The Parent Trap Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Parent Trap transcript is here for all you fans of the Lindsay Lohan movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using multiple viewings of The Parent Trap. I know, I know, I still need to get the character names in there.  I'm workin' on it, trust me.  I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Parent Trap Script



[M Man ]

 If their love's on skids

treat your folks like kids 


  Or your family tree's

gonna snap 


[M Woman ]

 So to make 'em dig

first ya gotta rig 


[M Together ]

  What do ya gotta rig 


  The parent trap 


[M Woman ]

 If they lose that zing

and they just won't swing 


  Then the problem

falls in your lap 


[M Man ]

  When your folks are square

then you must prepare 


-   What do you gotta prepare 

-   The parent trap 


[ Both Yawning ]


[M Together ]

  To set the bait recreate the date 


  The first time

Cupid shot 'em 


  Get 'em under the moon

play their favorite tune 






  You got 'em 


[M Man ]

 Lead 'em back to love

with a velvet glove 


[M Woman ]

  'Cause they're much

too old for the strap 


[M Together ]

 Straighten up their mess

with togetherness 



The parent trap 


John, they're

playing our song.


Marcia, what fools

we've been.


 Straighten out their mess

with togetherness 




 Straighten out their mess

with togetherness 




  The parent trap  


[M Girls Chattering,

Clamoring Loudly ]


[M Woman ]

Now, now there,

girls, Now, now,


''A''to ''K's''over here,

''A''to ''K's''over--


No, dear, you're an ''R''.

Over there with

the ''P'' to ''S's.''


That's a good girl.

Now, have we any

''X, Y, Z's'' here?


- Where are the ''X, Y, Z's''?

- Now here are your allergy pills.


Your grandmother said to remind

you one three times a day.

And your insect repellant.


And your poetry book.


- Thank you, Staimes.

- Have a good summer, miss.


[ Chattering,

Clamoring Continues ]


- Name?

- McKendrick, Sharon.


-   Belgrave Square, Boston?

- Yes.


And my grandmother said

to see that my tent

was properly ventilated.


Don't worry, McKendrick.

You'll be ventilated.


NeXt girl.


No candy wrappers.

No chewing gum wrappers

lying on the ground.


Always tidy.


Latrines over there.

Mess hall up the hill.


McKendrick, you're in here,

Arapahoe. Follow me.

Girls, wait here for me.


Come, McKendrick.


- New arrival, girls.

Name's McKendrick.

- Hi.


- Hello.

- Girls here'll brief you

on anything you need to know.


I'm sure you'll be

very happy here.


See you after lunch.


My name is Betsy.

This is Ursula.


How do you do?

[ Clears Throat ]

I'm Sharon McKendrick.


-   [M Bugle Playing Reveille ]

- [ Girls Shouting ]


Say, you're

in a good tent.


Betsy's mother sends her

all kinds of candy bars and

chocolates every week.


- I'm not allowed to eat candy.

- Why not?


My grandmother thinks

it ruins my teeth.


Oh, hi, Mary Sue.


Well, come on, let's go.

I'm starved.


Oh, yeah,just as long

as there are three places.


Oh, is that--



- The nerve of her,

coming here with your face!

- What are you gonna do about it?


Do? What in heaven's name

can I do, silly?


I'd bite off her nose,

then she wouldn't look

like you.


- Who's she?

- [M Bell Ringing ]


- I never saw her

before in my life.

- Now...


at this time...


I want to say welcome

to all our new arrivals.


Welcome to Camp Inch,

new arrivals,


I am your

supreme commander here,


And my name is...

Miss Inch.


- Uh, yes, Miss Inch.

- [ Girls Chuckle Softly ]


I'd like at this time

to introduce a visitor...


from the neXt hilltop over.


From the

Thunderhead Boys Camp,


Chief Eaglewood,




Thank you, Miss Inch.

And hello there, out

there to all of you.


Uh, looks like a crackerjack

troop of girls there.


Now, why am I here?


Well, that's

our little surprise,


Trooper Stafford, attention.

Stand up, boy.


- Ohh, what a dream!

- [ Girls Giggling ]


A little surprise for you,

young ladies.


Saturday night

we're going to have a dance.


[ Girls Screaming ]


Now, quiet, girls, quiet.


And we've asked

the Thunderhead Boys Camp...


to come over

for the occasion.


Camp Thunderhead

accepts your invitation

and thanks you.


- [ Girls Screaming, Cheering ]

- [M Bell Ringing ]


A word of warning.


Watch your demerits.


Untidy little girls

won't go to the dance.


So keep those tents clean,


your uniforms

spanking fresh...


and we'll all be

one big happy family.


[ Sighs ]


[ Chattering ]


- [ Laughing ]

- With that toad?


Oh, no.


What are you staring at?


EXcuse me,

but haven't you noticed?

We look like each other.


Hey, wait a minute.

Turn your head.

Let me see that profile.


That's who it is,

Look at that profile,


- She's the spittin'image

of you-know-who,

- Who?


- Frankenstein.

- [ Laughing ]


Not wanted.


[ Screaming ]


[ Gasping ]


  [M Reveille ]


[ Girls Chattering ]


- [ Screams ]

- [ High-Pitched Scream ]


[ Screams ]

Those monsters!

They gopher-trapped us!


[ High-Pitched Screams ]


- Morning, Miss Inch.

- Good morning, Miss Grunecker.


- Where would you like to start?

- Well--


Why not start

with tent Arapahoe?


I'm sure you'll find

everything shipshape.


- [ Gasps ]

- [ Screams ]


[M Woman On Record ]

  Think of all

that we could share 


 Let's get together

every day 


 Every way

and everywhere 


 And though we haven't

got a lot 


  We could be sharin'

all we've got 




-   Oh, I really think you're swell 

- What if we got some ants,


-   We really ring the bell 

- and when she comes by the window

we dump 'em down her dress?


- Impractical.

- Where're you gonna find

ants at night, stupid?


Ooh, the three of them.

I'm so mad I could just spit.


 Let's get together



  Two is twice

as nice as one 


 Let's get together

right away 


  We'll be havin'

twice the fun 


-  And you can always

count on me 

- Hey, I got an idea!


-  A twosome we will be 

- Come on!


 Let's get together



[ Chattering ]


- How do you like camp?

- Oh, it's okay, I guess.


I'm not coming back

to this one, though.

They're so juvenile.


They won't let you wear

lipstick or perfume.


I feel absolutely naked

without my lipstick.



[ Clears Throat ]

Where you from?


Um, Monterey,



That's great.


Oh, you'd love California;

at least I do.


It's so sort of--

I don't know--

marvelous, actually.


- [ Clears Throat ]

Sounds great.

- Mm-hmm.


Oh, it's absolute fun

living in California,


Every year when I get home

from camp, Dad takes me

on a trek into the mountains.


- Gee, that's great.

- Mm-hmm.


Your mother just lets you

go up in the mountains like that?


- Oh, I don't have a mother;

just Dad and me.

- [M Scissors Cutting ]


He's wonderful. Besides,

I know almost everything

about trails...


and camping

and woodlore.


We have a ball,

just Daddy and me and Hecky.


- Ooh, it's hot out here.

- Who's Hecky?


Our ranch foreman.

He tells sensational stories.


He used to be

a rodeo rider actually.


-   [M Starts ]

- Oh, they've started

the music again.


- I guess we oughta, huh?

- Mm-hmm.


I love dancing.

I could just dance all night,


- especially with you, Wilfred.

- [ Clears Throat ]


[ Chattering ]


[ Gasps ]


[ People Laughing ]


Your dress is ruined! Where were you?

Where could she have done it?


- Oh, I don't know! I wasn't

anywhere. I just went out--

- [ Chuckling ]


Serves ya right.

Stay out of our tent from now on.


- You vicious, little wretch!

- [ Gasps ]


- Stop it! Stop it!

- Let her go!


Sharon, let go of her!

Get away!


- [ Girls Screaming ]

- Stop that!


Stop that, ladies,

please! Girls--


Stop it!

Girls! Stop!


Stop. Stop.

Misses, stop.


- [M Girls Screaming ]

- [ Gasps ]


[ Stammering ]


[ Shouts ]


I've got a cake in my hands!

Now stop it, children!


[ Screams, Groans ]


You little wretches!


[M Girls Continue Screaming ]




In the history of our camp,

that was the most infamous,


the most revolting,

the most disgusting

display of hooliganism...


we have ever had.


- Brawling like hooligans

in front of our guests.

- And worst of all,


two sisters who should be

setting a good example,


We're not sisters!


I've never seen her

before in my life!


They are, aren't they?


No, ma'am,

just look-alikes.


An amazing resemblance.


I gather that you two girls

don't get along together?


Hmm. Well,

have you ever heard of

Gilbert and Sullivan?


Yes, ma'am.


They were composers.


They wrote a

memorable song called...


''Let the Punishment

Fit the Crime.''


''Let the Punishment

Fit the Crime.''


[ Girls Chattering ]


Sharon McKendrick,

we are waiting.


All right, girls,

follow me.


  [ Girls Whistling ''Bridge

On The River Kwai'' ]


? ?





? ?



Now, girls, that's enough

of this nonsense!


Go back

to your activities!


- [ Girls Shouting ]

- All right, young ladies.


In here.





All right.


Four weeks left at camp

and you'll spend them all together;


room together,

eat together, play together.


Either you'll find a way

to live with each other...


or you'll punish yourselves

far better than I ever could.


Good-bye, girls.


[ Girls Chattering,

Laughing ]


It drives her crazy.

I completely ignore her.


- Give it to her good.

- The old coventry treatment.


Pretty soon the silence

will drive her absolutely

out of her mind.


[ Girls Giggling ]


[M Thunderclap ]


[M Wind Gusting ]


- Oh! Oh, my gosh!

- Oh, my goodness! Hurry, quick!


I've got it. Hook it.

Tie that down over there, tight.


- Thanks.

- You're welcome.


Oh, gosh!

Look at this mess!


- Are any of them spoiled?

- Well, it didn't do 'em any good.


Oh, dirty darn,

look at this one.Just ruined.


Oh, that's a shame.

Who is he?


Are you kidding?

Ricky Nelson?


Oh. Your boyfriend.


[ Gags ]

I wish he was!


You mean you never

heard of him?


Where do you come from,

outer space?


No. I'm from Boston.


[ Snootily ]

Oh... Boston.


- Where's your home?

- California.


Oh, I've seen movies of California.

Is it a nice place to live?



We got a ranch out in Carmel.


I got a picture.

You wanna see it?


There. That's the house.

Then the stables go off down there.


- How lovely.

- Oh, I got my own horse

and everything.


We got a lake. You know,

you could practically fall

right out of the front door...


and go swimming

anytime you want.


