Novocaine Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Novocaine script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Martin and Helena Bonham-Carter movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Novocaine. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Novocaine Script





A person can lose a lot of things.



He can lose his soul.

He can lose his life.



But I've always said the worst thing

a man can lose is his teeth.



It's true.

I should know.



Are you listening to me, Mike?

Because I'm dead serious here.



- Come on, Mike.

- I am definitely not pleased.



- You haven't been flossing, have you?

- Frank, I have been trying.



Jean, hit the video.

I want to record this.



Okay, Doctor.



This is the new inter-oral camera

we've been using. I love it.



- Why is it in that box?

- Fireproofing.



All our data is fireproofed

for the insurance company.



I know it's expensive,

but it's not a toy.



Now, eyes on the monitor.

I want to show you something.



- Relax, Mike. Breathe.

- Move that tongue out of the way.



Other way.

Out of the way.



- Mike, just unroll it.

- Unroll it, Mike.



Now, here's the problem area.

This tender?



How about here?



That's what I thought.

Let's set him up for a temporary on   .



- We'll fix him up next week.

- Booked solid.



- How about two weeks Tuesday?

- Fine. Slide me the tank, please.



And by the way, you know that

malpractice insurance we talked about--



I know. You told me. You moved

everything into the new corporation.



This way you're totally protected.



The house, the practice,

the money market accounts.



- You told him that.

- Hold on.



The beauty of this thing is

all of your holdings...



are protected

under the new corporation.



Just relax. I promise

not to drill too deep.



- Come on.

- Too deep? Wait a minute.



Just lean back, big fella, and watch

the film. It's one of my favorites.



Movie's in.

Breathe deep.



I think you're gonna like this one.



It's about a postman

in the south of France.



Rides around on his bicycle all day,

delivering mail.



Beautiful place.

Rolling hills, sunflowers.



Sometimes I really envy him.

You know what I mean, Mike?



- I'd say he's out, wouldn't you?

- I'd say so, Doctor.



- Anyone waiting in the office?

- Yes.



Edwin Hamada is due at   :  

but he said he'll be late.



Well, in that case--



Jean was my fiancée...



the kind of all-American woman

who could cook a perfect banana bread...



then turn around

and reorganize the entire office...



and still look great

at the end of the day.



Plus, she was the most

meticulous hygienist I ever had.



- She even practiced on weekends.

- Perfect.



Needless to say,

I was her guinea pig.



She was bright.



She was cheerful.



She was voracious.



And then there was

my office manager, Pat.



Between the two of them,

I couldn't make a false move.



Good morning.



You may think dental elves come in

at night and do the paperwork...



but believe me,

it is no picnic running an office...



when the dentist isn't even here.



You're the only dental elf here. We

both know I couldn't do it without you.



And don't try

to butter me up either.



Now, the MacArthur--



The MacArthur twins

will be here in    minutes...



so I suggest you put down

that coffee and get to work.



Who's up?



New patient, Susan Ivey, room three.



Room three it is,

and I'll see you at lunch, darling Pat.



Looks pretty perfect, doesn't it?

I thought it was too.



Yet somehow I couldn't shake the feeling

that perfect was just an illusion.



And then I turned the corner,

and there she was.



I'm sorry I'm late.

I had a little--



Little, Doctor?



Had a little car trouble.

So, what can I do for you?



It's my tooth.

I woke up last night screaming.



I thought somebody

was hammering a nail into my jaw.



All right, well,

let's have a look.



- Anything the matter?

- No, it was the perfume.



Sorry about that.

I was so frazzled...



I spilled it all over myself.



That's all right.



I'll survive.



All right,

let's take a look, shall we?



You're not gonna hurt me,

are you, Doctor?



- Of course not.

- Promise me.



All right, I promise.



Open up.



- You see something?

- As a matter of fact, yes.



You have a bad tooth there.

Definitely needs a root canal.



I knew something was wrong.



I have some time this afternoon.

After lunch all right?



No, sorry, I can't today.

How about tomorrow?



It would have to be

in the morning, say,  :  ?



-  :   would be fine.

- All right.



One more thing. Can I have something

for the pain? I can hardly think.




Give this a try.



- Two every four hours.

- Thanks.




No, this I'm allergic to.



What really worked before

was this other thing--



I forget the name.

Dem-- Dem-- Dem-- something.



- Demerol?.

- Right. That's it. Demerol.



That worked really well.



I'm sorry.

I'm not that kind of dentist.



What kind of dentist?



You know the kind.

I could lose my license.



My last dentist

prescribed it to me all the time.



Then get it from him.



Please, Doctor.



You promised it wouldn't hurt.



Five tablets.









Five will do.



I trust people,

but I'm no dummy.



I knew she was scamming me, and I

should have thrown her out right then...



but I didn't.



You see,

that's the nature of attraction.



You find yourself doing things,

and you have no idea why...



but you do them anyway.



Good night, Dr. Frank.

Don't stay too late.



- Good night, Pat.

- You have a  :   tomorrow.



All right, I promise.



- Good night.

- Good night.



- Dr. Sangster.

- Hiya, Doc.



Wayne Ponce, Lincoln Pharmacy.

Got a scrip here.



Name's Susan Ivey.



- Is she yours?

- That's right. Scrip for Demerol.



Fine. Hang on.






She's a looker, huh?



Yeah, I guess.

Well, good night.



By the way,

   tabs is way over the limit.



Next time I won't fill it.



- You mean five.

- No, I mean fifty.



That's what it said--

"Demerol,   . "



- Put her on a minute, would you?

- She's gone.



If she's gone, why are you calling me

to check on a prescription?



Look, friend,

I've got a business to run here.



So while you were yammering,

I rang her up.



Now, if you've got a problem,

you better tell me...



so I can call the authorities.



No problem.



Good night.



- Problem ?

- No problem.



Just a pharmacist checking

on a scrip. You leaving?



Yeah, if that's okay. I've got to

pick up my gi at the cleaners.



I have tae kwon do tomorrow night.

Wanna come?



No, thanks.



You sure?

The exercise might do you good.



You saying I'm out of shape?



Let's just say

you could tone up a bit.



Just a little bit.

See you tonight.



Good night.



