Donated by SergeiK
Damn it, Dedee!
What is the matter with you? Why aren't you dressed yet?
You better get in there, missy, and wear what I put out for you.
Do you hear me?
I'm not about to have you show up in that crap you wear to school.
This isn't just any old day of the week, you know.
You're gonna show me and your stepfather some respect for once in your life.
If you're one of those people who don't like movies...
where some person you can't see talks the whole time...
and covers up all the holes in the plot and...
at the end says, "I was never the same after that summer"...
or whatever, like it was so deep they can't stand it...
then you're out of luck. Things get very complicated here very quick.
And my guess is you're not gonna be up to it without me talking.
Lord, help me...
My name is Dedee Truitt.
I'm sixteen, and this is Creve Coeur, Louisiana...
which is French, I think, for like, fucked heart.
My mother was the kind of mother who always said...
she was her daughter's best friend.
Whenever she did, I thought, great, not only do I have a shitty mother...
but my best friend's a loser bitch.
Dedee, honey, put the dirt on like I told you how to.
She was all over me the day we buried my stepfather.
That's not what I said! What are you doing?
Les was a real asshole.
To get cancer of the ass was, like, poetic.
Almost as good as cancer of the dick... if they have that.
I had to get out of there.
Look around. Wouldn't you?
This part where I take the gun is, like, important.
It comes later, but I'm putting it in here for foreshadowing.
Which we covered when we did Dickens.
If you're smart, you won't forget I've got it.
Randy was a geek, but he was nicer than a lot of the guys...
mostly because he was born with only one ball.
And he was pretty nice to anyone who'd sleep with him and not make fun of it.
- Go! - You had to ignore the Christian stuff.
I told him I was going to my grandma's in Memphis.
But where I was really going was Indiana to see my brother Bill...
who was really only my half-brother...
and who I'd seen once before when I was a kid when my real dad died.
Bill's like dozens of years older than me...
and a actual real-life homo and a teacher...
which is kind of gross, I mean, the combo.
But he had a lot of money from his last boyfriend who died of AIDS.
And I needed a place to get my shit together.
If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love...
you're in over your head.
I don't have a heart of gold, and I don't grow one later, okay?
There's other people a lot nicer coming up.
We call them losers.
You're not Bill.
No, I'm Matt. Bill's at school.
Are you one of his students?
'Cause he really doesn't like his students coming here.
It's okay, I'm his sister.
I gotta call you back.
I didn't know he had a sister.
Who are you?
Can I come in? I'm a real relation.
Yeah, come on.
Okey-dokey, butts out.
Come on, let's go, let's go.
You holding up the wall there, Joe?
No, I just can't go if anybody's around.
There's a sentence here that's a fragment. What is it?
Every Tuesday after Yearbook here?
Now how would you fix that?
I guess you could say, Mr. Truitt blanks it hard...
here every Tuesday after Yearbook?
Or just Tuesdays after Yearbook.
You don't need the every, right?
Yeah, I guess so. Can I go?
Probably not a good idea to use your real name.
Phone call for Mr. Truitt. Telephone call for Mr. Truitt.
- She's upset but-- - What is she upset about?
- she took a shower. I don't know. - How did she get here?
- She took a bus. - Can you believe this place?
Gays love houses. Tom, the dead guy, was really loaded.
I'd already worked on the beautiful dumb one. He helped out.
I laid it on kind of thick about Mom drinking...
and how tough it was on me watching my step dad die...
which is, like, so opposite.
And how it would give Mom and me a chance to grieve in our own ways...
if there was a little distance between us, just for the summer.
Plus, I'd clean for them, or tell the maid places she missed.
Bill was like the definition of a softie.
Matt didn't look like a fairy at all.
But it was easy to see why he'd screw around with Bill.
And a blow job is a blow job if you're getting one.
If you're giving one, it's harder. But even so, it's like rule one about sex.
If you don't breathe in, a person can do anything for ten minutes.
A runaway. It's like harboring a fugitive...
Everything was going great until she showed up.
The sister of Tom, the dead guy.
That's how Bill met him.
She teaches next to him, and one day she introduces him to her brother.
This is like eight years ago.
She probably thought they could fish or play ball together.
And they end up with their dicks in each other's mouth.
She looked like she never got over it.
Gross. But notice how pretty the urn is.
That's typical gay.
I'm gonna clear the table.
No, no, but-- Matt and me.
What's your name again?
It's weird. How do you spell it?
It should be pronounced Luchia.
When I was a kid learning how to spell...
I thought they were just pronouncing it wrong.
Because I have two sisters, Marcia and Tricia.
So I decided it was pronounced Lusha...
and it stuck. And now I kind of like it.
Yeah, it makes you different.
Do you have a cigarette?
No, I don't.
Matt told me about your brother and Bill. I'm sorry he's dead.
Did he give it to Bill?
That is none of your business.
Actually, it is.
I could drink out of the same cup or something, accidentally...
if I stay for a while.
What do they teach you in Louisiana?
It's roughly, you reap what you sow, if you're gay.
You don't get it from cups.
Anyway, they're both negative. Do you know what negative means?
Bill's kind of cute, isn't he? Even though he's old.
Yeah, but he's still kind of cute. He looks like my father.
I have a picture. You wanna see?
He married Bill's mom first.
Then he met this lady who typed 140 words per minute.
Traveled around the country...
demonstrating typewriters and tight sweaters.
After that broke up, he married my mom.
That's the one that killed him.
Yes, there's a resemblance.
Too bad he's a fairy, right?
That's not how I would put it.
Then, too bad he's however you would put it.
Matt worked the night shift at Kinko's, so he didn't go in till four.
We hung out a lot.
He was like a blind person, you know?
They can't see, but they hear real well.
Matt couldn't think at all, but he looked great.
Cute, stupid people survive, have lots of cute, stupid babies who also survive.
It was like watching evolution at work...
as long as you reproduced.
How long have you been here?
A year in June.
So it's kind of like, if you were normal, you'd be in love.
In love, I don't know.
I think he was in love with Tom.
Did you know him?
No, just from what his sister says.
Bill doesn't talk about him that much.
He's like, what, twenty years older than you?
Nine. Sometimes ten, depending on the month.
Have you always been a mo?
Yeah, I guess.
You've never slept with a girl.
Nope, never came up.
So to speak, right?
It's just not for me.
How would you know if you've never tried it?
