The Next Best Thing Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Next Best Thing script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Madonna and Rupert Everett movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Next Best Thing. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Next Best Thing Script



To the left.






Open your chest.






- Here you go, boss.

- Thanks.



- Hi.

- I couldn't get a sitter.



It's okay. Go get a mat.



Hi. Hi. Hi.

You wanna do yoga?



A thousand dollars for dirt?



Since when does dirt

cost a thousand dollars?



"Dirt cheap" is an expression,

Mrs Griffiith.



It doesn't apply to a city

built on a desert.



Here you go.

You sit right there.



- Thankyou.

- Thankyou.



Hey, where do you think

you're going?



Mama was queen ofthe mambo

Papa wasking ofthe Congo



Deep down in thejungle

lstartedbangin'my first bongo



- Everymonkey like--

- Hello.



- He's really doing it.

- Who's doing what?



Kevin. He's leaving me.



- Where are you?

- I'm coweringbehinda flowerpot...



in my courtyard.



- How do I stop him?

- Don't, don't, don't stop him.

Just let him go, Abbie.



- My hands are shaking.

- Listen, lthoughtyou were

supposedto be ayoga teacher.



Just pull yourself up by your chakras

and do exactly what I say.



Now, in my opinion, the best defence

is a good pretence....



sojust pretend you're going out.



Justget alldressedup

inyourSundaybest andleave.



- And then what?

- Rush over to my house

and tell me all about it.



- Did I come at a bad time?

- Oh, no, I'm used to it, Kevin.



- You always come before I'm ready.

- I'll come back

for the rest of my stuff later.



No, let'sjust get this over with.

Holler ifyou need any help.



- It's not gonna work this time.

- What's not gonna work?



Your fantastic body.



Then you won't mind

doing up my dress.



- You don't have to stop.

- Yes, I do.



If I don't,

it'll start all over again...



and then it'll end

all over again.



Don't you think there's a chance

we can still work this out?



Look, it's not you, okay? It's me.

I mean, you're-- you're-- you're great.



You know, you're-- you're smart,

you're-- you're-- you're beautiful...



you're a good cook

and you are a great lay.



I'm just-- I'm just not ready,

all right? l-l'm-- I'm not there yet.



- Well, where is "there," Kevin?

- Commitment-wise. You're

way too much for me right now.



Wait a minute.



Are you saying that if I had

less to offeryou, you'd have

more ofa future together?



Okay. You want the truth?



I-l wanna date

less complicated women.



- What?

- I wanna come home

and we'd go out to dinner...



and people come over and talk to me,

and she smiles and she nods, okay?



And then we go home

and we do it...



and she doesn't instruct me

like an air traffiic controller.



- I do not instruct you.

- And in the morning, she understands...



that she's got to leave quickly,

so I can get on with the rest of my day

and I don't have to think about it.



Okay? That's what I want

right now. Simplicity.



No, what you want is a bimbo,

and that's exactly what you deserve.



- Robert was so right about you.

- Do you think I give a shit what

that faggot thinks about me?



Wait a minute. Kevin.



- Please don't leave me like this.

- Look, I don't love you.



It's over.



Theysaythat falling in love--



I am the only one

who's seen both.



Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.



Ethel is and always will be

the defiinitive Annie...



and that bottle-blonde upstart cannot

hold a six-shooter to Merman.



It's true. True!



- Okay, so, uh, one heart.

- Are you bidding? Thankyou. Pass.



- Four clubs.

- Four diamonds, and I

don't mean rhinestones.



Oh, good. Robert's arrived.

Now we can settle this Annie Get

YourGun controversy once and for all.



- Robert, Merman or Hutton? Who reigns?

- I have no idea, you guys.



I'm afraid I flunked

on gay history.



- Pity, Robbie, pity.

- Take a tutorial.



- Silly boys.

- Let's move on, shall we? I pass.



Come on.



I told you there'd be tears

before bedtime.



- Another two years down the drain.

- Listen, Abbie.



You settled for less, you got less.

That's it. That's the end ofthe story.



Full stop. Now, if I were you,

and I practically am...



I'd turn my little red wagon

around and I'd get off

that dead-end street pronto.



I feel like Kevin was my last chance

for a normal life.



- Now you're really scaring me.

- Robert, look at me.



- I'm not    any more.

- You're not even    any more. So what?



Maybe I'd like to have

a family at some point...



before it's too late.



Abbie, I thinkyou should sort things

out with your own wacky family...



before you think about creating

a dysfunctional carbon copy

ofyour own.



-Oh, thankyou. I knew you'd understand.

-Ifyou want to have a kid,

just go ahead and have one.



- With what man?

- You don't need to have a man

to have a child.



This is the     st century.



Just go out and buy yourself

some nice, frozen lvy League sperm...



swish it around in a test tube

and bottoms up.



I don't wanna have

a baby that way.



Well, then go to China and buy one.



I wanna have a baby

with someone I love...



and I'm never gonna meet anybody,

and pretty soon it'sjust gonna be

another thing I didn't do.



Listen, darling, ifthis evening's

gonna turn into a pity party...



I'm gonna go up to the big house

and sing Annie Get YourGun

with the others.



Can't I just be sad?



Can't you just humour me?



Oh, all right.



Well, actually, not all right.



I can't commiserate with you. Not about

breaking up with that asshole Kevin.



Itjust makes me too angry.




you are the most beautiful woman

I know.



And I think more highly ofyou

than you do ofyourself.



- What is it with straight guys in L.A.?

- There aren't any.



I can't imagine any man letting you

slip through his fiingers. Really.



You're the only woman in the world

that I would like to...






- Ow!

- Thanks.



Anyway, let's drink to never

having to see that loser again...



or talk about him!



I have to.



Might as well just go to the studio now

and get it over with.






Because he still

has my house keys.



Are you going to sacrifiice your last

shred ofself-respect for a set of keys?



- I think so.

- That is tragic.



This is how much I care.

I'll handle this.



This here.



- Turn the hi-hats down.

- This is radio all day. Clubs.



- Good stuff. I hear a single.

- Keep the bass

bumpin' like that, though.



Get the bass goin'.



- Keep the bottle head up.

- More bass. Put more bass in.



Hear that? Make you wanna grow

a big-ass Afro, huh?



- Hi, hi.

- What the--






Robert, what the hell

are you doing here?



I haven't come here to argue.

I just want the keys.



You know what I'm talking about.

The house keys. Hand 'em over!



- I don't have your keys.

- No more excuses, poopsie.






I haven't got time for the pain.



Hey, Kev, look like

your bitch need a shave.



- Actually, I wax.

- He's not my bitch, okay?



-So what you sayin'? You the bitch, Kev?

-I'm not anybody's bitch, all right?



- Abbie put you up to this, didn't she?

- Oh, A-Abbie-- Abbie.



Is that what you're calling me

this month to your chocolate-covered

peanut gallery?



- Yo Mama!

- This is precisely why...



I'm leaving him, everyone.



This double life

is tearing my roots apart.



Just give me the keys, please,

to Abbie's house.



- Yeah, give this punk the keys, Kev.

- You left a few things at home.



- Toothbrush. Ha!

- A toothbrush?



- A girl's best friend: knee pads!

- Knee pads!



- Nair.

- Nair!

- Kevin!



Oh, one more thing.

You forgot these.



- Oh, man!

- You slut!



Want the keys? Huh?



Get the hell outta here!



Kev, those rubbers

wasn't even lubricated, dog.



Oh, look what you

made happen, Kev.



- You're not gonna even

walk her to the car?

- Oh, that's funny.



Go suck it down, Kev!



Come on. Hurry up.

Get in the car.



Yes! Hurry up!




Neverunderestimate us



- Can'tstop

- Thanks, Mary.



You're welcome, Muriel.



- Neverunderestimate us

- Drive!



- Ooh! This is madness!

- Can'tstop



I'm so glad you guys are here.



If it weren't foryou,

I'd feel like I was crashing

my own boyfriend's funeral.



Who are the pallbearers?



Ugh. A grab bag ofJoe's relatives

he couldn't relate to.



Wouldn't participate in his life,

but they'd drive across three states

to attend his funeral.



What's he wearing in there?



I said his favouritejeans and

a T-shirt. They said, "No, a suit."



So I said, "Okay, fiine. That black

St Laurent double-breasted velvet suit."



- He loved that suit.

- I love that suit.

- Oh, I love that suit.



- "Too loud," they said.

- A black suit?



"Too gay" is what they meant.



So now he's in one

of his brother's old suits.



Hugo Boss, I believe.



Death in Boss.



So the black velvet suit

is still around?



- Sorry.

- I just wish I could have

given him what he wanted.



Joe wanted to be cremated...



his ashes scattered to the wind

inJoshua Tree with...



