.



   

                   

- Don't say you're sorry.

- Okay.



   

                   

Sorry.



   

                   

Tree, am I a big guy?



   

                   

Yeah, Johnny.



   

                   

No. Look.



   

                   

See? You're the big guy.



   

                   

And we need you to start

playing like a big guy.



   

                   

Okay?

Are you a big guy?



   

                   

- Yes, Johnny.

- Come on. Say it.



   

                   

Say it!



   

                   

- I'm a big guy!

- Okay!



   

                   

- Okay? Okay?

- Okay.



   

                   

Okay, hit me.



   

                   

I don't want

to hit you, Johnny.



   

                   

- Come on, Tree. Hit me!

- Johnny...



   

                   

I'm notJohnny!

I'm a New York Ranger!



   

                   

- Hit me!

- Stop it!



   

                   

You look like the back end

of a moose, Sasquatch.



   

                   

You all right?



   

                   

Just like that, Tree.



   

                   

- You hit me like that,

I'll kick your ass.



   

                   

Eskimo soup.



   

                   

I'm beginning to have

second thoughts about this.



   

                   

And having Chuck Fuck as our liaison

with the network doesn't help.



   

                   

If they're gonna be pouring

a lot of money into it,



   

                   

I suppose you have to let them sell it.

I suppose.



   

                   

Besides, if they're going to

be doing a profile on the town,



   

                   

it's as good

as a commercial.



   

                   

Our tourism might grow.



   

                   

You know, this is the kind

of opportunity that...



   

                   

What?



   

                   

What's that?



   

                   

Skank Marden's

been in this bed.



   

                   

You gotta be kidding me.



   

                   

Well, that's just great.



   

                   

Shit!



   

                   

- What?

- Uh, we got a problem.



   

                   

- What problem?

- Uh...



   

                   

They're not coming.



   

                   

What do you mean,

not coming?



   

                   

Evidently,

the Ranger players...



   

                   

filed some kind of grievance

with the players' union,



   

                   

- and, uh...

- We tapped ourselves on the construction.



   

                   

- Are you saying that we're not

going to get that money now?



   

                   

Uh, I don't think so, no.



   

                   

I'm really sorry, Scott.

I don't... I don't even...



   

                   

Jesus Christ, Scott!

Ow!



   

                   

Jesus! Oh, man!



   

                   

Hey, hey.

That's enough.



   

                   

It's keeping the kids awake.

Come on.



   

                   

I should arrest him.

That's what I should do.



   

                   

Arrest him for what?



   

                   

Fraud.



   

                   

Hey, he promised something

that he couldn't deliver.



   

                   

This town spent money,



   

                   

relying on

Charlie Danner's word.



   

                   

Flying in here

on a helicopter,



   

                   

- swinging the New York Rangers from his belt.

- Come on, John.



   

                   

- You can't blame Charlie for that.

- Who else is there to blame?



   

                   

You want to sympathize

with the guy, fine.



   

                   

But I really do not

need you taking his side.



   

                   

- Okay. What is going on?

- You tell me.



   

                   

Okay, I think I've been pretty patient

with this little jealousy thing.



   

                   

The truth is, I've been a little bit

flattered. Now I'm getting insulted.



   

                   

- You're insulted?

- Yes, John.



   

                   

When you read my smiling at him

as a threat, that insults me.



   

                   

It is not just

a random smile, Donna.



   

                   

Ever since he came back...



   

                   

you've been walking around with

a big "what if" on your face.



   

                   

We've been married    years.

Three kids.



   

                   

Sweetheart,

I know your smiles.



   

                   

And that smile is not for me.



   

                   

John, everyone in this goddamn town

peeks over the snowbank and wonders.



   

                   

Except you wonder what

it would be like with him...



   

                   

Charlie fuckin' Danner!



   

                   

Don't talk to me

about betrayal.



   

                   

You became half dead the minute you were

bumped from that team. You disappeared.



   

                   

This is not an easy place

for a woman, John.



   

                   

I thank God every day

I gave birth to boys.



   

                   

I never chose to stay.

I chose you.



   

                   

Give me that,

at least.



   

                   

Move that puck, fellas!

He's opening up!



   

                   

Move that puck, fellas!

He's opening up!



   

                   

Pass it out

to the wing!



   

                   

Pass the puck! Pass that puck!

That a boy!



   

                   

Over here!

Whoo!



   

                   

Hi.



   

                   

Young man,

lift your elbows.



   

                   

And that'll keep the blade

flat on the ice.



   

                   

I mean, you paid

for the whole stick.



   

                   

You might as well use it all, huh?

Try it.



   

                   

- Good! Good, McGowan!

