Pal Joey Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Pal Joey script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Frank Sinatra, Kim Novak, and Rita Hayworth movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Pal Joey. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Pal Joey Script



Wait a minute, fellows.

You got this all wrong.



- l never laid a hand on her.

- We got there just in time.



That's the trouble with you nightclub

entertainers. You're all alike.



You think you can own

every dame in the country.



Show me a law in the country that says

l can't buy a doll a friendly drink.



No law, just don't buy a drink in your

hotel room for a doll that's underage.



- Let's get goin', bud.

- How'd l know she was jailbait?



She looked like she was   .



Want I should ask

for a driver's license?



lf you had, you would have found out

she was the mayor's daughter.



But-- Well, can't

we talk this over?



Come on !

You're leaving town now!



- l can't. l'm broke.

- Here's your ticket.






All aboard!



Thank you.



- Taxi!

- Taxicab!



Cab, lady?



Taxi, sir?



No, thanks. l got my car

and chauffeur meetin' me.



Step lively for a tour

of San Francisco.



Aid, young man?

Can l give you aid?



- What did you have in mind?

- l beg your pardon.



- Lovely homes and gardens.

- Get your early morning paper.



Golden Gate Park,

the world-renowned Cliff House...



overlooking the Pacific.



- Let your hips swing around the whirl.

- Herm, you need a singer?



Singer? l don't care if you sing like a

nightingale. l'm runnin' a girls' show.



Legs, not tonsils.



l see what you mean.



Thanks a lot.



Hurry, hurry.



This is the place

you can write home about.



This is the spot.



Hurry, hurry.

The show is just about to begin.



Plenty of seats available.

Step right on in out of the rain.



Everybody happy on the inside.



We got the greatest show in town.

The greatest show.



Come on in and hear

Ned Galvin And His Galvinizers...



the hottest band in town.



We got the finest food in town.



Hurry, hurry.

Everybody happy on the inside.



Go on right in, bud.

Hey, hey!



How are your fortune cookies?



Hi, maestro.



Remember your old pal Joey?



How could l forget? You still owe me

   bucks from San Diego.



What do you think l'm doing here?

l came back to pay you the loot.



- Oh, man, am l glad to see you.

- Sure.



Take it out of

my first week's salary.



Tell the management

l'm available.



- You're always available.

- You got to stay loose.



That's the trouble, you see,

but we have an M.C.



Excuse me a minute.



Listen, can't we go

someplace after the show?



Have a cup of coffee and

yak up old times? Have some laughs?



That'd be good,

but l got a date with a girl.



lf she's a good-looking chick,

bring her along.



She's good-lookin' all right.



You don't understand.

Joey's turned over a new leaf.



New Joey, huh?

Sure, how about that?



How good-lookin' is she?



Back again, huh?



I'm a red-hot mama



But I'm blue for you



l get purple with anger



At the things you do



And l'm green with envy



When you meet a dame



And you burn my heart up



With an orange flame



I'm a red-hot mama



But you're white and cold



Don't you know your mama



Has a heart of gold



Hey. Who's the mouse

with the built?



A terrific rainbow

over you and l



You got to lay off of her, Joey.

She's a nice kid.



She has ambition too.

She wants to be a singer.



By the way, l'm helping her

with some of her arrangements.



Looks like she's pretty

well arranged as it is.



- Has that crummy M.C. shown up yet?

- Not yet, Mike. He must be stuck.



Yeah, in a crap game. That's twice

this week this bum has been late.



What do you want me to do? Cut his

number out and we'll go right to finale?



- Yeah, go right into the finale.

- Okay then.



Over you and I



Come on, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's hear it. Make the ladies know it.



You can do better than that.



Thank you. Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen.



We bid you good evening. l'm very happy

to be working in my hometown of...



San Francisco.



l've never seen him before.



l was born right here in this town,

right top of Telegraph Hill.



Yes, sir, my mother

was sending a wire at the time.



That's in Morse code. Secret Service

joke. What are you gonna do?



- You know this bum?

- Yeah, l know him.



- What's his name?

- His name's Joey Evans.



ls that the same Joey Evans

that caused all that trouble...



at the Hi-Ho Club a few years back?



You mean the same Joey Evans who--



l've had a request to do a song that's

dedicated to all the saloon keepers...



who are blowing their liquor license

called ""l Didn't Know What Time lt Was."'



""l didn't know--''

Oh, boy. C  please.



l didn't know what time it was



Till l met you



Oh, what a lovely time it was



How sublime it was too



I didn't know what day it was



You held my hand



Warm like the month of May it was



And I'll say it was grand



He's got them in a trance.



Better they stay awake.

ln a trance, they won't drink.



lf they won't drink,

I got to go out of business.



Grand to see your face

Feel your touch



Hear your voice say I'm yours






l didn't know what time it was



And then I met you



Oh, what a lovely time it was



How sublime it was too



I didn't know what day it was



Then you held my hand



Warm like the month of May it was



And I'll say it was grand



Grand to be alive, to be young



To be mad, to be yours alone



Grand to see your face

Feel your touch



Hear your voice say

I'm all your own



He's cute!



You think anyone

with pants on is cute!



That's a lie.

l Iike lots of people without pants.



- What l mean is--

- Let it lay, honey.



l'm wise and

l know what time it is now



l'm wise and

I know what time it is now



I'm so wise



And I know what time it is now



Thank you very much.



Okay, hit the finale.



- Say, when do I start?

- You already started.



- What about my billing?

- Your what?



My billing. You know,

my picture out front.



- Are you kidding?

- Who's kiddin', Mike?



l got a big following. Put my picture

out front, they'll break the door down.



You'll have the rope up

every night.



One bad night

and you'Il be on the end of it.



Get this straight, lover boy.

l heard a lot about you.



I don't want you sniffing

around the customers' dames.



One false move and

you're out on your Frances.



Yeah, you.



That's what l like, Mike.