I never tried Communism, but I know I wouldn't like that.
It's the same thing. Or grits.
Have you ever slept with a Black person?
No, I don't think so.
Because you know you wouldn't like it.
No, I don't know that.
So even though you've never tried either...
you'd have sex with a Black person but not with me.
God, it's like reverse discrimination.
Yeah, it's prejudice.
Would you mind?
I think you can reach them yourself.
Scared you'll get a woody?
you're really great, but I'm gay.
Whatever. You're my boyfriend's sister--
Half-sister. Look, I get it, okay?
If I was you and I had this great setup...
and the guy I was with was fifteen years older than me...
and all I had to do was blow him a couple of times a year...
I wouldn't rock the boat either.
You're a homo. Fine, whatever. Like I give a shit.
Nine-- ten at the most-- years older.
He could be your father.
Basically, you're blowing your father. That can't feel right.
I never knew my father.
And you really think this is a good way to make up for it?
Matt struggled for a while, which I thought showed a lot of loyalty to Bill.
But I got him over that. And by the end of the month...
he was calling in sick to Kinko's so often, they almost fired him.
I almost felt bad about it. But I had my reasons.
I know AIDS is like awful and stuff...
and that guy who got all those boys up to his room...
and ate them and froze them and then got killed in prison...
Like we cared. I mean, all that is disgusting.
But they do look better than straight people. And smell better.
They're cleaner, if you don't count viruses.
And there's not all that hair in their ears and noses and stuff.
So it evens out.
Anyway, Matt wasn't totally faggy.
He knew what to do with it, believe me.
I've got bad news.
Okay, I'll drive you.
No, I mean, I'm late.
My period's late.
Do you know what that means?
I'm pregnant. We're pregnant.
You're kidding. We were using condoms.
Are you sure?
Is it mine?
See? Only straight boys ever say that line. You're in.
No, I mean, don't get my hopes up if you're not sure.
We were gonna break it to him in stages.
One, we're in love. Two...surprise.
We had just gotten to number one when Lucia dropped by. Typical.
I knew you were trouble. This is your brother here.
And you, how could you?
It just happened. We didn't mean to hurt anyone.
You're gay, you jerk!
- He just never met the right woman. - Yeah, one with a dick.
Is that a cut?
For your information, I'm bisexual.
I went to a bar mitzvah once, that doesn't make me Jewish.
Who says that bisexual shit besides gay men?
I'd understand if we can't go on living here.
You would get that, congratulations.
It's just that...with the baby and all, it would be easier.
It was gonna be a surprise.
- Do you wanna get an abortion? - No...god...
Bill, if we could just stay here until we get married and the baby comes...
Who said anything about getting married?
You don't wanna get married?
I just don't think it's something we should rush into.
No, but bring another human life onto the planet, that's whim time.
Am I the only one here who wants to kill someone?
- You wish. - I'll talk to you all tomorrow.
Smoking is bad for the baby.
Like you care. Or was it someone else who mentioned abortion?
You're breaking his heart.
I think I'm a little late for that.
Where are you going? Matt?
Give me one of those.
At least now he'll know what Matt's really like.
You're probably a blessing in disguise.
A fucking good disguise.
God, how does a woman get so bitter?
She's under seventeen, and she's my sister.
I didn't take advantage of her.
She had a death in the family. She came to us for help.
She said you'd be jealous.
I'm gonna have a kid, Bill.
I'm gonna have a normal life. That pisses you off.
Fuck you, Matt. Fuck you.
Don't talk, pack. Pack yourself, pack her...
and get the hell out of here!
I kind of felt sorry for him. He couldn't help being old.
I said he was really nice, and thanks for the hospitality...
and don't tell my mom.
Here's where he finds out we took the safe deposit money...ouch.
But he's gonna cover for us and tell them he authorized it.
Such a nice guy.
Love him, hate me, right?
People getting dumped are always lovable, even homos.
Wait. I can really lay it on.
It's just music. It doesn't mean he's better than me.
You can't help yourselves.
you see someone smell a pillow or an old T-shirt, you're a basket case.
I could've showed you the other stuff he did besides mooning around.
He ate like a pig, for one.
He licked his plate, I'm not kidding you.
He flossed, he clipped his toenails, he paid some bills.
Does that make your heart break?
His boyfriend, or whatever, leaves, and he pays the cable bill?
His boyfriend, or whatever, leaves, and he pays the cable bill?
So he wasn't dying of pain...yet.
- Mr. Truitt? - Yes?
- What have you done with Matt? - Excuse me?
Matt? Matt Matteo, your boyfriend?
Who are you?
Jason Bock. I went to Hoover four years ago.
Don't even pretend that you didn't know about Matt and l.
About Matt and me.
I have been calling for the last two days, no answer.
He left his job, and his car is gone. Where is he?
I have no idea.
Don't you blow me off.
I could make trouble for you, you know, tell them you're gay.
They already know I'm gay, you little prick.
And you came on to me when I was a student.
Do they know that?
That's a lie.
Tell me where he is.
You got a problem?
Did he ever mention Dedee to you, my half-sister?
She's visiting from Louisiana.
He's in Louisiana?
No. But he took off with her. They're in love.
That's what he told me.
He's bi? Are you serious?
We're always the last to know.
Fuck you. I wanna talk to him.
If I don't hear from him by Friday, I'm going to the police.
For all I know, you killed him.
Then for all you know, I'm just getting started.
Get him to call me!
Of course, he told her.
This is a major problem, Bill.
You're in denial, fine, I'm not.
Lucia wasn't surprised that Matt had been screwing around.
And that Jason kid had been in her homeroom for two years...
so she knew what he was like.
After high school, he went up to Chicago...
and became one of those "Act Up" people...
who think AIDS is this big conspiracy against homos.
Maybe it is, who knows? All I know is it isn't working.
There seem to be more of them than ever before, you know what I mean?
Anyway, Bill tried to convince her it was all a bluff.
You put yourself through this, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack.
Face it, he's going to ruin you.
He's just trying to scare me. He's angry. Matt dumped him, too.
I don't know how you do it. You're always so nice and so good.
Tom was like that, too. It's depressing.
That's how I always felt around you two...
Like the Baroness in "The Sound of Music."'
Everyone else is off singing and climbing an alp...
and I just want to stuff that guitar up that nun's ass and...
Oh, my god...
