The Naked Gun Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Naked Gun script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Leslie Nielsen movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Naked Gun. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Naked Gun Script



Listen to me! Killing a few hostages

is not sufficient!



The Americans must be made to suffer.



We must humiliate them.



You do not go far enough,

General Amin.



We must strip their entrails out

and drag them to Damascus,



until they include us

in the peace process.



Nonsense! This solution

is not bold enough for Libya.



l say wipe out Washington

and New York.



What? And spoil

three years of good PR?



The Americans believe l'm a nice guy.



ln some of their polls, l'm more

popular than their president!



Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

This is getting us nowhere.



lf we do nothing else this week,



we must conceive

at least one terrorist act



that will show all the world



that the United States,

the great Satan,



is but a paper tiger - a weak nation,



a weak people,

a people ripe for destruction.



Cowards, no longer willing to fight.



l knew it!



Hey, who are you?



l'm Lieutenant Frank Drebin,

Police Squad.



And don't ever

let me catch you guys in America!



Watch out!



..         . lt's all here.



This completes

our first shipment of heroin.



   ~/. pure.



lt better be - all    kilos.



The final shipment

will be delivered in three days.



- Then we'll expect payment.

- Don't worry.'



Police! Throw down your guns!



Kill him.



lt's a great day for Americans.

This man alone...



There he is!



No flowers, thank you.



Welcome home, Frank. Good work

in Beirut. We heard about it.



Thanks. l want to know one thing -

is it true about Victoria?



l'm afraid so.

She ran off with some guy.



They got married last week.



Then it's over.

All of this is meaningless.



l did it for her. Everything.



And now she's gone.



And you came down here

to get a hot story, didn't you?



Pictures of me

to sell your newspapers.



- Frank...

- Sure, you think l'm a big hero.



Do any of you understand

how a man can hurt inside?



Frank, they're not here for you.



''Weird Al'' Yankovic is on the plane.



What about the wedding?

What was she wearing?



Don't torture yourself!

Put her out of your mind.



l can't get her out of my mind.

What about the guy?



- Do you know anything about him?

- Not much.



Just that he's an Olympic gymnast



and it's the best sex she's ever had.



l trusted her and followed my heart.

Foolishly, it seems.



l'm just gonna have

to learn to forget.



That's why l took my vacation

in Beirut - to find some peace.



lt won't be easy.



Everywhere l look,

something reminds me of her.



Maybe cops and women just don't mix.



What about Nordberg?

l came as soon as l heard.



He's alive, but on life support.



He's got a   /   chance of living,



though there's only

a   ~/. chance of that.



Mrs Nordberg, l think

we can save your husband's arm.



Where would you like it sent?



- Frank! l'm so glad you came!

- Wilma, l came as soon as l heard.



Thank you, Frank.



- Where's Nordberg?

- He's right here.



Nordberg, it's Frank, your buddy.



l'll get it!



Get the switch

at the back of the bed!



Nordberg, it's me, Frank.

Who did this to you?





l love you, too, Nordberg.

Who were they?



- Ship... Boat...

- That's right. A boat.



When you're better,

we'll go sailing together,



- just like last year.

- No... Drugs.



Nurse, give this man some drugs!

Can't you see he's in pain?



- Give him a shot, quickly!

- No...



Heroin! Heroin, Frank!



Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order.



Give me a couple of days

on that one.



Oh, my poor Nordberg!

He was such a good man, Frank.



He never wanted to hurt anyone.

Who would do such a thing?



lt's hard to tell.



A gang of thugs, a blackmailer,

an angry husband, a gay lover...



Frank, get a hold of yourself!



A good cop - needlessly cut down

by some cowardly hoodlums.



- No way for a man to die.

- You're right, Ed.



A parachute not opening -

that's the way to die,



getting caught in a combine,



having your nuts bit off

by a Laplander.



That's the way l want to go.



Frank! This is terrible!



Don't worry, Wilma.

Your husband is gonna be all right.



Just think positive.

Never let a doubt enter your mind.



He's right, Wilma,



but don't wait till the last minute

to fill out those organ donor cards.



