The Pacifier Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Pacifier script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Vin Diesel.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Pacifier. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Pacifier Script



[military drums play]






Here's our man.

Professor Howard Plummer.



He's been kidnapped

by a group of Serbian rebels.



I know we've been up for 72

hours, but I expect perfection.



Nothing else.






The enemy has a boat,

four jet skis, and a chopper.



I'll take you guys in

until we hit radar range.



Then you'll dive from there.



Once we hit our target,



Red One, Red Two,

you take out our escorts.



I'll handle the chopper,

and I'll find the professor.



Red Three, you radio in

for our copter.



- Do you copy?

- Sir, yes sir!



- Do you copy?

- [SEALS] Sir, yes sir!



We are SEALS.

And this is what we do.



[all grunting, yelling]



[engine shutting down]



[yelling in Serbian]






- Ah!

- [grunting]



[over radio] Red Two, handle the boat.



I'll take care of the bozos

on the jet ski.



- [grunting]

- [straining]



- [grunting]

- [groaning]









[man straining]









Lieutenant Shane Wolfe,

U.S. Navy.



- Where is the briefcase?

- [grunting]



It's right behind you.

Man, am I glad to see you.



- I never thought I'd see my family...

- I'll get you out.



We're gonna do it my way.

No highway option.



Yeah, I'm with you. Absolutely.



Lieutenant, thank you so much

for saving my life.



If I had died back there,

my wife, she would've killed me.



Just a joke.



Do you mind if I call my wife

to tell her I'm okay?



I have strict orders

to get you out of here safely.



We gotta keep moving.



Lieutenant, I am safe.

Please. She thinks I'm dead.



- All right, make it quick.

- Okay.



- Zoe, Seth, Lulu, Peter, Tyler.

- [beeping]



It's voice activated.



[chuckles] Hey.



These are my kids.



You'd like 'em.

They're really great.



I doubt it. Hurry up.



Hey! We're almost ready.



Give us another sec.



- Professor!

- [gunshots]






The doctor says you've

healed up real good, Shane.



I should've been

out of here weeks ago.



Look, I know heads

are gonna roll for this.



Hey, you took a bullet.



Yeah, but I want you to know

I take full responsibility



for what happened

to the professor.



Plummer was the best

security expert



the Department of Defense

ever had.



He was working on a program to scramble

launch codes that he called "GHOST":



Guided High-altitude

Scrambling Transmitter.



One pulse from a GHOST satellite



and a country can't launch

its own nukes.



That's why the Serbians

kidnapped him.



They must have thought that

GHOST was in that briefcase.



GHOST is still out there.



Which is why I'm sending you

back in.



I know you've never lost anybody

before, Shane.



I was with your father

when he led a platoon...



With all due respect,



I'd appreciate it if we kept

my father out of this.



All I'm saying is that it

happens to the best of them.



And you're the best.



I need someone I can trust on this



- and I know I can trust you.

- Okay.



I'll put a team together.



No. It's not

that kind of mission.



This is at the top of the Pentagon's

priority list.



[man] Two days ago,

I got a call from Admiral Blair.



It seems that the professor's widow

contacted him.



Whoever killed her husband



must think that GHOST

is still in that house.



Now, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.



A safety deposit box has been discovered

in Zurich in the Plummers' name.



I've been assigned to escort Mrs.

Plummer there to retrieve the contents.



We're hoping it's the GHOSTprogram.



In the meantime, someone

needs to watch over those kids.



That's where you come in.



While there, you'll be looking

for the hidden program as well.















You must be Lieutenant Wolfe!

Admiral Blair said you'd be coming.



Come on in.

Meet the rest of the gang.



Come on.



Kids! Get your butts

down here and say hello!



Okay, you've already met Lulu.

This is Zoe, Seth and Peter.



Kids, this is Lieutenant Wolfe.



He's gonna stay with you

while I'm away.



- [kids] Hi.

- Hi.



- Oh! This is Helga and Tyler.

- [baby cooing]



Ma'am. Baby.



- That's a pretty dress.

- [Romanian accent] Thank you.



I have date

with butcher tonight.



I want to look nice.



[gasping] Ah!



[speaking Romanian]






You have a pleasant family.



Well, for the younger ones,



I think it hasn't really

sunk in yet.



It's been hardest

on Zoe and Seth.



But they don't really

like to talk about it.



Well, it must be hard

on all of you.



[Mrs. Plummer]

Howard wasn't around much.



His work took him

all over the world.



He'd be gone six,

seven months at a time.



Yeah, I can understand

that lifestyle.



Anyway, about a week ago,



someone broke into the house.

No one was home.



I didn't tell the kids 'cause

I didn't wanna scare them.



Mrs. Plummer, I've dealt with...



- Ow! Oh, my God!

- [quacking]



I'm sorry. That's Gary.

He was Howard's.



Gary, down!



He bit me.



Yeah, well,

he thinks he's a guard dog.



- Mrs. Plummer?

- Oh, call me Julie. Please.



I'm gonna go outside

and have a look around.



Out, out.



I'm gonna miss you.




I'm gonna miss you too.



I'll be back in    hours, okay?



Bye, pumpkin.

I love you, pumpkin.



Oh, and kids? Remember,



whatever Lieutenant Wolfe

asks you to do, do it.



Mom, chill.

We're gonna be fine.



I'm sorry.

I don't do this very often.