That little creep went to the police. I told you.
Hey, Lucia, how are you?
Hi, Bill. Got a minute?
Sure, Carl. What's up? See you tomorrow.
- I can stay. - Actually, Lucia, it's business.
Actually, Carl, it's fine.
Here's the deal. I got this stupid thing I'm checking out.
Do you know a Jason Bock?
Yep, I met him Tuesday.
He says when he was a student here four years ago, you molested him.
I never liked the looks of this kid, but I gotta do something.
I haven't told Walter yet.
But you'll have to. He's the principal, it's state law.
There you go. Good job, Carl.
There's something else.
He filed a missing person's report on Matt. Do you know where he is?
No, I don't.
This Jason creep said something about a sister.
They left me a note, but I don't know where it is anymore.
- Where does that put us? - Well, I don't know.
You let me know as soon as you hear from either of them.
You haven't asked me if it's true, if I molested him.
Because he knows that you didn't.
I'd like to send him some place they will, for about five to ten.
It might put some sense into him.
Only if his brains are in his ass.
That strikes me as fairly likely.
You take care.
We'll keep this quiet as long as possible.
It's nice to see you again, Lucia. It's been a long time.
Only about a year, Carl.
Since the funeral, remember? Remember Nancy's funeral?
Good night. We'll talk tomorrow.
This is why I hate people.
You always want to know why, well, take it in.
Are you a lesbian?
No. You are all assholes.
Jennifer Oakes, is that you?
Hi, Miss Dalury. Any comment on the charges against William Truitt?
And I wrote you a letter of recommendation.
Did you know about this?
There were messages on my machine, I just heard them this morning.
People will believe anything.
Did you call that lawyer that I told you about?
Hello, this is America. We don't like sodomy so much here.
Yeah, but the schools are good.
Speaking of which...
You are not going in.
Bill! There are reporters out there.
Tanya and Clint, I am here at Hoover High School...
where a sex scandal has exploded...
involving a high school teacher whose seeming popularity...
may, in fact, be the cover...
for predatory advances upon young male students...
entrusted to him by this outraged and devastated community.
This is America, and we're Christians here.
Aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way.
And I can tell you one thing...
Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into man on man action...
which is how they describe it on their porno videos...
which I'm proud to say Blockbuster does not carry.
I work there, and it's very family.
Plus that religion John Travolta belongs to.
If I save one kid from getting ---
from having his --- totally ---
until it looks like the Lincoln Tunnel and he can 't stand up for three weeks...
then maybe all of this is worth something.
Teachers everywhere have to learn that no means no.
At least until we've dropped out.
I'm just gonna give you the broad strokes here...
'cause I've got my own problems with Matt.
Bill got suspended with pay. It didn't even bother him.
I guess when your first boyfriend, Tom, the dead guy, croaks in front of you...
and his stupid sister takes over your life...
and then your next boyfriend splits...
you're kind of primed for shit.
It's hard to top that with suspensions and people hating you...
and losing a job you're too rich for anyway.
Lucia said it was denial. Natch, what else?
Bill just hired a lawyer, stayed at home, and worked on his garden.
Meanwhile, guess who was having the time of her life.
Because all her predictions came true.
Between the time we left and that stupid phone call...
which I can't go into right now, she was flying.
Look at the lipstick on her.
She better hope it's drool-proof.
You don't have to hear any of this.
There's nothing going on except her trying not to leave.
She had a life once. She just, I don't know, stopped feeding it.
So after a while it wandered away.
They started out like a typical American family.
And you know how that ends up. They typically went to shit pretty quick.
Marcia, Tricia, Lucia...
Tom, the dead guy.
If you ask me, it was a giveaway he liked the spanking.
This is Tricia's wedding.
Tom turned out cute, didn't he? They all do.
I know in movies you kind of feel sorry for girls like this.
But in real life, you wouldn't be sitting next to her either.
Come over here, honey.
Come here. Come here, Lucia.
Here you go. Would you take care of these, please.
Right now she's thinking, "At least I've got Tom."
Ever since they were kids, she had like a crush on him or something.
So did the best man.
You could tell it wrecked her.
She was a virgin till she was twenty-eight.
But she eventually sort of, kind of, maybe forgave her brother.
She had to. No one else in the family could stand her.
Besides, he was a stockbroker in the '80's, and he made a lot of money.
You didn't buy me a house? You bought me a house?
Oh, my god, I can't believe you.
I love you.
I love you, too, Tom.
None of this makes me like her more.
But I thought you should know... just to be fair.
What a coincidence, I was just talking to Bill. He sounds good.
No thanks to you.
It wasn't personal, you know that.
I do, do l?
The kid's story's not gonna hold up. The Board will clear him.
His reputation is ruined.
He never gave a damn about reputation.
Then he's got company. See you, Carl.
I can't remember whether Nancy said these should make noise or not.
What do you think?
I think you should ask someone who gives a shit.
Why don't you ask her nurse?
I didn't figure you for somebody who'd listen to gossip.
Suppose you mind your business and I'll mind mine, okay?
He called. He fucking called.
Come on up, I'll play you the message.
Did you call back?
Yeah. It's some kind of a pay phone in L.A...
corner of Robertson and Santa Monica.
I called Carl.
He's got some kind of a program with every phone number in the U.S.
When did you call Carl?
About an hour ago.
I just saw him at the store.
Yeah, right, whatever.
Will you keep an eye on the house for me while I'm gone?
You don't know where they're living.
I'll find them. I found the pay phone.
What do you mean, why? To drag his sorry ass back here, that's why.
To make Jason take it all back, and to ship Dedee...
back to her miserable mother whether she likes it or not.
Give Jason the number. That's all he's interested in.
And then he'll drop the charges.
And let her mother go out there and pick her up.
This is what I'm doing. I can get someone else to watch the house.
You know what your problem is?
I need two tickets tomorrow, O'Hare to Los Angeles.
Yeah, Dalury, Lucia, L-U-C-l-A, and
Guess what? I know how my own name is pronounced.
Maybe they're just bad pictures.
Maybe he grew a beard or colored his hair or something.
It was such a stupid idea.
A guy makes a call from a pay phone in a city of eight million...
and I think I can find him.
If you're meant to find him, you will.
It's like you ending up teaching at my school and me introducing you to Tom.
It's fate. And that's how it's gonna be with Matt.
I say we give this up and we go home.