Who's this?


That's my dad.

Isn't he dreamy?


[M Sharon ]

He's very handsome,


- Is it cold in here?

- I'm hot.


Want a Fig Newton?


What's your pop like?

I mean, is he a friend

you could talk to...


or one of those

busy types?


Well, I don't have

a father actually.


Mummy and Daddy

separated years ago.

She never mentions him now.


You know, it's scary

the way nobody stays together

anymore these days.


Pretty soon there's gonna be

more divorces than marriages.


Isn't it the truth?


- How old are you?

- Thirteen.


So am I.

I can't wait till I'm  ...


and get my own car

and stay out dancing till midnight.


I'll be   November  .


No kiddin'?

That's my birthday too.


Isn't that peculiar?

November  ?



Funny, isn't it?


Uh-oh, this one's full.


Hey, what do ya know,

it's stopped raining.


[M Birds Twittering ]


What is your mother like?


- I can't remember her.

- Did she die?


Nope. Busted up with Dad

when I was young.


But she was fabulous.

Absolutely fabulous!


- How do you know?

- There used to be a picture

of her on Daddy's desk.


But once he caught me

looking at it, and it's

never been around since,


Hey, you wanna come

to the commissary

and get a popsicle with me?


Can you only think

about your stomach

at a time like this?


At a time like what?


Don't you feel it?

Don't you know what's happening?


Don't you find it peculiar

that we both look so much alike

and have the same birthday?


It's just one

of those things, isn't it?


Will you come inside

a minute... please?


Mother always says

I'm psychic;


you know, that I can sense

things when something odd

is going to happen.


I always get

goose bumps. Look.


So what?


I don't understand.


What are you doing

with her picture?


It's my mother.


But it's my mother too.


  [M Reveille ]


[M Girls Chattering ]


Uh... lunch.


You go.


I'm not hungry.


I hope we have chicken tonight

because I really like that,


[ Crying ]


[ Gasps ]


I didn't know

what to say.


I know.

I didn't either.


Golly, sisters!


You know what

probably happened.


They must've quarrelled

and parted...


and just sort of... bisected us,

each taking one of us.


Why do you suppose

they separated?


I don't know. I can't imagine

anyone not loving Mother.

She's absolutely divine!


Well, what about Dad?

He's a sensational person,

I mean, as a friend and all.


The thing is... that neither

of them got married again.


You see what that means?


- Not really.

- Secretly, in their

innermost hearts,


they must still

be in love with each other.


Then why have they stayed

separated all these years?


Because that's how true love

creates its beautiful agony.


All splendid lovers

have just dreadful times.


Uh... Peleus and Melisande,

Daphnis and Chloe.


History's just jammed

with stories of lovers

parted by some silly thing.







Oh, my goodness!


Oh, boy!

Oh, my gosh! Oh!


- What's the matter?

- Uh--


You wanna meet Father and

I'm just dying to know Mother.


Well, what if--


Oh, my gosh!

It just seems so scary that

we might be able to pull it off.


Pull what off?


- Switch places!

- Switch?


We could do it.

We're twins, aren't we?


Oh, I want to know Mother.

Look, now I'm getting

goose bumps.


Me too.


You know something,

there's more to it

than just switching places.


- I believe fate brought us together.

- How so?


If we switched, sooner or later

they'd have to unswitch us.


Mother would have to bring me

to California to unmiX us.


- And they'd have to meet again.

- Face to face.


- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- EXactly.


Let's get to work!


- Hmm?

- It's amazing!


Now, I think you should

wear this one when

you go to meet Dad.


Oh, this is gorgeous!

Oh, I'm going to wear this

one when I go to Boston.


Oh, I adore it!


Now, Susan, will you

pay attention.


Now the music room

and the library are on the first floor.


Now your room is the second door

on the second floor on the left,

all right?


Now, the horse's name

is Schotzli and the dog is Andromeda.


Verbena collects

the dirty laundry every Monday.


- [M Girls Chattering ]

- Sharon, will you pay attention.


Now, eXcept

for the dirty socks;

those are Thursday.


Oh, yeah.

My favorite food is chili beans.


Oh, and you gotta chew gum

'cause I always chews gum.


Um, flat ''A's'',

you must remember

all your ''A's'' are flat.


Uh, talk fast, you know,

'cause everybody talks fast. And--


But I never bite my nails!


Sharon, ya gotta!

I always chew mine.

Anyhow, Dad'll know.


Go on, bite 'em,


Can't. Shan't.

Aunt. Hmm?


No, no. ''Ca-un't.''

''Sha-un't.'' ''Au-unt.''



''Sha-un't.'' ''Au-unt.''


- Ooh, I can't wait till camp is over.

- ''Ca-un't'' wait.


Okay, I ''ca-un't'' wait.


[ Girls Saying Good-bye ]


- Daddy, he doesn't smell at all!

- You're not gonna take

it home, and that's it!


- Oh, Daddy, you're so mean!

He's so cute.

- She's not gonna take it home.


Ah, you big meany.

I spent so much time to get him.


Ahh, baby.


[ Chattering ]


It's got to be done



Remember the key:

recollection and memory.


- Get her talking about

how her and Daddy first met.

- And their first date.


- Find out about that first date.

- [M Miss Inch ] Sharon!


- That's you now.

- Oh, yes, coming.


Now, look, the most important

thing: you must bring Mother

to California.


Boston is no place

to rekindle a romance.


[M Miss Inch ]

Sharon McKendrick!


Good-bye, girls.

Good-bye. Sharon McKendrick.


Your chauffeur's waiting

for you, dear, Now hurry,


The punishment was harsh,

I know, putting you two girls together,


but you've survived it,

and I hope you've both learned

something from the eXperience.


- Oh, boy, you'd be surprised,

Miss Inch.

- [ Chuckles ]


Yes. Well, good-bye, Sharon.

See you neXt summer.


Good-bye, Miss Inch.

Oh, uh...


I ''ca-un't'' tell you

how very much

I've enjoyed my stay.


I ''sha-un't'' tell my ''au-unt''

about the ''au-unts''-- uh, ants,


nor the debutantes,

shall I?


[ Chuckles ]



- What did you do to your hair?

- Oh, I cut it. It was too hot long.


- You wait till your grandmother

sees what you've done.

- Hmph.


[M Car Door Closes ]


Miss Lockness, Betina,

upstairs, third door to the left.


Oh, what's her name?



[M Car Door Closes ]


[ Sighs ]

Oh, well here goes nothin'.




[M Woman ]

For the white wine--

and with the meat,


Do we have any more of--

[M Muttering ]


I think we better have

cloakroom tickets

for the ladies' wraps as well,


Oh, Rosa, I want all the gilt

chairs in the music room, and do

see that they're well dusted.


- [M Maid ] Mrs, McKendrick,

you asked me to remind you--

- Oh,yes,yes,yes,


Do see that the maids

keep absolutely quiet

during the music,


If they must empty

the ash trays, tell them

to do it without clinking.


- I'll see to it.

- I want those Steinways at the

north end of the music room,


- Have you checked about delivery?

- I'll see about it right now.


- Now, I'll tell you what.

- Well, you're home from camp, are you?


- Hello, Miss Lockness.

- Did you bring home all your

underwear and personal things?


- Yes, it's in my luggage.

Staimes has it.

- It's probably full of germs.


- What have you done to your hair?

- Do you like it?


Wait till your grandmother

sees what you've done.


Who is that

I hear out there?


Is that my little girl?


The tall, gangly thing?


- Hi, Grandfather.

- Hello, sweetheart.


Oh, my, my, my.


Oh, well, well, well.

Let me look at you.

[ Chuckles ]


Have you had--

Well, what's the matter, dear?


- I'm just happy to see you.

- Ah, and I'm happy to see you too.


I'll tell you,

your grandpa missed you

around here.


You know, it was an awful--

[ Stammering ]

Wait a minute.


- Wait, wait.

What are you doing?

- Making a memory.


- Making a memory?

- Mm-hmm.


All my life, years from now

when I'm quite grown up,


I'll remember my grandfather

and how he always smelled of--


[ Sniffing ]

tobacco and peppermint.


Smelled of tobacco and pepper--

[ Chuckling ]


Well, I'll tell you what.

I use the peppermint

for my indigestion,


and the tobacco--

[ Clears Throat ]

to make your grandmother mad.


[ Laughing ]


Sharon! Sharon!


Welcome home, darling,


- Mother!

- Oh, darling. It's so good

to have you home.


Let me take a look at--


What on earth have you done

to your hair?


- I cut it.

- Well, that's certainly obvious.


I thought there

was something different.


Well, what's done is done.

At least it'll grow again.


What's the matter, Sharon?


Are those tears I see?


I can't help it, Mother.


- If only you knew.

- Knew what?


Why, Sharon.

When did you get back?


- Hi, Granny.

- She just arrived.

Doesn't she look wonderful?


Ye-- My dear child,

what have you done to your hair?


- She cut it.

- Well, I had to because--


If my opinion means anything

in this house, which I doubt,

I like it short the way it is.


- Charles, stop burbling.

- I haven't burbled in years and--


Go down to your office

and read your newspaper.


See you at dinner.


- Bye.

- Oh, now really, Mother,

it doesn't look so bad.


It's hoydenish.

Are you a boy or a girl?

Make up your mind.


- What's that?

- Oh, it's a present

I brought for you.


We made it--

I mean, I made it,

especially for you.


Thank you, dear.

What is it?


It's a bird cage

made out of popsicle sticks.


- Oh, come on upstairs with me

while I finish getting dressed.

- See you later.


[ Chuckles ]


- Did you make some

nice friends at camp?

- Oh, yes, one girl in particular.


- Who is she?

- Oh,just a girl.


- From Boston?

- No,just a girl from someplace.


My goodness,

you're beautiful.


[ EXhales ]

Well, what's the matter?


You're staring at me as if

you'd never seen me before.


Oh, I don't know.


I'm just happy you're here

and that you're you.


Well, I'm happy that you're here

and you're you.


Now, be a good girl,

fasten me up.


- Did you miss me?

- Mm-hmm. Did you miss me?


[ Chuckles ]

You'll never know.


I'll see you at the Somerset

Club after my garden club

meeting. Stand up, child.


Don't slouch. I hope you

haven't picked up bad habits

at that camp of yours.


- Keep your shoulders straight.

See you at the Somerset, Margaret.

- Yes, Mother.


Now-- Well,

what's the frown for?


I just got back and you've got all

those meetings and things.


Well, I thought we could spend

the day together and talk.


Oh, we have the whole weekend

to talk. And you know that

I cannot cancel the Red Cross.


[ Sighs ]


[ Sighs ]

Well, what I have to say can wait.


