Voila! Finally, the Owl And The Pussycat
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Barbra Streisand and
George Segal movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Owl And The Pussycat. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
It's raining and I can't get a cab,and I haven't any money anyway.What the hell,it's probably just some nice guy...... who wants to help a girl out.Just some rich, nice looking guywho'll give me a lift home.Yeah, that's all. Nope, that ain't all.
- Good evening, Mr. Rapzinski.
- What is it?
To come and throw in garbage.
Not throw on nice floor.
I, Rapzinski, say this.
Sorry to have taken you away
from your basement, Mr. Rapzinski.
I know how hard you work, keeping
the building on the House and Garden's...
...All-time Ten Best list.
Yes, Mr. Rapzinski?
- Still making that noise.
- What noise is that?
Tic tac, tic tac."
That's the sound my typewriter makes
when I press down on the keys.
This is the method I use to produce
the stories and the novels that I write.
I am a writer.
- I got complaint again.
- From whom?
No matter. She say you making the noise
Don't make no more. I, Rapzinski, say this.
Is that all?
Then I will go up to my apartment...
...and you can go back
downstairs and sit in your tire.
National weather summary.Severe weather along coastlineextending from the Atlantic coast to...... the southlandSunday afternoon and evening.Towering rain stormsin the vicinity of frontal zones...... borne strong winds,large hail and heavy rain.... borne strong winds,large hail and heavy rain.Just one thing, Lieutenant.Do you think Vincent Cole did it?It could be Cole. I don't know. I do know...- All right.- You're surrounded, Vincent. Give up.
Mr. Rapzinski? Mr. Sherman.
Yes, I think there's something
you should know.
- Mr. Sherman.
- What do you want?
- I have to see you, Mr. Sherman.
- Who are you?
You don't know me,
but it's terribly important.
We make it a rule not to open the door
- Wolf and I. Wolf is a Doberman pinscher.
Mr. Sherman, please.
It's a matter of life and death.
Sit, Wolf. Come on, boy, sit.
Is someone chasing you?
I can't discuss it through the door.
It's extremely personal.
- Are you alone?
- Yes, goddamn it.
Say: "As God is my judge, I am all alone.""As God is my judge,
I'm a little girl alone here in the hallway."
Fink pansy! You rat!
You fruitcake! Rat fink fruitcake!
- You lied about your size.
- You lied about the dog.
He could be hiding,
ready to spring at your throat.
'Cause creeps as yourself,
don't have dogs named Wolf.
What creeps like you have
are faggy, hairy things called...
...Pooky or Doo-doo.
- You must have the wrong apartment.
- Don't try to cop out, you slimy worm.
I got the right apartment.
I got the right fairy.
You're obviously suffering
from aggravated paranoid delusion.
What'd you say?
I'm suggesting you're extrapolating
from your sordid, pathetic environment.
If I weren't so refined,
I'd beat the crap out of you.
That's good coming from a queer
who peeps in girls' windows.
What are you talking about?
About a dirty rat who is so jealous
of what the big boys are doing...
...he squeals to the superintendent because
a girl is entertaining a gentleman.
- Accepting a large tip for her services.
- You admit it! That's a confession!
You're a peeping Tom.
Only thing worse than a peeping Tom...
...is a squealer, and you're both.
You four-eyed fag.
I sense that you're upset...
What kind of a weirdo are you?
You must have eyes like a vulture.
If you'd close your window shades...
I don't like to close my shades.
Too hot in that room.
- Friction, no doubt.
- What is that?
Some kind of dirty joke?
Friction. Oh, yeah.
I get it. Something you probably
wouldn't even know about.
I suppose all the guys you pick up
- I'm starting to get angry.
- You gonna rush at me, claw my eyes out?
- I'm getting angry.
- Get one of your boyfriends to beat me up?
- I'm angry.
- Where are you going?
I'm calling the police.
Look, please don't do that.
There's no point in crying.
Crying does not solve anything.
Why don't you return to your apartment...
I don't have any apartment.
Son of a bitch threw me out.
- What do you mean, "what?"
- Raspinasky threw me out.
- Threw me out.
- Threw you out?
- In the street.
- In the street?
- You were calling the cops.
- I was...
- What are you, a parrot?
- Now look...
...I said nothing about the police.
I informed him something was going on
in one of his apartments...
Or is it girls in general that you hate?
- Could you cry someplace else?
- I'm not crying!
Could you not cry someplace else?
You're getting my typewriter all wet.
- You are creepy.
- The keys will rust.
- Where would you like me to cry?
- How about Detroit?
Give me $
and I'll go find a room someplace.
Don't worry, I'll pay you back.
I don't have any money.
I was paid today
and I didn't cash my check.
Finks never have any money.
What about the money
that your friend gave you?
Raspinasky, whatever his name is, took it.
He said that if I gave him the money,
he'd cover up with the cops.
That was a despicable thing to do.
Yeah. What's that mean?
- What does what mean?
- What you just said. "Despicable."
- It means he's a naturally rotten person.
- That's his excuse. What's yours?
- What's my what?
- Why'd you do it? Why'd you rat on me?
Why did you complain to Rapzinski
about my typing?
That's why you did it?
Because of your typing?
- I was upset. I had a bad day.
- A bad day?
I lost my job. I didn't get paid.
I got thrown out of my room.
I got no place to go.
I'm broke. It's raining.
I'm stuck in a crummy room with a pervert.
- At least you've got your health.
- Very funny. Boy, you're one helluva...
Wait a minute.
- For God sake, it's : in the morning!
- You were watching me with these?
You're no amateur, you're a pro.
You in training
for the perverts' Olympic games?
- Not so loud.
- With the naked eye, it's one thing.
It's plain dirty. But with these...
When you have to work this hard, it's filth.
You oughta be ashamed of yourself!
You're a disgusting person!
- Did you take pictures of me?
- It's part of my work, part of my studies.
What are you studying to be,
I am a writer. I observe people.
That is what a writer does.
What a writer does is write.
Looking in windows
is what a peeping Tom does.
This is incredible.
At : a.m., I'm kneeling here...
