One Fine Day
Script - Dialogue Transcript
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script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Michelle Pfeiffer and
George Clooney. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of One Fine Day. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
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One Fine Day
Script
DAVID LETTERMAN
Here's what it is. I heard that my, my
son David Jr., you met Dave Jr. on the
last -- This is great news. I heard now,
I was notified Sunday that David Jr.
will be tried as a juvenile for grand
theft auto.
VOICE
Dial 911.
SAMMY
Mommy. Mom?
MELANIE
Hmm?
SAMMY
I'm really thirsty, Mommy.
MELANIE
Okay.
MELANIE
Okay? Okay, sweetie. Mmm. Good night.
SAMMY
Wait! There's one more sip left.
MELANIE
Half a sip. You don't need it. Good
night.
SAMMY
I do need it. I do need it, Mommy.
MELANIE
Okay. Now, good night for real, okay?
SAMMY
Good night, Mom.
MELANIE
Night-night, honey.
SAMMY
I'm really excited about the field trip
tomorrow. I love big boats.
MELANIE
That's good.
SAMMY
The Circle Line is big, right?
MELANIE
Yeah.
SAMMY
Good. Mom?
MELANIE
Shhh. Sleepy time now.
SAMMY
Is Daddy coming to my soccer game
tomorrow?
MELANIE
He's gonna try, Sammy. Honey, do you
remember when I explained to you that
daddy has a, uh, different schedule than
a lot of other daddies?
SAMMY
Yeah.
MELANIE
Well, musicians, they don't always know
exactly when they're gonna get a chance
to play? So, uh, there's a chance he
might not come tomorrow.
SAMMY
But he's gonna try?
MELANIE
Yeah, he's gonna try. I love you a
million, billion, zillion.
SAMMY
Do you love him? Huh, Mommy?
MELANIE
I will always love your daddy because he
gave me you. Now go to sleep.
SAMMY
I can't sleep, Mom. I had a bad dream.
MELANIE
In just two minutes, you already fell
asleep and had a bad dream?
MELANIE
Ow! Oh, sweetie. Oh, shoot.
RADIO
I don't even think I knew her. No, I had
no idea. I divorced her.
KRISTEN
Hi, Jack.
MAGGIE
Dad!
JACK
Hi.
MAGGIE
Hi, Daddy!
JACK
Hey! I got you! Watch your step.
KRISTEN
Maggie, be careful!
MAGGIE
I do it all the time, Mom.
JACK
Does it all the time.
KRISTEN
I can't believe you still haven't gotten
the plumbing fixed, Jack.
JACK
So what's up, Kristen?
KRISTEN
Um, well, you know that, um, me and Greg
got married last Saturday.
JACK
Oh, yeah. How's Greg?
KRISTEN
He's downstairs waiting in the car.
Waiting with an ulcer hoping you'll say
yes. I need you to watch Maggie for me.
JACK
Okay. Yeah, I can do that till about
six. Would that help?
MAGGIE
No.
KRISTEN
Well--
MAGGIE
For the whole week, Daddy. The whole
week.
KRISTEN
We were scheduled t-to leave this
morning on our honeymoon, but our Nanny
called to say t-that, that she's gotta
go watch her mother have a benign tumor
removed in Ohio. Greg's parents are too
old, mine-mine are t-too, too crazy,
yours are dead. The tickets are
nonrefundable, so that leaves you.
JACK
Okay.
KRISTEN
Please, Jack, do this. Please!
JACK
Kristen. Now you liten. I would love to,
but you know, I'm-I'm working on a story
right now. So--
KRISTEN
You're always working on a story.
JACK
Well, yeah. It's what I do.
KRISTEN
It's the same, old one about an every-
other-weekend good-time father for whom
responsibility is a dirty word.
JACK
Here's a hint, Kristen? During an
attempted manipulation like the one
that's in progress, I would've gone with
flattery.
KRISTEN
Why do I always have to be such grownup
where you always get to be the little
boy?
JACK
'Cause in the beginning of the
relationship when we were choosing
upsides, you chose grownup first. This
is how you really want it, Kristen.
KRISTEN
No, what I really want is -- just once -
- for you to make a sacrifice in your
career for your daughter. She really
want to be with you, Jack.
JACK
I'd really like to do that. Come here,
my little-- Come on. Come here, my
little noodle. I'm a creature. Grrr!
MELANIE
Go pee, wash your hands and face, and
brush your teeth. We're in a little bit
of a hurry this morning, 'cause we have
to take your friend Maggie to school.
And we can't be late because of your
field trip.
SAMMY
I hate Maggie. She thinks she's so
funny.
JACK
Maggie?
KRISTEN
Hey, Jack, here's Maggie's doctor's
number.
JACK
Where are you?
KRISTEN
And the number of a really good baby-
sitter who can help you out tomorrow.
She's got a walk-on part on a soap
today. And, Jack, there's one last
thing. This is really important. My
neighbor was supposed to take Maggie to
the Westside Montessori School for me
this morning. Okay? She lives in my
building. Jack.
JACK
Upp. Hupp!
KRISTEN
Jack? Apartment 501. This is her number.
JACK
Okay.
KRISTEN
Her name is Melanie Parker.
JACK
Melanie Parker.
KRISTEN
Now, if you want her to take Maggie to
school for you -- if you want her to
take Maggie to school for you, bring
Maggie to her house before eight, so you
don't miss them. If not, call Mel and
let her know that you don't need her to
take Maggie. Jack, okay?
KRISTEN
I'm gonna miss my plane. You know, I
don't think this is a very good idea.
Maybe I should just cancel my honeymoon.
JACK
Don't cancel your honeymoon. Give me
these.
KRISTEN
Are you sure?
JACK
Yep.
KRISTEN
Okay. Uh, those are the telephone
numbers.
JACK
Say hi to Greg.
KRISTEN
Bye, baby!
MAGGIE
Bye!
JACK
Bye, baby. Bye, baby! Oh, baby, oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
SAMMY
Come on, Mom.
MELANIE
Okay. Press 2, honey.
SAMMY
What? Ah!
MELANIE
Wonder where they are.
JACK
Some more? We got s'mores, but we're
gonna need some more. We're having a
Manhattan camp-out.
SAMMY
Why don't you bang on the door?
MELANIE
We can't bang on the door of
honeymooners.
JACK
What time does your school start?
MAGGIE
I don't know.
JACK
It probably starts at 9:00. Everything
starts at 9:00. You know, we're gonna
get there a few minutes early just to be
safe. What's street your school on?
MAGGIE
I don't know.
JACK
Ha. We're in trouble.
SAMMY
I'm gonna miss the boat trip, aren't I?
MELANIE
They're never gonna leave on time. We'll
make it. I promise.
MELANIE
Let's run. Just in case.
SAMMY
What's it say?
JACK
"The whole school is on the Circle Line.
Sorry we missed you." That's a big "uh-
oh," right?
SAMMY
Mom?
MELANIE
You must be Kristen's ex-husband.
MAGGIE
Hi, Sammy.
SAMMY
Hi, Maggie.
JACK
You must be, uh--
JACK
Okay. You're not, uh, Sheila, the
actress/baby-sitter, you're not Maggie's
pediatrician, Dr. Feldman. Hey, here you
go. "You don't forget to call Melanie
Parker." It's underlined three times.
We're not quite together this morning.
I'm sorry. What do you mean, I must be
Kristen's ex-husband?
MELANIE
Well, that's Kristen's daughter and this
is a totally ex-husband thing to do.
JACK
Well, you would know because that's a
totally ex-wife remark.
MELANIE
You know, I have a day. Taxi! Taxi!
JACK
Get those fish. Let's go. Come on.
MAGGIE
Dad!
JACK
Hold it! Got it! Come on! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Hey, you forgot your
fish! Take those.
MELANIE
Pier 56, please as fast as you can.
SAMMY
I don't wanna sit next to Maggie.
MAGGIE
I don't wanna sit next to Sammy.
JACK
Okay. Come on, let's go. Come on. Over
the top. Could you please just take
those? Thank you.
MELANIE
I don't know where you get off having an
attitude since it's your fault that both
our kids will probably miss their fielf
trip.
JACK
Attitude.
MELANIE
You know, I'd rather you not take
Central Park West. I think Broadway will
be faster.
JACK
My attitude is derived from your
attitude.
MELANIE
"Derived?" You must be a writer.
JACK
Let me guess. Your ex-husband is a
writer.
MELANIE
No. My ex-husband is a musician.
JACK
Huh.
MELANIE
I don't need to see that. I already have
an opining of you.
JACK
And I of you.
MELANIE
Liza. Liza, thank God you're home.
Listen, I-I need to ask you a huge
favor.
LIZA
Melanie? Is that you?
MELANIE
Yeah.
LIZA
You sound awful. Where are you? Don't
answer. I can't talk right now. I'm on
the other line organizing Kyle's Fun
Run. Bye, honey.
MELANIE
No. No, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't hang
up. I really need you--
LIZA
Oh. Ho ho! Ho ho! Oh, bye, honey.