Security in a job.



Say, nobody's brought it up yet,

but l get     a week.



- What?

- l'll take less.



l made it a point never to argue

with the fellow who owns the saloon.



When the sun goes down

it is wide awake



Take your ma and your pa

and go to Frisco



Boston is England

New Orleans is France



New York is anyone

for ten cents a dance



But this great big town

by the Golden Gate



ls America's first

and Americans make



San Francisco



She was one of those new kids,

a little nervous, you know.



So l coached her a little bit,

if you excuse the expression.



She was singin' all those ballads

and that draggy jazz.



One day when the fleet landed...



she wanted to know from me

what would please the sailors most.



So l told her.



Things were never

the same between us again.



- Linda English, Joey Evans.

- Hi.



Yeah, she was quite a doll, that little

redheaded girl of yours in San Diego.



Mine? lt was your redheaded girl.



lf you want to get technical

about the situation...



she was really the manager's girl,

and she was a brunette at the time.



So good to see

American food again.



l've been out of the country. l've been

working for six months in Honolulu.



- You don't look very tan.

- lt was the rainy season.



lf you really want to know what

they wore under those grass skirts--



- Easy.

- Sorry.



- Excuse me, Miss, uh--

- English.



- For you, Ned.

- Okay, baby. Excuse me.



l heard about you, buster.



- Big reputation.

- Yeah.



But I'm too much of a lady

to say what for.



My sister worked

with you in Fresno.



She told me all about you.



Which one was she?



The one you didn't

get to first base with.



Oh, she was the ugly one.

Must be twins.



Hey, fellows, good news.

We're coming up in the world.



Got a call from the agent, and he wants

us to play a society party on Nob Hill.



Shorty, you call the union

and get four extra guys.



Okay, Ned.



Something must have happened to

the band bus. lt broke down somewhere.



- You want to go along?

- We'd love to.



Wait a minute. Maybe this could be

a chance to pick up a couple of bucks.



Ned boy, l'll never

forget you for this.



Oh, yes, you wiIl forget it.

Tell the drummer to get you a jacket.



- Nice to have met you, Miss, uh--

- English.



Gotta remember that.



There is a small hotel



With a wishing well



l wish that we were there






There is a bridal suite



One room bright and neat



Complete for us to share






Looking through the window



You can see a distant steeple



Not a sign of people



Who wants people



When the steeple bell



Says, good night, sleep well



We'll thank the small hotel




l don't recognize the body,

but the face is familiar.



That's Mrs. Prentiss Simpson.

She owns the place.



She didn't pick up that action

at Arthur Murray's.



You're right. She used to be

vera vanessa. She was in show business.



Then she married a wealthy guy

and retired. Don't you remember?



- lt was all in the papers.

- Yeah, now l remember.



""vanessa, the Undresser.'' l didn't

recognize her with her clothes on.



Not a bad-looking mouse.



lt's too bad you can't

afford her brand of cheese.



And when the steeple bell



Says, good night, sleep well



We'll thank the small hotel






Sold to the highest bidder, our

charming hostess, Mrs. Prentiss Simpson.



Ladies and gentlemen, l believe

this ends our little auction.



l know you'll be

very happy to learn...



that the Children's Hospital

will be richer by--



$     .



lt's a wee bit short

of our goal of      ...



but unfortunately we seem to

have run out of articles to auction.



Just a minute, Mrs. Simpson.



l believe l have

something to auction.



How much would you bid to hear

Mrs. Simpson do one of her numbers?



This is her favorite charity.

She couldn't possibly say no.



How much will you pay

to see the lady do the number...



that made her name

a byword from coast to coast?



Don't tell me you don't

remember vera vanessa?



She used to be vera

with the vanishing veils.



You needn't start the bidding.

l will open the bidding.



l will get things going

by bidding $    .



Yes, sir, a thousand bucks

to see our lovely hostess...



do the number exactly

as she did it on the New York stage.



Well, not exactly because...



she promised the police commissioner

she would never do it that way again.



Do l hear     ?     ?






-     !

- That's hardly enough.



That's hardly half enough.



We've got to do

a lot better than that.



l'll bid $    .



Do I hear $    ?

$     ladies and gentlemen.



Doesn't any--

$    ?






Please-- $    !



- l'll bid     !

- $     the man bids.



Sold to the man for $    !



Ladies and gentlemen,

l give you Mrs. Prentiss Simpson.



You louse.



ln Paris

I headlined the follies



Billed as doll

of all the dollies



Admired by the great Stravinsky



But my greatest achievement

in the height of my career



Was the time I starred for Minsky



You're looking at

a former stripper



But before I unzip one zipper



I want it known

I was quite the artiste



But the intellectual kind



What was I thinking

while I worked you might ask



While I worked these thoughts

kept crossing my mind



Zip, Walter Lippmann

wasn't brilliant today



Zip, will the Giants

ever take it away



Zip, l was reading

Schopenhauer last night



Zip, and I think

that Schopenhauer was right



Sigmund Freud has often stated

dreams and drives are all related



Zip, I'm a firm believer



Dorothy Dix's daily column

tells that love is dear and solemn



Zip, l can take or leave her



Zip, it took intellect

to master my art



Zip, every movement

from the heart



l have read the works of Plato

Translated most of Cato



Zip, I am such a scholar



I don't care for Whistler's mother

Charley's aunt or Schubert's brother



Zip, had to make a dollar



Zip, you have asked me

what l think while l work



Zip, I've an intellectual quirk



And my thoughts may skip

whenever so inclined



Oh, zip



Zip, zip



l'm a broad

with a broad, broad mind



More! More!



Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen.



Now if you'll all step onto

the terrace, supper is being served.



l think that's a dandy idea.

Nothing like a midnight snack--



Just a minute,

my presumptuous friend.



The help is being fed

in the kitchen.






lf you ever want to make a comeback,

l got some dandy material.



You can reach me

at the Barbary Coast Club.



