Never Been Kissed Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Never Been Kissed script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Drew Barrymore movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Never Been Kissed. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Never Been Kissed Script



You know how in some movies...



they have a dream sequence,...



only they donīt tell you

itīs a dream?



This is so not a dream.



It wasnīt supposed to

be like this.



I was just trying to do my job

and then things happened.



Well, life happened.



And now Iīm here.



Trust me.

Iīm not the kind of girl...



who does things like this.



I mean, two months ago,..



you couldnīt have picked

me out of a crowd.



Hi. Call me.



Told you.



Iīm overthere.



I was the youngest copy editor

at the Chicago Sun-Times.



Standard British calls for "re."



So unless youīre a pompous American,

I wouId go with "er."



I had my own office,

unlimited stationary supplies...



and a professional,

dedicated assistant.



Thought of this

awesome new phrase.



"Power is powerful."



Total T-shirt, right?

Awesome. Amazing. What?



Can I get my messages?

- Yeah.



Hey, seriousIy, last time

I saw you, did I look fat?



OK. You hesitated.



No. Case closed. Forget it.

- Excuse me, Merkin.



Um, I noticed that there

werenīt any index cards.



I canīt do notes without them.

- Hey, hey, hey.



Merkin ainīt jerkinī.

Heīs workinī, OK?



Take that to the bank.



Itīs power, baby. Itīs power.



My boss.



No. Iīm just a little tense.



I mean, this whole office

is not Feng Shui.



All the desks are facing,

like, evil, you know?



Uh, do you think I should

bleach my jeans...






Guess who I did it with

last night.



Roger from op/ed?



Who told you?



You did. You said yesterday,

and I quote,...



"I have a date with Roger

from op/ed tonight,...



and Iīm gonna do it with him."



Computerīs down.



Septuplet story.

Need it by  :  .



Hopefully the copyīs not a mess.



Itīs "hoped" that itīs not a mess.



"Hopefully" is an adverb.

It means "with hope."



You have it defining the copy,...



and Iīm pretty sure the copy

doesnīt have feelings.



So, Anita...



You and Roger in op/ed.



Oh, man, who told you?



Roger in op/ed.

- Really?




- What?



Donīt make me

send you another memo...



about my policy

on interoffice dating.



Itīs "intraoffice dating."



And theyīre not dating.

Theyīre having sex.



And what exactly is

your policy, Augustus?



That if youīre not getting any,

then no one can?



How many times have I fired her?



Five or six.

- Eight.






Did you get those story ideas

that I left on your desk?



Morning, Mr. Strauss.



Yes, the blind foster home mother.



That was good.

I got Kahune on it.



Oh, yeah. Kahune. Heīs good.



Geller, weīve been through this.



Youīre a great copy editor.



Youīre maybe my best copy editor.



Youīre not a reporter.



Youīve used   of my ideas.



Gus, please.



Every Tom, Dick, and Harry

thinks he can write,...



but a journalist gets in there

where the bombs are falling.



Heīs aggressive.

He grabs the bull by the balls.



You donītthink I can

grab a bullīs balls?



Geller, you donīt want

a reporterīs life.



Trust me. Theyīre very messy,...



and youīre all about

order and control,...



and getting me my copy by  :  .



I can be out of control.



Copy by  :  !



Josie, maybe Gus has a point.



You know, itīs not gonna kill

you to relax and have some fun.



Hey, you know, Rogerīs got

this friend Marshall in editing.



Maybe we can all go on

a double date or something.



Marshall the duke?



I swear to God, Josie! Come on!



Tell me, when is the last time

that you went on a real date?



Iīm concentrating

on my career right now.



Do you own any colored underwear?



Stripes or anything?



The right guy, heīs out there.



Iīm just not gonna go kiss

a whole bunch of losers...



to get to him.



Yeah, but you know what?



Sometimes kissing losers

can be a really fun diversion.



When I finally get kissed,

Iīll know.



OK. If youīve never

kissed a guy before,...



we have bigger problems

than the underwear.



Iīve kissed a guy.



Iīve kissed guys.



I just...



havenīt felt that thing.



That thing?



Is that what you kids

call it these days?



That thing.



That moment when you kiss someone and

everything around you becomes hazy...



and the only thing in focus

is you and this person...



and you realize that

that person...



is the only person that

youīre supposed to kiss...



for the rest of your life.



And for one moment

you get this amazing gift,...



and you wanna laugh,

and you wanna cry...



īCause you feel so lucky

that you found it...



and so scared that itīll go away

all at the same time.



Damn, girl. You are a writer.



OK... finished.



What do you guys think?



Where do you think it shouId go?



The bedroom?