LIZA
Hello? Hello?
MELANIE
Yeah, I'm here.
LIZA
What's the matter?
MELANIE
Well, there's this guy, who obviously
thinks that a, uh, minor amount of charm
replaces integrity and commitment, has,
uh, not only ruined my day, but Sammy's
as well. He's completely missed his
field trip.
SAMMY
My Mom hates your dad.
MAGGIE
So? My Dad hates your mom.
SAMMY
So?
MAGGIE
So?
MELANIE
Liza?
JACK
Hey, it's me. Just wanted to know if
you're wearing panties. What color are
they?
LEW
Huh?
MAN
Lew, I need this photo approved now!
MELANIE
If I ever act interested in another man
again, would you please shoot me? No,
don't take 57th across!
JACK
Pink?
WOMAN
When is Jack getting in?
MELANIE
No, I will not leave Sammy at the 9th
Street Drop-In Center, Liza.
LIZA
Why?
MELANIE
Because he hates it there. You're my
sis, how can you not watch him for me?
Look, I-I-I-I have to meet my boss in
fifteen minutes, then I have this
presentation which-which-which could add
up to huge promotion for me. And-And you
have no job, a Nanny, a cook and a
housekeeper?
LIZA
The nanny is leaving to take Courtney to
Mommy and me, Angela is cooking all day
for our dinner party tonight, Berta is
cleaning for our dinner party tonight,
and I am working in the school office
this morning.
MELANIE
Okay, what about later?
LIZA
Later I'm getting dressed for our party
tonight. Mel, why don't you get a nanny?
MELANIE
Because I can't afford a nanny, Liza.
LEW
You're with a girl, aren't you? You dog,
you. Ha ha!
JACK
A real superwoman. Can't open her door.
Won't shut her mouth.
MELANIE
Excuse me, are you talking about me?
JACK
The First Lady. We're thinking about
doing a piece on her.
MELANIE
No, you're insulted because I said that
I had a presentation and that you don't
work.
LIZA
I do work, Melanie. I'm the CEO of this
household. I'm sorry if I can't help you
out today, but you're perfect. You'll
figure it out.
MELANIE
Okay. Okay. Bye. DRIVER
I'm telling you, who do you think--
MELANIE
Right, right, right. Okay, okay, okay,
okay! Stay with me. Stay with me. There
are cars. Oh! Oh, thank God it's still
here!
JACK
Come on. Let's go! Here we go! Come on!
MELANIE
This is it.
JACK
That's not it.
MELANIE
How do you know?
JACK
There's nobody in there!
MELANIE
Maybe they're upstairs.
JACK
Oh, they're upstairs.
MELANIE
Sammy. Sammy, wait up for me.
JACK
Here. I got it.
MELANIE
No, no. I'm fine. Thank you.
JACK
Okay! Excuse me! All right, here we go!
Take a boat!
JACK
Go! Go! Watch your step!
MELANIE
It was the first boat. I'm telling you,
it was the first boat.
JACK
First boat? There wasn't anybody on the
first boat!
MELANIE
Oh, no!
JACK
It's all right. We can still make it,
goddammit!
JACK
Hey! Hey, boat! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Come
in here! Come back! I got kids over
here! Come back! Hey! Hey! I got kids
here!
JACK
Goddammit!
MELANIE
Oh, who wants to go on a boat in the
rain, anyway?
MELANIE
I know. You did.
JACK
All right. Listen, uh, Melanie. I feel
awful about this and we'll make it up to
you. You too, kiddo. All right?
JACK
Okay.
JACK
Okay, here's an idea. What say, I watch
the kids right now while you do your
presentation -- I overheard you said you
had one in fifteen minutes -- and then
you watch them for me later on today
while I do the column? It'll only take,
you know, an hour or so.
MAGGIE
Hi. Maggie Taylor calling. I have an
urgent message for stupid Sammy Parker.
SAMMY
I'm not stupid.
JACK
What do you say?
SAMMY
You're stupid.
MELANIE
I don't think so. I only let incredibly
responsible people watch my son.
JACK
I'm incredibly responsible. Huh?
MAGGIE
I'm hungry, Daddy.
JACK
Want a Tic-Tac?
MAGGIE
No.
JACK
That's all I got.
MELANIE
Here, baby.
JACK
What's that?
MAGGIE
Nothing. Thank you, Melanie.
MELANIE
You're welcome, sweetheart.
MELANIE
You were saying?
JACK
Well, uh, I was saying that maybe we
could just help each other, help each
other out today.
MELANIE
Well...
JACK
Hey. Looks like you missed the boat.
WOMAN
I guess we did.
MELANIE
I really don't need your help. But if I
did, you would be the very last person I
would turn to. These are the class fish.
They were supposed to be back in the
classroom at 8:30 this morning. Now they
are spending the day with you.
MELANIE
God, I am going to be so late. I have
such a day. Oh! A bus!
SAMMY
Mom.
MELANIE
Phones aren't toys.
SAMMY
Mom, it's not your phone. Mom!
JACK
Don't be like that when you grow up.
JACK
She, um, she just drops off the-the, uh,
the bag of cookies and asks me to keep
them for a week.
DR. MARTIN
And how do you feel about the cookies,
Jack?
JACK
Love the cookies. I have a big problem
with, uh, the, uh...
DR. MARTIN
Cookie maker?
JACK
That's right. Because the cookie maker
thinks that all I am interested in or
all that I am, uh, capable of handling,
uh, with respect to the cookie in
question, is, uh, the, uh...
DR. MARTIN
The frosting?
JACK
Exactly. Exactly. Now, just because the
frosting is my specialty doesn't mean
that I can't do more. I have many layers
to me. And they're not all vanilla,
either. I have chocolate in me. I have a
deep dark chocolate.
MAGGIE
I'm still hungry, Daddy.
JACK
Uh, don't -- I'm so -- Um, Doc Martin
and I are finishing.
MAGGIE
But what about the cookies?
JACK
Just a little while, okay? Uh, it's just
-- I-I am-- I'm sick of angry,
resentful, uh, fish who, uh, think that
you, that-that-that you owe them, but
who won't trust you for a second to do
anything for them.
DR. MARTIN
There are other fish in the sea, Jack.
JACK
Yes, I know. It's just I-- I wish I
could find a fish who wasn't afraid of
my dark chocolate layer and, well, she'd
have to love my cookie, too. You know, I
think that my ex-cookie-maker has turned
me off to fish entirely. I met a real
piece of work this morning.
DR. MARTIN
Tell me about her, Jack.
JACK
This fish was a fox. She has her own
cookie, too. But what a female dog. She
shoved her fish in my face.
DR. MARTIN
In front of the cookie? What's she doing
with another fish, anyway? Is she AC/DC?
JACK
What're you talking about?
DR. MARTIN
Fish with other fish in front of
cookies.
JACK
Fish. Fish fish.
DR. MARTIN
Oh. I see.
GENTLEMAN
Ah, after you.
MELANIE
No. After you.
GENTLEMAN
No, I insist.
MELANIE
I insist more.
MELANIE
You can't make any noise in the office.
I have a really important meeting, okay?
Oh! Ohh!
MELANIE
Don't touch that.
SAMMY
It's empty.
MELANIE
Sammy, I'm really late and I don't need
you spilling anything right now.
SAMMY
Whee-ha! Whoo! Whoo!
MELANIE
Please don't do that now.
SAMMY
Why not?
MELANIE
Because I want you to practice being
super quiet.
MELANIE
Okay. Now, you stay next to me. Got your
dino? Don't you start any noises, okay?
EVELYN
You're kidding.
MELANIE
Just five minutes. Please don't give me
a hard time now. Evelyn, please. I'm
almost twenty minutes late.
EVELYN
Twenty-five minutes late. Mr. Leland, as
you might expect, is displeased.
MELANIE
What are those?
EVELYN
The Haskell blueprints. Rob Wilding got
them in three weeks ahead of schedule.
MELANIE
He did?
EVELYN
Why would you bring a child here?
Remember when Sally Hanson brought her
kid here with the poison sumac? Mr.
Leland just smelled the calamine lotion
and had to take the rest of the day off?
MELANIE
He does not have poison anything,
Evelyn. He's not even sick. He just
missed his field trip is all.
EVELYN
I don't think so.
MELANIE
Five minutes, please?
EVELIN
And I would be doing this because?
MELANIE
Of our sense of solidarity? You know,
we're both women, and this is a tough
office and a tough world--
EVELYN
Five minutes.
MELANIE
Thank you.
LELAND
Evelyn, has Ms. Parker come in yet?
LELAND
Ms. Parker, you're late.
MELANIE
Yes, I'm late. I know. I'm sorry, sir.
LELAND
You're late.
MELANIE
Let me go get the model. I'll be right
in.
MELANIE
Sammy!
MELANIE
Oh, my God. Oh... Oh my...
LELAND
Evelyn, would you ask Ms. Parker to come
in here, please?
MELANIE
No! Shh! Sh! Shh!
EVELYN
She'll be right in.