Yes, dear?


I just wanted to have

a little woman-to-woman

talk with you about Stafford.



Who's Stafford?


Oh, this boy I met at camp.

I just wanted your advice

on something.


Yes? On what?


Well, uh...


I wanted you to tell me

how long you waited

before you got married.




- Oh, Lockness.

- Yes, Miss Margaret?


Please tell my mother that I

won't be able to meet her, and

cancel all of my appointments.


- Cancel them?

- Yes. Something very

important has come up.


Yes, Miss Margaret.


Sharon, what

I'm trying to say is that

the decision to marry...


is something best considered

after you've lived

a little bit longer.


Mother, you're perfectly right.

Stafford was much

too juvenile for me.


Well, thank goodness

for that.


- To be perfectly frank with you,

the old zing just wasn't there.

- Zing?


You know, the charge that shoots

up your spine when you meet

the one man you wanna marry.


Like when you met Daddy.


[ Sighs ]

What was Daddy like?


Well... I don't know how

we got around to him.


Is it terribly painful for you

to talk about Daddy?


No. Why should it be?


I don't know.


Well, I thought, maybe

when you've been in love

with somebody once,


well, the recollection

and memory might be bitter--

bitterly painful.


Oh, Sharon, that was

many, many years ago.

Don't dramatize it.


Where did he take you

on your very first date?


He-- He took me to dinner.


It was an Italian restaurant.

One of those down in those

old basements in New York.


It was called Mar--



- Martinelli's?

- Yes,




- You said there was music.

- Uh-huh.


- What song did they play?

- Song?


Oh, there must've been a song.

You know, the old ''They're

playing our song'' type of thing.


Oh. Well, if there was,

I wouldn't remember it.


- It was much too long ago.

- Oh.





? La-di-dom

La-di ?


? La-di

La-di-dom ?


? La-da ?


? Though time may tatter?


? Our first sweet thrill ?


 It doesn't matter 


? It never will ?


? La-di-dom

La-di ?





? La-di

La-di-dom ?


? La-da  


[M People Chattering ]




- Hi, peanut.

- Hi, Dad.


- Well, how was the camp?

- Fine.


- No broken bones or anything?

- Mm-mm.


No. Come on,

let's get the bags, honey.


- Here's my baggage check.

- Oh, boy, are you

still biting your nails?


Oh, you noticed.

She told me that you--


- [ Chuckles ]

- What?




Well, I certainly did enjoy

all those nice long,

newsy letters, yes, sir.


Oh, that.

Well, we meant to write,


but we just got so tied up

with-- with plans and things,

you know, well we--


- Who's ''we''?

- Uh, uh.


Us. I mean, I.


Oh, us, There was

a very nice girl there,


We became quite

good friends.


Oh, that's mine.

That's my... bag.




Glad to be home, huh?


It's wonderful.

Were you lonely while I was gone?


- I cried myself to sleep every

night about the first week--

- No, no, seriously.


Well, seriously,

I got to play golf every day.

I played poker at night.


I wish I could find

one of these camps where

they keep you all winter.


- Ho-ho.

- Ho-ho.


It's good to have

you home, goofy.


Uh, Susie, there's, uh...

been a lot of things

happening since you left.


And I think we ought to have

a little quiet talk sometime.


- Oh, sure. I have some things

I wanna talk over with you too.

- Oh, you have, huh?


- Mm-hmm, but not now.

- Okay.


Now I just wanna think

about getting home

and being with my father.


My very ''o-own fa-ather''.


''O-own fa-ather''?


- [ Chuckles ] Father.

- Father.


[ Horn Honking ]


Oh, Daddy,

it's beautiful!


Well, it's just about the same.

You didn't think it was

gonna change, did ya? Hecky!


- [M Man ] Ho!

- Look.


Ah, shoo, shoo.

What have you got there

with ya, Mitch?


- Hi, Hecky.

- How are you, darlin'?


What'd you have to

bring this kid back for?

I thought we got rid of her.


Well, she was hanging

around the airport, I thought

I might as well get her,


- [ Mock Chuckle ]

How was camp?

- Oh, swell.


For heaven sakes,

it's about time. We've been

waitin' for you all day!


- Hi, Verbena.

- Never mind that ''hi''talk,

You just give me a hug,


Oh. Hello, honey.

Let me get a look at you.


Ya-- Ya know, there--

there's a change in you.


Just the same

as I always was.


No. No, you're not. I--


- [ Growling ]

- Not quite sure what it is,


- Hi, Andromeda.

- [ Barking ]


- Stop that, Andromeda!

What's wrong with you?

- [M Growling ]


You crazy dog.

It's Susie, ya silly.


Well, it's almost as if

your own dog didn't know you.


[ Chuckles ]

Funny, isn't it?


Uh, dogs are

funny things.


Well, I guess I'll go up to my room

and put some of those--


- Come on, we'll get you unpacked

while you tell me about camp,

- Coming.


Tell me about all the things you

did at that camp, I wanna get

that laundry of yours too,


-Come down when you get through.

Somebody I want you to meet.

-All right.


- Be down in a minute.

- [M Woman ] Hello, darling,


Mitch, I was wondering when

you'd get back, I was beginning

to get so bored sitting here,


Well, did you tell her

anything about us?


- Good to be home again?

- Sure is.


Verbena, there's

a woman downstairs.



There is indeed.


Well, who is she?

What is she doing here?


I'm not saying a word.

I mind my own business.


EXcept if he wants to make

a ninny of himself, that's his

affair. I don't say a word.


- Well, how did she get here?

- It's none of my never mind.


I don't say a word.


EXcept a man like your father

with a grown daughter

going on  --


He's not what

you'd call one of those...

''charm fellows''...


with a big, teethy grin

and-- and a lot of

artistic clever talk.


- What does a young girl

like her see in him?

- I don't know.


I'll give you a million reasons

and he's got 'em right in the bank.


[ Sighs ]

''It was always thus.''


What was always thus?


I'm not sayin' a word.


I'm not one to talk

about anybody behind their back.


But she's good.

She's awful good.


Those cool blue eyes

lookin' right through you.

Calm, that one.


Go ridin' together, swimmin' together,

out to dinner every night.


But it's none of my business,

understand, That's why

I'm not sayin'a word,


Not one single word.

Besides, I don't think

you oughta talk about people--


Hi, Susie. We were

just talking about you.

Uh, this is Miss Robinson.


- How do you do?

- Hello, darling.


I've been looking

forward to meeting you

for just weeks now.


From the way your father talked,

I eXpected a little girl,

but you're practically a woman.


- I'm nearly  .

- Say, I think I'll go and make

martinis. You want one?


- Oh, I'd love one.

- Uh, how about you, honey?

You want root beer, ginger ale?


- Could I have a ginger ale?

- Sure. You get acquainted.

I'll be just a minute.


- Your father tells me you were

at camp, dear. Was it fun?

- Yes, it was lovely. Thank you.


You know, ever since

I met your father, it's been

''Susan this'' and ''Susan that.''


You're obviously very

good friends, and I think

that's just wonderful.


I can, uh, tell you

something else too

if you can keep a secret.


- From whom?

- From your father.


Oh, then you

better not tell me.


Daddy and I don't keep secrets

from one another.


We tell each other



Oh, well, no, dear.

It wasn't that kind of a secret.


I just wanted to confide in you

that I find him a very special,

wonderful kind of person.


Well,just between us,


he's not too brilliant

or clever with what he says,


you know, like the ''charm fellows''

we all adore so.


We were riding the other day.

Your father let me ride Schotzli.


I understand

she's your horse,


I hope you don't mind

my riding her.


Oh, no.


Schotzli and I are used

to strange women riding her.


- What?

- Oh, you know Daddy.


He's always

playing the field.


- No, I didn't know.

- Oh, yes.


Every week mostly,

he has some different

dame up here.


One week,

I'll never forget,


he had five

different women up here.


- You don't say.

- Of course, it's none

of my business...


if he wants to make a ninny

of himself with all those women.


That's why I'm not saying

a word. Not one single word.


Here you are.

Now, did you two

get to know each other?




We had a lovely

little talk.


[ Alarm Ringing ]


- [ Ringing ]

- Hello?


- [ Operator]

Miss Susan Evers?

- Yes, this is her.


- [ Operator] Go ahead, please.

- Sue, it's Sharon. How's everything?


Ooh, Mother's the absolute

living end! She's gorgeous.

Just breathtaking!


- I got to talk to you

about their first date.

- Susan--


-Italian dinner, drippy candles,

checkered tablecloth--

-Susan, will you listen?


Ooh, I got their song.

It goes like this.

? For now, for always ?


- Susan, I've got

something to tell you.

- ? La-la, la-la, la--  


- Susan!

- What?


We're in trouble.

You'll have to bring

Mother out immediately.


No! Holy smokes,

I just had one day with her.

I hardly got to know her at all.


- Susan, it's an emergency.

There's a woman out here.

- Huh?


Her name's Vicky,

and she's beautiful.


Oh, is that all? Don't be silly.

Dad'd never get serious.


But he's serious about this one.

He's trying to get Vicky and me

to be friends. She's dangerous.


Well, bust it up,

for heaven sakes!


Follow him wherever he goes

and submarine her!


-You've got to tell Mother

and come out here to help!

-I want some more time with her.


- You've had her for   years,

and I just got here!

- Susan!


I won't! Do the best

you can and stay on

Daddy's tail. That's all!


- Susan, please.

- I won't give up Mother

this soon and that's final!


- Good-bye.

- Susan.


[ Sighs ]


I'm glad you could come along

today, honey, because there's

something I wanna talk about.


- It's kind of important.

- Oh, what is it?


- Well, you know the girl

you met at the house, Vicky?

- Mm-hmm.


Well, I thought that we ought

to be alone a little while

so we could talk.


- Well, I wanted to talk to you

about something too, Dad.

- Oh? Okay, go ahead.


All those weeks at camp,

I've been wondering about my mother.


You what? What do you

wanna start wondering about

something like that for?


Well, it's a perfectly

natural thing for a girl

to do. Where is she?


Well, I don't know where she is.

How should I know?


- Last thing I heard, she went

to Spain and married some drunk.

- Daddy, that's not true. Stop.


All right. I lost track.

You wouldn't like her anyway, hon.


She's-- These big staring eyes

and red frizzy hair.


And besides,

she was fat, really fat.


Then why did you

fall in love with her?


Well, you know, you lose

your head sometimes.


Besides that--

Wait just a minute.


Hey, Fletcher, play on through.

I'll pick you up at the bar.


Well, sit down.


[ Clears Throat ] Honey, you

don't wanna start thinkin' about

your mother all of a sudden.


