Voila! Finally, the The Nutty Professor
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jerry Lewis movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Nutty Professor. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Miss Lemmon! Miss Lemmon!
Miss Lemmon, get Professor Kelp
in here immediately.
But, Dr Warfield, I think Professor Kelp
has a class right now.
He had a class. Can't you hear?
Now, get him!
Fire's up here.
Get the axe! Get the axe!
All right, men,
all together at the door.
Look out! Look out! Look out!
Oh, oh... I beg your pardon.
Oh, but this is terrible!
Oh, my... !
Are you all right? And if you are,
where are you all right?
Dr Warfield wants
to see you in his office.
- Dr Warfield?
- Yes, right away.
I used too much...
How long have you been
on the faculty of this university?
Well, now, I would say, er...
...prior to my exposure as a student
councillor, USC, three years...
No, I went to post-grad,
naturally, two years... No...
I had a botany exposure
in one particular school...
I had decided, pre-med, botany,
whatever, I would prefer the sciences...
I think I should go
back to when I graduated...
Two years and minutes now.
Kelp, as I recall, upon your arrival here,
I told you and the other
new faculty members,
I will not stand for any member of staff
utilising the university's facilities
for his or her
own personal experiments.
Did I not make myself
Good, I knew my memory
served me well.
And Kelp, wasn't it approximately
six weeks later
that you conducted a rather interesting
experiment before your class?
Let me see... I think it had something
to do with an additive to gasolene
for the purpose of increasing
the efficiency of the combustion engine.
- Yes, it was something to that effect...
Do you recall what that additive was?
Yes, as a matter of fact, now that
you bring it up, the additive was
parts carbon, parts hydrogen,
part nitrogen, parts oxygen.
- Which, of course, is...?
- The results were...?
It was the worst explosion in the history
of this or any other university.
That was years ago
and they're still talking about it today.
Now you mention it,
I saw young Phips the other day.
You recall Arnold Phips
was in my class that day?
what did he have to say?
That he's feeling much better and
the bandages should be off in weeks.
Oh, well, a couple... Exactly!
That's exactly what I mean!
You are a menace.
Professor Kelp, believe me,
I know what I'm talking about.
Kelp, it's human nature.
Kelp, people just don't like teachers
blowing up their kids.
Kelp, try to understand
that I understand
that scientists and creators
have their little eccentricities.
Einstein hated haircuts,
da Vinci loved to paint and Newton...
Didn't he have
something to do with figs?
So therefore l, too, realise that you
have many of the same eccentricities.
Leave them in the locker when you
come in in the morning, Professor.
And feel free
to take them home at night.
All right, Kelp, simmer down and relax.
I'm sure we won't have to have another
talk like this again. Am I correct?
Oh, without question,
...yes, we'll never
have to correct our talk.
We won't ever speak...
That is, we'll never have to talk again.
We just never will discuss talking.
Er, we shouldn't really
converse about speaking.
Professor, our discussion
has come to an end.
- Thank you, Dr...
Oh, no, just when I open...
Those are your greens.
Hi, how are you?
"Therefore, through history,"
"man has been curious..."
- Professor Kelp.
- Yes, Worfshefski?
- I have to go...
- You have to go?
Since when did you find it necessary
to ask permission to go?
No, well, what I meant to say,
Professor Kelp, was that...
...l have to go to football practice.
At this hour?
What about your studies?
Well, Mr Coughman, the coach,
he asked me to try
and get off my first class this morning...
Get off your first class?
Did he, now?
To get off your first class?
Mr Worfshefski, had you learned
anything in your first class,
and I refer to the elementary class,
you might not be
in such dire need of learning now.
Your request is denied.
Please sit down.
I don't want to hear another word
about your stupid practice.
You don't have no call to go yelling
at me like that, Professor Kelp.
I might have been a little rash.
That wasn't very nice
calling my practice stupid.
I meant I was stupid
in assuming practice was stupid.
Naughty, naughty, naughty.
- Well, you shouldn't be upset.
W... W... Worfshefski,
you're breaking my...
There goes the tibia.
Worfshefski, you're... Worfshefski!
You must realise that...
You don't realise what you're doing,
you don't realise what you're doing.
Well, just don't do something, sit there!
Er, that is...class dismissed!
You may go.
Can I be of any assistance,
Thank you, Miss Purdy,
you're very, very considerate.
I would appreciate the assistance
for were it not for you assisting me
I might very well be here all semester.
Well, er, let's start with the book.
Yeah... I don't know, l...
You have to...
Wait, it's connected,
you better not press that.
Just pull it out, Miss Purdy.
Oh, that really snapped.
- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
- Try leaning.
- Oh, no, no, no, no...
Let me just...
Let me have this arm...
Just may I have that arm? All right,
now you just hold some of the body...
Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you, Miss Purdy.
- Are you all right, Professor?