Tell you what.



Maybe I have a better idea.



I thought we talked about that.

Not in the chair.



You sure? You never know.

You might like it.



I'm not here to fulfill

your secret fantasies.



But tonight...



if you're good, in bed.



It was the first time

I'd ever lied to Jean.



Lying is a lot like

tooth decay really.



A particle of food becomes embedded

behind a tooth...



and there it sits,

working its way in behind the enamel...



rotting it from the inside out...



until there 's nothing left

to do but pull it.



One small lie...



and everything unravels from there.



Jesus Christ.



I painted your fucking

cabinets for ya.



Get up!



Just give me a minute.



Come on.

Give me your hand.



- Come on. Help me.

- Watch the suit.



Help me up.



- Got ya.

- Come on!



I told ya, I can't get up.



What the hell's

the matter with you?



I took some shit

from the cabinet over there.



- How many?

- I don't know. Five, ten.



- Come on!

- It's all medicine.



Right, you asshole?



Yeah! Who's the asshole now,

huh, friend? Come on!



They say home is the place

where when you get there...



they can't turn you away.



I guess for my brother Harlan,

I was home.



I'd never done anything wrong

to him, but somehow...



I always felt

I owed him something.



Give m e a couple of shots of Jack

straight up and two Rolling Rocks.



- One drink, Harlan.

- It's a reunion. Come on.



Make them doubles. Thanks.



This is nice.



Very nice.



You know what, Frank?

I blew it.



You didn't blow it.

You just screwed up a little.



Thank you.



To brothers.



One a success and one a loser.



Ease up on yourself,

would ya, Harlan?



You know,

I know I've been a real jerk.



Christ, I deserve where I am right now.

But that's true, isn't it?



I started off same as you.



Same parents, same genes.



Relax. I already said

you could stay.



If I follow the rules.



Hey, Christ. Maybe it's supposed

to be like this, right?



- Like what?

- You with everything, me with nothing.



But what am I going

to do about it, cry?



Sometimes you act like everything

just fell into my lap.



What, you mean like Jean?



You steer way clear of her, understand?

You just keep your distance.



Why doesn't she like me?



Why do you think?



Get out.

Just shut the fuck up!



All right,

I'll shut the fuck up.



You little fuck!

Get the fuck--



Get out of here! I don't wanna

see you around here again!



- All right.

- Get the fuck outta here.



- Sorry.

- Get outta here!



Fuckin' little guy--






Okay! Enough!

You won!






You fucking telling me to relax?



Take it easy, friend.



Friend? You don't want me

to hit him, friend?



- You my friend?

- Don't look at me, man.



Maybe you better get going

before the spaceship takes off.



- What?

- The cops are coming. Sirens.



You just got lucky.




Nice fuckin' friend.



The next day was a disaster

the minute I walked into work.



Please, call her!

She's driving me crazy.



- Mr. Smith is not having a great day.

- Let me take a look.



- We got a six-millimeter pocket on   .

- Let me take a look.



- Want me to irrigate that?

- Yes, please.



- Would you mind opening?

- It's gonna be fine, Dad.



Let's see what's in there.



Wait. Okay, yeah.



You got--Just let go. Ouch.



It's okay, Mr. Smith.



- Will you take care--

- I got it. Somebody's in three.



- This isn't the price you quoted me.

- What's the problem?



This is not the price you quoted me.



- $     for two veneers?

- That's our regular price.



- Can I get back to you on this?

- No, you can't get back to me.



- Here. It's gone. The bill is--

- He didn't mean that.



- You still owe that.

- No, I don't.



- What's the problem here?

-Joyce has a problem.



- Here we are.

- Your glove.



Now, what is the problem?



Not set. Okay.

We got a-- All right.



Just pull it out like that.

I see what you mean.



That is tight.

That is tight.



I can get that-- Pull it.



Normally I don't mind when a patient

misses an appointment...



but this time I did.



Two, four, six, eight, ten.



- So what happened, Frank?

- When?



When do you think?



Was something supposed to happen?



Oh, I guess not.



What are we talking about here?



I guess you forgot, but we did have

a date last night. Remember?



Christ. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, sweetheart.



My brother showed up last night.



Your brother?

Are you kidding?



He painted my bathroom red,

and I found him out of it on the floor.



I told him

if he says one word he's out.



I made that very clear to him.



- He's staying with you?

- Yeah.



After what he did?

He practically molested me.



But he was drunk.



He's my brother.

I just can't put him out.



Everything is gonna be fine.

Everything is gonna be all right.



Come on.

Give me a smile, please.



Come on. Please.

I need it.



Hi. Hope I'm not late.



For what?



My appointment, silly.



I hope you don't mind, but I brought

a few things. I can't stand pain.



Why are you shaking your head?



You were supposed to be here

at  :   this morning.



This morning?

I thought you meant  :   at night.



Look, I'm not giving you

any more prescriptions...



so you might as well go home.



I came here for you to fix my tooth.

That's all.



Now, are you gonna do this or not?



Can I at least have a beer first?



Root canals and beer don't mix.



Would you please not play with that?



You're really by the book,

aren't you?



- Don't you ever break the rules?

- No beer.



Lean back and bite down on this.



Bet you think you're

a real bad boy, don't you?



Do you want me to do this

or don't you?



Okay, bite down. Easy.



Keep your head still.



- Did you move during the X ray?

- No.



Put this back,

and don't play with that.



- Aren't you forgetting something?

- Sorry.



- Open up.

- Can I ask you something?



- Go ahead.

- Ever date any of your patients?



Please, no more personal questions.

Just open your mouth.



Can I ask you

a professional question?



If you absolutely have to.



Ever do it in the chair?



Tell you what.

Let's reschedule this for another day.



- Do I make you uncomfortable?

- As a matter of fact, yes.



I don't think you're very happy

with any of this.



Is that a fact?



Lean forward, please.



Tell me something.



It's  :   at night.

What are you still doing here, Frank?



Working on your teeth.



People's mouths are important to me.



And mine?



Yours too.



Know what I think?



What is it you think?



I think maybe you can use

that drink after all.



Oh, baby.



Come on.



Wonderful World of Hyenas.

You ever watch this?



