Nine Months Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Nine Months script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Nine Months. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Nine Months Script



All right.



Toast time.



All right.



Um, this is,

amazingly enough, to us.



Five incredible,

incredible years.






Come here.



Brendan, we're leaving

in five minutes, sweetie.









Do you want more?



No, thanks.

No. I've had lots.



No. Not lunch.



I mean

more for us.



By which you mean

the big '' M''--



Marriage, huh?






Um, I'm over   



and I feel like

something's missing.



O.K. Well,

you know, what?



What could possibly

be missing?



Let's look at that,

because, you know,



we live in

a fantastic apartment.



My practice

is really good.



We get on better

than most married couples.






Life is dangerously close

to perfection actually,



so, uh, why would you

want to change things?



Why change

what's perfect?












Uh, new toast.

To stability.






Oh, God!



Shit, honey.

I hit a guy. Come on!



Are you all right?



Excuse me, ma'am.

I know CPR.









You're conscious! I thought

you were French kissing.



I was trying to scream.



Don't get up.



He's all right.



It's under control,

madam. Thank you.



Does your head hurt?






Are you nauseated?






Open your eyes!

Wide! Wide!






Your pupils

aren't dilated.



You're O.K.

I brought you back!



He's O.K. Let him up.



All right.

Whoa. Sorry, buddy.



No. Careful.



No lawsuit.



Good. No lawsuit.



Yeah. Marty Dwyer.




Samuel Faulkner.



How you doing?

Good to meet you.



A big wind

came along and bam!



Cracked you

on the noggin,



but I guess

you know that.



Kids, stop that!

Your manners.



There's plenty.

Help yourselves.



This sucks.

It tastes like poo!



Oh, bloody hell.



What did I say about spitting

in people's food?



Oh, please.

Here, eat this.



Eat that, honey.



You know, I know you.



I don't think so.



You're Sean's friend,

the kiddie, you know,






Yes. I'm a psychotherapist.



Like some help

with your children?



I met you last year

at Sean's loft.



I'm his sister Gail.



Oh, hi.

I'm Rebecca.



Nice to see you again.



Look, I'm sorry.

That's beluga.



It's $   an ounce.

It's not dog food.



I'll write you a check.



No, it's fine.

It's just...







say thank you to the man



for the nice cheese



and give him

a big hug!



Thank you!






Kids, break it up.

We got stuff to do.



Have a little bit.

Just a bit.



No. Come on.



Come on, Sprinkler.

Let's go.



Hope we didn't ruin

your picnic.



No. Why would you

think that?



Take it easy.

See you around.






You see--breeders,



perfect example

of the product of change.



The swelling's

gone down.



It's still quite painful, actually.



You know,

all I'm saying



is there should be

two areas on the beach,



one for adults

and one for children.



Then everyone's happy.



Is that any better?






That's much better.




too tense.



You need to

loosen up.



Come on.



There is no past,

there's only future



There's only here,

there's only now



Oh, your smiling face,

your gracious presence



I love you.



I adore you.



These are the days

by the sparkling river



His timely grace

and our treasured faith



This is a love,

the one magician



Turned the water

into wine



Oh, yeah.



My dad's an asshole.












Um, is that




you can maybe

elaborate on



a little bit

for me, Truman?









My dad's

a giant asshole!






  ,  .



  ,  .



O.K. When you

bring your arms up,



round like this,

O.K., Eleanor?



Round. Round.



There you go.

Yeah. O.K.



Like this,

Miss Rebecca?



Look. Look at that.



I don't know

about Truman.



I'll get him

to open up,



but he's got very

severe problems,



and we know who

to thank, don't we?






You know,

his parents.






The state

requires you



to take a written test

to drive a car,



but any moron

can become a parent



and just destroy

a child's life.



It's like people

have babies on a whim.



Surely, to be a parent

you have to plan ahead.






Say, do I want to

become a parent?






Am I ready?



I'm pregnant.









Watch out!



Watch out!






Watch out!



Well, I guess you

don't want the baby.



Sir, your car will be

ready in a minute.



You're lucky



the engine's

in the back.



Yeah. Right.






Ready in a minute.






So, um...



we are absolutely certain

about this, right?



Well, my period's

    days late.






And there's no way

you could have had it



and just not noticed?



Sorry. Ridiculous.

That was stupid. Stupid.



Could you be a little

more positive about this,



more supportive?



I'm trying to

be positive.



Killing us in a head-on

collision is not positive.



It must have been shock.



Out of the blue,

you say you're pregnant.



It was just

a little bit unexpected



was probably the reason

for the crash.



I thought you were

using birth control.



I was.



Your car's ready now,










you don't believe me!






You think I got pregnant

behind your back.



No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.



Do you think

I planned this?



I'm as flipped out

as you are.



I suppose

I just thought



that birth control



had a little teeny element

of control about it.



Thought it was supposed

to be foolproof.



Nothing is foolproof.

It's only   % effective.



It says so on the box.



Yeah. Right.

  % effective.



So  % completely

bloody ineffective.



They should put that

on the box.



Here you are.






We're off.



Hey. Hey.






Who's the blonde?



No idea.



Oh, my God.





how are you?







this is Bobbie.






This is Rebecca

and Sam.






I was getting worried

about you guys.



What happened

to this car?



Oh, long story.



What happened to Christine?



A long story.



So this is where

you two are going to stay.



Yeah, lovely.



So, what do you

think of her?




you mean the blonde?



She's attractive.

Very attractive.



She's    years old.



Her skin

is like ribbon candy.




like sponge cake.



Her calves

are like calzone.



I mean,

highly edible.



Highly edible.



She's crazy

about sex.



This is somebody



to get me over

the rough spots.



Mmm. What do you mean?

What rough spots?



Oh, Christine

left me.



Oh, shit.






Oh, uh...

a week ago.



What happened?






she wanted

a child.



I'm sorry.



Are you O.K.?



Yep. Yep.

What an idiot.



Leave that.



Got it.



She said she wanted--



She, uh...

Christine wanted a baby.



She was hungry

for seed,



so I closed

the iron door,



denied her

my essence.



You know,

I'm not ready



to be biologically




She would have

devoured me



from the head down,



chewed up

my manhood,



swallowed my youth,

and gobbled me up



like some

praying mantis.



Not for me.



What do you mean,

praying mantis?



