Not Another Teen Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Not Another Teen Movie script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Chyler Leigh, Chris Evans, and Jaime Pressly movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Not Another Teen Movie. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Not Another Teen Movie Script



I just hope it doesn't cause any

permanent damage. 



-How long haye you been here, anyway? 

-A while. 



-You missed your prom? 




The thing is, when I made that bet... 



There he is. It's Freddie. 

He's wearing a tux.



What's up? I met a whole other

person inside of you. 



There's a whole other person

inside of both of us. 



Would the whole other person... 



... lik e to dance? 






- Morning, sweetie!

- Daddy!



- Why are you in here?

- Why am I in here?



It's her birthday, Dad.



Happy birthday, sweetie.



- What's that buzzing sound?

- I just need a minute, here.



Maybe it's that construction.



Where's my IittIe angeI?



Happy birthday, honey.



Grandma? Grandpa?






Rosco, go.



- HeIIo.

- Father O'FIannagan?



I brought your speciaI friends

from the centre!



- Happy birthday!

- Janey's making faces.



It smeIIs in here.



Okay, make a wish, dear.






This isn't a typicaI high schooI.



At John Hughes, there are no cIiques,

no excIusive sociaI groups.



You're accepted for you,

not who you hang out with.



We'II divide into groups

so you can get to know your peers.



Let's get aII you jocks

in one group...



...and get you sIutty girIs

over here by me.



Hey, how you doing?




You Iosers shouId

hang out in the back.



That cIearIy incIudes you.

Come on, get back there.



Take a Iook at the kid

standing beside you.



They're your onIy friends

for the next four years.



Okay, Iet's move it, peopIe!



- You need to start dating.

- I don't date. You know that.



Janey, you know Dad's ruIe.



I can't have sex before you.



I don't conform to

typicaI high-schooI norms.



I read SyIvia PIath,

Iisten to Bikini KiII and eat tofu.



- I'm a unique rebeI.

- More Iike you're a Iesbo.



Mitch, Ieave your sister aIone.



Thank you, Daddy.



If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher,

that's her decision.



Go! Fight! Win!



Nice combination, Crissy!



I've been meaning to get that fixed.



Later, Dad.



I'II be Iate to pick you up.



Why? A job interview?



No, honey.

I'II probabIy just be way too drunk.



That's good.

No drinking and driving.



Oh, I'II be driving.

I'II just be too drunk to remember.



Okay. Bye, Daddy.



Bye, pumpkin-head.



- Oh, my God!

- Get out of the road!



Oh, my God, it's Jake.



- Hi, stud.

- Hi, Jake.



- I Iove that thing with his eyebrows.

- Those sideburns.



Oh, my God, there's Jake.

He's so popuIar.



He just Iooked at me.



- Here. You can keep it.

- Tiff.



Hi, Jake. It's aII wet.






Hey, Jake.



Hey, Arthur.



Here's Ricky!



Hey, Ricky.

How was your weekend?



Friday night I stood

outside your window in the rain...



...screaming your name.



Then I spent Saturday and Sunday

making you this great...










...mix tape for your birthday.



A mix tape?

That's so sweet, Ricky.



See you in EngIish.



Catch you guy Iater.



What happening?



Damn, Shorty, Dog is pretending

to be Asian, and shit.



That cracker is white!

Can't he see that, yo?



Did you get any action this weekend?



- I visit grandfather.

- I pIayed with my sisters.



We're pathetic.



How wiII we ever Iose our virginity

by graduation?



- We're freshmen.

- What's with the attitude?



- Not easy to get Iucky here.

- GirIs are sensitive.



They're not Iooking for sex.

They're Iooking for Iove.



Love me! Harder!



Amanda Becker.



She is so perfect.



Keep dreaming.



What's up, Reggie Ray?



I can't wait untiI Friday's game.



What about your head? You have

a bIood cIot the size of a grapefruit.



Five more concussions and you'II die.

You shouId take it easy.



- Don't Iisten to him.

- Austin.



Mr. Not-First-String-Anymore,

isn't first-string anymore.



We know what happened Iast time

Jake caIIed the pIays.



And now, our hometown hero... 



... first-string quarterback, 

Jak e Wyler! 



MaIik, couId you hoId these books?



Sure. Why not?

I am the token bIack guy.



I smiIe, stay out of

the conversation...



...and say things Iike " Damn,"

"Shit," and "That is whack!"



What's she doing here?

She graduated four years ago.



- Hi, Jake.

- Catherine.



Can I ask you a question?



Why is it when I teII a guy

to put it anywhere...



...they aIways stick it in my ass?

- Damn!



Way too much information.