There's a-- Well,

there's no need for that.


You can always come and

talk to me about anything.

You always have.


Well, it's not the same.

Well, father and daughter is okay.


But when a girl gets

to a certain age,


that's when she really

misses her mother.



I mean, uh--


Oh, you mean the talk

about... certain things?


- Yeah.

- That?


[ Inhales ] I guess

we never have just sat down and

talked about that, have we?


Well, this is kind of

an odd place, but I guess

it's as good as any.


Um-- Well, we might as well

get it over with. Uh--


- How-- How much do you

know now already?

- About what?


- About what you were

just talking about?

- Nothing. Absolutely nothing!


- Nothing?

- Well, you never brought up

the subject and I wondered why.


[ Inhales, EXhales ]


Well, honey, um--


All right, we oughta get

straight on one thing first;

that's little boys.


How-- See, I know

how they are because...


- being a man I used to be

a little boy once, so I know.

- I don't know what--


Take my word for it because I

used to be a little boy one time

and I know! I know about it.



[ Chuckles ]



- You're too funny for words.

- What do you mean, ''funny''?


Well, I've known about

all that for simply years.


Well, what the heck were

we just talking about then?


Well, what were you

talking about?


Well, uh--


[ Sighs ]

I think I better go and putt out.


There's the

little beast now.


Why, she's nothing

but a child.


She's a conniving, vicious,

little two-faced brat.


Just smile, pet.


Think of California and that

wonderful community property law...


and just smile,


- Hi.

- Hello, Mitch, darling.


- Hi, Edna.

- Who is this ecstatic,

bright-eyed child?


- Oh, Mitch, this couldn't be--

- Sure, that's Susie.


- Honey, this is Vicky's mother,

Mrs. Robinson.

- How do you do?


- This angelic girl? This is

the one you call ''peanut face''?

- Oh, Daddy, really.


Now, you come right over here

to your Auntie Edna...


and you and I are gonna

get to know one another.

[ Giggles ]


Come on, I wanna hear

all about ya. Down ya go.


- Hi.

- Did you tell her?


- [M Edna Chattering Nonstop ]

- Well, I started to, and

I don't know what happened.


- Oh, Mitch, for--

- All right,just let me do it

in my own way. All right?


Now, it's all settled,


Susan and I have decided

we're all gonna have

a darling lunch right here.


Edna, I'm sorry. I don't think

we can today. I promised to

spend the whole day with Susie.


- We've got some stuff planned,

you know?

- Ahh.


- I'm terribly sorry.

- Oh, that's all right.

Another time, dear.


[ Chuckles ]

You're an adorable thing!


Come on, Susie, We'll get

the horses, We're gonna

take a ride down the beach,


- Have fun.

- Bye, darling.


First change I make in that

household, off she goes to a

boarding school in Switzerland.


Honey, listen, uh...

I've been meaning to ask you,

what do you think of Vicky?


Uh... in what respect?


Well, uh,,, it's just

an ordinary question,


No, it's not.

You ask me what I think of Vicky.


Well, what do I think

of Vicky as what?


I mean, if you ask me

what did I think of her

as a fashion model...


or a famous aviatrix

or something,


then maybe I'd express

some sort of opinion,

but just to ask--


[ Clears Throat ]

All right. Uh...


what do you think of Vicky

as a person?


[ Chuckles ]

Well, Daddy, I really couldn't say.


She's a perfect stranger

to me.


- Beat you back to the house!

- Hey, wait a minute, Susie. Susie!


Hey, I'm not through

talkin' to you!


[M Car Horn Honks ]


Hi, darling.


- Hi.

- Hello, sweetie.


[ Sighs ]


He can't.

He just can't.


Oh, it just makes me so mad,


A man of his age!


All the work and the plans!




You used to

confide in me.


Anything you wanna

talk over with me?




You wouldn't like to

tell me why Andromeda

never comes near ya?


[ Chuckles ]


Or why suddenly

your appetite's changed?


[ Chuckles ]

Dear Verbena, you are a mystic.



I'm no mystic.


Well, asking me

all these crazy questions.


Gee, I don't know

what you're getting at.


You know what

I'm talking about. There--


There's something

very strange about you.


Are you sure there isn't

anything you wanna tell me?


What do you want me

to tell you?


Well, I don't know.

It's... almost as if you were--


No, that's impossible.


Almost as if I were who,



Oh, forget it, honey.

Never mind.


You mean Sharon?


Where did you hear

about her?


Oh, Verbena.


I've got to tell someone.

But you gotta swear

never to tell Daddy.




Now, darling,

try to be diplomatic.


- Honey, I know how

to talk to my own daughter.

- Calmly.


- She's   years old.

She's not eXactly insensitive.

- Good luck.




Oh, hi, Dad.


-Just getting back?

- Uh-huh. Now,just a minute.

I wanna talk to you.


- You didn't know what a good

thing you had when you had it.

- Huh?




-   [ Piano ]

- Now, why'd you go

running off like that?


- I told you I wanted to talk

to you about something.

- I'm listening.


- Get comfortable.

- [ Clears Throat ]

I am comfortable.


What do you want?


Well, first of all,

honey, about me.


Now, oh, you probably

think of me as being

just your father.


And to you,

I probably seem ancient and old.


[ Laughs ]

Not ancient, Daddy.


Well, certainly not.

I'm in my best years.


-   [ Stops ]

- Okay, don't get nervous.


Well, I'm not nervous.


-   [ Resumes ]

- Honey, what seems old to you

now isn't old when you get old.


I mean, when you get older.

That is, when you get to be my

age, it won't seem old to you.


And then

you'll probably--


- Hey, where'd you learn

how to play the piano?

-   [ Stops ]



[ Chuckles ]

They taught us at camp.


- Gee, that's awfully good.

Five weeks--

-   [ ''Chopsticks'' ]


- Could you stop now

for just a minute, please?

-   [ Stops ]


- Yeah, sure.

- Pay attention.


See, I've been wanting

to have this little talk

with you about--


What would you think

about our making Vicky...

a part of our family?


- A part of the family?

- Uh-huh.


- Um-- Oh, I think

that's a wonderful idea.

- You do?


Well, I most certainly do.

I've always wanted to have a sister.


No, no, honey. You see.

[ Laughs ]

You're missing the whole point.


- And how sweet of you

to want to adopt Vicky.

- No, baby.


I don't want to adopt her.

I wanna marry her.


- Marry her?

- Mm-hmm.


Oh, Dad!


You've just

got to be kidding!


[ Sighs ]

You can't marry her.

She's just a child!


She's not a child, She's

a woman, Will you please stop

referring to her as a child?


It's all relative, Dad.

Don't you see? Compared

to her, you're an old man.


- I am not an old man!

- You are too!

It's absolutely revolting!


- Revolting?

- It's the most revolting thing

I ever heard of!. A man of--


- I'm not even gonna discuss it

with you if you don't stop shouting.

- But, Dad--


Just stop it!


All right.

I'm not screaming.


- And we'll talk about this

perfectly calmly and rationally.

- Fine.


You ''ca-un't'' get married!

You'll ruin everything.

All the plans we made!


- What are you talking about?

- The scheming and the diagrams!


And my hair! Look at my hair!

I cut it just for you!


And my fingernails, I bit them

all off just because of you!


Of all the

thick-headed fathers!


- Oh, for days and weeks and weeks!

- Come here.


Nothing but work...


and boys and names and hair and--

[ Groans ]


I don't know what's the matter

with her? I try to talk to her

and she gets hysterical.


- [M Sharon Yelling ]

- Not even making any sense now.


Let me speak to her for

a minute. Women understand

these things better.


Make yourself scarce.


- Hello, darling.

- He's making an absolute

ninny of himself.


Oh, it came as quite

a shock to you the way

he told you, didn't it?


Men put things so badly.


Can't you and I discuss this

calmly and rationally together

like grown-up women?


Oh, I'm sure we can.

You're not afraid to come over

here and talk to me, are you?


I'm not afraid to talk

to anybody.


You're a big girl now, Susan.

You're old enough

to understand...


that wonderful, delicate mystery

that happens sometimes

between a man and a woman.


I know what wonderful,

delicate mystery

Daddy sees in you.


And I can't say I blame

him there, either. You're

very nicely put together.


Your father

underestimates you, I think.


I'm sure you won't,

will you, Vicky?


[ Chuckles ]


Susan, dear,

you've had him to yourself

all this time...


and I can understand

that suddenly to have

another woman around,


well, it's

a tremendous intrusion.


But all my life it seemed

I've hoped and waited

for someone like him.


Someone gentle and mature,

rough-edged but quick to laugh,


someone understanding

and wise,


All the things that I've come

to love and cherish in him.


- Well, that's very refreshing.

- Why, dear?


Most girls just run after Daddy

because he's so wealthy.


Are you inferring that

I'd marry your father for his money?


If the shoe fits, wear it.


Look, pet, I've tried

to be friendly,


but I'm gonna marry your father,

so you get used to the idea.


You wanna bet?


Oh, honey, don't you play

with the big girls.


You'll be in

way over your head.


[M Walking Up The Stairs ]


- Operator.

- Gimme Western Union, please.


For Sharon?

A child of her age

getting a telegram?


Well, don't stand there,

daughter. Let her read it.

It belongs to her.


- But who would possibly

be sending her a telegram?

- [ Groans ]


[ Chuckles Nervously ]


[ Clears Throat ]


- [ Chuckles ]

- [M Margaret ] Sharon?


''Alexander Graham  a,m, ''




Who could she possibly know

in California?


Uh... Bertha Watterbury.

This girl I met at camp.

Sensational girl.


It's a rather cryptic message.

What does it mean?


Well, she's crazy about

this boy AleXander.


And he took her on a very

important date till three a.m.


- I've never heard of such

a thing. A child of that age.

- Oh, Louise.


- [M Grandfather ]

We're living in a modern age,

- [M Louise Ranting ]


[ Sighs ]


- [M Phone Ringing ]

- [M Susan ] Hello?


- Miss Susan Evers?

- Speaking.


- Go ahead please.

- It's me again.


I know. Boy, did I have a time

eXplaining your telegram,



Grandmother went into

a five-minute lecture on raising

children? What's wrong now?


I told you what to do,


You've got to believe me,

it's an emergency.

I'm in this horrible trouble.


- Now, don't dramatize it.

- I'm not, stupid.

This time it's serious.


- It's the worst thing

that could happen.

- You mean it's gone that far?


- At a time like this, I think

Mother ought to be here.

- Okay.


- Tomorrow morning I'll break

the bomb. See ya soon?

- How's Mother?


- Fine.

- Kiss her for me and Grandpa.


Okay, bye.



Hi, Grandpa.