Don McLean's "American Pie" playing

really, really loud on a boom box.



- Family said no.

- Why?



- God.

- Ask her.



Lord God,

bless this grave...



and send your angel

to watch over it.



Joe did not want

all this Gothic hocus-pocus.



- Shh.

- I feel like I'm in The Omen.



There's always great sadness

when we say goodbye to a loved one...



especially one

so beloved asJoseph...



struck down in his prime

by pneumonia.



Pneumonia. Please.



This is the hardest thing most of us

will ever have to face...



to stand at the grave

ofa loved one.



Lord, welcome our brother

to paradise...



and may Your light

shine on him.



- Amen.

- Amen.



- Ican't rememberiflcried

- Shh.



When lreadabout

his widowedbride



Butsomething touchedme

deep inside



The day



The music died



So, bye, bye



MissAmerican Pie



Drove my Chevyto the levee



But the levee wasdry



- Themgoodol'boys were drinkin '

- Goodbye,Joe.







the daythat ldie



This'llbe the daythat ldie



They were singin '



Bye, bye,

MissAmerican Pie



Drove my Chevyto the levee



But the levee wasdry




were drinkin' whiskyandrye




the daythat ldie



When I die,

I don't want to be buried...



and I don't want to be burned.



Just cut me up

and stuff me in this freezer...



next to these frozen pizzas

for the next hundred years.









Hey. Robert.



It's okay.



- Please stay with me tonight.

- Yeah.



Justsixmore spots to fill.



Ourfifth finalist,

Miss Colombia!



Is Miss Colombia

clenching herjaw or what?



She's totally wired on Fen-Phen.



Hope she wins.



Do you think they're all really

popular and have boyfriends?






Look at Miss Venezuela.

She looks so happy.



You crazy?



She's got Vaseline on her teeth,

her national costume is too tight...



she's been smiling nonstop

for the last two years...



and her shoes are too small.



She reminds me

of myselfon a date.



- I can't imagine ever dating again.

- Oh, shut up.



'Course you can.

Just think of it as a pageant.



Yeah. Miss Hopeful.



Ifyou were to win

tonight's contest...



what would be your fiirst act

as Miss Universe?



Well, I would get down

on my hands and knees...



and I would promise to change

everything about myselfto please you.



That doesn't work.

I've tried it.



I've been down

on my hands and knees.



Yes, well, I fiind that hard

not to believe.



Grovelling, that is,

for love and affection.



Do you still miss him?



Well, I don't miss

being fiirst runner-up.



Yeah, I miss him.



He was totally me.



- Happy lndependence Day.

- Bottoms up.



Turning thesituation

'rounda little more



Making it looklike things



Arejust fine



- You cangoyour way

- Ooh, lady.



-Shudderto think--

-You need to have your back waxed again.



Touch in aplace

that makes it a love thing



Straight to the face



One-way love

wouldbe a miracle



Touch in aplace



That makes it a love thing



Straight to the face

at any rate



One-way love

wouldbe a miracle



Touch in aplace



One-way love

wouldbe a miracle



Dreamilypassing by



Wordssort ofcome andgo



Come up here.



- How long have they been together?

- Oh, I don't know. Since the lce Age.



- Hmm?

- Abbie, don't touch anything.



These people are maniacs

about their stuff.



They seem so easygoing.



Don't be fooled by the alcoholic haze

they walk around in.



- Sorry.

- You're a total liability.



FlyingDown To Eio,

Top Hat...



The GayDivorcee,

Swing Time.



Nothing but '  s musicals.



- They got stuck in the Depression.

- So did l.



Steppin'out with mybaby



Ican'tgo wrong

'cause I'm in right



It's forsure

not formaybe



- That I'm alldressedup tonight

- This'll sort her out.



- Whatever it is you're doing,

put it down.

- Yes.



Neverfelt quiteso sunny



Andlkeep on knockin' wood



Where are you?



- Ta-da!

- Abbie, you are naughty.



- I couldn't help it.

- Ashby's gonna have a coronary.



- You've got to be very careful.

- Don't worry. I'll put it back.



- Whose dress is this?

- Ashby's.






No. Ashby, in his day,

my darling...



was one ofthe most important designers

to ever throw a fiit.



Happy Fourth.



Steppin'out with mybaby



Ican'tgo wrong

'cause I'm in right



It's forsure

andnot formaybe



That I'm alldressedup tonight



Steppin'out with myhoney



Can't be badto feelsogood




quiteso sunny



Andlkeep on knockin' wood












There'llbesmooth sailing

'cause I'm trimmin'mysails



In mytop hat andmy white tie




- Oh, steppin'out with mybaby

- Whoo!



Can'tgo wrong

'cause I'm in right



Askme when willthe daybe



The big daymaybe tonight






Hi, um--



- Is it my imagination, or--

- I know.



I wanted to call you

and tell you all about it...



but I know you're not at home.



Well, leave a message after the beep

and I'll get back to you.



Oh, Christ.



My God, it's half past   :  !



They'll be back any minute now.



They're probably driving

from the airport right now.



Please, don'tjust lie there,

Abbie. Do something! Help me

get this place together!



What are these shoes doing here?



- I can't believe you let this happen.

- Me?



You make it sound

like you were seduced.



- I was the one that kept saying no.

- You weren't saying "no."

You were saying "now."



- Ridiculous!

- Anyway, you started it. You kissed me.



I kiss you every day.

We kiss all the time.



Every time we see each other, we kiss.

It's friendly. It's European.



I don't think I've been to that country

in Europe where the natives say hello...



by sticking their tongue

down your throat.



Oh, so you haven't been

to ltaly recently, have you?



We need to talk, Robert.



No, Abbie, we need to get this place

sorted out. Now will you help me

with this couch, now!



Something has happened.



It's not every day ofthe week

that I sleep with my best friend.



Oh, thank God. Look.

We were lonely as hell, and we had

too much to drink. Full stop!



Now, in halfan hour, two ofthe most

evil queens in Christendom...



are coming back to fiind

their overdecorated show palace...



has been vandalized

by their gardener and his plotting,

nymphomaniacal best friend!



You're embarrassed, aren't you?



"Embarrassed"? "Embarrassed"

is the understatement ofthe year.



Try catatonic!

Try apoplectic!



Why? Because you knocked over

a few lamps?



Or because you knocked over

a few lamps with a woman?



Can we please talk this

to death a little later?



- We can talk this to death

a little never.

- Abbie! Abbie, wait!



Abbie, please!



- I've seen that look

so many times before.

- What look?



That "shutting down, turning off,

morning after" Iook.



You'rejust like any other guy.

I expected more from you, Robert...



being a gay man and all.



Abbie, Abbie, don't--



- God, it's good to be home.

- Christ!



Come on, Ashby.

Stop dragging ass.



Hold your water.



- Hi ho, Robbie!

- Hi ho.



- My God!

- My God!



- We've been broken into!

- Oh, my God!



- Look at this place!

- Look at this mess!



- It's a mess!

- My dresses are all over the place!



- Didn't you set the alarm?

- Ofcourse I set the alarm!



You know, David, you're gonna have to

give this a little water on occasion.



Doesn't perpetual care

include sprinkler service?



- That's the spirit, David.

- ToJoe.



- Foreveryoung and beautiful Joe.

- He still left the party too early.



- So where's Abbie?

I thought she was coming.

- Yeah.



Something happened.



We slept together.



"Slept together" as in cuddly pj's...



or "slept together"

as in shagged her?



Oh, my God! You did? When?



- About a week and a halfago.

- How was it? Was it hot?



"Hot"? David, you're talking

about Abbie! She's like our sister.

How could it be "hot"?



- You're the one who nailed her.

Are you gonna do it again?

- No, ofcourse not.



- You did it once.

How can you be so sure?

- 'Cause it'sjust one ofthose...



crazy things that happens once

and never again.



Anyway, she's not talking

to me any more, nor is she

returning my phone calls...



and it's really upsetting me.



- You mean you would ifshe did?

- Would what?



- Are you telling us

you're straight now?

- No.



You just said you're really upset

that you couldn't bang her again.



That's not what I said.



Next thing he'll be combing

his hair like Donald Trump.



Subscribing to

Victoria's Secret catalogues.



And voting Republican.



Praise be to Lordy,

she's been reformed.



- Call Jerry Falwell.

- Shut up!



- Don't call me "she."

- See?

- See?



Hi, it'sAbbie.

Leave a message.



Abbie, pick up.



Pick up.



Listen, lknow we crosseda line

and we shot offthe main road...



but there'sno reason

why we can't climb up

the embankment andget back on track.



We've known each other too long

to let this come between us.



I can't do it alone.



Please, call me. Hmm?



- Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

- Hi.



I know how you hate that.

Anyway, I'm starving.



Thanks for waiting.

Can I see a menu?



- What is that?

- What?



- Since when do you eat meat?

- I don't.






I think I'm gonna be sick.



Well, you're obviously craving iron.

You must be getting your period.



Annabel, my period.



When is my period?



- How late are you?

- Third weekend inJune.



One, two, three, four, fiive, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...



thirteen, fourteen--

Korean hot springs--



fiifteen, sixteen, seventeen--

Fourth ofJuly.



I remember that.



- Did we drive to Matador Beach?

- Mm-hmm.



- Did we stop?

- Uh-uh.



No. Shit.



Just try to remember the last time you

felt fat and ugly and suicidal.



- What can I get foryou?

- The nearest drugstore.



So you've come crawling back.



No. I mean, yes.



I have something to tell you.



- Is it good news or bad news?

- Good news, I hope.



Good news. Good news foryou,

or good news for me?



For us, I hope.



For us.



Is it, uh,

bigger than a bread box?



Not yet.



Oh, God. Come on.

Can't you just guess?



-Just spit it out.

- Okay.



What's the best thing

I could tell you?



That you've met

a fabulous guy for me.






What's the next best thing?



That we can turn back the clock.



Nothing bad

ever happened between us...



and that, well...



we're best friends again.






Oh, I missed you so much.



I'm pregnant with your baby.



I mean, you can't be pregnant.

We only did it once.



- That's all it takes.

- What, eight martinis

and you're stuffed?



- That's right.

- Wow. Doesn't take much

to crackyour egg, does it?



You don't have to make

a decision right now...



but I've made up my mind

that I'm having this baby...



and you can be involved as much

or as little as you like.



Well, I can't very well

not be involved.



I mean, it's not like I suddenly can

stop knowing you or something, can l?



Can l? Ow!



Come on, Robert.

I'm offering you a choice.



You can be the baby's father,

oryou can be the baby's uncle.



I want you to be the father.



We could do this, Robert.

I know we could.



- What about if l--

- Please?



Just think about it.



Here, Dad, catch this!




Hey, look at you. Let's give you

a little wipey-wipe, huh?



Oh! Not again.



I'm just saying ifyou stuck

to gin and tonic, it wouldn't stain.



- Hi. There he is.

- I cannot abide gin and tonic,

and you know it.



- Oh, it's him.

- Back to the baggage--



- Hello.

- Mum.

- Oh, darling. Oh.



- What happened?

- Oh, nothing. Daddy had

a little accident.



- It was the air waitress

that had the accident.

- We'll get thejacket cleaned, darling.



- I just happened to be conveniently

located directly under her.

- Six hours of hell. How are you?



- I'm fiine.

- You look a little thin.

- I'm not thin. Come on. Let's go.



- Thankyou for shaving.

- I did shave.



Ofcourse you shaved.

You look gorgeous.



-Attention, travellers.: You are not--

- Hey, get, get, get, get outta there!



- How's the gardening world?

- Fine, thanks.



- Darling, you're miles away.

- I've stuffon my mind. I'm sorry.



How's your friend Abbie?



- She's fiine.

- How's her love life?



Well, as a matter offact,

she's, uh, pregnant.



- No. When did she get married?

- She didn't.



Who's the father?



Actually, it's, uh, me.



Abbie is pregnant with my child

and your grandchild.



Is she? Really?



- Do you mean it was all a joke?

- What?



- You're not really queer?

- Shh. Loweryour voice to a shriek.



Ofcourse I'm queer. It'sjust

that I'm having a baby as well.



- I'm confused.

- Well, I'm not.



You're going to make

a laughing stock ofthe family.



- Child needs a role model,

someone to look up to.

- Well, I'll wear heels.



Ifyou were younger,

I'd take you over my knee...



and thrash

the living daylights out ofyou.



I thinkyou mean

ifyou were younger, Dad.



I'm getting a taxi.

I'll see you at the hotel.



Oh, God, he's a bore, isn't he?



Thank goodness you're here.



- I just don't know

if I can do it or not.

- Well, no one's ever ready for a baby.



But I'll tell you one thing: having

a child is the best thing in the world.



It stops you from worrying

about yourself.



There's something more important

than you in the world...



and that's such a relief

in the end.



I don't know. Itjust seems like

such a huge responsibility

to take on overnight.



It's an opportunity that's come up.

It won't come up again.



I can't tell you to do it,

but I can tell you...



think very carefully

before you don't do it.



Having you is the best thing

that ever happened to me.



- Oh, Mum.

- Even though you've been...



an enormous disappointment

in many ways.



- Mum.

- Well, you have.



But you're you.

I adore you.



Darling, careful.






I'll do it.



I want to be the father

ofour baby.



- Are you sure?

- Yes.



I don't want to do it halfway. I want

to do it all the way or not at all.



I don't want to be

some gay uncle...



who lives on the other side

ofthe tracks with his roommate Bruce...



who no one's supposed to talk to.



I want to be the baby's father,

forever and always.



One more thing.



I can't be a husband.



You just have to be a father...



and a friend.



- You what?

- Robert Robert?



- Gay Robert Robert?

- Hejust goes by Robert now.



- You are outrageous.

- I would not kick him out of bed.



He defiinitely falls into

the "what a waste" category.



- Totally.

- So what was it like?



- Did he rise to the occasion?

- Obviously he did.



Hey, could we move past the sex part

and get onto the now part?



- I'm having a baby.

- Oh, Abbie, that is so great.

- That is cool.



- It's tough being

a single parent, Abbie.

- I'm not gonna be a single parent.



- What?

- Robert's moving in with me...



and we're gonna raise

the baby together.



- Are you sure you know

what you're doing?

- Look, Robert is the

most incredible man...



- I've ever met...

- Right.

- True.



and he's hung in there

when my boyfriends haven't.



That's true.



And we're always gonna love each other

and be in each other's lives...



and we're never getting married,

so we can't get divorced.



You know, there's a certain

crazy logic to this...



and Robert will do

everything a husband will do.



- Exactly.

- Including not sleep with you.



Yes, but I won't be

bitter and resentful about it.



- Well, at least the kid

will be gorgeous.

- Oh, no doubt.



- Will he be gay?

- Kelly!



- What?

- Come on.

- Come on.



My God. Will your kids

be stupid?



- Good to have you here, David.

- Make yourselfat home.



Anything you need,

just let us know.



Okay. Thanks.



- I feel like such an asshole.

- Why?



Because, ifJoe's parents

hadn't kicked me out

and I didn't need this place...



I wouldn't be helping you move out.



- I'd be making a stand.

- Against what?



Against this insane decision

that you're making, Robert.



This is ridiculous.

You're gonna be miserable.



Have you thought about

all the details, like your sex life?



- Are you gonna even have one?

- Listen.



If I was straight, and I turned gay,

you'd be thrilled.



But the fact that I'm having

a baby with a woman-- Uhh!



That's blowing your mind, David.

That's such a double standard.



Oh, so your biological time clock

is ticking. That's it.



- No, that is not it.

- Yeah.



Actually, you know what?

I'm just bored of it all.



I'm bored ofthe parties,

I'm bored ofthe drugs...



I'm bored ofthe body obsession.



I'm not in a relationship.

I don't see one coming, and it happened.



It's not a sacrifiice, you know.

It's an opportunity.



I do love Abbie.

I trust her.



And here comes a baby that's gonna be

part ofour lives forever.



And what happens

when you do meet Mr Right?



I'll cross that bridge

when I get to it.



You'll burn that bridge

when you get to it.



To stay



- You come to me

- Come to me



- Come back to me

- Ratheryou than me.



Let me see.

Oh, don't show me any more.



Itjust kicked.



- Look at this.

- Yea!



- Thanks a lot, you guys.

- That bottle is huge.



Attention! Attention, attention.



First ofall, I would really

like to welcome all ofyou...



to our home on this very,

very special occasion.



You know, some people--

and I know I have been one ofthem--



have suggested that this was

an unexpected move on both your parts.




I thought it was deranged.



It'sjust that you see all ofthese

young couples sporting around town...



in their suburban

assault vehicles...



a Frappucino in one hand, a rug rat

and a wet diaper in the other.



There but for the grace of God--



- And who needs sleep anyway?

- Exactly.



And you can kiss

your upholstery goodbye.



- Thanks a lot, Annabel.

- The world out there...



does not always support

families that are different...



but as I look

at the two ofyou now--



two ofthe most generous,




And cattiest monsters we know.



And I see all ofthis love

and warmth and joy, and--



I think Abbie has something

she'd like to say.






Give me every drug you've got!



- Here's Sam dressed as Krishna.

- Little gender bender.



He really didn't go

for all thejewellery.