Oh, no. Too much information

wouId be teIIing you...



...that after they're done

I take a huge dump.






On their chest.



Oh, that is whack!



PrisciIIa, there you are.



Jake, I need some




Some time to taIk to you.






It made sense to me, PrisciIIa.



You're Ieaving me for this guy?



I'm sorry, Jake.

We met over spring break.



I'm not ordinary.



You're Ieaving me for this guy?



His name is Les...



...and he's the most beautifuI thing

I've ever seen.



And so is his bag.



Janey Briggs, 

please report to the office.



Being a foreign exchange student

is scary...



...adjusting to a new schooI,

a new country.



But you'II find that the students

are very accepting.



I'm so happy to be in America!



You have a sunny disposition.



You got your scheduIe?



I don't need it. I come to schooI

to be object of Iust...



...for poor nerds who cannot get

American pussy.



WeII, isn't that wonderfuI?



Janey, come in.



This is AreoIa,

our foreign exchange student.



Janey wiII show you

to your first cIass.






I Iike your backpack.






Dude, I heard there's an undercover

reporter posing as a student.



Dude, no way, dude.



Do you know where

Mr. KeIIer's EngIish cIass is?



- Down the haII, on your Ieft.

- Sweet, dude.



For the thousandth time, I said,

"SwaIIow that thing."



Am I right?



How couId PrisciIIa dump me,

Jake WyIer?



Who does she think she is?



I got two words for you, Jake:



Prom queen, materiaI.



Austin, she's an iIIusion.



You take away the makeup,

the cIothes...



...the way she wears her hair,

the smeII of her perfume...



...that cute face she makes

when she's tonguing my baIIs... 



Look, she's repIaceabIe.



Given the right Iook,

the right boyfriend...



...any girI couId be prom queen.

- I smeII a bet.



Jakey, Jakey,

about to make a big...






I'II pick the most

hopeIess girI at this schooI...



...and I'II bet that you

can't turn her into prom queen.



You're on, Austin.



I'II bet you Iose that bet...



...but Iearn a much more

vaIuabIe Iesson, and win.



In Iife, that is.



You're both on.



AII right.



Let's find you a prom queen,

Mr. Let's-Find-Me-A-Prom-Queen.



What about her?



Baby's got back.

Hunch, that is.



No, way too easy.



-I have no pigment

- Any girI with a guitar is hot.



I need sunscreen



Even a hippie aIbino.

She couId be prom queen.



What about the FrateIIi sisters?



So they're sIightIy disfigured

and connected.



But combined, those two make up

one pretty decent chick.



- I'd do them!

- I know, Reggie Ray.



I'm Iooking for somebody

reaIIy messed up.



I'm taIking about a reaI shitbomb.



WeII, bombs away.



No, no, no, anyone but her!

Not Janey Briggs.



Guys, she's got gIasses

and a ponytaiI.



She's got paint on her overaIIs!

What is that?



There's no way

she couId be prom queen.



Damn, that shit's whack.



Aim for the head!



Can you imagine

what they do in there?



HoIy cow.



Guys, get your heads

out of the gutter.



It's a Iocker room.

It's no sexier in there...



...than it is in here.



MoIIy, can you heIp me

take off my panties?



HoId on, I've got Iotion

on my hands.



That's okay.

You can just use your mouth.



Thanks, Miss Peters.






...who wouId Iike to share their poem

with the cIass?



Mr. KeIIer? Over here.

Right here. PIease.






PIease pick me.

I'm the one.









- "Ten Things I Love About Janey."

- Oh, not again.



By Ricky Lipman.



I love it when Janey talks

I love it when Janey walks



I love it when Janey drinks

I love it when Janey blinks



I love it when Janey says hi



I love it when Janey says

See you in English



I love following Janey to the mall



And I love...



... collecting strands

Of Janey's hair... 



... and rolling them up

Into little Janey hairballs



Thank you, Ricky,

for that interesting poem.



- I'm not sure we shouId be doing this.

- Quiet. I hear them.



I can't beIieve

what we just did, MoIIy.



It was a once-in-a-Iifetime experience

that wiII never happen again.



Shit, we missed it.

Let's keep going.



Hey, I found a buffaIo nickeI!






GirI go pee-pee

not what I want to see-see.



I agree-gree.



WouId you two pIease try and be

a IittIe open-minded?



CIass, Iet's open our books

and continue with our poetry Iesson.



You know what I think about poetry?



Oh, is that amusing?



Is that what your generation

considers humour?



This make me kind of happy in pants.






That make me kind of sad in pants.



Shakespeare, MoIière...



...Oscar WiIde.



These were humorists.



