PCU Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the PCU script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Jeremy Piven and Jon Favreau.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of PCU. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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PCU Script



[Man On P.A.]

This is... This is something, man.



This is our generation, man. We're

all together, man, and it's groovy.



Dig yourselves,

'cause it's really groovy.






****[Rock, Faint]






** [Continues]



[Hockey Player Grunts]



Oh, yeah! Whoa!






- ** [Stops]

- Aww!



- Shit. Fuse box again.

I got it last time.

- I know.



- [All Chattering]

- Um...



- [Boys Grunting]

- Excuse me.



Excuse me. Is, uh,

James Andrews around?



What are you, a narc?



No, no, I-I'm a pre-frosh.

I'm just looking for, uh, James Andrews.



Heads up!



James Andrews... Oh, Droz.

He's in the hall, room two.



Yeah, um... D... Wh...



The basement.



- Face-off!

- Come on. Follow me.



- [Puck Slapping]

- [Boys Grunting]



[Grunting, Groaning]



End of the hall.



[Clears Throat]



Go ahead.

Last door on the left.






- Uh...

- [Snoring]






[Snoring Continues]



Uh, excuse me.






- Uh...

- [Snoring Continues]






- [Gasps]

- Coffee.



Coffee now!



Uh... Aah!






All right, what do you need?

Bottle rockets? Dental dams? Reddi-wips?



Term papers.



Uh, actually, no.

No, I'm Tom Lawrence. I'm a pre-frosh.



Uh, I'm just up here

a-at Port Chester just...



just to see

if I want to go here.



What am I,

a stop on the tour?



Actually, a-a-admissions

arranged for me to, uh...



t-to spend the night

at y-your frat.



Gee, Scooter,

frats were banned in the '  s.



They were?



Let me see that.



I don't believe this.

I've been pimped by admissions.



- Okay. Want some advice?

- Well, yeah...



Here's all you need to know.

Classes: Nothing before   :  .



Beer: It's your best friend,

you drink a lot of it.



- Women? You're a freshman, so it's

out of the question. We have a car?

- No.



Someone on your hall will.

Make friends with them on

the first day. Anything else?



Yeah, um...



Look, uh,

can anyone just, um...



live in these big houses

with... with girls?



Times have changed

in the past    years, Tomás.



We no longer swill sherry

and screw goats for fun anymore.



I'd love to tell you

all about it, but...



I'd love to tell you

all about it, but...



- Should I just leave

my stuff in your room?

- Uh, no.



Look, I'd like to help you, but we're

cutting in on my nap time as it is.



But the good news is, I got

just the guy for the job.



- ** [Heavy Metal]

- Yo, Gut, what's up, baby?



- What's up, Droz?

- Aaaaah!



- Got any smokes, baby?

- No, man. Last one.



Listen, Tom-man...



- ****[Volume Down]

- Tom-man here's a pre-frosh.



- I told him you'd show him around.

- Hi.



- No can do.

- Whoa, Gut. Can't or won't?



Can't, man.

It's grunge night at Vienna House.



The Merkins are opening

for Frog And Toad Are Friends.

I gotta psych up for the show.



Frog And Toad Are Friends. That's with

the guy from the Clash, right?



- The...

- The Clash.



I don't know if you're aware,

but there actually was music

recorded before     .



What is this? You're gonna

wear this to the show?



You're gonna wear the shirt

of the band you're gonna go see?



Don't be that guy.



Hey! Hey, hey. What's up,

my brothers? Here we go.



- [Both Chattering]

- Just a quick moment...

That's all right.



- Mullaney.

- Yeah, what's up?



- Is this a pre-frosh?

- Yes.



And you're showing him

around the campus? That's really swell.



Make sure he gives you

the special bicentennial tour...

    years of bullshit.



- You little bitch.

- Yeah? Now we're even

for the Milk-Bones.



You signed me up

as a weekend host.



- You swing bag.

- Sucker!



- Milk-Bones?

- Spring break.



I filled his suitcase with dog biscuits

coming back from Jamaica.



- Hmm?

- Drug-sniffing dogs went ape-shit.



I got one more idea.



- [Tires Screeching]

- Pigman.



- Pigman!

- What's he doing?



He's finishing

his senior thesis.



Pigman is trying to prove

the Caine-Hackman theory.



No matter what time it is,

you can find a Michael Caine

or a Gene Hackman movie on TV.



- Wait, that's his thesis?

- Yes!



That's the beauty of college

these days, Tommy.



You can major in Game Boy if you know

how to bullshit. Have a seat.



There's the TV.

Pigman's got you covered.



Call me for the shower scene

in Dressed to Kill.










Did I tell you

that I'm from Delaware?






Well, I mean,

I just spent s-six hou...



six hours on a public bus

just to come to Port Chester...



to decide

if I want to come here.



So maybe I should see the campus

or a pep rally or a tailgate party or...



Okay, okay, I...

I've got it.



Here's the deal.



You gotta get all this '  s

cornball shit out of your head.



It's a whole new ball game on campus

these days, and they call it P.C.



- "P.C."?

- Politically correct.



[Droz] And it's not just politics...

it's everything.



It's what you eat, it's what you wear

and it's what you say.



If you don't watch yourself,

you can get in a butt-load

of trouble. For instance...



If you don't watch yourself,

you can get in a butt-load

of trouble. For instance...



- [Droz] See these girls?

- Yeah.



No, those are women. Call 'em girls,

and they'll pop your figs.



- Save the whales!

- Gays in the military now!



- Free Nelson Mandela!

- They freed him already.






Those women?



Those aren't women, Tom.



Those are "womynists."



You know, I saw

the new Madonna video last night.







See the one in the middle,

the one with the blonde hair?



- [Tom] Yeah.

- She's looking at me, isn't she?



Kinda. Do you know her

or something?



Hey, Sam, isn't that the guy

that you used to, uh...






- You went out with a white male?

- I was a freshman!



- Freshperson, please.

- Please.



- Go talk to her. What's the problem?

- Watch this.



He's coming over here.

Sisters, form a wall!



- [Whistle Blows]

- [Sam] No, you don't have to do that.



Wow. Hi.

How you doin'?



Uh, is Sam in there?



