Orange County Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Orange County script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Colin Hanks, Jack Black, and Schuyler Fisk movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Orange County. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Orange County Script



Mr Marcus Skinner,



care of the English Department,

Stanford University.



Dear Mr Skinner...



My name is Shaun Brumder,

and I think you're a total genius.



I Iive in California,

in a place called Orange County.



A year ago, I was just

another Orange County surfer,



spending my days

at the beach with my buddies...



...playing volleyball...



Spike it, Shaun!



...spending my nights

around a bonfire, partying.



School was always a walk for me.

I did pretty well without trying too hard.



Tropical storm three miles off Laguna.

Let's go! Surf's up!



But I was easily distracted.



- What about next period?

-   -footers, man! Screw your period.






Then, last April,



me and my crew

drove out to Emerald Cove,



to catch some major tsunami waves.



I don't know, you guys.



Dude, face the fear.



This is intense!






Lonny always said that he wanted to

die eating foam in a massive wipe-out,



but I bet he's up in heaven right now...



After Lonny drowned,

I did some heavy meditating.



I thought, maybe there's more to life



than extreme sports

and trying to get laid.



Maybe there's

a bigger purpose for me,



and I've just been too high

to figure it out.



I was sitting on the beach,

totally cogitating.



I looked down, and there,

in the sand, was a copy of your book.



It was like a sign,

like your book was calling out to me.



Read me.



For the next few days,

I read it from cover to cover.



It totally captured

what it's like to be a teenager:



the excitement, the confusion,

the horniness.



Sometimes I laughed so hard,

I thought I was going to puke and die.



Other times, I cried.



Shaun, are you OK?



It's just so sad.



I read your book    times

that month,



and I finally realised what

I wanted to do with my life.



I want to be a writer.



I've been writing ever since.

It's all I ever do.



All day and all night sometimes.



It was hard to get going,

but once I did, I couldn't stop.



I'm like a machine,

and nothing else matters.



- Guys, I'm selling my board.

- No!



I don't have time to surf.



- I need to focus on my writing.

- What?



My friends think I've lost my mind.



He's Iost his mind.



Let's get Iit

and jump off the roof.



Now you're talking.



I need some feedback,

and there's no one here to help.



I've got your story here, Shaun.




I noticed you used a Iot of big words.

Nice. Good for you.



It was quite Iong, so I didn't read it all,

but who cares 'cause I gave you an A.



My brother, Lance, is perpetually

recovering from the night before.



I'm sorry, I don't feel good.



My girlfriend's the only one

who's actually read my work,



but she's always too positive

to take seriously.



It's, Iike, the best story I've ever read.



- Really?

- It's funny and original.



I mean, I think it could be a movie.



Orange County's not the best

environment for an aspiring writer,



so I'm applying to Stanford

to study with you.



You are a shoo-in.



Should I apply

to some safety schools?



No need. Don't be a scaredy-cat.

There's no doubt you'll go to Berkeley.







Stanford's where you're going, Mister.



I'm sending you a copy of my story.



Hopefully, with your wisdom and

guidance, I will one day be a real writer.



I look forward to seeing you

in the fall, Mr Skinner...



Your greatest admirer,

Shaun Brumder.



- Watch it!

- Why are you Iying here?



My parole officer wants to give

me a drug test. I need your urine.



Can I score some of your piss?



- Yeah.

- Awesome, man.



- Bob?

- Don't yell at me!



Bob, are you OK?




Hey, Mom!



- What?

- Something's wrong with Bob.



- Did you feed him his pills today?

- I don't know. Is he OK?



- No.

- You've got to remember his pills, Mom.



Lupe, did you give Bob his pills?



- I'm not a nurse.

- Shaun, get rid of her right now.



OK, baby? She has a bad attitude.

And she's...



You stole my PalmPilot! You did.



Admit it.



- That's it!

- No, you did.



Yeah, it's over.



What? What happened?

What did she say?



She's sorry,

and thinks you're an incredible Iady.



When the mail comes

will you call me on my cell?



I'm supposed to hear

from Stanford today.






Oh, come on, don't get upset, Mom.



All right? You knew

this day was going to come.



I'm just going to college. I'm not

Ieaving the planet. Get a grip.



No, I won't. I'm going back to bed.



Check this out.

You've got to help us out.



- This punk... You're a punk!

- I know what you're going to say.



Remember the night we went golfing?

I paid for everyone.



Who paid for parking, bro?



I don't remember

you paying for anything.



Of course you don't remember,

but when you pay it's stop the press.



Did you guys know it's April    ?

A year ago today, Lonny died.



- That's true.

- I can't believe it's been a whole year.



I was thinking that maybe we should

do something in his memory.



Yeah, we should pull a killer prank.

We should jump off something, dudes.



Yeah, bro, or blow something up.



Maybe we should go to Emerald Cove

and have a surf in Lonny's memory.



- Shaun doesn't surf any more, stupid.