- Good night, Ned.

- Good night. See you in the morning.



Before l go, there's

one thing l'd like to know.



What's that?



What would you have done

if you'd been stuck for the     ?



Simple. l'd have killed myself.



- Good night, Miss, uh--

- Forget it.



- Good night, Linda.

- Good night, Ned. See you at rehearsal.



Of all the dirty,

rotten, lowdown tricks.



- What are you talking about?

- You know what l'm talking about.



Linda. You know

l'm stuck on her.



- l never even gave her a second look.

- That's just it.



This is a beautiful girl,

and you act like she doesn't exist.



What are you trying to do?

Make a move with her?



- Who, me?

- No, him!



l told you l turned over a new leaf.

She's not my type.



They're all your type, Joey.



Wait a minute.

Where are you going?



l'm going to stay with you.

l got to have a place to stay.



Not with me. I just as soon

bunk with a cobra.



Just a minute.

Here's    bucks.



This is your share of tonight's take.

And you know what?



- What?

- Get your own room.



Ned, l'm hurt, really.



But if that's the way

you want it, okay.



Sure, l know. l'm going

to hate myself in the morning.



You may not have

to wait that long.



- What do you want?

- l want to rent the room.



At this hour?

Come back later.



l need it now.

l'm tired.



Sure you're not

one of those sex fiends?



Me? No, but l'm not against it.



- Where's your baggage?

- l left it at the airport.



lt's coming in the morning.



By the way, when the boy comes,

would you tip him? Here's $  .



All right.



l'd like something quiet.



You wouldn't have a room next

to someone who works nights, would you?



l've got just the thing.

Second floor front...



next to a young lady--

an actress-- but very refined.



You share a bath.



We do?



She's nice and clean.



ls this what you want?



lt's the closest thing to it.



l don't allow pets, cooking in the room

or guests of the opposite sex...



unless related.



l have several nieces.



That'll be $   a month

in advance.



You wouldn't have change of

a hundred dollars, would you?



Think l want to get

murdered in my bed?



No, of course. Well,

here's    ma'am, on account.



Right. l'll get you some towels.



Thank you.



l'll hurry her up.



- Who is it?

- Mrs. Casey.



l want you

to meet your new neighbor.



- You know each other?

- Mm-hmm.



- What a coincidence.

- lsn't it though?



If you were my girl,

you wouldn't need one of those.



Well, l'm filling it

for Mrs. Casey.



You shouldn't really wear pajamas.

You're definitely the nightgown type.



The shorties.



l'll pay you next week.



You alter that one to fit this good,

l'll send around all my friends.



Never mind sending your friends.

Just send your money.



Hi there, fellow. Bet you wish

you were out here, don't you?



- Well, if it isn't Ned's girl?

- l'm not his girl.



Oh? He told me you were.



l don't want to complain, but you

used all the hot water this morning.



l thought that you

could use a cold shower.



He's a cute fellow, isn't he?



Reminds me of a dog l had when

l was a kid. His name was Snuffy.



l was crazy about him. One day

he got run over by a milk truck.



l haven't been able

to drink milk since.



Wish l could afford to buy him.



Gets a little lonely traveling

around the country all by yourself.



Don't you have to run a song over

with your boyfriend today?



lf you're speaking about Ned,

I told you once and for all he's--



You're just good friends.

That's right.



So long, Snuffy.



By the way, both of us

use a green toothbrush.



One of us is

going to have to change.



Barbary Coast Club. Come right in

and see our sensational girls...



and featuring Joey Evans.



Come on.



- Come on.

- Joey, stop.



When do l get a door

on this broom closet?



You don't. l couldn't

trust you behind a door.



Say, lover boy, where's that big

foIlowing you're supposed to have?



lt takes a little while, Mike.

You got to let the word percolate.



lt better percolate pretty quick.



- Evening, Mr. Megans. Hi, Joey.

- Hi, doll.



Stop over tonight?

l want to show you my hi-fi.



This kid's got

a fine woofer and tweeter.



Hey, Herm.



Like l was saying, Mike, you got

to let the people know l'm here.



Your name's out front, isn't it? What's

the matter? Your public can't read?



Sure, they can read, boss.

Blow up my picture.



You're blown up enough already.



Here are your shirts, Joey.

Just the way you like them, no starch.



What an arrangement.



You bum. ln two weeks you've moved in

on every doll but Gladys and Linda.



Show time!



- Gladys doesn't appeal to me.

- And you don't appeal to Linda.



Oh, no? l got plans for this doll.

Ring-a-ding plans.



This little mouse takes

a special kind of baiting, Mike.



You're wasting your time.

She'll never go for it.



They all do.



lf they asked me

l could write a book



About the way you walk

and whisper and look



I could write a preface



On how we met



So the world would never forget



And the simple secret of the plot



ls just to tell them



That l love you a lot



Then the world discovers



As my book ends



How to make two lovers of friends



Whoever heard of singing a love song

like this without a girl?



Come on.



About the way you walk

and whisper and look



And the simple secret of the plot



ls just to tell them



That l love you a lot



Then the world discovers




As my book ends



How to make



Two lovers



Of friends



- Fun, huh?

- lt was wonderful.



How's it feeI

working with a star?



Oh, don't let it go to your head.



Just baiting the trap.



Why, you--



Hey, Linda.



l'm taking a bath.

l'll be out in ten minutes.



Would you like me

to scrub your back?



No, and you needn't bother

peeking through the keyhole.



There's a Band-Aid over it.



How about a nice Sunday dinner?



l'll take you out to the Cliff House,

and we'll have shrimp cocktail...



and a steak and French fries

and a little wine.



You know, the whole mishmash.



Thanks. l can't afford it.



What do you mean you can't afford it?

l'm poppin'.



Why, that's very generous

of you, Joey.



l'd love to.



lt's funny how we both

use the same toothpaste.



Yes, mine.



lt's little things like that

that bring people together.