Thatīs exactIy what I was thinking.






The meeting just began.



Let me start by saying

I was very impressed...



with that investigative

piece that Dutton did...



on pesticides

in our supermarkets.



But since the Trib did a piece

on the same subject only better,..



youīre fired.



Dutton, did you hear me?

Youīre fired.



Out, out, out.



Close your cubicle.



Bye-bye, Dutton.



Hello, everybody else

still working here.



Letīs celebrate by doing

another undercover feature.



Now, you know that my

inspiration for these stories...



come, of course,

from my personal life.



I mean, who wouldīve thought

that my foray into hair pIugs...



wouldīve resulted

in last monthīs cover story?



"Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow."

A great story.



So anyway, last night,...



Iīm sitting home with

my family having dinner...






And my younger boy

starts to choke.



And I realized that my son

was allergic to peanuts.



I said to myseIf, "Holy shit!

I donīt even know my own kids."



How much do we know about

these high school kids?



What are they thinking?



And then it hit me.



"My Semester in High School."






Whatīs your name?

- Josie.






Josie Geller.



Josie Geller,

you enroll Friday.



Have fun.



The meeting just ended.






  -minute handstand.



Freaked the yogi right out.



Excuse me.






Itīs really happening!



My first undercoverfeature

by Josie Geller!



Josie, maybe you should

turn it down.



Why? You donīt think

I can do it?



No, no! Itīs just...



This is a lot of pressure for

your first piece, thatīs all.



I mean, this is not

a half-a-page article.



This is a major

undercover piece, OK?



Look what Rigfort just did to Dutton

in there and that guyīs his cousin.



Donīt worry.



Iīm gonna straighten this all out.



Neither of you guys

think I can do this?



Thatīs not what

weīre saying, Josie.



Anita, when you wanted to

seduce the guy in the mailroom,...



and you thought you couldnīt

learn Spanish fast enough,...



who quizzed you on your verbs?



Senorita Josie.



And, Gus, when you wanted

to learn how to knit,...



who showed you how

to work the needles?



Um, you did.



You knit?

- Yeah.



So this is my chance.



Well, Iīm not holding

your job for you, Geller.



Thank you!

- OK.



Donīt make me give you my memo

on interoffice hugging, OK?



Now comes the hard part.



Oh, my gosh.

You get to be    again.



OK, whatīs the first

thing youīre gonna need?



You want Bambi? No way.



Rob, please.



Why donīt you just borrow Momīs car?



I canīt use a minivan.

I need a cheap car.



A vintage classic.



Itīs just for a couple of months.



A couple of months is

like    years in Bambi life.



Itīs so weird that you name your cars.



Why? Guys name their penises.






You can have my Buick La Sabre...



and name it anything you want.






La Sabre.



Nah. I donīt think so.



Fully loaded.






Are those shorts or a skirt?



Theyīre gaucho pants.

I got them on sale.



Aloha! Welcome!

Every customer gets a free lei.



Relax, Vaughn.

Itīs just my sister.



Aloha, my ass.



Shake it easy, buddy.



Hey, Rob, have you talked

to the admissions lady...



from Lakeshore Community College yet?






But you could start

before next semester.



You couId even talk to her

about a baseball scholarship.



Itīs too late, Josie, you know?



Iīm not going to college.



Iīm not playing baseball anymore.



This is my life.



This is a luau that sells

packing material.



You had such a shot

at playing college ball.



You let a case of mono stop you.



Donīt you wanna move out

of Mom and Dadīs?



Pay your own bills?



Why? So I can be as happy as you?



I am happy.






You are looking at the newest

undercover reporter...



for the Chicago Sun-Times.



I am Josie Geller, high school student,

Senior CIass     .



Youīre kidding, right?




- Do you remember high school?



It was a Iong time ago.



Do you remember what they

called you in high school?



Josie Grossy!






Josie Grossy.



I know. I made it up.



I didnīt know it was

gonna catch on like it did.






Whatīs the matter?

You look nauseous.



Nauseated...I look nauseated.



Hi, BiIIy.



Um, I noticed that you werenīt

in math class today...



so, um, I decided to

take some notes for you.



This is a very bad idea.



Feeling good.



My name is Josie.



Iīm from Scranton, Pennsylvania,

the Keystone State.



Hold it.



Where you going?



To high school...



because Iīm

a high school student.



Iīm here with my fellow students.



Hey, guys.






Beeper. Appears legitimate.



Computer organizer.



Recording device.



I can grab a bullīs balls.



Appears legitimate.



This is a projectile launcher.



Thatīs a weapon.



Class, today we have

the pleasure of exploring...



the pantheistic culture of India.






Hi. Hello!




