Voila! Finally, the The Naked Gun 33 1/3
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Leslie Nielsen movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Naked Gun 33 1/3. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hey, look! It's the President!
And the Pope!
Oh, my God! Look! It's disgruntled postal workers.
Wait a minute! Give me my baby back!
- Are you all right? - I'm soaking wet.
- I'll get the talcum powder. - It's not that.
I had a nightmare. Crime all around me, I couldn't stop it.
- Frank, it was just a dream. - You're right.
All I need is a good night's rest. Tomorrow everything will be fine.
How's my little boy? Getting along OK, sweetie?
As well as a heterosexual can in prison. I don't know if I can take it any longer.
- How's Tanya? - Tanya's the same.
Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, firm buttocks,
ample breasts, ears you'd love to stick your tongue into...
- I'll get guy cramps if you keep this up. - Sorry.
There's somebody here to see you.
- My people are very upset. - Of course, they're Arab terrorists.
You're supposed to be the world's best terrorist bomber.
- Train stations, government buildings. - The devastation in South Florida.
- That was Hurricane Andrew. - That's what they told the public.
We wanted to embarrass the USA. You've made the police look like heroes.
I told you. A first-class job would cost five million.
If you want to step up the price,
I got a target that'll make City Hall look like chicken feed.
A big target. Why should anything be different?
Because five million dollars buys me!
I'm breaking out of here.
If you fail this time, Mr Dillon, my people won't be so forgiving.
Fail? Show me one man who can stop me.
y:i Attention shoppers, be sure to check y:i out our special on paper towels.
y:i That's aisle seven.
- Give it to me! - My purse! Somebody help me!
- Let go of the purse, lady! - Help me!
For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow...
...which nobody can deny.
Well, we shot a lot of people together. It's been great.
Today I retire. If I do any shooting now, it'll have to be in my own home.
Hopefully, it'll be an intruder and not an in-law like at my bachelor party.
Ed, I officially give you my gun...
...and my badge.
And... Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs as a souvenir.
Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. This is just "I won't ever see you again".
- Somebody help me! - Out of my way!
- Lt. Drebin! Frank! Didn't you see that? - What? Oh...
Yes, kitty litter. Two bags for a dollar. Great!
y:i Order. The jury will disregard that y:i last statement. Continue, counsellor.
- The alimony had been set by the court. - Yes, but...
You haven't paid alimony in two years, repeatedly defying a court order.
- Isn't that right, Mr Clayton? - I'd lost her address. She moved twice.
Don't lie to me. You're under oath.
Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?
- I'll ask you that again. - Objection!
Your Honour, I... Ow, ow, gee.
- Counsel is leading the witness. - Sustained!
Mommy said no pounding when she's in session.
Read the prosecution's last statement.
"Don't lie to me, Mr Clayton. You're under oath." Good boy.
"Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"
That's all I have, Your Honour.
You may continue, Ms Spencer-Drebin.
Defence Attorney Ms Davies-Jacobs-Steiner-Lazlo.
No further questions.
Court will recess until after the morning feeding.
- We can win this. I can feel it. - Yes, of course.
- I married the wrong man. - I never thought that was possible.
- I beg your pardon? - Oh, nothing.
Louise, there's no such thing as the wrong man.
You just have to work at it.
Now, let's see. Mr and Mrs Drebin, right?
Now, you two have been married for six months?
Yes. We really appreciate you seeing us, Doctor.
Our last therapist recommended you.
Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide.
A couple need to get off on the right foot and not get caught up in blame.
- Now, which one of you is impotent? - That would be him.
Yes, of course.
- Why don't you ask who's frigid? - That would be him.
- How would you know? - He resents that I'm a working woman.
He has no idea what a woman wants or needs.
- You're so insensitive. - Is this that toilet seat thing?
I want to have a baby. Every time we make love, you have a headache.
I'm not a piece of meat. I'm trying!
I've got ointments, lotions, creams, books, things that vibrate...
- Frank! - Maybe it's your fault.
Have you tried sexy lingerie? Lacy underwear? A black teddy?
- I've tried them all. They don't work. - Oh!
Why don't you want a child?
Didn't I try to adopt that -year old Korean girl?
Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest.
Make tonight a special night. Dinner, wine, romantic music.
Put on the -hour Johnny Mathis station. Just be Jane and Frank.
We haven't had a night like that in a long time.
- Not together. - Frank!