What l'm trying to say is,

as soon as Nordberg is better,



he's welcome back at Police Squad.



Unless he's a drooling vegetable,

but that's only common sense.



Do you know why Nordberg

was at the waterfront?






But l found this at home in a drawer.



A photograph!

''l Luv You'' out of Caracas.



A Panamanian ship.



When he said ''l love you'', he was

telling you the name of the ship!



l realise



- We'd better check this out.

- l want every available man on it.



l can't spare anybody.



We're in charge of security

for Queen Elizabeth's visit.



Wilma, whatever scum did this,



no man will rest until he's behind

bars. Let's grab a bite to eat.



Due to the extraordinary efforts

of some of our civic leaders,



Queen Elizabeth has included

the city of Los Angeles



as one of the cities she'll visit

during her American tour.



Will the city hire

additional security officers?



We have placed the Queen's security

in the hands of Police Squad,



a special division

of the Police Department,



represented here

by Lieutenant Frank Drebin.



Thank you, Your Honour.






- You can use my radio mic.

- Thank you.



Thank you, Your Honour.

Protecting the Queen's safety



is a task that is gladly accepted

by Police Squad.



No matter how silly the idea

of having a queen might be to us,



as Americans we must be gracious

and considerate hosts.



Thank you, Lieutenant Drebin.



Of course, we all have a stake

in seeing that this portion



of the Queen's American tour

is completely protected.



And we can take pride

that the Queen...



lndeed, it is for all the people,



who will be able to share

in these...celebrations...



Especially exciting...



will be...the Queen's...

public appearances.



We also would like...



Ed and l drove to where Nordberg

had been found floating.



Without leads, you have to start

somewhere, and that was the harbour.



Please disperse. Please disperse.



There's nothing for you to see here.

Keep moving.



Where did they find him?



Out there.

Do you wanna take a dinghy?



No, l took care of that

at the press conference.



lt doesn't make sense.

Good policeman, bright future...



then something like this happens.



He was found by the nightwatchman.



l'm gonna talk to the harbour-master.



l'll walk around and snoop.



- Yeah?

- Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad.



l remember you. What do you want?



l wanna ask some questions.

Are you familiar with that face?



l don't know.

My memory ain't so great.



Oh, yeah?

Maybe this'll refresh your memory.



- Still hazy.

- How about this?



l remember. Why do you want to know?



- l can't tell you.

- Maybe this'll help.



- l don't think l should.

- Still don't think so?



- lt's Nordberg, he's a cop.

- No, he was dealin' 'H'.



- What?

- He was dirty!



Scum! l ought to

run you in right now!



He worked at Ludwig's Shipping.

He tried to push something.



- What are you gonna do about it?

- Why should l tell you?



- Maybe this'll help.

- l shouldn't tell you.



Can you spot me a   ? How about now?



l'm going down to Ludwig's office.



l'll find out

if you're telling the truth.



Vincent Ludwig owned one

of the city's largest corporations.



A respected business man

and civic leader,



he was to chair the Queen's reception




Now l was about to question him about

drugs and attempted murder.



- Mr Ludwig?

- Yes?



Lieutenant Drebin to see you, sir.



Show him in.



- Lieutenant.

- The feeling is mutual.



Nice to meet you, too. Cuban?



No, Dutch-lrish.

My father was from Wales.



Sit down.



- What a magnificent office.

- Thank you, Lieutenant.



Most objects l have collected

over a period of many years -



my Gainsborough, Ming vases.




They are objects which l feel

reflect my personality,



like the Japanese fighting fish -



beautiful, graceful, elegant...



yet single-minded of purpose



and deadly when it finds

what it wants.



This particular one

is valued at over $     .



A luxury item, to be certain,



but l am a man who appreciates

the finer things in life.



Oh, this...

This is a rare Samurai pen,



a gift from Emperor Hirohito.




lmpervious to everything but water.



- lts value is beyond estimation.

- That's fascinating.



But l'm sure you didn't pay this

visit for a lecture on fine art.



To what do l owe the honour?



l'm investigating the attempted

murder of a dock worker,



a man named Nordberg,

a police officer.



He is still alive, then?