- I missed it.

- It's hilarious. Where you been?



I had a meeting.



It went pretty late, huh?



You mind if I ask you

a personal question?



What's that?



You wouldn't be stepping out on your

pretty little fiancée, would you?



What do you mean by that, Harlan?



You blew her off two nights in a row.

I don't know.



How do you know that?



Well, she came by looking for you.



Let me tell you something.

Right now there is no greater wrath...



than a woman scorned.



I'm not answering.



I'm not.



About last night--



You a painter, Mrs. Langston?

Sally, get me two cc's Procaine...



and an ampule of

cocaine hydrochloride, would you?



- Right away, Doctor.

- And a half a dozen long swabs.



We're gonna fix you up in one minute.



Look at that countryside.

That's beautiful, isn't it?



- Have you ever been to France?

- No, never been.



One day.



I love this film.



- Holy shit.

- What?



Nothing, Mrs. Langston.




Just keep your eyes closed.

That's very important in this.



- What's going on?

- I'm just getting an instrument.



It's all part of the procedure.

It's very crucial...



that you keep

your eyes closed because...



it can affect the teeth.



I'm gonna go talk

to the doctor right now.



Excuse me, Doctor.

Could I speak to you for a moment?



Absolutely. I'll be right there.

Could you take over, please?



It's gonna be okay,

but we have a problem.



- I know, but we need to talk--

- I'm not talking about that.



- Has Harlan been into the office?

- No, why?



Are you sure?

You're absolutely sure?



Yes, definitely.

What's going on?



- We're missing narcotics.

- What do you mean?



I looked into the fridge,

and we've been cleaned out.



Wait, wait, wait.



Honey, that's not all.



- What else?

- There's a man here...



from the DEA.



He's in your office, and he wants

to speak to you. Here's what you do.



Just breathe.

Just let it go.



Let go, okay?

Don't talk too much.



Honey, you look good.



Dr. Sangster, Melvin Gelding,

Drug Enforcement Agency.



Our records indicate that

you have      cc's of Valium...



    milligrams of

cocaine hydrochloride...



and      milligrams

of various other narcotics.



- Is that correct?

- That sounds about right.



Excuse me for asking this,

but do you always keep...



such a large amount of drugs on hand?



Well, I do a lot

of reconstructive surgery...



and I also have a pain clinic

here on the weekends.



Mind if I ask why?



We had an   -year-old kid drive

his mother's car off a cliff last night.



- Be in a wheelchair for life.

- I'm sorry to hear that.



Yeah, really sad.






he was carrying this.



Any idea how he might have gotten

a hold of that?



It would have been so easy

just to tell him right there...



but then I never

would have seen her again.



I have no idea.



You didn't happen to

sell it to him, did ya?



- Maybe by accident?

- Of course not.



Super. You don't seem the type.



Would you mind if I just had

a teeny peek at your narcotics supply?



Well, actually, that's impossible.



Oh, sure.



- Could I ask why?

- They've all been dispensed.



We've had some of those narcotics on our

shelves for the better part of a year.



That makes sense.



In that case,

could I see the empty containers?



I'm sorry, but we don't keep

the empty containers here.



They're actually in storage.



Oh, boy.

This is a bit of a pickle, huh?



I hate to remind you of the terrible

predicament you'd find yourself in...



if we were to discover

you were selling drugs.



Well, I wasn't.

I already told you that.



Just the same, if you were...



we'd have to go ahead

and pull your license...



and then prosecute you

to the fullest extent of the law.



I'm sure you understand.






I'm gonna need

those empty vials, so...



I'll swing back in,

say, two days...



and you have them ready, okay?



Have a super day, Doctor.




I'll let myself out.



It's nothing to worry about.

It was just a misunderstanding.



Could you get me Mr. Rosenberg's file,

please? Thank you.



What happened about the narcotics?



That was my fault.

I didn't tell you.



I took all the stuff back

to the pharmacy last night.



You did?



Apparently, they recalled

the whole batch.



It seems they'd all gone bad. That's

what he and I were just talking about.



But I just talked to Pat,

and she didn't tell me anything--



Pat didn't know, because the call

came in after Pat had gone home.



We're getting

a whole fresh inventory tomorrow.



It's really stupid of me not to tell.

I should have told you.



- It was stupid of you.

- That's where I was last night.



I went to the pharmacy, and afterwards

I had drinks with the pharmacist.



I had one too many.



Well, I could tell.

I could smell it on your breath.



- Plus you look like hell.

- I know. I do.



- So, you think you can forgive me?

- No.



- Come on.

- No.



- I know you do.

- I know you know I do.



Honey, you need to get

that haircut today, okay?



- Remember?

- All right.



- I got lipstick on you.

- It's okay. Bye.



Now I gotta go wash my hands.



There was that decay again,

just like a cavity.



The lies were deepening,

and the rot was spreading.



- What do you need?

- I'm just looking for something.



- I'll get it for you.

- No, I can find it.



It's just a file.

You can keep doing what you're doing.



- Your handkerchief's falling out.

- What handkerchief?



Your little red hanky--



Don't you have anything better to do

than to watch my every move?



- I'm sorry.

- Fine.



I think I'll take my break.



I'm looking for Susan Ivey.

Is she there?



Who you looking for?



Nope. Jimmy, my son-in-law,

he was on last night.



Any way to get in touch with him?



Are you from the Alcohol Bureau?



- No. Just a friend.

- If you're just a friend...



how come you don't know

where she's at?



Any way to call Jimmy and ask him?



Well, there's a fight

on pay-per-view tonight.



- Maybe I can catch him at home.

- That'd be great. Thanks.



You got pay-per-view at home?



I didn't think so.



Jimmy? That you?



Listen, I got a guy looking

after a customer from last night.



A little gal.

She had a fur collar on her coat.



- Try the motel.

- All right. I'll see you later.



Try the motel just past the off-ramp.



The Golden Slumber,

I think it's called.



If it's the same girl,

he thinks she was staying there.



- I wanna play a little game.

- Yeah?



I wanna play a little game

where we dance a little bit.



Just a little bit.

We're not doing anything, just dancing.



Okay, quick.



I love you more than the world



What are you doing?

Stay with me.