You're going away for a few days.



Yeah, I know.



I got it.



Okay. Here you go, Helga.



- I take baby.

- Bye. Bye.



- It's okay.

- [baby cries]



You remember

the emergency numbers, right?



Don't worry, Mrs. Plummer,

your kids'll be safe with me.



Your little angels will be fine,

Mrs. Plummer.



- Go.

- [engine turns]



- [Helga] Bye-bye.

- Bye.



[Helga] Have some fun.



[chuckles] Bye-bye.



Tell me,

are you licensed to kill?



No, ma'am.



Too bad.

It could have come in handy.



[baby crying]



- [gunshots]

- [Lulu] Ah!



[man] Prepare to be annihilated.



[Lulu] Please!



[Zoe] Oh, my God! Shut up!



[man] Prepare to be annihilated.



- [gunshots]

- [crashing]






- Where's the baby?

- [Zoe] Tell me. Come on.



[Zoe laughing] No!



Shut up! No, she didn't.



- Shut up! Shut your mouth!

- [quacking]



[Zoe] Oh, my God. Tell me!



Is there anyone here

that understands



the meaning of the word




Hey, Flipper. You don't like it?

Do something. I make bottle.



- [gasps]

- [crying]



Thank you, Peter.









- Yes!

- [beeping stops]



- Ow!

- Gotcha!



- Ah!

- [grunting]



[sirens blaring]



What's your problem?

Get off me!



[Zoe] Oh, my God!



What are you doing, you spaz?

That's my boyfriend!



So you're the one breaking in!



- Go back inside!

- No!



[woman speaking Korean]



[speaking Korean]



We speak English, buddy.



Look, about the sirens

and the strobe lights.



We own a bakery, so we're up

kind of early. Would you mind?






[sirens stop]



Oh, and we found this

in our pool filter.



Keep that zoo reined in,

huh, babysitter?






Yo, fool, handle me like that again

and I'll lay knuckles upside your head!



Okay! Enough is enough!

Come on, Scott, let's go!



- Come on.

- No, you don't.



Get back here.

Give me   .



I meant push-ups!



- Zoe?

- Drop down! Do   !



- This is not the Army or Navy!

- [Wolfe] One...



Real nice move, Lt. Smooth.



He'll probably never speak to me!



- Then I did you a favor.

- Whoa!



Personal bubble invasion.



Your mother was worried sick

about you!



You should call here and tell her.



I'm sure you'll take care of that

for me.



Stay out of my life!









Wait! You can't do this!



I have plans!

It's Saturday night! Ow!



Not anymore.



- You too. Lights out.

- [scoffs] Bite me.



Boy, this family's in

for a rude awakening.



  Don't make a move

till you're in the groove



  And do the Peter Panda dance



  Just hop three times

like a kangaroo



  Side-step twice

just like those crabs do



  Three steps forward

One step back



  Then quick like a turtle

Lie on your back



  Roll like a log

till you can't no more...



[birds chirping]



[whistle blowing]






What are you doing?



You're burning daylight! Move!



It's Sunday.



And it's  am!

You're insane!



- Listen up!

- [Helga chattering]



Your behavior is unacceptable.



In order to maintain

a state of safety,



we need to maintain

a state of order.



[Helga] One more little bite?



We going to be strong mine

worker when we grow up.



Excuse me.



Excuse me!



Now, I've only got one rule.



Everything is done my way.

No highway option.



- Do you copy?

- Do you copy?



What? I said, "Do you copy?"



What? I said, "Do you copy?"



- Do not copy me.

- Do not copy me.



Hey, I mean it.

Cut it out!



Hey, I mean it.

Cut it out!



- Uh...

- [Gary quacking]



- [Peter farts]

- [quacking]



- Peter farted.

- [kids groaning]



- [Zoe] Oh, that is so gross.

- [Wolfe] Quiet!



Everybody up.

That means you too.



Tracking devices,

never take them off.



The panic button

is for emergencies only.



Touch that,

you'd better be dying.



- [beeps]

- Or you're dead.



I would rather chew off my arm

than wear that.



Just because my mom is paranoid doesn't

mean we have to take orders from you.



Let me explain how

the chain of command works.



I tell you what to do

and you do it!



End of chain.



I'm not gonna have time

to remember all of your names.



You'll be Red Leader.

Red Baby. Red One. Red.



Where's the older male?

There were five.



He walks like Dracula



with footsteps

silent like death.



[Zoe] He's in his room.



Red Two!



Red Two, open up!



Red Two!



[toilet flushing]



What have you done?



What? I thought...



Is this what you're

trained to do?



A "shock and awe" on my door?



I can fix that

with a hammer and some nails.



- It's real easy to fix.

- No, it's not! Look!



It's broken in half!

You can't fix that!



If you'd been wearing this,

this wouldn't have happened.



What are you talking about?

I was in the bathroom!



You know I would never

ask you for your help...



...but he has got to go.






[Lulu] Somebody help me, please!



- Help me, somebody!

- [moaning]



- Stop it, Peter! This is nuts!

- Peter, cut this out.



Hey, good soldiers

aren't scared of anything.



I'm not scared. I'm annoyed.



Ever since he heard Daddy say

there was a ghost in the house,



he puts on that blanket and chases me

everywhere. It drives me crazy.



Peter, have you seen this ghost?



All right, here he comes.



Hey! You leave towel

on floor in bathroom.