Hi... Susan.


- Susan?

- Yeah--

[ Stammering ]


Sit down. Sit down.


I think you and I

ought to have a little chat.


Don't you?


[ Chuckles Nervously ]


Oh, and we've got the Picasso

eXhibition at : Margaret.

We don't wanna miss that.


- Oh, no.

- Are you coming, Charles?


- No, thank you.

- Then we should get out in time

for Mrs. Saunders' tea.


- Oh, Caroline's daughter's coming.

- Oh, really?


Now, Sharon, you've got

your dancing lesson at  :.


Then you can go straight on

to the musical appreciation

at the Leonardo Hall,


- Oh, Staimes can drive her

in your car, Charles?

- Yes, yes. [ Stammering ]


- Now at ::--

- I don't think I'll be able

to do any of those today.


What did you say?


Sharon, you interrupted

your grandmother.


Well, I have something

important to tell you.


Mother-- Mother, I think

what you and Daddy did to us

children is lousy!


- In fact, I think it stinks!

- Sharon!


And let's get this straight.

I'm not Sharon, I'm Susan!


- Sharon, your Sharon, is out

at California with Daddy.

- But it's impossible!


- You can't be Susan.

- But I am Susan!


Sharon and I met at camp,

so we decided to switch places.


She bit off her fingernails

and I cut her hair.


And now she's out at California

with Dad swimming and riding my

horse and having a keen time,


and I'm stuck here

with these lousy music lessons

and I hate them!




Oh, I'm sorry, Mother.


But I wanted to see you,

and I miss not having a mother.


I love you very much,

and I wondered...


if you could love me as me

and not as Sharon, please?


Oh, Susan.


Oh, my darling.


Why didn't you let me know?

Why didn't you tell me?


I couldn't help it.


I mean, I wanted to be near you

and to know what it was like

to have a mother and everything.


Oh, baby.


Susan, darling.


Oh, dear, let me look at--

She's eXactly--


- I know. I can't believe it.

- Oh, baby. Louise?


- What is it?

- It's wonderful. Oh, darling.


-[M Susan ] We talked about it at camp

and decided it would be the best thing,

- Louise?


- What is it?

- It's most important.


- Well, what is it?

- I just thought they ought to be

alone for a minute, that's all.


She's Margaret's child.

She hasn't seen her since

she was one year old.


- Well, I'm her grandmother!

I have a right to--

- L-L-Louise.


For once I'm putting

my foot down. Let them alone.


I've tried, Mother.

Honestly, I have,

but I don't understand.


Darling, it doesn't mean

that your father and I

didn't love each other.


But sometimes even when people

think a lot about each other,


they sometimes just

don't get on together.


So you're gonna have to

switch us back again, huh?


Well, legally,

you belong to your father

and Sharon belongs to me.


His and hers.

Makes me feel like a bathroom towel.


[ Sighs ]

It's lousy, isn't it?


But don't worry.

We'll find a way.


- A siX-month split. That's

how it's gonna end up.

- A what?


Oh, a lot of kids in camp

have that problem too.


SiX months with one parent.

SiX months with the other.


[ Chuckles ]

Like a yo-yo.


Oh, I don't like it anymore

than you do, darling.


But don't worry.

I'm not gonna lose you now.


- Oh, Bettina, would you

put this in your case?

- May I come in?


- Of course, Dad.

- Well, I have you and Susan

on the noon plane.


- That doesn't give us very much time.

- Best I can do on short notice.


- Well, thank you.

- Traffic's pretty heavy these days.


Are you, uh-- Are you

wearing that dress

on the trip, are you?


- What's wrong with it?

- Oh, it's very nice. Very nice.


Give my best to Mitch when

you see him. I wonder what

kind of a wife he has now.


- Oh, who said he's married?

- Well, a vital romantic

fellow like Mitch,


it's a cinch he'd find

himself a nice young wife.


Well, I certainly hope

that she likes to sleep in the

great outdoors and scale fish.


Yeah, now, no

sour grapes now.


- Oh, Bettina, would you see

if you can find my blue skirt?

- Yes, ma'am.


You know, Margaret, I've got to

hand it to you for one thing.

I've got to give you credit.


It certainly shows strength

of character not to go with the

new fashion trends in clothes.


All right, Dad,

now what are you trying to get at?


Oh, no, I was just saying,

you know-- I'm just saying that.

And take your hairstyle.


- What's wrong with my hair?

- That's what I mean.


Women nowadays are wearing

their hair a little differently.

A little fuller, maybe.


All right, Dad, are you

looking for a fight?


With my favorite daughter?

Not on your life. Now,

now, don't get me wrong.


My goodness.

Well, you know, you are

what you are.


Now, God love you,

I wouldn't want to

change you for the world.


- Who said anything about changing?

- That's what I say.


- Stay the way you are.

- Well, I certainly intend to.


A nice, reliable, settled,

comfortable woman...


who accepts the coming of age

with grace and dignity.


Why, that's the most

horrible thing that anybody

could possibly say!


There you are,

you're flying off the handle.


And all I came in here for

was to kiss you good-bye

and wish you good luck.


[ Chuckles ]

Good-bye, daughter, huh.


- Good-bye!

- Give my regards to Mitch, huh?


You know, come to think

of it, that dress seems

just perfect for you.


- Hi, Mother. I'm all packed.

What time do we go?

- On the noon plane.


We haven't got very much time.

Have you got everything

we wanted for Sharon?




Um, how'd you like to stop over

in New York for a few days?





Well, I thought that

we might do some shopping

before we head West.


Hey, we got a nice

little calf there, Mitch.


[M Cows Mooing ]


What's eatin' you?


Ya ever get that funny feeling like

something's gonna happen?


Like a storm brewin'?


No. Come on.


Verbena! Verbena,

we're here! Sharon!


Verbena, we're here!


Come on, Mother.

Shall I help you with--


- Oh, darling.

- Verbena. How are you?


Mrs. Evers. You just look wonderful.

Here, let me take your things.


- Let me take 'em inside.

Hello, darling.

- Hello, Verbena. How are you?


- Oh, I'm fine. But we've missed you.

- How's Andromeda and Schotzli?


- That's $..

- Thank you very much.

Keep the change.


Come on, Mother.


Can't wait to get you

inside and show you how

lovely everything is.


- Oh, it was just wonderful.

- Oh, fine.


- Mother! Oh,

I'm so glad you came.

- Sharon! Oh, darling.


Oh! You look wonderful!

What'd you do to yourself?


- Do you like it?

- Oh, I love it.


Oh, darling.



Finally, both of you

together at last.


- What do you think of each other?

- Fine.


- We love each other.

- Hi, Sue.


- Hi,

- [ Laughing ]


Oh, and just look at you.

That short hair.


- I cut it, Mother.

- You know, I like it.


Oh, and I love yours,



- Where's your father?

- Oh, he's out somewhere on a horse.


Are we in time?


- Time?

- Didn't you tell her?


Tell me what?


- Well--

- Dad's getting married.


Well-- When is all this

taking place?


Saturday, supposedly.


She just sort of

infiltrated, Mother.


And before you knew it,

Dad was hooked.


If you ask me, Mr. Evers is slipping

into his second childhood.


Oh, your father is old enough to

know what he's doing. Shall we

go upstairs and get unpacked?


- I'm just dying to get into a hot

shower after that long plane trip.

- [ Chattering ]


- Want a beer?

- Yeah, I'll be in in a minute.


You know, I don't say a word,

not a single word.


But the things that Vicky woman

has been up to, well, really--

Oh, well, I--


-   [ Whistling ]

- Hi, Dad!


Oh, well. Hi.

Look who's talking to me?


- Why shouldn't I talk to you?

- Oh, come on, do--


- I can get married anytime

I want to, you got that?

- Yeah.


Don't stand there

and pretend you don't know

what I'm talking about...


after you've been

walking around like a mummy

for two days.


Yes, you, me,

two days, nothing.


- Remember?

- Oh.


Oh, yeah, you and--

[ Sighs ]


I guess I have been acting

sort of sulky lately.


Sulky? Ha! Well, that's

the understatement of the year.



You haven't been sulky.


You've been plain impossible!

You've been monstrous!


Now, pouting is childish.

You're much too old for that.


And not speaking to someone

because you're mad at them

is just plain-- it's, uh--


- Feminine.

- Yes, feminine.

And she's absolutely right.


- And that's the worst part

of being feminine too.

- [M Doorbell Rings ]


The doorbell's ringing.


Yeah, well.

Oh, listen, now.


That's the minister

and Miss Robinson and you're to

be polite to them, understand?


Here. Come here.


- Hello.

- Hello, darling.


Oh, Mitch. Mitchell,

I want you to meet Dr. Mosby.


- Dr, Mosby, Mitchell Evers,

the groom,

-[M Dr, Mosby ] How do you do?


Oh, how beautiful!


Isn't this lovely?

So masculine.


Mitch, it needs

a woman's touch.


[ Gasps ]

There's that angelic

creature again.


- [M Vicky ] Hello, Susan?

How are you today?

- Fine. Thank you.


This is the Reverend Mosby,

dear. He's going to conduct

the marriage ceremony.


- How do you do?

- How do you do, my dear?


- I gotta go up and change.

EXcuse me for just a minute, please.

- Certainly.


Say, how'd you like to be

hostess for a few minutes?


[ Whispering ]

And be polite.


  [ Whistling ]


- Hi, Dad.

- Hi, honey.


- There's some people

downstairs. Did you know?

- Yeah, I know.


  [ Whistling ]


  [ Stops ]


Your grandfather sends his love.

And your grandmother does too

and she's fine.


- She's downstairs.

Do you wanna see her?

- Who, Vicky?


- Mm-hmm.

- No, thanks. I've seen her.


Well, I haven't.


-Hey, Susie, uh--

-Did you want something, Daddy?


No, honey, never mind.


Mother, this is my wedding.

You've had four.


- Why didn't you make

some drinks, Vicky?

- We were waiting for you.


- Let's have something, huh, Edna?

- Anything you have.


- The usual, darling.

- Reverend, I don't

suppose you indulge?


Oh. Well, uh, perhaps

a little something

by way of a nuptial toast.




Bourbon, double,

on the rocks.


- Yes, sir.

- [M Edna ] Vicky,

I know this is your wedding,


but think how

an outdoor ceremony

will look in the newspapers,


I'm inclined to agree

with you, Mrs. Robinson.


You know, the Marco-Dennisons

had their wedding...


- under a striped awning tent,

- Ohh.


last month it was,

and the atmosphere

was ideally apropos,


there in God's natural setting,

under the trees.


Thank you.


[ Chuckles ]


Thank you.


- Oh, Mitchy--

- Upsa-daisy, darling.