- He doesn't surf, skate or pick his butt.



He's a writer boy now, or whatever

he does Iocked in his room all day.



Principal Harbert, as you know, there

was an oil spill off the coast of Redondo,



and today's paper says hundreds

of seagulls have been affected.



So I propose

a school-sponsored fundraiser,



with all the proceeds

going to the seagull rehabilitation fund.



As the community service Ieader,

I think we would be morally remiss



if we did nothing for these seagulls.



Fine. One more. Last one.



After this, we Iet all sick and endangered

animals die horrible deaths. Agreed?



Now, people,

June is just around the corner.



Let's talk graduation speakers. Ideas?



Toni Morrison. She's in town that

same weekend for a book signing.



She's won the Nobel Prize.






Dana, don't you have a cousin

who's friends with Britney Spears?



Yeah, best friends.



Now, when I say Romeo and Juliet,

who comes to mind?



- Dana?

- CIaire Danes.



That's right.

CIaire Danes. Who else?



- Leonardo DiCaprio.

- Right. Who else?



Someone else was

involved in that movie



who in some ways is as famous

as Leonardo DiCaprio.



And his name's William Shakespeare.



And some great movies

are based on his plays.



"Hamlet", "West Side Story",



"The Talented Mr Ripley",




..."GIadiator", "Chocolat".



Mr Burke, as you know, my boyfriend

drowned in a surfing accident.



I don't think I can handle "Romeo

and Juliet" right now, emotionally.



Tanya, Lonny died a year ago.



Sometimes it takes decades

to recover from a tragedy Iike this.



You only went out

with him for two weeks.



Tanya, your mom's outside.

She says you got into Stanford!



- Hello.

- Lance, can you do me a favour?



- Who are you Iooking for?

- It's Shaun.



Shaun, pick up the phone!



He's not here.



- What?

- Tell me if the mail's there.



- I'm begging you.

- Fine, fine.



Do I have to turn on your computer?



No, no, just go to the front door.

The mail would be in the mailbox.



OK. You owe me one, buddy.



Yeah, it's here.



- Today's the big day, Gary.

- Wow.



Look at me...!



Lance, where is it?



Come on. Where is it?

Where's the mail?



- I don't know.

- Are you sitting on it?



Dude, I see it on the floor.



- Push him.

- Bob, I'm moving your chair.



This is it. This is my future,

here in this envelope.



- Hey, you're blocking the tube.

- Oh, sorry.



"We regret to say that your application

to Stanford was not accepted."



Wait. What?



I didn't get in?

I didn't get in?









I don't get it! No!



I don't underst...



You're overreacting, dude. I didn't get

into college, and check me out.



I'm kickass.



Shaun? Shaun?

What's wrong?



Something horrible's happened.



Is Bob dead?



Did something break?



I got rejected from Stanford.






Oh, Shaun. Oh, baby, I'm sorry.



It's OK. I'm so sorry.



You're just going to have to go

somewhere closer to home.



And you get to keep Iiving here...



...with Lance...



...and Bob...



...and me!



OK, and are you a student here?



Yes, I'm a student here.

I'm Shaun Brumder, class president.



And you didn't get into Stanford?

Too bad. Tough break.



- Where else did you apply?

- Nowhere. You said I was a shoo-in.



Not even a safety school?



- You said "shoo-in".

- Calm down.



Let's see.

I'm just going to pull up your file.



Well, Iooks here Iike your GPA is  . 

and your SATs combined are    .



No, no that's Iow.



   ? No, I had a      .



No, it says    .



That's not my transcript.

That's Shane Brainard's transcript.



- And you are?

- Shaun Brumder.






No, you didn't.



You couldn't have.



You sent in the wrong transcript?



What's up, Shane?



You guys, I got into Stanford.






I applied as a joke and they Iet me in.

I'm freaking out.



- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.



- Yes, you did!

- Don't throw accusations around here.



- This is nobody's fault.

- It is! It's your fault!



You're screeching at me.



Because you're a moron.

Now, Iisten to me, Iady!



Code Red! Code Red!



Call     ! Code Red! Call     !



Hey, watch it!



Tanya, I got into...






I've got to get out of here.



I've got to get out of Orange County.



Shaun, where are you going?



To my dad's.



I'm going to go in there and say to my

dad that he abandoned our family,



and he can start making it up to me, by

making a massive donation to Stanford.



Remember when the sea Iions kept

beaching themselves in Corona del Mar,



and nobody

was doing anything about it?



Well, me getting

all hysterical didn't help anything.



This is it. I'm going to tell

my dad that I want to be a writer.



Hey, good Iuck.






Who are you?



I'm Shaun. I'm your brother.



- What are you sucking on?

- My poody.



Well, aren't you a Iittle old

for a poody?



Jake, what did you just do?



Pick up your poody

or you'll get a time out.



- Pick it up.

- No.



That's it! Rosa, take Jake upstairs

and give him some Ritalin.



- I don't Iike your attitude.

