One Night At McCool's Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the One Night At McCool's script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Liv Tyler movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of One Night At McCool's. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

One Night At McCool's Script

            A wanted man in California  

            A wanted man in Buffalo  

            A wanted man in Kansas City  

            A wanted man in Ohio  

            A wanted man in Mississippi  

            A wanted man in old Cheyenne  

            Wherever you might look tonight  

            You might see this wanted man  

            Bingo caller: N-40.

            Four-three on the "N".

              There's somebody set to grab me  

              Anywhere that I might be  

              Wherever you might look tonight  

              You might get a glimpse of me  

              A wanted man in California  

              A wanted man in Buffalo  

            - And D-   That's "D" over the  - ...

              A wanted man in Ohio  

              A wanted man in Mississippi  

              A wanted man in old Cheyenne  

              Wherever you might look tonight  

              You might see this wanted man  

            Ahem! Psst!

            Um, looks like we might get some rain.

            Bingo caller: N-40 that's N-40under the "N".


            The --

            Oh, I'm sorry, I --

            My mistake, I thought you were someone else.

            No, no, wait a minute, kid, kid, kid...

            I forgot what I was supposed to say,

            Y'know, like, uh...

            "The rain's good for the farmers,"

            "Grow some crops," some shit like that.

            Mr. Burmeister?

            Yeah, Burmeister. Sit down.

            Oh, hey, I, uh -- I brought the money.

            Pss-pss-pss-- later.

            Oh! Yeah.

            You're dealing with a professional here.


            Hey, a man's gotta do somethin'.

            Besides, it's too early in the day

            to be chasin' pussy.

            Carl Harding. Sorry I'm late.

            It's your hour.

               minutes. But who's counting, right?

            So, Carl, why don't you --

            I'm sorry, before we begin,

            Um, please make sure that the bills go to my office,

            not to my house.

            - Sure. - Thank you.

            So why don't you start at the beginning,

            and tell me why you've come to see me.


            You wanna hear about my mom and my childhood,

            is that the kinda shit you're looking for?

            If that's why you're here.

            No, it's not.

            What do I look like?

            Just to set the record straight,

            I Just made partner

            at the second-largest law firm in the state,

            so I'm doing very well, thank you.

            So I don't mean to brag, but you asked.

            No I didn't.

            - Okay.

            So you're here because...?

            - I'm here because

            I've got this thing going on with a woman --

            not my mom!

            It's not.

              A wanted man in Albuquerque  

              A wanted man in Syracuse  

              A wanted man in Tallahassee  

              A wanted man in Baton Rouge  

            Got a minute?

            Uh, in a second.

            Come on.

            I hope this is important, Charlie,

            I've got Junior choir practice in twenty minutes.

            I need to talk.

            This won't keeptill confession?

            I really need some helpwith this.

            Is it a woman?

            Charlie: I'm so glad you could helpme with this.

            I don't know what to do,

            I knew you'd helpme sort this out.

            I'm here for you, Charlie, no matter what it is.

            Now, Just take your time,

            and tell me everything about this woman.

            I got all day.

            I don't usually do this sort of thing.


            I've never done this before, y'know?

            That's okay, sweetie.

            You can start with the next game on the green sheet.

            It's four-card crazy bingo.

            Ten dollars.

            Lemme get two cups of coffee, please.

            Oh, uh, yeah. Two cups for me, too.

            O-  ...

             -    - - .

            Y-y-you gotta know, um...

            I got my reasons for doing this.

            Well, that's nice.

            - See, not too long ago,

            my life was goin' along Just fine.

            I was happy...


            Well, maybe I wasn't happy,

            but, y'know, I was content.

            I had a Job, I had friends...

            I had a house...

            I had everything but --

            That steady bang, huh?

            "She," the squeeze, the girlfriend --

            whatever you wanna call a chick.

            Yeah, right.

            And then I met her....

            This whole thing started one night at McCools

            The place was packed, even my cousin Carl was there,

            and I was in the zone

            Everybodys got their power base --

            pouring drinks is my speciality

            I was puttin on quite a show

            for the frat boys at the end of the bar

            Awright, who wants to take the plunge?

            I want it!

            Awright, I know its only bartending,

            but hey, I m good at it

            Randy: Awright, folks , let's go, wrapit up.

            - What a setup!

            You must get laid like...all the time.

            - Oh, yeah.

            The girls are linin' uparound the block.

            Fuck, I knew it!

            They Just can't resist a man

            working for tips in the service industry.

            Tell me! Gimme, gimme, gimme...

            Y'know, Carl, I appreciate your comin' down here

            and gettin' shit-faced drunk, but --


            Don't you think it's about time

            you went home to Karen and the kids?

            Well, that would be a good idea,

            except they're visiting Grandma in Ohio.

            What about that thing called a Job?

            You might wanna go home and sober upfor an hour or two

            before goin' in and facing the partners

            of Do-We Cheat-Em And How.

            Close. You must mean Ragsdale, Hersch & Klein.

            Take a card, young man, because you never know.

            Oh! What are you tryin' to do,

            you tryin' to get rid of me?

            Hey! Let's go to one of those after hours clubs.

            They got these long, long- legged girls there,

            you can look at them and maybe touch them.

            I gotta close up.

            You think Just 'cause I'm married

            I don't know about these places?

            Just because you are married

            means you're gettin' it a whole lot more than me.

            That's a depressing thought.

              Carl, you need me to call you a cab?

              Oh, no...

              you Just sobered me uppretty good.

              Get home safe.

              It had been a fairly busy night

              so by the time I closed the register

              and cleaned upthe Joint,

              all I wanted to do was go home

              Woman: Where are you going?!

              Stopthe car!!!

              Man: Do you hear what I'm tellin' ya?!

              Don't touch me!!!

              Get over here!!!

              Let go of me!!!


              Awright, go!

              Driver: Fuck you!!!

              And there she was...

              This is not the kind of girl

              you usually run into In a dark alley

              In fact, this is not the kind of girl

              I ever run into

              You okay?

              Girl:No, I'm not okay.

              Some smelly guy Just tried to rape me.

              - What a Jerk! Here.

              You want me to call the police?

              I-I know you're Just trying to help,

              but spending the rest of the night

              with a bunch of ass hole cops

              isn't exactly what I need right now.



              You got a smoke?

              Huh? No, sorry.

              This really is my night.

              I bet I could find you one in the bar.

              It's okay.

              I'm tryin' to cut down anyway.

              You're gonna be okay? - Yeah.

              Okay, alright. I'll see you around.


              What are you doin' right now?

              - Whaddya mean?

              Well, I mean, look,

              I Just had this little unpleasant experience,

              and I don't especially feel like being by myself.

              Right, right.

              Well, I was Just gonna go home.

              You got a stereo?

              Well, I got a boom box.

              Only one of the speakers is workin', so...

              I don't know if you call it a stereo.

              You wanna go listen to some music?

              Where's your car?

              Actually, I Just live a couple of blocks --

              Hun --no car. - Sorry.