Oh, yes, this is very embarrassing,
Why don't you call me Stella,
I thought it was Stella Purdy.
Oh, you mean to call you Stella?
How stupid of me. Sorry.
I will, stupid... Er, Stella.
I'm very upset.
It's very embarrassing.
Honestly, Professor, you shouldn't
let a big ox like that bother you.
He's the typical bully
that loves picking on a small man.
Yes, yes, you're right, Miss Purdy,
but you'd best run along
or you'll miss your next class.
You're all right?
Oh, yes, as I said, I'm just
embarrassed. I'm fine, thank you.
Er, Miss Purdy...
He's a typical bully that loves
picking on a small man...
...picking on a small man...
...picking on a small man...
I think I broke myself.
Wrong way, sir.
This is the gym. I take it you're new?
- Well, I'm not brand new.
- No, I mean a new student.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Are you hurt?
Well, actually, if you would
say that a man with an ulcer,
a nail in his shoe and a splinter in
his finger was then struck by lightning...
If you could say he wasn't hurt
then I'm not hurt.
Good. By the way,
we don't wear glasses at Vic Tanny's.
Fine, I'll just take these off.
I didn't realise that
you're not supposed to, er...
There's nowhere really that l...
Is there some place I could put...?
- Shall I put these in a locker?
- I'd appreciate it. You're very kind.
I would've put them there had I known
that there was a restriction.
Some people use them for a fašade,
I wear them for eyes.
You see, "for eyes",
it's a play on "eyes".
I hope I did nothing wrong
by wearing them. I didn't realise.
If we could get started. I do have
a class and need to get going.
- Come with me.
I've never done this before.
I don't know where to begin.
We start right here.
- No, that's a pulling machine.
- A pulling machine? What does it do?
- You pull it! or pulls to begin with.
- Oh, I see.
- And take it easy.
I wouldn't strain myself for the world.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome. Er, happy muscles.
Yes, I certainly do.
Oh, yes, I've seen that
in those magazines.
Oh, that's invigorating.
Oh, that's terrific.
I'm going to have a great deal
of fun with this, I can tell.
"...the various aspects, of course,
is relativity to hydrogen."
"There is hydrogen, duly explosive
and more devastating than the atomic."
"There is equally the devastation
in nitrogen...nitrogen, equally..."
I couldn't help but notice,
I was standing here,
that that's amazing, the way
you push those things up there.
It must take a great deal of patience.
And a little muscle.
Oh, yes. Well, you certainly are...
Yes, you are...
I'd love to be able to... I would really
enjoy trying that some time.
I don't think
you'd have the patience for it.
I have the other thing you mentioned:
a little muscle.
I say, that was, er, sort of a corker!
Here, enjoy yourself.
I, er... I suspect
it was somewhat heavier than l...
- I agree, Doctor.
But there are a couple of points
that I neglected to mention.
Specifically, the day I went
to Vic Tanny, I got on the scale,
as they normally do, to check you in,
and I weighed pounds,
and then after months,
I weighed myself on that very same
scale, and I found that I weighed .
Very interesting, Professor Kelp.
But I am surprised that a man
with your education and background
should be intimidated
by a bully to this extent.
Plus, you must know, only some men
react to bodybuilding exercise,
whereas others just don't.
Professor, revenge can't be
that important to you.
I must take objection there, Doctor.
Revenge might have been
the motivating force,
but I feel that curiosity
has taken over where revenge began.
I am more or less being compelled
by completing something that I started.
I must finish what I start,
finish what I start.
I admire a man
who likes to see something through,
but your six months have failed.
- What will you do now?
- I actually don't know, Doctor.
That's why I wanted to see you.
I had one plan
and I thought I'd mention it to you.
Chemistry is probably what I know best,
that's all I know, really.
Some of the world's finest
make bodybuilding minerals, vitamins,
chemicals all based on chemistry,
so I'd approach it
from a chemistry standpoint.
To prove a point, I'll show you...
Oh, Professor, excuse me,
I seem to have run out of time.
I'm due at the hospital.
I'm terribly sorry, I never realised
the time. In fact, I have a class...
Go ahead, but I'd like
to browse around if it's all right.
Not at all.
- I hope you find what you're looking for.
- You're terribly kind. Thank you.
Let's see, anatomy, body structure,
structure of body muscle...
physically and mentally."
"A man's mind, from childhood
to old age, never stops growing."
"Not in size or by measure, but by
constant learning and knowledge."
"On the other hand,
man's body stops at a point,"
"that of completion of the anatomy,"
"yet we have learned,
"...man can grow further
with the aid of additional elements."
Seven weeks and experiments have
gone by with little or no strides made,
but today I'm certain
my formula will work,
so certain that I plan
trying it on myself tonight.
Oh, I'm really...
Oh, Miss Purdy, I'm terribly sorry.
Just let me get you up there, dear.