"In there"? What's that

supposed to mean?




cock man oppressor.



Uh, thank you.



Maybe one of you could just

tell her that Mr. Pokey stopped by.






What the hell was that?

"Mr. Pokey"?



I think he meant

his, uh, phallus.



You participated

in a phallus naming?



No. No.

I have no idea...



You stay away from him, Sam.

He's an animal.



You know, this place

is kinda insane.



Wait till you meet

the causeheads.



The what?



- What don't we eat?

- [Crowd] Red meat.!



- Why don't we eat it?

- It's murder!



- What don't we eat?

- Red meat!



Why don't we eat it?



These, Tom,

are your causeheads.



They find a world-threatening issue

and stick with it... for about a week.



What's up?

What happened to the ozone layer?



That was last week.

Now it's meat.



Grill's serving up chili burgers, but

they're not letting anyone in or out.



I love chili burgers.

What about you, Daves?



- [Both] Yeah.

- Let's do lunch.



- [Woman] What don't we eat?

- All right.



- Red meat!

- Why don't we eat it?

- It's murder!



- What don't we eat?

- [Crowd] Red meat.!



- Why don't we eat it?

- It's murder.!



- What don't we eat?

- [Mooing]



- Red meat.!

- Don't eat us!



- It's murder!

- Remember, cows are our friends.



- What don't we eat?

- Red meat.!



- Why don't we eat it?

- It's murder.!



The charred flesh

served in this cafeteria...



- Oops. Paint.

- [Gasping]



[Cheering, Laughing]



Horse butt.



And the nontoxic paint

we've just thrown on you...



- Moonbeam, I like your style.

- Like blood from the scorched

flesh of innocent creatures...



Go. Go. In. In.



Wha... Wha...



[Moonbeam Continues,




You may be saying

to yourselves...



what of the hungry students

of this university?



And were to have

penned them in a pen...



with the use of their legs and hands

completely doomed...



then they would understand

the plight of the veal calf.



Now I say to you...



- every student on this campus...

- [Feedback]



Were to starve...



- it would be worth the life

of a cow or a calf...

- [Mooing]






Hopefully this will not come to pass,

but if it were...



who is to say that the life

of a six- month- old...



- [Crowd Cheering, Murmuring]

- No!



- What the hell?

- Hey!



- Ha ha!

- Ow!







Stand your ground.!

Stand your ground.!



- [Giggles]

- [Moonbeam Continues, Indistinct]



[Crowd Screaming]









Here's lunch!



- [Moonbeam Continues, Indistinct]

- [Screaming Continues]



- [Droz] Nicely done, gentlemen.

- Now what?



Now we run.



[Yelling, Chattering]



[Yelling Continues]










[Man] And the walls

are painted white...



and the chalk is white...



and even

the copy machine paper is white.



Excuse me.



- This, my friend,

is the white devil's conspiracy.

- Meat-tosser!



Stop the violator!












[Shouting, Screaming]



"Level of insensitivity."







Oh, thank God.

President Garcia-Thompson.



Students, fill out those forms

and don't skip a line.



- It was those persons in the Pit again.

- I know, Moonbeam.



Those Pit offenders are

single-handedly destroying...



the sensitivity levels

on this campus.



- But...

- Of course I can't simply

throw them out of school.



After all, they're still    complaints

away from expulsion.



Don't worry.

Their day will come.



Um, Ms. President?



There's some preppy person

in your office.



Madras ties.





what the hell are you doing?



Ooh, pretty outfit.



Real summery.

What is that, Dacron?



How many times have I told you

not to meet me here?



- I have a reputation to uphold.

- Don't run from your feelings.



I think it's time people

know the truth about us.



The truth, McPherson,

is that you disgust me.



The only thing we'll ever

have in common is a hatred of the Pit.



Just give it time.



The information,




Signed, sealed and...



snatched rudely...

what a surprise.



Perfect. I'll bring it

to the Pit immediately.



And we'll call

the movers.



- Hey, Jack!

- [Gasps]



Floor's closed unless

you're working on a thesis.

You working on a thesis?



Uh, no, no, I'm lost. I'm just

trying to get back to the Pit.







Don't get your balls

in an uproar.



Just follow me.



[Typing On Keyboards,




Get your feet

off the desk!



Uh, what's

everybody doing?



Finishing their theses, fuzzhead.

They're due Monday morning.



- Now, there's the door.

- Oh, thanks.








Damn it.






[Shouting, Yelling]



Hey, Cecilia,

you gonna be free tonight?



- Why?

- You wanna have dinner?



- With us?

- What, like a date?






- Oh, God.

- Whoa!



Katy, I was thinking, when we start

that song it's gotta be a lot faster.



- You mean like this?

- ** [Riff]



- Man, you're in my chair. Get out.

- Ow. Ow. Oww!



Remember to make mine

extra crispy, Gut.



Yeah, be careful, man.

I like it rare, not cold.



I got ya.



So this is the sewer

where you persons breed

your anti-community crimes.



Hello, Mrs. Garc...







Hey, monkeys,

how about a little respect?



The presiding person of the university

just walked in.



** ["Hail To The Chief"]



Stop that.

Turn that noise pollution down.



- ** [Stops]

- [Laughing, Chattering]



Please put out

that cigarette right now.



Oh. All right.



Do I need to remind you

that this house already

has enough complaints...



to qualify for

a sensitivity awareness weekend?



You passed out cigarettes for

a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day...



you installed speed bumps

on the handicapped ramps...



and most recently you dumped

a hundred pounds of...



meat on a peaceful

vegan protest.



That was way more

than a hundred pounds.



- Very amusing, Mr. Andrews.

- Thanks.



- [Laughing]

- Here's something you won't

find quite so funny.



This, offenders,

is your damage bill for the semester.



The total comes to

$    .



Housing forms for next year

are due Monday...



and if that bill isn't paid,

this house will be repossessed.



- What?

- You can't be serious, right?



Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a bicentennial to plan.



- [Mullaney] She's serious?

- [Cecilia] This sucks.



- [Gut] Ma'am, can... Ma'am, hello?

- [Kissing Sounds]



- Seven thou?

- We're in deep shit, huh?



- Where are we gonna live?

- It's, like, three weeks

before school ends.



Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time

to revive an ancient tradition...



we seem to have

long forgotten.



They confiscated

the altar, Droz.



No, I'm not talking

about human sacrifice, Ceel.



I'm talking about something we

used to do every Saturday night

as a matter of principle.



Here's a hint.



Legions of

hand-stamped meatheads...



and coed naked

lacrosse T-shirts...




watered-down Meisterchau...




on the glue- matted floors.



Kiln-like temperatures,

fights with townies...



lines of drunken people

waiting for the bathroom.



Wait a second. You guys

are talking about a party.




Gutter, tell her what's she's won.



We get some beer,

we have a band...



and we overcharge

at the door.



Droz, there's no way.

We'd need an all-campus party

to raise enough money.



No one's been able

to pull that off in years.



- You know what happens.

Half the school protests.

- The other half boycotts.



Yeah, and even if

we could get them all here,

it'd be a total P.C. war zone.



Well, there is one other option.

We get jobs.



- I vote party.

- I can't handle a job, man.



Sounds good.

What do you want us to do?



So, uh,

who's on beer?



Uh, well, that would

roughly be you, Gut.



I suggest kegs...

multiple, cold and domestic.



I have to meet Mersh in Jerrytown

for my ride to the show.



Okay, well, you call those useless

Frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys...



and tell 'em you're

gonna be an hour late.



Ceel, Katy, Raj and Deege,

your band will play.



- Oh, sweetJesus!

- Droz, we don't even have a name.



Get a name, give it to the Daves,

they'll put up the flyers.



- On it.

- Pigman.



- Huh?

- Stay put.



We charge five bucks a head.

MasterCard and Visa accepted.



Droz, what happened

to that cute preppy kid?






The pre-frosh.



That's a good question.




Yelling Continue]






[Shouting, Yelling Continue,

Becoming Louder]




Over here.!



Hey! Get him!



What's up, Mersh?



Gutter. [Sniffs]

What's up, bud?



Tried to call you guys, like,

six times, man. What's the deal?



- [Chuckles]

- [Laughing]



Listen, Mersh, uh, I gotta

get beer for this party tonight...



so I'm gonna be a little late

for my ride to Hartford.



Oh, sorry, Gut man.

No can do.




The grand master of funk...



descends on the civvy at  :   man,

and we will be there.



Mersh, you hate punk.



Funk, Gutter.




George Clinton.




Parliament Funkadelic.






Aren't you a music major?






[All Laughing]



Maybe you guys could just give

me a lift to the liquor store then.



We got intramural finals

this afternoon, man. Sorry.



Well, what am I

supposed to do?



Have a bong hit.



[Gut] What good

is that gonna do me?



Just one little binger

to brighten up your day.



Just one little binger

to brighten up your day.



Come on, man.




Just one hit.



Then I gotta go.



[Man # ]

Look at the stitching.



- It's gotta be L.L. Bean.

- [Man # ] Yes.



[Man # ]

But can he be trusted?



[Man # ]

Look at his tie.



His complexion.



He's definitely

one of us.




W-W... Where am I?



You're safe now.

Allow me.



Carter Prescott, pledge master

of the secret fraternity

of Balls and Shaft.



Tom Lawrence,




Bantam Draper.



Um, so this is a frat?



The school outlawed fraternities

in      Tom...



and Balls and Shaft was

forced to go underground.



We lost our house, now the

detestable sore known as the Pit.



Since then,

our numbers have dwindled...



but we're always on the lookout

for new members.



- You guys used to be in the Pit?

- I know. It's sad.



The swine in there,

they're dirty, stupid.



Worst of all? Poor.



- [Knocking On Door]

- I'll get it.




greatest president?



- It's me, Rand. Open up.

- America's greatest president?



Damn it!

Who is Ronald Reagan?



- A casual shoe for yachting.

- What are you trying

to figure out, B.D.?



Who could I be?




- What is a blucher?

- They killed Jesus Christ.



Who are theJews?

Open up, sucko!



Gentlemen! I got some good news,

and I got some bad news.



The bad news is...



you're an idiot.



Don't ever make me

wait outside that door.



The good news is, Thompson

just delivered the information.



By now the Pit will have

started planning their little soiree.



About that, Rand...

What if their party does come off?



Does anyone get

what I'm doing here?



Does anyone follow me?



We want them to have

a party, steak head.



We want them to have the

loudest, most offensive party

in school history. Capisce?







Well, well, I see we have a new pledge.

Mayflower material, I presume?



- Huh?

- It's a boat.



Your ancestors obviously

didn't come over on it.



But, hey, it's the '  s.

We'll take what we can get.




we got a job to do.






Naugahyde Windpipe.



Too metal.




and the Mama's Boys.



Too college radio.



MyJohnson Is    Inches Long.



Interesting, but it doesn't

sound like a band name.



I've got it...



Everyone Gets Laid.



Katy, the womynists will be

all over us for that one.






What do you think about this?

Tonight at the Pit, Everyone Gets Laid.



Mmm, that's tasteless,

disgusting and offensive.



I like it.







- [Droz] Daves, go make those flyers.

- Hey!



- What are you guys doing?

- Us?



Oh, we're seniors.

We're going to the game.



- Outside!

- Whoo!



[Both Groaning]



- Hey!

- Remove that nail, butcher.



- What's your deal?

- I just heard that tree shriek.



How would you like it if I nailed

a sign into a layer of your fat?



Try it again,

and you're toast.



Save the planet. Peace.



This is a total drag.



Just give up, man.



Well, what do we

have here?



****[Up- tempo Rock]



- ****[Continues]

- Let's go! Whoo!



- [Crowd Chattering, Shouting]

- Yeah! Look at him go!



- Ooh!

- Whoa- ho.!



- Oh, my good, good God.

- Murder!



- [Droz] She's got a little stiff arm.






- Oh, wow, man!

- Punk.



- Hot shit!

- ****[Continues]



Yo, isn't that your old

freshman roommate?



Oh. Yeah.



Randall "Pee- burn"McPherson.

I wonder what brought him

out ofhiding.



Must be

a Klan meeting.



- Yeah.

- Damn, look at 'em.



Must have been hellish

living with that guy for a year.