              So, do you live in a house or an apartment?

              Well, this is it.

              You live here alone?

              It was my mother's before she died.

              You own it?


              Oh, you're so lucky.

              I've always dreamt of having my own place.

              I know what you're thinking --

              The police station might be cheerier, huh?

              It's great.


              Lot of potential.

              "A lot of potential."

              What is she, a real estate agent?

              Can I get you something to drink?

              Uh, tapwater,

              I got beer,

              I got tapwater,

              I think I got...


              I may have a Yoo-Hoo .

              - Beer sounds good.

              I forgot. I drank the last one this morning.

              Uh, I can make some tea

              or, uh, coffee...

              That's fine, thanks.

              Well, tea, anyway.

              Water's fine. Maybe some ice?



              Sorry, no, uh,

              no ice.

              My freezer's on the blink.

              How is it?


              The water.


              Do you like water?

              I love it.

              It's actually my second favorite thing in the world.

              Really? And what's your first favorite?



              It's my mom's room.

                The way you move your sexy body  

                It makes me want to get to know you  

                A little bit better  

                The way you move  

                Your sexy body  

                Makes me want to get to know you  

                A little bit better  

                Girl will make your moves  

                Straight through your heart stingin' on point  

                Like a game of darts  

                Your sexy figure it makes me figure  

                How to get close to you and make your coochie shook  

                I'm so into you I can feel ya groove  

                Don't hold back Just make your move  

                The way you move  

                Your sexy body  

                Makes me want to get to know you  

                A little bit better... 

              A woman after my own heart -- heh-heh.


              You have no idea what this woman is capable of.

              I guess you don't have to worry about that anymore,

              do you?

              I don't think of myself as the kind of person

              who's in this kind of office.

              When I think about people who are in therapy,

              these are people who don't have their lives in control.

              I am -- I'm in control of my life,

              my life is-is in control,

              that is not a problem for me.

              What about the woman you mentioned?

              Right. Uh...

              It started one night at McCool's...

              Its a kind of a low-rent Joint

              Ordinarily I would never be seen dead

              in a place like this

              Hey! Who wants to take the plunge?

              But on this particular night,

              Karen had taken the kids to Ohio to visit her mom

              So I decided to dropin on my cousin,

              who I hadn't seen in a long time

              We re talking about

              an adult who thinks it's fun

              to drink out of a toilet plunger.

              I mean, this is the mentality we're dealing with here.

              Let's Just stay focused on the woman, okay?


              The woman, okay

              Well, I look across the room

              and I saw

              ...a very beautiful woman.

              I hung around hoping shed come back,

              but she didn t

              Okay, time for me to go.

              It was pretty late,

              and I d had a few drinks

              And there she was

              Girl: I'm Just a little bit nervous.

              How do I look?

              She was with this guy,

              and I thought maybe this is not the best time

              to hit on this particular woman

              What is this , PMS week?

              So I got in my car and

              I don't know, I started to doze off a little,

              and I hear all this screaming and cursing.

              Girl: Don't touch me, asshole!

              I'm gettin' out!

              Bartender: Hey!!!



              Driver: Fuck you!

              Therapist: And you didn't try to help?

              Oh, I would have.


              I may have fallen asleep.

              You should know --

              I was practically forced into this.

              Bartender: Jewel?


              I, uh...

              I suppose it's not gonna help

              If i tell you that was really amazing?

              I know it was.

              That's the problem.

              To tell ya the truth...

              I only took one psychology course

              in Junior college,

              I know there's supposed to be this thing

              where you're sad or you're guilty after...

              Well, I personally don't suffer from that.

              It's not that.

              Don't you see?

              That guy tonight --

              Oh -- oh, that creep in the firebird?

              I know that guy.

              Of course you know the guy.

              Let's face it, you're not the type of girl

              who Just Jumps into a car with some smelly guy

              that you don't even know,

              I know that.


              He and I are...

              doing this...


              Oh, shit, I really like you.

              What do you mean by "thing"?

              He and I get in this fight,

              and then you or whoever

              comes to my rescue

              and takes me home, and then...

              He like shows up and we rob you.


              We rob you.

              I mean, do you believe that?

              I'm shocked.

              I-I take it this is

              something that you-you've done before?

              Just a couple of times.

              I know it sounds sick,

              but you don't know Utah, he's nuts.

              How does he know where we are, anyway?

              I'm supposed to call him and tell him.

              You-you haven't done that yet, have you?

              Of course not!

              Oh, good.



              I got it.

              Don't call him.

              Let's call the police instead.

              Not if you ever want to see me again.

              Oh, right.

              Y'know, I generally

              think better with my shoes on, so...

              This guy Utah, is he a mormon?

              Uh, I wouldn't say that.

              Oh. I didn't think so.

              You know, this guy...

              He sounds like a ma Jor piece of shit, you know?

              You wouldn't be talkin' about me,

              would ya, loverboy?

              Wh-why didn't you call?

              I was Just about to.

              Has this guy got anything worth takin'?

              Old TV, a VCR.

              He's got a boom box,

              but only one speaker works.

              A Mr Coffee machine.

              Telephone, um...

              Oh yeah, and one light hooked upto the clapper.

              Hey, that was my mom's.

              Shut your fuckin' mouth!

              You stand there, you call me a piece of shit!

              Huh? I'm the piece of shit?

              I'm here with my lady, you understand?

              It is a touchy situation!

              Has he got a car?



              He's pathetic!

              You-you don't got a car?

              Everybody's got a car today --

              Even bums don't not got a car!

              What do you do when you take a chick out,

              you go on a bus?

              Think you're gonna get laid on a bus?

              Think you're gonna give some chick

              the fuckin' monster on a bus?


              I got a car...

              The "piece of shit's" got a car!

              What about Jewelry, has he got Jewelry?

              Just a Swatch

              Nice leather band, though.

              Oh yeah? Take it off.

              C'mon, you're so slow.

              It's right over here.

              Awright, you're up, slugger, let's go.

              You want me to open it?

              No, I want you to dance with it --



              And if there's a gun in there, Just leave it.

              'Cause you'll pull it out, you'll get nervous,

              you'll wind upmiss in' me,

              then I gotta do what I gotta do with what I got.

              Look at me.

              Look at me when I talk to you!

              I can't look at you and look at the safe at the same time.

              Oh, excuse me, okay.

              You're the big-shot now, I'm nobody, right?

              Okay, I'm over here now.

              Excuse me.

              Got any other features on this watch?

              It's got a stopwatch.

              It's got a stopwatch?

              I never figured out how to use it.

              It's simple, it's this button --


              What happened?

              He was gonna kill you.


              I mean, he was Just --

              He could definitely tell that there was

              something going on between us, y'know?


              Because I've never actually slept with

              any of the other guys that I've done this with before,

              that's how.

              Is he dead?

              Oh, Jesus.

              Do you hate me now?

              No, no, no, no.


              Oh yes, you do!

              No, it's not that, okay?