That's just ridiculous. I never...
I just swung the door...
It's all right. You just knocked
the breath out of me.
- So stupid of me.
- I'm perfectly all right. No harm done.
- That's fine.
- Did anyone invite you for tonight?
Invite me? I don't think so... Where?
The class is having a mid-term party at
the Purple Pit. We'd love you to join us.
Thank you, it's terribly considerate
and kind of you, and I appreciate it,
and I've always said there
should be a closer interrelationship
between the student and the faculty
based on better learning,
yet the Purple Pit is off limits
to the faculty of the university.
Didn't you know?
Oh, I forgot. I'm sorry, Professor.
I guess it slipped my mind,
but the Pit has never been what it's
supposed to be, by reputation, anyway.
You know, l, too, have heard
it's a wild, terrible place,
when it's really just a quaint spot
where the students can talk and relax
and just generally get acquainted.
And when you really get
down to it, it's quite dull.
- They'll be glad. You gotta do it.
Stella, couldn't you talk Kelp
Can you imagine the professor here?
He'd break into a rash.
Don't be too sure. Professor Kelp's
just the kind of guy who might fool you.
I bet he likes to get out
on his own a little.
I'll bet you right now he's probably
on his way to a secret rendezvous
with a mysterious, dark-haired female.
Come in, Julius.
Er, how are you tonight, Jennifer?
- How are you, Julius?
- I'm fine.
I am, too-lius.
Now, be very quiet, Jennifer.
We have a lot of work to do.
- Tonight's the big night.
- Keep very quiet.
He's got a lot of work to do.
Tonight's the big night. The big night.
Well, we're just about ready, Jennifer.
You might be ready, Julius,
but if I were you, I'd think about it.
Think, think, you'd better think.
Better think about it.
I told you, Julius. I told you, Julius.
I told you, Julius. I told you...
Thank you very much, sir.
We know you'll be very happy.
And you look just stunning.
And we'll have your other suits
and things no later than next week.
- What'll it be?
- Ah, that's no way to talk...
"What'll it be?"
That's no way to treat a customer.
Come here, try this. You'll feel better
and the customers'll be happier.
Try this: "What'll it be?" Try that.
we haven't got all night. Try it.
What'll it be?
Good, that was wonderful. Did anyone
ever tell you you couldn't sing?
Nice. Make me an Alaskan Polar
Bear Heater on the double. Come on.
Say, why don't you pick on somebody
your own disposition?
Oh, please, Mr Barroom Brawler,
don't hurt me or anything like that.
- Did you say Polar Bear Heater?
- No, you did.
- I said an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater.
- I never heard of that.
Until now. All right, pay attention.
- Two shots of vodka.
- Two shots of vodka.
- A little rum.
- A little rum.
- Some bitters.
- And a smidgin of vinegar.
- And a smidgin of...
You gonna drink this
or rub it on your chest?
Hey, that was terrific. Did you hear that,
folks? A regular George Bernard Shaw.
Good boy! And he did it all by himself.
You did it all by yourself without help.
And with your own big mouth.
If you don't want the cocktail shaker
in your gums, shut up and pay attention.
- Is that clear? Repeat after me: I'll...
- I'll pay attention.
- I'll pay attention.
All right, let's continue.
- A shot of vermouth.
- A shot of vermouth.
- A shot of gin.
- A little gin.
- A little brandy.
- A little brandy.
- Lemon peel.
- Lemon peel.
- Orange peel.
- Orange peel.
- Some more Scotch.
- More Scotch.
Now, mix it nice,
then pour it into a tall glass.
I never tried this. Mind if I take a sip?
Go right ahead.
I don't know any better place
to get to know a lovely lady
than on the dance floor.
- I hope you don't refuse.
- I'm sorry, I'm with...
- Move along, sonny. She's with us.
- Sh! Sit down.
Come here, honey. Stand up a minute.
Just there. I'll be right back.
We don't want trouble, do we?
Sit like nice boys.
Would you like me to tell Dr Warfield, my
personal friend, of your bad manners?
He would be very displeased. So cool it.
If you're nice lads, cute little chappies,
later on I'll let you twirl my key-chain.
It's all straight, baby.
Put your arm up there.
Remember how they do that in
the movies? They walk like high class.
We're hugging. It's wonderful.
Clear the floor.
I know what you're thinking.
Where's he been all my life, right?
No, not exactly.
And that you're happy the way
I handled those three goons, right?
I would have belted them.
But I didn't want to muss myself up,
and have you dance
with a sloppy guy. Dig?
Then, you restrained yourself,
just for little old me.
I knew you'd appreciate it.
I do a lot of nice things.
Is that really the case or is this
line a for young college girls?
Aw, now, you see?
You went and done it.
One of the rare times in my life
when I dig down into the soul,
and you doubt my veracity?
Well, that hurts.
Well, it's not your veracity that I doubt.