- Look at him.

- Isn't that sweet.

- Look at that.



Look at the two studs.



- Happy New Year.

- This one's gorgeous.






- Hey, Happy New Year.

- Hi, guys. You having fun?



- Hello, ladies.

- Happy New Year.



- Hi. Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year.



- Say Happy--

Did you say Happy New Year?

- Yes, I did.



- All right.

- Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year!



- Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year!

- What's up, Sammy?



Hey, Happy New Year!



- Happy New Year.

- Cheers.



Hands above your head.



Look at your thumbs.

Hands to your chest.



I need champ--

Who needs champagne?



I got, got, got, got you.



Sam, why aren't you

at your own party?



- Dad, am I stupid?

- No. Who told you that?



Jamie Rappaport. He said yoga

was stupid and I was stupid...



and he's taking back

my Christmas present.



That's horrible. You know what I do

when people call me stupid?



I just put up a window.



I get in the car,

I do up the seat belt...



and I roll up the window

and I say, "Window.



I can see you,

but I can't hearyou."



Okay, we're gonna do a little test.



- Call me a stupid jerk. Go on.

- You're a stupid jerk.



Window. I can see you,

but I can't hearyou.



Now I'm gonna call you something.



You are...



the worst Nintendo player

on the planet!




Doesn't bother me a bit.



- I love you so much.

- I can't hearyou.



- Love you, Sam!

- Window.



Who's that really cute guy?



That's Robert's cardiologist.



Oh, my God. Does Robert

have a problem with his heart?



- Stupid.

- Kelly!



- D-Darling!

- Mum.



Oh, don't do that.



- I was getting worried about you.

- Well, l, um-- I-l brought a surprise.






- Hi, Dad.

- Hello.



Is that a, uh, cricket bat in your hand,

or are you just pleased to see me?



- What?

- Only kidding.



- None ofthat, darling. Ifyou knew

what I went through to get him here.

- Hello, Mary.



I've gone grey overnight.



- Podgy!

- Sam.

- Podgy, darling!



- Hey, Grandma.

- Come on.



Hello, darling.



- Listen, you remember that gloomy

old grandpa I told you about...

- Yeah.



- who only came out at night?

- Yeah.



Well, he's here.



Some smelling salts!



Smelling salts!



- He loves to faint.

- Grandma, why aren't you

fainting with me?



Oh, well, well--

Darling, take my G & T.



Come on, Grandpa.

You fake too. Come on.



Get more enthusiasm.

Gestures are better, darling.



Little-- Yeah, that's it.

Go on. Give him a hug and a kiss.



There we are. Go on.

There we are.



Careful of his tummy.




Oh-- Yes, yes, thankyou.






- Comin' over later?

- I'll try.



- Bye-bye. See you next Thursday.

- I hope so.



- So who lives in this room?

- My dad.



- How come? Was he bad?

- No.



Well, then why doesn't he sleep

in the same room as your mom?



Well, he's supposed to...



or he could sleep

in a different house, like my dad.



- Huh?

- He doesn't sleep with his mother...



because Sam's dad is a fag.



- A what?

- Faggot.



You're supposed to say

"same sex partner."



I know what a faggot is.

That's what my dad calls someone

who cuts him off in traffiic.



- I don't wanna go to bed.

- Too bad.



- Window.

- Double window.



Now, then, mister.



- Why don't you sleep in Mommy's room?

- What?



- Don't you love her?

- Ofcourse I love her.



You know why I don't sleep with her?

'Cause she snores.



She snores like a great big

old helicopter taking off.



That's why I sleep in my own room. Any

other questions, Mr Sam, Mr Detective?



Can I have a brother

for my birthday?



You have to ask Mommy.



- Okay.

- Okay?



Good night. Sleep well.



Your son's starting to ask

a lot ofquestions.



He knows too much.

We must get rid of him.



Seriously, Robert.

It's only the beginning

ofa lot more questions like that...



and we have to fiigure out

what we're gonna say.



We will fiigure it out. Can't it wait

till tomorrow? I'm going out.



Is seeing the cardiologist right now

more important than your son?



My son is more important than breakfast,

lunch, tea and dinner.



Doesn't mean I still don't

have to eat sometime. You should

be doing the same thing.



- I eat.

- Men call you.

Go out with one ofthem.



- Keeps your hinges from rusting.

- Contrary to what you might think...



I'm not a queen

trapped in a woman's body.



- Really?

- You think everyone wants to have sex.



I don't want to have sex.

I'm over it.



- I'm perfectly happy right here

in my own backyard.

- Really?



And I'm not gonna feel guilty

'cause you feel guilty...



- 'cause you're going out

and having fun and I'm--

- Not.



You aren'tjust a mother, Abbie.

You're a beautiful woman.



Don't sell yourselfshort.


















Dear God, wherever You are...



could You please hook me up?



-Just sleep, for God's sakes.

- I can't.



Being with you

is like being with a hologram.



You're there,

but you're not there.



I'm sorry.

Just got stuffon my mind.



Sam's starting a new school next week,

and I feel like it's me going.



I'm so nervous.

Can't think ofanything else.



- Isn't that weird?

- No. It's frustrating.



Sometimes I feel like you

don't care about anything else.






I have to go to the hospital.



I like you a lot, Robert.



I like you too,

o doctor ofthe heart.



But it's never gonna work.



'Cause I want more. With you

it's like crashing into a brick wall.



- You just don't give a damn inch.

- 'Cause I don't want to get serious.



I told you. Sam is everything

to me. I haven't got time

for anything else right now.



- I told you this on day one.

- I know. Calm down.



It'sjust we're getting repetitive.



Maybe we should just move on then.



I gotta go. Uh--



Stay. Don't stay.



Love you.



Hate you.




in love with him



'Cause lsawyou dancing

in thegym



You both kickedoffyourshoes



Man, ldig those rhythm andblues



Iknowthatyou're in love with him

'Cause l--



- Not on the part you like, Sammy.

- What's going on in here?



- You barbarian.

- Daddy, get Mommy a cup ofcoffee.



- Please?

- Please, Daddy?



Yes, Mommy dearest.



Give me a kiss, Sam.



- Did you sleep good?

- Yeah.



You're too kind.



- Daddy?

- Hmm?



Are you a faggot?



- What?

- And yesterday he was only fiive.



Sam, where did you learn

a word like that?



- Kyle told it to me.

- Did Kyle tell you what it means?






Well, what is it?



It's when two boys kiss

and they go to the opera.



Oh. Well--



Yes and no.



But, you know, the point here,

Sam, is that the word "faggot"...



is a mean word

that mean people use...



when they don't want to accept

people who are different from them.



Right, and we are not

meanie buckets in this house, are we?



- Nope.

- Right.



- Major Lady to Major Dad.

- It's Ground Control to Major Lady.



Come in, please, Major Lady.

Come in, please.



I'm on your tail.

I'm going to shoot now.



- Major Lady to Major Dad.

- Major Lady, you're being tailed.



"Back and forth across the pasture

with the tractor.



Finally it was so close that Abigail

popped into the burrow...



- and scurried down to her baby's nest."

- Read it the other way.



Oh. I don't like this way.



"Miss Demeanour had a new set...



of long, shiny black fiingernails...



and she was picking an enormous,

giant-sized purple booger...



from her left nostril.



'Mm. That looks like dinner

for a family offiive'...



said Princess Tinyfuse as she got out

her kitchen knife...



and cut it into small slices

and put it into a frying pan."



Hey, little man.



Set it here, take your shoes off,

and help yourselfto some herbal tea.



Does this place have StairMasters

or treadmills?



This is a yoga centre.



- Yoga classes only.

- Oh, so no free weights?



- I'll call you back.

- You should do yoga.



- It reduces your stress.

- Oh, yeah?



- Where'd you get this guy?

- He's my son...



and he was doing yoga

before he was born.



- Yeah, it's easy.

- I don't know, see...



'cause I'm more the "half-hour

free weights, little bit ofsteam"

kind of guy.



I'm not really the yoga type.






Sam, honey, go easy

on the hard sell.



This guy obviously

wants to "feel the burn."



- There's a gym for "mirror athletes"

halfa mile that-a-way.

- All right, now hold on.



Wait a minute.

I've got an open mind.



I mean, I don't know

if I can do the splits, but--



I'm teaching a class in ten minutes.

I promise to go easy on you.



Hands together

in prayer position.



Feet together.



Inhale, look up,

gazing at your fiingertips.



Exhale, palms to the floor.



Inhale, look up.



Exhale.Jump back

to Chaturanga position.



Keep your elbows close to your side,

pointing your toes, shoulders back.




Push back into down dog.



- Sinkyour heels into the floor...

- Psst.



- gazing at your navel.