              It's Just the sex and the violence

              all in one night, it's a little much.

              - What are we gonna do now? - What?

              - What are we gonna do now?! - I don't know!

              Well, think of something!

              Let's call the police.

              That's a good idea.

              - Yeah? - Yeah, really.

              And what are we gonna tell 'em?

              We'll tell them the truth,

              I mean, that he was robbing you

              and-and I shot him, and that's that.


              Tell 'em the truth.

              I like that.

              Uh, since he was threatening you,

              I probably won't get more than ten years, right?

              And with good behavior

              -- I could be out in seven...years.



              - Let's come upwith another plan. - What?

              I mean, that he was robbing you

              and somebody else shot him? Who?

              Well, we could say that I shot him.

              That won't work.

              It's ridiculous, it would never work that way, it's--

              Well, maybe...

              Well, I mean, let's...

              Let's go over it.


              - He was robbing the place. - Yes.

              - He did get shot, right? - Mm-hmm.

              So that's two out of three.

              What's that, that's sixty-seven percent true,

              I mean, that's pretty good these days, right?


              That's some first date, killin' her boyfriend.

              Well, it gave the relationship a certain intensity.

              Charlie: It all started one night at McCools

              Earl Raymond Pitts.

              Had a list of priors goin' back to the womb.


              He was born in Dwight Correctional.

              His mother had twins while she was doin' a bit for narcotics.

              You mean there's another one out there like him?

              Huh. Yeah.

              He went by the name "Utah."

              "Utah" ... The Mormon State?

              Yeah. Don't ask me.

              I'm a little unclear on this.

              He was holding a gun on you,

              But you were able to get your gun

              and shoot him point-blank in the back of the head?

              Yeah, right.

              It-it all happened kinda fast.


              he was standing in front of you,

              and then...what?

              He heard something?


              He turned around, you grabbed your gun...


              Which was where?


              - Hidden next to the safe? - Right.

              Just in case something like this ever happened.

              He turned around, you grabbed your gun, and pow!

              Exactly -- that's exactly how it happened.

              About what time was this?


              About what time was this?

              Oh, uh...

              Just before I called     .



              It's res ponsible citizens Just like yourself

              that make my Job a lot easier.

              You can imagine my mood,

              getting roused from a sound sleep

              to go scoopsome citizen off a barroom floor

              - You wanna talk to the lady? - What lady?


              Does she have anything to do with it?

              Nah, she was waitin' for him back at their house,

              he didn't show, she got worried,

              came here lookin' for him.

              Let her go.


              You're free to go, miss.

              Suddenly my whole life changed

              Like Theresa had come back from the dead

              She even looks a little like Theresa.

              So this girl, she's good in the sack, huh?

              I'm sorry, man, you get my age,

              you like to hear about the old un!


              - O-    -  under the "O".

              Nice ass?

              Mr. Chick Fife, telephone call.

              Mr. Chick Fife, please call your cardiologist.

              You takin' the rap for the shooting

              musta worked out okay.

              Your boss, he musta treated you like a hero.

              Oh, kid....

              Death and good times,

              they don't mix.

              I can't have people comin' in here

              lokin' for a good time,

              seein' you and thinkin',

              "uh-oh, that's the one

              "that put a bullet in the guy's head.

              "Maybe he's gonna serve me

              "my strawberry daiquiri and onion rings,

              "or maybe he's gonna go postal on my ass!!!"

              Joey, the guy was tryin' to rob your bar.

              He didn't take nothin'!

              You put a bullet in his friggin' noggin!

              You're gone! Go!!!


              Wh-what are you doin'?

              What does it look like? I'm ironing.

              We're not there yet, are we?

              What do you mean we're not there yet?

              We're movin' a little fast here, Jewel.

              - Yeah? - Hi, how ya doin'. Need your signature.

              - What's this? -  -   -Mattress.

              I didn't order any mattress.


              How are we supposed to pay for this stuff?!

              Jewel: God, Randy, I Just thought

              we really had something,

              or at least the start of something.

              But obviously I'm incredibly stupid.

              You're not stupid.

              I'll be out of your life in Just a few minutes.

              I didn't say I wanted you out of my life.


              It's Just...with the ironing,

              the-the new mattress,

              they all Just seem like things

              that are a little further down the line,

              that's all.

              Further down the line

              than all the sex we've been having?

              Any further down the line than killing Utah together?

              You're right...

              you know what, it's me.

              I lost my Job today.

              You what?

              I got canned.

              Oh, baby, why didn't you say so?

              Aw... are you okay?

              I guess.



              Oh, your cousin called.

              The lawyer.

              We're going over to his house on Saturday

              for a barbecue.

              So Carl invites me over to his house for a barbecue.

              Now, Carl never invites me over,

              so I'm thinkin' to myself, why now?

              Here you go.

              That's sweet.


              That is some ma Jor league pussy.

              Ha ha ha!

              I meant that in a good way.

              You bangin' her?

              She must have fucked you senseless

              when she found out you shot a guy?

              Because I read that women cream for the violence.

              I don't know what that is.

              When you're fuckin' her, though, because she's so young, is it --

              I'm gonna see if they want some helpin the kitchen.

              I'm Just asking.

              I mean, look at her!

              It's like havin' a porn star in my house!

              Except she's makin' salad.

              You have such a beautiful house -- it's so homey.

              That's all Karen, believe me.

              I wanted to go with lots of stainless steel,

              something we could Just pssh! Hose it right off.

              A lot of this stuff we don't even use,

              so if you really like it, take it.

              Thank you, Jewel.

              It's always been my dream to have a real nice house.

              I already know exactly what it'll look like --

              Wall-to-wall carpeting with matching drapes,

              and a big, fluffy white couch,

              nice dining room set,

              and in the corner...

              a fountain.

              A fountain?

              It's gonna be...

              It's gonna be great.

              It's of a little girl washing her hair

              and the water runs off into a giant sea shell

              with goldfish swimming in it.

              I didn't Just make it up, I saw it in a magazine.

              Better Homes and Fountains?


              Hey, Randy, you got a fountain in your place, don't ya?

              In the living room --

              Oh no, that's a leaky toilet.

              My mistake.

              You know what, Carl? You're not funny -- Just rude.

              - Let's get together some time. - That's a good idea.

              Bye. Hey, c'mon.


              Okay, okay! Ha ha ha!


              Why don't you let Carl run you home?

              No, I'm afraid that's where your luck runs out.

              I can't drive, I've been drinkin'.

              Would you buy a car?

              One of these days.

              Make him buy a car, would ya?

              Let's go catch that  :   bus,

              Let's get the hell out of here.

              Randy: Buy a car --

              I wish he hadn t put that idea in her head

              What's this?

              Oh, a friend of mine's goin' away for a little while...

              So she said I could borrow it.

              Well, what happens when your friend gets back?

              We're gonna be used to havin' a car by then.


              - Then we're gonna have to buy one. - So?

              It's a bottomless pit of expenses!