I pick up after kids,

not you.



And light a match next time.



[gasping] Oh!









[French accent]

Good news.



Your background checks

have cleared,



and we are free

to give you the box.



- Oh.

- Excellent.



Just as soon as you

provide us with the passwords.






It was your husband's wish



that the person who collects the box



must provide us

with the passwords.






- Is it "The GHOST?"

- Ghost.



Mmm... No.



- [door slamming]

- [grumbling]



These brats! Sugi pula!



I had it!



- Remain calm.

- I am calm.



I quit!

That makes me calm.



Let's not be hasty about this.






[Mrs. Miller] Hello? Hello?



- Don't even think about it!

- [Mrs. Miller] Lt. Wolfe?



It's Julie Plummer.



- Who's this?

- Julie Plummer.



- What's that?

- Julie Plummer!



- [grunting]

- Ah!



- Oh, Mrs. Plummer.

- Did something fall?



- What was that noise?

- Nothing. Everything's okay!



You'll be happy to know that I found

the culprit that's been sneaking around!



- Great. Who was it?

- Just some teenager.



Teenager? I wanted to tell you

I'm gonna be a few more days.



- You'll be a few more days?

- [screaming]



- Yes, is that a problem?

- No, that's no problem!



[straining] No, I'm fine.

I'm just... I'm just doing my...



- [grunts]

- Your what?



- Duty.

- Sure everything's okay?



Things are great,

Mrs. Plummer.



Yeah, you just do

whatever you have to.



- Well, tell the kids I said...

- Bye, Mrs. Plummer!



[Wolfe] Just hang...

Let's calm down.



[both panting]



Just... just try to relax.



- [growling]

- [groaning] Ah!



- Ah! She bit me!

- [Helga grunting]



- [sirens blaring]

- Red Leader!



I command you to come back here!

That's a direct order!



You can't leave a man behind!



Red Leader!



Red Leader!



I don't even know

how to change a diaper!



[woman] Don't worry!



If she loves you,

she'll come back, huh?



[bells ringing]



Okay, everybody, listen up.

There's been a change of plans.



Your mother's not coming home

as soon as she expected.



- When is she coming back?

- [Wolfe] Soon.



For now,

we'll just have some more big fun.



That's what we've been doing?

Having fun?



- Tomorrow's a school day.

- [Seth] I have wrestling.



I need a release for Driver's Ed.



I've got Fireflies.



I have to go to the mall.



I have to stop her

from spending so much.



Whoa, okay, Halt. Halt!



We'll take this hill

one inch at a time.



Only then can we rise

to the challenge.



[Peter farts]



[Wolfe] Okay,

who's gonna change Red Baby?









God! Red Baby!



- Alrighty. We'll try this.

- [toilet flushing]



Yes. Whoa.



Ooh. Soak that up a bit.



Hi. Zoe says you look

like The Hulk.



I think you're cute.



Thank you.



- Do you do kung fu?

- Yes.



Did you ever punch someone

so hard that their head came off?






Why are your boobs so big?



They're not boobs.



Do you have to wear a bra?



Will my boobs

get as big as yours someday?



You know, little girl,



I think it's time you went

nappy-poo in beddy-bye land.



Do I look like I'm five to you?



What did I say?



Disrespectful. And to think

I was interested in you!



[door slams]



[Wolfe] Okay, troops! Breakfast!



What are you waiting for?

Dig in.



Feel free to mix and match.



Stay away from the cheese.

It'll back you up.



Don't worry about running out.

I can get lots more of these.



I've survived months

off this stuff.



Okay, like, I'm really gonna eat

all of these carbs?



[gary quacking]



I can cross my eyes.

Wanna see?









Tyler hates it when I do that.



I know how he feels.



What's he...? Red Four!



[Tyler crying]






- Plummer residence.

- [man muffled over phone]



Yes, I know it's Monday today.



No, Mrs. Plummer's away.



Yes, we'll be right there.



Who was that?



Your vice principal.



He said that if you and Seth

are late again,



you're both suspended.



He wants to see you

in his office right away.






What is it?



- It's a minivan.

- Ugh.



[Wolfe] Now,

is this supposed to...?



- How do we...?

- Excuse me, Mr. Wolfe?



If you don't hurry up,

we're gonna be late for sure.



Not on my watch.



- Hold that.

- How fast is your watch?



You'll be suspended for sure.






- [Seth] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- [Zoe] Oh, my God!



Who drives like this?

You're crazy!



- [bell ringing]

- [kids chattering]



[Seth] What are you doing?




[footsteps approaching]



- [bell ringing]

- Got 'em here.



My fault.



Yeah, I always said these kids

needed a parole officer.



I guess, uh, Mrs. Plummer

thought so too, huh?



Wow, you got a real, uh,

upper torso going on, huh?



You ever, uh, do any time?



- [low] Sasquatch.

- [Zoe giggles]



- You got something to say, boy?

- No.



No? Good.



Wow, it looks like you

have a pair of legs



coming out of your shoulders.



- You hit the gym a lot, do you?

- Eh.



- [low] Woolly Mammoth.

- You know what, Creeper?



You just bought yourself

an extra    minutes on the mats.



With the Murninator!



Excuse me.

Lieutenant Shane Wolfe.



I'm watching the kids

for the Plummers. A few days.



Oh, babysitter, huh?



Well, good.

Whatever job you can get, right?