Jane, having a baby is a big responsibility.
Like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail.
I'm just frightened.
Let's make tonight something special.
Oh, honey, it's just that I love you so much.
My little lover sparrow.
My puppy wuppy wuvver.
My little love biscuit.
- My little snookie wookums. - My little lady cheesy puffy.
Mr and Mrs Drebin, please, I'm a diabetic. I think you ought to go now.
- "I never thought we'd end this way." - "How did you think we'd end?"
y:i I don't know. Some other way.
y:i Oh, Jason, please...
- "I've been hurt before." - "We have to fight this thing together."
Ed, Nordberg! It's been a long time!
- Good to see you, buddy. - You look terrific.
I'm taking a step class, and I got a thigh master for Christmas.
Where are my manners? Come on in!
- How charming! - Sit, sit.
Excuse the mess. It's my ironing day. I've just frosted some cupcakes.
- Would you care for one? - Not now.
We're having trouble with a terrorist threat.
- Police Squad is certain that... - I'd love a cupcake.
- That coffee smells great. - I grind my own beans.
We're here because we need your help with something.
- They're great! - I'd hoped you'd like them.
Made from scratch. I'll just get off my feet.
We may have a lead on a suspect in the City Hall bombing attempt.
These were taken by a photographer.
- She was used as a diversion. - We've had them enlarged.
- They look familiar. - No, Frank, the pin. She's a nurse.
Can I keep this one?
We traced her to the Karlson Clinic on Myrtlewood. Her name is Tanya Peters.
- Do you know her? - Don't you remember back in the s?
The big disco shoot out.
Hey, Ed. What's happening, my man?
We missed you last night at the fondue party.
Couldn't make it. I saw the Village People. They're gas.
- Far out, I can dig it! - What's this?
One dead disco dancer.
- Bummer! What a mind bender. - We think it was a love triangle.
This is the suspect's girlfriend, Tanya Peters.
- Cigarette? - Yes, I know.
We'll need a statement from you down at the station.
- Nordberg! - Coming, lieutenant!
I do remember! You were one of the first test cases for minoxidol.
- What? - I'm glad I could be of help.
If you don't mind, I've got a rump of lamb to roast.
- We need a favour. - It's not that big a rump roast.
It's not that. We need you to go undercover at the clinic.
I've quit police work. You're whistling up the wrong neck of the woods.
I wouldn't ask, but we're in a bind.
- What about Hedges and O'Malley? - They're in Hawaii... together.
I can't. Jane and I have a special evening planned.
It'll only take a few hours. Still time to make dinner.
I don't know. I'll have to make pork chops.
Think of all the crime. Nobody is safe. You'd be protecting Jane.
You'd be protecting all the Janes of the world.
- You haven't shot anybody in months. - That's true.
Funny how you miss the little things.
Might be good to feel cold steel against my thigh again.
The thrill of a chase... to be a man!
y:i After folding the laundry, y:i I set out for the clinic.
y:i Police operations require y:i a foolproof disguise.
y:i This operation was no different.
y:i I had no idea if Tanya would y:i recognise me, so I wore fake glasses.
y:i I combed my hair differently, y:i just in case.
y:i I planned to get in and find out about y:i Tanya's connection with the bombing,
y:i and get out as quickly as possible.
y:i I figured faking an old football injury y:i would do the trick.
- Can I help you? - I'd like to see a doctor.
Sign in here, please. Do you have an appointment, Mr...?
Smith. No, I don't.
- Then take a number. - Six.
- What? - Is six taken?
Does it have to be between one and ten?
- You'll be called. - Thank you.
We've had a cancellation. We can take you now. Dr Kohlzak?
Good morning, Mr Smith. Right this way.
I appreciate you seeing me. I'm sure it won't take too long.
- When did you first notice the problem? - In the back yard with my uncle.
- In the back yard? With your uncle? - Yes, when he visits...
...we like to go out in the back yard and throw it around.
What did you and your uncle find out?
I can't keep up with him. Mine hurt, especially on the long ones.
I can't seem to straighten it out. It has no feeling. It's kind of numb.
I may have yanked it too much, maybe.
- If you would... - For what?
- A sperm count. - In here?
It's not exactly the back yard, but it will do.
Follow me, and we'll do the necessary paperwork.
Sign these at the bottom, and leave them with the nurse.
- This way, please. - What?
- Number . - A problem?
- No. - This is . You're next.
