The Nutty Professor Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Nutty Professor script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jerry Lewis movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Nutty Professor. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Nutty Professor Script



Miss Lemmon! Miss Lemmon!



Miss Lemmon!






Doctor Warfield!



Miss Lemmon, get Professor Kelp

in here immediately.



But, Dr Warfield, I think Professor Kelp

has a class right now.



He had a class. Can't you hear?



Now, get him!



Fire's up here.



Get the axe! Get the axe!



All right, men,

all together at the door.



Look out! Look out! Look out!



Oh, oh... I beg your pardon.



Oh, but this is terrible!



Oh... !



Oh... Oh...



Oh, my... !



Professor Kelp?



Are you all right? And if you are,

where are you all right?



Oh, my...



Dr Warfield wants

to see you in his office.



- Dr Warfield?

- Yes, right away.



I used too much...






How long have you been

on the faculty of this university?



Well, now, I would say, er...



...prior to my exposure as a student

councillor, USC, three years...



No, I went to post-grad,

naturally, two years... No...



I had a botany exposure

in one particular school...



I had decided, pre-med, botany,

whatever, I would prefer the sciences...



I think I should go

back to when I graduated...



How long?!



Two years and    minutes now.



Kelp, as I recall, upon your arrival here,



I told you and the other

new faculty members,



I will not stand for any member of staff

utilising the university's facilities



for his or her

own personal experiments.



Did I not make myself

perfectly clear?



Good, I knew my memory

served me well.



And Kelp, wasn't it approximately

six weeks later



that you conducted a rather interesting

experiment before your class?



Let me see... I think it had something

to do with an additive to gasolene



for the purpose of increasing

the efficiency of the combustion engine.



- Right?

- Yes, it was something to that effect...



Do you recall what that additive was?



Yes, as a matter of fact, now that

you bring it up, the additive was



  parts carbon,   parts hydrogen,

  part nitrogen,   parts oxygen.



- Which, of course, is...?

- Nitroglycerine.



- The results were...?

- Negative.



- And...?

- Noisy.






It was the worst explosion in the history

of this or any other university.



That was   years ago

and they're still talking about it today.



Now you mention it,

I saw young Phips the other day.



You recall Arnold Phips

was in my class that day?



Yes, really,

what did he have to say?



That he's feeling much better and

the bandages should be off in   weeks.



Oh, well, a couple... Exactly!

That's exactly what I mean!



You are a menace.



Professor Kelp, believe me,

I know what I'm talking about.



Kelp, it's human nature.



Kelp, people just don't like teachers

blowing up their kids.



Kelp, try to understand

that I understand



that scientists and creators

have their little eccentricities.



Einstein hated haircuts,

da Vinci loved to paint and Newton...



Didn't he have

something to do with figs?



So therefore l, too, realise that you

have many of the same eccentricities.



Leave them in the locker when you

come in in the morning, Professor.



And feel free

to take them home at night.



All right, Kelp, simmer down and relax.



I'm sure we won't have to have another

talk like this again. Am I correct?



Oh, without question,

you're absolutely...



...yes, we'll never

have to correct our talk.



We won't ever speak...



That is, we'll never have to talk again.

We just never will discuss talking.



Er, we shouldn't really

converse about speaking.



Professor, our discussion

has come to an end.



- Thank you, Dr...

- Kelp.






Your watch...



...does it...






Oh, no, just when I open...



Those are your greens.



Hi, how are you?



"Therefore, through history,"



"man has been curious..."



- Professor Kelp.

- Yes, Worfshefski?



- I have to go...

- You have to go?



Since when did you find it necessary

to ask permission to go?



No, well, what I meant to say,

Professor Kelp, was that...



...l have to go to football practice.



Football practice?



At this hour?

What about your studies?



Well, Mr Coughman, the coach,



he asked me to try

and get off my first class this morning...



Get off your first class?



Did he, now?

To get off your first class?



Mr Worfshefski, had you learned

anything in your first class,



and I refer to the elementary class,



you might not be

in such dire need of learning now.



Your request is denied.

Please sit down.



I don't want to hear another word

about your stupid practice.



You don't have no call to go yelling

at me like that, Professor Kelp.




I might have been a little rash.



That wasn't very nice

calling my practice stupid.



I meant I was stupid

in assuming practice was stupid.



Naughty, naughty, naughty.



- Teacher!

- Well, you shouldn't be upset.



W... W... Worfshefski,

you're breaking my...



There goes the tibia.

Worfshefski, you're... Worfshefski!



You must realise that...



You don't realise what you're doing,





you don't realise what you're doing.



Well, just don't do something, sit there!



Er, that is...class dismissed!



You may go.



Can I be of any assistance,

Professor Kelp?



Oh, er...



Thank you, Miss Purdy,

you're very, very considerate.




I would appreciate the assistance



for were it not for you assisting me

I might very well be here all semester.



Well, er, let's start with the book.



Yeah... I don't know, l...



You have to...

The, er...



Wait, it's connected,

you better not press that.



Just pull it out, Miss Purdy.



Oh, that really snapped.



- I'm sorry.

- That's all right.



- Try leaning.

- Oh, no, no, no, no...