- Good.



   

                   

Hey. I'm goin' on a piss later.

You wanna join me?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

The league is taking

the players' union...



   

                   

to federal court

in New York on Tuesday.



   

                   

It might help if Mystery

had a face there.



   

                   

There's an estoppel argument

you could make.



   

                   

Implied third-party contract too.



   

                   

Hmm.



   

                   

Well, now we really have something

to talk about, don't we?



   

                   

You slept with another man.



   

                   

What's to talk about,

MaryJane?



   

                   

All I've got...



   

                   

is the notion that being

adored by your husband...



   

                   

is enough in life.



   

                   

You never touch me.



   

                   

Go ahead.



   

                   

Nothing in the basic agreement

allows them...



   

                   

to schedule

exhibition games.



   

                   

- Of course we can schedule exhibition

games. - Pre-season exhibition, but...



   

                   

Your Honor, nothing has ever limited

this to pre-season. You know this, Harold.



   

                   

It's a cheap stunt,

Your Honor, and everybody knows that.



   

                   

They want the Ranger players to go up to

the North Pole and play pond hockey...



   

                   

with a bunch of Eskimos.



   

                   

It's a big gimmick.

I mean, Mr. Pruitt himself...



   

                   

has brought one of his

lumberjack players with him...



   

                   

to help him further

the exploitation.



   

                   

Objection, Your Honor.



   

                   

That's-That's not

a very nice thing to say.



   

                   

Your Honor, we've already

spent a lot of money on this game.



   

                   

You can sue the league

for restitution.



   

                   

That's assuming that money

damages could make us whole.



   

                   

But our reputation

has been hurt.



   

                   

Reputation? Price World tried

to move up there, you opened fire.



   

                   

What reputation?



   

                   

- Could I be heard?

- Go ahead.



   

                   

We do have our pride.



   

                   

And...



   

                   

And, uh, maybe sometimes it's a little

too connected to how well we play hockey,



   

                   

but we do have our pride.



   

                   

And all of you,

and all the TV commentators...



   

                   

have been going around

saying that this is a farce...



   

                   

that this

is all a big joke.



   

                   

Our town is a big joke.



   

                   

- Is there a legal argument coming?

- It's estoppel.



   

                   

It's-It's in my brief.



   

                   

What-What did you call...

You called my friend something before.



   

                   

- What did you call him?

- A lumberjack.



   

                   

That boy has a heart bigger

than this whole courtroom.



   

                   

He plays to play.



   

                   

He skates to skate!



   

                   

He don't make

a million bucks a year!



   

                   

He loves the game of hockey!



   

                   

He loves it.



   

                   

Judge,



   

                   

you can't take this game

away from us.



   

                   

You can't.

It's not about money.



   

                   

It's about our...



   

                   

Mr. Pruitt?

Are you all right?



   

                   

- Bailey?

- Mr. Pruitt?



   

                   

- Bailey? Bailey? Bailey?

Somebody get this man some help!



   

                   

He's having a heart attack!

Somebody help him!



 

                   

- Jesus Christ.

- Bailiff, call    .



 

                   

- Bailey!

- Give him some air!



 

                   

Get somebody in here now!



 

                   

He's not breathing!



 

                   

Bailey! Bailey!



 

                   

My, uh...



 

                   

My boy Mike once asked Bailey

how he got to be so fat.



 

                   

He said it was...



 

                   

because every time

he met somebody he liked,



  

                   

his heart would grow

a little.



  

                   

There were just so many

good people in Mystery...



  

                   

that eventually his body

had to expand to accommodate.



  

                   

He could have left if he wanted,

but he stayed.



  

                   

Not because other worlds

weren't available to him.



  

                   

Because he loved

this place.



  

                   

"This is a hockey town,"

he'd say.



  

                   

And he never said it like it was

something we should have to apologize for.



  

                   

We're a hockey town.



  

                   

I love this town, too, John.



  

                   

You sent him,

didn't you?



  

                   

To New York.



  

                   

He won.



  

                   

Game's back on?



  

                   

You're in this now,

old bear.



  

                   

You have to coach.



  

                   

If I'm coaching,



  

                   

I need a captain

on the ice.



  

                   

Move it!



  

                   

Move it, Stevie!



  

                   

Come on, Birdie!



  

                   

Move it!



  

                   

- Move it, Birdie!

- I'm moving!



  

                   

Let's go, guys! Let's do this!



  

                   

Pick up your feet!



  

                   

Push over!



  

                   

Oh, man, I'm dying.



  

                   

You lose a puck

over there in the bank,



  

                   

you give it

to the other team.



  

                   

If you lose a puck...



