Voila! Finally, the Octopussy
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the James Bond 007 movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Octopussy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
- You didn't say there'd be such security. - They moved the flight forward.
We'll have to go ahead as planned anyway.
Toro? Sounds like a load of bull.
Well, small world. You're a Toro, too.
l'll see you in Miami.
Fill her up.
Your guests have arrived, Ambassador.
We should go, my dear.
You become more beautiful every day.
- l'm over here. - Of course you are.
This is Miss Penelope Smallbone, my new assistant.
What can l say, Moneypenny? Except that she is as attractive and as charming...
- As l used to be? - l didn't say that.
You're such a flatterer, James.
Moneypenny, you know there never has been and never will be anybody but you.
So you've told me.
- Welcome to Universal Exports. - Take it, dear.
- That's all you'll ever get from him. - Thank you, Commander Bond.
- Do you know me? - Miss Moneypenny described you.
ln nauseating detail.
l can see you're going to fit in here very nicely.
- Good morning, 007. - Morning, sir.
- Minister. - Commander.
l think you know Jim Fanning, our art expert.
- Yes. Hello, Jim. - James.
- Do you know what this is? - lt looks like a Fabergé egg, sir.
One of the jewelled eggs by Carl Fabergé as a gift for the Russian royal family.
They're priceless and very rare.
This one contains a model of the imperial state coach.
- Top marks, . - Thank you, sir.
Except it's a fake.
There's the real thing. lt's being auctioned at Sotheby's this afternoon.
This is the fourth egg to turn up at auction this year.
lt's from none of the usual sources. Anonymous seller, Swiss bank account.
l'd say that the vendor was a Russian.
And now this turns up. A near-perfect forgery.
l think Commander Bond should accompany you to the sale.
Splendid. l could use an extra pair of eyes.
We could try and spot the seller.
They usually turn up out of interest or perhaps just to bump up the price.
Thank you, Fanning.
Not at all.
lf it is the Russians, it may be an effort to raise currency
for covert operations abroad or for payoffs.
Either way, we'd better find out what they're up to.
- Yes, Minister. - Eyes only, .
You'll be replacing .
He turned up dead in East Germany with that egg in his hand.
There's not much to go on.
Well, we do have one lead, Minister.
''Property of a Lady.''
Next on the agenda is the continuing mutual disarmament talks with NATO.
l assume you've all read General Gogol's report.
lt seems very thorough.
Thank you, Comrade Chairman.
l believe l express the opinion of everyone present
that adoption of NATO proposals does not compromise our defensive position.
- Comrade Chairman. - General Orlov.
General Gogol is presumptuous.
He speaks for himself and others
who cling to timid, outdated and unrealistic policies.
Must l remind you, the committee,
of our overwhelming superiority over NATO forces
before we give it away?
ln East Germany under my direct command,
l have divisions, including tank divisions
and another five in Czechoslovakia.
ln support, on the Russian western border are divisions,
including tank divisions.
ln all, a - advantage.
American and West German forces can field at most ten armoured divisions.
The British maintain only a token force.
We have played out a variety of attack strategies on the new Kutuzov computer
and find that a lightning thrust by ten armoured divisions from the north,
and by five more through Czechoslovakia, lead to total victory in five days
against any possible defence scenario.
This is absolute madness.
We know where it will end.
NATO will counterattack with nuclear weapons.
The West is decadent and divided.
lt has no stomach to risk our atomic reprisals.
Throughout Europe, daily demonstrations demand unilateral nuclear disarmament.
l see no reason to risk war
to satisfy your personal paranoia and thirst for conquest.
We must turn our energies to pressing domestic problems.
- General Gogol, let me remind you... - Comrades, sit down.
- l wish to tell you... - Both of you.
World socialism will be achieved peaceably.
Our military role is strictly defensive.
ls that understood, General Orlov?
General Gogol, would you continue?
Thank you, Comrade Chairman. l will now turn to the specifics of my report...
Tell him l will be there as quickly as possible.
- l am trying to concentrate. - Lenkin.
- What is it? - lt's terrible news, Comrade General.
The reproduction has been stolen in transit.
The thief was dealt with, but the egg was lost in the river.
