The Parent Trap Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Parent Trap script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the 1961 Hayley Mills movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Parent Trap. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Parent Trap Script

[M Man ]
 If their love's on skids
treat your folks like kids 

  Or your family tree's
gonna snap 

[M Woman ]
 So to make 'em dig
first ya gotta rig 

[M Together ]
  What do ya gotta rig 

  The parent trap 

[M Woman ]
 If they lose that zing
and they just won't swing 

  Then the problem
falls in your lap 

[M Man ]
  When your folks are square
then you must prepare 

-   What do you gotta prepare 
-   The parent trap 

[ Both Yawning ]

[M Together ]
  To set the bait recreate the date 

  The first time
Cupid shot 'em 

  Get 'em under the moon
play their favorite tune 



  You got 'em 

[M Man ]
 Lead 'em back to love
with a velvet glove 

[M Woman ]
  'Cause they're much
too old for the strap 

[M Together ]
 Straighten up their mess
with togetherness 

The parent trap 

John, they're
playing our song.

Marcia, what fools
we've been.

 Straighten out their mess
with togetherness 


 Straighten out their mess
with togetherness 


  The parent trap  

[M Girls Chattering,
Clamoring Loudly ]

[M Woman ]
Now, now there,
girls, Now, now,

''A''to ''K's''over here,
''A''to ''K's''over--

No, dear, you're an ''R''.
Over there with
the ''P'' to ''S's.''

That's a good girl.
Now, have we any
''X, Y, Z's'' here?

- Where are the ''X, Y, Z's''?
- Now here are your allergy pills.

Your grandmother said to remind
you one three times a day.
And your insect repellant.

And your poetry book.

- Thank you, Staimes.
- Have a good summer, miss.

[ Chattering,
Clamoring Continues ]

- Name?
- McKendrick, Sharon.

-     Belgrave Square, Boston?
- Yes.

And my grandmother said
to see that my tent
was properly ventilated.

Don't worry, McKendrick.
You'll be ventilated.

NeXt girl.

No candy wrappers.
No chewing gum wrappers
lying on the ground.

Always tidy.

Latrines over there.
Mess hall up the hill.

McKendrick, you're in here,
Arapahoe. Follow me.
Girls, wait here for me.

Come, McKendrick.

- New arrival, girls.
Name's McKendrick.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Girls here'll brief you
on anything you need to know.

I'm sure you'll be
very happy here.

See you after lunch.

My name is Betsy.
This is Ursula.

How do you do?
[ Clears Throat ]
I'm Sharon McKendrick.

-   [M Bugle Playing Reveille ]
- [ Girls Shouting ]

Say, you're
in a good tent.

Betsy's mother sends her
all kinds of candy bars and
chocolates every week.

- I'm not allowed to eat candy.
- Why not?

My grandmother thinks
it ruins my teeth.

Oh, hi, Mary Sue.

Well, come on, let's go.
I'm starved.

Oh, yeah,just as long
as there are three places.

Oh, is that--

- The nerve of her,
coming here with your face!
- What are you gonna do about it?

Do? What in heaven's name
can I do, silly?

I'd bite off her nose,
then she wouldn't look
like you.

- Who's she?
- [M Bell Ringing ]

- I never saw her
before in my life.
- Now...

at this time...

I want to say welcome
to all our new arrivals.

Welcome to Camp Inch,
new arrivals,

I am your
supreme commander here,

And my name is...
Miss Inch.

- Uh, yes, Miss Inch.
- [ Girls Chuckle Softly ]

I'd like at this time
to introduce a visitor...

from the neXt hilltop over.

From the
Thunderhead Boys Camp,

Chief Eaglewood,


Thank you, Miss Inch.
And hello there, out
there to all of you.

Uh, looks like a crackerjack
troop of girls there.

Now, why am I here?

Well, that's
our little surprise,

Trooper Stafford, attention.
Stand up, boy.

- Ohh, what a dream!
- [ Girls Giggling ]

A little surprise for you,
young ladies.

Saturday night
we're going to have a dance.

[ Girls Screaming ]

Now, quiet, girls, quiet.

And we've asked
the Thunderhead Boys Camp...

to come over
for the occasion.

Camp Thunderhead
accepts your invitation
and thanks you.

- [ Girls Screaming, Cheering ]
- [M Bell Ringing ]

A word of warning.

Watch your demerits.

Untidy little girls
won't go to the dance.

So keep those tents clean,

your uniforms
spanking fresh...

and we'll all be
one big happy family.

[ Sighs ]

[ Chattering ]

- [ Laughing ]
- With that toad?

Oh, no.

What are you staring at?

EXcuse me,
but haven't you noticed?
We look like each other.

Hey, wait a minute.
Turn your head.
Let me see that profile.

That's who it is,
Look at that profile,

- She's the spittin'image
of you-know-who,
- Who?

- Frankenstein.
- [ Laughing ]

Not wanted.

[ Screaming ]

[ Gasping ]

  [M Reveille ]

[ Girls Chattering ]

- [ Screams ]
- [ High-Pitched Scream ]

[ Screams ]
Those monsters!
They gopher-trapped us!

[ High-Pitched Screams ]

- Morning, Miss Inch.
- Good morning, Miss Grunecker.

- Where would you like to start?
- Well--

Why not start
with tent Arapahoe?

I'm sure you'll find
everything shipshape.

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Screams ]

[M Woman On Record ]
  Think of all
that we could share 

 Let's get together
every day 

 Every way
and everywhere 

 And though we haven't
got a lot 

  We could be sharin'
all we've got 


-   Oh, I really think you're swell 
- What if we got some ants,

-   We really ring the bell 
- and when she comes by the window
we dump 'em down her dress?

- Impractical.
- Where're you gonna find
ants at night, stupid?

Ooh, the three of them.
I'm so mad I could just spit.

 Let's get together

  Two is twice
as nice as one 

 Let's get together
right away 

  We'll be havin'
twice the fun 

-  And you can always
count on me 
- Hey, I got an idea!

-  A twosome we will be 
- Come on!

 Let's get together

[ Chattering ]

- How do you like camp?
- Oh, it's okay, I guess.

I'm not coming back
to this one, though.
They're so juvenile.

They won't let you wear
lipstick or perfume.

I feel absolutely naked
without my lipstick.

[ Clears Throat ]
Where you from?

Um, Monterey,

That's great.

Oh, you'd love California;
at least I do.

It's so sort of--
I don't know--
marvelous, actually.

- [ Clears Throat ]
Sounds great.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, it's absolute fun
living in California,

Every year when I get home
from camp, Dad takes me
on a trek into the mountains.

- Gee, that's great.
- Mm-hmm.

Your mother just lets you
go up in the mountains like that?

- Oh, I don't have a mother;
just Dad and me.
- [M Scissors Cutting ]

He's wonderful. Besides,
I know almost everything
about trails...

and camping
and woodlore.

We have a ball,
just Daddy and me and Hecky.

- Ooh, it's hot out here.
- Who's Hecky?

Our ranch foreman.
He tells sensational stories.

He used to be
a rodeo rider actually.

-   [M Starts ]
- Oh, they've started
the music again.

- I guess we oughta, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

I love dancing.
I could just dance all night,

- especially with you, Wilfred.
- [ Clears Throat ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Gasps ]

[ People Laughing ]

Your dress is ruined! Where were you?
Where could she have done it?

- Oh, I don't know! I wasn't
anywhere. I just went out--
- [ Chuckling ]

Serves ya right.
Stay out of our tent from now on.

- You vicious, little wretch!
- [ Gasps ]

- Stop it! Stop it!
- Let her go!

Sharon, let go of her!
Get away!

- [ Girls Screaming ]
- Stop that!

Stop that, ladies,
please! Girls--

Stop it!
Girls! Stop!

Stop. Stop.
Misses, stop.

- [M Girls Screaming ]
- [ Gasps ]

[ Stammering ]

[ Shouts ]

I've got a cake in my hands!
Now stop it, children!

[ Screams, Groans ]

You little wretches!

[M Girls Continue Screaming ]


In the history of our camp,
that was the most infamous,

the most revolting,
the most disgusting
display of hooliganism...

we have ever had.

- Brawling like hooligans
in front of our guests.
- And worst of all,

two sisters who should be
setting a good example,

We're not sisters!

I've never seen her
before in my life!

They are, aren't they?

No, ma'am,
just look-alikes.

An amazing resemblance.

I gather that you two girls
don't get along together?

Hmm. Well,
have you ever heard of
Gilbert and Sullivan?

Yes, ma'am.

They were composers.

They wrote a
memorable song called...

''Let the Punishment
Fit the Crime.''

''Let the Punishment
Fit the Crime.''

[ Girls Chattering ]

Sharon McKendrick,
we are waiting.

All right, girls,
follow me.

  [ Girls Whistling ''Bridge
On The River Kwai'' ]

? ?


? ?

Now, girls, that's enough
of this nonsense!

Go back
to your activities!

- [ Girls Shouting ]
- All right, young ladies.

In here.


All right.

Four weeks left at camp
and you'll spend them all together;

room together,
eat together, play together.

Either you'll find a way
to live with each other...

or you'll punish yourselves
far better than I ever could.

Good-bye, girls.

[ Girls Chattering,
Laughing ]

It drives her crazy.
I completely ignore her.

- Give it to her good.
- The old coventry treatment.

Pretty soon the silence
will drive her absolutely
out of her mind.

[ Girls Giggling ]

[M Thunderclap ]

[M Wind Gusting ]

- Oh! Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my goodness! Hurry, quick!

I've got it. Hook it.
Tie that down over there, tight.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Oh, gosh!
Look at this mess!

- Are any of them spoiled?
- Well, it didn't do 'em any good.

Oh, dirty darn,
look at this one.Just ruined.

Oh, that's a shame.
Who is he?

Are you kidding?
Ricky Nelson?

Oh. Your boyfriend.

[ Gags ]
I wish he was!

You mean you never
heard of him?

Where do you come from,
outer space?

No. I'm from Boston.

[ Snootily ]
Oh... Boston.

- Where's your home?
- California.

Oh, I've seen movies of California.
Is it a nice place to live?

We got a ranch out in Carmel.

I got a picture.
You wanna see it?

There. That's the house.
Then the stables go off down there.

- How lovely.
- Oh, I got my own horse
and everything.

We got a lake. You know,
you could practically fall
right out of the front door...

and go swimming
anytime you want.

Who's this?

That's my dad.
Isn't he dreamy?

[M Sharon ]
He's very handsome,

- Is it cold in here?
- I'm hot.