Entre, entre.



Sorry Iīm Iate.



Iīm sorry I forgot to take

my hot flash medication today.



Please sit.



"Josie." right.



Mi casa es su casa.



That is so sad.



I know, like,   chickens

had to die...



just so she could look

that stupid.



Josie, in my classroom,

tardiness is unacceptabIe.



Iīm sorry.



Well, not as sorry as I am.



   minutes in that hat,

youīll never be late again.



OK. So letīs hear

something about you.



Stand up.



Stand up.



My name is Josie Geller.



Iīm a high school student.



Iīm from...






Excuse me.



You live in Billy?






Uh, Billy Bali.



Um, itīs a suburb of Bali proper.



Bali! The island nation of Bali.






What did your famiIy do there?



Um... We were...









My family raised sheep?



Note to self: research Bali.



Kill Anita for picking out

this outfit.



Find and destroy sombrero.



We sit here.

- Yeah.



Sorry. I didnīt know

these seats were assigned.



Theyīre not.



Morning, everyone.






I, uh, I donīt think weīve met.



Iīm Sam... Coulson.



The school has this thing about

letting you guys call me Sam.



Iīm Josie, but Iīm

pretty sure the school...



would be OK with you

calling me that.



So welcome to Shakespeareīs

As You Like It.



Here. We can share.


            an example of Shakespearean...



pastoral comedy.



Now, does anyone know

what that means?



Oh, yeah. Thatīs what

they do to milk.



No, Sarah. Thatīs, uh...



thatīs "pasteurize."



Uh, but itīs close.






OK. Anyone else?






Pastoral means set in the country,...



originally seen in

the Eclogues of Virgil.



Itīs from the Latin

"pastoralis", to graze.



Are you sure youīre   ?






Iīm   .



Iīm   . Of course.



Excuse me.



Whatīs in the cole slaw?



Thank you.



Kirsten, that bran muffin

has like    grams of fat.



Did I tell you that

Lisa has hemorrhoids?







- Hi.



Hi, Kristin.



Itīs Keer-sten.



Well, thatīll teach me to wear

white jeans after Labor Day.



I donīt think youīre supposed to

wear white jeans after     .






Right, right.



OK, so, um,...



like what are your guysī

hopes and dreams?



Any interests?






Iīm Guy.






Y-yes, y-you are a guy.



Quite a guy.



Oh, my.



That rhymes.









Are you in Special Ed.?



I mean, are you?



I canīt believe he said that.

- He totally just said that.



Iīm just gonna go.



Donīt slip, honey.



Off the chart.



Ohh! How old am I?



ApproximateIy      days old.



Now, thatīs subject for adjustment...



for month of birth.



OK, thank you.



Letīs do it!



Hustle! Hustle!

Come on, girIs!



Go on! Move it!

Pick up your feet!



Come on!



A Iittle more commitment, Geller!



Move it!



Come on!



Must... have water.



What do I Iook like,

your waitress?



Now, you are gonna

complete these sprints...



because if you donīt, you fail.



And if you fail gym,

youīll never get into college.



You guys still tell that lie?



That does it, Geller.



Drop. Give me   .






Donīt worry, Rob.



I put premium gasoline in her.



Josie, I toId you.

Bambiīs a cheap regular girl.



Wait a second.



Everything is fine, Rob.

Iīll call you later.



Josie, donīt hang up...



They do it to all the new kids.



Whoīs they?



Guy Perkins and his amazing lemmings.



They push your car out of

its space and hide it,...



sit up there and watch

whiIe you look for it.



Iīm Aldys.

- Iīm Josie.



Aldys. Thatīs an interesting name.



When itīs not yours.



My mom was going through

her Harlequin Romance phase.



Tell me about it.



Try being named after

a guitar-playing pussycat.



Never mind.



Listen, would you like

to walk to Nanoīs...



and get something to eat?



Yeah. That would be really nice.



So tell me, what are

your hopes and your dreams?



What do you want to be?



Thank you.

- Youīre weIcome.



I want to be a professor

of medievaI literature.



I want to be a novelist.



I want to be a weekend flautist.



I want to be a potter.

I want to be a painter.



I want to be an architect and

I want to go to Northwestern.



I went there!



For what?



Yes. Once to use the bathroom.



Um, they have a really nice facility.



Oh, my God.






I got your message.



What the hell kind of story

are you pitching?



Itīs my dad. He worries.

- Yeah. Mine, too.



Yeah, hi, Dad.

I miss you, too.



Youīre one sick puppy,

you know that, Geller?



Itīs an exposé on cafeteriafood.



Let me guess.



Youīre leading with the terrible

truth about cole slaw.



