Parenthood Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Parenthood script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Martin movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Parenthood. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Parenthood Script



How about some red-hot peanuts?



Peanuts! Get your peanuts here!



Go! Go! Go! Go!






Now batting for the Cardinals,

number 14 Stanley Boyer!



Come on!



We missed four innings.



Well, like l said, l had to stop

and do some business. Here. Sit down.



Hey, you usher,

can l talk to you a second?



Yes, sir.



Gil, this is Stan.

Heīs gonna watch you for a while.



l have some friends līm meeting.

līll be back for the ninth inning.



- Have fun, kid.

- Get your programs!



- So, Gilly, big baseball fan?

- Kind of.



Dad bring you here a lot?



Once a year on my birthday.

Then he pays an usher to watch me.



Oh, l see.



You have to understand,

my father in his own childhood...



was without a positive

male influence.






His own father kicked him out

when he was   ...



so my dad was taught to see

child raising as a burden--



a prison rather than a playground.



You understand what līm saying?



- You donīt talk like a kid.

- Well, līm not really a kid.



- Youīre not a duck.

- līm remembering when l was a kid.



līm    now.

l have kids of my own.



You donīt really even exist.



- Youīre an amalgam.

- A what?



A combination of several ushers

my dad left me with over the years.



- l combined them into one memory.

- Why?



This was a great

symbolic moment in my life.



My father dumping me with you.



ltīs why l swore things would be

different with my kids.



ltīs my dream--

strong, happy, confident kids.



Thatīs great.



Youīve got a lovely family,

and līm a goddamn amalgam!



Whoīs that?



- Thatīs my wife.

- Nice.






Gameīs over, honey.



The St. Louis Cardinals thank you

for attending todayīs game.



Please drive home safely

and soberly.



Letīs go.



Come on, Justin.

Do you want to walk? Letīs walk.



ltīs fun. Come on. Letīs walk.

Sure you donīt want to walk?



There we go.



līll get it.



Thereīs your pennant.



Watch it!

Watch the car.



Watch it.

Thereīs so many cars.



Want me to put you down?



Where is that kid?

Where is she?



- Daddy!

- Oh, there she is.



Get in the seat.

Buckle up.



- Honey? Taylor.

- Hey, hey, hey!



Youīre a rat.



When youīre slidinī into first

and youīre feelinī something burst



Diarrhea, diarrhea



When youīre slidinī into third

and you lay a juicy turd



Diarrhea, diarrhea



When youīre slidinī into home

and your shorts are full of foam



When youīre sitting in your Chevy

and your shorts are feeling heavy



Kevin, honey,

where did you learn that song?



Last summer at camp, Mom.



Ah, that was money well spent.



When youīre slidinī into first

and youīre feelinī something burst



Diarrhea, diarrhea



Thatīs what youīre gonna sleep in?

Youīll get cold.






Gil, Taylor isnīt feeling well.

She wants you.



- ltīs those hot dogs.

- līll deal with Kevin and Justin.



Hey, what do you say? Later when

the kids are asleep, l wear this outfit?



Sheīs in our bed.



Hi, Daddy.



Whatīs the matter, honey?

You donīt feel so good?



- You feel like you want to throw up?

- Okay.



Oh, my God.

Oh, Taylor, baby, sweetie.



Gil, why are you

just standing there?



līm waiting for her head

to spin around.



Oh, can you come with me to see

Kevinīs principal on Monday?



Oh, l love it when you talk to me

about school and meetings.



- Now talk to me about shopping.

- l know. līm sorry.



l just remembered now.

līve been meaning to ask you.



Fine. līll be there.



Whatīs the matter?



Nothing. l was

a little tense before, but--



No, l mean with Kevin.

Why are we going to see his principal?



Oh, because his teacher said

heīs been making that face again.



Oh, what, this?



Yes, the tense face.



He makes that same face

at Little League.



- You know what his teacher asked me?

- What?



lf weīd ever taken him

for a psychiatric evaluation.



- What?

- She was just asking.



Why? Because he makes a face?

Has she ever looked in the mirror?



Well, you know, the face,

the crying, the nervousness.



- They mentioned the crying?

- Yeah.



You know, he doesnīt really

finish his work.



Hey, weīll talk to them on Monday.



Donīt worry.

līm sure heīll be fine.



Come here.



Where was l?



- Was l here?

- Yeah.



- l was there already?

- Mm-hmm.



That really pisses me off.



The kid needs a little

more attention...



so the teacherīs gonna put

a label on him: ''problem kid.''



Letīs find out who Kevinīs teacher

is gonna be next year...



and make sure itīs not

one of these hysterics!



Youīre right, Gil.

Kevinīs great.



He canīt be that much of a problem.



Right. Now, if it was

my sisterīs kid--






Thereīs a kid with problems.



Hi, Garry.

Youīre up so early.






- Where are you going?

- Out.



- Whatīs in the bag?

- Nothing.



The whole familyīs coming tonight.

Thereīs a big surprise.



Grandma and Grandpa

are gonna be here.



Uncle Gil and Aunt Karen

are bringing their kids.



Aunt Susieīs gonna be here

and Uncle Nathan and their kids.



lt was nice talking to ya.






- Hey, Julie.

- Yeah?



- Can l come in for a minute?

- Yeah.



l really need your help.

The whole familyīs coming tonight.



- Could you just give me a hand?

- Yeah, in just a few minutes.



Are you all right?

l heard you moaning last night.



l had a stomachache,

but itīs fine now.



- You hate me?

- What?



For making you study so much

and giving up all your dates.



No, you were right.



Honey, līm telling you,

those SAT scores are your ticket.



And, sweetie,

once you get to school...



youīre gonna meet a lot of guys

you like just as well as that Tod.



Why do you always say ''that Tod''?

lt sounds so--



Youīre right. līm sorry.

ltīs been pleasant for a moment.



līm just gonna give everybody

spaghetti and salad...



and l better cook a steak

for my dad.



See you later, honey.



You okay?



Man, your mother can talk!



Gosh, she hates my ass.



And itīs such a cute ass.



Last night she heard the moaning.

She thought it was me.



So youīre gonna have to try

and control yourself, Tod.



With you, itīs impossible.



Wait. l brought something.



Ooh, good.



We can record our love.



Susan? Hi, sis. ltīs Helen.



Did l loan you my big platter?



Great. Would you bring it tonight?

l just need it to serve.



Listen, Julie got     

on her SATīs.



l know.

l feel so proud of her.



ltīs great. Howīs Patty?



Weīre a little disappointed

with the effort...



sheīs been giving

lately towards her work.



Math, French,

everythingīs gone downhill.



Nathanīs talking to her right now.



Heīs trying to figure out

whatīs wrong.



Look, Patty,

all līm saying is...



if you want to have

just an ordinary academic career...



and attend an ordinary university,

thatīs your prerogative.



But l must tell you, l think

youīre selling yourself way short.



- Howīs it going?

- l donīt know.



Sometimes l feel as though

we want it more than she does.