Want a Fig Newton?

What's your pop like?
I mean, is he a friend
you could talk to...

or one of those
busy types?

Well, I don't have
a father actually.

Mummy and Daddy
separated years ago.
She never mentions him now.

You know, it's scary
the way nobody stays together
anymore these days.

Pretty soon there's gonna be
more divorces than marriages.

Isn't it the truth?

- How old are you?
- Thirteen.

So am I.
I can't wait till I'm    ...

and get my own car
and stay out dancing till midnight.

I'll be     November    .

No kiddin'?
That's my birthday too.

Isn't that peculiar?
November    ?

Funny, isn't it?

Uh-oh, this one's full.

Hey, what do ya know,
it's stopped raining.

[M Birds Twittering ]

What is your mother like?

- I can't remember her.
- Did she die?

Nope. Busted up with Dad
when I was young.

But she was fabulous.
Absolutely fabulous!

- How do you know?
- There used to be a picture
of her on Daddy's desk.

But once he caught me
looking at it, and it's
never been around since,

Hey, you wanna come
to the commissary
and get a popsicle with me?

Can you only think
about your stomach
at a time like this?

At a time like what?

Don't you feel it?
Don't you know what's happening?

Don't you find it peculiar
that we both look so much alike
and have the same birthday?

It's just one
of those things, isn't it?

Will you come inside
a minute... please?

Mother always says
I'm psychic;

you know, that I can sense
things when something odd
is going to happen.

I always get
goose bumps. Look.

So what?

I don't understand.

What are you doing
with her picture?

It's my mother.

But it's my mother too.

  [M Reveille ]

[M Girls Chattering ]

Uh... lunch.

You go.

I'm not hungry.

I hope we have chicken tonight
because I really like that,

[ Crying ]

[ Gasps ]

I didn't know
what to say.

I know.
I didn't either.

Golly, sisters!

You know what
probably happened.

They must've quarrelled
and parted...

and just sort of... bisected us,
each taking one of us.

Why do you suppose
they separated?

I don't know. I can't imagine
anyone not loving Mother.
She's absolutely divine!

Well, what about Dad?
He's a sensational person,
I mean, as a friend and all.

The thing is... that neither
of them got married again.

You see what that means?

- Not really.
- Secretly, in their
innermost hearts,

they must still
be in love with each other.

Then why have they stayed
separated all these years?

Because that's how true love
creates its beautiful agony.

All splendid lovers
have just dreadful times.

Uh... Peleus and Melisande,
Daphnis and Chloe.

History's just jammed
with stories of lovers
parted by some silly thing.



Oh, my goodness!

Oh, boy!
Oh, my gosh! Oh!

- What's the matter?
- Uh--

You wanna meet Father and
I'm just dying to know Mother.

Well, what if--

Oh, my gosh!
It just seems so scary that
we might be able to pull it off.

Pull what off?

- Switch places!
- Switch?

We could do it.
We're twins, aren't we?

Oh, I want to know Mother.
Look, now I'm getting
goose bumps.

Me too.

You know something,
there's more to it
than just switching places.

- I believe fate brought us together.
- How so?

If we switched, sooner or later
they'd have to unswitch us.

Mother would have to bring me
to California to unmiX us.

- And they'd have to meet again.
- Face to face.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- EXactly.

Let's get to work!

- Hmm?
- It's amazing!

Now, I think you should
wear this one when
you go to meet Dad.

Oh, this is gorgeous!
Oh, I'm going to wear this
one when I go to Boston.

Oh, I adore it!

Now, Susan, will you
pay attention.

Now the music room
and the library are on the first floor.

Now your room is the second door
on the second floor on the left,
all right?

Now, the horse's name
is Schotzli and the dog is Andromeda.

Verbena collects
the dirty laundry every Monday.

- [M Girls Chattering ]
- Sharon, will you pay attention.

Now, eXcept
for the dirty socks;
those are Thursday.

Oh, yeah.
My favorite food is chili beans.

Oh, and you gotta chew gum
'cause I always chews gum.

Um, flat ''A's'',
you must remember
all your ''A's'' are flat.

Uh, talk fast, you know,
'cause everybody talks fast. And--

But I never bite my nails!

Sharon, ya gotta!
I always chew mine.
Anyhow, Dad'll know.

Go on, bite 'em,

Can't. Shan't.
Aunt. Hmm?

No, no. ''Ca-un't.''
''Sha-un't.'' ''Au-unt.''

''Sha-un't.'' ''Au-unt.''

- Ooh, I can't wait till camp is over.
- ''Ca-un't'' wait.

Okay, I ''ca-un't'' wait.

[ Girls Saying Good-bye ]

- Daddy, he doesn't smell at all!
- You're not gonna take
it home, and that's it!

- Oh, Daddy, you're so mean!
He's so cute.
- She's not gonna take it home.

Ah, you big meany.
I spent so much time to get him.

Ahh, baby.

[ Chattering ]

It's got to be done

Remember the key:
recollection and memory.

- Get her talking about
how her and Daddy first met.
- And their first date.

- Find out about that first date.
- [M Miss Inch ] Sharon!

- That's you now.
- Oh, yes, coming.

Now, look, the most important
thing: you must bring Mother
to California.

Boston is no place
to rekindle a romance.

[M Miss Inch ]
Sharon McKendrick!

Good-bye, girls.
Good-bye. Sharon McKendrick.

Your chauffeur's waiting
for you, dear, Now hurry,

The punishment was harsh,
I know, putting you two girls together,

but you've survived it,
and I hope you've both learned
something from the eXperience.

- Oh, boy, you'd be surprised,
Miss Inch.
- [ Chuckles ]

Yes. Well, good-bye, Sharon.
See you neXt summer.

Good-bye, Miss Inch.
Oh, uh...

I ''ca-un't'' tell you
how very much
I've enjoyed my stay.

I ''sha-un't'' tell my ''au-unt''
about the ''au-unts''-- uh, ants,

nor the debutantes,
shall I?

[ Chuckles ]

- What did you do to your hair?
- Oh, I cut it. It was too hot long.

- You wait till your grandmother
sees what you've done.
- Hmph.

[M Car Door Closes ]

Miss Lockness, Betina,
upstairs, third door to the left.

Oh, what's her name?

[M Car Door Closes ]

[ Sighs ]
Oh, well here goes nothin'.


[M Woman ]
For the white wine--
and with the meat,

Do we have any more of--
[M Muttering ]

I think we better have
cloakroom tickets
for the ladies' wraps as well,

Oh, Rosa, I want all the gilt
chairs in the music room, and do
see that they're well dusted.

- [M Maid ] Mrs, McKendrick,
you asked me to remind you--
- Oh,yes,yes,yes,

Do see that the maids
keep absolutely quiet
during the music,

If they must empty
the ash trays, tell them
to do it without clinking.

- I'll see to it.
- I want those Steinways at the
north end of the music room,

- Have you checked about delivery?
- I'll see about it right now.

- Now, I'll tell you what.
- Well, you're home from camp, are you?

- Hello, Miss Lockness.
- Did you bring home all your
underwear and personal things?

- Yes, it's in my luggage.
Staimes has it.
- It's probably full of germs.

- What have you done to your hair?
- Do you like it?

Wait till your grandmother
sees what you've done.

Who is that
I hear out there?

Is that my little girl?

The tall, gangly thing?

- Hi, Grandfather.
- Hello, sweetheart.

Oh, my, my, my.

Oh, well, well, well.
Let me look at you.
[ Chuckles ]

Have you had--
Well, what's the matter, dear?

- I'm just happy to see you.
- Ah, and I'm happy to see you too.

I'll tell you,
your grandpa missed you
around here.

You know, it was an awful--
[ Stammering ]
Wait a minute.

- Wait, wait.
What are you doing?
- Making a memory.

- Making a memory?
- Mm-hmm.

All my life, years from now
when I'm quite grown up,

I'll remember my grandfather
and how he always smelled of--

[ Sniffing ]
tobacco and peppermint.

Smelled of tobacco and pepper--
[ Chuckling ]

Well, I'll tell you what.
I use the peppermint
for my indigestion,

and the tobacco--
[ Clears Throat ]
to make your grandmother mad.

[ Laughing ]

Sharon! Sharon!

Welcome home, darling,

- Mother!
- Oh, darling. It's so good
to have you home.

Let me take a look at--

What on earth have you done
to your hair?

- I cut it.
- Well, that's certainly obvious.

I thought there
was something different.

Well, what's done is done.
At least it'll grow again.

What's the matter, Sharon?

Are those tears I see?

I can't help it, Mother.

- If only you knew.
- Knew what?

Why, Sharon.
When did you get back?

- Hi, Granny.
- She just arrived.
Doesn't she look wonderful?

Ye-- My dear child,
what have you done to your hair?

- She cut it.
- Well, I had to because--

If my opinion means anything
in this house, which I doubt,
I like it short the way it is.

- Charles, stop burbling.
- I haven't burbled in years and--

Go down to your office
and read your newspaper.

See you at dinner.

- Bye.
- Oh, now really, Mother,
it doesn't look so bad.

It's hoydenish.
Are you a boy or a girl?
Make up your mind.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's a present
I brought for you.

We made it--
I mean, I made it,
especially for you.

Thank you, dear.
What is it?

It's a bird cage
made out of popsicle sticks.

- Oh, come on upstairs with me
while I finish getting dressed.
- See you later.

[ Chuckles ]

- Did you make some
nice friends at camp?
- Oh, yes, one girl in particular.

- Who is she?
- Oh,just a girl.

- From Boston?
- No,just a girl from someplace.

My goodness,
you're beautiful.

[ EXhales ]
Well, what's the matter?

You're staring at me as if
you'd never seen me before.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just happy you're here
and that you're you.

Well, I'm happy that you're here
and you're you.

Now, be a good girl,
fasten me up.

- Did you miss me?
- Mm-hmm. Did you miss me?

[ Chuckles ]
You'll never know.

I'll see you at the Somerset
Club after my garden club
meeting. Stand up, child.

Don't slouch. I hope you
haven't picked up bad habits
at that camp of yours.

- Keep your shoulders straight.
See you at the Somerset, Margaret.
- Yes, Mother.

Now-- Well,
what's the frown for?

I just got back and you've got all
those meetings and things.

Well, I thought we could spend
the day together and talk.

Oh, we have the whole weekend
to talk. And you know that
I cannot cancel the Red Cross.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]
Well, what I have to say can wait.

Yes, dear?

I just wanted to have
a little woman-to-woman
talk with you about Stafford.

Who's Stafford?