MELANIE
Put this in the back room for me,
please. Would you --
EVELYN
Go, go, go, go, go.
MELANIE
You, get behind the desk and stay there.
MELANIE
I'm sorry, sir, I forgot, the model is
still in the model shop downtown. I'm-
I'm heading there right now to-- You
see, I went by there, um, earlier this
morning to pick it up for this morning,
but the shop was, um, locked, so--
LELAND
Oh.
MELANIE
And I promise you you're going to love
the model, though, Mr. Leland, sir, and
that today at two o'clock, the people
from Yates & Yates Construction are
going to love it, too.
LELAND
I assume you're ready.
MELANIE
Of course.
LELAND
There's something I'd like to show you.
Evelyn, would you bring in the Haskell
blueprints? Oh!
MELANIE
Oh. Oh, ha ha. Ohh! What an adorable,
little boy!
LELAND
Also, would you check if my amoxycillian
prescription still has refills
available?
SAMMY
Mommy?
MELANIE
You know what? That's a good idea. Let's
go find your mom.
EVELYN
I'm very sorry, sir, but someone spilled
my coffee all over the Haskell
blueprints.
LELAND
Oh, my God. Do you know that every
Thanksgiving I catch strep throat?
Children who are perfectly healthy can
give you strep throat from other kids
they know without your even going near
them. My sister sets up a kids table in
the next room and I still get strep
throat.
MELANIE
We're going to go find his mother, sir.
LELAND
She must work in those new law offices
across the hall.
MELANIE
I'm sure she does.
MELANIE
Um, excuse me.
MELANIE
Hello?
LEW
You asshole!
MELANIE
What?
LEW
You'd better get right over here. The
Mayor's called a press conference, five
o'clock, City Hall. While you were
talking about pink panties, your story
was turning to shit!
LELAND
You know, Miss Parker. I don't need to
remind you what the Yates account would
be worth to this firm and by extension,
to you.
MELANIE
Yeah. No, sir.
LELAND
You know what I think of when I look at
him?
MELANIE
No.
LELAND
Carrier monkey.
MELANIE
He's not a carrier monkey, sir. He, he
looks like a healthy, little --
MELANIE
I'll go find his mother.
MELANIE
Oh, my God. What am I gonna do?
SAMMY
I'm sorry, Mom.
MELANIE
Oh. It's okay, sweetie. It's really not
your fault. It's Maggie's daddy's fault.
JACK
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
MAGGIE
This isn't a very good breakfast, Daddy.
JACK
Oh. You see, that's one of the
advantages of being an adult. You've got
to act like a kid any time you feel like
it.
MAGGIE
Mommy would never let me have hamburgers
and milk shakes for breakfast.
JACK
See what I mean?
JACK
Hello?
RITA
Who's that?
JACK
Who's this?
RITA
Who's this?
JACK
Who's this?
RITA
Who's this? What are you doing with my
daughter's phone?
JACK
Well, uh, damn it. We must have
switched. Um, I'm Jack Taylor. Our kids
in school together.
RITA
"You don't know Jack", Jack Taylor?
JACK
That's me.
RITA
Oh, my God! You're so adorable. I love
your column.
JACK
Well, thanks.
RITA
You married?
JACK
Uh, no. I'm divorced. Uh, um, what's
your name?
RITA
Rita.
JACK
Rita.
RITA
Uh, listen, Jack. I've got to go get
exfoliated. Now-Now, Melanie has your
phone, right?
JACK
That's right.
RITA
Uh, so what is that number?
JACK
Uh, PEnnsylvania 3317.
RITA
PEnnsylvania -- so cute -- 3317.
JACK
Yes, my dad used to tell the story.
RITA
All right, darling, listen. If you speak
with her before I do, would you do me a
favor? Her sister telephoned me here to
see if I would baby-sit Sammy later on,
but I'm in the middle of my Spring Spa
Day at Elizabeth Arden's. I can't
possibly cancel now.
JACK
Okay.
RITA
But, uh, tell her that otherwise I would
have been happy to baby-sit, because no
matter what she thinks, I have forgotten
all about Sammy putting my wedding ring
up his nose.
JACK
I'll tell her, Rita.
RITA
You're adorable.
JACK
All right, good-bye.
RITA
Good-bye.
MELANIE
Hello?
JACK
It's Jack Taylor.
MELANIE
How did you get this number?
JACK
That's my phone you're holding.
MELANIE
This is so typical of you.
JACK
What do we say we bypass the hostilities
and just do messages?
MELANIE
Fine.
JACK
Your mother's in the middle of Spring
Spa Day and can't baby-sit, but she
wants you to know it's not because she's
upset about Sammy sticking her ring up
her nose.
MELANIE
His nose. Thank you. You have a press
conference at five.
JACK
Mm-hmm.
MELANIE
Good-bye.
JACK
Think maybe we oughta arrange to switch
our phones back?
MELANIE
Tomorrow morning when we drop the kids
off at school. On time.
JACK
Fine.
MELANIE
Fine.
JACK
Maggie, when you grow up, and you are
incredibly beautiful and intelligent,
and possess a certain sweetness that's
like a distant promise to the brave and
to the worthy, can ya please not beat to
a pulp every miserable bastard who comes
your way just because you can? Can you
just not do that?
MAGGIE
Okay, Daddy.
JACK
All right.
FOREIGN ARTIST
Uh, let me help you.
MELANIE
It's okay. I can get it.
FOREIGN ARTIST
No, no. Please, please.
MELANIE
Really! I got it. I got it. Okay, okay.
Sweetie, come on.
FOREIGN ARTIST
Stupid American woman.
SAMMY
That guy called you stupid.
MELANIE
Well, I am stupid sometimes, honey, but
I'd rather be stupid than sorry. Come
on.
MELANIE
How bad is it?
VICNENT
Well, it's modular.
MELANIE
Mm-hmm.
VICNENT
So it's conceivable I could lift out
that damaged portion and replace it with
the same piece from the mock-up. That
way, I wouldn't have to start from
scratch.
MELANIE
Vincent, that's brilliant!
MELANIE
Sammy! Honey! Sammy, you cannot run
around, okay?
VICNENT
It won't be perfect.
SAMMY
I'm thirsty, Mommy.
MELANIE
It's okay.
VICNENT
I know you, Mel. You won't be happy with
less than perfect.
MELANIE
Today I will.
SAMMY
I can't get the straw part, Mommy.
MELANIE
I don't even wanna think about what's
gonna happen to my life if I don't have
that model by two this afternoon.
VICNENT
All right, then. I'll give it a try.
MELANIE
Thanks.
JACK
All right. Now, while I'm doing my
column, you need to think of about the
six hundred fun things to do, 'cause the
rest of the day is yours.
MAGGIE
I already know, Daddy.
JACK
Uh-huh.
MAGGIE
I wanna go to the zoo, and go for a
carriage ride and to the Carrousel and
to the National Museum of History, and
visit the Cats.
JACK
No, it's Cats. Not the Cats.
WOMAN 1
Hi, Jack.
JACK
Hey.
WOMAN 2
Hi, Jack.
JACK
Hey, Jackson.
WOMAN 3
I never knew you had a daughter.
JACK
Yeah, this is Maggie.
WOMAN 3
She's so cute. She looks just like you.
JACK
She'll grow out of it.
MAGGIE
How come all the girls are talking to
you like that?
JACK
What are you talking about? Like what?
MAGGIE
Hiii, Jaack.
CELIA
Hi, Jack.
JACK
Hey, Celia.
MAGGIE
See, Dad? See?
CELIA
Oh! You know, Jack, I'm doing a story on
men like you.
JACK
Oh, yeah? What's the hook?
CELIA
Oh, just a little expression my mother
used to use
"Love your guy like a little boy, and
he'll grow into a man."
LEW
Jack! Get in here!
JACK
Fish. You're not gonna believe the
morning that I have had already. What's
the matter with you? You look cranky.
You back on that diet again? Honey, you
remember Lew?
LEW
Yeah. Maybe we haven't seen each other
for a long time. I am cranky, Jack. And
I have a very good breakfast this
morning. We're in big trouble on your
garbage story.
JACK
Oh, God.
LEW
Wait a minute, honey. I want to show you
something.
JACK
It's okay. Go ahead.
LEW
Now, this is Lois Lane. She lives here
in the newsroom.
MAGGIE
Wow.
LEW
Wanna pet her, sweetheart? Go ahead. She
won't bite. You got this raging scoop
disease, my friend.
JACK
Which is what you love about me.
LEW
Why don't you stay here and play with
the kitty, honey? Me and your daddy
gonna have a little talk, all right?
MAGGIE
Yeah.
LEW
That's a girl. Let's go.
JACK
Now, would you rather that I wasn't
first?
LEW
I'd rather you were right.
JACK
I am right.
LEW
Okay. Who told you that the Mayor's re-
election campaign were taking illegal
contributions from the Mob?
JACK
Manny Feldstein.
LEW
Manny Feldstein told you on the record
that the Newark-based trucking company
of Grace & Marr, a well-known Mob front,
was made an illegal contribution to
Mayor Aikens' re-election campaign.