Well, the bulk of it will

be about the pimento loaf.



Geller, you wanna be a reporter?



Take a look at what sells.



Sex scandals, bribery,

people jumping off buildings.



So, unless some kid

just killed himseIf...



because he was being paid...



to have sex with

the school mascot...



in a big vat of that cole slaw,

you got nothing.



Call me when you do.



They love to disconnect the battery, too.



Here. Just so that you know,...



I think they recalled

these cars in     .



Yeah, thanks.

- Sure. No problem.



Josie, I was wondering...



How are you at calculus?



Iīm good.



How would you like

to join the Denominators?



We have these really fun

pizza study groups,...



and we go to these

all-county meets.



And not that you need it,...



and I donīt wanna sound

like the Godfather,...



but we could offer you

a certain amount of protection,...



if you know what I mean.



Sounds great.



"All the worldīs a stage,...



and all the men and women,

merely players."



Does anyone know what

Shakespeare meant by that?






Itīs about disguise.



About playing a part.



And thatīs the theme of

"As You Like It."



Now, does anyone know

where we can see this?



Well, Rosalind disguises

herself as a man,...



and then she escapes

into the forest.



Right. And itīs when

sheīs in costume...



that she can finally express

her love for Orlando.



See, the point Shakespeare

is trying to make...



is that when weīre

in disguise, we feel freer.



We do things we wouldnīt

do in ordinary life.



Brett, what happens when you go out

on a footballfield in uniform?



We kick ass!

- Yeah!



You yell.

You hit people.



You touch other guysī butts.



Itīs OK, itīs OK

īcause youīre in uniform.



See, disguise changes all the rules.



Oh, itīs no problem. Iīm just

lookinī at your music video awards.



Since I got you on the phone,

letīs talk about your character, okay?



What character? Iīm Candy,

the chick who gets killed second.



Iīm only in two scenes.



Youīre not happy with your part.



Iīm not happy that I am   

playing a   -year-old.



Iīm not happy

that I have to die naked.



And Iīm not happy that my character is

too stupid to have a gun in the house...



Great, okay.

So letīs run the lines.






Page   .

Candyīs big moment.



Page   .








- Whoīs this?



Whoīs this?

- This is Candy.



Hang on.

Let me get some clothes.



See ? I donīt understand why I have

to start the scene in the shower.



The whole shower thingīs been done.

Vertigo. Hello?



Sheīs spends all of

her extra time...



with her family on a yacht

in the south of France.



Yeah, go!



Quick hands! Quick hands!

Here we go.



Whoīs a winner, huh?

Whoīs a winner? Focus.



Good work. Good work.

Easy, easy. Good work.



Rob, Thanks for showing me

that new grip.



It totally changed my swing, man.



Ah, no problem, man.



Hey, man. Whatīs goinī on?



Hey ,you guys know

that girl, Josie Geller?



Yeah, I know her.



You mean Loser?



Nah, man, sheīs cool.



I used to go out with her, man.



She dumped me.



But weīre still good friends.



Hey, really?



Yeah, hey, wait.



Like, how good? good-good?



She is amazing.



All right. All right.

All right, guys.



As youīve probably noticed, this,

uh, this certainly isnīt English.



Um, weīve combined a few classes

today here for the seminar,...



and hopefully, the speaker

will be here any minute now.



Uh, you here for the sex talk?



I like a man who gets

right to the point.



Are you Pam?



If you say so.






Juniors, Seniors,

this is Pam Kitterman.



Sheīs going to lead us

in our sex discussion.



What? What?



No, Iīm not... what?



Oh, I am. Right.

Thatīs correct.



Hi. Iīm Pam.

Iīm Pam. Hi.



Uh, sex. Ha ha ha.



Well, yeah, sex.



Um... what do you say,

really, you know?



Uh, you like a guy,

you do it with him,...



sometimes he calls.

Sometimes he doesnīt.



Oh... hi.

- What are you doing here?



I had a lunch break,

so I came by to say hello.



God, your teacher is such a fox.



Heīs coming back.

Heīs coming back.



Uh, why donīt we talk

about that... later?



And I jus want to say

that the burning sensation...



is totally normal.



Um, sex is really fun.



When youīre old enough,

which none of you are.



Trust me, I shouId know.



īCause when you lose it

to some guy named Junior...



with bad breath

in the back of a van...



at a Guns īNī Roses concert...



youīll wish you listened

to your mother when she said,...



"Nobodyīs gonna wanna buy

the whole ice cream truck...



when youīre handing out

the popsicles for free."



Any questions?



Oh, I know itīs hard...



I mean difficult, difficult,

but safe sex is really important.