  

                   

along the boards,

you gotta fight for it!



  

                   

Do you understand me?



  

                   

- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir!



  

                   

Come on, you guys!

Pick 'em up!



  

                   

Whoo!



  

                   

So, who are you gonna get?



  

                   

Oh, some celebrity.



  

                   

- To sing the National Anthem?

- Uh-huh.



  

                   

That's great.



  

                   

Yeah. Yeah, it's good.



  

                   

Coming!



  

                   

Don't worry.

I didn't come here to sleep with you.



  

                   

I came to see your husband.



  

                   

Can I talk to you

for a second?



  

                   

Uh...



  

                   

I, uh,



  

                   

I just wanted to say,



  

                   

you know,

that I'm sorry.



  

                   

Uh, the truth is,

I don't really think about anything.



  

                   

I play hockey

and I fornicate...



  

                   

because they're the two

most fun things in cold weather.



  

                   

And...



  

                   

when I get too old

to play in the game,



  

                   

I'll probably just end up a drunk,

like my dad.



  

                   

I didn't mean

to hurt you.



  

                   

And, uh,



  

                   

I know that your

being mayor and all,



  

                   

this game is a real

positive reflection on you.



  

                   

Anyway, I'm gonna do everything

I can to win this game...



  

                   

for Mystery,



  

                   

for dead Bailey,



  

                   

for you.



  

                   

That's all

I came to say.



  

                   

- Oh, my God!

- Is the whole team in there?



  

                   

- How are you? Welcome to Mystery.

- Oh, my God!



  

                   

- Steroids?

- Yeah.



  

                   

- Big. -

Uh-huh. - Yeah.



  

                   

Not that big.



  

                   

- Go for it!

- Hey, what's your name?



  

                   

- Make it out to Stevie.

- Stevie.



  

                   

- Here you go, Stevie.

- Wow.



  

                   

Uh, a little problem,

Johnny.



  

                   

- Aah!



  

                   

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

- I'm leaving town.



  

                   

- What are you doing?

- Come on. Get down.



  

                   

Why? It's my Zamboni, right?

I brought it here.



  

                   

- You want me to take you in?

- What, are you gonna arrest me for reckless Zamboni dri...



  

                   

Fine. Take me in, John.

I don't care.



  

                   

Why don't you impound

my helicopter?



  

                   

Whoa. Why don't you break

my goddamn nose too, huh?



  

                   

They'd probably elect you mayor.



  

                   

- You wanna get some coffee?

- L... Where's my parade? Huh?



  

                   

I brought 'em here.

Why don't I get a parade?



  

                   

You know what I'd settle for

is a thank you.



  

                   

This fuckin' town.



  

                   

You know, when I left,

this town rejected me.



  

                   

Huh?



  

                   

The day I checked out of here,

all I could think about...



  

                   

was the day I would chug back in

with a Pulitzer in my hand.



  

                   

And I would step off

that train and say,



   

                   

"Why don't you

skate on this, you... "



   

                   

I'm sick.

Oh, God, I'm sick. Oh, God.



   

                   

So that's what this

is all about, Charlie?



   

                   

You saying fuck you

to all of us?



   

                   

No, it's not.



   

                   

Goddamn, John,

what do I gotta do?



   

                   

Huh? This town is hockey,

hockey, hockey, right?



   

                   

So I bring back

the New York Rangers.



   

                   

- The New York Rangers!

- You don't get it, do you?



   

                   

Oh, I...

Clearly not.



   

                   

Well, leaving out the fact that you

set all this up for your own benefit,



   

                   

we agreed to a game

of pond hockey,



   

                   

on open ice.



   

                   

Now we're playing on a rink

in a box...



   

                   

boards, blue lines,

referees.



   

                   

What if we lose this game

  -zip, Charlie?



   

                   

You brought back

the one thing...



   

                   

that could tear the heart

out of this place.



   

                   

Now, either you

thought about that,



   

                   

or you didn't.



   

                   

- Finally got them down.

- Uh-huh.



   

                   

Dear Abby.



   

                   

All the words

are crossed out.



   

                   

Not the important ones.



   

                   

Just read it.



   

                   

"Radiant.



   

                   

Maximum.



   

                   

Madly.



   

                   

Fancy.



   

                   

Simple.



   

                   

Stamina.



   

                   

Wedding. "

John.



   

                   

Keep reading.



   

                   

"Body.



   

                   

Baby son.



   

                   

Bedroom. Morning.

Expressive. Tender.



   

                   

Take care.



   

                   

Love. Patience.



   

                   

Amends.



   

                   

Human. "



   

                   

It's beautiful, honey.