Your incompetence will destroy us all.
- We'll have a replacement made. - There is no time, Comrade General.
l have just been informed of an unscheduled inventory in two days.
l'll tell our London people we must have the genuine egg back.
l hope we can reach them in time.
Sold to Busoni.
The next lot is number .
A superb green-gold lmperial Easter egg by Carl Fabergé.
Enamelled in translucent green, enclosed by gold laurel-leaf trellis.
Set with blue sapphires and four petalled gold flowers with diamonds.
- How much should it fetch? - £ - . Anything more'd be crazy.
..used by Tsar Nicholas in in Moscow.
Property of a Lady.
Well, there are quite a few ladies here.
She wouldn't have to be here in person. She could be represented by proxy.
l'll start it at £ .
. Against you, madam.
- Any more? - Now there is a lady.
James, stick to the business in hand.
Are you bidding, sir?
£ . New bidder.
- That's interesting. - You know him?
Kamal Khan. Usually a seller.
Marginal quality from dubious sources.
- in the centre. - Well, that should do it.
- Kamal has gone over the top. - Your bid, sir. .
. Any more?
. New bidder.
Thank you, sir.
- . - Have you gone mad?
Let's see how badly he wants it.
The bid is . ?
Against you, sir. No more than .
- Jim? - The bid is £ .
l have .
l have half a million pounds. All done?
Yours, sir, for £ .
- The next lot is... - We could have been stuck with it.
- l doubt it. He had to buy it. - But why?
That's what l intend to find out.
You had no business bidding for that egg.
What would you have done if you'd got it?
l would have claimed it was a fake, sir, and not paid.
Here's the original. l switched it with the fake during the auction.
And what happens when the buyer discovers that?
Well, he complains. lf he's legitimate.
- Well? - l don't think he will complain.
According to Fanning, this Kamal usually sells. Now he buys.
l believe that the fake will smoke him out.
Our tail followed him to Heathrow where he caught a plane to Delhi.
You must go there, too.
l'll alert Sadruddin, our man in Station l, to keep him under surveillance.
- Book yourself on the next flight out. - Well, l've minutes to catch it, sir.
- Oh, Bond? - Sir?
Sign a chit for that egg before you go. lt's government property now.
Of course, sir.
Charming tune. You do take English money?
Only gold sovereigns.
l'm Vijay. Special expediter, Universal Exports.
- Welcome to lndia, Commander Bond. - Call me James.
- Where's Sadruddin? - Waiting in the taxi.
This was the wrong cover. l hate snakes.
Taxi. Please be comfortable.
- l am Sadruddin, Head of Section. - How do you do?
- l booked you in at the Shivnivas Hotel. - Good. My luggage?
What can you tell me about Kamal Khan?
Exiled Afghan prince. Sportsman - polo, cricket, tennis.
- l play a bit myself. - Really?
As a matter of fact, l've got a part-time job as a pro at Kamal's club.
- What have you learned so far? - My backhand's improved.
Kamal lives there on the hill.
The Monsoon Palace. lt's heavily guarded.
- How do l get to him? - He plays backgammon at the hotel.
As a guest, you're automatically a member.
- Let's meet there later. - l'll change into something less casual.
Here, you may need this to play with your asp.
Good morning. Name's Bond. l believe you have a reservation.
- We've been expecting you. - Good.
l hope you have a pleasant stay.
l'm sure l will.
Your luggage has been unpacked, sir.
- Oh, thank you. - lf l can be of further assistance...
- Anything at all? - Maybe later.
- How's he doing? - The Major's no novice.
- But Kamal has won rupees. - You'll have a job beating this.
l feel lucky. Shall we double?
- Always a double six when you need it. - Always.
- How do you do it. - lt's all in the wrist.
- lt's hopeless. - Shall we have another game, Major?
- Same stake? - Yes, l'll have another go.
Your luck's got to run out some time.
May l join you?
Sotheby's. Half a million pounds?
- The man at the auction. - Precisely.
You have a good memory for faces.
- This can't be a coincidence. - No.
- What will you have? - Nothing, thank you.
Some other time, perhaps?
Six and one.
- Well? - Looks like the Major has got him.