[Girl Giggling]



[Girl Moaning]



- [McPherson Clearing Throat]

- [Droz Laughing]



[Continues Clearing Throat]




Hey, wait, come back!



Oh, come on!

Go to sleep! Go to sleep!



It's time to go to sleep!

Oh, my God!



- [Shrieking]

- [Shrieking]



Get away from me,

you freak!



- You freak! [Wailing]

- [Shrieking Continues]



Stay on your side!



A total nightmare, man.



What the hell

is takin' so long?










[All Laughing, Hooting]



Pride of the Port Chester

sports program, Tom.



Hippie Olympics.



Doesn't matter who wins,

'cause they're all losers.



You know,

it's sad, really.



This school used to be

a bastion of rich, white elitism.



And now... now they let

homosexuals on the football team.



Whining minorities

run the student government.



And you can't even

coerce a woman into having sex...



without being

brought up on charges.



What is this world

coming to? Really?




Come on. Let's go.



My pappy'd puke ifhe saw

this bunch ofbug- eyed toads...



chasing a scrap

of plastic around.



Hey, ponytails.!

You suck.!




[Chuckles Nervously]



We're gettin' housed here,




I say we bring in




- Whoa!

- [Together] Blotter.



[Hippies, Dreamily]







- [Loud Whistle]

- [Barks]



****[Rock Resumes]



- [Chattering, Shouting]



- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!



Yeah, Blotter! [Laughing]



You're just buggin' me!



Uh-oh. This is me.

I'm going in, coach.



- Cover me, man.

- Yeah, yeah, whatever.






Sam? Hey! Wow.

What are the odds?




Two times in one day.



- What's come over you?

- I don't know. Must be hormonal.




What the hell is he doing here?



Afternoon, ladies.

Looking good out there.



- Yeah, whatever.

- Jerk.



They're not gonna castrate me

for sitting here, are they?



Yeah. That's what they got

planned for halftime.



- [Gasps]

- Ohh!



Now look who it is.



- Meat-tosser!

- [Whining]



[Shouting, Yelling]



[Tom Screaming]



Jesus Christ. [Chuckling]

I know that kid.



What is he doing?



- I'm open!

- Aaah!






- Hey!

- [Shouting, Yelling]



That weasel

snagged the "bee."




All right.



Bong hits, anyone?



- [Laughs]

- All right.



So, I heard you're

finally graduating.



Yeah, yeah.

It's pretty stupid, huh?



I mean, how could I

leave all this?



What about you?

You got any plans?



- James Andrews, my old friend.

- Hey, Rand.



Samantha, my buttercup.



I hear you're having

a party tonight.



Can't go.



But we're all taking bets on how many

of you will get arrested.



You remember this guy. He skippered

Hitler's catamaran during the war.



Yuck it up now, dipshit.

Your nightmare's just beginning.



I think the womynists

will be quite interested

in your little scribblings.



Oh, yeah.

That's where I'm headed.




always a pleasure.



See ya.










A Pit party?




Warm, flat beer.



- [Exclaiming]

- Soggy chips. Think about that.



That's just what I need

to help me figure out my life.



Stop the penis party!



Get away from him!



- Come on, Sam!

- Let's go.



- Hey, Sam, what about tonight?

- Don't talk to him!






Whoo-hoo! Yea!



[Tires Screech,

Horn Honks]



[Tires Screech,

Horn Honks]



Hey, watch it,

you schmuck.!



Get the beer.

Get the beer.



Get the beer.



Get the beer.







Excuse me. Can you blow me

where the Pampers is?






Can you blow me

where the Pampers is?






Can you show me...



where the campus is?



Yeah, sure.



She knows.



She knows.

She knows.



Okay, just...

just go here for a minute.



I shouldn't

have smoked that.



I just, uh,

want to pay tribute...



to, uh, both

your courage...



and for your,

your eloquence...



and for the dignity...



in which you've

conducted yourself.



Thank you, Senator.



It knew it was going to be bad

when I was nominated.



I did not know

it would be this bad.



Could you have guessed

that some people...



including people

on this committee...



would dredge up stories

about drug use?



Wh... Wh...



W- Wait a second, gentlemen

of the courtroom.




This guy... is Gutter, man.




The Gut man.



[Mersh] He comes over, man,

smokes two major bong loads.



He knows how to carve

and everything!



[Hippie] Loads the size

of your head, man.



I... I didn't exhale?



- Works for me! Good answer!

- Whoo!



- [Coughs]

- [Gavel Bangs]






Oh, man,

what a nightmare.




Oh, man.






Oh, shit, the beer!



Oh, shit!



Oh! Oh! Oh!









[Garcia- Thompson]

I think Bisexual Asian Studies

should have its own building.



The question is,

who goes?



The math department

or the hockey team?



- Excuse me. Andrea, the members...

- It's Andréa.



I think hockey.



Call me about it.



The board of trustees

is very concerned...



about the state of unrest

among the students.



There has been a protest

on this campus every day...



and frankly, we're sick

of all the bad publicity.



Oh, really?



We're particularly concerned

about tomorrow's bicentennial.



It will be the most highly attended

alumni event in years.



Gentlemen, relax. Tomorrow's ceremony

has been planned to perfection.



And as for the students,

I have a special surprise for them.



What are you

talking about?



I'm going to announce the changing

of the school mascot...



from the offensive

Port Chester Indian...



to an endangered specie.




meet our new mascot...



the Port Chester

Whooping Crane.






No! Wait! No!



Look, jerky,

no liquor sold after  :  .




blue laws.



After  :  ? Aft...

I missed my ride to the show!



Hey, look.

It's a college boy.



- Anybody wanna beat him up?

- [All Laughing]



Nice tie.!



This totally bites.



This totally bites.



The first time we've ever

been asked to play in public,

and there's no public.



The Yankees

are back in town...



Fuse box.




Pins and needles!




Pins and needles.



Pins and needles.








You guys,

you knocked the plug out. Hello!



[Daves Together]

Hey, Raj.



- Hey, Daves,

what happened to the flyers?

- Huh?



The flyers. I haven't

seen one up on campus.



- We put one up.

- Damn, man!



- Great.

- One flyer?

- We're screwed.



There is one thing

we can still do.