Oh, this boy I met at camp.
I just wanted your advice
on something.

Yes? On what?

Well, uh...

I wanted you to tell me
how long you waited
before you got married.


- Oh, Lockness.
- Yes, Miss Margaret?

Please tell my mother that I
won't be able to meet her, and
cancel all of my appointments.

- Cancel them?
- Yes. Something very
important has come up.

Yes, Miss Margaret.

Sharon, what
I'm trying to say is that
the decision to marry...

is something best considered
after you've lived
a little bit longer.

Mother, you're perfectly right.
Stafford was much
too juvenile for me.

Well, thank goodness
for that.

- To be perfectly frank with you,
the old zing just wasn't there.
- Zing?

You know, the charge that shoots
up your spine when you meet
the one man you wanna marry.

Like when you met Daddy.

[ Sighs ]
What was Daddy like?

Well... I don't know how
we got around to him.

Is it terribly painful for you
to talk about Daddy?

No. Why should it be?

I don't know.

Well, I thought, maybe
when you've been in love
with somebody once,

well, the recollection
and memory might be bitter--
bitterly painful.

Oh, Sharon, that was
many, many years ago.
Don't dramatize it.

Where did he take you
on your very first date?

He-- He took me to dinner.

It was an Italian restaurant.
One of those down in those
old basements in New York.

It was called Mar--

- Martinelli's?
- Yes,


- You said there was music.
- Uh-huh.

- What song did they play?
- Song?

Oh, there must've been a song.
You know, the old ''They're
playing our song'' type of thing.

Oh. Well, if there was,
I wouldn't remember it.

- It was much too long ago.
- Oh.


? La-di-dom
La-di ?

? La-di
La-di-dom ?

? La-da ?

? Though time may tatter?

? Our first sweet thrill ?

 It doesn't matter 

? It never will ?

? La-di-dom
La-di ?


? La-di
La-di-dom ?

? La-da  

[M People Chattering ]


- Hi, peanut.
- Hi, Dad.

- Well, how was the camp?
- Fine.

- No broken bones or anything?
- Mm-mm.

No. Come on,
let's get the bags, honey.

- Here's my baggage check.
- Oh, boy, are you
still biting your nails?

Oh, you noticed.
She told me that you--

- [ Chuckles ]
- What?


Well, I certainly did enjoy
all those nice long,
newsy letters, yes, sir.

Oh, that.
Well, we meant to write,

but we just got so tied up
with-- with plans and things,
you know, well we--

- Who's ''we''?
- Uh, uh.

Us. I mean, I.

Oh, us, There was
a very nice girl there,

We became quite
good friends.

Oh, that's mine.
That's my... bag.


Glad to be home, huh?

It's wonderful.
Were you lonely while I was gone?

- I cried myself to sleep every
night about the first week--
- No, no, seriously.

Well, seriously,
I got to play golf every day.
I played poker at night.

I wish I could find
one of these camps where
they keep you all winter.

- Ho-ho.
- Ho-ho.

It's good to have
you home, goofy.

Uh, Susie, there's, uh...
been a lot of things
happening since you left.

And I think we ought to have
a little quiet talk sometime.

- Oh, sure. I have some things
I wanna talk over with you too.
- Oh, you have, huh?

- Mm-hmm, but not now.
- Okay.

Now I just wanna think
about getting home
and being with my father.

My very ''o-own fa-ather''.

''O-own fa-ather''?

- [ Chuckles ] Father.
- Father.

[ Horn Honking ]

Oh, Daddy,
it's beautiful!

Well, it's just about the same.
You didn't think it was
gonna change, did ya? Hecky!

- [M Man ] Ho!
- Look.

Ah, shoo, shoo.
What have you got there
with ya, Mitch?

- Hi, Hecky.
- How are you, darlin'?

What'd you have to
bring this kid back for?
I thought we got rid of her.

Well, she was hanging
around the airport, I thought
I might as well get her,

- [ Mock Chuckle ]
How was camp?
- Oh, swell.

For heaven sakes,
it's about time. We've been
waitin' for you all day!

- Hi, Verbena.
- Never mind that ''hi''talk,
You just give me a hug,

Oh. Hello, honey.
Let me get a look at you.

Ya-- Ya know, there--
there's a change in you.

Just the same
as I always was.

No. No, you're not. I--

- [ Growling ]
- Not quite sure what it is,

- Hi, Andromeda.
- [ Barking ]

- Stop that, Andromeda!
What's wrong with you?
- [M Growling ]

You crazy dog.
It's Susie, ya silly.

Well, it's almost as if
your own dog didn't know you.

[ Chuckles ]
Funny, isn't it?

Uh, dogs are
funny things.

Well, I guess I'll go up to my room
and put some of those--

- Come on, we'll get you unpacked
while you tell me about camp,
- Coming.

Tell me about all the things you
did at that camp, I wanna get
that laundry of yours too,

-Come down when you get through.
Somebody I want you to meet.
-All right.

- Be down in a minute.
- [M Woman ] Hello, darling,

Mitch, I was wondering when
you'd get back, I was beginning
to get so bored sitting here,

Well, did you tell her
anything about us?

- Good to be home again?
- Sure is.

Verbena, there's
a woman downstairs.

There is indeed.

Well, who is she?
What is she doing here?

I'm not saying a word.
I mind my own business.

EXcept if he wants to make
a ninny of himself, that's his
affair. I don't say a word.

- Well, how did she get here?
- It's none of my never mind.

I don't say a word.

EXcept a man like your father
with a grown daughter
going on    --

He's not what
you'd call one of those...
''charm fellows''...

with a big, teethy grin
and-- and a lot of
artistic clever talk.

- What does a young girl
like her see in him?
- I don't know.

I'll give you a million reasons
and he's got 'em right in the bank.

[ Sighs ]
''It was always thus.''

What was always thus?

I'm not sayin' a word.

I'm not one to talk
about anybody behind their back.

But she's good.
She's awful good.

Those cool blue eyes
lookin' right through you.
Calm, that one.

Go ridin' together, swimmin' together,
out to dinner every night.

But it's none of my business,
understand, That's why
I'm not sayin'a word,

Not one single word.
Besides, I don't think
you oughta talk about people--

Hi, Susie. We were
just talking about you.
Uh, this is Miss Robinson.

- How do you do?
- Hello, darling.

I've been looking
forward to meeting you
for just weeks now.

From the way your father talked,
I eXpected a little girl,
but you're practically a woman.

- I'm nearly    .
- Say, I think I'll go and make
martinis. You want one?

- Oh, I'd love one.
- Uh, how about you, honey?
You want root beer, ginger ale?

- Could I have a ginger ale?
- Sure. You get acquainted.
I'll be just a minute.

- Your father tells me you were
at camp, dear. Was it fun?
- Yes, it was lovely. Thank you.

You know, ever since
I met your father, it's been
''Susan this'' and ''Susan that.''

You're obviously very
good friends, and I think
that's just wonderful.

I can, uh, tell you
something else too
if you can keep a secret.

- From whom?
- From your father.

Oh, then you
better not tell me.

Daddy and I don't keep secrets
from one another.

We tell each other

Oh, well, no, dear.
It wasn't that kind of a secret.

I just wanted to confide in you
that I find him a very special,
wonderful kind of person.

Well,just between us,

he's not too brilliant
or clever with what he says,

you know, like the ''charm fellows''
we all adore so.

We were riding the other day.
Your father let me ride Schotzli.

I understand
she's your horse,

I hope you don't mind
my riding her.

Oh, no.

Schotzli and I are used
to strange women riding her.

- What?
- Oh, you know Daddy.

He's always
playing the field.

- No, I didn't know.
- Oh, yes.

Every week mostly,
he has some different
dame up here.

One week,
I'll never forget,

he had five
different women up here.

- You don't say.
- Of course, it's none
of my business...

if he wants to make a ninny
of himself with all those women.

That's why I'm not saying
a word. Not one single word.

Here you are.
Now, did you two
get to know each other?


We had a lovely
little talk.

[ Alarm Ringing ]

- [ Ringing ]
- Hello?

- [ Operator]
Miss Susan Evers?
- Yes, this is her.

- [ Operator] Go ahead, please.
- Sue, it's Sharon. How's everything?

Ooh, Mother's the absolute
living end! She's gorgeous.
Just breathtaking!

- I got to talk to you
about their first date.
- Susan--

-Italian dinner, drippy candles,
checkered tablecloth--
-Susan, will you listen?

Ooh, I got their song.
It goes like this.
? For now, for always ?

- Susan, I've got
something to tell you.
- ? La-la, la-la, la--  

- Susan!
- What?

We're in trouble.
You'll have to bring
Mother out immediately.

No! Holy smokes,
I just had one day with her.
I hardly got to know her at all.

- Susan, it's an emergency.
There's a woman out here.
- Huh?

Her name's Vicky,
and she's beautiful.

Oh, is that all? Don't be silly.
Dad'd never get serious.

But he's serious about this one.
He's trying to get Vicky and me
to be friends. She's dangerous.

Well, bust it up,
for heaven sakes!

Follow him wherever he goes
and submarine her!

-You've got to tell Mother
and come out here to help!
-I want some more time with her.

- You've had her for     years,
and I just got here!
- Susan!

I won't! Do the best
you can and stay on
Daddy's tail. That's all!

- Susan, please.
- I won't give up Mother
this soon and that's final!

- Good-bye.
- Susan.

[ Sighs ]

I'm glad you could come along
today, honey, because there's
something I wanna talk about.

- It's kind of important.
- Oh, what is it?

- Well, you know the girl
you met at the house, Vicky?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I thought that we ought
to be alone a little while
so we could talk.

- Well, I wanted to talk to you
about something too, Dad.
- Oh? Okay, go ahead.

All those weeks at camp,
I've been wondering about my mother.

You what? What do you
wanna start wondering about
something like that for?

Well, it's a perfectly
natural thing for a girl
to do. Where is she?

Well, I don't know where she is.
How should I know?

- Last thing I heard, she went
to Spain and married some drunk.
- Daddy, that's not true. Stop.

All right. I lost track.
You wouldn't like her anyway, hon.

She's-- These big staring eyes
and red frizzy hair.

And besides,
she was fat, really fat.

Then why did you
fall in love with her?

Well, you know, you lose
your head sometimes.

Besides that--
Wait just a minute.

Hey, Fletcher, play on through.
I'll pick you up at the bar.

Well, sit down.

[ Clears Throat ] Honey, you
don't wanna start thinkin' about
your mother all of a sudden.

There's a-- Well,
there's no need for that.

You can always come and
talk to me about anything.
You always have.