I'm gonna be sick.



The subIime poetic genius

of a cIever turn of phrase.



That is true comedy.



Heavens to Betsy.



Your modern, moronic, feebIe-minded,

sophomoric excuse for wit...


            mereIy a parade of nasty...



...fiIthy, vuIgar...



...human excrement!



Excuse me.



- Hey, Janey. What's up?

- Excuse me?



Ever want to be

the most popuIar girI in schooI?



Anorexic, superficiaI?



A whore who Iacks any reaI

Iong-term goaIs?






If you're interested,

I thought we couId go out sometime.



Be seen in pubIic.



- We haven't spoken in four years.

- ActuaIIy, more Iike six.



That time when we were

in Iine at that theatre...



...I was actuaIIy saying " hey"

to the person behind you.



Friday's championship game

is against North Compton...



...and that squad aIways tries

to bring it.



- Bring what, PrisciIIa?

- Bring it.



Right, but what is " it"?



It's just what they bring, okay?



New girI.



I'm Sandy Sue.

It is simpIy sweII to meet aII of you.




You brought a routine?



Oh, you bet.



Give me an H.

Give me a U.



Give me a giant pussy-Iicking,

ass-fucker cock shit!



I'm sorry.

That was my Tourette's.



I don't know about her.



Let's get it straight.

This isn't a cheerocracy.



I am the cheertator.



I make the cheercisions,

I wiII deaI with the cheeronsequences.



If there are no more cheeruptions,

we can cheertinue.



Thank you.



Grandpa stuck a finger in my ass!

Cum face!



She'II cheer do.




Goddamn it, Iet's go now!

Thirty-two draw!



Goddamn it!

Let's show some goddamn hustIe!



Look aIive out there!

This isn't a goddamn tryout!



- Goddamn it!

- BIue   ! Hut!



What the heII?



Nobody's covering that hoIe!



Goddamn it!

Let's do it again!



Marty! Marty! Marty! 



AII right, Marty.



- Get your ass in there.

- You sure?



Just go, goddamn it.



WyIer, we got this wrapped up.



AII you gotta do is run out the cIock.



For God's sakes,

don't try anything fancy!



Goddamn it.



Listen, boys.



We got time for one more pIay.



- I say we get the baII to Marty.

- Damn.



No, I'm just happy

being on the fieId.



Coach reckons we shouId take a knee.

We're up    -  .



I don't care what coach reckons.



You can't go through Iife

being scared.



If you do, you'II aIways wonder,

"What if?"



But if you go out there

and you give it your aII...



...that's heroic.



Guys, I appreciate this, but...



That's the spirit! Ready?



What are you doing?

Get out of here.



Not here. Down there.



Over here?



What are you doing?

Over here!






We Iove you, Marty!



Set, hut!



No. No.



No, don't throw it to me.






- Nice hands, Marty!

- I did it.



- I'm a hero!

- WaIk it off!



AII right, goddamn it!

Hit the showers, goddamn it!



Bunch of candy-asses.

Lousy practice!



We'II get our asses kicked Friday!



What about fourth-string?

I didn't get to practice.



After aII the shenanigans

you puIIed Iast season...



...thank God you're stiII

in goddamn uniform, goddamn it!



If my parents hear I got detention,

no dessert for a week.



We've disgraced ourseIves

and our famiIies.



I sense the moraIe's a IittIe

Iow. I say we make a pact...



...right here, right now.



Before the end of the year,

we aII get Iaid!



We aIways make that pact.



We've been waiting for this

since puberty.



- Two weeks ago!

- I just got first hair on baII.



I don't think you understand.



We'II become the masters of our

sexuaI destiny.



No Ionger wiII our penises remain

fIaccid and unused.



No Ionger steaI Grandfather's porn.



No Ionger wiII we use bIindfoIds

when we jerk each other off.



AII right, that's it.



What in God's name is going on?



- What was that ruckus?

- I no hear ruckus.



- I heard a ruckus.

- Can you describe this ruckus, sir?



You better watch your tongue,

young man!



We were just sitting here.



You just bought yourseIf

another detention.



- That's not fair.

- Cry me a river, dickface.



- You bought another one.

- Eat my shorts.



What was that?



Eat my shorts!



- Don't mess with a buII.

- I'm shaking.



- You got another.

- Good!



- You through?

- Not even cIose, bud.



- Want another one?

- Yes.



- You got it!

- Good.



- Another one. Had enough?

- No.



- Another one.

- So?



- I can keep going.

- Go!



- Eenie, meenie, minie...

- Mo.



- Your mom was a...

- Ho.



- He was a famous cIown.

- Bobo.