- How am I doin'?



You're doing good.

Just remember, it's a process.



You don't have to be perfect.



Sinkyour heels into the floor...



gazing at your navel.



Don't forget to breathe.



Ow! Was that good?



That's very good.



You don't have to overdo it

in the fiirst class.



I'm not overdoing it.

It's a piece ofcake.



Inhale, look up.

Jump forward.



Inhale, stand up.

Arms up overyour head.



Whoa. Stood up too fast.






Right hand grabs

the right big toe.



Extend the right leg.

Inhale, look up.




Bring your nose to your knee.






- Straighten your standing leg.

- I'm tryin'.






I'm breathin', kid.

I am breathin'.




Open the leg to the side...



gazing to the left.






Sorry, pal.



It's all levels,

beginners through advanced.






- See you on Monday.

- Okay.

- Bye.



- You okay?

- Well, check with me tomorrow.



Beginners are Mondays,

Wednesdays and Fridays at    :  ...



Tuesdays and Thursdays at     :  

and Sundays at  :  .



- Well, how 'bout tonight at  :  ?

- Excuse me?



Let's have dinner.



Are you asking me out on a date?



Yeah. Is that all right?



Hold on a second.



- How do you know I'm not married?

- Well, are you?



No, but I still

don't know you.



Well, I don't know you either,

but that's sort ofthe point

ofthe date, right?



I mean, you do eat, right?

It'sjust dinner.



Yeah, I eat. I just haven't

been dating much recently.



Okay. So we'll eat, we'll have

some light conversation...



a few awkward silences, wine optional,

but defiinitely no dating.



No dating.



So, how does that sound?



Sounds manageable.



- We're home!

- Hey!

- Dad, we fiinally made it!



Hey! Oh!



- Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Traffiic was insane.

- Well...



it's not quite burned, luckily.



Listen, do you mind if I don't

stay for dinner tonight?



- But it's roast beef night.

- Yuck!



You're supposed to say roast "beast."



Listen, tell Kelly

to get rid ofthat guy.



- Tell her to lose the loser.

- I'm not having dinner with Kelly.



Sam, honey, go upstairs

and wash your hands. And your face.



- I have a date.

- What?



- I have a date.

- No.



- Yes.

- Who with?



Ben Cooper, investment banker,

New York. Whoo!



Whoo! Whoo!



Cor. What's he doing in L.A.?



I don't know. He's working

on some kind ofa takeover.



Takeover? Don't like the sound

ofthat. Is he attractive?



- So our type.

- Which our type?



Big hands. Mmm.



Mmm. Does he, uh,

know about moi?



Well, we didn't really get around

to frivolous details.



Well, that's all very well,

but what's he gonna say when he arrives?



What am I supposed to be,

Andre, the zany butler?



-Just be yourself.

- Well, which me?



English me? Cold, frosty me?

Frivolous me?



How 'bout nice me?



- Well, at your own risk, be it.

- Don't screw this up for me.



Oh, Abbie, get out ofthe kitchen.

I can't concentrate.



- Meanie bucket.

- I'll be up in fiive minutes...



- to discuss wardrobe.

- Yes, Your Majesty.



I see you

in a plunging neckline.



No point in hiding your life

underyour bushel.



Everybody looks thesame



We'rejust tired

oflookingat each other



We'rejust tired

oflookingat each other



Hi, uh,

this Abbie Reynolds's house?



Come in. I'm sorry.



I've always been longing to do that.

Come in. Robert.



Abbie is, uh,

putting on her face.



Well, at least one ofthem.



She tells me

you're into takeovers.



Well, what I'm doing right now

is actually closer to a merger.



- Drink?

- No, thanks.



- Sit.

- All right.



Yeah, I take sick companies

and I make them well.



I'm out here right now, uh--



Well, I'm working with a Fortune    

company that has fallen on hard times...



and I've come to try

to resuscitate the--



I'm sorry.

I'm rambling, huh?



No, no, no, it's really interesting.

It'sjust it's also, uh, really long.



Uh, do you mind if I take a Nelly break

and, uh, put on a record?



- Uh, no.

- Good.



- Frank orJudy?

- Pardon?



- Frank orJudy?

- Uh, Frank, I guess.



Oh, well, I'm afraid Frank's

feeling a little shy tonight,

butJudy's itching to go.



I thinkyou can tell a lot

by a man's musical preference, hmm?



I guess so.



I once met a truck driver, for example,

who loved Carly Simon.



It was downhill from then on.



Clang, clang, clang

went the trolley



Ding, ding, ding went the bell



Zing, zing, zing

went myheartstrings



- From the moment lsawhim lfell

- God, I loveJudy Garland.



- Excuse me, but, uh,

are you gay or...

- Chug, chug, chug went the motor



- are you just acting gay?

- Bump, bump, bump

- Good question.



- Went the train

- Are you interested,

or are you just acting interested?



- Interested in what?

- Well, Abbie, ofcourse.



She's a very delicate flower,

you know.



I'm sorry. Who are you?



I'm Sam's father.



Oh. Oh.



I'm sorry. I guess I came

at a bad time, then.

You're here to pick up your son?



No, I live here.



Hey, Sammy.

Hey, little man.



- How are you?

- "Sammy"?



Hey, Sam.



- Hi.

- Hi.



- I'm ready, fiinally.

- Wow, you-- you look great.



- You look great.

- "Sammy."



I was, uh-- I wasjust talking

with your ex-husband.



- We're not divorced.

- We're not even married.



- Okay, I'm-- I'm lost.

- I'll tell you at dinner.



Bye. Bye, Sam.



- Don't stay up too late.

- Nice to meet you, Robert.



- Nice to meet you. Take care.

- Bye.



Yeah, keep in touch. I'll, uh,

tuck little "Sammy" in for both of us.



Now, Sam,

turn this book upside down...



and let's enter the world

of Princess Tinyfuse.






- No dating.

- Oh, right.



Trust me,

it won't take that long.



Hello.  :   reservation.

The name is Cooper.



Well, it's, um,

going to be quite a wait.



You can have a drink at the bar

ifyou like, and I'll have a table

foryou in, oh, two hours?



- Two hours?

- Oh, Mr Ross.



- So good to see you again.

- Nice to be back.



Okay. We'll have table    

for Mr Ross tonight.






So much for trying to impress you.

I'm gonna have a little fun. Humour me.



Excuse me.



Would it make a difference if I told you

that Harrison Ford is in our party?



I'll be right back.



Harrison Ford?



- Mr Cooper?

- Yes.



Yes, sure.

So nice to see you again.



- And you.

- Would you follow me?






- Enjoy your dinner.

- Thankyou.



Okay, here's a toast to...



discovering muscles in your body

you never knew existed.



- And fiinding new ones.

- Mmm.



So, what does an investment banker

do for fun?



Well, ofcourse,

I'm passionate about yoga...



rock climbing,

uh, racquetball--



- Racquetball?

- Really, I'm just a-- a workaholic.



Do you have any pets?



No pets, but I got a couple

ofdead plants back in New York.



- Favourite colour.

- All shades of pink.



Well, you're perfectly presentable,

I assume successful...



good sense of humour.



- Thankyou.

- So...



- why are you--

- What?



- Why am I unattached?

- Yeah.




What's wrong with you?



Been wondering

the same thing myself.



You see anything obvious?



- You do have a piece

ofspinach in your teeth.

- Do l?



Mm-hmm.Just kidding.



That's good. I don't know. I guess

I never met the right woman.



Or maybe I met her, but I wasn't

the right man at the right time.



Anyway, that's my excuse.

What's yours?



I decided to have a child

instead ofa husband.



- Couldn't you have both?

- Well, theoretically

I could have both...



but if I waited around

long enough for the right man,

might not have had the right child.



So, does Robert help out?

ls he a good father?



He's the greatest.



Hope you don't mind me asking,

but were you two ever together?



Once, a very long time ago,

for about a halfan hour.



- Huh.

- Hmm.



We're best friends.



No, we're closer than that.



Robert's my family.



- Thankyou very much, sir.

- How's everyone doing?

- Good.



- Thankyou very much, sir.

- Enjoying yourself, Mr Cooper?



Dinner was superb. You clearly

live up to your reputation.



But you, it seems, do not.



I hope you enjoyed your littlejoke

on me and this restaurant.



- Whatjoke?

- You said Harrison Ford

was in your party.



No, what I said was,

"Would it make a difference...



if I told you Harrison Ford

was in our party?"



Clearly it did.



- Um, I guess I'd better go.

- Oh, okay.



You know, I'd askyou in,

but, uh...



you know, it's a long story.



- Anyway...

- All right.



- I had fun.

- Me too.



Will I see you again?



I thinkyou're gonna see so much of me

you're gonna get sick of me.