Well, it's not the same.
Well, father and daughter is okay.

But when a girl gets
to a certain age,

that's when she really
misses her mother.

I mean, uh--

Oh, you mean the talk
about... certain things?

- Yeah.
- That?

[ Inhales ] I guess
we never have just sat down and
talked about that, have we?

Well, this is kind of
an odd place, but I guess
it's as good as any.

Um-- Well, we might as well
get it over with. Uh--

- How-- How much do you
know now already?
- About what?

- About what you were
just talking about?
- Nothing. Absolutely nothing!

- Nothing?
- Well, you never brought up
the subject and I wondered why.

[ Inhales, EXhales ]

Well, honey, um--

All right, we oughta get
straight on one thing first;
that's little boys.

How-- See, I know
how they are because...

- being a man I used to be
a little boy once, so I know.
- I don't know what--

Take my word for it because I
used to be a little boy one time
and I know! I know about it.

[ Chuckles ]

- You're too funny for words.
- What do you mean, ''funny''?

Well, I've known about
all that for simply years.

Well, what the heck were
we just talking about then?

Well, what were you
talking about?

Well, uh--

[ Sighs ]
I think I better go and putt out.

There's the
little beast now.

Why, she's nothing
but a child.

She's a conniving, vicious,
little two-faced brat.

Just smile, pet.

Think of California and that
wonderful community property law...

and just smile,

- Hi.
- Hello, Mitch, darling.

- Hi, Edna.
- Who is this ecstatic,
bright-eyed child?

- Oh, Mitch, this couldn't be--
- Sure, that's Susie.

- Honey, this is Vicky's mother,
Mrs. Robinson.
- How do you do?

- This angelic girl? This is
the one you call ''peanut face''?
- Oh, Daddy, really.

Now, you come right over here
to your Auntie Edna...

and you and I are gonna
get to know one another.
[ Giggles ]

Come on, I wanna hear
all about ya. Down ya go.

- Hi.
- Did you tell her?

- [M Edna Chattering Nonstop ]
- Well, I started to, and
I don't know what happened.

- Oh, Mitch, for--
- All right,just let me do it
in my own way. All right?

Now, it's all settled,

Susan and I have decided
we're all gonna have
a darling lunch right here.

Edna, I'm sorry. I don't think
we can today. I promised to
spend the whole day with Susie.

- We've got some stuff planned,
you know?
- Ahh.

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.
Another time, dear.

[ Chuckles ]
You're an adorable thing!

Come on, Susie, We'll get
the horses, We're gonna
take a ride down the beach,

- Have fun.
- Bye, darling.

First change I make in that
household, off she goes to a
boarding school in Switzerland.

Honey, listen, uh...
I've been meaning to ask you,
what do you think of Vicky?

Uh... in what respect?

Well, uh,,, it's just
an ordinary question,

No, it's not.
You ask me what I think of Vicky.

Well, what do I think
of Vicky as what?

I mean, if you ask me
what did I think of her
as a fashion model...

or a famous aviatrix
or something,

then maybe I'd express
some sort of opinion,
but just to ask--

[ Clears Throat ]
All right. Uh...

what do you think of Vicky
as a person?

[ Chuckles ]
Well, Daddy, I really couldn't say.

She's a perfect stranger
to me.

- Beat you back to the house!
- Hey, wait a minute, Susie. Susie!

Hey, I'm not through
talkin' to you!

[M Car Horn Honks ]

Hi, darling.

- Hi.
- Hello, sweetie.

[ Sighs ]

He can't.
He just can't.

Oh, it just makes me so mad,

A man of his age!

All the work and the plans!


You used to
confide in me.

Anything you wanna
talk over with me?


You wouldn't like to
tell me why Andromeda
never comes near ya?

[ Chuckles ]

Or why suddenly
your appetite's changed?

[ Chuckles ]
Dear Verbena, you are a mystic.

I'm no mystic.

Well, asking me
all these crazy questions.

Gee, I don't know
what you're getting at.

You know what
I'm talking about. There--

There's something
very strange about you.

Are you sure there isn't
anything you wanna tell me?

What do you want me
to tell you?

Well, I don't know.
It's... almost as if you were--

No, that's impossible.

Almost as if I were who,

Oh, forget it, honey.
Never mind.

You mean Sharon?

Where did you hear
about her?

Oh, Verbena.

I've got to tell someone.
But you gotta swear
never to tell Daddy.


Now, darling,
try to be diplomatic.

- Honey, I know how
to talk to my own daughter.
- Calmly.

- She's     years old.
She's not eXactly insensitive.
- Good luck.


Oh, hi, Dad.

-Just getting back?
- Uh-huh. Now,just a minute.
I wanna talk to you.

- You didn't know what a good
thing you had when you had it.
- Huh?


-   [ Piano ]
- Now, why'd you go
running off like that?

- I told you I wanted to talk
to you about something.
- I'm listening.

- Get comfortable.
- [ Clears Throat ]
I am comfortable.

What do you want?

Well, first of all,
honey, about me.

Now, oh, you probably
think of me as being
just your father.

And to you,
I probably seem ancient and old.

[ Laughs ]
Not ancient, Daddy.

Well, certainly not.
I'm in my best years.

-   [ Stops ]
- Okay, don't get nervous.

Well, I'm not nervous.

-   [ Resumes ]
- Honey, what seems old to you
now isn't old when you get old.

I mean, when you get older.
That is, when you get to be my
age, it won't seem old to you.

And then
you'll probably--

- Hey, where'd you learn
how to play the piano?
-   [ Stops ]

[ Chuckles ]
They taught us at camp.

- Gee, that's awfully good.
Five weeks--
-   [ ''Chopsticks'' ]

- Could you stop now
for just a minute, please?
-   [ Stops ]

- Yeah, sure.
- Pay attention.

See, I've been wanting
to have this little talk
with you about--

What would you think
about our making Vicky...
a part of our family?

- A part of the family?
- Uh-huh.

- Um-- Oh, I think
that's a wonderful idea.
- You do?

Well, I most certainly do.
I've always wanted to have a sister.

No, no, honey. You see.
[ Laughs ]
You're missing the whole point.

- And how sweet of you
to want to adopt Vicky.
- No, baby.

I don't want to adopt her.
I wanna marry her.

- Marry her?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, Dad!

You've just
got to be kidding!

[ Sighs ]
You can't marry her.
She's just a child!

She's not a child, She's
a woman, Will you please stop
referring to her as a child?

It's all relative, Dad.
Don't you see? Compared
to her, you're an old man.

- I am not an old man!
- You are too!
It's absolutely revolting!

- Revolting?
- It's the most revolting thing
I ever heard of!. A man of--

- I'm not even gonna discuss it
with you if you don't stop shouting.
- But, Dad--

Just stop it!

All right.
I'm not screaming.

- And we'll talk about this
perfectly calmly and rationally.
- Fine.

You ''ca-un't'' get married!
You'll ruin everything.
All the plans we made!

- What are you talking about?
- The scheming and the diagrams!

And my hair! Look at my hair!
I cut it just for you!

And my fingernails, I bit them
all off just because of you!

Of all the
thick-headed fathers!

- Oh, for days and weeks and weeks!
- Come here.

Nothing but work...

and boys and names and hair and--
[ Groans ]

I don't know what's the matter
with her? I try to talk to her
and she gets hysterical.

- [M Sharon Yelling ]
- Not even making any sense now.

Let me speak to her for
a minute. Women understand
these things better.

Make yourself scarce.

- Hello, darling.
- He's making an absolute
ninny of himself.

Oh, it came as quite
a shock to you the way
he told you, didn't it?

Men put things so badly.

Can't you and I discuss this
calmly and rationally together
like grown-up women?

Oh, I'm sure we can.
You're not afraid to come over
here and talk to me, are you?

I'm not afraid to talk
to anybody.

You're a big girl now, Susan.
You're old enough
to understand...

that wonderful, delicate mystery
that happens sometimes
between a man and a woman.

I know what wonderful,
delicate mystery
Daddy sees in you.

And I can't say I blame
him there, either. You're
very nicely put together.

Your father
underestimates you, I think.

I'm sure you won't,
will you, Vicky?

[ Chuckles ]

Susan, dear,
you've had him to yourself
all this time...

and I can understand
that suddenly to have
another woman around,

well, it's
a tremendous intrusion.

But all my life it seemed
I've hoped and waited
for someone like him.

Someone gentle and mature,
rough-edged but quick to laugh,

someone understanding
and wise,

All the things that I've come
to love and cherish in him.

- Well, that's very refreshing.
- Why, dear?

Most girls just run after Daddy
because he's so wealthy.

Are you inferring that
I'd marry your father for his money?

If the shoe fits, wear it.

Look, pet, I've tried
to be friendly,

but I'm gonna marry your father,
so you get used to the idea.

You wanna bet?

Oh, honey, don't you play
with the big girls.

You'll be in
way over your head.

[M Walking Up The Stairs ]

- Operator.
- Gimme Western Union, please.

For Sharon?
A child of her age
getting a telegram?

Well, don't stand there,
daughter. Let her read it.
It belongs to her.

- But who would possibly
be sending her a telegram?
- [ Groans ]

[ Chuckles Nervously ]

[ Clears Throat ]

- [ Chuckles ]
- [M Margaret ] Sharon?

''Alexander Graham   a,m, ''


Who could she possibly know
in California?

Uh... Bertha Watterbury.
This girl I met at camp.
Sensational girl.

It's a rather cryptic message.
What does it mean?

Well, she's crazy about
this boy AleXander.

And he took her on a very
important date till three a.m.

- I've never heard of such
a thing. A child of that age.
- Oh, Louise.

- [M Grandfather ]
We're living in a modern age,
- [M Louise Ranting ]

[ Sighs ]

- [M Phone Ringing ]
- [M Susan ] Hello?

- Miss Susan Evers?
- Speaking.

- Go ahead please.
- It's me again.

I know. Boy, did I have a time
eXplaining your telegram,

Grandmother went into
a five-minute lecture on raising
children? What's wrong now?

I told you what to do,

You've got to believe me,
it's an emergency.
I'm in this horrible trouble.

- Now, don't dramatize it.
- I'm not, stupid.
This time it's serious.

- It's the worst thing
that could happen.
- You mean it's gone that far?

- At a time like this, I think
Mother ought to be here.
- Okay.

- Tomorrow morning I'll break
the bomb. See ya soon?
- How's Mother?

- Fine.
- Kiss her for me and Grandpa.

Okay, bye.

Hi, Grandpa.

Hi... Susan.