OK, so just imagine that the

bananas are the real thing.



In a land called

Every Manīs Fantasy.



God, I canīt do this.



Thatīs because we donīt

have sex with bananas.



OK, wait a second.



Do you really think she

hooked up with our Rob?



I mean, theyīre so different.



Well, sometimes opposites attract.



You know what, though?



I feel like Iīm really

ready to do it.



You know, like, have sex

for the first time.



Itīs a big deal.

- I know.



Just make sure youīve

found the right person.



You know, Adélie penguins,...



they spend their whole lives...



looking for that one other penguin,...



and when they meet them,

they know,...



and they spend the rest

of their lives together.



But Iīm not a penguin.



Oh, itīs an analogy.



Excuse me.



I have to go die now.



Hey, kids, Cindy here.



Bad news about the prom.



East Glen East is gonna

do Millennium, too.






Calm down. Calm down.



Calm down! Sit!



OK, letīs focus, all right?

Itīs... itīs prom theme.



All we need is a new idea.



Um, how about Under the Sea?



Yeah, right.



Oh, please.

- Been done.



How... how about the eighties?



What do you think we are, amateurs?



All right. All right.






Thatīs not a theme.



Thank you. Uh, no...



OK, Josie will have the answer.



Uh, h-how... how... how about

Meant for Each Other:



Famous Couples Throughout History.



Absolutely. Absolutely!



Ooh,we love it.

- That was so brilliant.



Here, try these.



Gus, listen, it is a great story.



They keep the tags on...



and then they return the clothes

after theyīve worn them.










- Whatīs up?



I was just looking at this cardigan.



Isnīt it cool?



Oh, my God. Like,

there goes another lemming.



Good play! Good play!

- Go, Rob!



Go, sexy boys.



You guys, victory dance.



Kegger party tonight at my house.



Hey, that was a great play, Rob.

Great play.



You know, you may be just

what South Glen needs...



to win state this year.



Will I get to play in

the championship game?



Play in? Youīre gonna start!

Shortstop, and listen,...



I donīt want to put

extra pressure on you,...



but thereīs going to be some pro

scouts out there looking.



Thanks, Coach Romano.

- Youīre welcome.



Just glad to be part of a team again.



Josie, youīve totally transitioned.






Yeah, you crossed over

Into our group.



Itīs so hard to do.



People try all through school to

transition and never make it.






Guy is totally crunching on you.



Do I want to be crunched?



By Guy?




- Oh,yeah.









Iīm not going to her again.



She calls it a pedicure?



She wants me.



Bye. Out.

Good night. Bye.



Ms. Haskell is gone and forgotten.

Next sack races at the company picnic.



Yes or no?



Sorry Iīm Iate.



I love that top.



Thank you. The horseshoes.



Itīs all about horseshoes.



Excuse me?



Iīm trying to get

to a tennis game.



Could you please tell me,...



what is the status

of your story, Ms. Geller?



Oh, uh, great.



Totally rufus.



Is this something

I possibly could see?



I... I have some notes.



I donīt need your notes.

I need your story.



Though I must speak

for all of us here,...



I have seen your tapes.

Compelling stuff.



But I want the story in two weeks.



Two weeks, Ms. Geller,



or Iīll "rufus" you right outta here.



I think youīre going

to be a great reporter,...



but if you arenīt,

you and Gus are fired.



Next order of business.



Marketing department:

Yes or no?



Hello, you guys.



Hi, guys.

- Iīm Robīs prom date.




- Yeah.



Oh, my God.



Yeah... yeah...



Sheīs    years old, Rob.

- I know. And a gymnast.



Rob, itīs completely

and totally illegal.



Iīll tell you why, for

the following reasons...



I gotta talk to you.



I need some air.



Iīll see you around

the cellblock, Mrs. Robinson.



Hey, Rob?



What do you want to be

when you grow up?






Yeah, I know, but, I mean,

what if you donīt make it?



I mean, you donīt want

to be working...



at the mail place for

the rest of your life.



Uh, itīs OK for an

after-school job, but...



"Hi, Iīm Rob and I run

the Tiki Post"?



Totally lame.



Is this like a lemon meringue

pie color or something?



Itīs... itīs, uh...



Oh, you know what?



Maybe we should go

into another room.



Uh, Iīve checked each and

every one of these rooms.



Thereīs, I mean,

serious couples in there.



This is fine. This is fine.



Someoneīs gettinī hooked up.

- Yeah, baby.



Robīs sister is a loser.



Um, please come here.



I need to talk to you about something.



Itīs a comfy bed.






Yeah, itīs nice.

Itīs nice.