I'm Murney.

Duane Murney.



My friends call me

"Little Puppet."



I'm the VP here.



I'm in charge of discipline,

conduct and truancy



from top to bottom,

K through   .



You're in my house now,

strong man.



- You're the vice principal.

- And the wrestling coach.



See the Creeper over there?



He has played hooky from every

wrestling practice this month.



And her, she has missed

   Driver's Ed classes.



Out of   !



These are the worst students

in my school.



- I'm ashamed...

- [woman] Your school?



Good morning, kids.



[clears throat] Mr. Murney,

thanks for watching my chair.



- I'll take it from here.

- [Murney] Roger. Absolutely.



I was just informing

our new friend here



about some of the duties

as vice principal.



Speaking of which, how's it

going with the investigation



into the baloney slices

on the cafeteria ceiling?



- Taking some interesting turns.

- Keep up the good work.



Right. I'll be on the roof.



Bye, now.



All right, it's time

to get back to class.



I'll cut you some slack seeing as

it's Lt. Wolfe's first day. Thank you.






- Can I get you some coffee?

- Yes, please.



So, what's with this Murninator?



He's big, he's hairy,

he's sometimes smelly,



but he's harmless

and he has tenure.



[sighs] So, you're the bodyguard?



Mrs. Plummer thought the kids...



She briefed me on everything

and she told me that the kids



aren't fully aware of the situation



and that's the way she wants it.



She also told me

you're a "Teams" guy.



- Yes, I am.

- Well, Petty Officer Third Class



- Claire Fletcher at your service.

- You're kidding.



Four years at Naval Base

Coronado. They paid for college.



- Honor, courage.

- Commitment.



It's the way I run this school.



I like that.



So, permission to stick around

and keep eyes on the kids?



Permission granted.



[kids chattering]



[girls] We don't need no music

We don't need no band



All we need is Mustangs

and jammin' in the stands



We said jammin' in the stands




Jammin' in the stands



What? J-A-M-M-l-N

Jammin' in the stands



- Go, Mustangs! Whoo!

- [beeping]



[Wolfe] "Black belt.

Honorable discharge."



Clean as a whistle.






- Yeah, you little punk!

- Where's your babysitter now?






- Enough.

- All right, you heard the lady.



Let's break it up, guys.

Come on. Hmm?



Relax, Popeye.

Boys will be boys, huh?



It's kinda good for the Creeper.

Gives him a chance to punk up.



- Learn to defend himself.

- Six against one?



Well, the odds are never pretty.



But look at it as, like,

a preparation for him.



The naked streets of Bethesda



can be so dark and dangerous.



- Right, Creeper?

- Ooh. Whoa.



You're pretty quick there, frogman.



I, myself,

happen to be a black belt.



That's why they wanted me

to coach the wrestling team.



Ooh-ah! [snorts]



Sensei. [neck cracks]



You know what that's called, homeboy?



Total control.



You all right? Hmm?



Maybe sometime you can pop by

the wrestling class



and, uh, we'll show the boys

how a couple pros do it.



What do you think?

I'll go easy on you.



- I'm on duty.

- You're on duty.



Oh, that's right,

you're a babysitter.



So it's kinda like "doo-doo" duty.






Don't worry about it.



We'll do it on a day when you're

not, uh, washing your hair. Hmm?



And I'll see you in class.



At ease.



That guy don't have his head on right.



I was fine!

I don't need your help!



Okay, okay.



- Aw. Hey, rough day?

- I tried feeding him.



Yeah? Did you try changing him?



- Would you help me?

- No.



- Just the thought of...

- [beeping]



- Emergency.

- What are you...? I... Hey!






[girl] What's up with him?



- [honking]

- [screeching]



- [honking]

- [screeching]






Where are you going?



[man] Hey!

What's wrong with you?



[beeping continues]



[door slams]



[all gasping]






I should go, okay?



Call me, you guys,

if you need anything.



My number's on the fridge.



Are you okay?



- Oh... Wow.

- [flies buzzing]



Is there anything I can do?



- I'm okay.

- Okay.



- Can I get you anything?

- I'm fine.



I mean, they're just kids,

you know.



Call me if you need anything.




After you shower.

Or, before. It doesn't matter.



I'll see you guys.



- [gagging]

- [door shuts]



Very funny.

Thank you for the letter.






[Lulu] Guys, be quiet.

I told you he had boobs.



Lulu, can I see you

in the family room?



Who are those people?



My troop. Monday, Wednesday

and Saturday are troop nights.



- Get rid of 'em.

- I can't.



Parents go out on troop nights.

They'll be back at  :  .



Mom's our den mother!



You better tell your little

friends that they have to...



- Today we're supposed to sell cookies.

- I don't do cookies.



We have to. If we don't

sell enough cookies,



we can't go

to the Jamboree.



They're waving at me.



All right, ladies!

Here's how it's gonna be!



Tonight I'm your den mother.



That means if you want

to live to see tomorrow,



you do exactly as I say!



Do we understand each other?



Den mother,

you frighten me.






Now, let's move out!



- I call the front!

- Middle back!



Fine, I'll get the back.



[Zoe] Yeah, he's kind

of a dork, but he's okay.



- [Julie on phone] How's Helga?

- Helga's fine.



- When are you getting home?

- I'm sorry...



Look, Mom, I'd love to stay and chat

all day, but I have homework to do.