- Play some loud and abusive tunes?

- Exactly.



Do it.

Plug my ass in.






[Both Giggling]







Play Metallica

and they will come.



We should have handled

our own publicity.






[Groaning Softly]



[Murmuring, Chattering]








Whooping cranes.




making sandwiches without bread.



That bitch

is giving me gout.



Oh, just be patient,




The way she's going,

she'll hang herself.



[Cordeau] I'll buy the rope.

You find the tree.



Just one man talking...



but I don't get

this wholeJames Bond Rasta...



I wanna know how this

became about me all of the sudden.



- [Yelling, Cheering]

- This is a miracle.



The monkeys

pulled it off.



[Yelling, Cheering




- What the hell's going on here?

- Hi, Droz.



Uh, are we having a party tonight,

or what?



Well, there's no publicity,

so there's no people.



Gutter never showed up,

so there's no beer.



Our instruments just blew out,

so there's no band,

and Raji and Deege may be dead.



Wait a minute.

No beer?



Where the hell's Gutter?



Probably in a parking lot somewhere

picking his nose.



- Well, there's one consolation.

- What's that?



We haven't

been protested yet.



Does anybody know why

there are    womynists

beating bongos on our lawn?



Stop the style of oppression

that this house...



- What?

- Let's check it out.



- Yeah, man.

- Comin' through. Comin' through.



- [Womynists Shouting]

- All right.



Deadly Zulu drum protest.

Haven't seen one of those

since my third sophomore year.



- [Cecilia] Full- on response.

- [Dave # ]

I wish the balls weren't dead.



You try and spread joy...



and then

the P.C. shock troops...



just shut you down.



Don't they want to have a good time

at least once in their lives?



[Shouting Continues]




a damn good point.



Okay, now, it's true...



the majority of students today

are so cravenly P. C...



they wouldn't know a good time

if it was sitting on their face.



But there is one thing that will

always unite us and them.



They're young!



They may not realize it yet...



but they've got

the same raging hormones...



the same self-destructive desire

to get boldly trashed...



and wildly out of control.



Look out that window.

That's not a protest.



That is a cry for help.



Stop the penis party!

Stop the penis party!



They're begging us.



"Please have a party! Feed us drinks!

Get us laid!"



[Droz Screams]



That's a pretty strange

theory, Droz.



Yeah. Besides, we don't

have a band or any people, man.



- We don't have...

- [Together] Any beer!



We've got loose keg sightings

near the freshman dorm.



Two cases of zinfandel

spotted near the faculty club.



And here, the mother lode...

the bicentennial ball.



- Moles, you're on the air in   .

- Got it.



Ceel, you're on bongos.

Me, Dave and Dave are on beer.




You're a freshman.



Find      people.



Hey.! Hey.!



It's about time the university

embraced multiculturalism.



- [McPherson] Hey.!

- It really is.



- Excuse me.

- Of course.

- Uh-huh.




What was that all about?



What is the

complaint count now?



- [Woman] Hello, Andréa.

- [Man] Nice to see you.



Only three

this afternoon.



But my community crisis

bulletin just went out. Okay?



Well, don't worry, my fair maiden.

We will get our quota.



And by the way, have you seen

their tasteless flyer?






Oh, my God.



Is there no limit?






what I figure they did




they cut out a picture

of your head and pasted it

on another, different picture.



I've done a little

collage work myself.




do me a favor...



and don't ever talk.



[Horn Blares]



****[Hip- Hop]



Hey, kid.



You know how to

get back to I-  ?



Where you going?




Yeah, man, we got a concert.

We should've been there at  :  .



I know. The Merkins

and Frog and Toad.



- What?

- The bad news is...



the    is a half hour away...



and then Hartford's

another    minutes on the freeway.



We should've followed

the other bus.



We'll never make it now.

We might as well go home.



- Yo, dread.

- Yeah, what's up?



Since you missed the show,

you think you could give me

a ride back to my house?



- Yeah, come on. Get on.

- All right, shotgun.



Which one's Rand's?



The cherry Beemer.

Thanks, Dad.



I can wire it.

Can you get us in?



It might take

a little time, but...



yeah, I think so.



- ****[Funk]

- That was George Clinton on WPCU

with "Tear the Roof Off. "



Clinton's headlining

the Civic tonight...



but you can't afford

a ticket, man... sorry.



- ** [Continues]

- Moles, how's it goin' brother?



- Great show, man.

- Thanks, man.



Not really.

Listen, I got a favor to ask.



Well, that's good thinkin'.



Oh. Ooh. Eek.









Toss 'em in back.






- Sun roof. All right.

- [Laughs]



- Rand's gonna piss his pants

when he sees his car.

- You think so?



- ****[Continues]

- Good evening.



We interrupt this broadcast

for a special announcement.



[Mullaney On Radio]

Are you just sitting around

your dorm rooms...



playing cards

and eating pizza?



Is this the way you spent the majority

of your four years in college?



Would you like tonight to be different?

You just don't have any place to go?



Well, now you do! So turn off

your radios and head on over.



Tonight,   :   p.m. at the Pit,

Everyone Gets Laid.



- ****[Continues]

- [Shouting, Chattering]



- Yeah!

- [Shouting, Laughing]












It's the pre-frosh.






Hi. We were wondering

what happened to you. Where you going?



Uh, I'm...

I'm gonna go home.



You're leaving?



You... You've only been here,

like,    minutes.



I know, but I've already managed

to piss off the entire campus.



No offense, Katy,

but this place is a nightmare.



I'm probably just gonna

wind up at State.



[Sighs] Yeah, well, we're all gonna be

boring our butts off at State...



if I don't find, like,

a thousand people, pronto.



- What do you mean?

- We gotta raise seven G's by

tomorrow, or we lose the house.



- The Pit?

- Yeah.



Damage bill came in.



We're trying to pull off this

all-campus rage, and I gotta get people.



All I got are these

foreign exchange students.



- It's looking pretty grim.

- I can't believe this.



I mean, you're the only ones

that haven't tried to kill me

since I got here.



Yeah, but...



you're probably not gonna be

coming here anyway, so...



don't sweat it.



[Horn Honks]



Um, your ride's here.



It was nice knowing you.






You said you needed

people, right?