I know that youīve

probably allready heard...



that I want to ask you

to prom, but, uh...



thereīs something different

about it asking in person.



I know that we didnīt

hit it off in the beginning.



And, uh, I... I really...









Itīs rufus.



Where do I pick you up?



How do we arrange this?

What do I do?



Uh, we can meet here at Robīs,...



and we can all share

a limousine together.



Thank you.



Have a good evening.



And... and thank you.



Hey, Josie. Hey, Rob.



Lookinī good, guys.



Josie, Robster,

rufus kegger.



You were wasted.



Itīs so unbelievable.



I waited my whole life to fit in

and I finally feel like I do.



You do.



Hey, Rob. Hi, Josie.



Who did Archie date,

Betty or Veronica?



Yeah, both.

- See?



I aIways liked Betty better.






Betty was so fun and spunky.



I mean, Veronica had the great legs.



She was too moody.



Very high maintenance.



You canīt refuse to sell me

a ticket to prom!



Listen, Alpo,



we can do whatever we want to.



Oh, I see. You canīt count change?



My God, Iīll like make it easy, OK?



Hereīs the money.

Iīm taking the ticket.



Oh, my God!



She was mocking us.



Did you see that?



We gotta make her dogfood.




She is going down.



Oh, I aImost forgot.



I got you a meeting with the

admissions guy from Dartmouth.






But, um... I wasnīt going

to go to college.



No, no.

I pulled some strings.



And I got them to look

at your writing,...



and, he agreed to meet with you.



You believe in me that much?



Of course I do, Josie.



You owe it to yourself, to

your writing, to go to college.



You are a greatwriter.



You just have to find your story.



He is your story.



Youīre crazy. No.









What do you mean no?



Heīs got it all... sex, intrigue,

immorality in the education system.



Heīs my teacher.



Yeah, thatīs the best part.



"Student-teacher Relations:

How Close is Too Close?"



Josie, weīre gonna

blow the lid off it.



There is no lid.



Thereīs nothing going on between Sa...



Mr. Coulson and me.

- Who are you kidding?



Everyone in this office is here

every day, watching you two.



Itīs like the goddamn

Young and the Restless.



Rigfort is salivating over it.



You pitched this to Rigfort?



Josie, this isnīt a joke.



You heard Rigfort.

Both our asses are on the line.



Now, this is the story.

Call me when youīve got it.



Josie, you look so...

- Rufus?



Yes, exactIy.



Major rufus.



What are you supposed to be?



Tom Cruise. Risky Business.



Thatīs nice.



Thank you for everything, Rob.



Itīs all really happening

and I know itīs because of you.



My wallet.



Where are you gonna put it?



Come on, beautiful.

Letīs go.



Hey, how you doing?



Hello! If you donīt hurry,

weīre gonna miss the whole thing.



Yeah, weīll talk.



Oh, my God.



You totally ripped off

my Malibu Barbie idea.



Iīm Disco Barbie.



And Iīm Evening Gown Barbie.



Josie darling, you look rufus.



Who are you guys?



Wait, wait, wait.

Donīt tell me.



Youīre Medieval Barbie?



Get over it.



Weīre Rosalind and Orlando.






Look, I get to have a sword.



Oh, my God!

- That is so awesome!



Itīs so big.

- I want a sword.



All right, look at this place.



Come on, letīs dance.

Iīm Tom Cruise.



Hi. How are you?



This is the most beautifuI prom

Iīve ever been to.



Work, work, work.

Work it. Merk, Merk.






I guess I know...



Kristin, what are you doing?



Practicing my surpriseface

for when they name prom court.



Oh, sorry. Thereīs

no room at this tabIe.



Itīs just too bad for them.



Oh, wait. I forgot.



A little surprise for ya.



Did I miss the crowning?



No, but Iīm closing

the pool in   minutes.



Josieīs odds are   to  .

  to   for the prom court.



Even money that that kid

pokes himseIf with the sword...



by the end of the evening.



The time is now

to start the show...



OK, maybe we should sit down.









Are you having fun yet?



Uh, yeah.






Guess what.

- What?



Gibby gave me champagne.

- Thatīs nice.






Rob... Iīve been thinking.



And I think...



I mean, I know...

youīre the one.



My penguin.



I want you to be my first.



Once the floor stops spinning,

- Oh, God.



Letīs have sex.



Youīre gonna hurt yourself.

Put that down.



All right. Um...



Tell you what,Tracy.

- What?



Iīm flattered... but...



Iīd say Iīm gonna go

get some more punch,...



and then weīll go

on the dancefloor and boogie.



Thatīs good.



No. Oh... help.

Iīm stuck.






You guys, what is the one thing

that could ruin my senior prom?