I'm sensing, like,

you're pushing me away.



I'm not pushing you away.



Just don't want to do this anymore.

You're my brother.



Come here.

Why are you acting like this?



Please don't do this.

You know I hate this.



- No? Do you love me?

- Of course I love you.



- Then act like it.

- I love you.



I love you too.

Give me a little kiss.



Give me a little kiss.



Get away!



What are you doing right now?

What are you doing?



We're not doing this anymore.

You're my brother!



You be here when I get back!



- It's me, Frank Sangster.

- Who?



It's the dentist.



So, you finally made it.



- What happened to your nose?

- I bumped into the door.



Close it, would you?



I want you to give back

what you took from me.



- Sorry?

- You know what I'm talking about.



No, I really don't.

Did you lose something?



I'll tell you what.



Give back what you took and I promise

I won't say a word to anybody.



- But I didn't take anything.

- Bullshit.



Look, I thought you came here

for something else.



You better go now.



All right, enough.

Look, you're a drug addict.



You know it, I know it. Last night,

I had a fridge full of narcotics.



This morning they were gone.



- So?

- So don't make me call the police.



Go ahead and call.



Yes, this is Dr. Frank Sangster--



Okay, you win.



Susan, look,

I don't want to threaten you.



I just need the drugs back.



My brother took it all.



- Where is he?

- Who knows?



Selling it somewhere.



What's the drift?

You roll into town.



You line up a few dentists--

Or do you hit doctors too?



Dentists are easier.

They're dumber. No offense.



Gee, thanks.



Look, it's nothing personal.



It's just what I do.



- It's not like I like it.

- So why do you do it?



Like I said, I have a brother.



- Leave him.

- He finds me.



Is that what happened to your nose?



Don't try and solve my problems,

all right? I can do that myself.



Yeah, I can tell.



When's he coming back?



Who knows?



Maybe a day or two.



Listen to me.

You tell him he has two days.



If I don't get the stuff back by then,

I'm gonna have to call the cops.



- You going?

- I have to.



Could you just--



Could you just stay

until I fall asleep?






You know, you're kind of sweet

in a dentist sort of a way.



Gee, thanks.



- Know what I wish?

- What's that?



My brother--



I just wish he'd go away.



Just disappear and leave me alone.



- Know what else?

- What?



I sort of like you too.






That night, I couldn't keep

my mind from wandering.



Hey. Where are you?



- What do you mean?

- You seem a little far away tonight.



No, I'm right here.



It went out the window...



down the rain-slickened interstate...



to a crumbling cinder-block motel.



Oh, perfect.



Jean never knew the difference.



At least I didn't think she did.



- Dr. Sangster?

- What is it, Billy?



Scaler, please.



You have a million tiny hai rs

growing out of your face.



Do I?



Dr. Sangster,

I think you better come quick.



It's okay.



I know I'm not supposed to bother you,

but this man came in.



When Pat said you couldn't see him

right away, he started going crazy.



- Christ! Now shut up!

- I want you out of here right now!



- Shut up!

- Don't you tell me to shut up!



- You the dentist?

- That's right!



- You're the guy from the bar.

- What are you doing here?



- Now, you listen to me.

- No, you listen.



- I want you out of here right now.

- Shut the fuck up and listen to me.



I'm not gonna say this again.

Stay the fuck away from my sister!



- I don't know who your sister is.

- I think you do, friend.



- And I don't appreciate your threats.

- What's going on here?



Your boss here is making threats

to my sister.



What sister?



- Frank?

-Just shut the fuck up.



You have no right

to talk to her that way, animal!



- You shut the fuck up too!

- I am calling the police.



Look, just come back to my office.

We can talk in private.



I'm not gonna talk to you

in private, you fucking homo!



That's it! Please leave.



- I won't! You gonna make me go?

- Back up and get behind me.



You got a problem?

You got a problem?



Jean, take it easy.



You're tall.



- I like tall women.

- Then stand up. I'm sorry.



- That's enough.

- You're already standing.



Go back to the office

and give us a minute.



Don't even look at me. What?



Lay one finger on him,

and I swear to God I'll make you pay.



- Can't wait.

- Leave us alone a few minutes.



Give us a few seconds, all right?

Please! Please!



All right.

You better watch yourself.



Go away!



- What the fuck are you looking at?

- Just go in the back!



- Your sister told me what's going on.

-Jesus Christ!



What did she do?

Blow you? Fuck you a couple times?



That's what she does

to get drugs, stupid!



Perfect. Just what I need.

Harlan, get out!



Anyway, who gives a fuck?

It's a victimless crime!



How about beating her up?



Is that what she told you?



Just shut up. You do not know

what you're talking about.



You want your precious little vials

with your name on 'em?



It's too bad,

because they're already gone.



Yeah, fuck!

Jesus, you're stupid. Jesus Christ!



Wait a minute.



I don't ever, ever

want to see you again, okay?



Because if I do-- If I do,

I'm gonna have to hurt you, okay?



You understand? You understand.

I'm gonna take your pen, okay?



I can't believe you lied to me.



I didn't know if you'd believe me.



You'd think I'd suspect you

of stealing drugs?



I didn't know what you'd think.

All I know is...



the narcotics were there

the day before.



So you lied to me...



and then you went to this girl's

hotel room to threaten her?



I didn't threaten her. I told her

I wanted the narcotics back...



or I was gonna go to the cops.



Why didn't you just call them

from the start?



You know what happens

when you bring in the cops.



Suddenly the thing spins out of control.

I'm trying to protect my license.



- You're in some kind of trouble, right?

- No, I'm not.



How many times do I have to tell you

I'm not in trouble?



Come on.



- That guy really scared me today.

- I know.



That pissed me off.



We're never gonna see that guy again.

I promise you that.



- I'll call you tonight.

- Be careful.



- Bye.

- Be safe, Frank. Seriously.



Look, I'm just a dentist.



I'm just a dentist.



Look, I'm just a dentist.



Look, I don't think

we should see each other anymore.



I don't think we should see each other--

Look, just--



Just don't-- Okay.



Your brother came by

my office today.



I guess you told him

about me coming here.



Bad day today.

Really bad day.