              You got in surance, you got repairs, car payments--

              You're Just afraid because now you don't

              have an excuse for not finding work, aren't you?

              Stopright there, this has nothing to do with work.

              Did you know it's safer to fly

              than it is to drive a car?

              You're upset with me

              Because I didn't bring you home a plane?

              Another thing, if you think

              I'm gonna be out there

              with a hose and a bucket of suds

              to wash the damnthing, you can forget it -- I'm not that guy.

              Well, fine. I'll wash the car.

              God, you're full of shit.

              What's that? I'm full of shit?


              Lemme tell ya -- I have seen people

              leave the bar so drunk they can't even see,

              and off they speed

              in their giant sports utility vehicles.

              Well, you run into one of these guys out on the street,

              and you're gonna die, and you're gonna die ugly!

              Would you relax?

              Christ, look at this house!

              Uh... I come at a bad time?

              Uh, no.

              Randy: And then that damndetective dropped in

              As if i wasn t stressed-out enough

              I'll let you two talk.

              What'd he want?

              Oh, you know, he's a cop.

              They're never satisfied

              unless they ask you everything ten times.

              After that night at McCool's I was a mess.

              I couldn't concentrate...

              I couldn't sleep...

              I could barely eat.

              Nothin' deep-fried, anyway.

              I had this longing...

              Something inside of me said I had to see that woman again

              Boy, was I glad I got there at that exact moment

              He was getting very abusive

              You're gonna die, and you're gonna die ugly!

              It was like I had been chosen for a very special assignment

              Not by the department, but by a higher power

              I was being sent to save her from him


              Did I...come at a bad time?

              Uh, no.

              Didn't seem possible,

              but she was even more beautiful than the night I first saw her.

              And I said, Good afternoon,

              then she said, I Il let you two talk

              Then he said --

              Not bad, huh?

              There was something about him I Just didn't like.

              According to your statement,

              you closed the bar at one-thirty.

              You didn't call to report the shooting

              until three-fifty-eight.

              I need to know what you were doing during that time frame.

              Haven't we already gone over all this stuff, man?

              Hey, uh, Jewel, how about

              crackin' me open a brew, huh?

              I don't know, it was, uh,

              I had to count all that money,

              It was a busy-ass night, awright?

              I think on this night

              we had those frat boys in there,

              and a couple of 'em --

              Whoa, whoa -- whaddya doin'?

              This guy's a cop.

              He can't drink, he's on the Job!

              Why don't ya do somethin', y'know, make yourself useful.

              All right.

              I'll be outside -- was hing the car.

              Yeah, you do that.

              Man, I'm sorry about her.

              How can I not question our Creator

              for putting this...

              ...human obscenity into the presence

              of such a...

              ...divine creature.

              Anyway, that was the night we had all these frat boys in

              and they're taking "the plunge."

              A couple of 'em ended upin the bathroom

              and barfin' up all over the floor...

              I wasn't listening to a word he was saying

              I could only think about her

              I felt so guilty,

              like I was betraying the memory of Theresa

              but I couldn t take my eyes off her

                Well I think it's time  

                To get ready  

                To realize Just what I have found  

                I have been only half  

                Of what I am  

                It's all clear to me now  

                My heart is on fire  

                My soul's like a wheel that's turning  

                My love is alive  

                My love is alive  

                Yeah yeah yeah  


              Can you imagine how i felt?

              You should see what she does with my hose.

              I don't know what would make me

              invite him over for barbecue.

              You did say you were going to.


              Yeah, but --

              I say a lot of things.

              Why do you think you did?

              I don't know.

              You tell me.

              The woman?

              Carl: You know, he brings her

              and shes wearing this nothing of a dress,

              its a slip! I mean, you can see everything

              For a barbecue.

              No, no, wait a second, what am I thinking? Hot pants.

              They re like cupping everything,

              and-and this top--

              You could definitely see her stomach

              Wait! No, no no -- sorry, it was a dress.

              It was a dress, like a, like a summer kind of

              farmer girl dress, you know?

              With like, cherries and plums and --

              - Okay. - little fruits.

              Shes walking and shes bouncing

              and the grapes and the melons,

              and they're Just ba-boom, ba-boom --

              That's fine, thank you.

              She's so sexy, but pretty!

              - Okay, all right! - No!

              All right! That's enough!

              I get the picture! Let's Just go on with the story.

              So then --

              In any case,

              the reason I called you was

              you're one guy I can trust

              in a situation like this.

              I got a guy with a hole in the back of his head

              where the exit wound was...

                Oh were you Just pleased to see me  

                As you all know  

                You better take care  

                Treat me with respect  

                Because love is rare  

                As you all know  

                You better beware  

                Treat me with respect...   

              Um, would anybody care for another burger?

              I'll have a hot dog.

              If you have one.

              And then she grabs me and she says,

              Lets get together sometime

              So she was coming on to you?


              It doesn't surprise me, really.

              It doesn't.

              No, 'cause --

              I mean, I don't mean to sound full of myself, but...

              But what?

              You're irresistible?

              Women... women find me attractive.

              Do you think I'm attracted to you?

              Well, you're a doctor,

              so I think you have that professional reserve.

              But even so,

              I think I felt something when I walked in the office.

              It's okay, don't worry about it.

              You don't wanna hear about all this.

              No, no, no -- go on, go on.

              You got the car,

              you're feelin' good about yourself again,

              and boom!

              The sex picks up again, right?

              Well, not exactly.

              I was watchin a lot of cable

              - Randy!


              Can we talk?


              What did you do all day?

              I'm watchin' this Norwegian movie again,

              Maria Marushka

              It's really good.

              Randy.. I think not having a Job

              is starting to get to you.

              No. It's not having any money that's starting to get to me.

              Well, that is why I think we need to talk.

              With what they pay me at the store

              we can barely cover our bills,

              not to mention the new dinette set I want,

              or the window treatments I want in this room.

              Well, I'm sorry, there's not much more I can do.

              I mean, nobody seems to be hiring.

              That's why I went to McCool's today

              and spoke to your old boss, Joey.


              You didn't go down there and-and beg him

              to give me my Job back!

              Of course I didn't!


              But I am going to The Moody Blues with him.

              - What? - Tomorrow night.

              He seems to think they're the Second Coming,

              but they're really not my cupof tea.

              Wait a minute! Why are you doing this?

              I'm doing this for us as a couple, Randy.

              And more importantly, I'm doing this for you

              and your sense of self-worth.


              I think that you have a lot of anger towards Joey,

              and that because of that,

              you feel less of a man

              because of his power to take away your livelihood.

              You think i'm gonna have less anger

              and feel like more of a man if you start dating this guy?!


              I'm suggesting that tomorrow night

              when you know he's at the concert,

              you go to his house

              and you steal everything of value

              you can fit into our car.

              You're Joking.


              I mean, come on, the guy fired you.

              And he still owes you six hours overtime, right?

              I Just don't think he knows what he had with you.

              You're so wonderful,

              You're the best bartender I've ever seen, by far.