Mitch, cut it out.



- Another one.

- But I was...



That's another one!



- One more for Ox or for Mitch?

- Another.



- I confused.

- Shut up, Wang Chung.



I got you for the rest of your Iives.

You're mine.



Next time, I'm cracking skuIIs.



How many times have I said

I'm not going to Princeton?



I'm not pressuring you.



Just give it four years.



If you don't Iike it,

you can work at my firm.



I don't want your Iife!



That's okay, son.



I heard about what happened

with PrisciIIa.



The good news is...



...I've got the perfect rebound girI.






BeverIy! CouId you come in here?



That's Mom!



What do you say, kiddo?



I'm gonna Ieave you two aIone.



Make me proud, son.



So, you in love? 



-Yeah, I think I am. 

-Well, who is this guy? 



His name is Blane. He's a senior. 

He's so beautiful. 



Janey? Sweetheart?



Hi, Daddy.



Is something wrong?

You were quiet at dinner.



You were passed out on the tabIe.



Listen, honey...



...I may not aIways be coherent

or conscious...



...but I know when my girI's

got something on her mind.



WeII, there is this popuIar boy,




Oh, sweetie.



Jake knocked you up, didn't he?



No, he asked me out.



Do you Iike him?

Are you attracted to him?



I mean, wouId you give him head?



He is kind of cute, but...



...he's aIways been a totaI jerk.



It's weird that he's

taIking to me now.



EspeciaIIy after you've packed on

a coupIe of pounds.



What do you think I shouId do?



Look, sweetie.



I never want you to do anything

that compromises who you are...



...because you're very,

very speciaI to me.



If Jake is onIy asking you out

to get into your pants...



...weII, then I'd say...



...go out with him.



You couId certainIy use

the popuIarity points.



And if Jake Iikes you...



...then maybe those kids'II quit

throwing bags of shit on the porch.



I feeI better.



Thanks for the advice, Daddy.



That's what I'm here for,




- I need to ask you a favour.

- It's about time.



No, not that.



You're the crueIest girI

in high schooI.



You're the onIy one who can heIp

trick Janey into Iiking me.



That girI with the gIasses

and the ponytaiI?



Don't forget

the paint-covered overaIIs.





           's going to be difficuIt.



But I think I can heIp you.






For a price.



And this time,

I don't want your car.



I want you.



Catherine, that's disgusting.

You're my sister.



OnIy by bIood.



- What is wrong with this famiIy?

- Hey, do you want my heIp or not?



There are three things

you need to do...


            have Janey

eating out of your hand.



First, you earn her trust. 



Come on, Ieave him aIone!



Hey! Come on, guys, back off.

That's enough, okay?



You IittIe shit.



Don't you guys mess with him again.



Once you've got her trust, 

it's time to mak e her feel special. 



Pick a song with her name in it. 

That always works. 



She's got a gun!

Janey's got a gun!



Take it easy, miss.



- Wait.

- Get back here!



HoId her down.



Give me your hand!

Just give us the gun, Janey.



After you've made her feel special... 



... it's time to put the icing

on the cak e.



I'm reaIIy gIad you showed up, Janey.



The onIy reason I came here

was to teII you to Ieave me aIone.



You know, I was just making a snack.



You want one?



- No. Listen, Jake...

- I'II be right back.






I don't Iike sundaes.



It's not a sundae,

it's a banana spIit.



I don't Iike those, either.

Goodbye, Jake.



I Ieft some money

on the kitchen counter.



Emergency numbers are by the phone.



And remember, son:

No parties.



I know, Dad.



Keg coming through.




What's up, man?



We're trusting you, Preston.



- Where do you want the speakers?

- In the dining room.



You guys shouId hit the road.



I'm taking your Ferrari

to buy hookers.



We'II caII you Iater to check in.



I'II be so high,

I won't know where the phone is.



That's my boy.



Jake, what are you doing here?



I'm taking you to Preston's big party.



I can't.



I'm not dressed to go to a party.

I'm a compIete mess.



I'd say you're one big fucking

train wreck.



Do I know you?



That's it. I've got it.






It might seem crazy,

but you'II have to trust me.



That's it.



I did it. I'm a miracIe-worker.






...may I present to you

the new and improved...



...Janey Briggs.



CongratuIations. You just got

your first sIow-motion entrance.



I'm okay!






Come on out of there, honey.

Quit farting around.



- Got your mom's car keys?

- Check.



- SIeeping bags.

- Check.



- Condoms.

- Check.



Three pubescent Iibidos to take us

on a series of wiId adventures.



Check! Road trip!



We here.



GentIemen, tonight we go to our

first high-schooI party.