[cash register beeping]



Oh, no!

They're back!



Hey, Skeever, what glows

in the dark till you squish 'em?






[boys laughing]



Please. Leave us alone.



This is troop    territory.



How are we supposed

to sell raffle tickets



if this place reeks

of your skanky cookies?



Hey! Hey!



- Boo!

- [girls screaming]



[boys laughing]



[boys] Get outta here!



- These cookies taste disgusting.

- I know.



- We really scared these guys.

- Where are my troops?






Lulu, what happened?



Those boys over there

broke our cookies.



Broke your cookies.



- Mm-hm.

- Lulu, this is not a toy.



Forget those boys. I am here

to protect you, not cookies.






Good, now get in the car.

We're all going home.



Wait. You can't take us home yet.

You're supposed to take us to eat.



Where do you usually go?



Welcome to Woody Woodchuck's!



[children yelling, playing]



[woman] Let go!



And they say war is hell.



  Whenever we go out

The people always shout



  There goes Shane Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt



  Dah dah dah dah dah



  Shane Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt



  His name is my name too  



- [tires screech]

- [girls scream]



Ah! I figured you'd

come back for him.



Lulu, watch your brother.




- I've never left a man behind.

- Oh, relax.



Once we found a kid in the ball pool

when we opened in the morning.



Whoa! Whoa!



Not cool! Uh, there is no

freestyling in the ball pool!






Should we send

someone in after him?






We're good.



- [hip-hop music plays]

- [yelling]



[Lulu] Holy baloney.



Ooh! Someone's gonna get busted!



- Who are these people?

- What's wrong with this?



- We need to talk.

- Don't hate the player, hate the game.



[air squealing]



Beat it.



[music stops]



Party's over!



Oh, my God, it's here.



You're all gonna clean

this house spotless.



No highway option.

Now, get cleaning.



- I'm outta here!

- [Zoe] Wait! Scott!



[Scott] Move! Later!






Oh, no, you don't.



This is my favorite shirt.



Thank you.



Come on, Seth! You've

been in there for an hour!






Thanks a lot, Lt. Loser! Now

I'm gonna be the school joke.



I don't know what

I'll say to my friends.



You call those people

your friends?



They have no respect for you.

They have no respect for your home.



You have no respect

for yourself!



I do, too, respect myself!



Company downstairs.

That means you too.



You're not my dad.



In case you

haven't noticed,



this family is going through

a really hard time



and you're just making

everything a lot worse.



You have no feelings.



We hate you

and you hate us.



So why don't you

just leave us alone?



Don't worry. When your

mom comes back, I'm gone.






- Now what?

- Scott.



Run! Take the babies!

Go to your rooms!



[karate yells]






Shane! Come over here!

Take one of these!






- Get inside. Come on.

- Hey! Hey! Wait!






Don't move.









[grunting, groaning]






Kids, it's safe!



- Who was that? What'd they want?

- What happened?



- Don't leave us!

- [Seth] What do they want?



They were after the program

that your father invented.



They were after this.



All right, all right, come on,

guys. Let's hope this is it.



-  - -   - - - - .

-  - - ...



 - - - - .



They want our

Ghost movie?



Haven't they heard

of Blockbuster?



- Tell her Rita Miller.

- Rita Miller.



So there really are people

out there to get us?



Yes, there are, Zoe.

That's why I'm here.



I think we're gonna need

a little more cooperation.



From now on,

you listen to me...



...and I'll listen to you too.






- Relax. Relax.

- I'm relaxed.



- If you just relax...

- I'm relaxed! I'm relaxed!



You've got to relax!

Please, it's on the...



Okay. I'm not

feeling well, here.



- Oh, my God! There's a bee!

- There's no bee!



- There's a bee!

- There's no bee! Stop! Please!






Okay, so she wrecked the car.

The insurance will pay for it.



They were parallel parking.

The instructor jumped.



But it's not about her.

It's about the boy.



Has he been

skipping class again?



Skipping class? He always

skips sixth period, but...



All right. Seth!



Okay, take off the hat.



Go ahead.



Look at that.

That's how he showed up for practice.



I was doing a little recon in

his locker and I found this.






[Murney] If it was a girlie

magazine or a hamster, fine.



Boys will be boys.

But this is sick.



All right. He dyed his hair.

He's not a Nazi.



This is not normal.

We're very concerned.



[bell rings]



Why don't you get back to class?



Mr. Murney, would you

give me a minute?



Look, I'm sure this

is about their father.



We've tried to get Seth and Zoe to talk

to the psychologist, but they won't.



Maybe you can get through to them?

See what's going on?



I'll talk to them

and see what I can do.






[Wolfe] Seth, I don't understand

unless you explain it to me.



Why would you join wrestling

if you hate it?



Because my father

wanted me to!



Look, I know you're

just trying to help, but don't!



I can take care of myself.



Refrigerator magnet.



Smart kid.



Red One!



You're in charge. Anyone gets within

   clicks of the perimeter, signal me.



Keep all doors sealed, do

your homework, preheat the oven



and don't let Lulu

in the cookie jar.



- [boy   ] Everything's ready?

- [boy   ] Yeah.



[boy   ] Come on.



All right. All my Nazis

are finally here.



I want all of you

at attention!



Okay, let's start

where we left off yesterday.