And one day, if the gods want you to see him again...
he's gonna be sitting in the seat next to you on a plane.
Or his socks will be in your dryer at some Laundromat.
I don't believe in destiny.
Fuck, who does? It was worth a try.
Excuse me. Bathroom.
It must be inherited from our father, you know, being romantic.
It's just...when it's a man being romantic about a woman...
it's not as revolting.
Why did he grow that beard?
And his posture...he looks like early man.
He hurt his back lifting.
I'm going to that dinner tomorrow night.
I've got a few things I'd like to say to her, and to him, too.
Lucia, I know what I'm doing.
You think so?
You're like a lobster in a pot.
You're just thrilled that the water's getting toasty.
When they get to the money, let me do the talking, okay?
Thanks for coming.
- Hi, Lucia. - Hi, Matt.
- Couldn't stay away, huh? - You shaved it off.
I didn't like it. So are you enjoying your stay?
I don't know if that's the word for it.
Can I ask you something, Dedee? When did you meet Matt? Refresh my memory.
My name is Timothy. I'll be your waiter tonight.
Can I start anyone off with a beverage?
I'd like a Long Island iced tea, please.
Is that a good idea for the baby?
This baby owes its life to Long Island iced teas, if you know what I mean.
Lots of ice.
- I'll have a Diet Coke. - Diet Coke.
I'll have a Diet Coke ...or maybe a real Coke.
- Do you have Bananas Foster? - No, we don't.
Someone told me you had Bananas Foster here.
I'm sorry, no.
It's impossible to find Bananas Foster.
Maybe they'll make it for you if you describe it to them.
What about the sauce?
You think they just have Bananas Foster sauce lying around in the kitchen...
but they don't put it on the menu?
I appreciate you both deciding to meet me.
You, not her.
Because we have a lot to talk about...
a lot of reasons why you're going back to Indiana.
I'm not going back.
You're sixteen, you're pregnant.
Matt, you can't support her on what you make at that job.
Tell me about it.
Matt doesn't wanna get legal, but you two were kind of man and wife.
So I figure he deserves half of what you have.
- Are you serious? - That's not gonna happen.
What about the ten thousand dollars he stole?
He was entitled to that.
I'm really sorry about that, Bill.
You fucked up, and you're gonna have to pay it back.
This is not about us giving you money.
I'll tell you what this is about, this is about timing.
This is about trimesters, and you know what I'm talking about.
I want her to go back to school, too.
You made a big mistake coming here today, you know that?
You really should've stayed at home and let Matt come...
and do your dirty work for you. 'Cause let me tell you something...
I have taught high school girls for 15 years...
and pregnancy is one of my specialties.
And looking at you...
you are at least five months pregnant, five and a half even.
There is no way that this is Matt's baby.
Here we go...Long Island iced tea...
Diet Coke...and a regular Coke.
I think you're crazy. She's crazy. Let's go.
- You're three months in, right? - When she met you, maybe.
So I put on a little weight.
Besides, what would you know about being pregnant?
It's not like you've ever been.
She eats all the time.
It's not your baby. It's some other idiot's baby.
Probably with an eighth grade education and a trunk full of Waco pamphlets.
You don't owe her or this baby anything.
What is your problem?
Is it Matt's?
It's her baby, isn't it? Whoever the father is.
I don't know where you get off saying I don't owe my wife's baby anything.
We got married...in Vegas.
I can't wear the ring 'cause I'm all swollen up.
But it's really nice.
Color, clarity, carat -- the three C's of diamond buying.
Who's the father? He has rights and responsibilities.
My stepfather, if you wanna know.
And the only responsibility he has is to rot in his grave...
which I hope he's living up to. Does that make you feel any better?
I don't believe you. I think you'd say just about anything.
In fact, maybe you should say something to the police. That would be nice.
It would clear your name, finally...
Where are the ashes?
Don't worry, they're ziplocked.
If you want them back, you'll stop following us...
you'll cover our expenses, and you'll leave us alone.
Come on, Matt, let's go.
- I didn't know-- - Come on !
Grab them, get them.
Dedee, listen to me.
- Bill, don't grab her! - Shut up, Matt!
I want my brother's ashes back, you heartless little bitch.
That's me, Lucia, heartless.
What body part are you missing?
- I'm sorry, I don't have a problem. - Do you want your check?
No, we're all set here.
Take that. Thank you.
Can you go faster?
I'm going fast enough. I'm not gonna break the speed limit.
- They are. They're gonna get away. - They're not gonna get away.
They're just ashes, you know what I'm saying?
Who knows if they're really Tom 's anyway?
Do you really think they keep them separate?
Go ahead and hate me for stealing them if you want.
But look at these guys. They've never had more fun in their lives.
He's taking us in circles, this is what he's doing.
These are teachers, remember.
It's this or clapping erasers in South Bend.
- I can't believe you did that! - What was I supposed to do?
They actually live here?
- Now what? - You want the ashes back or not?
I wanted to divvy them up, remember?
Just in case something like this happened.
I don't know why I didn't see this coming.
You don't have to be sarcastic.
I say we wait.
He'll get up and go to work in the morning...
she'll go out looking for fucking Bananas Franklin, whatever--
They're called Foster.
And we'll go in there, break in and get them.
Great, our first felony.
I can get you a cab back to the hotel.
- I'm sorry. - That's all right, that's all right.
Oh, my god...did I drool?
It'll dry, don't worry about it.
Usually I have to be up a few more hours before I'm humiliated.
My god, she's a human tabloid.
You see his car?
This neighborhood is awful.
What are you doing?
God damn it.
I think we found the father... of the next one, anyway.
That can't be good for the baby.
Not only that, she's gonna smoke a cigarette after.
I hate to say it, but poor Matt.
He made his bed, he can lie in it.
If there's room.
It's not gonna do you any good. I've looked everywhere.
You sure he didn't just lose it like you said?
I was watching him the whole time he was in the casino.
Besides, he's too wimpy to gamble it.
They're talking about your money.
I'm hungry. Let's go.
Dedee, I told you to keep the door locked.
Dedee, I told you to keep the door locked.
I thought you weren't supposed to be home till two.
I quit. We're gonna go home. Who's he?
Randy Cates. Pleased to meet you.
He's a friend from home. He just came in to take a shower.
You know what that's like after a long drive.
You think I'm stupid?
What did you mean about us going home?