- Susan?
- Yeah--
[ Stammering ]

Sit down. Sit down.

I think you and I
ought to have a little chat.

Don't you?

[ Chuckles Nervously ]

Oh, and we've got the Picasso
eXhibition at  :   Margaret.
We don't wanna miss that.

- Oh, no.
- Are you coming, Charles?

- No, thank you.
- Then we should get out in time
for Mrs. Saunders' tea.

- Oh, Caroline's daughter's coming.
- Oh, really?

Now, Sharon, you've got
your dancing lesson at    :  .

Then you can go straight on
to the musical appreciation
at the Leonardo Hall,

- Oh, Staimes can drive her
in your car, Charles?
- Yes, yes. [ Stammering ]

- Now at  ::  --
- I don't think I'll be able
to do any of those today.

What did you say?

Sharon, you interrupted
your grandmother.

Well, I have something
important to tell you.

Mother-- Mother, I think
what you and Daddy did to us
children is lousy!

- In fact, I think it stinks!
- Sharon!

And let's get this straight.
I'm not Sharon, I'm Susan!

- Sharon, your Sharon, is out
at California with Daddy.
- But it's impossible!

- You can't be Susan.
- But I am Susan!

Sharon and I met at camp,
so we decided to switch places.

She bit off her fingernails
and I cut her hair.

And now she's out at California
with Dad swimming and riding my
horse and having a keen time,

and I'm stuck here
with these lousy music lessons
and I hate them!


Oh, I'm sorry, Mother.

But I wanted to see you,
and I miss not having a mother.

I love you very much,
and I wondered...

if you could love me as me
and not as Sharon, please?

Oh, Susan.

Oh, my darling.

Why didn't you let me know?
Why didn't you tell me?

I couldn't help it.

I mean, I wanted to be near you
and to know what it was like
to have a mother and everything.

Oh, baby.

Susan, darling.

Oh, dear, let me look at--
She's eXactly--

- I know. I can't believe it.
- Oh, baby. Louise?

- What is it?
- It's wonderful. Oh, darling.

-[M Susan ] We talked about it at camp
and decided it would be the best thing,
- Louise?

- What is it?
- It's most important.

- Well, what is it?
- I just thought they ought to be
alone for a minute, that's all.

She's Margaret's child.
She hasn't seen her since
she was one year old.

- Well, I'm her grandmother!
I have a right to--
- L-L-Louise.

For once I'm putting
my foot down. Let them alone.

I've tried, Mother.
Honestly, I have,
but I don't understand.

Darling, it doesn't mean
that your father and I
didn't love each other.

But sometimes even when people
think a lot about each other,

they sometimes just
don't get on together.

So you're gonna have to
switch us back again, huh?

Well, legally,
you belong to your father
and Sharon belongs to me.

His and hers.
Makes me feel like a bathroom towel.

[ Sighs ]
It's lousy, isn't it?

But don't worry.
We'll find a way.

- A siX-month split. That's
how it's gonna end up.
- A what?

Oh, a lot of kids in camp
have that problem too.

SiX months with one parent.
SiX months with the other.

[ Chuckles ]
Like a yo-yo.

Oh, I don't like it anymore
than you do, darling.

But don't worry.
I'm not gonna lose you now.

- Oh, Bettina, would you
put this in your case?
- May I come in?

- Of course, Dad.
- Well, I have you and Susan
on the noon plane.

- That doesn't give us very much time.
- Best I can do on short notice.

- Well, thank you.
- Traffic's pretty heavy these days.

Are you, uh-- Are you
wearing that dress
on the trip, are you?

- What's wrong with it?
- Oh, it's very nice. Very nice.

Give my best to Mitch when
you see him. I wonder what
kind of a wife he has now.

- Oh, who said he's married?
- Well, a vital romantic
fellow like Mitch,

it's a cinch he'd find
himself a nice young wife.

Well, I certainly hope
that she likes to sleep in the
great outdoors and scale fish.

Yeah, now, no
sour grapes now.

- Oh, Bettina, would you see
if you can find my blue skirt?
- Yes, ma'am.

You know, Margaret, I've got to
hand it to you for one thing.
I've got to give you credit.

It certainly shows strength
of character not to go with the
new fashion trends in clothes.

All right, Dad,
now what are you trying to get at?

Oh, no, I was just saying,
you know-- I'm just saying that.
And take your hairstyle.

- What's wrong with my hair?
- That's what I mean.

Women nowadays are wearing
their hair a little differently.
A little fuller, maybe.

All right, Dad, are you
looking for a fight?

With my favorite daughter?
Not on your life. Now,
now, don't get me wrong.

My goodness.
Well, you know, you are
what you are.

Now, God love you,
I wouldn't want to
change you for the world.

- Who said anything about changing?
- That's what I say.

- Stay the way you are.
- Well, I certainly intend to.

A nice, reliable, settled,
comfortable woman...

who accepts the coming of age
with grace and dignity.

Why, that's the most
horrible thing that anybody
could possibly say!

There you are,
you're flying off the handle.

And all I came in here for
was to kiss you good-bye
and wish you good luck.

[ Chuckles ]
Good-bye, daughter, huh.

- Good-bye!
- Give my regards to Mitch, huh?

You know, come to think
of it, that dress seems
just perfect for you.

- Hi, Mother. I'm all packed.
What time do we go?
- On the noon plane.

We haven't got very much time.
Have you got everything
we wanted for Sharon?


Um, how'd you like to stop over
in New York for a few days?


Well, I thought that
we might do some shopping
before we head West.

Hey, we got a nice
little calf there, Mitch.

[M Cows Mooing ]

What's eatin' you?

Ya ever get that funny feeling like
something's gonna happen?

Like a storm brewin'?

No. Come on.

Verbena! Verbena,
we're here! Sharon!

Verbena, we're here!

Come on, Mother.
Shall I help you with--

- Oh, darling.
- Verbena. How are you?

Mrs. Evers. You just look wonderful.
Here, let me take your things.

- Let me take 'em inside.
Hello, darling.
- Hello, Verbena. How are you?

- Oh, I'm fine. But we've missed you.
- How's Andromeda and Schotzli?

- That's $ .  .
- Thank you very much.
Keep the change.

Come on, Mother.

Can't wait to get you
inside and show you how
lovely everything is.

- Oh, it was just wonderful.
- Oh, fine.

- Mother! Oh,
I'm so glad you came.
- Sharon! Oh, darling.

Oh! You look wonderful!
What'd you do to yourself?

- Do you like it?
- Oh, I love it.

Oh, darling.

Finally, both of you
together at last.

- What do you think of each other?
- Fine.

- We love each other.
- Hi, Sue.

- Hi,
- [ Laughing ]

Oh, and just look at you.
That short hair.

- I cut it, Mother.
- You know, I like it.

Oh, and I love yours,

- Where's your father?
- Oh, he's out somewhere on a horse.

Are we in time?

- Time?
- Didn't you tell her?

Tell me what?

- Well--
- Dad's getting married.

Well-- When is all this
taking place?

Saturday, supposedly.

She just sort of
infiltrated, Mother.

And before you knew it,
Dad was hooked.

If you ask me, Mr. Evers is slipping
into his second childhood.

Oh, your father is old enough to
know what he's doing. Shall we
go upstairs and get unpacked?

- I'm just dying to get into a hot
shower after that long plane trip.
- [ Chattering ]

- Want a beer?
- Yeah, I'll be in in a minute.

You know, I don't say a word,
not a single word.

But the things that Vicky woman
has been up to, well, really--
Oh, well, I--

-   [ Whistling ]
- Hi, Dad!

Oh, well. Hi.
Look who's talking to me?

- Why shouldn't I talk to you?
- Oh, come on, do--

- I can get married anytime
I want to, you got that?
- Yeah.

Don't stand there
and pretend you don't know
what I'm talking about...

after you've been
walking around like a mummy
for two days.

Yes, you, me,
two days, nothing.

- Remember?
- Oh.

Oh, yeah, you and--
[ Sighs ]

I guess I have been acting
sort of sulky lately.

Sulky? Ha! Well, that's
the understatement of the year.

You haven't been sulky.

You've been plain impossible!
You've been monstrous!

Now, pouting is childish.
You're much too old for that.

And not speaking to someone
because you're mad at them
is just plain-- it's, uh--

- Feminine.
- Yes, feminine.
And she's absolutely right.

- And that's the worst part
of being feminine too.
- [M Doorbell Rings ]

The doorbell's ringing.

Yeah, well.
Oh, listen, now.

That's the minister
and Miss Robinson and you're to
be polite to them, understand?

Here. Come here.

- Hello.
- Hello, darling.

Oh, Mitch. Mitchell,
I want you to meet Dr. Mosby.

- Dr, Mosby, Mitchell Evers,
the groom,
-[M Dr, Mosby ] How do you do?

Oh, how beautiful!

Isn't this lovely?
So masculine.

Mitch, it needs
a woman's touch.

[ Gasps ]
There's that angelic
creature again.

- [M Vicky ] Hello, Susan?
How are you today?
- Fine. Thank you.

This is the Reverend Mosby,
dear. He's going to conduct
the marriage ceremony.

- How do you do?
- How do you do, my dear?

- I gotta go up and change.
EXcuse me for just a minute, please.
- Certainly.

Say, how'd you like to be
hostess for a few minutes?

[ Whispering ]
And be polite.

  [ Whistling ]

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.

- There's some people
downstairs. Did you know?
- Yeah, I know.

  [ Whistling ]

  [ Stops ]

Your grandfather sends his love.
And your grandmother does too
and she's fine.

- She's downstairs.
Do you wanna see her?
- Who, Vicky?

- Mm-hmm.
- No, thanks. I've seen her.

Well, I haven't.

-Hey, Susie, uh--
-Did you want something, Daddy?

No, honey, never mind.

Mother, this is my wedding.
You've had four.

- Why didn't you make
some drinks, Vicky?
- We were waiting for you.

- Let's have something, huh, Edna?
- Anything you have.

- The usual, darling.
- Reverend, I don't
suppose you indulge?

Oh. Well, uh, perhaps
a little something
by way of a nuptial toast.


Bourbon, double,
on the rocks.

- Yes, sir.
- [M Edna ] Vicky,
I know this is your wedding,

but think how
an outdoor ceremony
will look in the newspapers,

I'm inclined to agree
with you, Mrs. Robinson.

You know, the Marco-Dennisons
had their wedding...

- under a striped awning tent,
- Ohh.

last month it was,
and the atmosphere
was ideally apropos,

there in God's natural setting,
under the trees.

Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

- Oh, Mitchy--
- Upsa-daisy, darling.

[ All Chattering At Once ]


Edna, I think your idea
about having the wedding
outside is wonderful.

- I forgot about the beautiful
trees we have out there.
- [ Chattering ]

The procession starts
from the house. Vicky
comes down the walk.

Now, Dr, Mosby and I could be
right here and we could put
lights out over the lake,

Nothing could be
more perfect.

Look at all those trees
just waiting for--

- Hurry.
- Get hold of him. Grab him.

- All right, I've got him.
- Mitchell, don't drown!
We're gonna be married!

- Pull him up!
- Gimme your hand, quick!

- Mitch, darling.
[ Shouting ]
- Yes, I'm all right.

- You're all wet, for Pete's sake.
- Yes, I'm all right!

- I'll be back in just a minute.
- [M Vicky ] No need to shout,

- We were only worried,
- That way I can get out
of the-- Well,just, wait--

- Mitch.
- Maggie.

- How are you?
- Oh, fine, thanks. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.
Gee, you look-- You look--

- I got a flock of people out there!
- Don't start yelling!

- Will you tell me
what you're doing here?
- Let me explain!

[M Mitch ]
What in the world
if she sees you?

Will you just keep quiet
a minute, I'll tell you!

Well, what are you
doin' here?

If you'll just stop screaming
at her, she'll eXplain, Dad.

[ Together]

That's what I was
trying to tell you.

Both of'em?


The two of them together?
I can't-- Maggie,
how'd it happen?

We met at camp,
and then the whole thing
just sort of came out.

- They switched places on us.
- [M Mitch ] They what?

Sue came to Boston
to be with me.

- You mean this is Sharon?
- [M Margaret ] Uh-huh,

- I had Sharon all this time?
- Yeah,

- Well--
- You're Sharon?

I wanted to know what
you were like and Susan
wanted to meet Mother.

You are Sharon.
[ Laughing ]

- You were only a tiny
little baby when I--
- You're not mad, are you, Daddy?

No, no, sweetheart.
I just can't believe it's you. That's all.

- Oh, my gosh, the trouble
I had burping you.
- Oh, Daddy, really!

No, I mean it. I spent
most of my nights walking
the floor up and down with you.

- Two o'clock feedings,
- And where was I?

Well, it was half and half.

Oh, you used up more diapers
than any ten kids.

- Daddy, diapers!
- Yes, diapers!

Look at you now.
Look at her.

Quite grown up.

- And quite without a father.
- Ah, honey--

- And I'm quite without a mother.
- Shh.

Now, girls, we'll discuss
this later on.

I want to talk to
your father now.

Come on, Sharon.
They wanna be alone.

Oh, Sharon.

Daddy-- Daddy, please
don't marry that woman.

All right, Sharon,
run along now.

Will you look at that?

I can't believe it. You know,
the last time I saw them
together they were that big,

and you had 'em in that thing
and you were pushing them
through the park.

Oh, what a time for you
to show up,just when
I'm gonna get married.

I didn't know, Mitch,
honest. Sharon told me
when I got here.

That girl is my fiancee and--

I know. I saw her.

All right...
let's have it.

I think she's adorable.

Well, sure you do.
EXcept for what?

I think she's
a perfect dream.

Of course, her eyes
are a little too close together,
if you don't mind that.

Maggie, don't try those
old, worn-out tricks on me.
They don't work anymore.

Now, will you just
go on upstairs and put
on something decent?

- I'm perfectly decent.
- Oh, sure, running around
in my bathrobe!

That looks great. She's liable
to come in and see you in that.
It looks like we just--

- Like we what?
- You just go upstairs and put
on some clothes, that's all!

Don't you use that tone
of voice with me. We're not
married anymore, remember?

But this is my house! You're
not gonna go running around
in it dressed in that thing!

I'll do anything that
I please and don't start
ordering me around!

Maggie, I'm warning you for
the last time, now go upstairs
and put on some clothes--

Don't try force on me.
I lammed you once and I can do it--

- Now, stand back.
- Now, Maggie. Maggie.

Don't start that,
will you? Come on.

- Mitch, take your hands off me.
Now let me alone.
- [ Groaning ]

- I'm warning you!
- [ Moans ]

- [ Gasps ] Oh.
- Ow! Why did you
have to do that?

Oh, Mitch, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.

Why do you have
to get so physical?

Can't even talk to you about
anything. You're always trying
to belt me with something.

- That's the most vicious thing.
- Oh, Mitch, now
it can't be that bad.

- It's typical of you.
It is too that bad. It hurts.
- Let me see it.

- Leave it alone.
You've done enough.
- Help me here. Open up.

- Let me see.
- Don't-- Don't hand open it.

- Ow! Oh, now you did it.
- Oh, Mitch.

Stop acting like a big baby.
Now, I didn't get a good look at it.

- I want a doctor to look at it.
- Don't be ridiculous.
You're worse than the twins.

Mr. Evers? Mr. Evers?
The ladies were wondering--

Oh, eXcuse me.

- Oh!
- Reverend.

Now, wait just a minute, sir.
There's nothing wrong here.

Listen-- Listen.

Nothing wrong at all.
It's not anything like
you were thinking.

It's very easy to eXplain.
You see, sir, this is my wife.


- How do you, madam?
- Rev. Mosby, my wife.

How do you do?

- Then what about--
- Oh, no. EX-wife.

She came out here
all of a sudden, very uneXpectedly...

to discuss some little miX-up that
we had about the children.

While we were discussing it, I
merely suggested she go and put
on something decent because--

What am I telling you all this for?
It's none of your darn business.

Well, don't snap at him so.
He didn't ask for an eXplanation.

You're the one who's babbling
on as if there were...
something to hide.

- Dr. Mosby isn't at all shocked
seeing me like this, are you?
- Of course he's shocked.

He walks in here and you're
running around in that get-up,
climbing over me on the couch.

On the contrary, I'm not
at all shocked. I see nothing
wrong with your wife's attire.

- EX-wife.
- She's very beautiful, in fact.


You see,
I knew I liked you.

Also, Mr. Evers, you'll
find that I'm not without
a sense of humor.

- I find this situation
fraught with humor.
- [ Chuckles ]

- Quite out of the everyday,
as we say, eh?
- [ Laughing ]

Could you eXcuse us for
just a moment, Dr. Mosby?

Listen, Maggie, for once
in your life try to be
a little understanding, please?

I've got to go outside
and eXplain why you're here.

Now that-- that's
not gonna be easy.

- And I suppose
they'll want to meet me.
- I suppose that's natural.

Besides, I wanna
keep this thing honest
and above board.

Very well, then. I'll just
run upstairs and slip into
something more comfortable.

Very funny.

- Oh, Dr. Mosby,
don't you run away now.
- I'll be here.

- I'll be back in just a few minutes.
- I'll look forward to that.

A delightful woman, Mr. Evers.
However did you let her
slip away from you?

- She's simply delightful.
- [ Chuckles ]

[M Groans ]

- Why couldn't she have
checked in into a hotel?
- I told you, I didn't invite her.

- I knew something would go wrong.
- Nothing has gone wrong.

- Nothing's gone wrong?
- She was home when I got here.
She had already unpacked.

- [M Edna ]
She's going to spend the night?
- [M Vicky ] I won't have that!

Wait a minute.
You're reading implications--

Wouldn't you like to go out
and look at the garden?

- No, no, indeed.
I'm enjoying this immensely.
- You are?

Very interesting situation.
Quite out of the everyday, you know.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Yes, it sure is.

Edna, listen, I guarantee you,
by tomorrow morning--

Mitch, I will not have her
spending the night in this
house. You get rid of her.

Vicky, will you try to be
a little understanding. Now,
she is not that kind of a woman.

She's a woman.
That's enough.

Edna, she's not what you think
at all. In the first place,
she's from Boston.

- [ Chuckles ]
- She's older. She's more mature.

- Oh, yes, of course.
- She's already had two children.
She's really the motherly type.

- Vicky, I swear to you on a stack
of bibles, you've got nothing--
- [M Footsteps On Stairs ]

Hello, everybody.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Margaret McKendrick.

- Hello, hello, hello.
- Oh, hello, again,

And this must be Vicky.

Oh, you are adorable.
I'd know you anywhere
from Mitch's description.

I'm Mrs. Robinson.

Oops! Sorry, Mitch.

It could happen to anybody.
[ Chuckling ]


Oh, you are divine.
Oh, Mitch, she's simply breathtaking.

I was just thinking
the same thing about you, dear.

At my age?

Oh, you are
a sweet child.

- Mitch described you
somewhat differently.
- He certainly did.

[M Laughing ]
Uh-- Excuse me,

Of course you know what husbands
think about ex-wives,:

like an old, comfortable,
worn-out shoe cast in the closet,

Well, off with the old...

and on with the new, eh?

I must say,
you are young.

- Isn't that lucky for Mitch?
- Yes,

I was so thrilled when
I heard you were going to take
the plunge with old Mitch,

- Maggie.
- We really must celebrate
this occasion.

Mitch, darling,
be a good boy and run along
and open up some champagne.

Now, tell me all about yourself.
We really must get to be
very good friends.

No! I don't want you
to get to be very good friends!
Now, that's not the idea!

- [ Mumbling ]
- We have to be running anyway.

- Well, perhaps you'd better.
- All good things have to come
to an end, you know.

Oh, dear, what a pity.
Just as we were getting
to know each other.

So nice to have met you.

I know you won't be coming
to the wedding, but you'll see
it in the society columns.

- Never read them.
- Oh, really. What a shame.
You miss so much.

Actually, I never go
to funerals or weddings.

I prefer elopements.
They're much more romantic.

What a shame you can't stay
and have dinner with Mitch
and me and the children.

Yes, Vicky and I have
a million things to do.

You know, fittings
and odds and ends to buy.

Just charge it
to good old Mitch.
[ Whispering ] He's loaded.

- Oh? I didn't... really know.
- Oh, didn't you?

Well, good-bye,
It was so nice to have met you,

Good-bye, Vicky, darling.
You're just as cute as you can be.

[ Laughs ]


charming woman.

It's amazing how he ever
let her slip away from him.

You want me to lose my job?
Your pa'll fire me for sure.

- Oh, go on, Hecky, please?
- We're leaving tomorrow
and I've only got tonight.

- Please?
- No. I won't be any part
of a conspiracy like this.

He'll do it, or else
he'll cook his own meals
for the neXt month.

A gypsy?
[ Moans ]

[ Groans ]

Hey, uh, what happened
to dinner?