JACK
That's right. On the record.
LEW
In exchange for receiving the city's
sanitation contract.
JACK
On the record.
LEW
Which were awarded without bidding.
JACK
Through Grace & Marr. That's right. On
the record.
LEW
Manny Feldstein's gonna say he never
talked to you!
JACK
What? What? Hey, what?
LEW
During the Mayor's press conference
today, Manny Feldstein's gonna say you
made the whole thing up. You didn't make
it up, did you, Jack?
JACK
Of course not, Lew. Manny told me that
he saw the campaign accounts.
LEW
Where's Metro?
JACK
Deposited in unnumbered accounts--
LEW
Freddy, here.
JACK
Unnumbered.
LEW
The whole page, we may have to print a
retraction.
FREDDY
Of what?
LEW
Get back in there. You know, you're
gonna give me an ulcer. I can feel it.
It's like I swallowed a car battery. Why
couldn't you get two sources on this
story?
JACK
Remember the Cardinal O'Brien story?
LEW
You know how close we came to getting
fired on that story?
JACK
I almost got the Pulitzer Prize on that.
LEW
It's real simple, Jack. Management just
doesn't wanna clean up after you
anymore. Not now!
JACK
I'm a good reporter, Lew.
LEW
No. You are a great reporter, but
sometimes you just get too excited, and
then you get me too excited. And now
I've given you enough rope to hang us
both. And, Jack, nobody almost gets a
Pulitzer Prize.
WOMAN
Jack, I--
JACK
One second. They're not gonna fire me,
Lew. My pictures are on buses.
LEW
That's what I said. Then they asked me
to have lunch with Frank Burroughs.
MAGGIE
Um, Dad?
JACK
Frank Burroughs?
LEW
"Frankly Speaking" is a very popular
column.
MAGGIE
Hey, Dad.
JACK
Frank Burroughs is a pompous, arrogant,
humorless asshole.
LEW
Who's won the Pulitzer Prize.
JACK
You know, you know something, Lew? I'm
not gonna lose my job, all right? I got
alimony and shrink bills, I got all the
colleague loans to repay. I got-- One
second. I have a-a plumbing situation.
Okay? Now, Manny has been my guy all
year long.
MAGGIE
Dad!
JACK
One second, darling. I played bridge
with his mother. I took his niece to
Cirque du Soleil. Just one second. I had
to sit through him playing Tevye in-in
dinner theater, Lew. Dinner theater!
LEW
Jack, I gave you this column, and I love
you like a son, but I can't cover for
you anymore. Now, you've got less than
six hours to that press conference, and
no other leads, we've gotta get
Feldstein back on the record or find
another reliable source to confirm this
whole goddamn thing. Otherwise, we're
printing a retraction. And I guarantee
you, Jack, it'll be your last.
JACK
That's fine. All right. If you need me,
I'm at a different number today.
LEW
Now where are you going?
JACK
To find Manny.
LEW
Take care of yourself, kid.
JACK
Oh, I will.
CELIA
Hi, Jack.
JACK
Yeah.
CELIA
Listen, um, I really wanted to say
something, to you, Jack.
JACK
Right.
CELIA
I've noticed that you haven't been
dating for quite a while.
JACK
Right.
CELIA
Actually, we've all noticed.
JACK
Yeah.
JACK
Hey, here we go. Hi.
MAN
Hi.
CELIA
I know that you're sensitive, but
frightened. I'm gentle, but brutal.
Think about it. Think about me, Jack.
JACK
I will.
CELIA
Mmm. Okay.
JACK
Brutal.
JACK
Marla? Marla, hey! Have you seen my
daughter? Have you seen Maggie?
MARLA
Uh, no. No, I haven't.
JACK
No? Excuse me, please.
JACK
Have you seen my daughter? No? Uh,
Maggie? Aw, damn it!
WOMAN
Hey, Jack.
MAGGIE
Hi, Daddy.
JACK
"Hi, Daddy"? Do you do this with your
mother? This "wandering off" thing?
MAGGIE
Yeah.
JACK
'Cause it's not a good thing to do. Now
listen, I gotta go talk to a guy
downtown. It's kind of a tricky thing
and I only have one shot at it, which
means...
MAGGIE
That I can't come?
JACK
That's right. You can't come. Now, what
am I gonna do with ya?
MELANIE
Look, this is incredibly difficult for
me, but you're absolutely the last
person I could think of to ask. I'm
really in a bind. I could lose my job. I
know you're recording, but -- can you
hold on a minute?
MELANIE
I know you're recording, but it would
just be for an hour. From two to three.
Come on, Eddie, you're his father. Fine,
never mind. I'll think of something. Are
you at least coming to his soccer game?
Six. It would mean a lot to him.
VICNENT
Ah! Mel!
MELANIE
Sammy! Sammy, get off of that! Get off
of it. Time out! Get--
MELANIE
What is the matter with you? You almost
broke it again! Why can't you just play
quietly and not get into trouble for
five minutes? Don't you realize how
important this is? That's it. I'm taking
you to the 9th Street Drop-In Center.
SAMMY
I don't wanna go there, Mommy.
MELANIE
Too bad.
SAMMY
Those kids will beat me.
MELANIE
No, they won't.
SAMMY
Yes, they will.
MELANIE
Well, you'll just have to be really
brave, then. Vincent, I'll be back in an
hour to pick up the model!
MELANIE
Okay. Now when the little hand gets
between the four and the five, that's
4:30.
SAMMY
I'm sorry.
MELANIE
Honey, honey. You're not being punished.
I'll be back and then we can go to your
soccer game.
SAMMY
But that's too long.
MELANIE
Sweetheart, I set the alarm and you'll
wear it, and I'll be here for you by the
time it goes off. I promise. Come on.
SAMMY
But I don't wanna go in there, Mom.
MELANIE
But it'll be fun.
MELANIE
Look, it's Super Hero Day! Hey! Spider-
Man!
SPIDER-MAN
He can't come in here. He's not a Super
Hero!
MELANIE
Oh, yeah? You guys sure about that?
THE HULK
He doesn't look like one.
SPIDER-MAN
He looks like a poo-poo cry baby.
PUPPET
When the big hand gets to, uh, there,
and the little hand gets to, uh, there,
then...
MAGGIE
You'll be back.
PUPPET
Ah! Wait a minute.
PUPPET
Easy, isn't it? Hang on. Come on. Now
you're wearing daddy's watch.
MAGGIE
But I don't have a costume.
PUPPET
Costume? Uh, okay, how about, uh, Bessie
the Choreographer? Huh! 5, 6, 7, 8--
Moo! Moo.
JACK
I don't have, you know, I don't-- I got-
- I don't have a costume.
MELANIE
Oh!
JACK
Hey.
MELANIE
Hey, Maggie! Look, honey! Maggie!
MAGGIE
Hi, Sammy.
SAMMY
Hi, Maggie.
JACK
I thought you told your sister that you
weren't gonna bring him here.
MELANIE
Well, I got desperate.
JACK
Me too.
MELANIE
So, looks like we need two Super Heros
and fast.
JACK
Mm-hmm.
JACK
W-Where'd you get a bag like that?
MELANIE
If those mean boys give you any more
trouble, first go to the teacher. If she
doesn't help, call me on the mobile. If
you can't reach me, call 911.
JACK
Just kick the mean boys in the shins.
MELANIE
Bye!
JACK
Good-bye!
JACK
Thanks for doing that.
MELANIE
Sure. Hard enough being a kid.
JACK
It is excellent.
MELANIE
And you would know.
JACK
What about?
MELANIE
Nothing.
JACK
Know what my mother used to say to me?
MELANIE
Gee, no.
JACK
"Love your guy like a little boy and
he'll grow into a man."
MELANIE
Huh?
JACK
"Love your guy like a little boy and
he'll grow into a man."
MELANIE
She knew back then that you were gay?
JACK
I'm not gay.
MELANIE
Then why did she advise you on how guys
wanna be loved? Taxi!
JACK
Maybe she was hoping I'd meet a woman
like that someday.
MELANIE
You know, I really can't stand those
people who blame their worst traits on
everyone but themselves. It's so 90s.
JACK
Oh, God, what are you talking about?
MELANIE
You're blaming your Peter Pan complex on
your mother?
JACK
What Peter Pan complex?
MELANIE
The one you're so proud of.
JACK
You got any friends?
MELANIE
I don't have time for friends.
JACK
That's because of your Captain Hook
complex.
MELANIE
My what?
JACK
Captain Hook complex.
MELANIE
There's no such thing.
JACK
Yes, there is and you have it.
MELANIE
Here's your phone back.
JACK
Here's yours.
MELANIE
Thank you!
JACK
Manny! Hey! Feldstein. Hey.
MANNY
I can't be with you right now, Jack.
JACK
Manny! Excuse me.
JACK
Manny! Hey, Manny! Arggh! Manny! Hey,
Manny.
MANNY
Please, just don't hit me.