[ All Chattering At Once ]




Edna, I think your idea

about having the wedding

outside is wonderful.


- I forgot about the beautiful

trees we have out there.

- [ Chattering ]


The procession starts

from the house. Vicky

comes down the walk.


Now, Dr, Mosby and I could be

right here and we could put

lights out over the lake,


Nothing could be

more perfect.


Look at all those trees

just waiting for--


- Hurry.

- Get hold of him. Grab him.


- All right, I've got him.

- Mitchell, don't drown!

We're gonna be married!


- Pull him up!

- Gimme your hand, quick!


- Mitch, darling.

[ Shouting ]

- Yes, I'm all right.


- You're all wet, for Pete's sake.

- Yes, I'm all right!


- I'll be back in just a minute.

- [M Vicky ] No need to shout,


- We were only worried,

- That way I can get out

of the-- Well,just, wait--


- Mitch.

- Maggie.


- How are you?

- Oh, fine, thanks. How are you?


Oh, I'm fine.

Gee, you look-- You look--


- I got a flock of people out there!

- Don't start yelling!


- Will you tell me

what you're doing here?

- Let me explain!


[M Mitch ]

What in the world

if she sees you?


Will you just keep quiet

a minute, I'll tell you!


Well, what are you

doin' here?


If you'll just stop screaming

at her, she'll eXplain, Dad.


[ Together]



That's what I was

trying to tell you.



Both of'em?




The two of them together?

I can't-- Maggie,

how'd it happen?


We met at camp,

and then the whole thing

just sort of came out.


- They switched places on us.

- [M Mitch ] They what?


Sue came to Boston

to be with me.


- You mean this is Sharon?

- [M Margaret ] Uh-huh,


- I had Sharon all this time?

- Yeah,


- Well--

- You're Sharon?


I wanted to know what

you were like and Susan

wanted to meet Mother.


You are Sharon.

[ Laughing ]


- You were only a tiny

little baby when I--

- You're not mad, are you, Daddy?


No, no, sweetheart.

I just can't believe it's you. That's all.


- Oh, my gosh, the trouble

I had burping you.

- Oh, Daddy, really!


No, I mean it. I spent

most of my nights walking

the floor up and down with you.


- Two o'clock feedings,

- And where was I?


Well, it was half and half.


Oh, you used up more diapers

than any ten kids.


- Daddy, diapers!

- Yes, diapers!


Look at you now.

Look at her.


Quite grown up.


- And quite without a father.

- Ah, honey--


- And I'm quite without a mother.

- Shh.


Now, girls, we'll discuss

this later on.


I want to talk to

your father now.


Come on, Sharon.

They wanna be alone.


Oh, Sharon.


Daddy-- Daddy, please

don't marry that woman.


All right, Sharon,

run along now.


Will you look at that?


I can't believe it. You know,

the last time I saw them

together they were that big,


and you had 'em in that thing

and you were pushing them

through the park.


Oh, what a time for you

to show up,just when

I'm gonna get married.


I didn't know, Mitch,

honest. Sharon told me

when I got here.


That girl is my fiancee and--


I know. I saw her.


All right...

let's have it.


I think she's adorable.


Well, sure you do.

EXcept for what?


I think she's

a perfect dream.


Of course, her eyes

are a little too close together,

if you don't mind that.


Maggie, don't try those

old, worn-out tricks on me.

They don't work anymore.


Now, will you just

go on upstairs and put

on something decent?


- I'm perfectly decent.

- Oh, sure, running around

in my bathrobe!


That looks great. She's liable

to come in and see you in that.

It looks like we just--


- Like we what?

- You just go upstairs and put

on some clothes, that's all!


Don't you use that tone

of voice with me. We're not

married anymore, remember?


But this is my house! You're

not gonna go running around

in it dressed in that thing!


I'll do anything that

I please and don't start

ordering me around!


Maggie, I'm warning you for

the last time, now go upstairs

and put on some clothes--


Don't try force on me.

I lammed you once and I can do it--


- Now, stand back.

- Now, Maggie. Maggie.


Don't start that,

will you? Come on.


- Mitch, take your hands off me.

Now let me alone.

- [ Groaning ]


- I'm warning you!

- [ Moans ]


- [ Gasps ] Oh.

- Ow! Why did you

have to do that?


Oh, Mitch, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.


Why do you have

to get so physical?


Can't even talk to you about

anything. You're always trying

to belt me with something.


- That's the most vicious thing.

- Oh, Mitch, now

it can't be that bad.


- It's typical of you.

It is too that bad. It hurts.

- Let me see it.


- Leave it alone.

You've done enough.

- Help me here. Open up.


- Let me see.

- Don't-- Don't hand open it.


- Ow! Oh, now you did it.

- Oh, Mitch.


Stop acting like a big baby.

Now, I didn't get a good look at it.


- I want a doctor to look at it.

- Don't be ridiculous.

You're worse than the twins.


Mr. Evers? Mr. Evers?

The ladies were wondering--


Oh, eXcuse me.


- Oh!

- Reverend.


Now, wait just a minute, sir.

There's nothing wrong here.


Listen-- Listen.


Nothing wrong at all.

It's not anything like

you were thinking.


It's very easy to eXplain.

You see, sir, this is my wife.




- How do you, madam?

- Rev. Mosby, my wife.


How do you do?


- Then what about--

- Oh, no. EX-wife.


She came out here

all of a sudden, very uneXpectedly...


to discuss some little miX-up that

we had about the children.


While we were discussing it, I

merely suggested she go and put

on something decent because--


What am I telling you all this for?

It's none of your darn business.


Well, don't snap at him so.

He didn't ask for an eXplanation.


You're the one who's babbling

on as if there were...

something to hide.


- Dr. Mosby isn't at all shocked

seeing me like this, are you?

- Of course he's shocked.


He walks in here and you're

running around in that get-up,

climbing over me on the couch.


On the contrary, I'm not

at all shocked. I see nothing

wrong with your wife's attire.


- EX-wife.

- She's very beautiful, in fact.




You see,

I knew I liked you.


Also, Mr. Evers, you'll

find that I'm not without

a sense of humor.


- I find this situation

fraught with humor.

- [ Chuckles ]


- Quite out of the everyday,

as we say, eh?

- [ Laughing ]


Could you eXcuse us for

just a moment, Dr. Mosby?


Listen, Maggie, for once

in your life try to be

a little understanding, please?


I've got to go outside

and eXplain why you're here.


Now that-- that's

not gonna be easy.


- And I suppose

they'll want to meet me.

- I suppose that's natural.


Besides, I wanna

keep this thing honest

and above board.


Very well, then. I'll just

run upstairs and slip into

something more comfortable.



Very funny.


- Oh, Dr. Mosby,

don't you run away now.

- I'll be here.


- I'll be back in just a few minutes.

- I'll look forward to that.


A delightful woman, Mr. Evers.

However did you let her

slip away from you?


- She's simply delightful.

- [ Chuckles ]


[M Groans ]


- Why couldn't she have

checked in into a hotel?

- I told you, I didn't invite her.


- I knew something would go wrong.

- Nothing has gone wrong.


- Nothing's gone wrong?

- She was home when I got here.

She had already unpacked.


- [M Edna ]

She's going to spend the night?

- [M Vicky ] I won't have that!


Wait a minute.

You're reading implications--


Wouldn't you like to go out

and look at the garden?


- No, no, indeed.

I'm enjoying this immensely.

- You are?


Very interesting situation.

Quite out of the everyday, you know.


- [ Chuckles ]

- Yes, it sure is.


Edna, listen, I guarantee you,

by tomorrow morning--


Mitch, I will not have her

spending the night in this

house. You get rid of her.


Vicky, will you try to be

a little understanding. Now,

she is not that kind of a woman.


She's a woman.

That's enough.


Edna, she's not what you think

at all. In the first place,

she's from Boston.


- [ Chuckles ]

- She's older. She's more mature.


- Oh, yes, of course.

- She's already had two children.

She's really the motherly type.


- Vicky, I swear to you on a stack

of bibles, you've got nothing--

- [M Footsteps On Stairs ]


Hello, everybody.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I'm Margaret McKendrick.


- Hello, hello, hello.

- Oh, hello, again,


And this must be Vicky.


Oh, you are adorable.

I'd know you anywhere

from Mitch's description.


I'm Mrs. Robinson.


Oops! Sorry, Mitch.


It could happen to anybody.

[ Chuckling ]




Oh, you are divine.

Oh, Mitch, she's simply breathtaking.


I was just thinking

the same thing about you, dear.


At my age?


Oh, you are

a sweet child.


- Mitch described you

somewhat differently.

- He certainly did.


[M Laughing ]

Uh-- Excuse me,


Of course you know what husbands

think about ex-wives,:


like an old, comfortable,

worn-out shoe cast in the closet,


Well, off with the old...


and on with the new, eh?


I must say,

you are young.


- Isn't that lucky for Mitch?

- Yes,


I was so thrilled when

I heard you were going to take

the plunge with old Mitch,


- Maggie.

- We really must celebrate

this occasion.


Mitch, darling,

be a good boy and run along

and open up some champagne.


Now, tell me all about yourself.

We really must get to be

very good friends.


No! I don't want you

to get to be very good friends!

Now, that's not the idea!


- [ Mumbling ]

- We have to be running anyway.


- Well, perhaps you'd better.

- All good things have to come

to an end, you know.


Oh, dear, what a pity.

Just as we were getting

to know each other.


So nice to have met you.


I know you won't be coming

to the wedding, but you'll see

it in the society columns.


- Never read them.

- Oh, really. What a shame.

You miss so much.


Actually, I never go

to funerals or weddings.


I prefer elopements.

They're much more romantic.


What a shame you can't stay

and have dinner with Mitch

and me and the children.


Yes, Vicky and I have

a million things to do.


You know, fittings

and odds and ends to buy.


Just charge it

to good old Mitch.

[ Whispering ] He's loaded.


- Oh? I didn't... really know.

- Oh, didn't you?


Well, good-bye,

It was so nice to have met you,


Good-bye, Vicky, darling.

You're just as cute as you can be.


[ Laughs ]





charming woman.


It's amazing how he ever

let her slip away from him.


You want me to lose my job?

Your pa'll fire me for sure.


- Oh, go on, Hecky, please?

- We're leaving tomorrow

and I've only got tonight.


- Please?

- No. I won't be any part

of a conspiracy like this.


He'll do it, or else

he'll cook his own meals

for the neXt month.


A gypsy?

[ Moans ]


[ Groans ]


Hey, uh, what happened

to dinner?


Oh, dinner's being served

on the patio tonight.


- Oh, whose idea is that?

- It's none of my never mind.

I don't say a word.