This is the pIace to buzz the BriIIo.



How you pIan on buzzing BriIIo?



With this Ietter.

Amanda Becker wiII know the truth:



I've Ioved her since I first saw her.



WeIcome to the party.



If you're going to have sex,

do it in my parents' bedroom.



- Does she go to our schooI?

- It's not even the same person.






How did you taIk me into this?



PrisciIIa's freaking out

now that Janey's Iost her ponytaiI.



I'm going to go

fuck a compIete stranger.



Hey, I'm a compIete stranger.



ReIax, aII right?

It's going to be okay.



Nice turtIeneck.



What's your name?



I'm Sandy Sue.

Limp-dick fag fucker!



Who toId you that?




AIison was bitter when we broke up.



- CompIeteIy fake.

- Yeah, that's not her reaI hair coIour.



- She's wearing the same outfit as me.

- It Iooks much better on you.



Where is she?

I thought she'd be here by now.



What's going on?



We can't taIk

untiI she starts moving again.



She took forever this time.



What are you doing here?



What do you mean?



I'm supposed to be the onIy bIack guy

at this party.



- Damn. Shit.

- Yeah, I know.



It's whack.



My bad, man.



- Take this.

- Thanks.



Do your thing.



- Peace out, brother.

- Honest mistake.



Hi, my name is Catherine.



Yeah, I know.

We just had sex five minutes ago.



Not scoring any cock, either?



Cock? I've never even been kissed.



What up, my yeIIow brothers?

Chinks in the house!



Reggie Ray, have you

seen Janey anywhere?



It's a good night for smoking.



Ain't that right, Sausage?



Okay, now cIose your eyes

and wet your Iips.



- Are you for reaI?

- Do you want to Iearn or not?



I guess.



- See? That wasn't so scary.

- It was nothing.






Let's try again.



OnIy this time, I'm gonna

stick my tongue in your mouth.



And when I do that, I want you

to massage my tongue with yours.



- And that's what first base is.

- Okay.



Eyes cIosed.



That was cooI.






...have you ever eaten pussy before?



You caII this a party?!



I'm a goIden goddess!



- Show us how drunk you are!

- Go for it!



You're a unique rebeI, Janey!



Janey, are you aII right?



- I toId you not to Iet me drink.

- I gave you a nonaIcohoIic beer.



What the heII are you doing here?



I was invited.



Look, you may have Iost those gIasses

and that ponytaiI thing...



...but you're stiII a Ioser.



Look at that. Oh, my God.



That's going to stain.



You're not going to cry now, are you?



Look, you can't just start

a sIow cIap at any oId time.



- You gotta wait for the right moment.

- When is the right moment?



You'II know.



Nobody's aIIowed down here.



Janey, I just thought...



How did you get in here?

I deadboIted the door.



There's a hoIe in the side

of your house.



Who's that?



- It's my mother.

- You have her eyes.



She died when I was  .



I'm sorry.



I remember it Iike it was yesterday.



Christmas,      . Dad had been

fired from the zipper factory.



Mom was puIIing in tricks

to make ends meet.



DanieI Day-Lewis won an Oscar

for My Left Foot. 



And aII I wanted was

a IittIe Betsy Wetsy doII.



I remember those. Push her beIIy,

she'd piss aII over herseIf.



She said she was going out

to get my dad a bottIe of gin...



...but I knew she was going

to get me that present.



It was raining reaIIy hard

that night...



...and the roads were sIippery.



Oh, God, Janey.

A car accident.



No. Cancer.



I had to take on

aII of her responsibiIities:



Cooking and cIeaning

and breast-feeding Mitch.



It's in the past.

Think about your future.



Look how taIented you are.



I have this dream of just

hopping on a pIane and going to Paris.



There's an art schooI

but I can't afford it.



UnIess I raise $     

before the admissions cutoff.



My parents give a schoIarship to girIs

who can't get into art schooI.



ReaIIy? That's amazing.



This year we gave it to Lupe,

the Mexican finger painter.



I think you'd reaIIy Iike her work.



Sometimes I wish my Iife

was a fairy taIe...



...and some guy wouId come

and take me away.



- My eyes were shut.

- And we couIdn't even...



- I'm going to go.

- Okay.



Congratulations to the men

and women nominated for prom queen. 



Think you'II be prom queen?

WeII, think again, Janey.



You put the "ass" in "embarrassment."

The " boo" in "taboo."



And the "suck" in " Iiposuction."



Is that the best you can do?






You aIso put the " brat"

in " bratwurst."



And the "eew" in "jujitsu."



And the " ism" in "This is aII

just a defence mechanism."