Let me just...

Let me have this arm...



Just may I have that arm? All right,

now you just hold some of the body...



Thank you, thank you.



- Thank you, Miss Purdy.

- Are you all right, Professor?



Oh, yes, this is very embarrassing,

Miss Purdy.



Why don't you call me Stella,




I thought it was Stella Purdy.



Oh, you mean to call you Stella?

How stupid of me. Sorry.



I will, stupid... Er, Stella.



I'm very upset.

It's very embarrassing.



Honestly, Professor, you shouldn't

let a big ox like that bother you.



He's the typical bully

that loves picking on a small man.



Yes, yes, you're right, Miss Purdy,



but you'd best run along

or you'll miss your next class.



You're all right?



Oh, yes, as I said, I'm just

embarrassed. I'm fine, thank you.



Er, Miss Purdy...



Miss Pur...

Excuse me.



The, er...



He's a typical bully that loves

picking on a small man...



...picking on a small man...

...picking on a small man...



I think I broke myself.



Wrong way, sir.

This is the gym. I take it you're new?



- Well, I'm not brand new.

- No, I mean a new student.



I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Are you hurt?



Well, actually, if you would

say that a man with an ulcer,



a nail in his shoe and a splinter in

his finger was then struck by lightning...



If you could say he wasn't hurt

then I'm not hurt.



Good. By the way,

we don't wear glasses at Vic Tanny's.



Fine, I'll just take these off.



I didn't realise that

you're not supposed to, er...



There's nowhere really that l...

Is there some place I could put...?



- Shall I put these in a locker?

- I'd appreciate it. You're very kind.



I would've put them there had I known

that there was a restriction.



Some people use them for a fašade,

I wear them for eyes.



You see, "for eyes",

it's a play on "eyes".



I hope I did nothing wrong

by wearing them. I didn't realise.



If we could get started. I do have

a class and need to get going.



- Come with me.

- Wonderful.



I've never done this before.

I don't know where to begin.



We start right here.



Identical twins.



- No, that's a pulling machine.

- A pulling machine? What does it do?



- You pull it!     or    pulls to begin with.

- Oh, I see.



- And take it easy.

- Naturally.



I wouldn't strain myself for the world.

Thank you very much.



You're welcome. Er, happy muscles.



Yes, I certainly do.



Oh, yes, I've seen that

in those magazines.



Oh, that's invigorating.



Oh, that's terrific.



I'm going to have a great deal

of fun with this, I can tell.



"...the various aspects, of course,

is relativity to hydrogen."



"There is hydrogen, duly explosive

and more devastating than the atomic."



"There is equally the devastation

in nitrogen...nitrogen, equally..."



I couldn't help but notice,

I was standing here,



that that's amazing, the way

you push those things up there.



It must take a great deal of patience.



And a little muscle.



Oh, yes. Well, you certainly are...

Yes, you are...



I'd love to be able to... I would really

enjoy trying that some time.



I don't think

you'd have the patience for it.



I have the other thing you mentioned:

a little muscle.



I say, that was, er, sort of a corker!



Here, enjoy yourself.



I, er... I suspect

it was somewhat heavier than l...



- ...uncanny.

- I agree, Doctor.



But there are a couple of points

that I neglected to mention.



Specifically, the day I went

to Vic Tanny, I got on the scale,



as they normally do, to check you in,



and I weighed      pounds,

and then after   months,



I weighed myself on that very same

scale, and I found that I weighed      .



Very interesting, Professor Kelp.



But I am surprised that a man

with your education and background



should be intimidated

by a bully to this extent.



Plus, you must know, only some men

react to bodybuilding exercise,



whereas others just don't.



Professor, revenge can't be

that important to you.



I must take objection there, Doctor.



Revenge might have been

the motivating force,



but I feel that curiosity

has taken over where revenge began.



I am more or less being compelled

by completing something that I started.



I must finish what I start,

finish what I start.



I admire a man

who likes to see something through,



but your six months have failed.



- What will you do now?

- I actually don't know, Doctor.



That's why I wanted to see you.



I had one plan

and I thought I'd mention it to you.



Chemistry is probably what I know best,

that's all I know, really.



Some of the world's finest

pharmaceutical companies



make bodybuilding minerals, vitamins,

chemicals all based on chemistry,



so I'd approach it

from a chemistry standpoint.



To prove a point, I'll show you...



Oh, Professor, excuse me,

I seem to have run out of time.



I'm due at the hospital.



I'm terribly sorry, I never realised

the time. In fact, I have a class...



Go ahead, but I'd like

to browse around if it's all right.



Not at all.



- I hope you find what you're looking for.

- You're terribly kind. Thank you.



Let's see, anatomy, body structure,

structure of body muscle...



"Man's growth,

physically and mentally."



"A man's mind, from childhood

to old age, never stops growing."



"Not in size or by measure, but by

constant learning and knowledge."



"On the other hand,

man's body stops at a point,"



"that of completion of the anatomy,"



"yet we have learned,

through chemistry..."



" can grow further

with the aid of additional elements."



Seven weeks and     experiments have

gone by with little or no strides made,



but today I'm certain

my formula will work,



so certain that I plan

trying it on myself tonight.