He was shot six times.



Fortunately, the bullets missed

every vital organ.



- The salt water preserved him.

- So they...



So they got him

to the hospital in time?



He's in the intensive care ward

at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.



This certainly comes

as a shock to me.



As you know, l'm not the kind of man

who takes such things lightly.



There is no room in my organisation

for criminal activity.



Look out there - a vast

commercial development built by me.



Do you have any idea what was

out there just five years ago?



You bet you do. Orange groves!



Acres of them.

As far as the eye could see.



But now that land will generate

ten times the amount of profit.



Are you all right, Lieutenant?



Let me get you some Kleenex.



Has this officer -



What's his name? Nordberg -



been able to tell you anything?



Well, he hasn't been able

to tell us a thing so far,



but as soon as

he regains consciousness,



we'll see if he

can still play the guitar.



- Pardon?

- l've taken up a lot of your time.



l'd like to look

at your employment records



and speak to someone in Personnel.



Of course.



- Dominique, send in Miss Spencer.

- Yes, sir.



l am quite busy making arrangements

for the royal visit,



but l will have my assistant

provide you with anything you need.



You've been very co-operative.

l'll note that in my report.



My pleasure.



Miss Spencer! This is

Lieutenant Drebin from Police Squad.



Hello...Mr Drebin.









Her hair was the colour

of gold in old paintings.



She had a full set of curves



and the kind of legs

you'd like to suck on for a day.



She gave me a look

l could feel in my hip pocket.



Yep, this was starting

to get interesting.



- Nice beaver.

- Thank you.



- l just had it stuffed.

- Let me help you with that.



This should be

what you're looking for -



the shipping and employment records

for Pier   .



Thank you.



l've heard police work is dangerous.



Yes, that's why l carry a big gun.



Couldn't it go off accidentally?



l used to have that problem.



What did you do about it?



l just think about baseball.



That's a honey of an ankle-bracelet

you have there.



Did it slip down there again?



Yes, well...

l'll quickly go through these



and get them back to you tomorrow.



Fine, but there's no rush.

l mean, whenever you're through.



Thank you. l wish there was

some way l could repay you.



How about dinner? l know a place

that serves great Viking food.



lt's tempting, but l'm afraid

l must rest this evening,



tomorrow being Arbor Day.



Of course. Perhaps some other time.



- How about a rain check?

- Let's just stick to dinner.



Thank you for your help,

Miss Spencer.



My pleasure.



- Well?

- Mr Ludwig, you startled me!



l'm sorry, my dear.



Did you give the lieutenant

what he wanted?



l gave him copies of the files

for Pier   .



Good. That's good.



He is an intriguing fellow,

don't you think?



Well, l don't know.

l've only just met him.



He seems very nice.



Jane, l realise

this is an unusual request,



but if there is something illegal

going on in this company,



l need to know about it,

so we can root it out.



That's why l want you to...



well, to get to know Drebin

a little better,



find out what he knows.



Wouldn't this be best handled

by the police?



We are letting the police handle it,

my dear!



But we need to know

the facts quickly



before anything

gets into the newspapers.



Don't forget, l have a responsibility

to the stockholders.



Well...if you put it that way...



- Yes, l'll do my best.

- That's better.



l'm sure you will.



lt was about  pm

when l returned to Police Squad.



l wanted to see what the lab had

come up with on Nordberg's jacket,



the one they'd found on the docks.



You can tell a lot from fibre

samples if they aren't too wet.



l was hoping we wouldn't

come up dry.



Hey, look out!



Police! Halt!



Anybody catch the licence plate?



Anybody get a look at the driver?



Take the names of everybody here

for questioning.



l've got to get...inside.



Hi, Ed, Ted. You got

those fibre samples yet?



- We got some action here.

- What?



We're testing our anti-graffiti wall.



We've got customers.



lt reacts when

the spray hits the sensors.



You've done it again - mazel tov!



Good work.

What will you think of next?



Now that you mention it,



here's something

we developed only yesterday.



To the casual observer -

an ordinary shoe.



But in actuality...

it makes a handy weapon.



And everything a cop would need.