Patty, you know we love you.



Could you just give your father

that extra effort heīs looking for?



Okay, Mama.



Thatīs all l ask.



Come on, Kevin. l got you.



l want that, Kevin.



- Time to come in now, children.

- Hi, Grandma.



Hey, you want to--



- Grandma.

- Gil, you have a good memory.



Was it yours or Helenīs

or Susanīs wedding l got drunk at?



lt was all three, Dad.




At which one

did l punch the bandleader?



That was mine.

We have photos.



līm having them blown up

for the commitment hearings.



You think heīs funny, huh?

He wasnīt this funny as a kid.



Stayed in his room all day.

You were a moody son of a bitch.



Gee, l wonder why.



Do you remember that little guy

who wouldnīt leave my side?



l know.



Now if l take a step toward him,

he takes a step away.



l donīt know

whatīs happening to him.



Heīs just so unhappy,

and he wonīt talk to me...



and l donīt know how to help him.



Did you ever consider

having Ed talk to him?



Are you kidding? He wonīt even

acknowledge heīs got these kids...



now that heīs got his new wife

and his new kids.



He wonīt even fix

my kidsī teeth anymore.



He says it makes him uncomfortable.



l wish heīd drop his drill

down his pants.



Are you seeing anybody?



Well, Garryīs biology teacher

asked me out.



Biology? Thatīs promising.



Oh, no. Heīs not the type

l usually go for.



''The Penal Colony'' by Franz Kafka.



Patty a doctor yet?



Mock if you will.



All right.



Our children are more capable of

absorbing information than we are...



yet we insist on treating them

like adorable little morons.



Are you saying Patty

can learn things l canīt learn?



Patty, which one of these...



is the square root of     ?






Theyīre like sponges, Gil,

just waiting to absorb.



l want this.



You see?



Take my advice.

Forget about Kevin and Taylor.



ltīs too late.

Work on Justin.



Actually, Justin is quite bright. ln his

preschool class, he was the only--



Slow down, Justin.

līll get you some dip.



You remember that guy you went out

with in college, Jeffrey Sanders?



He always chased me out of the room

when he came over.



- Oh, yeah.

- l saw him today.



- God, what a loser, huh?

- ln a Rolls.



l meant me.



What is that?



Oh, Nathan and Patty and l

are ''power eating.''



We bring our own food everywhere.



Nathan turned me on to it,

and l never felt better.



- Where do you get that stuff?

- This is it.



Everybody in the living room.

This is the big surprise.



Oh, Larry!



My baby!



- You look great. Dad!

- Oh, hi, son.



Great to see you!



- Shit.

- Well put.



Whoīs that?



Thatīs my kid brother Larry,

your uncle.



- Donīt give him any money.

- l wonīt.



Just a little something for being

the best dad in the world.



l found it a couple of months ago.

ltīs for your collection.



- A toy car!

- Oh, this is great!



A Stutz!



Yeah, if youīve got it,

spend it on the people you love.






- ls this Grandma?

- Yeah, sheīs still alive.



Jesus! Grandma, you got short.



līm shrinking.









- How long has it been? Three years?

- About that.



You stopped wearing your turban.






My God!

Susan, you look great.



lf you werenīt my sister--



l know itīs been hard.






You were supposed to wait outside

so l could introduce you.



Well, why donīt you do it now,







this is my son, Cool.



- Did he say ''Cool''?

- Cool.



- Your son?

- ltīs a long story.



Letīs eat.



Keep Patty away from my brother.

Heīll suck the intelligence out of her.



Cool is adorable. Why didnīt you

ever write us you had a son?



l didnīt know myself

until a couple of months ago.






a few years ago l was living

in Vegas with this girl.



A showgirl. She was

in that show, ''Elvis On lce.''



Anyway, we drifted apart...



as people do

in these complicated times...



and then a couple of months ago,

she shows up with Cool, tells me...



''You watch him. l shot someone.

l have to leave the country.''



Thatīs a parent?






weīre back in town because līve got

something really huge cooking.



Enormous. Monster.

Dad, this is it.



From now on, līm gonna be

taking care of all of you.



This isnīt another get-rich-quick

scheme, is it, Larry?



Whatīs wrong

with getting rich quick?



Quick is the best way to get rich.

Look who līm talking to.



You ever see her family?



They find a nickel, they huddle together

and bury it like squirrels.



Whatīs the deal, son?

What do you have going?



Has anyone heard of hydroponics?



Well, thatīs great!



Hydroponics is the growing

of plants without soil.



What are you using? Coarse sand

or suspension hydroponics?



l donīt--



Thereīs a guy with a lab coat that

makes that decision. l make the deal.



And l got to thinking,

Coolīs had no kind of life, no family.



So while līm locking this down,

l thought we would stay with you.



- With us?

- A couple of weeks.



The thing is, we donīt have

the big house anymore, you know.



We just have the one bedroom for us

and one for Grandma.



Grandmaīs welcome

to stay with us for a while.



ltīd be valuable for Patty to have

a multigenerational influence.



Fine with me.



Well, līll have to give you

a list of her medications--



and youīll have to pick up

her shower chair.



Thereīs her hearing aid batteries,

magnifying glass for reading.



Oh, geez.



- What happened?

- Your mouth used up all the power.



Donīt worry, Dad.

We can still find the bar.



- līll get a flashlight.

- līll get it, sis.



- Where is it? ln the bedroom?

- ltīs in the nightstand.



Mom, Dad, what happened?



- You know l donīt like it in the dark.

- This is a blackout.



ltīs a temporary interruption

in the homeīs electrical supply.



Somethingīs busted.



Whereīs the switch?



- Bring it here.

- Oh, here it is.



What is this?



- Mommy, what was that?

- That was an electric ear cleaner.



- lt was kind of big.

- lt sure was!



l donīt think we really

have to worry about him.



The point is, once they see us

theyīll realize...



that weīre fine

and the kid is fine.



l think we have to be very careful

about Kevinīs educational environment.






With that in mind, l donīt think

Kevin should come back here next fall.



l recommend that he

be transferred to a school...



that offers

special education classes.



You mean,

because heīs so smart?



Well, actually, l mean a class

for children with emotional problems.



Hi. līm sorry līm late.



You must be the Buckmans.

līm Dr. Jeffrey Lucas.



Dr. Lucas is a child psychologist.



Heīs been observing Kevin

for the last couple of months.






Mr. Buckman, this is a public school.

Thirty-eight kids to a class.



We estimate that Kevinīs teacher

spent at least...



  % of her time dealing with Kevin.



That class is going to finish

the year behind. lt isnīt fair.



Kevin is a very sweet, sensitive,

extremely tense little boy.



He needs some special attention.



- ltīs īcause he was first.

- Hmm?



ltīs because he was our first.



l mean, l think we were very tense

when Kevin was little.



lf he got a scratch,

we were hysterical.



By the third kid, you know,

you let them juggle knives.



On the other hand, Kevin may

have been like this in the womb.