- Have we met before? - If you excuse me, I'm next.
Mr Smith, how are we doing?
I've been busy, if that's what you mean.
Would you like a video tape to assist you?
Do you have "Dances With Wolves"? "Rocketeer"? "Lady And The Tramp"?
An adult movie.
The tape was very entertaining.
Do you have "Spartacus"?
y:i Maintenance, clean up Room . y:i Maintenance, clean up Room .
- What are you doing? - Freshening up.
You should always look your best, even by yourself.
Are you sure we've never met?
Oh, here's my cup. Back to work.
Mr Smith, are you OK in there?
I could use a little help.
Dr Rosenblatt, foreplay in Room please.
Honey, I've been waiting all day.
I'm wearing the nightgown you bought me for our honeymoon.
Tonight's gonna be special. I'll make love to you for hours and hours.
Wouldn't Mr Happy like that?
- Hours? - Like our first time together.
Why don't I get ready and soak in the tub for a couple of days?
Possibly a week.
So cute! Let me go and get the oysters and clams.
Here. I'll shave your back like last time.
Jane, I really don't think we should.
- Frank, what's this?! - I fell... on a rake.
You're lying. Now I know why Ed's been calling.
- You've been back on the case. - No, I swear. It's another woman.
In your wildest dreams!
It's bad enough you won't have a baby. I warned you against working again.
You white Anglo male!
Jane, it was nothing. I was only doing Ed a small favour.
Some retirement! I'm leaving. I never thought you'd go back on your word.
- Aren't you being a little hasty? - I don't think so.
That's the cab. You can reach me at Louise's.
How could you? We need some time apart to think about us.
I'm not going to think. Why now? I love you.
Look, I am what I am, and I do what I do.
Some make shoelaces, some make a living neutering animals.
- I am a cop. - Pretty speech.
My mind is made up, I'm leaving!
All right, then take this with you.
I guess you know how my lips feel about things.
y:i Your listening to K.S.A.D. y:i All depressing, all the time.
y:i Here's a dedication to Frank y:i from Jane calling from a taxi.
y:i You not only shoot blanks, y:i you leave the door open,
y:i letting the heat out. y:i Were you born in a barn?
He wouldn't do any more police work. Once a cop, always a cop.
- He's married to his work, not me. - You'll come second.
There's an article in Cosmo, "Why All Men Are Pigs". Read it!
Frank's just another word for "loser". I never want to see him again.
I want to get far away from here.
We'll go to my friend's cabin. The fresh air will do you good.
Go easy! That's your second bottle of Chanel.
This is the beginning of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin.
No more Miss Perky who devoted her life to one man.
I'm out for the new me. Let's burn rubber!
- Have you forgotten anything? - I hope not.
Calm down. How many bodies did you find in your pool?
In this state killing a gang member is only an $ fine.
- Frank! Glad you could make it. - Welcome, buddy.
- Nordberg, Ed. - Did you find Tanya's address?
I wrote it down on a hanky, and I can't remember what I did with it.
- I'm getting rusty. - That could happen to anybody.
I brought you some of "Frank's Never Fail Fudge".
- Go on about your business. - Smells great.
- I'll stay out of your hair. - It'll be just like...
Frank, let me get that. We have a surprise for you.
In honour of your years on the force. Nordberg!
Oh, boy. This is really great.
Thank you, guys.
It might cheer you up. We heard about you and Jane.
Jane, Jane... The name will always remind me of her.
I feel bad about this. If there's anything you need...?
- Like Dr Kevorkian's home number. - Nordberg, put it together!
- We're here for you. - Thanks.
- Look who's here. Nice to see you. - Ted.
- I have data for you on the bomb. - What did you find out?
- The explosive is a very fine powder. - It tastes like...
That's fertilizer. It's for another case.
This is what I'm talking about.
- We detected nitroglycerine. - Can you tell us where it came from?
I'd be glad to.
Billions of years ago, the earth was a molten mass...
- I mean the powder. - We have no clue.
Let me take that urine, Frank.
We found a list of the bomber's plans at the scene.
- We analysed the paper. - And?
The paper is from Statesville Prison.
- Are you sure? - Positive.
The wood is from the rare Canary Island Pine. It only grows in Oregon.
Contacting paper mills led us to a distribution centre in Tacoma.
There the trail ended.
- How did you trace it to Statesville? - The letterhead.
We compared the handwriting of all bombers serving in Statesville
and found a suspect, Rocco Dillon.