   

                   

John?



   

                   

Hey!



   

                   

Yeah.

Heard you lost a little.



   

                   

Ah! Whoo!

You can't catch me!



   

                   

Okay. All right.

Okay.



   

                   

Hmm.



   

                   

Mmm!



   

                   

Inuit, Eskimo... whatever.

Just zero in on faces that look local.



   

                   

Okay, ready, five?

Take five.



   

                   

Welcome back.

I'm Jim Fox.



   

                   

And joining me right now is

hockey legend Donnie Shulzhoffer...



   

                   

in from Flin Flon,

Manitoba.



   

                   

Donnie,

let's get right to it.



   

                   

I've had a chance to see the

Mystery team practice. They skate fast,



   

                   

and a couple of guys

can really shoot the puck.



   

                   

Look, the Alaskans have never taken on a

team of this size and skill before, okay?



   

                   

And don't kid yourself. The New York

Rangers are taking this game personal.



   

                   

All right?

It isn't exactly rocket surgery.



   

                   

Now send the kids

out of the room.



   

                   

I don't care how fast a skater you are,

if you don't play this game...



   

                   

with a big heart and a big

bag of knuckles...



   

                   

in front of the net,

you don't got dinky-do.



   

                   

- He'll see you now.

- Oh!



   

                   

Oh, wow.



   

                   

Uh, th...

Thank you for seeing me, Mister...



   

                   

Little Richard.



   

                   

This is an honor.



   

                   

May I?



   

                   

Little Richard,

I'm from Mystery.



   

                   

Now, this is a little town

that derives...



   

                   

much of its esteem

from hockey.



   

                   

I was wondering.



   

                   

When you're singing

the National Anthem...



   

                   

- Well...

- I'm cold.



   

                   

Yes.



   

                   

Which makes what I'm

about to ask...



   

                   

seem like

a monumental request.



   

                   

- Can I get one?

- Okay, everybody, get your newspapers here.



   

                   

- One newspaper apiece. Hi.

- Enjoy the game.



   

                   

Hello. I'm Doug McLeod,

and with me is NHL Hall of Famer...



   

                   

and two-time Stanley Cup winner,

Phil Esposito.



   

                   

It's the Great Alaskan

Hockey Rush...



   

                   

brought to you live

by the National Hockey League...



   

                   

and the Sports Broadcasting

Corporation,



   

                   

pitting the New York Rangers...



   

                   

against a Cinderella team from

the tiny town of Mystery, Alaska.



   

                   

And here come

the red, white and blue.



   

                   

- Look at this! Wow. No respect. I love it.



   

                   

And here come

the boys of winter.



   

                   

All right!



   

                   

Well, there are

only    skaters to the Rangers'   



   

                   

but also,

it's minus ten outside.



   

                   

That kind of cold

can be rough on the New Yorkers.



   

                   

There's no doubt about it. But Mystery's

going to need more than the cold on their side.



   

                   

- Yeah, Stevie!

- The town's grocer is their best scorer,



   

                   

their fastest guy

is a high school kid...



   

                   

and the captain

is the town sheriff.



   

                   

Like we said,

folks, this is a small town.



   

                   

And the size of this ice surface could

be an equalizer for the Mystery team.



   

                   

- It'll definitely help.

I've never seen ice this big.



   

                   

It's even bigger

than the Olympic rinks.



   

                   

And now,

to sing the National Anthem, the one,



   

                   

the only,

Little Richard!



   

                   

"Tutti Frutti"!



   

                   

This is great, huh?



   

                   

Camera three, stay off the Rangers.

They look miserable.



   

                   

They're freezing already. Why the hell

is he singing so goddamn slow?



   

                   

- Yeah!



   

                   

- Wow! Maybe the cold slowed him down.

- Beautiful.



   

                   

- All right, the starting lineups...



   

                   

 - Uh-oh. - Great!



   

                   

Starting to piss me off.



   

                   

Where does it say

Canadian National Anthem?



   

                   

- You all right?



   

                   

The Mystery team

has a shot, right?



   

                   

- A shot at what?



   

                   

Hey, listen, buddy.



   

                   

Do you know where a guy can get

a rub and a tug around here?



   

                   

What?



   

                   

Here we go. Let's play hockey.



   

                   

All the hoopla is over.



   

                   

The puck drops here.



   

                   

Jackson dumps Banks and gets the draw.



   

                   

Back to Billy Wasson.

He moves up and gives back toJackson.



   

                   

He takes it wide

and gains the Mystery zone.



   

                   

Down the borders with Lane

checkingJackson around the net.



   

                   

Back to Wasson, wide open.