Recent studies indicate that

these things are all chemical.



She smoked grass.



- l never smoked when l was pregnant.

- ln college, you were like a chimney--



Fifteen years ago.



There could have been

some chromosome distortion.



Well, you let them do anything.



You let them watch TV

just like that.



So weīll put the TVīs in the garbage,

and weīll perform Shakespeare--



līm sorry.



līm just a little

thrown off by this.



You should not look upon Kevinīs

going to a special school...



as any kind of failure

on your part.



No, līll blame the dog.



ln an educational environment

thatīs more sensitive to his needs.



First of all, Kevin is not going

to a special school.



Whether itīs right or not,

thereīs a stigma.



Children are cruel.



l wonīt subject Kevin

to that kind of cruelty.



lf we have to, weīll send him

to a private school.



l donīt care what it costs.

līll get a second job.



Mr. and Mrs. Buckman,

this problem wonīt just go away.



lf we need to, weīll send Kevin

to a private therapist.



Thatīs right. Look, itīs a problem.

Weīre aware of it.



But weīre his parents.

We can handle it.



Well, the next school year

is four months off...



so letīs see

what can be accomplished, hmm?



- l need to see.

- No, not in the street.






What is this?



ltīs the party celebrating

my motherīs promotion at the bank.



Excuse me. This is the wrong batch.

This is my motherīs.



There should be another envelope

for Buckman.



That was picked up already.



By who?



l, l, l think this one

is my favorite.



This is just--



lt was just for fun, Mom.



Well, līm glad to know

itīs not a job.



ltīs that Tod, isnīt it?

Thereīs one where you can see his face.



Does it bother you that l did those

things or that l did them with Tod?



Gee whiz, Julie. Thereīs so many things

that bother me about this...



l donīt know how to separate them.



Whoo! Hereīs something

for my wallet.



Tod is very important to me.



And weīve got the pictures

to prove it.



- Mom.

- This is your room.



You did these things

right here in my house?



Well, l thought someone in

this house ought to be having sex.



l mean, with something

that doesnīt require batteries.



What did you say to me?

Goddamn it! You get back here!



Open this door!

Goddamn it to hell!



l would just like a little respect!



Not a lot, just a little!



Do you know why līm having sex

with machinery?



Because your father left to have a party

and l stayed to raise two kids!



l have no life!



Goddamn it!

What are you doing?



līm leaving before we say things

weīll regret.



Youīre gonna say something worse

than the battery remark?



Tod and l are in love.



ltīs not ''going steady'' love.

ltīs love.



l need him. Heīs my life.



He touches me, and l quiver.



Oh, would you give me

just a small break?



See? You canīt handle it.



Todīs working now. Weīll find

a place to live somewhere.



- Hi, Garry.

- Hi.



- līm moving out, Garry.

- Bye.



Youīve upset your brother!



Julie, līm telling you...



if you walk out of this house,

donīt ever think about coming back.






Honey, līm always here

if you need me. Sweetheart!



Honey, be careful.

lf you want anything, just call me!






Oh, man!




Just incredible!



l knew youīd be the one

whoīd appreciate this.



Three years, every night, every weekend,

l had dinner out here.



Yeah, it was a piece of junk

when l found it.



First time l got laid

was in a car like this.



- Frank?

- What?



Cool just finished lunch.



līll call the newspaper.



l thought you and Larry

could take him somewhere.



l am showing Larry my car.



Just plop him in front of the TV.

Thatīs what he always does.



Wasnīt that Super Bowl incredible

right down to the last minute?






Theyīre usually not that close.



And usually the winning team

covers the point spread.



Usually, you can count on it.



- Take a beating?

- No, thanks. l already took one.



Anyway, l had to pay off,

and itīs left me a little--



- What do you need?

- Huh?



Aw, come on. Donīt insult me.

l didnīt come here to be insulted.



Come on.



Puttinī together a deal, you gotta look

like you can piss with the big boys.



You see? You know.



How much?



A couple thousand.

Three, tops.



- Three?

- Tops.



Good. See, Grandma,

Patty studies Eastern philosophy.



Our future leaders will have to be much

more in tune with the Oriental mind.



Okay, sweetie, one more time.



- Nathan, guess what?

- Oh, youīre home early.



- l have good news.

- What?



Whatīs up?



līm going to teach summer school.

Weīll have vacation money.



Oh, thatīs great.






Gil and Karen will watch Patty.

l just want to call them.



Gee, honey, līm really not too pro

on Patty spending a week with Gil.



Why not?



līm a little concerned

about his jocularity.



Heīs a wonderful guy.



ltīs just heīs

a little lighthearted...



about things that l--

that we consider important.



She has fun over there.

You know, she scampers.



She cavorts.



Hey, try this.

We take Patty with us.



To Mexico?



ltīs a perfect opportunity

to start her on Spanish.



ltīll be fun.



Nathan, l thought it would be nice

if you and l could be alone.



We will be.

Weīll get two rooms.



Which one will l be in?



That means ''come here'' in Spanish.



Please. l want you

to listen to something.



līve got a tape

of a mariachi band.



An authentic indigenous

native Mexican form of music.



- Gil, good morning.

- Hello, Cindy.



When were you gonna tell me?



Tell you what?



Lenny called this morning.



He wondered where we should take Phil

Richards to celebrate his partnership.



That Lenny is an asshole.

You believe that guy?



Nobody was supposed to have

that information until next month.



That partnership is mine.



You said when Ted got back,

youīd make it official.



Look, l never said you didnīt do

great work. You do terrific work.



Every firm does good work.



l know youīre smarter than Phil,

but the guy works like a Trojan.



He schmoozes clients.

He brings in business.



Heīs here nights, weekends.



l own the guy. And thatīs

what puts your name on the door.



This is really coming

out of left field.



līve been here eight years.

līm the backbone of the operation.



l know that.



lf l donīt get this partnership,

l gotta think about going elsewhere.



- Thatīs not realistic.

- Why?



You go somewhere else,

youīre gonna have to get in line...



behind guys who are younger,

who have been there longer...



who are more committed

and are willing to work for less money.



Look, this thing with Phil

is not etched in stone.



l can jerk him along

for the next month.



Why donīt you use that time

to give us your best shot?



Put in the hours.

Dazzle me.



Dazzle you?



Listen, Dave.

līm having a problem at home.



l really need to spend

a lot of extra time with my son.



Then l donīt know what we can do.



Get this guy. Yeah, yeah.



Oh, well. Theyīre bad dudes. Thatīs

why they call the game ''Bad Dudes.''



l should go stay with the girls.

Got enough quarters?



- Dad?

- Yeah?



How come līm seeing

a psychiatrist?



We were gonna have

a big talk about that.



- Whatīs wrong with me?

- Nothing.



- Youīre great.

- Then how come--



Youīre a kid like l was.

You have a lot of worries. Thatīs all.



And these doctors are experts

at helping people with their worries.



ltīs nothing to feel bad about.



Youīre a great kid,

and l love you very much, okay?