The female mantis,



after she has sex

with her mate,



she eats him.



Oh, yeah.



But Christine

wasn't pregnant



or anything

like that?



No. What do you mean?

Like on the sly?



On the sly,



or, you know,

in the run of things.



On the s-- No.



I mean, Christine

has her faults,



but I don't know

who would do that.



That's a knife

in the back.






You know, that's--

No, of course not.




some voodoo woman



who puts pins

in her diaphragm.



Ha ha.



Spooky, Sam.



That's a she-snake.



That's like

the most hateful,



cruel, sneaky,



horrible thing

you can do.



Who would do that?



No! No!









They eat the father!

They eat the father!



They eat him!



Honey. Honey, what?

Honey, what?



Who eats fathers?



No one.

Sorry. Sorry.



Just a bad,

bad dream.



Silly, silly dream.




You worry too much.



Just relax.



Lie down, O.K.

Lie down.



It's O.K., baby.



Whatever happens,

we can work it out.



I know.



I love you.



I've loved you



since the first moment

I saw you.



You're the only one



I want to be the father

of my children,




it's now or later.









I love it

when you do that.



Do what?



Ha ha ha!



That thing you're doing

with my knee.



That is so good.



Oh, Samuel.



Stop it.

I love it.



Go on.



But, Samuel?



What? Yeah?



I'm not doing anything

with your knee.






Aah! What is it?






- Aah!

- Aah!



What's the matter?

Come here, kiddo.



Where you been?

Come here, you.



I'm sorry, folks.

Come on. Get away from him.



I'm sorry, folks.



She's going through

a hiding phase.



It's for attention.



Hey, honey,

you'll get it dirty,



and God knows

what's on there.



Hey, honey,

it's the beach people.



Oh, hi.



This is great. Don't worry.

We didn't bring a kite.



How about another one

of them kisses?



What's going on?



We found her.



We've been looking

for her for an hour.



Honey, tell the neighbors

to call off the search.



You, call the sheriff

before the choppers go up.



We're sorry.

Looks like a full house.



Party time, then!



I'm sorry.

Get back in there.



Listen, um, sorry,

and I'm going to take off.



You'll be here all weekend,




Sounds great.

Good to see you.



You didn't tell me

they were coming.



They didn't

tell me either.



They always

show up uninvited.



I hope they don't

spoil your weekend.



Oh, no.



We'll be fine.

The kids seem adorable.




they're monsters.



They're monsters.



See, this is why

I don't want kids.



It's nonsense.



No, what I'm saying is



I think it's such baloney

and such a cliche



that the artist

has to be messed up



and have a life

of deprivation,



be an alcoholic

or deprived in some way.



It's how you use, obviously,

with imagination and passion



whatever it is...



I love you.



Well, that's nice.



I think

you're great.



Marry me,

Captain Renaldo.




Captain Renaldo?



Marry me.

Make me your wife.



We'll honeymoon

in Paris.



Well, I'm not sure.



It's King Stanislaus'

daughter, isn't it?



You're madly

in love with her!






Don't deny it!

I saw you two kissing!






She hit me.




no hitting.



O.K. You run along.



Go play.

We'll talk later.



You weasel!



Oh, God.

I am so sorry about that.



She's been reading

Harlequin Romance novels,



and she's just

obsessed with it.



It's kind of cute.



Isn't it cute?




Not many teeth left,

but cute.



What a puss.



All right, everybody.

I've got an announcement.



Gail and I

are going to have a new baby.



Oh, shit. Not another one.



So I'd like to

make a toast.



To my wife, the most beautiful

pregnant woman in the world.



Love you.



Hear, hear!



You could be

the toughest guy,



but when your child

looks into your eyes



and that child knows

you're their dad...




it smiles.



It's like...

I cannot explain it.



It's like magic.



Is it magic when they do

that little dribble of vomit



down your shoulder?



I'm sorry

if we're boring you, pal.



Just a joke.




Just forget it.



The guy is rude.




What did you say?



You are rude.




You think I'm rude?



Yes, I do.



I'm sorry--

It's all right, honey.



Let's just deal

with this accusation.



Like an idiot,

I was under the impression



you were monopolizing

the conversation.



I'm sorry

if I'm a little excited



about my wife and I

having another baby.



Is being excited a reason



to exclude eight people

from conversation?



I didn't realize



this was a frickin'

group therapy session!



How much do I owe?



You didn't realize

you were a crashing bore.



I'll walk over there

and kick your bony little ass!



I'll have

my  -year-old daughter do it!



Let's drop it.



Marty, he does

have a point,



but just drop it.



Sean, he's a dick,



and you're an even bigger dick



for taking his side

over family.



You and Gail used to

be interested



in politics,

music, art.



Now it's nothing but

kids, kids, kids.



My kids are

very meaningful to me.



When my first was born,



it was my most

exciting moment.



I felt like I really

made a contribution



to this world.







The world

is overpopulated.



Our society has too many

starving children.



I would say our society



has too many

starving artists.



It hasn't been




That's true,



but that

doesn't mean



what I do

isn't respectable.



Van Gogh,

while he was living,



didn't sell

one painting.



Now his stuff goes

for $   million.



How long will you

have to be dead



before you can pay

that phone bill?



Do you come here

to ruin my weekends



and embarrass me

at my home?



Your home?

This isn't your home.



It was our parents' home!



You aren't making

any contributions.



You've got no wife,

no kids.



You insult your

only family.



You keep this up,

you'll die alone,



like a dog,

like a bum,



like Van Gogh.



Hey, Doc,

you all right?



Are you O.K.?



Yeah. What?



You don't look good.



You look like

you're going to puke.



No, I'm fine.

Thank you, Truman.



I was just listening

to what you were saying.




That was a key sentence.



Would you mind

repeating it



just so

I can get it down?



You're an asshole.






And Dad's a bastard!









I can't be a father.



I can't.

I ca...I...I...



Why would I want to

have a child?



Just so he can call me a bastard

in     years' time?



We'd have to move out.



We don't have space

for a child.



Rebecca and me,

we're wonderful together.



It's just insane

to spoil it.



Just the two of us--

That's how it should be.



This baby is not

a good idea.



That's what I'll tell her.







Be right there.



Just stay back. Bye-bye.



I'll tell her now.









Listen, Beck--




I've been thinking--



No. Wait.