He's masterminding the bombings from the prison.
If so, there's only one way to find out where Rocco'll strike next.
- We'll have to send someone in prison. - I'll do it.
I wouldn't feel right about that.
If Rocco finds out, you might end up dead.
"You might end up dead" is my middle name.
- What about Jane? - I don't know hers.
I need the action. I'm going inside the big house.
Frank, Ed, you might want to see this.
We're testing a prototype for a new anti-carjacking device.
You'll get to see how it works.
- Get out! - No.
Don't make me use...
"The Denver Jockstrap".
y:i After being retired for six months, y:i I was back in action.
y:i Faster than you say "Spread'em!", y:i I was inside Statesville Prison.
y:i I was surrounded by pimps, y:i rapists and murderers.
y:i It was like being in the stands y:i of an LA Raiders' game.
y:i It was going to take all my police y:i experience just to stay alive in here.
y:i After a long and generous cavity y:i search, I reached my destination:
y:i Maximum security, home of some y:i of the country's most violent sociopaths.
y:i And the worst of them all, Rocco Dillon.
All right, in here.
Ain't no prison yet could hold me. Attica! Attica! Power to the brothers.
Kill whitey, kill whitey!
Knock it off!
You're chirping loud for a new canary.
Keep flashing your eyes, and I'll balance your jaw.
Hey! You know who you're talking to? The man is Rocco Dillon.
- Where's your prison number? - It's unlisted.
Just call me Nick "The Slasher" Magirk.
Look, ham head. I'm the muscle in this pen. Stay out of my way.
Just watch your step, Magirk.
Take it from me, this place changes a man.
- Oh, yeah, in what way? - I used to be white.
I was the drummer for the Osmonds.
Screw with me, he'll make you feel pain you've never felt before.
I know, I remember the Osmonds.
- Better hit the rack, Magirk. - In a minute.
First I'll make a list of the people I'm gonna kill in the next few days.
y:i Lights out! y:i Lock down in two minutes!
y:i My dearest snookie wookums buns,
y:i I miss you so much. y:i I haven't felt this bad since...
y:i the last time I was dumped.
y:i I remember it well. y:i Her name was Gabriella.
y:i We were supposed to marry,
y:i but on our wedding day, y:i she never showed up.
y:i I was heartbroken, destroyed. y:i I figured she'd fallen for another man.
y:i Someone who could do to her y:i what I never could.
y:i I thought my life was over y:i until that one glorious day.
y:i That was the day you became my wife. y:i All our friends celebrated our love.
y:i It seemed like only yesterday. y:i We were all so overjoyed.
y:i We wished they all could come with us. y:i That was the happiest day of my life.
y:i I'll never forget the plans we made. y:i Things were going to be perfect.
y:i We were going to get y:i that housekeeper you always wanted.
Hi, Mr and Mrs D.
y:i I knew that eventually our dream y:i would come true.
y:i One day we'd have y:i our own Frank Drebin Jr.
Shut up, Magirk. I'm trying to sleep.
y:i It's no use. She'll never come back.
Bend over and pick it up for me...
...would you, lover?
y:i Rocco could tell from my escapade in y:i the shower that I was courageous.
y:i Now, I had to get on the inside.
y:i Like a blind man at an orgy, y:i I would have to feel things out.
Tyrone, I've got the escape plans here. Just you and me.
- Burnett wants in, too. - He's a guard!
- I know, but he's unhappy here. - All right, whatever.
Got it all worked out right here.
What's this? Another letter from your mommy?
- That's private, screw. - Let's have a look.
- Give him back his letter. - Buzz off, butter cheeks.
What's so special about a little letter?
Wait a minute... an escape plan!
This is your ticket to another years. If the Warden gets one look...
You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it.
This is more like gruel!
This Chateau LeBlanc ' is supposed to be served slightly chilled.
This is room temperature.
- What do you think we are? Animals? - No!
What are we?
You're right! We are men! We are men!
We are men! We are men!
No, no. Stop!
Right hand red, left hand blue. Who's got a hand in my pocket?
Come on, son. You can do it. Eat some beans.
You saved my bacon. I'd be in solitary if you hadn't done that.
You've been handling yourself really good.
- Really well. - Whatever.
I've got something big coming up. I could have use for you.
You've got a dental plan? What's the caper?
We've got to bust out of this playpen. Thanks to you, we have an escape plan.