Oh, dinner's being served
on the patio tonight.

- Oh, whose idea is that?
- It's none of my never mind.
I don't say a word.

- I know, you never say a word.
- People who talk
too much talk too much.

So I don't say anything,
I mind my own business,
I've been doing that for years,

Hey, Verbena, what the
heck's all this? What--

- Don't ask questions. Go sit.
You wanna ruin everything?
- Ruin what?

- You gonna tell fortunes--
- Go sit down.
Dinner's all ready to serve.

[M Crickets Chirping ]

- [ Chuckles ]
- [M Footsteps ]

Well, what's all this?

I don't know, Don't ask me,
I just got here,
This is just my house,

- Nobody ever tells me anything
about what's going on.
- And dinner on the patio.

Was this your idea, Mitch?

No, it was not my idea.
What are you looking at?

Oh, Mitch, that eye, it just
looks dreadful. Now, really,
you must put something on it.

- Don't you concern yourself.
- What did you do, step on a rake?

No. Actually, a very well-bred
ladylike Bostonian matron
pinned it on me...

if you want
the Associated Press release on it.

Anybody I know?
Oh, Verbena.

- Sort of special for tonight.
I think you'll like it.
- [ Sniffs ]

- Smells delicious.
- Now what do you call that?

- Veal parmigiana.
- Veal--

- I hate that kind of stuff.
She knows that.
-   [M Violin ]

What do you think
you're doing?

Mitch, please,
I may go out and kill
myself, I don't know.

[M Susan ]
Hecky, come on! It's time!

- [ Laughing ]
- EXcuse me, Mitch. All right.

[M Laughter Continues ]

Mitch, please
don't laugh at this.

- What's the matter with you?
- Well, don't you see?

Ladies and gentlemen, the
management has gotten together
some entertainment for you,

Well, without... further ado,
ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce
direct from Boston...

playing Beethoven's
''Fifth Symphony'' on the piano,

Miss Sharon McKendrick.

[M Applause Stops ]

Hey, what's
all this noise?

Would you kindly get off the stage?
I'm in the middle of a concert.

A concert! Honey, you're going
to put the paying customers
to sleep with all this jazz.

You gotta get the new sounds.

  [ Strumming ]

Come on, now,
let's compromise.

You give a little. I'll give a little.
Come on, let's get together.

That's it!

? Let's get together
Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Why don't you and I combine ?

? Let's get together
What do ya say?

? We could have
a swingin' time ?

[ Together]
? We'd be a crazy team ?

? Why don't we beg to see ?

? Together
Oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Let's get together
Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

  Think of all
that we could share 

? Let's get together every day?

? Every way and everywhere ?

? And though
we haven't got a lot ?

? We could be sharing
all we've got ?

? Together?

? Oh, I really think
you're swell ?

? Uh-huh, we really
ring the bell ?

? Ooo-we, and if you
stick with me ?

? Nothin' could be greater
Say, hey, alligator?

-  Let's get together
- [ Laughing ]

? Two is twice as nice
as one ?

? Let's get together
right away?

? We'll be having
twice the fun ?

? And you can always
count on me ?

? A gruesome twosome
we will be ?

? Let's get together
Yeah, yeah, yeah  

[ Laughs ]
Oh, that was wonderful, girls!

[M Mitch Laughs ]

- Great! Great!
- Wonderful, girls, Marvelous!

- Come on down and have dinner.
- Yeah, come on, we got spaghetti,
all kinds of glop.

Oh, no, it's all right,
thank you. We've already
had dinner in the kitchen.

Yes. You go ahead
and enjoy yourselves.
We're going to bed.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Mm-hmm. Good night, Mom.
Have fun.

- Good night, girls.
- Good night, kids.

How about those two monkeys,
huh? Imagine them putting
together a thing like that.

- Oh, they've put much more
than that together, Mitch.
- What do you mean?

Well, don't you understand?
The drippy candles,

the violin music,
the veal parmigiana,

-   [M''For Now, For Always'']
- Martinelli's. Don't you remember?

- Oh.
- Our first date.
They tried to recreate it.

Crazy, sweet kids.



[ Sighs ]
Well, what are we going
to do about them?

Now that they've met,
we certainly can't keep them apart.

No, we sure can't
do that, can we?

Well, I guess
the only logical thing we can do is...

try to share them.

You could take them both for
siX months and then I could have
them for the rest of the year.

That way at least
they'd be together.

I think that's the best way,
don't you?

Yes, I guess it is.

- ''SiX-month split.''
That's what Susan calls it.
- Yeah.

That's about all we can do.

You know, Mitch, all of a sudden,
I'm-- I'm very depressed.

Ah, Maggie, it would have been
worse if we'd stayed together,
you know that.

All that fighting and squabbling.
You with that Irish temper.

- You were just as difficult
and hard to get along with.
- Oh, sure, I know. I admit it.

- It was a mistake in the beginning.
- Was it, Mitch?

Well, it's pretty obvious,
isn't it?

You know, you haven't
changed much. The years have
been good to you, Mitch.



aren't you going
to return the compliment?

Oh, yeah. You know,
as a matter of fact, Maggie,
you look... pretty good.

Well, don't stumble
over the words. You know,
you don't have to say them.

No, really, I mean it.
Uh-- What did you do
to yourself anyway?

Do to myself?

SiXteen plastic surgeons,
a major reconstruction job on my
face so I could be presentable.

- Aw, Maggie--
- Well, who do you think I am?

Some troll who crawled
out of the woods
to come calling on you?

Oh, I admit, I'm not as young
as that simpering, baby-faced,

- platinum doll who's got
her hooks in you!
- Now, don't get started on Vicky,

Oh, that's right, don't say
anything about that dear,
sweet, precious Vicky.

That plotz-faced child bride
and her electric hips!

Oh, I-I'm sorry, Mitch.

It always happens,
doesn't it?


Well, it won't
happen anymore.

I'm leaving in the morning
with Sharon.

I really do
mean this, Mitch,

I wish you the best
of everything with Vicky.

Holy smokes!
What a lousy mess they made of that.

All our plans, and Mother and I
will be leaving tomorrow.

[ Sighs ] Well, don't give
up. We've got all night
to think of something.

- Like what?
- Well, I don't know.

But something.

- Sharon, taXi's waiting.
- I'm coming,

- Susan, aren't you coming down
to say good-bye to me?
- Be right there, Mother,

Sharon. Susan.

I'll-- I'll send Susan
back for Christmas.

I'll see that... Sharon
comes out here for Easter.

Well, I suppose
that's the best way.

I suppose so.

What are you doing
in those clothes?

Sharon, what is this?

Well, I'll tell you.
We've thought it over
and we've come to a decision.

- Yep. We decided
we were getting gypped.
- Yeah, gypped.

- Oh--
- Now what do you mean, gypped?

Well, we decided that
we wanted to spend our--
our camp out together.

- So, whichever
one of us is Sharon--
- And we won't tell.

- Whichever one of us is Sharon,
we're not going to Boston.
- [M Mitch ] Ha!

Now, don't get smart
with me, girls.

Sharon, go right upstairs
and put your suit on. Now, go on.

Are you sure she's Sharon?

Of course she is!

- Aren't you?
- [M Susan Laughs ]

- Tough to tell, ain't it?
- Ain't it?

Isn't it? Now, stop
all of this foolishness.
We're going to miss the plane.

- That's the whole idea.
- [ Gasps ]

- Mitch, do something!
- Susan, go--

- Yes, Daddy?
- Yes, Daddy?

- That's not funny!
- That's not funny.

- That's not funny.
- Oh, this one is Susan.
The smart aleck here.

- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure. I know
my own daughter, don't I?

You're not really sure,
are you, Daddy?

- You know, I'm not.
- I think they're ready to listen.

Right, here's the deal.

We leave for the camp out
immediately, all of us.

And when you bring us back
on Friday, then we'll tell you
who's Sharon and who's Susan.

That's the deal.
Take it or leave it.

What am I to do for three days
while you're off on some
crazy trip into the woods?

- Stay home and knit?
- It's not my fault.
I can't tell them apart.

- What do you want me to do?
- Give them a good spanking
and make them tell.

Oh, you don't spank
    year olds, especially
for something like this.

- Is she coming along?
- That's part of the deal.

- Mitch, I will not have it.
- Good morning, Vicky.

I will not sit while
you're off prowling
through the woods with her.

- You're absolutely right.
- Will you keep out of this?

Oh, Mitch, you just can't go off
and leave your fiancee alone
for three whole days.

- What on earth would people say?
- Sure, all right, group activity
leader, what do you suggest?

- I think that you ought
to come along with us.
- Fine.

- Maybe I just will.
- It's the only decent thing to do.

- Sure.
- Of course, we're going to have
to get you another outfit,

but I know where Mitch
keeps his old shirts.

We can find you some boots,
and very quickly we will
have you all fiXed up.

Are they all comin'
with us?


- Hecky, here's some more stuff.
- All right, keep your shirt on.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.

- Here.
- Everything's almost packed.

- When do we get going?
- Have you got enough?

-Just fasten the belt
a little bit tighter.
- [M Vicky ] Yes,

- Where does she think she's going?
- She's gonna come along, honey.

- Are you kidding?
- Nope,

Besides, it's waterproof.
Oh, here we are, Mitch.
All ready to go.

- But she can't come along!
- [M Margaret ]
Now, girls, don't be rude,

We decided that your father
couldn't possibly leave Vicky
alone for three whole days.

Well, let's get the show
on the road, huh?

- You first. You'll want to
sit beside Mitch, won't you?
- If you don't mind?

My pleasure. The way things
have worked out, I think you and
Vicky ought to be there alone.

What are you saying?

Maggie, in or out.
Come on, will ya?

- If you're not going, I--
- Now, Vicky, don't worry your
pretty little head about me.

I'll just lie around the lake
and soak up plenty of sun.

Besides, it'll give you
a chance to get to know the girls.

You're going to have them
for siX months out of the year.

- Bye, Vicky. Watch out for snakes.
- Thanks a lot!

Bye, girls.
Have a good time. Bye.

  [ Whistling ]

- Oo-oh.
- You all right?

Oh, I'm just dandy.
Some fun.

- What's the matter?
- Vicky's not used to this,
honey. We'll rest a minute.

[ Sighs, Groans ]

Lake's not far now.
Just about another hour's all.

Look, I'll put it on it.

- Gee, is it hot?
- What of it?

Well, I just thought maybe
you'd like some of my water.

Thanks a lot.

No, there's a thing on there!
[M Screaming ]

- What is it?
- It's only a little old tree lizard.