'Cause this isn't right, this isn't how it should be.
You don't take people's ashes.
It's bad enough that we took the money.
- You took the money. - And I'm gonna give it back.
I mean, you know, what's left of it.
See? I told you he was lying to me.
You didn't lose the money in Vegas. Where is it?
You're not getting it. It's for the baby.
I meant what I said. I don't care who the father is...
I wanna raise this child. So should you.
That is my money.
Wait a minute, it's not your baby? It's not his baby?
Whose do you think it is, Mr. "Who needs a rubber, I'll pull out in time"?
I thought you said it was your stepfather's.
Come on, Randy.
Is this the guy with one ball?
Come on, Dedee!
Look, Matt, we're out of here.
It's Randy's baby, we're gonna go, we're gonna have a fresh start.
It's God's will, right, Randy?
I guess. I wish it was God's will for me to wear a rubber, but...
We're gonna need that money for the baby, you see what I'm saying?
Come on, Matt. It's not gonna work out between us.
I don't mind so much, but I want my baby to have a real father.
I told you I was gay.
This guy's a homo?
Could you leave now?
What about the AIDS?
You haven't been sleeping with this guy, have you?
You're gettin' that stuff all over the baby.
There's an innocent child inside this girl. You son-of-a-bitch !
- Randy, be Christ like. - Back off, man.
You fucking faggot!
Where's the money?
You're gonna need some of this for the baby.
We're gonna get by just fine. Come on, baby, let's get out of here.
What about the ashes?
What's all this shit about ashes?
We can get the license plate number off the car. Come on.
TC8 Louisiana. Bill!
There's nothing to decide, Lucia.
She's gone, and he can't stay here. He's gotta come back with us to Indiana.
I think you're a fool, Bill, but it's none of my business.
That's a great shower.
Come on and sit down, Matt.
Did you see the sewing kit they leave you in there?
I know that you feel bad about what has happened.
- If you mean about stealing the money-- - And my brother's ashes...
and all the trouble your little boyfriend got Bill into at school.
He's not my boyfriend. I can't even believe he said that.
Let's not have any postmortems. Let's just go home...
straighten Jason out, and then we'll take it from there.
Maybe Jason'll put you up, boyfriend or not, 'cause Bill won't have you back.
What about the ashes?
They're not Tom, all right?
I'd prefer they weren't bouncing around in someone's knapsack right now.
You wish. She's probably trying to smoke them.
What I'm trying to say is...
So things didn't work out between us, so it didn't last forever, fine.
Let's go our separate ways...
without a lot of bad feelings and bullshit.
That really surprises me.
This is how we do things on the planet Maturia. We have much to teach you.
I'm really surprised.
I expected better from...
Maybe not from you, Lucia, but you, Bill?
- Come on, she's your sister. - Half-sister.
She's pregnant, probably abused...
with all sorts of repressed memories that haven't even occurred to her yet.
She comes to you for help and you let her go off with this like...
really violent stalker guy who tracked her down.
Wait a minute.
She's in danger, Bill. You told her mother you'd look after her.
And now this guy who's like pissed off at the world...
because of a physical abnormality...
which he's probably going to take out on Dedee.
She's probably used to him taking out his physical abnormality.
Taking it out and waving it all around.
I know technically she's a minor.
Bill, she's a kid.
She's got no one to turn to.
Not her mother.
Her father's dead. Her stepfather's dead.
I lied to her about the money.
Even her blood brother who she came to for help, on a bus...
Even he's washing his hands of her?
I should let her mother know about it.
What? I am gonna fucking kill you right now!
Wait, wait, wait! I know you're frustrated, I understand.
Believe me, I share your feelings.
Prove it. Help me kill yourself.
I'm sorry, I feel a responsibility to Dedee.
And the baby.
What are you doing?
I think it's a business. The police, missing persons.
He's calling the police, Bill!
Matt, sit down.
My god. Stupid!
Lucia, take five. Go on, go! I can handle this.
I don't think he is as dumb as we think.
As you think, Lucia.
God damn it, god damn you both !
You know, I hope Tom Cruise is as straight as they come.
I never thought he wasn't.
Carl...what are you doing here?
- Where's Bill? - What?
- Where's Bill? - Shut up. I'm not talking to you.
Wait, this is important. Where's Bill?
- Taxi ! - It's L.A., they don't have cabs.
Could someone take me to the airport?
This is ridiculous. Stop it.
You wanna arrest someone? Go up to room 315.
I'll testify. I'll be on the fucking jury.
I don't have any jurisdiction here. I'm here as a friend.
I've know him twenty years, longer than you.
You're loyal to a fault, that's you.
He's in trouble.
The little bastard who filed the charges isn't withdrawing them.
The school board's all politics. He might really lose his job.
I'm here to look out for him.
While you were looking out for him, there was a gun fight...
some grand larceny, a little extortion...
and the transportation of a minor across state lines.
- When did all this happen, today? - Yeah, all today.
I was visiting a friend.
That's right. She moved out here, didn't she?
What was her name again, Terry, Cherry?
Shari. What's your problem with me?
Just your wife was dying and you screwed her nurse, that's all.
I was lonely.
That's all you have to say for yourself?
If Nancy didn't mind, why should you?
What gun fight?
I'm not talking to you.
She's smarter than she looks.
She knows Bill's gonna do what Matt wants, find me.
But if the police get involved officially, it'll be a scandal...
and Bill will never get his job back.
So she gets Carl to call a local buddy, run Randy's license plate...
and put out an official APB on us.
you gotta hand it to her, she always gets her way.
And it's not sex appeal. She's beyond sex, like amoebas.
Don't give him any names.
Anyway, some cop somewhere spots Randy's car...
which is at least gonna liven things up as far as I'm concerned.
Because frankly, I'm starting to think Randy's missing more than a ball.
Hotel phone calls are too expensive, and we can't afford it.
We can't afford it, 'cause you spent $4000 on a fucking bike yesterday.
Would you watch your language, please?
No. Why don't you watch my language, I'll watch my money.
I want the rest of it back.
It's the husband's job to decide what happens with the money.
Bible boy, you're not my fucking husband!
Now give me my money.
This is what happens when you talk to your mother.
You get all worked up, bent out of shape.
I'm going home.
You can't go home, Dedee!
There will be a ticket at the airport for me by five.
Come on, you gotta stay here with me! I prayed on this!