- It's a good plan. - I've had better.
Listen, I've got a foolproof plan.
They've got Tyrone.
Can't we all just get along?
y:i Now that Tyrone was in solitary, y:i it was just me and Rocco.
y:i He had no choice but to trust me... y:i Shh! Hold on!
y:i Anyway, I convinced Rocco y:i to dig a tunnel.
y:i It was either that or the laundry truck.
y:i The thought of lying nose down y:i in underwear with skid marks
y:i didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.
y:i Disposing of the dirt y:i was a problem I solved early.
y:i Outside of some major chaffing, y:i we made good progress.
y:i We kept digging, and dummies gave y:i the impression we were in our cell.
Lights out, Magirk.
y:i There was more dirt than I anticipated. y:i Disposing of it was tricky.
Where are you going? Are you thinking of Frank again?
- They are playing our song. - I understand. Take your time.
- Hello, there. - Excuse me.
I'm hauling a load of rice cakes to Big D.
- Why don't you come? - No.
- How about a kiss? - No!
I know women mean "yes" when they say "no". How about that kiss?
- Yes. - What do you mean "no"?
Come on, baby, we're two of a kind.
- You killed him! - It was an accident. Call the police.
Come to your senses. You killed a man. You're a hero to all American women!
Call Frank. He'll protect us.
He's a man. He'll lock you away for life.
I wanna help you kill as many men as possible.
Do what you have to do. I'm calling Frank.
Be home, Frank, please. Answer the phone, snuggie pants. Frank!
- "Hi, this is Frank." - "And Jane. We're the Drebins."
y:i We're not home right now. y:i Leave a message.
- "Which button do I press?" - "Not that one."
Tanya? It was another woman. Frank was telling the truth.
Honeymoon Bay Road, I bet they're there right now. Oh, Frank!
There's been a rumour of a possible break-out.
If we suspect anyone of attempting to escape,
they will be punished severely.
y:i Once word of the escape was out, y:i we had to move for the tunnel.
y:i The last few feet y:i had to be dug on the run.
y:i We were sure that another yards y:i would take us beyond the prison walls.
May he rest in peace in the arms of our loving... Jesus Christ!
y:i Rocco had arranged for y:i a getaway car to meet us.
y:i After adjusting our direction, y:i we arrived at the rendezvous point...
y:i ... a Los Angeles city high school.
Hey, that was close. Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag?
- She take one in the face? - She's my mother!
Mrs Dillon, your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal.
- You must be very proud of him. - I am.
Ma, I want you to meet a real square egg, Nick "The Slasher" Magirk.
There are fresh clothes in the back.
y:i Rocco's mother was quiet. I sensed y:i she didn't like me coming along.
y:i Like a midget at a urinal, y:i I would have to stay on my toes.
It wasn't my fault. That cow shouldn't have been on the road.
Hurry up, you're letting the flies in!
- What do you think, kid? - Sweet setup.
No phones. Miles from the nearest town. Playboy Channel. Perfect.
Nice digs, but I'm here for the action. Are we taking banks or armoured cars?
- You're getting too nosy, Magirk. - Relax, Ma.
- She's been itching to try this gun. - I know the feeling.
y:i It was Tanya. y:i That bathing suit was never happier.
y:i I had only a second to admire the view. y:i I had to watch out.
y:i If she made me as a cop, y:i I'd be tonight's meat loaf.
- Come here, sexy. - You're all woman. I can tell.
Hey, she's referring to me.
I was talking about your mother.
That's no way to be walking around. Get clothes on.
And what are you doing in my bathing suit?
- Hey, who's the stud? - Meet our newest gang member.
Slasher Magirk, meet Tanya Peters.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
I smelt cop the minute I saw him.
I get that all the time. The underwear ads.
Are you saying you're not a cop?
- That's good enough for me. - I'm fine.
I'm glad that's all cleared up.
Ma, why don't you two kiss and make up?
Well, all right.
That's more like it.
y:i I had to get a message to the squad.
y:i This was more y:i than I could handle by myself.
y:i No phone and miles from people, I was y:i worse off than a gerbil in a bath house.
Slasher, have you seen my pigeon?
Pigeon? What pigeon?
- What are you doing? - I'm just...
...contemplating my next move.
Your bishop is exposed.
It's these pants. I usually wear a fuller cut.
You're all man. I like that in my men.
You're coming on to me big time, purring like a kitten with a mouse.