Shoots... What a save by Holt!



   

                   

Get it out, guys!

Get it out!



   

                   

Mystery is rattled. They're

running around like a house league.



   

                   

- Don't chase! Don't chase!

- Get it!



   

                   

Jackson controls again.

Over to King.



   

                   

He moves it to Wasson,

over to Robertson.



   

                   

Nifty toe drag around Banks.

Shoots! And a save by Holt.



   

                   

- Shit.

- Rangers in control. Holt with another save!



   

                   

It's a shooting gallery out there!



   

                   

Wasson, a shot. Jackson shooting.



   

                   

Finally, Holt controls

the rebound.



   

                   

He dishes it around

behind the net forJohn Biebe.



   

                   

Take your time! Take your time!

- And the captain holds it there.



   

                   

Rangers press

as Mystery breaks out.



   

                   

- Biebe on over to Banks in the corner.

- Go to Connor!



   

                   

And there's the pass.



   

                   

Here comes Weeks.

He is behind the advance.



   

                   

It is one on one

with Sam Gainer.



   

                   

It is a two-man hockey game

right here!



   

                   

He leads left, goes right,

shoots... Scores!



   

                   

Weeks scores on the breakaway,

and Mystery leads, one to nothing.



   

                   

- That's cool!

- Unbelievable.



   

                   

One step and he was gone.



   

                   

That kid can actually fly.



   

                   

Two minutes

into the first period,



   

                   

Mystery gets

on the board first,



   

                   

- and this home crowd is going crazy.

- Whoo!



   

                   

Here we go at center ice.



   

                   

Rangers win again.

Duffin chased into the Mystery zone.



   

                   

Biebe back to get it.

Neskorami on the porch.



   

                   

And hard! He stamps the captain

into the screen!



   

                   

High sticking, fuck shit!



   

                   

- No!

- So much for a friendly exhibition game.



   

                   

- Play the man!

- Mystery has settled a bit,



   

                   

but the Rangers

continue to control.



   

                   

This is Ranger hockey.



   

                   

Wasson's back for a shot...

and Winetka steals!



   

                   

Here comes the odd-man rush.

It is Ben and Galin.



   

                   

Look at the passing here!



   

                   

Connolly trailing. Drop, pass, shot.



   

                   

- Saved by Gainer!

- Shit!



   

                   

He moves it around to Yeaton.

Swings a pass on the take to Lovulette.



   

                   

- Oh!

- Oh, yes, indeed!



   

                   

- Great hit.

- Did you see that? That's my Tree!



   

                   

- And some Rangers

take exception to that hit.



   

                   

Okay, that's it!

You're gone!



   

                   

Outta here. Get out.



   

                   

Hey, that one is too small, eh?



   

                   

Next time send me

a bigger one.



   

                   

The biggest one you got.



   

                   

Knock it off.

That'll be enough.



   

                   

Come on, this is your puck!



   

                   

Banks wins the draw.

Over to Marden, up toward Burns.



   

                   

And here they come,

five on four!



   

                   

Burns lays it

behind the net to Weeks.



   

                   

Now Mystery sets off on the power play

in the Ranger zone.



   

                   

They're looking to find Connor Banks.

He is the sniper.



   

                   

Biebe. Banks.

One-timer! Scores!



   

                   

- Yes!

- Yeah!



   

                   

Connor Banks and a one-timer

from Biebe! Wow!



   

                   

Great pass!

Great pass!



   

                   

And it's Mystery two

and the Rangers zero.



   

                   

This kid Connor

has got a shot like a bullet.



   

                   

I mean, he's a grocery clerk,

for crying out loud.



   

                   

The Rangers look stunned, Doug.



   

                   

We're bringing

them down, guys!



   

                   

Two-nothing.

Let's keep it up!



   

                   

- Whoo!

- They act like lumberjacks!



   

                   

Donnie, the Mystery boys... two

unanswered goals in the first period.



   

                   

Jimmy, you gotta love these kids.

God knows I do.



   

                   

What is going on?

Somebody lit a fire under their ass.



   

                   

This is A-number one,

first-class hockey.



   

                   

You know I'm not a fan

of that tippy-tappy,



   

                   

tic-tac-toe,

wide-open skating.



   

                   

But I'm telling you, some pretty

good goals. I'm loving these kids.



   

                   

I want to adopt them.

How's that?



   

                   

I want to clean them up

and raise them as my own.



   

                   

Someone who's

not surprised, Brian.



   

                   

Donna Biebe,

wife of captain John Biebe.



   

                   

- Well, what a period.

- Yes, it was.



   

                   

What's it like seeing your husband

out there with the New York Rangers?