Am I okay on that side?



No, no, no...



That's good.



- ****[Piano]

- [Guests Chattering]



Hey. Hey!



I'll take care of ape man.

You grab the bar.



Hey there, B.D.!




You're not supposed to be here.



Hey, that is one great tie.

Is that yours, or did you borrow it?



- It's mine.

- Really? That is amazing.



I've been looking

for something just like this.

What are those, little snails?



- They're jockeys.

- Really?



'Cause, uh,

they look like snails.



Listen, uh, what kind

of beer do you got?



- Uh, well, we don't have...

- On second thought, what am I doing?



I'm driving.

Make it a scotch.



- What?

- You're right.



You're a good friend, B.D.

You saved my life.



I mean that. You're a hell of a guy.

I'm never gonna forget this.



Pardon me.

Excuse me.



There's a very interesting

studies group...



** [CD: Piano Stops]



A vodka tonic,





Ninety- nine. Repeat.



****["Afternoon Delight, "




The last time I saw them,

they were over here.



[Murmuring, Chattering]



Brothers, I saw him

at the cafeteria this morning.



- He was recruitin' for the C.I.A.

- C.I.A.?



I heard he injected

all the meat with hormones

before throwing it off the roof.



He is wearing brown shoes

with a blue blazer.



- I mean, can you believe it?

- Eeew.!



- What are they so pissed off at?

- Watch this.



Hey, butt-licks!



- Remember me?

- Jesus Christ, Tom!



[Shouting, Yelling]



- Ha-ha! Let's go!

- Oh, shit!



[All Chanting]

This penis party's got to go!



Hey-hey! Ho-ho!



This penis party's

got to go!



Hey-hey! Ho-ho!



This penis party's

got to go!



Hey-hey! Ho-ho!



This penis party's

got to go!



Hey-hey! Ho-ho!



This penis party's

got to go!



Hey-hey! Ho-ho!



- This penis party's got to go!

- * Kumbaya *



Hey-hey! Ho-ho!



* Kumbaya, my Lord *



[AllJoining In]

* Kumbaya *



- Everybody!

- * Kumbaya, my Lord *



* Kumbaya *



* O Lord, Kumbaya *



- * Kumbaya, my Lord **

- ** [Radio: Heavy Metal]



[Making Engine Noises]



Droz, Droz, what are we

gonna do when we don't

pull this one off, man?



Uh, bake sale?



What's up, Droz?

What's up, Moles?



- You screwed up big time.

- The store was closed.



No, I put my trust in you

to handle the beer,

and you violated that trust.



- Yo, Gutter, gotta go. Where it at?

- Oh, right in there.



What's happenin'?



Listen, don't charge these guys, Moles.

They just gotta use the can.



They're with me.



- Droz, th-that was...

- Do you have any idea who that was?



- They're just using the can.

You made your point.

- That was George Clinton.



- I'm sorry!

- Listen to me. Parliament.

The P-Funk All-Stars.



- Come on. Tell him.

- Dr. Funkenstein?



The man is the king

of interplanetary funk.



- Tell him who it is.

- It's George Clinton.



- The guy with the hair?

- Yeah.



Gut, you're a legend.



Yo! There are no chicks in here.

What did I tell you?



Yo! There are no chicks in here.

What did I tell you?



Yeah, man,

there's not even any chips.



Chips! Chips!



[All Chanting]

Chips! Chips! Chips! Chips!



- [Chanting Continues]

- [Exhales] Oh, hold it.



[Toilet Flushing]



- Man!

- Y'all got to clean that place up.



- [Laughing]

- Gutter, get a mop.



Listen, uh, we couldn't help but notice

that you're George Clinton.



- Yeah?

- Listen, George,

we've had a real bad day.



The president of the university

has been spanking us

with a seven-grand damage bill.



We were gonna rob a  -Eleven.

We don't have enough ski masks.



So what are we gonna do?

We're gonna throw an all-campus rocker.



The only problem is,

we don't have the artillery.



Please, what you want from me?

What you tryin' to say?



- We were hoping

you could play our party.

- What?



Can't nobody make no face

that ugly and not be serious.




We'll do it, man. Jesus.



Gut, get the band off the bus.

Put the whole band in here.



Just tell everybody

to come on out.



- That's so great, man.

I'm gonna be right back.

- Yeah, man, I got ya.



Boy, y'all goin' overboard

with this black awareness.

That boy got a rap.




it's equal opportunity.



- Chips! Chips! Chips! Chips!

- Fellas, I got...



- Fellas!

- [Chanting Stops]



Chuck, Porterhouse, Rib-Eye,

I know exactly how you guys are feeling.



In fact, I can think of only one thing

that could lift my spirits right now.



- Beer.

- Beer.



[All Chanting]

Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer!

Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer!



- I think I'm missing a piece.

- Yeah, me too, man.



Let's give up, huh?



Guys, guys, we've got an L.A. -sized riot

of thirsty men with no necks...



screaming for brew.



[All Shouting]




- Back up!

- Get away!



** [Tuning]



Yeah, that's close enough

for funk, baby.



Thanks, but I think I know

how to tune my ax...



- Yeah, I'll bet you do.

- Oh, my God. George Clinton.



- Woof!

- Hi.



Just the dog in me,




Oh, shit! Hi!



- Why don't you play me a song?

Go ahead, girl.

- Uh...



** [Dramatic]



Pig, gotta change your P.J.'s.

We're having a party.




Shower scene.









- Droz!

- Yeah?



I don't wanna burst your bubble,

but we got a slight problem.



- What?

- No guests.






How you doin'?

Hey, what up?



[Chattering Continues]



- [Shouting, Yelling]

- Yeah, that's right, man.



All right, sit down.!

Okay.! Okay.!



Hold on a second,




I understand

you all met Tom.



- Yeah, yeah, I fucking met Tom!

- He snagged our disk!



I know, and he's

gonna pay for it.



Moles, take him downstairs

and beat the shit out of him.



- Yeah!

- Sorry, kid. You heard the man.



- No, no, not that!

- Okay, justice has

been served, everybody.



- You can go home.

- [Shouting, Grumbling]



Wait. If you guys

aren't doing anything tonight,

we've got George Clinton inside.