Why don't we make it interesting, Major? Double to rupees.
l can't accept. Not with your luck.
l would have taken that double, myself.
Then why don't you take over the Major's position? Mr...?
James Bond. Thank you, l'd be delighted.
Not such a good double to accept, after all, was it?
- Double. - Of course.
You can only win with a double six.
The stake is rupees. Do you have the cash?
Well, l think that this should be ample security.
Play, Mr Bond.
You'll need a great deal of luck to get out of this.
Well, then l shall use player's privilege,
and use your lucky dice.
lt's all in the wrist.
l prefer cash.
- Get it cashed for him. - Yes, sir.
Spend the money quickly, Mr Bond.
l intend to, Kamal Khan.
lt's not really in the wrist, you know.
- Should l be following them? - Yes, but l think they'll be following this.
Vijay will take you from here. l'll see if l can find out more about Kamal.
Good. Hold on to these, will you?
Keep you in curry for a few weeks, won't it?
Thank you. lt's a wonderful racket, this.
- Vijay, we have company. - No problem. This is a company car.
Step on it.
This should shake 'em off.
Thank God for hard currency.
Game, set and match. Hang on, James.
Keep your head down.
Get off my bed.
Thank you. You'd better stick this back yourself.
James, over here. Come on.
Vijay. The money l gave you.
Easy come, easy go.
lt pays to advertise.
This way, James.
- How are you? - Most unhappy, thanks to you.
How can l be expected to maintain the quality of my work?
Sent out here at a moment's notice.
Have you any smaller thread? Someone stuck a knife in my wallet.
Pity they missed you.
Karen, see to that, will you?
l've also mislaid my PPK.
- Anything else? - No, that's all.
Having problems keeping it up, Q?
- Hello, Smithers. - Commander.
- Smashing, Q. - Come on. l have a few things for you.
Very nice, Smithers.
ls the homing device ready yet?
Not only a homing device, but an extremely delicate microphone as well.
lt goes in there like that.
Now, take a fountain pen.
Twist the top,
and a highly concentrated mixture of nitric and hydrochloric acid.
- Dissolves all metals. - Wonderful for poison-pen letters.
Pay attention, .
Pull the top off the pen.
With this ultrasensitive earpiece, you can listen in on the bug.
The homing device is compatible with the radio directional finder in your watch.
lf you haven't lost it.
That's amazing, Q. lt does work.
That's the latest liquid-crystal TV.
Perfect image, Q.
Look, l haven't time for these adolescent antics.
- lt's the best we can do. - lt's beautiful. Thank you.
Go on, get along. l've got my work to do.
- l'll give you a hand, Q. - Thank you.
Don't forget this.
Don't let him teach you any of his bad habits.
Mr Bond, your table is ready.
- l didn't reserve one. - Your guest is waiting, sir.
This way, please.
You changed your mind.
- l'm glad. - Are you?
Well, let's put it this way.
So far, you are the least lethal and by far the prettiest of Kamal's friends.
So does he have a proposition for me, or do you?
He suggests a trade.
The egg for your life.
l'd heard the price of eggs was going up, but isn't that a little high?
Charge it to Room...?
Oh, . Along with the champagne, l suppose?
l'll leave it at the desk.
You don't mind?
Why? Has Kamal forgotten what l look like already?
lt's for me.
So that if l depart this world suddenly,
you'll have something to remember me by?
Something like that.
lt's for my scrapbook. l collect memories.
Well, let's get on with making a few.
l need refilling.
Of course you do.
l'll get some more.
Don't bother. We'll make yours a loving cup.
What a good idea.
Forgive my curiosity, but what is that?
That's my little octopussy.
l didn't want to wake you. But since you're up,
l can say a proper goodbye.
What is the time?
Beautiful view, isn't it?
- l don't know how to say goodbye. - Actions speak louder than words.
ln. Out. ln. Out.
Come on, girls. ln. Out.
The egg has been recovered.
You should be pleased.
l'm not pleased it was stolen in the first place.
Nor that the thief knows enough to bring it here.
He's obviously an adventurer with possible blackmail on his mind.
Anyway, l have him as my guest at the Monsoon Palace.
And he will tell us all he knows very quickly.
- Who is he? - Englishman.