Oh, I'm really...



Oh, Miss Purdy, I'm terribly sorry.

Just let me get you up there, dear.



That's just ridiculous. I never...

I just swung the door...



It's all right. You just knocked

the breath out of me.



- So stupid of me.

- I'm perfectly all right. No harm done.



- That's fine.

- Did anyone invite you for tonight?



Invite me? I don't think so... Where?



The class is having a mid-term party at

the Purple Pit. We'd love you to join us.



Thank you, it's terribly considerate

and kind of you, and I appreciate it,



and I've always said there

should be a closer interrelationship



between the student and the faculty

based on better learning,



yet the Purple Pit is off limits

to the faculty of the university.



Didn't you know?



Oh, I forgot. I'm sorry, Professor.



I guess it slipped my mind,



but the Pit has never been what it's

supposed to be, by reputation, anyway.



You know, l, too, have heard

it's a wild, terrible place,



when it's really just a quaint spot

where the students can talk and relax



and just generally get acquainted.



And when you really get

down to it, it's quite dull.



- ...broads.

- They'll be glad. You gotta do it.



Why not?



Stella, couldn't you talk Kelp

into coming?



Can you imagine the professor here?

He'd break into a rash.



Don't be too sure. Professor Kelp's

just the kind of guy who might fool you.



I bet he likes to get out

on his own a little.



I'll bet you right now he's probably

on his way to a secret rendezvous



with a mysterious, dark-haired female.



Come in, Julius.



Er, how are you tonight, Jennifer?



- How are you, Julius?

- I'm fine.



I am, too-lius.



Now, be very quiet, Jennifer.

We have a lot of work to do.



- Tonight's the big night.

- Keep very quiet.



He's got a lot of work to do.

Tonight's the big night. The big night.



Well, we're just about ready, Jennifer.



You might be ready, Julius,

but if I were you, I'd think about it.



Think, think, you'd better think.



Better think about it.



I told you, Julius. I told you, Julius.



I told you, Julius. I told you...



Thank you very much, sir.

We know you'll be very happy.



And you look just stunning.



And we'll have your other suits

and things no later than next week.



- What'll it be?

- Ah, that's no way to talk...



"What'll it be?"

That's no way to treat a customer.



Come here, try this. You'll feel better

and the customers'll be happier.



Try this: "What'll it be?" Try that.



Come on,

we haven't got all night. Try it.



What'll it be?



Good, that was wonderful. Did anyone

ever tell you you couldn't sing?



Nice. Make me an Alaskan Polar

Bear Heater on the double. Come on.



Say, why don't you pick on somebody

your own disposition?



Oh, please, Mr Barroom Brawler,

don't hurt me or anything like that.



- Did you say Polar Bear Heater?

- No, you did.



- I said an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater.

- I never heard of that.



Until now. All right, pay attention.



- Two shots of vodka.

- Two shots of vodka.



- A little rum.

- A little rum.



- Some bitters.

- Bitters.



- And a smidgin of vinegar.

- And a smidgin of...



You gonna drink this

or rub it on your chest?



Hey, that was terrific. Did you hear that,

folks? A regular George Bernard Shaw.



Good boy! And he did it all by himself.

You did it all by yourself without help.



That's terrific.

And with your own big mouth.



If you don't want the cocktail shaker

in your gums, shut up and pay attention.



- Is that clear? Repeat after me: I'll...

- I'll...



- I'll pay attention.

- I'll pay attention.



All right, let's continue.



- A shot of vermouth.

- A shot of vermouth.



- A shot of gin.

- A little gin.



- A little brandy.

- A little brandy.



- Lemon peel.

- Lemon peel.



- Orange peel.

- Orange peel.






- Some more Scotch.

- More Scotch.



Now, mix it nice,

then pour it into a tall glass.



I never tried this. Mind if I take a sip?



Go right ahead.



Not bad.






I don't know any better place



to get to know a lovely lady

than on the dance floor.



- I hope you don't refuse.

- I'm sorry, I'm with...



- Move along, sonny. She's with us.

- Sh! Sit down.



Come here, honey. Stand up a minute.

Just there. I'll be right back.



We don't want trouble, do we?

Sit like nice boys.



Would you like me to tell Dr Warfield, my

personal friend, of your bad manners?



He would be very displeased. So cool it.



If you're nice lads, cute little chappies,

later on I'll let you twirl my key-chain.



Now, relax.



It's all straight, baby.

Put your arm up there.



Remember how they do that in

the movies? They walk like high class.



Dancing, nice.

We're hugging. It's wonderful.



Clear the floor.



I know what you're thinking.



Where's he been all my life, right?



No, not exactly.



And that you're happy the way

I handled those three goons, right?



Well, normally,

I would have belted them.



But I didn't want to muss myself up,



and have you dance

with a sloppy guy. Dig?



Then, you restrained yourself,

just for little old me.



I knew you'd appreciate it.



I do a lot of nice things.



Is that really the case or is this

line   a for young college girls?



Aw, now, you see?

You went and done it.



One of the rare times in my life

when I dig down into the soul,



and you doubt my veracity?