Look, there's your friend.



Why, he's glad to see you.



Look how he likes you.

lt's just amazing.



l come by and talk to him

every day through the window.



l pretend like he's mine.



You really would like

to own him, wouldn't you?



l'd give my right arm.



- How much is this little terrier?

- Twenty-five dollars.



- Twenty-five bucks?

- We'lI take him.



- Wait a minute. What are you doing?

- No excuses. l made up my mind.



l couldn't let you throw away

all that money on a date with me.



l want you to buy what you really want.

A dog to replace Snuffy.



l don't want the--

What l mean is...



Mrs. Casey wouId never

let me have a dog.



Oh, but she will.

l told her how much it meant to you.



She was touched.



She won't be so touched

when he ruins the rug.



Nonsense. He'll be housebroke

in no time.



- Here you are.

- Thank you.



Here. A dog to replace Snuffy. He's

all yours. You'll never be lonely again.



That'll be $   mister.



Would you like to take

some worm medicine?



Not if l can help it.



What about dinner? They'll never let us

in the restaurant like this.



Now don't worry about me.

You just run along home with Snuffy.



Look at that.

He's crazy over him.



Yeah, he loves me.



Well, don't Iet it

go to your head.



Bye, Joey. Bye, Snuffy.



Twenty-five bucks

for a mutt like you.



You're not exactly what l expected

to wind up with tonight.






Terrier, my ankle.



Bet you don't even know

who your old man is.



Don't worry about it.

l don't know who mine is either.



That makes us members

of the same club.



Let's see what you know.

Sit up. Roll over.



What a no-talent pooch.



Okay, get some sleep.

Tomorrow we start working.



Teach you some tricks.



No, my little fellow.

Off. O-R-F.






Here. Come on.



And remember.

The powder room is in the park.



Okay, fatten up.



Snuffy! Don't take it!



- You mustn't do that.

- Why not? The pooch is hungry.



- What? Chicken bones?

- What's wrong with that?



You mean you used

to feed them to Snuffy?



There never really

was a Snuffy, now was there?



There is now.



l guess l played

a dirty trick on you, huh?



Doesn't matter.

He's beginning to grow on me now.



So are you too.



What's with the milk bit?



l says, ""Doc, how long do l have to

sneak in the back and drink this stuff?



lt doesn't Look good

to the customers."'



Hey, Mike, Mrs. Simpson,

the big society dame, just come in.



Mrs. Simpson? ln my place?



Table nine.



Take him for a walk.



That's her. l told you l'd bring her in.

Wait a minute.



Do me a favor, will you? Let me

handle this. l'm very big with her kind.



- You're pretty big above your ears.

- l'm serious.



Some guys got a system with horses,

and l got a system with dames.



- Hit me.

- lt's a snap.



You treat a dame like a lady,

and treat a lady like a dame.



And underneath those furs,

that is pure dame.



This place was definitely

not recommended by Duncan Hines.



Wouldn't we have more fun bobbing

for apples? Why bring us here?



l've got a little score to settle

with one of the inmates.



Watch Joey lay on the class.



ln the meantime, you stock up

on the caviar and the champagne...



because this dump is going to cater

to nothing but the carriage trade.



Good evening, Mrs. Simpson.

We're honored to have you here.



l'm so pleased to see you came

all the way down from the Nob Hill.



Well, the boy auctioneer.

Won't you join us?



l'd be delighted.

l'm Joey Evans.



- My name's Stanley.

- Mine's Livingston.



Stanley and Livingston.

That's funny.



They have a sense of humor. l like that.

Reminds me of old Dad's.



- Dad's?

- Yes, my father.



He used to tease me about one thing or

another, particularly about my flying.



Your flying?



ln my sports plane.



Oh, l love my life.



There's something you get out of flying

that you get out of nothing else.






It used to upset him, because

l started when l was quite young.



l'm sure you started very young.



lt was while l was studying aeronautics

and conversational French at Princeton.



That is, before l resigned

to go into the theater.






When is he going to study

conversational English?



Would you bring the folks a bottle

of the best champagne in the cellar?



- Oh, yes. Yes, sir.

- Thank you.



Care for something to eat? They have

a piece of resistance that's great.



No, thank you.

We ate before we came.



Yes, l can't say l blame you.

l must apologize for the crum-- decor.



The man who owns this place

is an old buddy of mine.



We were in the same platoon.



WelI, he wired me for help

when l was in New York.



l quit my job at the Waldorf,

and here l am.



l've always admired men

who were loyal to their friends.



Just between you and me l have been

thinking about opening my own place.



Something very intimate, quiet.



Classy. Maybe have

a quartet of violins.



l'd be there every night.



- You would?

- Mm-hmm.



That's wonderful.



What are we going to call it?



Well, l thought

we'd call it something romantic...



and maybe foreign even.



How about...



Chez Joey?



That's very good. That's perfect.

l like that. lt's even French.



Here we are.



You sure that stuff is old enough

to be out on its own?



Yes, sir,     

a very good year.



May have been a good year for the grape,

but it was a lousy year for M.C.s.



To Chez Joey.



That's what l like.

Champagne that fights back.



Show time.



That's me. Excuse me.



l do a little song

in this show.



It's a lovely love song,

especially for some of my friends.



What is this?



Oh, we were just slumming, beauty,

and we have a lot of spots to make.



What's next, boys? That place where

the young lady dances with the snakes?



So that"s your system, huh?



Guess l tried it

on the wrong mare.



Your system just run out of the money

and so have you. You're through!



You're kiddin'! Don't you know

a phony act when you see it, Mike?



She had to do that with those

two guys along. She'll be back.



Get your things and get out of here

before l wreck my furniture.



Wait, wait, wait. You'll be sorry.

Come here. l want to make you a deal.



lf she doesn't come back by Saturday,

l'll leave without pay.



- You bet you wilI.

- But if she comes back, l stay.