Pray on this, you freak.
Come on, I got your gun here!
That's great. What are you gonna do, shoot me, shoot yourself?
You don't treat me fair. That's a lot of driving up here.
You asked me to come, I came. No stopovers or nothing.
I'm just asking you to stand by your man like I'm standing next to you.
A lot of guys would've said, "Shucks, she took up with that homosexual."
"She turned her back on righteousness."
How about blowing you in the backseat of your car every day after band?
That was a stairway to heaven, right?
You waiting on somebody or something?
Yeah, the guy from the bike shop.
He's coming to take it back.
Don't worry. I'll leave you enough money to get back to Louisiana.
- I just don't intend to be-- - God damn it, Dedee!
Why are you acting this way?
I think you hurt the baby.
What did you think, I'd be the dead one?
I'm the fucking narrator, guys, keep up.
It would be a lot easier for all of us right now if Randy was someone we hated.
But he was nice mostly. Even I liked him.
So in order to get you to swallow it and not totally hate me...
I'm gonna show you something that happens in, like, five hours.
He had a very enlarged heart.
He would've lived, I don't know, not more than six months.
At least he died quick, never knew what hit him.
He looks peaceful, probably an orphan.
But it's still murder.
Just not as unlikeable.
What is that, only one ball?
Come on, it's me Matt, open up.
I'm so glad you're here.
I know you don't wanna go back to Indiana to have the baby.
No, I do. Indiana, Louisiana, I don't care, let's go.
You mean that?
What about this Randy guy?
He's a jerk, I can't stand him.
It's not like we fight--
That's Lucia, Bill and Carl.
A friend from back home, a sheriff from town. That's how we found you.
Can I talk to you inside for a minute?
What are they talking about?
You think they're just talking?
Yeah, I do.
You think you're being nice, but it's really just self-destructive.
When is it too hot to analyze me...
a hundred and ten, a hundred and fifteen degrees?
You've got a death wish.
It's so selfish.
I have one, too, but I direct it toward others.
Lucia, look at this.
Randy Cates, it's Palm Springs Harley.
I'm here to get the bike like your lady said.
That's their room.
Were you looking for Dedee Truitt?
They're not there. Kick it, kick it in.
Harder. Do it again.
- You guys in yet? - It's Carl.
They're not in here. We'll be right down.
They won't get far. They put an APB out and mug shots.
We're not talking without a lawyer. Say nothing.
You still think she just needs a little love? She's a murderer now.
We don't know that yet.
You better hope she's a murderer. Otherwise Matt is.
We'd like to ask you to stay in Palm Springs for a few days.
Really? Are we under arrest?
At our expense, of course.
Must have a nice budget.
Carl Tippett, St. Joe County Sheriff's Department, Indiana.
I'm checking in.
I said I'm sleeping.
Come on, Lucia, let me in.
Good. My delivery from 1-800-PITY.
We shouldn't be alone, not after the day we had.
I went down to the station. They found the motorcycle.
They sold it, probably bought a car.
Don't worry, they'll find them.
I can sleep really well, then.
I don't know, bed?
Yeah, I bet.
Like you give a shit. Like this is incendiary material.
Does this have any effect on you at all?
What am I supposed to say?
I could dance around you naked.
Vagina, vagina, vagina.
Does that word do anything for you?
I don't think it does much for anyone, gay or straight. It's too clinical.
It's like dentifrice for toothpaste.
It's so fucking ironic.
Do you know what my mom said when she found out Tom was gay?
She said, it's such a lonely life.
She said that to the single straight girl. Isn't that funny?
I don't know, I just don't...
I don't get sex.
You should get out more.
I mean, I don't understand sex.
I don't get it, get it?
It seems like a lot of trouble for not much.
Am I the only one that thinks this?
I don't think you're the tip of an iceberg, frankly.
I would rather have a back rub.
It lasts longer, and there's no fluids.
What's so great about that?
It's like, "Hi, I'd like to blow my nose on your face."
You wouldn't like that, would you?
And after they do it, they never phone you.
Or a shampoo.
Just a really great shampoo. That would make sense.
If you were chasing this asshole all around the country because he gave great shampoos...
It's not just sex, I care for Matt.
It is sex, Bill. You just won't admit it.
'Cause you wanna be above that.
You wanna think that nothing that happened happened because you like sex.
I'm really beat.
Sex kills, Bill. You won't accept that.
But why do you think there are no more real Hawaiians?
And why would they even come up with the phrase "died in childbirth"...
if it only happened one time?
It's fucking dangerous, sex.
Tom didn't die because of sex.
PC crap aside, didn't sex kill Tom?
If he just couldn't get enough shampoos or back rubs...
wouldn't he still be here today?
You might as well say I killed him.
You didn't give it to him.
No, but some other faggot did, isn't that what you think?
What I think is fine...
chase this bimbo from Indiana to Chippewa Falls for all I care.
Go ahead, throw away your reputation...
your job and your students, whatever...
because you want Matt.
It's your right.
Just don't say that it's about love, okay?
You're an English teacher. Call things by their right name.
Okay, fine, fine.
Vagina and sour fucking grapes. Class dismissed?
What is it?
I heard. I'm sorry.
Is there anything I can do?
Here. I bought you some beer at the Seven-Eleven.
I needed shampoo.
Are you okay?
I have a headache.
I give good neck rubs.
Can you believe this? It's so unfair.
She spends her whole life being a total pill, and this happens.
We're not going inside. It's too gross.
She turned out to be one of those talkers, you know what I mean?
"Do it to me, yeah, oh there, take me home, oh baby."
You'd think all that moaning would take her mind off Bill.
It was a bigger story than we'd figured.
Someone in Palm Springs tipped off the local press...
and they had a kind of welcome home parade for him.
The school board scheduled a hearing, and the D.A. launched a probe.
And my mom hired a lawyer in to try and get some money from Bill.
The Jason kid disappeared, so the charges were dropped.
But Bill resigned anyway.
So school started and people forgot about him.
Except you know who, the stalker.
My key doesn't work!
Gay houses usually sell real quickly...
because of the recessed lighting and the good faucets.
The realtor said the boarded up windows were the kind of challenge she liked.
So it would've ended differently if we'd waited one or two more days than we did.
But we didn't.
It was October.
Hey, man, how's it going?
Where the hell have you been? We couldn't hold the hearing.