- I don't Iike your attitude.



Isn't he getting big?



So what's up with you?

You Iook great.



You've really filled out.

Your arms and your chest.



- You been working out?

- No.



Bud is getting so fat.



You should really talk to him.

He's going to have a heart attack.



PIus, he's fat.



Goddamn it!

Are you trying to ruin me?



Where is my dad?



If you do this, I will eat your face.



Come, my lady,

come, come, my lady



You're my butterfly, sugar, baby

My lady...



Oh, puppy! Oh, God!



Oh, my God, puppy!



A writer! What could you write about?

You're not oppressed or gay.



- Not all writers are gay.

- Well, they're all poor.



That's not true. What about

Tom CIancy, Stephen King, Anne Rice?



Three people

in the history of Iiterature.



The truth is,

I don't care about making money.



Shaun, I have a burst blood vessel

in my brain. I could die at any moment.



But I keep plugging away,

day after day,



because I want to Ieave you

something special, a business.



A Iegacy.



- I want my poody!

- Hey, pal. Control yourself.



Can you give me that back?



- I want my poody.

- Where's your mother?



- Rosa, will you get in here?

- I'm coming.



Rosa, will you get him out of here?



Doesn't he need a nap?

I want him to Iearn some Iimits.






This is my Iife's work here. When I

started, I had nothing. Now Iook at me.



I've  .  million square feet

in Irvine alone,



an empire,

and I want to Ieave it to you.



- This is the Iife I want for you.

- What about what I want?



A writer? Before that you

wanted to be a professional surfer,



so it's hard to take you seriously.



Fine. I don't want your money.



But for the record, you've never done

anything for me. It's always about you.



What the fu...?



It's over. I should drive

into the ocean and get it over with.



Shaun, don't say that.



He was running across PCH.



Was I going to Ieave him there?

No. He'd get killed.



- Shaun, I have something to confess.

- What?



You know how you told me that every

night you'd pray you'd get into Stanford?






Well, I prayed for something, too.






I prayed that

you wouldn't get into Stanford.



- Why?

- I didn't think it would work!



I was sitting here thinking, my prayer

was answered, and I should be happy.



I got into OCU

and maybe you can, too.



You study Creative Writing and I study

Marine Biology and we can be together.



But then I started feeling really guilty.

This was your dream.



And I'm just being selfish.

I just feel awful.



- No. Ashley, this is not your fault.

- I want to try and make it up to you.



Thanks, but I really don't think

there's anything you can do.



Maybe there is. Tanya's grandfather

was on the board at Stanford.



Tanya's my friend,

so maybe she can help.



My grandfather's not going to bend

over backwards for just anyone.



Tanya, please, can't you just help us?



Can't you see I'm busy?



Go check on the dog. Give him

some water. I'll take care of this.






We need to have a Iittle chat.



Excuse me.



Look, Shaun's my boyfriend,

and I would do anything for him.



Even break a promise to you.



- What promise?

- Hallowe'en. Dana's Iittle brother.



Everyone knows already.



Maybe...but they don't know

about Lonny's memorial.



I miss Lonny.



Me too.



Hey, I miss Lonny, too.



But, Ashley, you promised.



And what about prom night?



Hi, Grammy, it's Tanya.

Hi, how are you?



Yeah, is Grandpa there?



You are so awesome.



But, hey, we should go. Tanya's

grandfather wants to meet you.



And I him.



He and his wife are

coming by your house at five.



- My house?

- Yeah.



Do you know who Iives at my house?



That's right.

Just cover his whole head.



Who are you?



I'm your wife. Cindy.



We met in Maui.

Hey, Shaun. Look, Bob's still bleeding.



What's this...?

Oh, my God!



He Iikes you. Yes.

We found him on PCH.



Get him out.

I don't allow dogs in here.



But he's so sweet.



Call the Humane Society.

They'll put him to sleep.



Shouldn't we put out some

cheese and crackers?



They'll be here in     minutes.



- I know.

- Who's coming?



Mom, you might want to put on

something know.



More what? More what?

What's going on?



Shaun. What's going on?

What's happening?



OK. Sit down, sit down, OK? Just sit.

Don't be nervous.



Someone very important

is coming over.



He's bringing his wife. If he Iikes me,

he'll get me into Stanford.



- Now?

- In a couple of minutes.



Shaun. The house is a mess

and Bob is bleeding.



You can't expect me to drop everything

and entertain these strangers.



Drop what? What were you doing?



Look, this is my Iast chance

to get into Stanford.



I know, honey,

and it's not a good day for me.



- But I must go to college.

- Why?



Because that's

what you do after high school.



PIease don't do this to me.

PIease don't sabotage me.



Because every time I try to depend on

you, you start acting Iike a total Iunatic.



Oh, Shaun.






Mom... I'm sorry.



So now I'm a bad mother?



No, you're not. Will you please just

put on some clothes?



I sacrificed a Iot for you, Shaun.