With a raise?



Okay, you got a deal.



Excuse me, madam.

There's a gentleman to see you.



He wouldn't give his name.



When l asked his business, he seemed

to talk a vernacular l couldn't follow.



- Sounds like Superboy.

- l beg your pardon?



Same vernacular. l'lI see him.



You bet you will.

Get rid of the pallbearer.



All right, what is it?



- l dropped in to say good-bye.

- Are you going somewhere?



Yep, away.



lt worked, baby.

l got the old bounceroo.



- l'm through at the end of this week.

- l didn't mean that to happen.



Don't worry your head about it.

l'm sick of this lousy town anyway.



What l really come up here for

is to straighten you out...



so you wouldn't get any wrong ideas

why l made a play for you.



Wouldn't want you to get any cockeyed

impressions that you appeal to me.



The only thing about you that

appeals to me is your M-U-N-Y, money.



- Do l make myself clear?

- Crystal clear.



By the way...



if you knew what you were throwing away,

you'd cut your throat.



Oh, Mr. Evans?



Have you had lunch?



Thank you, Mrs. Simpson,

but l have a luncheon date with a dog.



Okay, it's lunchtime. Come on.



There you go.



Come on, boy.



l know it's not chopped liver,

but you eat what l eat...



for the time being, anyway.



Here. Try this bagel.



Hey, the fingers are mine. Easy.



You ought to try that with

cream cheese and lox. lt's great.



You stick with me,

you'll learn nothing but bad habits.



Okay, it's time for your lessons.



Let's see what you've learned.



We'll begin with the praying bit.

That always gets them.



And while you're at it, pray that

Mrs. Simpson remembers to show up.



Lover boy.



You're gonna love it on the road.



Joey, it's Linda.

May l come in?



Yeah, sure, come in.

Make yourself at home.



Gladys says you're leaving.



Yeah, that's right.

l got a wire from Hollywood.



Why didn't you tell me?



Why should l?

You don't care what happens to me.



Well, of course l do.

All the girls do.



l don't care about

all the girls, baby.



l just care about you.



Do you mean that, Joey,

or is it just an act?



Of course l mean it.



We're sure gonna miss her,

aren't we, Snuffy?



l'm gonna miss you too.



l'm very fond of Snuffy.



Why don't the three of us

have supper tonight?



Show business

is a funny business.



We may never run into each other again.

Tonight could be our last night.



All right, Joey.

l'll change my things.



l'll take you out to the Cliff House,

and we'll have shrimp cocktail...



and steak and French fries

and a little wine.



You know, the whole mishmash.



Mind the store.



l'll finish your laundry, Joey.

You can pick it up later.



Gee, l sure am gonna miss you.



l'm gonna miss you too, doll.

Your flatwork is a gasser.



l hear you got

the old bounceroo, big shot.



lf you mean that you heard l was

leaving, you got it straight.



l'm on my way to New York,

El Morocco.



Are you kiddin'?



The only way you could get to Morocco

is to join the Foreign Legion.



Funny! Funny!



- Here's some scraps for your dog, Joey.

- Thank you, chef.



- Don't mention it.

- Dog, my foot. He eats them himself.



Why not? lt's good stuff.



Would you care to join us, sloppy?



Take it easy.

Don't get excited.



- Mrs. Simpson !

- Good evening.



- Won't you come in?

- Oh, am l too late?



You? Never!



l'm in the mood

for a little entertainment.



- Pete, get the boys out of the kitchen.

- Yes, sir, right away.



Champagne for the band

and make mine a double brandy.



- Double brandy for Mrs. Simpson!

- Okay, Mike.



- l believe you have a singer.

- Yeah, Joey.



Joey, sing a song for the lady.



What would the lady

like to hear me sing?



Tell him to surprise me.



Joey, surprise the lady.



l'lI surprise the lady.



Double brandy.






She gets too hungry



For dinner at  :  



She likes the theater



Never comes late



She'd never bother



With people she'd hate



That's why the lady is a tramp



Doesn't like crap games



With barons and earls



Won't go to Harlem



In ermine and pearls



Won't dish the dirt



With the rest of the girls



That's why the lady is a tramp



She likes the free



Free fresh wind in her hair



Life without care



She's broke, but it's oke



Hates California



It's cold and it's damp



That's why the lady is a tramp



She gets far too hungry



To wait for dinner at  :  



She adores the theater



And she doesn't arrive late



She'd never bother



With people she'd hate



That is why the lady is a tramp



Won't have a dice game



With any barons and earls



She will never go up to Harlem



Dressed in ermine and pearls



Won't dish the dirt



With all the other girls



That is why the lady is a tramp



She loves the free



Free fresh wind in her hair



Life without care



She's broke



Hates California



'Cause it's so cold and so damp



That's why the lady



That's why the lady



That's why the lady is a tramp



Come now, beauty.



Not only will l give him a raise,

l'll buy him a bicycle.



Champagne for everybody!



What do you know,

a parking lot for boats.



- v-E-R-A.

- That's correct.



- See how smart l am?

- Care to come aboard?



I'd love to, Captain.



This is quite a hideout.



Providing you have

something to hide.



Oh, that can be arranged.



Yeah, this is a clever kayak,

isn't it?



My husband gave it to me.



He's never been aboard.



Why doesn't he try

a little Dramamine?



This is the dining salon.

And just beyond is the galley.



l know, it's where you keep

your slaves. Slaves?



Nothing. Well--



And this is the master suite.



By the way,

where is the master?



My husband died two years ago.



And no cracks.



l was just gonna say that if you ever

get tired of being a wealthy widow...



you might like to go back

into show business.



No thank you.



l like being Mrs. Prentiss Simpson.



l'm not knocking you

being Mrs. Prentiss Simpson.



But l just thought you and me as a team,

we'd make a dandy double.



Aren't you afraid you might

find me a bit rusty?



Don't be ridiculous.