Likes eggs. Preferably Fabergé.
And dice. Preferably loaded.
His name is James Bond.
Bring him here.
He's dangerous. After he's talked, we must get rid of him immediately.
A ''no'' from you has little chance of becoming a ''yes''.
l assume, therefore, that the meeting is over.
But you're making a serious mistake.
Well, so far l can't complain about the valet service.
- Good evening, Mr Bond. - Good evening.
l believe you and Miss Magda have met.
- lt was a pleasure. - You're too kind.
You don't mind if we start? The soufflé can't wait.
At the risk of appearing to be making light dinner conversation,
may l ask exactly why l am here?
l mean, after all, you do have the egg.
True. But we don't have all the answers.
Well, supposing, for argument's sake, l don't feel like talking?
Don't worry, you will.
Let me guess.
Thumbscrews and hot coals.
Hardly. We're much more sophisticated than that.
- Sodium Pentothal? - A bit crude. Very unreliable.
We prefer curare with an effective psychedelic compound.
- But with permanent brain damage. - An unfortunate side effect.
One of our specialities.
Stuffed sheep's head.
lt's odd, but when l'm stared at l seem to lose my appetite.
Oh, thank you for dinner.
Until tomorrow, then.
- Well, l'll say good night. - l could come in for a nightcap.
Some other time, perhaps.
l don't suppose you'd care for a nightcap? No.
l trust you had a pleasant flight.
lf you step this way, l think you will find everything is in order.
Congratulations on the quality of your workmanship, Kamal Khan.
Thank you, General Orlov.
As you can see, each piece has been meticulously duplicated
according to Lenkin's specifications.
Good. Have it put aboard the helicopter.
- Can they be trusted? - l assure you oftheir silence.
We are both playing for enormous stakes.
l get what l want, then you get the genuine jewellery.
The precise timing will be essential.
Remember: nothing must be changed.
One week from today, in Karl-Marx-Stadt.
- Karl-Marx-Stadt. - Correct.
- Everything taken care of? - As you ordered, Excellence.
- So, you recovered it? - From an accomplice ofthe thief.
He must be eliminated at once.
There must be no further security breach.
This fake has caused enough trouble.
l must go.
Everything has been most satisfactory.
Most kind, General Orlov.
The Englishman has escaped.
He won't go very far. We'll track him.
Let the sport commence.
Head him off.
We have him.
Go round. He's in there.
Don't let him get away.
C'mom, buddy, c'mon.
- Hey, you all right, buddy? - l'm fine.
- Are you with our group? - No, ma'am. l'm with the economy tour.
Mr Bond is indeed a very rare breed.
Soon to be made extinct.
Genus Hapalochlaena. Produces a venom that's invariably fatal in seconds.
The barge had that sign.
lt belongs to a wealthy woman who lives on the floating palace.
No one knows her real name, but she's known as Octopussy.
That's the name l heard at Kamal's.
l hear that island's full of beautiful women. No men allowed.
Really? Sexual discrimination.
l'll definitely have to pay it a visit.
l wondered when you might arrive.
So you are the mysterious Octopussy.
And you are James Bond.
licensed to kill.
Am l to be your target for tonight?
Depends how much you tell me about jewellery smuggling.
And why one of our agents was killed in East Berlin.
l know nothing about that.
You remember Major Dexter Smythe?
You were sent out to arrest him, weren't you?
You seem to have done your homework.
Thank you. Yes. Smythe, after a brilliant military career, joined our secret service.
His mission was to recover a cache of Chinese gold, seized in North Korea.
Both he and his native guide disappeared.
The gold was never found.
And years later you were sent after him.
The guide's body turned up with a bullet still in his skull from Smythe's revolver.
l traced Smythe to Sri Lanka,
and gave him hours to clear up his affairs before l took him back.
He committed suicide rather than face the disgrace of a court martial.
What's the connection?
He was my father. l'd hoped fate would bring us together one day.
To avenge him?
To thank you for giving him an honourable alternative.
Kamal Khan to see you.
Bond has escaped.
- How careless of you. - l apologise.
By the way, l'd like you to meet my new house guest.
An old friend of the family, you might say.
You have a nasty habit of surviving.