Yeah. Listen.



I know this is

not really a date...



but I'm afraid I'm gonna

have to kiss you anyway.



Oh. All right.



Wow. I can't believe

how good that is.



I just have to tell you

one more thing.



- How was dinner?

- Well, I think I'vejust had...



possibly one ofthe best dates

I've ever had.



- Well, congratulations.

- Ever.



- Double congratulations.

- And you know what?



- What?

- You're such a jerk.



- What are you talking about?

- You were so rude to Ben.



- I was not rude to Ben.

- Yes, you were.



- I was my usual charming self.

- You practically slammed

the door in his face.



- I did not.

- Wait a second. You did

slam the door in his face.



Abbie, that was a joke.

Oh, God. I saw it in a play.



- Brought the house down. Sorry. Ha.

- Ha ha.



Are we a little tipsy?



Ben ordered the most

delicious wine in the universe.



- "Most delicious wine--"

- You'rejealous.



- Oh, right.

- Why didn't I see it before?



- You'rejealous

that I went out on a date.

- How could I possibly bejealous?



I'm the one that encouraged you

to go out more in the fiirst place.



- What's so hilarious?

- Oh, nothing.



It wasjust something Ben said

at dinner. Sorry. You had to be there.



He's very perceptive, you know.



- Perceptive about me, I expect.

- Me, me, me, me, me.



Funnily enough, you were

hardly mentioned all evening...



other than discussing the fact that I

was turkey-basted by my gay best friend.



- You were not turkey-basted.

- Oh. Right.



- Did Sammy get to bed okay?

- Look, what's all

this "Sammy" business?



His name is Sam, all right.

He's not Sammy.



He's not Sammy Davis,Jr.

He's not The Rat Pack. He'sjust Sam.



Hmm. Well, I don't know what's wrong

with you, but I'm going to bed.



He wassingin '

Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie



Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry




were drinkin' whiskyandrye



- Hey, Sammy, you wanna go in the water?

- Yeah!

- Singin'this'llbe the daythat ldie



- This'llbe the daythat ldie

- Hey, Dad, can I go in the water now?



- Sure.

- Can I take him in?



- Okay.

- Helterskelterin a summerswelter



- I'm gonna throw you in! Throw him in!

- The birds flewoff

to the falloutshelter



- No!

- Swim in tons offiishes!

- The daythe music died



- Here we go. Here we go!

- He wassingin '



- Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie

- Oh, my God.



"Oh, my God" is right.



Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry




were drinkin' whiskyandrye




the daythat ldie



This'llbe the daythat ldie



They were singin '



- Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie

- One!



- Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry

- No!



- No, Mommy!

- Two!



- Watch out! You're going in the water!

- Themgoodol'boys

were drinkin' whiskyandrye



- Singin'this'llbe the daythat ldie

- Whoo!



It's freezin'.



- Hey, big wheel.

- Hi, Dad.



How are you? Your shoelace

is undone. I can do it up.



- I can do it.

- What?



- When did you learn how to do that?

- Ben teached me.



Oh. What else did Ben

"teached" you?






- Ben.

- Hmm?



- What's wrong with you?

- Why, is something wrong?



You haven't said a word to me

for ages.



See what I mean?



Abbie, um--



- We need to talk.

- "Talk." I don't like

the sound ofthat.



We're talking now, right?






- Oh, God, Ben, don't do this to me.

- Yeah, this is kinda hard for me too.



Hard foryou?

What about me?



You know what? Don't even tell me, okay?

Because I already know

what you're gonna say.



- How do you know what I'm gonna say?

- Because I do. How many words?



- Five.

- Five.



I knew it.



"It's not you. It's me."



Couldn't you have been

just a little bit more original?



Like, um, "I need

to concentrate on my work"...



or, betteryet, how 'bout, um,

"I'm getting back together again

with my ex-girlfriend."



- No, Abbie, come here, baby.

- I don't even know why

I wasted my time on you.



What, are you nuts? Come here.

Listen. Listen to me.



- Listen.

- Why?



I'm in love with you.



I'm in love with you.



- Hey, little man. You go fiirst.

- Hello.



- Dad.

- Mm-hmm.

- Can I watch cartoons?



- What time is it?

- The little hand is on the eight.



No. No, the seven.



Sam. Will you just--



Just watch cartoons in an hour.

Go back to sleep for a while.



Mm, okay.



Is Ben my daddy now?






- Okay, well, let's get

just one thing straight.

- Please, Robert.



- I can't believe you let this happen.

I mean, what were you thinking?

- Calm down, Robert.



Sam sees a stranger in his bedroom

in the morning.



- You probably traumatized him.

- Ben is hardly a strange man.



- I'm sorry. I thought I was gonna

be gone by the time he woke up.

- Sam adores him.



Sam is confused by him,

and you're not helping matters.



What exactly do you think

is going on between us?



I don't care

what's going on between you.

I just don't want it to go on here.



We're getting married.



- What?

- We've been trying to fiigure out

a way to tell you.



Well, let me give you

one little tiny hint.



Letting Sam discoveryou in bed with him

is not what I'd call a subtle approach.



We didn't exactly plan it

this way, okay? Now you know.

So let's talk about it.



Talk about it? I've only had

fiive seconds to think about it.



You're the ones that have had

the luxury of mulling this over.

What do you think about it?



- I don't know.

- Well, that's a fiine place to start.



Look, Robert, I just want us

all to get along. I'm not here

to usurp your position.



- I thinkyou're a great dad.

- That's mighty big ofyou, Ben.



Stop it, Robert! The last thing

that we want to do is hurt you.



- "We, we, we." What's all

this "we" all ofa sudden?

- Shh!



The fact ofthe matter is,

we need to work this out together.



Well, let me tell you one thing

straight away. Sam has one father.



There's only one daddy in this family,

and that is me! I'm the daddy!



- Absolutely!

- Absolutely!

- You're the mummy...



and Ben--



Ben isjust Ben.



Now, when it comes to any decisions

involving Sam, I get a say

and Abbie gets a say.



IfSam wants ice cream, and I say no,

I don't want to hear

that you two said yes.



I don't want to be outvoted.

This is not a democracy.



Oh, and one more thing.

He's not moving in here.



By the way, congratulations.



Attention, shoppers.

At the meat counter...



Le GrandBalu, yourbig salami.



- Eighty-nine centsan inch.

- Mom?

- Mm-hmm.



Why is Ben making dinner tonight?

We're supposed to have roast beast

on Thursdays.



Because Ben's making something special

for dinner tonight.



It's a cross between a noodle

and a dumpling, only lighter.



- It's German.

- It sounds potentially hazardous...



and utterly delicious.



So, uh, have you requested a transfer

from your New York offiice yet?



- Yeah, I did.

- How'd they take it?



Well, it's a little complicated,




- They offered me a partnership.

- Hey, congratulations.



- Out here?

- Well, no. It'd be back east.



So what did you tell them?



-So what did you tell them, Ben?

-I told them I'd have to think about it.



Well, you two aren't gonna try

that long-distance thing, are you?

That never works.



Look, if I don't accept their offer,

I'll have to leave the fiirm.



I've been with them

for     years, Robert.



Immediate clean-up, aisle three.

Aisle three clean-up

immediately, please.



Daddy will always be your father.



- Ben will be your stepfather.

- Like in Cinderella?



Kind of. Except that Ben

is really nice.



-And we're all gonna live happily ever--

-What are you saying?



Your career's more important

than my career? Let me

just tell you one thing, Ben.



Moving to New York is not an option.

What am I gonna do?

Sell pretzels from a pushcart?



Robert, don't get upset.

Itjust happened.



- We haven't fiigured everything out yet.

- I didn't even say

I was gonna do it.



- Yeah, but you didn't say you weren't.

- Can we please take this outside?



- Christ!

- Sam, come on, please. Help me unload.



- Will you move it along?

- Robert!






I'll tell you one thing.

You're not taking Sam.



- Take me where, Daddy?

- Robert.



The cement capital

ofthe United States, Sam.



- I don't want to go

to the cement capital ofthe Uni--

- Robert!



- You're telling me.

- Robert, that's it.



You wanna talk about this

right now? Huh?



You got some incredible burning need,

fiine, but we are not gonna do it

in front ofSam.



- Come on, Sam.

- See what you did? You just upset, Sam.



- What are you talking about?

- This is all your fault. Everything

wasjust fiine till you came along.



- Everything was not fiine!

- Listen, no one's trying

to take anything away from you.



- Wejust wanna fiigure out

what makes sense.

- Well, me and Sam,

we have our home here.



We have our lives here.

Ifyou're so unhappy--



I've never been happier in my life!

You're the one that's unhappy!



- No, no, no, no.