...being lectured to by a berserk whore.
- I am not a whore!
I am not a whore! I'm a model.
And an actress.
There, you've done it.
We're gonna get thrown out of here.
I happen to have appeared
in two television commercials.
I have appeared
in the pages of many leading magazines.
- All right, shush.
- And newspapers.
- Shush. All right.
- I'm telling you.
Hello. Hi, Mr. Rapzinski.
I know. It's : . A friend of...
Yes, I will.
Where'd you go, tootsie?
Hiding under the covers
from the big bad lady?
Open this door, please.
Who is it? Who's out there?
- It's just me, Mr. Sherman.
- Felix Sherman.
- What do you think you're doing out there?
- I live here.
- Here, in this apartment.
- Don't yell at me, punk!
Do you know what time it is?
- Could I climb through your window...
- Watch out!
Stay where you are!
Don't come any closer. I got a broom.
Look, I've locked myself out.
- Believe me, I'm completely unarmed.
- He's going to expose himself!
Hey, Sherman, where are you?
I'm out in the hall.
- What are you doing out there?
- I'm locked out.
- You sure it's you?
Are you alone?
- Of course I'm alone.
Swear to me that you're just a fink
all alone in the hallway.
Did you hurt yourself, honey?
Now look, I think I've got about $ . .
I'm going to give it to you
and then you're going to go away.
- A whole $ . .
- Almost a $ . .
I can take that trip to Europe
I've been dreaming about.
What about the YWCA?
For a $ . ? That Christian YWCA is not.
If Rapzinski finds out that you're here...
...he's going to throw me out
of this apartment.
That would be terrible, wouldn't it?
To get thrown out of your apartment
in the middle of the night.
I'm gonna go to sleep,
you won't hear a sound out of me.
I'll be out of here tomorrow morning
before you get up...
...because I don't want to look at your face
more than I have to.
- Where's your TV?
- I'm proud to say I don't have one.
- You don't? What am I going to do?
- I can't go to sleep without the TV.
- Use your set.
I can't. He busted it.
He came charging in and he ripped
the cord out with his bare claws.
I've had this set eight years.
Eight years next August.
If he hurt it...
Boy, if any of those tubes
or anything is broken...
...I swear I'm going to murder him.
What's the matter?
You expecting company?
This happens to be a very expensive
creation. I had to send away for it.
- Did it come in a plain brown wrapper?
- It's one of my modeling outfits.
For whom do you model,
the Boston Strangler?
Mr. Sherman, if you're nice,
I'll let you try it on sometime.
All right, let's get one thing straight, Doris.
- How'd you know my name?
- It's written there.
Who gave you permission
to read my panties?
What were you going to say?
Can't you just talk to me
for a couple of minutes?
I can't go to sleep cold turkey.
We have nothing to say to one another.
We do not speak the same language.
I won't hurt you.
- You don't have to be scared of me.
- Do you mind?
I almost caught you, didn't I?
Would you just put down the shade
and go away?
Why? You think
you got something special?
- You got something I haven't seen before?
- One of the very few, no doubt.
You gotta get over this terrible fear
of the opposite sex.
Will you get out of here?
Just 'cause you live in the twilight world,
Listen, goddamn it,
I'm just as normal as you are.
- Let me rephrase that.
- What are you so ashamed of?
- I'm not ashamed of anything.
That's what I get for laughing so hard.
I'm sorry I laughed.
I mean honest, cross my heart...
...I wasn't laughing at you, anyway,
I was laughing at the situation.
I mean it.
I mean it.
You're a perfectly nice-Iooking person.
Nothing wrong with you at all.
Nothing wrong with you at all.
- Hold your breath.
- It never works.
Take ten sips of water.
No good. You gotta scare me.
I've got to scare you?
The only thing that works.
Come on, please.
Maybe you'll hiccup yourself to sleep.
Look, I get 'em very deep.
It's a tremendous strain on my heart.
Stop fooling around and scare me,
or I'll scream!
- Come on!
- Are you serious?
You're sitting there
waiting for me to frighten you?
- You gotta put me off my guard.
- Put you off your guard?
Of course, change the subject, distract me.
Nice weather we're having,
don't you think?
It's warmer than it was last year
at this time.
- I was in Chicago last year.
- Fascinating city, Chicago.
It stinks! Come on,
or do I have to hiccup to death?
- I'm putting you off your guard.
- I'm off my guard now.
- No, you're not. You're expecting it.
- I am not expecting it! Will you come on.
- You're right. I was expecting it.
- Look, I'm going to sleep.
I don't care what you do.
I'm exhausted. Good night.
You dirty, heartless son of a bitch!
You got anything to drink?
You got any Coca-Cola?
- In the icebox.
I could die for all that pervert cares.
Nobody gives a damn
about anybody anymore.
What's the matter with you, are you crazy?
For Christ's sake!
I told you to scare me,
not give me a heart attack!
Get your hands off of me, you creep.
- Get her.
- Up yours!
This makes three.- Three what?- Three times I've been on TV.This could be your big break.
Barney, I realize that
this is a terrible imposition.
- What happened?
- Lf there were any other alternative...
- What happened, Felix?
- We've been evicted.
- Hi. I'm Doris. Pleased to meet you.
- I'm Barney.
I plan, naturally, to take this to the courts.
Why don't you tell me about it
in the morning?
This is a most peculiar situation.
Actually, Doris and I met
this evening for the first time...
...although we have been occupants
of the same building.
I didn't have any cash or, of course,
we wouldn't have come here.
We would have simply gone to a hotel.
To separate hotels.
- To separate rooms in the same hotel.
- You're straight?
You should've told me
you were entertaining.
We certainly wouldn't have
- Do you want to use the bathroom?
- Certainly not.
Thank you, though. Thanks for everything.
Listen, if there's anything I can...
- That's really your name? Felix?
- Is something wrong with Felix?
It's kind of euchy sounding, isn't it?
I'm not overly familiar
with the word "euchy".
Perhaps, if you could stretch
your meager vocabulary enough...
...to eke out a definition of the term.
I mean, Felix is a good name
for a pet snail.