Hey, you know what l think?

This is gonna be a great summer for you.



And donīt forget

you got a birthday coming up.



Letīs have a great party.



Can we have Cowboy Dan?



- Who?

- Cowboy Dan.



The gun-fighting balloon man.

He was at Billyīs party. Heīs cool.




ltīs a done deal.



This is your dad talking.

Now youīve got me excited.



Now, what do we say when we see

a cute eight-year-old girl?






Donīt tell your mom l taught you that.

lt could be bad. Letīs go.






- You like it?

- Yeah.



- ltīs good. ltīs shiny.

- Yeah.



And you know,

it was junk when l found it.



The first time l got laid

was in a car--



Thatīs a story for another time.



Hi, Dad.

Dinner ready?



What was that?



Huh? Oh, some friends

who were just dropping me off.



Friends? Friends slow down.

They even stop.



Sweetie, youīre gonna be okay.



Honey, why would you

be panhandling?



l needed money

for a place to stay.



You have a place to stay.



līd have to tell you what happened.



- What did happen?

- l donīt want to tell you.



- Did you leave that Tod?

- Yes.



He promised me he was gonna start

a house-painting business.



Then he said he changed his mind.



Heīs gonna race dragsters

with his brothers.



He canīt even drive a regular car.



So his brothers came over,

and we got in a fight.



He said, ''No bitch is gonna

tell me what to do for a living.''



He told me he loved me.






They say that...



and then they come.



Honey, what can you expect

from a kid like that?



Mom, back off. The last guy

you dated stole our furniture.



- Men are scum.

- l know.



l know, sweetie.

Men are scum.



- Honey, Julieīs home.

- Great.



Come on. Letīs go eat

lots of ice cream.



You want an ice-cream soda?



How about a hot fudge sundae?



You want a banana split?



Do you want something

like french fries?



- Yes.

- You do?



l thought līd find you here.



Does that make you Sherlock Holmes?

l live here.



You live with me.



l wouldnīt live with you...



if the world were flooded with piss

and you lived in a tree.



līm going to the movies.



Youīre not leaving here

till you hear what l have to say.



līm not--

Let go of me!



- Let her go!

- Just listen to me.



Let her go!

Goddamn it! Let her go!



Please, Mrs. Buckman.

l love her.



You canīt run out on me.

Youīre my wife.



lf you donīt let her go,

līm gonna call the-- His what?



His wife. We got married

a couple of days ago.



Are you out of your mind?



Please, Mrs. Buckman.



Julie, l didnīt mean it.



līm sorry.



My brothers were ragging on me,

and l couldnīt back down.



But last night, l told them.

They mean nothing.



You mean everything.






Okay, look lively.

Youīre doing great.



Shortstop, here it goes.

All right, pick it up.



Easy now, over to first.

Thatīs the way to play.



Thatīs right. Youīre beautiful.



Youīre a bunch of

wild, young Bohemians.



Letīs go again.

Second base, here we go.



Get down on it. Donīt be afraid.

lt canīt hurt you. Here we go.



Get down on it!



Wayne, get Ben some ice.



All right, weīre gonna need

a new second base man.



Which one of you outfielders

wants to try second base?



How about you, Kevin?

You want to try second base?



All right!



Oh, Matt, none of that.

Letīs be a team.



Get out there and hustle.



Remember, the word is ''fun.''



So just go on out there...



and what you catch you catch

and what you miss you miss.



Okay, Dad.



Way to go, Kevin!



And now it is my great pleasure

to introduce our valedictorian...



Kevin Buckman.



Thank you.



When l was nine years old,

l had kind of a rough time.



A lot of people thought

l was pretty mixed up.



But there was one person

who got me through it.



He did everything right.



And thanks to him, today...



līm the happiest,

most confident...



and most well-adjusted person

in this world.



Dad, l love you.



Youīre the greatest.



All right!



One more out, guys! Letīs go!

ls your arm tired, Shaun?



Hey, Gil, our boys

finally gonna win one game?



Way to be supportive, Lou.



Thatīs right, Kevin!



Way to go, Tommy!

All right!



We got bases loaded.

Weīre only one run down.



You can do it.

Get up there.



Please, God,

let īem win one game.



Got it!



You stink, Buckman!



- He had no business being out there!

- Whatīs the matter with you?



ltīs terrible!



Whyīd you make me play

second base?



Someoneīs climbed to the roof

of the bell tower with a rifle!



ltīs Kevin Buckman.

His father totally screwed him up.



Whatīs he yelling?



You made me play second base!



Kevin, līm sorry.

l did the best l could.



Nice shot, son.

ltīs important to be supportive.



Come on. Letīs sing

one of the old tunes.



When youīre sliding into home

and your pants are full of foam









Why are you pouring water

through my diaphragm?



To check.



To see if itīs okay.

You didnīt know l did that, huh?



Obviously not,

or you wouldnīt have tried this.



Are you accusing me

of making that hole?



No, a woodpecker came in here,

went into the bathroom...



opened the drawer with his wing

and pecked holes in your diaphragm.



l canīt believe you would jeopardize

our plan. Remember what we read?



A majority of exceptional people

are either only children...



or firstborns

with five years between sibs.



- We agreed--

- No, you agreed.



And theyīre not sibs.

Theyīre babies, and l want another one.



So this is how you go about it?

By vandalizing your contraception?



- Because you wonīt discuss it!

- We discussed this years ago!



l think we were wrong.



l think we were right,

and līm not discussing it again.



- Tod?

- Yeah?



- Do you want me to make breakfast?

- No, thanks, Helen.



- Julieīs gonna do it.

- līll get the fire extinguisher.



līll see you guys at dinner.

Sweet Jesus!



What are you doing?

Are you joining the Marines?



l knew youīd make

a thing out of this, Mom.



Just clean up the hair.



You ready?

Want anything to eat?



How long are they

gonna be living here?



Not much longer, l think.



l was just thinking.

ltīs getting pretty crowded here.



ltīs not so crowded. Thereīs a lot

more room since they shaved their heads.



l was just thinking...



maybe l could stay with Dad

for a while.






līve been here a long time. Maybe

l should live with him for a while.



You wanna live with your father?



Kind of.



Have you talked to your father

about that?



No. Not yet. l thought līd call him.






you donīt know

your father like l do.



l donīt know him at all.

Whatīs his number?



Heīd be at work now.



So thatīs...



 - - ...



 - - - .



ls Dr. Lampkin there?



His son.



No, Dad, itīs not Joey.

ltīs Garry, your other son.



l need to ask you something.



ltīll just take a second.



Would it be okay

if l stay with you for a while?



A few months.






He didnīt think

it was such a good idea.



- Sweetie--

- līve gotta go.



Whenīs Cowboy Dan, the gun-fighting

balloon man, gonna be here?



lsnīt that him?



Thatīs the schmuck

who brought the horse.



- l donīt think heīs coming.

- Of course, he is. Heīs a professional.