Wait. This pregnancy

was an accident.



It took us

completely by surprise.






We've been doing

really great together,



and a baby

would change everything.



I suppose it could.



Our apartment's

not ready for a baby.






We'd have to







I'd have to

quit my job.



Nobody wants

a pregnant dance teacher.



We're not ready

for a child.



There's not one good reason

to keep this baby.



But I still want to.






Maybe it's crazy,



but I feel it

living inside me.






and I really

want this baby.






What about you?



What do...



Oh, you mean




what do I think?



I'm just saying

how I feel.



So, um,

what do you feel?



Right. How do I

feel on that one?



Well, um...



I feel, um...



I, uh...



I feel exactly

the same as you.









We won't let it

change us.






Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh.



I have to go

to the bathroom again.



It's one of the joys

of pregnancy.



O.K. Oh, gosh.



We're going to

have a baby.



Aw, I'm such a...

I'm such a coward!



Sorry. Forget it.

Nothing to do with you.



Oh, baby,

you were incredible.



Not bad, eh?



That was the single

most satisfying



sexual experience

of my life.



Well, I, uh...

aim to please.



I know.



Now it's time

for dinner.












Time to get up.



Today's our first

doctor's appointment.






I told you about it

two weeks ago...



and then last week,

three days ago,



and twice, I think,




Sorry, honey.

I completely forgot.









I swear I won't

forget next time.









I'm Rebecca Taylor

to see Dr. Green.



Oh, Dr. Green's

been out with pneumonia.



You can see Dr. Kosevich

or reschedule.



Yes. I think we'll

just reschedule.



We can see

Dr. Kosevich.



Are you sure?




Is there a problem?



Oh, no. No.



It's just Dr. Kosevich

is new...from Russia.



He's a little nervous,

oh, but very sweet.




we're already here.



We may as well

see Dr. Kosevich.









Please, sit down.

One moment.



A little family business.



If it's not

one thing,



it's your mother.



Please, please,

sit down.



I'm very sorry.



Oh, hello.



So we hear

you're from Russia.



You have a problem

with it?



I am not a Communist.



I was only briefly

member of party.



It was only for medical reasons.

I was a scientist.



In Russia, I was chief

of obstruction.













I think you mean.



That's it.




One moment.



Not obstruction,

is obstetrics.



Yes, I was the head

of obstetrics research



at Pasklovansky Hospital

in St. Petersburg.



What brings you

here, then?



I didn't work with people

in Russia.



More the technical side.



No. Animals.






Only rats and monkeys.






Change of scenery.



You've seen one rat ass,

you've seen them all.



I also want a patient

who won't bite me.



Last month,

I received my new license,



and now

I deliver human babies.



O.K., now,

I have a computer program here



that I have written myself



that will calculate

your due date very accurately.






Fine. When was the first day

of your last menopause?



- Menopause?

- Menstruation.









End of sentence.



March     th.



March     th.



March     th.






Here it comes.



The baby will be due

December  th.






Congratulations. The baby

was conceived March     th.



Oh, that's clever.



Most people know that,



but some people

are too drunk to remember.



Oh, my God.



What is wrong?



I'm not the father.






Oh, my God.



On March     th,

I was away



at a child psychiatry conference

in Boston, remember?



What are you




I'll leave you two alone.



That's fine.

I'm going.



No! Wait!

Come back! Sit down!



Samuel, sit down!



Check your computer




It is--the computer

is very accurate.



Check the goddamn




Check it!



Don't yell at me!

Please don't do this.



I spent a year

in Afghanistan.



I have sometimes

very low tolerance for pressure.



Come on!



O.K. What is wrong

with the thing?



Oh, fuck me!

It's not working.



Hold on. O.K.

What is wrong?



Oh, O.K. O.K.

Excuse me.



This is the problem.



It is feces

flying into the fan.



There are function keys

for humans and simians,



and you're not a simian.



No, I'm not.



I had you as a baboon.



Sorry. I didn't...



There you go.

Were you here March   rd?






With her?



- Yes.

- Yes.



O.K., um,

everything is fine now.



We're all back on-line,

and your baby...



your baby will be born

on December    th.



O.K. Now it is time

for the physical examination.



Let's take a look

at your Volvo, O.K.?



Come with me into here.

I'll warm my hands for you.



Please come in.



All right, madam.



If you would get undressed,

we'll begin, O.K.?



And you may stay,

sir, if you like.



That's fine.

I'll wait--



Don't you dare.



I'd like to




Very good.

Let me get ready for you.






We've worked out

all the insects.









That lunatic

is not delivering me.



That's fine.

He's just a replacement.



Dr. Green will be there.



Let me help you, honey.

Just be gentle!



Honey, listen,

I was thinking,



about the baby--



Let's just keep it

to ourselves, huh?



Um, um,

yeah, all right.



Talking about it



before the third month

is bad luck.



Marty, look who's here!



Hey, look who's here!



Hey, guys,

what the hell?



Good to see you!

How you doing?







are you due?



Oh, I'm not




You're not pregnant?

Yeah, right.






What are you




on the maternity




Are we on

the maternity floor?



Good grief.

We're completely lost.



Poor old Beck.



She had

some bad Chinese.



We're here to see

the gastrointestinal specialist.



What's his name?



His name?






I can probably

tell you



what floor he's on.



She volunteers here. I've sold

cars to almost every doctor.



Beck, what's his name?



It's Dr. something,

isn't it?



It's Doctor...






Excuse me.



Oh, gosh.




I didn't realize

I'd left it.



Thank you

very much.



You have

a small pussy.






I found the little hairs

on the bag.






You know, the...meow...



Oh, cat!



Yes, we have a cat.



Well, you must

get rid of it.






Cats spread the disease.



Oh, yeah. Where

the small worms...




Small worms.



In the poop.







Thank you.



Thank you both

very much,



but Skippy

is old and clean



and won't cause

any problem.



O.K. Well,

it is your choice--



the cat or the baby.



Sorry to bring you

that news.






Oh, congratulations,




I'm so excited!




you guys.






Wow. That's great.

Oh, your first.






Sorry about--



That's all right.



I've been

lied to before.



You're good at it.



We could use you

at the car lot.



It's so exciting!



We're happy for you.



How are you feeling?



I'm O.K.

A little tired.




gets tired,



but the whole

thing is just



a life-changing




I'll give

you my number.