I know you're not particularly
well versed in etymology but...
You bet your ass I'm not.
The name Felix means "happy and lucky".
- That's you: A happy, lucky snail.
- Thank you, Doris.
What do you mean, Doris?
- "Doris": A helpless, hopeless hustler.
- Okay, I got two things to say to you:
One, I am not a hustler.
I'm a model and an actress.
- I've appeared in three TV commercials!
- Three. My God, that's fantastic!
You must've made another commercial
in the elevator.
- I didn't notice.
Maybe it was only two.
But I've appeared in pages of many
leading magazines and newspapers.
And I've been in a movie.
In between assignments, you're for rent.
I have only done that a couple of times
and then it was...
...with perfectly respectable people.
Under emergency conditions.
It's probably something
you wouldn't understand.
I may be a prostitute,
but I am not promiscuous.
You're absolutely right.
It's a subtle distinction.
I take it all back.
You're a fine example of Capitalism
at its most efficient.
You merely take natural resources...
...add the cost of labor,
and sell the product for a reasonable profit.
I didn't follow that,
but I get the feeling it was an insult.
Nope. It was just a statement
of the way things are.
Are you planning to sleep in that position?
It's a habit I got from watching TV at night.
You had two things to say to me.
I just happen to know
what the name Doris means.
Because I looked it up.
I guess you don't know everything.
Don't know what the name Doris means,
do you, Dr. IQ?
Would you like me to tell you
what the name Doris means?
I mean, would you like to learn something?
If it will help you sleep.
The name Doris means "a Dorian woman".
And what is a Dorian woman?
Beats the shit out of me.
Do you want to turn out the light?
- I can't go to sleep yet.
- But I can.
You're a very fortunate person.
It's nice to be able to go to sleep
whenever you want to.
Once I do go to sleep
I go to sleep very soundly.
Like a log.
Like a corpse.
But it's very hard for me to get to sleep
once I'm awake.
I went to this shrink once who said
it was because I was afraid of dying.
I don't know. I think that...
...I got this...
Too much of this stuff called...
...that I got, you know?
Like, when I'm lying very still.
I can feel it, you know. Sort of...
...going up my body.
In all my organs.
My arms and my legs...
Like Lon Chaney, you know?
In the Man Made Monster.
When they keep experimenting
on Lon Chaney...
...by giving him these bigger and bigger
hunks of electricity...
...until he damn near glows.
After he knocks somebody off,
they put him in the electric chair...
...where they give him
about volts of electricity.
This makes him absolutely mad as hell.
So he busts loose
and when they try to grab him...
...they realize all he has to do
is slip 'em a goose...
...and they would fry to a crisp.
Jesus, can you imagine
what something like that must be like?
- Why are you doing this to me?
- What's the matter?
I've been up since : this morning,
My body is yearning for sleep desperately.
I have things I have to do today.
I would like to be awake
when I am doing them.
I am not blessed
with an excess of adrenaline.
I am cursed by the need,
once every day or so...
...to close my eyes and to actually sleep.
"To actually sleep".
You've got me so punchy
I'm even splitting infinitives!
My mind is cracking.
Soon I won't be responsible for my actions.
- I'm warning you!
- You're a real tiger when you're aroused.
Please! Doris, I'm asking you...
...in the name of everything
we hold sacred...
...go to sleep.
I'm sorry. I would like to go to sleep.
I can't fall to sleep without the TV on.
- It soothes me.
- How about a sleeping pill?
I never take sleeping pills.
They're too enervating.
- Did you hear what I said?
- I said, "Pills are too enervating".
- Yes, I heard that.
- You know what that means, "enervating"?
- Yes, I do.
People think it means the opposite
of what it means.
- But it doesn't.
- No, words rarely do.
- But it doesn't.
- No, words rarely do.
- Do what?
- Mean the opposite of what they mean.
My God, I'm beginning to talk like her.
Maybe you could borrow a TV set
from next door?
What are you doing?
And there's no way
to prove my innocence?
Don't worry, just before he died
the old Indian confessed.
He told us everything. Everything?
Yes, everything about the money.
They found it where he buried it,
next to the old cross on the hill.
And about Louise.
Louise, is she...
Yes, but she'll never walk again. Never?
At least not until next week...
...when she walks down the center aisle
of the chapel with you.
- But, Dad, I thought...
- No, son.
Your mother and I found her
many years ago.
A tiny thing she was,
half dead with exposure and exhaustion...
...in Samson's Gulch.
Then... That's right, son.
Louise is not your sister.
But that's another story.
Just time for a wrap-up
of this evening's latest headlines...
...before we sign off.
The body of writer Felix Sherman
was found early this morning...
...in a New York apartment.
Autopsy reports indicate
that the cause of death...
...was aggravated exhaustion.
And that's this evening's headlines.
Tonight's sermonette deals with
one of God's greatest gifts to man:
The power of sleep.
Sleep that refreshes the body
and nourishes the mind.
Sleep that knits up
the raveled sleeve of care.
Sleep that seizes minister,
priest and rabbi alike...
...without regard for color
or national origin.
"O, say can you see
And the rockets red..."
This is F-E-L-I-X TV, the Sherman Station,
That was terrific.
- That was really terrific.
- You're not getting up.
You made all that up?
You must be a terrific writer.
- Don't get up.
- I forgot something.
I gotta get a drink of water.
What did you write for, television?
- My God, she's up.
- Did you? Did you write for TV?
No, I did not ever write
for the lobotomy box.
What did you write for? Movies?
- No. I didn't write for movies.
- That's too bad.
- They don't seem to think so.
- I love the movies.
I used to go every night to nd Street.
But there was always somebody
sitting next to me trying something weird.
- Did you ever try reading?
- That wouldn't stop 'em.
No, I don't mean in the theater.
Did you ever try reading a book?
A book? Yeah.
I used to read Playboy all the time
until I got mad at them.
I posed for these terrific
Playmate of the Month thing.
They sent 'em back.
I know the feeling.
You want to fool around?
No, I do not want to fool around.
Want a drink of water?