You think he wants to put a blot on

the entire balloon-bending profession?



Go on and have fun. Weīll have

burgers and dogs in a second.



Letīs go watch the horse shit.



Why donīt you play with Justin?



l donīt understand what heīs doing.



Heīs spinning.



What for?



No reason. Just for fun.



Doesnīt look like fun.



lt isnīt.



You tried it?



So does Julie have a nice place?



Yeah, she has a lovely place.

She has my place.



She and that Tod are both

living in my house.






Actually, it was my idea.



Otherwise, she was gonna quit school

and get a job.



Maybe this way

sheīll still go to college.



Here we go.

The thumb trick. Ready?



Hereīs my thumb. Watch it.



- What are you doing?

- The thumb trick. Show her, Dad.



Okay, but this is the last time.

Here we go. Ready?



l mean, Justin is gonna

go full-time next year...



so everybodyīs askinī when līm gonna

go back to work like līm supposed to.



And līm thinkinī about it.

l mean, l used to work. lt was okay.



But l think līm better at this.

l think līm sort of good at it, so--



But then people make me feel embarrassed

like l donīt have goals or something.



Like l sit around here eating bonbons

all day, right? Oh, l donīt know.



What does Gil say?



He says l should do whatever l want.

l could have killed him for that.



What are you so upset about?



Nathan, sheīs weird.

Sheīs a weird child.



l think a few days a week

of preschool could be very helpful.



This is not the right age for Patty

to be socially activated.



Sheīs not a bomb. Sheīs a little kid who

has no ability to relate to other kids.



You want her to relate to him?



Help, help, help!



When l met him, l was a little wild.



l was a little out of control.



He kind of took me in hand.



l liked that.

Heīs very commanding.



He got me into teaching.

He got my shit together.



Boy, he really turned me on.



Really? l mean, of course, really.



Nathan and l used to be hot.



l know he doesnīt look it,

but we were like rabbits.



l used to give him, you know...



oral, you know, on the highway.






He was always trying

to get a research grant.



And you thought that would help?



No, but, l mean,

he kept getting turned down.



Heīd get real, real tense.



So if l saw him getting

really tense, līd just...



lean over while

he was driving and līd--



l just spoke to your mother. Grandmother

wants to stay at Helenīs for a while.



- Can you drive her there tomorrow?

- Sure.



He likes to butt things

with his head.



How proud you must be.



Here it is. Now itīs right there

in front of you. Be careful.



Here. Take this off.



Now really try and hit it.



Really give it a good shot.



Give it a good whack!



Put your shoulder into it

and whack it.



Now just kill it. Kill it!



When l was born,

Grover Cleveland was president.



līm sorry līm late.



Where should l do it?



Who are you,

and what are you going to do?



līm from Party Time Entertainment.



līm your stripper.



Whatīs the birthday boyīs name,

because l paint it across my breasts?



lt was a mix-up. l got Cowboy Danīs

card, and he got mine. līm sorry.



Wait a minute. What about Cowboy Dan?

He is coming?



He showed up at the Lodge Hall,

and they were expecting me.



They beat him severely,

so Cowboy Dan ainīt coming.



Cowboy Danīs not coming?



- Hold it together.

- l knew it.



l told you.



All the kids are gonna hate me.

ltīs gonna be just like Little League.



- Cowboy Dan is coming.

- Gil?



Heīs coming!

Cowboy Dan is coming!



Howdy, partner.



Youīre Kevinīs father.

Youīre not Cowboy Dan.



Thatīs right.

They call me Cowboy Gil...



as in guilty.



l saw Cowboy Dan.

l didnīt like the look on his face.



lt was like this, so l killed him.



l blew a hole in him this big.



Actually it was about this big.



You know, when l think about it,

that hole was about this big.



And his guts were spilled out

all over the floor.



As l was walkinī away,

l slip around on his guts.



A couple of other people came by

and started slippinī on his guts too.



After l blow a hole in somebody

and slip around on their guts...



afterwards, l always like

to make balloon animals.



Thatīs mighty courteous of you.



Here we go!



- Whatīs he doing?

- l donīt know.



Your lower intestines.



Why, you little lily-livered--



Whereīs Cowboy Gil?



Ambush, ya little four-footers!



And here it is.



ltīs made with a quart of milk,

two cups of sugar and three cow pies.



Will you get down off the horse

before you hurt yourself?



Honey, l gotta make a big exit.



Thatīs Cowboy Gilīs woman.

Take a bow, little lady.



l sure hope that

when l mosey back this way one day...



you donīt mind

if l stop in and say hello.



l gotta mosey

on back to Abilene.



Keep your powder and your pants dry.



Kevin, l hope this is

the best danged birthday you ever had.



Adios, buckaroos!



Donīt try and follow me to Abilene.



- Good night, sweetheart.

- Good night, Mom.



Did you have a nice birthday?



- Dad was funny.

- He sure was.



Well, good night,

nine-year-old boy.



Happy birthday, kiddo.



- Dad?

- Yeah?



When l grow up,

can l work where you work?






That way we can still

see each other every day.



Good night. l love you.



l love you too.



- Mom?

- What?






- Let me outta here!

- Hello, Helen?



The door was unlocked.



Oh, my God.



- What channel is this?

- No, Gran, this is a tape.



She needs a man. Now.



This isnīt mine.

l donīt watch this.



Whatīs everybody doing in here?

Did you break my lock?



Susie, Gran,

would you please go to my room?






One of those men reminded me

of your grandpa. God bless him.



- Listen.

- How could you break my lock?



l came in here because

l was afraid you were on drugs.



Why would you think that?



Because of what you did

to your fatherīs office.



What do you mean?



He found your hammer. Those were

your initials burned into the handle.



- Someone must have taken it.

- Just donīt--



Honey, all these feelings--



Youīre right to have

all these feelings.



Youīre a great kid, honey.



You just got a lousy dad.



Youīve just got to learn to say,

''The hell with him.''



Actually, thatīs good advice

for both of us. The hell with him!



l donīt know what to say

about the tapes.



l assume youīre watching these...



because youīre curious about sex...



you know, or filmmaking.



ls there anything

youīd like to ask?









No, l donīt blame you.

What about Uncle Gil?



Heīs busy with his own kids.



-Whereīs my wife?

-School. Sheīs at cheerleading practice.



Bitchinī. So whatīs up?



Would you like to speak to Tod?



Can l speak frankly?

No holds barred?






That is one messed-up little dude.



Sure we can talk straight?



A few months ago, Garry got

his first boner. You know what that is?



lf memory serves.



Great. Anyway,

since then heīs been--



Slappinī the salami.

No offense.



Apparently heīs goinī for

a world record. Chickenīs burninī.



Damn! That looked good too.



Anyway, he was afraid there was

something wrong with him.



Like he was a pervert or something.



l told him thatīs

what little dudes do.



l mean, weīve all done it.



That made him happy.



- Garry was happy?

- Yeah. He even smiled.



l never even knew he had teeth.



l guess a boy Garryīs age

really needs a man around.