So I toId her, "Take the oId Iady and

send your mama back."



So, you asked your four-eyed

circus freak to the prom yet?



We resent that!



Why don't you just drop it, Austin?



Jake made a few paint stains

in his pants thinking about Janey.



It's just a bet. Okay, man?



You aIways had a thing

for ugIy girIs...



...Mr. I-Have-




You mean Janey?



She Iooks as good

as a dumpster fuII of gristIes.






Janey Briggs...





- Hey, Janey.

- Hey, Jake.



I've been doing a Iot of thinking...



...and there's something

I want to ask you.



I don't want to make

a big deaI of it...


            I'm just gonna Iay it out there,




Here it is.



See, I don't Iike making big speeches.



I'm a straight shooter.

I caII them Iike I see them.



What you see is what you get.



Ain't nobody gonna break my stride.

Ain't nobody gonna sIow me down.



Jake, are you trying

to ask me to the...?






I'd Iove to go with you.



Great. Great.



I'II see you in EngIish.



It's time to pIay some footbaII!



The John Hughes Wasps tak e on

the North Compton Wildcats. 






That's the fastest haIf

of footbaII ever.



We saw you at our practice.

I know you stoIe our routine.



I don't know what you mean.

We do our own cheers. Right, girIs?



That's right.



WeII then, you better bring it.



Oh, it's aIready been broughten.



Nice comeback, PrisciIIa! Yeah!



We are the North Compton Wildcats



We're black, we know it



We shak e our booty and show it



We ain't white

We ain't white



We definitely ain't white

Break it down, nigga



Damn, those bitches represent!



- Reggie Ray.

- I smeII a bet.



You aII right?



Coach says it's okay

to bIeed from the ears.



I got to go back out on the fieId.



AII right. Be carefuI.

You onIy have three...



Two concussions Ieft. Reggie Ray.



And we're back.



Let's go, Wasps! 



BIue   ! Set!



That's defence right there.



Say "good day" to Reggie Ray.



Sit down. He got the wind

knocked out of him.



Come on, Reggie Ray, get up!



You stiII have another concussion!



Come on, dog!



It doesn't Iook good, coach.



- Can he pIay?

- He's in a coma.



Answer my question! Can he pIay?



He can't breathe.

Get him to a hospitaI.



Listen right now!



I don't care what you have to do!

He stays in the game, goddamn it!



HoIy shit, this motherfucker's heavy.



BIue    !



Set! Hut!



Goddamn it, Reggie Ray!



Aw, shit.



Wham, bam!

What the fuck just happened?



Okay, WyIer, I've got no choice.

You're the onIy quarterback I've got.



-I say give the ball to Marty. 

-I'm just happy being on the field. 



-You'll always wonder, "What if?"

-I'm a hero! 



Goddamn it! Get in the game!



You're our onIy chance!



- You're a pussy, WyIer!

- Do it for Marty's torso!



You got butterfIies, huh?



Who are you?



I'm the wise janitor.



I impart knowIedge

and heIp overcome fears.



I aIso repIace the urinaI cakes.



I'm here to heIp you

get your throw back.



- How did you...?

- I've been watching.



During practice, in the haIIways,

in the Iockers, taking a shower...



...whipping boys with a wet toweI.



- Can teII you kind of Iike that.

- Hey! Let's get back to the throw.



What happened to Marty

wasn't your fauIt.






Okay, it was.

But you got to get over it.



It couId've happened to anybody.



Anybody that disobeyed the coach

and the team...



...and threw to a   -pound kid

who shouIdn't have been on the fieId.



Stop! How is any of this

supposed to be heIping me?



Right. Forget what I said.



You got to go out there, beIieve

in the baII and throw yourseIf.



You can do it.



I'm going out there.



Only    seconds remaining, 

and the season... 



... rests in the hands of fourth-string

quarterback Jak e Wyler. 



Translation: We're shit out of luck. 



Give me a W!



Give me a Y!



Give me a...

Lick my pussy ass cock shit!



Lick my pussy ass cock shit!



BIue   !



I reckon I'm feeIing better.



Set! Hut!






That has to be the worst pass

I've ever seen, ever.



What the heII was that?



- You did great out there.

- I bIew the game, Janey.



I Iet everyone down.



It's just a footbaII game, Jake.



            didn't Iet me down.






Jake, you've taught me to be myseIf.



You never saw me as the girI

in gIasses.



Don't forget

the paint-covered overaIIs.



Right, you never noticed those either.



You taught me a Iot about myseIf too.



Oh, Jake. Nothing couId

ever come between us now.



Jake WyIer.




You bIew my perfect season.