Why don't you get out

of something uncomfortable...



and l'll give you

a small audition.



Oh, beauty.



You have all the subtlety

of a battering ram.



But you wrong me, my dear.



What l meant was perhaps you'd like to

run through one of my old routines--



one l used to do

before l became an M.C.



No thank you.



That would bring back

too many memories.



The sticks, split weeks,

drafty dressing rooms.



Drunks tossing pennies.



That's the story of my life.



But l'm going places

one of these days.



l gonna have a club

all my very own...



my name up in lights.



No hokey waiters rattling plates

when l'm on.



No tough managers

beItin' me around.



Be my own boss.



Nobody owns Joey but Joey.



Chez Joey?



Chez Joey:

a place with real class.



l might even appear

in white tie and tails.



Might even wear an opera hat.



Suave stuff.



Easygoing stuff.



l might do all of the patter

like that.



Maybe l'll do

the whole thing in French.



Maybe you'd better not.



That's what l said.

Maybe l'd better not.



You'd give a lot

for a place like that, wouldn't you?






How about it?

You and me could be partners.



What would l get out of it?



Name something.



There"s nothing l don't have.



You want a bet?



After all, two years is a long time

between drinks.



Oh, you can hit

better than that, partner.



Yes, isn't it?



He's a fool...



and don't l know it.



But a fool can have his charms.



l'm in love...



and don't l show it.



Like a babe...



in arms.



Men are not a new sensation



l've done pretty well

I think



But this half-pint imitation



Put me on the blink



I'm wild again



Beguiled again



A simpering, whimpering



Child again



Bewitched, bothered



And bewildered



Am I



Couldn't sleep



And wouldn't sleep



And what would l do



If l shouldn't sleep



Bewitched, bothered



And bewildered



Am l



Lost my heart



But what of it



My mistake



I agree



He's a laugh



But I love it



Because the love's

on me



A pill he is



But still he is



All mine



And l'll keep him until he is



Bewitched, bothered



And bewildered



Like me



l guess the laugh's on me



I've slipped again



I've tripped again



The way to my heart

is unzipped again



Linda, you up yet?



l've been up for hours.



Open the door.

l want to talk to you.



What do you want?



What's the idea

with all the ice?



l get it. You're burned up

because l took a powder last night.



What possible difference

could it make to me?



Good morning, Snuffy.



l've got a bone for you.



Speaking of Snuffy, l'm thinking

of making you a present of him.



l'm planning on

blowin' this trap.



Gonna move to a place that fits

my personality a little better.



- You're not gonna leave the club?

- Nope.



l'm gonna take the club with me.

Come here. Let me show you something.



Look straight up the top

of that hill, Nob Hill.



That's where l'll take the club.



Little old me.



- You?

- Me...



and Mike and all the girls

and everybody in the joint.



lt's gonna be the same cast,

the same booze but a new address.



How? What happened?

Did somebody die?



No. As a matter of fact,

somebody came to life.



- l have a partner.

- Who?



Yes, ma'am, we're gonna have

a real classy joint. K-L-A-S-Y.



- Who's we?

- Me and my partner.



Who is your partner, Joey?



Mrs. Simpson.



Now wait a minute.

Don't get the wrong idea.



This is a legitimate business--



lawyers, six-percent interest,







Now don't give me

that ""everything'' jazz.



After all, this could be my big chance,

and it could be yours too...



because l got a great idea for you

in a number in the show.



Tell me. Just what do l

have to do for it?



Just remember all the lyrics.



How about Snuffy?

You gonna take him or aren't you?



You bet l'll take him.

Not even a dog should live with you!



His leash.



Bye, Snuffy.

So long, old pal.



Lucky little dog,

gettin' to live with Linda.



Don't let her fool you.

She's a nice girl.



She just acts like

all nice girIs act: lousy.



Good morning, Mr. Boss.



How are you, Herm?



Now that you got this swell new joint,

l guess there's no place for me.



Not at all.

You got a job.



Gee, Joey, thanks.



Wherever there's mice,

there's always a rat.



l'd like them about

out to there.



Out to here.



Well, there it is, Chez Joey,

just like l pictured it to be.



A dream come true.



- lt means that much to you?

- You bet it does.



Took a lot of years of scrounging

and scratching to get a joint like this.



That isn't how you got it.



Oh, l'm sorry.



l shouldn't have said it.




Maybe you're in love with her.



He looks a little thin.

Don't you feed him?



A lot better than you did.

He just doesn't eat.



Maybe he's getting lonely.



Don't look at me.

l'm eating fine.



Who was that?



One of the mice in the line.



- The pretty one?

- ls she? l didn't even notice.



You were certainly knee-deep

in conversation.



l was asking about my dog.



Yours? What's she doing with it?



l gave him to her when

I evacuated Mrs. Casey's rattrap.



- She lived there too?

- Yep.



Why didn't you bring him with you?



Because he wasn't yet

yacht broken.



My funny valentine



Sweet comic valentine



You make me smile



With my heart



Your looks are laughable






Yet you're my favorite



Work of art



ls your figure less than Greek



Is your mouth a little weak



When you open it to speak



Are you smart



But don't change a hair for me



Not if you care for me



Stay, little valentine



Each day



Is Valentine's Day



- When did she spring from the chorus?

- Who?



The mouse in the spotlight.



l'm beginning to talk like you.



You mean Linda?

Well, she's Ned's girl.



He's kind of stuck on her.



We talked it over

and we figured she was ready.



Ready for what?



very nice, Miss English.



lt was just wonderful,




Pretty good, huh, Ned?

Let's do the ""Kick lt Around'' number.



Come on, kids. Let's go.



Don't you think

she was pretty good, partner?



Not quite good enough.



She's just beginning. Give her time.

Wait till you hear this next number.



l think she'd be better off

someplace else.



Would you like to explain that?



l'll make it simple for you.



She's out.



- You want me to fire her?