Yeah, well--



lt depends on the man.

l had a man around.



He used to wake me up in the morning

by flicking lit cigarettes at my head.



''Hey, asshole, get up

and make me breakfast.''



You know, Miss Buckman, you need

a license to buy a dog or drive a car.



Hell, you need a license

to catch a fish.



But theyīll let any butt-reaminī asshole

be your father.



Well, līm gonna pick up Julie.



Theyīre hassling her about her hair.

She does look kind of stupid.



l donīt know what

we were thinkinī about.






Kevin wants to go.



Howīd you go through

those quarters so fast?



- Another kid took Kevinīs money.

- Shut up!



- What kid?

- Never mind. Can we just go?



- lt was that kid!

- Never mind!



That kid? That kidīs not bigger

than you. Go back and get your money.



Dad, let me handle it, okay?



You want me to help you

get your money back?



Can we just go? l wanna go!



- Okay.

- Okay? Thatīs a little kid!



- Justin can beat up that kid.

- Will you just shut up?



- Whatīs the matter?

- l lost my retainer.



Where? ltīs okay.



- l put my retainer on the table!

- Just relax.



ltīs okay, honey.



ltīs his retainer.

He lost his retainer.



ltīs all right, sweetheart.

Weīll find it.



Oh, God!



- Here. Let me.

- Where are the kids?



Your folks are driving them home.

Theyīll wait with them at our house.



Thatīs just what Kevin needs.

Time alone with my dad.



Letīs just go.



Theyīre $   . lf you dropped $   

in here, youīd look, right?



Letīs face it.

Heīs getting worse.



He has his good days,

and he has his bad days.



Why is he so high-strung?

Heīs like a poodle.




blown out of proportion.



Where does he get

this obsessive behavior?



l wish l knew.



Theyīre gonna

put him in Special Ed.



Whatīd you think?



That youīd dress up like a cowboy

and coach Little League...



and Kevin would be fine?



l mean, no, l didnīt.



Yeah, yeah, okay, l did.



Well, honey, you were

really kiddinī yourself.



You know, when your kid is born,

it can still be perfect.



You havenīt made any mistakes yet.



And then they grow up to be like...



like me.



līm gonna be home late tomorrow.



How come?



līm attempting to dazzle Dave.



līm trying to put together

a major income property thing...



for one of our bigger clients.



Has Dave said anything?



Thursday, when l left

for Little League, he said...



''Letīs all thank Gil for stopping by.''



- l didnīt take it as a good sign.

- Letīs just wait and see.



Worrying isnīt gonna help.



God, līm so tense.



Youīre tense right now, honey?



My back is tense.

My neck is tense.



My ears are tense.

ltīs like theyīre hot or something.



Maybe l could do something

to help you relax.



- l doubt it, honey.

- līd like to try.



l am so sorry.



ltīs all right, honey. lt was my fault.

You just kind of took me by surprise.



So, howīd this happen?



Show him, honey.



ltīs awfully late, Frank.

We need to get Cool right to bed.



Heīll be all right.



Hi, Dad.



Take the boy inside.



l couldnīt resist.

l had to take it out for a spin.



Purrs like a kitten.



Youīre probably wondering why

l took it out without telling you.



l wanted to have it appraised

so youīd know how much it was worth.



Only they canīt appraise it

unless they have all the paperwork.



The registration, the proof of purchase.

You got those things around?



līm not a schmuck!



You were going to sell my car.



- Dad!

- Donīt bullshit me anymore!



lt belittles us both!



l want you out of the house.



Theyīre gonna kill me.



- Bookies?

- Frigginī basketball.



l had a lock.



This miserable

son-of-a-bitch rookie...



throws in a goddamn   -footer

at the buzzer.



lt was a nightmare.



lt was like he reached into my chest

and ripped out my--



Shut up!



How much do you owe?

The truth now!



- $     .

- Jesus!



Dad, līm never gambling again. l swear

to God. But these guys mean business.



What about that      l gave you?



l took it to the track.



l wanted to run it up so l wouldnīt

have to hit you for the whole amount.



What is the matter with you? Youīre

not a kid anymore! Youīre not stupid.



Dad, l canīt get a break.



l have been so close so many times,

l could touch it.



Did you ever think

about getting a job?



Oh, great.

Oh, that is just great now.



What did you always tell me, huh?



''Make your mark.

Donīt be one of the numbers.''



You misunderstood me.

You werenīt listening.



lf l called you up to tell you,

''Hey, Dad, līm the new assistant...



sub-vice president of pencil sharpening

at some crappy little company''...



youīre telling me

youīd think that was great?



l am better than that!

l am not Gil!






līve made some mistakes.



l have to learn from them.



Theyīre gonna kill me, Dad,

with pain.



līm your son.












Excuse me, honey?



l donīt mean to interrupt,

but līve made up some new cards.




Well, thatīs great, Mommy.



līm so glad youīre back

with the program. Letīs do your cards.



Why donīt l show them to you first

and make sure theyīre appropriate?



Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy

will be back in two minutes.



- How many seconds is that?

-    .



''This is...''



the only way...



l can get...



your attention.''



Honey, this is really basic stuff.

Sheīs way beyond this.



''līm leaving you.''



Youīre leaving me?






Well, thank you.



l really had a great time.



ltīs been years since anybodyīs

taken me to a carnival.



You thought that was a carnival?

That was my parentsī house.



You know, youīre pretty funny

for a biology teacher.



Thank you.



Would you like to come in?



- Sure.

- Good.



- Hi, guys.

- Hey, Mrs. B!



Hi, Mom. Hi, Mr. Bowman.



Knee drop!



Thatīs a nice knee drop, honey.

Want some coffee?



- līd love some.

- The kitchenīs right there.



- Can l ask you something?

- Sure.



How come you finally

decided to go out with me?



My grandmother told me to.



Not really.

Sheīs been staying with us.



ltīs a little crowded, so tomorrow

līm taking her over to my brother Gilīs.



Hi, Julie. l would like to

introduce you to Mr. Bowman.



Whatīs up?

Did you get the Twinkies?



l found this

in the trunk of your car.



- Youīre racing again, arenīt you?

- Yeah. So what?



So you promised, thatīs what!



- l changed my mind.

- You changed your mind?



- Yeah! l changed my mind!

- What about house painting?



- l gave it up.

- You gave it up? That was your future.






Dave and Rod kinda

took all the equipment and split.



l donīt know where they are.



l told you not to trust those guys.

Didnīt l tell you?



līm not as smart as you are, okay?



l didnīt get      

on my SATīs, okay?



- līm stupid, okay?

- Okay!



- Julie--

- Butt out!



- Maybe l should leave.

- No! Maybe l should leave.



What do you mean, ''maybe''?



What is it with the women

in this family?



They make all the men

in this family wanna leave!



lf he thinks līm having his baby now,

heīs crazy.



- Baby?

- Your daughterīs having a baby?



A baby?



Youīre gonna be a grandma?



līm too young.