   

                   

It's great.

It's something, actually.



   

                   

Did you see

your daddy out there?



   

                   

I have a toy pony.

He takes big shits.



   

                   

Excellent.

Back to you.



   

                   

Defensemen...



   

                   

use each other as outlets.



   

                   

- Yes, Coach!

- Hunt in corners!



   

                   

They're not that good.

We can beat these guys.



   

                   

- They're not that good!

- You're damn right we can!



   

                   

Yeah!



   

                   

Come on, let's go!



   

                   

Ready four? Take four.



   

                   

- Come on, Stevie!

- Steven Weeks, on the move.



   

                   

Carries out

of his own zone.



   

                   

Look out!

Yeaton rips the head off him!



   

                   

Weeks over the boards and into

the Ranger bench! Wow!



   

                   

- Come on!

- And now they help Weeks back onto the ice...



   

                   

- in that New York way.

- Give me my stick!



   

                   

Man, he's lucky

to get out of there alive.



   

                   

Well, the Rangers

have stepped it up, Phil.



   

                   

Coach Higgins must have had

one of his screaming fits...



   

                   

- between periods.

- Now, look at this.



   

                   

The Rangers are platooning

back and forth...



   

                   

between the warm

dressing room.



   

                   

Well, that's something I've never seen.

- That's not legal.



   

                   

Is that legal?

That's not legal.



   

                   

The Rangers continue the pressure.



   

                   

Pick up the man in front!

Pick him up!



   

                   

Scores!



   

                   

And the Rangers

are finally on the board.



   

                   

Let's go, guys.

Let's go!



   

                   

Rangers on another rush.

Three on two, wide across the ice.



   

                   

Back into the slot,

shot, scores!



   

                   

The slap shot beats Holt

on the stick side,



   

                   

and that ties it up

at two.



   

                   

Put a body in front of him!



   

                   

Rangers go back to work now.

Robertson to Wasson.



   

                   

There's a move

behind the net to Rourke.



   

                   

Apuck shot to...

Shoots and he scores!



   

                   

- Yeah!

- That's hockey!



   

                   

It's really

starting to unravel for Mystery.



   

                   

They just lost their composure,

and now they are paying for it.



   

                   

Rangers take their first lead

of the game, three to two,



   

                   

with    minutes left

in the period.



   

                   

And back comes Mystery.

Birdie Burns with Biebe.



   

                   

Burns shooting!



   

                   

- What the fuck was that?

- Biebe torpedoed into the net!



   

                   

That sets off

another scuffle.



   

                   

Hey, fuck you!



   

                   

He's back up

and rejoins the play.



   

                   

- Burns carries through centre ice.

- Pass it!



   

                   

He's got Banks on the wing. Pass to

the middle. Robertson catches it.



   

                   

Oh! What a hit!



   

                   

Birdie Burns is caught

trying to do it all by himself...



   

                   

and he got his wings trimmed

right there, man.



   

                   

Birdie.

You don't pass, you sit.



   

                   

Now Skank Marden carries out.



   

                   

Hooked by Neskorami,

Marden goes down.



   

                   

- Rangers score!

- What the hell was that?



   

                   

- Marden was hooked.

- Are you crazy?



   

                   

- How many times are you gonna

let him hook me?



   

                   

Back off!

Back off!



   

                   

And another Ranger line comes

back warm from the locker room.



   

                   

Holt comes out

and sheriff's deputy...



   

                   

Bobby Michan goes in at goal.



   

                   

Saved!

Michan stacks the pads!



   

                   

And Mystery comes

streaking back the other way.



   

                   

The Winetkas lead the way.

They gain the zone.



   

                   

Back over the blue line.

And it's intercepted!



   

                   

- Jackson's on a breakaway!

- On center ice.



   

                   

- No way.

- And Lane chases.



   

                   

He... scores!



   

                   

Five unanswered goals,

and the Rangers are steamrolling.



   

                   

- Come on, Mystery!

- Damn!



   

                   

We'll be right back

with the third period.



   

                   

Different story

in the second period.



   

                   

The Rangers have all the momentum now.

Five straight goals.



   

                   

I feel really bad for these boys, Jimmy.

I really do.



   

                   

Nobody told them

it was just a show.



   

                   

There's still a period to go.

Twenty minutes. Any hope?



   

                   

- I hate to say it. They're done like dinner.

- Aw, bullshit.



   

                   

Hey, we're on the air.



   

                   

Don't panic.

Don't panic.



   

                   

We'll get our shots.

We're not out.



   

                   

Balls to the walls, huh?



   

                   

- You're gonna need some stitches, John.

- After.