- The music's stopped.
- Yeah, I heard.
Hold it a second. Hold... Hold it.
We'll make our own music, gorgeous.
Just hold it.
You and you stay.
Tubby, go rest your thumbs. I'll drive.
- Sweetie, go get your lips pressed. Split.
You listen. Sit down.
You'll be thrilled. Believe you me.
Sit and listen and watch.
Mood is wrong!
Innkeeper, got sexy lights?
Lay it on me.
Now, watch, baby.
Every move a picture.
Back. Back! Thank you, kiddies.
You're all very nice little boys and girls.
If you're real nice, tomorrow night I might
ration out a little more of this rare talent.
Now, back to your seats, back.
Go on, go on.
Back, back, back.
They're nice kids, all nice.
All nice kids.
They have very good taste, I might add.
I'm glad. It would be a shame to waste
the genius of yours on the riff-raff.
Honey, I always say,
if you're good and you know it,
why waste time
beating around the bush, true?
And I always say that to love yourself
is the beginning of a lifelong romance,
and after watching you, I know you
and you will be very happy together.
Just a minute, sweetheart.
I don't recall dismissing you.
You rude, discourteous egomaniac.
You're crazy about me, right?
This morning, looking in the mirror,
I enjoyed what I saw so much,
I couldn't tear myself away.
Have some, baby?
If I were your baby,
I'd be swinging from a tree.
- Aw, Stella, that's not nice.
- How do you know my name?
Well, we were introduced.
No, we weren't introduced, or I would
have remembered your name.
Tell me how you knew.
You've heard of ESP, extrasensory
perception. I'm a firm believer in ESP...
you really sang up a storm.
Yeah, I know. Thanks a lot.
Well, you heard him.
Everybody knows Buddy.
Well, is that it? Or do you find it difficult
remembering two of them?
Hey, you're kooky. That was cute.
"Do you find it difficult
remembering two of them?"
I knew you'd be a barrel of laughs.
No, I don't find it difficult
...Love. That's it. Buddy Love.
Of the Los Angeles Loves.
But that's of no consequence.
- Shall we make a move?
- Do you have a car?
- Of course.
- Crazy. Let's split.
- Let's split what?
- Is it new?
- Not brand new.
- I've driven it a whole week.
- Nutty! Let's go.
Here, baby. Wipe the lipstick off,
slide over here and let's get started.
We have started and finished. And for
an encore, get an earful of the following.
you're a very sharp-looking guy.
And you certainly have
that proverbial gift of the gab.
I've only gone this far
because when you meet someone like
you, your curiosity gets stirred up.
Well, mister, this is one kitten that
won't be smitten by that little old devil.
So turn this car around and take me
right back where you picked me up.
That is, where we met.
I said wipe the lipstick off.
Was it something I said?
You must be deranged.
If you don't believe in idle chatter and
a lot of small talk, yeah, I'm deranged.
You'd prefer I conduct myself like
the little boys you usually date?
Nothing delights us more
than being enjoyed,
appreciated or just plain liked
by someone, right?
You're not going to tell me
that you're here with me now
because I don't appeal to you.
And I'm sure that you can see
I dig you pretty good, too, right?
Well, isn't it easier to say so?
Would you prefer
I used that phoney dialogue
I'm sure you've heard
at least a half a dozen times before?
So you see, Stell,
when I tell you that you're a vibrant,
beautiful, exciting woman,
you can believe me,
you can bet it's the truth.
Because I'd have to be a complete idiot
not to want to hold you and kiss you,
and make our time together a warm,
that could grow and develop
into many moments, many hours,
and into something really important.
Nobody ever said anything
like that to me before.
Nor can I ever remember a more honest
approach to two people being together.
That's what I want you
Actually, I've never had, er...
...er, that is, er...
...er, what I mean is, er...
Hello, Miss Purdy!
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Professor.
That's perfectly all right, Miss Purdy,
I hope I didn't wake you.
I don't recall excluding you from the other
class members from taking this test.
I'm terribly sorry, Professor,
I was just getting ready to start.
Oh, just getting ready to start.
Splendid, splendid. Just getting ready.
Students, please be aware that the test
papers must go on my desk for marking,
also please be equally aware
of tomorrow's problem:
H O plus NO
as we did the other day, if you recall.
I'm awfully sorry,
and if it would be agreeable,
I'd like to stay
after my last class and take the test.
Well, that's highly irregular, Miss Purdy,
Are you all right, Miss Purdy?
I'll know better tonight.
I mean, yes, sir, I'm quite all right.
Oh, fine, then I'll see you tonight...
That is, after your last class,
as you said, to take the test.
- Fine. I'll hold your paper.
- Thank you.
- You're quite welcome.
Be certain that it's after your last class.
I'll be marking
these papers accordingly.
Ye... Ye... Oh, yes, Gibson?