I sacrificed Damian for you.



- Your tennis instructor.

- He was beautiful and Serbian.



When your father Ieft,

I almost married him.



If I had, we'd be Iiving

in a condo clipping coupons



and eating Iunch meat, so I didn't.



I married Bob, for you.



I had sex with Bob four times, for you.

How can you say I'm a bad mother?



I'm not saying that. Mom, you know

money can't buy happiness.



Grow up. Yes, it can.



You and Dad have money

and you're both miserable.



He's miserable?

Did he say that?



Mom, this is the most decisive day of

my Iife and all I'm asking for is one hour,



with no big scenes, nervous breakdowns

or Meryl Streep impressions.



Just one hour when you act Iike a

normal, Ioving parent. Can you do this?



Oh, Shaun.



Yes, I can.



Thank you, Mom.



I'll need a glass of wine.

There's some in the fridge.



Oh, OK. I'll be right back.

Don't move.



- Oh, Ash, I'm really nervous.

- Don't be. Everything'll be fine.



They're early.






Some very important people are coming

over, so please stay in your room.



- Why?

- You're an embarrassment.



Oh, OK.



- Shaun.

- Shaun. Shaun.



Mom, they're here.



I Iook Iike a piņata.



Yeah, you Iook great. Just remember

what I said. No big drunken scenes.






OK. Lupe's with Bob, Lance is

in his room, and Mom is dressed.



- How do I Iook?

- Very handsome.



- Now, just be yourself.

- OK.



OK. Come on.



- You must be Shaun.

- Yes, sir, Mr Gantner. PIease come in.



Mrs Gantner. Thank you

so much for coming.



- This is my girlfriend, Ashley.

- Hi.



- Hello, Ashley.

- You're friends with Tanya.



Tanya's very upset by your situation.

I don't Iike it when she's upset.



Tanya has Arthur

wrapped around her Iittle finger.



- That's right.

- Hello. Hello.



Hello. Hi.



- I'm Cindy Armand Beugler.

- I'm Arthur Gantner. My wife, Vera.



Hello. Welcome.



Excuse me!



Make yourselves at home.



Thank you... Thank you...

Thank you, thank you...



Thank you.



So, Shaun, tell us about yourself.



Well, I'm a National Merit Scholar,

straight A student,



and I want to be a writer.



Do you Iike John Grisham? I sure do.



Shaun's also our class president,



and he was the representative

at our model UN.



He's a fabulous kid, Mr Gantner.



Arthur, please. Call me Arthur.



Even as a Iittle boy, he was so smart.

I miss those days.



Yeah, the Iast few years

have been really hard.



Yeah, I helped my former husband

start his business



and as soon as he gets a Iittle money,

he starts screwing around.



Oh, my goodness.



Then he Ieft me for

a   -year-old he met at the gym.



Yeah, I walked in on them

at a motel in La Jolla.



She's got him naked

and handcuffed to the bed.



So we divorced,



I remarried, then this new one, Bob,

he starts falling apart.



And it's just one shitstorm

after the other.



Shaun, let me in.



- Hurry up.

- Come on.



Yo, bro, we heard

you tried to kill Mrs Cobb.



- Are you on a violent rampage, dude?

- What do you want?



All right, check it out.



We thought, in Lonny's memory,

we could go down to Emerald Cove,



and we could take his board

and push it out into the ocean.



- Or blow it up.

- Right.



Great idea.

We'll do it.



But I can't right now. I got some

very important people over, so...



Whoa! More important than us, huh?



- No.

- More important than Lonny?



Of course not.



Bro, this is his birthday, man,

Iike his death birthday.



- Doesn't that mean anything?

- Go hang with your Iittle VIPs.



Sorry we intruded on your tea party.



We'll be out in the van,

picking each other's butts.



- Naked.

- Huh?



So I visited Stanford in the fall.

It's a beautiful campus.



Isn't it Iovely?

We go up there for football games.



And, of course,

Arthur was on the board, so...



Excuse me. Sorry.

Shaun, have you seen my piss?



My parole officer called.

He wants that piss.



I know it's around here.



Don't you see that we have




Hey, what's up?

Oh, there it is.



I am so sorry.



OK, somebody's got to fill this

or I'm going to jail.



Would you just get out of here?






I'd Iike to protose a toast.



Shaun has been a wonderful son,

and I want him to be happy.



I'm going to be all alone.



- Dear God!

- Pills!



Mom, you didn't give Bob

his medication. Excuse me.



Dude. Dude.




Where are Bob's pain pills?



- No, this is Excedrin.

- It's a decoy.



I put my stash in aspirin bottles. Yellow

are painkillers. They go in the Excedrin.



Lance, Iisten. I need Bob's pain pills.



- He hasn't any.

- He has.



Not any more. I sold them.

But these are good.



No, wait. Yellow are not painkillers,




No, they're X.

The painkillers are in the Tylenol.



Give him these. It'll knock him out.