   

                   

Oh, Jesus. Can't hold a stick.



   

                   

It might be broken.



   

                   

Well, tape it,

'cause I'm not coming out.



   

                   

- Tape it.

- We'll look at it after the game, all right?



   

                   

- You all right, John?

- Yeah.



   

                   

Here's what I want.

One man in, wings on wings.



   

                   

- Nobody pinches. Trap the neutral zone.

- Why? We're down.



   

                   

I want to keep the score close. As long

as it's not a rout, we go home winners.



   

                   

Now, if we gain the zone,

you get across the blue line, you dump.



   

                   

- Send in only the first guy.

- What are you talking about?



   

                   

- I'm talking about we're beaten.

- We're not beaten.



   

                   

I'm not beaten!



   

                   

We're in this game!



   

                   

- Anybody here

tired? - No. - No.



   

                   

- Anybody fuckin' tired?

- No!



   

                   

- Holt?

- I'm just warming up, Sheriff.



   

                   

- Connor?

- I'm ready, John.



   

                   

- Birdie, you with us?

- Yup.



   

                   

Good. The Rangers are starting

to breathe through their mouths.



   

                   

Their strides

are getting shorter.



   

                   

Do not give these guys

too much respect.



   

                   

- They didn't pull a dog sled, did they?

- No.



   

                   

- They didn't skate the river, did they?

- No.



   

                   

Forget about that fucking

circus out there.



   

                   

That's still black ice.

This is our pond.



   

                   

- You're goddamn right.

- That's right.



   

                   

- Biebe's right.

We gotta take it to these guys.



   

                   

Heads up!



   

                   

This is our pond.



   

                   

Nice assist.



   

                   

- I will. I will.

- We gotta do it together, man.



   

                   

Mystery is hoping the cold

of night will stem this Ranger tide.



   

                   

- Get it, John!

- But the Rangers are right back on the attack.



   

                   

Oh!

And a huge hit by Biebe!



   

                   

It's payback time,

and that one's for Stevie Weeks.



   

                   

Face-off on the Rangers'end.

Rangers get the draw.



   

                   

Cangrapoole along the boards.

Lane pitches, and the puck squirts free.



   

                   

- Jackson's got it!

- Eleven, pick him up!



   

                   

Come on, boys.

Cover it!



   

                   

He's gone on the breakaway.

This could really put Mystery away.



   

                   

They're chasing,

butJackson's all alone.



   

                   

- Come on!

- Jackson fakes and shoots!



   

                   

A huge save by Holt!



   

                   

Holt stood on his head.

I've never seen a save like that!



   

                   

Great save, Holt.

Come on, guys.



   

                   

Come on, Tree. Let's go, baby.

Come on, Galin. Let's go now.



   

                   

Face-off at the Mystery

blue line.



   

                   

Rangers win the draw.

Back to Rory.



   

                   

- And both Winetkas forecheck.

- Take it in!



   

                   

Galin knocks the puck to brother Ben

and carries it into the zone.



   

                   

Connolly trails.

He has it in his sights.



   

                   

He shoots...

Scores!



   

                   

And he rips the shot

over Gainer's glove!



   

                   

Yeah! Ha!

Yeah!



   

                   

- Goal by   .

- All right, we're back in it, boys!



   

                   

Wow, Johnny!



   

                   

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Let's go!



   

                   

That makes it five to three,

and Mystery has a pulse again.



   

                   

But the Rangers

control the puck.



   

                   

Back to Wasson. He winds for the shot.

Marden drops to block.



   

                   

- Oh, my god.

Oh, man! Does that gotta hurt!



   

                   

- Oh, Mommy.

- He really took one in the siege for the team.



   

                   

Mystery gets the loose puck

and heads the other way.



   

                   

Now Marden is slow to get up.



   

                   

And Phil, you don't see a guy just

lie down in front of a Billy Wasson...



   

                   

  -mile-an-hour slap shot

very often.



   

                   

Mystery is giving everything

they've got. This is great hockey.



   

                   

Everybody in!



   

                   

As soon as you cross

the blue line,



   

                   

- Holt, you come, Skank, you go.

- Yeah.



   

                   

Three men on the puck.

Defense, you gotta pinch!



   

                   

Throw it at the net.

Everybody's gotta crash.



   

                   

- Come on, let's go!

- Right with you, sir.



   

                   

- Hang if you have to, Connor.

- Got it.



   

                   

Blow it out your ass.



   

                   

- Plenty of time. Plenty of time. Let's go!

- Come on, guys!



   

                   

 :  .

Two goals down.



   

                   

- And time is running out for Mystery.

- Desperation time, Doug.