We call it the Swiss Army Shoe.



- Great. And the fibre samples?

- Just one more thing.



See these cufflinks l'm wearing?



They're not just cufflinks. Each one

fires a single pin-sized dart,



that knocks out your victim

for a few minutes.



Let me demonstrate on Ed.



Ted! Why?



Don't worry.

He'll be up and around in no time.



- Why don't you take a pair?

- Actually, l could use another pair.



l think you'll like them.



- Want this, chief?

- Thank you, Al.



There's something

on the side of your mouth, Al.



No, no. The other side.



As you requested, we took some

fibre samples from Nordberg's jacket.



l'm afraid it doesn't look good.



- What do you mean?

- Take a look for yourself.



- l can't see anything.

- Use your open eye, Frank.



Yeah, l can see it now.



At first, it appears

to be the normal cotton fibres.



But we discovered

a fine white powder.



Pure heroin.



How well do you know Nordberg?



We were partners for nine years

and he's my best friend.



We can't allow personal feelings

to get in the way.



- Are you saying that Nordberg...?

- The Queen arrives in two days.



lf the press should pick this up,



it could be embarrassing

for the police and the city.



l'm sorry, Frank. l'm giving you

   hours to clear Nordberg.



- Mr Ludwig?

- Yes?



- A Mr Pahpshmir is here.

- Show him in.



ls there something wrong, Mr Ludwig?



No, it's nothing.



- Then may we get down to business?

- Certainly. Have a seat.



l can carry out your request.



- My price is $   million.

- Your price is not a problem.



But there is concern

on the part of those l represent,



that you would be able to...

complete so difficult a task.



Tell me, Mr Pahpshmir,



in all the world,

who is the most effective assassin?



l would think anyone who manages to

conceal his identity as an assassin.



Yes, but there is

even a more ideal assassin.



One who doesn't know

he is an assassin.



- Care for some tea?

- Yes, please.



Dominique, service for two, please.



l must kill Pahpshmir.



- Cream and sugar, sir?

- Mr Pahpshmir?



Cream only, please.



- There's a gun on the floor, sir!

- Just leave it. lt's all right.



- The tea, please.

- Of course, sir.



Mr Pahpshmir, have you ever seen

sensory-induced hypnosis?



l think l just have.



How will she get near the target?



Oh, l doubt whether it will be her.



Good secretaries

are so hard to find these days.



And it seems to me...



anyone...can be an assassin.



l had    hours to find

something to clear my friend's name.



l returned to the hospital

with Ludwig's records



to try to jog Nordberg's memory.



Doctor, l have the chart,

if you're ready to go over it.



l'll be with you

when l've finished with Mr Nordberg.



Yes, Doctor.



You'll be out of here

in a couple of...



- l'd like to see Officer Nordberg.

- Sign in, please.



Wait a minute!

Where's the police guard?



- Drebin called and sent him home.

- Drebin?



l must kill Nordberg.

l must kill Nordberg.



Drebin, Police Squad!

Let go of that pillow!



Medical emergency!



Drebin, Police Squad.

Follow that black car!



The car! Follow that car!



Stephanie, check your mirror. Signal.



Now pull into traffic.



Try and ease off on the brake.



- Give it a little gas.

- l know a short cut. Turn left here!



- There he is!

- Easy!



Turn right! Follow him!



lt's OK.

Normally, you would not be going   



down the wrong way

of a one-way street.



Apply the brakes.



Now put it in reverse.



- You dumb broad!

- Stephanie...



Gently extend your arm.



Extend your middle finger.



- Very good. Well done.

- There he is!



Go for it, Stephanie!



Excuse me. Excuse me.



All right, move on!

Nothing to see here!



Please disperse!



Nothing to see here. Please!



The attempt on Nordberg's

life left me shaken and disturbed.



The questions kept coming up

again and again,



like bubbles in a case of soda.



Who was this character

in the hospital?



Why was he trying to kill

Nordberg...and for whom?



Did Ludwig lie to me?

l didn't have any proof,



but somehow,

l didn't entirely trust him.



Why was the ''l Luv You''

not listed in Ludwig's records?



lf it was, did he know about it?



lf he didn't, who did?