You know, I've had

a lot of questions lately.



- Are you a dumb motherfucker or what?

- Shit!



Oh, shit is right,

you dumb fuck.



Didn't I tell you

I didn't want to see you again?



I made an honest mistake.

I'm leaving.



You're not leaving, because then

I would have made an empty threat.



I don't make empty threats.



Just stay where you are.

Stay back!



Are you gonna stab me?

Put 'em down before you hurt yourself.



- I'm serious!

- Put 'em down, you fucking asshole!



I'm gonna fucking kill you!



Hey there, pal.

What will you have?



- Shot of bourbon.

- Any particular brand?



Doesn't matter.



We got Four Roses, VO,

Jim Black, Seagram's.



- Just pour the shot, okay?

- Sure, pal.



- Three more.

- Rough day, huh, pal?.



That's right.

It was a rough day. Pour.



- Blood, sweat and tears.

- You said it.



I hate when I ruin

a good shirt like that.



- How do you mean?

- On the shoulder.



Believe me, pal, you're never

gonna get stains like that out.



- What happened? You cut yourself?

- Yeah.









Oh, my God! Oh, my God!



This wasn't me, Jean.

I didn't do this.



- Who is that?

- It's the guy from yesterday.



- Who?

- The insane guy who came in the office.



We gotta call the police.



- Hang on. Let me think about this.

- No! What for?



Goddamn it! Just put down the phone

so I can think!



I'm just not    % sure

they're going to believe me.



Of course they will.

Why wouldn't they?



I went to his motel room

and I stabbed him in the hand.



- What?

- He was coming after me.



- I can't believe this.

- Why were you stabbing somebody?



Would you just let me think

for a minute?



I could leave right away.



Then you really look guilty.



I could go to the airport

and I could get a ticket.



Frank, honey, you're scaring me.



You're acting like a criminal,

and you're not.



Okay? You're innocent.



-Joe, what do we got?

- No weapon found yet.



But definitely a shotgun blast

to the head.



Jimmy, put down that damn case

and give me a hand with this.



How long does something like this take?



Are the police gonna be here

all night or what?



Here we go. Great. Perfect.

Take that. I'll take those.



Thank you, sir.

One pair of men's shoes, size--



- Twelve.

- Size twelve.



Dr. Sangster?



Detective Larry Lunt.

This is your house?



- Yes, it is.

- I understand you found the body.



- I was coming home--

- Lance, come here.



I want you to meet someone.



What's up?



Meet Dr. Sangster.

This is the guy that found the body.



Doc, this is Lance Phelps,

the actor.



He's following me around,

doing some research for his next movie.



Looks like the real thing,

doesn't he?



- Ask him some questions.

- Okay.



I'd rather just speak with you.



Don't worry about it.

It's just research. Go ahead.



When did you find the body?



Well, it was about an hour ago.



- Did you know him?

- I've seen him.



- Where?

- In my office. I'm a dentist.



- He a patient of yours?

- His sister came in for a root canal.



- You screwing her?

- Sorry?



The sister--

Are you having sex with her?



- This is ridiculous!

- Go on. Pretend I'm not here.



I just don't want to talk

with this guy.



- Did you do it?

- No, I definitely didn't.



Then there's nothing to worry about.

It's just research.



It's not like he's gonna put it

in a movie, right? See?



Humor him.



All right.

No, I wasn't having sex with her.



Any idea who did this?



What happened to his hand?



No idea.



- He's lying.

- Look, this is not really right!



Hang on a second.



Not bad, not bad.



Only try not to show what you're

thinking. You're giving away too much.



I gotta show something...



'cause otherwise people aren't gonna

know what's going on up here.



I see what you mean.

Let's go over this later.



Go have a look around.

See what you find out.



Cool. Cool.



Not bad, huh?



You see, this is really great.

You're helping me--



I'm sorry about all the inconvenience.

We really appreciate the help.



That's fine, Detective.



We'll want to ask a few more questions.

Stick around for the next few days.



Does that mean I'm a suspect?




You said you didn't do it.



That's right.



So there's nothing

to worry about.



There is one more thing.



What's that?



Are these yours, Miss Noble?



Of course they are.

Where'd you find them?



Sorry about that.



Someone found them in one of

the doctor's sports coats...



and I was wondering--



Well, there you go.

Listen, I got to run.



You two take it easy...



and thanks again for your help.



Are they hers, Frank?

The girl from the motel?.



Are they hers?



Yeah. I'm sorry.



Okay, Frank, you know what?

I'm gonna go home.



For the first time...



it occurred to me that

I'd been living the wrong life.



I didn't belong here with the schedules

and the cavities and the appointments.



I was supposed to be somewhere else.



This is a bit of a pickle.



I went and had a chat

with Wayne Ponce...



the pharmacist at Lincoln Pharmacy.



He said he called here

about a prescription--



I'm not here.






Lily Pons, forensic investigator

from last night?



Oh, yeah. Hello.



Could you give me a hand?



- Sure.

- Good.



- What are you doing in the Dumpster?

- Nothing much. Just routine.



Poking around, you know.






All right, come on.

Let's go inside.



- Inside?

- Yeah.



If you don't mind.

It'll just take a moment.



You run a nice operation here, Doc,

nice and tight.



- That's the way we like it.

- I bet you do.



- Doctor--

- Not right now, Sally.



- I just have a question--

- No smoking.



- We have extremely flammable gas.

- Don't we all.



He's gone.



- Pat, who's up next?

- Andrew Payne at   :  .



- Ask him to take his time coming in.

- Will do.



- How can I help you?

- I'm gonna need your teeth.



- Sorry?

- Teeth.



I need a set of impressions.



- What for?

- It's just routine.



It doesn't sound

very routine to me.



- Are you a forensic pathologist?

- All right.



We have a perfectly good set

of impressions already made.



- You can use those.

- Sorry. I need a new set.



Look, I don't want to offend you,

but I have a practice to run here.



I understand. I do.

But all the same, I need a new set.



So, do you want to get one of

your people to do it or should I?.



- Can I leave for three minutes?

- Suit yourself.



Would you consider yourself

a biter?



- What?

- You know.



Like to bite or chew things?



No. What are you talking about?