I know this is going to come
as a surprise to you...
...but I would like to go to sleep.
- Could you tell me a story?
Just tell me a story
and I swear I'll go to sleep.
What kind of a story?
You know, like a good movie story.
I am extremely sorry, but I do not
know the story of the Sound of Music.
Not that terrible thing.
the Sound of Music was terrible?
Four times I saw that terrible movie.
- You must've really hated it.
- Damned near killed my friend Eleanor.
In the balcony of the RKO th Street,
now torn down.
- It was playing continuous.
No intermission. Get it?
Her bladder burst.
- There's a lesson there for all of us.
- What about my story?
I'm planning to have a nightmare.
You can listen in.
What about all those stories
you got in your suitcase?
They are works in progress.
Listen, read me
some of your works in progress.
- I'm interested. I really am.
- You would not understand my work.
How do you know?
It has no beautiful people,
no hit songs, no happy ending.
Maybe I could show you
where you went wrong.
I know when I went wrong.
I went wrong when I opened my door
at : this morning.
Read me some of your stuff and
I promise I'll never ask you anything again.
Listen, I dig the sound of your voice.
Honest. It's very enervating.
You know what that means?
I told you. Come on, read me a story.
I don't want to read you my story.
Isn't there any other way
you can fall asleep?
- I'll read you my story.
I'm a terrific audience, you'll see.
- I bet I'm asleep before Page .
- That would be a compliment.
- Chapter . The City...
- That's the title, right? Scream?
- "The city..."
- That's a wild title.
Thank you. "The City came to life.
"The sun spit morning into Julian's face...
"...traffic's symphony responded
to day's downbeat...
"...as a million souls
wrapped in the cocoon of sleep...""The sun spit morning"?
"...as a million souls
wrapped in the cocoon of..."
Wait a minute.
The sun spit morning into this guy's face?
That was the image. Yes.
- His face got morning spit into it?
- I told you you wouldn't like it.
No, you didn't.
You said I wouldn't understand it.
I understand it, I don't dislike it.
- You don't?
- I hate it.
What do you mean,
"the sun spit morning"?
- It wasn't written for you.
- Who was it written for?
You don't have to raise your voice.
What right have you to say
a terrible thing like that:
- "The sun spit morning"?
- What are you yelling about?
It's a very simple metaphor:
"The sun spit morning".
That is not all.
The sun spit morning into this guy's face!
Barney, we didn't wake you, did we?
No. Not at all.
We thought we'd go down
and watch the garbage collectors at work.
Get a jump on the crowd.
I'm sorry if we caused you any disturbance.
We planned to take a drive today
in the country, anyway.
And since the sun has begun to spit,
we just thought we'd get out there early...
...and catch some of the morning drool.
I sure hope I didn't embarrass you
with your friends.
That's not his old lady, is it?
He's a very nice looking person.
You're not so bad yourself. I'm not kiddin'.
Aren't you going to talk to me anymore?
I'm sorry if I used all that vulgar language.
I'm sorry that you got bounced
out of your place and everything.
It's just that I was so goddamn...
- I mean, gosh darned mad.
- You had a right to be upset.
Considering the facts,
your conduct was exemplary.
Gee, you sure know
some terrific big words.
Language is my business.
You okay in there?
What're you doin'?
Brushing my teeth.
Make much money at it?
Brushing my teeth
is not the attraction that it used to be.
No, I meant writing.
I don't write to make money.
You'd take it if they gave it to you,
Yes, but it would be inconsistent
with my esthetic responsibilities.
I understand "with" and "my".
They would give me money
to write their way.
I want to write my way.
I guess they figure it's their money.
Yes, I think that's the way they figure.
Why did you do that?
- This is a double bed.
- I know.
I always feel so selfish
sleeping alone in a double bed...
...when there are people in China
sleeping on the ground.
I'll just have to make it up all over again.
- I'll do it.
- I'm quite capable of doing it myself.
I unmade it. I'll make it.
- I said I'll do it and I'll do it.
- I got to admit you kind of get to me.
- Come on, Doris.
- Baby, I am comin' on.
I am about to give you a sound thrashing.
- I dig tough guys.
- But violence is against my principles.
I dig gentle guys.
Look, I know you want it.
- I am not an animal.
- Come on, sweetheart, you'll love it.
- I am not governed by my appetites.
- Come on.
I am an intellectual.
My life is governed by my mind.
- Look, baby.
- I am not baby, I am Felix.
I don't give a damn
what you did in the past.
I've been with guys before
who were ACDC.
Goddammit, Doris, I am not ACDC.
Can't you understand that?
- I am totally DC.
If you want to give me your hand.
You can close your eyes
and pretend I'm a guy...
...a guy with a screwed up shape.
That was terrific!
- I'll get it. I got it.
- No! Let me do it.
- You're getting it tighter.
- Let me do it. I'm used to this sorta thing.
Let me untie it. Let me help, baby.
- Let me do it.
- You're making it tighter.
I got it.
Wait a minute. Oh, you mother!
Don't point down!
- Wait a minute. Come here.
- Easy. All right.
All right. Okay.
No, that's not it.
No. That's not it. No, honey.
- Can't you give me a hint?
- No, you have to undo it.
- Does it hinge or something?
- No, that's not it.
Baby, will you...
- Do I have to say the secret word?
- Let me help you.
Can I please help? Don't tear it!
- What is this thing, a decal or something?
- I'll do it.
I'll get it.
What do you think?
Do that some more.
- Come on, baby.
- I'm not baby.
- Come on. Keep it up, lover.
- I'm not lover.
Yeah, come on.
Good. Atta boy.
Very good. Yeah, put your hand there.
- Doris, please.
- Let me get my leg over.
Good. How's that feel?
How does that feel? Is it good?
Could you please refrain from
talking so much?
It's ruining my concentration.
- What am I, a chess problem?
- Just shut up!
Come on, Doris.
- What's the matter?
- Just a simple respect for tradition.
Anything you say, Mr. Sherman.
What's your last name?
Are you sure?
Sure I'm sure.
It's just that you asked me so suddenly.
Actually, I am in between names right now.