JACK
I'm not gonna hit you. Now, what's going
on?
MANNY
I've been having thoughts.
JACK
We already had our thoughts.
MANNY
Please don't yell at me. You're very
emotional.
JACK
You were the one who said to me this
garbage thing stinks.
MANNY
Yeah.
JACK
Now, I've waited for a month for you to
get comfortable with this. You get
comfortable with this, we print the
story, it runs on the front page, and
now you are telling me that you are
having thoughts. What is the matter with
you?
MANNY
I've been having some trouble with a
dose of my medication. The thing is, you
get the dose, you get drunk, you get a
little grandiose. We were talking about
taking down the Mayor and the Mob
together, right?
JACK
Yes, that's right.
MANNY
That's crazy.
JACK
No, it's not.
MANNY
I'm telling you it is. Now that I'm a
little better regulated, I realize they
definitely will kill me!
JACK
Manny, come here. Come here. Hey, listen
to me. All right. Don't do this to me,
all right? Look at me. Hey, I'm the one
who started your standing ovation for
"If I Were A Rich Man", right?
MANNY
I can't do it.
JACK
You can do it. You're my guy.
MANNY
I got a wife and a family. I'm their
guy, too. You're hurting my neck.
JACK
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right.
MANNY
I'm sorry, Jack.
JACK
Well, give me the... give me a name.
MANNY
I can't think of any names.
JACK
Think of a name. Give me a name. Whose
name is on the account?
MANNY
I don't know. I only saw numbers.
JACK
Okay. Who set up the account?
MANNY
I don't--
JACK
Give me a name. Who set up the account,
Manny?
MANNY
I don't know. Eddie McCoy, maybe.
JACK
Maybe Eddie McCoy. Eddie-- how... You
know what? I'm gonna figure it out
myself. Okay, Manny? Thanks. Thank you.
MELANIE
Hello?
SAMMY
Mommy.
MELANIE
What happened?
SAMMY
I don't wanna stay here anymore and
neither does Maggie.
MELANIE
Sweetie, you're gonna have to stay
there. Just for a little while
SAMMY
Ooh!
MELANIE
What happened?
SAMMY
Spider-Man kicked me and She-ra took
Maggie's snack.
MELANIE
Let me talk to the teacher.
SAMMY
He's outside talking to The Hulk about
not using the "F" word.
MELANIE
Sammy, you're just gonna have to be
tough and brave and wait--
SAMMY
What's LSD?
MELANIE
LSD?
SAMMY
Spider-Man was talking to Maggie about
LSD that he got from his brother.
MELANIE
Don't move. Stay right where you are.
You'll both be picked up in ten minutes.
JACK
No, Manny's a dead end.
LEW
Did he give you anything?
JACK
Eddie McCoy probably set up the account.
LEW
No, he's the campaign manger. He
wouldn't implicate himself. So?
JACK
Uh, city comptroller.
LEW
He'll never talk.
JACK
What about the Sanitation Commissioner?
LEW
Lieberman? Metro!
METRO
Yeah.
LEW
How do we get ahold of Lieberman?
METRO
Lieberman's in Barbados.
LEW
Lieberman's in Barbados.
JACK
The Sanitation Commissioner is in
Barbados?
LEW
In the middle of a garbage scandal.
JACK
Maybe the Mayor wanted him out of town.
LEW
Metro!
METRO
What?
LEW
What's Lieberman doing in Barbados?
METRO
He's there with his new girlfriend.
LEW
He's there with his new girlfriend.
JACK
Which leaves his very angry wife.
LEW
Bingo!
JACK
I'm in the lobby. I'll be right up. Huh.
Here we go.
JACK
Yeah?
MELANIE
Jack, it's Melanie Parker.
JACK
Hey.
MELANIE
We have a major problem with our kids.
They're okay, but they can't stay there.
They have to be picked up right now.
JACK
Okay.
MELANIE
Can you do it?
JACK
Me? Now?
MELANIE
I would definitely jeopardize my career
and by extension, my entire life if I
picked them up now.
JACK
Well, I would definitely jeopardize my
career and by extension, my entire life
if I picked them up now.
MELANIE
Okay, but your press conference isn't
until five, right?
JACK
Yeah.
MELANIE
My presentation is at two.
JACK
Okay, I've got to see this lady Elaine
Lieberman about some information I need.
MELANIE
Couldn't you do that on the phone?
JACK
Yeah, I--
MELANIE
Great.
JACK
Well, is there anybody else you could
call?
MELANIE
I wouldn't be asking you if there were
anyone else I could call.
JACK
Yeah.
MELANIE
Look, how about if I watch them both
from, say, three o'clock until your
press conference ends if you'll watch
them both from now until three?
JACK
You're asking me for help?
MELANIE
It would appear that way, wouldn't it?
JACK
I'll agree if you say, "Jack, please be
my Knight in Shining Armor."
MELANIE
Jack, don't be a shithead. Go rescue our
kids.
JACK
This is hard for you, isn't it?
MELANIE
Are you agreeing or not?
JACK
You know, you're not the only one with a
day. I've got a day, too.
MELANIE
Sorry. I'll meet you and the kids in my
office lobby at Rockefeller Center at
3:15.
JACK
Fine.
MELANIE
Fine.
JACK
Marla, tell Celia to get Elaine
Lieberman's home number and call me on
my cell phone.
MARLA
No, uh--
JACK
What?
MELANIE
I forgot to tell you that Sammy is
allergic to shellfish and dander, and
also he's not allowed to watch
commercial TV, and no matter what he
says, he has to hold your hand when he
crosses the street. Oh, and also if you
go to the playground, I like to check
the sandbox first. You never know what
people throw in there. And als-- uh...
Okay. Bye.
JACK
Fine.
MELANIE
Fine.
JACK
Hello?
MELANIE
Hi, it's me.
JACK
Me who?
MELANIE
You have the kids?
JACK
What kids?
MELANIE
You didn't pick up the kids?
JACK
Oh, you mean those kids.
MELANIE
Look, I was just calling--
JACK
You just wanted to call and check up on
me because you don't really trust me.
Sammy! Sammy, no. Put the gun down. And
you only asked me to watch Sammy out of
sheer desperation. Part of you would
feel safer with him at the 9th Street
Drop-In Center with LSD. Isn't that
true?
MELANIE
No, that is not true. I only wanted to
warn you that Sammy can get into trouble
faster than you can make most women
smile.
JACK
Are you flirting with me?
MELANIE
Would you please just really pay
attention to him?
JACK
I won't let him out of my sight. Sammy!
Hey, guns aren't toys. It's not loaded.
MELANIE
Good-bye.
JACK
Sammy, how long have your Mom and Dad
been divorced?
SAMMY
I don't know. It doesn't matter really,
because she said she'll always love him.
JACK
Yeah? Hey, what's that?
SAMMY
Marble.
JACK
That's a marble. That's what that is.
You get to see your Dad a lot? Come
here.
SAMMY
Yeah, pretty much, usually. He has a
different schedule than a lot of other
dads. He's a drummer. His favorite thing
to do is watch me play soccer. He's
probably coming today. And he's taking
me fishing this whole summer. Just us.
And maybe Mom will come, too.
JACK
Your dad's a drummer, huh?
SAMMY
Yep.
JACK
Sounds like a great guy, Sammy.
SAMMY
He is.
LELAND
Kurt, Jake, you remember Melanie Parker?
MELANIE
Nice to see you.
YATES JR.
Nice to see you.
MELANIE
Nice to see you. Well, voila'.
YATES SR.
I love this. This is -- What is this?
YATES JR.
A vaulted, um--
MELANIE
A vaulted pediment. Vaulted pediment.
YATES SR.
I love that.
MELANIE
Yeah?
YATES SR.
But I need to see this with cars.
YATES JR.
You don't need cars, Dad. Just use your
imagination.
YATES SR.
My imagination? I have to see it with
the cars.
MELANIE
Cars.
YATES SR.
Ahem. See?
YATES SR.
She's quite a little discovery.
LELAND
Yes, she is.
YATES SR.
Why don't you join us for drinks this
evening?
MELANIE
Oh.
YATES SR.
Let's say, 5:30 at the 21.
MELANIE
I--Oh, I don't know if I can.
YATES SR.
What? We'll talk about this project.
From what I've seen, you could bring a
great deal to this.
MELANIE
I'll be there.
YATES SR.
Terrific. That's great.
JACK
Uh, hi. This is Jack Taylor of the Daily
News. I'm looking for Elaine Lieberman.
MAGGIE
Quit trying to be like my dad.
SAMMY
Am not.
MAGGIE
Am too. Daddy?
JACK
Yeah?
MAGGIE
Who's that man on the bus?
JACK
Wait a second, darling. What? Who's
what?
MAGGIE
Who's that man?
SAMMY
It says, "Frankly Speaking."
JACK
Very important. Elaine Lieberman. Here
we go. Hold hands. Hold hands.
JACK
Rosa, Rosa. Rosa, c-could you just try
to speak English?
ROZA
Okay.
JACK
Okay. Hello?