[piano plays]



  You are    going on   



  Baby, it's time to think



  Better beware

Be canny and careful



  Baby, you're on the brink



  You are    going on   



  Fellows will fall in line



[clears throat]









We open in a week, people.

The set isn't finished.



Mother Abbess just quit

because she got shingles!



And every step-ball change would

make Bob Fosse rise from the grave



just so he could have

a heart attack again!



- I'm really sorry. I'll get it right.

- No, you won't, Seth.



You and your mother

over here can't get it right.



And I know this

because I am a professional.



I directed Show Boat

with Greg Brady.



It wasn't union,

but it was good.



Obviously, I quit!



Exeunt stage right!



Seriously, Seth, if you drop me

again, I'm going to kill you.



- Hi.

- Are you okay?



I'm fine.



Come on.



I'm not gonna quit!



- I don't expect you to understand...

- Hey...



I may not understand a whole

hell of a lot about this kinda stuff,



but I definitely

understand not quitting.



And from what I see,

you're pretty good.



A little discipline,

you could make a go of this.



- But what about Murney?

- He's an all-talk spaz.



So, The Sound of Music?



- I saw it when I was a kid.

- Really?



The idea of a nun ditching her

habit for a guy in the military.



Nothing wrong with that.



Do you think girls

will think I'm weird?



They probably already do, Seth.



But you'll kill 'em later.



Come here.



Forget about everyone else

for a second.



Is performing

what makes you happy?




more than anything.



All right, fall in.



Company. Center stage.



Company! Center stage!



Who is this guy?



Now, do you or do you not have

what it takes to perform this musical?



- We don't have a director.

- I've directed rescue missions



all around the world.



I've directed numerous




from countries whose names

you are not allowed to know.



I've choreographed

multi-pronged amphibious landings



and stealth air attacks!



Do you think I have

the military proficiency...


            direct this production?






- Yes, what?

- [all] Yes, sir!



[Wolfe] Once upon a time,

there was a family...



[Wolfe] Once upon a time,

there was a family...



...of elves.



And one day the little elf family



went into the magic forest



to find a secret...









where the gnomes were

turning mushrooms into uranium.



So three elves laid down heavy

suppressive fire on the gnomes



while the others maneuvered

around to the right flank,



finishing off anything left alive.






And not one of those elves

were left behind that day.



We got 'em all.



Even the teeniest...



...littlest elf of all...






You're gonna have to do

the Panda dance or he won't stop.



- Oh, come on...

- [baby crying]



I don't know how to do

the Panda dance.



I'll write it down for you.



Close your eyes. Go to sleep.

I'll be right back.



You gotta do the dance.



Like Dad used to do.

He made it up for him.



[Seth] You have to do the dance

to make him sleep.



Come on.



  When you're down and low

Lower than the floor



  And you think that you

ain't got a chance, bum, bum



  Don't make a move

till you're in the groove



- Lulu.

- Thank you.






Zoe. Uh!



Today you drive.



But I can't even

pass Driver's Ed.






We're all gonna die.



Have you ever given

a driving lesson before?



In a minivan? No.



Think of it like

a Bradley Assault Vehicle.



Especially when Zoe's driving.



- [gasps]

- [tires screeching]



- [Lulu] Zoe Plummer!

- [Seth] Zoe, what are you doing?



- [Seth] What are...? Slow down!

- [Lulu] Truck!






- [Wolfe] Whoa! Whoa!

- [tires screeching]



- [Lulu] Whoa!

- [Wolfe] Not bad.



Land! Solid land!



- I think it went well.

- Oh, it's so dramatic.



Hey, hey, hey. No fighting.



- Play nicely.

- [boy] Sorry.



- Hi.

- Hey, how are you?



I have noticed an improvement in the

Plummer kids and I'm very impressed.



Yeah, you know,

they're just misunderstood.



[Wolfe] Peter, careful!

Don't make me come up there!



Someone needs to take the time

to talk to 'em.



- You're getting a little attached.

- I take my job very seriously.



But it's like you said.

They're just kids.



Well, keep up the good work.






You look very nice today.



Oh. Thanks.



I don't think you understand.

Don't you ever do that again.



Is that clear?

Okay, I've had it.



I caught the kid dancing to no music.

I want him out of my class.



Somebody's gotta give this punk

a talking to.






Well, you got something

to say, twinkle toes?



Yeah. Yeah, I do, Murney.



- I quit.

- You quit.



You know why you quit?

Because you're a quitter.



And everybody knows

that quitters...






What are you scared of, Prancer?



- I'm not scared. I want to act.

- And I want to take up origami.



- I'm in The Sound of Music.

- Oh. A musical.



You're giving up wrestling

to be in a musical.



That happens when there

isn't a man in the house.



There is a man

in the house. It's me.



[laughing] Well,

it's gotta be a tiny house.



You think you're tough, boy,

don't you?



Wanna shave the tiger?

Do you? Huh?



- You want it tough?

- Where did you wanna do this?



- What are you talking about?

- You said you wanted to wrestle.



Where? When?



- After school.

- [Wolfe] Okay.



- Today?

- That's right. The gym.






Remember. You mess with

the bull, you get the horns.






[Murney] Out of my way!



- How did that feel?

- It was good.



[boy] Murney is getting

his butt kicked at  :  !



[cheering, pounding bleachers]



Oh, that is so gross.



[Murney] Come on! Come on!



What? That's it!



Someone's gonna get hurt today

and you know who it is?