We can go

baby shopping.



You've got to

get that book,



What To Expect

When You're Expecting.



And we've got videos of

all her births.



You've got to

film your first.



That's the best.

It's the bloodiest--



blood everywhere,

things shooting out,



people screaming, stuff getting

torn and sewed together.



It's like a good

World War II movie.



Will you keep

the car?



Yeah. It's fine now.



Cost a bit of money.



But it only seats

two people.



It always did.



But you're going to

have a baby.



You could never fit

a car seat in there.



Listen, stop down

by the lot.



I'll make you

a good deal.



All right?






Honey, we got to go.

Bad Chinese...






Come on, baby.

Let's roll.



See you guys.






I hate him.

I loathe him.



He tried to

sell me a new car.



Can you believe that?

Tacky or what?




but he's right.



We're going to need

something bigger.



But you know how much

I love my car.



I've worked

hard for it.



What do you




Tie the baby

to the hood like a deer?



Well, no, but maybe

you could get a car.



On my salary?

Come on.



Well, put it this way.



I'm not getting rid

of the car.



What about the cat?






What, you believe

Dr. Zhivago in there?



The monkey doctor?



He's right.

I've read about it.



Cats can be dangerous

for a baby.



They can suffocate

the baby, claw the baby.



Skippy is    .

He can barely move.



He's half-blind.



He's too weak

to suffocate anyone.



What about hygiene

in the kitchen?



You get cat hair

and cat saliva.



You said that this baby

wouldn't change our lives.



Now I have to sell my car

and get rid of my cat.



This is the second month,



and our lives

are practically unrecognizable!



I really appreciate

your asking us along.



I'm hoping this

will get Samuel excited



about having a baby.



Oh, yeah. Sure.



Yeah, 'cause, um,



if things

don't change,



I'm thinking

about leaving him.



Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Sure you are.



I thought about leaving

Marty all the time,



but this

is his first time.



You've got to

give him a chance.



He's completely




This whole baby thing

really scares him.



He's probably having

trouble facing it.



If you have a baby,



that means

he's got to grow up.



The baby's the fun part.

That's fun.



You know.

Look at all this stuff.



Ah, yeah! Whoo!



He's going to

love this.



You know you're

having a boy, right?






Gail took one of those

amnio tests, I suppose.






How do you know?



I can tell

it's a boy



by the way she's

carrying it all in front.



They don't often

carry them at the back.



If it's a boy,



they carry them low

like this.



If it's a girl,

it's up like this.



Plus, there are

special ways



to ensure that it

will be a boy.



What do you mean,

special ways?




when we made love...






we used

special positions.



Oh, please.



That's an old wives' tale,

that stuff.



You'll see.



Sometimes I'm not sure

I want this baby.



Oh, Missy,

of course you do.



It's just

such a privilege.



There's hundreds

of women



who spend thousands

of dollars every day



trying to

get pregnant.



It's like our profound

biological right.



It's something men

can never experience.



It has to be

at the right time for you,



but really,

it's a miracle.



And then

when the baby comes,



there's moments

of sheer happiness.



Even if you're alone?



I know it's fashionable,

PC, all that,



to be a strong,

independent single mother,



and, uh,

I'm prepared for that.



I can do that,



but, um, I would

love this baby



to have a mother

and a father.



I would love to

have a family,



and I would love to

marry Samuel.






all he has to do is ask.



Oh, Missy.




Huh huh huh.



O.K. Tell your mommy

if she loves you,



she'll buy you

the whole Arnie collection!



Thank you,




Who loves you,




- Arnie.

- Arnie.



Hey, fellas.



How about taking home



a new Arnie doll

for the kiddies?



No, thank you,





you'd look great



in my ''Arnie Loves You''




They come in

extra-extra-extra large.



No, thank you.



How about a new

''Arnie Loves You'' video?



Love is for

you and me



No, thanks. O.K.?



We are one

big family



I'm not going to

buy your damn video!



But the kids

will love it.



My kids think

your show sucks.






But thanks,




Hey, no hard feelings,




All right. Sorry.



That's O.K.

Huh huh huh.



So long.



Eh, you cheap shit.



What did you say?






Oh, gee. I didn't say

nothing, mister.



He didn't say

anything, Marty.




Arnie loves you.



You penis-head.



I heard that!



Heard what?



I heard what you said!



He's pathetic.

Come on.



There's children around here,

for God's sake!



So long...



you fat-ass pussy!



That's it!












No. No. Arnie.



Come on,

you wiener.



Come on,

you bitch.



Here's one

for the queen.






I'll get him, Sammy.



Hey, cut it out.



Oh, you hit

like a girl,



you flatulent




I'll take both

you wieners on.



You and that

pussy boyfriend!



Right, you bastard!



Who's the fat pussy

now, buddy?



Tell your sister

to let go of my tail,



you weak-wristed

Nancy boy!



Get off me,

you fat bastard!



I'll shove an ''Arnie Loves You''

lunch box up your ass!









Oh, you--

Hi, honey.



He is

such a jerk!



We're in trouble.



Run to Mommy.



I'll wipe the floor

with you.






Wow! That's, uh...



that's quite a breakfast

you've got there.






Wow, you, uh...



certainly got

your appetite back.



Mmm! Boy...



I don't know

if you noticed--



The first three months

were tough on me.



But now, you know,



my breasts

don't hurt,



no more nausea

or insomnia,



and I feel great!



Oh! Good news.



So, I was thinking,

you know,



I know it's been

two months



since we made love,



but maybe we could

fool around tonight.






Leave the breakfast.



But I haven't

finished the food!




I'll be right back.



Huh? What?



I'll be right back.



Wait here for me.



Right. Right.



Ready when

you are.









I been really tryin' baby



Tryin' to hold back



This feeling for so long



Oh, my God.



And if you feel



Like I feel, baby



Then come on



Oh, wow.



Oh, come on






Let's get it on



Ah, babe



Let's get it on



Let's love, baby



Let's get it on






Let's get it on



Ooh hoo hoo



Ha ha ha!



What is it?



It moved.



Huh? What moved?



The baby. It moved!






Oh, right.




Put your hand here.



It's like bubbles.



I-I-I don't

feel anything.



No,just wait.



Oh. It stopped.



What a shame.






It's an incredible










I guess I got plenty

more time to feel it.