Mind if I ask you

a personal question?



Go ahead.



Is it possible that

you have any peccadillos...



let's say, that you might want

to tell me about?






Little sins.



Maybe that's all I was guilty of.

And all I had to do...



was straighten everything out

once and for all.



- Leave me alone!

- Susan!



I mean, I don't understand.



- Why would he--

- Listen. Listen.



He doesn't want you

to go to the cops.



Are you a guest here

with us tonight, sir?



Not exactly.



- Would you follow me, please?

- What for?



So we can call the police.



- You misunderstand. I'm a dentist.

- Let's go.



I do understand.



- Come on. Let's go.

- All right, all right.



- Get you outta here.

- Listen.



Would you take $    to let me go?



- How much?

- A hundred.



Yes, I would.



Where is he?

I saw him in here.



I didn't ask you to kill him.

I only said I wish he'd disappear.



- Harlan, get out here.

- You killed him!



- I saw him in here five minutes ago.

- My brother, idiot, not yours.



- You know I didn't do it.

-Just admit it.



I told you I wanted him gone,

so you did it.



- You know what? I think you killed him.

- Liar! You killed him, you killed him!



Stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it.



What was he doing here?



- He came to tell me.

- Tell you what?



What you did.



Harlan told you

I'd murdered your brother?



I didn't.



- Did you?

- No.



What else did he say?



He told me that I should

get you to get me money...



so I wouldn't go to the cops.



How did you meet him? Harlan?



We were in Detroit.



Duane was gone,

so I went down to the bar.



And there he was.



We drank some and then...



we went up to my room and...



did some drugs.



What else?



Told me about you.



Said you had

a lot of narcotics on hand.



Did Harlan know

about your brother?



Didn't want them to meet. Duane

gets jealous when I talk to other men.



Why is that?



Because he does, okay?






Why are you

looking at me like that?



So Harlan steered you

right into me?



Don't think he likes you

very much.



I guess he doesn't.



But for some stupid reason...



I guess I do.



Area police

have linked a local dentist...



to the grisly slaying

of a Detroit local.



Dr. Frank Sangster of Mervin's Grove

is being wanted now...



in connection with

the brutal murder of Duane Ivey.



Police discovered Ivey's body today in

the dentist's multimillion-dollar home.






If you have any information on

the whereabouts of Dr. Frank Sangster...



please call the Mervin Grove

crime hot line--



- Who is it?

- Police.



Just a minute.



Getting dressed.



Ms. Ivey, Detective Lang

with the Chicago Police Department.



You can't just barge

into my bathroom.



At least let me clean up

a little.



Five, four, three, two, one.



Okay, that's it.

I'm coming in.



See? No one here.



- If you don't have a warrant--

- Shut it, or I'll shut it for you.



Sit down and watch your mouth.



I love your ass.



Pinch it.



Cover that front door

like I told you.



You talking to us?

Sorry, the dog's barking.



What'd you say?



You guys cover that front entrance

and shut up this goddamn dog.



Don't make me come down there.



Sorry. We didn't hear you.



- Could you repeat that?

- I'm coming down there.



Move this car

to the front entrance.



We're only doing

what our supervisor asked.



I'm telling you to move this car

to the front entrance.



What the--



Oh, shit.



This feels like novocaine.



All right, pal, on your feet.

This ain't no country club.



You got a lady--



Oh, shit.



- You got a handkerchief?

- Sorry?



A handkerchief.

My damn nose is bleeding again.



- No, I don't.

- Crap.



Let's go.

You got a visitor.



Hey there, Chopper.



Your girlfriend's waiting for you.



Frank, what the hell

is going on?



Apparently, I'm being held for murder.

Pretty funny, huh?



No, Frank, it's not.



What happened to your face?



I fell.



Did they beat you up, Frank?



- If I find out, I'll kick the shi--

- Nobody beat me up. I fell.



I don't know

why I should even care.



How could you do that to me?



- I'm the one in jail, not you.

- Is that my fault?



Someone is trying to set me up.



Tell your friend with the red panties.

I'll bet she knows more than I do.



All right, you two, calm down.



There's plenty of time

to argue about this later.



Like the next    years.

Ain't that right, Chopper?




Why do you keep calling me that?



Why do you think, bitey boy?



Don't try to pretend.

We already got the teeth marks.



What teeth marks?



The marks you left

all over the body.



Chewed him up real good,

didn't you, Chopper?



- Shut up, Howard.

- You shut up, Andy.



Will you both shut up.

We're trying to speak. Thank you.



What is it?



That's why she wanted

the impressions.



That's it.

The visit's over.



Wait a second.

You said    minutes.



Sorry. You said shut up.



Say good-bye.



- Where are you taking him?

- Arraignment.



Call Mike. Have him get me a lawyer.

Will you do that?



Sorry. Can't go in there.

Closed hearing.



I'm supposed to get this one

to arraignment.



Gonna be at least

   more minutes.



Some mob guy in there.

Have a seat.



Listen, pal.



Stay right there.



Do not move. Get me?



Wow, am I glad to see you.



- How's it going, man?

- Fine.



I was just sitting in

on an interrogation.



Good shit.

All totally usable.



- Have you seen Lunt?

- Not yet.



- You haven't heard?

- Heard what?



Oh, man.

They called from the studio.



We're totally green-lit.

We're going ahead with the picture.



- Gee, that's really great.

- You're fucking "A" right it's great.



It's an amazing part.






Could I ask you some more questions

like the other day?



- Forget it.

- Oh, come on, man.



Yours is the best case.

You would really be helping me out.






Frankie, you do this for me, man,

and I will never forget it.



That is a Lance Phelps promise.



- Not right now.

- I'll take you across the street.



I'll buyout a latte.

Fifteen minutes, tops.



- You mean right now?

- Fifteen minutes.



Right across the street.



All right,

but only for    minutes.



Thank you.






You are not gonna regret this,

I swear to God.



I don't wanna just act like a cop.

I wanna eat, drink and shit like a cop.



Hold it, guys.



- I can't let you out of here.

- What's up?



Till I get your autograph.



God, I knew it.

This guy's Lance Phelps.



I've seen every one

of your movies.



- I love this guy.

- Thanks.