- [Crowd Exclaiming]

- He's tuning up on the main stage.



- Sounds like another one of

the white man's lies to me.

- [Shouting In Agreement]






- ****[Continues]

- [Woman] Hey, check it out.



Or maybe not.

Let's check it out.



Hey, wait a minute.

What about us?



Yeah, that little dork tripped on

the main plug and lost all our theses!



Okay, that's no problem.

You guys come with me.



The rest of you, five bucks a head,

the line forms to the left.



Okay, what's your major?



- Um, particle physics.

- Ooh, that's a tough one.



Let me see... Ooh.



"Motion of Helium Atoms

In An Excited State."

Watch out. It's a scorcher.



- Next.

- Uh, Sanskrit.



Sanskrit. You're majoring in

a     -year-old dead language.






Okay... Ooh.




It's the best I can do.



- Next.

- Phys Ed.



Phys Ed. Okay, you're out of my room.

Seriously. Get out.



- [Microphone Feedback]

- Hello, Port Chester University.



[Hooting, Cheering]



This is...



George Clinton.



George CI-Clinton...



Parliament Funkadelic.



And the Parliament




- [Cheering Continues]

- ** [Funk]



All right, man.



- ****[Continues]

- All right, sisters,

we've had a mild setback.



But we've regrouped.

Let's mobilize.



- ****[Continues]

- Isn't this George Clinton?



No. Couldn't be.

It's gotta be a cover band.

He'd never play the Pit.



It does sound like him...




Guys, I think we should

bag the protest.



- [Gasping, Shrieking]

- What?



But, Sam, their party flyer promotes

the objectification of women.






But they've also got

a really kickin' party going on.



That's great, Sam.



Why don't we just forget about fighting

the phallacracy for a few hours...



and go have

a good time?



- Right?

- Exactly.






- Excuse me.

- [Woman] Come back.! You can't go.!



How can she

leave us?






We're locked in!

[Breathing Heavily]



I'm a black man. There's nojustice

for me here in America.



I should be at the front

of the line.



Yeah, well, I'm gay and subject

to ridicule and discrimination

wherever I go.



Women are oppressed

throughout the world. Give it a rest.



Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.



Hey, Moles.

How are we doin'?



Got about a thou here,

plus I got Cecilia on the other door.



What other door?



- Hold it! One or two?

- What?



- One or two?

- [Scoffs] Two.



Four bucks.

Four bucks.



Light a match.



Gutter, take the can, will ya?

Take the can. Two to stand, four to sit.



Hey, hey, hey!

Not so fast, superguy.



- Have a good party.

- Whoo-hoo!



Party everybody!



Look at this unbridled

display of testosterone.



- Makes me sick.

- Do it, man! Go on!



- Hey!

- What's up, babes?



Pack up your rape culture

and take a hike!



- [Laughing]

- You want a brewdog?



We're not interested

in your penis!



Wait. I think he's

offering us a beer.



Um, yes, we would

like... a... beer.



Okay. Gimme a beer!

Gimme a beer!



Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!



It's, like, if you're nice to them,

they bring you things?






Raji, Deege, get up.

Come on. We got company.



Hey, Droz.




You know what, Droz?



- What's up, baby?

- I'm   !



- Uh-huh?

- Yeah! I'm up at college

for the weekend!



I'm gettin' wasted at one

of the greatest rages of all time!



- My parents... they're nowhere in sight.

- Nowhere.



T-T-There are women

all around me.



- Right.

- Why the hell am I talkin' to you?



- No idea, baby.

- I don't know!



Do it, big guy!







- Hey! You made it!

- Yeah! Decent party.



I can't believe

the naked guy showed.



Naked guy!

Excellent butt!



Now it's a party!



- Gangway!

- Hey!




Hey, Gut man.!



- Hey! Gutter!

- What's up, Mersh?



Total nightmare

scenario, man.



We spotted you, like,

   minutes in the ride lot.



No show, right?



Discouraged at the Civvy,

and next Clinton bails!



Mersh, you gotta

lay off the pipe, man!



Clinton is playing

right here!
























- Hey! Whoa! Hey! What's goin' on?

- What?



Uh, hey, do you want

to go someplace?







Ow! Don't!






Move it,

you little pervert.






- [Yells]

- [Grunts]



Round up your cohorts,




You're getting

your house back.






I have some big news.



Seven thousand... five hundred...

sixty-eight dollars!



The damage money

and     to spare!






- Who wants to break some more shit?

- I do!



- [Man On TV, Indistinct]

- [Gunshots]



** [Vocalizing]



A Bridge Too Far.



Caine and Hackman

in the same movie together!



This is my thesis, man!

This is my closing argument!



I can stop watchin' TV!















- [Garcia- Thompson] Stop it right now.!

- [Crashes]



Moonbeam, what are

you doing here?



All right, everyone.



You've let these warped nihilists

corrupt you long enough.



- Back to your dorms.

- Funk you very much too.



Let's get the hell

out of here, y'all.



We don't need this shit.

Stompin'no more.



- Boo.!

- Party- pooper.



Thanks for tanking the party.

That was real nice.



But I got

some bad news.



We actually raised

enough money...



so we're keeping

the house.



Recognize these, Mr. Andrews?

They're complaint forms.



And between

today's activities...



and tonight's little exercise

in offensiveness...



I can assure you there are more

than enough to kick you all off campus.



All right, boys.

Let's close it down.



I warned you your attitude

was disrupting this campus.



The students have spoken.

You're out of here.



Bye. Thanks for the party,




I've got one question.



If we're movin' out,

who's movin' in?



Hi, everybody.

Hey, what's wrong?



Aw, looks like you guys

went all out tonight.



Raised $    .




What's the matter, forehead?

Trying to figure it out?



Well, let's see.

We give you the damage bill.



You, of course,

predictably throw a disgusting party...



all the freaky freakies come out

of the woodwork to protest...



and you're out ofhere.



Well, we still

trashed your Beemer...



you screaming

preppy asshole.



- [Laughing]

- Right.!



That's not my car.



[Alarm Beeps] Warning.

You are too close to the vehicle.






Now get off my lawn.






Wait a second. You guys

can't let them just walk in

and take the Pit.



We could go Waco on 'em, man.