Yeah? Fuck you. And good luck refilling those charges.
That's not why I'm here.
Is this on? Bill, this is Dedee.
I had to send Jason because of this whole crime thing.
Matt called him one night in Chicago, and he's been like a fairy godfather, so to speak.
He wants me to say faggot godfather.
Anyway, I'm gonna have the baby, and we need money...
and you're the only one I know who has money.
Like ten thousand dollars?
We have a little wiggle room there.
and we do have expenses.
If you give us the money... Jason, hold up the envelope now.
Inside the envelope are letters where Jason takes back everything.
So you'll get your job back.
Plus, I'll send you pictures of the baby when it comes out.
Because it will be your niece or nephew, okay?
Turn it off.
Also, Matt says hi.
So what do you think?
Where are they?
I can't tell you that.
No, you just give me the money...
and that's all, the money.
Listen to me, you little grunge faggot...
I survived my family, my schoolyard...
every Republican, every other Democrat...
Anita Bryant, the Pope, the fucking Christian Coalition...
not to mention a real son-of-a-bitch virus, in case you haven't noticed.
And in all that time since Paul Lynde and Truman Capote were the only fairies in America...
I've been busting my ass so that you'd be able to do what you want with yours.
So I don't just want your obedience right now, which I do want plenty of it.
But I want your fucking gratitude right fucking now...
or you're gonna be looking down a long road with your nipple in the dirt.
Do you hear what I'm saying? Take me to them.
Okay, fine, just let me go! Let me go!
You're supposed to be my brother, man.
I was brotherly, man. Think where else you're pierced.
We only have the regular in Canada.
Jason? Jason Bock?
Oh my god, yeah, the gay.
Miss Dalury, how you doing?
Never mind me. You better be in town to clear Mr. Truitt's name.
He didn't do anything to me. That was just leverage.
You are going to march right into school with me, young man...
and you're going to make a statement to the principal.
And then I'm going to take you to the police station.
I'm just passing through, ma'am.
You owe him that much.
I should've flunked you when I had the chance.
You paid for this, didn't you?
Fucking small town, man.
Oh, my god. Call the school and tell them I'm sick.
Oh, my god...that little bastard.
As soon as the baby's born, we're off to Mexico. Me, Matt and the kid.
Dedee knows she's not the mommy type.
So, you know, he's available.
You mean Matt's not straight anymore?
He called me, didn't he?
Here we are.
Our own little Xanadu.
We got it cheap because of the season.
Send Matt out first.
She is gonna kill me when she sees you here.
Just don't tell her you don't have the money yet, okay?
Matt, I'm back!
What the hell are you doing here?
Jesus, Dedee. God, you're huge.
Hey, Dedee, we're back.
He wanted to see you himself. Family, you know.
Asshole. Get back in the house, help Matt make dinner.
I'll handle him.
You'll handle me?
Did you really think I was just gonna load up his car with cash and point it north?
You're screwing this all up.
When are you due? What does the doctor say?
We can't afford a doctor. You didn't bring any money at all?
- Forget the money. - It's not for me, it's for them.
Part of it, anyway. Did he tell you they're going to Mexico?
And you're just giving them the baby as a wedding gift?
I gotta get Matt's name on the birth certificate.
They'll take my word for it, right? Once he's the father, he can take the kid anywhere.
Just give it away.
It's as much his as it is mine. At least, that's the line I'm gonna take.
Come on, you can't live like this. This is crazy.
Besides, the police are looking for you.
I don't wanna talk about that.
I'm your sister, okay? God...
And plus, I got Jason to take back all those things he said in those letters.
The police are off your back, thanks to me.
Are you hungry?
The life cycle of the American bisexual.
He's in the last stage...total Moe.
You pissed me off, Bill, you always did.
I should be the one who's pissed off. You leave me in Palm Springs with the police...
and the body of that poor kid.
That was an accident. They were struggling and the gun went off.
It's made her very anti-handgun.
Of course, I don't know why I'm surprised.
It's not like I can expect any loyalty or consideration or whatever from you.
I told you, I didn't sleep with Jason when we were together, okay?
She's a little bit at the end there...Dedee.
I know it was wrong, but I wasn't happy.
I'm happy with Jason. He makes me happy.
How? How does he make you happy?
I mean, he's not on your level.
That's what Lucia used to say about me.
Admit it, this thing between you and Jason is just sex.
You know that stuff you're breathing there, it's just oxygen.
It's an itch. You scratch it, you feel better.
A lot better.
You look good.
It's been a while, I'd forgotten.
What did you do with those Polaroids?
That's not what I'm talking about.
Bill, you think too much.
You wanted me, I was fine with that. I was flattered.
I was stupid enough to have taken it personally.
But it wasn't enough for you.
You had to take it to the next level, make it mental or spiritual or something...
Like some kind of fucking promotion.
So there's nothing more to you than your body.
What the fuck do I know? I'm just saying that if you love me for my mind...
I know that's not my best feature, right?
So where does that leave me?
Not only does my lover have a fool for a boyfriend, so do l.
You're not a fool.
You know what I'm not -- Tom.
I'm sorry that he died.
But I'm sure that wherever he is, he doesn't care that we screwed around.
He doesn't feel better that you moved me in but told everybody that it was more than sex.
He died, that really sucks.
But you don't get to make it better by being this really great guy...
who only likes the insides of people.
He was robbed.
So were you.
Even Lucia, who I could care less about...
Couldn't care less.
You look kind of cute...all stupid like.
Can I just say to all the girls out there...
if you're with a guy who groaned or made some crack during that little kiss...
you're with what we call a closet case.
That's the number one tip-off.
Number two is if they freak out about gays in the military.
You know, if they can't discuss it without giggling about showering with guys...
and bending over for soap and stuff.
That's not good.
Real straight guys don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about wet naked men, if you ask me.
I'm sorry... it was all that stuff about Tom.
How did you get here?
I followed you guys from the Seven-Eleven.
Do you have anything to eat?
So what do we do now?
I'm gonna try to convince her to have the baby back in the States.
Are you never gonna call me again?
I don't have to, you keep tailing me.
Matt thinks that it was about sex, too...
so I wasn't completely off.
Matt has a higher opinion of sex than you do.
Than I used to.
I don't feel so good.
What the fuck is she doing here?
Is something wrong?
Oh, my god! Take her to the couch, take her to the couch.
Where does it hurt?