Look, Dad, it wouldn't
hurt anybody. Look.

- Get that thing away
from me! I hate it!
- [ Laughing ]

Cut that out.
[ Chuckles ]
Honey, come on.

Oh, get that away from me.
I hate them. They're just miserable.

[ Both Laughing ]

-Now, you two stay here and
help Vicky, you understand?
-Yeah, sure we'll help her, Dad.

Oh... sure you'll help me.
Right over a cliff you'll help me.

What did we do?

Never you mind those angelic faces.
I know viXen when I see 'em.

Just remember this,
You start anything,

and I will make your lives
just miserable for you later on.

You get me, pets?

See that?
Cougar tracks.

- It's a form of mountain lion.
- No kidding?

- Lions?
- Oh, sure,

There are hundreds of'em up here,
Ooh, they'll really mess you up,

They'll grab at your eyes.
They'll eat ya, you know.

But there's a trick
an old Indian guide showed me.

See? You hit two sticks like
this and the noise frightens 'em
and they won't eat you,

- [M Banging Sticks ]
- Like that?

Yeah, that'll
keep 'em away.

Come on.

[M Banging Continues ]

- [ Both Laughing ]
- Quick.

- Hey!
- [ Gasps ]

- Enjoying yourself?
- Perfectly wonderful time.

- [M Girls Shouting, Laughing ]
- My feet are killing me.

Oh, why don't you go down
and soak 'em in the lake.
That'll cool 'em off.

- You think?
- Why, sure. Go on.

I'll try anything.

Come on in!
It's not deep.

- You sure?
- Sure I'm sure. Look, I'm standing.

- [ Screams ]
- Mitch, come on!

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Panting ]

Ah! Hecky, you really
did yourself proud.

Thanks, Mitch.
You sure you, uh, won't
change your mind, miss?

I detest trout!
How many times do I have to tell you?

I'll wait and eat in the morning.
What are we having for breakfast?


We don't catch fish just to
throw 'em away, We always eat
off the trail up here,

- That's part of the fun.
- Only part of the fun? Swell.

What do you do on Saturday nights?
Go down and throw rocks in the lake?

You insisted on coming.
The least you can do
is make the best of it.

I was tricked into coming.
She tricked me.

[ Chuckling ]
She sure did, didn't she?

If you wanna go back,
Hecky can always take you down.

Oh, why, sure, miss.
I'd be happy to walk you
down to the truck.

I'll stick it out, thanks.

Oh! What do they think
I'm running, a free blood bank?

- I think they like this stuff.
- What do you got?

Oh, mosquito repellant.

It doesn't even smell
like anything.

[ Laughs ]
For Pete's sake, that's
nothing but sugar and water.

- What?
- That'll bring every mosquito
for    miles around.

Now, where'd you get that?

An old Indian scout
gave it to me. Said it would
keep the mosquitoes away.

Hecky, I think I'll have some
more of that wonderful trout.

Oh, yeah.

I'm turning in.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night, Vicky.
- Good night, Vicky.


Honey, what are you
doing with the sticks?

Well, what do you think
I'm doing? I'm keeping
the mountain lions away.

- Mountain lions?
- Well, yeah, the noise--

- The noise doesn't frighten
mountain lions away?
- Not a bit.

Good night!

  [ Humming
''Let's Get Together'' ]

- Now,just why did you
do that to Vicky?
- Daddy, I swear that--

Never mind!
It's a terrible thing to do,

Isn't it?

Just terrible.

Now, I don't want anymore
of that from either of you,
you understand?

Yes, Daddy.

- Both of you?
- Yes, Daddy.

All right.

[ Loud Snoring ]

[ Snoring, Grumbles ]

[M Birds Twittering ]

[ Screams ]
Oh, get me out of here!
There are animals in here!

Let me out!
[M Screaming ]
Let me out of here!

Get them away from me!
Get those wild animals out!
Get 'em away! I hate 'em!

I hate them! Let me out!
Get them away from me!
[M Crying ]

I hate this place! I hate this
filthy, stinking, dirty place!

What you yellin' about? They's
just little bitty old bear cubs.
They wouldn't hurt a fly.

You shut up
and get me my boots!

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, I hate this place!
This may be somebody's idea
of fun, but it's not mine!

I hate the fish!
I hate the lake! I hate the trees!
I hate the filthy bugs!

What the heck are you
doing to the food?

- I wanna go back
to Central Park East!
- What's happening?

You big overgrown jerk!
It's not worth it.

Do you want your clothes,

Thanks a heap. You, you're twins.
Do you share everything?

- Everything.
- Everything.

Well, you give your sister
her half of this.

Hey, wait a minute.
There's no cause for that.
They didn't do anything to you.

You'll never know what they
did to me, you big goon!

Get me outta this
stinkin' fresh air!

- [M Sharon ]
Mother, where are you?
- Hi!

Oh. You're back early.
Now, which one are you?

- Sharon.
- Did you have a good time?

Oh, sensational!
But... well, at least we did,
but I don't think Vicky did.

- Well, what happened?
- Hi, Mom.

- Well, hi.
- How are you?

- Wonderful. Hello, there.
- Good evening.

- Have you had your dinner?
- Oh, we're not hungry.

Then you better go upstairs
and have your baths.
You both look filthy to me.

- Then we'll tell you about Vicky,
but not while he's there, okay?
- Shh. Okay.

So, you had a wonderful time.
What happened?

Oh, now, don't you give me
that with the big eyes,
''What happened?''

- You knew darn well
what was gonna happen.
- What happened?

All right, you name it and it
happened. The whole thing was
a shambles. Now you happy?

- Tsk-tsk-tsk.
- It's the last time I'm gonna
take a woman to the mountains.

Oh, uh, where's, um,
uh, what's-her-name?

- Vicky?
- Yeah,yeah, Vicky,

Yeah, yeah. Well, she
took off like a pelican...

and she's probably
at Park Avenue and    th Street
by now, and good luck to her.

Ah. Well?

We've been talking...

and we feel that
we owe you an apology.

Well, I mean, we feel sort of guilty
about what we did to Vicky.

What did you do to her?

Well, um,,,

I guess you could say
we submarined her.

Well, it's none of our business
who you wanna marry,
and we ruined it for you.

Well, um...

that's done with now, so we
won't talk about it anymore,

We're really sorry, Dad.
Will you forgive us?

Aw, go on to bed,
you monsters.

What are you gonna do, huh?

-Do you want something to eat?
-Well, uh, sure you got enough?

Oh, sure, I cooked
enough for you and Susan
for dinner tomorrow night,

Remember, Sharon and I
are leaving in the morning.

- Oh, yeah, leaving.
- Wash your hands.

Oh, yeah, I better.

  [ Humming ]

  [ Humming Stops ]

[ Clears Throat ]
Where's Verbena, anyway?

I wasn't eXpecting you back,
and it didn't make sense for her
to stay around here just for me,

so I gave her
the night off.

Say, you know, I-- I think
I'll just go upstairs and wash up.

I'll be right back.
I'll just be a minute.

I don't know what he saw in her.
She had a horrid taste in clothes...

- and absolutely
no personality at all.
- [ Wolf Whistle ]

- Wow!
- Where ya goin', to a party?

[ Chuckling ]
That is none of your business.

Good night, ladies.
Sleep tight.

  [M Waltz ]

- Hi.
- Well! I thought you were just
going to ''wash your hands''?

- Oh, well, I got started, I thought
I might as well do a good job of it.
- Shh.

- What?
- Do you hear music?

Are those children
looking at television when
I told them to take a bath?

Oh, that's the hi-fi.
I just snapped it on when
I was coming downstairs.

I thought a little music
would be nice with dinner.

Also, I thought
a little red wine might
be good with the stew, huh?

- Oh. [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughs ]

To the mother
of my children...

and the most beautiful mother
any two kids ever had.

- Oh, Mitch, you can be
the most eXasperating man.
- What's the matter?

Waiting until we're here
in the kitchen eating stew
and-and me in my bare feet.

I like you in bare feet.

Well, it puts a woman
at a disadvantage.

Good. Here's
to your disadvantage.

[ Chuckles ]

  [M Continues ]

Here. Sit down
and eat your stew.

- Yeah.
- Don't spill it now.

- Oh, darn!
- What's the matter?

Well, I've got a wet dishcloth on
and I put some knots in it.

Open it for me.

Maggie, as long as
everybody's, uh, apologizing,

I think maybe
I better do mine too.

I mean,
about the other night.

I didn't mean for it
to sound like that.

I guess I'm not very good
with the compliments, what, with
growin' up out here with cows--

Oh, now, don't gimme
that old ''growing up
with the cows'' routine.

- You handed me that years ago.
- I did not!

You certainly did!

[ Sniffles ]
Well, it worked, didn't it?

- You liked it.
- [ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

- Ah, Maggie, you're so beautiful.
- Oh.

No, I mean it.
I know I don't say things
like... you wanna hear 'em,

but I've been thinking
a lot about you...

and us and the way
things used to be,

- This might sound funny, but you
know what I miss most of all?
- Mitch.


You've got stew
all over you.

- I don't care.
- Go and wash it off.

What do you miss?


I don't care if
it does sound silly,

I miss those wet stockings
you used to have hanging
around the bathroom.

And I miss my razor being
dull because you used it
to shave your legs with.

[ Low Gasp ]

And I miss the hairpins
miXed up with the fishhooks
in my tackle boX.

It's no fun having
a clothes closet all to myself.

And it's no fun swearing
because you're not around to...

you're shocked by it.

Well, nothing's any good
without you, Maggie.
I miss a lot of things.

I guess I just miss you.

Why did you take
so long to tell me?

I don't know.

Well, because--

because I guess I was hoping
that you'd come back sometime.

Oh, Maggie.
I've been the prize chump
of the world. We both have.

We're gonna grow up
into a couple of old, lonely people...

if we don't do
something about it.

- I know.
- You don't want that, do you?

No, Mitch.

Oh, Mitch.
It's been so long.

So very long.
[ Crying ]

Are you crying?

You can slug me in the eye
anytime you want?

[ Laughs ]

[ Gasping ]

- What's the matter?
- Oh, my gosh!

I just had the craziest dream.
Oh, my goodness!

- What is it?
- You and I were marching
along real slow,

sort of funny-like,
in organdy dresses.

And there was music
coming from someplace.

-   [M''Wedding March'']
- And there were flowers and people,

  [M''For Now, For Always'']

 For my love
was meant for 

  Was heaven sent 

 For now 

 For always 

 For you  

Special help by SergeiK