Well, that hurts.



Well, it's not your veracity that I doubt.



- The music's stopped.

- Yeah, I heard.



Hold it a second. Hold... Hold it.



We'll make our own music, gorgeous.

Just hold it.



You and you stay.

Tubby, go rest your thumbs. I'll drive.



- Sweetie, go get your lips pressed. Split.

- Listen...



You listen. Sit down.

You'll be thrilled. Believe you me.



Sit and listen and watch.



Mood is wrong!



Innkeeper, got sexy lights?

Lay it on me.



Better. Better.

Now, watch, baby.



Every move a picture.



Back. Back! Thank you, kiddies.

You're all very nice little boys and girls.



If you're real nice, tomorrow night I might

ration out a little more of this rare talent.



Now, back to your seats, back.

Go on, go on.



Back, back, back.



They're nice kids, all nice.

All nice kids.



They have very good taste, I might add.



I'm glad. It would be a shame to waste

the genius of yours on the riff-raff.



Honey, I always say,

if you're good and you know it,



why waste time

beating around the bush, true?



And I always say that to love yourself

is the beginning of a lifelong romance,



and after watching you, I know you

and you will be very happy together.



Just a minute, sweetheart.

I don't recall dismissing you.



You rude, discourteous egomaniac.



You're crazy about me, right?



This morning, looking in the mirror,



I enjoyed what I saw so much,

I couldn't tear myself away.



Have some, baby?



If I were your baby,

I'd be swinging from a tree.



- Aw, Stella, that's not nice.

- How do you know my name?



Well, we were introduced.



No, we weren't introduced, or I would

have remembered your name.



Tell me how you knew.



You've heard of ESP, extrasensory

perception. I'm a firm believer in ESP...



Hey, buddy,

you really sang up a storm.



Yeah, I know. Thanks a lot.



Well, you heard him.

Everybody knows Buddy.



- Buddy?

- Yeah.



Well, is that it? Or do you find it difficult

remembering two of them?



Hey, you're kooky. That was cute.



"Do you find it difficult

remembering two of them?"




I knew you'd be a barrel of laughs.



No, I don't find it difficult

remembering two.






...Love. That's it. Buddy Love.



Buddy Love?



Of the Los Angeles Loves.

But that's of no consequence.



- Shall we make a move?

- Where?



- Do you have a car?

- Of course.



- Crazy. Let's split.

- Let's split what?



- Is it new?

- Not brand new.



- I've driven it a whole week.

- Nutty! Let's go.



Here, baby. Wipe the lipstick off,

slide over here and let's get started.



We have started and finished. And for

an encore, get an earful of the following.



I'll admit

you're a very sharp-looking guy.



And you certainly have

that proverbial gift of the gab.



I've only gone this far



because when you meet someone like

you, your curiosity gets stirred up.



Well, mister, this is one kitten that

won't be smitten by that little old devil.



So turn this car around and take me

right back where you picked me up.



That is, where we met.



I said wipe the lipstick off.



Was it something I said?



You must be deranged.



If you don't believe in idle chatter and

a lot of small talk, yeah, I'm deranged.



You'd prefer I conduct myself like

the little boys you usually date?



Nothing delights us more

than being enjoyed,



appreciated or just plain liked

by someone, right?



You're not going to tell me



that you're here with me now

because I don't appeal to you.



And I'm sure that you can see

I dig you pretty good, too, right?



Well, isn't it easier to say so?



Would you prefer

I used that phoney dialogue



I'm sure you've heard

at least a half a dozen times before?



So you see, Stell,



when I tell you that you're a vibrant,

beautiful, exciting woman,



you can believe me,

you can bet it's the truth.



Because I'd have to be a complete idiot

not to want to hold you and kiss you,



and make our time together a warm,

wonderful moment



that could grow and develop

into many moments, many hours,



and into something really important.



Nobody ever said anything

like that to me before.



Nor can I ever remember a more honest

approach to two people being together.



That's what I want you

to understand.



Actually, I've never had, er...


           , that is, er...


           , what I mean is, er...



Miss Purdy...



Hello, Miss Purdy!



Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Professor.



That's perfectly all right, Miss Purdy,

I hope I didn't wake you.



I don't recall excluding you from the other

class members from taking this test.



I'm terribly sorry, Professor,

I was just getting ready to start.



Oh, just getting ready to start.

Splendid, splendid. Just getting ready.



Students, please be aware that the test

papers must go on my desk for marking,



also please be equally aware

of tomorrow's problem:



H O plus NO 

as we did the other day, if you recall.



I'm awfully sorry,

and if it would be agreeable,



I'd like to stay

after my last class and take the test.



Well, that's highly irregular, Miss Purdy,

but, er...we...we're...



Are you all right, Miss Purdy?



I'll know better tonight.

I mean, yes, sir, I'm quite all right.



Oh, fine, then I'll see you tonight...



That is, after your last class,

as you said, to take the test.



- Yes.

- Fine. I'll hold your paper.



- Thank you.

- You're quite welcome.



Be certain that it's after your last class.



I'll be marking

these papers accordingly.






Ye... Ye... Oh, yes, Gibson?



- I've got that book you asked for.