Where do you think?
What's going on? Oh, my god, is she...
Hi, Miss Dalury. What are you doing here?
Never mind, Jason. Call 9-1-1.
It's okay, it's okay!
Go see how fast an ambulance can get here!
Get that towel.
You are not hemorrhaging. Are you having contractions?
No, this is my sleepy face. What the fuck do you think?
- What's going on? - We can't get through!
We'll be at the hospital in a few minutes. It's okay.
This can't be good.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Is that the ambulance?
That was Carl. How did he find us?
Only one of you can go in there with her.
What does that mean?
They can see the head.
It's huge! You can probably see it from space!
You're gonna have a baby.
Yeah, lucky me.
You can call your mom if you want, after this.
- No. Bill? - Is another one coming?
Where's my bag?
Lucia has it. You need something?
Tom's ashes are in there.
All of them. I double-bagged it.
It was really fucking low.
I want you to know that I know.
We don't have to talk about this now. Everything's gonna be fine.
And the baby's Randy's.
I know, it was an accident. I don't have to hear this now.
We don't need to talk about it. Everything's gonna be fine.
I just don't want you to think that I never think about it.
I don't think that.
If anything happens to me, will you keep the baby, not them?
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
All right, here we go.
All right, bear down. Push.
Excuse me, but haven't we seen this scene like a million times before?
I pant and swear, and I'm like, you know, pissed off.
Women delivering are always pissed off...
and asking for that shot, that epidural or whatever.
And swearing at the man who got them into it and so on.
So I gotta give you something else to watch.
You feel free to go back and forth.
Carl, we're all waiting inside.
I'm fine out here.
I'm sorry. There wasn't time to pull over.
- What's the point, Lucia? - What's what point?
What's the point of sleeping with you if it doesn't get your attention...
if I always come second to Bill?
Say the point of sex isn't recreation or procreation or any of that stuff.
Say it's concentration.
Say it's supposed to focus your attention on the person you're sleeping with...
Like biological highlighter.
Otherwise, there's just too many people in the world.
So while I'm sleeping with you, I'm not supposed to care about anybody else?
Look for me first in any crowded room.
And I'll do likewise.
Otherwise, a person ends up sleeping with somebody else.
It's just a habit, thinking about Bill.
Because of Tom.
Are you okay?
So you think there are too many people in the world?
What are you talking about?
And sex has nothing to do with procreation?
Are you pregnant?
And I'll tell you something, it's not Bill's.
One more, one more. Come on, Dedee.
It's a boy.
It's a boy.
It's a boy. It's a beautiful baby boy.
Just do me a favor, count his balls.
She's gonna need blood.
We need two pints of O-negative in here stat.
And put twenty crit in that line and open it up.
Call surgery and tell them we've got a postpartum bleeder in the E. R.
Let's go, let's move!
Didn't think I could die, did you?
Look at them. Who'd have thought they gave a shit?
Even her. Look at her.
Unless she's crying for Bill, not me. Contact grief.
No, I think it's for me.
Look at Bill. I did nothing but screw up his life.
I knew Matt liked me.
He's got a boner, believe it or not.
And like these guys, some of you ended up liking me, too.
And thought maybe, just maybe I wasn't a total shit.
But you were wrong. I'm screwing with you right now.
No way I died.
I could've, that much is true.
The river of blood, that happened.
But somehow it stopped.
I don 't know why, but it did.
When do we get to see him?
After they've cleaned him up.
We can leave. We don't have to stay long.
Does she get skinny right away?
Probably not, Matt, but that's a real intelligent question.
Because she really hated being fat, I mean really...
You okay, buddy?
Yeah, it's been a long year.
I'm glad she's not dead and all...
but she's what I call a real user.
I don't know what's so great about motherhood.
Just looking at that soft spot made me wanna scream.
I told Matt and Jason that I wanted to keep him, and they were pretty cool about it.
When you nearly hemorrhage to death, people cut you a break.
Most of them, anyway.
Carl got us to return to the States, so he's like super cop.
Matt and I had to go out to Palm Springs and answer all these questions about Randy.
Matt gets off scot-free.
Me, they put in jail for six months for leaving the scene of a crime or something.
Even though they couldn't prove it was murder.
Especially since Randy left all these crazy writings in the room about satan and stuff.
So that looked good for me.
Lucia decided to forgive me and sent me care packages every week.
Jason made a statement that he'd been paid to make his charges...
by the Christian Right guys on the school board -- the ones against evolution and Huck Finn.
Which was a total lie, but even so, they won't be back for another term.
I let Bill take custody of the baby.
And he worked it out so my parole time was spent at his place in Indiana.
Breaking escrow cost him a shitload.
Lucia and Carl had their baby. You can imagine the pick of that litter.
It was the kind of kid that if you played with it too much after a feeding, you threw up.
But they loved it.
Bill was cute with R.J. -- that's Randy junior.
Even though it spooked me at first...
him changing a boy baby and getting good peaks at his little thing.
But he says straight dads change girl babies all the time and nothing ever comes of that.
Is he naive or what?
Anyway, R.J. was crazy about him and vice-versa.
But he never really took to me.
Maybe Jason was right, I'm not the mommy type.
I don't care.
But the court says I'm supposed to hang here with my brother until I'm eighteen...
just the three of us, except for once a week visits from my parole officer.
It wasn't once a week for long.
I didn't mind.
If there have to be gay people, at least it's nice there's enough of them to go around.
Seems like everybody's having sex but me.
Good for them.
It's not that I'm against sex.
It was clever of God or evolution or whatever to hook the survival of the species to it...
because we're gonna screw around no matter what.
It was a smarter thing to pick than say...
the instinct to share your toys or return phone calls.
We'd have died out like eons ago.
But on the minus side, god... all the attachment that goes with it.
It's like this net.
Sex always ends in kids or disease...
or like, you know, relationships.
That's exactly what I don't want.
I want the opposite of all that.
Because it's not worth it, not really, is it...
when you think about it?
Okay, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not all shit. Maybe...
God damn it.
I thought the whole idea was I know what happens next.
I'll tell you one thing...
I'm not gonna go back to Bill's house and be this big changed person for you.
I told you right off I don't grow a heart of gold.
And if I do, which is, like, so unlikely...
give me a break and don't make me do it in front of you.
Come on, guys, go, okay?
I'll give you this much, though...
I never was the same again after that summer.