And where the hell was l?



lt was almost midnight

when l got home.



l just wanted

to slip under my blankets,



but my night was

just about to begin.



You're late.



That depends on what l'm late for.



You said we should

have dinner some time.



Tonight became ''some time''.



l'm boiling a roast.



How hot and wet do you like it?



Very hot and awfully wet.



You seem to know your way

around a kitchen.



l'm just as handy

in other rooms of the house.



That shirt looks familiar.



lt's yours. l didn't want

to get stained or wrinkled.



At least...not yet.



Do you mind if l slip

into something more comfortable?



There. That's better.



l hope you've brought your appetite.



l've brought everything.



Well, then, dig in.



lnteresting. Almost as interesting

as the photographs l saw today.



l was young. l needed the work.



No, they were taken

at Ludwig's docks.



A ship came in, a Panamanian ship.

lt wasn't on Ludwig's records.



Probably an oversight.



How is your...meat?



You be the judge of that.






l've got nine more.



- Have you seen that ship?

- l don't know.



lt doesn't look like ours,

but we deal with so many ships.



Has Officer Nordberg

told you anything?



No, there's been another attempt

on his life. He's in a coma.



That's terrible!

This world is such a violent place.



lf it wasn't, l'd be out of a job,



but l'd give it up tomorrow

to live in a world without crime.



That's beautiful.



This is all happening too fast.



- l've been hurt before.

- l'm sorry.



l'd known her for years.



We used to go to

all the police functions together.



How l loved her,

but she had her music.



l think she had her music.



She'd hang out with the

Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony.



l don't recall her playing

an instrument or being able to sing.



Yet she was on the road

    days of the year.



l bought her a harp for Christmas.

She asked me what it was.



lt's the same old story.

Boy finds girl.



Boy loses girl. Girl finds boy.



Boy forgets girl. Boy remembers girl.



Girl dies in a blimp accident



over the Orange Bowl

on New Year's Day.



- Goodyear?

- No, the worst.



Poor dear!



Now, now. l don't want to upset you.



Frank, it's not that.



Why did you have to be so wonderful?



- There's something l must tell you.

- No! No need to tell me anything.



What's in the past

doesn't matter anyway.






Maybe we're just two lonely souls

who have found each other.






l want you to know...

l practise safe sex.



So do l.



l had a wonderful day, Frank. l can't

believe we just met yesterday.



You really mean that?

You're not just saying it,



because we exchanged bodily fluids?



No, l really mean it.

You're very special.



- Can l interest you in a nightcap?

- No, thanks, l don't wear them.



Actually, l'm on stake-out tonight.



l'll be thinking about you.

l'll call you tomorrow.






Good night!



The answer's up there

in Ludwig's office.



Call it what you will -

a hunch, women's intuition.



Ludwig knows more than he's saying.



A hunch won't stand up in court.

Where are your hard facts?



He's the only one except us

who knew Nordberg was still alive.



Next thing we know,

some thug tries to knock him off.



Maybe. But breaking into Ludwig's

office is taking a big chance.



l know. You take a chance

getting up in the morning,



crossing the street

or sticking your face in a fan.



There he is!



Just trust me on this, Ed.

l know l'm right.



OK, but be careful.



Get some sleep.

l'll see you in the morning.






''         deposited,

Omani Bank, Zurich,



''upon proof of Queen's death.''



Destroying property, arson...



sexual assault

with a concrete dildo?!



What the hell were you doing there?



l'm sorry about that, Your Honour,



but we believe Ludwig is involved

in a plot to assassinate the Queen.



That's ridiculous!

Where is this ''evidence''?


            in the f-fire.






Vincent Ludwig is one of the most

respected members of this community.



lf we're very nice to him,

he will agree not to press charges.



- Your Honour!

- Did l make myself clear?



Yes, Your Honour. Good day.






l don't want any more trouble like

you had last year. That's my policy.



When l see five weirdos dressed

in togas stabbing a guy in a park,



l shoot the bastards.

That's my policy.



That was a Shakespeare in the Park

production of ''Julius Caesar''!