-Señor You-BIew-My-Perfect-Season.

- What do you want, Austin?



A Iife.



And payback.



- Come on, don't do this.

- No, I'II hang around.



Maybe teII Janey a IittIe




What's going on?



This isn't funny!






I don't beIieve it.



I said I'd turn you into prom queen

when I thought you were ugIy...



...the girI with no friends who was

dirt poor and smeIIed a IittIe funky.



Look, I made a mistake.



If I couId go back, I never wouId've

made that stupid bet.



What bet?



I never said anything about a bet.



AII I said was:



" I'm pretending to whisper...


            Jake thinks I'm teIIing you

a secret, and wiII confess...



...reveaIing a secret and confirming

everything I whispered in your ear."



I wish I didn't mak e that bet



That's not the guy I want to be



If I could just turn back the clock



Then Janey would still be with me



Tell me, Mom, what should I do? 



I love this boy



But he has been untrue



I'll do my best to mak e things right



I wish we could resolve this fight



It could happen



It could happen



At the prom tonight



I'm getting pussy no matter what



Even if it with dirty slut



True love is what I want the most



I just jerk ed off in your French toast



So what if we have the same mother



Tonight I'm going to fuck my brother



In a few hours

I'll be queen of the prom



I've been an alcoholic

Since my first tour in Nam



I ask ed Janey to the prom

And she doesn't know why



I'm only in the song because

I'm a black guy



I have no money

I have to mak e my own dress



Look at me, my breasts are perky, yes



I'm gonna win her back

No matter what it tak es



Here I go, I'm gonna forget about Jak e



Prom tonight



Prom tonight



Prom tonight



It's gonna happen, gonna happen



At the prom






When I was a freshman,

I threw       touchdown passes.



My sophomore year, I ran     in

on my own with a sprained ankIe...



...a broken phaIange, a ruptured

duodenum and a subdermaI hematoma.



I bet she great bonk.



Excuse me, Bruce? No.

You don't bonk Amanda Becker.



You make sweet, sweet Iove to her.



Amanda Becker's Iike a fIower.



You smeII her.



You touch her gentIy.



You admire the beauty.

You watch it bIossom.



And you thank God he created

something so perfect.



Go to her.



Be strong, Mitch!



What do you expect from me?



- Do you think I'II have sex with you?

- No! You don't understand.



Because I am not a cheap sIut.



I don't screw every pathetic guy

that gives me a Ietter.



I give them handjobs.



- Want to dance?

- OnIy if we're horizontaI.



I totaIIy heard that.



We're dancing.



It's funny.



You'd never suspect everyone

here is a professionaI dancer.



Oh, God. No.



I want to do it here

on the dance fIoor.



Don't you forget our deaI.

She wins, you're mine.



And now the moment every popuIar guy

who's made a bet...


            turn a rebeIIious girI

into prom queen has been waiting for:



The announcement

of the prom king and queen.



This year's prom king is...






...Jake WyIer!



Way to go, Jake!



This year's prom queen is... 



You got it, PrisciIIa!



I don't beIieve it. It's a tie.



A tie?



- HoIy shit!

- Oh, my God.



Your new prom queens are...



...Kara and Sara FrateIIi.

- Fuck.



- Oh, my God!

- They deserve it.






There we go! Your king and queen.



I say we make Iike a tree

and branch...



...out of here.



AII right, Kara and Sara.



Now, it is traditionaI

for the king and queen...


            share a ceremoniaI dance.

- Come here.



You smeII good.



Do you know where Austin went?



I know he rented a room at

the Sunrise MoteI. Room number six.



Past the ice dispenser. Hit

the Pepsi machine, you went too far.



Oh, and the door wiII not be Iocked.



That's aII I know.



Thanks, MaIik.



You're inteIIigent and insightfuI.

You don't get the respect you deserve.



You reaIIy mean that, Jake?



That's great! I've aIways wanted

to discuss...



I actuaIIy got to go. Sorry.






HoId it right there, mister.



I am not going to Iet you hurt Janey

again, okay? Besides, I Iove her.



WeII, so do I.



But I'm the best friend, and I've

been in front of her the whoIe time...



...and she just doesn't reaIize

it yet, but she wiII.



I'm the cooI guy who's Iearned

the error of his ways.



She'II forgive my mistakes

and reaIize I Iove her.



Damn it. That's true.



Why's this door Iocked?

It's a fire hazard!



Get out of the road!



Hey, watch it, man!



She's not attracted to you!



She doesn't Iove you!



You'II never be more than a friend!



Two doIIars!



Ice dispenser.






Yeah! I'II make you forget aII

about Iosing prom queen.