Is he somebody?



This guy? No, no.



Lay off the Twinkies, all right?

Nobody likes a fat cop.



So I'm mulling it over

in my head, you know...



and I'm thinking, no way.



There's no way that you did it.



Of course not,

because it's way too obvious.



- The audience would never believe it.

- What audience?



You know. You know.

Like if this was a movie.



- This is not a movie. It's real life.

- I know that.



- But do they know that?

- Who?



You know, the audience.



Hey, I'm gonna go

make a phone call.



I'll meet you in there in two minutes.

Just order for me.



- I wish I had my cell.

- I'll just use the pay phone.



-Order me a coffee. I'll be right there.

-Okay, cool, but listen.



Don't say my name when you come in.

I don't want anybody to know it's me.



Okay. See you, Lance.



- Where are you going?

- I thought they caught you.



- I got away.

- Isn't that great?



- Listen, I need your help.

- You're shit out of luck, then.



What's the problem here?



You want to know the problem?

I've had cops in my face for    hours.



- Like I haven't?

- Shut up!



I'm out of drugs, I'm out of money, I'm

sick of living in shitholes like this.



On top of which,

my brother is dead and you killed him.



- You know I didn't--

- Drop the act.



They identified your teeth marks.

It's all over the news.



Someone is setting me up.



Bullshit. They already

made a positive ID.



Get down.



- Did they see me?

- Don't know.



Get in the trunk.

Get in the trunk!



I'd like to ask you

a couple of questions.



Just ask your pals

down at the station.



They already know everything.



Have you seen this man

since your brother was killed?



Like I told the other officers,

I don't even know the man.



- Going somewhere?

- Yep.



- Where?

- Michigan.



Have an uncle there.

Needs some help in his restaurant.



Well, now, Ms. Ivey...



how would you like to stick around,

just in case he decides to show up?



Gee, I wish I could...



but my uncle's

already expecting me.



I should probably get started.

It's a long drive.



I'll tell you what.



You stick around...



and I won't arrest you.



Look at this piece of crap.



They don't make 'em

like they used to, do they?









Yeah, well, I am.



I'm gonna go down

to the rib house on the corner.



You're gonna stay put.



- I have to, right?

- Exactly.



Don't make me come after you.

You hear?



Get up. Come on.



We don't have much time.



Come on, come on.

This way. Quick. Quick.



Oh, Christ!



- You okay?

- Some water.



Here, here. Drink it.






here's    bucks.



- That's all I got. Take it and go.

- I'm not leaving without you.



That cop is gonna be back here

any second.



- We have a thing.

- We don't have a thing.



We fucked.

There's a difference.



That's not true,

and you know it.



Christ, here he comes.

Get under the bed, quick!



What are you doing?




I take yoga.



So, he come back

while I was gone?



Lucky him.

Tell you what, though.



Guy ever shows up,

he's dog chow.



- You wouldn't believe the evidence.

- What evidence?



Well, you already know

about the teeth marks.



Now they got a pair of scissors.

Somebody sent 'em in the mail.






Used to stab your brother in the hand.

They got seven clean prints off 'em.




You didn't tell me that.



Plus the fact the guy was clearly

selling drugs right out of his office.



He's dead meat.



Oh, yeah.

This bed's pretty nice.



Okay, come on.



Give me   reason why I shouldn't scream

and wake up that fat piece of shit.



- Because you know the truth.

- What about all the other evidence?



Where'd that come from?




Honestly, I don't know.



- Did you stab him?

- Yes, but only in the hand.



You gonna help me or not?



You're unbelievable.

Why should I?.



Because you like me.



And you're tired of lying and stealing

for drugs. Is that what you want?



- And you're gonna save me from that?

- That's right.



Get real. You're a wanted man.

They're gonna hunt you down.



No, they're not,

because you're gonna help me.



Look at me.



Take a good look.



I can't even help myself.

So how can I help you?



All you have to do is believe me.



Okay, Frank, you win.



- What do you want me to do?

- Let's get outta here.






Go ahead. Wait, wait.



Yeah, yeah, okay.



Aunt Wilene's Denture Cream

holds all day long...



giving your dentures a bond

with real staying power.



Thanks to Aunt Wilene.



Just add a few drops of Aunt Wilene 's

Denture Cream and you're good to go...



secure in the knowledge

that your dentures will hold.



Where are we?



This is Jean's house.



- What are we doing here?

- We're looking.



For what?






Didn't you wonder why she wanted

dentures of your teeth?



She told me she wanted

to learn to make dentures.



Weren't you just

a tiny bit suspicious?



No. She was very meticulous

about her work.



Look around,

see if you see anything.



Probably hidden

in some weird place.



Good God.

Is this woman anal, or what?



Bet she makes

a hell of a tuna casserole.



That's Jean, all right.

Likes to keep things in strict order.



She's very, very...



very organized.



Wait. I know

it's gotta be something--



I certainly don't like

the look of this.



I didn't write this.



You don't happen to have any life

insurance or a will drawn up, do you?



No, just a--



Hold it, we did just set up

a new corporation.



Barbie's Bakery.

This is Mr. Muffin speaking.



Mike, it's Frank.



What's going on?

You're all over the news.



That corporation

you set up for the office.



Was there a rider or any fine print

or anything that said...



if I'm ever convicted of a felony,

then everything would go to--



Of course there was.



Don't be ridiculous. You suggested it.

I told you about it the other day.



- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.



- I did not.

- Maybe it was Jean.



-Just let me call Louise.

- No, no. Thanks. Thanks.



Let me guess.



She was an officer

of the corporation, right?






Next in line?



Don't feel too bad, Frank.



You're not the first--



What's wrong

with that stuffed animal?.






The bunny over there. It's--



It's grinning.



Jeez, here they are.



- Are those your teeth?

- They're mine, all right.



- Go out the window.

- It's too far down.



- Where?

- Here.



No, wait. The light.



The dentures!



Come on, Frank, come on.

She's coming up the steps.



Come on. Quick.



Yeah, it's me.



Wait. Just calm down for a second.

This is very simple.



Just bring it to the office.



I've got it all figured out.



Who's she talking to?



No, just bring the gun to the office.