- But we got a problem. - You're Jewish?
No. You're Rocco's girl.
In my book that chapter is called "Look, But Don't Touch".
I could have two lovers.
Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball,
one on one and with as little dribbling as possible.
You're tense, Slasher.
I could relax more, if I knew what was on tomorrow.
Do you know anything about that?
All I know is that it's downtown and... big.
That's the way I like it. What else?
- What are you doing? - Thank you for the advice.
- I'll try that recipe out, Ms Peters. - How could you?
You shove your tongue as far down as you can.
Quiet. You're not supposed to know me here.
That's a goodbye kiss, sister.
- What's this? Who's the skirt? - Just some dizzy dame.
Her car broke down. I'll take her to the bus.
Look, she's married. What if her husband comes here?
- He will. He must be great. - He breaks promises.
And you traipse all over to spite a wonderful guy.
- He left me. - You left him.
- You should talk! - Listen to you.
- Listen to you! - Listen to you!
You two, knock it off! You'd think you were married.
- What do you want to do with her? - One thing is for sure...
...there's no room for her here. - I say we bump her off.
- Let's plug her. - No. I was on a job that went hooey.
I'd have given my eyeteeth for a hostage. Women make the best ones.
They are smaller, easy to take along, eat less, smell nice.
Yeah, we got us an insurance policy. Good thinking, kid.
Come on, let's get some shut-eye. We got a big day ahead of us.
It's rigged. Keep your eye on the tower.
- It's what's going to happen tonight. - Aren't we awfully far away?
On the top of that tower is a device that's going to net us five million bucks.
A thing I've been working on. We'll detonate it this evening
at an event the whole world will be watching.
- Your crowning achievement. - It's for both of us, Ma.
- All set? - Set.
America will be brought to its knees by this terrorist act.
It'll be more embarrassing to the US than Tonya Harding.
We're there. Give my regards to Mrs Gaddafi.
And tell her thanks for the cookies.
y:i It's another beautiful night in LA,
y:i and the stars are shining bright y:i for the th annual Academy Awards.
y:i Fans are clamouring y:i to see their favourite celebrities.
y:i Here are two, "Weird Al" Yankovic y:i and Vanna White.
Slasher, put the dame in the trunk.
I'll meet you and Ma around the back in ten minutes.
Got the passes?
- We pull this up, it's million big ones. - Not bad, Ma.
- What's going to happen to me? - I have an idea.
- Slasher, you know what to do. - Right.
Check the spare tyre and all fluid levels.
No, keep an eye on the dame. We hit trouble, she's a bullet shield.
y:i Ladies and gentlemen, to present y:i the Academy's Lifetime Achievement...
Ready, . Roll tape. Go to clip. Aspirin, please. Go to . Ready, .
This year's Lifetime Achievement Award winner's credits include great films.
"Sandals and Loincloth", .
"Sweaty Boatmen", .
"The Leather Clad Centurion",
and his first colour feature in "Big Shiny Spears".
There's the man from Bryce/Porterhouse.
He guards the envelopes until they're handed out. He won't budge from there.
Distract him so I can plant the bomb in an envelope.
y:i Accepting the award for Mr Bronkowitz y:i is Margaret Red Feather.
That ought to do it.
You'll pay for this. Rocco'll kill you whoever you are.
- Frank Drebin, Police Squad. - Isn't that a little unusual?
- It happened to me. Here's the plan. - You'll never stop Rocco.
- Your chances are one in a million. - Better than any state lottery.
I'm the good guy. I can't let the bad guys win. Our children can't be raised in fear.
If we can't stop them, they'll blow that place up. It'll be a tragedy,
unless it happens during a dance number. Come on.
Does that radio work?
Call Police Squad. Tell them Frank Drebin...
I wonder what the devil he wanted?
- Hold on. - Sergeant Frank Drebin, Police Squad.
- Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro. - Mr De Niro, we've got to get inside.
You and other people. Move along. Movie stars only.
Come on. I've got a better idea.
And cue talent.
y:i To present the award y:i for Best Supporting Actress...
y:i ... Mariel Hemingway and Elliot Gould.
The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are:
Mary Lou Retton, "Fatal Affair",
one woman's ordeal to overcome the death of her cat,
set against the background of the Hindenburg disaster.
Morgan Fairchild, "Final Proposal",
one courageous pioneer woman's triumphant victory over bulimia,
set against the background of the Donner Party Crossing.