- You killed five actors! Good ones.

- Your Honour...



Your presence at the Queen's

reception tonight is not necessary.



ls that understood?



We understand, Your Honour.

Thank you.



The plane has taxied to a stop.



Any minute now

we expect the doors to open



and we'll get a glimpse

of the Queen,



as she begins her first visit

to Los Angeles in five years.



lt's a balmy, beautiful evening too.



She's going from here

to a formal reception...



- Jane!

- Frank!



l'm just making some dinner.

Are you hungry?



Maybe just a bite.



Ludwig wanted me to ask you

to meet him tonight.



There is something you should know.

l was in his place last night.



How nice! Did he show you his

Ming vases and rare oil paintings?



Jane, l think that he's involved

in a number of criminal activities.



Frank, stop it!



Vincent Ludwig is a well-respected,

generous, kind man.



- You don't know him like l do.

- How's that?



- What's that supposed to mean?

- l'm sorry. l'm worried about you.



l don't trust him and l don't want

you mixed up in anything dangerous.



Are Woo back in business?

They closed down three years ago.



Gee, has it been that long? l don't

feel like Chinese tonight anyway.



lt's sweet of you to be concerned,

but you're wrong about Vincent.



He's such a gentleman.

He's so generous.



He just wants to talk with you



to clear up any doubts

you might have.



- When?

- Tonight.



Meet him at the  th Street




All right,

but promise you'll be careful.



Of course l will,

funny-face, for you.



l've got to go. See you tomorrow.



Are you sure you won't have

something to eat?






- Drebin?

- Yeah, l'm Drebin.



l have a message for you

from Vincent Ludwig.



l'm sorry, l can't hear you!



Don't fire the gun

while you're talking.



All right, put your gun down

and your hands up!



Matthews, stake out that end,



and card-check for

anyone suspicious looking.



Frank, what are you doing here?



l've been trading shots

with one of Ludwig's goons.



They're planning

to do her tonight, here.



- We better be on the lookout.

- Excuse me, ma'am, security.



- What's the meaning of this?

- Relax! Nothing will happen.



- l didn't do anything.

- Yeah? What about this?



You think we were born yesterday?

You didn't do anything, huh?



l got rights!



Ed, he's got a picture of your wife!






All right,

anyone else here seeing his wife?



That's all right, Frank.

Let's get in the hall.



Are you enjoying yourself, my dear?



l'm so excited to be here.

l appreciate your inviting me.



Pleasure's all mine.

Perhaps afterwards we can...



- Drebin!

- Frank!



You're both right.

Surprised to see me, Mr Ludwig?



This is not the time

or place to talk.



lt's way past the time we talked.



The gloves are off,

l'm playing hardball.



lt's fourth and fifteen, and

you're looking at a full court press.



Mr Drebin!

lf you have evidence, then use it.



lf not, l am warning you -

get off my back!



Or it will cost you dearly.



- Frank, what's wrong?

- A lot of things, sweetie-pie.



A meeting that turned into

a peek-a-boo session with bullets,



set up by someone

who's been playing me like a violin.




what are you talking about?



My stockyard meeting, butter-wings.

Don't you remember setting that up?



Mr Ludwig said you'd called it off!

Believe me!



Thumb me another one, shuckie-lumps!



Frank, it's the truth!



Cops and women don't mix.

Like eating a spoonful of Drano.



lt'll clean you out,

but it'll leave you hollow inside.



Too bad, sugar-puff.



We could have been something.



l only did what l was told to do!



- Like make love to me?

- Frank!



That makes things easier, Princess.



To think l trusted you!

l made a big mistake.



- You can take this back.

- Whose is that?



Doesn't matter.

Take care of yourself, baby.



By the way...



l faked every orgasm.






And to commemorate our friendship,



the city of Los Angeles is proud

to present to the Royal Family



this Revolutionary War musket,

donated by Mr Vincent Ludwig.



Ladies and gentlemen,

Her Royal Highness,



Queen Elizabeth ll!



lt's disgusting the way they splash

this stuff all over the newspapers!



What is journalism coming to?



You're laying on top of the Queen

with her legs wrapped around you



and they call that news!