- I've got that book you asked for.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
- Yeah, wonderful.
As you might very well recall,
yesterday in "Discussing Biology":
"The long legs of the beetle
and the wonderful body of the ant."
No, what I meant to say was:
"The beautiful hair
of the blonde fish."
No, actually... Er, no... "The legs..."
I am completely aware of what
chemistry and drugs can do
to assist and aid the body and mind,
yet don't really believe what's happened
to me comes strictly from chemistry.
There must be an explanation
for this phenomenon.
- Hi, sweetie.
I knew I was on the right track,
but I never figured on anything like this.
I must have hit on heredity. Yep.
That's it. Heredity. Let's see...
If you're not in here in seconds, your
dinner will go to your family: the hogs!
Don't you sneak up on me.
I was just finishing the ironing
of your underthings, Edwina, darling.
And all the other nice things I wish
I could think of, so you won't hit...
Don't you "honey" me,
you...you artificial son of a lizard.
Now, sit down,
and for the third time today,
make a slob of yourself
trying to find your mouth.
- Can't you eat with your mouth closed?
- Not until I get something in it, dearest.
What was that?
Nothing, nothing. It's quite all right.
You're right. You're always right.
My poor Dada.
My poor Dada.
if that's what's to be then I'll be it.
You know what they say, Julie-baby:
que sera, sera.
you know what I'm thinking?
If this formula
were to fall into the wrong hands,
could be devastating.
Now, it's much
too complicated to memorise
and far too vitally important to destroy.
The only two people that I know
I can trust are my mother...
...and my father.
What I should do...
...is mail my formula, a copy,
to Mother and Father
that were anything to happen to me,
they are to send a copy of the formula
and my original copy to Washington.
George or Martha?
No, Washington D...
You're a silly bird with a big mouth.
- Professor Kelp...
- I'm ready, Professor.
- That's very... Yeah... What?
Did you forget about my test?
Actually, no... I... I'm terribly sorry...
I did... I have it here...
Why don't you sit down
at your table and I'll get your paper.
I actually didn't, er, really forget. I, er...
I have so many members of the...
...class, it's difficult to...
Oh, yes, here we are.
It's very difficult to...
You do want me to take the test?
I'm terribly sorry, Miss Purdy.
Certainly, of course,
it's necessary for you to take it.
- Miss Purdy...
- Yes, Professor?
I was going to say, I sincerely hope
that you don't mind if I don't linger.
I have some very essential matters
that I must take care of.
Certainly, Professor Kelp.
And thank you for understanding.
I understand far better
than you would ever believe, honey...
Er, Miss Purdy, that is.
You just go right on
and thank you for...
Julius! ln the afternoon?
- How's it going?
Crazy. I thought I'd visit your little land
of learning. Cute. Cute pad.
What happened to you last night?
What d'you run away like that for?
I thought you saw a ghost or something.
Oh, yeah. How about that?
That's why I stopped by.
I thought I'd lay it on you,
but this ain't the place to talk.
What do you say we meet later at the
Purple Pit? We could talk better there.
I don't know. You're pretty weird.
And I don't want...
- Sh, sh. o'clock?
Hey, honey, you look a little drawn.
Did you find it a little difficult going
all this time without seeing me? Sh, sh.
Don't fight it.
I don't want to hang you up, honey.
I see you're doing your little test here.
But don't worry, beautiful.
Science'll do fine without you.
But man needs you the most.
This man. Come here.
That's good for you.
If you want more, call for refills.
I just told you the time. It's still . .
- Yeah, I know.
- OK, kids.
You can all relax.
Watch where you're going, Mac.
Now that your desperate attempt
at having a good time's flunked,
have no fear, Buddy's here.
Let the good times roll.
There's my date.
That sharp-looking chick's my date.
Cheer up, baby,
your prize package has arrived.
- Hello, stale ones.
- You're pretty late, Mr Love.
Hold it, baby, you got it a little mixed up.
You're just way too early, that's all.
Be a nice girl and plant one
over there. You'll feel better.
Come on, the best things in life are free.
And you'll admit, you've got one
of the best things. Lay it on me.
Yeah, well, have some impossible.
See, wasn't that worth waiting for?
You gotta admit, I'm not one
of the run-of-the-mill-type creeps
that hang around this joint, right?
You got a good thing, don't louse it up.
Isn't it enough that you've got
the swingingest and the best?
You want me to be on time, too?
- OK, OK, you win.
Please tell me why you ran away
last night and left me just sitting there?
Hey, hey, don't get all riled up.
Cool it! Cool it!
I don't want to get into no discussions on
an empty stomach anyhow. This is flat.
Vampira, bring your kit.
You don't sound exactly
too thrilled to serve the leader.
On the contrary, I find it a rare privilege
to serve His Royal Lowest.
You're cute, like a black widow spider.
Shut your mouth and just take the order.