- Thank you.



- My pleasure.

- Yeah, wonderful.






Now, then...



As you might very well recall,

yesterday in "Discussing Biology":



"The long legs of the beetle

and the wonderful body of the ant."



No, what I meant to say was:



"The beautiful hair

of the blonde fish."



No, actually... Er, no... "The legs..."



"...terrific looking..."



I am completely aware of what

chemistry and drugs can do



to assist and aid the body and mind,



yet don't really believe what's happened

to me comes strictly from chemistry.



There must be an explanation

for this phenomenon.



- Jennifer...

- Hi, sweetie.



I knew I was on the right track,

but I never figured on anything like this.



I must have hit on heredity. Yep.



That's it. Heredity. Let's see...









If you're not in here in     seconds, your

dinner will go to your family: the hogs!



Elm... !



Don't you sneak up on me.



I was just finishing the ironing

of your underthings, Edwina, darling.



Love... Angel...



And all the other nice things I wish

I could think of, so you won't hit...



...or yell...



- Honey...

- Honey?!



Don't you "honey" me, artificial son of a lizard.



Now, sit down,

and for the third time today,



make a slob of yourself

trying to find your mouth.






- Can't you eat with your mouth closed?

- Not until I get something in it, dearest.



What was that?



Nothing, nothing. It's quite all right.



You're right. You're always right.



My poor Dada.



My poor Dada.



Well, Jennifer,

if that's what's to be then I'll be it.



You know what they say, Julie-baby:

que sera, sera.



Oh, Jennifer,

you know what I'm thinking?



If this formula

were to fall into the wrong hands,



the consequences

could be devastating.



Now, it's much

too complicated to memorise



and far too vitally important to destroy.



The only two people that I know

I can trust are my mother...



...and my father.



What I should do...


            mail my formula, a copy,



to Mother and Father



with instructions

that were anything to happen to me,



they are to send a copy of the formula

and my original copy to Washington.



George or Martha?



No, Washington D...



You're a silly bird with a big mouth.



- Professor Kelp...

- Yes?



- I'm ready, Professor.

- That's very... Yeah... What?



Did you forget about my test?





Actually, no... I... I'm terribly sorry...

I did... I have it here...



Why don't you sit down

at your table and I'll get your paper.



I actually didn't, er, really forget. I, er...



I have so many members of the...



...class, it's difficult to...



Oh, yes, here we are.



It's very difficult to...



You do want me to take the test?



I'm terribly sorry, Miss Purdy.



Certainly, of course,

it's necessary for you to take it.



- Miss Purdy...

- Yes, Professor?



I was going to say, I sincerely hope

that you don't mind if I don't linger.



I have some very essential matters

that I must take care of.



Certainly, Professor Kelp.

And thank you for understanding.



I understand far better

than you would ever believe, honey...



Er, Miss Purdy, that is.



You just go right on

and thank you for...



Julius! ln the afternoon?



Hiya, chicky-baby.



- How's it going?

- Fine.



Crazy. I thought I'd visit your little land

of learning. Cute. Cute pad.



What happened to you last night?

What d'you run away like that for?



I thought you saw a ghost or something.



Oh, yeah. How about that?



That's why I stopped by.



I thought I'd lay it on you,

but this ain't the place to talk.



What do you say we meet later at the

Purple Pit? We could talk better there.



I don't know. You're pretty weird.

And I don't want...



- Sh, sh.     o'clock?

- Perfect.






Hey, honey, you look a little drawn.



Did you find it a little difficult going

all this time without seeing me? Sh, sh.



Don't fight it.



I don't want to hang you up, honey.

I see you're doing your little test here.



But don't worry, beautiful.

Science'll do fine without you.



But man needs you the most.

This man. Come here.



That's good for you.

If you want more, call for refills.






Write nice.



I just told you the time. It's still     .   .



- Yeah, I know.

- OK, kids.



You can all relax.



Watch where you're going, Mac.



Now that your desperate attempt

at having a good time's flunked,



have no fear, Buddy's here.



Let the good times roll.



Hiya, baby.



There's my date.



That sharp-looking chick's my date.



Cheer up, baby,

your prize package has arrived.



- Hello, stale ones.

- You're pretty late, Mr Love.



Hold it, baby, you got it a little mixed up.

You're just way too early, that's all.



Be a nice girl and plant one

over there. You'll feel better.



Come on, the best things in life are free.



And you'll admit, you've got one

of the best things. Lay it on me.



You're impossible.



Yeah, well, have some impossible.

Come on.



See, wasn't that worth waiting for?



You gotta admit, I'm not one

of the run-of-the-mill-type creeps



that hang around this joint, right?



You got a good thing, don't louse it up.



Isn't it enough that you've got

the swingingest and the best?



You want me to be on time, too?



- OK, OK, you win.

- Naturally.



Please tell me why you ran away

last night and left me just sitting there?



Hey, hey, don't get all riled up.

Cool it! Cool it!



I don't want to get into no discussions on

an empty stomach anyhow. This is flat.



Vampira, bring your kit.



You rang?



You don't sound exactly

too thrilled to serve the leader.



On the contrary, I find it a rare privilege

to serve His Royal Lowest.