We made an arrangement.

- Has it ever occurred--



We made an arrangement to put

this kid fiirst, come what may...



- but you just want to throw it

all away on a whim!

- Ben is not a whim!



- Oh, yeah?

- Hasn't it occurred to you

that we could work something out?



- Come on, Sam. Let's go.

- What do you thinkyou're doing?



- Gonna walk home.

- Look, you're not walking.



- It's only six blocks. I just

can't be with you guys right now.

- Robert! Sammy, come back here.






- We're gonna race you home, Mommy.

- Good. Perfect.



- Sammy!

- Come on, come on.

Faster, faster, faster.



I hate childproofcaps.



I told you, Robert.

I told you at the very beginning.



You should have insisted upon getting

married. Then you would have rights.

Look what happened to me.



I have rights now. They're not

going anywhere. Full stop. The end.



You need to talk to an attorney.

Just a consultation.



- A couple hundred bucks.

Know where you stand.

- I know where I stand, David. Trust me.



- I'm not gonna see an attorney.

- I'll bet she is.



Stupid pills. I can't even

tell ifthey're working.



So stop taking them, and ifyou die,

you'll know they work.



Yeah. Better safe

than sorry, you mean.



Mm-hmm. Better safe than sorry.



Go talk to a lawyer.









Those are good arguments, Robert.



You're the biological father,

and obviously you're a caring person.

You've been involved.



We've got a decent chance atjoint

custody, and ifwe can get that...



we'll be able to keep her

from leaving the state with Sam.



Now, the fact that you're gay

isn't gonna help us...



and ifthis goes to court, we better

hope for a sympatheticjudge...



and I could tell you right now

there aren't many ofthem.



Uh, are there any grounds

on which you can demonstrate...



that Ms Reynolds

is a bad mother?



- No.

- Can she, uh, and Mr Cooper...



provide a roofover Sam's head?



- Mm-hmm.

- Does she have a drinking problem?



- No.

- Drug problem?



- No.

- Is she a smoker?



Smoking's grounds for custody?



There's a case in Massachusetts right

now testing the waters. You never know.



No, l, uh, I made her

give up ten years ago. Idiot.



All righty, let's see.

Uh, is she promiscuous?



- No.

- Abusive?



- Uh-uh.

- Mentally unstable?



- No.

- Emotionally unstable?



Well, not until now.



Hey. Why are you awake?



I was thinking about Daddy.




What were you thinkin'?



You know when I get a stomachache,

and you make me tea and toast?






Well, if Dad gets

a stomachache...



who's gonna make him

tea and toast?



When Daddy gets sick

or when I get sick...



we make our own tea and toast,

because we're grown-ups.



- It's not the same.

- No, I know.



It isn't the same.



Daddy's fiine.

He doesn't have a stomachache.



I'm afraid that Daddy doesn't know

that I love him.



Oh, honey,

Daddy knows you love him.



Ifyou like, you can call him

in the morning and you can tell him.



- Would you like that?

- Yeah.



- Can I sleep with you a little while?

- Mm, yeah.






- I love you, Mommy.

- What, baby?



I love you, Mommy.



- But I love Daddy too.

- I know.



Can I come in?



I got the summons.



Well, I assumed

you already had a toaster.



Please don't go

through with this.



- You gave me no choice.

- You scared me.



Why? What do you think

I was gonna do?



Something crazy,

like kidnap Sam before you did?



I had to. The situation wasjust

becoming too unhealthy for him.



Unhealthy for Sam,

or inconvenient foryou and Ben?



You know what Ben means to me.

Why can't you just give me this chance?



Why? Why should l?



Because you love me.



I love Sam.



Look, why can't we

just fiind a solution.



- So you do what you want.Just bring

Sam back, or the courts will.

- No.



- That's not what my lawyer says.

- No, they won't.



She says I have a good chance.

I have legal rights.



- Robert, no.

- Yes!

- Robert.




you're not Sam's father.



- What you talking about?

- I'm saying you're not

his biological father.



My God. You'll say anything

to get your own way, won't you?



You don't know how much

I wish it wasn't true.



You didn't sleep with anybody else.

I would have known.



You didn't open a can oftuna without

giving me a   -minute fiield report.






- You're a fucking liar!

- No!



Remember when Sam

had his tonsils out?



Okay, they did a blood test.

He's B-positive, and we're both O.



You've known about this for three years,

and you didn't tell me?



I couldn't.



I didn't know how to.



But that means,

right from the very beginning...



you always knew

there was a chance--



Oh, my God,

I can't even remember his name.



- I never believed that it was Kevin's.

- Kevin.



And besides, I wanted the father to be

the most wonderful man that I knew.



I didn't wanna hurt you.



You betrayed me!



I was thinking

it didn't matter anyway.






Because you're his father

in every way that really counts.



The blood is irrelevant.



It's not so irrelevant now, is it?



It doesn't change a damn thing.



I'm sorry, Robert.

Believe me, it does.



Ifyou take me to court,

then this is going with me.



For Sam's sake,

please don't take it this far.



So what are you offering me?



Three weeks in the summer?



A photograph to put

on my refrigerator door?



You owe me more than that.



I don't owe you

the rest of my life.



And what about Sam's life?



What about my life?



Okay. So Sam has a biological father

who doesn't know anything about him.



The chances are pretty good

he doesn't wanna know.



Uh, we could argue some sort

of malicious intent...



on her part

to conceal that information...



and, uh, it would

probably hurt her.



On the other hand, I don't see

how it can possibly help you.



The courts always try to link

parental rights to biology...



except in cases where the child's life

is in extreme danger.



I don't know what to tell you,

Robert. You don't have a case.



Oh, but six years. I mean,

it's gotta count for something.



- We can still go to court, right?

- Well, anybody can go to court,

but ifyou want my advice--



I won't give up Sam.



Then take Abbie up

on her offer to compromise.



Maybe we can work something out




before this gets any uglier

or more expensive.



It doesn't matter.



She's got to acknowledge

my rights as a father.



Robert, do you understand

that a case like this can breakyou?



And in the end,

you probably won't have Sam.



I'll just be a minute.



Your mother says your lawyer

told you to drop the case.



Well, you know lawyers.

Always out to save you a buck.



- Can't say that

any ofthis surprises me.

- Oh, don't start on me now, Dad.



I know I should never have stuck my toes

in the gene pool in the fiirst place...



but ifyou've come here to tell me

"I told you so," say it and let's

get on to something else, okay?



You're going to need a little help if

you're going to get my grandson back.



- He's not your grandson.

- Well, he's the closest I'll ever see.



Now, that's not a gift.



Perhaps you can come and fiix up

our garden sometime.



Thanks, Dad.



Get your boy back.

You need to.




They're ready for us.



Don't look over there.

You'll just get upset.



I've gone over

your preliminary statements.



Ms Reynolds,

you and Mr Cooper...



are presently not married,

is that right?



Yes, Your Honour,

but we're engaged.



It's a very short engagement.

Later this summer we--



The child's natural father--

he has no interest here?






Mr Whittaker,

you're requestingjoint custody.



Yes, Your Honour.



What makes you think

you're entitled to that?



- Well, I've been Sam's father since--

- Objection. Your Honour...



since Mr Whittaker has neither legal

nor biological paternity here...



it is completely inappropriate

for him to refer to himself...



as "the father."



Perhaps he could use the term...









Your Honour, my client has been

living with Ms Reynolds...



since the child was born.



He's performed

all the daily functions ofa father.



Sam acknowledges him

as his father.



For the sake ofclarity,

I think it's best that Mr Whittaker

be referred to as caregiver...



in these proceedings.



Thankyou, Your Honour.



Mr Whittaker...



did you live for fiive years

with a certain Eric Walker?






And what was the nature

ofthat relationship?



- Objection, Your Honour.

- Overruled.



We were together.



Is this the same Eric Walker that's now

serving a fiive-year prison sentence

for drug possession?



Yes, but I haven't seen him

for seven years. This has

nothing to do with anything.



Mr Whittaker,

on October  th of last year...



did you go to a nightclub

in Santa Monica called...



Sit and Spin?



I don't remember.



Sit and Spin's

a gay club, isn't it?



- I hadn't noticed. Probably.

- Did you notice drug use going on?



- No.

- Mr Whittaker, is it true...



that you're an active member

in several militant gay organizations?



I used to help distribute food to AIDS

patients. I'd hardly call that militant.



- Does Sam understand that you're gay?

- No, not really.



Have you ever tried to explain to him

your sexual proclivities?



No, he's a six-year-old boy.



Wait. He once asked me

why I didn't sleep with his mother.



- And what did you tell him?

- She snores.



Mr Whittaker, has Sam ever seen you

have oral sex with another man?