Wait, please! Mr Gantner,

where are you going?



You're sick. Your mother's a drunk,

your brother's a pervert.



- Shame on you for abusing an old man.

- He's fine. Tell them you're fine, Bob.



Look, I know how this Iooks, but I do

everything I can for Bob. I Iove Bob.



Stanford is for the best and the

brightest, the future Ieaders of America.



You'll never go to Stanford

as Iong as I have a breath in my body.



Watch your fingers.



- What happened?

- You went for a ride, Bob.



- Shaun, are you OK?

- Shaun? Shaun!



I got you, buddy.



You should sue, man.

This isn't right. Sue the school.



Shut up, Lance.



Or just go to Stanford anyway.

Take the classes.



Don't take no for an answer.

Say, "I'm going here, kiss my ass."



- That's a good idea.

- What is?



I should go up to Stanford.



If I talk with the dean of admissions

face to face, he's got to Iet me in.



I can get you there in three hours.



- You're getting into Stanford, I know it.

- Thanks, man.



I have a question for you.

No, I've got something to say.



I'm going to do something with my Iife.



- Yeah, man.

- Good.



Dude, I got these ideas. I got so many

ideas burning through my skull.



I don't know, Iike hats and shirts,

Iike Stussy.



Stussy got started making hats

and shirts for surfers in Hawaii.



Now he's, Iike, a millionaire,

he parties in Hawaii,   / .



- Couldn't I do something Iike that?

- Yeah.



Like a fucking shirt that says "Loser".



Or, I don't know, Iike...

"Talk to the Hand".



Or something Iike that.

Those would sell.



Or... I got these ideas, Iike a hat.

A big old hat that goes...



You know...? That's got to sell.



Watch the road, dumb ass!



People have written me off.

Did you know that?



- My dad, for one.

- Keep your eyes on the road.



Dude, I'm going to have

the Iast Iaugh because here's why.



Some Iittle chumps go to college.

Some Iittle chumps stay home.



Some Iittle chumps eat roast beef.

Some Iittle chumps have none.



This Iittle chump's going to cry, "wee,

wee" all the way to the biz-neck.



- Know what I'm saying?

- Yeah.



- I Iove you.

- I Iove you, too.



We don't say it enough

and it's true and it's not the drugs.



- Hi.

- Hi.



I need to talk

to the dean of admissions.



Well, it's    .   at night,

so he's not here right now.



I know, but this is an emergency.



I'm sure. You'll have to come back

tomorrow, though.



- Could you give us his phone number?

- What? His phone number?



PIease, you guys. Cut me some slack.

Come back tomorrow. We're closed. OK?



That is such crap.

That is such crap!



Shaun, screw her.

You know what? Screw her.



- Are you cold? You want my jacket?

- Yes, please.



She thinks she's so smart

because she goes to Stanford.



Well, I'm smart, too. You watch.



I'm going to pull a MacGyver. I'll break

in through a window, and find a...



...what do you call it? Directory.



Stay here, I'll be back in     minutes,

with the directory. Reconnoitre,    .



The dean's probably Iisted.

You could just call information.



- Hey, what are you doing?

- Hey, cutie.



What do you want?



Well, the question is...



...what do you want?




do you want me to call Public Safety?



Do you want me to get naked

and start the revolution?



I'll take that as a maybe.



- Yes.

- Mr Durkett?



- Yeah.

- Liar!



- Girls, Gina, Stephanie, knock it off.

- Stephanie stole my flip-flop.



So deal with it, Gina. Go.




Hi, I'm Shaun Brumder, I need

to talk to you about my application.



It's Iate.

I've got a seven o'clock flight.



- But there's been a big mistake.

- There's nothing I can do. Goodnight.



- Yes?

- Hi, Mr Durkett.



We drove all the way here

from Orange County.



Can't you just give us five minutes,




OK, you have five minutes. Go.



OK. Stanford University

was my first choice.



I didn't even apply

to any other schools.



But my college counsellor

sent you the wrong transcript.



- Show me your transcript.

- It's in the car.



I'll get it. It'll take two seconds.

Don't go anywhere.






Don... Where are our bathing suits?



There's a green mesh dive bag on

the floor of my closet. Look there.



Who are these people?

Get rid of them.



- Could I have one of those?

- Oh, yeah.



- Thank you. My head is killing me.

- Take two or three.



Thank you.



You can just have the whole bottle.



- Thank you.

- When you're done, I need help.



OK, I'll be up in five minutes.






- Oh, come on.

- Jesus, you Iook Iike a beast.



Where's Shaun?

I need to talk to him.



Driving to Stanford. He's having

a crisis, if you didn't know.



I know, thanks.



Yeah, you're such a good father.

So good to your kids.



I need a drink. Do you have any beer,

Coyote Ugly?



This is an excellent transcript.

You should be very proud.



But what can I say?

If I'd had this by January    st,



you might have had a shot, but...



I need you.



Excuse me. Won't be a minute.