You're cute, like a black widow spider.

Shut your mouth and just take the order.



I've decided I shall not continue

the flight with the fuel I got.



So give me a Boilermaker,

and heavy on the boil.



Go on, go on, go on. Come on,

come on, I haven't got all night.



She's crazy about me also.



Now, Lost Weekend Junior,

you've ordered your drink.



About last night. Would you

like to explain what happened?



I told you I was going to tell you. It's...



Why don't we table it a while, sweetie?



I mean, all the kids, they're

kind of waiting. It's Dullsville out.



I'll be back. You take five.

And I love you, baby. Mean it sincerely.



You wait for me, huh?



Oh, there you are, sweets.

Thanks a lot.



Sickening, isn't he?



But...he's got something.



And I mean to find out what it is.



I think I'll do...


            a tune that I'm going

to record for Poverty Records.



They're the only ones who'll have me.






I think that'll be it for a



Later, Stella. Wait...



I feel like the girl on her wedding night



whose absent-minded husband

goes home to his mother for dinner.



Where is he?



- What time is it?

- I think he's getting his watch fixed.



- Think he had an accident?

- Where is he?



- Ten to one he doesn't show.

- Hope nothing's wrong.






"One chemical,

having many individual parts..."



"...can always be broken down...

...broken down, always..."



" such a degree

that we never need to be in the dark"



"about the whys

and wherefore of their capacity."



"And, to me, carbon dioxide

has always been a gas."



No, I didn't mean... Yes...



Actually, it kinda swings and...



The formula needs to be stronger

to ensure more time.



Stronger...ensure more time.









Yes, Dr Warfield

would appreciate it very much.



Can I go right in?



...the faculty is always ready

to serve the needs of the students.



- I'm terribly sorry I'm late, Dr Warfield.

- Any time, Miss Purdy, any time at all.



Thank you.



Therefore, the success

or failure of the prom



rests on your shoulders as members

of the Entertainment Committee.



Miss Lemmon, will you send in

the proposed list of the entertainments.



Good, good, "The Lightlighters".

Wonderful... Love folk singers.



Who is this "Wickern and Wett"?

The comedy team?



Good, good, perfect.



I thought they'd split up.



Who's this "Buddy Love"?

What's a Buddy Love?



He's a local boy. He's just terrific.



- He's our new leader.

- Leader?



- He's, like, too much.

- Like too much what?



He's one of the truly

great swingers of all time.



Swingers... Swingers of all time...



It seems that you students

know Mr Love quite well.



What about the faculty members?

Anyone here familiar with Mr Love?



- Oh, he's the greatest.

- Do you know Mr Love?



Oh... Me?



No... I meant...

Well, I heard all the other students...



- Professor Kelp, I heard that myself.

- Yes, you did.



Anyone here know Mr Love?



Very well, in that case,

I will have to meet him myself.



Have him come

to my office at three o'clock.



Dr Warfield, we don't exactly know

how to get in touch with Mr Love,



on such short notice, that is.



What do you mean? ls he some

kind of roving bum or something?



- I've never heard of such a thing.

- I might see him tonight.



That's not good enough.

I want to see him today at three.



I beg your pardon, Dr Warfield, but l...



...l just might be able to see my way

clear, possibly, to contact this Mr...Love.



Professor Kelp,

I don't care who contacts him.



Just get him here by three o'clock today

or forget the whole thing.



Meeting dismissed.



- Where's your pad?

- About a mile from campus.



I have bought the craziest new drapes...

You mean my dictation pad.



- Sorry, I'll get it immediately.

- Never mind. What did you want?



Mr Love is waiting outside to see you

and he's a gasser...



I mean, shall I ask him to come in?



- If you can do so without fainting.

- Yes, sir.



You gonna make that

your life's work, baby?



Hey, here.



Mr Love?



Buddy to you. What's your moniker?

What do they call you?



Mortimer, Harvey, Norman, Homer?

Which is it?



You may call me Dr Warfield,

young man.



OK, Doc it is.



What kinda doctor are you, sweetie?

Sawbones, is that the idea?



Or a headshrinker?

I went to them once, you dig?



Headshrinker. Told me I had a dual

personality, split, schizo and all that jazz.



He charges me $    so I give him $   

and say get the rest from the other guy.



What's eating you?



Mr Love, I sent for you

in regard to the senior prom.



However, after seeing you, my door...



Would you think I was terribly rude

if I asked you the name of your tailor?



- That's wild. Absolutely gorgeous.

- Oh, you mean this?



- Just beautiful.

- Actually, it's just a ready-made suit.



You're kidding?



Well, sort of a handmade-to-order

ready-made suit off the rack.



Just magnificent. I think you're modest.

Is that the picture, sweetie?



You've got the perfect physique

and anything you put on swings, right?



Ever consider

going into show business?



- I did a few school plays...

- Nutty...



Girls backstage mob you, swamp you?

ls that the picture?



- Stay there, don't move.

- You might say that in my time...



Sorry, Doc. You all right?



Did you really do a job

in show business?



Anyone ever say

you got a Cary Grant-ish look?



Ever see him walk towards a girl?