Grandmothers are old.



They bake, and they sew and they

tell you stories about the Depression.



l was at Woodstock, for Christīs sake!

l peed in a field!



līve hung onto the Whoīs helicopter

as it flew away.



l was at Woodstock.



Oh, yeah?

l thought you looked familiar.



līve spoken

with Ted and Dan and...



we have decided to make

Phil Richards a partner.



Holy shit!



- l know youīre upset--

- Upset?



Havenīt you seen the deals

līve been putting together?



l have been killing myself.

l mean, arenīt you dazzled?



You still donīt get it, do ya?



Phil has just brought in three

brand-new, multimillion-dollar clients.



He has spent the last month wining

and dining these guys, gettinī īem laid.



He doesnīt tell me about problems

with his kids.



līm not even sure if he has kids.



lf this manīs dick fell off,

he would still show up to work.



He is an animal.



Thatīs what dazzles, not the work.



You canīt do what he does.

Ya hate that shit.



- Now, Phil Richards--

- l quit!



- Oh, Gil.

- Forget it.



Phil brought you some big clients.

Youīre happy.



līm just gonna call my clients,

give īem the news, and līm outta here.



Fridayīs my last day.

Donīt make me a party.



Hey, this is not

a playground, okay?






Not now! Not now!



Knock it off!



God, l canīt believe

they did this.



The other kids got picked up,

and ours are watching a tape.



Helen just dropped your grandma off.

Letīs talk.



l quit my job.






They gave the partnership

to Phil Richards.



This is a guy who leaves

his wife and kids...



then puts his money in his girlfriendīs

name to get out of paying child support.



l mean, the guy is--



Anyway, l couldnīt stand it.

l snapped.



Can you still change your mind?



What do you mean, change my mind?

l quit.



Did you say anything that would make it

difficult for them to take you back?



Jesus, honey, l was hoping

youīd be a little more supportive.



līm pregnant.



Since when?



Since l am.

līm due in February.



l didnīt want to say anything

until l was sure.



- How did this happen?

- lt was an accident.



Anyhow, this is why

līm saying maybe...



now this isnīt the best time for you

to be out of work or starting a new job.



lf youīd told me there was a chance of

this happening, l might not have quit.



You never told me

there was a chance you might quit.



- lt was a spur-of-the-moment decision.

- Pretty big one.



Are you saying l should crawl back, kiss

Daveīs feet and get my crappy job back?



l quit.



lf l go back now, theyīve got me.

līm a eunuch.



This puts a minor crimp

in my life too.



l was thinking about starting

back to work in the fall. Now l canīt.



Thatīs the difference

between men and women.



Women have choices.

Men have responsibilities.



Oh, really?



Okay, well, then,

l choose for you to have the baby.



Thatīs my choice.

You have the baby.



You get fat. You breast-feed until your

nipples are sore. līll go back to work.



Letīs return from la-la land,

because that ainīt gonna happen.



Whether l crawl back to Dave

or get another job...



itīs obvious now līm gonna

have to spend less time at home.



līm gonna have to have business dinners.

līm gonna have to play racquetball.



līm gonna have to get guys laid.



l hope you donīt mind if l bring home

a few prostitutes...



because thatīs what it takes to get

anywhere, and līm not getting anywhere.



Whatever happens, you have

to count on less help from me.



Why donīt you just say

what youīre really thinking?



What am l thinking?



That l should have an abortion?



l didnīt say that.



Thatīs a decision every woman

has to make on her own.



Are you running for Congress?



Donīt give me that. l want your opinion

about what we should do.



Letīs pretend

itīs your decision, okay?



Pretend youīre a caveman or your father.

What do you want me to do?



l want...



l want whatever you want.



l wanna have the baby.



Well, great!

Letīs have it then.



Letīs see how l can

screw the fourth one up.



Letīs have five. Letīs have six!



Letīs have a dozen

and pretend theyīre doughnuts.



līm really happy about the way

things are turning out, arenīt you?



With your frame of mind, not only am l

not sure we should have another baby...



līm not sure we should

keep the three weīve got.



līm ready to discuss it.

However, l canīt right now.



l gotta go to

the goddamn Little League.



Ten little boys are waiting for me

to guide them into last place.



You really have to go?



My whole life is ''have to.''



- Come on, Kevin. Get your glove.

- You said l donīt have to play anymore.



l know what l said,

but now līm changing my mind.



lf l have to go, you have to go.

Move it.



Kevin, this oneīs for you.



Get behind the ball.

ltīs easier to come in.



Hi, Dad.

What are you doing here?



Karen said you were here.

Can l speak to you a second?



Wayne, can you take over

a second?



Whatīs up?



l need your advice.



Wait a second.

My head is spinning.



Come on.



Larry needs $     

or gamblers are gonna kill him.






līm supposed to decide

whether to give it to him.



And you want my advice?



Why me? Why now?



Because l know you think

l was a shitty father.



Thank you for not arguing.



And l know youīre a good father,

so tell me, what would you do?



- You got that kind of money?

- l got it. ltīs gonna hurt.



l wanted to retire next year.

This will put that off for a while.



A long while.



l never should have had four.



You know, when you were two years old,

we thought you had polio.



You know about that?



Yeah, Mom once said something.



Yeah, well,

for a week we didnīt know.



l hated you for that.



- What?

- l did.



l did. l hated having

to go through that...



caring, the worrying, the pain.



Thatīs not for me.



You know,

itīs not like that all ends...



when youīre    or    or    or   .



lt never, never ends.



ltīs like your Aunt Ednaīs ass. lt goes

on forever and is just as frightening.



- Thatīs true.

- There is no end zone.



You never cross the goal line, spike

the ball and do your touchdown dance.






līm   .



Larryīs   .



And heīs still my son.



Like Kevin is your son.



You think l want him

to get hurt?



Heīs my son.



Come on.



līm all right.

līll figure it out.



Whoīs to say

whoīs the shitty father?



Kevinīs in therapy.



We got called to school last year

because Taylor was kissing all the boys.



Justin keeps ramming things

with his head.



My career is in the shithouse.



You worry too much.



You always did.



Okay, letīs go. Letīs get īem.



Letīs get this one.

Come on. You can do it.



We only need one more out!

Canīt you even field a ground ball?



Matt, līm not gonna warn ya again. One

more comment, and youīre outta there.



What are you yellinī at him for?

Heīs the only player you got.



Matt, we need one more out, son.

Wherever itīs hit, you go for it.



ltīs the only chance

you have to win.



All right, come on, now!

Donīt blow it!



All right, no big deal.

No big deal.



One more out. Just relax.



Relax and concentrate.

Letīs go!



Oh, shit!



Get it, Matt!



Heīs out!



līm gonna help you.



Now, we see these gangsters.



We agree to pay them

a thousand dollars a month.



Theyīre businessmen. Theyīll see

that something is better than nothing.



Then Monday morning,  :   a.m....



you come to work with me

at my place.



līm going to teach you

the business.