              You know, the way you worked those crowds,

              you really had 'em in the palm of your hand.

              You know what you reminded me of?


              A rock star.



              I don't know...

              I Just...

              I don't see myself doing something like that.

              It's crazy.

              Once we fence all his stuff,

              we'll make a pretty nice chunk of change.

              Look, forget it!

              There's no way.

              Absolutely not.

              But you did it, of course.

              Yeah, I did it.

              I knew Joey would have A big CD collection

              And I was surprised at all the other cool stuff he had

              You know, Jewel must have taken

              a few more psychology courses than me,

              because as crazy as I thought the whole idea was,

              as reluctant as I was to do it,

              by the end of the evening, I felt great

              I still wonder how she talked me into it.

              Here's a wild guess.


              That probably had somethin' to do with it.

                I got money in my pocket  

                I've got lovin' in the air  

                There is nothin' that will stopme  

                And I really Just don't care  

                I Just want to live my life  

                That's the way it's gonna be  

                And nothin's gonna pull me down  

                'Cause you know that I believe  

                The sun's gonna shine  


                It's gotta be love from the very start  

                It's gotta be love from the very start...   


              The Indian stays.

              I wasn't gonna throw him away.

              Randy: For a while there,

              we almost seemed like a normal couple

              Burmeister: You re slammin it night and day,

              poppin' your cork like a bartender at a mob wedding,

              then one day, like it always happens,

              all that good nookie turns sour on ya.


              What are you doing?

              Oh, nothing. Trash.


              Randy, come on,

              we have to throw some things away.

              But not my Sno-Globes, come on!

              Can't we Just compromise and throw one Sno-Globe away?

              Jewel, these came from my mom.

              See this one here?

              She brought it back from Chicago.

              See, it's got the Sears Tower here,

              and this one here is very special.

              Ya see, my mom used to say that

              this was our house,

              and as long as I never broke it,

              we'd always have a place to stay.

              I knew s he was only Joking, but still...

              You're a sick puppy, man.

              So what kind of Job do you have at this point?

              I hadn't got one yet.

              It was sort of an ongoing problem between us.

              I-   I- - .

              I was offered the lunch shift at TGl-Friday's...

              You lucky stiff.

              I actually thought it was kind of a stepdown

              from unemployment, I mean...

              No, you got it, you won -- I-  .

              Oh yeah.


              Uh, bingo.

              We have a winner!

              I gotta be honest with you, my young friend.

              I'm leaning towards the girl on this one,

              I mean, she's made your dump nice and livable,

              you're gettin' good action on the mattress...

              Bingo person: Hold onto it till you cash out.

              Least you could do is make some money.

              Maybe you should be playin' bingo.

              That's why...

              we decided to do another...

              you know, break-in.

              What do you mean, "we"?

              Yeah, Jewel and me,

              I mean, I'm no criminal.

              I bet he's got a DVD.

              I'd love to have one of those.


              We're going to Montague's,

              so I borrowed something

              from the designer section at the store.

              I Just think you might have overshot,

              I mean, even for Montague's.



              You know...

              ...maybe we shouldn't be doing this.

              The burglary?

              - Yeah. - Oh, Randy!

              Joey's is one thing, but this is something else.

              Would you be happier if we weren't?

              Sure, wouldn't you?

              I'll show you what makes me happy.

              These are all pictures from magazines,

              things I've saved.

              Things that I want in my house someday.

              I've been carrying this thing

              around with me for years.

              Whenever I feel lonely or get depressed,

              I Just add in a new couch

              or a new set of drapes and...

              I don't know, Just dream.

              It makes me happy to think that someday

              I might actually live in the kind of house

              that looks like it belongs in a magazine.

              You want me to be happy, don't you, Randy?

              Of course I do.

              Burmeister: So who was it this time?

              Randy: Just some guy --

              God knows how they met

              They were going to some fancy restaurant, Montagues

              Jewel was sure she could keephim there

              for at least three hours

              It was a good thing, too,

              because it was gonna take a little time

              to clean this guy out -- he had everything

              At first I couldn't find his DVD player,

              and I really needed to, since Jewel wanted one

              So I went upstairs, and there it was



              Him again?!

              You gotta be careful when you say "bingo" in here.

              Bingo lady: Not to worry, that was a false alarm.


              It was like some game show

              where they send you on a shopping spree

              I found a nice new Rolex --

              much nicer than my old Swatch .

              Unfortunately, this guy was I guess a midget

              And then things started goin wrong

              What's this?

              This is the place where it all happens, baby.

              Come on.

              Mi casa, es su casa

              Greg! I thought we were going out somewhere!

              Why go out, baby?

              We got it all right here!

              Best sound system you ever heard,

              a little hot tub, swimming pool...

              The Gregster might even break out his secret stash

              of blow.

              Uh, Greg...

              Uh, I thought, uh...

              Why don't we Just drive for a little longer,

              this car makes me so hot!

              I'll leave the front door open if you wanna follow me, okay?

              Jewel: Greg?


              Oh, shit!





              I had a feeling you'd find your way.

              This is a nice house.

              Too bad you're such a shit.


              Greg: A little dirty-talker.

              Okay, okay, come on, let's talk.

              Why don't we go downstairs and have a drink?

              I have a better idea, baby. Let's talk after.


              Come on, baby, come on!

              Get off me!

              Ha ha!


              You like it a little rough, huh?

              Oh, yeah, you wanna play?

              We'll play rough.

              We'll play very --


              Oh, my God, I don't believe this .

              What is it with you?

              Everywhere you go, there's a dead guy.

              Take the DVD.

              Take the DVD!

              I'm not takin' the DVD.

              Why not?

              Well, I don't know,

              it Just does n't seem right.

              It was all right before?

              Before there wasn't a dead guy Iyin' on the floor.

              Y'know, I never saw a dead person till i met you.

              The guy was trying to rape me,

              does that mean anything to you?

              Now take the DVD!

              I'm not takin' the DVD!

              Don't you want to live in the type of house

              that has a first-rate home entertainment center,

              including a DVD?

              I already got his big-screen.

              I don't see the difference between taking his big-screen

              or taking his DVD -- I want that DVD.

              'Cause the big-screen is already down in the car.

              Jewel: I get all dressed up,

              I get a friggin' shiner,

              I don't get dinner,

              and I don't get the DVD --

              Randy: I didn't care about the TV,

              I was Just doin this to make Jewel happy

              But you didn't take the DVD.

              TV: A local attorney was found slain this morning...

              Jewel: I do not believe we were in that gazillion-dollar house

              and we didn't end up with a thing.

              Did you forget about the dead guy on the floor?

              No, I did not forget about the dead guy on the floor,

              but we're not talking about him right now,

              we're talking about the dead guy on the floor's stuff,

              and he had a lot of stuff, stuff we could have taken

              if you weren't such a chickens hit.

              What's that?

              So now I'm a chicken shit, is that it?

              Yes, I believe that's the technical term for what you are.

              Yeah, well, I'd rather be a chicken shit

              than whatever the hell is it that you are.