- Yes, partner.



l figure it's the onIy way

to protect my investment.



l don't mean the club,

l mean you.



l think it's a stinkin' trick.



Come now, beauty.



Don't tell me you've developed

a better nature.



Come on, Snuffy.



Linda, you decent?



Just about. Come in.



l've been thinking that

you were so good in that number...



l decided to give you

something better to do.



- You did?

- A real blockbuster.



That's wonderful.

Which one?



l thought maybe

you ought to do the strip.



But Gladys does that number.



You wind up out there

with nothing on.



What do you think l am?



You're the best built mouse in the

joint, so let's take advantage of it.



l won't do it!

l'm sticking to my song.



l'm sorry, baby, but l've already

given the song to Gladys.



- l just thought you'd be pleased.

- Wait a minute.



There's something more to this.



You knew l'd say no.

You wanted me to. Why?



Your girlfriend told you

to get rid of me, didn't she?



- Look--

- Don't interrupt!



But you didn't have the guts, did you?

You wanted me to quit!



Chez Joey.

Well, that's a laugh.



Why don't you change it

to Chez vera?



What are you waiting for?

You've run your errand.



What happened to your head?



There's something you ought to know.

l didn't have to fire her. She quit.



That's the same thing.



Don't let it bother you. l'm sure she'll

have no trouble finding another job.



Sure. She can always pitch

for the New York Giants.



l want a bourbon, straight.



lsn't it a little early in the day

for a girl who doesn't drink at night?



On second thought,

make it two.



- What's with the watch bit?

- lt's getting late. Finish your drink.



What for? We got all night.



Oh, no, we haven't, beauty.



l'm giving a dinner party.






Put another plate at the table.



lt would make   

and l'm superstitious.



Only thing l'm superstitious about

is    in bed.



You'll have to leave.



l guess you think maybe l don't know

what fork to use.



Well, you're right, l don't, but l

wouldn't eat with those creeps anyway.



l'll see you at the boat later.



l'll go down to the corner

and grab a hamburger.



How should l have my hamburger...



with or without onions?






You're a cinch.



What happened?

How come you didn't show?



l had to hear ""Tristan and lsolde.''



Hear him do what?



lt's an opera.



Of course.



Afterward, they all came back here

and l couldn't get out of it.



Aren't you gonna pipe me aboard?



- What was that?

- l'm listening to the late news.



Sleep tight, doll.

Talk to you tomorrow.



Man's best friend.



Or was that your mother?



I wonder what she'd say

if she could see me now.



She'd say that you were stoned.



And she'd also want to know

what you're doing in my bedroom.



l decided to take your offer.



What offer?









Take it off and let it lay.



You were right.



l do have a good shape.






l'm stacked.



Bet you thought l wouldn't,

didn't you?



l'll bet you even thought

that l couldn't.



But l can.



And l will.









lt's all right, Snuffy.



lf l walk in my sleep,

bite me.



Well, good morning.



Oh, what's good about it?



Oh, your first hangover, huh?



Well, there's a first time

for everybody.



Why do people drink when

it feels so awful the morning after?



Maybe because it feels so good

the night before.



What did l do last night?



You kissed me.



l wasn't myself.



Yeah, but whoever you were,

you were great.



Then what?



Then you passed out.



I'm ashamed of myself.



Me too.



Why? What did you do?






Let's try on some breakfast.

Come on.



lt'll do you good.



Nice and easy.



Snuffy, please.

Not so loud.



- There you are.

- You cook?



You can't go through your life

on Wheaties alone.



l couldn't, Joey.



l got an idea.



lt's an old family recipe.

Hangovers run in my family.



My old man wrote the book.



l think this will

straighten you out. Go on.



Come on, Snuff.

Come on, boy. Up.



A bagel.



Something he picked up from me.



Fine pupil.



- You really don't feel well, do you?

- It's not just the hangover.



You see, where l come from...



a girl just doesn't spend the night

on a yacht and then stay for breakfast.



Of course, we don't have

any yachts.



By the way,

where do you come from?






What's wrong with Albuquerque?



For one thing,

they don't have any yachts.



Secondly, l'm surprised your mother

let you come to the big town.



Well, my mother says a nice girl's

a nice girl wherever she is.



Yeah, l know.

And a bum is a bum.



She didn't say that.



Besides, what about last night?



l made a fool out of myself,

and you didn't take advantage of it.



Don't pin any medals on me.



lt just so happens in my book

it takes two to tango.



Why are you ashamed

of your good impulses?



Maybe it's because

l don't get many.



You got a feIlow in Albuquerque?



l suppose you could caIl him that.

His name's Alfred. Works in a garage.



Grease monkey. No contest.

lt's a boat race.



He owns the garage.



Well, l better go.



Thanks for everything.



Maybe l ought to start

rehearsing that number.



You mean, now that you're sober

you still wanna do the strip number?



Was it your idea...



or was it hers?



Of course it was my idea.



l run the joint, don't l?

lt says ""Chez Joey.''



All right then, if you really want

me to do it, then l'Il do it.



Good. l'm glad you decided to.



The first guy who drops a knife

on the opening gets it in the back.



That's all, kids. Thank you.

Okay, next number.



l never thought she'd do it.



l've seen 'em come and go,

but l thought this girl was different.



Hold it.






You can all stop drooling.



Put your clothes on.



Well, what do you know.

Prince valiant.



l'll hit you a shot in the head.

Get up and do the number.



A pIeasure.



Here. Try this.

Blow your nose.



l'm sorry.



Forget it.

lt was a nice try.



No, it wasn't. lt was awful.

l just wanted to die.



l know what you mean.



l guess your mother was right.



A nice girl's a nice girl anywhere

and a bum is a bum.



l shouldn't have let you do it.



Fix your face and put on your dress.

We're gonna do the love song.



Joey, somebody wants to see you.



l won't be long.



Hi, doll. What's the rush?

l was rehearsing.



lt may not be necessary.