- What's the big deal?

- He's going to say no.



Hey, don't Iet him say no.



- It's going to be fine.

- OK. Thanks.



So what's up

with your brother and aspirin?



Does he get a Iot of headaches

or what?



What's that smell?

What am I sitting in?



Relax. It's just urine.






Your son was a real brat today,

a real pain in the ass.



- My son?

- He said I was selfish.



He said everything's

always about me.



He called me a drama queen,

said I was trying to sabotage him.



So how's Bob?



How's what's-her-face?



She's sleeping around.






I can't talk to her.

She doesn't play tennis.



She's not a good mother.

She's not Iike you.



Want another beer?






Sometimes I Ieave the office at

the end of the day and head home...



...and     minutes Iater, I'm here.



In front of this house.

It's annoying. It's totally out of my way.



I made a mistake and I'm tired

of paying for it. I want you back.



You're such an asshole.



Which ones were they?



- Excedrin.

- Excedrin.



- OK. Excedrin are...pain pills.

- Pain pills.



- No! Oh, my God!

- What?



We just gave the dean

of admissions three hits of...



Where were we?



Well, Mr Durkett, to me,

Stanford's not just a school,



it's my entire reason for Iiving.



Every night before I went to bed,

I'd pray I'd get into Stanford.



I worked really hard, and when all

my friends were out having fun,



I stayed in and studied.



That's good.

That's what you have to do.






Wait a second.



I Iike you. What's your name?



- Shaun.

- Shaun. Shaun.



I Iike you. I do. I don't know why.



I just Iike you.






I feel so good!



Is it me or is it

hotter than hell in here?



Can you help me?



Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I can.



No. There's no time. I'm Ieaving.



I'm going to Bali with my family.



I Iove them so much.



I need water or I need to Iie down.



Before you do that...



Shaun, you're my same height.

That is neat.



It is. Listen, Iet's go to your office,



and you can add my name to the

acceptance Iist before you Ieave for Bali.



Sounds good. Yeah.



Oh, man, the Iights are, Iike, vivid!



Well, it's a beautiful night.



- You're so beautiful!

- Thank you.



- You're welcome.

- You know, I really appreciate this.



That's OK, Shaun,



'cause I feel Iike

I've known you forever.



I have a confession.



I never went to college.



It's overrated.



My brother wants

to go here next year.



Well, I hope he's on this Iist.



- What's that?

- A Iist of people they've accepted.



They rejected him, the jerks.



Don't do that.



When I was Iittle, I was a total pyro.



I was, too.



Put that out, man.

Put it out.



- Who are you?

- I'm Shaun Brumder.



You're going to help me get into

Stanford and we're at your office.



Oh, my God!



Ray, back that engine out,

we got a knock down.



That's negatory, Julio. I need

you to wedge that popper. Hey!






- What's your name?

- Joe...John.



- Joe John.

- Your name's Joe John?



Johnston. Johnston, Joe.



- What happened here?

- There was a fire.



I don't know. I came by and was...



...checking out the fire.



That Iady, Mona, said that you two were

in the building when the fire started.



Yeah. She's a Iiar 'cause I don't know

her, so whatever she says is a Iie, so...



- So you weren't in the building with her?

- No, not I.



All right. She started it.



Because she was Iike, "I hate my job,

I'm going to burn this mother down."



And I said, "You better not.

You better not."



- She said it was an electrical fire.

- It was, a total electrical fire.



The switches had sparks coming out,

and the sockets...



- It was Iike the Fourth of July, man.

- Why aren't you wearing your pants?



I tripped, then I had to take them off

to run faster out of the flames.



I think I inhaled some smoke. Will you

excuse me a second? I'll be right back.



We've got a sprinter. Five foot five,

no pants, unkempt...






You'll be fine.




Wait a second. Mr Durkett.



This guy thinks

he's the dean of admissions.



Shaun. Shaun.



Shaun, it's so psychedelic. I Iight

one match, and the building blows up.



- I was just trying to help you.

- By setting the building on fire?



I was high.



You're always high.

You're a drugged-out Ioser.



You think you're going

to create a T-shirt company?



You can't even dress yourself.






Shaun, I'm so sorry.



I should've seen this coming. The one

day I need my family to come through,



they end up doing what they

always do: my father goes ballistic,



my mother gets plastered

and my brother burns down a building.



It's Iike they're in an evil conspiracy

to prevent me getting anywhere.



- Is that what you think?

- What else can I think?



I really believed

you wanted to go to Stanford



because you wanted

to study with Marcus Skinner.



- That's not it, is it?

- What are you talking about?



You want to run away.



You want to be free of everybody.



You think by coming here

you'll meet people that are smarter,



and saner, and better.



You know, if you went to Stanford

that would be the end of us.



It doesn't seem to me Iike

that's ever crossed your mind.



- Oh, Ashley, come on.

- Shaun, I'm sorry you didn't get in.



But if you think that going here

is the only way



you can be the person you want to be...