ROZA
Hello?
JACK
Right. Okay. Uh, uh, uh... I need to--
?Donde esto, uh, senora Lieberman? I,
uh, need, uh, pronto her. Yeah. Wait,
wait, wait, wait.
JACK
Okay.
ROZA
Okay?
JACK
Okay.
ROZA
Okay. Bye-bye.
JACK
But-- No, no, no, no. Uh...
ROZA
Hola. La casa de senora Lieberman.
JACK
Roza, Roza, listen to me. Listen. I need
to find Mrs. Lieberman.
ROZA
Okay.
JACK
Okay. Look, if I don't find her, I could
lose my job. If you don't understand,
say "Okay."
ROZA
Okay.
JACK
Okay.
ROZA
Okay. Bye-bye, gracias. Bye-bye.
MAGGIE
Give me the marble. It's my Dad's. Give
it!
SAMMY
So?
MAGGIE
It's my Dad's marble.
JACK
Uh, no, uh, Roza? Uh, no, Roza, it's-
it's-- No, no, no, no, no. Don't hang
up. Do you speak Spanish, by any chance?
GUARD
What do you mean?
JACK
Okay, great. Her name is a Roza Lopez.
Her boss is an Elaine Lieberman. I need
to know where she is. I'm Jack Taylor.
I'm a reporter for the Daily News.
JACK
Elaine is her boss. Tell her Elaine
wants to speak to me very badly, too.
Very badly.
JACK
Jack Taylor. Jack Taylor.
SAMMY
So? So?
MAGGIE
So give me it!
SAMMY
So? So?
MAGGIE
Give it! Give me it!
SAMMY
So?
MAGGIE
Yes!
SAMMY
No.
JACK
Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Guys! What are you
doing?
MAGGIE
Give me it. Give it to me!
JACK
Guys, what are you doing?
GUARD
Mr. Taylor?
JACK
Take turns.
GUARD
Mr. Taylor!
JACK
Yeah.
GUARD
Senora Lopez says that Mrs. Lieberman is
at the Elizabeth Arden Salon for her
Spring Spa Day.
JACK
Spring Spa Day?
GUARD
Okay?
JACK
Uh, Elizabeth Arden? Excellent.
MAGGIE
Dad!
JACK
What? You guys are being a-- Oh, man.
MAGGIE
You're so stupid.
SAMMY
Am not.
MAGGIE
Are so. You ruined my Dad's marble. He's
not gonna want it with your snot all
over it.
JACK
Yes, I will. I'll just wash it off.
You're gonna be fine. The doctor's just
gonna pop that thing right out of there.
SAMMY
How come you couldn't do it?
JACK
Well, you know, that's a little nose,
big marble. But, see, the doctor, he's
gonna have this-this clamp thing that's
gonna come up and just yank it right
out. And you're gonna be fine. You've
just gotta not worry about it, and
you've gotta not think about it. You've
gotta think about something else. You've
gotta think about...
DOCTER
Hello, Sammy.
MELANIE
Hello?
CELIA
Hi, sexy. I miss you.
MELANIE
Look, whoever you are, this isn't Jack's
phone anymore. Who are you?
CELIA
Who are you?
MELANIE
No, who are you?
CELIA
This is Celia. I'm a friend of Jack's.
And who's this?
MELANIE
Absolutely nobody.
CELIA
Whatever, could you please tell him that
Kristen just called from the Bahamas to
let him know her number there?
MELANIE
Uh-huh.
CELIA
And this is very important. Elaine
Lieberman will only be at Elizabeth
Arden's until 3:30. So if you could pass
on those messages, we'd both appreciate
it.
JACK
Your mom is gonna kill me if I don't
have you guys in the lobby by 3:15 on
the dot.
SAMMY
I don't think she'll kill ya. She's not
like that, really.
JACK
She isn't?
SAMMY
No. She just acts tough and mean, 'cause
she'd rather be safe than sorry.
JACK
What does that mean?
SAMMY
She just says it a lot when men try to
open her door and stuff.
JACK
Yeah? Whup! Excuse us! Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.
MELANIE
Hi, you guys!
JACK
Hey, hey.
MELANIE
Um, your friend, uh, Celia, called to
tell you -- Sammy!
JACK
It's okay, only an escalator.
MELANIE
Uh, that Kristen called you from the
Bahamas and also that Elaine Lie-- um...
JACK
Lieberman.
MELANIE
Lieberman will be at Elizabeth Arden's
until 3:30.
JACK
Great.
MELANIE
Thank you so much for watching Sammy.
Really. You, you saved my life. Was he
any trouble?
JACK
No. Nah, not at all.
MELANIE
Good. So everything worked out great. I
was sure you were going to either show
up three hours late or not at all.
JACK
Guess what? I'm not like every other man
you know.
MELANIE
No. I realize that. I was just kidding.
JACK
No, you weren't, but...
MELANIE
Guess what? I'm not like every other
woman you know.
JACK
Really?
MELANIE
Yeah. You probably think I'm a real
control freak, and I'm not at all. Well,
I mean, I do like things the way I like
them, but who doesn't? And anyway, in my
life, I'm the only one who ever does
anything, so, uh, what does it matter?
JACK
Maybe you should let somebody help you
out every once in a while.
MELANIE
Definitely not. I've got all of these
little balls up in the air. And if
somebody else caught one for me, I'd
drop them all.
JACK
But you're not a control freak?
MELANIE
No. I'm a single working mother.
JACK
Okay. I have more work to do than time
to do it. So before you and I get into
yet another, uh, lengthy and exhausting
"thing", I have a career to save, okay?
MELANIE
Do you, do you, do you have any
instructions for me before you--
JACK
No, no. I trust you completely.
MELANIE
I-I-I don't suppose you could, um, you
could switch your thing from 5:00 to,
say, 4:30, because I just found out that
I have a new thing at 5:30.
JACK
Can't switch my thing.
MELANIE
I'll switch mine. No problem.
JACK
See you guys at the soccer game.
MAGGIE
Bye, Dad!
SAMMY
Bye, Jack!
MELANIE
Thanks again, Jack.
JACK
You're welcome.
MELANIE
I-I realize it's difficult what with,
uh, Celia, Kristen, Elaine.
JACK
I know your name, Mel.
MELANIE
So what did you guys do with Jack?
SAMMY
Quit kicking me, Maggie. I wasn't gonna
say anything about --
MELANIE
About what?
SAMMY
Nothing.
MAGGIE
It's a secret. We're not supposed to
say.
MELANIE
Secret about what? About your dad?
SAMMY
And you too, Mommy.
MELANIE
Me too? Come on, you guys. Tell.
MELANIE
Secret about me and Jack. Hmm. Does it
have anything to do with feelings?
SAMMY
What do you mean?
MELANIE
You know, feelings. Like being scared or
hurt or-or-or-or-or happy and excited.
You know, those are -- those are
feelings.
SAMMY
Definitely about feelings, then.
MAGGIE
Yeah. Definitely.
MELANIE
Switch.
SAMMY
Sorry, Mom.
MELANIE
It's okay, honey. So, what'd you get?
SAMMY
Frozen hot chocolate.
MELANIE
Mmm. Yum.
MAGGIE
You like chocolate?
MELANIE
I love chocolate.
MAGGIE
Daddy told Dr. Martin this morning that
he's got deep, dark chocolate inside of
him.
MELANIE
Really?
MAGGIE
And that he'd like to meet a fish who
wasn't afraid of his dark chocolate
layer.
MELANIE
I think I'm beginning to guess the
secret.
SAMMY
Are you mad?
MELANIE
Not really. I think he should have
talked about it with me, though.
SAMMY
He was afraid you'd hate him.
MELANIE
Of course, I wouldn't hate him.
Honestly, that is so silly.
JACK
Uh, you don't understand. This is an
emergency.
RUTA
I don't interrupt Mrs. Lieberman during
her bikini wax.
JACK
Now, listen.
RUTA
Don't bother with the cute face. I have
five sons. You make eyes at me like
that, I make you pot roast.
JACK
Yeah.
RUTA
Oh, excuse me.
JACK
Yeah.
RUTA
Hello, Mrs. Kempner. Let me get your
robe.
WOMAN
Good-bye, Mrs. Lieberman.
ELAINE
Next week.
WOMAN
Yes, indeed.
ELAINE
Down, please.
JACK
Hey, uh, is Mrs. Lieberman here? Here?
No? Okay. Hi. Hey, hi. Hi, hi, hi.
JACK
Hey, uh, is Mrs. Lieberman, Elaine
Lieberman in here, by any chance? Hi,
it's okay. I'm sorry.
JACK
Hi. Um, I'm looking for Elaine
Lieberman.
RITA
She just left.
JACK
Thank you.
RITA
Jack?
JACK
Yep?
RITA
Is that you?
JACK
Yeah.
RITA
It's Rita!
JACK
Who?
RITA
Melanie's mother.
JACK
Oh, Rita. Hey!
RITA
Do you--Sorry. Do you believe what a
small world?