You know what they say about the fittest.
Octopussy, l'd enjoy another opportunity to take care of Mr Bond personally.
l will take care of Mr Bond myself.
And enjoy yourselves.
My father became a leading authority on octopi.
He loved them. His pet name for me was Octopussy.
Mr Bond, smuggling is no concern of the secret service.
l've violated no British law.
You are free to leave, but l'd much prefer if you stayed as my guest for a few days.
l'd like that.
Gwendoline, show Mr Bond to his room.
Good night, Mr Bond.
Till the morning, then.
Extend Mr Bond every courtesy, but double the guard on his quarters.
He says the island is heavily guarded.
We don't want to make enemies with the woman.
The woman must not be harmed.
When Father's gold ran out, the people in Hong Kong who'd disposed of it for him
offered me a commission to smuggle some diamonds.
l discovered l had a talent for it.
You went into business for yourself?
Yes, but l needed an organisation, so l revived the old Octopus cult.
Well, then. Where did you recruit all these lovelies?
There are many of them all over Southeast Asia,
looking for a guru, spiritual discipline, who knows what.
l train them. Give them a purpose, a sisterhood and a way of life.
- ln crime? - ln business.
l have diversified into shipping, hotels, carnivals and circuses.
- ls he still there? - You must be joking.
on an island populated exclusively by women?
We won't see him till dawn.
- l'll relieve you at midnight. - No problem.
Are we going somewhere?
l have to go to Europe tomorrow on a business trip.
Oh, that's a pity. l was just beginning to enjoy myself.
l think you should stay. l'll only be gone a week.
When l come back we'll discuss the future.
Well, l can't guarantee that l'll be here when you return.
Oh, James. We're two of a kind.
There are vast rewards for a man of your talents willing to take risks.
- l'm not for hire. - A man of principle.
With a price on his head.
Naturally, you would do it for Queen and country.
l have no country, l have no price on my head.
l don't have to apologise to you, a paid assassin, for what l am.
We are two of a kind.
ls something wrong?
Just a feeling.
Why don't you come back to bed?
What happened to Vijay?
He was alive when l found him.
- Did he say anything? - Only ''lt was Kamal's men.''
No more problems.
- Better signal M to meet me in Berlin. - Why?
Well, l have to go to a circus in Karl-Marx-Stadt.
We verified the Octopussy Circus was in East Berlin when we lost .
Karl-Marx-Stadt is further east.
Why would General Orlov participate in a jewellery caper?
Well, the jewellery, sir, l think is, if you'll forgive the analogy,
only the tip of the tentacle.
Here's the lD you'll need.
Charles Moreton, manufacturer's representative from Leeds
visiting furniture factories in East Germany.
- Karl will take you in. - No problem.
Remember, you're on your own.
Thank you, sir. That's a great comfort.
Of course you know Comrade Borchoi, the curator of the Hermitage.
He just arrived from Leningrad.
The Romanov Star.
The Romanov Star.
Stay here with the jewellery while they switch the car to the main track.
You stay, also.
The effects are indistinguishable from the American medium-yield bomb.
The detonator, now listen carefully. lt is pre-set for a four-hour delay.
Set time for the explosion here.
To activate, insert and twist the lever a quarter-turn clockwise.
Be at least miles away when it goes off, hm?
The jewellery should net us million in Zürich.
We still have to cross the border.
l must go.
Au revoir, dear lady.
Bring the canister.
Put it in the car.
Leave that. Let's go.
Let's stay. Sit on that box. Hands on your knees. Come on, move.
Why is that bomb on the train?
- Who are you? - British secret service.
You should be more concerned about getting out of here alive.
l am more concerned about an atomic bomb exploding on a US Air Force base.
You can't be inviting a nuclear war. What happens when the US retaliates?
My God. Of course.
Our early-warning system will rule out the bomb having come from Russia
or anywhere else.
Everyone will assume incorrectly that it was a US bomb triggered accidentally.
That would be the most plausible explanation.
Europe will insist on disarmament,
leaving every border undefended for you to walk across at will.
lt doesn't matter a damn to you
that thousands of innocent people will die in your accident.
Better than letting a handful of old men in Moscow
bargain away our advantage in disarmament talks.