What do you mean?



You lied to me.

You told me she quit.



Well, she did,

but she decided to come back.



Be reasonable, baby.



The mouse means nothing to me. She needs

the dough. She's got a sick mother.



Then tell her

to get Blue Cross.



Get her out.



ls that an order?



Yes, it is.



- But l don't like orders.

- You'll obey or the club won't open.



You mean you'd shut the whole thing

over one stagestruck little broad?



lt isn't just one

stagestruck little broad.



lt's what she stands for.

You paraded her in front of everybody.



You made a fool of yourself--

of me!



Now go out there

and tell the girl she's through.



What are you waiting for?



l told you something once.

l'm gonna tell it to you again.



Nobody owns Joey but Joey.



l'll show you who owns Joey.



Mike, pay everybody off.

Chez Joey is not going to open.



And take down the sign.



Joey, shalI l break the news?



Thanks, Mike. l'll do it.



Mr. Evans, we have the house lights on

the dimmer system. lt's all checked out.






Mr. Evans, l've arranged

all the flowers like this.



They're lovely. Thank you.



- The tables will be ready for  :  .

- Good.



Mike's okay now.

You wanna try it?



Yeah, l'll try it.



Gather around, kids.

l got something to tell you.



l got a short announcement to make,

and this is gonna kill you.



Don't look now,

but the joint's folded.



l told you you'd get

a big laugh out of it.



But l'm not kidding about it.

Chez Joey won't open tonight...



or tomorrow night

or any other night after that.



l'm sorry to tell you this, kids,

but the party's over.



The little lady picked up her marbles

and went home.



- l'm sorry.

- Beat it, kid.



l said beat it!

Leave me alone.



Someone to see you, madam.



- Show him in.

- But it's a young lady, madam.



- A Miss English.

- Ask her to come in.



This way, miss.



You wanted to see me?



lt's about Joey.



l know how you feel.



And you're wrong.

There's been nothing between us.



Are you sure about that,

Miss English?



l am quite sure.



Let the club open, please.



You're hurting

a lot of other people.



You're not concerned with other people.

lt's Joey. You're in love with him.



Aren't you?



Well, let's say

we understand each other.



We're alike, Joey and l--

the same breed of cat.



I'm not so sure of that.



Joey's better than you think.

He's better than he thinks.



Nobody's better than he thinks.



lt may come as quite a surprise,

Miss English, but...



l do believe there's been nothing

between you and Joey.



That makes you all

the more dangerous.



You may not know it, but when Joey told

you to keep your clothes on today...



he played the greatest love scene

of his career.



l could undress in the lobby

of the Fairmont Hotel and...



he'd never turn a hair.



So, you see, Miss English...



with you on the scene...



l couldn't possibly

reopen the cIub.



lf l wasn't on the scene?



Well, I might give it

serious consideration.



After all, I rather enjoyed

owning a nightclub.



Of course, it wouldn't do to let our boy

know why you're leaving town.



He dislikes being

under any obligation...



except financial.



Why not? l earned them.



You can unpack, Joey.

l've changed my mind.



- l said l've changed my mind.

- l got ears.



But you don't understand.

lt's all right.



The club will open.



lt won't happen again.



Sure. One false move and

l'm right out on my Frances.



That's not true.



very well. l'll prove it.



We'll get married.



Don't give me that marriage bit.

Don't do me any favors.



lt isn't a favor.



l want it that way.



So the lady wants it that way.



""Well, jump, Joey.''



Now, darling, Joey,

you've had your fun.



Can we go now?



l got a big flash for you, Mrs. Simpson.

You and me ain't goin' nowhere.



Don't take it so big.



l'm doing you a big favor.



Darling, l--

l want to marry you.



Take more than a gold band

and a two-buck license...



to make an honest man

out of a bum like me.



That's a little job

l'm gonna have to work out myself.



Thanks for the use of the pad.



l guess that's that.



That's that.



ls it the mouse?






Maybe you should tell her.



What for?

Why should l louse up her life?



All of this could have been yours,

Joey-- the whole joint.



And you blew it

on account of two dames.



You never seem to learn,

do you?






What do I care for a dame



Every old dame is the same



Every hokey dame is the same



l got a future

a rosy future



You can be sure I'll be tops



I'm independent

I'm no dependent



And l'll own a nightclub

that's tops



I'll be in with the cops



What do l care for the skirts



l'll make 'em pay

till it hurts



Let 'em put up

till it hurts



I'm gonna own a nightclub



It's gonna be

the right club



For the swell gentry

it's elementary



l'll wear a top hat and cane



In Chez Joey

They'll pay Joey



The gay Joey



l can see it






So long, little bird.

Don't pick up any nails.



Where are we going?



What do you mean ""we''?



We're both out of work,

aren't we?



l don't know about you,

but l'm on my way to Sacramento.



Fine. l've always wanted

to see the state capitol.



Well, look, you asked me

to do the love song with you.



What are you trying to do,

crawl out of it?



- l thought we were good together.

- Are you out of your mind or something?



Know what you're getting into?

l'll brush you off before the station.



Why don't you beat it?



Look, l have no desire

to be hemmed in.



Now why don't you beat it?

Take the mutt with you.



Why don't you get out

while you got the chance?



What do you think l'm made of? Don't

you know l got a low boiling point?



Well, l guess we weren't

so bad at that, were we?



And l can use a girl in the act--

give it a little class.



- l could always do a strip.

- Don't bring that up again.



Well, how about my billing?



- Your what?

- My name? My picture?



Well, it'lI be ""Joey Evans

and Linda English.''



Well, how about...



""Joey and Linda Evans''?



lt"s shorter.



l got a better idea.



How about ""Joey Evans and Company''?

That's shorter still. Let's go.



And the simple secret

of the plot



ls just to tell them

that I love you a lot



Then the world discovers

as my book ends



How to make two lovers



Of friends




Special help by SergeiK