They can't kick you off the Force,

it's not fair.



l know. Life isn't always fair.



Just think, the next time l shoot

someone, l could be arrested.



Hey, look at that!



The missing evidence in the Kilner

case! My God, he WAS innocent!



He went to the chair

two years ago, Frank.



Well...what's the use?



What good are these damn awards

and citations?






Frank, that's not your desk!



Frank! l've been

looking all over for you!



Running another errand

for your boyfriend?



l tried to call last night.

l went by your place. Where were you?



l was out walking. All night.



Listen to me!

l have important information.



There was never anything

between Vincent and me.



- He likes East German men.

- What about you?



l like cops.



- All right! Yeah!

- Settle down. Take it easy.



- What've you got?

- l overheard Ludwig.



You were right. He is planning to

have someone assassinate the Queen!



- Where?

- At the baseball game.



The Queen will be there

as Ludwig's guest.



ls Ludwig going to shoot her

in front of       fans?



No, a player,

during the  th inning stretch.



- lt starts in    minutes.

- l'll go.



- l'll go with you.

- Stay with Ludwig



- to allay suspicion.

- OK, let's go!



Wait! Wait!



l've gotten you into enough trouble

already. l'll go alone.



No! This'll get you back on

the Force. We're right behind you.



Frank? l wanted you to know now,



l've loved you since the first day

l met you, and l'll never stop.



l'm a very lucky woman.



So am l.



Good afternoon.

We're coming live from the Big A,



where the California Angels

meet the Seattle Mariners



in their showdown

for the Division League.



Hello! l'm Curt Gowdy,

along with Jim Palmer,



Tim McCarver, Dick Vitale, Mel Allen,



Dick Enberg and Dr Joyce Brothers.



Join us for this

all-important ball game.



And a special game it is.



As we know, it is being attended

by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth.



l'm sure she'll enjoy this game, Jim.



We've got all the exits covered.



l ought to arrest Ludwig right now.



No, we've got to let him

make the first move.



The Mayor would have you arrested.

You've got to stay out of sight.



l've got to get that assassin.



lt could be any of those players.



l've got to get down on that field

and search those players.



Ladies and gentlemen,

please rise and welcome



Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth ll!



One moment.



Over there - these seats are taken.



My dear, is something bothering you?



No, why do you ask?



You haven't said a word.

You seem...nervous.



Well, you know how important

this game is for the Angels.



Why he not here now?

l do not like to wait for him.



Mr Pallazzo, our head usher will

be here in two minutes. Please wait.



- He should be here now!

- l'll send him right over.



l do not wait for him!

He waits for me!



- Yes?

- Mr Pallazzo?



l am the head usher.

l am here to... Excuse me.



- Mr Pallazzo?

- Yes?



- l am the head usher.

- One second.



Ladies and gentlemen,



on behalf of the California Angels

and the City of Los Angeles,



on the occasion of the royal visit,



please welcome

internationally-renowned opera star,



Enrico Pallazzo!



Ladies and gentlemen,

let us honour America,



as Mr Pallazzo will now sing

our national anthem.



And now we'll wait

for the exchange of line-ups



and the start of today's ball game.



Excuse me, could you tell me,

is this an official bat?



The Queen's visit

has brought a sell-out crowd!



And the fans are being entertained

by the stadium's Angel Vision,



showing some unusual moments

in baseball over the years!



Sorry, fellas!



How about that?



Ladies and gentlemen,



now taking the field -

your California Angels!



For everybody's safety,



we ask that you do not throw

any objects on the field.



We thank you for your co-operation.



As the Angels take the field, we're

ready for the first pitch ceremony



with the Queen of England

ready to toss out the first ball.



How about that?

Let's have a round of applause!



We're ready for the start,



as these lovely ladies would agree.



Those are the players' wives,

here to enjoy the game.



What d'you say, Cummings?

Are we gonna do this today?



Do what?



Play ball!



Frank! Al, it's Frank!



The game's under way. Dave Spiwack

ready to face Jay Johnstone!



- Nothing to report.