Yeah. Yeah.






Honey, do you think

we're hurting the baby?



No. No.




if I can feel it,



then it can feel me.



No, I don't--

I don't think so.






Yes, yes, yes,

it can.



What if the baby

can see?



Um...see what,

my love?



Your penis

coming toward it.



That could scare

the hell out of a baby.



Rebecca, I-I--



What if your penis

caused brain damage?



Are you serious?



I don't know, I just...



don't think

we should make love



until we talk

to the doctor.






We don't know what

could happen, hon.









Fine, fine, fine.



But you know what?



I bet

if we wait awhile,



we can feel

the baby move again.



Yeah. Yeah.






That will be

just as much fun.






That's my game.



Fuck! Shit! Shit!






Hey, hey, Sam.









O.K., that's it.



No more tennis

for today.



That's it.



What happened to your

British etiquette?



This John McEnroe thing

is scaring me.



Um, Sam,

what's the matter?



What's the matter?



I'm in the middle

of a nervous breakdown.



You're going

to have a thrombo.



What's the matter?







Rebecca is

pregnant. There.






I am completely

sexually frustrated.



I do not

sleep at night.



I have these

appalling nightmares.



About what?



The latest nightmare

is that the baby is deformed--



It's missing an arm,



or it's got

cauliflower ears



with an eye

on its forehead.



I can't stand it!

I don't know why...



Do you want

the baby?



I don't know

what I want anymore.



Well, what about

an abortion?



We're in the fifth month.

It's too late.




Sit, sit, sit.



Relax. Let's talk

about this for real.



My God.Jesus.



I mean, you love

Rebecca, right?



Yeah, I adore her.



O.K., O.K.



You got to be

honest with her.



Always let her know

how you're feeling.



You got to

talk to her.



Christine and I

never talked.



We were idiots.

We threw it away.



Look at me. Look

what I've become.



You have a wonderful time



dating young girls.



Sam, my life's

a pile of shit.



It's a pile of shit.



It's empty

and pointless.



My sister Gail

is right.



If I continue

this way,



I'm facing

a lifetime alone



without a family.



I don't want to die

like Van Gogh.



It's terrifying.



If you want

to know the truth,




I'd give anything



to have

Christine back.



That's the truth.



And sometimes--



God strike me dead

for admitting this--



sometimes I think

I'd like to be a father.



Ha ha ha!



Sorry. Right.

No, you're serious.



You'd make a good dad.



Well, you know,




but we're

getting older.



I think it's time

for us to...



to face our





don't lose Rebecca.



She's the best thing



that ever

happened to you.



Hey, you guys,

it's the   th.



Hey, you guys,

it's the   th.



Your membership fees

are due.



My sister

takes care of that.



Oh, really?



Wait, wait,

did she...



did she say

it was the   th?



Yeah, why?









Oh, this isn't

happening. No!






Today's our

second ultrasound.



I've missed it.



I swore

I wouldn't miss it!







was at     :  .



I can make it.












Oh, shit.






Shit, shit,

shit, shit, shit.



Oh, sorry.



Dr. Thatcher,




She's in there.



Sir, do I have you down

for an appointment?



Mr. Faulkner?



She left about

    minutes ago.



Thanks. Thank you.



Would you like

to know the sex?



The sex of the baby?












Does Rebecca know?






O.K., then.



It's a boy.



A boy.






Thanks very much.












that means,




you can actually

see his...









Penis, yeah,

and it's fine--



I mean, size-wise

and that kind of stuff?












And I'm assuming

everything else



is as it should be.



You know, lip and eyes

in the right spot, and...



nothing whatsoever here?




looks fine.



Here. Watch this

with Rebecca.



She forgot

to take it.



Yeah. O.K., good.



This is...



That's actually him?

That's my son?






Thank you.



Thank you.



Mr. Faulkner.






Pregnant women need

a lot of support.



Be affectionate

with her.



Kiss her a lot.



She was pretty

emotional earlier.















What are you doing?



I'm leaving.



Beck, wait.

I mean, I...



I know I've missed

a few appointments.



Look, you don't

care about me.



You don't care

about this baby.



You're too wrapped up

in your own feelings



to deal

with this pregnancy.



You're not ready

to be a father.



Where will you go?



Marty and Gail's.



Marty and Gail?



I don't want to move in

with my parents,



and all my girlfriends

are single,



and they don't need



some pregnant person

living with them.



Gail and I have gotten

to be close.



She knows what it's like

to be pregnant.



She'll get me

through this.



And the baby?



I'll raise the baby.









I'll get

an apartment.



I can do it

by myself.









The little heart's beating.



Marty, hi.



Is she here?



She never wants

to see you again.



Let me talk to her

for two seconds.



If I let you,

I'll be in the doghouse.



I'll have to

live with you.



You're a great

kisser, but--



Who is it?



It's my mom, honey.



But your mother's dead!




it's really weird!



Marty, please!

Just tell her one--






What do you

think of this?



Take a look at this.



You're aiming




at the hotel-room

market now, huh?



You're right.

It's a hotel-room painting.



That's what it is.

It's terrible.



Look at that.



What happened

to the nudes?



Oh, they

weren't selling.



It's cheaper for guys

to buy Playboy.



This is terrible.

Bon voyage.



I deep-six it.




with the fishes.




absolutely right.



I can smell the room service

on that painting.



But, you know,

it's you.



You're around.

That's why I'm painting this way.



You're very unhappy.



You're like the antidote

to exhilaration.



If I take

any more of this in,



I'll be painting

cats and clowns.



Is it Rebecca?



You haven't

heard from her?



No, I haven't

heard from her.



I have told you



so many times,



she refuses to see me.



No. She won't



answer my calls,



reply to my letters.



It's a total...






I've thrown away...

thrown away



the most important

thing in my life



just like that.



You need

a new outlook.



No, no, no.

Don't scoff.




Forget about Rebecca.



How could you



say that to me?



You reminded me



she's the most important



thing in my life



just weeks ago.



I never said that.



I never--

I never said that.



You said it



at the tennis court.



Oh, yeah.



So what if I did?



That was then,

but it's over,



and you've got to get

on with your life.



Listen to this--



Buy some

new clothes.



I'm telling you,



we'll learn

a new sport,



I'll throw a party,



and you'll meet

some new people.