- I know, you never say a word.

- People who talk

too much talk too much.


So I don't say anything,

I mind my own business,

I've been doing that for years,


Hey, Verbena, what the

heck's all this? What--


- Don't ask questions. Go sit.

You wanna ruin everything?

- Ruin what?


- You gonna tell fortunes--

- Go sit down.

Dinner's all ready to serve.


[M Crickets Chirping ]


- [ Chuckles ]

- [M Footsteps ]


Well, what's all this?


I don't know, Don't ask me,

I just got here,

This is just my house,


- Nobody ever tells me anything

about what's going on.

- And dinner on the patio.


Was this your idea, Mitch?


No, it was not my idea.

What are you looking at?


Oh, Mitch, that eye, it just

looks dreadful. Now, really,

you must put something on it.


- Don't you concern yourself.

- What did you do, step on a rake?


No. Actually, a very well-bred

ladylike Bostonian matron

pinned it on me...


if you want

the Associated Press release on it.


Anybody I know?

Oh, Verbena.


- Sort of special for tonight.

I think you'll like it.

- [ Sniffs ]


- Smells delicious.

- Now what do you call that?


- Veal parmigiana.

- Veal--


- I hate that kind of stuff.

She knows that.

-   [M Violin ]


What do you think

you're doing?


Mitch, please,

I may go out and kill

myself, I don't know.


[M Susan ]

Hecky, come on! It's time!


- [ Laughing ]

- EXcuse me, Mitch. All right.


[M Laughter Continues ]


Mitch, please

don't laugh at this.


- What's the matter with you?

- Well, don't you see?


Ladies and gentlemen, the

management has gotten together

some entertainment for you,


Well, without... further ado,

ladies and gentlemen,


I'd like to introduce

direct from Boston...


playing Beethoven's

''Fifth Symphony'' on the piano,


Miss Sharon McKendrick.


[M Applause Stops ]


Hey, what's

all this noise?


Would you kindly get off the stage?

I'm in the middle of a concert.


A concert! Honey, you're going

to put the paying customers

to sleep with all this jazz.


You gotta get the new sounds.


  [ Strumming ]


Come on, now,

let's compromise.


You give a little. I'll give a little.

Come on, let's get together.


That's it!


? Let's get together

Yeah, yeah, yeah ?


? Why don't you and I combine ?


? Let's get together

What do ya say?


? We could have

a swingin' time ?


[ Together]

? We'd be a crazy team ?


? Why don't we beg to see ?


? Together

Oh, oh, oh, oh ?


? Let's get together

Yeah, yeah, yeah ?


  Think of all

that we could share 


? Let's get together every day?


? Every way and everywhere ?


? And though

we haven't got a lot ?


? We could be sharing

all we've got ?


? Together?


? Oh, I really think

you're swell ?


? Uh-huh, we really

ring the bell ?


? Ooo-we, and if you

stick with me ?


? Nothin' could be greater

Say, hey, alligator?


-  Let's get together


- [ Laughing ]


? Two is twice as nice

as one ?


? Let's get together

right away?


? We'll be having

twice the fun ?


? And you can always

count on me ?


? A gruesome twosome

we will be ?


? Let's get together

Yeah, yeah, yeah  


[ Laughs ]

Oh, that was wonderful, girls!


[M Mitch Laughs ]


- Great! Great!

- Wonderful, girls, Marvelous!


- Come on down and have dinner.

- Yeah, come on, we got spaghetti,

all kinds of glop.


Oh, no, it's all right,

thank you. We've already

had dinner in the kitchen.


Yes. You go ahead

and enjoy yourselves.

We're going to bed.


Good night, Mom.

Good night, Dad.


Mm-hmm. Good night, Mom.

Have fun.


- Good night, girls.

- Good night, kids.


How about those two monkeys,

huh? Imagine them putting

together a thing like that.


- Oh, they've put much more

than that together, Mitch.

- What do you mean?


Well, don't you understand?

The drippy candles,


the violin music,

the veal parmigiana,


-   [M''For Now, For Always'']

- Martinelli's. Don't you remember?


- Oh.

- Our first date.

They tried to recreate it.


Crazy, sweet kids.






[ Sighs ]

Well, what are we going

to do about them?


Now that they've met,

we certainly can't keep them apart.


No, we sure can't

do that, can we?


Well, I guess

the only logical thing we can do is...


try to share them.


You could take them both for

siX months and then I could have

them for the rest of the year.


That way at least

they'd be together.


I think that's the best way,

don't you?


Yes, I guess it is.


- ''SiX-month split.''

That's what Susan calls it.

- Yeah.


That's about all we can do.


You know, Mitch, all of a sudden,

I'm-- I'm very depressed.


Ah, Maggie, it would have been

worse if we'd stayed together,

you know that.


All that fighting and squabbling.

You with that Irish temper.


- You were just as difficult

and hard to get along with.

- Oh, sure, I know. I admit it.


- It was a mistake in the beginning.

- Was it, Mitch?


Well, it's pretty obvious,

isn't it?


You know, you haven't

changed much. The years have

been good to you, Mitch.






aren't you going

to return the compliment?


Oh, yeah. You know,

as a matter of fact, Maggie,

you look... pretty good.


Well, don't stumble

over the words. You know,

you don't have to say them.


No, really, I mean it.

Uh-- What did you do

to yourself anyway?


Do to myself?


SiXteen plastic surgeons,

a major reconstruction job on my

face so I could be presentable.


- Aw, Maggie--

- Well, who do you think I am?


Some troll who crawled

out of the woods

to come calling on you?


Oh, I admit, I'm not as young

as that simpering, baby-faced,


- platinum doll who's got

her hooks in you!

- Now, don't get started on Vicky,


Oh, that's right, don't say

anything about that dear,

sweet, precious Vicky.


That plotz-faced child bride

and her electric hips!


Oh, I-I'm sorry, Mitch.


It always happens,

doesn't it?




Well, it won't

happen anymore.


I'm leaving in the morning

with Sharon.


I really do

mean this, Mitch,


I wish you the best

of everything with Vicky.


Holy smokes!

What a lousy mess they made of that.


All our plans, and Mother and I

will be leaving tomorrow.


[ Sighs ] Well, don't give

up. We've got all night

to think of something.


- Like what?

- Well, I don't know.


But something.


- Sharon, taXi's waiting.

- I'm coming,


- Susan, aren't you coming down

to say good-bye to me?

- Be right there, Mother,


Sharon. Susan.


I'll-- I'll send Susan

back for Christmas.


I'll see that... Sharon

comes out here for Easter.


Well, I suppose

that's the best way.


I suppose so.


What are you doing

in those clothes?


Sharon, what is this?


Well, I'll tell you.

We've thought it over

and we've come to a decision.


- Yep. We decided

we were getting gypped.

- Yeah, gypped.


- Oh--

- Now what do you mean, gypped?


Well, we decided that

we wanted to spend our--

our camp out together.


- So, whichever

one of us is Sharon--

- And we won't tell.


- Whichever one of us is Sharon,

we're not going to Boston.

- [M Mitch ] Ha!


Now, don't get smart

with me, girls.


Sharon, go right upstairs

and put your suit on. Now, go on.


Are you sure she's Sharon?


Of course she is!


- Aren't you?

- [M Susan Laughs ]


- Tough to tell, ain't it?

- Ain't it?


Isn't it? Now, stop

all of this foolishness.

We're going to miss the plane.


- That's the whole idea.

- [ Gasps ]


- Mitch, do something!

- Susan, go--


- Yes, Daddy?

- Yes, Daddy?


- That's not funny!

- That's not funny.


- That's not funny.

- Oh, this one is Susan.

The smart aleck here.


- Are you sure?

- Of course I'm sure. I know

my own daughter, don't I?


You're not really sure,

are you, Daddy?


- You know, I'm not.

- I think they're ready to listen.


Right, here's the deal.


We leave for the camp out

immediately, all of us.


And when you bring us back

on Friday, then we'll tell you

who's Sharon and who's Susan.


That's the deal.

Take it or leave it.


What am I to do for three days

while you're off on some

crazy trip into the woods?


- Stay home and knit?

- It's not my fault.

I can't tell them apart.


- What do you want me to do?

- Give them a good spanking

and make them tell.


Oh, you don't spank

  year olds, especially

for something like this.


- Is she coming along?

- That's part of the deal.


- Mitch, I will not have it.

- Good morning, Vicky.


I will not sit while

you're off prowling

through the woods with her.


- You're absolutely right.

- Will you keep out of this?


Oh, Mitch, you just can't go off

and leave your fiancee alone

for three whole days.


- What on earth would people say?

- Sure, all right, group activity

leader, what do you suggest?


- I think that you ought

to come along with us.

- Fine.


- Maybe I just will.

- It's the only decent thing to do.


- Sure.

- Of course, we're going to have

to get you another outfit,


but I know where Mitch

keeps his old shirts.


We can find you some boots,

and very quickly we will

have you all fiXed up.


Are they all comin'

with us?




- Hecky, here's some more stuff.

- All right, keep your shirt on.


- Hi, Dad.

- Hi.


- Here.

- Everything's almost packed.


- When do we get going?

- Have you got enough?


-Just fasten the belt

a little bit tighter.

- [M Vicky ] Yes,


- Where does she think she's going?

- She's gonna come along, honey.


- Are you kidding?

- Nope,


Besides, it's waterproof.

Oh, here we are, Mitch.

All ready to go.


- But she can't come along!

- [M Margaret ]

Now, girls, don't be rude,


We decided that your father

couldn't possibly leave Vicky

alone for three whole days.


Well, let's get the show

on the road, huh?


- You first. You'll want to

sit beside Mitch, won't you?

- If you don't mind?


My pleasure. The way things

have worked out, I think you and

Vicky ought to be there alone.


What are you saying?


Maggie, in or out.

Come on, will ya?


- If you're not going, I--

- Now, Vicky, don't worry your

pretty little head about me.


I'll just lie around the lake

and soak up plenty of sun.


Besides, it'll give you

a chance to get to know the girls.


You're going to have them

for siX months out of the year.


- Bye, Vicky. Watch out for snakes.

- Thanks a lot!


Bye, girls.

Have a good time. Bye.


  [ Whistling ]


- Oo-oh.

- You all right?


Oh, I'm just dandy.

Some fun.


- What's the matter?

- Vicky's not used to this,

honey. We'll rest a minute.


[ Sighs, Groans ]


Lake's not far now.

Just about another hour's all.


Look, I'll put it on it.



- Gee, is it hot?

- What of it?


Well, I just thought maybe

you'd like some of my water.


Thanks a lot.


No, there's a thing on there!

[M Screaming ]


- What is it?

- It's only a little old tree lizard.