Plumbing supplies.



ln a few years, līll retire,

and youīll take over.




as long as youīre working...



and if you agree to go to Gamblers

Anonymous, līll keep paying your debt.



Thatīs it.



Let me just add a wrinkle.



About an hour ago, l got a phone call

from an associate in Chile.



Big opportunity.






Why donīt l just toddle off down there

for a few months, see if it pans out?



lf it does, great.

lf not...



we put the Frank Buckman plan

into effect.



Sound good?









- l could use a little--

- Two thousand enough?









Well, better pack.



- What about Cool?

- What?



Oh, Jesus, thatīs a tough one.



This is not really

the kind of trip that--



Listen, how about if--



Donīt worry about it.



- My dadīs going away.

- Yes.



Heīs leaving right away.



ls he ever coming back?



Would you like

to stay here with us?









- Good morning, Mrs. Haffner.

- Hi, Michelle.



- Susan, l need to talk to you.

- Not now, Nathan. l have a class.



l want you to come home. This is very

bad for Patty. She canīt concentrate.



- l gotta go.

- Wait. Listen to me.



ltīs bad for me too.



l love you, Susan.



Those are words.

They donīt solve anything.



l can compromise.

l can change.



l donīt think

youīre capable of change.



Weīre way behind because of yesterdayīs

bomb threat, so letīs get going.



Why do birds suddenly appear



Every time you are near



Just like me

They long to be



Close to you



Nathan, please.

līll lose my job.



Why do stars twinkle in the sky



Every time you walk by



Just like me

They long to be



Close to you



Weīre trying so hard

to keep these kids off drugs.



On the day that you were born

the angels got together



And decided to create a dream

come true



This was the song from our wedding.



So they sprinkled moondust

in your hair



And golden sunlight

in your eyes so blue



ltīs a wedding kind of a song.



That is why

All the guys in town



Follow you all around



Just like me



They long to be



Close to you



Youīre crazy.



Susan, l love you.

Please, come home.



Howīs it look?



Lookinī hot.

Lookinī damn hot.



Mom! Hurry. Heīs over there.

Heīs gonna kill himself.



- Julie, līm not his mother.

- Please, Mommy, please. līm so scared.



- Now līm ''Mommy.''

- Heīs trying to prove something.



Oh, God, heīs already going.



ln eight seconds

heīs gonna be a legend.



- My God!

- Come on!



Back up. Give him some room.



Did l win?



- līm all right.

- Weīll get you to first aid, make sure.



My brotherīs car.

l killed the car.



Julie, come on. Letīs go.



- l canīt.

- What?



l canīt. This is too intense.

This is--



This is marriage.

Now, letīs get in the truck.



Come on! Letīs go!



Can you do that again next week?

The crowd loved it.



Yeah, sure.



Thatīs a good job for me.

Crash dummy.



- Stop that. Youīre very important.

- Why?



Why? Because youīre gonna be the father

of my grandchild. Thatīs why.



- l love you.

- l love you too.



l was so scared.



You, like, saved their marriage.

That was really cool.



Yeah, well, l give īem six months.

Four, if she cooks.



You donīt think

theyīre gonna make it?



Well, you know, honey,

the odds arenīt good.



Then whyīd you say all that?

Why did you try to keep them together?



Because Julie wants Tod.



Whatever you guys want,

l want to get for you.



Thatīs the best l can do.



līm glad youīre going out

with Mr. Bowman.



- Yeah? Why?

- Well, heīs funny.



And heīs the kind of guy

thatīd be nice to you.



Somebody should be nice to you.



l tell you, kid,

l could stand that.



- Can we tape over Susanīs wedding?

- No!



- What are we supposed to tape over?

- Mom, my ears are loose.



līll fix them. Your pants are backwards.

Go upstairs and turn them around.



Tell Grandma weīre leaving.

Sheīs still playing Nintendo.



- You know your lines?

- l donīt have any lines. līm Dopey.



līll say.



Kevin, take Justin outside

and put him in his car seat.



l have to do everything.

Come on, shrimp.



And līm the one in therapy.



līm not a shrimp.



l love you.



l love you too.



No, l mean, l really love you.



l love you too.



Dave called. He was crying.

He actually cried.



lf l come back, theyīll give me a corner

office with new furniture and a raise.



Like thatīs supposed

to make up for everything.



Anyway, l took the job.

l couldnīt think.



l was still high

from the Little League game.



lsnīt that demented?

That a grown manīs happiness...



depends on whether

a nine-year-old catches a pop-up?



- What if he missed?

- But he didnīt.



- But he could have.

- But he didnīt, Gil.



You threw him    million pop-ups in the

backyard. You cut the odds considerably.



lf you hadnīt--



But thereīs three of them,

and you want to have four.



And the fourth one could be Larry.



Theyīre gonna do a lot of things.

Baseballīs the least of it.



And in all those things,

sometimes theyīre gonna miss.



- Sometimes they wonīt.

- Sometimes they will.



What do you want? Guarantees?

These are kids, not appliances.



- Life is messy.

- l hate messy.



ltīs so messy!



You know, when l was   

Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.



Up, down, up, down.



- Oh, what a ride.

- What a great story.



l always wanted to go again.



lt was just interesting to me that

a ride could make me so frightened...



so scared, so sick, so excited...



and so thrilled all together.



Some didnīt like it.

They went on the merry-go-round.



That just goes around.




l like the roller coaster.



You get more out of it.



Well, līll be seeing you

in the car.



Sheīs a very smart lady.



Come on, Taylor.

Your ears are ready.



A minute ago

l was confused about life.



Then Grandma came in with her wonderful

and effecting roller coaster story.



Now everything is great again.



l happen to like

the roller coaster, okay?



As far as līm concerned,

your grandmother is brilliant.



Come on, Taylor.

Hurry up.



lf sheīs so brilliant, how come

sheīs sitting in our neighborīs car?



- ltīs good to be home.

- lt sure is!



Somebody stole our dishes!



Theyīre not stolen.

Theyīre put away.



Theyīre not stolen!



Theyīre not stolen.

Theyīre put away.



Theyīre not stolen!



Theyīre put away!



- What was that?

- lt came from the bedroom.



- lt sounds like a monster.

- Someone should see what it is.



- Not me!

- Let Dopey do it.



Theyīre hurting my sister!



Heīs going. Get him.



Get him.



Get away from my sister! Stop!



Come back here.

Come back here, little one.



Heīs ruining the whole play!



l think thatīs the Buckmansī kid.



Thatīs great!



Youīre doinī great. One more push,

and the baby will be here.



Bear down. Push.

Weīre almost there, Mom. Come on.



Push. Thatīs it. Great.

Youīre doinī great.



- Youīre doinī fine.

- Here we go now.



- l can see the head.

- Push. Here comes the baby. Good.



Here it is. ltīs a girl!



Good! Congratulations, Mom.



Youīd better get out in the lobby, Dad.

Youīve got about     relatives in there.






ltīs a girl.



Helenīs fine.




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