- Don't worry, Al.



lf one of the players is the killer,

Frank'll find him,



even if he has to search

every one of them.



..lead-off hitter Jay Johnstone.



Hello, pal. Let's see

if that uniform's on straight.



Good here. Now let's see the shirt.

You should take a large.



lt's a little tight in the crotch.



All right? All set?



OK, play ball!






Yeah, strike!



Stee-rike two!



Stee-rike three!



You're clean!



Have you found him yet?



No, and l've searched

almost everybody.



Yeah. There's only one more out

before the seventh inning stretch.



You're going to have to stall them.

Don't let 'em get that third out.






The Mariners' number four -

Armando Criscione! Criscione!



- Ball!

- Ball?






Get...get...what the...? Get off!



Catch it! Catch it!



- Get 'em off!

- Go, go, go!



- Safe!

- What do you mean, safe?



l don't believe it!



Second base! On two!



There's a throw by the catcher



and now they've got Criscione

hung up between  st and  nd!



What the hell are you doing?






- You're not supposed to do that!

- Wait a minute! Stop that!



Put that back down! Give me the ball!



l'll get you!



lt's hard to believe,



but apparently the umpires

have got Criscione in a run-down!



- Safe!

- Safe?



How about that?



- Out!

- Safe!



- Out!

- He was safe!



- Out!

- Safe!



There's a sight l've never seen!



- Safe!

- What are you doing?



Safe! Safe! Safe!



- He was out!

- He was safe!



You idiot! He was out!



All right, you're out of here!



- What?

- You can't throw an umpire out!



All right, YOU'RE out!



Hold on! Even the guy running

the scoreboard says he was out!



And he's up in the mezzanine!



lt's the third out!



l must kill...the Queen.



l must kill...the Queen.



Frank, it's the right-fielder!



- You're the boss!

- lt was safe.



Now, we're going to take a walk.



How could you

do something so vicious?



lt was easy. Don't forget l spent

two years as a building contractor.



Now, let's go quietly.



Hey, look at that! Let's get him!



Kick him in the balls!



l must kill...the Queen.



Look out!



The umpire...

He saved the Queen's life!



That's not the umpire, Your Honour.



Hey, it's Enrico Pallazzo!



Frank! Frank, help!



Frank! Frank, help! Frank!



Hold it, Ludwig!



Stay where you are!



- He's got a gun!

- l know.



You ruined my life.

Now l'm going to ruin yours.



- Leave the girl alone!

- l am. l'm going to kill you.



l see.



Two can play at that game!



- You killed him!

- No, just stunned.



He'll be all right.





           's horrible!



- lt's so horrible!

- l know, Ed.



My father went the same way.



l must kill...Frank Drebin.



l must kill...Frank Drebin.



No, no, don't shoot!


           's me...






l must kill Frank Drebin.



You love Frank Drebin.



And Frank Drebin loves you.



Jane, if you don't love me,

you might as well pull that trigger,



because without you,

l wouldn't want to live anyway.



l've finally found

someone l can love -



a good, clean love...

without utensils.



l must kill Frank Drebin.



lt's a topsy-turvy world, Jane,



and maybe the problems of two people

don't amount to a hill of beans,



but this is our hill

and these are our beans.



Since l met you, l've noticed

things l never knew where there -



birds singing, dew glistening

on a newly-formed leaf,



stop lights...



l must kill...



Jane, this morning...



l bought something for you.

lt's not very much,



but pretty good

for an honest policeman's salary.



lt's an engagement ring.



l'd have given it to you earlier,



but l wanted to wait

until we were alone.



- l...

- l love you, Jane.



Oh, Frank!



l'm sorry!



l'm sorry that l yelled at you

yesterday, l really am.






l was wrong about you.



This city and the whole world

owes you a debt of gratitude.



Thank you.



And Monday morning

we want you back at Police Squad...



- with a promotion to captain.

- Mayor...



Don't thank me. There's someone else

here who wants to thank you.



- Nordberg!

- Hiya, buddy!



The doc says

l should be on my feet in a week!



- And back on the Force!

- Nordberg, that's wonderful!



Frank! Everyone should have

a friend like you!




Special help by SergeiK