I've decided I shall not continue
the flight with the fuel I got.
So give me a Boilermaker,
and heavy on the boil.
Go on, go on, go on. Come on,
come on, I haven't got all night.
She's crazy about me also.
Now, Lost Weekend Junior,
you've ordered your drink.
About last night. Would you
like to explain what happened?
I told you I was going to tell you. It's...
Why don't we table it a while, sweetie?
I mean, all the kids, they're
kind of waiting. It's Dullsville out.
I'll be back. You take five.
And I love you, baby. Mean it sincerely.
You wait for me, huh?
Oh, there you are, sweets.
Thanks a lot.
Sickening, isn't he?
But...he's got something.
And I mean to find out what it is.
I think I'll do...
...do a tune that I'm going
to record for Poverty Records.
They're the only ones who'll have me.
I think that'll be it for a while...kids.
Later, Stella. Wait...
I feel like the girl on her wedding night
whose absent-minded husband
goes home to his mother for dinner.
Where is he?
- What time is it?
- I think he's getting his watch fixed.
- Think he had an accident?
- Where is he?
- Ten to one he doesn't show.
- Hope nothing's wrong.
having many individual parts..."
"...can always be broken down...
...broken down, always..."
"...to such a degree
that we never need to be in the dark"
"about the whys
and wherefore of their capacity."
"And, to me, carbon dioxide
has always been a gas."
No, I didn't mean... Yes...
Actually, it kinda swings and...
The formula needs to be stronger
to ensure more time.
Stronger...ensure more time.
Yes, Dr Warfield
would appreciate it very much.
Can I go right in?
...the faculty is always ready
to serve the needs of the students.
- I'm terribly sorry I'm late, Dr Warfield.
- Any time, Miss Purdy, any time at all.
Therefore, the success
or failure of the prom
rests on your shoulders as members
of the Entertainment Committee.
Miss Lemmon, will you send in
the proposed list of the entertainments.
Good, good, "The Lightlighters".
Wonderful... Love folk singers.
Who is this "Wickern and Wett"?
The comedy team?
Good, good, perfect.
I thought they'd split up.
Who's this "Buddy Love"?
What's a Buddy Love?
He's a local boy. He's just terrific.
- He's our new leader.
- He's, like, too much.
- Like too much what?
He's one of the truly
great swingers of all time.
Swingers... Swingers of all time...
It seems that you students
know Mr Love quite well.
What about the faculty members?
Anyone here familiar with Mr Love?
- Oh, he's the greatest.
- Do you know Mr Love?
No... I meant...
Well, I heard all the other students...
- Professor Kelp, I heard that myself.
- Yes, you did.
Anyone here know Mr Love?
Very well, in that case,
I will have to meet him myself.
Have him come
to my office at three o'clock.
Dr Warfield, we don't exactly know
how to get in touch with Mr Love,
on such short notice, that is.
What do you mean? ls he some
kind of roving bum or something?
- I've never heard of such a thing.
- I might see him tonight.
That's not good enough.
I want to see him today at three.
I beg your pardon, Dr Warfield, but l...
...l just might be able to see my way
clear, possibly, to contact this Mr...Love.
I don't care who contacts him.
Just get him here by three o'clock today
or forget the whole thing.
- Where's your pad?
- About a mile from campus.
I have bought the craziest new drapes...
You mean my dictation pad.
- Sorry, I'll get it immediately.
- Never mind. What did you want?
Mr Love is waiting outside to see you
and he's a gasser...
I mean, shall I ask him to come in?
- If you can do so without fainting.
- Yes, sir.
You gonna make that
your life's work, baby?
Buddy to you. What's your moniker?
What do they call you?
Mortimer, Harvey, Norman, Homer?
Which is it?
You may call me Dr Warfield,
OK, Doc it is.
What kinda doctor are you, sweetie?
Sawbones, is that the idea?
Or a headshrinker?
I went to them once, you dig?
Headshrinker. Told me I had a dual
personality, split, schizo and all that jazz.
He charges me $ so I give him $
and say get the rest from the other guy.
What's eating you?
Mr Love, I sent for you
in regard to the senior prom.
However, after seeing you, my door...
Would you think I was terribly rude
if I asked you the name of your tailor?
- That's wild. Absolutely gorgeous.
- Oh, you mean this?
- Just beautiful.
- Actually, it's just a ready-made suit.
Well, sort of a handmade-to-order
ready-made suit off the rack.
Just magnificent. I think you're modest.
Is that the picture, sweetie?
You've got the perfect physique
and anything you put on swings, right?
going into show business?
- I did a few school plays...
Girls backstage mob you, swamp you?
ls that the picture?
- Stay there, don't move.
- You might say that in my time...
Sorry, Doc. You all right?
Did you really do a job
in show business?
Anyone ever say
you got a Cary Grant-ish look?
Ever see him walk towards a girl?