              I'm the woman living with the chicken shit.

              Not for long.

              Yeah, not for long, that's right,

              because I need a real man, someone I can count on,

              not a chicken shit like you.

              Ah, good, company.

              TV: Thus far, police have no leads...

              It's that cop!

              Aren't you glad we don't have

              a lot of stolen stuff Iyin' around now?

              You're a genius.

              - Hi. - Morning.

              Thought you'd wanna know

              we closed the investigation on the shooting at McCool's,

              no charges will be filed.

              We're gonna let you slide on the unregistered gun

              'cause it was self-defense.


              Everything okay, ma'am?

              Yeah. Sure.

              Those are some pretty nasty bruises.


              Oh yeah, she -- had an accident.


              Would you mind if I talk to her for a minute?




              At the time, I was glad Jewel was gonna talk to him

              She knew how to handle the cops,

              what to say to get rid of em

              She was good that way

              Whatever happened in there,

              she doesn't want to talk about it.

              That's 'cause nothing happened.

              What we do in these domestic violence situations

              is ask you to vacate the premises.

              What domestic violence?!

              I will go to a Judge who will issue a restraining order

              which means you are not allowed on this property --

              This is my house!

              Or within     yards of your wife until this matter is settled.

              She's not my wife!

              That's too bad -- you'd have more rights if she were.

              You expect me to Just walk away?

              If you don't, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to arrest you.

              You can't be serious!

              This-- this-- can't I Just talk to her?

              I don't think that would be wise at this time, sir.

              Whatever she told you, she's-- she--

              It's not true,

              y'know, okay?

              Hey, Jewel, honey, could you come out here, please?

              I could still book you on the unregistered gun.



              Would you be kind enough to tell the police officer

              that I didn't hit you!

              Would you please tell the officer

              that I didn't do anything to you?

              Don't make me use force, sir.



              Randy: I couldn't believe it

              I was so pissed at her I thought I was gonna explode

              Well, I gotta admit, she's not perfect.

              Not perfect?!

              Charlie: She's like this pure, delicate flower,

              I Just wanted to protect her.

              - But, uh, she was living with another man.

              - That piece of slime? he didn't deserve her.

              And you did?

              I don't know.

              Oh, Charlie.

              I was totally cons umed by her.

              My every thought was of her.

              I was walkin' around in a haze.

              People talked to me,

              but I didn't hear what they were saying

              Cop: Gregory Potter Spradling.

              A lawyer at Ragsdale, Hersch & Klein.

              - What did he do?


              For a living.

              Lawyer. Ragsdale, Hersch & Klein.

              - It doesn't make sense.

              Why would you go to all the trouble

              of stealing a big-screen TV and leave a DVD behind?

              Poor guy

              The only thing goin through my head

              was her

              Everything okay, ma'am?

              Yeah. Sure.

              Those are some pretty nasty bruises.

              Would you mind if I spoke to her for a minute?

              Knock yourself out.

              Charlie, what is it?

              Why would God fill me with this desire

              If I wasn't meant to be with her?

              Sometimes some time apart is the best thing.

              I could arrange that.

              Would I get to stay in the house?

              A temporary restraining order

              would keephim way for...   days.

              But permanently?

              You'd have to get a lawyer.

              Do you know one?

              Yeah. I know one.

              She called you?

              Yes-- I didn't call her.

              She tells me things are going badly with Randy,

              so I thought maybe I could helpher out

              and introduce her to one of the guys in my office.

              In fact, I did, I once introduced her to this other attorney,

              Greg, who's this...

              ...guy who was murdered.

              Anyway, she Just knew that Karen and I were having problems.

              Were you?

              Yes, you could say that.

              Sexual problems?

              Hey, you know...

              Okay, if you want to label it, yeah.

              But I'm not saying it's Karen's fault.

              Was it your fault?

              Maybe it was Karen's fault.

              Was there sex between you and this woman?


              You want it now, lawyer boy?

              - Yes! Yes, please!

              Oh, my God!

              Oh, my God!

              Oh, my God!

              What happened there?

              Wh-why'd we stop?


              I need to ask you for a favor.

              Anything at all -- anything!

              Um-hmm, um-hmm.

              I'm gonna need some legal advice soon.

              You got it!

              You got it.

              You aren't Just saying that? - You got it.

              You want this? You like it?

              Can you helpme?

              Anything! - Say it!

              I will give you legal advice.

              Say it! - I will give you legal advice!


              I'm saying, I will give you legal advice.

              Yeah? - Whooah!

              -She whipped you? - Yes.

              With a whip? - Yes.

              And you en Joyed it?


              Charlie I spent so much time

              going by her house,

              ifyou didn't know my intentions were pure

              you d think I was stalking her



              I looked for any excuse to go see her

              I spoke to a friend of mine

              about helping you with keeping the house.

              Oh, good. Thanks.

              I, uh, I Just

              wish I had known a bit sooner.

              See, I already sort of contacted this other lawyer.

              Well, if you'd rather use him --

              It's Just that I'm not sure if I can get my retainer back.

              Well, lawyers--

              They'll always try to find a way to screw you.


              Well, I-I better --

              I, uh -- - Yeah?

              I was making some supper...

              If you'd like to...

              It's nothing special.

              Surely this was the hand of God.

              How do you mean, Charlie?

              In an instant I was transformed from a broken man, made whole.

              It was like Theresa had been brought back to me

              She even looked like Theresa --

              The way she moved,

              The way she smiled

                Her skin is like velvet  

                Her face cut from stone  

                Her eyes when she's smiling...  

              Can I helpyou with that? - No thanks.

              I'll be right back.

              She even made linguini with tomatoes and onions

              like Theresa used to

              Linguini with tomatoes and onions.


              What's that?

              Oh -- Nothing.

              Probably Just a cat got into the garbage.

              Bread? - Thanks.

              How come you never wear a uniform?

              I'm a detective.

              Sometimes I do, it depends.

              I bet you look real good in it.

              I couldn't wipe the goofy smile off my face

              I was so happy

              Because of her I lost my Job,

              I lost my house,

              I'm an accessory in not only one, but two murders.

              - Shh!

              Randy: I couldn't stopthinking about her

              Okay, maybe I wasn t allowed on the property,

              but that didn't mean I couldn t keepan eye on her

              And then

              she did something that sent me over the edge

              I knew I had to do something

              something drastic to salvage

              what little I had left

              I got the ten thousand.

              Bingo parlor, right?

              Burmeister: Yeah.

              The code is,

              I say, "lt looks like we might get some rain"...

              We came upwith a code.

              I said, "Looks like we might get some rain"--

              Yeah, yeah, I know this part.

              Yeah, right.

              You slept with Randy's girlfriend?!

              I mean, it's not like I never did anything for him.

              He called and he needed ten grand,

              so I advised him for free,

              I advised him how he could borrow

              against that old crappy house his mom left him.

              You're missing the point.

              How did you feel after you slept with your cousin's girlfriend?