Come on.

We'll have some fun!



I don't think so,




Start with a smile.




for heaven sakes.




that's hideous,






but, you know,




that's the idea.



Oh, darling



I'm so lonely without you



Can't sleep at night



Always thinkin' about you



That's O.K.

There you go.



But if I had the chance



To start all over



I wouldn't be wishin' today



On a four-leaf clover



And leavin' would be

the last thing on my mind



If I could turn back

the hands of time






Oh, baby



If I could turn back

the hands of time



Oh, darling



Aren't you a little

old for this?



I can't hold out much longer



You want an ambulance?

Watch your step.



But the pain

is getting deep



Oh, the hurt

keeps getting stronger



But if I had

just one more try



I would be yours alone



Until the day I die



And we would have

a love so divine



If I could turn back

the hands of time



If I could turn back

the hands of time



Oh, baby



If I could turn

back the hands of time






Remember, girl



That I love you



Oh, darling



I'm so lonely without you



Can't sleep at night



Always thinking about you...



Do you want to dance?



No, I--



Come on.

Don't be a stiff!.



Start all over



I wouldn't be wishin' today



On a four-leaf clover



And leavin' would be

the last thing on my mind



If I could turn back

the hands of time



If I could turn back

the hands of time



Oh, baby



If I could turn back

the hands of time



I love you



If I could turn back

the hands of time



Girl, I need you




for the ride home.



Pleasure. Pleasure.



Want to come up

for coffee?



No. Thanks, no.

I'm just going to...



shoot off.






Do you want

to come up for sex?



Wow. Ha ha ha!




That's pretty...









no. The thing is,

Lili, I think...



you're incredibly




but I think it's

just a bit early



for me

to get involved,



so I'll take

a rain check.



Another day.



Arr, matey.



Will ye be taking it

out to drive?



If you travel,



this holds a lot.



You can put

a queen-size waterbed in back.



Ever been

on a waterbed?



Can I help you?



Yeah, I'm looking

for Mr. Dwyer.



He's right

over there.



You never have

to worry about hemorrhoids.



I'll be right back

with you.



Just enjoy the car.



Thanks for

coming down, man.



I missed you.






Well, um...this is

very painful for me,



but I want to buy

a new car.



Buddy! Buddy,

it's about time.



We happen

to have a few.



How's Rebecca?



She's great.



You're taking

care of her?



Gail's taking

her shopping,



and they're




Then I make them

dinner every night.




And she's O.K.?



Yeah. The first month,

she cried a lot,



but she hasn't

mentioned you in two weeks.



I think she's

getting over you.



This is

the car for you.



Listen, Marty,

I need to see her.



She doesn't

want to see you.



I really have to

speak to her, O.K.?



I want her back.



That's going to take

a lot of convincing.



Do something for me.



Just, um...organize

a chance meeting.



Bring her

to a grocery store



or a restaurant,

and I'm there.



I don't know.



Ask Gail if I could

baby-sit your kids Saturday.



You want to baby-sit

my kids?



Yes! It's brilliant.



It will convince Rebecca

that I like children.



That will get me

in trouble with Gail,



and you know

how mad she gets.



Marty, please

do this for me!



O.K., O.K.,

I will.



Thanks! Excellent!









Oh! There we go.



This is fun,

isn't it?






Isn't this jolly,

Molly? Ha ha!



Listen to this.



''I removed

the victims' brains



with an ice-cream




Awesome, huh?



Shannon, the other

children here



don't want to hear

that beastly stuff,



so just

read quietly.






Yes. Higher.



Now, Patsy, no.

That's not funny, my love.



Don't strangle

the little boy.



But he likes it!



Say uncle!




Yes, that's it.



Hey, Sam! Sam!







Sam, are you O.K.?



Great. Fine.



Are you all right?



Yeah, yeah. Good.



We're getting on

well here.



Is Rebecca coming?






No? Marty,

we had an agreement.




in the hospital, Sam.



The hospital?



Why? What's wrong?



There might be a problem

with the pregnancy.



What are you

talking about?



The doctors don't know,

but she's with them.



Jesus Christ.



Be careful, Sam!



Hi. Which room is

Rebecca Taylor in, please?






Where's that?



Just around

the corner.









Will she be

all right?



Yeah, she's

going to be fine.






She just started

having some contractions,



and she started dilating.



They'll keep her overnight,

restrict her movement.



It just sometimes happens

in the seventh month.



And the baby's O.K.?



Yeah. Baby's great.



So...can I see her?



Don't upset her.



I won't.






Yep. Promise.















What are you

doing here?



Well, you know I was

worried about...



about you

and the baby.



We're going to be fine.



Yeah. That's

what Gail said.



Is this...

is this noise--



Is that the baby's













Beck, I'm sorry.



I'm so sorry.



I was, um...

a disgrace.



I mean,

I know now exactly



what a bastard

I was.



I was...I was...

completely selfish,



and you had




every right



to walk out on me.



But I just want

you to reconsider.



Sam, please, no--



Let me just explain.



I think--



I know

that I've changed.



You don't believe

in change.



I do now.

Change is great.



Change is what

it's all about.



Anyone who doesn't believe

in change is a coward,



which is what I was.



I was scared.

I was scared of...



of losing control



and of losing,

you know,



you or what

we had together



and losing my youth.



Aren't you now?



No. No, especially

not my youth.



My youth is here,



doing well.



I'd really love

to believe this.



Listen, I've seen



the second




The one you left

at Dr. Thatcher's



the day I was late.



The point is,

I don't care



what I think or

don't think anymore.



I don't give

a damn about me.



I'm in love

with my child.



You are?



And I'm completely in love

with you for having it.



Samuel, you almost

ruined everything, and--



Shh. Please.




the seventh month.



The baby

can hear you.



How do you know that?



I've been

reading up--



Dr. Brazelton,



What To Expect When

You're Expecting.



I've been

to a Lamaze class.



I was the only

single father there.






And I sold

the Porsche.



Oh, I don't believe that.



Yep. Marty gave me

a terrible deal



on a big family car.



He did?




It's parked outside.



Car seat,

family extras.



It just needs

a family.



And, um...



there's this.



Open it.



Would you be my wife?









On one condition.






Lose the earring.






It's gone.






Have I ever told you



How good it feels

to hold you?