Try that walk. Let me see, I'm just
curious. Walk like Cary Grant. Beautiful.
Beautiful. Sure you're doing
the right thing working here?
What did you do? Shakespeare?
- I knew it... Hamlet...
- Would you do it?
- Mr Love, it's been so long...
Would you do it for me, Doctor?
Come on, baby. It's gotta be wild.
- Go ahead.
- Let's see...
- To be...
- Hold it! Do it right.
Get on the stage.
Let me be your audience.
- The faculty... !
- It's the best thing in the world for you.
- Get up there and perform.
- If you insist...
- Let it out.
- To be, or...
Hold it. Let's make it a stage.
Let's make it right.
You're gonna be beautiful,
just beautiful. Lay it on me.
Am I in the light?
- To be, or not...
- Hold it! Do it right.
Be in show business. Hamlet, right?
You gotta play it all the way.
Hamlet... Here, put it on.
It's gonna make you feel beautiful.
- I feel it already.
- You'll play it like it's never been played.
- Go on. Let it out. Enjoy it.
- It's a difference...
- To be, or...
- Hold it. Do it right. Hamlet?
A prince? You gotta go
all the way with the sword.
You dig Hamlet. Do it.
Enjoy it. It's beautiful.
Beautiful. You've wasted your life
with this school jazz.
Well, I've often thought
of chucking it all...
- To be, or...
- Hold it.
Royalty is one thing, a crown.
Do it right. Hamlet. Do it right.
Have the crown. Be Hamlet.
It's the way it should be.
You've got the crown.
- I think I have it.
- Do Hamlet and really let it out.
To be, or not to be; that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune...
- Oh, beautiful. Doctor, you choked me.
- I'm not through...
You choked me. It was gorgeous.
The prettiest thing I've ever seen.
- See you at the prom, Doc?
- Oh, yes.
- Behind the footlights?
- We'll have you there...
- I knew it, baby. You're beautiful.
- Carry on the great tradition of theatre.
- Practise that Shakespeare.
- At the prom, Mr Love.
To be, or not to be;
that is the question...
"Dear Mr Love: Looking forward
to your appearance at the prom."
"Here's to showbiz."
"You are to be a chaperon
at the senior prom. This is a must."
Jennifer, what am I to do, Jennifer?
Have you ever thought of taking poison?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, Julius, taking poison!
- Yes, sir?
- Do you mind?
- Not at all. Do you lead?
I'm sorry. I did misunderstand.
I get carried away, what with the music.
It was a toe-tapper, I must admit.
It's rare to hear instrumentation these
days, what with folk singers, etc...
Would you care for some refreshment,
Thank you, I think I would,
but let me go. You don't have to bother.
There's no bother.
It would be my pleasure.
- Yes, I'll have a lemonade, too.
- Kelp, will you get us two lemonades?
- I'm terribly sorry, Doctor.
I was again so terribly distressed
at that wonderful toe-tapper.
Well, zip and I'm gone.
- Oh, Stell.
That is, Miss Purdy... I'm sorry.
How are you?
Are you having a good time, dear?
I'm having a good time, but...
...l'd have a much better time
if somebody would ask me to dance.
Cat got your tongue, Professor?
No, the punch bowl has my arm.
- I didn't realise...
- Let me help you.
I guess I'm just accident prone.
- Don't worry about it.
- I won't.
- Come on, let's dance.
- Oh, yes, all right. Let me leave that.
That sounds like a splendid idea.
I neglected to mention, Miss Purdy,
you're looking very beautiful this evening.
You must be looking forward
to seeing your Buddy Love tonight.
- How did you know that?
- Everyone knows he's appearing tonight.
Oh... Here. I guess
I'm looking forward to seeing him.
But I can't figure out why.
Well, he is quite good-looking,
is he not?
Oh, yes, he is,
but that means nothing to me.
He... I'm told he is a young man
with a very nice personality.
On the contrary, he's rude, disrespectful,
self-centred and discourteous.
Then it's not his nice personality.
I'm told that he's quite talented, though.
Oh, yes, he's very talented.
But talent comes in many forms.
I believe intelligence
is a greater talent than anything.
If Buddy has any real intelligence, he has
a fantastic talent for keeping it hidden.
I see, well, then, evidently, Miss Purdy,
whatever you see in this young man
it must be very well buried.
I think you're getting warm.
Well, then, perhaps,
and it's just a possibility,
he chooses to keep the inner man
locked up so that no one steps on him.
But he should know
I don't want to step on him.
I'll get to prove it to him.
If he ever unlocks that inner man
and lets him loose,
so that I can grab him and hold him.
- I appreciate it.
That... What I meant was,
that's very nice.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
It's show time. Gather round!
We'll get the show on the road.
Before we go on, I'd like you
to meet some of the specialists:
there's Butch Stone up there,
you remember Butch.
My kid brother, Stumpy Brown.