              He's not even a cousin, really,

              He's my uncle's wife's brother's kid.

              So he's not a blood relative or anything.

              Did she ever call and ask for legal advice?

              No. No. I keepwaiting.

              It's like she's teasing me.

              I'm dying to give her legal advice.

              I Just seem to be thinking about her more and more

              Woman: Excuse me.

              There's a police detective here to see you about Greg.



              - Sorry about the mess,

              I'm in the middle of changing offices.

              How well did you know Greg Spradling?

              Uh, not that well,

              we worked here for the last four or five years.

              You were both upfor the same promotion, weren't you?

              No, not --

              Not really.

              Greg was a good guy --

              No disrespect for the dead --

              Not really partner material.

              So no matter who I'm talking to,

              she's Just -- she's on my mind.

              Can you think of anything that might be useful to us

              in our investigation?

              Sounds to me like he picked upsome rough trade.

              Who knows what happened?

              There could have been...


              There could have been some bondage...

              Maybe those spiky things...

              Maybe some whipping.

              Could have been pretty kinky.

              But we all know what that's like, right?

              No sir, I don't.

              That's how much she messed me up.

              I mean, I'm being investigated for a murder,

              and all I can think about is her.

              And the whip? - Yes.

              There was another reason I went to see her that day.

              Something had come up at work

              The shoeprints we found on Winfield road

              turned out to be Converse All-Stars,

              the same brand the boyfriend wore

              And if he was there,

              there was a chance she might have been

              I had the same sick feeling in my stomach

              that I had when I was waiting for The results

              to come back from the lab at the hospital

              Unfortunately, her print did match one at the murder site

              That scum, that boyfriend of hers

              There's no telling what he forced her to do

              before I came along -- I wasn't going to let her

              get dragged into a murder investigation

              I knew she had nothing to do with it

              There's something I have to ask you.

              Is it an inside question or an outside question?

              There was a burglary last week on Winfield Road.

              A man was killed.

              - Was she able to convince you

              that she didn't have anything to do with it?

              She was very convincing

              It was a miracle!

                The way you move  

                Your sexy body  

                It makes we want to get to know you  

                A little bit better.  


              Oh --

              There was sex?

              God helpme, It was wonderful.

              No, for me to helpyou,

              I-I need to hear everything.

              See, you have to tell me all about

              the-the-various acts of physical congress between --

              - I already told you that.

              Okay, no, that's fine,

              I'm not-- it doesn't--

              I shouldn't have done that.

              It's okay, I wanted to.

              Are you going to arrest Randy?

              I've got a warrant out for him now.

              That car he's driving is stolen.

              Add a murder charge to that

              and you won't see him for a long time.

              So I'll get to keepthe house.


              This is all I have left.

              How not perfect can one woman be?

              Aces in the boink department.

              Got yourself a snazzy new watch.

              Like this is supposed to make everything better?

              But you gotta admit, that's a beaut.

              Here's the money, Just take it.

              Take it. Take it! - Shh!

              Kid -- easy, easy.

              Would the owner of a blue Geo Metro

              Missouri license plates   KP   please report

              to the front desk.

              Is that my car?

              You got any idea what they want?


              Is there any possibility that she might have --

              Stolen? - Yeah.

              Bingo lady: I want to remind everyone

              that Saturday is "Hawaiian night."

              She gave me a stolen car.

              Women are much more complicated than we think they are.

              C'mon, let's get out of here.

              Announcer: We'll get back to the game

              as soon as the troopers finish their business.

              Cop: Sir, is this your car?

              Burmeister: That piece of shit?

              Officer, what do I look like?

              You know, to tell you the truth,

              she doesn't sound worse than most of 'em.

              - But you'll do it, right?

              Business is business.

                A wanted man in Mississippi  

                A wanted man in old Cheyenne  

                Wherever you might look tonight  

                 You might see this wanted man   

                What do you think?

                Oh, what do I think?

                Oh, the flesh is weak...

                But ours is a forgiving God.

                But I destroyed evidence

                I withheld information for a murder investigation

                - Charlie, look --

                You deserve some happiness.

                The kind of happiness that a...

                ...a good woman can bring a man.


                Yes, I have this great Job

                and this great office and this great family

                and this great house --

                How does this make you feel?


                I feel nothing.

                And who knows, it happened so fast.

                I mean, here's this guy in my office --

                -- what is he, thirty-five years old --

                and he goes like that.

                I could walk out of your office

                and get hit by a truck.

                I don't want to live like that anymore.

                Let me Just feel something, anything,

                and then I will look up and I will say,

                "Thank you, God. Thank you for that gift."

                And...then if the truck wants to get me, then okay.

                And then I meet this woman.

                She makes me feel...

                Thank you.


                I'm sorry.

                - Have you acted on your desire to see this woman again?

                Do you think I should?

                Time's up.


                Sorry, time's up.

                What, are you kidding me?

                Are you Joking? - Your time's up.

                Do you think I should see her? Just tell me that!

                  A wanted man in California  

                  A wanted man in Buffalo  

                  A wanted man in Kansas City...  

                So this is it, huh?

                Could be Boise or Boston.

                Point is, she ain't anywhere around.

                Check in, you get yourself known.

                Go out, talk to the clerks in stores, waitresses, the works.

                You got a calling card? - Yeah.

                Make some long distance calls .

                Anything to prove you've been here for a couple of days.

                Awright? - Gotcha.

                Not so fast, Slick.

                Now I'll take the money.

                Oh, yeah.

                There it is. Ten thousand dollars.

                You're not gonna count it?


                You trust me?

                No. But I do kill people.


                I'll be callin' by seven.

                You think I'm a bad person?

                Good afternoon, gentlemen.

                Would you like to try our new fragrance?

                Good after --

                - No thanks.

                Hi sir. Would you like to try our new fragrance?

                No thanks.


                Hey buddy, It's me, Randy.

                - Hey, I was Just talkin' to somebody about you.

                What, uh, what's up?

                - Not a whole hell of a lot.

                I'm Just here in Collinsville.

                Jewel and I needed a little time away from each other.


                So, uh, so she didn't go with you?

                - No, man.

                So she's-- She's home,

                she's all by herself now?

                Jewel and I had a little bit of a tiff.

                Good. Spend a coupla days away and let things cool off.

                And you know what? Thing's will work out fine.

                Do you really think so? - Absolutely!


                Stay there! Okay.

                TV: Are you all alone? Are you heartbroken?

                Did something happen to the romance?

                Did things get out of hand,

                and now you're afraid they've gone too far?

                Are you about to lose that someone special forever?

                If you are one of the    out of     men

                who surveys tell us suffer deepemotional pains,

                then I am talking to you!

                Don't lose that someone -- Act now!

                We have psychics trained and standing by

                to helpyou through this difficult period.

                Don't lose that special someone!

                Pick upthe phone

                and bring the Jewel back into your life!

                Tomorrow may be too late...

                Call EPS now! Don't waste another minute!

                Man: Hey! What are you doing!?