That you would trip

on your Barbie heels,...



and Iīd be named prom queen?



Did I just say that out loud?



So, who are you supposed to be

other than freaks?



Weīre DNA.

Double helix.



Oh, but I guess youīd actually

know that if youīd passed Bio.



No, no, no.



Donīt touch the hydrogen.

Itīs rented.



Here we go,

ladies and gentIemen....



give it up for

Mr. Coulson and Ms. Knox.



OK, OK. Enough.



Well, our      prom court.



And the princesses are...



Miss Kristin Davis...



Miss Kirsten Liosis

and Miss Gibby Zerefski.



And the princes are...



Mr. Thomas Salomme...



Mr. Jason Way...



And Mr. Rob...



Mr. Rob...



Mr. Rob! Yeah!



Mr. Rob!



Thatīs me!



All right!



Next up,

South Glenīs prom king...



Guy Perkins.



Very nice.



And this yearīs prom queen...



ladies and gentIemen...



Josie Geller.



I knew you could do it, girI.



And as is custom...



the king and the queen...



will now have their first dance.



I never made it to my prom.






I onIy made it to the parking Iot.



Tell me what youīre thinking.



I was thinking about Shakespeare.



How he described a night like this.



"Look how the floor of heaven...



is thick inlaid with

pateens of bright gold."



What are you thinking about?



My sword.



Josie, you rock my worId.



Youīre like the most amazing

girl that Iīve ever... dated.



Youīre so fun to be with.

Youīre smart. Youīre... crazy.



You are...



You rock my worId.



You said that already.

- Yeah.



Is this chocolate? OK.



Josie, you make a really

beautifuI prom queen.






Thanks. So do you.



You know, I always feel

like kind of a goofball...



in these penguin suits,...



like Iīm at my own wedding

or something.



Do you wanna...

do you wanna...









Aldys, I figured since itīs prom,

letīs put all the shit behind us,...



and I would love nothing more

than to dance with you.



All right.



Thatīs, of course, if itīs OK

with the rest of the double heIix.



Yes? OK?



You know whatīsfunny?



Proms always make me a little sad.

Theyīre so final.



You know, graduation,

everyone scattering, moving on.



Is your girlfriend here?



No, no. Iīm alone.



In fact, we broke up last week.






Thatīs funny because, you know,...



actually, prom comes from "promenade,"...



and you canīt promenade alone, can you?



Youīre amazing, Josie Geller.



Oh, oh. Come here.

- Come on.



Come on.



Have you thought about Dartmouth anymore?






And, um... thereīs something

that I want to tell you.



Tell him what?!



No, no, no, not now.

Not now!






Thereīs something

I want to tell you, too.









I knew it.



You are a loser!



You ruined everything.



You so do not deserve

to be prom queen!



Let me tell you something.



I donīt care about being

your stupid prom queen.



Iīm    years oId!



Iīm an undercover reporter

for the Chicago Sun-Times.



And I have been beating my brains

out trying to impress you people.



Let me tell you something, Gibby,...



Kirsten, Kristin,...



you will spend your lives...



trying to figure out

how to keep others down...



because it makes you

feel more important.



Why her?



Let me tell you something

about this girl.



She is unbelievabIe.



I was new here and she befriended

me, no questions asked.



But you,

you were only my friend...



after my brother Rob

posed as a student...



and told you to like me.



Robbie Rob?



All of you people...



there is a big worId out there,...



bigger than prom,

bigger than high school,...



and it wonīt matter

if you were the prom queen...



or the... the quarterback

of the football team...



or... the biggest nerd in school.



Find out who you are and

try not to be afraid of it.



Excuse me.



That was just like Carrie.



I thought she was gonna

kill us all.



All right, you guys.

Go Rams.



Well, all right.



Can somebody take the Alpo girls

outside and hose 'em off?



South Glen cIass of     

are you ready to party?!



Hello. We lost the feed.

Gus is going nuts.



Heīs calling every five minutes.



Did you get the story?

- No.



Please tell me you got

something on Coulson.






Iīm just gonna go.









S-surprise, you were

doing a story on me?



No, I couldnīt. I mean...



Surprise, I was hoping...



What? What, you were

hoping what? What?



That... that Iīd be happy?



Why? Because it turns out I was

allowed to be attracted to you?



You were attracted to me?



God damn it, Josie,

you set me up for a story.



No, I... I...



Just... just drop the act.






I mean, every word out of your

mouth had been a complete lie.



I donīt know you at all.



Look, if we could just spend

some time together,...



you could get to know me again.



Wait. Please donīt walk away.



I just canīt look at you

the same way.






Hey, Josie.



Came by to check on you.

I was worried about you.