It isn't easy

to explain



And though I really

keep trying



I think I may start crying



My heart can't wait

another day



When you kiss me,

I've just got to say



Baby, I love you



Come on, baby



Baby, I love you



Sweet baby






Baby, I love you



Come on, baby



Baby, I love you



Oo-wee, baby



Thank you.



I've always wanted



to be carried

over a threshold.






Are you all right?



Yeah. I've got

something to show you.






Oh, Samuel.






It's beautiful.



You did this

all by yourself?



Uh, yeah. Yeah.



Thank you.



It's perfect.



How are you feeling,




Oh, O.K.



My feet are

really swollen.



My back's killing me.



Well, look.



Leave this to me.



I'm going to pull

a few strings.



All right.



Hi. Look, I'm sorry

to bother you.



My wife's pregnant,

she's due in two weeks,



and I was wondering...






Samuel. Oh.



Hi. What a coincidence.



How-- How long-- How long--



How long have you

been working here?



Three weeks.



Three weeks.



How are things?









So listen, Lili,



how long is the wait

for a table going to be?



Give me

a few minutes.



I'll seat you

right away.



O.K. Great.






Well, succes.



She's just setting

the table now.



You know her?






The hostess.



The hostess?



I've never seen her

before in my life.






She called you Samuel.



Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.



That's my name.



Yeah, but you're

on a first-name basis



with a woman you've

never seen before?



Well, she took

my first name. See?



Some places take

the first name.



Some places,

they use last names.



Here, they use

first names.






You're silly.



You're paranoid.






Go on.






What is it?






What? What?



I cut my hand.



Wow, that's bad.






Hang on.

This is quite serious.



That needs stitches.




my water broke.



We'll get you another.



No. My water broke.



This water broke?






That means it's time.



That's right.



We got to go

to the hospital.



Well, go! Go!



Wait! Wait for me!



I got the doctor's

machine again.



Where could he be,



at some bloody

doctor's party?



Come on.

Please go faster.



When did you sell

the Porsche?



I knew it.



What, hon?



You slept with her,

didn't you,



while we were apart?



It was completely




Nothing happened.



I was completely

faithful to you.



Lili, wasn't I

completely faithful?



Completely faithful.



I don't believe you.



If it was innocent,



why did you lie

about knowing her?



Because you were

in a fragile state.



I'm in a more

fragile state now.



I swear on the life

of my child



I did not sleep

with her.



Samuel, stop!






- Aah!

- Aah!



- Aah!

- Aah!









You stupid

son of a bitch!



He has

a heart condition!



Learn to drive!







are you all right?



I'm having

chest pains.



I'll call an ambulance.



Look, I'm on the way

to the hospital,



if you'd like a ride.



Where is Dr. Green?



Get off the phone

and drive,



Limey scumbag!



Leave me alone,

you mad witch!






Sorry. Where is

Dr. Green?



You tried

his home number?






His beeper?



Yes. No!



You have that number?



Yeah. It's around

here somewhere.



Oh, where is that

bloody number?









It's a bicycle!









I'm sorry.

Are you all right?



My leg is broken.



Help me!



Help me!



Yes. Help!



Just stay there.

Just stay there.



Are you trying to kill

everyone in San Francisco,



you asshole?



We don't have time

for this!



My husband is having

a heart attack!



Oh! Ow!






Ow! Where are

you taking me?



Shut up or I'll break

the other leg!



Ah! You! Over here!



I've got stitches,

heart attack, woman in labor,



oh, and broken leg.






Sorry. Sorry.



Oh, my God.



Come quick!



Aah! Aah!






Yeah, I got it.

I got it.



Unh! Unh!






Please. Please.



Please. Please.









Lady, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.



It's all right,




I beg your pardon.



It's all right.









I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are you all right?



Get me out of here.



May I help you?



Rebecca Faulkner

for Dr. Green.



Her water's broken.



I'll get the doctor.



Come on. Move!



Hey! Don't push me.



I'll get the doctor.



How are you?



The baby's ready.



What do you mean,




To come out!



Jesus Christ almighty,



where is

the bloody doctor?



Here I am.



- Aah!

- Aah!



Please don't do that.



No. No.



Hi. Where's Dr. Green?



Where's our doctor?






He's on vacation.

You are two weeks early.



You're not the replacement

doctor, are you?



Yes, I am.



No. No.



I want

someone else.



There is nobody else.



There must be!

Find me another doctor!



There's no one else!

All right?



It is a full moon.



Everybody has gone into labor.

Look around!



There are not enough

doctors and nurses.



There are not

enough delivery rooms.



Unless you want to deliver

this baby yourself,



follow me!






Oh, God! I'm O.K.



I'm a little nervous,




It's my first delivery.



If there aren't

any rooms,



where is she

having the baby?



I'll put her

with another patient.



We're sharing a room?



I'm sorry. We're a little

overbooked, O.K.?



Let's go. Let's go.



Get this woman



on the delivery table




if not later.



Come on. Let's go.



Where are you taking me?



You're looking good.



You're dilated

to   centimeters.



How much is that?



O.K.? Got it?



She's very good, O.K.?



You look uncomfortable.



I'm going

to raise you down.



No! Don't touch




All right.

Get somebody over here!



Hey, buddy.






What are you doing here?



I'm cruising

for chicks.



I'm having a baby!



Hi. Hi!



How you feeling?



Isn't this terrible,

just terrible?



Sounds very good.



Where's my husband?



It's a full moon!



Women are

spouting them out!




Everybody's old friends.



Back to work!



Smile, Doc.



How's she doing?




God bless America, O.K.?






Honey, smile for me.



I love you. Smile.

You're so beautiful.



It's not bad, is it?

It doesn't hurt.



I want something

for the pain.



O.K. I'll get you




Knock me out!



Knock me ow-ow-ow...



Give her something

for the pain!



You don't want

natural childbirth?







You want Anastasia?






Drugs, yes?






Give me a moment.

I'm thinking.



You mean

you don't know?



Kind of.




you Commie bastard!



Shut up,

you Limey prick!






I can't take

the pressure.



Don't yell at me.



Yes. Yes. It's fine.










no good for her!



No, for me!






I've got it!



Oh, thank God!




call the anesthesiologist.



This woman needs an enema.



An enema?



- Enema?

- Enema?



No. Uh...

she needs a pedicure!



This ain't

no beauty parlor.