I tried Wadsworth for a while
But at the moment it's Waverly.
Why do you keep changing it?
It's important for an actress
to have a catchy name.
Something that the audience can
remember, and it sounds kind of classy.
Don't you think?
I think it's important
for an actress to have some talent.
- I got talent! Believe me.
- I didn't mean that.
I got plenty of talent.
Just cause I don't talk as good as you,
you think I'm dumb.
Doris, I am telling you, you are not dumb.
You're not just being polite.
Well, you're wrong.
Half the time, I don't even understand
what you're saying.
- All those big words, they really bug me.
- Doris, big words are not intrinsically...
You did it again. Hit me with another one.
- I don't know what that means.
- Why do you get angry?
Why do I get angry?
Suppose I said to you
I spent a lot of time stoobulating.
What would you think?
I would think
that shows you have imagination.
Yes, not anybody can make up a word
The fact that you get upset when
there are things you don't understand...
...just shows you have curiosity.
- That's a very great attribute.
- I really do like talking to you.
- Thank you.
...if we had a good conversation, say...
...once a day, I bet
I could learn a helluva lot.
I'm sure there are certain
aspects of life that I can learn from you.
You bet your ass.
- Doris, let me ask you something.
- How do you like Washington?
- Washington. Do you like it?
It's an exciting town,
being the seat of our government...
Washington. Doris Washington.
That's very nice.
Doris Washington, tell me something.
I can't help being curious about...
- No, never mind.
- What is it?
It's none of my business anyway.
I'll tell you if it's none of your business.
Ask me. What?
- You've been with many men, I suppose.
- None of your business.
- I understand.
- You understand what?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
Think a dumb thing like that upsets me?
What are you shrieking for?
I don't shriek.
I talk loud, but I don't shriek.
- It's not okay. Oh, Christ.
What do you have to go and ask me
a question like that for?
Let's forget the whole thing.
I was curious, that's all.
That's a pretty peculiar thing
to be curious about, isn't it?
How would you feel
if I asked you a question like that?
I certainly wouldn't get so defensive
Probably because the answer
wouldn't be very interesting.
You're making this very personal.
I am? Jesus, I'm sorry about that.
I didn't mean to ask you
a personal question.
After all, the question you asked me
"Tell me about the or guys
you slept with"!
- But Doris, in your case...
- In my case? I'm that special case. Right.
I didn't say anything about
But that's what you were thinking.
- Where are you going?
- None of your goddamn business.
- Is the truth that disturbing?
- Lf you're so concerned about truth...
...why don't you ask me
what you wanted to ask me?
- What is that, pray tell?
- I'll pray tell you what that is.
What you wanted to know
is how you stood up to the competition.
How you rated.
You wanted to know
if you passed the course. Right?
If you say so,
I didn't realize you were giving lessons.
- Ordinarily, I don't handle beginners.
- No, I imagine a pro like you wouldn't.
I know what your next question
would have been, too.
'Cause it's the same dumb question
that every trick asks.
Your next question would've been:
"Did you really like that?
"Did you actually get a thrill, and all that,
after the times you've done it?
"A piece of wood like you
really couldn't enjoy...
"...doing it with a honest, clean-living,
upright, hotshot citizen like me."
Why don't I know better?
How come I never learn.
I'm not going to be treated like a thing.
I am a real person.
I am a person named Doris Wilgus.
You can take your beady eyes
off me while I tell you something.
Last night I thought
something real nice was happening.
I mean, you really seemed to be
a nice guy and all.
I'll tell you, I fall in love all the time.
All the time, you hear?
So, it's no big deal.
But you were very nice there for a while.
You said some real swell things.
I guess it goes to prove
that you're a better actor than I am.
I mean actress.
You know more about that than I would...
...since most of your acting
has been done in bed.
After all, someone's gotta look like
they know what they're doin'.
Sorry I didn't measure up
to your high standards.
- Do I get graded on a scale of ten?
- Sure, if you accept fractions.
You know what you need?
You need the services
of a competent psychiatrist...
...who might, if he has unlimited time...
...be able to assemble the pieces
of your jumbled mind.
A technical term you picked up
in the theatrical profession.
Listen, Mr. Know-it-all...
I did my time on the couch.
- Lf a bed isn't handy.
- Very funny!
Anyway, that shrink was like you,
all talk and no action.
And you know what he said?
Doris, do what you want,
as long as it doesn't make you unhappy".
So, I did.
I didn't pay my bill.
Didn't make me unhappy,
but it sure made him mad as hell.
Why didn't you let him take it out in trade?
Give me $ please.
If you can manage it.
Just so I can get a cab somewhere.
- Where do I send it?
- Forget it.
If you were a millionaire,
I wouldn't forget it.
- You worked for it.
- Which is more than you did.
Put in a full day, maybe you can earn more.
I'll come back here.
Your friend Barney'll tell me.
Send it to Doubleday's, rd and th.
Is that where you work? At Doubleday's?
In a book store?
What are you, a clerk?
Get a load of that.
The big time writer is a book clerk.
Christ, that makes me happy.
- I'm glad something could satisfy you.
- Happy book selling.
Happy street walking,
Maybe I'll come into the store sometime...
...and look at the two-bit book peddler...
...who pretends to be a writer,
but never will be.
How would you know?
You have to learn to read.
I'll tell you how I know:
I know that you will never be a writer
no matter how hard you pretend...
...because the sun does not spit!
Davenport on a slant, he's to the the the yard line.It's now third and two. What a ball game!The quarterback calls the play.And time's running out.Completes to Harrison at the .It's a first down!And here they come. Hold on...Two elbows, and now the flag."Do you eat up the clockand play for the field goal..."...or go all outfor the winning touchdown?"That's what Jones is saying now.Now the clock's stoppedwith less than a minute remaining.Wolves trailing by .With a first down at the .
What do you mean by that, you stupid lug?
- I beg your pardon?
Maybe I'll just ask him for one dress.I can explain to him how I'm an actressand how it'd be good for his business...... for me to be wearing one of his dresses.And he'll give me one on credit.