You're about to enter

Murney's House of Pain!



What do you say we go over

the rules, cue ball? Huh?



[crowd] Oooh!



Rule number one.



Never be too eager

to rush your opponent.



Wanna play prison rules, frogman?

Wanna play prison rules? You got it.



- I'll be your daddy.

- [crowd cheering]



- [cracking]

- Ah!



All right.

Now you've unlocked the beast.



Oh, God!



From this position,

it's relatively easy



- to manipulate your opponent.

- Ohhh!






And thus we have

the chicken wing.



The chicken wing. [screams]



The arm bar.



The crow bar.

Or my personal favorite...



- Ahhhh!

...the pacifier!



Any questions?



Anything you

didn't understand?



Ah. The nipple crippler.



This is a useless, not to mention,

shameless move



that ultimately is a sure sign

of desperation.



And finally...






That was awesome!



- Are you okay, Murney?

- Get away from me!



Can I get a little help, please?

I can't move my back. Watch the back!









I didn't get that cone!









See? But he usually

breaks down the door.



[tires screech]




Now do it backwards.






  When you're down and low

Lower than the floor



  And you feel like you

ain't got a chance



  Don't make a move

till you're in the groove



  And do the

Peter Panda dance



  Just hop three times

like a kangaroo



  Side-step twice

just like the crabs do



  Three steps forward

One step back



  And quick like a turtle

Lie on your back



  Roll like a log

till you can't roll no more



  Betterjump quick

like there ain't no floor



  Hold your breath

Jump to the left



  And that's the Peter

I swear that's the Peter



  That's the

Peter Panda dance  



[Tyler coos]



- Again.

- Again?



You're going to sleep.

Good night, Peter Panda.



Good night, Daddy.



Good night, little fella.



Good night.



Hey, Skeever, what do you put in a jar

and shake till they're dead?






Go away

and we won't hurt you.



[girls give karate yell]









Don't even think about it.






Eat it, you jerk!



Go get 'em!



[phone ringing]



Customer service.






From now on, you do things our way!



No highway option!



- Ah!

- [moaning]



  I don't care what has been said

Fireflies rock full speed ahead



  Give me guff, I'm in your face

Fireflies rule the human race



-   Sound off

-   One-two, three-four



  One-two... three-four!  






- [Julie] Gary the duck?

- [man   ] No.



[man   ] We've been

here two weeks.



This is a matter of national security.



Well, I am sorry, sir, but none

of these answers ring true.



Howard. I'm so stupid.



Is it "my angel"?



Yes, it is indeed.



Well, I'll leave you to your business.



Please, Howard,

no more surprises.



Zoe, a rookie sniper

could drop you like a deer.



- Good.

- Good?



All right,

this is about Scott again.



No, it's not.



You were right about him.

Stupid guy.



- So, what's wrong?

- Nothing.



Nothing. Okay.



You know, when I was little,

my mom left.



My dad was a spec ops soldier like me.



When I was eight, he shipped

me off to military school.



I guess he liked being a soldier

more than he liked being a dad.



One day, I get a letter.



No more dad.



That's terrible.



For a long time I thought if I talked

about it, I was letting him down.



Like I was supposed to be brave

or something.






It's okay to talk

about your dad, Zoe.



I do miss him so much.



I don't know, I just...



I wanna be strong for Lulu

and Tyler and Peter



and Seth and my mom.



That's such

a big burden to carry.



I know.



[sobbing] I miss him so much.



It's okay to miss your dad.



- [phone rings]

- [Wolfe] I'll get it.



- Really?

- Yes.



- Really?

- Yes.



Seth! Seth! Guess what?

Mom's coming home.



- When?

- Tomorrow! She's coming home tomorrow!



- When did you talk?

- Mommy's coming.



Here, buddy,

Mommy's coming home!



Mom's coming home!



[Lulu] She is?



[Seth] She's coming back.



[excited chattering]



[Seth] Peter,

aren't you excited?



- When's she gonna be here?

- [Zoe] So, what are we gonna do?



We should dress up nice.

We should make her something.



- We'll clean up the entire house.

- That's a good idea.



- [Zoe] We should make a banner too.

- [Lulu] In the family room.









What's wrong, Gary?

Foot got stuck?



Hang on, hang on.



Okay, now just stay still.



Hi. Come on in.



- Are you ready?

- Yeah, almost.



[phone dialing]



[phone rings]



- Yes?

- Hey, it's Shane.



I have excellent news.

I think I found GHOST.



- Do you have it?

- It's in a steel vault.



It needs some sort of two-pronged key.

I've been working on it, but it's tough.



Great. Good work.

We're on our way.



Don't do anything further.

I'll be there soon.



Yes, sir.






The good news is,

once I give this to my C.O.,



whoever's been bothering you

ain't gonna be.



- Really?

- Really.



What's wrong? Your mother's

coming. You should be happy.



But, Shane, doesn't that

mean you have to go?



You should get ready.

Your mother will be home soon.



I had a fight with Zoe before I left,

so they probably trashed the place.



Welcome home, Mom.



[Julie] Hi! I missed you!






Shane, I am so proud of you.

I truly am.



I am going to give you

your choice of assignment.



Anywhere you want to go,

you just name it.



Well, I appreciate that.



But I'll have to think about it.



You're gonna think about it?



Well, the military's

all I've ever known.



- I have no regrets.

- I should hope not.