Look, Dad, it wouldn't

hurt anybody. Look.


- Get that thing away

from me! I hate it!

- [ Laughing ]


Cut that out.

[ Chuckles ]

Honey, come on.


Oh, get that away from me.

I hate them. They're just miserable.


[ Both Laughing ]


-Now, you two stay here and

help Vicky, you understand?

-Yeah, sure we'll help her, Dad.


Oh... sure you'll help me.

Right over a cliff you'll help me.


What did we do?


Never you mind those angelic faces.

I know viXen when I see 'em.


Just remember this,

You start anything,


and I will make your lives

just miserable for you later on.


You get me, pets?


See that?

Cougar tracks.


- It's a form of mountain lion.

- No kidding?


- Lions?

- Oh, sure,


There are hundreds of'em up here,

Ooh, they'll really mess you up,


They'll grab at your eyes.

They'll eat ya, you know.


But there's a trick

an old Indian guide showed me.


See? You hit two sticks like

this and the noise frightens 'em

and they won't eat you,


- [M Banging Sticks ]

- Like that?


Yeah, that'll

keep 'em away.


Come on.


[M Banging Continues ]


- [ Both Laughing ]

- Quick.


- Hey!

- [ Gasps ]


- Enjoying yourself?

- Perfectly wonderful time.


- [M Girls Shouting, Laughing ]

- My feet are killing me.


Oh, why don't you go down

and soak 'em in the lake.

That'll cool 'em off.


- You think?

- Why, sure. Go on.


I'll try anything.


Come on in!

It's not deep.


- You sure?

- Sure I'm sure. Look, I'm standing.


- [ Screams ]

- Mitch, come on!


[ Both Laughing ]


[ Panting ]


Ah! Hecky, you really

did yourself proud.


Thanks, Mitch.

You sure you, uh, won't

change your mind, miss?


I detest trout!

How many times do I have to tell you?


I'll wait and eat in the morning.

What are we having for breakfast?




We don't catch fish just to

throw 'em away, We always eat

off the trail up here,


- That's part of the fun.

- Only part of the fun? Swell.


What do you do on Saturday nights?

Go down and throw rocks in the lake?


You insisted on coming.

The least you can do

is make the best of it.


I was tricked into coming.

She tricked me.


[ Chuckling ]

She sure did, didn't she?


If you wanna go back,

Hecky can always take you down.


Oh, why, sure, miss.

I'd be happy to walk you

down to the truck.


I'll stick it out, thanks.


Oh! What do they think

I'm running, a free blood bank?


- I think they like this stuff.

- What do you got?


Oh, mosquito repellant.


It doesn't even smell

like anything.


[ Laughs ]

For Pete's sake, that's

nothing but sugar and water.


- What?

- That'll bring every mosquito

for  miles around.


Now, where'd you get that?


An old Indian scout

gave it to me. Said it would

keep the mosquitoes away.


Hecky, I think I'll have some

more of that wonderful trout.


Oh, yeah.


I'm turning in.


- Good night.

- Good night.


- Good night, Vicky.

- Good night, Vicky.




Honey, what are you

doing with the sticks?


Well, what do you think

I'm doing? I'm keeping

the mountain lions away.


- Mountain lions?

- Well, yeah, the noise--


- The noise doesn't frighten

mountain lions away?

- Not a bit.


Good night!


  [ Humming

''Let's Get Together'' ]


- Now,just why did you

do that to Vicky?

- Daddy, I swear that--


Never mind!

It's a terrible thing to do,


Isn't it?


Just terrible.


Now, I don't want anymore

of that from either of you,

you understand?


Yes, Daddy.


- Both of you?

- Yes, Daddy.


All right.


[ Loud Snoring ]


[ Snoring, Grumbles ]


[M Birds Twittering ]


[ Screams ]

Oh, get me out of here!

There are animals in here!


Let me out!

[M Screaming ]

Let me out of here!


Get them away from me!

Get those wild animals out!

Get 'em away! I hate 'em!


I hate them! Let me out!

Get them away from me!

[M Crying ]


I hate this place! I hate this

filthy, stinking, dirty place!


What you yellin' about? They's

just little bitty old bear cubs.

They wouldn't hurt a fly.


You shut up

and get me my boots!


Yes, ma'am.


Oh, I hate this place!

This may be somebody's idea

of fun, but it's not mine!


I hate the fish!

I hate the lake! I hate the trees!

I hate the filthy bugs!


What the heck are you

doing to the food?


- I wanna go back

to Central Park East!

- What's happening?


You big overgrown jerk!

It's not worth it.


Do you want your clothes,



Thanks a heap. You, you're twins.

Do you share everything?


- Everything.

- Everything.


Well, you give your sister

her half of this.


Hey, wait a minute.

There's no cause for that.

They didn't do anything to you.


You'll never know what they

did to me, you big goon!


Get me outta this

stinkin' fresh air!


- [M Sharon ]

Mother, where are you?

- Hi!


Oh. You're back early.

Now, which one are you?


- Sharon.

- Did you have a good time?


Oh, sensational!

But... well, at least we did,

but I don't think Vicky did.


- Well, what happened?

- Hi, Mom.


- Well, hi.

- How are you?


- Wonderful. Hello, there.

- Good evening.


- Have you had your dinner?

- Oh, we're not hungry.


Then you better go upstairs

and have your baths.

You both look filthy to me.


- Then we'll tell you about Vicky,

but not while he's there, okay?

- Shh. Okay.


So, you had a wonderful time.

What happened?


Oh, now, don't you give me

that with the big eyes,

''What happened?''


- You knew darn well

what was gonna happen.

- What happened?


All right, you name it and it

happened. The whole thing was

a shambles. Now you happy?


- Tsk-tsk-tsk.

- It's the last time I'm gonna

take a woman to the mountains.


Oh, uh, where's, um,

uh, what's-her-name?


- Vicky?

- Yeah,yeah, Vicky,


Yeah, yeah. Well, she

took off like a pelican...


and she's probably

at Park Avenue and  th Street

by now, and good luck to her.


Ah. Well?


We've been talking...


and we feel that

we owe you an apology.


Well, I mean, we feel sort of guilty

about what we did to Vicky.


What did you do to her?


Well, um,,,


I guess you could say

we submarined her.


Well, it's none of our business

who you wanna marry,

and we ruined it for you.


Well, um...


that's done with now, so we

won't talk about it anymore,


We're really sorry, Dad.

Will you forgive us?


Aw, go on to bed,

you monsters.


What are you gonna do, huh?


-Do you want something to eat?

-Well, uh, sure you got enough?


Oh, sure, I cooked

enough for you and Susan

for dinner tomorrow night,


Remember, Sharon and I

are leaving in the morning.


- Oh, yeah, leaving.

- Wash your hands.


Oh, yeah, I better.


  [ Humming ]


  [ Humming Stops ]


[ Clears Throat ]

Where's Verbena, anyway?


I wasn't eXpecting you back,

and it didn't make sense for her

to stay around here just for me,


so I gave her

the night off.


Say, you know, I-- I think

I'll just go upstairs and wash up.


I'll be right back.

I'll just be a minute.


I don't know what he saw in her.

She had a horrid taste in clothes...


- and absolutely

no personality at all.

- [ Wolf Whistle ]


- Wow!

- Where ya goin', to a party?


[ Chuckling ]

That is none of your business.


Good night, ladies.

Sleep tight.


  [M Waltz ]


- Hi.

- Well! I thought you were just

going to ''wash your hands''?


- Oh, well, I got started, I thought

I might as well do a good job of it.

- Shh.


- What?

- Do you hear music?


Are those children

looking at television when

I told them to take a bath?


Oh, that's the hi-fi.

I just snapped it on when

I was coming downstairs.


I thought a little music

would be nice with dinner.


Also, I thought

a little red wine might

be good with the stew, huh?


- Oh. [ Laughs ]

- [ Laughs ]


To the mother

of my children...


and the most beautiful mother

any two kids ever had.


- Oh, Mitch, you can be

the most eXasperating man.

- What's the matter?


Waiting until we're here

in the kitchen eating stew

and-and me in my bare feet.


I like you in bare feet.


Well, it puts a woman

at a disadvantage.


Good. Here's

to your disadvantage.



[ Chuckles ]


  [M Continues ]


Here. Sit down

and eat your stew.


- Yeah.

- Don't spill it now.


- Oh, darn!

- What's the matter?


Well, I've got a wet dishcloth on

and I put some knots in it.


Open it for me.


Maggie, as long as

everybody's, uh, apologizing,


I think maybe

I better do mine too.


I mean,

about the other night.


I didn't mean for it

to sound like that.


I guess I'm not very good

with the compliments, what, with

growin' up out here with cows--


Oh, now, don't gimme

that old ''growing up

with the cows'' routine.


- You handed me that years ago.

- I did not!


You certainly did!


[ Sniffles ]

Well, it worked, didn't it?


- You liked it.

- [ Chuckles ]


[ Sighs ]


- Ah, Maggie, you're so beautiful.

- Oh.


No, I mean it.

I know I don't say things

like... you wanna hear 'em,


but I've been thinking

a lot about you...


and us and the way

things used to be,


- This might sound funny, but you

know what I miss most of all?

- Mitch.




You've got stew

all over you.


- I don't care.

- Go and wash it off.


What do you miss?




I don't care if

it does sound silly,


I miss those wet stockings

you used to have hanging

around the bathroom.


And I miss my razor being

dull because you used it

to shave your legs with.


[ Low Gasp ]


And I miss the hairpins

miXed up with the fishhooks

in my tackle boX.


It's no fun having

a clothes closet all to myself.


And it's no fun swearing

because you're not around to...



you're shocked by it.


Well, nothing's any good

without you, Maggie.

I miss a lot of things.


I guess I just miss you.


Why did you take

so long to tell me?


I don't know.


Well, because--


because I guess I was hoping

that you'd come back sometime.


Oh, Maggie.

I've been the prize chump

of the world. We both have.


We're gonna grow up

into a couple of old, lonely people...


if we don't do

something about it.


- I know.

- You don't want that, do you?


No, Mitch.


Oh, Mitch.

It's been so long.


So very long.

[ Crying ]


Are you crying?



You can slug me in the eye

anytime you want?



[ Laughs ]


[ Gasping ]


- What's the matter?

- Oh, my gosh!


I just had the craziest dream.

Oh, my goodness!


- What is it?

- You and I were marching

along real slow,


sort of funny-like,

in organdy dresses.


And there was music

coming from someplace.


-   [M''Wedding March'']

- And there were flowers and people,


  [M''For Now, For Always'']


 For my love

was meant for 


  Was heaven sent 


 For now 


 For always 


 For you  

Donated by SergeiK