Try that walk. Let me see, I'm just

curious. Walk like Cary Grant. Beautiful.



Beautiful. Sure you're doing

the right thing working here?



What did you do? Shakespeare?



- I knew it... Hamlet...

- Hamlet...



- Would you do it?

- Mr Love, it's been so long...



Would you do it for me, Doctor?

Come on, baby. It's gotta be wild.



- Go ahead.

- Let's see...



- To be...

- Hold it! Do it right.



Get on the stage.

Let me be your audience.



- The faculty... !

- It's the best thing in the world for you.



- Get up there and perform.

- If you insist...



- Let it out.

- To be, or...



Hold it. Let's make it a stage.

Let's make it right.



You're gonna be beautiful,

just beautiful. Lay it on me.



Am I in the light?



- To be, or not...

- Hold it! Do it right.



Be in show business. Hamlet, right?

You gotta play it all the way.



Hamlet... Here, put it on.

It's gonna make you feel beautiful.



- I feel it already.

- You'll play it like it's never been played.



- Go on. Let it out. Enjoy it.

- It's a difference...



- To be, or...

- Hold it. Do it right. Hamlet?



A prince? You gotta go

all the way with the sword.



You dig Hamlet. Do it.

Enjoy it. It's beautiful.



Beautiful. You've wasted your life

with this school jazz.



Well, I've often thought

of chucking it all...



- To be, or...

- Hold it.



Royalty is one thing, a crown.



Do it right. Hamlet. Do it right.



Have the crown. Be Hamlet.



It's the way it should be.

You've got the crown.



- I think I have it.

- Do Hamlet and really let it out.



You're beautiful.



To be, or not to be; that is the question:



Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer



The slings and arrows

of outrageous fortune...



- Oh, beautiful. Doctor, you choked me.

- I'm not through...



You choked me. It was gorgeous.

The prettiest thing I've ever seen.



- See you at the prom, Doc?

- Oh, yes.



- Behind the footlights?

- We'll have you there...



- I knew it, baby. You're beautiful.

- Carry on the great tradition of theatre.



- Practise that Shakespeare.

- At the prom, Mr Love.



To be, or not to be;

that is the question...



"Dear Mr Love: Looking forward

to your appearance at the prom."



"Here's to showbiz."



"You are to be a chaperon

at the senior prom. This is a must."



Jennifer, what am I to do, Jennifer?



Have you ever thought of taking poison?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, Julius, taking poison!






- Kelp.

- Yes, sir?



- Do you mind?

- Not at all. Do you lead?



I'm sorry. I did misunderstand.



I get carried away, what with the music.

It was a toe-tapper, I must admit.



It's rare to hear instrumentation these

days, what with folk singers, etc...



Would you care for some refreshment,

Miss Lemmon?



Thank you, I think I would,

but let me go. You don't have to bother.



There's no bother.

It would be my pleasure.



- Kelp...

- Yes, I'll have a lemonade, too.



- Kelp, will you get us two lemonades?

- I'm terribly sorry, Doctor.



I was again so terribly distressed

at that wonderful toe-tapper.



Well, zip and I'm gone.



Hi, Professor.



- Oh, Stell.

- Stell?



That is, Miss Purdy... I'm sorry.



How are you?

Are you having a good time, dear?



I'm having a good time, but...



...l'd have a much better time

if somebody would ask me to dance.



Cat got your tongue, Professor?



No, the punch bowl has my arm.



- I didn't realise...

- Let me help you.



Thank you.

I guess I'm just accident prone.



- Don't worry about it.

- I won't.



- Come on, let's dance.

- Oh, yes, all right. Let me leave that.



That sounds like a splendid idea.



I neglected to mention, Miss Purdy,

you're looking very beautiful this evening.



You must be looking forward

to seeing your Buddy Love tonight.



- How did you know that?

- Everyone knows he's appearing tonight.



Oh... Here. I guess

I'm looking forward to seeing him.



But I can't figure out why.



Well, he is quite good-looking,

is he not?



Oh, yes, he is,

but that means nothing to me.



He... I'm told he is a young man

with a very nice personality.



On the contrary, he's rude, disrespectful,

self-centred and discourteous.



Then it's not his nice personality.






I'm told that he's quite talented, though.



Oh, yes, he's very talented.

But talent comes in many forms.



I believe intelligence

is a greater talent than anything.



If Buddy has any real intelligence, he has

a fantastic talent for keeping it hidden.



I see, well, then, evidently, Miss Purdy,



whatever you see in this young man

it must be very well buried.



I think you're getting warm.



Well, then, perhaps,

and it's just a possibility,



he chooses to keep the inner man

locked up so that no one steps on him.



But he should know

I don't want to step on him.



Maybe someday

I'll get to prove it to him.



If he ever unlocks that inner man

and lets him loose,



so that I can grab him and hold him.



- I appreciate it.

- What?



That... What I meant was,

that's very nice.



Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's show time. Gather round!



We'll get the show on the road.



Before we go on, I'd like you

to meet some of the specialists:



there's Butch Stone up there,

you remember Butch.



My kid brother, Stumpy Brown.



Stumpy not only plays

the trombone, but also sings.