It's just that being

with this family...



- I've never had a...

- [man] Put your hands up!



The Chuns?



You gotta be kidding.

I swear I checked them out.



Give us the key.



- [man] Put your hands up!

- Okay. All right.









You promised us GHOST

months ago!



Well, I'm sorry.

There were delays.






Stop talking.



Shane's not gonna be

babysitting you anymore.



I trusted you.

Howard trusted you.



You've betrayed us

and you've betrayed this country.



Guess what?

North Korea pays better.



Chun, watch them.

They're squirmy.



You two, come with me.



[muffled yelling]



[beeping, bolts releasing]



Did you bring the

stethoscope, Mrs. Chun?



No, but I've

got some C- .



I just had my eyebrows done.









I said "Quiet,"

you little bug!



Now, Peter!









Well, that's cute!




That stuff doesn't hurt!



[Lulu] Shane! You can't do this!

You can't leave a man behind!



Hold on, I got it.



[Zoe] Shane!



- Where's Mom?

- Mom?



I'll find her.

You guys run and get help!



- [crying]

- Hurry!



Are you sure

you're gonna be okay?



Yes, Lulu. Go, get help.



Hold on!



[speaking in foreign language]



They're headed for the car!



- [Lulu] Zoe, call    .

- I forgot my cell phone.



- [Seth] Great. The only time you don't.

- [Zoe] We're gonna be okay!



Oh, my God!

What do we do?



Find a cop!









- He's gaining on us.

- I'll handle it.






[Chun yelling]









Look, Zoe! It's the cops!



[siren wails]



I assume you heard the Baloney

Bandit has struck again.



I accept total responsibility.

My intelligence, well, it was faulty.



- If I had better resources...

- [siren wails]



I told you not to pass her

in Driver's Ed.



You have exactly three seconds

to get me through this mine field.



You have exactly three seconds

to get me through this mine field.



- One, two...

- [Wolfe] Bill.



She doesn't know.



And you're not taking another

parent away from those kids.



Leave the family alone

and I'll get you in.



You better not be bluffing.



Zoe! Seth!



Lulu! Peter! Tyler!






That was the code. I saw Mr. Plummer

use it to open the briefcase.



You think this is a game?

Code or no code, open it. Now.



You can't make him do this.



I know Howard.

You haven't got a chance.



  When you're down and low

Lower than the floor



  And you feel like you

don't have a chance



  Don't make a move

till you're in the groove



  And do the

Peter Panda dance



  Hop three times

like a kangaroo



  Side-step twice

just like the crabs do



  Three steps forward

One step back



Quick like a turtle!

Lie on your back!



  Roll like a log

till you can't no more



  Betterjump quick

like there ain't no floor



  Hold your breath

Step to the left



And that's

the Peter Panda dance.



All right. Go.



Yeah, right.



Okay, I'll go first.



Great work, Shane.

I knew you'd figure it out.



I think you'd better open it.



Wait, wait, wait!



Back away.



You open it.



Come on.

I walked the floor first.



No way.

You can do it, soldier man.



[Julie] Ah!












Any last words, Shane?



Say good night,

Peter Panda.



Shane, are you okay?






She was never

a good neighbor.



Zoe, you're going too fast!



You're not gonna

have time to stop!



Who said anything about

stopping? I'm parking.



[tires screeching]



- What are you doing to these kids?

- [cop] Hands where I can see them!



[Wolfe] Okay. Calm down.




Put your weapons down!



I want the GHOST.






[Wolfe] Um... Calm down.

It's just a duck.



- [Chun] Where's the GHOST?

- [Wolfe] I have it.



[Chun] Bring it here!



Put it on the ground.



[whispering] Now, Gary.

Go for his balls.



Okay, duck whisperer,

step away!



- Gary, now!

- [quacking]






Couldn't let you

have all the fun.



So I guess you'll be

taking off now, huh?



Seeing as there's no reason

to stick around anymore.



I'm still here,

aren't I?






- What now?

- I don't know. I'm on dry land.






Which means you're

the superior officer.






So you tell me.






- [clears throat]

- Lulu!



Excuse me, ma'am.

Could I have a few words?






Well, we... I... You know.






We'll talk later.



- Mission accomplished, soldier.

- I suppose it is.



- I guess you'll be leaving us now.

- I guess so.



I want you to have this.



Because I don't want you

ever to forget me.



I will never forget you.



'Cause you're the

best friend I ever had.



No matter how far...



...or long life takes me away,



I will always be thinking about you.



I love you, Shane.



I love you too.



From now on, it's your command.



At ease, soldiers.



[Wolfe] Your father would

be so proud of all of you.






Look who just woke up.



- [Lulu] Shane?

- Yes?



- Are we ever gonna see you again?

- What are you talking about?



We still have one more mission.



  You are    going on   



  Baby, it's time to think



  Better beware

Be canny and careful



  Baby, you're on the brink



  You are    going on   



  Fellows will fall in line



-   Eager young lads

- Yes!



  Will offer

you food and wine



  Climb every mountain



  Ford every stream



Looks like you have

a hit on your hands.



- You think so?

- Mm-hmm.



You should take over the drama

department instead of wrestling.



It's gonna be nice

having you around now.



Now that Murney's found

his true calling.



  Climb every mountain



  Ford every stream



It's gonna be my pleasure

serving with you.



  Find your dream  

Special help by SergeiK