On your feet, General. You're going to stop that train.
- Too late. - You can stop it at the border.
Get to the station!
Stop that car!
Follow that car.
Kamal Khan says we are to stay here until we cross the border.
The licence plate is General Orlov's.
We have discovered this.
- Where is General Orlov now? - Last reported heading for the border.
l must get to that train.
A common thief.
A disgrace to the uniform.
Yes. But tomorrow...
l shall be a hero...
of the Soviet Union.
lt is now . .
The performance begins at .
Allowing for delays, set the bomb to detonate at . .
We must leave the base by . .
l take it none of you will be late.
- Did you recognise him? - No.
Stay here with her.
On the roof. Trouble.
for my brother.
And that's for .
Gobinda will stay with the jewellery.
General, excuse me. l have some travel arrangements to make. Enjoy the show.
- Thank you. - l'm sure he'll get a big blast out of this.
l know he won't be disappointed.
- That was Bond. - Good. Let him keep going.
He'll be late and we'll be rid of him too.
Great, isn't it?
- Marvellous. - General...
How long would l get in the brig if l stole your wallet?
- About two years. - That long?
Well, in that case, l'd better return it.
Son of a gun.
- Where's the Base Commander? - Let's see your circus pass.
Damn it, man, it's urgent.
Get out. Hands up!
Some nut in a red shirt went through in a stolen car. Wants the Base Commander.
There he is.
Go after that guy in the red shirt.
Behind the trailers.
Keep searching, you guys. He's gotta be around here somewhere.
Look under the trailer, you guys.
- Ladies and gentlemen... - Hey. ls anyone else in there?
For the first time in this country, the death-defying human cannonball.
l have the pleasure in presenting to you Francisco the Fearless.
The suspect's wearing a clown suit. Over.
Hold it, buddy. You're coming with us.
- General, there's a bomb in that cannon. - Sure. Where else would a bomb be?
- Great clown. - l'm deadly serious. l'm a British agent.
- What? - For God's sake, tell him who l am.
Kamal and Orlov double-crossed you. l saw them take the jewellery off the train.
Does that convince you?
Sir, that bomb is set to explode at . . That's seconds from now.
General, this man's either drunk or crazy.
He'll destroy the entire operation.
You two, grab that man. Hold him.
Damn it. Let go.
Let me go, there's a bomb in there.
Let him go.
Thank you. Great job, sir.
Where was Kamal going?
Back to lndia.
Folks, we've had an emergency, but everything is all right now.
You and your families are safe.
Now, please leave the tent in an orderly manner. Thank you.
- The plane is refuelled. - We'll take off at sunrise.
- Are the gold certificates on board? - Yes, Excellence.
We'll take these also. Dollars, pounds, francs, marks.
l can always print my own.
- What is that? - Girls selling themselves.
Good. lt will keep the men occupied.
l don't want them to see me leave.
Give us a hand.
Let's go. All set?
That's it. Steady.
- Make sure the horses are saddled. - Yes, Excellence.
l'll join you in a few minutes.
- Do you really think you can escape me? - Orlov betrayed us.
l swear l knew nothing about the bomb.
We're partners, we're friends. Octopussy, l would never do anything to hurt you.
You left me to be killed along with thousands of innocent people.
Look. l was bringing you this. We can make millions.
Take her. She's our ticket out of here.
- l trust you can handle this contraption. - lt goes by hot air.
Oh, then you can.
- They're doing fine. - But l don't see Octopussy.
- There she is. She's in trouble. - Get your hands off me.
- l'll take her down. - No. Up!
Where are you going? Look, don't be an idiot, . Come back.
What are you doing? Cut it out. We haven't time for that. Later perhaps.
Come on. Giddap.
He'll kill us all. Go out and get him.
- Out there? - Go.
My government categorically denies the incident ever occurred.
However, we request Bond to return one of our most historic treasures -
the Romanov Star.
ln the interests of our Anglo-Soviet relationships, that can be arranged.
Where is Commander Bond?
Owing to the serious nature of his injuries, he's still not fit enough to travel.
ln. Out. ln. Out.
- l wish... - What?
l wish you weren't in such a weakened condition.