JACK
I know, I just spent the whole afternoon
with your grandson.
RITA
Yeah. He's cute, but he's a handful.
JACK
Yeah, I'm just trying to catch up with
Elaine Lieberman.
RITA
Li-Listen, I just want to tell you one
thing about my daughter, and it's
something that you may suspect, though.
She can make you want to scream like
you're having a body wax. I mean, she's
that frustrating.
JACK
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
RITA
Inside, Jack, she's mush.
JACK
Mush.
RITA
So you scream all you want, but just
don't run away too soon.
JACK
Okay. All right.
RITA
Okay, bye-bye. You're adorable.
JACK
Mrs. Lieberman? Where is she? Yeah?
JACK
Hey, Mrs. Lieberman! Mrs. Lieberman!
Mrs. Lieberman! Jack Taylor, Daily News!
ELAINE
Get in.
JACK
Oh, all right. Listen. Hey, hey.
JACK
I'm glad I finally found you. I have to
ask you kind of a difficult question.
ELAINE
About my husband?
JACK
I don't know how much you know about his
business affairs.
ELAINE
You are referring to the illegal
account?
JACK
So you know about that?
ELAINE
It's in his name.
JACK
Yeah.
ELAINE
I have the deposit slips.
JACK
Uh, I don't suppose you'd be willing to
go--
ELAINE
Go on the record?
JACK
I know it's a lot to ask.
ELAINE
Elaine Lieberman. E-L-A-I-N-E L-I-E-B-E-
R-M-A-N. I only have one request.
JACK
Anything at all.
ELAINE
Fax him a copy in Barbados.
JACK
All right.
MELANIE
Hello?
RITA
Hi, darling.
MELANIE
Mom, thank God. I-I'm in big trouble. I-
I have to have drinks with clients at
5:30, or I'll be fired and I have
absolutely no childcare. What time are
you done at Elizabeth Arden's?
MELANIE
Sammy! Put that down. Honey, you're
gonna break it.
RITA
You only think about work. What about
personal life?
MELANIE
Actually, Mom, today I thought a lot
about my personal life. D-Don't laugh. I
did. I'm serious. I--
MAGGIE
Come here, kitty, kitty-kitty.
MAGGIE
Kitty? Kitty. Kitty?
MELANIE
What do you mean, don't be my usual self
with him? I don't think my usual self
could be all that bad since I'm pretty
sure Jack just told the kids he has
feelings for me. He wants to ask me out
on a date.
RITA
Divine.
MELANIE
Maggie? Sammy, where's Maggie? Take that
out of your nose. What is the matter
with you? Excuse me. I'm-- the thing is,
I'm, I think I, I could have feelings
for him too. Or at least I think I might
be able to, which is, you know, it's a
big step up for me. Mom, could you hold
on a minute? Maggie?
RITA
Well, you know, I had no idea from that
floating head on top of his column that
he was so tall and he's got that good
color in his skin, which you also
couldn't tell from the black and white
photo. He really is altogether yummy,
Mel.
MELANIE
And how would you know?
RITA
Because he was just here, darling.
MELANIE
This isn't some horrifyingly elaborate,
matchmaking scheme, is it, Mom? Maggie!
RITA
Of course not, darling.
MELANIE
Maggie! Oh, my God. I just lost his
daughter!
RITA
You lost his daughter?
MELANIE
Maggie!
MELANIE
Maggie! Maggie! Oh, my God!
MELANIE
Excuse me. Have you seen a little girl?
Excuse me. Excuse me. Have you seen a
little girl? She's about six years old,
and she's wearing-- Excuse me, sir. Have
you seen a little girl? Maggie!
MAN
No, sorry.
MELANIE
She's about six--
MELANIE
Excuse me. Excuse me. Have you seen a
little girl? She's about six. Maggie!
MELANIE
Have you seen a little girl? She's about
six years old.
MELANIE
Excuse me. Have you seen a little girl?
Excuse me. Have you seen a lost little
girl?
MELANIE
Maggie! Maggie! Maggie!
MELANIE
Maggie! Maggie!
OLD WOMAN
Well, hello.
MAGGIE
Hi.
OFFICER
Is there anything else you can tell us,
Ms. Parker?
MELANIE
I don't think so. I just-- He's still
not answering. I-I-I just can't believe,
I can't believe this happened. One
minute she was there, and then the next-
-
OFFICER
I understand that.
MELANIE
No, you don't understand. I just met
this guy this morning and I was horrible
to him all day!
WOMAN
Excuse me.
OFFICER
You're shivering. Jimmy, get her a coat!
MELANIE
Why did I have to be so horrible to him?
I called him immature and uncharming and
irresponsible. And I was my usual self.
She said--
WOMAN
(inaudible) ... now please.
MELANIE
Excuse me! But I've lost a little girl!
I'm sorry. She said, "Don't be your
usual self", but I was my usual self.
And he took perfect care of my son for
me while I did my presentation which
went very well, then I lost his
daughter! How could I have done that?
OFFICER
It probably wasn't your fault.
MELANIE
And I didn't even pay my bill from
Serendipity's.
WOMAN
Do you mind?
MAN
Is that your mom?
JACK
Mrs. Lieberman. Elaine, you have saved
my life. Watch your hand.
JACK
That was smart.
MAN
Jack.
JACK
Mike.
JACK
I love you, Lew. I love this town. I
love this job. I love Elaine Lieberman.
LEW
That's a lot of love for you, Jack.
JACK
I got to tell you something. I met
someone today.
LEW
What are you talking about?
JACK
I don't know how to describe her.
She's... she's luminous. Her face is--
LEW
You're talking about women.
JACK
Yeah.
LEW
Your ass is on the line and you're
talking about women? You nuts?
JACK
That is under control. I have Elaine
Lieberman on the record and she has
proof of a campaign account.
LEW
Elaine Lieberman's an angry wife. All
her husband's got to do is her some kind
of sorry-gram, and she's off the record.
JACK
You have my word.
LEW
Your word means nothing to management.
You better make sure that Elaine
Lieberman gets to that press conference
this afternoon. Either she confronts the
Mayor directly, or I'm gonna have to
print a retraction.
JACK
Don't worry. Elaine's my girl.
LEW
I hope so, Jack. Jack?
JACK
Yeah.
LEW
I just had lunch with Frank Burroughs.
Very bright. Very funny. Very humble
man.
JACK
You love me, Lew. You know you do.
LEW
Yeah. Come on, Lois. Come on. That's it.
MARLA
Hey, Lew! Lew, where's Jack?
LEW
On the way to City Hall.
MARLA
But I have a ton of urgent messages for
him.
MELANIE
I can't sit here like this. I got to go
find Jack. He's gonna be at City Hall in
fifteen minutes. Come on, honey.
JACK
Uh-huh, five o'clock. That's great. Hang
on! Yes, Elaine? Excuse me one second.
City Hall, please. Look, I can't thank
you enough.
ELAINE
Uh, Dwayne. Please, City Hall. Look,
I'll do my best to get there on time,
Jack. I was just on my way to Staten
Island, so I might be a couple of
minutes late. All right?
ELAINE
Dwayne, hurry up!
JACK
Hello?
LIEUTENANT
Mr. Taylor? Lieutenant Bonomo, 18th
Precinct. We found your daughter.
JACK
What?
MELANIE
Excuse me. You haven't seen Jack Taylor
anywhere, have you?
REPORTER
No, I haven't.
MELANIE
Uh, excuse me? I'm sorry, but you don't
happen to know Jack Taylor, do you?
CELIA
Very well, in fact.
MELANIE
You're Celia, aren't you?
CELIA
Yes. And you must be the one who lost
his little girl.
JACK
Hello, Maggie!
MAGGIE
Daddy!
JACK
Hey, hi!
OLD WOMAN
Hello.
JACK
Hi, I'm Jack Taylor. That's mine over
there. Thank you very much for watching
her.
OLD WOMAN
Well, it was my pleasure.
JACK
I'm sure it was. Come on. We got to
hurry. Come on. Let's go.
MAGGIE
No, Daddy. I wanna play with the
kitties.
JACK
There's no time to play with the
kitties. We got to go to a press
conference. Hi, kitties. How are you?
Come on. Let's go. Tag, you're it. Come
on, chase me. Let's go, Maggie.
MAGGIE
No, Daddy. I wanna play with the
kitties.
JACK
Come on. Red light, green light. Come
on, come on.
MAGGIE
Stop it!
JACK
Come on. Let's go. Maggie, come on.
Don't do this right now. Don't you
understand? If I don't get there,
Maggie-- Want me to lose my job? Come
on, come here. Watch your head.
MAGGIE
No, stop it!
JACK
Do you want me to lose my job?
JACK
You really love those kittens, right?
MAGGIE
Yeah.
JACK
Come on. Come here. Watch your head.
There. Okay. So what are their names?
MAGGIE
This one is Bob, 'cause he looks like a
Bobcat. And that one's Fred. And that
one's -- I forget this one's name.