We could blow up our own house.



Nah, ran out of explosives.

What we need is a plan.



Okay, Garcia-Thompson's

the president.



She's the one that's

kicking you out. Right?



- Yeah.

- What if she wasn't

the president anymore?



Sounds nice in theory. But how

are we supposed to pull that one off?



I overheard some

old guys talking.



They wanna get rid ofThompson,

but legally they can't...



not unless she screws something up

really, really big.



****[Marching Band]







I'd like to welcome everyone

to Port Chester's    th

anniversary celebration.



Before we get started,

please observe...



that your program notes

have been printed on recycled paper.



- Birthdays are a way of

remembering one's history.

- Perfect.



Those homeless people at the Pit

didn't even bother to show.



They're probably grubbin' quarters

at the bus station by now.



Welcome P.C.U.'s

most recent change...



our new school mascot...



the Port Chester

whooping crane.



Hey, guys,

it's a beautiful day, isn't it?



- Oh, God. Not now! [Struggling]

- Hey, what's up?



- [Grunting]

- Threatened by hunters and developers...



and those awful plastic

six- pack can holder things.



But here at Port Chester, she will be

closely watched and tended to...



safe from the natural habitat

that is so fraught with danger.



- Oh, my God.

- [Student]

I hear they taste like chicken.



- What's he doing?

- Let's give it up

for Andrea Garcia-Thompson...



and her amazing and impromptu

rare bird show.



The bird show. The amazing bird show.

The wonderful bird show.



- The bird show.!

- [Cheers]



I don't have a lot of time to say this

but I gotta get something off my chest.



Last night,

my house threw a party...



and I thought that we all

finally got along.



We had a good time.



But we got so many protests,

we broke so many rules...



that we got booted

off campus.



You know, it used to be

the administration's job to make rules.



It used to be us against them.

Now it's us against us.



I've been here seven years

and I gotta tell you guys...



what's going on here

is about America.



- Shut up.

- It's about democracy.



It's about the Bill of Rights,

basic cable, call-waiting,

free trips to the salad bar.



It's about everything that

makes this country great. Our country.!



We can do something

about this.



We can finally say...



that when some people

are having a good time...



and drinking some beers,

throwing some meat...



that we're not

gonna protest.



In fact, I promised myself

I wouldn't do this. I'm sorry.



If we couldjust say that,

if only to each other...



just this one time...



that we're not

gonna protest.



That we're not

gonna protest?



We're not gonna protest!



We're not gonna protest!




We're not gonna protest.!



We're not gonna protest!



We're not gonna protest!




We're not gonna protest.!



We're not gonna protest!



We're not gonna protest!



We're not gonna protest!



We're not gonna protest!



We're not gonna protest!



This is not good.

This is really not good.



We're not gonna protest!



We're not gonna protest.!



Chant sheets!

Get your chant sheets. Right here.



We got placards here.

Placards here. We got 'em.



Okay, we got placards here.

We got placards for everybody...



We brought our own.



[Chanting Continues]

We're not gonna protest!



We're not gonna protest.!



Ladies and gentlemen,

please take your seats.



Everyone, please,

take your seats.



- We're not gonna protest!

- Be quiet.! I'm asking you

to be quiet, everyone.



Be quiet.!



B.D., get us out of here

before they touch me.






Please take your seats.

Be quiet.! I'm...



Thompson, your inability

to control the students...



has convinced us that you are

an ineffective president.



What? What are you

talking about?



You're fired, Thompson.

Dismissed. Booted. Sacked.



History. Shit-canned.

Out of here.



What are you doing?

B.D., go beat up the pre-frosh.



- The little kid?

- He's a Pit spy, Neanderthal.

Kick his ass.



Thanks, guys.

I feel much better now.



Oh, Okay. Thank you.



We're not gonna protest.!



- Gutter is a tool.

- [Crowd] Gutter is a tool.



We're not gonna protest.!



Here's to Balls and Shaft!






I scheme for months and

it all gets screwed up because

you can't control the students!



Never send a woman

to do a man's job!



You cocky, pointy-nosed

little Reaganite.



If you hadn't provoked them,

we wouldn't be in this mess.



Excuse me? Reality check here.

Earth to tall bitch.



What is your fault?

This is.



Hey, poor boy, go and have

your parties with all your new friends.



I can see it now,




You and all the knee-jerk,

bleeding heart liberals...



sipping tea and playing patty- cake,

and those useless...



hippie potheads,

those commie- pinko leftists...



the bunny huggers,

the pillow biters...



Wait. Which ones are

the pillow biters?



The butt-pirates.

And those beastly man-haters.



Tell those chicks

to shave their pits and call me.



Goddamn whiny crybaby minorities.

You can keep 'em all.



Rand McPherson,




Just remember the  :   show is

completely different from the  :   show.



Enjoy the meal.



- Come on! Come on!

- [Whining]



And in light of your valiant

actions to save this house...



we all think it's time to take part in

the one tradition left over...



from the dark days

of Balls and Shaft.



Tom Lawrence,

prepare yourself...



for initiation.



Just try to relax.



- Uh, Droz.

- Yeah?



- There's my bus.

- What?



- [Gutter] Oh, man.

- [Horn Honks]



Damn! Well, just gonna

have to get you next year.






Don't let him

scare you.



- It's only hurts for a minute.

- Check her out.



Yo, Gut man. Watch the stylings

on the youngster.






- I'll see ya.

- [Groaning]



- In the fall.

- Yeah!



- All right, little half- chunk.

- Bye, Tom.



What? You want it?

You want it?




Hey, Cecilia, wait up.



- Am I interrupting anything?

- No. We were just rehearsing.



- The Nutcracker.

- Really?



Yeah, on ice.



Should be pretty decent

once we get Gutter up on skates.



- God, I think I'd actually

pay to see that.

- You would?



Let's get out of here.



You and I. Seriously.

Just hit the road.



Actually, I was thinking more along

the lines of a cup of coffee.



- A cup of coffee?

- Yeah.



Let's do that.



- Hey, let's drive down.

- Indeed, driving for coffee.



We don't have a car.



I do.

For the weekend anyway.



My aunt loaned me

her red BMW convertible.










Special help by SergeiK