- I wonder if you could tell me...
- Could you tell me what time...
What time does Cycle Sluts go on?
- Cycle Sluts!
- Yes, yes.
I want to see Cycle Sluts.Sluts now.
- I don't have one.
Do you want to rent one?
- Lf you'll let me put some money down...
- I didn't come down here to sell no dress.
I don't know what stunt you're pulling...
...but if you're looking for trouble,
that's what you'll find.
Relax, don't get so twitchy.
Where do you think you're going now?
I think I'm going to go in here for a second.
Okay, but I'll give you seconds
to get out of there.
I mean, it's getting late.
- I really got to get home, you know?
- Me, too.
You're a very neat person, aren't you?
I happen to believe a man's clothes
are his most valuable possession.
- Bring her in here.- No, no.- Yeah, to The Room.- No, not The Room.Don't try that, you dirty little slut.You want some of this?No, I beg of you.Hold her while I open the doorto The Room.No, please.You'll stay in thereuntil you learn some discipline.What are you doing?What's that for?What are you going to do with that?What's that thing?And what's that other thing?Where do you plan to put that?Wait a minute. Hold it! You can't do that!No, not with both of them.You can't, I tell you.You can't. Can you?Maybe you can.My God, you could!
- I've got something to tell you.
I don't know how you're going to take this,
but I mean...
- I think you got a right to know.
- Know what?
I just flushed your pants down the toilet.
We close in five minutes.
Can I help you find something?
Are you sure I can't help you?
We close in four minutes.
- I'm Eleanor.
- I see.
- Don't mean much to you?
- Not a great deal, no.
I don't think too much of you, either.
I mean, to be perfectly honest.
I don't even begin to figure
what she sees in you.
Eleanor, I certainly appreciate
I think you're a dump.
- A what?
- A dump.
- After how you treated her...
- Wait a minute.
After how I treated whom? Who is "her"?
I don't know any... Oh, Doris.
Now I get it. Doris.
Eleanor, you've got the wrong dump.
- That's what they all say.
- This time they're telling the truth.
You want Felix.
You're not Felix?
Downstairs. They said downstairs,
that Felix was up here.
Well, he is.
- That's Felix?
- Disappointing, isn't it?
- What, is he sleepin'?
- No, he's dead.
No. He passed away
about two weeks ago...
...but the folks here at the store were so
fond of him, that we all got together...
...and we decided to have him stuffed.
- Hell of a good job, don't you think?
- Cut the crap.
I think so.
- What have I done to deserve this?
- Not much, the way I heard it.
- I'm Eleanor.
- You're Eleanor.
- Barney, this is Eleanor.
- Don't touch me. I got a condition.
Where's Doris, Eleanor?
I got this message for you.
Doris does not want to see you again.
That's why I came instead.
She told me to tell you that
she doesn't want to talk to you again...
Even if you should see her on the streets...
...or in a store by accident,
including where she is right this minute...
...which is, having a ham sandwich...
...at Riker's, on the corner
of th Avenue and th Street.
Very good. You got it all out.
You ran all the way?
I was wondering...
- What were you going to say?
- No, you go ahead.
I was wondering
where you've been staying this past week.
Yeah? That's what I was going to ask you.
- Are you still at Barney's place?
- No, I've relocated temporarily.
I'm staying with my friend Eleanor.
She's got this place down on th Street.
She seems agreeable.
Doris, I have something to say to you
and it concerns both of us.
If it's not...
Who was that?
You got me.
- She said "hello" to you.
- No, she didn't. She said, "woo-woo".
Are total strangers in the habit
of saying "woo-woo" to you?
- Not until tonight.
- Now look, Doris.
- You really look lousy. You know?
- I do?
Yeah, like you haven't been sleeping.
- Actually, I haven't been sleeping too well.
- Have you tried hot baths?
Yes, I have.
I find hot baths too enervating.
I made you laugh. That's one for me.
Doris, I want you to try and understand
what I'm going to say.
- I have struggled years to establish...
- Is that how old you are, ?
Yes. I have tried to establish...
...the supremacy of the intellect
over the physical side of life.
You're telling me that you ran all the way
to Riker's just to tell me that?
- I didn't run all the way. I jogged.
- You could have sent me a letter.
- I didn't know your address.
- You could have given it to Eleanor.
I wanted to see you again.
- I wanted to apologize for the other night.
- No, that was all my fault.
I shouldn't have been so mad.
I got this terrible temper.
You were perfectly justified.
I had no right in asking certain questions...
Sure you did. You're a writer, aren't you?
I mean writers gotta find out stuff.
And if you don't ask questions
how are you going to assimilate?
I said, "If you don't ask questions
how are you going to assimilate?""Assimilate"?
You and Your Vocabulary.
- I got it at the corner apothecary.
- "The corner apothecary."
It's very impressive.
I try and learn... No, I try and assimilate
five new words a day.
In that way, I figure
soon I'll be able to talk as good as you.
- Wouldn't that be something?
- It would be wonderful.
It's always an advantage
to be able to express yourself clearly.
Lady, wanna go for a ride?
I think it would be good for me
as an actress, too.
- Don't you think, right?
- Yes, language...
Baby, what do you say?
Language is one of the primary tools
of the actor's art.
Get rid of the four-eyed freak
and we'll show you some action.
I could do a lot of things
that I couldn't do before because...
...I wasn't able
to express myself succinctly.
- You know?
- Yes. Remember that language is power.
I will. I'll remember that.
- Sweetheart, we got something for you.
- Would you excuse me for a moment?
Jump in here.
I beg your pardon, boys,
but you are intruding on my privacy.
Felix! Come on!
Jesus, you know,
people are so touchy these days.
You gotta watch every word.
- Doris, what is it about you?
- How do you mean?
- Is your life always so volatile?
...tile, here it is.
"Explosive. Filled with energy."
I guess so.
I guess it's because
I'm real temperamental.
It gets me in trouble,
like once, I had a fight with this guy...
...because he wouldn't pay me...
- Pay you?
It's not what you think.
- I grabbed him by his smock, and...
- "His smock"?