   

                   

Look for Burns

to pull their goalie.



   

                   

They want to get that extra attacker

into the play.



   

                   

Come on! It's not over!

Mystery! Mystery!



   

                   

- Mystery! Mystery!

- Mystery! Mystery!



   

                   

Let's rock, boys.

Let's get it going!



   

                   

Mystery! Mystery!



   

                   

And Banks wins it.

Biebe carries.



   

                   

- And there goes Holt.

Six attackers. The net's empty.



   

                   

On the wing to Weeks. He gains the zone.



   

                   

And here comes Mystery.

Let's see how they work the puck.



   

                   

From right wing to right point,

down low to Birdie Burns.



   

                   

Here comes Burns, working for a shot.

He's gonna shoot.



   

                   

No, he passes the puck

to Biebe! Shoots!



   

                   

- Scores!

- Yea!



   

                   

Biebe scores off a great pass

from Birdie Burns.



   

                   

- Yeah!

- Five to four, Mystery down by one,



   

                   

and now,    seconds to play.



   

                   

- It's not over yet!

- Who would have ever guessed it would get to this?



   

                   

- Did you see that?

- Mystery, Alaska, one goal away from tying the New York Rangers.



   

                   

Come on!

One more! One more!



   

                   

Don't rush the shot.

Three men across the blue line.



   

                   

Skank, you in the middle.



   

                   

- Yeah.

- Work it down low, look for Connor. Don't rush it.



   

                   

Forty-three seconds,



   

                   

and then the rest

of your lives.



   

                   

Forty-three seconds.

You own that time.



   

                   

It's your time.

Am I right?



   

                   

- Right on!

- Take it! Take it!



   

                   

Mystery's gonna keep

their goalie on the bench.



   

                   

Six on five,

with the empty net behind.



   

                   

They're going for it.

Everything's on the line!



   

                   

This is what this game's

all about.



   

                   

Rangers win the draw.

Robertson for the empty net!



   

                   

And he just missed it!



   

                   

Plenty of time!

Plenty of time!



   

                   

Biebe slowing it down

behind the net.



   

                   

Stay high.

All the way in, Stevie.



   

                   

Now Weeks takes it

and carries it on down the wing.



   

                   

This kid still has got the jets.

- Yes! Yes!



   

                   

They'll be working

to free up Connor Banks in the slot.



   

                   

Here comes Mystery.

Banks trying to get free.



   

                   

Biebe's got it!

Here comes Connor Banks!



   

                   

He's got a shot!



   

                   

Wow.



   

                   

Mystery! Mystery!



   

                   

- Good game.

- Good game.



   

                   

- Good game.

- Good game.



   

                   

Nice game.



   

                   

Great game, son.



   

                   

Great game, Judge.



   

                   

- Stevie!

- Hey.



   

                   

- I can't believe you're leaving.

- I know.



   

                   

We never even had sex.



   

                   

I'll be back

in a couple of months.



   

                   

You better.



   

                   

- For real?

- Can you believe it?



   

                   

- Oh, man!

- Yeah, I know.



   

                   

Your little garden

is gonna have fun.



   

                   

There's some serious turnip to hoe

in New York City.



   

                   

I'm not going to the New York Rangers

right away.



   

                   

They're sending me to Binghamton,

which is like the AHL.



   

                   

Yeah!



   

                   

- Stevie Weeks too?

- Yeah.



   

                   

Both to Binghamton, huh?

Two-way contracts.



   

                   

To start with.

They'll make it.



   

                   

They won't be coming back.



   

                   

Shame they couldn't take

Skank with them, huh?



   

                   

Well, good for you, John. You'll be

back in the Saturday game then.



   

                   

Uh-huh. Yeah. Until you can

find a way to bump me again.



   

                   

All right, folks.

Gotta go.



   

                   

Love to stay,

but, uh, gotta go.



   

                   

- You're not going on the helicopter?

- No.



   

                   

There's no room on that thing. I got

a car waiting to take me to Fairbanks.



   

                   

- Hey, Charlie.

- Yeah?



   

                   

Thank you.



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

I'm gonna say goodbye

to Connor.



   

                   

He's a...



   

                   

You got a great

family there.



   

                   

- I do.

- Yeah.



   

                   

Well, we don't have to say goodbye,

really. I hope to be back in June.



   

                   

Don't bring the Yankees.



   

                   

I love you.



   

                   

Bye.



   

                   

Bye.



   

                   

John.



   

                   

Bye.



   

                   

So that blocked shot

must have really hurt, huh?



   

                   

Not too bad.



   

                   

'Cause I have three hours

till my crew's ready to leave.













  

 
Special help by SergeiK