Stumpy not only plays
the trombone, but also sings.
Butch Stone is known for
'A Good Man is Hard to Find'.
We've a great show lined up for you,
a few surprises...
Why do men
keep running away from me?
- Hi, there.
Jennifer, you've eaten all of my formula.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, shut up, you stupid bird!
Then I can't suggest
you call your mother and father
and get them to read the formula
from the copy you sent...
Oh, what a wonderful bird!
Where's the phone?
Long distance will be area code...
Oh, yes, area code...
Sp... Sp... Splendid idea, Jennifer.
H... Hello, Father.
Hello... I say, hello, Father.
This is Julius. Yeah, l...
Julius... J... Yes, your son.
Would you be good enough, Dad,
to open the formula for me
and read it to me so I can mark it down.
Yes, I certainly...
Actually, I'd appreciate it, yes...
It's just going to have
to be enough, that's all.
Where can he be? I hope nothing's
happened to prevent his getting here.
He better get here or there'll be a riot.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing the next performer
is one of the easiest chores
I've ever had.
Simply because this card
I'm holding is the announcement
that the performer
wants read exactly as written.
Makes it easy.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting
the world's greatest everything.
The best dressed,
the swingingest performer,
and one of the nicest guys
in the whole world.
Here he is, the
senior prom's answer to Don Juan,
Mr Buddy Love.
You're very wise.
If you'll hold it a second,
I'll thrill you some more.
I'd like to do a tune for you that's been
a favourite of the gang at the...
...you should pardon the expression,
Dr Warfield... Purple Pit.
You dig? It's that old standard,
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm not usually at...
I'm not usually at a loss for words,
but if you'll just...
...bear with me a moment,
I think I might be able to explain.
It happened some time ago...
...being a scientist,
I just happened to have stumbled on...
...one of the curious mysteries
I found myself...
...so curious that
I was unable to just stop.
...l never really knew
what was going to prevail.
I do know now
that I should've left it alone...actually.
...it is a very, very hard thing to do...
...particularly when you've found that
you've been able to do something
that so many others failed to do.
Actually, I have no
real defence for my actions,
...l had no control over
what I said or did as Buddy Love.
I can only say...
...l hope I haven't hurt anyone...
I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
I didn't mean to do...
...anything that wasn't of a kind nature.
Learning a lesson in life is...
...is never really too late.
And I think that the...
...the lesson that I learned
came just in time.
I don't want to...
I don't want to be something
that I'm not.
I didn't like being someone else.
At the same time, I'm very glad I was.
'Cause I found out something
that I never knew.
You might as well like yourself.
Just think about all the time
you're going to have to spend with you.
If you don't think much of yourself,
how can others?
That's what I found out.
Dr Warfield, I'm very sorry and...
...l like it here
at the university very much.
I hope that...
I hope that after you hear the facts,
you won't think too terribly wrong of me.
I love everybody here and l...
...l wouldn't really like to leave...actually.
Can I be of any assistance, Professor?
No, thank you very much. I'll...
I'll have to just try
and work this out myself, thank you.
Well, there's really nothing to work out,
other than understand that
just being one person is more than
enough for any human being to handle.
Do you mean that...
- Well, you have to understand that...
I'm only trying to say that I'd never want
to spend my life with anyone like Buddy.
Being the wife of a professor
would be much more normal and...
See, l... I told you I'm accident prone.
"The psychological properties
of visual quality and quantity"
"can be represented conveniently
by a three-dimensional diagram."
Three-dimensional diagram, right.
- Oddly enough...
- Thanks, sonny...
Thanks for telling us
where our kid works.
- Not so loud, Elmer, dear.
- Loud? Who the devil's loud?
Marge, Marge, Marge, Marge.
Hey, class, how are you?
Good to be amongst.
If it isn't the square bookworm
we laughingly referred to as our son.
Here, bookworm, have a cigar.
Go ahead, go on. Pure Havana,
straight from Havana, yeah.
Cost us $ million ransom.
Pretty good, huh?
Good to see you again, Julius.
Mush and hush.
Mouth, mouth, hush, mush.
Here, now, back, back. Hush. Nothing.
Here it is, kids. Are you tired of being
a square? Tired of a dull existence?
Well, for one dollar,
the tenth part of a sawbuck,
try Kelp's Kool Tonic.
You, too, can be the life of the party.
He's right, kids, it's a gasser.
Step right up, folks.
Be somebody, be anybody.
- Sixteen bottles, look, here.
Wait, wait, wait, Stella.
Wait, sweetheart, what have I done?
What has he done? What will I do?
I know what you'll do.
Do you have the licence?
- Yes, here it is, dear.
- What are we waiting for?
What about the formula,
what about Mother, what about Father?
What's done is done.
And we have our own lives to live.
Come on, let's go.
Yes, actually, Stella,
what's right is right, let's split.