Sorry, but this is official police business.
Shannen Doherty, "Basic Analysis",
one woman's triumph over a yeast infection,
set against the background of the tragic Buffalo Bill season of .
Thank you, sheriff.
Still no word of Frank or Rocco's gang.
I'm worried. He should've phoned in.
Let me check your tickets. Lovely gown. Is that Cool Whip?
All right, Tim and Erica Brown. OK, enjoy the show.
Let's see. Vanna White and "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Ready, ... and .
And Florence Henderson, "Analysis of a Proposal"...
- Rocco could be anywhere. - He's had time to plant the bomb.
- And the winner is... - This is going to be dynamite.
- Jane. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes. Florence Henderson'll win. It's about time.
- No, the bomb is in an envelope. - You're right!
And the winner is...
...Mary Lou Retton for "Fatal Affair".
I'm sorry, we were rooting for Florence Henderson.
We've got to get to the envelopes.
- So many. - They added categories.
"Best Actor in a Columbus movie"?
y:i Best Director is presented by star y:i of stage and screen Raquel Welch
y:i and host of his own award-winning y:i talk show Phil Donahue.
That might be the envelope for the bomb. Keep looking here.
One more second, Mr Donahue.
Oh, my God! Look at Donahue.
Stop the stairs, Joey. Joey!
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to present the...
What the hell?!
- Jesus! - Go to commercial.
Easy now. Talk to me. What happened, Ma?
Slasher is Frank Drebin of Police Squad.
Lousy, two-bit copper! I treated him like my brother... the one I didn't kill.
- He might find the bomb. - Not if I find him first.
- "Back from commercial in seconds." - Hurry up with the mike. Cue Donahue.
Read it. Read the card, moron.
"Well, Raquel, this certainly is a special evening. Phew!"
"I can barely catch my breath. Turn it over to Raquel."
"Raquel: I'm used to being out of breath, working out to my..."
What's he doing?!
"Hold for laughter. To Phil. Gets me out of breath just watching you."
- "To Raquel. Oh, Phil..." - I'm supposed to read that.
"Let's get to the subject at hand. Pick up the envelope..."
The nominees for best director are: Sir Richard Attenborough
for his musical based on the life of Mother Teresa, "Mother".
y:i Food, I love food y:i and I'm really in the mood
y:i for a big corn dog of pooh-pooh platter y:i two ding-dongs, it doesn't matter
y:i and some tuna helper, y:i I'll be racing back for more
y:i But don't get any sausage y:i 'cause I'll blow chunks on the floor
Spike Lee, "X II - The Merchandising"
Nordberg, look. That's Frank at the Academy Awards.
How did he get tickets?
That's where Rocco Dillon is going to strike next, the Academy Awards.
- We have to get there. - We're not invited. We're cops.
- It's for you. - Nordberg, Police Squad.
Henderson, see about this phone. I think it's broke.
y:i And now, here are today's y:i lucky lotto numbers.
y:i Get your tickets ready because y:i here they come: and .
And for his tale of genetics gone haywire in a retirement community,
Steven Spielberg, "Geriatric Park".
And the winner is...
- Raquel, just a second. - Now what?
- I just had a thought. - Oh, Christ.
y:i This show is being seen y:i all over the world, I was thinking
if we could all send good thoughts through these cameras
to men like the leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong,
so that they might finally be nice.
And the winner is...
Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna.
Each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises crammed into tiny tanks,
I think, "What a waste that is."
Butcher half of them now! That's a lot of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats,
freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.
- And the winner is... - So many are cold,
shivering in the night. So I say, "Take those cats, skin them."
- "Use their fur to keep hundreds warm." - Jesus, Phil.
And the winner is...
- You! - Give me that!
- Not one move. - That barrel's cold.
It's OK. It's not the bomb.
- Jane. Jane! - "Big trouble!"
Silver hair. Kind of looked like Phil Donahue.
That's the guy!
y:i Please welcome internationally y:i renowned actress and singing star
y:i Pia Zadora.
- Excuse me, is that snot on your shoe? - Snot? Where?
Oh, no. Not him again. Please, God.
Get off the stage!
Ed Hocken and Nordberg from Police Squad.
- We're here to prevent a disaster. - Too late for that.
Come on, Nordberg. We've got to get to Frank.
I knew I'd bump into you somewhere. I want answers, cherry cakes.