- Yeah. I was ready to give him this...
- Why was he wearing a smock?
He didn't want his suit messed up
laying on the floor.
- I want to tell you...
- Why was he on the floor?
To aim better. Anyway, I grabbed him...
Hold it! What was he aiming at?
At me, what do you think?
I'm trying to tell you.
- Doris, I'm getting very upset.
- Okay, all right.
Will you let go?
Jesus, you got strong hands
for a guy with thin wrists.
Now, start at the beginning
and go step by step.
- It's not that interesting.
- I'll be the judge of that.
This guy, you know,
some kind of businessman about...
... years old
with this big office on Madison Avenue...
...that's got this hallway
with a marble floor.
- Once in a while he'd give me $ ...
...to sit in a chair
at the other end of the hall.
- Just to sit in a chair?
- In my raincoat.
You just sat there
in a chair in your raincoat?
Yes, with my hands tied behind me.
I see. What was he doing?
He was in his end of the hall
on his hands and knees in his smock.
I'd just have to yell, "bombs away"
while he rolled hard-boiled eggs at me.
Say that again.
I said, "I had to yell, 'bombs away'
while he rolled hard-boiled eggs at me."
- He rolled eggs at you?
- Hard-boiled. I told you it wasn't much.
- Doris, that's disgusting.
Because it's... I can't find the word. It's...
Where are we anyway?
Where are we?
Who lives here?
What is this place? Whose place is this?
This is the house
of Mr. And Mrs. Weyderhaus.
They are the father and mother
of Miss Ann Weyderhaus.
Miss Weyderhaus is a concert pianist.
She is also my fiancée.
- You're getting married?
- We went to school together.
We decided we'd be married
as soon as I sold my first novel.
At the rate I'm going,
late in the next century.
Why do you say that?
Who am I to argue with every publisher
in New York?
- Felix, what do they know?
- Something I don't, apparently.
You're awful hot, you know that?
How do you feel?
- I think my hair is on fire.
- Come on, you gotta go to bed.
Felix is a bad boy.
Felix has to go to bed now.
- Don't talk weird. It scares me.
- Felix is a weird boy and he scares people.
Knock it off, will you.
You do this and I'll get your shoes.
I'll tell you the trouble with Felix.
Felix went to a good college,
and he took a lot of fine courses in...
and he learned a lot of long words.
But he didn't learn anything, repeat,
anything, about rolling hard-boiled eggs.
Will you shut up about that?
Felix is regressing.
He's forgotten how to do buttons.
- Lift your legs.
- Felix will now lift his legs.
- Is there a thermometer around here?
- In the bathroom.
Are the Weyderhauses rich?
This Miss Weyderhaus?
She looks partially attractive.
I mean, I can only see part of her face...
...but I guess she plays pretty good?
She's making debut
with Boston Symphony last night.
Is that where the family is?
How is she in bed?
I said, "How is she in bed?"
- That is none of your business.
- No good?
This may be hard for you to understand
but our relationship is not based on that.
What's it based on?
A mutual appreciation of certain things:
The Arts, literature.
- She doesn't even want to?
- Music is her whole life.
Where you going to honeymoon,
I don't want to talk about it.
They are very fine people,
They have a very sincere
and old-fashioned moral outlook.
- I know the type.
- I don't think you do.
- You're not normal.
- Just what do you mean by that?
Look. Ninety-four. You gotta go to bed.
My body hates me.
Come on. In you go.
- What are you going to do?
- Light a fire.
What happens if my temperature
keeps going down?
Don't worry, I'll get an ice pick.
- What does it mean?
What does what mean?
What did you think about
when he was rolling the eggs?
I thought about the $ I was going to get.
Same thing I thought about
when I did that coffin bit.
...I am horrified to ask, is the "coffin bit"?
See, I walk into this room
and turn the lights on...
...and there's this guy lying in a coffin,
Hands folded, face all made up,
total corpse time, see?
I walk over, he opens his eyes
and he says, "Good evening"...
...and I let out a scream and...
There's this other guy that wants me
to wrap him in cellophane and crinkle him.
Then there's one
that likes me to watch him through...
...a keyhole while he eats a cucumber.
Then there's this guy
who takes Polaroids...
...while I'm lying on a table, and this
parakeet is walking around on my back.
...you're a sexual Disneyland.
It takes all kinds.
- I'm going to LA.
I'm going to California.
I haven't been doing too good here,
That's where actresses should go,
'cause that's where all the work is.
Just like you gotta stay here
'cause you're a writer.
- What's that got to do with staying here?
- The city is what you write about, isn't it?
Like in your story Scream?
I remember how much you liked it.
No, I've been thinking about it.
I didn't get it at first, you know.
Like about the sun spitting morning.
But I can really see it now.
- You can?
- Yeah. Sure.
You see, the sun, like a big face...
...here it comes, here it comes...
...over the edge of the world...
...and it looks out...
...over the city and it goes...
See what I mean?
What'd you do that for?
I'm not sure.
Would you mind doing it again?
I wasn't ready the first time.
It doesn't buckle, it snaps.
...maybe you should take it easy.
Get your temperature up.
It's going up.
- I can feel it.
- But you're exhausted, remember?
Parts of me are wide awake.
This could be very dangerous.
A person as sick as you.
I'm going to stop any minute.
You do and I'll kill you.
Do you think she's pretty?
Miss Weyderhaus, the concert pianist.
- Does she have a nice body?
- She's very delicate.
Well, she's extremely fragile.
She got a sticker on her
that says, "This end up"?
You think I'm pretty?
I'm not really. I just make you think I am.
How do you do that?
It's a trick. It's hard to explain.
I don't understand.
It's kind of like acting, you know.
I mean, you gotta act pretty.
I'll show you what I mean. Watch this.
Now I look pretty, right?
Now watch this.
It's two completely different girls.
- You're putting me on.
- No, I'm not. It's fantastic.
- You're putting me on.
- No, I'm not. It's fantastic.
What are you doing?
I'm going to make you feel good.
I know what that is.
- It will put you in a very good mood.
- I don't want to be a party to this.