...then I just feel sorry for you.









What's going on?

Why are you in that robe?



- I'm not going to Iie to you, Krista.

- Did you sleep with your ex-wife?



- I want a divorce.

- Really?



- You can have the house.

- Really? What about Jake?



- I thought we could share custody.

- OK. Great.



But can you take him tonight



'cause there's this new club in Newport

that's supposed to be totally bitchin'?



- OK.

- Thanks, Bud.



You have my cell phone number.

If you need me, just call.



- I think this is a great idea.

- Good.



- Later.

- Later.






- What are you reading?

- Faulkner.



- He's a great writer.

- Yeah. Sure.



You're an English major?



- No. I don't even go here.

- So you're just visiting.



I should probably go.



OK. It was nice meeting you.



Hey, I'm going to a party.

Want to maybe come check it out?



- So do you Iike Faulkner?

- He's OK. I mean, he's kind of boring.



I think I might just get the CIiff Notes.



Hey, Gretchen, there are

some serious cuties at this party.



- Lock me up because I am horny.

- Guys, this is Shaun.



- Hi.

- Hi.



- Oh, my God, this is our song!

- They're playing our song!



Scrabble? I Iove Scrabble.



Last time I played I threw down the

word mazzard. It's a type of cherry tree.



I even got    bonus points.



So, you don't Iook familiar.

Are you a freshman?



- No, not even. I'm still in high school.

- Did you apply to Stanford?



No, I'm going to Orange County

University. That's where I'm from.



Really? I've heard of Orange County.



Yeah, I Iove it there.

The weather's great, people are nice.



I really want to be a marine biologist,

so it's the perfect place for me to study.



- What about you?

- I'm a Comparative Literature major.



I want to be a writer.

Fiction, poetry, screenplays, whatever.



I have an idea for a TV show.

It's about vampires...ostensibly.



But, underneath, it's actually about

the reunification of Germany.



- But it's funny.

- My boyfriend wants to be a writer, too.



- Your boyfriend?

- Yeah, Shaun. He's really talented.



He wrote this great story

about growing up in Orange County,



and it's just really funny and smart.



- But it doesn't really matter what I think.

- Why not?






- Hey, what's up?

- Is this your boyfriend?



- What, are you spying on me?

- No!



I was just up on the balcony and...



Yeah, I was spying on you. Who's this?



I'm Kip.



Yeah, Kip. Let's go inside

where we can be alone.



Oh, come on, Ash. Ashley.



Mr Skinner?



- Hi.

- Hi.



You're Marcus Skinner.

You're a good writer.



Thank you.



I'm obsessed with you, Mr Skinner.



Not in a sexual way or a romantic way

or anything Iike that.



Just your writing.



I'm Shaun Brumder. I wrote you

a Ietter a couple of months ago.



- I sent you one of my stories.

- "Orange County".



Yeah. Yeah... Wait.

Did you read it?



Oh, yes, it was a great story.



I can't...



I'm sorry...



It's been a Iong day. Could you just

say that, what you just said, once more?



It was a great story.

I really enjoyed it.



Mr Skinner, I...



Dude... You have no idea

what that means to me.



The characters are unique.



Well-drawn. The mother,

drunk, arguing with all the maids.



The brother always passing out

everywhere. I Ioved the girlfriend.



The bleeding-heart animal freak.

She was my favourite.



You really Iove your characters.

It shows in the writing.



Thank you.

I never really thought about it that way.



- My only criticism...

- Yes, oh, please, it's what I need.



You need an ending.



I know. I just don't know how to end it.



You should figure that out.



Maybe I can help you.



Well, I didn't get in to Stanford.



Yeah. So it means I can't work with you.



I want to be a good writer, Mr Skinner,



but I'm just afraid that if I don't get

out of Orange County,



it's never going to happen.



Don't be afraid of that.

You are a good writer.



And every good writer has a conflicted

relationship with the place he grew up.



Joyce, Faulkner, Tolstoy.



And that's what I remember Ioving

about your story. It's very conflicted.



At the beginning,

you think these people are doomed.



This family's heading for disaster.



Then, as you read on,

you see that there exist,



beneath the surface,

these very real connections,



these deep relationships.



What I took from your story is this,



that even in a world where people can

be superficial and stupid and selfish,



there's still hope.



Was that the message

you were trying for?



Shaun, Shaun, Shaun.



Shaun, over here.






I'm sorry.



- God, Lance!

- I'm sorry. It's OK. It's just a nick.



- You'll never believe who I just met.

- Who?



- What? Who?

- The writer.



He Iiked my story!



Shut up! That's awesome,

but I am going to prison!



- What?

- The cops are right on my ass. Listen.



- We are going to Mexico, right now.

- Oh, Lance!






OK, fine. We're Ieaving.

But we've got to get Ashley first.



No, I'm sorry, that's not

in the cards, bro. She'll be fine.



Forget her. Some dude'll

give her a nice bed to sleep in.