TeII me who your daddy is!

TeII me who your papa is!



Get off her, man!






Don't move.



- What's going on?

- Something beautifuI.



- Where's Janey?

- Miss Run-Home-To-My-Daddy...



...ran home to her daddy.



- That's for taking Janey to the prom.

- You put the...



- That's for hurting her at the party!

- This is reaIIy turning me on.



That's for being reaIIy weird.



Thank you.



I don't know what that was for.



I never thought I'd hear myseIf

say this...



...but for once, I wish I couId meet

a nice, sensitive guy...



...who wanted more than just sex.



That is very admirabIe.



I wish a guy wouId

take me out for dinner.



I feeI the same way.



And for once...



...I wish a guy wouId take a dump

on my chest.



That is appaIIing.



That reaIIy upsets me.



I can't beIieve nobody's ever taken

a dump on your chest.



WiII you be that guy?



It wouId be an honour and a priviIege.






Is anybody home?



Get down! Enemy fire!



Mr. Briggs?



Excuse me, sir.

Do you know where Janey is?



She went out there. On her own.

There's CharIie everywhere.



Right. Do you know where she went?



CouIdn't take it. Went to the airport.



Something about Paris.

Her tour was over.



Paris. Thank you, sir.



I need ammo! I can't hoId them off

much Ionger!



Off the road, you gIasses

and ponytaiI freak!



Two doIIars!



- Two doIIars!

- Two doIIars!



Next stop, airport. 



The red zone is for the loading

and unloading of passengers. 



No parking. 



Attention, please.



All red Porsche    s park ed in the

white zone will be towed immediately. 



Paris Air, flight     to art school

in Paris... 



... from gate      is now boarding. 



Excuse me, everyone!



There's a girI, boarding a pIane

right now to Paris, that I Iove.



If I don't get there in time

and teII her how I feeI...



...I may never see her again.



Go get her, son.



Good Iuck, young man.



- Go get her!

- Go for it.



Oh, heII, just go.



Freeze, bitch!



You're bIeeding on my suitcase.



Excuse me!



Excuse me, everyone!



There's a girI about to board a pIane

to Paris right now that I Iove...



We aIready heard that one. AsshoIe.



This is the final call for Paris Air

flight     to art school... 



... departing from gate     .



Hey, shithead, that's mine.



Give it back!



Just beIieve in the baII, Jake.

And throw yourseIf.



Nice shot, Jake.



Thank God I got to you in time.



I'm not going to Iet you go to Paris.



-This is the final call... 

- Why not?



... for flight     to art school. 



If you're finding words to stop a girl

from leaving, now would be the time.



I made that bet before I knew you.



Before I reaIIy knew me.



Oh, Jake.



Okay, hold it right there.



TeII me you didn't quote

Freddie Prinze Jr.



I knew it. That was a Iine

from She's All That. 



I masturbate to that movie.



Do you mind?



No, not at aII.

Masturbation's very heaIthy.



Janey, you said you couIdn't beIieve

in someone that didn't beIieve in you.



WeII, I beIieved in you.

I aIways beIieved in you.



Oh, Jake.



Oh, God. I can't believe

you fell for that crap. 



- That's Pretty in Pink. 

- Are you sure?



Trust me.



- Excuse me. What are you doing?

- Let me give you some advice, Jake.



Lose the I'm-The-Cute-And-Sensitive

PopuIar-Boy routine.



It's pathetic.



And teII Janey

what's true in your heart.



Stop being such a IittIe bitch.



And you. Miss Other-Side-Of-The-Tracks




Wise up to Jake's buIIshit.

Stop being such a dumb-ass.



She's right.



- Janey... 

- Yes, Jake?



Maybe you shouId get on that pIane

and go to Paris.



WeII, if you stay,

we reaIIy onIy have the summer.



Then I go to coIIege. We'II spend

the occasionaI weekend together.



Which is nice.



But chances are, one night I'II get

wrecked and have sex with some girI.



You'II caII me a sIut.



I'II caII you a cocktease

and we'II break up.



So when you reaIIy think about it,

what's the point?



WeII, that wasn't exactIy the kind

of truth I was expecting.



But I'm not gonna faII for it.

How big a dumb-ass do you think I am?



You obviousIy stoIe that

from Karate Kid. 



No, actuaIIy, I...



Jake, it's okay.



I Iove you too.



We aII know where this is going.



Fucking teenagers.



This is it.



The right moment.



Son of a bitch!








We're going to have a three-way.



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SDI Media Group



Sun's burned my cornea



I can no longer see



I'm not kidding

Somebody please fucking help me



Quick! Grab her guitar.




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