- Don't be such a tight ass.
- I am not a tight ass.
I merely believe there are certain limits.
- I'll make you a deal.
- Absolutely not.
A couple of hits on this...
...and I will...
- Of course, you're not interested.
- Gimme that.
This is to demonstrate
that I have a certain freedom of choice...
...that I am not a square person...
...and I am, if I wish to be, perfectly hep.
I'm hip, you're hep.
How come you and Miss Weyderhaus
don't mess around?
I told you.
How come you and Miss Weyderhaus
don't mess around?
I told you.
Because she's fragile...
...because she's fragile, right?
- She's worried about her hands.
- She doesn't want to hurt her hands.
- She could wear boxing gloves.
They're beautiful, her hands.
She oils them.
She oils them?
Like the tin woodsman?
Exactly. To keep them supple.
She's an extraordinary human being.
She sounds like a drag.
Yes, she does.
Is that a door?
I think that was a door.
Did somebody come in?
- Unless one of us went out.
That is a definite person.
- Felix are you there?
- You are about to meet Mrs. Weyderhaus.
- Mother, is Felix here?
- Miss Weyderhaus.
- His clothes are all around here.
Couldn't we put it off for a while?
Anyone in there?
They're very understanding.
Just be yourself.
- I haven't much choice.
- Hello, anybody there?
Mrs. Weyderhaus, this is Doris Wellington,
a friend of mine.
Hi, Mrs. Weyderhaus.
- Mother, my bed is broken...
- And Ann Weyderhaus...
...I'd like you to meet Doris Washington.
Hello, Miss Weyderhaus.
I've heard so much about you from...
- What's going on?
- What's up in there?
- Mr. Weyderhaus...
...allow me to...
- What are you doing?
That's "bombs away"!
That's the guy with the smock.
You know, with the hard boiled eggs.
Where are you rushing?
Jesus, you walk so fast.
- Where do you think you're going?
- I don't know.
- Stop following me.
- I'm not following you.
I happen to be going in the same direction
you are, but you're going faster than I am.
Doris, I want to be alone now.
Will you please let me
explain something to you?
What is it?
You're depressed now because
you're not used to smoking grass.
You got very high
and you've come down real hard.
That can be very depressing.
The first time I got stoned I came down
and didn't feel like a human being.
I felt like a cockroach or something.
- Yeah like a Kafka.
You just never know what's gonna happen.
You gotta be careful.
I'll be careful from now on.
I'm going to be extra careful
not to become involved in anybody's life.
It's not good for them
and it's not good for me.
- What about last night?
- What about last night?
- We made love. Wasn't that good?
- You've got your terminology confused.
- That was not making love.
- It beat the hell out of drying the dishes.
What we did was to get a fast thrill.
One time is a fast thrill.
Six times is making love.
You want to know what we did?
Come on, I'll show you what we did.
- What? Felix!
- I'll show you something.
Look over there.
That's what we did.
With just as little sense or purpose.
- Maybe that's what you and I are about.
- Maybe that's what we're good for.
Being each other's pets.
Would you enjoy that?
People love their pets.
You want to be my pet, Doris?
You could wear a nice collar
and sleep in a corner in a box.
I'd lock you in the bathroom at night.
No running around the neighborhood.
- I don't understand what you're saying.
- I could wash you, and bathe you...
...but we've already done that.
- I could teach you tricks.
You could learn to sit up,
play dead, roll over.
- You're scaring me.
- What about retrieving?
Retrieving is an easy one.
- Come on.
- Stop it!
- There's a stick.
- Stop it.
Stick. There's the stick. Okay, fetch.
Go ahead, fetch.
That's too tough, huh?
- Give me your paw.
- I don't know what you want from me.
I want you to be a good little girl
and give Daddy your paw.
- Don't forget, I assimilated "impeccable."
- That was a good trick.
I'm trying to teach you another one.
If you can't learn it from me
I'll send you to obedient school.
- Now, give me your paw.
- Why are you doing this?
Pets don't ask questions, they do
as they're told, or they are given away.
Is that what you want?
To give you away to some poor family
who'll beat you?
Now just don't stand there
like a human being, give me your paw.
- Lf I do, will you quit acting like this?
- We make no deals with pets here.
I'm warning you, this is your last chance.
Give me your paw.
My name is not Felix.
What did you say? I didn't hear you.
My name is not Felix.
I don't getcha.
My name is Fred.
The person you are staring at
is named Fred Sherman.
Not Felix. Fred. Short for Frederick.
Just like Washington, Wellington,
Wadsworth and Waverly.
Felix is just one more pompous,
...one more hopeless pretense.
"F" is for Fred.
It also stands for "fake"...
...and "fraud" and...
that's what it really stands for.
The good old American failure story.
- Fred, goddamn it!
Gimme a chance, will you?
I'm used to Felix.
I can't just assimilate Fred suddenly.
Stop using words that aren't indigenous
to your background.
Stop using words I don't understand.
Then maybe I'll understand
what I'm not supposed to understand.
Where're you going?
What did you do that for?
It was either him or me.
What are you talking about?
That was your typewriter!
The son of a bitch was trying to kill me.
Who was? What are you talking about?
Will somebody please tell me
what he's talking about.
- Don't turn around.
Just stand there.
Stand there and count to . Understand?
- Do what I say.
- Just keep counting.
Now, listen very carefully.
My name is Fred.
What's your name?
- Doris what?
I'm sorry. I didn't hear that.
Let me ask you again.
What is your name?
What a nice name. It's very real.
Yeah, it's that all right.
I work in a book store. I'm a clerk.
Actually, I'm in line
for the assistant managership.
- No kidding?
- I work nights and...
...I thought I'd spend my day
looking for an apartment.
- I don't live anyplace, either.
- Really? What do you do?
I'm a model and an actress.
I was formally a hooker.
Also, I was in two television commercials.
I thought you looked familiar.
I'm very pleased to actually meet you,
Very nice to meet you, Fred.
...there was only one commercial.
You still love me?
Who knows, we might even find a place
with a television set.
- I never watch television.
Yeah, it's too goddamn enervating.