She's not dead,

you moron!




What is it, Epilady?



Epidural, asshole!



That's right! Yes!

That's what I mean.







I always

get those confused--



enema, pedicure, epidermal.



I should buy myself

a clitoris.



A thesaurus.



You don't know

what a clitoris is.



What are you doing?

Go away from here.



I'm proud of you.

I love you.



I hate you!



You did this to me,



you miserable piece of

dick-brained horseshit




son of a whore bitch!



That's perfect,




The kids will love it.

I'll put it--






Get out! Get out!

You're the one!



You are the one!



Hi, everyone.

I'm Dr. Newsoe.



I'm here to administer

the epidural.



Oh, yes! Thank God!



You inject that thing

into my wife?




Right into her spine.



Mm-hmm. Good. Excellent.






Look, you see?



That is why women

have the babies--



because men

can't handle the pa-aa--



Hey, you guys!



Get some smelling salts



and get these men up

off the floor!



Help me! Help me!



I need some help.

I need some help.






- Aah!

- Aah!



No time

for an epidural.






No time, Doctor.



I checked her cervix.

She's dilated to    .



Doctor, this woman

is also dilated to    .



Hi, everybody.

Smile big!



Give me a smile.



What are you doing?



I'm making you a souvenir.

Isn't it great?



Get that thing

off her face!



Give it to me!



No! I got a great shot

of the head!






You broke my camera.






Oh, Sam, I'm sorry.



I got carried away.






Be right back.



It's too late

for the medication!



Hold on! I'm coming!



Whoa! Oh!



Keep breathing.



Breathe. Breathe.






I cannot believe

you're fighting now!



This is my moment.



Your moment.



This is my miracle.






Aah! Oh!






Now we're ready



for the final push,

all right?



And you push!



There you go!



And...she's out!






The clamp.



There we go.

And the scissors.



And she's free from you.



You have a girl,

unless I cut the wrong cord.



Bad joke.



Go see Papa.






Congratulations, Papa.



You have a big,

beautiful girl.



Can we still

call her Samuel?



She's not yours.

She's yours.



No, she's not.



I've already got

three girls!



Four, actually,

counting this one.



Holy shit!






Aah! Aah!



What's going on here,




I bought

all that cowboy stuff



and the sports stuff

and all the other stuff.



Is there another one

in there, honey?



Isn't she beautiful?



Yes, but how's she going

to play for the   ers?



She could play.



No. You think so?



Yeah. She could do anything.






A pretty good arm.






  ,      ...









Come on.

Work for your baby.






All right!



I know it hurts,

but you have to come back now.



Listen to me, O.K.?



I don't want you

to tear.



You have to control

your push.



It's burning.

It's burning.






There you go.

The baby's head is out.



Bulb syringe.



One more push,

and you will see your baby.



Aah! Aah! Aah!



That's it--

the final push!



There we go. Ready?



Easy. Easy.



Go, baby!



And...he's out!



You had it!



Another clamp, please.



Another clamp.



Open your eyes.



Take a look

at your son.



You have a boy.



A beautiful boy.



Say hello to Papa.






You're welcome.



Thank you

for choosing me.



He's very handsome.



He's got very big

testicles, too.



Well, yes.

He would have.









See this?



I know. It's great,

isn't it?






We're a family.









I think she's

looking at me.



She's got your eyes.



Think so?



Yeah, and your hair,



and your figure,

in fact.



Shut up.



I guess having another

girl's not so bad.



You just have to keep

trying for a boy.



Think of all

the new positions.






Jesus, poor Gail.



Listen, I'm sorry

about your camera.



No. I was

out of line.



It's my fault.



Mart, um...



I, uh...



I just want

to say thanks.



For what?



Well, for today,



for, um--



Without you and Gail,



I just probably

wouldn't be here,



probably wouldn't

be a dad, so...



You're welcome, buddy.



I love you, man.



And I love you,

big guy!




we did it, huh?



I'm sorry about

what happened.



Oh, no, no.



No, really. We

underestimated you.



Without you?



Come on.

We make a great team!



Hey, Doc, have you been

celebrating a little bit?



Just a little.



Come on. We'll crack

another bottle, O.K.?



I'll be right back,



but first I have

to circumcise your son.










Dr. Kosevich--



I'll go.






These are the days



Of the endless summer



These are the days



The time is now



There is no past



There's only future



There's only here



There's only now...









Sorry if we woke you.

He was tense.



I thought we'd have

a bit of dancing.



Very good for tension.



Oh, the raging heart



You're the son of glory



That cries freedom

in the night



These are the days



By the sparkling river...



Want to dance

with Mummy?



She's a professional.



She's better

than me.



This is a love



For the one magician



Turned the water



Into wine



All right...



These are the days



Wah-oh, wah-oh-oh-oh



Have I ever told you



How good it feels



To hold you?



It isn't easy to explain



Though I really keep trying



I think I may start crying



My heart can't wait



Another day



When you kiss me



I've just got to say



Baby, I love you



Come on, baby



Baby, I love you



Oo-wee, baby



Baby, I love you




I love only you







I can't live

without you



I love everything

about you



I can't help it

if I feel this way



Oh, I'm so glad

I found you



I want my arms

around you



I love to hear you

call my name



Oh, tell me

that you feel the same



Baby, I love you



Come on, baby



Baby, I love you



Sweet baby



Baby, I love you



Come on, baby



Baby, I love you



This is the time

of your life



What you going to do

with it?



Don't fool with it



This is the time

of your life



You better face it



Don't waste it



Don't think

about the future



Don't think

about the past



There's just this moment



Better make it last



Now, you better

get it right



'Cause this is the time



Of your life



Oh, yeah






I'm looking down

on the rooftops



The changes are coming

too fast



Don't have no answers



Don't even know

what questions to ask



I'm better off

saying nothing



Than telling you lies



Trying to ride out

the fire



And a kiss good night



I'm lost if I don't

see myself



In your eyes






This is the time

of your life



What you going to do

with it?



Don't fool with it



Yeah, this is

the time of your life



You better face it



Don't waste it



Don't think

about the future



Don't think

about the past



There's just this moment



Better make it last



You better

get it right



'Cause this is the time



Of your life



This is the time,










Oh, ohh



Oh, yeah



This is the time

of your life



What you going to do

with it?




Special help by SergeiK