- What?

- Stop it!



- Objection, Your Honour!

- I said stop it.



Counsel, I suggest

you confer with your client.



- Do you wanna win here, Abbie?

- You said he didn't have a chance.



- You don't have to kick

the shit out of him.

- Your Honour...



this hearing is not about

my client's sexual history.



No, it's about his character...



and whether he has the type ofcharacter

that would lead anyone to trust him...



with shared custody

ofa young boy.



Your Honour...



you want to know

about my character?



I'll tell you.



I am an active father.



- Caregiver, please.

- Father!



I'm a father to a boy

who I love to death.



I've been living with a woman

who until recently...



was my best friend

in the whole world.



I'm also a homosexual man.



That's who I am.



- What does that make me?

- I don't know.



- A hypocrite?

- Your Honour, objection!



- I withdraw the comment.

- It's getting late.



We'll take a recess

until Monday morning.



Ms Reynolds,

you will allow Mr Whittaker...



a visitation with Sam

this Sunday.



Stayedtrue to the things

lknew when I wasyounger



Foodandlove, that'sall

that's left ofhunger



another three singles.



I mean, we'rejust gonna have to dump

the album. How much money

have we invested in these guys so far?



Yeah, we're not gonna spend

another dime. Oh, please.



Like I care.



Excuse me.



I'll call you back.



You probably don't remember me.

At least, uh, I hope you don't.



Oh, l-- I rememberyou.



I need to talk to you

about something important.



Don't worry.

I'm not gonna make a scene.



After Abbie and you split up...



did you ever see each other again?



- Maybe one more time?

- I don't know.

What business is it ofyours?



His name's Sam.



- What?

-Just turned six.



- Oh, no way, man!

- Come on. Look. He's got your chin.



I'm an idiot.

I didn't see it before.



Look, ifshe sent you here

looking for money, this isn't

exactly the right time.



No, no. As a matter offact,

she's counting on you having

absolutely no interest at all.



- So what's this got to do with me?

- I need your help.



Hey, Sam!



Slow down!






Come on. Come on. Turn right!

Turn right! Turn right!



- Wow!

- Okay, let's go.



You can't get me!




- I can get you back.

- Ha! I got you!



Hey, Kevin.

Glad you could come.



Sam, this is an old friend

of mine, Kevin. Say hi.



- Hi.

- No, say hi properly.



It's very nice to meet you.



Sam. That's a good name.



It's full ofJapanese people.



- Is it true, or are you joking?

- What?



Is that true about the tidal wave?

Will it happen?



- Whoa!

- He calls you Daddy.



I've been his father

since the day he was born.



So what's this

got to do with me?



Mm, I need your help.



- I need you to sue forjoint custody.

- What?



Abbie's getting married.

Her fiiancÚ lives in New York.

She wants to take Sam there.



I can't stop them because

I'm not legally the father.



- I don't think I can

get involved in this.

- No, no, no, no, listen.



I'll pay all the court costs.



I'll pay foryour time,

whatever it takes.



They'll give you joint custody,

and once they do,

we'll make our own arrangement.



I'll take full responsibility for him.

You never have to see him again

ifyou don't want to.



- I can't agree to something like this.

- Hey, Dad!

- Hey!



Please help me.






This-- This is crazy.

I can't help you. I'm sorry.



Before I announce my ruling...



does anyone

have anything else to add?



I do, Your Honour.



Seems like I've spent my whole life

thinking about blood.



Worrying about blood.



And blood--



Well, it'sjust like shit.

We're all full of it.



It's good, it gets bad...



but it's not who we are.



Being a parent--

a real parent--



takes more than DNA.



No one can hand it to you,

and no one can-- can take it away.



I have earned my right

to be Sam's father.



So, no matter what you decide...



Sam is my son...



forever and always.



Mr Whittaker...



I know how deeply attached

you are to this child...



and that you've been

an exemplary parent.



And I personally believe that love

and devotion should not go unrewarded...



but myjob is to adjudicate

the laws ofthe state of California...



and at this time

I have no choice...



but to grant sole custody

to Sam's mother...



Abbie Reynolds.



Are you all right, darling?



Excuse me, Your Honour.

May I approach the bench?



- What's this about?

- Well, my client feels

he has a stake in this case.



- Your client?

- Kevin Lassiter, Your Honour.



- I'm Sam's natural father, Your Honour.

- You're a little late.



I didn't fiind out till last week.

Abbie never told me.



- Is that true, Ms Reynolds?

- Yes.



Your Honour, we'd like to present

evidence proving that Mr Lassiter

has a good steadyjob...



and a sizable extended family

in the area.



Are you asking for shared custody,

Mr Lassiter?



I just want to be able to spend

enough time with him to fiind out.



- I'm asking to know him.

- Counsellors, approach the bench.



- Why didn't you tell me?

- Look, I meant what I said.



I gotta fiigure this out for myself.

I gotta get to know my son.



- Oh, sure, we can--

- No.



This is between me and Sam.

This has nothing to do with you.



Look, I'm just being honest.



In light

ofthis recent development...



I will not renderjudgment

in this matter...



until a custodial examination

is completed.



We will reconvene

four months from today...



on November    th,

and Ms Reynolds...



will have temporary custody

ofthe child...



but will not be allowed

to leave the state of California...



pending further order

ofthis court.



Sorry, Robert.

I know how diffiicult this is.



- You son ofa bitch!

- Come on. Don't.



- I did what I had to do.

- You had to bring that guy

back into my life...



back into Sam's life forever.



- You gave me no choice, Abbie.

- You had a choice.

You had a choice.



- For as long as you live, you will

never be able to take this back.

- Abbie, let's go. Come on.



Robert, I'm so sorry.



- Hey, Robert.

- Hi, Ben.



How ya doin'?



Don't worry.

I never let him see me.



Look, um, I'm-- I'm sorry

about the way this all--



You know.



- Didn't leave.

- Nah.



I didn't-- I didn't take

the partnership, and I left the fiirm.



You do what you have to, you know?



- How's Kevin?

- We saw him once...



but that was months ago.



- Where's Sam?

- He's inside with Abbie.



- Teacher conference.

- What did he do?



He's got a reading problem.



Won't keep his book right side up.

Thinks his version is better.



- Dad!

- Sam!



- Hi.

- Sam, come back here right now.



- Dad!

- Sam, over here right now!



- But, Mom--

- Get in the car.



D-Dad! Dad!



- Dad!

- Look, uh--



It's too soon.



Maybe someday, huh?






We really messed up, didn't we?



How's Sam?



He's fiine.

He misses you.



I miss you.



I miss us.



Go have dinner with your father.



- Dad!

- Sam!



- How are you? How are you?

- Great, but no more daddies, okay?






Just have him back

after dinner, okay?



What do you want to have

for dinner, son? Hmm? Huh?



It's Thursday.

We have roast beast on Thursdays.



You're so right. We do.



- I love you, Sam.

- I love you, Daddy.



A long, long time ago



Ican stillremember



Howthat music

usedto make mesmile








thosepeople dance



Andmaybe they'dbe happy



Fora while



Didyou write

the book oflove



Anddoyou have faith

in Godabove



Ifthe Bible tellsyouso



Nowdoyou believe

in rockandroll



Andcan music




Andcanyou teach me

howto dance






Well, lknowthatyou're

in love with him



'Cause lsawyou dancing

in thegym



You both




Man, ldig

those rhythm andblues



I wasa lonelyteenage




With apink carnation

andapickup truck



But lknewthat I was

out ofluck



The day



The music died



Istartedsingin '

Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie



Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry



Andgoodol'boys were

drinkin' whiskyandrye



Singin'this'llbe the day

that ldie



This'llbe the day

that ldie



Imet agirl

who sang the blues




forsome happynews







Well, I went down

to thesacredstore



Where I'dheardthe music




But the man there

saidthe music



Wouldn 'tplay



Well, now, in thestreets

the children screamed



The lovers cried

andthepoets dreamed



But not a word wasspoken



The church bells

all were broken



Andthe three men

ladmire the most



The Father, Son

andthe Holy Ghost



Theycaught the last train

forthe coast



The day



The music died



Westartedsingin '

Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie



Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry



Andgoodol'boys were

drinkin' whiskyandrye



Singin'this'llbe the day

that ldie



This'llbe the day

that ldie



Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie



Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry



Andgoodol'boys were

drinkin' whiskyandrye



Singin'this'llbe the day

that ldie



This'llbe the day

that ldie



Westartedsingin '

Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie



Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry



Andgoodol'boys were

drinkin' whiskyandrye



Singin'this'llbe the day

that ldie



This'llbe the day

that ldie



Westartedsingin '



Westartedsingin '



Westartedsingin '



Westartedsingin '




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