We're gonna plant it there. Got it?






- You've gotta say something to her.

- We're gonna follow her to the office.



Oh, right.

That's the dumbest idea yet.



Yeah, I'm gonna talk to him.



What the--



Oh, shoot.



Yes, I'll be nice

to the little man.






Put it in a duffel bag!



You bring it to me in    minutes

at the office.



You. You.



Let's just get

away from here fast.



I've got to find out who she was

talking to. Shit! No redial.



- You already know.

- My brother wouldn't kill anybody.



- Here's another problem.

- What?



She took the teeth.



There's nobody behind us.



How about stepping on it

a little bit?



This is a '   shitbox, Frank.

This is as fast as we go.



Check it out.

Got the little man on TV.



Gross, Harlan! Please!

That has to be cleaned!



You almost hurt the little man.



- You just don't get it.

- Oh, really?



What is it that I don't get?



That's the point, Harlan.



If I have to explain to you

what you don't get, you don't get it.






There was a very clear plan.

A simple, perfect plan.



Yeah, we had a simple plan.



You made me go through it

eight million times.



Hold on. Hold on.

Look at me. Slow down.



Tell me again, one more time.

We're gonna--



Okay, I'm gonna go find this junkie girl

in Detroit, bring her back here...



get her to steal Frank's drugs

so it looks like he's sellin' 'em.



Good boy.



I did exactly as you wanted.

Found you the perfect girl.



You didn't do exactly as I wanted.

You brought back two junkies, not one.



And then the guy

showed up in the office.



Do you have any idea what you've done?

That's her brother in there.



- Don't look at me.

- Just shut up.



- I didn't bring him out here.

- Shut up!



Bring him to Frank's house tonight.



You got it, you dumb, stupid--



- You double-crossed me.

- You killed that guy!



Nobody was supposed to get killed.



- Take it!

- I don't want this gun!



Frank's gonna be here any second.

Just go!



Don't know how you got me

involved in all this.



Oh, please, Harlan! Face it!



You wanted what your brother had,

and you couldn't get it by yourself.



Why didn't you marry him?



- What?

- Why didn't you just fuckin' marry him?






I've taken care of everybody

my whole life...



and I'm fucking tired.



I have organized everything.

I have made everything perfect.



I've made everybody's lives

work smoothly.



I'm tired of being a caretaker!

Codependent no more!



Do you know how hard it is...



to be perfect...



when everybody needs you

to take care of them?



Has anybody ever done that for me?

Nobody's ever done that for me.



Nobody. Nobody!



And I'm tired of everybody else

getting all the stuff...



and me being left out.



I wanna be the boss! I wanna be on top!

Because I deserve it all!



And I'm gonna get it, and if you don't

understand that, you're a fucking idiot.



Right. See?

You keep calling me that.



But you're the one

who killed that guy.



Who's the idiot?



You're right.



I'll take it. Does that make you

feel better? You're right.



You're right.

All right.



I don't know. You know what?

I'm really sorry.



Damn right I'm right.



We both got screwed.



- Come here. We both got screwed.

- I'm sorry too, baby.



I'm gonna make sure we both

get what we deserve. Okay?



Go lie down.



You gonna take care

of the little man?



Did you take care of me? You remember

to bring what I asked you to bring?



Yeah, I brought it.



Okay, go lie down.



Come on.



Lay down in the chair.



Go on, get comfy.



Okay, okay, relax.



Just lay back.



I'm just getting myself ready.



What are you doin'?



I'm just getting organized for you.



- Come on. I'm dyin', Nurse.

- I know.



It hurts.



Just one more sec.



What are you doing--



Frank, this is a really bad idea.



Everything's gonna be all right.



The doughnut shop in an hour, right?

You'll be there?



I'll be there.



Be careful.



Harlan, what are you doing

in the--



Suddenly, there I was...



seeing it all

for the first time.



Oh, she'd set me up, all right.



Not just for Duane's murder.



She'd gotten me for Harlan's too.



My teeth marks

were all over the body.



Then I saw the solution.



It was right there in front of me.



Frank Sangster had to die...



and his whole, perfect world

along with him.



Strange as it may seem...



it didn't hurt

like I thought it would.



In fact,

with each tooth I pulled...



I felt a little better...



a little less trapped...



a little more free.



Until I felt so free...



that what I had to do

didn't seem so bad at all.



Over here. More water.



I got it. Good, good, good.



And early the next morning,

when they found the remains...



there would be

only one thing left-- teeth.



Frank Sangster's teeth.



Jean steered me right

in one way, though.



It was she who pushed

for flame-retardant cabinets...



for the videotapes.



Get in here!



I'm just getting organized for you.



Okay, let's look at it

another way.



We have you recorded on camera

shooting the dentist in the head.



Let's cut to the chase.

You know what we want to know.



I am cutting to the chase.

You keep asking the same questions.



- And you keep giving different answers.

- The truth.



And when you tell us

what the fuck we want to know--



- I'm being honest with you!

- Honest?



- This is verbal abuse!

- You know what this is?



This is the rest

of your fucking life!



- Let me go!

- You're not going anywhere.



You're going down to the fucking can.

That's right. Nowhere.



All right, this is fucking bullshit.

I know how to get this confession.



Get the goddamn ice cubes,

and let's start shovin' 'em!



They get really crunchy

when you don't cooperate.



Come on. Give it up.



Tell me what I want to know!



I'm gonna count to one!



- One!

- I never did see Jean again.



But she's an outgoing girl. I'm sure

she's made a lot of new friends.



Big Boy goes there...



and Fuzzy goes there...



and T eddy goes there

and Piggy goes there...



and Monkey goes there

and little Skippy goes there.



Susan and I...



we made it to the airport that night

and quietly slipped out of the country.



It took a little while,

but with the money from the book...



written under the pen name

Harlan Sangster...



we were able to buy a pretty

little villa in the French countryside.



But I'm not telling you where.



A few months ago, I slipped Susan

into the local dentist office in town...



and finally gave her

that root canal she needed.



She said it was

the best one she ever had.



I still believe

what I've always said.



The worst thing that can happen to a man

is to lose his teeth...



unless, of course,

he pulls them out himself.


Special help by SergeiK