- No.



Not really.



Not really, Josie.



How couId you do this to me?



I helped you. I got you

everything you wanted.



And how do you repay me?



You blow everything

two days before the championship.



I wasnīt even thinking.



No, you werenīt.



Did it ever occur to you that

the only time Iīve been happy...



in the past five years

is when Iīm playing ball,...



when Iīm part of a team?



Josie, itīs not even about playing.



I taught those guys things,

I helped them.



My life had meaning.






Just forget about it.

Itīs over.



Back to the Tiki Post.

Totally lame.



"Josie Geller bIows her cover."



And we were scooped.



Weīve got nothing.






Josie, you totally and

completely screwed both of us.



Maybe... maybe I couId talk to Rigfort,

tell him the whole story.



You know, Iīll tell you

a story, OK?



Itīs about this shy copy editor...



who makes a total mockery

of herself and her boss...



when she completely botches...



her first assignment as a reporter.



We are not... screwed.



Yes, I made a mistake.



But we wiII have a story, OK?



You will have an amazing story.






Oh, please. Oh, please.



Excuse me, gentIemen.



I suggest you cover up

what you donīt want seen.



Thank you.



Coach Romano?

- Yeah.



Iīm Josie Geller from

the Chicago Sun-Times,...



and I have a favor

to ask you.



Do you know the sports guy... Jim Lankin?

- Sure. Everybody knows Big Jim.



They try to get him to come out

and watch all their games. Why?



Well, what if I told you...



that I can guarantee you

that Big Jim...



and every other reporter

in the area...



would cover your game?



Well, Iīd say you could have

whatever you wanted, young lady.



Someone once told me...



that to write well,

you have to write what you know.



This is what I know...



Iīm    years old and I have

never really kissed a guy.



A geek to the core, most of

my childhood years were spent...



doing extra homework I requested

from the teacher.



High school was more of the same.



Then, at    it seemed as if

my luck was about to change.



The cutest guy asked me

to the senior prom,...



but it turned out he invited

me as a cruel joke,...



and I have never fully recovered.



Yes, it is embarrassing

to share this with the world,...



but it would be hard to explain...



what I learned

and how I Iearned it...



without sharing this

humiliating history.



I received an assignment,

my first as a reporter,...



to go back to high school

and find out about kids today.



What I ended up finding was myself

and that high school hasnīt changed.



Thereīs still that one teacher

who marches to her own drummer.



Those girls are still there,...



the ones that,

even as you grow up,...



will remain

the most beautiful girls...



you have ever seen close up.



The smart kids,...



who everyone else knew

as "the brains,"...



but I just knew them as my soul mates,

my teachers, my friends.



And thereīs still that one guy...



with his mysterious confidence...



who seems so perfect in every way.



The guy you get up and go to

school for in the morning.



South Glen would not have been

the same without him.



High school would not have

been the same without him.



I would not have been

the same without him.



I lived a lifetime of regret...



after my first high school experience.



And now, after my second,

my regrets are down to one.



A certain teacher was hurt

on my path to self-discovery,...



and although this article

may serve as a step,...



it in no way makes up

for what I did to him.



To this man...

you know who you are...



I am so sorry.



And I would like to add

one more thing...




- Hang on a second.



I think I am in love with you.



And so I propose this...



as an ending to this articIe

and perhaps a beginning...



to the next chapter of my life,...



I, Josie Geller,...



will be at the state

championship baseball game,...



where my friends, the South Glen Rams,

are playing for the title.



I will stand on

the pitcherīs mound...



for five minutes prior

to the first pitch.



If this man accepts my apology,...



I ask him to come kiss me...



for my first real kiss.



Thank you all for coming.






Oh, my God. There are

so many peopIe here.



Itīs great, Josie.



Theyīre behind you.



They feel like they know you.



Itīs romantic what youīre doing

and they want to be a part of it.



Well, Iīm glad that you guys are.



Oh, Anita.



Sweet Jesus, Geller.

I had no idea...



thereīd be this many

TV crews here.



You have held up your

end of this bargain.



I want you to get out

there and get him.



Yay, Josie!






We love you!



Thank you.



Um, may I have five minutes

on the clock, please?



Wieners. I got hot wieners.



Hiya, Mr. Rigfort.



Get in your own row!



Gotwieners here.



Thank you.



Have a wiener.



Ahh... I love this.



Sun-Times readers out here en masse

relating personally to one of our reporters.



Itīs amazing, isnīt it?



 ...  ...



That is so wrong.



Sorry Iīm Iate.



It took me forever to get here.



I know what you mean.



All right.



That a girl.



All right,

letīs play ball, kids!




- Come on!




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