- Lance.

- OK, we'll get her.



But you're going to follow me 'cause

I am an expert at excaping. Let's go!



Fast excapes! Fast excapes

are my expertise. Come on.



- Be careful.

- Follow me.



Lance, are you OK?



Go get the Bronco, Shaun,

and come back for me.



- OK.

- Dude...



- Promise me, dude.

- Yeah, I promise.



The whole time

I'm thinking it's the alternator,



my bro says, "It's the carburettor."

And he was right.



Ashley, would you get in the car?



- I'm mad at you, remember?

- I know, but can we discuss it in the car?



You heard her. Leave her alone.



Butt out, dude.

Ashley, get in the car right now!






- Shaun, tell her you're sorry.

- I'm sorry.



Dude, come on. Say it Iike you mean it.



Ashley, I'm so sorry.



Now tell her you Iove her.

Tell her you Iove her.



I Iove you.



I Iove you so much.



Good. You Iove him, he Ioves you.

Now get in the damn Bronco.



Ashley, now. Now!



- Now!

- Kip, it was really nice to meet you.



Get in the car!



- Shaun.

- Yeah?






Lance isn't going

to be able to hear anything.



He's passed out.

He's not going to wake up, I promise.



OK, you don't believe me?

Lance. Lance!



See? Nothing. He's out cold.

Like a Iight. Come on.



He'll be fine, I promise.



CIearly, you're not a negotiations

expert, so Iet me explain.



You come in with a proposal that's over

the top, a new gymnasium, $   million,



then I counter with a Iow ball offer,

Iike $     for a medicine ball.



- That is absurd and offensive.

- What...?



It's offensive, sir.

Stanford University...



No, no, no, you're not hearing me.



- No, you're not hearing me.

- You're not hearing me!



- Hey, drink your milk.

- I don't want milk. I want my poody.



Your poody's been retired.

You're a Iittle big for...



Where are you going? You don't want

the milk, fine. You want some juice?



Yes, OK. Go to the fridge

and get yourself some.



And get some for me,

while you're at it.



Oh, you're helpful.

Finally some help around here.



- Hey, guys, what's up?

- Hey, what's up, dude?



Hey, dude, check this out.

Last night, we were at this party,



Iittle Arlo here decides

to profess his undying Iove for me.



Didn't I tell you he was a fruitcake?



Bro, that's not true.

This is the real story.



Chad crashed at my house, right.



And I woke up in the night,

he was fondling my...



Dude, I Iost my keys.

I was Iooking for 'em.



- You guys want to come in?

- All right.



- Jake.

- Yo.



- What are you doing here?

- Hello, everybody.



- Hey, Bob.

- How was your trip?



It was OK.



No, just come back with an offer.



We don't have to dot the i's and cross

the t's. We both have our people.



I'll call you back.

My kids just walked in the door.



- Hi, guys.

- Dad, what...?



Lupe, I'm sure you're right.



Mom, what's going on?



Shaun, Lance,

something happened Iast night.



Your mother and I... We...



- Well...

- You banged Mom?



That's not the word I would use but,

yes, we came together.



- Are you serious?

- Guess what else we did.



I've been on the phone with Stanford.



We donated the money

for a new admissions building.



I guess the old one burned down.



We got you in to Stanford, Shaun.



- You did that for me?

- Yeah.






- Yeah, bro, way to go, man.

- We're stoked, dude.



Yeah, Stanford!



Congratulations, Shaun,

that is awesome.






I was just up in my room thinking

about Faulkner, and wondering,



if he'd Ieft the South, would he

have ever written "Light in August"?



Or what if James Joyce

had Ieft Ireland?



I mean, he did Ieave Ireland,

but not in his heart.



See what I'm getting at?



I don't need to go to Stanford

to be a writer.



All I need are the people

who inspire me, Iike my friends...



...and my family...



...and you.



So I'm going to stay.

I'm going to stay in Orange County.



You are?

Boy, oh, boy!



- Stanford sucks! Yeah!

- Shaun Brumder rocks!



Dear Mr Skinner,



I'm writing you to say thank you

for all your words of wisdom.



It took a while, but I finally realised



Orange County is the perfect

environment for an aspiring writer.



Today I went to the beach with a copy

of your book. I left it there by the water.



Maybe another mixed-up kid

will stumble upon it,



and maybe it'll change his life

like it changed mine.



Later, Mr Skinner...



Yours truly,

Shaun Brumder.



Dude, don't touch.

I'm Iighting the fire.



It was my idea.



You'll blow off your hand.

Give me the Iighter.



Lonny would've wanted me

to blow up his board.



- Lonny thought you were a tool.

- Lonny thought you were a fool.



- Hey, guys. What are you doing?

- We're going to blow up Lonny's board.



- It's going to be explosive.

- We've got so many M-  s.



It's going to be Iike the Fourth of July.



- What are you doing?

- Going surfing.



All right!



Come on, Iet's go!



All right!




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