                Garbage man: Hey!

                Come on!

                Carl:   When love comes rollin' upyour way  

                  Open up and let that breeze blow  

                  'Cause today's your lucky day  

                No, I don't want to talk to the kids.

                Can you Just tell them?

                Don't-don't put them on.

                You don't have to -- Hi, Sweetie!

                Um, ah, no. Daddy's not gonna be home.

                What do you mean?

                Well, how did the dog get out?

                Well, where's his leash?

                Okay, Daddy's gotta --

                Daddy's gotta go.

                - Dad, don't -- Okay, Sweetheart.

                Cosmetic department, please.

                Cosmetic department!


                you can't Just barge into somebody's house!

                Keepyour hands up, Scummo.

                You are in big trouble.

                You need a search warrant.

                I happen to be an attorney.

                I Just made partner

                at the second-largest law firm in the state.

                That's where I've seen you before.

                You need a search warrant.

                This is my girlfriend's house!

                Bullshit! This is Randy Weltzer's house.

                He happens to be my cousin.

                He's your cousin? - Yes.

                And as his attorney, I can assure you

                that he will be filing a suit against you

                and the entire St. Louis Police Department.

                Well, I guess it'll be right after he stands trial

                for the murder of your former associate Gregory Spradling.


                Are you crazy?

                Mister, you better take a good long look in the mirror

                before you call somebody else crazy.

                Get your clothes on. I'm takin' you in.

                Okay, um, for what?

                For murder.

                You and Spradling were in competition for the same position.

                So you and your...

       incestuous lover killed him.

                What?! No--

                First of all, I am not gay.

                Interesting choice of wardrobe, then.

                I'm married, with two kids.

                Ha ha!

                I'm so not gay,

                I'm here to fuck my cousin's girlfriend.

                I oughta shoot you right now.

                He's not really my cousin,

                he's my uncle's wife's brother's kid.

                That's enough!

                - Come on, hey!

                Freeze! Freeze!!!

                You're making a very big mistake.

                You better watch it, buddy, I am an attorney!

                Get down!

                You're making a very serious mistake!

                Shut up! - Ungh!!!

                Un!!! You're in big trouble!

                Carl: Okay, here she is.

                She'll clear up this whole thing.

                What are you doing here?!

                Uh, Carl...

                What's goin' on?

                It's not what it looks like.

                Why are you wearing that?

                Like you don't know.

                Hey, I'm not the one

                who's got him bent over the table.

                This is official police business.

                Carl, what are you doing here?!

                Where is Jewel?

                It was Just that one time with me and Jewel, I swear.

                What do you mean, one time?

                You're Iyin'. She never let you touch her.

                Yeah, not like you, her "boyfriend."

                Do you believe that? He calls himself Jewel's boyfriend!

                I'm warning you.

                Where is she?!

                I was expecting her here any minute!

                Why do you think I'm dressed like this, for Halloween?

                You're dressed like that because your perverted cousin --

                Wait a minute. We gotta find her!

                You are violating a restraining order and are under arrest!

                You don't understand.

                Someone is coming here to kill her!




                Which one of you homos

                killed my brother?

                I'm not gay --

                Shut up!

                I understand the man that killed my brother, Utah,

                he lives here.

                And I'm not leaving 'till I kill him.

                Now, which one of you was it?

                I said, which one of you

                was it!?

                I-I-I'm an attorney.

                I'm sure you and your brother were very close -- that's good.

                Avenging his death, wanting to avenge his death,

                that's admirable, who doesn't understand that?

                But as a lawyer...

                What the hell?

                Jewel: You want to explain to me

                what you're doing

                looking through the window of my house?

                Give me your gun.

                I lost my dog, uh --

                he came off his leash.

                And you need a .    for that?

                Well, it's a rough neighborhood...

                ... Jewel.

                You should know that.

                Look at these guys.

                Carl: Legally, you're swimming

                against the current here,

                but you've got think about the fact

                that if you kill all three of us,

                you will be adding here, and I'm Just guessing,

                a second and possibly third strike

                to your record.

                Which would be heading you

                to some very serious prison time.

                You I'll kill Just for annoying me.

                Now, I would appreciate

                if the man that killed my brother Utah

                would stepforward and take responsibility

                for their actions,

                or I will have no other choice

                than to kill all you daN...

                ...Village People!


                better damnwell

                start talkin'!



                Lord, please don't let them find me in this outfit!


                I'm really gonna miss that little house.

                Yeah, I know what you mean.

                When I'm on the road a few days

                I really miss my place.

                You have a house?

                Oh, yeah -- I'm a real homebody.

                Nothin' I like better than stayin' home on a quiet night

                watchin' a good movie on my DVD.

                You have a DVD?

                If you're gonna have a first-rate home entertainment center,

                you gotta have a DVD.

                Not that my place doesn't need some fixin' up.

                Hell, I was even thinking about putting in a fountain.


                Thank you, God!

                  Y. M.C.A.  

                  Y. M.C.A.  

                  You can get yourself clean,  

                  You can have a good meal,  

                  You can do whatever you feel  

                  Young man  

                  Are you listenin' to me?  

                  I said, young man,  

                  What do you want to be?  

                  I said, young man  

                  You can make real your dreams  

                  But you've got to  

                  Know this one thing:  

                  No man does it all by himself...   

                  She likes the attention  

                  Not to mention how the boys line up 

                  She can't stop turnin' it on  

                  And on and on and on and on  

                  She likes the attention  

                  Not to mention how the boys line up 

                  And she can't stop turnin' it on  

                  And on and on And on and on  

                  She could always see through my hand,  

                  Never was a fool for my master plan  

                  And though I grew tired of the games  

                  I would wait around for my luck to change  

                  Does she not make my heart beat a little faster?  

                  Doesn't she move me like a natural disaster?  

                  She likes the attention  

                  Not to mention how the boys line up 

                  And she can't stop turnin' it on  

                  And on and on and on and on  

                  She likes the attention  

                  Not to mention how the boys line up 

                  And she can't stop turnin' it on  

                  And on and on and on and on  

                  She was always leading me on  

                  And I would hang around till the break of dawn  

                  Though I always fell for the bait  

                  I was Just a pawn to manipulate  

                  Does she not make my heart beat a little faster?  

                  Doesn't she move me like a natural disaster?  

                  She likes the attention  

                  Not to mention how the boys line up 

                  She can't stop turnin' it on  

                  And on and on and on and on  

                  She likes the attention  

                  Not to mention how the boys line up 

                  She can't stop turnin' it on  

                  And on and on and on and on  

                  She likes the attention  

                  Not to mention how the boys line up 

                  She can't stop turnin' it on  

                  And on and on and on and on.  

                  She likes the attention  

                  Not to menton how the boys line up 

                  And she can't stop turnin' it on  

                  And on and on and on and on  

                  Turnin' it on  

                  Turnin' it on  

                  And on and on  

                  Turnin' it on  

                  Turnin' it on and on and on...   




Special help by SergeiK