JACK
Yeah. Okay. Listen, Maggie. I know this
has been a rotten day for you. And I
know that right now all you wanna do is
play with these kittens. I don't blame
you, 'cause they're great. But if I
don't get to this press conference, I'm
gonna lose my job. And I don't wanna
lose my job. So we got to work something
out for you and me. Some kind of a deal
here, so... What if we talk to this
beautiful young lady and we ask her if
maybe Bob can come to the press
conference with us?
OLD WOMAN
Mm-hmm.
MAGGIE
You mean keep him?
JACK
Borrow him.
MAGGIE
But I wanna keep him.
JACK
You'll have to talk to your mother about
that.
MAGGIE
She's allergic.
JACK
That's right. She gets all... right. All
right. Um, well, you know what? Bob can
just stay at my house.
MAGGIE
Where would he sleep?
JACK
You know that, uh, the room with all the
box in it? We could clear those out. He
could sleep in there.
MAGGIE
That's a good idea.
JACK
Of course, you know, you're gonna have
to come over and visit even once in a
while just to check up and make sure
that, you know, I'm feeding him and
everything.
MAGGIE
I will.
JACK
Yeah. Come here.
JACK
You know, maybe, uh, maybe what we
oughta do is put a bed in that room for
you, too.
MAGGIE
Yeah. 'Cause he might get lonely.
JACK
Yeah, he's not gona get lonely with you
there. Come here, let me take a look at
this guy. So this is gonna be our cat,
huh?
MAGGIE
Bob.
JACK
Bob. Yeah. All right. Now, can we get
out of here already? Yeah?
CELIA
Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!
MAYOR AIKENS
Mr. Burroughs.
FRANK
Mr. Mayor, do you plan to sue Jack
Taylor and the Daily News for the
apparently false and certainly
unsubstantiated charges they've made
against you?
MAYOR AIKENS
Say, that's not a bad idea.
MAGGIE
Hey, Dad. That guy's on the bus, too.
JACK
Would you hurry, please?
MAGGIE
He has a bigger picture than yours.
JACK
Do you speak English?
MAYOR AIKENS
Last question, please.
JACK
Excuse me! Excuse me.
MAYOR AIKENS
Last question, please.
REPORTERS
Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! Mr.
Mayor!
SAMMY
Mom, what are you doing? You're not a
reporter.
MELANIE
I got to do something. Mr. Mayor! Mr.
Mayor!
SAMMY
What are you gonna say?
MELANIE
I don't know. Mr. Mayor!
MAYOR AIKENS
Uh, yes! You, on the right.
MELANIE
I, w-what about Elaine...
SAMMY
Lieberman.
MELANIE
Lieberman?
MAYOR AIKENS
What about her? She's the wife of my
Sanitation Commissioner. She's got
nothing to do with this. What paper are
you with, young lady?
MELANIE
Uh, I-I-I-I believe Elaine Lieberman has
spoken to Jack Taylor and can back up
everything he said.
MAYOR AIKENS
Jack Taylor is a reckless man with a
gift for manipulating the truth.
MELANIE
Uh, I know Jack Taylor, sir, and-and-
and-and he is, uh, pretty cocky most of
the time, and he does seem to have
somewhat of a cavalier attitude, but at
least he's honest.
MAYOR AIKENS
I don't know what relationship you have
with Mr. Taylor, miss, but it's quite
clear you know nothing about politics
and nothing about journalism. That's it.
No more questions. Thank you.
REPORTERS
Mr. Mayor!
MAGGIE
Melanie! Look, Melanie. I got a kitty.
His name's Bob and Dad said I can keep
him.
JACK
Mr. Mayor!
CELIA
Jack, Elaine Lieberman didn't show up.
JACK
I know that. Mr. Mayor!
PRESS SECRETARY
No, no, no, Mr. Taylor. The press
conference is over!
JACK
Mr. Mayor, you may be able to strong-arm
Manny Feldstein -- that's tough to do --
and you may be able to buffalo my paper
into printing a retraction -- they may
actually fire me -- but you and I both
know this garbage thing stinks, don't
we?
MAYOR AIKENS
Pitiful, Mr. Taylor. You and your little
friend in the outfit, just pitiful.
JACK
What is pitiful, Mr. Mayor, is that if I
had a few minutes more, very well-known
Mob front made out to your re-election
campaign.
MAYOR AIKENS
That's a blatant fabrication, Mr.
Taylor! We both know that no such
canceled check exists.
JACK
You know something? You're right. I'm
confused. There would be no check, but
there would be a deposit slip, wouldn't
there, Elaine? Come here. Hi. Can I have
that, please?
ELAINE
Hello, Sidney.
JACK
All right. This is dated March 15th of
this year. It is a deposit slip for
$250,000. That same day, a deposit was
made into your campaign account for
$250,000, but I guess that was just a
coincidence.
PRESS SECRETARY
The press conference is over! I said
over!
REPORTER
Mrs. Lieberman, how did you discover the
account?
JACK
Elaine, what can I say?
ELAINE
Jack, it was my pleasure.
JACK
All right. See you later.
FRANK
Jack, could I see that document?
JACK
In the paper tomorrow, you can, Frank.
You guys wanna go to a soccer game?
SAMMY
Yeah.
JACK
All right. Come on. Let's go.
ELANE
All right, my copy.
REPORTER
Mrs. Lieberman, does your husband know
that you've done this?
ELAINE
My husband. Funny you bring that up.
He's in Barbados. B-A-R-B-A-D...
JACK
That was an excellent moment of my life.
MELANIE
Congratulations.
JACK
Thank you.
SAMMY
Mommy, can we go to the soccer game now?
MELANIE
Yes, sweetheart.
JACK
Yeah, boy, come here.
MELANIE
I really am so sorry about Maggie. Oh, I
don't even wanna think about what
could've happened.
JACK
I don't wanna think about it either.
When I do think about it, I can't
believe that I was issued shellfish and
dander warnings, sandbox alerts. You
even laughed in my face when I showed up
at your office on time.
MELANIE
I-I know.
JACK
And then you lost my daughter.
MELANIE
I know. It was the worst thing I
could've ever done. I really am so, so
very sorry.
JACK
So someone else is the irresponsible
one, aren't they?
MELANIE
Yes, they are.
JACK
I would like to hear you say that. Say
it for your kind.
MELANIE
My kind?
JACK
Your kind. The, the one with all the
balls in the air. That's the least you
could do.
MELANIE
Of course I'll say it, Jack. I was the
irresponsible one.
JACK
Great!
MELANIE
Taxi!
JACK
All right. Now say, "I can't do
everything on my own."
MELANIE
Why?
JACK
Because with one sentence you'll restore
my faith in women again.
MELANIE
Of course, I'll say it for you, Jack.
JACK
Okay.
MELANIE
We're never going to get a cab, you
know.
JACK
You can't say it.
MELANIE
Sure, you can, just as long as you
realize that it won't be true.
JACK
I'm waiting.
MELANIE
Okay. I can't do everything alone.
JACK
There. Great.
MELANIE
Even though my daily activities, year
after year, immediately contradict what
I just said.
JACK
Oh, unbelievable!
MELANIE
You made me grovel for no reason.
JACK
You groveled for great reason. You are
an arrogant ball juggler, baby.
MELANIE
First of all, don't call me baby.
Secondly, if you don't want your balls
juggled, don't throw them in my face.
JACK
I threw them in your face?
MELANIE
Yes, you did. Starting off this morning
when you thrust your stupid column at me
as some sort of lame excuse for my son
missing his field trip. Balls in my
face. Ho ho ho! Big Jack Reporter can't
possibly concentrate on mundane details
like picking up the phone to say, "Yeah,
thanks anyway, but I won't be needing
you to take my daughter to school
today", and then--
JACK
Well, that's not quite how it happened.
MELANIE
You have to ask, who I can only assume
is gonna be one of your many
girlfriends, if she's wearing her
panties as loud as you can. Balls in my
face. And now in the midst of my obvious
remorse, you make me grovel?
JACK
First of all, first of all, I thrust my
column in your face because I thought
you were the most beautiful woman that
I've ever seen in my entire life, and I
want-- I wanted to make a good
impression. Now, I forgot to call you
this morning because I, as opposed to
you, am not used to doing everything on
my own. So I slipped up there. As for
the panties, that remark was directed to
my editor Lew, simply to piss you off.
MAGGIE
Come on, Dad. I've got a taxi. Can we
go?
JACK
Hey, hey. We got the cab.
MAGGIE
I think my Dad likes your mom.
SAMMY
Maybe my Mom likes him back.
MELANIE
Men like you have made me the woman I
am.
JACK
All the women I know like you have made
me think all women are like you.
MELANIE
Oh, my God. I almost forgot. I've got,
I've got a meeting, drinks with clients.
JACK
5:25. You're never gonna make it.
SAMMY
Mom, it's the last game of the season.
It's for the championship, Mom. And the
coach said every kid has to play or they
don't get a trophy. Even the losers get
a trophy, but you don't get a trophy if
you don't play.
MELANIE
I know, Sammy, but it's on the way.
We'll make it. Okay?