Butch Stone is known for

'A Good Man is Hard to Find'.



We've a great show lined up for you,

a few surprises...



Why do men

keep running away from me?



The formula...



- Jennifer!

- Hi, there.






My formula.



The formula.



Jennifer, you've eaten all of my formula.



- Excuse me.

- Oh, shut up, you stupid bird!



Then I can't suggest

you call your mother and father



and get them to read the formula

from the copy you sent...



Oh, what a wonderful bird!

Where's the phone?



Long distance will be area code...

Oh, yes, area code...



Sp... Sp... Splendid idea, Jennifer.



H... Hello, Father.



Hello... I say, hello, Father.



This is Julius. Yeah, l...



Julius... J... Yes, your son.



Would you be good enough, Dad,



to open the formula for me

and read it to me so I can mark it down.



Yes, I certainly...

Actually, I'd appreciate it, yes...



It's just going to have

to be enough, that's all.



Where can he be? I hope nothing's

happened to prevent his getting here.



He better get here or there'll be a riot.



Thank you. Thank you very much.



Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing the next performer



is one of the easiest chores

I've ever had.



Simply because this card

I'm holding is the announcement



that the performer

wants read exactly as written.



Makes it easy.



Ladies and gentlemen, presenting

the world's greatest everything.



The best dressed,

the swingingest performer,



and one of the nicest guys

in the whole world.



Here he is, the      

senior prom's answer to Don Juan,



Mr Buddy Love.



You're very wise.



If you'll hold it a second,

I'll thrill you some more.



I'd like to do a tune for you that's been

a favourite of the gang at the...


            should pardon the expression,

Dr Warfield... Purple Pit.



You dig? It's that old standard,

'Black Magic'.






Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm not usually at...



I'm not usually at a loss for words,



but if you'll just...



...bear with me a moment,

I think I might be able to explain.



It happened some time ago...



...being a scientist,

I just happened to have stumbled on...


            of the curious mysteries

of science.



I found myself...


            curious that

I was unable to just stop.






...l never really knew

what was going to prevail.



I do know now

that I should've left it alone...actually.





            is a very, very hard thing to do...



...particularly when you've found that

you've been able to do something



that so many others failed to do.






Actually, I have no

real defence for my actions,



other than...



...l had no control over

what I said or did as Buddy Love.



I can only say...



...l hope...



...l hope I haven't hurt anyone...



...hurt anyone.



I didn't mean to hurt anyone.



I didn't mean to do...



...anything that wasn't of a kind nature.



Learning a lesson in life is...




            never really too late.



And I think that the...



...the lesson that I learned

came just in time.



I don't want to...



I don't want to be something

that I'm not.



I didn't like being someone else.



At the same time, I'm very glad I was.



'Cause I found out something

that I never knew.



You might as well like yourself.



Just think about all the time

you're going to have to spend with you.









If you don't think much of yourself,

how can others?



That's what I found out.



Dr Warfield, I'm very sorry and...



...l like it here

at the university very much.



I hope that...



I hope that after you hear the facts,

you won't think too terribly wrong of me.



I love everybody here and l...



...l wouldn't really like to leave...actually.



Can I be of any assistance, Professor?



No, thank you very much. I'll...



I'll have to just try

and work this out myself, thank you.



Well, there's really nothing to work out,




other than understand that



just being one person is more than

enough for any human being to handle.



Do you mean that...



- Well, you have to understand that...

- Sh!



I'm only trying to say that I'd never want

to spend my life with anyone like Buddy.



Being the wife of a professor

would be much more normal and...



...much happier.



Oh, Stella!



See, l... I told you I'm accident prone.



That's actually...



"The psychological properties

of visual quality and quantity"



"can be represented conveniently

by a three-dimensional diagram."



Three-dimensional diagram, right.



- Oddly enough...

- Thanks, sonny...



Thanks for telling us

where our kid works.



- Not so loud, Elmer, dear.

- Loud? Who the devil's loud?



Marge, Marge, Marge, Marge.



Hey, class, how are you?

Good to be amongst.



Well, well...



If it isn't the square bookworm

we laughingly referred to as our son.



Here, bookworm, have a cigar.



Go ahead, go on. Pure Havana,

straight from Havana, yeah.



Cost us $   million ransom.

Pretty good, huh?



Good to see you again, Julius.



Mush and hush.

Mouth, mouth, hush, mush.



Here, now, back, back. Hush. Nothing.



Here it is, kids. Are you tired of being

a square? Tired of a dull existence?



Well, for one dollar,

the tenth part of a sawbuck,



try Kelp's Kool Tonic.



You, too, can be the life of the party.



He's right, kids, it's a gasser.



Step right up, folks.

Be somebody, be anybody.



- Sixteen bottles, look, here.

- Five...



Wait, wait, wait, Stella.



Wait, sweetheart, what have I done?



What has he done? What will I do?



I know what you'll do.

Do you have the licence?



- Yes, here it is, dear.

- What are we waiting for?



What about the formula,

what about Mother, what about Father?



What's done is done.

And we have our own lives to live.



Come on, let's go.



Yes, actually, Stella,

what's right is right, let's split.




Special help by SergeiK