- I love you. - Wrong answer.
I quit the Sap-of-the-Month Club long ago.
Angel drawers, you've got one last chance.
Not one of those Major-League- Baseball-Steve-Howe last chances.
- Where is Jane? - I swear I don't know.
- Where is the bomb? - In the Best Picture envelope.
Oh, Mr Drebin, I want to go straight.
I'm tired of the lies. Oh, kiss me. Please, kiss me.
I've never kissed lips so innocent, so pure.
He looked like Phil Donahue. White hair. That's the guy.
y:i To present the Best Picture Award y:i are two very distinguished actors.
Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones.
- Oh, Lord. What's that? - Phil Donahue throwing up in a tuba.
Make a note about not having Phil Donahue back next year.
Thank you. Good evening.
It's a privilege to present the final award of tonight's ceremony.
We've been worried about you. Where's Rocco and Tanya?
- Sit down. Take it easy. - Thank God you're all right.
"Indecent Instincts" and "Sawdust and Mildew".
Oddly enough, all these movies are box office hits, except one.
- What's that? - It's the Best Picture Award.
Olympia, would you do the honours?
Oh, my God. That's the one!
The award for this year's best picture goes to...
- Wait! - Oh, great.
Sorry. Loved you in "Coneheads". You, too. Let me open this.
It's the bomb!
Freeze, and nobody gets hurt!
Well, from now on.
Take your seats, the party's over! This programme's been stopped.
OK, don't panic. Camera move in on the old lady.
Better move back, .
- I said, "Nobody moves." - Sit down and pay attention!
I don't want to kill anybody unless I have to.
Drop your guns and kick them over here.
I believe that bomb belongs to me. Hand it over, Drebin.
You want to do the honours of killing him, Ma?
Blink, and I start shooting.
Give me that gun.
- Oh, my God! - I'm not falling for that one, sister.
- Ma! - She's a goner, Rocco.
Dead? Then that's it. I'm coming with you, Ma!
- Pull out the bomb, or I'll shoot her. - All right, Rocco. All right.
I'll do what you say. Just don't harm her.
You pull out the bomb, you'll kill me and everyone else.
- No dice, Rocco. - Then I'll plug her.
- If you do, I'll empty this envelope. - Frank, think about it.
- It's all right, you'll be dead. - You'll kill yourself and everyone here.
- Yeah. - I'll shoot you if you don't do as I say.
- Jane? - I'd be safe. So would everyone else.
- But you'd be dead. - This is getting a little complicated.
Let's be logical. You're the psycho, you should have this and I the gun.
I know what I'm doing.
Here's your Best Picture, in front of a worldwide audience.
- This place is going up. - If I'm going out, I'm going out happy.
Wait, Rocco, before we're all blown to bits.
Mind if I pull the underwear out of my crack? A man's got to go comfortable.
All right, but that's it.
- Give it up, Rocco, you're history! - Look, George Hamilton!
Come and get me.
Throw me a gun. Get rid of the bomb.
Frank, help me!
- Frank! - I know what I'm doing.
I hate heights.
Screw the commercials!
All right, copper. You killed my ma. I'm taking the dame away from you.
You hear me, copper? One push and Mrs Drebin is linoleum.
Get a camera up there. This could be my best work!
- Any last words before I throw you off? - Yes, don't do it.
- Anything else? - Frank, I love you.
I want the world to know you're the perfect man.
- "Frank, I hope you can hear me." - They told me I couldn't do drama.
I was wrong to take you away from Police Squad.
I know now that's why you couldn't perform sexually.
I realise that and a lot of other things now.
Everything's under control.
Nobody moves! Any vibration might set this thing off.
Frank, I've learned my lesson.
Even though it may be too late for me, I want all ladies out there to remember:
Don't ever take your men for granted.
Good men don't just fall out of the sky.
He's caught up in the cable. Frank, do something.
I'm coming, Ma!
- Rocco? - Pahpshmir?
Jane, I never want us to be apart again.
Oh, Frank, you like me, you really like me.
- Frank, slow down. - Hurry up, we're late!
- Relax. Did you bring the camcorder? - Right here.
- What room is she in? - Delivery room. This must be it.
y:i Jane, I'm here. Frank is here now.
- Push! Bear down now. - Breathe, honey.
One more push. That's it. Congratulations, Dad. It's a boy.
Nordberg! Come back here!
- Frank, it's a boy. - I know!